1
00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,781
Hey, Darla, it's Jessie!

2
00:00:09,810 --> 00:00:14,080
Thank you so much
for sending me
that video of you

3
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,315
cruising around Europe
with your rich new boyfriend.

4
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:18,050
(CHUCKLES)

5
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:19,486
If you consider a guy
in his 60s "new."

6
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:22,489
Don't get bitter.
Keep it upbeat.

7
00:00:25,593 --> 00:00:28,063
So I thought I'd
make a video for you

8
00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:30,356
about how awesome
my life is here
in the Big Apple.

9
00:00:31,332 --> 00:00:32,302
Look who it is. Bertram.

10
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:35,473
He's our butler.
He caters to
our every whim.

11
00:00:35,503 --> 00:00:38,143
Bertram, say hi to Darla.

12
00:00:38,172 --> 00:00:39,112
Go away.

13
00:00:42,510 --> 00:00:45,380
New Yorkers may seem
a little bit crusty,

14
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:48,123
but once you get to know them,
they can be the sweetest
people in the world.

15
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,619
Bessie!

16
00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:51,420
My Zeus is missing!

17
00:00:51,452 --> 00:00:54,392
Probably dog-napped
by your revolting
little delinquents!

18
00:00:54,422 --> 00:00:56,162
(SCOFFS) Please!

19
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:57,530
My kids wouldn't go
near that rat with
hair extensions!

20
00:00:58,592 --> 00:01:01,232
I wouldn't bet on that.

21
00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,562
(DOGUh-oh.NG)

22
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,366
Faster! Faster!

23
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:05,428
(DOG WHIMPERING)

24
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:07,496
Slower! Slower!

25
00:01:07,535 --> 00:01:07,635
Stop! Stop!

26
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,074
No!

27
00:01:14,608 --> 00:01:19,278
Excuse me!
This dog is under-cooked
and over-dressed.

28
00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:23,118
Zeusie! Oh!

29
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,051
Are you all right?

30
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:28,164
Oh, Bertram,
how can I ever
thank you

31
00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:30,419
for saving my precious
little muchacho?

32
00:01:30,458 --> 00:01:32,388
I am so sorry!

33
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:34,596
I was making a video
for my friend Darla
back home...

34
00:01:34,628 --> 00:01:38,468
Marla, your friend is
a horrible nanny.

35
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:41,439
She couldn't take care
of a bowl of sea monkeys!

36
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:47,480
I'll have you know
all my sea monkeys
died of natural causes,

37
00:01:47,508 --> 00:01:47,678
and a thirsty cat.

38
00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:53,314
* Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh

39
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:55,917
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

40
00:01:55,949 --> 00:01:59,449
* It feels like a party
every day

41
00:01:59,487 --> 00:02:04,227
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

42
00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:07,698
* But they keep on pulling
me every which way

43
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:11,268
* Hey Jessie, hey Jessie

44
00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:15,169
* My whole world is changing
Turning around

45
00:02:15,203 --> 00:02:18,473
* They got me going crazy
Yeah, they're shaking
the ground

46
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:22,306
* But they took a chance
on the new girl in town

47
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,583
* And I don't want to let them
down, down, down

48
00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,752
* Hey Jessie

49
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:29,652
* Hey Jessie

50
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:36,392
* It feels like a party
every day

51
00:02:36,424 --> 00:02:38,764
* Hey, hey, hey
hey, hey, Jessie *

52
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,667
Ugh!

53
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:55,605
I can't believe
that stupid video
got two million hits.

54
00:02:55,643 --> 00:02:57,753
And the kid who posted it
won a free trip to Hollywood.

55
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:02,318
Dad would be so proud
of us if we made
a great viral video.

56
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:06,490
He might even forget that
you sold his Golden Globe
to get a new skateboard.

57
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,460
Uh, yeah. It was
a People's Choice Award.

58
00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:11,260
I had to beg that guy
to take it.

59
00:03:12,426 --> 00:03:14,696
Too bad we don't
have a cool pet.

60
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:15,658
(HISSES)

61
00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:18,626
Quiet, Mr. Kipling,
we're trying to think!

62
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:26,940
That's it!

63
00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,684
A lizard video!

64
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:29,279
A star is hatched!

65
00:03:34,515 --> 00:03:36,745
And welcome
to my crib!

66
00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:38,594
Oh, yeah,
you saw it right, Darla.

