1 00:00:04,633 --> 00:00:09,133 Closed Captions Provided by TruTV 2 00:00:13,300 --> 00:00:14,300 (whistling) 3 00:00:18,533 --> 00:00:19,533 (snapping) 4 00:00:24,700 --> 00:00:26,330 >> * Bad to the bone 5 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:27,803 * Don't wanna be mean 6 00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,800 * Bad to the stone 7 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,130 * Still wanna be me 8 00:00:31,133 --> 00:00:33,133 * Chained to the stone 9 00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:34,503 * Don't wanna be mean 10 00:00:34,500 --> 00:00:36,530 * I hear this public long 11 00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:38,073 * Don't wanna to be mean 12 00:00:38,067 --> 00:00:39,997 * Bad to the bone 13 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:41,270 * Don't wanna be mean 14 00:00:41,267 --> 00:00:43,297 * Bad to the stone 15 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:44,770 * Still wanna be me * 16 00:00:48,033 --> 00:00:49,573 (gun cocking) 17 00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:55,867 ** 18 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:04,900 (gun shot, screaming) 19 00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:08,770 >> Oh, (bleep)! Oh, (bleep)! 20 00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:15,370 ** 21 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,370 >> Hi. I'm Dr. Freeman. 22 00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:34,067 Morgan Freeman. 23 00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:35,067 One night in my 24 00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:36,667 underground laboratory, I was 25 00:01:36,667 --> 00:01:38,327 working on an experimental cure 26 00:01:38,333 --> 00:01:41,073 for eczema using strands from a 27 00:01:41,067 --> 00:01:43,097 very remarkable donor-- 28 00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:44,530 Tracy Morgan-- 29 00:01:44,533 --> 00:01:46,103 when something horrible 30 00:01:46,100 --> 00:01:47,070 happened. 31 00:01:51,900 --> 00:01:54,500 (groaning) 32 00:02:00,433 --> 00:02:08,073 ** 33 00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:09,467 >> Oh, morning, Mr. Freeman. 34 00:02:09,467 --> 00:02:10,867 >> Good morning there, Clifford. 35 00:02:10,867 --> 00:02:11,697 How's your mother? 36 00:02:11,700 --> 00:02:13,170 >> Well, she's dying. 37 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,127 >> Oh. 38 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:15,703 >> But nobody lives forever. 39 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:16,670 >> Oh, that's the spirit, 40 00:02:16,667 --> 00:02:18,727 Clifford-- keep the spirits up. 41 00:02:18,733 --> 00:02:20,533 >> Morgan-- Morgan Freeman? 42 00:02:20,533 --> 00:02:22,073 >> Yes. 43 00:02:22,067 --> 00:02:23,327 >> I am such a big fan. 44 00:02:23,333 --> 00:02:24,773 >> Oh, thank you so much. 45 00:02:24,767 --> 00:02:25,767 Obliged-- Thank you, darling. 46 00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:26,727 >> Guess I'll have to watch 47 00:02:26,733 --> 00:02:27,703 "The Dark Knight" tonight. 48 00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:28,670 >> Well, don't forget 49 00:02:28,667 --> 00:02:29,927 the popcorn then, huh? 50 00:02:29,933 --> 00:02:30,903 Have a good one. 51 00:02:30,900 --> 00:02:32,330 >> You too, Mr. Freeman. 52 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,700 >> Oh, Lord. 53 00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:41,070 No. 54 00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:42,327 Butt. 55 00:02:42,333 --> 00:02:44,433 (groaning) 56 00:02:58,200 --> 00:03:00,070 >> Mr. Freeman, are you okay? 57 00:03:05,067 --> 00:03:06,967 >> Hey, yo, sexy! 58 00:03:06,967 --> 00:03:07,967 I like them two bran muffins 59 00:03:07,967 --> 00:03:09,597 right there, man. 60 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:10,670 Let me bite that. 61 00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:11,627 Get that fiber. 62 00:03:11,633 --> 00:03:12,603 I ain't gonna poop out 63 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:14,570 nothing but those yoga pants. 64 00:03:14,567 --> 00:03:16,497 (chuckling) 65 00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:17,600 >> You're being very rude right 66 00:03:17,600 --> 00:03:18,470 now. 67 00:03:18,467 --> 00:03:20,197 >> Let us play a little game. 68 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,070 Guess who has an erection. 69 00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,297 Here's a clue. 70 00:03:23,300 --> 00:03:25,070 It's Tracy Morgan. 71 00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,467 Now guess. 72 00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:27,427 >> For heaven's sake! 73 00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:28,433 Mr. Freeman, 74 00:03:28,433 --> 00:03:29,433 is everything okay? 75 00:03:29,433 --> 00:03:31,173 >> Mind your business, Cliff. 76 00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:32,927 Fun fact: I don't give a bus 77 00:03:32,933 --> 00:03:34,373 driver's ass about those sick 78 00:03:34,367 --> 00:03:35,427 moms. 79 00:03:35,433 --> 00:03:36,233 I hope them hemorrhoids 80 00:03:36,233 --> 00:03:38,473 spread to her ankles. 81 00:03:38,467 --> 00:03:39,267 Come over, girl. 82 00:03:39,267 --> 00:03:40,227 Go out with me, man. 83 00:03:40,233 --> 00:03:41,073 I keep my money 84 00:03:41,067 --> 00:03:42,267 in a Build-A-Bear. 85 00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:43,467 (chuckling) 86 00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:49,167 >> Sweet heavens. 