1 00:00:02,102 --> 00:00:06,038 [Randy] No, Earl. You're not listening. I never said "instead of." 2 00:00:06,139 --> 00:00:08,039 You'd still have your regular hands... 3 00:00:08,141 --> 00:00:10,109 but you'd also have robot hands. 4 00:00:10,210 --> 00:00:13,941 Okay, fine. Yes, and with robot hands, you could open beers faster. 5 00:00:14,047 --> 00:00:15,947 Thank you. Geez. 6 00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,246 - Oh, wow. Look, a hat. - Randy, wait! 7 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:21,513 [Earl Narrating] Every now and then, Randy found a new hat- 8 00:00:21,621 --> 00:00:23,680 which brought the unwelcome addition oflice... 9 00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:26,020 and a new personality. 10 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:28,686 [Mexican Accent] Let's go get some chicken wings! 11 00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:33,332 [Imitating John Wayne] Howdy, pilgrim. 12 00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:36,266 Yo, yo, yo! What's up, my home-Earl? 13 00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:38,200 But Randy hadn't found a hat in a while... 14 00:00:38,304 --> 00:00:40,898 and I was hopin'this time would be different. 15 00:00:41,007 --> 00:00:43,134 - Hey, Earl. - Yeah? 16 00:00:43,243 --> 00:00:45,939 Wouldst thou fancy a beer? I certainly shall. 17 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,881 - Son of a bitch. - Don't dally. 18 00:00:51,751 --> 00:00:54,311 My name is Earl. 19 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:00,824 Darnell, I do believe I'll have a beer- in a glass. 20 00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:03,327 And you know what, why don't we throw a cherry on top. 21 00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:07,265 Thank you, my fine sir. 22 00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:09,267 Oh, so suave. 23 00:01:13,506 --> 00:01:14,939 Casablanca. 24 00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:16,941 They don't watch black-and-white movies... 25 00:01:17,043 --> 00:01:19,011 'cause it reminds them too much of newspapers. 26 00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:21,342 They don't watch black-and-white movies... 27 00:01:21,448 --> 00:01:23,939 because it reminds whom too much of newspapers. 28 00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:27,747 Now, if you'll excuse me, therefore, what for... 29 00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,982 wherewithal, henceforth, English muffins. 30 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:33,821 [Sighs] 31 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:37,226 I seen the giant pig! I seen Pigsquatch! 32 00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,321 [Earl Narrating] There was a legend of a giant pig... 33 00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,457 that lived in the woods near the trailer park. 34 00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:43,832 Nobody sober had ever actually seen it- 35 00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,770 - [Grunting, Squealing] - [Gasps] Pigsquatch! 36 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:49,933 - until Joy. - Pigsquatch. 37 00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:53,809 You sure the neighbor didn't just wheel his shut-in mom out to the yard to hose her off? 38 00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:58,748 I think I know the difference between a prehistoric pig and Jumbo Sally. 39 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,844 You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna catch him. 40 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:04,014 Joy, what would you do with a giant pig? 41 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,218 Make a damn fortune. Tourists pay good money to see giant stuff. 42 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:09,522 World's biggest Slinky. World's biggest staircase- 43 00:02:09,629 --> 00:02:11,529 which is next to the world's biggest Slinky. 