1
00:00:01,127 --> 00:00:02,920
They wanna make
a movie of our podcast?
2
00:00:02,921 --> 00:00:04,004
Paramount?
3
00:00:04,005 --> 00:00:05,881
They wanna fly us all out to LA
4
00:00:05,882 --> 00:00:07,091
for some meeting next week.
5
00:00:07,092 --> 00:00:09,343
- I'm Eva Longoria.
- I'm Eugene Levy?
6
00:00:09,344 --> 00:00:11,512
- I'm...
- Oliver, this is Zach Galifi...
7
00:00:11,513 --> 00:00:13,806
Oh, yes! Zach Galifragilistic.
8
00:00:13,807 --> 00:00:15,141
I'm out. I'm done.
9
00:00:15,475 --> 00:00:18,811
Are we sure that the killer was
after Ben, and not you, Charles?
10
00:00:18,812 --> 00:00:19,895
What?
11
00:00:19,896 --> 00:00:21,480
I've been gettin' some vibes.
12
00:00:21,481 --> 00:00:23,274
I also have my ham radio,
13
00:00:23,275 --> 00:00:26,735
and there's chatter of people
wishing it was you instead of Ben.
14
00:00:26,736 --> 00:00:29,154
It's been a week,
and Sazz's Bulgarian left shoulder
15
00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:30,823
and knee are still in that incinerator.
16
00:00:30,824 --> 00:00:32,365
Hello, Charles.
17
00:00:33,451 --> 00:00:35,077
I broke out
because I'm worried about Sazz.
18
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:37,538
She said she thought
someone had eyes on you.
19
00:00:37,539 --> 00:00:39,415
She was looking
into someone who lives here?
20
00:00:39,416 --> 00:00:42,209
She said she thought there might
be another murderer in the building.
21
00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:43,419
The Westies.
22
00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:46,005
We've met everybody
except for Christmas Guy
23
00:00:46,006 --> 00:00:48,757
and whoever's in that place
with the lockbox on it?
24
00:00:48,758 --> 00:00:50,800
Oh, um, that's the Dudenoff place.
25
00:00:50,927 --> 00:00:52,386
Dudenoff?
26
00:00:52,387 --> 00:00:53,722
Oh, goody. It works.
27
00:00:53,847 --> 00:00:55,222
♪
28
00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:56,891
This must be the sniper's nest.
29
00:00:56,892 --> 00:00:59,268
- A ham radio.
- Is this tinsel?
30
00:00:59,269 --> 00:01:02,021
Oliver! He's so cute.
31
00:01:02,022 --> 00:01:03,772
Oh! The pig's loose!
32
00:01:03,773 --> 00:01:05,984
We worked together almost 40 years.
33
00:01:06,693 --> 00:01:08,652
We'd come to the most
dangerous part of the scene.
34
00:01:08,653 --> 00:01:10,988
Did she write a message with her blood?
35
00:01:10,989 --> 00:01:12,197
And then Sazz would say...
36
00:01:12,198 --> 00:01:13,616
- Tap in.
- ..."Tap in."
37
00:01:13,617 --> 00:01:15,492
Charles, do you know what that means?
38
00:01:15,493 --> 00:01:17,871
Yes. I do.
39
00:01:32,844 --> 00:01:35,346
I once had
an acting teacher who said,
40
00:01:35,347 --> 00:01:39,392
"Finding your character is a lot
like a detective finding a killer."
41
00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:44,605
His thinking went
you build this character piece by piece.
42
00:01:44,606 --> 00:01:46,107
What are their physical qualities?
43
00:01:48,693 --> 00:01:50,612
Their skills or special talents?
44
00:01:53,448 --> 00:01:55,033
Their motivations?
45
00:01:56,743 --> 00:01:58,745
♪
46
00:02:09,881 --> 00:02:13,342
You keep doing that, asking
and answering a million questions,
47
00:02:13,343 --> 00:02:16,136
until there's only one person
48
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:19,223
in the whole world
who fits that description.
49
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,645
Your character.
50
00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:27,356
Anyway, that's obviously bullshit.
51
00:02:27,357 --> 00:02:30,819
As a proud Greek man, presumably
descended from Thespis himself,
52
00:02:32,028 --> 00:02:33,737
trust me when I say
53
00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:35,824
acting is easy.
54
00:02:41,663 --> 00:02:43,039
Close the door.
55
00:02:44,583 --> 00:02:46,041
Alright, so I'm gonna
say this really quick
56
00:02:46,042 --> 00:02:48,497
'cause I'm not supposed to be here.
It's not even public yet.
57
00:02:48,503 --> 00:02:50,588
And I really need you guys to know
that at the end of the day...
58
00:02:50,589 --> 00:02:53,924
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
Detective, are you helping us right now?
59
00:02:53,925 --> 00:02:55,009
Come on, cut that shit out!
60
00:02:55,010 --> 00:02:56,594
Just stay focused.
I'm trying to talk to you.
61
00:02:56,595 --> 00:02:58,721
Do you like us? She totally likes us.
62
00:02:58,722 --> 00:03:00,347
If she ever did, she doesn't now.
63
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:03,392
Thank you, Mora.
The feds are now on the case.
64
00:03:03,393 --> 00:03:06,437
They don't want me involved,
that's fine. But the least I can do
65
00:03:06,438 --> 00:03:08,856
is feed you idiots
some useful information. So...
66
00:03:08,857 --> 00:03:10,190
- She likes us.
- She totally likes us.
67
00:03:10,191 --> 00:03:12,234
Can I just talk, please?
68
00:03:12,235 --> 00:03:14,737
I wanna do a little cop
monologue right now, okay?
69
00:03:14,738 --> 00:03:16,989
Let's all just pretend
we're on Law and Order,
70
00:03:16,990 --> 00:03:19,283
and I'm Olivia Benson.
Can I have my moment?
71
00:03:19,284 --> 00:03:21,660
- Yes, absolutely.
- Of course. Or Aristotle Brazzos.
72
00:03:21,661 --> 00:03:23,621
I... I don't... I don't
know what that is.
73
00:03:23,622 --> 00:03:25,956
So,
74
00:03:25,957 --> 00:03:28,459
the feds think that Jan
has something to do with this.
75
00:03:28,460 --> 00:03:31,754
Now, of course, she hadn't escaped yet,
but they're thinking she hired someone,
76
00:03:31,755 --> 00:03:34,131
and they're suspecting
that she's gone to Florida
77
00:03:34,132 --> 00:03:36,926
because there's a shit ton of
orchestras and sex toy shops.
78
00:03:36,927 --> 00:03:39,595
The shooter, very good.
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00:03:39,596 --> 00:03:41,972
A single .300 Win Mag casing was found
80
00:03:41,973 --> 00:03:44,350
in the West Tower in apartment 14F,
81
00:03:44,351 --> 00:03:47,019
belonging to a tenant
by the name of M. Dudenoff,
82
00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:48,103
retired professor,
83
00:03:48,104 --> 00:03:50,064
who the neighbors
are conveniently saying
84
00:03:50,065 --> 00:03:52,191
he's not in town. He's in Portugal.
85
00:03:52,192 --> 00:03:53,525
Well, that's suspicious.
86
00:03:53,526 --> 00:03:56,779
Exactly. That's what I said, Mora.
That's really fucking suspicious
87
00:03:56,780 --> 00:03:59,657
'cause who in the absolute fuck
would wanna go to Portugal
88
00:03:59,658 --> 00:04:01,951
when you got Spain? Right?
89
00:04:01,952 --> 00:04:03,327
I digress.
90
00:04:03,328 --> 00:04:05,955
Neighbors are busy playing card games
when they hear the gunshot,
91
00:04:05,956 --> 00:04:09,124
except for one tenant.
92
00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:11,001
Rudy Thurber.
93
00:04:11,002 --> 00:04:13,337
He's like some
Christmas freak or something.
94
00:04:13,338 --> 00:04:14,964
You know the types who are like,
"Oh, my God,
95
00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:17,800
it's 364 sleeps until Christmas."
That kinda guy.
96
00:04:17,801 --> 00:04:19,343
What is key to note,
97
00:04:19,344 --> 00:04:21,845
Sazz's phone has been turned off,
98
00:04:21,846 --> 00:04:24,682
but we are reviewing
the CCTV in that area.
99
00:04:24,683 --> 00:04:27,309
Alright, that's my whole thing. So now,
100
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:30,480
please feel free to ask
what other questions you have.
101
00:04:31,982 --> 00:04:34,233
You really don't know Aristotle Brazzos?
102
00:04:34,234 --> 00:04:36,110
I just did all of that,
and that's all you got?
103
00:04:36,111 --> 00:04:39,363
Well, i-it doesn't matter.
