1
00:00:34,871 --> 00:00:37,246
Doesn't have
a handle on that one at all.

2
00:00:37,247 --> 00:00:39,456
He's not
getting down on the ball...

3
00:00:39,457 --> 00:00:42,960
...still
struggling here in the early...

4
00:00:42,961 --> 00:00:44,421
Oh, my God.

5
00:00:50,594 --> 00:00:52,011
The old cockahs in the stands

6
00:00:52,012 --> 00:00:54,263
are better than the young
cockahs on the field.

7
00:00:54,264 --> 00:00:57,349
- Who's the man?
- Throw that already!

8
00:00:57,350 --> 00:00:58,560
Come on!

9
00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:03,522
He just missed someone
in the crowd!

10
00:01:03,523 --> 00:01:07,026
What crowd?
We could all go home in one car.

11
00:01:07,027 --> 00:01:08,944
Maybe he should lay down a bunt.

12
00:01:08,945 --> 00:01:11,948
This guy couldn't lay down
a carpet.

13
00:01:17,287 --> 00:01:18,330
Now he's over swinging.

14
00:01:18,331 --> 00:01:22,876
Don't complain. At least
he's cooling off the place.

15
00:01:25,921 --> 00:01:26,963
Strike! Get out of here!

16
00:01:26,964 --> 00:01:30,049
You remember Clemente,
on the Pittsburgh Pirates?

17
00:01:30,050 --> 00:01:31,508
I always envied you, Oscar.

18
00:01:31,509 --> 00:01:33,302
Covering the Yankees
and the Mets.

19
00:01:33,303 --> 00:01:36,639
- I bet you miss New York, huh?
- Well, what was I gonna do?

20
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,016
They sold the paper
to an Australian.

21
00:01:39,017 --> 00:01:41,310
Lucky for me they didn't sell
to the Japanese.

22
00:01:41,311 --> 00:01:44,230
It would take me a year
to read the batting averages.

23
00:01:44,231 --> 00:01:46,398
Oh, Oscar!

24
00:01:46,399 --> 00:01:47,192
Oh, hiya, Peaches.

25
00:01:47,193 --> 00:01:50,986
I'm having a dinner party
Friday night.

26
00:01:50,987 --> 00:01:52,488
We're short one man.

27
00:01:52,489 --> 00:01:55,157
How about Abe here?
He's a short man.

28
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:58,452
You can run, Oscar,
but you can't hide.

29
00:01:58,453 --> 00:01:59,496
See ya.

30
00:01:59,497 --> 00:02:01,997
That's such
an original expression.

31
00:02:01,998 --> 00:02:04,959
I hate a woman
who talks like Muhammad Ali.

32
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:09,672
- Hey, Conchita!
- Tough loss today, eh, Oscar?

33
00:02:09,673 --> 00:02:11,340
Yeah, I'm suicidal, honey.

34
00:02:11,341 --> 00:02:16,178
If I call 911 tonight,
any chance of mouth to mouth?

35
00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:19,139
Yeah, <i>beso loco</i>. Mm.

36
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:22,017
What's the matter? Don't you
look at a good ass anymore?

37
00:02:22,018 --> 00:02:23,686
I'm not allowed
to look at pastrami,

38
00:02:23,687 --> 00:02:24,937
why should I look at an ass?

39
00:02:24,938 --> 00:02:27,356
Are you coming
to the game tonight, Abe?

40
00:02:27,357 --> 00:02:30,359
I'll be a little late.
I have to pay my respects.

41
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:34,405
- A friend in my building died.
- Oh, sorry to hear that.

42
00:02:34,406 --> 00:02:35,156
What did he die of?

43
00:02:35,157 --> 00:02:37,533
He got hit by lightning
on a golf course.

44
00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:40,619
Ah. He should have been
using his woods.

45
00:02:41,205 --> 00:02:44,456
Find out what his rent was.
I'm always looking for cheaper.

46
00:02:44,457 --> 00:02:46,500
See you at the game.

47
00:03:09,482 --> 00:03:11,358
I used to make that shot.

48
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:12,235
Damn it, Madison!

49
00:03:12,236 --> 00:03:13,485
My wife and I
are fed up with this!

50
00:03:13,486 --> 00:03:17,323
I'm filing a complaint.
Are you gonna clean this up?

51
00:03:17,324 --> 00:03:17,741
Absolutely.

52
00:03:17,742 --> 00:03:21,119
Whatever the cats don't finish
I'll clean up later.

53
00:03:31,755 --> 00:03:34,048
Come on, where is Oscar?

54
00:03:34,049 --> 00:03:36,258
Coming! I'm in! I'm in!

55
00:03:36,259 --> 00:03:40,220
Nobody bet. Hold the bets.
I got a raise coming.

56
00:03:40,221 --> 00:03:44,433
- How are we doing, girls?
- Everybody's in except Esther.

57
00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:46,226
Esther, you didn't make
your straight?

58
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:48,437
Who knows?
I can't see the numbers.

59
00:03:48,438 --> 00:03:51,482
Why can't we play
with those great big cards?

60
00:03:51,483 --> 00:03:52,233
We tried that once.

61
00:03:52,234 --> 00:03:55,402
Every time I shuffled,
Abe's toupee blew off.

62
00:03:55,403 --> 00:03:56,404
Not anymore.

63
00:03:56,405 --> 00:03:58,322
This is the kind
you can swim in.

64
00:03:58,323 --> 00:04:00,616
Be careful, Abe.
If you swim with that rug,

65
00:04:00,617 --> 00:04:03,202
and they'll think
you're building a dam.

66
00:04:03,203 --> 00:04:04,120
Oh, come on.

67
00:04:04,121 --> 00:04:07,581
Who gets the Eggeman's
uh, lemon loaf cake,

68
00:04:07,582 --> 00:04:10,334
no cholesterol,
no fat, no taste?

69
00:04:10,335 --> 00:04:12,753
- That's mine.
- One plate of chemical

70
00:04:12,754 --> 00:04:15,422
- sponge cake for Millie.
- Thanks, darling.

71
00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:19,426
You're welcome. Wanda...
Wanda, you vixen,

72
00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,553
you know how that perfume

73
00:04:21,554 --> 00:04:25,641
drives me crazy!

74
00:04:25,642 --> 00:04:27,267
- You really like it?
- Yeah.

75
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:31,397
- Also I see I got you beat!
- He always does that to me!

76
00:04:31,398 --> 00:04:32,357
Don't worry about it.
Listen,

77
00:04:32,358 --> 00:04:35,651
I lost so many brain cells
today, I forgot what I saw.

78
00:04:35,652 --> 00:04:38,487
Just like my third husband,
he should rest in peace.

79
00:04:38,488 --> 00:04:41,407
How do you know he's dead?
Maybe he's just bluffing.

80
00:04:41,408 --> 00:04:42,325
It's not funny.

81
00:04:42,326 --> 00:04:45,494
Who gets the salt-free nachos
with cottage cheese chili?

82
00:04:45,495 --> 00:04:46,787
Oh, that's mine, Oscar.

83
00:04:46,788 --> 00:04:49,456
One Jenny Craig Mexican style

84
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:54,628
type of casserole dinner
for <i>Señorita</i> Abromowitz.

85
00:04:54,629 --> 00:04:58,424
And we have a cherry soda
for Abe.

86
00:04:58,425 --> 00:05:00,552
What happened to Abe?
Where's Abe?

87
00:05:01,177 --> 00:05:01,428
Here.

88
00:05:01,429 --> 00:05:05,347
Oh. Why don't you sit
on a magazine? I can't see you.

89
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:08,226
This isn't cherry, it's lemon.

90
00:05:11,729 --> 00:05:13,105
Now it's cherry.

91
00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:14,649
Whose bet is it?

92
00:05:14,650 --> 00:05:17,651
Millie raised a quarter,
so it's 33 cents for you.

93
00:05:17,652 --> 00:05:22,197
Thirty-three cents? You need
nerves of steel for this game.

94
00:05:22,825 --> 00:05:25,576
I'm in. Let me get that.

95
00:05:25,577 --> 00:05:26,702
We never finish the game.

96
00:05:26,703 --> 00:05:29,580
All right, all right,
I'm coming, I'm coming.

97
00:05:29,581 --> 00:05:32,666
Whoever it is,
I'll pay on Thursday.

98
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:33,418
<i>You sound good, Pop.</i>

99
00:05:33,419 --> 00:05:37,588
<i>Brucey! Brucey boy, how are you?
What are you do--</i>

100
00:05:37,589 --> 00:05:42,426
Hold it down, will you, girls?
It's my son from California.

101
00:05:42,427 --> 00:05:43,178
California.

102
00:05:43,179 --> 00:05:47,514
My sister lost three pairs
of dentures in the earthquakes.

103
00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,850
- How does she eat?
- She sends out.

104
00:05:49,851 --> 00:05:52,394
You, too, Brucey.
Are you still an actor?

105
00:05:52,395 --> 00:05:53,146
Still an actor, Pop.

106
00:05:53,147 --> 00:05:56,273
I got a call from CBS,
I might get a pilot this week.

107
00:05:56,274 --> 00:05:56,900
Hey! That's terrific!

108
00:05:56,901 --> 00:06:00,360
- My kid may get a pilot.
- He got his own plane?

109
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:01,612
You don't know what a pilot is?

110
00:06:01,613 --> 00:06:04,865
It is a television show
that doesn't get on television.

111
00:06:04,866 --> 00:06:06,617
Pop, that's not why I'm calling.

112
00:06:06,618 --> 00:06:08,536
<i>I've got some big news for you.</i>

113
00:06:08,828 --> 00:06:10,537
I'm getting married this week.

114
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,289
- Married?
- Yay!

115
00:06:12,290 --> 00:06:15,375
- Why?
- Because I love her, that's why.

116
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:19,630
You didn't say it was a girl.
If you're happy, I'm happy.

117
00:06:19,631 --> 00:06:21,215
My kid is getting married.

118
00:06:23,176 --> 00:06:26,220
There goes my Rachel's
last chance.

119
00:06:26,221 --> 00:06:27,888
It's this Sunday afternoon, Pop.

120
00:06:27,889 --> 00:06:28,890
<i>Think you can come?</i>

121
00:06:28,891 --> 00:06:31,183
Wild racehorses
couldn't keep me away.

122
00:06:31,184 --> 00:06:33,268
- Where is it?
<i>- At her mother's house</i>

123
00:06:33,269 --> 00:06:34,270
in San Malina.

124
00:06:34,271 --> 00:06:36,688
San "Belone"?
What was the name again?

125
00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:38,774
San Malina. It's about two hours
north of L.A.

126
00:06:38,775 --> 00:06:40,943
<i>- We'll send you the address.</i>
- Okay. Listen,

127
00:06:40,944 --> 00:06:42,945
If I'm not being too nosy,
sweetheart,

128
00:06:42,946 --> 00:06:47,241
- who the hell are you marrying?
<i>- She's an actress, Pop.</i>

129
00:06:47,242 --> 00:06:47,659
She's beautiful.

130
00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:49,451
- So talented.
- She's so talented.

131
00:06:49,452 --> 00:06:50,537
- Smart.
- She's very smart.

132
00:06:50,538 --> 00:06:53,789
- And she loves your son. And I--
- You see what I mean, Pop?

133
00:06:53,790 --> 00:06:56,376
I love her already.
So who is she?

134
00:06:57,669 --> 00:06:58,769
Well...

135
00:06:59,671 --> 00:07:00,630
Hold on to your hat, Pop.

136
00:07:00,631 --> 00:07:03,423
I need a hat to hold on to
to hear this?

137
00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:07,469
She's not one a six foot ten
basketball player, is she?

138
00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:09,972
As long as she's thin.

139
00:07:09,973 --> 00:07:11,808
I can't hear you.

140
00:07:12,308 --> 00:07:14,394
She's whose daughter?

141
00:07:15,645 --> 00:07:16,938
Whose?

142
00:07:17,814 --> 00:07:19,691
Oh, my God!

143
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,664
I'm sorry.

144
00:07:35,665 --> 00:07:37,000
Miss?

145
00:07:37,835 --> 00:07:42,337
Excuse me, I wonder if I might
change my seat

146
00:07:42,338 --> 00:07:43,714
into the non-smoking section?

147
00:07:43,715 --> 00:07:46,633
Oh, well, the entire plane
is non-smoking, sir.

148
00:07:46,634 --> 00:07:48,343
There's no one smoking
on this aircraft.

149
00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:50,846
I understand,
but possibly the attendants

150
00:07:50,847 --> 00:07:51,889
who clean the planes
at the airport

151
00:07:51,890 --> 00:07:55,309
were smoking in here.
I'm very sensitive to that.

152
00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:58,895
Well, I'm sorry, sir,
but the entire plane is full.

153
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:01,357
Yeah, well...

154
00:08:03,026 --> 00:08:03,860
Hey, ma'am...

155
00:08:03,861 --> 00:08:06,862
see, it's not just the smoke.
The woman next to me

156
00:08:06,863 --> 00:08:09,906
is wearing a perfume
I have a definite allergy to.

157
00:08:09,907 --> 00:08:11,491
Well, I've already
moved you once.

158
00:08:11,492 --> 00:08:13,785
Yeah. No, that was
because of hair spray.

