1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:05,037 My name is Earl. 2 00:00:05,138 --> 00:00:07,698 [Earl Narrating] Recently Randy had become curious about hair dryers... 3 00:00:07,807 --> 00:00:09,775 so we borrowed one from Joy. 4 00:00:09,876 --> 00:00:11,935 I really like the look, Earl, but come on... 5 00:00:12,045 --> 00:00:16,641 - who has 30 minutes every morning to spend on their hair? - 6 00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:21,147 You keep practicing, little buddy. 7 00:00:21,254 --> 00:00:24,223 I gave up the xylophone and always regretted it. 8 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:30,862 Lucky kid. Still got a shot at bein' somebody. 9 00:00:34,167 --> 00:00:37,102 - What's going on, Joy? - It's the grand reopening of Mystery Fun Land. 10 00:00:37,203 --> 00:00:40,400 These "Make-A-Wish" T-shirts will keep us from having to wait in long lines. 11 00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:42,532 - I'm dying. - I'm dying too. 12 00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:46,237 I'm not goin'to the funeral, Earl. Tiny coffins creep me out. 13 00:00:46,346 --> 00:00:51,045 And you still owe me 45 cents from when I used to live here. We need to settle up, pronto. 14 00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:54,143 They're not sick, Randy. Joy's just taking advantage of Make-A-Wish. 15 00:00:54,254 --> 00:00:57,087 Hey, the kid two trailers down got to go to Space Camp... 16 00:00:57,190 --> 00:00:59,090 once his sickle cell finally kicked in. 17 00:00:59,192 --> 00:01:01,160 Why should my kids suffer just 'cause they're healthy? 18 00:01:01,261 --> 00:01:03,195 [Earl Narrating] I couldn't be toojudgmental. 19 00:01:03,296 --> 00:01:06,459 Few years back, I did a bad thing to the Make-A-Wish people myself. 20 00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,626 It was late New Year's Eve, and Randy drove home without me... 21 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:12,296 on account of me accidentally giving him a midnight kiss- 22 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,464 which we still don't talk about. 23 00:01:14,574 --> 00:01:18,408 Walking wasn't working well, but I found another means of transportation. 24 00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:20,479 Whoa, that's a giant dog! 25 00:01:24,384 --> 00:01:26,750 You're goin' the wrong way! 26 00:01:26,853 --> 00:01:28,878 [Whinnies] 27 00:01:28,988 --> 00:01:32,014 Next morning, I felt like I'd been kicked in the head by a horse... 28 00:01:32,125 --> 00:01:34,787 which actually might've happened. 29 00:01:34,894 --> 00:01:37,454 Make-A-Wish child Buddy Zaks lost his wish today... 30 00:01:37,564 --> 00:01:41,762 when the pony he was to ride in the New Year's Day parade was tragically stolen. 31 00:01:41,868 --> 00:01:46,931 So well-wishers tried bravely to salvage little Buddy's dream. 32 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,941 This sucks. 33 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:52,910 This was Buddy's last chance to ride in the parade... 34 00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:58,211 because while not all Make-A-Wish kids are dying, this one is. 35 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:01,344 Now here's Chick Dabney with the weather. 36 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,615 [Earl Narrating] It was almost 10 years since Buddy died... 37 00:02:03,723 --> 00:02:06,157 so there wasn't much I'd be able to do for him. 38 00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:10,559 - But I figured I'd try to do something for his parents. - [Knocking] 39 00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:12,654 This is so cool. 40 00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:16,792 I wonder if getting tattoos hurts trees as much as it does humans. 41 00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,505 Hello, uh, Mrs. Zaks? 42 00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:22,234 - Yes? - A few years ago... 43 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:25,402 I stole your son's Make-A-Wish pony, and I'm here to make it up to him. 44 00:02:25,512 --> 00:02:30,643 I mean, not to him, 'cause he's, you know- an angel. 45 00:02:37,924 --> 00:02:40,017 What's up, bro? You stole my pony? 46 00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:43,687 Buddy? L-I thought you were dead. I saw you on the news. 47 00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:45,696 I know what happened. 48 00:02:45,798 --> 00:02:49,928 He made a wish to still be alive. Why don't they all do that? 49 00:02:51,604 --> 00:02:54,698 [Earl Narrating] After I told him about my list, Buddy invited us in... 50 00:02:54,807 --> 00:02:59,471 and he explained how he had defied all the doctors'expectations about him dying. 51 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:02,742 It may surprise you, but Camden doesn't have the best doctors. 52 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,545 I mean, I've had three watches dropped in my body during surgery... 53 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:07,552 and one of'em's still in there. 54 00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:10,953 - So I take it you're a movie buff? - Hell, yeah. 55 00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:14,686 You spend 95% of your teen years in bed, you're gonna watch some flicks. 56 00:03:14,794 --> 00:03:18,423 - What's your favorite movie? - Oh, without a doubt, 2 The Max. 57 00:03:18,531 --> 00:03:21,193 It's all action with Max Patrick: 58 00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:26,762 C.I.A. Agent, Navy SEAL, gigolo and devoted family man. 59 00:03:26,873 --> 00:03:32,209 Watch as Max stops a terrorist from using a giant robot squid to kill the president! 60 00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:35,372 Me and Randy love squid movies. How'd we miss it? 61 00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:41,486 'Cause we walked out of that thing. 62 00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:45,957 No, no, no, you didn't miss it, because it hasn't been made yet. It's all up here. 63 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:49,722 Uh, and in here. And some of it's over here. 64 00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:53,493 - [Roars] - Stop it! 65 00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,401 - Do it again. - [Roars] 66 00:03:57,503 --> 00:04:00,028 Stop it! Do it again. 67 00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:02,471 - [Shouts] - Wait, wait, wait. Let me lick it. 68 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:05,669 Oh. I like your brother. 69 00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:08,246 He likes you too. 70 00:04:08,348 --> 00:04:12,114 Wait a minute. I like him, he likes me... 71 00:04:12,218 --> 00:04:15,619 we all like squids and you owe me. 72 00:04:15,722 --> 00:04:17,622 You know what we're gonna do? 73 00:04:17,724 --> 00:04:21,751 We're gonna make this movie, and it is gonna be awesome! 74 00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:24,295 - [Roars] - Stop it! 75 00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:26,160 - Do it again. - [Roars] 76 00:04:26,266 --> 00:04:30,430 - H-H-H-Hold on. Y-You're saying we're gonna make a movie? - Yeah, don't worry. 77 00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:32,800 I got plenty of books on how to do it. 78 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,738 And if you wanna cross me off your list, you'll help me, man. 79 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:38,106 - You could be the producer. - Producer? 80 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:40,441 - Yeah. - Look at me, Randy. I'm a producer. 