The feds... feds have it wrong.
104
00:04:39,364 --> 00:04:41,532
Jan didn't kill Sazz.
You have to trust me on that.
105
00:04:41,533 --> 00:04:43,701
I do. I just...
106
00:04:43,702 --> 00:04:46,495
I don't know if Sazz was the target.
107
00:04:48,206 --> 00:04:50,374
W-Well, be honest.
Do you think someone over there
108
00:04:50,375 --> 00:04:52,710
could hate me enough to try and kill me?
109
00:04:52,711 --> 00:04:54,211
Don't make her answer that.
110
00:04:54,212 --> 00:04:57,841
Look, if this is the part
where you tell us not to investigate,
111
00:04:58,425 --> 00:04:59,675
you're wasting your time.
112
00:04:59,676 --> 00:05:02,636
Yeah, I know.
After three seasons, I got that.
113
00:05:02,637 --> 00:05:05,514
Well, even if I was the target,
114
00:05:05,515 --> 00:05:08,434
I still have to solve this for Sazz.
115
00:05:08,435 --> 00:05:09,727
I'm tapping in.
116
00:05:09,728 --> 00:05:11,687
What are you even talking about?
117
00:05:11,688 --> 00:05:13,772
This is serious shit here now! Focus...
118
00:05:13,773 --> 00:05:15,566
Oh, my God!
119
00:05:15,567 --> 00:05:17,318
Well...
120
00:05:17,319 --> 00:05:20,529
I guess this sends the investigation
into a...
121
00:05:20,530 --> 00:05:22,741
whole new direction.
122
00:05:23,742 --> 00:05:27,453
That's Aristotle Brazzos. From Brazzos.
The show I was on.
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00:06:21,132 --> 00:06:24,385
Well, hello, Hollywood A-listers!
124
00:06:24,386 --> 00:06:28,264
What are you doing here?
I promise I won't leak it to the trades.
125
00:06:28,265 --> 00:06:30,432
We celebrities value our privacy.
126
00:06:30,433 --> 00:06:33,435
The Brothers Sisters thought it'd be a
good idea if we followed you for a day.
127
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,187
You know, do a character study.
128
00:06:35,188 --> 00:06:37,273
I did the same thing on Boss Baby 2.
129
00:06:37,274 --> 00:06:39,358
I shadowed a baby. Yeah.
130
00:06:39,359 --> 00:06:40,943
And we still text every day.
131
00:06:40,944 --> 00:06:42,152
Oh, I love it.
132
00:06:42,153 --> 00:06:45,364
Zach! You want to come learn
more about Oliver Putnam?
133
00:06:45,365 --> 00:06:46,991
Study at the foot of the master?
134
00:06:46,992 --> 00:06:49,910
That's right. So much to learn.
135
00:06:49,911 --> 00:06:53,497
Definitely didn't take this job
just thinking it would be easy money.
136
00:06:53,498 --> 00:06:56,375
Now, personally,
I was pushing for one more day,
137
00:06:56,376 --> 00:06:59,128
just a little more time
to take a deep dive
138
00:06:59,129 --> 00:07:01,797
into this complex man.
139
00:07:01,798 --> 00:07:04,592
Eugene, you realize
you're playing Charles, right?
140
00:07:04,593 --> 00:07:06,427
Hey, twin.
141
00:07:06,428 --> 00:07:08,470
I've been practicing my Mabel.
142
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:11,640
Uh, look, n-now's not a good time.
143
00:07:11,641 --> 00:07:13,017
There's been another murder.
144
00:07:13,018 --> 00:07:15,769
Yay! Oh!
145
00:07:15,770 --> 00:07:18,606
Forget the character study.
We're gonna solve a murder today?
146
00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:20,774
- Oh, I'm gonna get us some snacks.
- Not you.
147
00:07:22,235 --> 00:07:23,777
Galifianakis?
148
00:07:23,778 --> 00:07:25,946
That scrumptious fuckable baklava
149
00:07:25,947 --> 00:07:28,490
is portraying you in a movie?
150
00:07:28,491 --> 00:07:31,285
Oh no, that is all wrong.
That's so messed up!
151
00:07:31,286 --> 00:07:35,039
I didn't realize you were on
a Mediterranean diet, Detective.
152
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:37,333
- Would you like me to make an intro?
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
153
00:07:37,334 --> 00:07:38,918
I'm not ready, I'm not ready. But,
154
00:07:38,919 --> 00:07:42,171
if anything happens to
that delicious little man,
155
00:07:42,172 --> 00:07:43,464
I'll kill you myself.
156
00:07:43,465 --> 00:07:45,424
Don't fuck with my Zach pass.
157
00:07:45,425 --> 00:07:47,301
Obviously, the actors can't stay.
158
00:07:47,302 --> 00:07:49,720
No! This is a murder investigation,
159
00:07:49,721 --> 00:07:52,848
not some acting
exercise for Eva Longoria.
160
00:07:52,849 --> 00:07:56,101
- Charles is still in danger.
- Yeah, bu... just hear me out.
161
00:07:56,102 --> 00:07:58,979
You get one shot at a biopic.
162
00:07:58,980 --> 00:08:01,982
Maybe two if you're someone special
like Marilyn Monroe
163
00:08:01,983 --> 00:08:03,442
or Jeffrey Dahmer,
164
00:08:03,443 --> 00:08:06,987
and the first 24 hours of
character study are the most crucial.
165
00:08:06,988 --> 00:08:10,866
I need Zach Galifianakis to fall in love
with his character today.
166
00:08:13,745 --> 00:08:15,496
Okay, well you've been outvoted.
167
00:08:15,497 --> 00:08:17,831
Charles, you get it.
You were an actor once.
168
00:08:17,832 --> 00:08:20,376
Don't you want Eugene Levy
to learn the real you?
169
00:08:20,377 --> 00:08:23,128
Me? The unlikeable guy
that everyone wants to kill?
170
00:08:23,129 --> 00:08:25,422
No, thanks. And my ego isn't so delicate
171
00:08:25,423 --> 00:08:27,633
that I need random validation
172
00:08:27,634 --> 00:08:30,010
from a... Emmy award-winning actor.
173
00:08:30,011 --> 00:08:31,512
Charles?
174
00:08:31,513 --> 00:08:33,472
The History of Wood?
175
00:08:33,473 --> 00:08:35,933
Looks and brains?
176
00:08:35,934 --> 00:08:39,020
Eugene, you have big shoes to fill.
177
00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:42,022
You know,
178
00:08:42,023 --> 00:08:45,610
- maybe the actors could be helpful.
- Yes!
179
00:08:47,028 --> 00:08:48,028
What?
180
00:08:48,029 --> 00:08:49,613
♪
181
00:08:54,119 --> 00:08:55,829
We stare at boxes,
182
00:08:56,830 --> 00:08:59,707
wondering what it must feel like
to have an apartment of our own.
183
00:08:59,708 --> 00:09:02,835
A feeling of permanence
for once in our life.
184
00:09:02,836 --> 00:09:04,879
What? No.
185
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,547
- And stop saying "we."
- Hmm.
186
00:09:06,548 --> 00:09:08,257
That's where the shot was fired,
187
00:09:08,258 --> 00:09:10,926
and anyone on that floor could've used
the code to get in.
188
00:09:10,927 --> 00:09:12,637
Mm...
189
00:09:13,138 --> 00:09:15,473
I'm sorry, are you drinking
at 10 in the morning?
190
00:09:15,891 --> 00:09:17,141
Yeah, I'm getting into character.
191
00:09:17,142 --> 00:09:19,059
I don't drink at 10 in the morning.
192
00:09:19,060 --> 00:09:21,061
No, my Mabel does.
193
00:09:21,062 --> 00:09:23,564
- She's a tableau of vices.
- Alright.
194
00:09:23,565 --> 00:09:26,859
Williams said the bullet was
a Winchester .300 Magnum.
195
00:09:26,860 --> 00:09:30,905
Developed in the '60s, it remains the
most popular cartridge among hunters.
196
00:09:30,906 --> 00:09:32,740
I learned that on Brazzos.
197
00:09:32,741 --> 00:09:35,534
I know, I know. Episode 403,
198
00:09:35,535 --> 00:09:37,329
A Lady and Her Luger.
199
00:09:38,330 --> 00:09:40,332
So, our killer is a hunter.
200
00:09:42,125 --> 00:09:45,002
Little did they know that the hunter
201
00:09:45,003 --> 00:09:48,131
was about to become the hunted.
202
00:09:49,841 --> 00:09:51,508
- Zach, are you getting this?
- Oh yeah.
203
00:09:51,509 --> 00:09:53,385
Say a hacky joke
every couple of minutes,
204
00:09:53,386 --> 00:09:56,013
something, something, Zsa Zsa Gabor.
