1 00:00:03,363 --> 00:00:05,255 This programme contains some strong language. 2 00:00:05,255 --> 00:00:07,623 This story's about a wonderful night with a baby, a manger 3 00:00:07,623 --> 00:00:08,839 and a bright, shining light, 4 00:00:08,839 --> 00:00:10,503 when Mary and Joseph arrived in Nazareth 5 00:00:10,503 --> 00:00:12,295 and Jesus, our Lord, took his first breath. 6 00:00:12,295 --> 00:00:14,087 CHILDREN SING SILENT NIGHT Where's yours? 7 00:00:14,087 --> 00:00:16,775 King Herod - in front of the Viking. 8 00:00:16,775 --> 00:00:20,043 He looks like Hugh Hefner. Yes! That's who it is. 9 00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:21,191 Ssh! 10 00:00:21,191 --> 00:00:22,803 You really smell of booze, Meg, 11 00:00:22,803 --> 00:00:24,903 you smell like the carpet at Wetherspoon's. 12 00:00:24,903 --> 00:00:28,103 I got taken out by some clients for a worky, boozy, brunchy - 13 00:00:28,103 --> 00:00:32,199 mainly boozy - booze-up brunch. I love Christmas corporates! 14 00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:36,487 Guys, please pipe down! I'm trying to watch. 15 00:00:36,487 --> 00:00:39,303 Spoiler alert, Joseph's not the father. 16 00:00:39,303 --> 00:00:41,671 BABY CRIES 17 00:00:41,671 --> 00:00:43,335 Sorry. Sorry. 18 00:00:43,335 --> 00:00:45,767 What's up with you? Early menopause? 19 00:00:45,767 --> 00:00:48,775 I promised my girls I'd wear my Christmas jumper. 20 00:00:48,775 --> 00:00:52,807 It's like a wet T-shirt competition underneath here. 21 00:00:52,807 --> 00:01:00,167 HE PLAYS SILENT NIGHT 22 00:01:00,167 --> 00:01:04,455 Goodness! He's very good, isn't he? Well, yeah. That's Mr Washbourne. 23 00:01:04,455 --> 00:01:09,963 Eh?He used to be in the band Toploader before he became a TA. 24 00:01:09,963 --> 00:01:14,055 He's got a tattoo of an eagle on his thigh. 25 00:01:14,055 --> 00:01:39,243 I follow him on Facebook. 26 00:01:39,243 --> 00:01:41,447 Wasn't that fab? 27 00:01:41,447 --> 00:01:43,943 Well done, Year 6! 28 00:01:43,943 --> 00:01:45,735 Who's up for an encore? 29 00:01:45,735 --> 00:01:47,911 Hell, yeah! Whoo! 30 00:01:47,911 --> 00:01:59,047 HE PLAYS JOY TO THE WORLD 31 00:01:59,047 --> 00:02:02,183 Manus was great, wasn't he, as Harry Potter? 32 00:02:02,183 --> 00:02:04,807 He was an orphan time-travelling schoolboy narrator, Anne. 33 00:02:04,807 --> 00:02:06,343 I don't remember that bit in the Bible. 34 00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:08,263 Mr Barrett wrote the part especially for him. 35 00:02:08,263 --> 00:02:10,247 I think there could be a future for him in acting. 36 00:02:10,247 --> 00:02:13,255 He's just got that confidence, you know. Not the annoying kind. 37 00:02:13,255 --> 00:02:17,043 Guys, guys, guys, quick Q! Has anyone heard of Mein Kraft? 38 00:02:17,043 --> 00:02:19,847 My girls are asking for it for Christmas.ALL:Yes. 39 00:02:19,847 --> 00:02:22,471 It's Minecraft, Kevin.Yeah, that's what I said, Mein Kraft. 40 00:02:22,471 --> 00:02:25,563 Minecraft, not Mein Kraft. It's not German - Hitler didn't write it. 41 00:02:25,563 --> 00:02:27,975 My Charlie's obsessed with it. I don't know why. 42 00:02:27,975 --> 00:02:30,407 It's just building stuff, it's educational. 43 00:02:30,407 --> 00:02:32,403 Charlie wants to be an architect because of it, 44 00:02:32,403 --> 00:02:35,527 or a potion maker - he hasn't decided yet.Oh, great. 45 00:02:35,527 --> 00:02:37,703 Well, obviously, I'm going to play it all first 46 00:02:37,703 --> 00:02:40,203 to make sure there's no misogyny or casual drug references. 47 00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:43,463 You know you can't play all of Minecraft, yeah?Hm? 48 00:02:43,463 --> 00:02:46,923 Never mind. What's the plan, pub? I need a booze boost. 49 00:02:46,923 --> 00:02:49,735 Guys, I thought we were going to the Living Nativity 50 00:02:49,735 --> 00:02:51,243 as an end-of-term treat. 51 00:02:51,243 --> 00:02:52,487 Mm...Nah. 52 00:02:52,487 --> 00:02:57,863 There's a mulled wine stall? Ooh! I love a mulled wine! 53 00:02:57,863 --> 00:03:07,591 Come on! 54 00:03:07,591 --> 00:03:09,767 I don't know about you but, any time I see a big crowd, 55 00:03:09,767 --> 00:03:11,431 it makes me think of a terrorist attack. 56 00:03:11,431 --> 00:03:13,287 And a happy Christmas to you too, Anne. 57 00:03:13,287 --> 00:03:16,103 Was there this much of a queue at the original nativity, do you think? 58 00:03:16,103 --> 00:03:19,751 I don't know. Ask Amanda. I'm pretty sure she was there.Very funny, Liz! 59 00:03:19,751 --> 00:03:23,591 Hey, I heard there's going to be a rabbit you can pat.One rabbit? 60 00:03:23,591 --> 00:03:27,687 One rabbit for all these kids going in and out? Jesus Christ! 