159
00:08:13,786 --> 00:08:14,953
Now, look,

160
00:08:14,954 --> 00:08:17,873
I know that I sound crazy,
but I just happen to be

161
00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:20,667
one of those
hyper-allergenic cases.

162
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:22,044
Can't you at least try?

163
00:08:22,045 --> 00:08:24,463
You mean sniff every woman
on this plane

164
00:08:24,464 --> 00:08:26,882
until you find a perfume
you're not allergic to?

165
00:08:26,883 --> 00:08:28,800
I didn't complain
about the food, did I?

166
00:08:28,801 --> 00:08:30,886
I didn't eat it,
but I didn't complain about it.

167
00:08:30,887 --> 00:08:32,888
You asked for the Hawaiian
mahi-mahi

168
00:08:32,889 --> 00:08:34,556
and I told you
that we only serve it

169
00:08:34,557 --> 00:08:37,017
on the west-east flights,
not the east-west flights.

170
00:08:37,018 --> 00:08:40,562
I thought there might be
one piece of mahi-mahi

171
00:08:40,563 --> 00:08:43,608
making the return trip.
That's all.

172
00:08:44,359 --> 00:08:46,861
Just forget it, I'll manage.

173
00:08:51,908 --> 00:08:54,451
I have some cough lozenges,
if you like.

174
00:08:54,452 --> 00:08:56,495
Aw, that's sweet...
Thank you, no.

175
00:08:56,496 --> 00:08:58,914
I have an unusually small
windpipe.

176
00:08:58,915 --> 00:09:02,877
If it got stuck,
I could be dead in two minutes.

177
00:09:13,805 --> 00:09:15,597
Are you having trouble
breathing?

178
00:09:15,598 --> 00:09:19,976
I'm nervous because my daughter
is getting married Sunday...

179
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,895
- Oh.
- ...in California.

180
00:09:21,896 --> 00:09:23,773
In San...

181
00:09:24,941 --> 00:09:25,650
San, uh...

182
00:09:25,651 --> 00:09:27,859
Well, I've got a friend
picking me up.

183
00:09:27,860 --> 00:09:30,613
Oh. Nice.

184
00:09:34,492 --> 00:09:36,993
Are you all right?

185
00:09:36,994 --> 00:09:39,121
Your face is turning blueish.

186
00:09:39,122 --> 00:09:40,789
Do you need oxygen?

187
00:09:40,790 --> 00:09:46,504
Yeah, but you never know
who's been using that before.

188
00:09:50,508 --> 00:09:51,759
Stewardess!

189
00:10:01,894 --> 00:10:03,771
Excuse me.

190
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:08,567
Ah! I see my bag.
Excuse me, please, sir.

191
00:10:08,568 --> 00:10:10,485
What happened here?

192
00:10:10,486 --> 00:10:12,779
What do you--
What do you call this?

193
00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:18,118
This is mishandling of luggage!
It's a federal misdemeanor.

194
00:10:18,119 --> 00:10:19,996
Did you see this?

195
00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:46,981
Oscar?

196
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:50,902
Felix?

197
00:10:51,527 --> 00:10:53,070
Oscar!

198
00:10:54,197 --> 00:10:55,907
Felix!

199
00:11:11,672 --> 00:11:13,508
Look out!

200
00:11:20,807 --> 00:11:21,849
Oh, God!

201
00:11:21,850 --> 00:11:26,102
We haven't even said hello,
and I've got a broken leg.

202
00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:28,563
It's just a sprain.
Hello, Felix.

203
00:11:28,564 --> 00:11:30,732
Let me know
when you gonna hit a bump.

204
00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:34,654
Okay, that was a bump.

205
00:11:41,577 --> 00:11:44,622
Here we go, we're all set.

206
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,665
Yeah. Maybe we could stop

207
00:11:46,666 --> 00:11:49,251
and get a pair of crutches
some place.

208
00:11:49,252 --> 00:11:50,794
Damn.

209
00:11:50,795 --> 00:11:53,630
Yeah, I'll keep my eye open
for a crutch store.

210
00:11:53,631 --> 00:11:56,716
I'm sure there's a lot of them
on the freeway.

211
00:11:56,717 --> 00:12:01,638
Now, hold on to me
and let's hop over to the car.

212
00:12:01,639 --> 00:12:03,598
That's it.

213
00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:07,645
That's it. Now you've got it.
Okay.

214
00:12:08,187 --> 00:12:09,771
- Oh, God.
- Now, bend down...

215
00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:12,607
- Huh?
- ...and slide into the seat.

216
00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:13,609
You know what I mean?

217
00:12:13,610 --> 00:12:14,943
- And tell me when--
- Ouch!

218
00:12:14,944 --> 00:12:17,112
- Tell me when it hurts.
- That hurts.

219
00:12:17,113 --> 00:12:18,947
All right.
I've got a good idea.

220
00:12:18,948 --> 00:12:21,950
Don't tell me when it hurts
'cause it's gonna hurt anyway.

221
00:12:21,951 --> 00:12:26,621
So when I count to three,
we'll do it all in one big move.

222
00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:28,790
One, two, three!

223
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:32,085
Oh, God!

224
00:12:32,086 --> 00:12:34,045
I like "it hurts" better.

225
00:12:34,046 --> 00:12:36,799
Oh! Oh, God!

226
00:12:38,050 --> 00:12:40,760
Got you some ice
from the machine.

227
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,596
It'll keep the swelling down.

228
00:12:42,597 --> 00:12:44,764
I need something
to put the ice in.

229
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:48,644
Put it in your sock!
What am I, an orthopedic?

230
00:12:57,737 --> 00:12:58,821
Foot feeling any better?

231
00:12:58,822 --> 00:13:02,157
It's not a foot anymore.
It's a piece of frozen meat.

232
00:13:02,158 --> 00:13:05,119
Hang it out the window,
it's warm out.

233
00:13:05,828 --> 00:13:09,623
God, I'm starving. I haven't
eaten since last night.

234
00:13:09,624 --> 00:13:11,166
Didn't they serve on the plane?

235
00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:13,920
No, my fish was flying east.

236
00:13:15,672 --> 00:13:18,089
Here's my complimentary nuts.

237
00:13:18,090 --> 00:13:20,759
Go ahead.
If your teeth keep chattering,

238
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,886
you'll have peanut butter
in three minutes.

239
00:13:22,887 --> 00:13:26,932
Oscar, do you know
what the fat content of nuts is?

240
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:28,850
Not to mention the salt content.

241
00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,685
I could have a heart attack
at the wedding.

242
00:13:30,686 --> 00:13:33,813
Felix, I haven't seen you
in how long? Eight, nine years?

243
00:13:33,814 --> 00:13:38,234
It's 17, 17 years, Oscar.
You couldn't even remember

244
00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:41,321
that we haven't seen each other
for 17 years?

245
00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:43,365
To tell you the truth,
I didn't dwell on it.

246
00:13:43,366 --> 00:13:46,952
All right, 17 years.
So your hair got whiter,

247
00:13:46,953 --> 00:13:49,871
your ears got bigger,
your nose got longer...

248
00:13:49,872 --> 00:13:52,832
but you still retain
that... unique,

249
00:13:52,833 --> 00:13:57,253
elusive, pain in the ass quality
that drives me berserk.

250
00:13:57,254 --> 00:13:58,089
Oh, really?

251
00:13:58,090 --> 00:14:01,883
Well you have changed.
When I saw you at the airport,

252
00:14:01,884 --> 00:14:04,970
I thought you'd died
and your mother came to tell me.

253
00:14:04,971 --> 00:14:07,973
I heard that line
on <i>The Jerry Seinfeld</i> show.

254
00:14:07,974 --> 00:14:12,103
So what? It's how fast
I thought of it that counts.

255
00:14:12,311 --> 00:14:15,689
Open the window.
I want to throw the water out.

256
00:14:15,690 --> 00:14:17,233
It is open.

257
00:14:25,032 --> 00:14:28,035
Sorry, they must have
just cleaned it.

258
00:14:36,002 --> 00:14:37,878
Feeling better now?

259
00:14:38,337 --> 00:14:41,423
What's the matter?
Did you sprain your tongue too?

260
00:14:41,424 --> 00:14:43,341
I'm angry at myself.

261
00:14:43,342 --> 00:14:45,301
I shouldn't have yelled at you
back there.

262
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:48,221
We've always had
bad chemistry, Felix.

263
00:14:48,222 --> 00:14:50,890
We mix like oil
and frozen yoghurt.

264
00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:55,938
- But I'm glad to see you anyway.
- Oh, yeah. Hey, me too, Oz.

265
00:14:57,398 --> 00:15:00,275
I was some kind of nut
in those days, huh?

266
00:15:00,276 --> 00:15:04,904
From pecan to pistachio.

267
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:06,322
I guess I still am.

268
00:15:06,323 --> 00:15:09,784
You know, I hate mess
and I hate disorder.

269
00:15:09,785 --> 00:15:12,287
I went to a hypnotist
to try to cure me.

270
00:15:12,288 --> 00:15:14,205
- It didn't work, right?
- No.

271
00:15:14,206 --> 00:15:18,793
He was late. I straightened up
his office and left.

272
00:15:21,380 --> 00:15:25,467
You better pull off the freeway.
I got to pee.

273
00:15:37,313 --> 00:15:38,773
Hi.

274
00:15:40,816 --> 00:15:43,027
How are you doing, kid?

275
00:15:43,861 --> 00:15:46,154
Are you all right?
Are you the waiter?

276
00:15:46,155 --> 00:15:48,114
What do you want?

277
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,158
Five dollars.

278
00:15:49,159 --> 00:15:51,785
Why should I give you
five dollars?

279
00:15:51,786 --> 00:15:52,787
Your friend said you would

280
00:15:52,788 --> 00:15:55,831
for telling you
he's locked in the bathroom.

281
00:16:00,753 --> 00:16:02,337
Why did you tell him five bucks?

282
00:16:02,338 --> 00:16:05,090
He's only a kid. He would've
done it for a quarter.

283
00:16:05,091 --> 00:16:07,342
What freeway are
we supposed to be on?

284
00:16:07,343 --> 00:16:07,968
The 405.

285
00:16:07,969 --> 00:16:10,178
Yeah, I think that sign
back there said 101.

286
00:16:10,179 --> 00:16:13,515
If you didn't have the brains
to pee back at the airport,

287
00:16:13,516 --> 00:16:16,184
how the hell would you know
what the sign said?

288
00:16:16,185 --> 00:16:18,978
Reading and peeing
are two different things.

289
00:16:18,979 --> 00:16:22,483
At your age you're lucky
you can do either one.

290
00:16:30,116 --> 00:16:32,158
Is your daughter
anything like you?

291
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,035
I mean,
she's not going to clean up

292
00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:35,121
after the reception, is she?

293
00:16:35,122 --> 00:16:38,164
Hey, listen, my daughter
is wonderful young lady,

294
00:16:38,165 --> 00:16:41,793
and your son is damn lucky
to get her, I'll tell you that.

295
00:16:41,794 --> 00:16:43,128
Let me tell you something else.

296
00:16:43,129 --> 00:16:45,421
Please, don't.
That's why I moved to Florida.

297
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:48,550
We keep this up,
I'll be living in Guatemala.

298
00:16:48,551 --> 00:16:50,928
Boy, that's fine by me.

299
00:16:54,140 --> 00:16:57,058
So, what are you, retired now?

300
00:16:57,059 --> 00:16:59,853
What, me, retired?
Oh, God. Never.

301
00:16:59,854 --> 00:17:02,313
No, I'm doing part-time
charity work at the hospital.

302
00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:04,566
What do you mean? Bed pans,
stuff like that?

303
00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:07,902
No, no, no, no. I read to them.
I read them stories,

304
00:17:07,903 --> 00:17:09,946
write letters for them,
tell them jokes.

305
00:17:09,947 --> 00:17:14,576
It's good for me too, you know.
After my last wife...

306
00:17:14,577 --> 00:17:16,870
You've probably heard
about that.

307
00:17:16,871 --> 00:17:19,622
Sorry to hear that.
I heard she went very quickly.

308
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:24,085
Moved out while I was asleep.
Never even left a note.

309
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:26,254
What does that make,
three divorces now?

310
00:17:26,255 --> 00:17:28,089
Three divorces,
two broken engagements,

311
00:17:28,090 --> 00:17:31,092
and five women who disappeared
on the first date.

312
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:33,178
Went to the ladies' room,
never came back.

313
00:17:33,179 --> 00:17:36,848
Ah, you just had some bad luck
with your personality.

314
00:17:36,849 --> 00:17:39,058
Well, maybe,
but I haven't given up, Os,

315
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:43,146
because somewhere out there
there's a right woman for me.

316
00:17:43,147 --> 00:17:45,398
You want me to stop the car
and go and look?

317
00:17:45,399 --> 00:17:48,443
No, but you should pull over

318
00:17:48,444 --> 00:17:49,195
because I've got to eat.

319
00:17:49,196 --> 00:17:53,239
I have this low sugar condition,
I have to eat every four hours.

320
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:54,532
Why the hell didn't you eat

321
00:17:54,533 --> 00:17:57,285
when we stopped back
at El Pollo Loco?

322
00:17:57,286 --> 00:18:02,124
Because it wasn't time
to eat yet, it was time to pee.

323
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:19,349
All right, Felix.