205
00:09:56,014 --> 00:09:59,683
- Lotta nuance.
- Y-You certainly have my wit.
206
00:09:59,684 --> 00:10:03,729
How could anyone hate this American icon
enough to wanna try and kill him?
207
00:10:03,730 --> 00:10:05,397
It boggles the mind.
208
00:10:05,398 --> 00:10:07,983
Oh, it's really quite simple.
If you ever saw him consume
209
00:10:07,984 --> 00:10:10,737
a plate of peel-and-eat shrimp,
you'd get it.
210
00:10:11,321 --> 00:10:14,490
A bullet that size
would have a bit of kick.
211
00:10:14,491 --> 00:10:17,952
So, is that eye patch covering
antibiotic-resistant pink eye
212
00:10:17,953 --> 00:10:21,914
or a bruise from the recoil of a gun?
213
00:10:21,915 --> 00:10:24,416
Okay, well, I've heard enough.
214
00:10:24,417 --> 00:10:26,878
We have our killer!
215
00:10:28,088 --> 00:10:30,005
My Mabel's confident.
216
00:10:30,006 --> 00:10:33,759
Okay, uh, please don't ever
touch my murder board.
217
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:37,638
We met Vince. There's no way
he's strong enough to carry Sazz's body.
218
00:10:37,639 --> 00:10:39,431
Rudy Thurber, on the other hand,
219
00:10:39,432 --> 00:10:42,393
"Christmas All the Time Guy,"
he's pretty jacked.
220
00:10:42,394 --> 00:10:44,771
Mm-hmm, I've heard enough.
221
00:10:45,605 --> 00:10:47,815
We have our killer.
222
00:10:47,816 --> 00:10:50,026
My Mabel can admit when she's wrong.
223
00:10:50,569 --> 00:10:53,404
Charles, does this man
have any reason to hate you?
224
00:10:53,405 --> 00:10:54,572
No!
225
00:10:54,573 --> 00:10:56,741
Well, maybe the Christmas tree thing.
226
00:10:58,702 --> 00:11:01,453
I got everyone to sign a petition
banning real Christmas trees.
227
00:11:01,454 --> 00:11:03,914
They're a fire hazard.
228
00:11:03,915 --> 00:11:05,332
They are that.
229
00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,251
But who would kill someone
over something like that?
230
00:11:07,252 --> 00:11:10,337
Someone whose whole
identity is loving Christmas.
231
00:11:10,338 --> 00:11:12,590
Okay, but he was out of town
the night Sazz was killed.
232
00:11:12,591 --> 00:11:15,175
Or was he? We found this
233
00:11:15,176 --> 00:11:16,969
by the window at Dudenoff's.
234
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:19,471
It kind of looks like Christmas tinsel.
235
00:11:19,472 --> 00:11:22,057
That could place Rudy here
that night after all.
236
00:11:22,058 --> 00:11:24,644
Yes! Yes.
237
00:11:25,145 --> 00:11:27,855
- Killer!
- Again with the touching.
238
00:11:27,856 --> 00:11:31,442
"Ooh! Looks like Rudy the Red Hot
Reindeer has been caught red-handed!"
239
00:11:31,443 --> 00:11:33,068
Something, something, Bea Arthur.
240
00:11:34,487 --> 00:11:36,323
I still vote Vince Fish.
241
00:11:40,827 --> 00:11:43,370
Why choose? We can divide and conquer.
242
00:11:43,371 --> 00:11:45,748
Uh, you and Eugene go and see Vince,
243
00:11:45,749 --> 00:11:48,542
and Mabel and Eva visit Rudy.
244
00:11:48,543 --> 00:11:50,669
Alright! I'm gonna go fire my agent
and visit my kids.
245
00:11:50,670 --> 00:11:52,964
- Thanks, everybody!
- No! I mean...
246
00:11:54,090 --> 00:11:57,551
No. Y-You and I have something very
important to do back at my apartment.
247
00:11:57,552 --> 00:11:58,720
Um...
248
00:12:00,096 --> 00:12:02,890
Uh, monitor this ham radio
that we got from Dudenoff's.
249
00:12:02,891 --> 00:12:05,226
And...
250
00:12:05,227 --> 00:12:08,479
should you fall in love with me
because of my relentless charm assault,
251
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:12,024
then that's okay, too. Let's...
252
00:12:19,908 --> 00:12:22,869
Pink eye?
Or the bruise from the recoil of a gun?
253
00:12:23,912 --> 00:12:26,039
How to get an eye patch off?
254
00:12:26,456 --> 00:12:29,376
How to get an eye patch off?
255
00:12:30,961 --> 00:12:32,253
I got it.
256
00:12:32,254 --> 00:12:33,963
I got it.
257
00:12:34,965 --> 00:12:37,925
You ask for a glass of water.
I tell a great joke.
258
00:12:37,926 --> 00:12:40,678
You do a spit take.
You spray water all over his face.
259
00:12:40,679 --> 00:12:42,596
And then, when he's...
when he's drying his face,
260
00:12:42,597 --> 00:12:45,308
he's forced to remove the eye patch.
261
00:12:46,810 --> 00:12:49,228
That's one of the stupidest things
I've ever come out with.
262
00:12:49,229 --> 00:12:51,772
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Charles. I'm...
263
00:12:51,773 --> 00:12:53,816
still a little nervous.
264
00:12:53,817 --> 00:12:55,234
I'm nervous playing you.
265
00:12:55,235 --> 00:12:57,903
- I get it. It's a challenge.
- 'Cause, you know,
266
00:12:57,904 --> 00:13:00,531
I've only played the dullest pencils
in the drawer
267
00:13:00,532 --> 00:13:04,118
'cause I thought they were the funniest,
but you're not funny.
268
00:13:04,119 --> 00:13:06,996
I mean, yeah, you do have
a dull pencil quality about you,
269
00:13:06,997 --> 00:13:09,456
but what you did with Brazzos...
270
00:13:09,457 --> 00:13:13,210
I mean, you know, th-th-the
fearlessness, the complexity.
271
00:13:13,211 --> 00:13:15,713
I used to say to myself,
"Am I watching a TV show,
272
00:13:15,714 --> 00:13:19,216
or am I watching a doctorate-level
physics class?"
273
00:13:19,217 --> 00:13:21,760
Oh, stop!
274
00:13:21,761 --> 00:13:23,554
Unless you had more to say.
275
00:13:23,555 --> 00:13:25,347
No, I think that was it.
276
00:13:25,348 --> 00:13:27,808
I'm nervous, you're fearless...
277
00:13:27,809 --> 00:13:29,394
No, that was it.
278
00:13:33,023 --> 00:13:34,608
I got it.
279
00:13:35,358 --> 00:13:37,402
I know how to get that eye patch off.
280
00:13:39,696 --> 00:13:41,697
Hey, slow down, slow down!
What's the plan?
281
00:13:41,698 --> 00:13:42,990
How do we approach Rudy?
282
00:13:42,991 --> 00:13:46,327
What do we do, tackle him?
Accuse him? Watch him squirm?
283
00:13:46,328 --> 00:13:48,370
I'd like to stay away
from sexual manipulation.
284
00:13:48,371 --> 00:13:50,956
I mean, I'm not closed off to it
because I'm good at it. But...
285
00:13:50,957 --> 00:13:54,919
Okay, "Mabel." I think there's
been a misunderstanding here.
286
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,546
Oh, hey, are we attached to "Mabel"?
287
00:13:57,547 --> 00:13:59,340
I'd say so.
288
00:13:59,341 --> 00:14:02,635
It's just such an old person name,
which we are not.
289
00:14:02,636 --> 00:14:05,846
So, I think we can do better.
What about, um...
290
00:14:05,847 --> 00:14:08,766
Mabél?
291
00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:11,810
Yes. Yes!
It's giving elusive.
292
00:14:11,811 --> 00:14:14,230
It's giving mysterious. It's giving,
293
00:14:14,231 --> 00:14:16,398
"Where are you from,
and can I go there?"
294
00:14:16,399 --> 00:14:18,652
Bayport, Long Island, and no.
295
00:14:19,027 --> 00:14:23,072
Oliver and I found this tinsel
in the sniper's nest.
296
00:14:23,073 --> 00:14:25,824
So I need to go to Rudy's
and see if it matches
297
00:14:25,825 --> 00:14:28,285
any of the tinsel there
without tipping him off.
298
00:14:28,286 --> 00:14:31,873
What? We're just gonna go snoop
on the Christmas freak? Ugh!
299
00:14:32,540 --> 00:14:35,042
God, we are young women of action.
300
00:14:35,043 --> 00:14:37,920
I say we go there
and press his Christmas buttons
301
00:14:37,921 --> 00:14:39,964
and provoke him until he confesses.
