1 00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:07,877 Ya gotta admit, things are going pretty well since I took over. 2 00:00:08,258 --> 00:00:10,090 Certainly a lot smoother lately. 3 00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,964 And based on my surveillance 4 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,087 our four humans don't suspect anything. 5 00:00:14,181 --> 00:00:16,389 Yeah, because we're killing it. 6 00:00:16,475 --> 00:00:18,011 Wooo-hoo-hoo! 7 00:00:18,185 --> 00:00:19,266 You sure are. 8 00:00:19,436 --> 00:00:22,770 Here are the torture ideas you asked me to write up for next week. 9 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:24,524 Ugh... 10 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,019 So long. 11 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,813 You're not supposed to be torturing me. 12 00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:32,030 From now on, make all your memos one page, max... with pictures. 13 00:00:32,282 --> 00:00:37,073 Also, Quinston over here already came up with a sick idea for how to torture Tahani. 14 00:00:37,204 --> 00:00:38,204 Tell him, babe. 15 00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:40,739 We're gonna have Tahani throw a party for Gunnar's birthday 16 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:44,125 but no one will show up, because we'll also be throwing a party 17 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,455 and it'll be way better! 18 00:00:45,504 --> 00:00:46,961 Boom! 19 00:00:47,005 --> 00:00:49,418 Where do you get these incredible ideas? 20 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,502 That one just came to me. 21 00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:53,279 - It just, like, popped right into my noodle. - Yeah, that's right! 22 00:00:55,264 --> 00:00:56,424 - Up top! - Oh! 23 00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:57,589 So, that's their plan. 24 00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,507 This doesn't seem so bad. 25 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,968 Yeah, it really tugs my nuggets. 26 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,270 I worked so hard on my torture ideas 27 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:05,646 and theirs are so basic. 28 00:01:06,149 --> 00:01:08,232 These Millennials, they have no work ethic. 29 00:01:09,111 --> 00:01:10,397 Oh, sorry, a... 30 00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,979 a "millennial" is someone who's only been torturing people 31 00:01:13,031 --> 00:01:14,238 for a thousand years. 32 00:01:15,242 --> 00:01:16,242 "Millennial." 33 00:01:23,041 --> 00:01:24,327 OK, coast is clear. 34 00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:26,413 Not a demon in sight. 35 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:27,668 Except for, you know... 36 00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:29,746 Is that what we should call you? "Demon?" 37 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:33,166 Well, I mean, it's not really accurate and we consider it to be... 38 00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,425 a little racist. 39 00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:35,469 But it's fine. 40 00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:38,755 Well, um, let's start our first lesson. 41 00:01:39,099 --> 00:01:43,309 Tahani and Jason will have to make it up since they're both off being fake-tortured. 42 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:48,565 I'd like to mention again that a "being" like me studying human ethics is pointless. 43 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:52,603 Wouldn't you rather I work on the plans to get us all to the real Good Place? 44 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:53,686 Nope. 45 00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,856 This is school, that's your after-school job. 46 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:58,820 If I could bartend when I was 11, you can handle this. 47 00:01:58,994 --> 00:02:01,486 Alright, well, I've read everything on your syllabus 48 00:02:01,538 --> 00:02:03,621 and how... how do I put this delicately? 49 00:02:03,999 --> 00:02:04,999 It's all... 50 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,453 stupid garbage. 51 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:10,165 Ah, well, are there any philosophers that you found interesting? 52 00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:12,547 Lao-Tzu? Buddha? Plato? 53 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:13,627 Nope. No. 54 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,166 They're all dumdums. 55 00:02:15,594 --> 00:02:17,256 And terrible writers! 56 00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,886 So hard to understand. 57 00:02:18,930 --> 00:02:20,717 I am with you there, dog. 58 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:23,008 - Mm. - Look, we have to start somewhere 59 00:02:23,060 --> 00:02:25,268 so how about Socrates? 60 00:02:25,354 --> 00:02:26,435 alright, alright... 61 00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:28,938 let me just get into the mind-set of a human. 62 00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:31,850 "Ha, ha... Oh, I'm a human..." 63 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:34,940 "and my breathing tube is next to my eating tube." 64 00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,739 "Oh, and look! My arms end in stupid little sticks!" 65 00:02:39,326 --> 00:02:41,283 OK. Proceed. 66 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,620 Good. 67 00:02:42,746 --> 00:02:44,658 Ugh, this is so depressing. 68 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,699 I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail. 69 00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:51,578 Well, why don't you let me handle it? I'm great at failing at stuff. Uh, Janet? 70 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,879 Hi there! 71 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:55,006 Hi! Me and Tahani are throwing a rager. 72 00:02:55,050 --> 00:02:56,757 So, we're going to need the essentials 73 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:58,839 chips, salsa, a tank of nitrous 74 00:02:58,887 --> 00:02:59,843 a treasure map 75 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,504 water-skis, a boat, water 76 00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:02,909 those zappy-paddles for your chest 77 00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:04,049 a big snake, obviously... 