61 00:03:27,687 --> 00:03:29,927 How many pats can one rabbit take? 62 00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:31,923 Er, 200.Eh? 63 00:03:31,923 --> 00:03:34,983 Roughly speaking, 200 pats or 15 minutes' worth 64 00:03:34,983 --> 00:03:38,183 of heavy patting is a rabbit's limit. 65 00:03:38,183 --> 00:03:40,487 Do you think Anne patted a rabbit to death? 66 00:03:40,487 --> 00:03:42,791 Yeah, that's why she had to leave Ireland. 67 00:03:42,791 --> 00:03:45,963 Oh, guys, before I forget - Christmas Eve, 7pm, 68 00:03:45,963 --> 00:03:48,103 I'm having a little festive gathering chez moi. 69 00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:51,123 I've only got one stiffy invite left. 70 00:03:51,123 --> 00:03:55,271 Actually, it's officially for Meggie.Oh, thank you!There you go. 71 00:03:55,271 --> 00:03:56,615 It's got your name on it there. 72 00:03:56,615 --> 00:03:58,983 The rest of you just take down the deets, yeah? 73 00:03:58,983 --> 00:04:02,247 MAN:Next family, please. Charming!Come on! 74 00:04:02,247 --> 00:04:05,703 Give us a look at your stiffy, then. "Amanda's annual Christmas drinkies. 75 00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:09,543 "Dress code - tinsel and tiaras. Bring a gift for Evil Santa. 76 00:04:09,543 --> 00:04:12,295 "Real champagne 6-7, Cava thereafter." 77 00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:14,407 I'm not going to her anal Christmas drinkies 78 00:04:14,407 --> 00:04:17,095 if she's not giving me a stiffy. Who has a party on Christmas Eve? 79 00:04:17,095 --> 00:04:19,591 The night before Christmas and you're cooking and cleaning, 80 00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:21,127 making up the beds, folding towels - 81 00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:23,687 your big towels, your small towels, your hand towels... 82 00:04:23,687 --> 00:04:26,375 Are Paul's parents staying over? Yes, yes, yes, they are. 83 00:04:26,375 --> 00:04:29,403 The rest of his family arrive on Boxing Day, so both days are awful. 84 00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:31,495 I mean, basically, I'm a Christmas servant. 85 00:04:31,495 --> 00:04:33,123 Well, Christmas isn't Christmas 86 00:04:33,123 --> 00:04:34,923 without a bit of family politics, is it? 87 00:04:34,923 --> 00:04:38,163 Who's going to have the last sprout? Why did you pull my cracker? 88 00:04:38,163 --> 00:04:41,415 Who's going to clean up after Jill's grandad's used the toilet? 89 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:44,807 I'm taxiing over to Jill's mum's very early on Christmas morning 90 00:04:44,807 --> 00:04:48,903 with the turkey, potatoes, cauliflower cheese, spiced beef, 91 00:04:48,903 --> 00:04:52,323 pigs in blankets, the ham, cheese board - the full caboodle. 92 00:04:52,323 --> 00:04:54,855 Then basically all I have to do is head over and serve it. 93 00:04:54,855 --> 00:04:56,775 And wash up.What does Jill do? 94 00:04:56,775 --> 00:05:00,295 She fills a bowl with Quality Street - best bit of the day. 95 00:05:00,295 --> 00:05:02,535 Lee's got the kids this year, so that's that. 96 00:05:02,535 --> 00:05:04,007 Christmas can get fucked. 97 00:05:04,007 --> 00:05:07,463 Is Sam the shepherd not coming down to worship at your manger? 98 00:05:07,463 --> 00:05:10,855 Guys, heads up - not a real reindeer. 99 00:05:10,855 --> 00:05:14,311 I've been to Lapland. It's at best a Muntjac. 100 00:05:14,311 --> 00:05:17,127 At worst, an Alsatian with a strap-on. 101 00:05:17,127 --> 00:05:23,719 JULIA LAUGHS 102 00:05:23,719 --> 00:05:40,743 PHONE RINGS 103 00:05:40,743 --> 00:05:44,043 Jesus! Who puts a quarter of an onion in the fridge? 104 00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,119 We brought some bits and pieces from our fridge 105 00:05:46,119 --> 00:06:01,031 that would have gone off - thought they might be of use. 106 00:06:01,031 --> 00:06:05,895 PHONE RINGS 107 00:06:05,895 --> 00:06:09,415 What?I've been in this queue for nearly 25 minutes.Ah! 108 00:06:09,415 --> 00:06:12,615 What absolute shit are you going to panic buy me this year? 109 00:06:12,615 --> 00:06:19,975 Another apron that says, "Bitch, I'm the secret ingredient"?No... 110 00:06:19,975 --> 00:06:23,623 Hey, can you just ask Dad if Mum needs a new epilady? 111 00:06:23,623 --> 00:06:25,803 My God! Why can't you? 112 00:06:25,803 --> 00:06:32,711 You know he never answers his phone. 113 00:06:32,711 --> 00:06:35,403 Geoff!Geoff!Geoff! 114 00:06:35,403 --> 00:06:37,447 LOUDER: Geoff! 115 00:06:37,447 --> 00:06:41,287 Paul wants to know, does Elizabeth need a new epilady?What? 116 00:06:41,287 --> 00:06:43,975 LOUDER: Does Elizabeth need a new epilady? 117 00:06:43,975 --> 00:06:48,391 Do you need a new epilady, Elizabeth?No.No.No. 118 00:06:48,391 --> 00:06:52,615 Shit! OK, OK, um, what about a Michael Kors clutch? 119 00:06:52,615 --> 00:06:54,983 Or a massive suitcase? 