302
00:14:39,965 --> 00:14:42,007
Or... he could kill us because,
303
00:14:42,008 --> 00:14:44,594
I don't know, he might be a killer.
304
00:14:45,262 --> 00:14:46,637
Do you wanna know about Mabel?
305
00:14:46,638 --> 00:14:48,014
Mm.
306
00:14:48,557 --> 00:14:49,933
Mabel works alone.
307
00:14:51,059 --> 00:14:52,310
Fine.
308
00:14:52,769 --> 00:14:55,272
Mabél doesn't stay
where she's not wanted.
309
00:14:56,398 --> 00:14:59,400
It's Mabel!
310
00:14:59,401 --> 00:15:01,236
What?
311
00:15:07,409 --> 00:15:09,285
Zach?
312
00:15:09,286 --> 00:15:12,580
Um, I feel we got off on the wrong foot.
313
00:15:12,581 --> 00:15:14,957
- Can we start over?
- Yeah.
314
00:15:14,958 --> 00:15:18,335
My ass is looking good...
Look at that.
315
00:15:18,336 --> 00:15:21,297
I see you've mastered my morning mantra.
316
00:15:21,298 --> 00:15:23,966
We Putnams are known
for our dump trucks.
317
00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:27,011
No wonder they cast you.
318
00:15:27,012 --> 00:15:31,056
So, what I like to do
is work from the outside in.
319
00:15:31,057 --> 00:15:34,476
What would the character wear?
How do their clothes make you feel?
320
00:15:34,477 --> 00:15:36,478
I'm more of an inside-out guy.
321
00:15:36,479 --> 00:15:39,189
I read the inside of the script,
322
00:15:39,190 --> 00:15:41,692
and then I say the words
outside of my mouth.
323
00:15:41,693 --> 00:15:42,902
Ah.
324
00:15:42,903 --> 00:15:44,945
- I see. Yeah.
- Pretty easy.
325
00:15:44,946 --> 00:15:46,989
Weren't we supposed to be
doing something with a ham radio?
326
00:15:46,990 --> 00:15:49,158
Oh, no, any idiot can do that.
327
00:15:49,159 --> 00:15:50,826
Hello?
328
00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:54,831
My ears are burning.
329
00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:56,415
Huh.
330
00:15:56,416 --> 00:15:58,250
So you're who they cast.
331
00:15:58,251 --> 00:15:59,877
Well, I can see why. I mean,
332
00:15:59,878 --> 00:16:02,129
where else would they have
found bearded comic relief?
333
00:16:02,130 --> 00:16:05,925
Jealousy and yellow
are not good colors on you.
334
00:16:05,926 --> 00:16:07,301
Also, the pig?
335
00:16:07,302 --> 00:16:09,178
Was found wandering the halls,
very depressed.
336
00:16:09,179 --> 00:16:11,513
But, we're gonna cheer you up
and have a great day.
337
00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:13,515
Isn't that right, Natalie Porkman?
338
00:16:13,516 --> 00:16:16,143
I'm guessing names
and waiting for a reaction.
339
00:16:16,144 --> 00:16:17,646
George Swinebrenner.
340
00:16:18,104 --> 00:16:19,813
She's obviously a she, funny man.
341
00:16:19,814 --> 00:16:21,232
Gloria Swineham then.
342
00:16:23,193 --> 00:16:25,653
Howard, uh, monitor this ham radio.
343
00:16:25,654 --> 00:16:27,780
I-I need to get Zach into character.
344
00:16:27,781 --> 00:16:29,406
Seriously, Oliver,
I think w-we're done here.
345
00:16:29,407 --> 00:16:31,909
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pop quiz, hotshot.
346
00:16:31,910 --> 00:16:33,577
Uh, you're Oliver Putnam.
347
00:16:33,578 --> 00:16:35,788
You're six Cosmos deep at Joe Allen
348
00:16:35,789 --> 00:16:37,790
when Frank Rich picks a fight.
349
00:16:37,791 --> 00:16:40,084
Who is the definitive Mrs. Lovett,
350
00:16:40,085 --> 00:16:42,629
Lansbury or LuPone?
351
00:16:43,421 --> 00:16:45,923
LuPone?
352
00:16:45,924 --> 00:16:48,425
Go. Just go.
This guy needs a lot of work.
353
00:17:11,283 --> 00:17:12,908
Ugh. What are you doing here?
354
00:17:12,909 --> 00:17:14,577
What are you doing here?
355
00:17:14,578 --> 00:17:16,203
Solving a murder.
356
00:17:16,204 --> 00:17:17,997
Mabél works alone, remember?
357
00:17:17,998 --> 00:17:21,542
Who's there? Ooh! Do
we have company, Eva?
358
00:17:21,543 --> 00:17:23,128
I guess.
359
00:17:29,384 --> 00:17:30,677
Oh, hello.
360
00:17:32,637 --> 00:17:33,637
What's this?
361
00:17:33,638 --> 00:17:37,433
Well, I was just bringing around
comedy legend, uh, Eugene Levy,
362
00:17:37,434 --> 00:17:39,852
to help everyone cope
with the recent murders in the building.
363
00:17:39,853 --> 00:17:42,772
You know, maybe bring a few smiles.
364
00:17:44,399 --> 00:17:46,942
- And what's with the eye patches?
- Thanks for asking.
365
00:17:46,943 --> 00:17:49,111
It just, uh, it turns out
that Eugene and I
366
00:17:49,112 --> 00:17:51,989
both simultaneously, uh,
developed this, uh,
367
00:17:51,990 --> 00:17:54,783
pesky, uh, conjunctivitis, and, uh...
368
00:17:54,784 --> 00:17:58,370
But thankfully, uh, we have this...
these new amazing drops.
369
00:17:58,371 --> 00:18:00,581
And we were thinking that if your patch
370
00:18:00,582 --> 00:18:04,168
is covering the same thing,
you know, pesky conjunctivitis,
371
00:18:04,169 --> 00:18:07,129
y-you may wanna remove it,
uh, right here, and...
372
00:18:07,130 --> 00:18:09,882
That's right, and I would be
happy to share my drops.
373
00:18:09,883 --> 00:18:12,718
Y-You know what? I'll pass, okay?
374
00:18:12,719 --> 00:18:16,055
I-I-I tried every drop
on the market. Here...
375
00:18:16,056 --> 00:18:19,558
W-Wait! Wait! Uh, wait,
I get it. I get it. You've tried...
376
00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:21,310
everything on the market,
377
00:18:21,311 --> 00:18:23,938
but you will change your tune
378
00:18:23,939 --> 00:18:26,398
when you... when you
hear my friend's tale.
379
00:18:26,399 --> 00:18:28,567
My tale?
380
00:18:28,568 --> 00:18:30,986
Mm-hmm. The tale you told me last week
381
00:18:30,987 --> 00:18:33,572
- at, uh, at the Improv.
- Oh.
382
00:18:33,573 --> 00:18:36,617
Oh, y-yes, and...
Uh, well, my tale is simple.
383
00:18:36,618 --> 00:18:39,370
Uh, my, my cousin is an ophthalmologist.
384
00:18:39,371 --> 00:18:42,081
Dr. Savage. Salazar Savage.
385
00:18:42,082 --> 00:18:43,540
Yes, and,
386
00:18:43,541 --> 00:18:47,044
uh, his, u-uh, father, m-my uncle,
387
00:18:47,045 --> 00:18:49,630
uh, he went to Paraguay
388
00:18:49,631 --> 00:18:51,257
as a missionary in the '40s
389
00:18:51,258 --> 00:18:53,634
to... help... convert...
390
00:18:53,635 --> 00:18:55,844
the indigenous...
391
00:18:55,845 --> 00:18:58,264
Montaguayo people
392
00:18:58,265 --> 00:19:01,767
- and raise his only son.
- Again, th-the genius,
393
00:19:01,768 --> 00:19:05,563
but criminally obscure
Dr. Salazar Savage.
394
00:19:05,564 --> 00:19:07,064
Yes, and...
395
00:19:07,065 --> 00:19:10,025
- I-I'm sorry. Where is this going?
- I'll tell you where this is going!
396
00:19:10,026 --> 00:19:13,487
My cousin developed
a cutting-edge pink eye treatment
397
00:19:13,488 --> 00:19:16,365
from the native, uh, lava cactus...
398
00:19:16,366 --> 00:19:18,534
Which is not available here
399
00:19:18,535 --> 00:19:21,287
due to some trivial FDA regulations,
400
00:19:21,288 --> 00:19:24,498
and I will not go
into detail about that.
401
00:19:24,499 --> 00:19:25,874
Yeah, anyway, the point is...