78 00:03:04,101 --> 00:03:07,221 No, no, no, ignore all of that, Janet. Please just design a basic dinner party. 79 00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:12,311 I know this sucks, but I think you're great at throwing parties. 80 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,191 That's why they're doing this. 81 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:15,443 It's what you're best at. 82 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:19,777 Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut. 83 00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:21,242 You know what? 84 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:22,818 You're absolutely right. 85 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,569 We should get a big snake?! - No. 86 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,788 I am the best at planning parties. 87 00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,790 Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld 88 00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:32,077 but does she have taste, sophistication 89 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,440 an encyclopaedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde 90 00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:35,464 Belgian floral design? 91 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:37,089 Yes, she does! 92 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:40,593 No, she doesn't. 93 00:03:40,637 --> 00:03:45,052 What if I throw a party that is so amazing that it's actually better than the party 94 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:48,593 that's supposed to win? When they realise they could have come to my party 95 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,261 they'll be sad. I won't be sad. 96 00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:51,554 They'll be sad! 97 00:03:51,606 --> 00:03:52,471 Janet? 98 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:53,524 Hi there! 99 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,103 Janet, when I turned 18 100 00:03:55,736 --> 00:03:57,853 I knelt in front of Princess Grace's dress mausoleum 101 00:03:57,904 --> 00:04:00,317 and I swore to uphold the Hostess Code. 102 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,861 "I, Tahani Al-Jamil" 103 00:04:03,493 --> 00:04:05,325 "shall do my level best" 104 00:04:05,412 --> 00:04:08,405 "to make every event too much." 105 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:13,327 Model tonight's decor after my 2008 fundraiser for the Red Cross in Zurich. 106 00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:16,705 No... 2007! 107 00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:23,836 Man... 108 00:04:23,972 --> 00:04:26,009 Michael is not into your class. 109 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,719 Right now, I'm the best student. 110 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,350 I'm gonna be the velociraptor. 111 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,725 You trying to say, "Valedictorian?" - No. 112 00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,431 Look, dude, this isn't your fault. 113 00:04:35,484 --> 00:04:39,023 You've been teaching him ethics for half an hour and he's been evil since... 114 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,186 the beginning of time. 115 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,070 Oh! 116 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,449 Maybe the reason Michael can't latch onto the ideas is because he's immortal. 117 00:04:45,494 --> 00:04:48,453 Look, if you live forever, then ethics don't matter to you 118 00:04:48,497 --> 00:04:51,331 because basically there's no consequences for your actions. 119 00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:52,831 You tell a lie, who cares? 120 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:54,716 Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade. 121 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,873 Before I can teach Michael to be good 122 00:04:57,172 --> 00:05:00,006 I have to force him to think about what we used to think about 123 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:04,590 that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning. 124 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,157 That's what you used to think about? 125 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:09,140 I used to think about how it's weird they don't make pants 126 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:12,473 that are just one big pant leg for both your legs. 127 00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:14,021 You mean a skirt? 128 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:15,731 No! Th... 129 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,883 You're not getting it. And my thing is different, so shut up. 130 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:20,110 - Michael. - Yep. 131 00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,145 Is there any way that you can die? 132 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,104 Yeah. 133 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:24,359 Actually, there is. 134 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:25,648 It's called, "retirement." 135 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:28,989 It's rare, but when one of us really screws something up... 136 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,908 And, uh, what happens exactly? 137 00:05:31,957 --> 00:05:34,370 Well... it's fairly straightforward 138 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:38,703 my essence would be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle 139 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:42,419 and every molecule in my body would be placed on the surface 140 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:43,708 of a different sun. 141 00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:44,834 Sure. 142 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:47,845 So, is... is that what would happen if your boss found out 143 00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,801 that you defected to our side? - Yeah. 144 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,058 OK, so that might actually happen. 