87 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,267 What evil have I unleashed? 88 00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:53,767 ** 89 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,097 >> Can you help me with this 90 00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:56,900 crossword, Kevin? 91 00:03:56,900 --> 00:03:57,800 >> Of course, Miss Williams. 92 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,070 Anything for you. 93 00:03:59,067 --> 00:04:00,797 >> What's an 11-letter word for 94 00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,070 something you put a turkey in? 95 00:04:03,067 --> 00:04:05,467 >> Hmm... 11... tough-- 96 00:04:05,467 --> 00:04:06,697 >> Plastic wrap! 97 00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:08,570 >> (muffled screaming) 98 00:04:13,433 --> 00:04:16,533 >> Old Killers! 99 00:04:16,533 --> 00:04:17,633 >> It's the announcement that 100 00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:20,233 shook the basketball world. 101 00:04:20,233 --> 00:04:21,373 At a press conference today, 102 00:04:21,367 --> 00:04:22,897 basketball superstar Darryl 103 00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:24,630 Powell made news that caught 104 00:04:24,633 --> 00:04:27,273 the entire league off guard. 105 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,267 >> I'm sure you've all heard 106 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:31,067 the rumors. 107 00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,897 I can't live a lie. 108 00:04:32,900 --> 00:04:33,830 I think it's time 109 00:04:33,833 --> 00:04:34,673 the world knew 110 00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:38,167 that I, Darryl Powell, 111 00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:39,397 am monogamous. 112 00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:40,370 >> Darryl. 113 00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:41,227 >> Darryl. 114 00:04:41,233 --> 00:04:42,073 >> Over here. 115 00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:44,167 >> Darryl, Is this a new thing? 116 00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:45,267 >> Well, I've known I was 117 00:04:45,267 --> 00:04:47,267 monogamous since I was seven, 118 00:04:47,267 --> 00:04:51,827 but. I hid it from my father. 119 00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:52,673 >> Mr. Powell! 120 00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:53,597 >> Mr. Powell. 121 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,170 >> Mrs. Powell, how have you 122 00:04:55,167 --> 00:04:56,297 been taking all of this? 123 00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:57,270 >> I'm just as shocked as the 124 00:04:57,267 --> 00:04:59,497 rest of the world, but I, I love 125 00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:01,730 my husband and we're going to 126 00:05:01,733 --> 00:05:03,303 work our way through this. 127 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,330 >> Darryl, are you the only 128 00:05:04,333 --> 00:05:06,103 monogamous player in the league? 129 00:05:06,100 --> 00:05:11,630 >> Well-- 130 00:05:11,633 --> 00:05:12,703 No comment. 131 00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:13,570 >> Darryl. 132 00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:14,427 >> Darryl. 133 00:05:14,433 --> 00:05:15,373 >> No more questions. 134 00:05:15,367 --> 00:05:16,667 >> Once again, the NBA's 135 00:05:16,667 --> 00:05:18,067 Darryl Powell comes out 136 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:19,767 as monogamous. 137 00:05:19,767 --> 00:05:21,127 Monogamy, a condition in which 138 00:05:21,133 --> 00:05:22,973 the person has only one sexual 139 00:05:22,967 --> 00:05:24,327 partner was thought to be 140 00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:25,903 non-existent in professional 141 00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:26,800 sports. 142 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:27,770 >> I don't like other women, 143 00:05:27,767 --> 00:05:28,727 okay? 144 00:05:28,733 --> 00:05:29,633 >> As expected, Powell's 145 00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,073 announcement set off a firestorm 146 00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:33,297 of reaction around the league. 147 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,270 >> Is monogamy contagious? 148 00:05:35,267 --> 00:05:36,227 No, I'm serious, like, 149 00:05:36,233 --> 00:05:38,073 how can you even get that? 150 00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:39,097 >> Hey, Darryl, when I cheat on 151 00:05:39,100 --> 00:05:40,670 my wife, will you keep your fat, 152 00:05:40,667 --> 00:05:42,797 monogamous mouth shut, huh? 153 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,270 >> What if we're in the shower, 154 00:05:44,267 --> 00:05:46,627 you know, and he wants to. talk 155 00:05:46,633 --> 00:05:48,803 about his wife and their future? 156 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,700 >> Hours ago, Steel Body Spray 157 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:52,170 announced they have pulled their 158 00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:53,527 commercial starring the 6'8" 159 00:05:53,533 --> 00:05:54,703 small forward, stating they 160 00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:59,200 cannot condone soft-ass dudes. 161 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,230 Here to help us make sense of 162 00:06:00,233 --> 00:06:01,503 these developments, live via 163 00:06:01,500 --> 00:06:04,200 satellite, monosexual 164 00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:05,200 Darryl Powell. 