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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1
00:00:02,923 --> 00:00:06,770
Oh, my God, will you look at that.

2
00:00:07,490 --> 00:00:09,046
What is that?

3
00:00:09,046 --> 00:00:13,489
Oh, no.  Fran's giving her mother's 
canasta group a tour of the house.

4
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,286
Cover your cheeks!

5
00:00:17,393 --> 00:00:24,171
And this is the very piano once played 
by Mr. Marvin "The Way We Were" Hamlish.

6
00:00:24,652 --> 00:00:30,440
Don't push, Frida.  Ever since they took
 you off of the estrogen you're so aggressive,

7
00:00:30,440 --> 00:00:34,098
not to mention that five o'clock shadow.

8
00:00:35,111 --> 00:00:40,697
Sorry.  My girl doesn't do windows.
  I thought I'd show her it's not such a sin.

9
00:00:41,755 --> 00:00:46,764
Meet me in the kitchen, and
I'll clean behind the refrigerator.

10
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,893
And this is the famous
 Sheffield guest bathroom.

11
00:00:51,893 --> 00:00:58,133
I don't want to drop names, but Liz Taylor
 did not leave "White Diamonds" in there.

12
00:00:58,133 --> 00:01:04,839
Celebrities coming, going, I don't know 
how my Fran stays so down-to-earth.

13
00:01:04,839 --> 00:01:09,858
Ha, ha.  Oh, Ma, please, people are people. 
We're all the same under the eyes of...

14
00:01:09,858 --> 00:01:14,611
Ben Vereen!  Oh, my God!

15
00:01:23,533 --> 00:01:26,205
Do "Roots."  Do "Roots."

16
00:01:26,205 --> 00:01:28,702
And who are these lovely ladies? 
/ Oh, I'm sorry.

17
00:01:28,702 --> 00:01:32,587
Ben, this is my nanny, her mother,

18
00:01:32,587 --> 00:01:37,717
and the 1948 Israeli luge team?

19
00:01:39,176 --> 00:01:41,069
Do "Pippin."  Do "Pippin."

20
00:01:41,069 --> 00:01:42,840
Miss Fine, please.

21
00:01:42,840 --> 00:01:48,271
Oh, so I guess a highlight of "Ten Speed and
 Brown Shoe" would be out of the question?

22
00:01:48,616 --> 00:01:51,421
So you're the one who saw that.

23
00:01:52,018 --> 00:01:56,864
Nanny Fine, come on. 
 Mr. Vereen is a very busy man.

24
00:01:56,864 --> 00:01:59,287
Coming through, coming through.

25
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:02,512
Now can I give you 
a lift back to the hotel?

26
00:02:02,512 --> 00:02:06,222
He can ride in the basket with Toto.

27
00:02:07,021 --> 00:02:10,509
Ben, Ben, this show has been 
a passion of mine for 20 years.

28
00:02:10,509 --> 00:02:14,078
And now with you, we have
a sure fire hit on our hands.

29
00:02:14,078 --> 00:02:16,856
I hope I still have the moves.

30
00:02:18,081 --> 00:02:22,722
Bravo, bravo, /**************

31
00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:26,573
I love you. I love you.

32
00:02:26,846 --> 00:02:31,986
Well, you see, people are people.
  He touched that, it's mine.

33
00:02:32,807 --> 00:02:35,820
Yes, I can't believe this play
 is finally happening.

34
00:02:35,820 --> 00:02:38,313
Now if we can just get 
the financing in place.

35
00:02:38,313 --> 00:02:40,658
Fran, come here.
 / What, Ma?

36
00:02:40,658 --> 00:02:45,090
We want to invest or canasta winnings
 in Mr. Sheffield's play.

37
00:02:45,090 --> 00:02:47,334
Your pishki?
 / Yeah.

38
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:51,790
Oh, Ma, don't be too fast and 
loose with your pishki. / What?

39
00:02:51,790 --> 00:02:55,714
It hasn't been touched in years.
 / All right.

40
00:02:55,714 --> 00:02:58,652
Mr. Sheffield, they want 
to give you their pishki.

41
00:02:58,652 --> 00:03:02,301
Oh, well, she seems like
 a lovely woman, but...

42
00:03:02,301 --> 00:03:03,866
No, this is Frida.

43
00:03:03,866 --> 00:03:06,444
The pishki are their winnings
 from playing cards.

44
00:03:06,444 --> 00:03:09,028
Oh, goody, we're made.

