1
00:00:17,480 --> 00:00:20,352
There's a bike here, Derek.
Ripped By mstoll

2
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:22,199
It's in good nick.

3
00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:25,398
You can ride it home, mate.

4
00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:26,429
I can't.

5
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:27,469
Why not?

6
00:00:27,520 --> 00:00:28,509
I can't ride a bike.

7
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,118
What do you mean,
you can't ride a bike?

8
00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,594
I never learned when I was little.
No-one taught me.

9
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:34,710
- Well, I'll teach you.
- Will ya?

10
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:36,796
Yeah, course I will. Sit on it.

11
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:40,553
Feet on the pedals.

12
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:45,869
Pure trust.

13
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:48,349
Well, get up, then.

14
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:49,389
Get up?

15
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,429
Yeah, always get up, mate.

16
00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:51,879
- Always get up.
- Always get up.

17
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:52,909
First rule.

18
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:54,029
First rule. Always get up.

19
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,069
Always get up.

20
00:00:55,120 --> 00:00:57,839
Feet on the pedals. But this time...

21
00:00:57,880 --> 00:00:58,869
Done it again.

22
00:00:58,920 --> 00:01:00,433
I was going to say push down on the...

23
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,198
Doesn't matter,
we can do it next time, so,

24
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:03,639
- get up.
- Get up.

25
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:04,795
Yeah, always get up, mate, remember?

26
00:01:04,840 --> 00:01:06,432
- Yeah.
- That's it.

27
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:08,993
There we go.

28
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:10,393
- Back on again.
- Yeah.

29
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,317
It's gonna be a long day.

30
00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,155
I never had a dad
when I was little,

31
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,509
so no-one taught me to ride a bike.

32
00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:30,994
My mum didn't want me to learn
cos she didn't want me to fall off.

33
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:35,232
She had a point.

34
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:40,669
That's the difference
between mums and dads.

35
00:01:40,720 --> 00:01:43,188
Mums never want you to fall off.

36
00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:47,279
Dads want you to fall off straightaway
so you know what it feels like

37
00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:51,074
and if you get hurt,
you won't fall off again.

38
00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:56,389
Sorry I wasn't there to teach you, Derek.

39
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:58,670
That's all right.
It wouldn't have made a difference.

40
00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:01,473
I can't ride it now so I couldn't have
rided it then. I'm useless.

41
00:02:01,520 --> 00:02:03,078
Ah, that's the last thing you are, boy.

42
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,918
You're gonna be riding it
in no time at all.

43
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:07,632
Will you still be alive
to see me riding it?

44
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:10,399
Well, if you hurry up, I might.

45
00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,756
If not, you can ride it to the funeral.

46
00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:19,993
You can do your own tweets.

47
00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,473
Is that for me?

48
00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:26,719
Yes, it's a present, and Vicky
has got it all set up and running.

49
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,309
Look.

50
00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,476
- What's that?

51
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:33,192
Is that one of them
what you ask it questions?

52
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:34,798
Yes.

53
00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:38,158
What would win out of a gorilla
and an orang-utan?

54
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,355
Here's a recipe...
- What?

55
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,675
- ... for grilled meringues.

56
00:02:42,720 --> 00:02:43,709
Look, I got me own phone.

57
00:02:43,760 --> 00:02:45,591
I know. It's brilliant, innit?

58
00:02:45,640 --> 00:02:46,629
Yeah.

59
00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,432
- I've got another surprise for you.
- What?

60
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:49,469
You've got a date.

61
00:02:49,520 --> 00:02:50,509
What, off the website?

62
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:51,549
Yeah.

63
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:54,718
I can't really go, though, can I,
cos I'm...

64
00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:56,671
Is she a nice little filly?

65
00:02:56,720 --> 00:02:59,075
Yeah, she looks lovely, Derek.

66
00:02:59,120 --> 00:03:01,839
- Go on, son, get stuck in.
- Stuck in.

67
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,634
What if she thinks I'm awful,
like, I'm pathetic or summat?