165 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,270 Darryl, what's going on, 166 00:06:06,267 --> 00:06:07,227 man? 167 00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:08,203 >> Well, ever since the 168 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:09,170 announcement, I've received 169 00:06:09,167 --> 00:06:10,227 multiple death threats and I 170 00:06:10,233 --> 00:06:11,833 have no plans of putting my 171 00:06:11,833 --> 00:06:13,973 wife's life in danger, 172 00:06:13,967 --> 00:06:15,067 especially since she's the only 173 00:06:15,067 --> 00:06:16,527 one I'm having sex with. 174 00:06:16,533 --> 00:06:18,333 >> Yeah, that's. Yeah. 175 00:06:18,333 --> 00:06:19,903 >> So after this season, I'm 176 00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:22,700 taking my talents to Kansas 177 00:06:22,700 --> 00:06:24,200 where all the other monogamous 178 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:25,130 people live. 179 00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:26,503 >> Well, God help you, Darryl. 180 00:06:26,500 --> 00:06:27,970 After the break, the NFL steroid 181 00:06:27,967 --> 00:06:28,967 problem-- they've eaten 182 00:06:28,967 --> 00:06:29,927 them all. 183 00:06:29,933 --> 00:06:30,903 That and more on 184 00:06:30,900 --> 00:06:32,970 "Sports News." 185 00:06:32,967 --> 00:06:33,967 >> Hey, yo, would you mind 186 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:35,897 taking a picture of all of us? 187 00:06:35,900 --> 00:06:36,970 Would that be cool? 188 00:06:36,967 --> 00:06:39,097 Okay, just, the button. 189 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,100 The bottom button. 190 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:41,070 >> Three count? 191 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,067 >> Give us like a one, two, 192 00:06:42,067 --> 00:06:43,067 three. 193 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,067 >> Three, cheese. 194 00:06:44,067 --> 00:06:49,897 >> One, two, three. 195 00:06:49,900 --> 00:06:51,170 There you go. 196 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:03,070 (giggling) 197 00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:05,567 ** 198 00:07:09,567 --> 00:07:11,797 >> The end is coming! 199 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:14,470 The end is coming, everybody! 200 00:07:14,467 --> 00:07:15,827 Technically speaking. 201 00:07:15,833 --> 00:07:17,233 In like, 2.8 million 202 00:07:17,233 --> 00:07:20,073 years the sun is gonna totally 203 00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:21,227 engulf the earth, at which 204 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,673 point, you know, 205 00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:23,697 that'll be the end. 206 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,200 And I know like, that seems 207 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:27,100 like a long way away, but like, 208 00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:29,570 the end' speaking-- Whoa. 209 00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:31,067 >> (laughing) 210 00:07:31,067 --> 00:07:32,067 >> Well, you two seem to be 211 00:07:32,067 --> 00:07:33,067 hitting it off. 212 00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,067 I'm glad we finally 213 00:07:34,067 --> 00:07:35,067 got you together. 214 00:07:35,067 --> 00:07:36,797 >> Yeah. 215 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:37,770 >> Okay, let's play two truths 216 00:07:37,767 --> 00:07:38,727 and a lie. I played it 217 00:07:38,733 --> 00:07:39,733 in college and I would 218 00:07:39,733 --> 00:07:41,233 die laughing. 219 00:07:41,233 --> 00:07:42,603 Uh, Sean, you go first. 220 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,670 Two truths and a lie. 221 00:07:43,667 --> 00:07:47,397 >> Okay, I went to Yale, 222 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:51,500 I love to windsurf and I have a 223 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,730 parasitic brain worm. 224 00:07:53,733 --> 00:07:55,103 >> Too easy. 225 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:56,330 The brain worm. 226 00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,373 >> Oh no, I got a brain worm. 227 00:07:58,367 --> 00:07:59,327 It's in my head. 228 00:07:59,333 --> 00:08:00,773 I got it while 229 00:08:00,767 --> 00:08:01,967 eating contaminated pork while 230 00:08:01,967 --> 00:08:03,227 doing Habitat for Humanity in 231 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,473 Guatemala. 232 00:08:04,467 --> 00:08:05,427 The doctor said it 233 00:08:05,433 --> 00:08:06,473 would be too risky to remove it. 234 00:08:06,467 --> 00:08:07,527 >> Did you hear that, Julia? 235 00:08:07,533 --> 00:08:08,573 Guatemala. 236 00:08:08,567 --> 00:08:09,527 >> You ever been to Guatemala? 237 00:08:09,533 --> 00:08:10,503 >> No. 238 00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:11,500 >> You should really go. 239 00:08:11,500 --> 00:08:14,770 It's ama-- (screaming) Oh God! 240 00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:17,897 (screaming) Oh my God. 241 00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:19,700 I'm so sorry. 242 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:20,770 Must be the wine-- The worm 243 00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,727 don't like wine sometimes. 244 00:08:22,733 --> 00:08:23,573 I'm going to go to the restroom 245 00:08:23,567 --> 00:08:24,327 real quick, do you mind? 246 00:08:24,333 --> 00:08:25,133 >> Take a thousand minutes. 