45
00:03:09,028 --> 00:03:14,397
Um, what my partner means to say is,
 though we appreciate your enthusiasm 
for the theater, ladies,

46
00:03:14,397 --> 00:03:17,962
we cannot possibly accept your... 
/ $25,000?

47
00:03:17,962 --> 00:03:20,599
You're in.

48
00:04:11,139 --> 00:04:15,465
Niles, that's the spread you're putting out
 for Mr. Sheffield's big investor?

49
00:04:15,465 --> 00:04:17,265
My mother's got money in this show.

50
00:04:17,265 --> 00:04:22,810
I want him walking out with his pants spread
 and an Alka-Seltzer foaming out of his mouth.

51
00:04:22,810 --> 00:04:26,569
Miss Fine, this is Beluga caviar,
 $100 an ounce.

52
00:04:26,569 --> 00:04:30,639
Niles, shopping tip, lump fish, Price Club,
 a dollar ninety-nine.

53
00:04:30,639 --> 00:04:33,451
It can fill up your whole bathtub.

54
00:04:33,451 --> 00:04:37,189
All right, Niles.  Charles Haist
 will be here any minute.

55
00:04:37,189 --> 00:04:40,671
What?  Is this all you're serving?
 / Told you so.

56
00:04:40,671 --> 00:04:42,801
Niles, I want everything to be perfect.

57
00:04:42,801 --> 00:04:45,372
I've been wanting to do this play since
the beginning of my career,

58
00:04:45,372 --> 00:04:49,025
and now finally Cee Cee has found 
an investor that shares my vision.

59
00:04:49,025 --> 00:04:52,498
Oh, what does he do? 
/ He's a garbage man.

60
00:04:52,498 --> 00:04:54,568
But a very wealthy 
and acclaimed one.

61
00:04:54,568 --> 00:04:57,993
Oh, Mr. Sheffield, look at you.  You seem
 like a virgin on your wedding night,

62
00:04:57,993 --> 00:05:00,580
not that I would know.

63
00:05:00,580 --> 00:05:03,133
Ah, because I've never been married.

64
00:05:03,133 --> 00:05:05,685
Where the devil is Cee Cee?
 / Well, it is raining outside, sir.

65
00:05:05,685 --> 00:05:08,646
Perhaps she melted.

66
00:05:08,646 --> 00:05:13,149
Shall I see if there's a pointy hat 
and Chanel suit lying in the street?

67
00:05:13,149 --> 00:05:16,521
Well, let's just hope 
my trashman comes through,

68
00:05:16,521 --> 00:05:18,939
or we'll lose the theater, 
lose Ben Vereen,

69
00:05:18,939 --> 00:05:22,048
and it could be 20 years before 
the pieces come together again.

70
00:05:22,048 --> 00:05:24,632
Well, then, what would happen 
to my mother's pishki?

71
00:05:24,632 --> 00:05:26,599
Oh, well, surely, Miss Fine, 
your mother realizes

72
00:05:26,599 --> 00:05:29,386
that investing in the theater
 is a risky business.

73
00:05:29,386 --> 00:05:35,816
You're talking about a woman whose idea of 
risk is wearing white pants to Tony Roma's.

74
00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:41,909
Besides, she's already decided how to spend
the profit. She's going to get her whole face redone.

75
00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:43,767
Oh, Miss Fine, it's a little premature.

76
00:05:43,767 --> 00:05:47,123
Really?  I thought 
she was long overdue.

77
00:05:47,123 --> 00:05:49,387
No, Miss Fine, 
it's premature to spend it.

78
00:05:49,387 --> 00:05:52,277
I mean you, you never know which 
way a play is going to go.

79
00:05:52,277 --> 00:05:56,364
Well, I don't like the sound of this at all. 
 You said it was a sure-fire hit.

80
00:05:56,364 --> 00:05:59,071
That's my job, to get investors.

81
00:05:59,071 --> 00:06:00,916
Believe me, I've tried 
all the other arguments.

82
00:06:00,916 --> 00:06:05,343
Why not throw your money down a rat hole; 
the theater is dying, all of those.

83
00:06:05,343 --> 00:06:08,795
But oddly enough the sure-fire hit
 routine is somehow more enticing.

84
00:06:08,795 --> 00:06:12,721
Well, how much of your own dough
 did you stuff down this turkey?

85
00:06:13,562 --> 00:06:15,647
Well, I never invest 
in my own plays.

86
00:06:15,647 --> 00:06:18,613
Well, it would be rather like
 a doctor operating on himself.