68
00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,069
She chose you, Derek!

69
00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,599
Shall I book a restaurant?

70
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,515
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

71
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:14,437
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

72
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,959
Excellent.

73
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,553
Going on a date.

74
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:21,238
That's right.

75
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,831
You just gotta relax
and be yourself, Derek.

76
00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:28,915
Yeah.

77
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,599
They're helping me work out
what things to say on the date

78
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,074
cos I ain't never been on one before,
I don't know what to say.

79
00:03:34,120 --> 00:03:35,109
What shall I say?

80
00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:36,593
Well, ask her what she likes.

81
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,676
What, what?
Just say, "What things do you like?"

82
00:03:38,720 --> 00:03:39,914
- Yeah.
- Yeah, what things do you like?

83
00:03:39,960 --> 00:03:41,996
- I know what she likes.
-  Sh!

84
00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:45,476
Er, ask her what she does
and where she's from.

85
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:47,476
- What d'you do? Where you from?
- Yeah, and, you know,

86
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:48,509
things she wants to talk about.

87
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,391
- What d'you want to talk about?
- Yeah.

88
00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,351
Is she up for it?

89
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,435
Oh, shut up.

90
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:56,836
I won't shut... This is bollocks.
Put your pen and pad down, mate. Simple.

91
00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:01,510
Easy. Number one -
stop gurning like a goldfish...

92
00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:03,391
All that business.

93
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,432
Number two - stop combing
your hair forward like an old monk.

94
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,473
And number three -
stop doing that like... like pincers,

95
00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:12,158
like a lobster or a crab.

96
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:13,918
What would win out of a lobster
and a crab?

97
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:14,949
And that's gotta stop also.

98
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:16,433
All the, "What would win?
What would win?"

99
00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:17,959
I don't want questions,
I want answers.

100
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,433
What would win out of answers
and questions?

101
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,879
Fuckin' hell!

102
00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:23,150
Can't believe you're going on a date
when your dad's ill.

103
00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:25,429
Should I not go?

104
00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,550
Of course you should go, Derek.

105
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,318
- Geoff, could you do me a favour?
- Yeah.

106
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:30,554
Shut the fuck up.

107
00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:31,919
- Sorry.

108
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,349
Careful.

109
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,037
Aw, 50-year-old man gets a date. Wow

110
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:44,039
Call the paparazzi.
Stop the press, you know?

111
00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:48,439
Why is he getting all the attention?

112
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:08,989
Come on, Derek, we gotta go!
It's nearly time to go!

113
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,837
You gotta get ready for your date!

114
00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:12,233
He's doing really well.

115
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:14,873
Trust me, that was him doing well.

116
00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:17,719
Come on!

117
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,589
He's so excited.

118
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:23,915
Is he? I just wish I could come
and see what they're talking about.

119
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:24,949
I know, she seemed really lovely.

120
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,319
Yeah, she looked nice

121
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,351
- Here he is.
- Oh, look at him!

122
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:29,719
Wow!
You look gorgeous, Derek.

123
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:30,954
Thank you.

124
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,638
Look, real shoes, real trousers.

125
00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:33,669
You look so smart.

126
00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:35,153
Here you are, Derek. I got you a drink.

127
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,430
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

128
00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:39,994
- She's a lucky girl, ain't she?
- Yeah. Yeah.

129
00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:41,189
Oh, my God! What the fuck?!

130
00:05:41,240 --> 00:05:43,356
Oh! What did you do that for?!

131
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,516
- Prat!
- Let me check it.

132
00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:47,437
You can see he's dressed up.
You're a bully, mate.

133
00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,789
Yeah? What are you? Yeah,
what are you gonna do about it, mate?

134
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,239
- Fuck off!
What the fuck?!

135
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,840
What did you?
What are you doing? Derek! Let go, Derek.

136
00:05:53,880 --> 00:05:54,869
You're gonna get in trouble!

137
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:56,751
- Is Kev all right?
- Yes, he's fine!

138
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:57,949
Sorry.