247 00:08:25,133 --> 00:08:27,673 >> Excuse me. 248 00:08:27,667 --> 00:08:29,827 >> What the (bleep) just 249 00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:30,933 happened? 250 00:08:30,933 --> 00:08:31,603 >> I knew you were going to 251 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:32,730 react like this, Julia. 252 00:08:32,733 --> 00:08:33,433 >> That man has a worm in his 253 00:08:33,433 --> 00:08:34,403 brain. 254 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:35,400 >> Sean is a catch. 255 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,370 He helps poor Guatemalans. 256 00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:38,127 >> I think you just need to 257 00:08:38,133 --> 00:08:39,233 relax, I think you need to open 258 00:08:39,233 --> 00:08:40,903 up your heart to love, okay? 259 00:08:40,900 --> 00:08:42,970 >> Hey, I'm back. 260 00:08:42,967 --> 00:08:43,927 Party on. 261 00:08:43,933 --> 00:08:44,933 >> Well, back to the game. 262 00:08:44,933 --> 00:08:47,703 My turn: I love fudge-- 263 00:08:47,700 --> 00:08:48,470 >> Can I ask a question about 264 00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:49,897 that brain worm? 265 00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:51,430 >> Okay, shoot. 266 00:08:51,433 --> 00:08:52,833 >> Is it a permanent brain worm? 267 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:55,633 >> No, it's not perm-- No. 268 00:08:55,633 --> 00:08:56,873 Eventually it will die. 269 00:08:56,867 --> 00:08:59,397 And it will start to rot. 270 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:00,570 And you know, 271 00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:01,467 they'll suction it right out of 272 00:09:01,467 --> 00:09:02,167 my head. 273 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:03,367 I just hope it dies 274 00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:04,427 before my charity marathon 275 00:09:04,433 --> 00:09:05,303 in June. 276 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:06,600 >> Oh my God, charity marathon, 277 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:07,600 Julia. 278 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,130 >> So rot, you say. 279 00:09:09,133 --> 00:09:11,933 >> Yeah, ah, I'm so sorry. 280 00:09:11,933 --> 00:09:13,533 Sometimes the worm gains control 281 00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:14,773 of my motor functions when it 282 00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:16,427 wants bread and butter. 283 00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:19,333 I apologize. 284 00:09:19,333 --> 00:09:20,903 >> And it causes you to eat 285 00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:22,330 butter like that. 286 00:09:22,333 --> 00:09:23,973 >> Sometimes. 287 00:09:23,967 --> 00:09:24,767 Excuse me. 288 00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:25,697 I'm going upstairs 289 00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:26,800 to the bathroom. 290 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,400 >> Yeah, mm-hmm. 291 00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,600 So that worm controls his body. 292 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,370 >> Do me a favor. 293 00:09:32,367 --> 00:09:33,227 How is this any different 294 00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:34,403 from when you dated that DJ? 295 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:35,370 You dated a DJ. 296 00:09:35,367 --> 00:09:36,327 Spin-- 297 00:09:40,367 --> 00:09:42,127 >> I'm sorry. 298 00:09:42,133 --> 00:09:42,773 It's been a rough year. 299 00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:45,597 I'm not going to lie. 300 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:46,600 And it means a lot that 301 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:47,570 you guys invited me out. 302 00:09:47,567 --> 00:09:49,167 I appreciate it a lot. 303 00:09:49,167 --> 00:09:50,327 I just, I'm just happy 304 00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:51,233 that people still want 305 00:09:51,233 --> 00:09:52,533 to hang out with me even after 306 00:09:52,533 --> 00:09:54,073 knowing about the disgusting 307 00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,327 nature of my illness. 308 00:09:56,333 --> 00:10:00,073 >> You are so brave. 309 00:10:00,067 --> 00:10:02,197 It's just so inspiring-- 310 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,170 >> Sean? 311 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,167 I just gotta-- 312 00:10:04,167 --> 00:10:05,127 There's a little bit. 313 00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:06,103 >> It's coming out. 314 00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:07,070 >> The tail, is it the tail? 315 00:10:07,067 --> 00:10:08,097 The tail's out? 316 00:10:08,100 --> 00:10:09,830 Okay, somebody better get it. 317 00:10:09,833 --> 00:10:10,773 Get it, get it! 318 00:10:10,767 --> 00:10:11,967 >> No! 319 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:14,927 (all speaking at once) 320 00:10:14,933 --> 00:10:16,173 >> No, no! 321 00:10:16,167 --> 00:10:17,067 I will not scoop a 322 00:10:17,067 --> 00:10:18,397 worm out of your nose with that 323 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:19,730 tiny knife! 324 00:10:19,733 --> 00:10:22,003 Get out of my way! 325 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:22,700 >> You're not getting any 326 00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,200 younger, Julia. 327 00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:24,900 >> Well, we have failed as 328 00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:26,500 matchmakers. 