44 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:14,532 Even me and this idiot paid 10 bucks each to see the world's biggest anthill. 45 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:16,932 Remember that- when we took that R.V. Trip? 46 00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:18,936 [Earl Narrating] I did remember. 47 00:02:19,038 --> 00:02:22,132 'Cause that R. V. Trip she was talking about was number 47 on my list. 48 00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:26,042 A while back, the kids were mistakenly detained by Child Protective Services. 49 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,046 Since we knew they were in good hands... 50 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,116 we decided we wanted to go on vacation. 51 00:02:30,216 --> 00:02:32,241 - So we stole one. - [Engine Starts] 52 00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:36,880 I'm goin'mobile 53 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,652 And we discovered we hadn't just stole a vacation... 54 00:02:39,759 --> 00:02:42,057 we stole a whole new lifestyle. 55 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,062 Check it out. 56 00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,394 These R.V. People have special glasses just for wine. 57 00:02:46,499 --> 00:02:48,626 Wow. It looks like it's on stilts. 58 00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:51,898 That's really smart. It's closer to your mouth so you can drink it faster. 59 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,905 Man, R.V.'s are so much better than trailers. 60 00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:55,998 When a twister's comin', you can just drive away... 61 00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:59,306 instead of just sittin' in your bathtub with a pillow over your head like a chump. 62 00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:02,040 - [Chuckles] I ain't ever goin' back. - Don't have to. 63 00:03:02,148 --> 00:03:05,549 We're R.V. People now, thanks to this baby. 64 00:03:05,652 --> 00:03:08,746 It's gonna be stilt glasses, cup holders on the walls... 65 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,881 and tables that turn into beds from now on. 66 00:03:11,991 --> 00:03:14,152 Cheers to hittin' the freakin'jackpot. 67 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:22,863 [Sighs] Randy, did you turn off the stove when you were finished cookin' the Helper? 68 00:03:22,969 --> 00:03:26,632 Yeah. I mean, my hands were full, so I blew it out. 69 00:03:26,739 --> 00:03:28,639 Lfigured, "What's the worst that could happen?" 70 00:03:28,741 --> 00:03:30,732 Now we know. 71 00:03:30,843 --> 00:03:34,609 [Earl Narrating] Andjust like that, our R. V.'ing days were over. 72 00:03:34,714 --> 00:03:38,707 Luckily, the guy we stole it from was living in the same spot, just without wheels. 73 00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:41,480 There's gotta be something I can do for you- 74 00:03:41,588 --> 00:03:45,046 get you a new R.V., find you a new place to live. 75 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,092 I don't want nothin'. Just leave me alone... 76 00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:49,218 and let me sit here and wait to die. 77 00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:51,627 But I gotta cross you off my list. 78 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,665 You wanna cross me off your list... 79 00:03:53,766 --> 00:03:57,566 just pump me full of morphine and beat me over the head with that rake till I'm dead. 80 00:04:01,841 --> 00:04:05,368 [Earl Narrating] I wasn't gonna kill the guy, but I wasn't gonna do nothing either. 81 00:04:05,478 --> 00:04:08,777 So I decided to watch him and see if I came up with any ideas. 82 00:04:08,881 --> 00:04:12,840 - - 83 00:04:14,287 --> 00:04:16,187 And I found out he wasn't lying. 84 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:19,781 - - He was just waiting to die. 85 00:04:22,629 --> 00:04:25,189 86 00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:29,166 We can be like they are 87 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:32,966 - [Thunder Rumbling] - While I still didn't know what I was supposed to do to help him... 88 00:04:33,072 --> 00:04:34,972 at least I figured out a place to start. 