139
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,117
He's fine. Kev, are you OK?
Are you all right?

140
00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:02,275
Are you OK, Kev?

141
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:05,391
You've hurt yourself.
My drink

142
00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:07,158
Don't worry about your drink.

143
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,679
- Are you OK, Derek?
- Yeah.

144
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,073
Geoff didn't... wasn't hurt, was he?

145
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,314
Don't worry about Geoff.

146
00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:12,588
You all right, Kev?
- Yeah.

147
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:17,675
Cheers, Kev.

148
00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:18,948
Stupid prick.

149
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,752
Shall I still go on the date?

150
00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,438
Of course
you've got to go on the date.

151
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,511
- See you later, Kev.
- Good luck, mate.

152
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:28,795
See ya, cheers.

153
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:30,432
Have fun, Derek, yeah?

154
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:31,595
Yeah.

155
00:06:34,080 --> 00:06:36,435
- Come on.
- You'll be great, mate.

156
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,469
Thank you.

157
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:46,872
You don't need to run, Derek...

158
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,399
Geoff.

159
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,396
Sorry.

160
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,716
No... I'm sorry. It was my fault.
I was a total idiot, Derek.

161
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,398
- Don't worry.
- I'm sorry.

162
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:56,714
- Thank you.
- Have a good time, yeah?

163
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,193
- Thank you.
- Enjoy yourself.

164
00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:03,672
Right, well, that's another job
I'll have to leave, then.

165
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,199
No, you haven't got to leave.

166
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:08,510
Look, can I give you
a bit of advice, Geoff?

167
00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,073
Yeah.

168
00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:13,430
Do you think that you could try

169
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:16,153
and not be an arsehole all of the time?

170
00:07:18,680 --> 00:07:19,669
- Yeah.
- Yeah?

171
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,518
- OK, yeah.
- Yeah? You'll be all right, then.

172
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,710
- Thanks.
- See ya later.

173
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:36,509
Is that it?

174
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,073
Yeah. Looks nice.

175
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,109
Yeah.

176
00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:50,273
Good evening, sir.

177
00:07:50,320 --> 00:07:51,514
Sir.

178
00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:53,790
Do you have a reservation?

179
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:54,955
I've got a date.

180
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,228
Right, wha... what's your name?

181
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:57,269
Derek

182
00:07:57,320 --> 00:07:58,992
- Derek who?
- Derek Noakes.

183
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:01,879
Er...

184
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,957
Oh, yes, yep. Your...
Your guest's already at the table.

185
00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:07,995
What are they?

186
00:08:08,040 --> 00:08:09,029
Er, mints.

187
00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,274
Are they free?

188
00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:11,309
Yes.

189
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,157
Can I have one, please?

190
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:17,830
Er... they're normally for after the meal.

191
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,108
Can I have one now?

192
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:21,389
Er... yep.

193
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,271
Thank you.

194
00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,870
There's free mints up there.

195
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:27,909
I'm Derek.

196
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,473
I'm Tracey.

197
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,317
Hello. Waiter.

198
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,952
Drink to start?

199
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,194
Eh...

200
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,992
A diet Coke, please.

201
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,598
I's diet Coke.

202
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,676
Two diet Cokes, no problem.

203
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,994
Two straws.

204
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,793
- Sure. The menu, there for you.
- Thank you.

205
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:07,792
- What you doing?
- Have you got the list?

206
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:08,829
No.

207
00:09:08,880 --> 00:09:09,995
I left it back at the home, then.

208
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:11,473
Have you just left her sitting there?

209
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:12,509
I need the list.

210
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,074
You don't need the list, Derek.

211
00:09:15,120 --> 00:09:17,554
You just have to talk about yourself.
And her.

212
00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,631
Thank you.

213
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,232
I forgot the list.
Of questions what to ask.

214
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:34,429
Do you want to borrow mine?

215
00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:35,469
Yes, please.

216
00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:39,589
Oh, yeah.

217
00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:41,153
What things do you like?