402
00:19:25,875 --> 00:19:28,752
Oh, thank God, yes! The point being...
403
00:19:28,753 --> 00:19:31,839
The point is I was
recently sent a bottle
404
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,757
of this amazing stuff,
405
00:19:33,758 --> 00:19:36,468
uh, from Asunción.
406
00:19:36,469 --> 00:19:40,390
Which is the actual capital of Paraguay.
407
00:19:41,308 --> 00:19:44,435
Alright, fine, fine, fine.
I'll... Yeah, I-I-I'll try it. Uh...
408
00:19:44,436 --> 00:19:46,395
S-So what you do is...
409
00:19:46,396 --> 00:19:50,357
Is you just, uh, pull down your eye
patch, and you put in, uh, 16 drops.
410
00:19:50,358 --> 00:19:52,318
I think I know how to
use an eye dropper.
411
00:19:52,319 --> 00:19:54,028
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
412
00:19:54,029 --> 00:19:56,155
No, no, you really wanna do it here
because...
413
00:19:56,156 --> 00:19:58,157
we want to video it,
414
00:19:58,158 --> 00:20:01,911
so we can send the tape to Dr. Salavar?
415
00:20:01,912 --> 00:20:03,037
- Dr. Savage.
- Savage.
416
00:20:03,038 --> 00:20:04,623
I'll be right back.
417
00:20:14,966 --> 00:20:17,509
Ho ho ho! Here we go!
418
00:20:17,510 --> 00:20:20,221
Two protein eggnogs! Yummy!
419
00:20:20,222 --> 00:20:23,015
It's my personal recipe, patent pending.
420
00:20:23,016 --> 00:20:25,644
Actually, Eva, I'm something
of a mogul myself.
421
00:20:26,269 --> 00:20:28,062
- Mm.
- Mm.
422
00:20:28,063 --> 00:20:30,439
- That's thick.
- Oh, thank you!
423
00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,608
The secret: more egg than nog.
424
00:20:32,609 --> 00:20:34,069
And ground deer hoof.
425
00:20:36,738 --> 00:20:39,865
So, I-I'm sorry to barge in
on you like this.
426
00:20:39,866 --> 00:20:43,202
I'm not sure what Eva Longoria
has told you, but...
427
00:20:43,203 --> 00:20:44,912
Oh, I told him
we're investigating the murder.
428
00:20:44,913 --> 00:20:47,916
- Of course you did.
- And that we're looking for clues.
429
00:20:48,541 --> 00:20:51,210
We're gonna have answers
by the end of day.
430
00:20:51,211 --> 00:20:53,003
Unrelated. Rudy, uh,
431
00:20:53,004 --> 00:20:55,464
your home is... so cozy.
432
00:20:55,465 --> 00:20:57,800
I love Christmas decorations.
433
00:20:57,801 --> 00:21:01,053
But I-I have to say, you, uh,
you're missing my favorite.
434
00:21:01,054 --> 00:21:03,639
What's that? Advent calendar?
435
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:07,101
I have five. Nutcrackers?
I got a whole family.
436
00:21:07,102 --> 00:21:09,895
12-foot-tall snowman?
I had to put him in my room.
437
00:21:09,896 --> 00:21:11,605
People were put off by the scale
438
00:21:11,606 --> 00:21:13,357
and anatomical correctness.
439
00:21:13,358 --> 00:21:15,234
Oh, that makes sense.
440
00:21:15,235 --> 00:21:18,405
No, I meant tinsel.
Do you have any of that?
441
00:21:19,281 --> 00:21:21,490
♪ Standing tall ♪
442
00:21:21,491 --> 00:21:24,368
Is that the Perfect Strangers theme?
443
00:21:24,369 --> 00:21:25,703
Is that a ham radio?
444
00:21:25,704 --> 00:21:28,706
Yeah, it's a gift from a friend.
Here, lemme just get rid of that.
445
00:21:30,542 --> 00:21:32,334
Hey, Mabél, look around.
446
00:21:32,335 --> 00:21:33,419
There's no tinsel.
447
00:21:33,420 --> 00:21:34,587
Uh, look around.
448
00:21:34,588 --> 00:21:38,007
There's a gun on the wall
and another ham radio.
449
00:21:38,008 --> 00:21:40,467
There has to be tinsel.
He probably just hid it
450
00:21:40,468 --> 00:21:42,761
because you were telling him
we're looking for clues.
451
00:21:42,762 --> 00:21:44,346
Okay, stop saying tinsel!
452
00:21:44,347 --> 00:21:46,682
Let's just provoke
a reaction outta the guy,
453
00:21:46,683 --> 00:21:49,059
so he can confess by my 7:30 dinner.
454
00:21:49,060 --> 00:21:50,561
By the way, I have a 7:30 dinner,
455
00:21:50,562 --> 00:21:53,272
and I'd love to tell everybody
I solved a murder today.
456
00:21:53,273 --> 00:21:57,318
Eva, m-my friend is in very real danger.
We're not provoking a killer
457
00:21:57,319 --> 00:22:00,029
so that you can share some
charming anecdote with...
458
00:22:00,030 --> 00:22:01,989
Roger Federer,
Anderson Cooper, Michelle Obama,
459
00:22:01,990 --> 00:22:05,035
and the lady from Shark Tank.
Barb something.
460
00:22:05,452 --> 00:22:08,829
Okay, well,
we'll try to get you out by 6:00.
461
00:22:08,830 --> 00:22:10,915
Great.
462
00:22:14,461 --> 00:22:16,463
You may
think it's silly, but...
463
00:22:17,380 --> 00:22:20,884
when I was a kid, I had a dream...
464
00:22:22,469 --> 00:22:24,428
that I would live a life that, someday,
465
00:22:24,429 --> 00:22:27,015
someone would wanna turn into a film.
466
00:22:28,058 --> 00:22:30,059
And now, all I want is it
467
00:22:30,060 --> 00:22:33,021
to be the best film ever made.
468
00:22:33,355 --> 00:22:35,356
Wow, that's really brave
for you to admit that,
469
00:22:35,357 --> 00:22:37,484
but probably not for
the reasons you think.
470
00:22:41,112 --> 00:22:43,615
Okay. I-I'm sorry.
471
00:22:44,324 --> 00:22:46,492
I get it. You don't wanna be forgotten.
472
00:22:46,493 --> 00:22:49,745
Oh. Who could ever forget Oliver Putnam?
473
00:22:49,746 --> 00:22:51,539
Right. Right.
474
00:22:52,249 --> 00:22:55,167
So, let's give a lift
to that hair... Oh, boy.
475
00:22:57,045 --> 00:22:59,089
It's gonna be a little journey here.
476
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,384
I do have one question though.
477
00:23:03,385 --> 00:23:05,095
I just need a second here.
478
00:23:05,595 --> 00:23:07,596
All those stories that you tell.
479
00:23:09,599 --> 00:23:11,058
There's no way they're true, right?
480
00:23:11,893 --> 00:23:14,687
Well, the key to an Oliver Putnam story
481
00:23:14,688 --> 00:23:17,481
- is that you want it to be true.
- Yeah.
482
00:23:17,482 --> 00:23:20,859
It should take place
between 1960 and 1980,
483
00:23:20,860 --> 00:23:22,611
it should involve a celebrity
484
00:23:22,612 --> 00:23:24,655
who you're shocked to
discover is still alive...
485
00:23:24,656 --> 00:23:25,739
Hmm.
486
00:23:25,740 --> 00:23:29,493
...and the best ones take place
in a nightclub that's now an Applebee's.
487
00:23:29,494 --> 00:23:31,830
Or involve a drug that no longer exists.
488
00:23:32,622 --> 00:23:34,416
Okay, now...
489
00:23:35,375 --> 00:23:36,877
close your eyes.
490
00:23:42,549 --> 00:23:45,301
Ooh! Someone just got back from Ibiza.
491
00:23:45,302 --> 00:23:49,097
Where I did opium with Barbara Eden
at a Souplantation?
492
00:23:50,932 --> 00:23:52,474
No one gets it the first time.
493
00:23:52,475 --> 00:23:55,145
- Okay.
- Come on! Come here.
494
00:24:06,364 --> 00:24:09,159
♪ Sometimes the world looks perfect ♪
495
00:24:10,160 --> 00:24:12,536
♪ Nothing to rearrange ♪
496
00:24:12,537 --> 00:24:15,539
♪ Sometimes you just get a feeling ♪
497
00:24:15,540 --> 00:24:18,584
♪ Like you need some kind of change ♪
498
00:24:18,585 --> 00:24:20,044
♪
499
00:24:20,045 --> 00:24:23,464
♪ No matter what the
odds are this time ♪
500
00:24:23,465 --> 00:24:25,174
♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
501
00:24:25,175 --> 00:24:26,634
Whatever this is...