87
00:06:18,613 --> 00:06:23,873
Oh, although I got a cousin
 who's a urologist... / Yes.

88
00:06:24,599 --> 00:06:28,792
Poor Pee Wee's off the air, 
and my cousin's still practicing.

89
00:06:29,496 --> 00:06:33,243
Maxwell, is he here yet
 because I am hot today.

90
00:06:33,243 --> 00:06:35,763
Some twit of a tourist tried
 to cheat me out of a cab.

91
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:41,247
I stunned him with my umbrella 
and kneed him right in the big apple.

92
00:06:41,464 --> 00:06:45,088
I don't know why some nice guy
 hasn't snatched her up.

93
00:06:45,088 --> 00:06:46,927
Oh, my God, my hair.

94
00:06:46,927 --> 00:06:48,938
Look, Cee Cee,
 I'm counting on you.

95
00:06:48,938 --> 00:06:50,910
Haist fancies himself a bit of
 a ladies' man,

96
00:06:50,910 --> 00:06:54,601
so please do what you have to
 to make yourself presentable.

97
00:06:54,601 --> 00:06:58,764
Shall I open the roof and strap
 her to a lightning rod?

98
00:07:01,509 --> 00:07:04,447
No pressure, Miss Babcock, but,
 you know, if you don't make this happen,

99
00:07:04,447 --> 00:07:06,929
I know 12 canasta ladies
 that are going to come after

100
00:07:06,929 --> 00:07:10,791
you like the last piece of pastrami
 on a tray full of head cheese.

101
00:07:10,791 --> 00:07:14,250
Miss Fine, please.
 / I'm going, I'm going.

102
00:07:14,873 --> 00:07:18,584
All right.  Let's just hope 
Mr. Haist's in a generous mood.

103
00:07:20,317 --> 00:07:23,786
I hate show business already.

104
00:07:24,962 --> 00:07:29,724
I had a harder time getting here than
 I did coming down the birth canal.

105
00:07:30,850 --> 00:07:33,466
Charles Haist, how you doing?

106
00:07:33,466 --> 00:07:36,380
Maxwell Sheffield, hello.  
What on earth happened to you?

107
00:07:36,380 --> 00:07:41,759
Well, I was just getting into a taxi 
when some big blond woman kneed me in the groin,

108
00:07:41,759 --> 00:07:46,315
and then she clobbered me
with some hideous green umbrella.

109
00:07:47,645 --> 00:07:51,049
So where's your partner, Cee Cee?

110
00:07:51,049 --> 00:07:54,493
You know she's the best
 FAX I ever had.

111
00:07:54,493 --> 00:07:59,040
Well, Charlie, what, what do you say 
we just keep this between us boys, hey?

112
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:03,039
Oh, I gave that up in camp, Sheffy.

113
00:08:03,594 --> 00:08:06,155
Let me tell you why I'm getting
 into show business.

114
00:08:06,155 --> 00:08:10,858
I have made zillions in waste management 
but you just don't see a lot of leg,

115
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:15,048
and if you do, you're calling homicide.
  Ha, ha, ha.

116
00:08:16,115 --> 00:08:17,864
What exactly are you saying?

117
00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:22,119
What I'm saying, no chick,
no check, no deal.

118
00:08:22,119 --> 00:08:25,176
Maxwell, is he here yet?  Ahhhh ...

119
00:08:27,678 --> 00:08:33,005
Was that / Ah, that's... oh, you might as well 
know, that was my partner, Miss Babcock.

120
00:08:33,005 --> 00:08:36,015
All right, come on out, Cee Cee.

121
00:08:38,612 --> 00:08:44,176
Oh, no.  Do I have a run 
in my Hanes?

122
00:08:44,422 --> 00:08:49,692
Look, that's not a run; 
that's just a little snag.

123
00:08:49,924 --> 00:08:52,377
Have you got some clear polish? 
 I'll fix it for you.

124
00:08:52,377 --> 00:08:55,305
Miss...
/ Babcock, how do you do?

125
00:08:55,305 --> 00:08:58,227
What?  You know, you sounded
 a little different on the phone.

126
00:08:58,227 --> 00:09:02,947
Oh, I switched to MCI. 
/ Oh, why?

127
00:09:02,947 --> 00:09:07,033
Because I have got
a lot of friends and family.

128
00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:09,344
What's that?

129
00:09:09,344 --> 00:09:14,644
The dog.  We put her away because
 we didn't want her to jump your leg.