324
00:18:19,350 --> 00:18:23,311
Make out a timetable,
when you're going to eat, pee,

325
00:18:23,312 --> 00:18:25,563
fart, cry and sleep

326
00:18:25,564 --> 00:18:29,609
because that's the last time
I pull off the freeway.

327
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:33,071
And I suppose you never
have to pee, huh?

328
00:18:33,072 --> 00:18:34,656
I do it for half hour
in the morning

329
00:18:34,657 --> 00:18:36,950
and then I'm through
for the day.

330
00:18:42,498 --> 00:18:45,626
What have you got there?
What are you doing?

331
00:18:47,002 --> 00:18:48,336
How do you know
which ones to take?

332
00:18:48,337 --> 00:18:52,633
Doesn't make any difference.
Whatever they fix, I've got.

333
00:18:57,429 --> 00:18:59,013
Don't you take them with water?

334
00:18:59,014 --> 00:19:02,433
With the local water?
Oh, you...

335
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:03,685
Water from around here?

336
00:19:03,686 --> 00:19:06,104
Don't you know
how many pesticides

337
00:19:06,105 --> 00:19:07,563
they have in the local water?

338
00:19:07,564 --> 00:19:08,607
Lower your voice, will you?

339
00:19:08,608 --> 00:19:12,361
People in here don't know
they'll be dead in a week.

340
00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,464
Didn't you fix that yet?

341
00:19:34,174 --> 00:19:37,219
Almost. Just one...

342
00:19:58,324 --> 00:20:02,202
What the hell...
Open a window, will you?

343
00:20:07,666 --> 00:20:08,751
How long was I asleep?

344
00:20:08,752 --> 00:20:12,755
I don't know. I didn't know
you wanted me to time it.

345
00:20:13,005 --> 00:20:14,756
Hey, look at this.
We're off the freeway.

346
00:20:14,757 --> 00:20:16,633
Are we almost there?

347
00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:19,136
I don't think so.

348
00:20:19,137 --> 00:20:21,471
What do you mean?
What do the directions say?

349
00:20:21,472 --> 00:20:23,765
They are gone.
I threw them out of the window.

350
00:20:23,766 --> 00:20:26,601
You threw them out...

351
00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:27,603
You threw them
out of the window!

352
00:20:27,604 --> 00:20:30,396
What the hell made you do
a stupid thing like that?

353
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:34,192
Well, I had them on my lap
so I could read them.

354
00:20:34,193 --> 00:20:37,695
I lit my cigar, the hot ashes
fell on my crotch,

355
00:20:37,696 --> 00:20:38,781
the map caught fire.

356
00:20:38,782 --> 00:20:41,115
I had the choice
of either finding the house

357
00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:44,285
or burning one of most
important parts of my body.

358
00:20:44,286 --> 00:20:46,454
- Guess which I picked?
- Unbelievable.

359
00:20:46,455 --> 00:20:49,082
So you just picked any exit
and got off?

360
00:20:49,083 --> 00:20:50,833
I had to get off some place,
didn't I?

361
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:53,086
This isn't some place,
this is no place.

362
00:20:53,087 --> 00:20:56,799
Pull over, I'll get the
directions out of my suitcase.

363
00:21:22,449 --> 00:21:26,536
- Where is my suitcase? Yeah.
- Your suitcase? In the trunk.

364
00:21:26,537 --> 00:21:27,703
- No.
- No?

365
00:21:27,704 --> 00:21:29,580
- No.
- Did you look good?

366
00:21:29,581 --> 00:21:31,541
The trunk is about this big,
right?

367
00:21:31,542 --> 00:21:33,543
It takes a second and a half
to look in there.

368
00:21:33,544 --> 00:21:39,841
Your 1927 piece of cardboard
is there, but my suitcase isn't.

369
00:21:39,842 --> 00:21:43,595
What are you talking about?
It's got to be there.

370
00:21:44,430 --> 00:21:46,473
Let me look at it.

371
00:21:51,728 --> 00:21:52,813
Oscar...

372
00:21:52,814 --> 00:21:58,317
I'm going to try to stay calm
while I say the next sentence.

373
00:21:58,318 --> 00:22:00,111
If it isn't in there,

374
00:22:00,112 --> 00:22:03,573
where in the hell
is my goddamn suitcase?

375
00:22:03,574 --> 00:22:04,533
This is just a wild guess.

376
00:22:04,534 --> 00:22:08,536
I'd say it's standing in front
of the Budget Rent A Car office.

377
00:22:08,537 --> 00:22:10,204
What, in Los Angeles?

378
00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:11,581
That's a good guess, too.

379
00:22:11,582 --> 00:22:15,877
God Almighty. We're going to go
back and get it!

380
00:22:15,878 --> 00:22:17,254
Go back?

381
00:22:17,463 --> 00:22:19,213
It took us two hours
to get here.

382
00:22:19,214 --> 00:22:21,549
It's gonna take us
another five hours to go back,

383
00:22:21,550 --> 00:22:24,677
'cause I don't know how the hell
we got here in the first place.

384
00:22:24,678 --> 00:22:25,721
Then we'd have
to make three stops.

385
00:22:25,722 --> 00:22:28,556
One for you to pee, one for you
to get locked in the john,

386
00:22:28,557 --> 00:22:31,392
and one for you to pay a kid
five dollars to get out,

387
00:22:31,393 --> 00:22:35,521
and then we'd have to stop again
for you to eat!

388
00:22:35,522 --> 00:22:36,565
Do you understand

389
00:22:36,566 --> 00:22:39,359
what I'm talking about?

390
00:22:52,165 --> 00:22:53,706
What did you have in there?

391
00:22:53,707 --> 00:22:56,667
An ironing board, some
spot remover? I'll pay you back.

392
00:22:56,668 --> 00:23:01,547
In that suitcase was my black
formal afternoon suit

393
00:23:01,548 --> 00:23:05,301
that I bought to wear to give
my daughter away in marriage.

394
00:23:05,302 --> 00:23:10,264
And in that suitcase was
a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray,

395
00:23:10,265 --> 00:23:12,391
which I bought
as a wedding present.

396
00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:15,770
Oh! And in that suitcase
was $10,000 in cash,

397
00:23:15,771 --> 00:23:20,650
which I intended to give to my
son-in-law on his wedding day.

398
00:23:20,651 --> 00:23:24,403
Now, in your suitcase,
the police are going to find

399
00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:29,659
your broken, smashed,
mutilated and dissected body

400
00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:31,786
in the event
that you don't go back

401
00:23:31,787 --> 00:23:33,663
and find my fucking suitcase!

402
00:23:33,664 --> 00:23:35,915
Why don't we ask Budget
to deliver it?

403
00:23:35,916 --> 00:23:39,252
Deliver? Deliver where?
You've crisscrossed California

404
00:23:39,253 --> 00:23:42,255
more than the covered wagons
did 100 years ago!

405
00:23:42,256 --> 00:23:43,631
What the hell
are we going to tell them?

406
00:23:43,632 --> 00:23:46,759
Follow the burned pieces
of directions on the freeway?

407
00:23:46,760 --> 00:23:49,887
All right, we drive
to the first town we see

408
00:23:49,888 --> 00:23:52,473
and then we'll call Budget.
I guarantee it.

409
00:23:52,474 --> 00:23:54,976
That was my best
leather suitcase.

410
00:23:54,977 --> 00:23:58,771
How long is it gonna stand
on the sidewalk unclaimed, huh?

411
00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:01,816
Somebody will be eating
a pepperoni pizza tonight

412
00:24:01,817 --> 00:24:04,235
on my daughter's silver
Tiffany tray.

413
00:24:04,236 --> 00:24:05,320
Okay. Come on back in the car.

414
00:24:05,321 --> 00:24:08,322
If it's still there,
and they have no things today,

415
00:24:08,323 --> 00:24:09,907
they will get it to you fast.

416
00:24:09,908 --> 00:24:14,245
Like Federal Express, UPS,
uh... fax...

417
00:24:14,246 --> 00:24:16,414
You're gonna fax
my suitcase to me?

418
00:24:16,415 --> 00:24:19,792
I can wear a picture
of my black wedding suit.

419
00:24:19,793 --> 00:24:21,711
- Take it easy.
- And paper copies

420
00:24:21,712 --> 00:24:23,504
of $10,000 cash!

421
00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:26,382
Would you stop it? Don't
get physical with me, Felix!

422
00:24:26,383 --> 00:24:30,386
I'm too old to hit,
but I could spit you to death!

423
00:24:30,387 --> 00:24:30,846
Get in the car.

424
00:24:30,847 --> 00:24:34,348
I want to know one thing:
Why, when you get around me

425
00:24:34,349 --> 00:24:38,811
you start to behave like
a goddamn imbecilic,

426
00:24:38,812 --> 00:24:43,567
idiotic, totally moronic
shithead?

427
00:24:46,945 --> 00:24:49,990
- Hey! Wait!
- Hey, wait!

428
00:25:16,058 --> 00:25:18,434
Didn't you put the brakes on?

429
00:25:18,435 --> 00:25:21,813
Why? I didn't know
you were gonna punch it.

430
00:25:24,691 --> 00:25:24,941
Well...

431
00:25:24,942 --> 00:25:29,905
we better call Budget and have
them fax us another car, huh?

432
00:25:46,088 --> 00:25:49,882
- I think I know where we are.
- Oh, you do, huh? Where?

433
00:25:49,883 --> 00:25:51,759
In a Clint Eastwood movie.

434
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:55,054
Huh. "The Good, the Bad
and the Stupid," huh?

435
00:25:55,055 --> 00:25:57,014
How are you feeling?
You're not the only one

436
00:25:57,015 --> 00:25:58,599
who lost everything
in his suitcase.

437
00:25:58,600 --> 00:25:59,725
Oh, really?
Now, what did you lose,

438
00:25:59,726 --> 00:26:03,437
an old Mets T-shirt and a half
of a corned beef sandwich?

439
00:26:03,438 --> 00:26:05,690
I lost the most important thing
in my life.

440
00:26:05,691 --> 00:26:09,443
- What's that?
- My return ticket to Sarasota,

441
00:26:09,444 --> 00:26:09,986
- Florida.
- Uh-huh.

442
00:26:09,987 --> 00:26:13,948
Listen, instead of complaining,
why don't you look for a phone?

443
00:26:13,949 --> 00:26:16,992
What the hell makes you think
there'd be a telephone

444
00:26:16,993 --> 00:26:17,786
anywhere out here?

445
00:26:17,787 --> 00:26:20,746
This is probably where they test
those nuclear bombs.

446
00:26:20,747 --> 00:26:25,126
They would have to call somebody
to find out if they went off.

447
00:26:28,088 --> 00:26:29,588
I thought that was a snake.

448
00:26:29,589 --> 00:26:32,425
They probably got poisonous
spiders out here, too.

449
00:26:32,426 --> 00:26:34,719
Get out of here!
What will they live on?

450
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:36,595
You think they're waiting
for two schmucks

451
00:26:36,596 --> 00:26:38,472
- like us to show up?
- Come on.

452
00:26:38,473 --> 00:26:40,475
I got to sit down. Let's rest.

453
00:26:50,485 --> 00:26:52,028
Oscar...

454
00:26:52,529 --> 00:26:54,781
we need to have a plan.

455
00:26:54,990 --> 00:26:56,824
- Agreed?
- Agreed.

456
00:26:56,825 --> 00:26:58,869
What should the plan be?

457
00:26:59,953 --> 00:27:02,663
I don't care, I agreed.
I did my part.

458
00:27:02,664 --> 00:27:05,708
We got to find a telephone
and call Hannah's mother,

459
00:27:05,709 --> 00:27:07,960
get her to send a car out here
to pick us up, huh?

460
00:27:07,961 --> 00:27:12,006
- You know the number?
- No, it was in my suitcase.

461
00:27:12,007 --> 00:27:15,802
- We could call the information.
- In what town?

462
00:27:16,511 --> 00:27:22,016
San... My daughter said San...
Don't you remember?

463
00:27:22,017 --> 00:27:25,853
No, I was playing poker.
I couldn't hear anything.

464
00:27:25,854 --> 00:27:26,480
San Marino?

465
00:27:26,481 --> 00:27:28,814
No, it wasn't San Marino.
Maybe San Cantino?

466
00:27:28,815 --> 00:27:31,151
- Not San Cantino.
- No, not San Cantino.

467
00:27:31,610 --> 00:27:35,029
- San Sereno?
- No, not San Sereno.

468
00:27:35,030 --> 00:27:37,531
- San Bandino.
- San Patino.

469
00:27:37,532 --> 00:27:42,703
San Farina. Where are you going,
for crying out loud?

470
00:27:42,704 --> 00:27:43,079
San Farina!

471
00:27:43,080 --> 00:27:46,123
We-- We could this forever.
We need a phone book.

472
00:27:46,124 --> 00:27:48,542
How many towns
can sound like that?

473
00:27:48,543 --> 00:27:49,919
In California, all of them.

474
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,588
San Diego, San José,
San Quentin...

475
00:27:52,589 --> 00:27:57,551
- San Mateo.
- San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.

476
00:27:57,552 --> 00:28:00,554
Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzalez.

477
00:28:00,555 --> 00:28:02,515
- San Jemima.
- San Jemima?