502
00:24:26,635 --> 00:24:28,052
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
503
00:24:28,053 --> 00:24:29,262
...I hate it.
504
00:24:29,429 --> 00:24:33,016
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
505
00:24:34,476 --> 00:24:37,645
♪ Standing tall ♪
506
00:24:37,646 --> 00:24:41,232
♪ On the wings of my dream ♪
507
00:24:41,233 --> 00:24:44,193
♪ Nothing's gonna stop me now ♪
508
00:24:44,194 --> 00:24:46,905
♪
509
00:24:54,621 --> 00:24:56,956
Okay, he's gonna be out any second.
510
00:24:56,957 --> 00:24:59,667
Any second, Charles.
Do you have another plan?
511
00:24:59,668 --> 00:25:02,044
- I have a plan. I have a plan.
- Good. Good.
512
00:25:02,045 --> 00:25:03,380
And it is...
513
00:25:05,257 --> 00:25:07,299
Oh, my God, I'm in a
murderer's apartment,
514
00:25:07,300 --> 00:25:10,719
- and you don't have a plan!
- Okay, thanks.
515
00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,306
Here you go. Let's hope that they work.
516
00:25:15,475 --> 00:25:18,060
Um, um, listen, before we go,
um, I'm wondering
517
00:25:18,061 --> 00:25:20,396
i-i-if you can, uh,
bring my friend Charles
518
00:25:20,397 --> 00:25:22,606
a glass of, uh, water.
519
00:25:22,607 --> 00:25:25,610
Sure. I'm a restaurant now.
520
00:25:29,030 --> 00:25:30,531
We're not doing your spit take plan!
521
00:25:30,532 --> 00:25:32,825
I don't think we have a choice.
I tell a joke,
522
00:25:32,826 --> 00:25:35,202
you spit in his face,
we get to see under his eye patch!
523
00:25:35,203 --> 00:25:36,996
If he hates me, and he's a murderer,
524
00:25:36,997 --> 00:25:38,789
and he can shoot directly
into my apartment,
525
00:25:38,790 --> 00:25:40,875
maybe I shouldn't spit in his face?
526
00:25:41,293 --> 00:25:43,586
Good point. That's a good point.
527
00:25:43,587 --> 00:25:45,212
But he can still murder me.
528
00:25:45,213 --> 00:25:46,715
- Here you go.
- Yeah.
529
00:25:47,674 --> 00:25:49,967
Oh, here's the water you wanted.
Anyway, uh,
530
00:25:49,968 --> 00:25:52,386
so these two snails
are vacationing in Beverly Hills...
531
00:25:52,387 --> 00:25:54,138
Here.
Try it, try it, try it.
532
00:25:54,139 --> 00:25:55,973
A-A priest and a... and a duck
walk into a synagogue...
533
00:25:55,974 --> 00:25:58,017
No, that's not funny. You take it.
You drink... You drink it.
534
00:25:58,018 --> 00:25:59,476
You drink it. You
drink it. You drink it.
535
00:25:59,477 --> 00:26:01,228
Anyway, these two cannibals
536
00:26:01,229 --> 00:26:04,064
are sitting down to a nice meal
of baked asshole of clown.
537
00:26:04,065 --> 00:26:05,524
What the?
538
00:26:07,068 --> 00:26:10,029
And one cannibal says to the other,
"This taste funny to you?"
539
00:26:14,659 --> 00:26:16,660
That's... That's not a bruise.
540
00:26:16,661 --> 00:26:19,246
That is a pink... pink eye.
541
00:26:19,247 --> 00:26:20,623
Yeah!
542
00:26:20,624 --> 00:26:24,335
Antibiotic-resistant pink eye!
543
00:26:26,087 --> 00:26:29,548
Nothing, nothing...
544
00:26:29,549 --> 00:26:32,344
- You wanna help out here?
- No, I'm kinda busy.
545
00:26:33,428 --> 00:26:35,137
Hey, what are you doing?
546
00:26:35,138 --> 00:26:37,640
Oh! Uh, nothing. I was, uh,
547
00:26:37,641 --> 00:26:41,435
just admiring this so sweet and...
548
00:26:41,436 --> 00:26:42,603
- Ho ho ho.
- Oh.
549
00:26:42,604 --> 00:26:44,146
- Oh, no, no, please.
- Ho ho ho.
550
00:26:44,147 --> 00:26:46,440
- Don't touch him.
- Uh, yeah.
551
00:26:46,441 --> 00:26:49,151
Mrs. Claus is a lucky lady.
552
00:26:49,152 --> 00:26:50,653
Oh, great.
553
00:26:50,654 --> 00:26:53,113
Dinner got moved up to 6:30.
554
00:26:53,114 --> 00:26:54,740
Time to land this plane.
555
00:26:54,741 --> 00:26:56,952
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hey, Rudy.
556
00:26:57,619 --> 00:26:59,036
No, no, no, no, no!
557
00:26:59,037 --> 00:27:00,663
Does this piss you off?
558
00:27:00,664 --> 00:27:02,164
What...
559
00:27:02,165 --> 00:27:03,582
- Or...
- Hey! No, no, no!
560
00:27:03,583 --> 00:27:04,959
- What about this?
- Don't...
561
00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:06,585
Why?
562
00:27:06,586 --> 00:27:09,004
Oh, and by the way, your eggnog sucks.
563
00:27:09,005 --> 00:27:10,381
- Aw!
- What you gonna do about it?
564
00:27:10,382 --> 00:27:12,299
You gonna cry?
Are you gonna cry about it?
565
00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:14,635
'Cause word on the street is
you get a little murderous
566
00:27:14,636 --> 00:27:17,429
when somebody tries
to ruin Christmas!
567
00:27:17,430 --> 00:27:19,098
- Ooh!
- Hey, don't touch that!
568
00:27:19,099 --> 00:27:21,684
I bet you that's very... triggering!
569
00:27:21,685 --> 00:27:23,394
- Oh, my God!
- What are you doing?!
570
00:27:23,395 --> 00:27:26,855
I'm solving the murder. Admit it!
Christmas is all you have.
571
00:27:26,856 --> 00:27:29,567
Yeah, Christmas and fitness.
572
00:27:29,568 --> 00:27:32,736
Fitness is clearly important to you.
That is not lost on me,
573
00:27:32,737 --> 00:27:34,530
but, mostly, you love Christmas.
574
00:27:34,531 --> 00:27:36,615
So, when your scrooge of a neighbor
575
00:27:36,616 --> 00:27:39,868
tries to take away your real
Christmas trees, you snapped.
576
00:27:39,869 --> 00:27:41,120
Eva, put the gun down.
577
00:27:41,121 --> 00:27:43,038
And once you had
Charles in your sights...
578
00:27:43,039 --> 00:27:45,583
- Eva Longoria's unhinged.
- That is correct.
579
00:27:45,584 --> 00:27:47,835
...you shot him!
580
00:27:47,836 --> 00:27:50,296
- Ho ho ho!
- Oh, this is not a real gun.
581
00:27:50,297 --> 00:27:53,257
No, it's not. You think I shot Charles
because I love Christmas?
582
00:27:53,258 --> 00:27:54,341
Yeah.
583
00:27:54,342 --> 00:27:56,594
I hate Christmas!
584
00:27:58,930 --> 00:28:00,515
But, um...
585
00:28:02,267 --> 00:28:04,268
Okay.
586
00:28:04,269 --> 00:28:05,769
I'm a fitness influencer.
587
00:28:05,770 --> 00:28:09,398
I made one Christmas-themed
workout video, and it went viral.
588
00:28:09,399 --> 00:28:12,026
Now, I'm stuck being
"Santa's Sexy Little Helper."
589
00:28:12,027 --> 00:28:15,738
I can't crack 100 likes
unless it's Christmas-themed content!
590
00:28:15,739 --> 00:28:18,991
My success is my prison
and these...
591
00:28:18,992 --> 00:28:23,037
ornaments, the reindeer, that gun from
A Christmas Story, these are my jailers!
592
00:28:23,038 --> 00:28:26,291
Every five seconds, people are asking me
if they're still on the naughty list!
593
00:28:27,626 --> 00:28:29,543
- That's a lot of names.
- Hello.
594
00:28:29,544 --> 00:28:31,128
- And abs.
- Thank you.
595
00:28:31,129 --> 00:28:34,715
Do you know how hard it is
to write on yourself backwards?
596
00:28:34,716 --> 00:28:38,219
All my time is spent trying to come up
with Christmas workout puns.
597
00:28:38,220 --> 00:28:41,096
"Yule be surprised at
what your body can do!"
598
00:28:41,097 --> 00:28:44,099
"No time like the presents
to believe in your elf!"