81 00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:43,037 I know. I saw. 82 00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,208 Besides sounding cool, what exactly does that mean? 83 00:04:45,318 --> 00:04:47,445 Oh, being a producer is awesome, man. 84 00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:50,579 I mean, you get to pay for everything and hire everybody... 85 00:04:50,690 --> 00:04:54,888 and you get to make sure that everything happens exactly like it looks up here. 86 00:04:56,396 --> 00:05:01,231 Yeah, yeah, we-we could absolutely make your movie. Or- 87 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:06,467 - [Nickers] - Nah, I want the movie. 88 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:14,439 [Earl Narrating] Buddy wanted each person he cast to fit his artistic vision. 89 00:05:14,547 --> 00:05:18,381 For Max's wife, he wanted someone who was hot but edgy. 90 00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:22,045 Theresa! Get your fat ass out here and bring your noisy little brat inside! 91 00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:27,889 - [Clatters] - And he seems to have misplaced his xylophone! 92 00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:33,156 - What are you lookin' at? - You're perfect. 93 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,029 - I know. - 94 00:05:35,134 --> 00:05:37,932 [Earl Narrating] And who was I tojudge his artistic vision? 95 00:05:38,037 --> 00:05:40,403 96 00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:44,374 Oh, God. Soda water, please. It's setting. It's setting! 97 00:05:44,477 --> 00:05:48,243 Does anyone have a Tide stick? This is my best irregular Tommy Bahama! 98 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:51,784 - There's our panicky scientist. - 99 00:05:51,884 --> 00:05:53,749 [Catalina] That's right, cucaracha. 100 00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:58,222 Drink the poison and bring it back to your filthy home to feed to your babies. 101 00:05:58,324 --> 00:06:00,588 - [Aerosol Spraying] - Ruthless terrorist. 102 00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:04,891 - Nice! - Check out this great suit I found behind the motel. 103 00:06:04,997 --> 00:06:08,865 I had to kick a litter of fresh cat babies off it, but I left 'em my T-shirt. 104 00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:11,960 That's a sweet suit. 105 00:06:12,071 --> 00:06:15,871 - We have our president. - And here's my Secretary of Cute. 106 00:06:15,975 --> 00:06:17,875 [Mews] 107 00:06:17,977 --> 00:06:21,640 [Earl Narrating] Once we had our cast, we started shootin'our movie. 108 00:06:21,748 --> 00:06:26,481 Okay, so, uh, this is the scene where the president first hears about the giant squid. 109 00:06:26,586 --> 00:06:28,486 Everybody know what to do? 110 00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:32,080 All right. Lightning in a bottle, people! 111 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:38,089 And... action! 112 00:06:38,197 --> 00:06:43,760 Mr. President, as per your request, we are unfreezing Benedict Arnold... 113 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:45,770 so you can punch him in the stomach. 114 00:06:45,872 --> 00:06:50,468 While he thaws, the vice president has an announcement. 115 00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:56,036 [Deep Voice] Mr. President, this fax just came in. 116 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:59,641 New York City is under attack by a giant squid. 117 00:06:59,752 --> 00:07:02,983 TheJoint Chief of Staff has declared a state of emergency. 118 00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:07,958 He is requesting permission to go to Death-Con Six. 119 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:14,860 I didn't take this job to let our free land be swallowed by some squid. 120 00:07:14,967 --> 00:07:16,298 - Get me Max Patrick. - [Mouthing Words] 121 00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:19,997 And then you hear a big thud from outside and react. 122 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,006 [Both Screaming] 123 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:23,837 What in the tarnation was that? 124 00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:26,810 And then we cut to a shot of the squid outside. Randy, you say- 125 00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:29,507 - I said get me Max Patrick, now! - And then I enter. 126 00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:35,045 Did somebody say my name? 127 00:07:35,154 --> 00:07:37,554 [Together] Ad-lib excitement! 128 00:07:37,657 --> 00:07:41,388 No. Cut! Cut! 129 00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:45,328 You don't say "Ad-lib excitement," you-you just act excited, like- 130 00:07:46,432 --> 00:07:49,299 We have a major problem here. Earl. 131 00:07:52,004 --> 00:07:54,973 Listen up- Thanks. Thank you. 132 00:07:55,074 --> 00:07:59,841 Um, listen. Other than Randy, who is awesome, um, everybody else stinks. 133 00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:02,506 These other actors- Uh, Patty sounds like a transvestite... 134 00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,413 and-and Joy, she just keeps looking right in the camera. 135 00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:09,181 So you gotta fix this. I'll be in my trailer! 136 00:08:09,288 --> 00:08:12,348 Uh, don't worry. I'll-I'll figure it out. 137 00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:22,765 Look, uh, Buddy isn't happy with some of the performances. 138 00:08:22,869 --> 00:08:24,996 And-And, Joy, you gotta stop looking at the camera. 139 00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:27,698 If I don't look at the camera, how will the audience know I'm talking? 140 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,707 He says Randy's the only one who gets it. 141 00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:34,041 Acting's easy. You just pretend to be different people and then talk like that. 142 00:08:34,146 --> 00:08:37,582 Joy should say, "Mr. President, per your request... 143 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,208 we're unfreezing Benedict Arnold so you can punch him in the stomach." 144 00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:44,016 And then Patty goes, "Mr. President, this fax just arrived. 145 00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:47,388 New York City is under attack by a giant squid." 146 00:08:47,493 --> 00:08:49,859 See? You can do anybody. 147 00:08:49,962 --> 00:08:53,864 Are you talkin' to me? Nobody else is here, so you must be talkin' to me. 148 00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:58,926 E.T. Phone home. 149 00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:03,134 We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on us! 150 00:09:03,242 --> 00:09:06,109 I want a hard-target search of every farmhouse, doghouse... 151 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,203 henhouse, inhouse and outhouse. 152 00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,782 Your fugitive's name is Dr. Richard Kimble. 153 00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:15,047 I'm not an animal. I'm a human being. 154 00:09:15,154 --> 00:09:19,591 It puts the lotion on its skin. It does as it's told. 155 00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:21,717 Put the lotion in the basket! 156 00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:23,419 Choosy moms chooseJiff. 157 00:09:23,529 --> 00:09:26,726 [Earl Narrating] Randy showing off just made people more upset. 158 00:09:26,832 --> 00:09:29,699 And it wasn'tjust the performances that caused problems. 159 00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:33,829 I eat terrorists for lunch with my caviar. I'm Max Patrick. 160 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,101 I am afraid of no one. 161 00:09:36,208 --> 00:09:39,974 It's time for me to declare a "yi-had." 162 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:48,315 Cut! Did we get it? 163 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:51,913 - I need to take a five. - Oh. 164 00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:55,286 [Earl Narrating] Another thing I learned about movies is special effects can be tricky. 