145 00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:55,891 And if it did, there would be no more "Michael." 146 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:57,854 Think about that for a second. 147 00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,647 Imagine being retired. 148 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:04,445 Everyone else is here, but you, poof. 149 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,022 Gone. Nothingness. 150 00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:08,282 Inky black void. Done. 151 00:06:09,619 --> 00:06:11,702 OK, I'll think about that. 152 00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:18,460 Huh. 153 00:06:18,962 --> 00:06:23,297 So, you're saying I would be... 154 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:28,470 no... 155 00:06:29,973 --> 00:06:30,973 me? 156 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:43,694 OK! 157 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,236 Now, we're getting somewhere. 158 00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:49,107 Dude, you broke Michael! 159 00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:50,783 No, no, this is good. 160 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,659 He's having an existential crisis! 161 00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:55,746 It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate 162 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:58,453 the silent indifference of our empty universe. 163 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:00,834 Look, the good news is... 164 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,666 if he can work through this 165 00:07:02,714 --> 00:07:05,673 it's the first step towards understanding human ethics! 166 00:07:05,717 --> 00:07:06,958 And what if he can't? 167 00:07:07,010 --> 00:07:09,343 Well, then he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever 168 00:07:09,387 --> 00:07:10,628 and we're all doomed. 169 00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:14,139 OK, I will be right back. 170 00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:15,970 Gonna go grab some Kamu! 171 00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:18,395 Hey, buddy. 172 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:20,522 How ya doin'? 173 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,102 Can I get you a snack? 174 00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:24,476 Do you eat? I can never remember. What do you eat? 175 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:25,527 Babies? 176 00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,486 You want me to get you a big fat baby? 177 00:07:27,572 --> 00:07:28,528 What flavour baby? 178 00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,906 How about a Cool Ranch Baby? 179 00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:34,194 Searching for meaning is philosophical suicide. 180 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:36,282 How does anyone do anything 181 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:40,367 when you understand the fleeting nature of existence? 182 00:07:40,669 --> 00:07:42,251 It's pretty easy, man. 183 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,332 I mean, you learn about death when you're a kid 184 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,919 and it's just not that big a deal. 185 00:07:51,429 --> 00:07:55,764 Eleanor, baby, I have some sad news. 186 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:59,761 Your doggie Max has passed away. Do you know what that means? 187 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:03,644 Well, sometimes when a dog is very old 188 00:08:03,692 --> 00:08:06,184 like, five or six or something 189 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,069 he crosses a long rainbow bridge 190 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:12,278 and at the end of that bridge is a beautiful farm 191 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,783 with lots of grass and trees and... 192 00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:17,615 I dunno, wagons, and a rainbow? 193 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,239 I already said "rainbow"... 194 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,158 The point is, that's where Max is. 195 00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:24,118 Can we visit him at the farm? 196 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:27,629 Nope, because it's very far away 197 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,008 in... 198 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:29,915 Guam. 199 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:30,875 It's in Guam. 200 00:08:30,969 --> 00:08:32,130 Can we have... - OK, look! 201 00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:33,464 I'm lying, OK? 202 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,717 Ya caught me, congratulations. 203 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,973 The farm is made up, the bridge is made up 204 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,884 there's no such place as "Guam." 205 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:42,678 Your dog Max is dead in a duffel bag under the deck. 206 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,685 How did he die? 207 00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:46,770 The short answer is, I don't know. 208 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:52,314 And the slightly longer answer is, I didn't know how hot it gets 209 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,697 in cars sometimes. 210 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:56,234 The point is, don't be sad. 211 00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:59,282 Honestly, I'll get kind of annoyed if you do get sad 212 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:02,198 because it's been a very long day, and that bitch Carol 213 00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:06,244 from work was really on my ass about some stupid thing 214 00:09:06,296 --> 00:09:07,707 that I don't even know what it was 215 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:11,124 and at the end of that long day, I had to use one of my favourite duffel bags 216 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:14,635 to do something very gross that I did not like. 217 00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:18,555 Now, let's celebrate that dead dog's life by bringing Mummy 218 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,932 another bottle of white. 