218
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:44,749
Oh, I don't know. I only made a list of
questions, not answers.

219
00:09:47,880 --> 00:09:49,632
Ask me them, then.

220
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:52,319
- What things do you like?

221
00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:56,194
Susan Boyle, cats, Hannah,
old people, Robbie Williams,

222
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:59,789
Britain's Got Talent, Miranda,
monkeys, piglets,

223
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:01,034
Mrs Brown Boys.

224
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:05,312
Brilliant. I like burping.

225
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:07,032
I likes burping.

226
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:20,478
That sounded like a camel.

227
00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:24,678
- Can you burp?
- Eh, pardon?

228
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:26,233
Can you burp?

229
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,429
Er, no.

230
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,358
Thank you. We likes burping, don't we?

231
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,789
You have chosen your food?

232
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,592
No.

233
00:10:34,640 --> 00:10:37,950
What's gran... wee?

234
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:39,638
- Eh, cuisses de grenouille.
- Yeah.

235
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,831
It's a starter. It's, um, er, frog's legs.

236
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:44,029
What?

237
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,594
Frog's legs. The legs of a frog.

238
00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:48,312
The legs off a... what, a real frog?

239
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:51,955
Sure. About seven or eight in the portion.

240
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,436
What about the frogs what legs
you took off? Are they disabled now?

241
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:59,711
No, no... the frog is dead.

242
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,150
Obviously. We only eat the leg.

243
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,998
It's a delicacy.
Tastes a little bit like chicken.

244
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:07,268
Have you got any chicken?

245
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,117
- The poulet.
- Yeah.

246
00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,149
That is the chicken.

247
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,556
So, why, why you eating frogs
before the chicken's run out?

248
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,909
No, it's two different dishes.

249
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,235
What's that one? L'escargott.

250
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:20,635
L'escargot is, er, snails.

251
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,318
- What?
- Snails.

252
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:24,999
- Snails?
- Garlic, herb butter on...

253
00:11:25,040 --> 00:11:27,156
Sure, snails. It's a...

254
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:28,394
What? Real snails?

255
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,714
Mm-hm. Cooked, of course

256
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,990
Of course. Could you eat a slug?

257
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:34,473
No.

258
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:36,670
But you eats a snail and a frog.

259
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:39,473
You can probably best
just go for the chicken.

260
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:40,748
- I'll have the chicken, please.
- Sure.

261
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,199
I'll have chicken.

262
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,718
Does anyone want a cup of tea?

263
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:22,194
No, thanks.

264
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,232
Sheila? D'you want a cup of tea, Sheila?

265
00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:26,633
Yes, please.

266
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:27,669
Yeah?

267
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:31,832
- How d'ya? How d'ya have it?
- Milk and one sugar.

268
00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,552
Milk and one. Right.

269
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,716
D'you want one, Vicky?

270
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,558
Yeah, go on, then.
I'll have the same as Sheila.

271
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,909
Yeah? Right. Two milk and one. OK.

272
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,393
Give you a hand?

273
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,396
Yeah. Yeah, go on, then.
Be good.

274
00:12:58,240 --> 00:12:59,798
Don't worry about it.

275
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,114
I used to be a dickhead.

276
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:06,389
OK.

277
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,079
Come on.
Don't want to leave Sheila waiting.

278
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:10,109
Yeah.

279
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,355
Make sure you make it strong, though.
She likes it strong.

280
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:13,389
Right.

281
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,075
Ah. Madam... Monsieur...

282
00:13:19,120 --> 00:13:21,315
Deux coq au vin.

283
00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:22,429
What?

284
00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:23,708
Coq au vin.

285
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:27,478
Mainly chicken, though, innit?

286
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:28,999
Yes.

287
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:31,869
Bon appétit.

288
00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:37,150
I'm going to just leave that bit.

289
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,430
Just in case? Is that a good idea?

290
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,274
- I liked that. It was tasty, wasn't it?
- Lovely.

291
00:13:56,320 --> 00:13:57,719
Have you ever triple-spudded?