165 00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:58,022 So everybody remember the last thing that's gonna happen in the scene... 166 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,257 is that my flame-thrower watch goes off. 167 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,824 Is Safety ready? And... action! 168 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:05,369 Mr. President, this event- 169 00:10:05,471 --> 00:10:07,939 - Whoa! - [Screaming] 170 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,338 The president's on fire! The president's on fire! 171 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,037 Keep filming! Keep filming! 172 00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:15,705 - [Kenny Squeals] - [Man] You all right? 173 00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:19,683 [Earl Narrating] But the hardest part of all was dealing with Buddy's perfectionalism. 174 00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:30,853 Cut! Earl, I need real limousines for the motorcade. 175 00:10:30,963 --> 00:10:36,731 The president needs a kick-ass limo! It has got to be... awesome! 176 00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:38,736 I'll be in my trailer! 177 00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:44,299 Whoa! M-Maybe you didn't see that this is a '98 Civic, and it's got a spoiler. 178 00:10:44,410 --> 00:10:47,277 [Earl Narrating] What with the screaming and people catching on fire and all... 179 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,348 by the end of the week, morale was pretty low. 180 00:10:49,448 --> 00:10:51,643 Okay, so the president and Max's wife... 181 00:10:51,751 --> 00:10:55,084 are trapped by squids on, uh, the roof of the White House. 182 00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:57,280 And it's, like, "Woo," and they're all "Aah!" 183 00:10:57,390 --> 00:11:00,826 And then Max Patrick appears out of nowhere, he saves the president... 184 00:11:00,926 --> 00:11:02,894 and blows up the squid with his laser watch. 185 00:11:02,995 --> 00:11:05,896 Psshh! Boom! It's gonna be awesome. 186 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:09,365 - Any questions? - How's this not gonna look like crap? 187 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,368 Look, guys, you gotta trust me. 188 00:11:11,470 --> 00:11:13,995 It's all gonna be done with special effects and-and camera tricks. 189 00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:18,406 But-But we only got one shot at this while the-the sun is rocking that awesome gold color. 190 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,844 In the business, we call that "the magic hour." 191 00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,541 Yeah, well, my magic hour is when this thing is done... 192 00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,550 and we're all drinkin' at the Crab Shack. 193 00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:29,348 - Huh? Huh? - [All Laughing] 194 00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:31,423 Let's go! 195 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:34,425 [Buddy] All right. Earl, call it. 196 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,620 And... action! 197 00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:40,426 Max, wherever you are, please save us! 198 00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,468 Sorry I was late. D.C. Traffic is a bitch. 199 00:11:43,569 --> 00:11:45,469 [Grunting, Shouting] 200 00:11:45,571 --> 00:11:48,199 The fate of the free world is in your strong, handsome hands. 201 00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:51,401 - Now! Helicopter! - [Shouts] 202 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:55,947 Mr. President, I've gotta get you both out of here. Come with me. 203 00:12:00,019 --> 00:12:03,113 - We have to go! - I'm not going without you! 204 00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,487 Don't you realize what these suction cup bastards will do to you? 205 00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:09,925 Okay, I'll go. But not without a kiss first. 206 00:12:10,029 --> 00:12:11,963 - Can I do it on the hand? - Lips. 207 00:12:12,064 --> 00:12:13,998 Cheek. 208 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,898 [Whimpering] 209 00:12:17,002 --> 00:12:21,496 Let me check my watch and see what time it is. Oh, it's time for fish stew. 210 00:12:21,607 --> 00:12:22,733 Explosion! 211 00:12:28,614 --> 00:12:30,343 [Screaming] 212 00:12:30,449 --> 00:12:31,746 [Thuds] 213 00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:34,149 Awesome take, everybody! [Laughs] 214 00:12:34,253 --> 00:12:37,154 - Let's do a couple more! - Oh, hell, no. I quit. 215 00:12:37,256 --> 00:12:42,319 I only do tongue kisses if it's Brad Pitt or Eric Roberts. 216 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:46,296 And what the heck is that smoke? My eyes hurt and I have an unproductive cough. 217 00:12:46,398 --> 00:12:50,300 Oh, don't worry. I got it from a crop duster. It's even safe for plants. 218 00:12:50,402 --> 00:12:52,836 Oh, God! Now my nose is bleeding! I quit! 219 00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:54,530 Come on, people. Don't quit. 220 00:12:54,640 --> 00:12:58,440 Kenny, I'll get you a Wet-Nap. You people love those. 221 00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,705 Earl, magic hour. 222 00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,709 Sorry, Earl, but I quit too. 223 00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:10,478 So will William, if he ever wakes up again. 224 00:13:17,897 --> 00:13:21,060 [Sighs] 225 00:13:24,670 --> 00:13:27,104 [Earl Narrating] Everybody else quit, but to cross Buddy off the list... 226 00:13:27,206 --> 00:13:29,834 - I still had to produce. - What-What's going on? 227 00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:32,206 Crew call's at 10:00. It's 10:02. 228 00:13:32,311 --> 00:13:35,007 Well, what do you mean, what's goin' on? You were there. Everybody quit. 229 00:13:35,114 --> 00:13:38,845 So what? In Hollywood, people say they quit all the time. Nobody actually does it. 230 00:13:38,951 --> 00:13:42,443 I'm sorry, but this is Camden. People quit everything here. 231 00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,750 That's why the freeway ends in a field. 232 00:13:44,857 --> 00:13:47,417 But look, I can play the president. 233 00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:50,222 And-And I got a blonde wig to play your wife. 234 00:13:50,329 --> 00:13:52,320 We just tape down the button on the camera... 235 00:13:52,431 --> 00:13:57,232 and I can hold the boom mike down low out of frame, or-or hide it on my head under a hat. 236 00:13:57,336 --> 00:14:00,271 - We can do this. - Yeah, but it'll suck donkey. 237 00:14:01,473 --> 00:14:04,931 You know what? It's fine. It's fine. 238 00:14:05,044 --> 00:14:07,535 Things happen in this business. Production gets cut short. 239 00:14:07,646 --> 00:14:11,173 You gotta roll with the punches. And I already got all my dream shots. 240 00:14:11,283 --> 00:14:15,083 Better to make a short, awesome movie than a long, mediocre one. 241 00:14:15,187 --> 00:14:17,587 So is that it? You don't need me anymore? 242 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,988 One more thing. 243 00:14:20,092 --> 00:14:23,528 Give me two weeks to edit the footage, and then throw me a movie premiere. 