1
00:00:00,620 --> 00:00:02,716
♪ Oh, Mandy

2
00:00:02,740 --> 00:00:07,956
♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking

3
00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:09,756
♪ But I sent you away

4
00:00:09,780 --> 00:00:12,356
♪ Oh, Mandy

5
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:17,276
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

6
00:00:17,300 --> 00:00:19,436
♪ And I need you today

7
00:00:19,460 --> 00:00:21,716
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

8
00:00:21,740 --> 00:00:23,796
And that's why they should be shot.

9
00:00:23,820 --> 00:00:26,716
Controversial stuff from
Ben in Bow, there. Thank you, Ben.

10
00:00:26,740 --> 00:00:30,396
Right, now, I think we've got
a first-time caller on line one.

11
00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:33,340
Who's there?
Caller, you're live on the radio.

12
00:00:34,580 --> 00:00:36,180
Lain? Yes.

13
00:00:38,620 --> 00:00:41,916
Hello? Lain? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?

14
00:00:41,940 --> 00:00:45,036
Yes. Is that lain?
It is lain. Who's that?

15
00:00:45,060 --> 00:00:47,356
Can I just say, I thought
you were great in the jungle.

16
00:00:47,380 --> 00:00:48,956
Thank you very much.
That's very kind.

17
00:00:48,980 --> 00:00:52,036
What's your name, please, caller?
It's Mandy. Mandy Carter.

18
00:00:52,060 --> 00:00:55,116
Hey, Mandy, nice to talk to you.
Whereabouts are you calling from?

19
00:00:55,140 --> 00:00:57,396
Er, I'm in a coffin, being buried.

20
00:00:57,420 --> 00:00:59,356
Right, OK.
You're in a coffin, being buried.

21
00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:02,556
I've got to say, these wind-up calls
really need to improve a little bit.

22
00:01:02,580 --> 00:01:05,396
No, lain, I wouldn't mind you up.
You sure you're in a coffin?

23
00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:07,076
Yeah. Listen. KNOCKING

24
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,676
Can you hear that?
It sounds like you're in a coffin.

25
00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:12,316
What on Earth are you doing there?
Do you need help? What can I...?

26
00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:16,156
Oh, no, ta, lain. Getting out
would more trouble than it's worth.

27
00:01:16,180 --> 00:01:18,316
Why don't you tell me
what's happened?

28
00:01:18,340 --> 00:01:20,636
Well, it all started two days ago

29
00:01:20,660 --> 00:01:23,910
when an old friend wanted to discuss
a job with me in the Red Cow.

30
00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:33,956
Mandy.

31
00:01:33,980 --> 00:01:35,020
Donna.

32
00:01:36,020 --> 00:01:40,180
I've got a job, big one,
and I'm a player short.

33
00:01:41,620 --> 00:01:45,036
I've told you, I'm retired.
The last one was too close.

34
00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:47,356
I'm putting together
the finest line-up

35
00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:49,156
since the Great Railway Robbery.

36
00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:52,636
Railway...? They got caught!
It's all reliable people.

37
00:01:52,660 --> 00:01:55,036
Lucy Spatchcock, the NutriBullet.

38
00:01:55,060 --> 00:01:57,476
If there's a way into a bank vault,
she'll crack it.

39
00:01:57,500 --> 00:02:00,036
Tina Sinkhole. Driver. Trustworthy.

40
00:02:00,060 --> 00:02:01,636
And she's got a Volvo.

41
00:02:01,660 --> 00:02:05,116
Wendy Typhoid. The fixer.
There ain't nothing she don't know.

42
00:02:05,140 --> 00:02:07,516
Isn't she the one who went on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

43
00:02:07,540 --> 00:02:09,356
and got stuck at £300?

44
00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,020
She comes highly recommended.

45
00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:14,076
What do you want me for?

46
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,596
Surveillance.

47
00:02:15,620 --> 00:02:18,316
Someone to be our eyes and our ears.

48
00:02:18,340 --> 00:02:19,796
I told you, I'm retired.

49
00:02:19,820 --> 00:02:21,916
"I told you, I'm retired."