292
00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:58,749
What's that?

293
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,997
Well, I once... I had mashed potato,
roast potato and some chips.

294
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,598
Triple-spudding.

295
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:04,629
You're finished?

296
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:05,749
Thank you.

297
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,030
- You're welcome.
- That was brilliant.

298
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,832
- Thanks.
- What's your favourite animal?

299
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:10,869
Horse.

300
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,559
I likes horses.
Do you like the little ones, like that?

301
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,352
You mean dogs?

302
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:16,799
No.

303
00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:20,792
No, just those tiny...
Those little miniature horses you can get.

304
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:22,239
Oh, yeah.

305
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,111
Yeah. You're funny.
You looks like your picture.

306
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:25,149
So do you.

307
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:26,235
Yeah.

308
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,315
Have you been on a horse?

309
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:29,271
No. I fed a horse.

310
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,878
D'you know why you've got to
do it like that?

311
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:35,038
So that, um, it does that and it doesn't
bite your fingers. Like that

312
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:36,069
Did you feel its tongue?

313
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,908
No, just its lips. Do horses got tongues?
Do they lick things, horses?

314
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:41,154
- Think so. Dogs do.
- Dogs licks things.

315
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:43,668
That's why you're not allowed to kiss
dogs, because it's been licking things.

316
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,429
Right, and a cat's tongue, it heals you,
isn't it, cos it's got a rough tongue.

317
00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,153
You know a dog's nose is wet
but a cat's nose is dry?

318
00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,633
- Hello?
- Dessert for you?

319
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:53,193
Thank you.

320
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,196
Did anyone eat frogs here tonight?

321
00:14:55,240 --> 00:14:56,832
Nobody ordered the frog tonight.

322
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:01,359
I licked a toad once. It was horrible.

323
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:08,354
Yeah. He's doing really well.

324
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,675
It looks like he's having a nice time.

325
00:15:13,360 --> 00:15:15,510
I'm sure he'll tell me all about it.

326
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:18,392
OK.

327
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,749
All right, well, I'll see you later.

328
00:15:20,800 --> 00:15:23,917
Yeah, me too. OK, bye.

329
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:30,038
Mm, I like that.

330
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,069
I like the crunchy bits.

331
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,872
Yeah. Crème brûlée. Thank you.

332
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,036
Brilliant. Have you seen, erm...

333
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:37,674
dormouse snoring on YouTube?

334
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,358
It's the best thing what I've ever seen.

335
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,834
It's as good as baby monkey
riding backwards on a pig

336
00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,509
or hamster on a piano eating popcorn,
or even shopping penguin.

337
00:15:45,560 --> 00:15:46,709
It's a magic towel.

338
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,716
Yeah, fine, great.

339
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:52,710
You'll love it. You look it up.

340
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:54,352
- Voilâ.
- Thank you.

341
00:15:55,600 --> 00:15:58,034
Oh, sorry, no! That's the towels.

342
00:16:02,560 --> 00:16:04,437
They looks just like the mints.

343
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:07,278
Thank you.

344
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,038
Just, er...

345
00:16:13,680 --> 00:16:14,954
French food is funny, innit?

346
00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:23,356
- That's my friend Hannah.
- Oh, that's me dad.

347
00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,318
- Bye, then.
- Bye.

348
00:16:43,880 --> 00:16:46,075
- Did you have a good time?
- Yeah. It was brilliant.

349
00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:47,109
- Did you?
- Yeah.

350
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:48,798
Have you ever heard of crème brûlée?

351
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:50,239
- I've heard of it.
- It's French.

352
00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,349
Oh, right, is it nice?

353
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,628
- It's like a pudding...
- Nice!

354
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,352
...but with a crusty bit on top...
- Ah.

355
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:55,799
...what's burnt, but it's like toffee.

356
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:10,075
Dad. Hello.

357
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,836
Hello. I've just been on my date.

358
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:16,993
Jesus! You're back early.

359
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:22,438
Yeah. I said I had to get back,
to see you.