67
00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:41,759
An elevator straight into
our living room! (LAUGHS)

68
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:43,359
Front doors are so passe.

69
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,262
Cut!

70
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,264
You want to
rub Darla's nose
in it, right?

71
00:03:48,296 --> 00:03:49,726
Absolutely not!

72
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,533
She's a dear friend.
I just...

73
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,995
Why, what do you got?

74
00:03:54,034 --> 00:03:55,444
We need to get you
some bling.

75
00:03:56,304 --> 00:03:59,544
Mommy wore this
at her wedding.

76
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:02,283
Daddy bought it from
someone named Tiffany.

77
00:04:02,310 --> 00:04:02,840
Whoa!

78
00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,752
(GASPS)

79
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,379
If diamonds are
a girl's best friend,

80
00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,545
this is Oprah
and I'm Gayle.

81
00:04:12,820 --> 00:04:15,460
So. How do I look?

82
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:17,830
(GASPS)

83
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:20,688
Like a million bucks.

84
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:22,328
Which I think is
what Daddy paid
for that tiara!

85
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:26,027
Whoa!

86
00:04:26,066 --> 00:04:28,066
Do you know what
that would buy
back in Fort Hood?

87
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:28,141
Fort Hood.

88
00:04:34,808 --> 00:04:37,308
He's not doing anything.

89
00:04:37,345 --> 00:04:39,075
He is so!

90
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,552
He is oozing
star quality.

91
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:46,453
Well, go get
a paper towel
and clean it up.

92
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,717
(GASPS)
I think I just
saw him blink.

93
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,889
Oh, wait.
That was me blinking.

94
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:57,470
Darla, darling,
here's the view
from my apartment.

95
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,098
Or should I say,
penthouse?

96
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,772
Why not?
Penthouse!

97
00:05:02,670 --> 00:05:04,340
That's it, Jessie!
Work that crown!

98
00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:09,882
Oh! Whoa!

99
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,710
No!

100
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:15,875
(KARATE GRUNTS)

101
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:18,454
What was that?

102
00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:19,346
(WHIMPERS)

103
00:05:24,525 --> 00:05:28,495
Look, Zeusie.
It's raining diamonds.

104
00:05:28,529 --> 00:05:31,369
Dreams do come true!

105
00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:32,399
Let's go check the sauna
for Matt Lauer!

106
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:43,910
(PANTING)

107
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:44,954
Ugh!

108
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,549
Ow! Open-toed shoes!

109
00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:53,754
Did you happen to notice
a tiara falling from
our terrace a moment ago?

110
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,387
Oh, I'm not sure.
Could you describe it?

111
00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:58,664
Oh, come on now.

112
00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:00,662
How many crowns
fell in your tub?

113
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,674
It's diamond, sparkly,
my boss got married under it.

114
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,400
Is tYes!it?

115
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:09,836
Oh! Thank you!
You just saved my job!

116
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:10,640
Uh-uh-uh.

117
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:13,811
I will return it
to your employer,

118
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:17,681
along with an explanation
of just how it came to be
in my possession.

119
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:27,861
By the way,
tell that delicious hunk
of butler Bertram

120
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,488
that Rhoda says...
(GROWLS)

121
00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:36,863
Great!

122
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:38,497
Now I'm about to lose
my job and my lunch.

123
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:46,737
Bertram, I think you have
a secret admirer
in the building.

124
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:47,884
Really?

125
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:49,838
Is it that
saucy little dancer
on the 12th floor?

126
00:06:49,877 --> 00:06:52,977
She's always
making eyes at me
in the elevator.

127
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:55,851
No.

128
00:06:55,883 --> 00:06:57,423
And ew!

129
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,923
Even better,
it's Mrs. Chesterfield!

130
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:05,887
Mega ew!

131
00:07:07,828 --> 00:07:10,758
Actually,
you guys have
a lot in common.

132
00:07:10,798 --> 00:07:12,198
You're both old,
you're both cranky,

133
00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:15,772
you both need a shave.

134
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,573
I'm surprised you
haven't put a ring
on that yet.

135
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,583
Why are you trying
to fix me up with
that old harpy?

136
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:28,923
Okay, I dropped
Christina's diamond tiara
off the balcony,

137
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,719
it fell in
Mrs. Chesterfield's hot tub,

138
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:31,721
and I need you
to get her out
of her apartment

139
00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,752
so I can go retrieve it,
so I don't get fired.