219 00:09:20,935 --> 00:09:22,392 Pinot Grigio or Chardonnay? 220 00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:23,479 Surprise me! 221 00:09:23,688 --> 00:09:25,520 Oh, what am I thinking? Pinot. 222 00:09:25,774 --> 00:09:27,936 Mumma thirsty for that Peen Greej. 223 00:09:27,984 --> 00:09:28,984 Go. 224 00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:32,524 Hey there, buddy. 225 00:09:32,947 --> 00:09:34,108 You feeling kinda empty? 226 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,194 Like there's a gaping chasm in your soul? 227 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:40,737 A tumbleweed, blowing aimlessly through a vast desert of nothingness? 228 00:09:40,955 --> 00:09:41,820 Mm-hmm. 229 00:09:41,873 --> 00:09:44,081 You think that nothing we do matters, right? 230 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:45,616 Yeah. - Well, here's the thing. 231 00:09:45,668 --> 00:09:49,628 life isn't meaningless and you are the very proof of that! 232 00:09:49,672 --> 00:09:51,834 I used to feel the way you feel right now 233 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:54,671 but it turns out everything we did on Earth mattered. 234 00:09:54,761 --> 00:09:58,721 In fact, actions had an actual point value! 235 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:01,599 So life had a tangible meaning 236 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:04,761 which means that you don't have to feel this way anymore, buddy! 237 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,767 Existential crisis solved. 238 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:09,650 You're right. 239 00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:11,395 Your lives aren't meaningless. 240 00:10:11,653 --> 00:10:14,441 Everything on Earth counted for something. - Sure did. 241 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:21,236 The same is not true here in the afterlife, where I exist 242 00:10:21,579 --> 00:10:23,070 and have always existed. 243 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:24,623 OK! 244 00:10:24,874 --> 00:10:28,538 But, there has to be some sort of value system, right? 245 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:31,086 I mean, how else do you judge the value of your actions 246 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,247 outside of work? 247 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:34,422 There is no "outside of work." 248 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:37,836 None of us exist outside our jobs. 249 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:42,173 We have no homes, we have no hobbies, or relationships. 250 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:44,471 We get the names of people to torture 251 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:46,055 we torture them 252 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,686 we get more names. 253 00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,517 Ah, OK. 254 00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:52,980 So... you don't actually know if there's any purpose 255 00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,895 or... or larger meaning in all of this? 256 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:57,695 Nope. - Cool. 257 00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,491 Cool. 258 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,076 I would say I outdid myself, but... 259 00:11:02,412 --> 00:11:06,031 I'm always this good, so I simply "did" myself. 260 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,830 Everything is perfect. 261 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:11,706 Red alert. Red alert. 262 00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:13,871 We need help. - What's wrong with Michael? 263 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:14,959 Uh-oh. I know that look. 264 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,716 He just snorted a bunch of printer toner. Mike, listen to me. 265 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,447 You have nothing to worry about. You still have around 70% of your brain left. 266 00:11:20,471 --> 00:11:23,214 No, no, this is more like a philosophy overdose. 267 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:25,716 Basically, Michael just smoked a big bowl of ennui 268 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,976 and now he's having an existential crisis. 269 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:30,013 So, we need to cheer him up. 270 00:11:30,190 --> 00:11:34,104 Look at how pretty the restaurant is! 271 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:37,103 Didn't Tahani do a good job? 272 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:41,069 Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy. 273 00:11:41,117 --> 00:11:42,528 We're all just corpses 274 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,902 who haven't yet begun to decay. 275 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,574 Yeah, but... 276 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,656 balloons! 277 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:52,747 OK, we all head over to Vicky's party together. 278 00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,459 We babysit Michael in shifts so that no one sees he's a catatonic blob. 279 00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,089 Or, you could just sit tight 280 00:11:58,343 --> 00:12:01,131 the entire party are going to be heading over here soon 281 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:02,962 unless I am sorely mistaken. 282 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:10,010 ♪ I'm taking you, baby ♪ 283 00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,392 ♪ All the way to Lucky Town... ♪ 284 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:14,310 I was sorely mistaken. 