329 00:10:26,500 --> 00:10:27,500 >> Thank you so much, that's so 330 00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,500 stuffed up. 331 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:30,270 >> Oh, don't worry about it. 332 00:10:30,267 --> 00:10:31,067 What are neighbors for? 333 00:10:31,067 --> 00:10:32,127 I can get this unclogged 334 00:10:32,133 --> 00:10:34,103 for you in no time. 335 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,000 >> Toss it, Lenny. 336 00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:36,630 >> Toss it, Lenny? 337 00:10:36,633 --> 00:10:39,873 (screaming) 338 00:10:46,667 --> 00:10:47,997 >> Old Killers! 339 00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:54,470 >> Yo, that's Keith. 340 00:10:54,467 --> 00:10:55,497 >> And that's Kenny. 341 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:56,300 >> And welcome to the latest 342 00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:57,270 episode of 343 00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:58,427 "Squabblin' and Quarrelin'" 344 00:10:58,433 --> 00:10:59,303 where we squabble 345 00:10:59,300 --> 00:11:00,130 and quarrel about some of 346 00:11:00,133 --> 00:11:01,933 the hot topics, 2014. 347 00:11:01,933 --> 00:11:03,103 >> Yep. 348 00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,070 >> First topic, 349 00:11:04,067 --> 00:11:05,127 "Crash Bandicoot." 350 00:11:05,133 --> 00:11:06,533 >> Let's squabble and quarrel. 351 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:09,873 It's a good game. 352 00:11:09,867 --> 00:11:10,897 >> Still holds up. 353 00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,830 >> Yeah, after all these years. 354 00:11:12,833 --> 00:11:14,333 You want to play today? 355 00:11:14,333 --> 00:11:16,633 >> Let's do it. 356 00:11:16,633 --> 00:11:18,173 >>All right. 357 00:11:18,167 --> 00:11:19,767 >> All right. 358 00:11:19,767 --> 00:11:22,127 >> Second topic, cookies. 359 00:11:22,133 --> 00:11:24,133 >> Let's squabble and quarrel. 360 00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:25,373 >> I'm a big fan of oatmeal 361 00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:26,497 raisin personally. 362 00:11:26,500 --> 00:11:27,330 >> Word? 363 00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:28,273 >> Yeah. 364 00:11:28,267 --> 00:11:29,067 >> You don't like chocolate 365 00:11:29,067 --> 00:11:30,197 chip? 366 00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:31,200 >> I like those too. 367 00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:31,930 >> Nothing better than chocolate 368 00:11:31,933 --> 00:11:32,733 chip. 369 00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:37,603 >> Can you name one thing? 370 00:11:37,600 --> 00:11:38,970 >> No. 371 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:39,967 >> All right. 372 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,427 Final topic, drone strikes. 373 00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:42,873 >> Let's squabble and quarrel. 374 00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:43,797 >> I don't know much about it. 375 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,100 >> Me either. 376 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:45,800 I don't know anything about 377 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:46,800 drone strikes, man. 378 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,100 >> See, the only thing I know is 379 00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:49,730 that since 2008, 380 00:11:49,733 --> 00:11:50,403 the United States has 381 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,900 employed about 5,331 382 00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:55,570 unmanned aerial vehicles. 383 00:11:55,567 --> 00:11:56,867 You see, on the plus side, 384 00:11:56,867 --> 00:11:57,767 you're not risking American 385 00:11:57,767 --> 00:11:58,467 lives. 386 00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,227 No troops have 387 00:11:59,233 --> 00:12:00,503 to hit the ground. 388 00:12:00,500 --> 00:12:01,670 But on the downside, it's like a 389 00:12:01,667 --> 00:12:03,067 detached experience. 390 00:12:03,067 --> 00:12:03,867 We're actually really 391 00:12:03,867 --> 00:12:04,727 murdering people 392 00:12:04,733 --> 00:12:06,103 and killing a lot of innocent 393 00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:09,970 civilians. 394 00:12:09,967 --> 00:12:11,297 >> I just did a little bit of 395 00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:12,270 independent research. 396 00:12:12,267 --> 00:12:12,967 >> Okay. 397 00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:13,897 >> And I think I do dig oatmeal 398 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:14,930 cookies, man. 399 00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:15,673 They're pretty dope. 400 00:12:15,667 --> 00:12:18,597 >> Mm. 401 00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:19,500 >> That was it. 402 00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:21,700 >> Yeah, that was the show. 403 00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:22,700 >> That's "Squabblin' and 404 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:23,670 Quarrelin'" 405 00:12:23,667 --> 00:12:24,597 >> That's "Squabblin' 406 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:25,570 and Quarrelin'" 407 00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:26,527 with the Lucas Brothers. 408 00:12:26,533 --> 00:12:28,803 Goodnight, guys. 409 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,300 >> Yeah, goodbye. 