599
00:28:44,100 --> 00:28:46,353
My parents are so disappointed in me!
600
00:28:46,895 --> 00:28:48,896
It felt good to get that out.
601
00:28:52,025 --> 00:28:54,610
Um, hey, could you guys not tell people
602
00:28:54,611 --> 00:28:56,987
about the whole "I
hate Christmas" thing?
603
00:28:56,988 --> 00:28:59,365
Yeah, sure. No problem.
604
00:28:59,366 --> 00:29:02,994
Um, I just have one more question.
Can you explain this?
605
00:29:03,995 --> 00:29:06,413
We saw tinsel where the shot was fired,
606
00:29:06,414 --> 00:29:08,415
and kinda led us to you.
607
00:29:08,416 --> 00:29:11,502
Yeah, this is not tinsel.
Tinsel is highly flammable.
608
00:29:11,503 --> 00:29:13,421
- Christmas's silent killer.
- Huh.
609
00:29:14,005 --> 00:29:16,298
- Okay, thank you.
- Mm.
610
00:29:16,299 --> 00:29:17,800
I'm sorry Eva Longoria
611
00:29:17,801 --> 00:29:20,678
shot what she thought
was a real gun in your apartment.
612
00:29:20,679 --> 00:29:21,762
My bad.
613
00:29:21,763 --> 00:29:23,347
Hey, but if it's any consolation,
614
00:29:23,348 --> 00:29:26,601
Michelle Obama will watch
your TikTok tonight.
615
00:29:28,436 --> 00:29:31,021
Wait, what do you mean
Michelle Obama will see my...
616
00:29:31,022 --> 00:29:32,606
Is that a euphemism for something?
617
00:29:32,607 --> 00:29:34,567
Merry Christmas!
618
00:29:36,736 --> 00:29:39,530
The Ollies are back!
619
00:29:39,531 --> 00:29:42,074
That was a long day alone
with a pig and a radio.
620
00:29:42,075 --> 00:29:43,158
How was yours?
621
00:29:43,159 --> 00:29:45,327
Well, that depends. What do you call
taking too many Quaaludes
622
00:29:45,328 --> 00:29:47,745
with Ving Rhames and getting
kicked outta the Playboy Club?
623
00:29:49,624 --> 00:29:51,084
Oh, hold on.
624
00:29:51,793 --> 00:29:54,129
- Oh, that's my agent. One second.
- Oh my...
625
00:29:54,671 --> 00:29:56,297
Seems like it went well.
626
00:29:56,298 --> 00:29:59,133
Huge success. Enormous success.
627
00:29:59,134 --> 00:30:01,260
The success has elephantitis.
628
00:30:01,261 --> 00:30:03,721
Meanwhile, I kept a very
detailed ham radio journal.
629
00:30:04,931 --> 00:30:08,601
A few call signs,
the theme song from Perfect Strangers,
630
00:30:08,602 --> 00:30:11,271
a lot of weather chatter. A lot!
631
00:30:12,022 --> 00:30:15,149
Feels like most of these kooks
are just waiting for the apocalypse.
632
00:30:15,150 --> 00:30:18,110
Including Kristen Piig,
who is one open window away
633
00:30:18,111 --> 00:30:20,195
from turning herself
into Canadian bacon.
634
00:30:20,196 --> 00:30:22,698
I'm really glad you
pushed me to do this today.
635
00:30:22,699 --> 00:30:26,368
- Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, absolutely.
- Ooh.
636
00:30:26,369 --> 00:30:28,913
It was a lot of fun.
We did a lot of frolicking,
637
00:30:28,914 --> 00:30:32,375
and we got to know each other
and, you know, the whole works.
638
00:30:33,043 --> 00:30:34,877
Of course, I'm being sarcastic!
639
00:30:34,878 --> 00:30:37,504
What part of "career pivot"
was so confusing to you?
640
00:30:37,505 --> 00:30:42,343
I told you I wanted big, meaty,
psychosexual leading man dramatic parts,
641
00:30:42,344 --> 00:30:45,262
and you give me pocket-sized,
flop-sweat Willy Wonka.
642
00:30:45,263 --> 00:30:48,432
This man is a
one-dimensional narcissist.
643
00:30:48,433 --> 00:30:51,018
Under those scarves deep, deep down,
644
00:30:51,019 --> 00:30:53,605
it's just more fucking scarves.
I gotta go.
645
00:30:54,064 --> 00:30:55,064
Thanks, guys.
646
00:30:55,065 --> 00:30:57,524
I'm gonna take off.
That was a lot of fun.
647
00:30:57,525 --> 00:30:59,109
Lot of fun.
648
00:30:59,110 --> 00:31:00,570
Yo, Galifianakis!
649
00:31:01,446 --> 00:31:05,241
How could you spend an entire day
with this man and still not get it?
650
00:31:05,242 --> 00:31:08,744
Let me tell you a little something
about Mr. Oliver Putnam.
651
00:31:08,745 --> 00:31:10,537
This man?
652
00:31:10,538 --> 00:31:11,997
He's my hero.
653
00:31:11,998 --> 00:31:14,625
Oliver doesn't know
the definition of quit.
654
00:31:14,626 --> 00:31:18,879
There is no obstacle nor tragedy that
Oliver Putnam can't bounce back from.
655
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:20,673
Think about what he's been through.
656
00:31:20,674 --> 00:31:24,718
Flop... after flop... after flop.
657
00:31:24,719 --> 00:31:27,429
- Onstage. Off.
- Right.
658
00:31:27,430 --> 00:31:30,641
Any other man with even a shred,
a speck of dignity,
659
00:31:30,642 --> 00:31:32,476
would be destroyed,
660
00:31:32,477 --> 00:31:35,271
- but not this man! Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!
- Okay, Howard...
661
00:31:35,272 --> 00:31:37,523
Every time he falls,
he gets right back up,
662
00:31:37,524 --> 00:31:39,567
and he meets the day
with a song, don't you?
663
00:31:39,568 --> 00:31:40,776
Yeah, I... Yes.
664
00:31:40,777 --> 00:31:43,070
Even when he knows
he's just gonna fall again.
665
00:31:43,071 --> 00:31:45,030
Alright, Howard, please.
I think I can handle...
666
00:31:45,031 --> 00:31:48,617
Okay, take his current
long-distance romance, for example.
667
00:31:48,618 --> 00:31:51,328
I give it six months,
most would say three.
668
00:31:51,329 --> 00:31:54,790
Yet, here he remains,
helping your little career,
669
00:31:54,791 --> 00:31:57,251
instead of enjoying
his final precious hours
670
00:31:57,252 --> 00:31:59,420
upon that Hindenburg of a relationship.
671
00:31:59,421 --> 00:32:02,631
Th-That is not true. Loretta
and I have never been this strong.
672
00:32:02,632 --> 00:32:05,343
I rest my case.
673
00:32:07,679 --> 00:32:09,763
Now, that's psychosexual.
674
00:32:09,764 --> 00:32:12,057
That's meaty!
675
00:32:12,058 --> 00:32:14,602
You're not the court jester.
676
00:32:14,603 --> 00:32:15,978
You're King Lear!
677
00:32:15,979 --> 00:32:18,771
- Yes, I think what Howard meant was...
- No, no, no, no, no.
678
00:32:19,941 --> 00:32:21,483
You're this...
679
00:32:21,484 --> 00:32:23,861
elegant worm.
680
00:32:23,862 --> 00:32:25,237
This dressed-up doormat.
681
00:32:25,238 --> 00:32:28,158
This Technicolored cockroach
who refuses to die!
682
00:32:29,659 --> 00:32:31,535
I hate you!
683
00:32:31,536 --> 00:32:33,079
But I love you.
684
00:32:36,583 --> 00:32:39,085
People might finally
take me seriously after this.
685
00:32:40,921 --> 00:32:42,671
Uh-huh...
686
00:32:42,672 --> 00:32:44,466
I will immortalize you, Oliver,
687
00:32:46,176 --> 00:32:48,052
The real...
688
00:32:48,053 --> 00:32:49,512
tragic...
689
00:32:50,722 --> 00:32:51,848
heartbreaking...
690
00:32:52,849 --> 00:32:54,100
lonely...
691
00:32:54,976 --> 00:32:56,978
pathetic you.
692
00:32:59,439 --> 00:33:01,941
That's very kind. Thank you.
693
00:33:01,942 --> 00:33:04,401
Okay, let's get crackin'!
694
00:33:10,951 --> 00:33:13,410
Hey, bud! Look who's got a bloody nose?
695
00:33:13,411 --> 00:33:15,537
I used to get those
all the time from anxiety.
696
00:33:15,538 --> 00:33:18,832
Yeah. Well, mine's from
being punched in the face.