285 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,067 OK, bud, whatever's going on right now 286 00:12:17,111 --> 00:12:19,194 just shove your feelings way down deep 287 00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:22,732 plaster on a fake smile and pretend you're having fun, OK? 288 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,504 Just like I used to do when someone started talking about their kids. 289 00:12:27,038 --> 00:12:28,620 Hey! Welcome, guys. 290 00:12:28,706 --> 00:12:32,040 Wow, this is... elaborate. 291 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,498 Gunnar was an animal rights activist 292 00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:37,208 so the theme of the party is "Animals!" 293 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:40,250 Flying station's over there, if you want to fly like a falcon. 294 00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:41,796 Wahoo! 295 00:12:41,886 --> 00:12:44,799 And over there, we filled a ball pit with puppies, that's fun. 296 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:48,390 Oh, and have you ever wanted to sit in a kangaroo pouch? 297 00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:49,766 My whole dang life. 298 00:12:50,228 --> 00:12:52,456 So, we can all hang out here for a bit and then we can head over 299 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,846 to your party. Sound good? 300 00:12:53,898 --> 00:12:55,514 Yo, this place is lit! 301 00:12:55,566 --> 00:12:57,307 I'ma go jump in that kangie's pouch! 302 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,692 Hey! 303 00:12:59,070 --> 00:13:02,313 Alright, Tahani, you just need to walk around the party looking miserable. 304 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,148 Great, just like that. Perfect. 305 00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:06,609 And then, uh, Chidi and I will keep an eye on Michael. 306 00:13:07,412 --> 00:13:08,869 Where's Michael? 307 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,790 Ah... think I found him. 308 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,162 There they are! 309 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:16,793 Que pasa, muchachos? 310 00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,254 Hey, there bud. You OK? 311 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,336 OK? I'm a new man! 312 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,842 Oh, Eleanor, thank you so much for the advice 313 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:26,178 about shoving my feelings down deep. 314 00:13:26,347 --> 00:13:30,762 I feel so much better. It's like I'm surfin' on this wave of positivity! 315 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,225 Is that Janet? 316 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,305 Oh, yeah, have you met my secretary, Jeanette? 317 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:39,308 She's a lot like Janet but she doesn't pretend like she has all the answers. 318 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,976 Oh, uh, hi, Jeanette! 319 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,146 Oh, no. It's still me - Janet. 320 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:45,531 Michael just asked that I change my appearance 321 00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:48,409 and also say things like, "You're so funny!" 322 00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,533 And, "So, we should go to San Diego this weekend." 323 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:54,832 And, "So, how many quarterbacks are in a home run?" 324 00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,208 I don't understand what's happening. 325 00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:59,836 Man, repressing your feelings is great. 326 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:04,296 I was feeling stress all the time and now it's just so easy. 327 00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:07,553 Babe, we need to get some food into you, get you something to eat. 328 00:14:07,597 --> 00:14:09,008 I don't eat anything. 329 00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:10,343 She's perfect. 330 00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:12,011 Hey, turn that around! 331 00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:13,384 ♪ Roll them dice, baby! ♪ 332 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:17,353 It did kinda hurt actually, but I love it. 333 00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:21,734 So, he's moved on from existential crisis to just straight-up mid-life crisis. 334 00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:22,814 That's good, right? 335 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,945 I knew a ton of guys like that back in Arizona. 336 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,885 I mean, they hit on you when they're drunk and their breath smells like supplements 337 00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:29,345 but overall, they're pretty harmless. 338 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,110 It's Chinese for "Japan." 339 00:14:31,162 --> 00:14:32,824 Ugh... So cool. 340 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:34,780 No, no. This is worse. 341 00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:38,200 I mean, an existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd 342 00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,039 and that absurdity needs to be confronted. 343 00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:43,167 But this is just denial. And at any moment that denial could collapse 344 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,252 and he'll be a mess! 345 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,087 He is a Jenga tower of sadness! 346 00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:48,836 For an immortal being, he's pretty fragile. 347 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:52,556 I mean, the guy contemplates his own death for one forking minute 348 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,183 and completely loses his grip on reality? 349 00:15:01,484 --> 00:15:03,692 You didn't have to come. I said I'm fine. 350 00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:06,820 Yeah, well, I know you guys weren't super close, but still. 351 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,110 It's hard, losing a parent. 