244 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,063 But e-everybody quit. Who's even gonna show up? 245 00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:28,190 Earl... 246 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:31,736 [Whispering] If you throw it, they will come. 247 00:14:34,039 --> 00:14:36,064 [Whispering] What? 248 00:14:36,175 --> 00:14:39,770 [Whispering] If you throw it, they will come. 249 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:43,471 Have you ever even seen a movie without Burt Reynolds in it? 250 00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:46,915 Not all the way through, no. 251 00:14:47,019 --> 00:14:50,250 [Earl Narrating] Couple weeks later, 2 The Max was set to premiere. 252 00:14:50,356 --> 00:14:54,156 It was the first film shot in Camden since the documentary about the chemical spill... 253 00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:56,160 so we got a good crowd. 254 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:58,526 As if turning down the part of Indiana Jones... 255 00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,964 to play a bank teller on Laverne and Shirley wasn't bad enough... 256 00:15:02,067 --> 00:15:07,130 I also made the mistake of not nailing Penny Marshall when I had the chance. 257 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:10,265 [Chuckles] So what part do you play in this movie? 258 00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:12,901 What movie? 259 00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:16,448 [Earl Narrating] And despite the bad taste everyone had in their mouths from the filming... 260 00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,449 they came out to enjoy the glamour of a Camden movie premiere. 261 00:15:19,551 --> 00:15:23,612 Here come two of the film's stars, Joy and Darnell "The Crabman" Turner. 262 00:15:23,722 --> 00:15:26,088 So, Joy, tell the viewers whose clothes you're wearing. 263 00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:28,352 What are you talking about? These are mine, bitch. 264 00:15:28,460 --> 00:15:32,157 - I meant which designer. - Oh. I got it at Rite-Aid. 265 00:15:32,264 --> 00:15:35,256 Supposed to be worn the other way, but seriously, what would you rather see- 266 00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,267 shoulder blades or cleavage? 267 00:15:37,369 --> 00:15:39,599 Sometimes I think clothing designers are gay men. 268 00:15:39,705 --> 00:15:43,573 [Crowd Applauding, Whistling] 269 00:15:43,676 --> 00:15:48,443 I did all my own stunts. I even caught on fire. That wasn't in the script. 270 00:15:48,547 --> 00:15:51,072 Turns out I've been doin' my own stunts my whole life. 271 00:15:51,183 --> 00:15:53,515 I've just been calling 'em accidents until now. 272 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:56,144 In my younger days, I did some commercial acting. 273 00:15:56,255 --> 00:16:00,487 See if this rings a bell- "Pretty sneaky, Sis." [Chuckles] 274 00:16:00,592 --> 00:16:03,220 I didn't say that, but I was the sneaky sis. 275 00:16:03,329 --> 00:16:04,330 [Earl Narrating] I finally got everybody seated, then realized not everybody was seated. 276 00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:07,527 [Earl Narrating] I finally got everybody seated, then realized not everybody was seated. 277 00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,533 The man of the hour still hadn't shown up. 278 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,536 Hey, Mrs. Zaks, where's Buddy? 279 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:16,631 The projectionist has to get the equipment back tonight before the janitor locks up the school. 280 00:16:16,742 --> 00:16:18,733 Earl, Buddy's not coming tonight. 281 00:16:18,844 --> 00:16:22,302 [Earl Narrating] Buddy's mom had some really bad news. 282 00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:25,178 There was a reason Buddy kept storming off to his trailer all the time. 283 00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:27,775 He wasn'tjust a bitchy little Hollywood wannabe. 284 00:16:27,886 --> 00:16:30,980 He was a bitchy little Hollywood wannabe who needed hourly treatments. 285 00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:33,888 I put a Fonzie sticker on the I.V. Bag today. 286 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:37,861 I thought it would make it more fun. Heyyy! 287 00:16:37,963 --> 00:16:40,523 [Earl Narrating] Turns out, the doctors were right about Buddy's health. 288 00:16:40,632 --> 00:16:43,430 They werejust about 10 years off on the expiration date. 289 00:16:43,535 --> 00:16:45,435 I can't believe he's gone. 290 00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:49,200 His one dream was to make a movie, and he didn't even get to see the premiere. 291 00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:52,471 Earl, making the movie wasn't his only dream. 292 00:16:52,578 --> 00:16:56,344 Buddy had tons of crazy dreams, and you helped him with all of them. 293 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:01,675 You'll understand when you see this. 294 00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:04,779 [Earl Narrating] I decided not to tell anyone about what happened to Buddy... 295 00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:06,790 until after the premiere. 296 00:17:06,892 --> 00:17:09,520 I kinda figured he wouldn't want people feeling sorry for him. 297 00:17:09,628 --> 00:17:12,062 He'd rather theyjust enjoy the movie. 298 00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:17,630 299 00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,807 [Train Horn Blows] 300 00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:26,105 [Horns Honking] 301 00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:31,148 - [Growling] - [People Screaming] 302 00:17:39,091 --> 00:17:43,255 I didn't take this job to let our free land be swallowed by some squid. 303 00:17:43,362 --> 00:17:45,330 Get me Max Patrick. 304 00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,422 - [Thud] - [Both Screaming] 305 00:17:47,533 --> 00:17:50,127 What in the tarnation was that? 306 00:17:50,235 --> 00:17:52,135 [Growling] 307 00:17:52,237 --> 00:17:54,296 I said get me Max Patrick, now! 308 00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:57,432 Did somebody say my name? 309 00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:01,343 [Earl Narrating] And everyone did enjoy it, including me and his mom. 310 00:18:01,447 --> 00:18:05,213 Watching Buddy's film, I realized what his mom was talking about. 311 00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:08,844 Making that movie let him live out every crazy dream a boy could have. 312 00:18:08,954 --> 00:18:12,048 He got to meet a president. 313 00:18:12,157 --> 00:18:15,354 He got to be a spy in the C.I.A. 314 00:18:15,461 --> 00:18:17,361 He got to save someone's life. 315 00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:20,762 [Screaming] The president's on fire! 316 00:18:20,866 --> 00:18:22,834 And thanks to special effects... 317 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:28,271 Buddy finally got to ride a horse in the 1999 New Year's Day parade. 318 00:18:28,373 --> 00:18:32,810 And the best part was, Buddy somehow pulled off his magic-hour shot. 319 00:18:36,215 --> 00:18:41,050 Sorry I'm late. D.C. Traffic is a bitch. 320 00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:43,587 [Grunting, Shouting] 321 00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,953 Stand back, honey! [Shouting] 322 00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:49,858 [Randy] The fate of the free world is in your strong, handsome hands. 323 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:53,625 Here comes the chopper. Mr. President, I've gotta get you both out ofhere. 324 00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:59,500 Let mejust check my watch and see what time it is. Oh! It's time for fish stew. 325 00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,406 [Screeches] 326 00:19:08,013 --> 00:19:11,210 Lasers are awesome. But not as awesome as your lips, baby. 327 00:19:11,316 --> 00:19:13,682 Why not put 'em to the Max. 328 00:19:17,623 --> 00:19:19,818 Rocket shoes, engage. 