89 00:04:35,074 --> 00:04:37,042 Mornin', Jerry. I'm here to fix your roo- 90 00:04:37,143 --> 00:04:39,008 Don't fear the reaper 91 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:41,876 - Sorry. - Doesn't matter. 92 00:04:43,583 --> 00:04:45,244 While I was fixin'Jerry's roof... 93 00:04:45,351 --> 00:04:48,809 Joy was gettin'started on her get-rich-quick pig plan. 94 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:52,618 - Baby, the boys are hungry. Where's the bacon? - On the end of this string. 95 00:04:52,725 --> 00:04:54,625 Soon as Pigsquatch gets a whiff of it... 96 00:04:54,727 --> 00:04:56,627 I'm gonna pull the string, lure him to me... 97 00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:58,822 and then knock him out with a baseball bat- kablam! 98 00:04:58,931 --> 00:05:00,831 You can't catch a pig with bacon. 99 00:05:00,933 --> 00:05:03,493 That's like trying to catch a cow with a cheeseburger. 100 00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:06,265 Darnell, I'm hearin' a lot of"no" and "can't" from you right now. 101 00:05:06,372 --> 00:05:08,966 If you're not gonna get with the pig-catchin' program, shut the hell up. 102 00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:12,476 All I'm sayin' is the boys are drinking Tom Collins mix for breakfast. 103 00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:16,309 We can't send 'em to school like that. 104 00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,077 - [Loud Grunt] - Jesus! 105 00:05:18,184 --> 00:05:20,084 106 00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:22,313 [Earl Narrating] Although I'd spent the morning fixing Jerry's roof... 107 00:05:22,422 --> 00:05:24,481 I couldn't help feeling that I still hadn't done enough. 108 00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:27,184 - [Changing Stations] - At least it shouldn't rain on you anymore, huh? 109 00:05:27,293 --> 00:05:30,660 Let me get that for you. 110 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:35,957 111 00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:42,732 [Changing Stations] 112 00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:49,742 - [Changing Stations] - Wait. R-Randy, go back a station. 113 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,682 114 00:05:56,522 --> 00:06:00,424 Jerry, you-you're movin'. You like that jug music? 115 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:03,393 Love the jug. 116 00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:06,021 It's the easiest instrument to learn... 117 00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:08,726 hardest to master. 118 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:10,735 Actually, that's not true. 119 00:06:10,837 --> 00:06:13,567 Hell, in a good wind, it actually plays itself. 120 00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:16,938 You could be dead for all that jug cares. 121 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,278 I miss my jug. 122 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,508 Used to have one before you blew it up in that R.V. Fire... 123 00:06:23,616 --> 00:06:25,880 you jackass. 124 00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:28,818 [Earl Narrating] It still didn't seem like it made up for burning an R. V... 125 00:06:28,921 --> 00:06:33,483 but at least fixing his roof and getting him a jug were better than doing nothin'. 126 00:06:33,593 --> 00:06:36,790 Oh. That is a beauty. 127 00:06:36,896 --> 00:06:39,421 Brings back good memories, huh? 128 00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:41,591 Oh, yeah. 129 00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:44,226 My R.V. Was filled with memories. 130 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:48,068 Doohickeys, things from my past- you know, "momentos." 131 00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,665 Yep. The Freshmaker. 