120 00:06:54,983 --> 00:06:58,923 Oh, Julia, do you have any Sellotape and scissors? 121 00:06:58,923 --> 00:07:00,963 Right, yes, fine. 122 00:07:00,963 --> 00:07:03,623 You don't need to worry about wrapping paper - 123 00:07:03,623 --> 00:07:09,483 we recycled all ours from last year. 124 00:07:09,483 --> 00:07:14,823 Um... Are we eating today?Hey? 125 00:07:14,823 --> 00:07:17,895 It's Christmas Eve, Geoff! 126 00:07:17,895 --> 00:07:20,647 Nobody eats on... There's food everywhere! 127 00:07:20,647 --> 00:07:22,695 Just peel a satsuma, crack a nut. 128 00:07:22,695 --> 00:07:27,047 Tuck into a quarter of an onion, you coffin-dodging old shit!Julia? 129 00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:35,943 Could you pop the kettle on? I left the cups on the counter. 130 00:07:35,943 --> 00:07:39,655 PHONE RINGS 131 00:07:39,655 --> 00:07:40,743 What? 132 00:07:40,743 --> 00:07:46,247 Would you like an Antony Worrall Thompson salt pig signed by him?No. 133 00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:49,447 OK, what about Jaeger sockettes? Ted Baker sunglasses? 134 00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:51,175 Julia, where are all the towels? 135 00:07:51,175 --> 00:07:54,375 I can only find the crispy ones you use for the dogs. 136 00:07:54,375 --> 00:07:56,167 It's like drying myself on a Weetabix. 137 00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:57,319 OK, well, give me a minute. 138 00:07:57,319 --> 00:08:00,583 I'll just pop down to Harrods and purchase you a cashmere bath sheet. 139 00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:01,863 Oh, Julia! 140 00:08:01,863 --> 00:08:06,343 No, because I live to serve and I just have all this to do, all this! 141 00:08:06,343 --> 00:08:09,243 If you just give me nine hours to spirit up Christmas, 142 00:08:09,243 --> 00:08:11,591 and then I can dust off my towel loom 143 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:15,123 and weave you one from the hair from a baby's arsehole! 144 00:08:15,123 --> 00:08:16,711 All right, Julia. 145 00:08:16,711 --> 00:08:46,023 I'll use one of the crispy ones, hm? 146 00:08:46,023 --> 00:08:50,055 OK, guys, I'm just popping out to kill myself! 147 00:08:50,055 --> 00:08:51,975 I would put my head in the oven, 148 00:08:51,975 --> 00:08:56,163 but there's a turkey the size of a chubby toddler in there. 149 00:08:56,163 --> 00:09:00,295 See ya! 150 00:09:00,295 --> 00:09:04,135 Is my tea ready, Julia? 151 00:09:04,135 --> 00:09:06,375 Can't you just tether some reindeer to the front 152 00:09:06,375 --> 00:09:08,295 and drag your van to London? 153 00:09:08,295 --> 00:09:10,563 Yeah, it's hard to get reindeer roadside recovery 154 00:09:10,563 --> 00:09:12,647 at the best of times, let alone on Christmas Eve. 155 00:09:12,647 --> 00:09:16,231 You got my bloody hopes up. Well, look, if it's any consolation, 156 00:09:16,231 --> 00:09:18,727 it looks like I'll be spending my Christmas Day in a lay-by. 157 00:09:18,727 --> 00:09:21,863 KNOCKING Hold on. 158 00:09:21,863 --> 00:09:24,999 JULIA:Lizzie! Lizzie! 159 00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,855 I'll call you back. 160 00:09:26,855 --> 00:09:28,007 Yo! 161 00:09:28,007 --> 00:09:31,463 So I've run away from home so that we can go to Amanda's anal party. 162 00:09:31,463 --> 00:09:35,815 Oh, no, no!Yes. Please!No!Please! No, I'm not in the mood! 163 00:09:35,815 --> 00:09:38,823 Sam's not coming now, so I'm just going to start wallowing 164 00:09:38,823 --> 00:09:41,831 in my own shitty Shitmas without the kids and watch Hereditary again. 165 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,135 Please, Lizzie!No!I just really... 166 00:09:44,135 --> 00:09:47,463 I want to go somewhere where I don't have to tidy up or pay! Please! 167 00:09:47,463 --> 00:09:50,215 If you're a good girl, I'll give you a big snog under the mistletoe. 168 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:55,207 PHONES CHIME 169 00:09:55,207 --> 00:09:59,111 JULIA CHUCKLES 170 00:09:59,111 --> 00:10:02,567 I hate you! All right. 171 00:10:02,567 --> 00:10:05,575 It took me hours to build up my Minecraft Homestead. 172 00:10:05,575 --> 00:10:09,543 I had, like, a room for my horse, I had a couple of cows, 173 00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:12,743 I had a waterfall, then your Charlie joined the party, 174 00:10:12,743 --> 00:10:14,983 I showed him round, and he just went nuts 175 00:10:14,983 --> 00:10:17,927 and set fire to the annexe I'd made for the pigs, 176 00:10:17,927 --> 00:10:20,043 so I went to his place and did the same. 177 00:10:20,043 --> 00:10:23,047 Oh, put it away, Kev! You're not eight! 178 00:10:23,047 --> 00:10:25,863 Oh, dear! 179 00:10:25,863 --> 00:10:27,655 Do you think it's a Banksy? 