352 00:15:09,158 --> 00:15:11,400 Eleanor! Mummy's here, baby. 353 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,699 Oh, and who is this tall drink of wine? 354 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,410 Um, this is my boyfriend, Sam. 355 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,414 Sam, this is my... 356 00:15:18,459 --> 00:15:19,415 ...mother - Sister! 357 00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:20,996 Sister. Ugh, that's not gonna work... 358 00:15:21,045 --> 00:15:22,536 It's my ex-husband's funeral. 359 00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:24,747 Thanks for blowing my cover, Doug! 360 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,583 Listen, baby, don't be sad, OK? 361 00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,460 Your father wasn't great. 362 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:31,302 Let's call him what he was 363 00:15:31,681 --> 00:15:33,718 a fart in the shape of a man. 364 00:15:33,850 --> 00:15:34,886 Can you just chill? 365 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:36,888 I don't want to turn Dad's funeral into a roast. 366 00:15:36,936 --> 00:15:39,303 I'm not! I'm just saying, he sucked. 367 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,147 I mean, the only photo they could get of him was a mugshot. 368 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:45,685 He was a doof, so don't be sad that he's gone. 369 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,228 I'm not sad. I'm fine. 370 00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,145 Good. 371 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:51,427 You know, I had a long-running bet with Eleanor's father that I would outlive him. 372 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,262 You wanna guess who won that one? Come on, guess! 373 00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,555 Well, we're at his funeral. It's pretty clear... 374 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:56,161 I did! I won, he's dead! 375 00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:57,205 Up top! 376 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:00,157 Whoa. 377 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,687 Is there a bar? 378 00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:02,711 I'm just gonna... 379 00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:07,001 Did my mum slip you her hotel room key? 380 00:16:07,049 --> 00:16:08,915 Yes, yes, she did. 381 00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:14,012 Thanks so much for coming to Gunnar's birthday party! 382 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:18,642 Now, there was a little bit of a mix-up and Tahani also planned a birthday party 383 00:16:18,686 --> 00:16:22,100 over at the restaurant, so why don't we all head over there? 384 00:16:22,148 --> 00:16:23,148 Uh, no need. 385 00:16:23,191 --> 00:16:25,148 This party is far superior. 386 00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:26,809 I'm sure yours is amazing. 387 00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:29,228 Well, I did fine on the décor, but I don't have... 388 00:16:29,739 --> 00:16:32,823 you know... actual unicorns you can ride. 389 00:16:34,577 --> 00:16:37,069 So, you all just stay here and have fun. 390 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:39,288 OK, well, if... if that's what you want. 391 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,535 Let's all get back to the party then! 392 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,075 Hang on there, mis amigos! 393 00:16:43,127 --> 00:16:44,396 - No, no, no, no... - Wooo! 394 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:45,772 - I wanna make a toast! - Michael... oh, boy. 395 00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:49,210 OK, I know what you're thinking, birth is a curse 396 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,466 and existence is a prison 397 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,130 but don't think about that! 398 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:55,216 Don't be sad, you guys. 399 00:16:55,264 --> 00:16:58,257 Focus on something great, like Drakkar Noir 400 00:16:58,309 --> 00:16:59,220 Woo! 401 00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:03,103 Which I'm wearing a lot of tonight! Or the Sharper Image catalogue 402 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,639 what can't those guys ionise? 403 00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,646 By the way, I am feeling amazing! 404 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,193 I'm gonna do some push-ups. 405 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,197 Then we'll go around the room and name our favourite cheese! 406 00:17:13,241 --> 00:17:15,984 OK, that's good with the speeches. That's good, yeah... 407 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,776 Let's all get back to the party. 408 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,031 What was that? 409 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,663 You didn't run any of that by me. - Oh, I know, I know 410 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,118 I'm sorry, babe. Listen... 411 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:25,705 when you guys first took over, I was upset. 412 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,578 But it's all good, now. 413 00:17:27,630 --> 00:17:29,417 I mean, anger is toxic 414 00:17:29,674 --> 00:17:31,336 I'm not about that negativity. 415 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,963 Mi torture es su torture. 416 00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,136 I am so happy you're in charge. 417 00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:37,681 OK. Well... 418 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:38,890 good! 419 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:40,719 Namaste, chica. 420 00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,560 Do you wanna dance? - No. 421 00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:44,469 OK. 422 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:47,274 I'm leaving. 423 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,687 I'm too miserable to stay here for one more second. 424 00:17:49,735 --> 00:17:52,569 Why? There are baby monkeys and dolphins to ride 425 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:54,320 and a game of "Hungry, Hungry, Hippos" 426 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:55,822 with actual hippos. 