329 00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:24,254 Hey, baby, you ever been to Paris? 330 00:19:24,363 --> 00:19:26,354 [Earl Narrating] Buddy knew his own sun was setting. 331 00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:28,899 It's why he was so particular about the movie. 332 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:32,300 And even though we didn't finish, he got all his dream shots. 333 00:19:32,538 --> 00:19:36,702 And everybody in the audience could see he'd really made something special. 334 00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:41,438 side of the moon 335 00:19:41,547 --> 00:19:45,108 [Earl Narrating] After that, you couldn't help but think of your life as a movie... 336 00:19:45,217 --> 00:19:47,208 knowing eventually your own sun was gonna set... 337 00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:49,810 making every hour into a magic hour. 338 00:19:49,922 --> 00:19:53,983 Buddy made us all realize we shouldn't waste our shots screwing around. 339 00:19:54,092 --> 00:19:57,858 We should do the things we always wanted to do while we had the chance. 340 00:19:57,963 --> 00:20:00,625 Darnell tried his hand at creating great art. 341 00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:04,566 Catalina used one ofher shifts at Club Chubby to try something she always dreamed of doing. 342 00:20:04,670 --> 00:20:06,570 Instead of stripping, I will be doing improv. 343 00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:09,368 - I need a location and a kind of food. - 344 00:20:09,474 --> 00:20:12,068 [Earl Narrating] Joy started her own clothing line. 345 00:20:12,177 --> 00:20:15,374 - [Joy] I did it! I did it! - Wow, you made that shirt? 346 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:21,385 No, I stole the shirt. I designed a way to make the security tag look like jewelry. 347 00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:24,455 [Earl Narrating] And Randy decided to explore things he was curious about. 348 00:20:29,328 --> 00:20:33,094 - And I took up the xylophone again. - 349 00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:36,793 I wasn't very good, but that didn't mean I wasn't gonna give it my best... 350 00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:39,769 and try to make it... awesome. 351 00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,514 My name is Earl. 352 00:20:52,651 --> 00:20:55,279 [Earl Narrating] When Dad called to say that we needed to come by... 353 00:20:55,387 --> 00:20:59,016 and pick up all our old stuff, I didn't realize we were gonna have to buy it back. 354 00:21:03,161 --> 00:21:07,689 Your father said you could have everything for $64.73. 355 00:21:07,799 --> 00:21:09,824 I tried to talk him down, but he seemed pretty firm. 356 00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:14,763 Hey, look, it's Milo. Remember him? 357 00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:18,036 Mom and Dad got him for me 'cause he always tells the truth. 358 00:21:18,143 --> 00:21:22,443 [High-pitched Voice] Hi, Earl. Remember that time you got real drunk and pooped in bed? 359 00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:25,038 [Normal Voice] That is true. Embarrassing but true. 360 00:21:25,150 --> 00:21:27,311 Yeah, I never really liked Milo. 361 00:21:27,419 --> 00:21:30,786 [Gasps] Darnell, check it out. It's one of them I.Q. Machines. 362 00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:34,450 Try to get the ball in the farthest hole, and if you do, you're a genius. 363 00:21:34,559 --> 00:21:36,754 Used to play this at the mall when we would skip school. 364 00:21:36,862 --> 00:21:38,853 I was the only one who could get "genius" every time. 365 00:21:38,964 --> 00:21:40,864 They called me "the ball genius." 366 00:21:40,966 --> 00:21:45,369 In the seventh grade, that name took on a new meaning, but this is where it all started. 367 00:21:45,470 --> 00:21:48,564 - Hey, how much for this? - Three dollars and 25 cents. 368 00:21:48,674 --> 00:21:50,904 What? Might I remind you... 369 00:21:51,009 --> 00:21:54,206 that I am the mother of what you thought for a brief second was your grandson? 370 00:21:54,313 --> 00:21:57,214 Four dollars. 371 00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:04,854 - What are you doing? - I'm not stealing it. 372 00:22:04,956 --> 00:22:07,481 Just gonna hold onto it so nobody buys this thing. 373 00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:10,561 Couple hours, they'll be begging us to take it off their hands. 374 00:22:10,662 --> 00:22:13,460 Ball genius. 375 00:22:13,565 --> 00:22:16,056 See, this is why I don't go to yard sales with you. 376 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:20,935 Hey, Earl, I'm trying to decide between buying the lawn darts or our old baby teeth. 377 00:22:21,039 --> 00:22:24,702 The lawn darts are more fun, but our baby teeth are more practical. 378 00:22:24,810 --> 00:22:27,540 [Earl Narrating] Seeing those lawn darts was karma's way of telling me... 379 00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:29,739 it was time to do number 87 on my list- 380 00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:32,078 chased away Mom and Dad's friends. 381 00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:34,084 Back in the '80s... 382 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,950 our next-door neighbors, Cathy and Clark Clark, were my parents'best friends. 383 00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:40,115 Hey, have you guys seen this new "We Are the World"short film... 384 00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:42,125 on that Music Television Video channel? 385 00:22:42,227 --> 00:22:44,422 Shh! 386 00:22:49,434 --> 00:22:51,959 I think spiders heat up faster than ants. 387 00:22:52,070 --> 00:22:55,403 I'm good at this, Randy. Maybe I will be a scientist. 388 00:22:55,507 --> 00:22:58,806 That'd be awesome, Earl. [High-pitched Voice] Randy forgot to wipe earlier. 389 00:22:58,910 --> 00:23:01,310 I mean, all those poor starving children. 390 00:23:01,413 --> 00:23:05,110 And-And all those musicians, with their different musical styles- 391 00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,311 Bob Dylan, Dan Aykroyd- and they're all coming together... 392 00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:11,753 and they're all harmonizing for- for humanity. 393 00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:14,553 I just- [Sobbing] 394 00:23:14,659 --> 00:23:17,958 - What a tool. - [Doorbell Rings] 395 00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:21,055 [Earl Narrating] Seeing a grown man shed actual tears was hilarious. 396 00:23:21,166 --> 00:23:23,157 And once we saw it, we had to see more. 397 00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:31,008 go when the sun goes down 398 00:23:31,109 --> 00:23:35,569 - - Poor birdies. [Sobbing] 399 00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:37,580 Dead birds were so much fun... 400 00:23:37,682 --> 00:23:41,243 we took it up a notch and found a place at the mall that made fake newspapers. 401 00:23:41,353 --> 00:23:44,186 402 00:23:44,289 --> 00:23:47,281 Why are babies killing themselves? 403 00:23:47,392 --> 00:23:49,690 [Both Laughing] 404 00:23:49,795 --> 00:23:52,263 But eventually we pushed him too far. 405 00:23:52,364 --> 00:23:54,127 406 00:23:54,232 --> 00:23:56,496 I get a lie, lie, lie 407 00:23:56,601 --> 00:24:00,196 [Earl Narrating] Later that afternoon, Clark realized hejust couldn't take it anymore. 408 00:24:00,305 --> 00:24:02,671 409 00:24:07,212 --> 00:24:10,181 All I know is, is he was real upset about something. 410 00:24:10,282 --> 00:24:13,217 He was so emotional, I couldn't understand what he was talking about. 411 00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:15,218 It just doesn't make any sense. 