130
00:09:14,644 --> 00:09:17,663
We really need to have her fixed.

131
00:09:18,010 --> 00:09:19,354
Shall we?

132
00:09:22,026 --> 00:09:25,199
Maxwell, Nanny Fine can't 
possibly pass for me.

133
00:09:25,199 --> 00:09:28,631
She isn't in my class.

134
00:09:28,877 --> 00:09:31,262
She doesn't have my breeding.

135
00:09:31,262 --> 00:09:35,334
Well, then perhaps she won't lick 
herself in front of company.

136
00:09:35,334 --> 00:09:37,980
Maxwell, are you going to let
 him talk to me like that?

137
00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:39,845
Yes.

138
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:43,430
You attacked our investor.
 That's bad, Cee Cee, very bad.

139
00:09:43,430 --> 00:09:46,297
Maxwell. / Sit.

140
00:09:46,975 --> 00:09:50,015
Is he going to hit her with
 a rolled-up newspaper?

141
00:09:50,015 --> 00:09:54,057
All right.  We have exactly three minutes
 to teach you everything Miss Babcock 
knows about the theater.

142
00:09:54,057 --> 00:09:57,281
We can do that and make
 a two-minute egg.

143
00:09:57,281 --> 00:10:00,056
First, we open in Philadelphia.
 / Oh, Philly, great.

144
00:10:00,056 --> 00:10:03,222
My Aunt Selma lives in Philly. 
 She's the one with the miracle ear.

145
00:10:03,222 --> 00:10:08,014
Oh, a bit deaf, hey?
 / No, she has a miracle ear.

146
00:10:08,014 --> 00:10:12,512
When you look way inside,
 you can see the Virgin Mary.

147
00:10:12,512 --> 00:10:16,422
She can't even get her ears pierced
because they keep healing.

148
00:10:16,422 --> 00:10:18,372
This is absurd.

149
00:10:18,372 --> 00:10:20,185
Miss Fine, please.

150
00:10:20,185 --> 00:10:21,642
Miss Babcock.
 / Miss Babcock.

151
00:10:21,642 --> 00:10:23,894
What?

152
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:27,792
You better call me Cee Cee.  After all, 
we have been partners for over ten years.

153
00:10:27,792 --> 00:10:30,266
She's right.  There needs to be
 a certain level of intimacy.

154
00:10:30,266 --> 00:10:32,656
I've always said that. 
/ Sheffield?

155
00:10:32,656 --> 00:10:36,829
Get out, get out.  Out, out, 
/ Maxwell, it's raining.

156
00:10:41,796 --> 00:10:44,598
So where'd you guys disappear to?

157
00:10:45,878 --> 00:10:49,312
We had to put the dog out.

158
00:10:49,645 --> 00:10:52,773
All right, Sheffield, now I've got 
a couple of questions about the play.

159
00:10:52,773 --> 00:10:57,117
Now the first... 
does she ever wear pants?

160
00:10:57,117 --> 00:11:00,029
Cause then I'm out.

161
00:11:00,029 --> 00:11:05,349
And, second, where's the play open. 
/ Oh, I know that.  I know that.  I ...

162
00:11:05,534 --> 00:11:08,353
Miss Babcock, would you like
 some cream cheese?

163
00:11:08,353 --> 00:11:10,748
We open in Kraft.

164
00:11:10,748 --> 00:11:15,074
We open in Philly, Miss Fine... 
Babcock, fine Miss Babcock.

165
00:11:15,265 --> 00:11:18,235
Oh, that she is.  
But I'm moving on.

166
00:11:18,235 --> 00:11:20,418
Act I is... it's trash.

167
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:23,481
I beg your pardon. 
 It's a touching, well crafted ...

168
00:11:23,481 --> 00:11:28,616
Oh, it's got flies on it, Sheffy.  
We need a rock-um sock-um opening number.

169
00:11:28,616 --> 00:11:30,947
Yeah, people go to 
the theater after dinner.

170
00:11:30,947 --> 00:11:35,048
They got gas.  
They need a cover.

171
00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:39,245
Right.  We need a big number so 
people can open their candy wrappers.

172
00:11:39,245 --> 00:11:41,885
Which they'll then throw 
on the floor.

173
00:11:41,885 --> 00:11:43,719
More garbage.

174
00:11:43,719 --> 00:11:48,873
Oh, that intermission is going to sound 
like Massachusetts in the fall.

175
00:11:49,662 --> 00:11:51,494
Now, about that check ...