427 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,491 This party is way better than ours. 428 00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:02,325 Why are you miserabl... oh. 429 00:18:02,498 --> 00:18:03,659 You stay and have fun. 430 00:18:04,166 --> 00:18:05,953 I'm going to go throw myself a pity party 431 00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,835 though I doubt I can even throw one of those properly. 432 00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:15,129 God, I love this stuff. 433 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:17,085 Ah! 434 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,470 Let's keep this party going! 435 00:18:18,681 --> 00:18:20,468 What now, huh? You wanna hit the clubs? 436 00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,132 Oh, oh, oh, Vegas. 437 00:18:22,351 --> 00:18:25,139 No, no, even better, Dubai. 438 00:18:25,688 --> 00:18:27,600 Jeanette, make us a Dubai. 439 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:30,265 Kinda feel like maybe 440 00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:32,310 we should wind down, huh, bud? 441 00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:34,673 No, no, can't do that... can't stop moving, can't stop moving. 442 00:18:34,697 --> 00:18:36,800 If I stop moving, I'll start thinking. And if I start thinking 443 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,908 I'll start thinking about things I don't want to think about, like death. 444 00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,162 Whoops... 445 00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:43,737 I'm thinking about it now. 446 00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,659 Yep. Thinking about death again. 447 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:46,786 Oh! I know! 448 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:49,167 Jeanette and I have been taking, uh, samba lessons, huh? 449 00:18:49,378 --> 00:18:50,914 Let us show you how to do it. Come on. 450 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,956 I think Vicky bought his excuse but we need to snap him out of this. 451 00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:57,296 Which one of these confusing French books will make him normal again? 452 00:18:57,511 --> 00:18:58,752 It's not that easy. 453 00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:01,805 I mean, emotionally, he's all over the map right now. 454 00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:05,763 And I can't believe I'm saying this but I don't think this can be solved with a book. 455 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:08,599 What's the big whoop? I dealt with death and I was fine. 456 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:11,448 Were you? I mean... you never had one moment where you were freaked out 457 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,771 by the permanence of death? 458 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,477 Never one moment like that? 459 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:18,401 Hey, man, you got toothbrush holders? 460 00:19:18,616 --> 00:19:19,902 Uh, sure. Yeah. 461 00:19:20,117 --> 00:19:21,574 Right over here. - What's this? 462 00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,197 Who has four toothbrushes? 463 00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,111 Like, Bill Gates or something? 464 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:26,822 No, that's, like, for a family. 465 00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:30,121 Family? 466 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:33,499 Like a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? 467 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,043 Two slots for the parent toothbrushes 468 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:39,051 and two slots for their... kids? 469 00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:41,012 Yep. 470 00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:45,137 So, the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and... 471 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,930 watch over them, and... 472 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:53,394 they can all talk about their toothbrush feelings 473 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,856 and they can hold their little toothbrush hands 474 00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:57,940 when they're sad. 475 00:19:58,447 --> 00:19:59,312 And... 476 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,065 make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles? 477 00:20:04,078 --> 00:20:05,944 Sure. 478 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:13,835 Uh, you need a Kleenex? 479 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:14,921 Thank you. 480 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,546 Sorry. I'm so embarrassed. 481 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:18,919 A family pack? 482 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:32,937 I don't know if what I'm gonna say is gonna hurt or help, but screw it. 483 00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:34,907 Do you know what's really happening right now? 484 00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,604 You're learning what it's like to be human. 485 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:42,565 All humans are aware of death, so we're all a little bit sad 486 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,278 all the time. 487 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:45,780 That's just the deal. 488 00:20:46,704 --> 00:20:49,117 Sounds like a crappy deal. 489 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,198 Well, yeah, it is. 490 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,668 But we don't get offered any other ones. 491 00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:59,297 And if you try and ignore your sadness, it just ends up leaking out of you anyway. 492 00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:00,842 I've been there. 493 00:21:00,968 --> 00:21:02,379 And everybody's been there. 