132 00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:53,302 Well, that's what I can do to make up to you, Jerry- 133 00:06:53,413 --> 00:06:56,746 find some way to replace the things that got burned up in your R.V. 134 00:06:56,849 --> 00:07:00,114 - What other stuff did you have in there? - My dead wife. 135 00:07:00,219 --> 00:07:03,620 No, I don't think so. We probably would've remembered a dead wife. 136 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,782 No. Pictures of her. 137 00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:09,293 I had pictures of her all over the wall. 138 00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:13,798 Yeah, l- I met her when I first came back from the war in Korea. 139 00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:17,666 Those pictures kinda made me feel like her arms were around me. 140 00:07:18,938 --> 00:07:22,499 This was her song- "Moonlight Sonata." 141 00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,705 142 00:07:26,813 --> 00:07:31,216 143 00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:47,032 144 00:07:52,238 --> 00:07:55,230 And that, gentlemen, will get you laid. 145 00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:57,935 [Earl Narrating] I didn't know how to replace pictures ofJerry's dead wife... 146 00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:01,309 but ifhe needed some arms around him, I had an idea where to go. 147 00:08:02,748 --> 00:08:04,739 That's a good one. 148 00:08:04,851 --> 00:08:07,820 My favorite is still the one where you're riding it sidesaddle. 149 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,378 Acting ladylike on a giant pig- That makes me laugh. 150 00:08:11,491 --> 00:08:14,221 Just keep takin' pictures before this thing wakes up. 151 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,387 Holy crap! You caught Pigsquatch? 152 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:20,989 - How'd you do it? - Put a bunch of sleeping pills in a bucket of slop- 153 00:08:21,100 --> 00:08:23,364 basically the pig version of how I got you to marry me. 154 00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:26,029 Nice. Listen, do you still have that Real Doll... 155 00:08:26,138 --> 00:08:28,129 you bought to make Darnell think you were in bed... 156 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,141 when you ran to Mexico to avoid the cops... 157 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:32,473 but got caught by Dog, the bounty hunter, went on trial... 158 00:08:32,578 --> 00:08:35,411 and I went to prison for it, then got out, got hit by a car... 159 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,507 and went into a coma where I thought I was livin' in a sitcom world? 160 00:08:38,618 --> 00:08:41,382 - Yeah. - Can I take her? It's for a good cause. 161 00:08:41,487 --> 00:08:45,287 I don't know. Me and Darnell still use her sometimes on date night. 162 00:08:46,626 --> 00:08:48,924 Boys, Mommy and Daddy are goin' out. 163 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,689 Aunt Gretchen's here to babysit. 164 00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:54,391 And if I were you, I'd stay in your room, 'cause she brought her paddle. 165 00:08:56,068 --> 00:08:59,162 Okay, baby, let's go eat some shrimps. 166 00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,808 You know what- if you want her, you can have her. 167 00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:09,108 Caught Darnell takin' a bath with her the other day. 168 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:11,615 Says he was washing her. I have my doubts. 169 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,617 Thanks, Joy. 170 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:18,753 Joy, come here. Does this pig look funny to you? 171 00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:20,758 All pigs look funny to me, Darnell. 172 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:24,057 Porky, Petunia, Miss Piggy- hilarious. 