176
00:11:51,494 --> 00:11:54,408
I'm going to give you that check
 tomorrow evening over dinner.

177
00:11:54,408 --> 00:11:57,330
I've made reservations 
at the Rainbow Room.

178
00:11:57,330 --> 00:12:00,580
Oh, I love that place.
 / Oh, what a success story.

179
00:12:00,580 --> 00:12:03,847
They must do 20, 30, dumpsters 
a night. / No.

180
00:12:03,847 --> 00:12:07,281
Cee Cee, Cee Cee. / I'll pick you up 
at 8:00.  Where do you live?

181
00:12:07,281 --> 00:12:12,528
Well, um, you'd think I live here;
 I'm such a freeloader.

182
00:12:12,704 --> 00:12:17,214
Perhaps you have a business 
card in your purse. / Good.

183
00:12:17,901 --> 00:12:19,341
No.  Your purse.

184
00:12:19,341 --> 00:12:22,774
That's my purse.

185
00:12:27,060 --> 00:12:30,049
It's the rage in Europe.

186
00:12:30,628 --> 00:12:35,394
Okay.  Let's see.  We've got
 Retin-A and collagen.

187
00:12:35,394 --> 00:12:37,289
Oh, here, what's this?

188
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:41,194
Oh, the bill from my shrink. 
 Whoa!  Am I unhappy.

189
00:12:41,570 --> 00:12:44,984
407 East 86th Street.  
I'll send a limo.

190
00:12:46,791 --> 00:12:50,375
Niles, did you forget something? 
/ Oh, yes, quite right, sir.

191
00:13:10,716 --> 00:13:14,602
Oh, man, I'll never get this game.
 What do you do if you have four queens?

192
00:13:14,602 --> 00:13:18,533
Gather around the piano
 and sing songs from "Gypsy."

193
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:23,227
Hi, guys.

194
00:13:23,227 --> 00:13:26,186
Oh, wow, Fran, you look 
so hot in this dress.

195
00:13:26,186 --> 00:13:30,022
Oh, oh.  I'm supposed to
 look like Miss Babcock.

196
00:13:30,022 --> 00:13:33,088
I tried to dress conservatively.

197
00:13:33,088 --> 00:13:36,248
Niles, can you picture 
Miss Babcock in this dress?

198
00:13:36,248 --> 00:13:40,176
Not if I ever want to
 function as a man again.

199
00:13:41,227 --> 00:13:44,443
Sorry, Maggie, but three kings
beat four queens.

200
00:13:44,443 --> 00:13:48,953
They do? / Brighten, that is 
a big fat lie.  Didn't I teach you anything?

201
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:51,955
Gee, I don't know,
 Cee Cee, did you?

202
00:13:51,955 --> 00:13:53,610
Well, that's an entirely
 different thing.

203
00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:58,014
I am not lying.  I'm just pretending, 
like in one of your father's plays.

204
00:13:58,014 --> 00:14:00,773
Oh, so you're pretending 
to be an actor?

205
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:04,018
No.  You're thinking of Stephen Segal.

206
00:14:04,992 --> 00:14:08,416
Besides, why aren't you playing hide
 and seek with your sister Gracie?

207
00:14:08,416 --> 00:14:11,423
She's been up in the hamper
 for three and a half hours.

208
00:14:11,423 --> 00:14:14,025
Oh, she'll show.  How many days 
can she go without food?

209
00:14:14,025 --> 00:14:17,097
Well, about as long as you can go 
without that "Playboy" magazine

210
00:14:17,097 --> 00:14:20,815
that's rolled up inside
 your Lincoln logs.

211
00:14:21,312 --> 00:14:24,520
Ready or not,
 here I come.

212
00:14:24,693 --> 00:14:26,902
Okay, Niles, I'm off
 to be Miss Babcock.

213
00:14:26,902 --> 00:14:30,060
Help me get into character. 
Hit me with your best shot.

214
00:14:30,060 --> 00:14:32,729
Oh, no, Miss Fine,
 I couldn't possibly.

215
00:14:32,729 --> 00:14:35,968
Oh, come on.  Hello, hello, 
I'm Cee Cee Babcock.

216
00:14:35,968 --> 00:14:38,620
Off to go to work. 
/ In your usual corner?

217
00:14:38,620 --> 00:14:43,681
Oh, I'm sorry.  Miss Fine,
don't make me do this.

218
00:14:43,681 --> 00:14:48,040
I'm Miss Babcock, and I'm off 
to get money from a man.