494 00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,428 So, don't fight it. 495 00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:07,343 And in the words of a very wise "Bed, Bath and Beyond" employee 496 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:08,507 I once knew... 497 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,641 "Go ahead and cry all you want." 498 00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:14,104 "But you're gonna have to pay for that toilet plunger." 499 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,318 Got you something to eat. 500 00:21:20,654 --> 00:21:21,735 I'm not hungry. 501 00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:25,441 I just want to sit and stare at nothing 502 00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:28,152 and silently scream for the rest of time. 503 00:21:28,996 --> 00:21:31,283 I might be way off base here 504 00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:33,661 but you seem kinda bummed. 505 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:36,035 I really thought I could throw a better party 506 00:21:36,086 --> 00:21:38,954 than a magical, all-powerful being. 507 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:42,841 And moreover, what's this say about me? About the life I lived? 508 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:46,552 The way they're torturing me is through event-planning mishaps. 509 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,013 And it works! 510 00:21:48,766 --> 00:21:50,428 Am I really that shallow? 511 00:21:51,644 --> 00:21:52,644 Listen. 512 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:57,230 Back in Jacksonville, I was in charge of a 60-person dance crew. 513 00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,391 Whenever we auditioned a new dancer 514 00:21:59,735 --> 00:22:02,022 we would rate them in five categories 515 00:22:02,363 --> 00:22:03,399 dancing ability 516 00:22:03,572 --> 00:22:04,572 coolness 517 00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:05,740 dopeness 518 00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:06,783 freshness 519 00:22:06,867 --> 00:22:08,278 and smart-brained. 520 00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:11,490 I would give you an eight in every category. 521 00:22:11,539 --> 00:22:13,246 Well, eight isn't bad, I suppose. 522 00:22:13,374 --> 00:22:14,956 Oh, no. Eight is the best. 523 00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:16,957 It was a scale of one to 13 524 00:22:17,002 --> 00:22:18,868 but eight was highest. 525 00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:20,662 The scale went up and then back down 526 00:22:20,714 --> 00:22:21,714 like a tent. 527 00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:22,841 Why? 528 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:24,050 It's not important. 529 00:22:24,218 --> 00:22:26,380 Lately, you've been really down on yourself 530 00:22:26,595 --> 00:22:29,212 but you're the most amazing person I've ever met 531 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,131 uh, besides Michael. 532 00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:32,966 And he was constantly torturing us 533 00:22:33,018 --> 00:22:34,259 so I'd only rank him a ten. 534 00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:35,768 Which is worse than an eight? 535 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,809 That's so unnecessarily confusing. 536 00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,191 The point is 537 00:22:40,609 --> 00:22:44,694 you're cool, dope, fresh, and smart-brained. 538 00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:48,315 Never seen you dance, but I bet you're good 539 00:22:48,868 --> 00:22:50,575 because you're good at everything. 540 00:22:51,579 --> 00:22:52,579 You're awesome. 541 00:22:53,581 --> 00:22:55,072 Be nicer to yourself! 542 00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:56,907 Thank you, Jason. 543 00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:01,791 From one eight to another. 544 00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:07,129 "Excellent progress this week." 545 00:23:07,177 --> 00:23:09,544 "Tahani, devastated by party mishap." 546 00:23:09,680 --> 00:23:13,970 "Eleanor continues to be a selfish monster, creating burden for Chidi." 547 00:23:14,226 --> 00:23:15,558 "Selfish monster?" 548 00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:18,846 I brought you back from the brink of an existential coma, dude! 549 00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:21,167 Selfish monster... - No, no, I have to embellish your misery 550 00:23:21,191 --> 00:23:24,935 on these fake torture reports so that my boss doesn't get suspicious. 551 00:23:24,987 --> 00:23:29,106 But really, I am grateful you pulled me out of my funk. 552 00:23:30,451 --> 00:23:32,909 I mean, is that how you all felt on Earth? 553 00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:34,535 Because that was just awful. 554 00:23:34,580 --> 00:23:35,821 Oh, yeah, it was no fun. 555 00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:39,332 But you had it worse, because you're an immortal being. 556 00:23:39,501 --> 00:23:42,244 Humans learn that they're going to die when they're six. 557 00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:44,208 - Mm. - How old are you? 558 00:23:44,381 --> 00:23:45,792 Hard to explain, really. 559 00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:49,214 On my birth certificate it just says, "always". 560 00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:50,839 Hm. Well... 561 00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:54,639 now that you've become acquainted with Existential Crises 562 00:23:54,683 --> 00:23:58,848 I thought we could read "Death," by philosopher Todd May. 563 00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,645 Sounds like the perfect beach read. 564 00:24:01,148 --> 00:24:02,684 Should we wait for Tahani and Jason? 565 00:24:02,900 --> 00:24:04,266 Where are those goofballs? 566 00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:09,904 So, um, we should probably discuss... 567 00:24:09,949 --> 00:24:12,737 That was awesome! 568 00:24:12,910 --> 00:24:14,196 It was... 569 00:24:14,995 --> 00:24:16,202 surprisingly so. 570 00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:18,363 But we should still discuss... 571 00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:20,452 You want some breakfast? I know how to make cereal. 572 00:24:20,793 --> 00:24:21,954 Sure, but Jason... 573 00:24:22,002 --> 00:24:23,038 OK, be right back!