412 00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,788 People don'tjust move in one day. 413 00:24:17,889 --> 00:24:19,880 Something's going on here. 414 00:24:19,991 --> 00:24:22,983 Earl and Randy tortured Mr. Clark and made him cry. 415 00:24:25,430 --> 00:24:28,866 Come on, Randy. We need to go find the Clarks. 416 00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:33,961 Randy touches himself sometimes. [Normal Voice] Shh. Easy, buddy. 417 00:24:35,941 --> 00:24:37,841 Hey, hey, hey, hey. You don't want that. 418 00:24:37,943 --> 00:24:40,503 It's all jacked up, and it ain't got no marble on it. 419 00:24:40,612 --> 00:24:42,580 Not a problem. 420 00:24:47,986 --> 00:24:50,352 That's a straight-up street baller move right there, Willie. 421 00:24:50,455 --> 00:24:52,855 You're like the Karl Malone of mailmen. 422 00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:56,392 How much, Carl? 423 00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,396 - Three dollars and 25 cents. - Uh-uh, no. That's mine. 424 00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:02,831 I had my eye on it way before you had your eye on it. 425 00:25:02,934 --> 00:25:04,834 - I'll go four. - Four and a quarter. 426 00:25:04,936 --> 00:25:06,767 - $4.68. - Five! 427 00:25:06,872 --> 00:25:09,170 - Darnell, how much money you got on you? - Forty-five. 428 00:25:09,274 --> 00:25:12,835 But we gotta stop and get Dodge's asthma medicine, so more like- 429 00:25:12,944 --> 00:25:15,674 - Forty-five! - Sold. 430 00:25:15,780 --> 00:25:17,873 Oh, hell to the no. 431 00:25:17,983 --> 00:25:19,883 This was on there when we were bidding on it. 432 00:25:19,985 --> 00:25:23,853 You wanted your fake peeper back, you shouldn't have driven up the price so high. 433 00:25:25,490 --> 00:25:29,085 - Every day's a new adventure. - [Sighs] 434 00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:31,989 [Earl Narrating] Wasn't that hard to find Mr. Clark. 435 00:25:32,097 --> 00:25:37,228 He was the only Clark Clark in the phone book, and they only moved one town over. 436 00:25:37,335 --> 00:25:41,738 Guys, I appreciate what you're doing, but you weren't the reason we moved. 437 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:45,742 - We weren't? - No. We moved because, uh, well- 438 00:25:45,844 --> 00:25:48,438 I really- I can't say why we moved. 439 00:25:48,547 --> 00:25:52,108 But- But you know what? 440 00:25:52,217 --> 00:25:58,053 I have lived with this for too long, and maybe it's time that I got it off my chest. 441 00:25:58,156 --> 00:26:01,557 We moved because your mother and I had an affair. 442 00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,992 Mom! 443 00:26:10,101 --> 00:26:12,729 Hey, boys. You want some cookies? I got hot snickerdoodles. 444 00:26:12,837 --> 00:26:14,930 You know what I want more than cookies, Mom? 445 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,806 I want to know why you had sex with Mr. Clark. 446 00:26:18,910 --> 00:26:21,674 I'd prefer the snickerdoodles. 447 00:26:21,780 --> 00:26:24,681 - Who told you about me and Clark Clark? - Clark Clark. 448 00:26:24,783 --> 00:26:28,116 Clark Clark. Damn you, Clark Clark. 449 00:26:28,219 --> 00:26:30,119 [Earl Narrating] Apparently Dad was always working... 450 00:26:30,221 --> 00:26:32,815 and Clark's wife was always at self-defense class. 451 00:26:32,924 --> 00:26:35,654 So they kept each other company, butjust as friends... 452 00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,228 until the AandPhad a sale on wine coolers. 453 00:26:38,330 --> 00:26:40,457 - [Slurred] Do you have any queens? - 454 00:26:40,565 --> 00:26:43,625 - [Slurred] You are the only queen that I can see. - 455 00:26:43,735 --> 00:26:45,327 - Ohh. - 456 00:26:45,437 --> 00:26:48,429 - Go fish. - 457 00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:51,202 - Do you have any twos? - 458 00:26:51,309 --> 00:26:54,710 I've got two lonely lips and two supple breasts. 459 00:26:54,813 --> 00:26:57,179 Why don't you come on over here and fish around for 'em? 460 00:26:57,282 --> 00:27:01,776 461 00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:09,519 [Earl Narrating] The next day, Mom was ashamed ofherself and broke things off. 462 00:27:09,628 --> 00:27:13,223 Kay, no. Please. You are the most generous lover I have ever known. 463 00:27:13,331 --> 00:27:14,992 - Oh. - Cathy just rolls over... 464 00:27:15,100 --> 00:27:17,159 and goes to sleep after she gets her tinglies. 465 00:27:17,268 --> 00:27:21,898 What we did was wrong, Clark. It was a-a moment of weakness. It was a mistake. 466 00:27:22,007 --> 00:27:24,498 Your husband is the one making the mistake. 467 00:27:24,609 --> 00:27:26,509 He doesn't take care of you like I would. 468 00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:30,513 Look! He doesn't even have your storm windows up yet! 469 00:27:30,615 --> 00:27:34,517 - [Door Opens, Closes] - Your father's home. 470 00:27:36,621 --> 00:27:40,182 Anyone want to tell me why the Clarks are moving? 471 00:27:40,291 --> 00:27:44,489 I tried to talk to him, but all he'd do is tell me I need to put up storm windows. 472 00:27:44,596 --> 00:27:46,496 Is there a hurricane coming? 473 00:27:46,598 --> 00:27:49,499 Uh, all I know is he was real upset about something. 474 00:27:49,601 --> 00:27:53,196 L- He was so emotional, I couldn't understand what he was saying. 475 00:27:53,304 --> 00:27:57,434 Don't make any sense. People don't just move in one day. 476 00:27:57,542 --> 00:28:00,340 - You need to tell Dad. - Your father is no angel, you know. 477 00:28:00,445 --> 00:28:02,913 I once found a Hooters receipt in his jean jacket pocket. 478 00:28:03,014 --> 00:28:06,575 Look, no one knows what it's like to be cheated on more than I do. 479 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:10,280 - Dad deserves to know. - Dad deserves to know what? 480 00:28:10,388 --> 00:28:14,722 Oh, Carl. Wait until you hear this. Apparently your wife- 481 00:28:14,826 --> 00:28:17,795 The hell is going on? What was the puppet talking about? 482 00:28:17,896 --> 00:28:19,796 Mom? 483 00:28:21,299 --> 00:28:26,430 Carl, do you remember 1985? 484 00:28:26,538 --> 00:28:32,443 My wife's a whore! All neighbors are welcome! Line forms at the garage! 485 00:28:32,544 --> 00:28:36,378 [Earl Narrating] When you're little and your parents split up, they decide who gets you. 486 00:28:36,481 --> 00:28:41,748 When you're adults and they split up, you decide who gets them. I got Dad. 487 00:28:41,853 --> 00:28:45,016 Women. You're with 'em for 40 years. 488 00:28:45,123 --> 00:28:47,751 You learn the special way to fold the towels. 489 00:28:47,859 --> 00:28:50,919 You go see Neil Sedaka at the civic center. 490 00:28:51,029 --> 00:28:54,556 You even put up one of those piece-of-crap Thomas Kinkade paintings in the bedroom. 491 00:28:54,666 --> 00:28:58,124 - And for what? - I hear ya. You steal for 'em, fight for 'em... 492 00:28:58,236 --> 00:29:02,002 they still hand you a different colored baby from a different colored father. 493 00:29:02,107 --> 00:29:04,302 - Bitches. - Bitches! 494 00:29:04,409 --> 00:29:06,604 And Clark Clark. Who the hell does he think he is? 495 00:29:06,711 --> 00:29:08,975 Sticking it to my mother. Your wife. 496 00:29:09,080 --> 00:29:11,014 He's lucky you don't kick his ass. 497 00:29:11,116 --> 00:29:15,177 Oh, he's lucky all right. But his luck just ran out. 498 00:29:16,955 --> 00:29:20,982 I'm gonna make him wish he went across the street and banged Mrs. Henderson. 499 00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:23,424 - Let's do this! - [Door Opens] 500 00:29:23,528 --> 00:29:27,328 I know this isn't a time to brag, but I did bang Mrs. Henderson. 