173 00:09:24,163 --> 00:09:26,996 No, I mean in that it's not breathing. He's dead. 174 00:09:27,099 --> 00:09:29,499 And I don't think anybody's gonna pay to see a dead pig. 175 00:09:29,602 --> 00:09:32,298 He's not dead. He's just sleeping. 176 00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:37,738 Oh, hell. I only gave him 50 pills. 177 00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:41,472 My mama used to take that many every Friday night and wash it down with a gin Rickey... 178 00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,914 and wake up the next morning feeling fresh as a daisy to do her paper route. 179 00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:47,247 Damn lightweight. 180 00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:49,977 - - [Earl Narrating] Once I got the Real Doll from Joy... 181 00:09:50,089 --> 00:09:54,082 me and Randy gave it a makeover and changed it into a Real Old Doll. 182 00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:57,424 Hey, Jerry, check it out. Arms to put around you. 183 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,592 What good is a plastic mannequin gonna do me? 184 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:05,603 Give it a shot. 185 00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:10,267 Can you make the hug tighter? 186 00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:12,344 [Earl Narrating] After he got the doll... 187 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,575 Jerry started thinking about more things from his trailer that he wanted us to replace- 188 00:10:16,682 --> 00:10:18,616 [Chuckling] Hey, did you have fun? 189 00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:21,118 Like his old animal heads. 190 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:22,915 191 00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:26,116 And the more stuff we replaced, like his old hunting equipment... 192 00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:29,388 the more alive he became. 193 00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:32,987 By the time we tracked down an exact replica ofhis Special Forces uniform... 194 00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,828 he was a new man. 195 00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:37,903 196 00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:40,996 And he was feelin'so good, he even wanted to go out for a drink. 197 00:10:41,107 --> 00:10:42,802 [Laughing] 198 00:10:42,908 --> 00:10:45,206 Oh, there's one more thing I need. It's a pendant. 199 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,974 There's only one other like it in the whole wide world. 200 00:10:49,081 --> 00:10:51,379 An old army buddy of mine has it... 201 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,679 and I would like to go with you to get it. 202 00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:57,813 - That's the spirit. - Yes. Hip, hip. Cheerios. Harry Potter. 203 00:10:57,923 --> 00:11:00,858 [Laughing] Huh? 204 00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:03,019 [Earl Narrating] I was feeling good. 205 00:11:03,129 --> 00:11:05,893 I hadn't given up on Jerry, and it paid off. 206 00:11:05,998 --> 00:11:08,592 I really felt like I brought a man back to life. 207 00:11:12,238 --> 00:11:15,071 According to the V.F.W., this is the place. 208 00:11:16,108 --> 00:11:18,303 Oh, I wanna thank you, Earl. 209 00:11:20,946 --> 00:11:24,541 All I wanted to do was die. Now look at me. 210 00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:29,019 I got my stuff back. I got my plastic wife to hug. 211 00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:31,919 And now I'm gonna cut this jackass's ear off. 212 00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:36,353 I can't thank you enough, Earl. 213 00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:38,396 Did you say cut off his ear? 214 00:11:41,899 --> 00:11:44,094 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 215 00:11:44,201 --> 00:11:46,761 You're gonna cut off your army buddy's ear? 216 00:11:46,870 --> 00:11:49,236 Yeah. That's what the "pendant" was. I'd have called it an ear... 217 00:11:49,339 --> 00:11:51,239 but you probably wouldn't have driven me here. 218 00:11:51,341 --> 00:11:53,536 [Earl Narrating] Ends up, during the Korean War... 219 00:11:53,644 --> 00:11:57,478 Jerry and his buddy were caught behind enemy lines when Jerry got wounded. 