50
00:02:21,940 --> 00:02:23,876
Especially after what happened
on the last job.

51
00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:26,220
ALARM RINGS
Hello? You still there?

52
00:02:27,220 --> 00:02:30,276
Donna? Donna!

53
00:02:30,300 --> 00:02:32,716
You shouldn't have put weight on,
Mandy. I couldn't help it.

54
00:02:32,740 --> 00:02:35,116
There was Japanese Kit Kats
in some of those deposit boxes.

55
00:02:35,140 --> 00:02:36,716
THUMP! I need this!

56
00:02:36,740 --> 00:02:38,796
I've been planning this
for too long.

57
00:02:38,820 --> 00:02:41,916
This thing has got to run
like a Swiss clock.

58
00:02:41,940 --> 00:02:44,460
Now, are you going to do the job?
Yes or no?

59
00:02:46,140 --> 00:02:47,396
No. Yes!

60
00:02:47,420 --> 00:02:49,636
Fuck off, wanker, you're doing it.

61
00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,196
Is that from a film?

62
00:02:51,220 --> 00:02:52,860
Sexy Beast. Oh, yeah.

63
00:02:55,580 --> 00:02:57,700
Have I done something to upset you,
Mandy?

64
00:02:59,140 --> 00:03:03,676
What? Have I done something
to upset you?

65
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:06,100
No, no, course not, Donna.

66
00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:09,300
You're doing the job.

67
00:03:10,740 --> 00:03:11,790
That's the end of it.

68
00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:14,996
Now get me a taxi!

69
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:17,916
She wanted you to do a robbery?
That's right, lain.

70
00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:20,196
And you said no?
Actually, I said yeah,

71
00:03:20,220 --> 00:03:24,236
but I wasn't really part
of the robbery, I was only lookout.

72
00:03:24,260 --> 00:03:26,076
I had to break into an undertaker's

73
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:29,020
so I could monitor the guards
in the bank next door.

74
00:03:41,820 --> 00:03:43,900
SHE KNOCKS ON WALL

75
00:03:57,380 --> 00:03:59,556
Who do you think runs this country?

76
00:03:59,580 --> 00:04:02,396
Government. No.

77
00:04:02,420 --> 00:04:06,156
Well, yes, but also
the lizard people. Lizard?

78
00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:09,356
No, not lizards.
Like, lizard people.

79
00:04:09,380 --> 00:04:13,076
I mean, these are like hybrids
of lizards and people.

80
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,716
Like, we know what lizards are.
Lizards are just lizards.

81
00:04:15,740 --> 00:04:19,596
These are like lizard people,
people that have...

82
00:04:19,620 --> 00:04:21,476
lizard-y traits.

83
00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:24,156
I've not really... I've not
really read too much about it.

84
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,620
It's mainly my own thinking.

85
00:04:27,580 --> 00:04:28,996
This is Broadsword.

86
00:04:29,020 --> 00:04:31,276
This is Broadsword.
Come in, Donna Ball.

87
00:04:31,300 --> 00:04:33,996
Don't use my real name
over the air, Broadsword.

88
00:04:34,020 --> 00:04:36,596
Shit, sorry, Donna.
Are you in position?

89
00:04:36,620 --> 00:04:38,516
Yeah. I'll give you a shout
if they move.

90
00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:40,380
Good girl. Danny Boy out.

91
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:43,996
Then there's the Queen,
of course. She's another one.

92
00:04:44,020 --> 00:04:45,396
Lizard? Yeah.

93
00:04:45,420 --> 00:04:48,436
A lizard, and like a really
high up lizard as well.

94
00:04:48,460 --> 00:04:50,716
You know, she had Diana killed.