501 00:29:27,565 --> 00:29:30,295 [Tires Squealing] 502 00:29:32,537 --> 00:29:34,437 Why'd you stop? 503 00:29:34,539 --> 00:29:36,336 Keep doing what you were doing in the car. 504 00:29:36,441 --> 00:29:41,344 Sorry. It's the thrill of the fight 505 00:29:41,446 --> 00:29:45,712 of our rival 506 00:29:45,817 --> 00:29:47,876 507 00:29:47,986 --> 00:29:50,955 - - [Door Opens] 508 00:29:51,055 --> 00:29:54,855 - Carl! - Hi, Cathy. Is Clark here? 509 00:29:54,959 --> 00:29:58,451 Yeah, he's doing a puzzle in the sunroom. How are you? 510 00:29:58,563 --> 00:30:01,726 - Great. Can you just get Clark, please? - Sure. 511 00:30:01,833 --> 00:30:06,998 - [Fingers Snap] - 512 00:30:07,105 --> 00:30:11,064 Took my chances 513 00:30:11,176 --> 00:30:14,612 Now I'm back on my- 514 00:30:18,349 --> 00:30:20,909 Carl, listen, I'm- Ooh! 515 00:30:21,019 --> 00:30:25,251 [Laughs] Ooh! 516 00:30:25,356 --> 00:30:28,348 What the hell is wrong with you? He's half your size! 517 00:30:28,459 --> 00:30:31,326 Ooh! Ooh! 518 00:30:34,365 --> 00:30:38,324 It's the thrill of the fight 519 00:30:38,436 --> 00:30:43,169 520 00:30:43,274 --> 00:30:47,040 [Man Singing] stalks his prey in the night 521 00:30:47,145 --> 00:30:52,276 - - You! 522 00:30:52,383 --> 00:30:55,352 523 00:31:03,428 --> 00:31:07,626 - [Screams] - 524 00:31:07,732 --> 00:31:09,700 - Ohh! - [Body Thuds] 525 00:31:09,801 --> 00:31:12,463 [Dog Barks In Distance] 526 00:31:18,176 --> 00:31:22,943 My nose stopped bleeding, but I think ruined my sock. 527 00:31:23,047 --> 00:31:25,777 At least you got to punch Clark Clark. 528 00:31:25,884 --> 00:31:27,977 You got your revenge. 529 00:31:28,086 --> 00:31:32,489 Man, I'm jealous. That's gotta feel pretty good, huh? 530 00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:36,219 Actually, no. I don't feel any different at all. 531 00:31:36,327 --> 00:31:40,388 And you know why? 'Cause I'm not really mad at Clark Clark. 532 00:31:40,498 --> 00:31:43,831 I'm mad at your mother. That's who I should be getting revenge on. 533 00:31:43,935 --> 00:31:48,463 Dad, don't-don't fight Mom. You already got your ass kicked by one woman today. 534 00:31:48,573 --> 00:31:51,007 I'm not fighting your mother. 535 00:31:51,109 --> 00:31:55,307 I want to feel better, I need real revenge. An eye for an eye. 536 00:31:55,413 --> 00:31:57,472 I need to get laid. 537 00:32:05,056 --> 00:32:09,652 Damn it. Swear to God, I used to be able to do this drunk when I was a kid. 538 00:32:09,761 --> 00:32:13,356 Stop eyeballing me, Willie. If you want this back, fork over the cash. 539 00:32:15,266 --> 00:32:17,826 Last night, she took a shower and she left it on the sink. 540 00:32:17,936 --> 00:32:21,963 I tried to grab it for you, but it was staring at me and I got a little freaked out. 541 00:32:22,073 --> 00:32:26,203 If she puts it down again, it's looking the other way, I'll give it another shot. 542 00:32:26,311 --> 00:32:30,042 I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. 543 00:32:30,148 --> 00:32:33,083 He was never home. And when he was... 544 00:32:33,184 --> 00:32:37,314 well, let-let's just say that your father does not know his way around a woman's body. 545 00:32:37,422 --> 00:32:40,220 He's got two moves: Squeeze the Charmin... 546 00:32:40,325 --> 00:32:43,226 and poke around down there like he's trying to pop a balloon. 547 00:32:43,328 --> 00:32:46,820 Yeah, that guy sure is terrible at touching moms. 548 00:32:46,931 --> 00:32:50,458 Hey, I know what might make us feel better. Not talking about this stuff. 549 00:32:50,568 --> 00:32:53,901 I mean, what do I have to do, draw him a map of my vagina? 550 00:32:54,005 --> 00:32:57,338 - Oops. I'll go get us more drinks. - Okay. 551 00:32:57,442 --> 00:32:59,842 I'm gonna tinkle. 552 00:33:05,717 --> 00:33:08,777 Randy, you look stressed. What's the matter, punkin'? 553 00:33:08,886 --> 00:33:11,616 There words on the menu you're stuck on? 554 00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:15,721 If I tell you, you promise not to say anything? 555 00:33:17,495 --> 00:33:20,225 Well, well, well. 556 00:33:20,331 --> 00:33:22,993 Fee-fi-fum-fo... 557 00:33:23,101 --> 00:33:25,934 I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho. 558 00:33:26,037 --> 00:33:29,370 - Oh, God. - Who's the cheating piece-of-trash strumpet... 559 00:33:29,474 --> 00:33:31,999 who doesn't deserve to have the same last name as you now? 560 00:33:32,110 --> 00:33:34,738 That's right. I read your Christmas letters. 561 00:33:34,846 --> 00:33:38,338 - Leave me alone! - I'm just sayin' we might've gotten along... 562 00:33:38,449 --> 00:33:40,747 if we'd have known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men. 563 00:33:40,852 --> 00:33:44,015 - I am nothing like you! - Ow! 564 00:33:44,122 --> 00:33:46,682 Damn it! You got me with your heel. 565 00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,594 Maybe I had one moment of weakness. 566 00:33:51,696 --> 00:33:54,859 But you-You made cheating a lifestyle. 567 00:33:54,966 --> 00:33:58,527 I love my husband! He does the best he can. 568 00:34:10,281 --> 00:34:13,842 Great. Darnell, get me a rag! 569 00:34:13,951 --> 00:34:17,409 Somebody kicked me in the face in the bathroom again! 570 00:34:17,522 --> 00:34:20,491 - [Chattering] - [Chuckles] There she is. 571 00:34:20,591 --> 00:34:25,893 If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options, she is mistaken. 572 00:34:25,997 --> 00:34:29,728 Once again, Dad, l-I gotta say, I'm a little conflicted about this. 573 00:34:29,834 --> 00:34:31,802 Next. 574 00:34:33,271 --> 00:34:36,468 - Hello, Brenda. - Carl. I like your shirt. 575 00:34:36,574 --> 00:34:40,943 Well, according to you on numerous occasions, this color brings out the blue in my eyes. 576 00:34:41,045 --> 00:34:43,275 - Makes 'em sparkle. - [Both Chuckling] 577 00:34:43,381 --> 00:34:45,281 What can I do for you today? 578 00:34:45,383 --> 00:34:49,285 Today. Today, I'd like to open a separate account. 579 00:34:49,387 --> 00:34:51,947 One that would be separate from my wife. 580 00:34:52,056 --> 00:34:56,823 Perhaps one that I could use to pay for dinner for two at Casa de Maison... 581 00:34:56,928 --> 00:35:00,159 with somebody that likes blue eyes. 582 00:35:00,264 --> 00:35:03,165 - Next. - Oh, you-you can go. 583 00:35:03,267 --> 00:35:05,667 I'm just watching my dad try to get laid. 584 00:35:05,770 --> 00:35:09,968 Look, uh, I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message... 585 00:35:10,074 --> 00:35:12,440 but I was just trying to be nice. 586 00:35:12,543 --> 00:35:14,170 It's just customer service. 587 00:35:14,278 --> 00:35:18,647 With a face like that, who needs hair? [Chuckling] 588 00:35:21,452 --> 00:35:26,583 So, just to be clear, uh, you're, uh... 589 00:35:26,691 --> 00:35:30,855 not interested in having sexual relations with me? 590 00:35:30,962 --> 00:35:33,021 No. 591 00:35:36,501 --> 00:35:39,868 I'd like to close my account, please. 592 00:35:39,971 --> 00:35:41,871 [Earl Narrating] Our first stop was a disaster. 593 00:35:41,973 --> 00:35:45,807 But Dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him. 594 00:35:45,910 --> 00:35:48,970 - Next. - Hello, Diana. 595 00:35:49,080 --> 00:35:50,843 - There's my Carl. - [Chuckles] 596 00:35:50,948 --> 00:35:55,248 I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. 597 00:35:55,353 --> 00:35:59,084 And when I say her, I might just be talking about you. 598 00:35:59,190 --> 00:36:02,250 Ohh! 599 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:05,386 It's gonna go again. Take off my other sock. 600 00:36:05,496 --> 00:36:08,363 [Earl Narrating] Dad said there was one other woman in town who flirted with him- 601 00:36:08,466 --> 00:36:10,366 the waitress at the diner. 602 00:36:10,468 --> 00:36:12,402 So we headed over to give him one more chance. 603 00:36:12,503 --> 00:36:14,403 You stay here. 604 00:36:14,505 --> 00:36:17,702 I think those other women would've been game if I hadn't had my son with me. 605 00:36:17,808 --> 00:36:21,403 - I think you creeped 'em out a little. - [Sighs] 606 00:36:21,512 --> 00:36:25,346 [Earl Narrating] I wanted Dad to feel better, but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. 607 00:36:25,449 --> 00:36:27,713 I was also hoping he didn't get hit again... 608 00:36:27,818 --> 00:36:31,549 'cause he was out of socks, and I'd been wearing mine for a week. 609 00:36:34,458 --> 00:36:36,619 [Chuckles] 610 00:36:36,727 --> 00:36:38,627 She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. 