140
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,247
(CHUCKLES)

141
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,017
Nice knowing you.

142
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,625
Then you've
left us no choice.

143
00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:41,500
It's time to move on
to Plan B.

144
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:44,668
Ow!

145
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:49,036
Zuri, that's Plan C!

146
00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,769
Sorry, I just
really love Plan C.

147
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:57,708
Plan B is to tell Christina
that you left the tiara out

148
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:59,745
when it came back
from the jewelers

149
00:07:59,780 --> 00:08:00,680
instead of putting
it in the safe
where it belongs.

150
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,247
Because the safe is
all the way upstairs.
It's...

151
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:09,516
It's too far.

152
00:08:09,557 --> 00:08:10,657
You know what's
nice and close?

153
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,961
The unemployment office.

154
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:13,692
Okay, okay!
Give me the phone.

155
00:08:19,567 --> 00:08:20,627
(GRUNTS)

156
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:21,568
Seriously?

157
00:08:28,041 --> 00:08:30,941
(PHONE RINGING)

158
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,948
(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Rhoda Chesterfield's
residence.

159
00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:36,080
Hello, this is
Bertram from upstairs.

160
00:08:36,116 --> 00:08:37,786
Is she available?

161
00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:38,818
Let me check.

162
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:40,920
(NORMAL VOICE)
Bertram!

163
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:45,761
To what do I owe this
delightful surprise?

164
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:46,963
I was wondering
if you'd like to...

165
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:50,304
Yes!

166
00:08:50,330 --> 00:08:52,030
But, you don't even know
what I was going to say!

167
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:54,325
Doesn't matter.
I'll be ready at 8:00.

168
00:08:54,367 --> 00:08:55,797
See you tonight!

169
00:08:56,804 --> 00:08:57,744
Score!

170
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:00,713
(SOBBING)

171
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,754
He's taking it
better than I
thought he would.

172
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,778
Hey, guys. I've got
the perfect thing

173
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:12,788
to make Mr. Kipling's
video go viral.

174
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:14,890
Let me guess.
A cute outfit!

175
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,886
No. A cute costume.

176
00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:22,060
Captain Kipling
to the rescue!

177
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:25,125
I love it!

178
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,865
Can we even get him
into that?

179
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:28,600
Try keeping him
out of it.

180
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:33,740
That was not so hard.

181
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,110
Yeah, we still have
most of our fingers.

182
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,750
It's worth it.
He looks totes adorable.

183
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:45,624
Okay, so,

184
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:48,363
let's go throw him
off the stairway and
pretend that he's flying.

185
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:51,658
I hope you are
planning on having
a stunt lizard.

186
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:54,392
Oh, relax!
When we throw him,
we'll aim for the couch.

187
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,727
You cannot even
aim correctly
for the toilet!

188
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:00,096
True.

189
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:03,904
So you're clear
on the plan?

190
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:04,737
Yes! I get the crone
out of her apartment

191
00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:07,172
and I leave the door
open a crack.

192
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,837
It's not exactly
Mission Impossible.

193
00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:11,908
Where are you
taking her for dinner?

194
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,775
I'm hoping Australia.

195
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:17,685
You expect me to spend money
on her, too? Uh-uh-uh.

196
00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,388
We'll be dining on
leftovers upstairs.

197
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:21,990
And then I'm gonna
make her do the dishes,

198
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,162
while I hit my head
until the memory's gone.

199
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:25,733
Now, scram!

200
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,131
(CLEARS THROAT)

201
00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:39,670
I'm ready.

202
00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,807
Okay, let's
get her done.

203
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:46,808
You romantic devil.

204
00:10:58,926 --> 00:11:00,956
WaNo, no, no, no, no.t!

205
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,233
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
That was close.

206
00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,134
(CHUCKLES)

207
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:12,211
Uh-oh.
This mission just got
a little more impossible.

208
00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,877
I don't suppose you
could chew your way
through the door.

209
00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,010
Who am I kidding.

210
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,775
If you could,
you would've done it
a long time ago.

211
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:29,723
Oh, Bertram,
these appetizers
are simply divine.

212
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:31,057
What did you say
they were called?

213
00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:33,032
Potato chips?

214
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:34,861
Mmm.

215
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,965
Delightfully crunchy!