180 00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:30,023 How disappointing! 181 00:10:30,023 --> 00:10:33,543 Who would do something so nasty? 182 00:10:33,543 --> 00:10:34,823 Was it you? 183 00:10:34,823 --> 00:10:38,919 I wouldn't use that font! 184 00:10:38,919 --> 00:10:50,183 Right, come on. We're going to miss all the real champagne. 185 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:54,983 Mm! 186 00:10:54,983 --> 00:10:58,055 Oh! Welcome, welcome! Shoes off, please. 187 00:10:58,055 --> 00:11:01,895 Oh, I have a fungal infection. Merry Christmas. 188 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,519 Gosh, Amanda, this is absolutely stunning!Yeah. 189 00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:06,723 It's actually for my Higa Tiga website shoot. 190 00:11:06,723 --> 00:11:09,483 Everything with a price tag is from my shop, and for sale. 191 00:11:09,483 --> 00:11:12,263 Oh, my God! That is absolutely mahoosive! 192 00:11:12,263 --> 00:11:15,527 Was that gifted by the people of Norway? 193 00:11:15,527 --> 00:11:16,935 No, actually, no. 194 00:11:16,935 --> 00:11:19,495 Now, if you have been to my dos before, 195 00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:21,483 you will know I have a strict schedule. 196 00:11:21,483 --> 00:11:24,615 Evil Santa's at seven followed by carols by scented candlelight. 197 00:11:24,615 --> 00:11:27,879 Anne is manning the bar, there is a patio area outside for mulled wine. 198 00:11:27,879 --> 00:11:29,735 Please, no dark drinks inside the house. 199 00:11:29,735 --> 00:11:31,335 Otherwise, kick back, have fun, guys! 200 00:11:31,335 --> 00:11:33,575 PHONE CHIMES 201 00:11:33,575 --> 00:11:36,603 Oh, my goodness! Those little sods! 202 00:11:36,603 --> 00:11:38,439 They've kidnapped my llamas! 203 00:11:38,439 --> 00:11:42,279 It's the pussy posse! And Kevin! 204 00:11:42,279 --> 00:11:43,687 And Kevin! 205 00:11:43,687 --> 00:11:45,363 Minecraft.Oh. 206 00:11:45,363 --> 00:11:46,923 Can you believe all this shit? 207 00:11:46,923 --> 00:11:48,743 I mean, who has a Christmas hippo? 208 00:11:48,743 --> 00:11:52,263 That hippo completely sums up why I fucking hate Christmas. 209 00:11:52,263 --> 00:11:56,295 Pornstar Martini, Pornstar Martini? Why is it called a Pornstar Martini? 210 00:11:56,295 --> 00:11:58,727 Because it relaxes your anus. Oh, God!Mmm! 211 00:11:58,727 --> 00:12:00,199 BELL RINGS 212 00:12:00,199 --> 00:12:04,615 Evil Santa time! 213 00:12:04,615 --> 00:12:08,647 OK. Sh-sh-sh! Everyone! OK. 214 00:12:08,647 --> 00:12:11,883 So, FYI, this is like a really fun take on Secret Santa - 215 00:12:11,883 --> 00:12:15,175 you get to swap your pressies if you don't like them, 216 00:12:15,175 --> 00:12:17,543 whether the other person wants to or not. 217 00:12:17,543 --> 00:12:22,343 Ouch! OK, so, has everyone put their pressies in?No. 218 00:12:22,343 --> 00:12:25,803 No-one told me about Evil Santa. Well, it was on the invite, Liz. 219 00:12:25,803 --> 00:12:27,975 I didn't get an invite.OK. 220 00:12:27,975 --> 00:12:32,455 I guess, just watch, but please don't try and join in. 221 00:12:32,455 --> 00:12:35,463 OK. 222 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:39,367 Bad luck if you get picked first. 223 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:43,207 Oh, that's me. Oh, well. 224 00:12:43,207 --> 00:12:49,735 What's it going to be? 225 00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:50,887 Oh! 226 00:12:50,887 --> 00:12:53,403 Oh, what's that? 227 00:12:53,403 --> 00:12:55,111 Oh! 228 00:12:55,111 --> 00:12:57,927 A candle from Higa Tiga. 229 00:12:57,927 --> 00:13:00,295 Love it! Great. That worked out. 230 00:13:00,295 --> 00:13:04,647 I'm thrilled. OK, who is next? Who's it going to be? 231 00:13:04,647 --> 00:13:06,123 Anne.Oh! 232 00:13:06,123 --> 00:13:08,103 Come on, Anne! 233 00:13:08,103 --> 00:13:10,855 Have a look. Come on! 234 00:13:10,855 --> 00:13:15,847 Move it, move it! What is it? What is it? 235 00:13:15,847 --> 00:13:17,383 What is that?Oh, that's me. 236 00:13:17,383 --> 00:13:23,335 It's quarter of an onion - my in-laws brought it. 237 00:13:23,335 --> 00:13:26,163 Don't you dare swap that with my lovely candle! 238 00:13:26,163 --> 00:13:28,327 No.OK. Yeah. 239 00:13:28,327 --> 00:13:31,399 Well, yeah, I need a bit of onion for my bread sauce anyway, so... 240 00:13:31,399 --> 00:13:35,239 That's the spirit, Anne! Off you go! OK. Who's next? 241 00:13:35,239 --> 00:13:38,283 Let's have a look. Ooh! Julia, come along! 242 00:13:38,283 --> 00:13:42,363 Here we go! Come on. 243 00:13:42,363 --> 00:13:46,375 SHE LAUGHS 244 00:13:46,375 --> 00:13:49,767 Lemon squeezer.It's Lakeland.Hey? 245 00:13:49,767 --> 00:13:51,943 Don't you dare try and swap that for my lovely candle. 