611 00:36:38,729 --> 00:36:41,721 I told you this was a slam dunk. I'm running across the street for condoms. 612 00:36:41,832 --> 00:36:45,734 D-D-Da-Dad! Dad, wait. We-We really should talk about this. 613 00:36:45,836 --> 00:36:48,999 L-I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening. 614 00:36:53,444 --> 00:36:56,777 - Patty? - Hey, Earl. 615 00:36:56,881 --> 00:36:58,781 When did you start workin' here? 616 00:36:58,883 --> 00:37:01,579 A couple of months ago. I had to pick up a second job. 617 00:37:01,686 --> 00:37:04,780 My hooking took a bit of hit when Bush monkeyed with the Daylight Saving schedule. 618 00:37:06,724 --> 00:37:09,557 I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady... 619 00:37:09,660 --> 00:37:12,629 who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes. 620 00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:15,494 I thought you needed the largest kind we had. 621 00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,659 Just ring it up, pecker-tease. 622 00:37:17,768 --> 00:37:22,228 Listen, I just don't know that sex with a hooker is what my dad's lookin' for. 623 00:37:22,340 --> 00:37:25,070 Not-Not that you're not great. I've heard wonderful things. 624 00:37:25,176 --> 00:37:28,509 Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. 625 00:37:28,613 --> 00:37:32,140 It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores. 626 00:37:32,250 --> 00:37:35,617 Hello. I see you met my son. 627 00:37:35,720 --> 00:37:38,280 I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. 628 00:37:38,389 --> 00:37:40,289 And a little something for you. 629 00:37:40,391 --> 00:37:43,019 Thank you. 630 00:37:43,127 --> 00:37:47,461 Oh, they have nuts in them. Oh, that's sweet, but some of my clients have allergies... 631 00:37:47,565 --> 00:37:51,057 so I need to keep this a peanut-free zone. 632 00:37:53,537 --> 00:37:55,937 Dad, Patty's a hooker. 633 00:37:56,040 --> 00:38:01,342 No, no, no, no, she's not. She's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me. 634 00:38:01,445 --> 00:38:02,969 Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress. 635 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,140 Damn it! This was not how this was supposed to work. 636 00:38:06,250 --> 00:38:09,310 It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it! 637 00:38:09,420 --> 00:38:12,719 If you change your mind, sometimes I have coupons in the PennySaver. 638 00:38:12,823 --> 00:38:15,849 - It says "massage," but- - I'm not changing my mind! 639 00:38:17,328 --> 00:38:20,855 All right, so the chicks didn't work out. Forget the chicks. 640 00:38:20,965 --> 00:38:24,059 I say we go back to Clark Clark's, but this time we bring a bat. 641 00:38:24,168 --> 00:38:26,102 We do it when his wife's at work. 642 00:38:26,203 --> 00:38:28,535 [Sobs] Why'd she do this to me? 643 00:38:28,639 --> 00:38:32,200 Why'd she make me feel this way? [Sobbing] 644 00:38:32,310 --> 00:38:35,746 [Earl Narrating] There were two things I could've sworn I'd never see with my own eyes: 645 00:38:35,846 --> 00:38:39,839 A real bear carrying a picnic basket and my dad crying. 646 00:38:39,950 --> 00:38:45,217 - [Body Thudding] - I was taught from a young age that Hickey men don't cry. 647 00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:48,656 Don't cry, or I'll give you something to cry about. 648 00:38:48,759 --> 00:38:50,659 And no matter what happened... 649 00:38:50,761 --> 00:38:54,390 he always made sure I never saw him shed a tear. 650 00:38:54,498 --> 00:38:57,899 - [Sawing] - Ooh, damn it! 651 00:38:58,002 --> 00:39:02,166 Earl, go get me my reading glasses. I have to look for my fingertip. 652 00:39:02,273 --> 00:39:06,471 Whatever life dished out, he always remained strong. 653 00:39:06,577 --> 00:39:10,843 Well, my mom's dead. Pass the corn. 654 00:39:10,948 --> 00:39:12,848 - [Sobbing] - A funny thing happens... 655 00:39:12,950 --> 00:39:16,351 when the man you look up to your whole life breaks his own rules and cries. 656 00:39:16,454 --> 00:39:19,890 - It finally gives you permission to. - 657 00:39:19,990 --> 00:39:22,220 - - Everything with Joy happened so long ago... 658 00:39:22,326 --> 00:39:26,729 - - but all this stuff with Mom makes it hurt again. 659 00:39:26,831 --> 00:39:29,322 - That's what I'm afraid of. - 660 00:39:29,433 --> 00:39:32,630 - It's never gonna go away. - 661 00:39:32,737 --> 00:39:37,071 - So we cried. Together. - 662 00:39:37,174 --> 00:39:39,665 - - We even tried talking about how we felt... 663 00:39:39,777 --> 00:39:43,736 which was hard for my dad and the son he raised to ignore his feelings. 664 00:39:43,848 --> 00:39:46,942 - - It's like someone took out my stomach and- 665 00:39:47,051 --> 00:39:48,951 - I don't even know what. - 666 00:39:49,053 --> 00:39:52,079 - Stomped on it. That's what it feels like. - 667 00:39:52,189 --> 00:39:55,556 - Yeah, but not with a sneaker. With something worse. - 668 00:39:55,659 --> 00:39:57,490 - - Like a golf shoe. 669 00:39:57,595 --> 00:40:00,257 - - I don't know golf shoes. Are they heavy? 670 00:40:00,364 --> 00:40:02,389 No, but they got spikes on the bottoms. 671 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:05,128 Oh, then yeah. Yeah, that's what it feels like. 672 00:40:05,236 --> 00:40:09,297 - A golf shoe. - Right. 673 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:11,932 [Earl Narrating] And the more honest we were about how we felt... 674 00:40:12,042 --> 00:40:15,341 - the more honest we became about everything. - 675 00:40:15,446 --> 00:40:17,880 - - If I just wouldn't have spent so much time at work. 676 00:40:17,982 --> 00:40:20,314 - - No. Do not blame yourself. 677 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:23,114 - I will not stand here and let you blame yourself. - 678 00:40:23,220 --> 00:40:25,120 I'm not saying what they did wasn't wrong. 679 00:40:25,222 --> 00:40:27,918 - But I will say they're not the only ones to blame. - 680 00:40:28,025 --> 00:40:32,985 Okay, now you're bringing some stuff up I'm not sure I'm ready to hear. 681 00:40:33,097 --> 00:40:37,295 [Earl Narrating] After a whole night of crying and more hugging than I'd like to admit... 682 00:40:37,401 --> 00:40:39,460 we discovered something unexpected. 683 00:40:39,570 --> 00:40:42,903 [Sighs] I think I feel better. 684 00:40:43,007 --> 00:40:45,339 - Me too. - 685 00:40:54,385 --> 00:40:58,446 what does it mean 686 00:40:58,556 --> 00:41:01,889 687 00:41:01,992 --> 00:41:03,926 [Earl Narrating] Anger's a heavy burden to carry... 688 00:41:04,028 --> 00:41:07,794 but Dad realized that revenge didn't make it any lighter- forgiveness did. 689 00:41:07,898 --> 00:41:10,799 690 00:41:10,901 --> 00:41:16,840 691 00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:21,703 And forgiveness lightened the burden of guilt too. 692 00:41:21,812 --> 00:41:25,111 693 00:41:25,216 --> 00:41:29,050 694 00:41:29,153 --> 00:41:33,055 I lost my head 695 00:41:33,157 --> 00:41:36,024 696 00:41:36,126 --> 00:41:40,324 [Earl Narrating] And if it worked for Mom and Dad, maybe it could work for me too. 697 00:41:40,431 --> 00:41:44,060 Joy, I forgive you for cheatin' on me. 698 00:41:44,168 --> 00:41:46,432 Good. 'Cause I'd do it again in a heartbeat. 699 00:41:46,537 --> 00:41:49,438 Now move. You're standin' in my light. 700 00:41:49,540 --> 00:41:53,533 Forgiveness was a peaceful feeling. I felt calm, more focused. 701 00:41:53,644 --> 00:41:58,707 I can't say if my words madeJoy feel the same, but I like to think it might have. 702 00:41:59,850 --> 00:42:03,411 I did it! I did it! Genius! 703 00:42:03,521 --> 00:42:05,421 And maybe by forgiving her... 704 00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:08,617 I showed her that there's room in your heart for things other than revenge. 705 00:42:08,726 --> 00:42:12,253 That sometimes it's far better to give an eye than to take an eye. 706 00:42:16,133 --> 00:42:18,795 - Thank you. -