216
00:11:37,998 --> 00:11:41,768
And I just can't get over
this breathtaking view.

217
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:54,278
They must be
having dinner
in the kitchen.

218
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:56,954
Okay, we use
this rope ladder
from the helicopter

219
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,894
to get down to
Chesterfield's terrace.

220
00:11:58,919 --> 00:11:59,949
What do you mean "we"?

221
00:11:59,987 --> 00:12:03,087
I'm afraid of heights.
And dying.

222
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:07,325
Okay, okay.
Just hold it
steady for me.

223
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,003
(GASPS)

224
00:12:14,034 --> 00:12:14,074
Bertie, what's wrong?

225
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,939
Nothing. I just want to

226
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,006
show you something
in the kitchen.

227
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:27,350
What did you
want to show me?

228
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,920
Um...

229
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:34,050
Oh! My new mp3 player!

230
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:34,817
(UShall we dance?YS)

231
00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:37,355
Oh, yes!

232
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:42,001
Spin me,
spin me right round
like a record!

233
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:49,871
(ZEUS BARKS)

234
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:50,803
Did you hear that?

235
00:12:50,838 --> 00:12:53,138
I can't hear anything
over your outfit.

236
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,343
(LAUGHS)

237
00:12:54,374 --> 00:12:57,344
I heard barking!

238
00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:59,907
That's because
you bring out
the animal in me.

239
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,247
(BARKS)

240
00:13:01,281 --> 00:13:02,221
(SPITS))

241
00:13:04,217 --> 00:13:05,987
(ZEUS BARKING)

242
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,819
No, it sounds
like my Zeus.

243
00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:09,355
Wait! Wait!
We can't leave
the kitchen.

244
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:12,129
Why not?

245
00:13:12,159 --> 00:13:13,959
Because, um,

246
00:13:13,994 --> 00:13:15,304
my garlic bread
is burning.

247
00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:18,128
Oh, I know exactly
how it feels.

248
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:20,967
(SNEEZES)

249
00:13:23,170 --> 00:13:25,110
Zeus, why are you
sweating so much?

250
00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,338
I'm the one who
should be nervous.

251
00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,044
Wait a minute.
Dogs don't sweat.

252
00:13:29,076 --> 00:13:29,136
Ew!

253
00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,190
(SCREAMS)

254
00:13:46,293 --> 00:13:48,133
Hurry!
They're almost
done with dinner

255
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:49,931
and I know what
Mrs. Chesterfield
wants for dessert.

256
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:53,003
Bertram a la mode!

257
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,903
I don't wanna
talk about it.

258
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,344
Okay. We need to
find that tiara.

259
00:13:59,372 --> 00:14:01,142
I don't want
to lose my job!

260
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,914
And I don't want to lose
the best nanny I ever had!

261
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,214
You've been such
a great role model.

262
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:08,176
Thank you.

263
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,245
Now put on your gloves
and let's ransack this joint.

264
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:17,021
Ravi, if you really want
our video to go viral,

265
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:19,287
let me bungee Mr. Kipling
off the balcony!

266
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,026
Look how safe it is.

267
00:14:24,331 --> 00:14:25,231
(HISSES)

268
00:14:29,269 --> 00:14:32,909
This is why Mr. Kipling
does not work with
first time directors!

269
00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:37,642
Hey, Luke!
Dad texted you back.

270
00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,447
He says,
"To make a hit movie,

271
00:14:39,479 --> 00:14:41,919
"tell the story
that's in your heart.

272
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:42,219
"Then hire Johnny Depp."

273
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:47,918
Hey! Mr. Kipling is
the star of this video.

274
00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:48,115
He gets top billing.

275
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,590
"And if you can't
get Johnny Depp,

276
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:55,334
"strap the camera
to the lizard and
see what happens."

277
00:14:55,362 --> 00:14:57,932
That is brilliant!

278
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:00,265
We'll have to give Dad
a shout out when we
accept our Webby Award.

279
00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:04,100
Wait! If Mr. Kipling
is also going to be
the cameraman,

280
00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,037
he must be
paid double.

281
00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:06,713
Since we're
paying him nothing...

282
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:08,509
Deal!

283
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:12,950
Bertram,
this freezer-burned
key lime pie

284
00:15:12,980 --> 00:15:14,310
is like a little slice
of expired heaven.

285
00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:19,417
Served by a husky angel.