360
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:26,393
I couldn't stay that long with her.
So I said goodbye to her and come down.

361
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,396
Always choose the girl, boy.

362
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,195
- Do you want a whisky?
- No, thanks.

363
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,955
Do you mind if I have one?

364
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:11,719
I loves being alive.
It's my favouritest thing.

365
00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,435
I loves every day. I don't want it to end.

366
00:18:15,480 --> 00:18:17,914
But I looks forward to
the next day starting.

367
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:21,236
I even like sleeping,
cos I likes dreaming.

368
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:25,592
Cos, um, my dreams
are just as good as my real life.

369
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:27,914
They're sort of the same, really.

370
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,838
I basically dreams about
what's happened that day,

371
00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:33,997
except I can fly sometimes,
and animals talks to me.

372
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,196
Animals what I've helped.

373
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:40,835
Cos they can't say thank you in real life
but they says thank you in my dreams.

374
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,314
Cos I think that's what they would
say if they could.

375
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:47,792
I sometime knows I'm dreaming,
d'you know what I mean? I do that.

376
00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:54,390
I knows I'm dreaming and I says,
"Oh, I gotta wake up now. Bye."

377
00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,994
And my mum says, "Bye, Derek,
see you tomorrow night. Have a nice day."

378
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:04,195
So I do.

379
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:19,269
Derek?

380
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:23,909
He's dead.

381
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:26,154
Oh, darling.

382
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:28,709
It's all right.

383
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,749
I'm happy...

384
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:33,994
...cos he was happy.

385
00:19:36,200 --> 00:19:39,317
Cos I knew I had a dad
and he had a son.

386
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:43,718
He loved me. He said so. He told me.

387
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:49,357
He was smiling and then he just fell
asleep and he was dead, smiling.

388
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:51,152
So that's why I'm smiling.

389
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,474
Perfect ending.

390
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,192
So, is he in heaven now?

391
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:59,071
What do you think?

392
00:20:00,280 --> 00:20:03,078
I don't know if there is a heaven.
I'm suspicious.

393
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:07,192
But if heaven is for people what did
good, then he would be in heaven.

394
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,355
Definitely.

395
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,155
Good.

396
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,830
I'm going to go and sort things out now.
I'll be back soon, OK?

397
00:20:16,880 --> 00:20:18,871
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

398
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,069
OK.

399
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,355
Thank you.

400
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,391
- Is my dad in heaven?

401
00:20:35,440 --> 00:20:38,079
I'm sorry,
I don't know where that is.

402
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:43,112
I see people out of life, you know?

403
00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:47,039
Somebody sees you in - like a midwife -
and I see people out.

404
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:54,277
I make sure that they can go at peace
with everything in order.

405
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,475
I've been with a lot of people
as they die.

406
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,559
It's been a privilege.

407
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:03,995
I'm not scared of it.

408
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,915
When he wasn't around,
I just told myself he didn't love me.

409
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,633
And that was fine
cos I thought maybe he was happy.

410
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,073
And then when I met him,

411
00:21:16,120 --> 00:21:20,432
I was happy but then I was sad
cos I found out he had been missing me.

412
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,391
I didn't want him to feel bad.

413
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,514
But then we made it all OK.

414
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,836
That's the amazing thing about life,
you can just start again.

415
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:32,678
Just rub it out,
like a blackboard, start again.

416
00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,233
You know, I nearly didn't,

417
00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:36,793
I nearly didn't,

418
00:21:36,840 --> 00:21:39,718
but just in those last few months
what I've known him,

419
00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:43,150
we made a whole life OK.

420
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,835
It's what you do from now.

421
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:51,031
So, if you has an argument
with someone, just say sorry.

422
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:57,112
If you haven't spoken to someone
for a long time, call 'em up now.

423
00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,276
If you haven't spoken to your mum,
call her up.

424
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,914
It's never too late, until it is.

425
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:28,708
Kev!

426
00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:38,159
Go on, boy!
Ripped By mstoll