478
00:28:02,516 --> 00:28:07,061
What do I know? Fernando Lamas.
Ricardo Montalban.

479
00:28:07,062 --> 00:28:09,980
- Ricky Ricardo.
- San Pagaue.

480
00:28:09,981 --> 00:28:13,860
- Where is that?
- Near Santa Pirano.

481
00:28:14,903 --> 00:28:21,116
Los Pintos, Las Brisas,
Los Pecos. Sound familiar?

482
00:28:21,117 --> 00:28:24,578
Yeah, they are hotels
in Acapulco.

483
00:28:25,039 --> 00:28:27,122
Look, a car has to come
from some direction.

484
00:28:27,123 --> 00:28:31,085
While you stand here, I'll stand
on the other side of the road.

485
00:28:31,086 --> 00:28:34,004
So we can catch all
the heavy traffic

486
00:28:34,005 --> 00:28:37,132
at five o'clock at Los Pecos?

487
00:28:37,133 --> 00:28:39,970
You got a better idea,
Los Idiot?

488
00:28:55,610 --> 00:28:57,278
You see anything yet?

489
00:28:57,279 --> 00:29:02,993
Yeah. For a minute I thought
I saw Omar Sharif on a camel.

490
00:29:18,550 --> 00:29:20,844
Hey! Come back!

491
00:29:21,011 --> 00:29:24,014
What was it? It just went by!

492
00:29:50,874 --> 00:29:52,666
I hear something.
Do you hear it?

493
00:29:52,667 --> 00:29:56,837
With our luck it's the killer
bees from Brazil.

494
00:30:10,685 --> 00:30:12,270
What the--?

495
00:30:14,648 --> 00:30:16,775
What the hell was that?

496
00:30:16,983 --> 00:30:20,903
They purposely did it.
They hate New Yorkers.

497
00:30:20,904 --> 00:30:23,322
Oh, my God!

498
00:30:23,323 --> 00:30:24,782
Who's gonna pick us up now?

499
00:30:24,783 --> 00:30:28,369
We look like a couple
of Pillsbury Doughboys.

500
00:30:28,370 --> 00:30:29,037
Well...

501
00:30:29,038 --> 00:30:33,375
let's get out of the sun
before we start to rise.

502
00:30:34,793 --> 00:30:35,961
Oh, boy.

503
00:31:01,194 --> 00:31:04,738
- What's so funny?
- I was just thinking...

504
00:31:04,739 --> 00:31:05,365
If we ever get there,

505
00:31:05,366 --> 00:31:08,785
we can be the two figures
on the wedding cake.

506
00:31:09,661 --> 00:31:11,371
- Hilarious.
- Yeah.

507
00:31:12,205 --> 00:31:15,958
- Hey! Hey, hey!
- Hey! Get...

508
00:31:15,959 --> 00:31:17,919
Stop! Stop.

509
00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:20,754
Hey <i>amigos,</i> where are you going

510
00:31:20,755 --> 00:31:23,298
- San Redondo.
- San Yolando.

511
00:31:23,299 --> 00:31:23,883
Where?

512
00:31:23,884 --> 00:31:28,095
San Tamale. San Taco Bell.
We'll go anyplace.

513
00:31:28,096 --> 00:31:32,392
- Hop in.
- Thank you very much.

514
00:31:32,726 --> 00:31:33,826
Go ahead.

515
00:31:35,895 --> 00:31:38,772
What are you doing out here
with no car?

516
00:31:38,773 --> 00:31:40,441
It's a long story.

517
00:31:40,442 --> 00:31:44,194
We're going to a wedding.
My daughter and his son.

518
00:31:45,363 --> 00:31:50,909
- Then you must be good friends.
- Oh! Hey! The best.

519
00:31:50,910 --> 00:31:54,747
We need to find a telephone.
Can you do that for us?

520
00:31:56,082 --> 00:31:58,917
No problem.
Gas station two miles from here.

521
00:31:58,918 --> 00:32:00,878
- I'll take you there.
- Oh, <i>gracias.</i>

522
00:32:00,879 --> 00:32:03,881
That's very nice of you.
We'll be glad to pay you for it.

523
00:32:03,882 --> 00:32:04,299
No. No, no, no.

524
00:32:04,300 --> 00:32:07,092
You are <i>compadres,</i>
you are poor people like me.

525
00:32:07,093 --> 00:32:10,220
This is my wedding gift
for your children.

526
00:32:10,221 --> 00:32:11,805
Oh, you hear that, Os?

527
00:32:11,806 --> 00:32:13,348
A wedding gift for our children.

528
00:32:13,349 --> 00:32:16,061
It's more than I'm gonna
give them.

529
00:32:31,201 --> 00:32:32,826
Gee, I hope nothing is wrong.

530
00:32:32,827 --> 00:32:35,830
I'd hate to break
our lucky streak.

531
00:32:36,414 --> 00:32:37,873
<i>Compadres,</i> very bad news.

532
00:32:37,874 --> 00:32:41,376
These men, my cousins,
they say <i>mi mamá,</i> very sick.

533
00:32:41,377 --> 00:32:45,756
I have to go to her very <i>pronto.</i>
It's back where we come from.

534
00:32:45,757 --> 00:32:46,924
- Back there?
- I go with them.

535
00:32:46,925 --> 00:32:50,928
They drive very fast. You take
my truck to gas station, please.

536
00:32:50,929 --> 00:32:53,388
Leave it there for me.
Rico, that's my name.

537
00:32:53,389 --> 00:32:55,849
- They know me there.
- Are you sure, Rico?

538
00:32:55,850 --> 00:32:57,309
We'll be very careful with it.

539
00:32:57,310 --> 00:33:00,187
I know, I trust you.
Look!

540
00:33:00,188 --> 00:33:02,523
If you get hungry, eat peaches.

541
00:33:05,443 --> 00:33:07,861
I did pretty good, <i>comprende?</i>

542
00:33:07,862 --> 00:33:09,780
And this time,
I'm gonna drive, <i>amigo.</i>

543
00:33:09,781 --> 00:33:14,994
Which is what I should have done
in the first place, <i>muchacho.</i>

544
00:33:34,264 --> 00:33:35,306
Why don't you use a handkerchief

545
00:33:35,307 --> 00:33:37,391
so you don't get
peach juice all over me, huh?

546
00:33:37,392 --> 00:33:42,230
You think we're pulling in to
the Pebble Beach Country Club?

547
00:33:57,495 --> 00:34:01,456
Come on, baby, don't
give now. We're almost home.

548
00:34:01,457 --> 00:34:03,584
It's not gonna make it.
It's not in the cards.

549
00:34:03,585 --> 00:34:07,254
We're riding a dead horse,
we're coming in for the funeral.

550
00:34:07,255 --> 00:34:09,590
Stop being such
a goddamn pessimist.

551
00:34:09,591 --> 00:34:13,427
- I bet you we make this hill.
- How much?

552
00:34:13,428 --> 00:34:18,849
Come on. Almost.
Yes! I knew it! I knew it!

553
00:34:18,850 --> 00:34:23,229
Never count me out
till the fat lady divorces me.

554
00:34:24,397 --> 00:34:25,939
What the hell is that?

555
00:34:25,940 --> 00:34:29,861
I don't know, maybe they
want some free peaches.

556
00:34:30,445 --> 00:34:33,156
All right. Stop the truck!

557
00:34:38,578 --> 00:34:39,912
Are they talking to us?

558
00:34:39,913 --> 00:34:42,623
That's a lot of cops
to give one ticket.

559
00:34:42,624 --> 00:34:46,126
Step out of the vehicle! Now!

560
00:34:49,923 --> 00:34:51,131
Put your hands
where we can see them.

561
00:34:51,132 --> 00:34:55,178
Officers, I think there is some
kind of mistake here.

562
00:34:55,637 --> 00:34:57,262
We didn't steal the truck,

563
00:34:57,263 --> 00:35:00,307
and we didn't pick
any peaches. I swear.

564
00:35:00,308 --> 00:35:01,934
I said on the ground, now!

565
00:35:01,935 --> 00:35:05,230
- Both sides. Go!
- All right, cuff them.

566
00:35:07,065 --> 00:35:09,441
You don't think this
has anything to do with me

567
00:35:09,442 --> 00:35:12,110
offering that kid money
in the bathroom, do you?

568
00:35:12,111 --> 00:35:13,654
You're under arrest
for violation

569
00:35:13,655 --> 00:35:16,281
of California Immigration
Law 1407:

570
00:35:16,282 --> 00:35:18,325
Transportation
of illegal aliens.

571
00:35:18,326 --> 00:35:20,118
You have the right
to remain silent.

572
00:35:20,119 --> 00:35:23,039
You two jokers, step forward.

573
00:35:23,581 --> 00:35:25,041
Let's go.

574
00:35:28,419 --> 00:35:30,545
What's so amusing now?

575
00:35:30,546 --> 00:35:31,631
Nothing. I was just thinking

576
00:35:31,632 --> 00:35:34,174
of how we're going to tell
Hannah and Brucey

577
00:35:34,175 --> 00:35:36,677
why we are 40 years late
for their wedding.

578
00:35:36,678 --> 00:35:39,096
You stop worrying,
we'll get out of this.

579
00:35:39,097 --> 00:35:43,433
Not without a lawyer, we won't.
Have you got a lawyer?

580
00:35:43,434 --> 00:35:45,978
Yeah, in Florida. He's 92.

581
00:35:45,979 --> 00:35:49,273
It takes him six hours
to walk to the telephone.

582
00:35:49,274 --> 00:35:50,691
The case will be over.

583
00:35:50,692 --> 00:35:53,236
We'll just tell them the truth.

584
00:35:54,946 --> 00:35:56,697
Hey! There's our guy!

585
00:35:59,117 --> 00:36:02,703
How is your
dying mama, <i>compadre?</i>

586
00:36:02,704 --> 00:36:03,579
<i>Mucho</i> better, <i>gracias.</i>

587
00:36:03,580 --> 00:36:05,372
Good. I'll send her
a crate of peaches.

588
00:36:05,373 --> 00:36:09,126
Are you going to tell them
the truth or not, <i>amigo?</i>

589
00:36:09,127 --> 00:36:09,711
I told them the truth.

590
00:36:09,712 --> 00:36:13,714
I said you picked me up
on the road, you gave me a ride,

591
00:36:13,715 --> 00:36:17,217
then I saw my friends,
and they took me home.

592
00:36:17,218 --> 00:36:19,011
And that's the truth, no?

593
00:36:19,012 --> 00:36:21,305
He's got a better story
than ours.

594
00:36:21,306 --> 00:36:22,140
I think we're in trouble.

595
00:36:22,141 --> 00:36:25,642
- Oscar Madison. Felix Ungar.
- Yeah, here. Here we are.

596
00:36:25,643 --> 00:36:27,060
We're present. Right here.

597
00:36:27,061 --> 00:36:30,188
- Let's go.
- I told you, didn't I?

598
00:36:30,189 --> 00:36:32,566
If we go down,
you go down with us!

599
00:36:32,567 --> 00:36:35,068
What are you,
Dirty Harry or something?

600
00:36:35,069 --> 00:36:37,238
You watch too much television.

601
00:36:38,031 --> 00:36:38,698
Okay.

602
00:36:38,699 --> 00:36:40,240
So now, tell me one more time

603
00:36:40,241 --> 00:36:43,285
how the rented car
caught fire and exploded.

604
00:36:43,286 --> 00:36:47,247
He called me a shithead
and punched the car.

605
00:36:47,248 --> 00:36:49,458
It went rolling down the hill.

606
00:36:49,459 --> 00:36:50,293
Why did you punch the car?

607
00:36:50,294 --> 00:36:53,420
Because the shithead threw
the directions to the wedding

608
00:36:53,421 --> 00:36:55,380
out the window
and left my suitcase

609
00:36:55,381 --> 00:36:56,424
at the Rent A Car agency.

610
00:36:56,425 --> 00:36:58,759
Why did you throw the directions
out the window?

611
00:36:58,760 --> 00:37:02,596
Because they caught fire
from my cigar ashes

612
00:37:02,597 --> 00:37:04,097
and were burning on my crotch!

613
00:37:04,098 --> 00:37:06,391
The first time he's been hot
down there for years.

614
00:37:06,392 --> 00:37:09,770
I just wanted to remind you
of how it felt down there.

615
00:37:09,771 --> 00:37:13,566
Okay, boys. Calm down.

616
00:37:14,317 --> 00:37:16,610
You two don't
get along too well, do you?

617
00:37:16,611 --> 00:37:17,320
Oh, that's not true.

618
00:37:17,321 --> 00:37:20,655
There was a period of 17 years
that was wonderful.

619
00:37:20,656 --> 00:37:23,450
Then, unfortunately,
we saw each other again.

620
00:37:23,451 --> 00:37:26,037
And who did you say
was getting married?

621
00:37:26,704 --> 00:37:28,830
My daughter and his son.

622
00:37:39,133 --> 00:37:39,467
Well...

623
00:37:39,468 --> 00:37:41,259
these other officers and myself

624
00:37:41,260 --> 00:37:44,096
all agree that if you two
can't find your way

625
00:37:44,097 --> 00:37:47,140
to your own children's wedding,
there isn't a chance in hell

626
00:37:47,141 --> 00:37:49,810
you could smuggle 20 illegal
aliens across the border.