286
00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:22,292
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

287
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:23,162
This is the longest meal
of my life.

288
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:31,126
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, that tickles!

289
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,004
Oh, Bertram,
you frisky rascal!

290
00:15:34,134 --> 00:15:35,144
That's not me.

291
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:38,308
(SCREAMS)

292
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:43,037
Sorry about that.

293
00:15:43,076 --> 00:15:46,476
No sudden moves.
He can smell fear.

294
00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:49,253
That smell's been
coming off me all night.

295
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,422
Bertram,
I'm going to faint!

296
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,391
Catch me.

297
00:15:56,023 --> 00:15:57,963
(SOBBING)

298
00:15:59,159 --> 00:16:01,559
He's licking my face.

299
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:04,163
Better him than me.

300
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,496
If you were a tiara,
where would you be?

301
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:08,895
On a head.

302
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:11,035
Not helping.

303
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:15,041
Oh, not now, Zeus!

304
00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,375
Zeus! Knock it off!

305
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:23,747
(GASPS) Holy hound dog!
The tiara!

306
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:24,323
Why didn't you
say something?

307
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:27,586
(DOOUh-oh.ING)

308
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:31,322
MRS. CHESTERFIELD:
Let me just check on Zeus.

309
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:38,027
Are you okay,
Mr. Fluffy Pants?

310
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:38,225
Hang that up for me.

311
00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,403
Aah!

312
00:16:46,273 --> 00:16:46,773
(GROWLS)

313
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,206
(LAUGHING)

314
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:50,341
Shh!

315
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,381
He slammed the door
on my fingers!

316
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:56,453
Which, so far,
is the highlight
of my day.

317
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:59,253
Zeusie, meet
the other man
in my life.

318
00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:01,246
Give Uncle Bertie
a kiss!

319
00:17:01,288 --> 00:17:02,588
I don't kiss
on the first date.

320
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:04,322
(CHUCKLES)
We'll see about that.

321
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:06,286
(GROANS)

322
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:14,273
That video of Kipling
licking Chesterfield
was hilarious.

323
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:17,071
Too bad it was
completely out of focus.

324
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:18,544
Kipling really blew it.

325
00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:24,441
He is a lizard,
not J.J. Abrams!

326
00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,647
Hey, what's this
rope ladder doing
out here?

327
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,048
Who cares?

328
00:17:29,082 --> 00:17:30,522
Let's dress Mr. Kipling
as a pirate

329
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,290
and have him pretend
to climb it.

330
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:34,290
Great idea!

331
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:37,591
We'll need an eye patch,
a peg leg, and a hook.

332
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,294
(GRUNTS)

333
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:43,197
And that's just
for whoever tries to
get him into the costume.

334
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,865
Come closer.
I don't bite.

335
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,340
I do.
When I feel threatened.

336
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,105
(BARKING)

337
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,841
What is it, Zeus?
Is there something
in the armoire?

338
00:17:55,875 --> 00:17:57,575
No!

339
00:17:57,610 --> 00:18:02,520
What is that
intoxicating fragrance?

340
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,449
Eau de key lime pie.

341
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:05,694
Want a taste?

342
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:23,169
The rope ladder's gone!

343
00:18:23,203 --> 00:18:26,543
I bet Luke took it.

344
00:18:26,573 --> 00:18:28,343
He's had dirty socks
on his floor
for three months,

345
00:18:28,375 --> 00:18:29,475
but this he picks up!

346
00:18:31,311 --> 00:18:34,681
MRS. CHESTERFIELD:
Come, Bertie!
Let's go look at the stars.

347
00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:41,585
No room!
Casa Chihuahua is ocupado.

348
00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:57,535
Look, Bertram.
The hot tub is steamy
and freshly disinfected.

349
00:18:58,571 --> 00:18:59,471
Like me.

350
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:02,183
TMI.

351
00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,179
Let's jump in.

352
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,151
It's time to play
a little game
I like to call,

353
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:09,717
Rub-a-dub Rhoda.

354
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,349
Can't we just
play checkers?

355
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,390
Last one in
gets the wonky jet.

356
00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:29,270
(SCREAMS)

357
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:35,405
Nessie!
What are you
doing here?

358
00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,582
Wait, this isn't
our terrace?

359
00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,780
I must be
sleep soaking.

360
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:43,420
And I must be
going now!

361
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:48,424
Those revolting children
were in my house?