219
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,262
Don't forget your change belt.

220
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:56,480
Oh, I hate myself.  Do it again.

221
00:14:56,946 --> 00:15:00,081
Now I have to go.
 / Oh, come on, one more, I'm hot.

222
00:15:00,081 --> 00:15:02,766
Oh, all right, and
 I'll make this one easy.

223
00:15:02,766 --> 00:15:06,199
Niles, get me a drink. 
 I'm dog tired.

224
00:15:06,199 --> 00:15:08,285
Dog tired?
 / Come on.

225
00:15:08,285 --> 00:15:09,900
A drink for the dog.
 / I don't hear anything.

226
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:13,234
Oh, ah, ah ... 
/ Oh, Niles, get a life.

227
00:15:13,234 --> 00:15:16,169
Oh, oh, oh, oh,
 I've got, I've got it.

228
00:15:16,169 --> 00:15:19,939
I'll leave the lid up
on the toilet bowl ...

229
00:15:21,851 --> 00:15:24,268
Officer.

230
00:15:34,028 --> 00:15:36,696
Hi. 
/ You finally got here.

231
00:15:36,696 --> 00:15:40,505
Oh, this is nice.  Very warm.

232
00:15:40,716 --> 00:15:43,423
Which way to radiology?

233
00:15:43,423 --> 00:15:47,339
Let me guess.  
The Heidi Fleiss collection?

234
00:15:48,495 --> 00:15:51,253
You told me to wear something designer.

235
00:15:51,253 --> 00:15:55,711
All right.  I have prepared
 a short dossier on myself.

236
00:15:56,954 --> 00:16:00,871
where I grew up,
 went to prep school,

237
00:16:00,871 --> 00:16:04,257
when I came out.
 / You came out?

238
00:16:05,103 --> 00:16:08,377
So what are you always sniffing
 around Mr. Sheffield for?

239
00:16:08,377 --> 00:16:11,284
My coming out party, Miss Fine.

240
00:16:11,284 --> 00:16:12,726
I know.  I heard you.

241
00:16:12,726 --> 00:16:18,366
You know, now you and your special friend 
can dance together at Disneyland.

242
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:22,624
Oh, aren't these lovely.

243
00:16:22,624 --> 00:16:24,896
Oh, who are these people
 in the picture?

244
00:16:24,896 --> 00:16:27,028
That's my brother,
 and that's any sister.

245
00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:30,454
Wow, isn't he gorgeous.

246
00:16:30,454 --> 00:16:34,048
Yeah, he is, isn't he?
 / Come on.  Who is he?

247
00:16:34,048 --> 00:16:37,239
Just someone; he's not important.
 / Oh, tell me, tell me.

248
00:16:37,239 --> 00:16:40,171
He came with the frame, okay?

249
00:16:42,729 --> 00:16:49,243
Oh, honey, there's nothing to be ashamed of. 
 A lot of grown women do that.

250
00:16:49,243 --> 00:16:51,904
So pathetic.

251
00:16:52,747 --> 00:16:55,589
All right, now what do I do
if Haist wants something to drink?

252
00:16:55,589 --> 00:16:59,929
Oh, I've got gin, vodka, bourbon.

253
00:16:59,929 --> 00:17:03,823
You don't have anything 
a little softer? / Rum?

254
00:17:04,014 --> 00:17:08,510
It's a good thing that I carry 
a can of Clamato with me.

255
00:17:08,510 --> 00:17:12,616
Plus if ever you hit a skunk 
/ Nanny Fine.

256
00:17:12,616 --> 00:17:16,363
Meanwhile, Miss Martha Stewart, 
with half a million dollars coming,

257
00:17:16,363 --> 00:17:19,876
would it have hurt to squeeze 
a little cheese on a Ritz?

258
00:17:19,876 --> 00:17:24,172
Please, concentrate. 
 Who is it?

259
00:17:24,172 --> 00:17:27,999
Who do you think it is?  Ed McMahan?
  Get in the closet.

260
00:17:29,965 --> 00:17:31,470
Charlie, hi.

261
00:17:31,470 --> 00:17:36,040
Hello. / Come on in and take a load off.
  That check must be heavy.

262
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,413
So this is your apartment.
 / Uh-huh.

263
00:17:38,413 --> 00:17:43,344
Doesn't look like you at all. 
/ Ha, ha.  Go hire a straight decorator.

264
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:48,338
For you, Cee Cee. 
/ Oh, how lovely.