627
00:37:49,811 --> 00:37:53,480
Besides, we got a confession
from the truck driver.

628
00:37:53,481 --> 00:37:54,357
You are free to go.

629
00:37:54,358 --> 00:37:57,651
Oh, thank you.
We appreciate it, officer.

630
00:37:57,652 --> 00:37:59,069
Come on, let's go, Oscar.

631
00:37:59,070 --> 00:38:01,488
Wait a minute.
There's a matter of false arrest

632
00:38:01,489 --> 00:38:02,573
- here.
- Huh?

633
00:38:02,574 --> 00:38:05,200
I happen to have one
of the finest legal minds

634
00:38:05,201 --> 00:38:06,827
for an attorney
in the state of Florida.

635
00:38:06,828 --> 00:38:09,871
- Yeah. Get him out of here!
- Come on, Oscar. Let's go!

636
00:38:09,872 --> 00:38:12,791
- Come on.
- And he-- You may hear from him.

637
00:38:12,792 --> 00:38:14,292
- Yeah. Let's go, Oscar.
- All right, sir.

638
00:38:14,293 --> 00:38:16,670
We still don't know
how to get to the wedding.

639
00:38:16,671 --> 00:38:18,171
There's a girl outside
at the computer.

640
00:38:18,172 --> 00:38:20,340
Give her the family's name.
She'll run it down.

641
00:38:20,341 --> 00:38:23,552
Okay, thank you very much.
We appreciate that.

642
00:38:23,553 --> 00:38:24,761
Bye-bye.

643
00:38:24,762 --> 00:38:26,680
Like I don't have enough.

644
00:38:27,807 --> 00:38:30,183
<i>Hello. Felix?</i>

645
00:38:30,184 --> 00:38:32,477
Oh! We've been
worried about you.

646
00:38:32,478 --> 00:38:36,231
Well, unfortunately,
we took a wrong turn.

647
00:38:36,232 --> 00:38:37,108
Everywhere.

648
00:38:37,109 --> 00:38:40,653
What did you say the name
name of the town was again?

649
00:38:41,195 --> 00:38:42,571
San Malina.

650
00:38:42,572 --> 00:38:44,531
San Malina. That's right.

651
00:38:44,532 --> 00:38:47,117
That's what I kept
saying to Oscar.

652
00:38:47,118 --> 00:38:48,368
Where are you?

653
00:38:48,369 --> 00:38:50,370
In a little town called...

654
00:38:50,371 --> 00:38:54,332
- Santa Menendez.
- Santa Mene-- Santa Menendez.

655
00:38:54,333 --> 00:38:57,544
I don't know how far
it is from where you are.

656
00:38:57,545 --> 00:38:58,879
About five hours.

657
00:38:58,880 --> 00:39:00,881
Five hou-- Five hours?

658
00:39:00,882 --> 00:39:01,632
If you know the way.

659
00:39:01,633 --> 00:39:05,260
- Is there a hotel in this town?
- Right down the street.

660
00:39:05,261 --> 00:39:06,721
The Santa Florita.

661
00:39:08,556 --> 00:39:08,806
Felix!

662
00:39:08,807 --> 00:39:11,224
Our new underwear has arrived.

663
00:39:11,225 --> 00:39:13,436
- Oh, terrific.
- Catch!

664
00:39:13,728 --> 00:39:14,228
Oh, boy.

665
00:39:14,229 --> 00:39:17,273
Caught that
like a major leaguer.

666
00:39:17,440 --> 00:39:20,233
Look at these shorts.
I look like I could be

667
00:39:20,234 --> 00:39:23,237
a cocktail waitress
at a crap game.

668
00:39:23,404 --> 00:39:24,238
Yeah.

669
00:39:24,239 --> 00:39:26,823
Yeah. I think if you
wiggle your fanny right,

670
00:39:26,824 --> 00:39:29,368
you can make double sixes.

671
00:39:29,535 --> 00:39:31,536
Let's get something to drink.

672
00:39:49,472 --> 00:39:51,890
This doesn't look like
our kind of crowd.

673
00:39:51,891 --> 00:39:55,810
If anyone gets tough,
just show him your underwear.

674
00:39:56,354 --> 00:39:57,438
- What will it be, gents?
- Hi.

675
00:39:57,439 --> 00:40:00,774
I'll have a dry Martini
on the rocks, please.

676
00:40:00,775 --> 00:40:02,276
Martini?

677
00:40:03,402 --> 00:40:04,320
Yeah.

678
00:40:04,321 --> 00:40:08,783
- How about you?
- A double scotch for me, please.

679
00:40:13,538 --> 00:40:14,789
Evening.

680
00:40:16,332 --> 00:40:16,541
Hi.

681
00:40:16,542 --> 00:40:19,627
It's, huh, a beautiful weather,
isn't it?

682
00:40:20,753 --> 00:40:23,256
Just terrific, honey.

683
00:40:27,928 --> 00:40:31,846
If you are thinking what I think
you're thinking, forget it!

684
00:40:31,847 --> 00:40:34,849
- I'm not thinking, I'm talking.
- Don't.

685
00:40:34,850 --> 00:40:37,644
This is my friend, Felix
over here.

686
00:40:37,645 --> 00:40:39,646
They call me Oscar.

687
00:40:39,647 --> 00:40:42,482
Hi, Felix. Hi, Oscar.

688
00:40:42,483 --> 00:40:43,817
- Hi.
- I'm Thelma.

689
00:40:43,818 --> 00:40:46,778
Thelma?
You're not Louise, are you?

690
00:40:46,779 --> 00:40:51,324
Like I haven't been asked that
about a million times.

691
00:40:51,325 --> 00:40:53,451
I'm Holly.

692
00:40:53,452 --> 00:40:54,995
Holly?
That's a very nice name,

693
00:40:54,996 --> 00:40:57,289
especially around
Christmas time.

694
00:40:57,290 --> 00:40:58,957
He's cute.

695
00:40:58,958 --> 00:41:02,752
So what do you-- What do you...
Like, staying here at the hotel?

696
00:41:02,753 --> 00:41:03,754
We're just passing through.

697
00:41:03,755 --> 00:41:06,339
Passing through? So are we.
Where are you headed?

698
00:41:06,340 --> 00:41:09,342
Don't know yet.
Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas.

699
00:41:09,343 --> 00:41:12,722
Just lovers
of the open road, eh?

700
00:41:14,348 --> 00:41:16,516
We're saving our money
for Tahoe.

701
00:41:16,517 --> 00:41:17,726
We've got a van out back.

702
00:41:17,727 --> 00:41:22,607
That couldn't be comfortable
to sleep in, could it?

703
00:41:22,773 --> 00:41:25,358
Oscar, If I didn't know better,

704
00:41:25,359 --> 00:41:27,986
I'd say a nice old grandfather
like you

705
00:41:27,987 --> 00:41:30,655
was trying to hit on
a couple of ladies.

706
00:41:30,656 --> 00:41:32,365
I'm not as old as I look.

707
00:41:32,366 --> 00:41:35,702
I had this plastic surgery
done recently.

708
00:41:35,703 --> 00:41:38,331
The quack doctor botched it up.

709
00:41:40,374 --> 00:41:42,417
Your friend doesn't say much,
does he?

710
00:41:42,418 --> 00:41:44,836
He's the doctor
who botched it up.

711
00:41:48,299 --> 00:41:48,799
Are you okay, doc?

712
00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:51,718
I thing I put your mouth
in the wrong place.

713
00:41:55,389 --> 00:41:59,268
He's still upset because they
took his license away.

714
00:42:00,645 --> 00:42:03,605
We're closing the kitchen
in about half an hour,

715
00:42:03,606 --> 00:42:05,065
if you still wanna have dinner.

716
00:42:05,066 --> 00:42:08,526
Excuse me, ladies,
we haven't eaten all day.

717
00:42:08,527 --> 00:42:08,944
Oscar, come on,

718
00:42:08,945 --> 00:42:11,738
- doctor's orders.
- Where are your manners, Felix?

719
00:42:11,739 --> 00:42:14,324
Perhaps the ladies
would like to join us

720
00:42:14,325 --> 00:42:16,993
before they retire to their van?

721
00:42:16,994 --> 00:42:18,037
Yeah, sure. Okay.

722
00:42:18,038 --> 00:42:24,043
We'll meet you at the table.
After we've freshened up.

723
00:42:25,336 --> 00:42:27,420
Are you crazy?
Two middle-aged bikers.

724
00:42:27,421 --> 00:42:29,839
They're tougher than the guys
we just left in the jail.

725
00:42:29,840 --> 00:42:33,093
And have you ever stop to think
what we could get?

726
00:42:33,094 --> 00:42:36,012
"Lucky" is the only word
that comes to mind.

727
00:42:36,013 --> 00:42:37,972
Come on.
I'm not gonna let you do this.

728
00:42:37,973 --> 00:42:40,684
I know it's not gonna happen.

729
00:42:40,685 --> 00:42:43,853
They'd never even
come up to our room.

730
00:42:43,854 --> 00:42:45,105
And it would take two years

731
00:42:45,106 --> 00:42:47,774
for you and me
to climb into their van.

732
00:42:47,775 --> 00:42:49,109
And the last thing in the world

733
00:42:49,110 --> 00:42:51,611
I want them to see
is our underwear.

734
00:42:51,612 --> 00:42:53,823
What are you doing this for?

735
00:42:54,740 --> 00:42:55,116
To be wanted.

736
00:42:55,117 --> 00:42:58,785
To get close
to it happening one more time.

737
00:42:58,786 --> 00:43:01,454
The wick is almost out, Felix.

738
00:43:01,455 --> 00:43:04,457
All I want
is for the candle to glow

739
00:43:04,458 --> 00:43:05,917
rather than curse the darkness.

740
00:43:05,918 --> 00:43:10,588
It's not going out, Oscar.
Not yours, not mine.

741
00:43:10,589 --> 00:43:14,592
But I still have hope
that out there somewhere,

742
00:43:14,593 --> 00:43:17,721
we'll find the right
lamplighter.

743
00:43:17,722 --> 00:43:19,973
You know, we just used
so many metaphors,

744
00:43:19,974 --> 00:43:23,101
I forgot what the hell
we were talking about.

745
00:43:23,102 --> 00:43:25,395
- Good evening.
- Good evening.

746
00:43:25,396 --> 00:43:27,021
- Good evening, sir.
- Are you gentlemen here

747
00:43:27,022 --> 00:43:29,816
- for the seminar?
- What seminar would that be?

748
00:43:29,817 --> 00:43:33,153
"Life - Does It Really
Have To End?"

749
00:43:33,154 --> 00:43:36,614
Dr. John Boxer.
I'm 84 myself.

750
00:43:36,615 --> 00:43:39,659
Dr. Boxer sees no reason
why I shouldn't be around

751
00:43:39,660 --> 00:43:42,036
to celebrate the year 2020.

752
00:43:42,037 --> 00:43:45,165
Maybe longer.
The seminar ends tomorrow.

753
00:43:45,166 --> 00:43:47,667
But I have to get back
to my home in San Malina

754
00:43:47,668 --> 00:43:50,712
to celebrate my daughter's
sixty-third birthday.

755
00:43:50,713 --> 00:43:52,172
- Oh. Yeah.
- San Melina?

756
00:43:52,173 --> 00:43:53,840
- That's where we're going.
- Well.

757
00:43:53,841 --> 00:43:56,593
Fancy that! You gentlemen
need a lift?

758
00:43:56,594 --> 00:43:57,886
They tell us
it's a five-hour drive.

759
00:43:57,887 --> 00:44:01,598
You come with me, I'll have you
there in less than two hours.

760
00:44:01,599 --> 00:44:03,183
- Oh.
- We leave at 6:00 a.m.,

761
00:44:03,184 --> 00:44:05,101
- on the dot.
- Six in the morning?

762
00:44:05,102 --> 00:44:09,022
- That sounds great to me.
- That's a little early for me.

763
00:44:09,023 --> 00:44:11,024
You'll never live a long life
sleeping late.

764
00:44:11,025 --> 00:44:16,863
I may have some business tonight
with friends from Lake Tahoe.

765
00:44:16,864 --> 00:44:17,865
- Oh, please.
- Can you believe

766
00:44:17,866 --> 00:44:19,783
these creeps
closed the bar already.

767
00:44:19,784 --> 00:44:24,704
- But don't worry, honey.
- I stay open all night.

768
00:44:27,750 --> 00:44:32,629
I like a quiet man.
Talking always slows things up.

769
00:44:32,630 --> 00:44:34,006
Well, huh...

770
00:44:34,507 --> 00:44:36,883
perhaps I was wrong. Uh...

771
00:44:36,884 --> 00:44:41,931
uh, 6:00 am would be
rather early for men like you.

772
00:44:42,181 --> 00:44:43,098
It is.

773
00:44:43,099 --> 00:44:44,933
- Good night.
- Bye.

774
00:44:44,934 --> 00:44:46,226
- You go to Tahoe!
- Felix!

775
00:44:46,227 --> 00:44:47,769
- I'm going with him.
- Come on!

776
00:44:47,770 --> 00:44:49,979
- Wait a minute, Felix. Felix!
- Oscar...