410 00:12:30,300 --> 00:12:33,600 >> (vocalizing) 411 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,330 Hey, you ever 412 00:12:34,333 --> 00:12:37,203 have French toast before? 413 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,230 Hey, where you going? 414 00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:39,073 Hold on. 415 00:12:39,067 --> 00:12:39,867 Wait, wait, wait, wait, 416 00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:43,167 wait, wait, wait, wait. 417 00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:44,427 All right, keep going. 418 00:12:44,433 --> 00:12:45,833 Go ahead-- Do your thing. 419 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:46,803 How you doing? 420 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,670 I'm Tracy, man. 421 00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,067 Sit in my lap, man. 422 00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:51,827 Like Santa. 423 00:12:51,833 --> 00:12:52,803 I got pepperoni in my 424 00:12:52,800 --> 00:12:53,830 belly button. 425 00:12:53,833 --> 00:12:56,703 ** 426 00:13:01,567 --> 00:13:03,567 >> Lady with the red hair and 427 00:13:03,567 --> 00:13:05,267 the phone, can I have a moment 428 00:13:05,267 --> 00:13:06,827 of your time? 429 00:13:06,833 --> 00:13:09,273 Please? No? Sir. 430 00:13:09,267 --> 00:13:10,267 Could I have a moment of your 431 00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,897 time for a very worthy cause. 432 00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:12,870 It's going to be the most 433 00:13:12,867 --> 00:13:13,827 important thing you do 434 00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:14,773 in your life. 435 00:13:14,767 --> 00:13:15,667 We're trying to reunite 436 00:13:15,667 --> 00:13:18,067 Steve Harvey with his flattop. 437 00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:18,827 >> We're trying to reunite 438 00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:20,103 Steve Harvey and his flattop. 439 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:20,870 We're trying to reunite 440 00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,097 Steve Harvey with his flattop. 441 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:23,070 >> What is a flattop? 442 00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:23,897 >> Oh, I'll show you. 443 00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:24,730 >> We're trying to get 444 00:13:24,733 --> 00:13:25,573 Steve Harvey to put 445 00:13:25,567 --> 00:13:26,467 his flattop back on. 446 00:13:26,467 --> 00:13:27,097 >> I'll sign for that. 447 00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:28,100 >> Thank you. 448 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:30,600 >> It's a movement, baby. 449 00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:32,700 Yeah. 450 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:33,770 >> They see the bigger picture. 451 00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,267 >> They understand that the 452 00:13:35,267 --> 00:13:37,467 flattop needs to come back. 453 00:13:37,467 --> 00:13:38,767 >> Hey, man, you ain't gonna 454 00:13:38,767 --> 00:13:40,127 find better coke than this. 455 00:13:47,967 --> 00:13:49,167 >> No, this ain't pure. 456 00:13:49,167 --> 00:13:52,197 I'm not buying this. 457 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:53,770 >> That's fine. 458 00:13:53,767 --> 00:13:54,467 You ain't have 459 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:56,927 to buy it. 460 00:13:56,933 --> 00:13:57,973 But you ruined my bag. 461 00:14:01,467 --> 00:14:02,467 >> What are you talking about? 462 00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:03,667 >> You put a knife in the bag 463 00:14:03,667 --> 00:14:05,067 and you ruined it. 464 00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:06,097 >> Look, I didn't ruin anything. 465 00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:06,800 All I did was poke a hole 466 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:07,530 in there. 467 00:14:07,533 --> 00:14:08,233 >> Just a hol-- Dude, do you 468 00:14:08,233 --> 00:14:09,603 know what bags do? 469 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,600 >> Look, I know what bags do. 470 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,570 Especially bags of drugs. 471 00:14:11,567 --> 00:14:12,527 Okay, what you do is 472 00:14:12,533 --> 00:14:13,503 you poke a hole 473 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:14,470 in it, you put your finger in 474 00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:15,427 there and then you try it out. 475 00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:16,403 >> Then you could have just used 476 00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,370 the sample flap. 477 00:14:17,367 --> 00:14:18,367 >> Nobody said nothing about 478 00:14:18,367 --> 00:14:19,327 a sample flap! 479 00:14:19,333 --> 00:14:20,203 >> How do you not know about the 480 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:21,170 sample flap? 481 00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:21,897 I mean, everybody 482 00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:23,100 knows about a sample flap. 483 00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:23,830 >> Look here, if you would have 484 00:14:23,833 --> 00:14:24,773 said something to me about a 485 00:14:24,767 --> 00:14:25,697 sample flap, I would have 486 00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:29,630 sampled flap. 487 00:14:29,633 --> 00:14:30,873 Who is this guy? 488 00:14:30,867 --> 00:14:31,597 >> He's my neighbor. 