246 00:13:51,943 --> 00:13:54,183 Well, obviously, I will. I don't want a lemon squeezer. 247 00:13:54,183 --> 00:13:55,923 It's Lakeland.No!Yes. 248 00:13:55,923 --> 00:13:59,303 Julia, it's my party.But you said... You said that's the point. 249 00:13:59,303 --> 00:14:01,683 It's from my shop.You outlined at the beginning that... 250 00:14:01,683 --> 00:14:04,563 Sweetheart, you're embarrassing us. The clue's in the name, isn't it? 251 00:14:04,563 --> 00:14:09,095 Julia!So the candle.Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it! 252 00:14:09,095 --> 00:14:11,163 Thank you. 253 00:14:11,163 --> 00:14:14,883 Thanks, Anne. OK. Ah! Kevin! 254 00:14:14,883 --> 00:14:16,923 Where is Kevin? Kevin? 255 00:14:16,923 --> 00:14:19,591 I'll go and get him. Kevin? 256 00:14:19,591 --> 00:14:22,727 OK, I'll pop his name back in. Er... 257 00:14:22,727 --> 00:14:28,615 Claire!Yeah.Come on, Claire! 258 00:14:28,615 --> 00:14:32,403 DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH PLAYS 259 00:14:32,403 --> 00:14:38,087 Fucking hell! 260 00:14:38,087 --> 00:14:41,799 Oh, hey. Don't let me drink too much.How much is too much? 261 00:14:41,799 --> 00:14:44,103 Well, I need to stay on the right side of hungover 262 00:14:44,103 --> 00:14:45,575 to deal with tomorrow.Really? 263 00:14:45,575 --> 00:14:47,403 God, I thought your Christmas would be perfect. 264 00:14:47,403 --> 00:14:51,847 No, cos we always have Bill's ex-wife, Vivian, over. 265 00:14:51,847 --> 00:14:54,663 She's driving up from Salisbury tonight.Gosh! 266 00:14:54,663 --> 00:14:57,031 That sounds very grown-up and functional. 267 00:14:57,031 --> 00:15:00,963 No, it's shit because I stole her husband! 268 00:15:00,963 --> 00:15:04,007 Bill left her for me. 269 00:15:04,007 --> 00:15:06,375 And she's so fucking gracious about it. 270 00:15:06,375 --> 00:15:10,087 I'd rather deal with a hangover than Vivian's kind, forgiving face. 271 00:15:10,087 --> 00:15:14,055 OK, well, here's to your shitty functional Christmas, then. 272 00:15:14,055 --> 00:15:16,615 Get that down you. Chin-chin, dear! 273 00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:21,483 Kevin? 274 00:15:21,483 --> 00:15:25,203 This house is sapping any joy I had left in my soul. 275 00:15:25,203 --> 00:15:27,687 You know the toilet plays Ding Dong Merrily On High? 276 00:15:27,687 --> 00:15:30,183 Did you leave a yule log in it? I mean, who's it all for? 277 00:15:30,183 --> 00:15:32,423 It's for us so that we all know that Amanda's winning. 278 00:15:32,423 --> 00:15:33,723 It makes you want to volunteer 279 00:15:33,723 --> 00:15:35,687 at a homeless shelter or something, doesn't it? 280 00:15:35,687 --> 00:15:37,927 I definitely would if I didn't have the kids. 281 00:15:37,927 --> 00:15:39,527 And I was a nicer person. 282 00:15:39,527 --> 00:15:40,743 And I could be arsed. 283 00:15:40,743 --> 00:15:43,623 Right, who wants to have a snoop through Amanda's Christmas drawers? 284 00:15:43,623 --> 00:15:47,463 Ooh! Yeah. 285 00:15:47,463 --> 00:15:49,083 Ooh! 286 00:15:49,083 --> 00:15:50,535 Wow! 287 00:15:50,535 --> 00:15:53,351 I didn't know Amanda was related to Barbara Cartland.Oh! 288 00:15:53,351 --> 00:15:56,487 This is just the kind of bedroom I imagined losing my virginity in. 289 00:15:56,487 --> 00:15:59,687 Rather than the fourth storey of an NCP car park? 290 00:15:59,687 --> 00:16:03,015 Actually, it was a tent at the Reading Festival. 291 00:16:03,015 --> 00:16:04,323 I don't want to slut shame, 292 00:16:04,323 --> 00:16:06,727 but nothing says slag like mistletoe in a bedroom. 293 00:16:06,727 --> 00:16:10,503 Oh, my God! Kevin, what are you doing down there?! 294 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:11,847 Mein Kraft! 295 00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:13,255 I'm mid-raid, I'm mid-raid. 296 00:16:13,255 --> 00:16:15,431 Filthy little boy!Ho, ho, ho! 297 00:16:15,431 --> 00:16:18,695 Who wants a festive goblet of mulled wine? 298 00:16:18,695 --> 00:16:20,807 Meg, are you mad? Did you miss the memo?What? 299 00:16:20,807 --> 00:16:22,855 No dark drinks in the house! 300 00:16:22,855 --> 00:16:25,287 Really? Why?The carpet, woman! Oh, my God! 301 00:16:25,287 --> 00:16:28,443 Who does that? Why has she got a white carpet? 302 00:16:28,443 --> 00:16:30,535 I hate millimalism! Mizimalism...! 303 00:16:30,535 --> 00:16:32,967 Give it to me. I'll put it in the en-suite. 304 00:16:32,967 --> 00:16:34,951 OK, OK, OK, OK, OK. 305 00:16:34,951 --> 00:16:37,127 Ooh! 306 00:16:37,127 --> 00:16:40,903 Careful, Kevin!Oh, God! 307 00:16:40,903 --> 00:16:43,563 ALL: No! Ooh! 308 00:16:43,563 --> 00:16:44,935 MEG LAUGHS 309 00:16:44,935 --> 00:16:49,223 Oh, my God! 310 00:16:49,223 --> 00:16:50,823 Oh! 311 00:16:50,823 --> 00:16:54,535 Oh, my goodness! Oh, wow! 312 00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:55,943 Did you see that?Yeah! 313 00:16:55,943 --> 00:17:00,871 You were like a cat, Kevin. High five!Oh!Ooh! 314 00:17:00,871 --> 00:17:05,479 MEG LAUGHS LOUDLY 315 00:17:05,479 --> 00:17:08,295 Oh, my God, the carpet! Get some towels! Get some wet towels! 