777
00:44:49,980 --> 00:44:52,899
what are two wide awake girls
going to do

778
00:44:52,900 --> 00:44:54,859
with one hunky, funny guy?

779
00:44:54,860 --> 00:44:56,986
Why don't we all write
a suggestion

780
00:44:56,987 --> 00:44:58,696
on a piece of paper?

781
00:45:01,909 --> 00:45:04,828
I wish your cute boy scout
friend would come back.

782
00:45:04,829 --> 00:45:07,121
I'm just itching to dance, hon.

783
00:45:07,122 --> 00:45:08,998
I'll go get him.
Don't scratch yet.

784
00:45:08,999 --> 00:45:11,793
Thank you, sir. I'll see you
at six o'clock in the morning.

785
00:45:11,794 --> 00:45:14,087
- That's fine. Fine.
- Thanks again.

786
00:45:14,088 --> 00:45:15,630
I'm coming with you, I promise.

787
00:45:15,631 --> 00:45:18,591
Just do me one favor,
come inside and dance for me.

788
00:45:18,592 --> 00:45:20,176
Why would I want to dance
for you?

789
00:45:20,177 --> 00:45:23,638
Because I'm hunky,
the other one is itchy.

790
00:45:23,639 --> 00:45:25,807
- Oh, my God.
- Please. Just come in and dance,

791
00:45:25,808 --> 00:45:28,726
and you can call the shots
the rest of the way.

792
00:45:28,727 --> 00:45:31,689
- Yeah, uh...
- Please, Felix.

793
00:45:32,064 --> 00:45:33,164
Please.

794
00:45:42,783 --> 00:45:48,122
You're a very smooth dancer,
Oscar. What's your secret?

795
00:45:48,330 --> 00:45:50,583
Leather soles.

796
00:45:52,626 --> 00:45:54,670
Got anything closer?

797
00:45:55,129 --> 00:45:57,130
I went to high school
with a boy like you.

798
00:45:57,131 --> 00:45:59,842
- Who was he, the principal?
- Ha-ha!

799
00:46:00,926 --> 00:46:04,095
What are you,
divorced or single or what?

800
00:46:04,096 --> 00:46:06,974
Oh, something like that.

801
00:46:09,643 --> 00:46:13,229
You have very strong hands.
You work out?

802
00:46:13,230 --> 00:46:17,067
No, but my door at home
gets stuck a lot.

803
00:46:19,278 --> 00:46:19,820
Having fun?

804
00:46:19,821 --> 00:46:24,658
Oh, yeah. But I think
I'm stuck to your Velcro.

805
00:46:46,347 --> 00:46:47,722
Someone wants to know

806
00:46:47,723 --> 00:46:50,016
if there's a Thelma
and Holly here.

807
00:46:50,017 --> 00:46:53,686
- What does he sound like?
- Drunk and real mad.

808
00:46:53,687 --> 00:46:56,898
- Got to go, hon.
- Now? We just met.

809
00:46:56,899 --> 00:47:00,610
I know, but we'll always
have Santa Menendez.

810
00:47:00,611 --> 00:47:02,737
You've never met me,
you never saw me,

811
00:47:02,738 --> 00:47:04,823
you never danced with me.

812
00:47:08,869 --> 00:47:11,120
Okay. Are you satisfied?

813
00:47:11,121 --> 00:47:15,876
Satisfying is not how
I would describe it.

814
00:47:20,130 --> 00:47:22,173
Remember
what we agreed on earlier.

815
00:47:22,174 --> 00:47:24,884
- What?
- I call the shots now, right?

816
00:47:24,885 --> 00:47:27,888
- Oh, yeah, right.
- Ready for lights out?

817
00:47:28,222 --> 00:47:29,765
Yeah, ready.

818
00:47:37,314 --> 00:47:40,149
Oscar! Oscar!

819
00:47:40,150 --> 00:47:41,777
Where are we?

820
00:47:42,069 --> 00:47:43,778
- Where are we?
- Yeah.

821
00:47:43,779 --> 00:47:48,199
- We're in a hotel.
- I know, but where is the hotel?

822
00:47:48,200 --> 00:47:51,369
In California,
in one of them Santa-places.

823
00:47:51,370 --> 00:47:55,957
Oh, God, I woke up, I was lost.
And I-I got scared.

824
00:47:55,958 --> 00:47:57,959
Did you ever do that,
wake up and get scared?

825
00:47:57,960 --> 00:48:03,798
Yeah, when I wake up
and I see you staring at me.

826
00:48:03,799 --> 00:48:05,425
I'm glad you're here, Os.

827
00:48:05,426 --> 00:48:09,929
I don't mind being alone,
but not in strange places.

828
00:48:10,181 --> 00:48:11,931
I guess it's a part
of getting old.

829
00:48:11,932 --> 00:48:14,225
You want to know
how to not feel old?

830
00:48:14,226 --> 00:48:14,852
How?

831
00:48:14,853 --> 00:48:18,896
Hang around with people
who are older than you.

832
00:48:19,774 --> 00:48:22,066
- Thanks, Os.
- You're welcome.

833
00:48:22,067 --> 00:48:24,360
Get some sleep, will you, Felix?

834
00:48:24,361 --> 00:48:27,406
Everything is gonna be
all right.

835
00:48:36,958 --> 00:48:39,334
Hey! How about this!

836
00:48:41,045 --> 00:48:41,837
How about that!

837
00:48:41,838 --> 00:48:45,131
Probably gets two blocks
to the gallon.

838
00:48:45,132 --> 00:48:46,424
Hello, sir.

839
00:48:46,425 --> 00:48:48,801
Glad to see you both
could make it.

840
00:48:48,802 --> 00:48:50,220
Climb in, boys.

841
00:48:51,013 --> 00:48:54,891
Thank you very much.
You certainly are prompt, sir.

842
00:48:54,892 --> 00:48:56,976
There are only four of these
left in the country

843
00:48:56,977 --> 00:48:59,812
- and I own them all.
- Oh. You're a collector?

844
00:48:59,813 --> 00:49:02,148
No, I use the other three
for parts.

845
00:49:02,149 --> 00:49:04,901
- Hmm.
- Hang on to your hats, boys.

846
00:49:25,214 --> 00:49:27,924
Is this as fast as it goes?

847
00:49:27,925 --> 00:49:29,884
It takes a few minutes
to warm up

848
00:49:29,885 --> 00:49:32,888
and then we ride like the wind.

849
00:50:30,946 --> 00:50:32,196
It's been a half hour

850
00:50:32,197 --> 00:50:33,948
and the wind
is going faster than us.

851
00:50:33,949 --> 00:50:36,909
Actually,
we're doing 85 right now.

852
00:50:36,910 --> 00:50:39,954
No, that's your clock, sir.
It says 8:25.

853
00:50:39,955 --> 00:50:43,292
Don't mind that clock,
it always breaks down.

854
00:50:44,293 --> 00:50:47,378
Tell me. No offense,
but do you really think

855
00:50:47,379 --> 00:50:50,923
we can make San Malina
in two hours?

856
00:50:50,924 --> 00:50:53,384
- Who said that?
- You did last night.

857
00:50:53,385 --> 00:50:55,011
No, no, no.

858
00:50:55,012 --> 00:50:56,137
I think you misunderstood me.

859
00:50:56,138 --> 00:51:00,308
What I meant was I can make
this five-hour trip

860
00:51:00,309 --> 00:51:01,268
seem like two hours.

861
00:51:01,269 --> 00:51:05,563
Take in the scenery, relax,
enjoy being alive and well.

862
00:51:05,564 --> 00:51:10,235
Doing that, I actually made it
back once in an hour and 20.

863
00:51:17,451 --> 00:51:19,911
Excuse me,
the scent of the trees

864
00:51:19,912 --> 00:51:22,496
and flowers always
intoxicate me.

865
00:51:22,497 --> 00:51:23,332
If you're intoxicated,

866
00:51:23,333 --> 00:51:25,958
I'd be glad to be
the designated driver.

867
00:51:25,959 --> 00:51:28,253
Oh, no, no. No, I'm fine.

868
00:51:38,430 --> 00:51:40,223
Why are we stopping here?

869
00:51:41,142 --> 00:51:43,977
He-- Hello.
Are you all right?

870
00:51:45,354 --> 00:51:47,355
Jesus!

871
00:51:47,356 --> 00:51:49,065
I think he's asleep!

872
00:51:49,066 --> 00:51:50,316
Why? When was he awake?

873
00:51:50,317 --> 00:51:53,069
All right.
Move him aside, I'll drive.

874
00:51:53,070 --> 00:51:57,240
Oh-- What are you waiting for?
He'll wake up, and the snails

875
00:51:57,241 --> 00:51:59,659
- will start passing us.
- No, he won't wake up.

876
00:51:59,660 --> 00:52:03,371
- He's dead.
- Dead? How can you tell?

877
00:52:03,372 --> 00:52:06,082
No heartbeat and no pulse
means dead.

878
00:52:06,083 --> 00:52:07,167
I've seen that in the hospital.

879
00:52:07,168 --> 00:52:10,086
Seen what? All you did
was read books and tell jokes!

880
00:52:10,087 --> 00:52:13,256
What the hell do you
want me to do, an autopsy?

881
00:52:13,257 --> 00:52:16,134
I'm telling you,
the man is dead!

882
00:52:17,010 --> 00:52:18,135
At least he went quickly.

883
00:52:18,136 --> 00:52:21,014
You call 12 miles an hour
quickly?

884
00:52:22,933 --> 00:52:23,308
Oh, my God.

885
00:52:23,309 --> 00:52:26,979
Pull his head back in
before a bird sits on it.

886
00:52:30,232 --> 00:52:32,275
Oh! Jesus!

887
00:52:32,276 --> 00:52:33,235
I knew it!

888
00:52:33,236 --> 00:52:35,486
I strained my neck.
It always happens.

889
00:52:35,487 --> 00:52:39,407
Always? You mean whenever you
try to pull a dead body back in?

890
00:52:39,408 --> 00:52:42,952
Oscar, get out of the car
and push his head back in.

891
00:52:42,953 --> 00:52:45,497
I can't move.

892
00:52:57,093 --> 00:53:00,094
This guy is starting
to decompose already!

893
00:53:00,095 --> 00:53:02,054
His hairpiece blew off.
Go get it.

894
00:53:02,055 --> 00:53:05,308
Why? He's dead. Who does he
got to look good for?

895
00:53:05,309 --> 00:53:12,149
Out of respect! Maybe his family
never knew. Just go get it!

896
00:53:13,150 --> 00:53:15,110
Keep an eye on him.

897
00:53:21,116 --> 00:53:22,216
Felix!

898
00:53:22,410 --> 00:53:26,705
It's not a hair piece any more.
Now, it's a nest!

899
00:53:27,122 --> 00:53:29,041
Shoo him away!

900
00:53:51,605 --> 00:53:55,275
- Hey. Where did he go?
- He's on my lap.

901
00:53:56,693 --> 00:53:58,403
On your lap?

902
00:54:00,114 --> 00:54:02,573
That's not a good position
because it looks like...

903
00:54:02,574 --> 00:54:06,202
I know what it looks like.
Help me pull him up.

904
00:54:06,203 --> 00:54:08,662
All right. Easy, easy.

905
00:54:09,831 --> 00:54:11,040
What the hell was that?

906
00:54:11,041 --> 00:54:14,502
It sounded like a gunshot.
Maybe it's hunting season.

907
00:54:14,503 --> 00:54:17,713
What kind of animals
would they have around here?

908
00:54:17,714 --> 00:54:19,508
I don't know.

909
00:54:23,678 --> 00:54:26,639
Can you believe this!
Get out and get that!

910
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:29,558
Uh, you know,
in the last three minutes

911
00:54:29,559 --> 00:54:33,271
I've walked more
than we've driven today.

912
00:54:37,692 --> 00:54:41,570
- Are you crazy?
- I didn't do it, he did!

913
00:54:41,571 --> 00:54:44,116
Check his pulse again!

914
00:54:45,575 --> 00:54:48,077
- Here. You take it.
- I don't want it.

915
00:54:48,078 --> 00:54:51,123
- Put it on his head.
- Argh!

916
00:54:51,373 --> 00:54:52,249
What are you doing?

917
00:54:52,250 --> 00:54:54,375
I got to get his name
and address

918
00:54:54,376 --> 00:54:57,087
so I can tell his relatives.

919
00:54:59,756 --> 00:55:02,467
This should be very interesting.

920
00:55:04,344 --> 00:55:06,387
You can't stop
in the middle of the road.

921
00:55:06,388 --> 00:55:07,513
Pull the vehicle over, please.

922
00:55:07,514 --> 00:55:10,516
In order to do that,
we'd have to move the driver

923
00:55:10,517 --> 00:55:12,518
and as you can see, he's...

924
00:55:12,519 --> 00:55:14,646
- Is he sick?
- No.

925
00:55:16,189 --> 00:55:17,399
Is he drunk?

926
00:55:18,316 --> 00:55:20,694
No, try dead.

927
00:55:25,657 --> 00:55:28,284
- How did this happen?
- We don't know.

928
00:55:28,285 --> 00:55:30,744
We think that God
just came down and took him.

929
00:55:30,745 --> 00:55:34,791
I'm going to have to ask you two
to step out of the vehicle.