362
00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,285
BERTRAM: Hey!.

363
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:53,763
No one calls those kids
revolting and repugnant
except me.

364
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:57,503
And they wouldn't be here
if you'd given that tiara
back in the first place.

365
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:58,630
And I wouldn't
be here, either!

366
00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:02,265
You mean this was
all a set-up?

367
00:20:02,302 --> 00:20:03,742
I've never been
so humiliated.

368
00:20:03,770 --> 00:20:05,540
I find that
hard to believe.

369
00:20:07,540 --> 00:20:09,610
I'm sorry,
Mrs. Chesterfield.

370
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:12,252
We didn't mean
to hurt you.
I just...

371
00:20:12,279 --> 00:20:13,649
I don't want
to lose my job.

372
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,380
I love these kids
so much.

373
00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:18,986
We love you, too.

374
00:20:19,018 --> 00:20:20,548
I don't like
any of you.

375
00:20:21,321 --> 00:20:24,291
Clearly.

376
00:20:24,324 --> 00:20:26,594
I'd be weeping now
if my tear ducts
weren't so full of Botox.

377
00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,495
Look, Rhoda,

378
00:20:29,529 --> 00:20:31,699
if you don't
rat on Jessie,

379
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,731
I'll take you out
on a real date.

380
00:20:33,766 --> 00:20:36,566
Why should I
go out with you

381
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,773
after the shabby way
you've treated me?

382
00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,265
Suit yourself.

383
00:20:40,307 --> 00:20:42,607
Ooh! I love when
you play hard to get.

384
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:47,654
Shall we say Chez Fancy
tomorrow night, 8:00?

385
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:49,650
You can say it.

386
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,422
I'll be at the Korean
Barbecue truck on
the corner at 4:30.

387
00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:52,592
Done!

388
00:20:58,325 --> 00:20:59,455
Score!

389
00:21:01,694 --> 00:21:03,304
Thank you, Bertram.

390
00:21:03,330 --> 00:21:04,830
Talk about taking one
for the team.

391
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:06,404
I took more than one!

392
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:09,303
That dog was
all over me, too.

393
00:21:09,336 --> 00:21:12,306
Now go put that tiara
back in the safe.

394
00:21:12,339 --> 00:21:13,439
I'd do it, but...

395
00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:15,813
We know.
It's too far.

396
00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:21,609
RAVI: Mr. Kipling looks
quite the swashbuckler,
does he not?

397
00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:24,446
This stinks.

398
00:21:24,484 --> 00:21:26,594
I told you
we should have
moved the furniture.

399
00:21:28,355 --> 00:21:29,615
I give up.

400
00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:32,086
Making a funny viral video
is impossible
if you don't have

401
00:21:32,124 --> 00:21:35,704
a talking dog,
or a sneezing panda.

402
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:38,728
Hi, guys! You want to see
the video I just posted?

403
00:21:41,601 --> 00:21:45,341
No! No! No! No!
Bad! The tiara!
Gone! Fell!

404
00:21:45,372 --> 00:21:49,342
It fell! It's gone!
It's gone!
Really, really bad!

405
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:51,476
Cut! Cut!
Turn it off!
Cut! Cut!

406
00:21:51,511 --> 00:21:52,081
Cut! Cut!

407
00:21:52,111 --> 00:21:55,581
(ALL LAUGHING)

408
00:21:55,615 --> 00:21:57,445
Please don't tell me
you put this
on the Internet.

409
00:21:57,484 --> 00:21:59,654
Yep! You're a star!

410
00:21:59,686 --> 00:22:01,846
You already got
40,000 hits!

411
00:22:01,888 --> 00:22:05,588
You're gonna be more popular
than that monkey who sniffed
his own butt!

412
00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:11,430
Great!
Now thousands of people
think I'm a klutz,

413
00:22:11,464 --> 00:22:14,704
who lives in a penthouse
and has an awesome priceless
jewelry collection?

414
00:22:14,734 --> 00:22:16,904
(GASPS) I'm sending a link
to Darla back home.

415
00:22:16,936 --> 00:22:20,366
That should have
been Mr. Kipling.

416
00:22:20,407 --> 00:22:23,707
I guess he is just another
pretty face with no talent.

417
00:22:23,743 --> 00:22:24,913
(PIANO PLAYING)

418
00:22:33,420 --> 00:22:34,490
(CONTINUES PLAYING)