697
00:33:18,833 --> 00:33:21,210
- Sorry about the haymaker.
- Oh, that's all right, Vince.
698
00:33:21,211 --> 00:33:24,129
Apology accepted.
699
00:33:24,130 --> 00:33:26,590
You know, I just realized
something, Charles.
700
00:33:26,591 --> 00:33:28,717
You're not that complex.
701
00:33:28,718 --> 00:33:31,845
You're just as chicken shit as I am,
which makes you funny.
702
00:33:31,846 --> 00:33:35,432
- I think I can play you.
- Well, uh, that's something.
703
00:33:35,433 --> 00:33:38,894
I can't believe that you
thought I killed your friend.
704
00:33:38,895 --> 00:33:41,438
I can't even kill this
moderate to severe case
705
00:33:41,439 --> 00:33:43,649
of bacterial conjunctivitis.
706
00:33:43,650 --> 00:33:45,568
Well, whoever shot my friend,
707
00:33:45,569 --> 00:33:48,821
I think probably had something
wrong with their eyes
708
00:33:48,822 --> 00:33:51,240
because I think they were aiming for me.
709
00:33:51,241 --> 00:33:54,785
And, honestly,
I always thought you hated me.
710
00:33:54,786 --> 00:33:56,954
What? I hated you?
711
00:33:56,955 --> 00:33:58,998
I always thought that you hated me!
712
00:33:58,999 --> 00:34:02,167
Whenever I see you through the window,
you always look away.
713
00:34:02,168 --> 00:34:04,003
No, I'm just awkward!
714
00:34:04,004 --> 00:34:07,214
I-I'm awkward, too!
715
00:34:07,215 --> 00:34:08,674
You're awkward?
716
00:34:08,675 --> 00:34:11,887
I'm very awkward! Yes!
717
00:34:12,345 --> 00:34:16,308
- Oh, Vince. Aw...
- Ah, Charles! Aw!
718
00:34:18,894 --> 00:34:22,188
Yeah, Eugene!
719
00:34:23,899 --> 00:34:27,026
Yeah, okay, yeah. See, you're too tight.
720
00:34:27,027 --> 00:34:30,821
You're hugging just way too tight.
721
00:34:30,822 --> 00:34:31,947
This is enough.
722
00:34:31,948 --> 00:34:34,575
No, this is hugging for three people.
This is enough.
723
00:34:34,576 --> 00:34:36,160
Okay, let's go. Done.
724
00:34:36,161 --> 00:34:38,747
- Okay, bye-bye.
- Lovely apartment.
725
00:34:39,164 --> 00:34:40,165
Here you go.
726
00:34:43,752 --> 00:34:46,128
Think I'm gonna skip the part
where I was wildly wrong
727
00:34:46,129 --> 00:34:48,005
when I tell this story tonight.
728
00:34:48,006 --> 00:34:50,299
Um, you know what? For what it's worth,
729
00:34:50,300 --> 00:34:52,218
you were actually kind of helpful.
730
00:34:52,219 --> 00:34:55,555
I probably would've wasted weeks
thinking that guy had a motive.
731
00:34:56,223 --> 00:34:59,767
Maybe, you know,
your Mabel's approach isn't that bad.
732
00:34:59,768 --> 00:35:02,394
- Or Mabél.
- Mm, Mabél is bold.
733
00:35:02,395 --> 00:35:05,439
- She pops. She sells T-shirts.
- Um...
734
00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:07,524
I think I'm gonna
hang back for a second.
735
00:35:07,525 --> 00:35:09,611
Taking a page out of your playbook.
736
00:35:25,460 --> 00:35:28,004
I see you, Mabél.
737
00:36:19,264 --> 00:36:21,557
♪
738
00:36:28,523 --> 00:36:29,773
- It's us!
- Hi!
739
00:36:29,774 --> 00:36:32,652
Housekeeping!
740
00:36:34,237 --> 00:36:36,572
So, you don't believe
Dudenoff's in Portugal?
741
00:36:36,573 --> 00:36:37,907
I'm not convinced.
742
00:36:37,908 --> 00:36:39,617
Well, he's not gonna
be happy you're here.
743
00:36:39,618 --> 00:36:42,369
I'm counting on it.
If he finds out I'm squatting here,
744
00:36:42,370 --> 00:36:44,747
he'll have to show his face
to kick me out.
745
00:36:44,748 --> 00:36:47,041
He could be our killer...
746
00:36:47,042 --> 00:36:49,501
Personally, I love
that you're squatting.
747
00:36:49,502 --> 00:36:52,213
In the summer of '77,
I spent an incredible three months
748
00:36:52,214 --> 00:36:55,549
squatting in Sonny Bono's
Palm Springs pool house.
749
00:36:55,550 --> 00:36:59,303
Look, it'll be good for the case,
and I needed a place to stay.
750
00:36:59,304 --> 00:37:01,013
Well, I just...
751
00:37:01,014 --> 00:37:02,473
I worry about you here.
752
00:37:02,474 --> 00:37:04,975
I worry about you all the time.
753
00:37:04,976 --> 00:37:07,436
At least we can watch
over each other now.
754
00:37:08,813 --> 00:37:11,899
How come the actors couldn't come
for one of our finales?
755
00:37:11,900 --> 00:37:14,568
Like when we figure
everything out all at once?
756
00:37:14,569 --> 00:37:16,028
Mm-hmm.
757
00:37:20,951 --> 00:37:23,870
♪ No matter the odds are this time ♪
758
00:37:24,371 --> 00:37:26,830
♪ Nothing's gonna stand in my way ♪
759
00:37:26,831 --> 00:37:29,083
♪ This flame in my heart ♪
760
00:37:29,084 --> 00:37:30,501
♪ Long lost friend ♪
761
00:37:30,502 --> 00:37:33,671
♪ Gives every dark street
a light at the end ♪
762
00:37:33,672 --> 00:37:35,130
What is happening right now?
763
00:37:35,131 --> 00:37:37,341
♪ Standing tall ♪
764
00:37:37,342 --> 00:37:39,009
What is that bizarrely catchy song?
765
00:37:39,010 --> 00:37:41,679
Oh, I heard it on Rudy's ham radio.
766
00:37:41,680 --> 00:37:43,722
You don't know the theme
to Perfect Strangers?
767
00:37:43,723 --> 00:37:45,641
You do?
768
00:37:45,642 --> 00:37:47,434
The theme to Perfect Strangers.
769
00:37:47,435 --> 00:37:51,063
Howard was clocking
the same song on the radio.
770
00:37:51,064 --> 00:37:52,399
Gimme his book.
771
00:37:54,609 --> 00:37:57,486
Yes! A person came on the line and said,
772
00:37:57,487 --> 00:37:59,363
"Meet me at 445."
773
00:37:59,364 --> 00:38:01,615
What is the deal with these ham radios?
774
00:38:01,616 --> 00:38:04,702
I mean, are we in some
sort of doomsday cult?
775
00:38:04,703 --> 00:38:07,621
You know, Vince had this photo
of everyone on this floor,
776
00:38:07,622 --> 00:38:10,291
and someone was holding
Rudy's hand with the pig,
777
00:38:10,292 --> 00:38:12,042
and their face was crossed out.
778
00:38:12,043 --> 00:38:13,878
Maybe that's who was on the radio.
779
00:38:13,879 --> 00:38:18,007
Okay, but what is 445?
Is that an address? A time?
780
00:38:18,008 --> 00:38:19,593
It's a frequency!
781
00:38:20,844 --> 00:38:21,969
Oh, my gosh!
782
00:38:26,308 --> 00:38:28,893
Ah! Could you help me?
783
00:38:28,894 --> 00:38:30,561
Yeah, I gotcha.
784
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:34,524
Hello? Hello?
785
00:38:35,817 --> 00:38:39,653
"OMIT-B" paging "Perfect Strangers,"
do you copy?
786
00:38:41,281 --> 00:38:42,740
Hello?
787
00:38:42,741 --> 00:38:44,826
You shouldn't be on this frequency.
788
00:38:46,036 --> 00:38:48,579
- Who is Dudenoff?
- And what's with all the ham?
789
00:38:48,580 --> 00:38:49,955
Do you know who's out to get me?
790
00:38:49,956 --> 00:38:51,582
The last person
791
00:38:51,583 --> 00:38:53,584
who came around
asking these questions got killed.
792
00:38:53,585 --> 00:38:55,920
I love you, Hammy Faye Bakker!
793
00:38:59,841 --> 00:39:01,550
Well, that solves that mystery.
794
00:39:01,551 --> 00:39:04,929
I
tell you. Drop this, or you'll be next!
795
00:39:30,205 --> 00:39:32,207
♪