220 00:11:57,581 --> 00:11:59,481 - [Machine Gun Fire] - [Groans] 221 00:11:59,583 --> 00:12:01,642 Jerry, we both can't make it. 222 00:12:01,752 --> 00:12:05,449 No, don't go. Haven't you seen the movies? "Never leave a man behind." 223 00:12:05,556 --> 00:12:09,048 No, but I seen the ones where they say, "Go on without me." 224 00:12:09,159 --> 00:12:11,059 Sometimes they even say, "Marry my best girl." 225 00:12:11,161 --> 00:12:13,061 - Sorry! - Damn you- 226 00:12:13,163 --> 00:12:16,394 But the only thing Jerry could keep from leaving was Joe's ear. 227 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:18,627 [Shrieking] 228 00:12:18,735 --> 00:12:20,635 Joe! 229 00:12:20,737 --> 00:12:22,637 Come back here, you coward! 230 00:12:22,739 --> 00:12:25,071 You're a coward! 231 00:12:25,175 --> 00:12:27,166 [Grunting] 232 00:12:27,277 --> 00:12:29,336 Jerry got captured and held on to the ear... 233 00:12:29,446 --> 00:12:33,007 as a reminder ofhow much he wanted to survive. 234 00:12:33,116 --> 00:12:36,051 And as the months passed, the ear became more than a reminder. 235 00:12:36,153 --> 00:12:38,053 It became a companion. 236 00:12:38,155 --> 00:12:40,749 I got four pretty ladies. What do you got, Joe's ear? 237 00:12:42,459 --> 00:12:44,586 Damn, Joe's ear. You're good. 238 00:12:46,263 --> 00:12:49,630 And it continued to be a part ofhis life even after the war. 239 00:12:49,733 --> 00:12:51,963 Okay, Isabel, Joe's ear... 240 00:12:52,069 --> 00:12:55,630 we're off to see the world. 241 00:12:59,076 --> 00:13:00,976 Sorry. I can't let you do this. 242 00:13:01,078 --> 00:13:02,978 I'm not asking for your permission. 243 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:07,210 That coward left me for dead for 50 years, and he never gave it another thought. 244 00:13:08,251 --> 00:13:11,015 Jerry, give me the knife. 245 00:13:14,825 --> 00:13:17,259 [Groans, Grunts] 246 00:13:18,328 --> 00:13:20,296 [Whimpers] 247 00:13:25,168 --> 00:13:27,068 [Earl] Joe! 248 00:13:28,305 --> 00:13:30,398 Look out, Joe! 249 00:13:30,507 --> 00:13:32,407 Joe! 250 00:13:32,509 --> 00:13:34,443 What the hell's goin' on out here? 251 00:13:34,544 --> 00:13:36,910 - Jerry Burney's here for your ear. - Jerry? 252 00:13:37,014 --> 00:13:39,983 [Gasping] 253 00:13:40,083 --> 00:13:42,142 [Choking] I'm here to protect you from him. 254 00:13:42,252 --> 00:13:44,311 Where is he? 255 00:13:46,423 --> 00:13:48,823 [Coughing] 256 00:13:48,925 --> 00:13:51,723 [Earl Narrating] After I got my voice back, I told Joe about the R. V... 257 00:13:51,828 --> 00:13:54,888 and finding Jerry half dead and what I'd been doing. 258 00:13:56,733 --> 00:14:00,328 You idiots. Do you know what you've done? 259 00:14:00,437 --> 00:14:03,338 You brought a killing machine back to life. 260 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,898 - [Groans] - You okay? 261 00:14:07,010 --> 00:14:09,410 Heart pills! Top pocket! 262 00:14:11,214 --> 00:14:14,843 Do you ever perchance think of gluing a seashell to where your ear used to be... 263 00:14:14,951 --> 00:14:16,350 so it would look normal? 264 00:14:16,453 --> 00:14:19,513 And you'd always get to hear the ocean. 265 00:14:19,623 --> 00:14:22,353 Yeah, that's- That's my biggest problem right now. 266 00:14:22,459 --> 00:14:25,951 You guys don't seem to understand what we're dealing with here. 267 00:14:27,397 --> 00:14:31,527 I saw Jerry kill three Koreans with a single bullet. 268 00:14:32,602 --> 00:14:34,502 No gun. 269 00:14:34,604 --> 00:14:37,198 Just pressed the bullet right into their skulls. 270 00:14:38,875 --> 00:14:40,900 I'm callin' the cops! 271 00:14:42,979 --> 00:14:45,573 - [Taps Switch] - Damn. 272 00:14:45,682 --> 00:14:48,014 He cut the line. 273 00:14:48,118 --> 00:14:51,781 Well, he's not the only crazy old man around here. 274 00:14:54,591 --> 00:14:57,526 - Oh, Mother! - Blimey! 275 00:14:57,627 --> 00:15:00,960 H-H-Hey, J-J-Joe. Before we panic and do something we might regret... 