930
00:55:36,585 --> 00:55:40,546
So the man is dead
and you have his wallet

931
00:55:40,547 --> 00:55:46,218
riding in an antique car
worth over $150,000?

932
00:55:46,219 --> 00:55:47,803
How do you think this looks?

933
00:55:47,804 --> 00:55:49,221
To you it looks terrible,

934
00:55:49,222 --> 00:55:51,765
to my mother,
she wouldn't be that upset.

935
00:55:51,766 --> 00:55:53,851
We didn't kill him or rob him!

936
00:55:53,852 --> 00:55:56,896
You believed us before,
why don't you believe us now?

937
00:55:56,897 --> 00:56:01,400
Because I didn't expect you
to keep bouncing back in here

938
00:56:01,401 --> 00:56:03,278
like a beach ball!

939
00:56:03,820 --> 00:56:05,654
And why did you take his toupee?

940
00:56:05,655 --> 00:56:09,868
We didn't! A truck whizzed by
and blew it off!

941
00:56:10,285 --> 00:56:13,205
Yeah, I tried to get it back.

942
00:56:13,371 --> 00:56:14,456
A bird sat on it.

943
00:56:14,457 --> 00:56:17,917
I shooed him and he flew away
with the hairpiece.

944
00:56:17,918 --> 00:56:20,211
You shot him?
You had a gun?

945
00:56:20,212 --> 00:56:24,757
No. No, not shot him.
I shooed him! Shoo! Shoo!

946
00:56:24,758 --> 00:56:26,592
Then a hunter shot him,

947
00:56:26,593 --> 00:56:28,677
and the bird fell down
on the car,

948
00:56:28,678 --> 00:56:33,474
and the hairpiece fell
on the wind shield.

949
00:56:33,475 --> 00:56:34,725
I hope there's
not going to be a trial

950
00:56:34,726 --> 00:56:39,481
because I'd hate to repeat
that story in court.

951
00:56:44,361 --> 00:56:45,445
Okay.

952
00:56:45,446 --> 00:56:49,949
The examination reveals
he died of natural causes.

953
00:56:49,950 --> 00:56:53,911
His daughter just informed us
that he called last night

954
00:56:53,912 --> 00:56:56,330
and said he was going
to give a lift home

955
00:56:56,331 --> 00:57:00,669
to two nice young men
he met at the hotel.

956
00:57:01,546 --> 00:57:03,671
So, once again
you're out of here.

957
00:57:03,672 --> 00:57:05,589
But if I see you back here
under arrest,

958
00:57:05,590 --> 00:57:08,467
I will charge you both
with disturbing the law!

959
00:57:08,468 --> 00:57:10,469
You mean disturbing the peace,
don't you?

960
00:57:10,470 --> 00:57:12,805
No, it's only the law
you're disturbing.

961
00:57:12,806 --> 00:57:15,641
There is a bus that leaves here
in about 20 minutes.

962
00:57:15,642 --> 00:57:17,977
They make a quick stop
over in San Malina.

963
00:57:17,978 --> 00:57:22,731
Be on it, get off it and stay
out of my face. You got it?

964
00:57:22,732 --> 00:57:25,402
- Yes. Thank you very much.
- Good.

965
00:57:53,013 --> 00:57:57,308
I'm going to say something
that's going to surprise you.

966
00:57:57,309 --> 00:58:00,853
Why do you have to introduce
everything you say?

967
00:58:00,854 --> 00:58:03,397
It's either, "Oscar,
let me tell you something",

968
00:58:03,398 --> 00:58:06,650
or "You may not like this,
but I'll say it anyway."

969
00:58:06,651 --> 00:58:08,902
Why don't you just say it
and get it over with?

970
00:58:08,903 --> 00:58:10,529
Then I can get back
to my racing form

971
00:58:10,530 --> 00:58:14,450
and you can start thinking of
the next thing you're gonna say.

972
00:58:14,451 --> 00:58:15,701
What? What? What is it?

973
00:58:15,702 --> 00:58:18,704
I actually had a good time
on this trip.

974
00:58:18,705 --> 00:58:19,913
- You did?
- Yes.

975
00:58:19,914 --> 00:58:22,875
- As much as World War II?
- No, I mean it.

976
00:58:22,876 --> 00:58:27,504
Sure, it was dirty, scary,
ugly and expensive.

977
00:58:27,505 --> 00:58:31,800
But I've met a lot of people
I never would have met before.

978
00:58:31,801 --> 00:58:34,553
I got out of the house,
had an adventure.

979
00:58:34,554 --> 00:58:36,055
You know, there's more to life

980
00:58:36,056 --> 00:58:38,974
than a job, dinner alone
and a TV show.

981
00:58:38,975 --> 00:58:42,895
Do you know I feel younger now
than I have in years?

982
00:58:42,896 --> 00:58:44,897
Why didn't you say this
last night,

983
00:58:44,898 --> 00:58:47,317
when we could have used it?

984
00:59:06,628 --> 00:59:09,380
- Oscar!
- Felix!

985
00:59:09,381 --> 00:59:10,881
- Thelma?
- Hettie?

986
00:59:10,882 --> 00:59:11,383
Holly.

987
00:59:11,384 --> 00:59:15,010
Gee, it's nice
to see you girls again. Wow!

988
00:59:15,011 --> 00:59:16,929
You, uh...
What happened to your van?

989
00:59:16,930 --> 00:59:18,847
We had to dump it,
we were being chased.

990
00:59:18,848 --> 00:59:22,101
- By the police?
- Worse, our husbands.

991
00:59:22,102 --> 00:59:24,687
- Your husbands?
- We just walked.

992
00:59:24,688 --> 00:59:25,854
You never said you were married.

993
00:59:25,855 --> 00:59:28,440
We went to the bank,
we took half our money,

994
00:59:28,441 --> 00:59:29,775
and we just hit the road.

995
00:59:29,776 --> 00:59:32,903
Won't these guys be sore
when they catch up to you?

996
00:59:32,904 --> 00:59:36,031
Fit to kill!

997
00:59:36,032 --> 00:59:37,658
Especially since they found out

998
00:59:37,659 --> 00:59:39,993
we were at the hotel
with two men last night.

999
00:59:39,994 --> 00:59:44,624
- You were? Us? Us!
- Us. They mean us, schmuck.

1000
00:59:45,667 --> 00:59:47,919
What the--?

1001
00:59:56,636 --> 00:59:57,387
All, right, open up!

1002
00:59:57,388 --> 01:00:01,474
Damn! Wouldn't you know?
They tracked our perfume.

1003
01:00:01,766 --> 01:00:04,728
Stay put
and there'll be no trouble.

1004
01:00:05,437 --> 01:00:06,979
Sit tight, people.

1005
01:00:06,980 --> 01:00:08,564
- Oscar?
- Yeah?

1006
01:00:08,565 --> 01:00:10,859
I really have to pee.

1007
01:00:12,652 --> 01:00:13,027
Okay, Thelma.

1008
01:00:13,028 --> 01:00:16,155
The fun is over, baby.
Time to come home.

1009
01:00:16,156 --> 01:00:18,157
Home?
You mean that shack

1010
01:00:18,158 --> 01:00:21,828
with whiskey bottles
and bacon strips on the floor?

1011
01:00:22,662 --> 01:00:28,168
Remember, we don't know them,
we've never even seen them.

1012
01:00:30,712 --> 01:00:35,049
- What did you say?
- I honestly can't remember.

1013
01:00:40,430 --> 01:00:41,930
- That's them, isn't it?
- Mm-hmm.

1014
01:00:41,931 --> 01:00:44,057
The bartender at the hotel
described them.

1015
01:00:44,058 --> 01:00:46,811
Couple of Martini drinkers.

1016
01:00:46,978 --> 01:00:47,812
I know.

1017
01:00:47,813 --> 01:00:49,688
Come on, honey.

1018
01:00:49,689 --> 01:00:52,816
We don't want to disturb
the nice people on this bus.

1019
01:00:52,817 --> 01:00:53,693
That's okay.

1020
01:00:53,694 --> 01:00:55,652
I wasn't talking to you,
Martini.

1021
01:00:55,653 --> 01:01:00,533
Come on, baby. I've got cold
beer waiting for you in the car.

1022
01:01:03,495 --> 01:01:06,497
Well, come on, boys, let's go.
You don't wanna miss the party.

1023
01:01:06,498 --> 01:01:10,125
What...
We have to go to a wedding...

1024
01:01:10,126 --> 01:01:14,798
of our...
But thank you all the same.

1025
01:01:15,716 --> 01:01:19,468
You just don't get it, do you?
You are the party.

1026
01:01:34,901 --> 01:01:40,030
We just had an innocent drink
and innocent couple of dances.

1027
01:01:40,031 --> 01:01:44,243
- It was all very innocent.
- Get off the innocent thing.

1028
01:01:44,244 --> 01:01:44,994
- will you?
- I mean,

1029
01:01:44,995 --> 01:01:47,162
why would a couple
of beautiful girls like this

1030
01:01:47,163 --> 01:01:50,249
want to run off with a couple
of old geezers like us?

1031
01:01:50,250 --> 01:01:54,253
Well, when the goose wants it,
the geese come running.

1032
01:01:54,254 --> 01:01:57,799
We're geezers, not geese.

1033
01:01:59,050 --> 01:02:00,926
Hey, Leroy,
where do you want to stop?

1034
01:02:00,927 --> 01:02:05,013
Over this hill is a nice stretch
of woods. That will do fine.

1035
01:02:05,014 --> 01:02:07,058
Do fine for what?

1036
01:02:08,142 --> 01:02:10,895
Cook us up a couple
of fine geezers.

1037
01:02:12,021 --> 01:02:17,694
That's funny! I'm sorry,
but that struck me as funny.

1038
01:02:18,069 --> 01:02:21,155
Damn it to hell! Damn it!

1039
01:02:22,115 --> 01:02:25,994
Don't worry about them.
I know all of them personally.

1040
01:02:36,713 --> 01:02:39,215
Don't you even want
to talk about it?

1041
01:02:42,594 --> 01:02:43,694
No.

1042
01:02:45,138 --> 01:02:46,264
Ever?

1043
01:02:47,265 --> 01:02:48,224
What's the point?

1044
01:02:48,225 --> 01:02:52,060
No matter what I say
you two still end up in here.

1045
01:02:52,061 --> 01:02:54,730
Would it be possible
to find out the results

1046
01:02:54,731 --> 01:02:57,816
of the second race
at Santa Anita?

1047
01:02:57,817 --> 01:03:00,110
I got a trifecta going.

1048
01:03:00,111 --> 01:03:01,737
- A what?
- A trifecta!

1049
01:03:01,738 --> 01:03:04,031
That's when you
pick the three winning horses

1050
01:03:04,032 --> 01:03:06,576
in the exact order of finish.

1051
01:03:06,868 --> 01:03:08,744
We have a wedding
that we cannot get to

1052
01:03:08,745 --> 01:03:11,997
and all he's got in his mind
is a trifecta.

1053
01:03:11,998 --> 01:03:13,332
I'll tell you who won.

1054
01:03:13,333 --> 01:03:15,084
- You know?
- Yes.

1055
01:03:15,627 --> 01:03:19,755
I won. You are my trifecta.

1056
01:03:19,756 --> 01:03:22,841
The same two men
have been arrested three times

1057
01:03:22,842 --> 01:03:27,180
for three different crimes,
and all three times by my men!

1058
01:03:27,639 --> 01:03:28,348
You know what the odds are

1059
01:03:28,349 --> 01:03:31,767
of that happening at any
police station in the world?

1060
01:03:31,768 --> 01:03:35,146
I would say roughly 12 million
to one.

1061
01:03:35,605 --> 01:03:39,358
What would it be if it happened
in a small sheriff's office

1062
01:03:39,359 --> 01:03:44,029
in a little town called
Santa Menendez, California?

1063
01:03:44,030 --> 01:03:45,155
It would be in the trillions.

1064
01:03:45,156 --> 01:03:47,366
- No bookie would handle it.
- Don't!

1065
01:03:47,367 --> 01:03:50,369
Oscar, of all the differences
that we have had,

1066
01:03:50,370 --> 01:03:54,873
of all the fights we've had,
of all those petty arguments

1067
01:03:54,874 --> 01:03:56,375
- that we've ever had...
- We can continue talking

1068
01:03:56,376 --> 01:03:57,918
because he's gonna be on this
for half an hour.

1069
01:03:57,919 --> 01:04:02,381
Of all the times I've wanted
to choke you by the throat,

1070
01:04:02,382 --> 01:04:03,840
this is the worst!

1071
01:04:03,841 --> 01:04:06,259
If you say "trifecta"
one more time,

1072
01:04:06,260 --> 01:04:10,097
I'm going to choke you
until you are dead!

1073
01:04:10,098 --> 01:04:12,099
And then that man can arrest me

1074
01:04:12,100 --> 01:04:14,977
one more time
for one more crime,

1075
01:04:14,978 --> 01:04:16,979
one more time in his office.

1076
01:04:16,980 --> 01:04:19,898
And he's gonna
have a "fourfecta!"

1077
01:04:19,899 --> 01:04:23,652
So you shut the fuck up,
do you hear me?

1078
01:04:23,653 --> 01:04:25,821
I think you can get a fourfecta
in Cuba,

1079
01:04:25,822 --> 01:04:28,824
- but it's a cigar.
- All right, you...