489 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:32,830 >> Holy smokes, that's a lot of 490 00:14:32,833 --> 00:14:37,503 cocaine! 491 00:14:37,500 --> 00:14:38,830 Giddyup! 492 00:14:38,833 --> 00:14:40,073 >> He sample flapped. 493 00:14:40,067 --> 00:14:41,327 >> You didn't sample flap? 494 00:14:41,333 --> 00:14:42,373 >> Just tape it up, okay? 495 00:14:42,367 --> 00:14:43,327 >> Do you know how hard it is to 496 00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:44,303 take powder and put it in a 497 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:45,300 brick shape? 498 00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,300 >> We gotta smoosh it all 499 00:14:46,300 --> 00:14:47,200 together-- 500 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,200 >> And then you gotta fold it. 501 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,070 >> And that folding's worse than 502 00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:49,767 the smooshing. 503 00:14:49,767 --> 00:14:50,767 >> Yeah, it is. 504 00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:51,967 >> I ain't got time for this. 505 00:14:51,967 --> 00:14:52,897 I'm about to leave. 506 00:14:52,900 --> 00:14:53,870 All right, you take care. 507 00:14:53,867 --> 00:14:55,797 It was a good-- 508 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:56,930 >> You better re-bag up that 509 00:14:56,933 --> 00:14:58,373 stuff or we're going to put a 510 00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:02,897 sample flap in your head. 511 00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,600 >> Sample this. 512 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:05,500 >> I told you, you gotta turn 513 00:15:05,500 --> 00:15:06,530 the fan on when you got company 514 00:15:06,533 --> 00:15:07,403 over. 515 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:08,330 It's too hot in here. 516 00:15:08,333 --> 00:15:09,173 >> No! 517 00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:17,273 ** 518 00:15:17,267 --> 00:15:19,397 >> Well, uh, thank you for 519 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,370 coming on a date with me. 520 00:15:21,367 --> 00:15:22,427 Sorry. 521 00:15:22,433 --> 00:15:23,373 I don't even know what I'm 522 00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:25,097 doing-- I'm not really good at 523 00:15:25,100 --> 00:15:26,230 first dates, I never-- 524 00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:30,603 >> Oh, neither am I. 525 00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:31,530 >> So. 526 00:15:31,533 --> 00:15:32,403 >> (together) What are you 527 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:33,070 going to order? 528 00:15:33,067 --> 00:15:34,367 Jinx! 529 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,627 Double jinx! 530 00:15:36,633 --> 00:15:37,573 >> You know, I'm pretty sure 531 00:15:37,567 --> 00:15:38,967 when you do a double jinx, you 532 00:15:38,967 --> 00:15:40,327 have to buy me a drink. 533 00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:41,733 >> No, actually, I'm pretty sure 534 00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:42,833 double jinx is when you act- 535 00:15:42,833 --> 00:15:52,573 (guns shot) 536 00:15:52,567 --> 00:15:54,067 >> Old killers! 537 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:58,930 >> Hey, yo, is that-- Is that 538 00:15:58,933 --> 00:16:03,633 Steve Harvey's flattop? 539 00:16:03,633 --> 00:16:05,273 >> You know, I think it is. 540 00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:06,697 >> Only one way to find out. 541 00:16:06,700 --> 00:16:07,870 >> Hey, yo, flattop. 542 00:16:07,867 --> 00:16:09,797 Are you Steve Harvey's flattop? 543 00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:10,800 >> Yeah, I'm Steve Harvey's 544 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:11,970 flattop. 545 00:16:11,967 --> 00:16:12,667 >> What happened with you 546 00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:13,627 and Steve? 547 00:16:13,633 --> 00:16:14,403 >> He thought he looked better 548 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,370 without me. 549 00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:16,527 So I had to leave. 550 00:16:16,533 --> 00:16:17,473 >> Oh. 551 00:16:17,467 --> 00:16:18,427 >> Oh. 552 00:16:18,433 --> 00:16:19,573 >> Well, what are you doing 553 00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:20,327 today? 554 00:16:20,333 --> 00:16:21,273 >> Oh, I just got this bike 555 00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:22,367 race. 556 00:16:22,367 --> 00:16:24,597 >> You have a bike race? 557 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,470 Can we come watch? 558 00:16:26,467 --> 00:16:27,327 >> Sure. 559 00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:28,603 >> Yes! 560 00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,270 >>All right! 561 00:16:31,267 --> 00:16:32,167 >> Well, let's finish our ice 562 00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,227 cream first though. 563 00:16:43,667 --> 00:16:46,527 >> On your mark, get set, go! 564 00:16:46,533 --> 00:16:49,133 >> Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. 565 00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:53,427 >> Man, I didn't think this 566 00:16:53,433 --> 00:16:54,733 one through. 567 00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:55,633 Anyway, thanks for 568 00:16:55,633 --> 00:16:57,073 coming to my bike race! 569 00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:57,827 >> Hey, man, you can't win 'em 570 00:16:57,833 --> 00:16:59,273 all, flattop. 