276 00:15:01,064 --> 00:15:02,964 at least let me talk toJerry. 277 00:15:03,066 --> 00:15:05,500 He seemed reasonable- except for the throat punch. 278 00:15:05,602 --> 00:15:08,070 Oh. Okay. Let's see. 279 00:15:09,272 --> 00:15:11,172 Uh- [Stammers] 280 00:15:13,844 --> 00:15:16,142 Hey, Jerry. I'm sorry about what hap- 281 00:15:18,548 --> 00:15:21,847 Okay, boys, this is it. 282 00:15:21,952 --> 00:15:25,615 Cinch up your apple sacks. We're goin' to war. 283 00:15:25,722 --> 00:15:29,214 [Earl Narrating] And I wasn't the only one dealing with a scary thing in the front yard. 284 00:15:29,326 --> 00:15:33,023 Since the pig didn't die of natural causes, the county wouldn't haul it away. 285 00:15:33,130 --> 00:15:36,258 I can't believe the county won't remove dead pigs. 286 00:15:36,366 --> 00:15:39,767 I can't believe nobody answered our ad for 800 pounds of free pork. 287 00:15:39,870 --> 00:15:42,703 You know what- screw it. 288 00:15:42,806 --> 00:15:45,274 I'm goin' old school. 289 00:15:45,375 --> 00:15:49,778 Yech! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Darnell! 290 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,815 I'm in the pig! I'm in the pig! 291 00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:58,116 Earl, this hat sucks now. It's got a hole in it. 292 00:15:58,221 --> 00:16:01,315 - It looks like a hobo's hat. - Randy, this really isn't the time. 293 00:16:01,424 --> 00:16:03,392 Joe, this is crazy. 294 00:16:03,493 --> 00:16:06,724 You don't have to kill each other over something that happened 40 years ago. 295 00:16:06,830 --> 00:16:10,027 Learn your history! It was 55 years ago. 296 00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:12,226 Pin! Pin! Pin! 297 00:16:12,335 --> 00:16:15,896 Oh, nuts. Man, I'm shaking like a geisha on sake. 298 00:16:16,006 --> 00:16:18,566 It must be the Parkinson's. You better do it. 299 00:16:18,675 --> 00:16:21,269 Earl. Earl, we gotta go back to that bus stop... 300 00:16:21,378 --> 00:16:23,369 and see if they got another hat like this one. 301 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:25,380 Randy, I'm defusing a grenade. 302 00:16:25,482 --> 00:16:27,382 I can't wear this. I'll look stupid. 303 00:16:27,484 --> 00:16:29,918 Randy, you're gonna look stupid anyway. It's a stupid hat. 304 00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:32,011 Just like all your other hats are stupid... 305 00:16:32,122 --> 00:16:34,454 'cause when you wear a hat, you act stupid. 306 00:16:34,558 --> 00:16:37,254 - Even the newsie cap? - Yes, the newsie cap! 307 00:16:37,360 --> 00:16:39,351 [Cockney Accent] "Eh, mister. Want a paper?" 308 00:16:39,462 --> 00:16:41,726 "I'll have a sandwich with extra mayonnaise." 309 00:16:41,832 --> 00:16:43,732 [Normal Voice] I hate all your hats. 310 00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:46,428 Will you guys shut up and put the- Put the pin in! 311 00:16:48,438 --> 00:16:50,338 [Sighs] 312 00:16:52,442 --> 00:16:54,342 [Exhales] 313 00:16:54,444 --> 00:16:56,344 Man, I don't believe you two guys. 314 00:16:56,446 --> 00:16:58,573 Arguin' over a hat. A damn hat! 315 00:16:58,682 --> 00:17:01,276 I'm gonna get killed because there's a lunatic out there... 316 00:17:01,384 --> 00:17:04,080 who's mad as hell because I left him in the field. 317 00:17:04,187 --> 00:17:06,621 L- 318 00:17:06,723 --> 00:17:08,918 I left him in the field. 319 00:17:09,025 --> 00:17:10,925 My best buddy. 320 00:17:11,027 --> 00:17:14,053 He needed my help, and- and I left him. 321 00:17:14,164 --> 00:17:16,064 I left him. 322 00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:19,101 [Earl Narrating] That was the first time Joe ever said those words out loud... 323 00:17:19,202 --> 00:17:21,568 but been in his head since the day it happened. 324 00:17:21,671 --> 00:17:24,265 - [Machine Gun Fire] - He'd gone off to war hoping to be a hero... 325 00:17:24,374 --> 00:17:27,275 - but quickly found out he was just a scared kid. - [Shell Incoming] 326 00:17:31,214 --> 00:17:34,377 Jerry felt thatJoe ran away and never gave it a second thought. 