95
00:04:50,740 --> 00:04:52,657
Sway

96
00:04:52,681 --> 00:04:54,620
by Dean Martin

97
00:05:03,620 --> 00:05:07,516
♪ When marimba rhythms
start to play

98
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:11,876
♪ Dance with me Make me sway

99
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:15,516
♪ Like a lazy ocean
Hugs the shore

100
00:05:15,540 --> 00:05:19,716
♪ Hold me close Sway me more

101
00:05:19,740 --> 00:05:23,316
♪ Like a flower bending
in the breeze

102
00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:27,836
♪ Bend with me Sway with ease

103
00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:31,276
♪ When we dance
You have a way with me

104
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:35,876
♪ Stay with me Sway with me

105
00:05:35,900 --> 00:05:39,916
♪ Other dancers may be on the floor

106
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,716
♪ Dear, but my eyes will see
only you

107
00:05:43,740 --> 00:05:47,716
♪ Only you have a magic technique

108
00:05:47,740 --> 00:05:52,076
♪ When we sway I go weak

109
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:55,316
♪ I can hear the sound of violins

110
00:05:55,340 --> 00:06:00,036
♪ Long before it begins

111
00:06:00,060 --> 00:06:03,396
♪ Make me thrill
as only you know how

112
00:06:03,420 --> 00:06:08,276
♪ Sway me smooth
Sway me now... ♪

113
00:06:08,300 --> 00:06:10,316
They're trying to keep it
from people like you,

114
00:06:10,340 --> 00:06:12,700
the little people, the sheeple.

115
00:06:18,300 --> 00:06:21,400
Well, I suppose we'd better have
another once around the vault.

116
00:06:26,860 --> 00:06:29,356
SHE SNORES

117
00:06:29,380 --> 00:06:32,636
DONNA, OVER RADIO: Broadsword?
Broadsword, there's movement.

118
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,956
What is going on?

119
00:06:33,980 --> 00:06:36,036
GUARD, MUFFLED: Hang about.
What's going on here?

120
00:06:36,060 --> 00:06:39,196
Broadsword, what is going on?

121
00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:41,876
- Broadsword. Broadsword! Mandy!
- ALARM BLARES

122
00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:44,276
We've been had! Run, run!

123
00:06:44,300 --> 00:06:46,996
For fuck's sake! Mandy!

124
00:06:47,020 --> 00:06:49,076
You fell asleep in the coffin?

125
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:52,276
Yeah. Well, I'd had about two pints
of Advocaat, of course I did.

126
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:54,396
Right. So when did you wake up?

127
00:06:54,420 --> 00:06:57,660
Er, well, I woke up this morning.

128
00:07:06,540 --> 00:07:08,676
God, she's barely recognisable.

129
00:07:08,700 --> 00:07:11,556
Yeah, well, the illness
really took its toll.

130
00:07:11,580 --> 00:07:14,196
What's she wearing
a tool belt for?

131
00:07:14,220 --> 00:07:16,260
Oh, God, she looks terrible.

132
00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:21,420
Oh, God.

133
00:07:27,620 --> 00:07:29,796
RATTLING

134
00:07:29,820 --> 00:07:31,357
Crime Of The Century

135
00:07:31,381 --> 00:07:32,940
by Supertramp

136
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,220
PHONE BEEPS

137
00:07:50,180 --> 00:07:51,417
One, two, three, hup!

138
00:07:51,441 --> 00:07:52,700
CREAKING

139
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:03,260
THUD

140
00:08:04,460 --> 00:08:05,676
PHONE BEEPS

141
00:08:05,700 --> 00:08:08,676
Hey, Siri, I'm trapped in a coffin.
What do I do?

142
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:10,537
PHONE BEEPS

143
00:08:10,561 --> 00:08:12,396
I found this on the web.

144
00:08:12,420 --> 00:08:15,956
Hi, guys! Thanks to all of you
so much if you've left a comment,

145
00:08:15,980 --> 00:08:18,276
you've liked or subscribed
to my channel.

146
00:08:18,300 --> 00:08:20,596
Today we're going to be talking
about what to do

147
00:08:20,620 --> 00:08:22,556
if you're trapped in a coffin.

148
00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:24,156
Help!

149
00:08:24,180 --> 00:08:26,916
I'm trapped in a coffin!

150
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:30,716
Now, first of all, it's really
important you don't panic.

151
00:08:30,740 --> 00:08:33,676
Don't panic! Rr-aa! Ps-hw!