265
00:17:48,338 --> 00:17:51,791
Thank you so much.
  Did you bring the half a mil?

266
00:17:51,791 --> 00:17:55,561
Cee Cee, I've been thinking.
  I don't want to invest that much.

267
00:17:55,561 --> 00:17:59,329
You don't? 
/ No.  I want to double it.

268
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,491
Ohhhhhh ...

269
00:18:01,947 --> 00:18:04,056
Poltergeist.

270
00:18:04,056 --> 00:18:08,006
I got the apartment really cheap,
 but I can't watch TV.

271
00:18:08,620 --> 00:18:10,612
Are you going to put
those flowers in a vase?

272
00:18:10,612 --> 00:18:12,552
Oh, yeah, sure, of course.

273
00:18:12,552 --> 00:18:15,263
If only I could figure out
 where I put my vases.

274
00:18:15,263 --> 00:18:18,903
Perhaps in the kitchen. 
/ Right.  In the kitchen.  Of course.

275
00:18:19,543 --> 00:18:21,540
That's a linen closet.

276
00:18:21,958 --> 00:18:26,293
The maid was here today.  She never 
puts anything back where it belongs.

277
00:18:26,293 --> 00:18:29,474
Now if I were the maid, 
where would I put the kitchen?

278
00:18:29,474 --> 00:18:31,444
Oh, bingo.

279
00:18:33,331 --> 00:18:34,735
Aren't you going to get that?

280
00:18:34,735 --> 00:18:39,834
No.  It's just my idiot neighbor.
  You live in 6-B.

281
00:18:43,139 --> 00:18:45,023
Maxwell, what are you doing here?

282
00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:47,847
Cee Cee, I've come to my senses.
This is not how I do business.

283
00:18:47,847 --> 00:18:52,247
Are you crazy?  He is throwing money at her, 
and she didn't even have to put out...

284
00:18:52,247 --> 00:18:56,398
hors d'oeuvres, the cats,
 anything really.

285
00:18:56,398 --> 00:18:59,442
I don't care how important
 this play is to me.

286
00:18:59,442 --> 00:19:02,065
Nothing is worth this.
 / He's up to a million.

287
00:19:02,065 --> 00:19:04,657
They're coming.  
Get in the closet.

288
00:19:05,598 --> 00:19:09,274
I wouldn't eat that shrimp if you were you. 
 God knows how long it's been in there.

289
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,961
Oh, Cee Cee, I'm an expert on garbage.

290
00:19:11,961 --> 00:19:15,449
This baby's got two or 
three hours before it turns.

291
00:19:15,660 --> 00:19:19,522
Want a bite? / No. 
 As appealing as hepatitis sounds,

292
00:19:19,522 --> 00:19:23,310
yellow is just not my color.

293
00:19:23,310 --> 00:19:26,418
Well, let's talk about us.

294
00:19:26,418 --> 00:19:30,384
You see, I, I think you 
and I see eye-to-eye.

295
00:19:30,384 --> 00:19:33,444
Those aren't my eyes.

296
00:19:35,242 --> 00:19:41,065
Well, don't you know that little bald middle
 age men have very high levels of testosterone?

297
00:19:41,065 --> 00:19:45,301
An ironic twist of fate.

298
00:19:45,678 --> 00:19:51,153
You see, I say let's dump
 Sheffield and make this a duet.

299
00:19:51,153 --> 00:19:53,532
You said on the phone
 that you're the brains

300
00:19:53,532 --> 00:19:56,783
and he's just a pretty
 face in a blazer.

301
00:19:56,783 --> 00:20:01,419
I said that? 
 How dare me.

302
00:20:02,044 --> 00:20:07,070
I said you were pretty great 
and a trail blazer.

303
00:20:07,070 --> 00:20:10,201
Damn celular phones.

304
00:20:10,201 --> 00:20:11,798
Let me tell you something.

305
00:20:11,798 --> 00:20:14,891
Maxwell Sheffield is 
a man of vision.

306
00:20:14,891 --> 00:20:18,995
Sure he passed on "Cats," 
not one of his finest hours,

307
00:20:18,995 --> 00:20:23,708
but when everybody was going crazy 
wondering where to put the fiddler,

308
00:20:23,708 --> 00:20:28,996
he's the one that said, 
"Stick him on the roof."

309
00:20:31,071 --> 00:20:34,796
What does Sheffield really
 have that I don't have?

310
00:20:34,796 --> 00:20:39,333
Well, for starters, he doesn't have
 a shrimp vein hanging out of his tooth.