327 00:17:34,484 --> 00:17:36,384 ButJerry was wrong. 328 00:17:36,486 --> 00:17:39,250 Joe thought about it every day ofhis life. 329 00:17:39,356 --> 00:17:42,120 [Jerry's Voice] Joe! Come back here, you coward! 330 00:17:42,225 --> 00:17:45,217 You're a coward! 331 00:17:45,328 --> 00:17:49,196 When I was given the choice to save my life or save someone else's... 332 00:17:49,299 --> 00:17:51,494 I chose to save my own. 333 00:17:51,601 --> 00:17:53,831 MaybeJerry deserves to take the other ear. 334 00:17:53,937 --> 00:17:58,499 Hell, I'd give it to him, too, if I didn't remember it hurt so damn much. 335 00:17:58,608 --> 00:18:00,735 How much did it hurt? 336 00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:03,438 Oh, about as much as getting your ear cut off. 337 00:18:03,546 --> 00:18:05,070 [No Audible Dialogue] 338 00:18:05,181 --> 00:18:07,342 - [Loud Thud] - Oh, God! He's on the roof! 339 00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:09,475 W-W-Wait! Joe, wait! 340 00:18:09,586 --> 00:18:12,783 - [Gunfire] - [Object Clattering] 341 00:18:18,428 --> 00:18:20,919 Maybe we should call an ambulance. 342 00:18:21,765 --> 00:18:24,097 Or that. 343 00:18:25,936 --> 00:18:27,927 Oh, my God! You killed his wife. 344 00:18:28,038 --> 00:18:30,472 Now he's really gonna be pissed. 345 00:18:30,573 --> 00:18:33,269 Quick. Back in the house. Come on! 346 00:18:37,547 --> 00:18:39,447 [Creaking] 347 00:18:39,549 --> 00:18:41,312 - Ear! - [All Screaming] 348 00:18:41,418 --> 00:18:43,545 - Aha! - [Joe Whimpering] 349 00:18:43,653 --> 00:18:46,121 Jerry may have had the heart of a killer... 350 00:18:46,222 --> 00:18:48,486 but that heart was 75 years old. 351 00:18:48,591 --> 00:18:51,788 [Groaning, Gasping] 352 00:18:53,997 --> 00:18:56,625 I think he's having a heart attack. Randy, go for help. 353 00:18:56,733 --> 00:18:59,361 - [Jerry, Gasping]Joe? - Joe, I need your pills. 354 00:18:59,469 --> 00:19:02,302 - [Gasping] - Both of you? 355 00:19:02,405 --> 00:19:05,966 This should be a lesson about trying to kill people when you're over 60. 356 00:19:07,811 --> 00:19:10,575 I only got one pill left. 357 00:19:12,983 --> 00:19:16,248 - [Groaning] - Wh-What are you doin'? 358 00:19:16,353 --> 00:19:19,015 What I should have done 50 years ago. 359 00:19:19,122 --> 00:19:20,817 [Groaning] 360 00:19:20,924 --> 00:19:23,051 Open your mouth, you old buzzard. 361 00:19:25,862 --> 00:19:29,161 "Never leave a man behind." [Groans] 362 00:19:29,265 --> 00:19:32,200 [Siren Approaching] 363 00:19:32,302 --> 00:19:35,203 [Earl Narrating] In the end, they both survived. 364 00:19:35,305 --> 00:19:38,399 It's okay. You saved my life... 365 00:19:38,508 --> 00:19:40,499 so we're even. 366 00:19:40,610 --> 00:19:42,578 That's a load off my mind. 367 00:19:45,849 --> 00:19:48,147 While you can't reattach a severed ear... 368 00:19:48,251 --> 00:19:50,685 it's never too late to fix a severed friendship. 369 00:19:55,725 --> 00:19:57,886 Losing your temper can be a good thing. 370 00:19:57,994 --> 00:20:01,225 Jerry and Joe had let their bad feelings sit inside them for years... 371 00:20:01,331 --> 00:20:03,492 rot like a pig in a front yard. 372 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,568 And it took a fight to work everything out. 373 00:20:05,668 --> 00:20:07,568 The same with me and Randy. 374 00:20:07,670 --> 00:20:10,195 Hey, Earl. Thanks for telling me I acted different in hats. 375 00:20:10,306 --> 00:20:12,206 I won't do it again. I promise. 376 00:20:12,308 --> 00:20:14,242 I'm just sorry I yelled at you. 377 00:20:14,344 --> 00:20:16,574 Oh, that's okay. Brothers fight. 378 00:20:16,679 --> 00:20:18,579 Friends cut each other's ears off. 379 00:20:18,681 --> 00:20:20,581 It's a crazy world, Earl. 380 00:20:20,683 --> 00:20:22,583 Well, I guess this is good-bye. 381 00:20:26,890 --> 00:20:28,881 It can make anyone look good. 382 00:20:28,992 --> 00:20:31,324 [Earl Narrating] I guess, every now and then, when you're stuck... 383 00:20:31,428 --> 00:20:34,488 best way to clear the air is to have a big blowup. 384 00:20:34,597 --> 00:20:37,157 Fire in the hog! 385 00:20:39,369 --> 00:20:41,462 - [Crowd Cheering] - [Man] Yeah!