316 00:17:08,295 --> 00:17:11,175 Wet towels? That will just spread it.What do you put on blood? 317 00:17:11,175 --> 00:17:13,735 Is it vinegar?Flour, flour. White wine, white wine. 318 00:17:13,735 --> 00:17:16,487 We're not making a gravy, Kevin! Get some bicarbonate of soda! 319 00:17:16,487 --> 00:17:19,943 I'll check the kitchen.Get some toilet tissue. Tissue, tissue! 320 00:17:19,943 --> 00:17:22,887 I'm so sorry, so sorry.Don't you be sorry, it's Meg's fault. 321 00:17:22,887 --> 00:17:25,803 I'm sorry! 322 00:17:25,803 --> 00:17:28,839 It's like a crime scene. I think you've broken my nose. 323 00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:32,103 I think I'm going to be sick. I've definitely pissed myself.Got it? 324 00:17:32,103 --> 00:17:35,763 Got it. Right.Give it to me. 325 00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:41,255 Oh!Oh, sh...Dust yourself off, get it on the carpet. 326 00:17:41,255 --> 00:17:44,283 Get it on the carpet! 327 00:17:44,283 --> 00:17:46,503 Pat, pat, pat! Don't rub! Don't rub! 328 00:17:46,503 --> 00:17:49,127 Guys, come on, it's carol o'clock! 329 00:17:49,127 --> 00:17:50,855 Nothing. 330 00:17:50,855 --> 00:17:54,055 Oh, my God! 331 00:17:54,055 --> 00:17:56,883 Are you taking drugs? 332 00:17:56,883 --> 00:17:59,687 Yes. 333 00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:04,999 Yes, we've been sniffing cocaine. 334 00:18:04,999 --> 00:18:07,203 Would you like some? 335 00:18:07,203 --> 00:18:09,863 I know I seem pretty chill, and that's because I am, 336 00:18:09,863 --> 00:18:13,127 but there is a time and a place, guys, OK? 337 00:18:13,127 --> 00:18:15,723 Not cool. 338 00:18:15,723 --> 00:18:23,687 Not cool at all. 339 00:18:23,687 --> 00:18:30,215 And get out of my daughter's bedroom!OK.Yeah, OK, sorry, yeah. 340 00:18:30,215 --> 00:18:35,655 Oh! 341 00:18:35,655 --> 00:18:39,003 That'll do.Yeah. 342 00:18:39,003 --> 00:18:42,311 three French hens 343 00:18:42,311 --> 00:18:43,975 344 00:18:43,975 --> 00:18:48,775 345 00:18:48,775 --> 00:18:51,463 you take it out the fridge, 346 00:18:51,463 --> 00:18:53,255 and you cook it a smidge! 347 00:18:53,255 --> 00:18:54,363 Here we go. 348 00:18:54,363 --> 00:18:56,403 349 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,695 350 00:18:58,695 --> 00:19:01,127 baby Jesus' birthday 351 00:19:01,127 --> 00:19:02,791 352 00:19:02,791 --> 00:19:03,879 353 00:19:03,879 --> 00:19:08,359 OK, OK, and, on that note, thanks for coming, everyone, home time. 354 00:19:08,359 --> 00:19:12,007 No, no, no, no, no! I don't want to go home sober.You're not sober.OK. 355 00:19:12,007 --> 00:19:15,527 Do grab a panettone from the panettone pyramid. Anne, one. 356 00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:18,535 Anne, are you walking home with us, love?No, she's helping me clean up. 357 00:19:18,535 --> 00:19:23,079 No, I have things to do - I'm doing the bins.One, watch her. 358 00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:27,047 OK.Whoopsy!Anne, get the glass. 359 00:19:27,047 --> 00:19:29,287 That's lovely.OK.OK, wonderful. 360 00:19:29,287 --> 00:19:32,615 Good evening.I love you. That's so sweet. 361 00:19:32,615 --> 00:19:35,303 Thank you!Bye! 362 00:19:35,303 --> 00:19:37,223 Well, that was brilliant! 363 00:19:37,223 --> 00:19:39,207 I feel terrible about the stain. 364 00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:42,791 Everyone back to mine! It's Christmas Eve, Meg. 365 00:19:42,791 --> 00:19:45,863 Oh, come on, you flaky lightweights, just one more eggnog! 366 00:19:45,863 --> 00:19:47,783 So I don't have to face Bill's ex. 367 00:19:47,783 --> 00:19:49,831 It's only... SHE GASPS 368 00:19:49,831 --> 00:19:52,007 Why am I wearing two watches? 369 00:19:52,007 --> 00:19:53,415 What? 370 00:19:53,415 --> 00:19:54,887 No, no, no, no! 371 00:19:54,887 --> 00:19:56,523 Liz, can you call your child 372 00:19:56,523 --> 00:19:58,343 and tell him to stop raiding my homestead? 373 00:19:58,343 --> 00:20:00,263 He's going to burn it down and take all my gold! 374 00:20:00,263 --> 00:20:02,951 What's Charlie doing on Minecraft at this time of night? 375 00:20:02,951 --> 00:20:06,663 Whoa, whoa. What the bloody hell? Ooh, that's not cool. 376 00:20:06,663 --> 00:20:09,243 Oh, my God! Who would do such a thing? 377 00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:12,551 Kevin, we saw it earlier. What? And we didn't do anything? 378 00:20:12,551 --> 00:20:14,407 You were dicking about on Mein Kampf. 