152
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:37,236
You've got about enough oxygen
to last about 90 minutes.

153
00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:39,356
TICKING, HE SCREAMS

154
00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:42,316
But if you panic, you're going
to use it up too quickly.

155
00:08:42,340 --> 00:08:44,316
CHURCH BELLS RESONATE

156
00:08:44,340 --> 00:08:47,636
To slow down your breathing,
try meditation.

157
00:08:47,660 --> 00:08:49,596
Oo-mm!

158
00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:53,876
Or imagine you're somewhere
peaceful, like a tropical beach.

159
00:08:56,260 --> 00:08:59,836
Or basically just anywhere else
that isn't a coffin.

160
00:09:15,940 --> 00:09:18,396
Stupid little shit.

161
00:09:20,541 --> 00:09:22,636
It's only a cucumber!

162
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,356
Hello, Mandy Carter speaking.

163
00:09:29,380 --> 00:09:31,676
Hi, Mandy.
It's Dani from Fitness First.

164
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:34,756
Is now a good time to talk?
Er, yeah. Why not?

165
00:09:34,780 --> 00:09:36,476
Great! Well, just to let you know,

166
00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:39,036
our special offer of signing up
without paying the joining fee

167
00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:43,116
is still on. So just so you don't
miss out, can we sign you up today?

168
00:09:43,140 --> 00:09:45,516
Oh, no. You're all right. Thanks.

169
00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:48,156
Right, what is it that's making you
have reservations?

170
00:09:48,180 --> 00:09:50,036
Oh, no. It's a really good offer
and that.

171
00:09:50,060 --> 00:09:52,580
It's just that I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.

172
00:09:54,540 --> 00:09:56,796
Hello? Oh, sorry.

173
00:09:56,820 --> 00:09:59,236
For a second I thought you said
you were stuck in a coffin.

174
00:09:59,260 --> 00:10:02,396
No, I am. I'm having
a really bad day, actually.

175
00:10:02,420 --> 00:10:05,396
OK. Well, should we try you later,
after you've had a little think?

176
00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:08,076
Yeah, yeah. All right.
All right. Bye.

177
00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:21,636
Oh, look, if it's Fitness First,
it's definitely a no.

178
00:10:21,660 --> 00:10:23,476
Fitness fucking First?!

179
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:26,356
I'm going to fucking kill you,
you bellend.

180
00:10:26,380 --> 00:10:28,156
Oh, hiya, Donna.

181
00:10:28,180 --> 00:10:29,716
I'm going to bury you alive.

182
00:10:29,740 --> 00:10:30,916
Funny you should say that.

183
00:10:30,940 --> 00:10:34,556
I'm in the nick and I get to make
one fucking phone call

184
00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:36,036
and I'm using it to tell you

185
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:38,716
that I'm going to squash your
fucking skull like a watermelon,

186
00:10:38,740 --> 00:10:40,116
you cunt!

187
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:43,796
Oh, look, Donna, I'm really sorry
about falling asleep on the job,

188
00:10:43,820 --> 00:10:46,116
but I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.

189
00:10:46,140 --> 00:10:47,980
Don't give me excuses, you fuck.

190
00:10:49,220 --> 00:10:52,116
Um, I'm going into a tunnel.

191
00:10:53,860 --> 00:10:57,780
Ah... Be... Oh... I...

192
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:18,276
Hiya, Lola. Oh, hi, Mandy.
How are you, my darling?

193
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:20,716
Eh, yeah. Not, not so bad.

194
00:11:20,740 --> 00:11:23,116
Listen, sorry to be a bother,

195
00:11:23,140 --> 00:11:27,036
but I don't think I'm going to
make my appointment this afternoon.

196
00:11:27,060 --> 00:11:29,916
OK, my darling.
Are you still on for next week?

197
00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:33,116
No, I don't think I'm going to
make that one either.

198
00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:38,556
Look, I've got to go.
OK. Bye. Bye, Lola.

199
00:11:38,580 --> 00:11:40,436
You've been a good friend to me.

200
00:11:40,460 --> 00:11:43,196
I'm still going to have to
charge you the cancellation fee.