571 00:16:59,267 --> 00:17:00,327 Have a good day. 572 00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:01,073 >> We're going to get out of 573 00:17:01,067 --> 00:17:01,827 here, man. 574 00:17:01,833 --> 00:17:02,973 >> Wait, wait, wait. 575 00:17:02,967 --> 00:17:03,927 I hate to ask, 576 00:17:03,933 --> 00:17:04,973 but I'm trying to get a 577 00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:06,367 bird to fly me home. 578 00:17:06,367 --> 00:17:07,767 You mind giving me a toss? 579 00:17:07,767 --> 00:17:09,127 >> Uh, yeah. 580 00:17:09,133 --> 00:17:11,773 No worries, I can do that. 581 00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:13,767 See you later, flattop. 582 00:17:13,767 --> 00:17:15,197 >> Thanks, fellas! 583 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,200 Whoo! 584 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:16,970 >> Bye, flattop. 585 00:17:16,967 --> 00:17:18,367 >> Bye. 586 00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:19,667 >> Bye, flattop. 587 00:17:24,233 --> 00:17:25,473 >> Excuse me. 588 00:17:25,467 --> 00:17:26,397 Is there a camera 589 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,200 crew behind me? 590 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,330 Like, a light dude. 591 00:17:29,333 --> 00:17:30,373 >> Yeah. 592 00:17:30,367 --> 00:17:31,167 >> Oh, damn it! 593 00:17:35,067 --> 00:17:37,627 ** 594 00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:53,067 ** 595 00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:02,097 >> I was gonna marry this girl, 596 00:18:02,100 --> 00:18:02,900 you know, I was. 597 00:18:02,900 --> 00:18:05,470 And then. Boom. 598 00:18:05,467 --> 00:18:07,097 She was gone. 599 00:18:07,100 --> 00:18:08,430 >> Just let me set you up with 600 00:18:08,433 --> 00:18:11,503 my friend Katie. 601 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:13,070 >> I don't want Katie. 602 00:18:13,067 --> 00:18:16,097 >> What do you want, man? 603 00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:16,730 >> I want to go to 604 00:18:16,733 --> 00:18:18,473 Chuckle Cheese's. 605 00:18:18,467 --> 00:18:19,597 Wow, look at this. 606 00:18:19,600 --> 00:18:20,330 We used to come here 607 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,273 all the time. 608 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:22,067 >> I cannot believe you're so 609 00:18:22,067 --> 00:18:22,797 excited. 610 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:23,670 >> Hey! 611 00:18:23,667 --> 00:18:25,167 Welcome to Chuckle Cheese's. 612 00:18:25,167 --> 00:18:26,197 Name's Herbie. 613 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:27,830 You guys here for a party? 614 00:18:27,833 --> 00:18:28,773 >> Uh, no, actually, we just 615 00:18:28,767 --> 00:18:30,167 came by ourselves. 616 00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,267 >> I'm sorry, fellas, but adults 617 00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:33,227 can't get inside Chuckle 618 00:18:33,233 --> 00:18:34,203 Cheese's unless they're 619 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:38,600 accompanied by a child. 620 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:39,530 Sorry about that. 621 00:18:39,533 --> 00:18:43,273 Rules are rules. 622 00:18:43,267 --> 00:18:45,197 >> You know what? 623 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,670 Set me up with Katie. 624 00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:48,667 >> Really? 625 00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:51,197 >> Yeah. 626 00:18:51,200 --> 00:18:58,900 ** 627 00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:23,267 >> Okay. 628 00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:24,327 Congratulations, you got 629 00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:26,633 a beautiful baby boy. 630 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:27,573 >> Finally! 631 00:19:27,567 --> 00:19:29,897 >> What? 632 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:30,800 Wait! 633 00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,630 (choir singing) 634 00:20:07,633 --> 00:20:08,933 >> Every year, thousands of 635 00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:11,103 adult men impregnate women 636 00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,400 solely to gain entry 637 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:13,730 to Chuckle Cheese's. 638 00:20:13,733 --> 00:20:15,273 Stop the madness. 639 00:20:15,267 --> 00:20:16,927 Legalize unaccompanied adult 640 00:20:16,933 --> 00:20:18,073 playzone entry. 641 00:20:20,300 --> 00:20:22,100 >> Get on down get on down 642 00:20:22,100 --> 00:20:24,800 get on up with that booty 643 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,630 get on down with that booty 644 00:20:26,633 --> 00:20:28,303 Sweat pants sweat pants 645 00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:30,170 six pack six pack 646 00:20:30,167 --> 00:20:31,027 look at them nipples 647 00:20:31,033 --> 00:20:33,573 look at them nipples 648 00:20:33,567 --> 00:20:35,397 Look at that look at that 649 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:36,970 tap the ground tap the ground 650 00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:37,827 what you looking for 651 00:20:37,833 --> 00:20:42,673 your keys your your money 652 00:20:42,667 --> 00:20:43,997 what you got what you lose 653 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,030 your contact what you lose 654 00:20:47,033 --> 00:20:48,433 let's find it find it 655 00:20:48,433 --> 00:20:49,373 with your foot point at the air