379 00:20:14,407 --> 00:20:18,055 Wait, wait, wait, we can't leave it up there - 380 00:20:18,055 --> 00:20:21,319 what if a kid sees it on Christmas morning? 381 00:20:21,319 --> 00:20:24,071 I don't care, Kevin! I've got a giblet gravy to make! 382 00:20:24,071 --> 00:20:27,783 No, no.Ugh!I'm all for free speech, but this is BS. 383 00:20:27,783 --> 00:20:29,447 And-and blasphemy. 384 00:20:29,447 --> 00:20:32,327 What do you want us to do, Kevin? Find some paint and paint over it? 385 00:20:32,327 --> 00:20:35,911 Exactly.Oh, my God. It's 9:10, Homebase is shut. 386 00:20:35,911 --> 00:20:40,683 That's just details, Liz. This is what Christmas is all about! 387 00:20:40,683 --> 00:20:44,807 It's parents all over the world preserving the magical lies 388 00:20:44,807 --> 00:20:48,483 we tell our kids to keep the spirit of Christmas alive! 389 00:20:48,483 --> 00:20:55,623 And I...I will not stand here and let this truth be told. 390 00:20:55,623 --> 00:20:57,287 Fine! 391 00:20:57,287 --> 00:20:58,567 Ugh! 392 00:20:58,567 --> 00:21:01,511 OK. OK, fine, Kevin. 393 00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:09,895 Where are we going to find some paint on Christmas Eve? 394 00:21:09,895 --> 00:21:11,815 Hold on. Why are there still people here? 395 00:21:11,815 --> 00:21:13,563 I thought they were all leaving. 396 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,975 Maybe there's been an accident or something. 397 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,791 Oh, for God's sake, Kevin. We've been had. 398 00:21:18,791 --> 00:21:23,463 We've been chucked out of a party I didn't even want to be at.Right. 399 00:21:23,463 --> 00:21:25,083 SHE KNOCKS 400 00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:28,455 We know you're in there, so open the door. 401 00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:32,043 SHE KNOCKS AGAIN Yoo-hoo! 402 00:21:32,043 --> 00:21:39,527 Jesus Christ! Um, nothing. I'm-I'm doing the bins. 403 00:21:39,527 --> 00:21:43,239 Hey. Er, their taxis didn't turn up. 404 00:21:43,239 --> 00:21:45,799 Bollocks! You wanted to thin your party out 405 00:21:45,799 --> 00:21:47,463 but didn't have the balls to tell us. 406 00:21:47,463 --> 00:21:48,963 This is my party. 407 00:21:48,963 --> 00:21:51,687 If I want to vibe on with my gal pals, that's my prerogative. 408 00:21:51,687 --> 00:21:54,311 So you lied, you just kicked us out into the snow. 409 00:21:54,311 --> 00:21:56,763 It's not snowing, Julia. I think you know what I mean. 410 00:21:56,763 --> 00:21:58,983 Is this really Christmas spirit, goodwill to all men, 411 00:21:58,983 --> 00:22:00,775 peace on Earth, pa-ruppa-pum-pum? 412 00:22:00,775 --> 00:22:06,023 Shame on you, shame on you and your one invite between three. 413 00:22:06,023 --> 00:22:07,563 Four.Four. 414 00:22:07,563 --> 00:22:11,591 You can have your big, showy-offy, Christmassy house. 415 00:22:11,591 --> 00:22:13,575 Christmas is not about your bibbles and bobbles, 416 00:22:13,575 --> 00:22:14,763 and your edible wreaths. 417 00:22:14,763 --> 00:22:18,963 It's not edible. 418 00:22:18,963 --> 00:22:22,983 It's about what is in there, and there's nothing in your there. 419 00:22:22,983 --> 00:22:26,567 You're like an empty husk, a mince pie with no mince. 420 00:22:26,567 --> 00:22:29,063 You're a dead Christmas with no heart! 421 00:22:29,063 --> 00:22:30,279 What? 422 00:22:30,279 --> 00:22:31,563 Goodnight, Julia. 423 00:22:31,563 --> 00:22:35,163 Whoa! Let's just roll back. Roll back. 424 00:22:35,163 --> 00:22:39,495 Somebody has scrawled, um, "Santa's not real" 425 00:22:39,495 --> 00:22:41,479 on the Living Nativity. 426 00:22:41,479 --> 00:22:43,463 What if a small child saw that?! 427 00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:46,343 Yes. So what we need is a ladder, some paint... 428 00:22:46,343 --> 00:22:49,735 What was it you said, Julia? A dead Christmas with no heart? 429 00:22:49,735 --> 00:22:53,063 Um, did I? Um... 430 00:22:53,063 --> 00:22:56,071 And now...you want my help? 431 00:22:56,071 --> 00:22:57,963 No, not me, not me. The children. 432 00:22:57,963 --> 00:23:00,167 They'll be wandering past that atrocity 433 00:23:00,167 --> 00:23:03,175 that says Santa's not bloody real! 434 00:23:03,175 --> 00:23:07,015 Is that an apology? 435 00:23:07,015 --> 00:23:13,323 If that's what you need, if that's what you need, then I'm sorry. 436 00:23:13,323 --> 00:23:15,527 How dare you! 437 00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:18,023 My Christmas does have heart. And, for your information, 438 00:23:18,023 --> 00:23:19,815 this year I wanted it to be especially special. 