311
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:42,822
Mr. Sheffield is
a man of integrity.

312
00:20:42,822 --> 00:20:45,691
When he believes in a play
 he will stick by it

313
00:20:45,691 --> 00:20:48,834
even if it takes him 
20 years to mount.

314
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:53,650
Whilst I, Cee Cee Babcock, will
 mount just about anything.

315
00:20:53,894 --> 00:20:57,503
Oh, there must be a gun in here somewhere.
  I'll say she was a burglar.

316
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:02,704
If you're going to stick with that 
no-talent limie loser, then...

317
00:21:02,704 --> 00:21:05,894
oh, hey, hi, Sheffield. 
/ Oh, she goes in; he comes out.

318
00:21:05,894 --> 00:21:09,187
This is like 
a David Copperfield special.

319
00:21:09,547 --> 00:21:11,747
Mr. Sheffield,
 what are you doing here?

320
00:21:11,747 --> 00:21:14,664
Just throwing out the trash.

321
00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:17,577
Don't leave.

322
00:21:18,149 --> 00:21:22,812
Do you want to hear 
a really funny story?

323
00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:26,319
Hello, there. 
/ Mr. Sheffield.

324
00:21:26,319 --> 00:21:31,146
You were worried about me so you 
were peeking through the key hole?

325
00:21:31,146 --> 00:21:34,242
Oh, how sweet.

326
00:21:34,242 --> 00:21:37,433
You don't do that at home, do you?

327
00:21:42,683 --> 00:21:45,706
Oh, Niles, my mother's going
 to be here any minute.

328
00:21:45,706 --> 00:21:49,677
How am I going to tell her that 
she doesn't have a pot to pishki in?

329
00:21:50,023 --> 00:21:51,943
Just tell her the truth.

330
00:21:51,943 --> 00:21:55,058
Oh, right, the truth, of course.
  I'm a grown woman.

331
00:21:55,058 --> 00:21:57,853
I don't have to be afraid of
 my own mother.

332
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,256
Besides, she's slowed down
 ever since her thighs met.

333
00:22:02,515 --> 00:22:05,099
She wears corduroy slacks. 
 She could roast a marshmallow.

334
00:22:05,988 --> 00:22:08,429
Hi Ma. / Hi.
 /  How you doing?

335
00:22:08,429 --> 00:22:13,060
Ma, I got something to tell you, 
but I'm scared you're going to yell.

336
00:22:13,060 --> 00:22:17,980
Darling, you scared of your mother? 
 I could just smack you.

337
00:22:18,247 --> 00:22:20,749
Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

338
00:22:20,749 --> 00:22:23,744
Meanwhile, when's the last time
 you called your poor mother...

339
00:22:23,744 --> 00:22:30,047
an ocean away in a drafty country
 eating French fries from a newspaper?

340
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,918
Mommy, just promise me you're
not going to yell.

341
00:22:37,918 --> 00:22:40,472
Why would I yell?

342
00:22:40,472 --> 00:22:44,374
Good evening, ladies. / Mr. Sheffield, 
I was just going to tell my mother
 about her investment.

343
00:22:44,374 --> 00:22:47,169
Oh, yes.  As a matter of fact, 
I have some good news on that front.

344
00:22:47,169 --> 00:22:50,257
I found a new investor,
 and you are looking at him.

345
00:22:50,257 --> 00:22:54,188
Oh, well, I thought that you never 
invested in your own plays.

346
00:22:54,188 --> 00:22:57,077
Which frankly I always found
 to be very fishy.

347
00:22:57,077 --> 00:23:02,044
Well, I hear this one's being produced
 by a man of vision and integrity.

348
00:23:02,044 --> 00:23:04,549
Oh, Sylvia, you'd have been
very proud of your daughter.

349
00:23:04,549 --> 00:23:06,286
Oh, we don't need to 
tell her this.

350
00:23:06,286 --> 00:23:08,419
She turned down one of the wealthiest
 men in the country,

351
00:23:08,419 --> 00:23:11,299
and she did it out of loyalty to me.

352
00:23:11,477 --> 00:23:13,970
So that's what you were 
afraid to tell me,

353
00:23:13,970 --> 00:23:16,272
that you turned down a millionaire.

354
00:23:16,272 --> 00:23:20,667
Franny, you don't know your 
mother very well. / Oh ...

355
00:23:22,429 --> 00:23:26,175
Excuse me.  Is this oven gas?