201
00:11:43,220 --> 00:11:46,196
All right. Fair enough.
All the best.

202
00:11:54,140 --> 00:11:58,780
"I am the resurrection
and the love," sayeth the Lord.

203
00:12:00,180 --> 00:12:05,036
"He that believeth in me, though
he were dead, yet shall he live."

204
00:12:06,061 --> 00:12:07,061
And whosoever...

205
00:12:09,220 --> 00:12:11,156
- "And whosoever liveth..."

206
00:12:11,180 --> 00:12:13,740
"And believeth in me
shall never die."

207
00:12:15,260 --> 00:12:18,436
The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away.

208
00:12:18,460 --> 00:12:20,036
Blessed be the name of the Lord.

209
00:12:37,620 --> 00:12:41,356
And that's how I got here
and I thought, "I'll call lain Lee."

210
00:12:41,380 --> 00:12:43,836
I've never called
a radio station before.

211
00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:45,676
Ticked something off
the bucket list. Hey,

212
00:12:45,700 --> 00:12:47,676
don't speak like that, Mandy.
It's not too late.

213
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,156
We can still send help. OK?

214
00:12:49,180 --> 00:12:50,636
No, you're all right, lain.

215
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:53,316
Thing is, if I get out of the
coffin, I'll only go to prison

216
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:56,316
and Donna Ball said she'd burst
my head like a fucking watermelon.

217
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,916
Yeah. No-no bad language, please.
Watch-watch your language.

218
00:12:58,940 --> 00:13:02,436
Oh, shit. Sorry, lain. No,
I'd rather just go on my own terms.

219
00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:05,196
Oh, Mandy. That's so sad.
It's for the best.

220
00:13:05,220 --> 00:13:08,476
Right. Well, I suppose
if we can learn anything from this,

221
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:10,836
it's that crime simply doesn't pay.

222
00:13:10,860 --> 00:13:13,076
- Well, this one certainly didn't.
- 

223
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:15,356
Mandy. How can I help you
in your final moments?

224
00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:16,876
What can I do for you?

225
00:13:16,900 --> 00:13:19,476
If you could just play
something peaceful and uplifting,

226
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:21,116
that'd be nice. OK.

227
00:13:21,140 --> 00:13:23,076
Well, it's not really
a music radio station,

228
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:25,796
but let me have a little look,
see what we've got on the system.

229
00:13:25,820 --> 00:13:26,956
Thanks, lain.

230
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:29,116
Ooh! We've got this.
This is perfect.

231
00:13:29,140 --> 00:13:32,156
Mandy, this is for you,

232
00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:33,476
from me.

233
00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:43,036
Bye, lain. Goodbye, Mandy. See you.

234
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:45,876
Go well, Mandy, go well. Ta-ra.

235
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:48,356
I'm going to stay with you
right until the very end.

236
00:13:48,380 --> 00:13:50,556
I'm slipping, lain.
I know you're slipping.

237
00:13:50,580 --> 00:13:53,276
Are you still there?
I'm still here.

238
00:13:53,300 --> 00:13:57,116
Is that still you, lain?
Oh, it's still me. Yeah.

239
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,780
Still you? I won't go, Mandy.
I promise.

240
00:14:01,060 --> 00:14:04,180
I'm going now, lain.
OK, go easy.

241
00:14:05,260 --> 00:14:07,196
Oh, I'm still here. OK.

242
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:11,340
Gosh, this slip is, er...
It's a very slow one, isn't it?

243
00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:19,740
And... Bye, lain.
..you're still there.

244
00:14:28,620 --> 00:14:30,796
And...

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00:14:30,820 --> 00:14:33,116
I think Mandy's gone.

246
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:35,316
OK, well, we're coming up to the...
lain!

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There's a drill down here, I forgot!

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♪ Oh, Mandy

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00:14:40,740 --> 00:14:45,676
♪ Well, you came
and you gave without taking

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00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:49,836
♪ But I sent you away Oh, Mandy

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00:14:49,860 --> 00:14:54,836
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

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00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:59,380
♪ And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