439 00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:21,863 It is my first time hosting without Johnny, 440 00:23:21,863 --> 00:23:23,911 and probably the last time in my lovely house, 441 00:23:23,911 --> 00:23:26,163 so I am so sorry I went to such a lot of effort for you all 442 00:23:26,163 --> 00:23:28,327 and I hope you're happy because you have ruined it! 443 00:23:28,327 --> 00:23:29,607 How did we ruin it? 444 00:23:29,607 --> 00:23:34,087 MEG:Tim-ber-r-r-r! 445 00:23:34,087 --> 00:23:35,495 MEG LAUGHS 446 00:23:35,495 --> 00:23:36,843 AMANDA GASPS 447 00:23:36,843 --> 00:23:40,487 Didn't anybody film that? 448 00:23:40,487 --> 00:23:42,407 Well, that's that, then. 449 00:23:42,407 --> 00:23:45,607 No! We can't lecture Amanda on Christmas spirit 450 00:23:45,607 --> 00:23:47,883 and not do something about this. 451 00:23:47,883 --> 00:23:52,455 Yeah, you did go a bit over the top with the whole pa-ruppa-pum-pum. 452 00:23:52,455 --> 00:23:54,567 METALLIC SCRAPING 453 00:23:54,567 --> 00:23:57,447 Oh, my God! Anne, you little beauty. KNOCKING ON WINDOW 454 00:23:57,447 --> 00:24:01,607 Don't you dare, Anne! Don't you dare, Anne! 455 00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:05,447 Go, go, go! 456 00:24:05,447 --> 00:24:07,495 I am calling your husband! 457 00:24:07,495 --> 00:24:10,823 Right, let's get this Christmas back on feckin' track. 458 00:24:10,823 --> 00:24:12,963 Where's Meg, the lazy bugger? 459 00:24:12,963 --> 00:24:15,495 Oh, God. I hope she's not gone in with the donkey. 460 00:24:15,495 --> 00:24:16,923 Can't abide donkeys. 461 00:24:16,923 --> 00:24:19,143 I got bit on a school trip to Skerries. 462 00:24:19,143 --> 00:24:22,023 I was feeding one a fruit pastille and it bit me under the nipple. 463 00:24:22,023 --> 00:24:23,175 Ooh, Anne! 464 00:24:23,175 --> 00:24:27,271 The priest lifted up my T-shirt to check the bruise. 465 00:24:27,271 --> 00:24:31,303 It's ironic, because actually, Anne is French for donkey. 466 00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,823 Why's that ironic, Kevin?Well, it's interesting, then, it's... 467 00:24:34,823 --> 00:24:36,843 It's just an interesting detail. 468 00:24:36,843 --> 00:24:38,407 I think the interesting detail 469 00:24:38,407 --> 00:24:40,683 is that after a donkey bit Anne on the nipple, 470 00:24:40,683 --> 00:24:43,563 she got molested by a priest. 471 00:24:43,563 --> 00:24:47,687 Hey, guys, come here and look at this! 472 00:24:47,687 --> 00:24:50,055 Aww! That's nice and cosy. 473 00:24:50,055 --> 00:24:53,831 God love her.Aww. 474 00:24:53,831 --> 00:24:56,903 Wake the fuck up! 475 00:24:56,903 --> 00:25:05,043 O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL PLAYS 476 00:25:05,043 --> 00:25:09,063 Nothing like the smell of fresh emulsion to see in Christmas Day. 477 00:25:09,063 --> 00:25:10,683 Still got a toilet to unblock 478 00:25:10,683 --> 00:25:15,207 and three massive bags of potatoes to peel. 479 00:25:15,207 --> 00:25:19,303 480 00:25:19,303 --> 00:25:27,815 of heaven above 481 00:25:27,815 --> 00:25:35,523 482 00:25:35,523 --> 00:25:39,079 483 00:25:39,079 --> 00:25:40,743 484 00:25:40,743 --> 00:25:42,535 485 00:25:42,535 --> 00:25:44,327 486 00:25:44,327 --> 00:25:45,991 487 00:25:45,991 --> 00:25:49,255 SINGING HIGH MELODY: 488 00:25:49,255 --> 00:25:54,247 489 00:25:54,247 --> 00:25:56,615 It's nice of her to turn up when we've nearly finished. 490 00:25:56,615 --> 00:25:59,883 At the end of the day, I can forgive you for the negging, 491 00:25:59,883 --> 00:26:02,695 for the petty theft and the desecration of my penguin tableau - 492 00:26:02,695 --> 00:26:04,423 I know that was you, Liz - 493 00:26:04,423 --> 00:26:07,203 but what I can't forgive... She's seen the carpet. 494 00:26:07,203 --> 00:26:08,455 ..is myself, 495 00:26:08,455 --> 00:26:11,847 for not rolling up my sleeves and saving goddamn Christmas. 496 00:26:11,847 --> 00:26:15,003 Because this isn't about us. 497 00:26:15,003 --> 00:26:22,087 It's about the kids. 498 00:26:22,087 --> 00:26:25,735 Budge up, Anne. 499 00:26:25,735 --> 00:26:28,103 Kev, would you get a photo of this for my Insta? 500 00:26:28,103 --> 00:26:35,463 SOLO CHORISTER: 501 00:26:35,463 --> 00:26:44,103 502 00:26:44,103 --> 00:26:51,483 503 00:26:51,483 --> 00:27:00,487 504 00:27:00,487 --> 00:27:08,167 505 00:27:08,167 --> 00:27:19,495 506 00:27:19,495 --> 00:27:27,879 CHOIR: from heaven 507 00:27:27,879 --> 00:27:33,963 508 00:27:33,963 --> 00:27:37,323 CAR HORN BEEPS 509 00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:46,567 510 00:27:46,567 --> 00:27:55,463 511 00:27:55,463 --> 00:28:05,063 512 00:28:05,063 --> 00:28:16,583 our saviour holy... 513 00:28:16,583 --> 00:28:20,043 I'm sorry I stole your husband, Vivian. 514 00:28:20,043 --> 00:28:29,191 515 00:28:29,191 --> 00:28:37,923 516 00:28:37,923 --> 00:28:46,599 his children crowned 517 00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:51,243 518 00:28:51,243 --> 00:29:01,703