1080
01:04:28,825 --> 01:04:32,035
Let go of him! Sit down!

1081
01:04:32,036 --> 01:04:35,205
- Let go!
- Sit down! Now!

1082
01:04:35,206 --> 01:04:37,000
Both of you!

1083
01:04:37,667 --> 01:04:39,751
Since the ladies
already gave me a statement

1084
01:04:39,752 --> 01:04:44,007
that you two had nothing to do
with the abduction...

1085
01:04:44,716 --> 01:04:46,717
I have no reason to hold you.

1086
01:04:46,718 --> 01:04:48,301
I'm running for sheriff
next year.

1087
01:04:48,302 --> 01:04:52,097
I can't run a campaign
of mostly arresting you two!

1088
01:04:52,098 --> 01:04:54,141
I wouldn't advice it, sir.

1089
01:04:54,142 --> 01:04:56,935
If I promise to get you
to San Malina

1090
01:04:56,936 --> 01:04:59,771
in time for the wedding,
I need a guarantee

1091
01:04:59,772 --> 01:05:04,693
you will never come
within 100 miles of this town.

1092
01:05:04,694 --> 01:05:05,944
No, 200. Make it 300.

1093
01:05:05,945 --> 01:05:10,782
Since this is the first time in
74 years that I have been here,

1094
01:05:10,783 --> 01:05:15,245
- the odds of me coming--
- Don't finish that sentence!

1095
01:05:15,246 --> 01:05:18,457
All right, let's go.

1096
01:05:18,458 --> 01:05:20,250
The wedding is at five o'clock.

1097
01:05:20,251 --> 01:05:22,169
How are we going to
get there in time?

1098
01:05:22,170 --> 01:05:24,337
Just leave that to me.

1099
01:05:24,338 --> 01:05:26,381
I wish you had subways
around here.

1100
01:05:26,382 --> 01:05:28,842
I never get lost in subways.

1101
01:05:28,843 --> 01:05:30,427
I won't do that again.

1102
01:05:30,428 --> 01:05:33,472
- I'll wait for you.
- I didn't know...

1103
01:05:33,473 --> 01:05:34,765
They made up?

1104
01:05:34,766 --> 01:05:37,017
Yeah. The boys
will spend a month in jail

1105
01:05:37,018 --> 01:05:38,977
for using firearms
on a public vehicle.

1106
01:05:38,978 --> 01:05:41,396
- They always get a month.
- What do you mean, "always"?

1107
01:05:41,397 --> 01:05:43,148
It's the fifth time
they have done this!

1108
01:05:43,149 --> 01:05:45,817
- The fifth time?
- It's a "fivefecta."

1109
01:05:45,818 --> 01:05:48,153
There is an airport
about five miles from here.

1110
01:05:48,154 --> 01:05:51,948
You can't land in San Malina,
but there's one in Rockport.

1111
01:05:51,949 --> 01:05:52,825
It's a 20 minute cab drive.

1112
01:05:52,826 --> 01:05:55,827
Oh, see, Rockport. Now, that's
a name I could've remembered.

1113
01:05:55,828 --> 01:05:57,412
The flight will take
about 40 minutes,

1114
01:05:57,413 --> 01:05:59,831
and we will have this car
drop you off at the airport.

1115
01:05:59,832 --> 01:06:03,877
A police car! Finally a ride
I can feel safe in.

1116
01:06:03,878 --> 01:06:06,254
I hope you won't be offended
by my saying.

1117
01:06:06,255 --> 01:06:08,757
I hope to God
I never see either of you again.

1118
01:06:08,758 --> 01:06:11,468
- Now, get out of here.
- If you'd like an endorsement

1119
01:06:11,469 --> 01:06:14,138
- for your campaign...
- No, thank you.

1120
01:06:16,099 --> 01:06:17,307
Andy, If those guys

1121
01:06:17,308 --> 01:06:21,104
commit a triple murder,
or rob a bank...

1122
01:06:22,772 --> 01:06:24,482
just let them go.

1123
01:06:28,069 --> 01:06:29,028
You know, Felix,

1124
01:06:29,029 --> 01:06:30,862
if some travel agent
booked this trip,

1125
01:06:30,863 --> 01:06:32,364
we could have sued them
for a fortune.

1126
01:06:32,365 --> 01:06:34,866
Hey, everything happens
for a reason, Oscar.

1127
01:06:34,867 --> 01:06:37,077
We're not going through all
of this for nothing.

1128
01:06:37,078 --> 01:06:40,914
I have a feeling there's
some divine pay off at the end.

1129
01:06:40,915 --> 01:06:43,500
Oh, yeah? You wanna buy my half?
I'll sell it real cheap.

1130
01:06:43,501 --> 01:06:48,922
Here we are, pal.
We're gonna actually make it.

1131
01:06:48,923 --> 01:06:50,049
Oscar?

1132
01:06:51,551 --> 01:06:53,094
Is that you?

1133
01:06:53,386 --> 01:06:55,178
- It is you!
- Who's that?

1134
01:06:55,179 --> 01:06:56,430
I don't know.

1135
01:06:57,306 --> 01:07:00,518
I'm Felice Adams,
Blanche's sister.

1136
01:07:00,893 --> 01:07:01,435
Felice?

1137
01:07:01,436 --> 01:07:06,106
Oh, God, I didn't recognize you.
You haven't changed in 30 years!

1138
01:07:06,107 --> 01:07:10,402
Thank you. I guess we're both
going to the wedding,

1139
01:07:10,403 --> 01:07:11,195
- aren't we?
- Yeah.

1140
01:07:11,196 --> 01:07:13,905
Are you here with your husband?
What's his name?

1141
01:07:13,906 --> 01:07:14,574
- Larry?
- No. Barry.

1142
01:07:14,575 --> 01:07:17,200
No, no. Barry passed away
four years ago.

1143
01:07:17,201 --> 01:07:19,161
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

1144
01:07:19,162 --> 01:07:21,621
You had two little daughters,
didn't you?

1145
01:07:21,622 --> 01:07:23,582
Now, two little granddaughters.

1146
01:07:23,583 --> 01:07:25,292
Isn't that something.

1147
01:07:25,293 --> 01:07:29,087
What? Oh!
This is my friend, Felix Ungar.

1148
01:07:29,088 --> 01:07:32,132
This is Felice,
sister of my ex-wife.

1149
01:07:32,133 --> 01:07:33,258
Yes. How do you do?

1150
01:07:33,259 --> 01:07:34,926
- Felix Ungar?
- Yeah.

1151
01:07:34,927 --> 01:07:37,596
I remember Blanche
talking about you a lot.

1152
01:07:37,597 --> 01:07:40,557
Oh, well,
I've changed since then.

1153
01:07:40,558 --> 01:07:42,101
Haven't we all.

1154
01:07:43,227 --> 01:07:45,437
They are boarding.

1155
01:07:45,438 --> 01:07:47,480
I'll see you on the plane.

1156
01:07:52,028 --> 01:07:52,486
Oscar,

1157
01:07:52,487 --> 01:07:55,364
- we have to talk.
- About what?

1158
01:07:56,282 --> 01:07:58,242
On the plane.

1159
01:08:05,291 --> 01:08:09,920
- Have a good flight.
- Thank you, you too.

1160
01:08:09,921 --> 01:08:11,422
Thank you.

1161
01:08:12,590 --> 01:08:15,383
Okay.
You want to talk, talk.

1162
01:08:15,384 --> 01:08:17,594
Wait till the seat belt sign
is off.

1163
01:08:17,595 --> 01:08:19,930
You can't talk
with your seat belt on?

1164
01:08:19,931 --> 01:08:21,431
What's that, a new federal law?

1165
01:08:21,432 --> 01:08:24,142
When it's on, it can get bumpy.

1166
01:08:24,143 --> 01:08:28,356
I don't want anything
interrupting what I'll say.

1167
01:08:41,411 --> 01:08:44,162
Okay, it's safe, we're bumpless.
What have you got to say?

1168
01:08:44,163 --> 01:08:46,915
- That's her. That's the woman.
- What woman?

1169
01:08:46,916 --> 01:08:49,501
The "somewhere,
some place in this world,

1170
01:08:49,502 --> 01:08:52,003
there is the right woman
for me" woman.

1171
01:08:52,004 --> 01:08:55,883
- Felice?
- Mm-hmm. Even the name is right.

1172
01:08:56,050 --> 01:08:56,634
Felice-Felix.

1173
01:08:56,635 --> 01:08:58,426
The first three letters
are identical.

1174
01:08:58,427 --> 01:09:01,054
We're matched.
I mean, it's like an omen.

1175
01:09:01,055 --> 01:09:04,182
I'm telling you, Oscar,
this is the one.

1176
01:09:04,183 --> 01:09:08,353
It's wonderful. Who's gonna
tell her you're the one?

1177
01:09:08,354 --> 01:09:09,479
Me. I'll tell her.

1178
01:09:09,480 --> 01:09:13,692
With the "somewhere, some place
in this world" speech?

1179
01:09:13,693 --> 01:09:15,235
Give me some credit, will you?

1180
01:09:15,236 --> 01:09:17,946
I've done this 10 or 12 times
already, you know.

1181
01:09:17,947 --> 01:09:20,031
You just need to help me
to figure out a reason

1182
01:09:20,032 --> 01:09:22,367
why I should get up
and go sit next to her.

1183
01:09:22,368 --> 01:09:27,205
How about... I don't know.
How about your seat is broken?

1184
01:09:27,206 --> 01:09:30,375
No 'cause I'm a bad liar.
She'll know I'm lying.

1185
01:09:30,376 --> 01:09:33,420
- How about if I break your seat?
- Oh, wait, no.

1186
01:09:33,421 --> 01:09:35,463
Forget it. Wish me luck.

1187
01:09:35,464 --> 01:09:38,384
Are you going to tell me
what the plan is?

1188
01:09:38,634 --> 01:09:43,097
Just watch me, baby.
Excuse me, move your legs.

1189
01:09:46,058 --> 01:09:50,479
- Good day for flying, isn't it?
- Yes, perfect weather.

1190
01:09:54,734 --> 01:09:56,319
Exactly.

1191
01:09:58,195 --> 01:09:59,363
Yeah.

1192
01:10:04,076 --> 01:10:05,536
Some plan.

1193
01:10:12,668 --> 01:10:16,671
If you, you chicken-hearted,
gutless wimp,

1194
01:10:16,672 --> 01:10:20,550
if you don't go back
and sit next to that woman,

1195
01:10:20,551 --> 01:10:23,179
you and I are through!

1196
01:10:23,471 --> 01:10:25,097
Do you hear?

1197
01:11:01,092 --> 01:11:07,305
Had a nice chat, old buddy,
pal, dear close friend of mine?

1198
01:11:07,306 --> 01:11:09,599
Will you relax.
I just set it all up for you.

1199
01:11:09,600 --> 01:11:12,727
- Go on back there and sit down.
- What did you say to her?

1200
01:11:12,728 --> 01:11:15,355
I told her
you were writing an article

1201
01:11:15,356 --> 01:11:17,148
for <i>The New York Times</i>

1202
01:11:17,149 --> 01:11:19,818
about widowed women
and womanless men,

1203
01:11:19,819 --> 01:11:23,154
and that you would like
to ask her a few questions.

1204
01:11:23,155 --> 01:11:26,408
- She said, "Absolutely!"
- Why did you tell her that for?

1205
01:11:26,409 --> 01:11:28,827
'Cause it's better than you
going in to the john

1206
01:11:28,828 --> 01:11:31,622
and banging on the walls again.

1207
01:11:31,872 --> 01:11:32,581
Are you going,

1208
01:11:32,582 --> 01:11:34,582
or do I have to get
a food trolley

1209
01:11:34,583 --> 01:11:36,543
and wheel you over there?

1210
01:11:36,544 --> 01:11:39,338
- I'm going. I'm going.
- Good.

1211
01:11:44,718 --> 01:11:46,803
- May I?
- Please do.

1212
01:11:46,804 --> 01:11:48,514
Oh, thank you.

1213
01:11:51,600 --> 01:11:56,479
Uh, first I must explain
about this article I'm writing.

1214
01:11:56,480 --> 01:11:58,315
What article?

1215
01:11:58,524 --> 01:12:00,400
The one Oscar told you
I was writing

1216
01:12:00,401 --> 01:12:04,530
- for <i>The New York Times.</i>
- He never told me that.

1217
01:12:04,697 --> 01:12:06,407
He never tol...

1218
01:12:08,159 --> 01:12:10,202
What was he saying to you?

1219
01:12:10,870 --> 01:12:11,745
That you wanted to meet me

1220
01:12:11,746 --> 01:12:15,248
and couldn't think of a reason
to sit down next to me.

1221
01:12:15,249 --> 01:12:15,624
Oh, my...

1222
01:12:15,625 --> 01:12:20,295
I said, "Tell him to come over,
I'd like to meet him as well."

1223
01:12:20,296 --> 01:12:22,381
Oh. All right.

1224
01:12:28,345 --> 01:12:29,846
<i>Ladies and gentlemen,
we should be arriving</i>

1225
01:12:29,847 --> 01:12:35,561
<i>at Rockport's Barbra Streisand
Airport in about 20 minutes.</i>

1226
01:12:43,152 --> 01:12:46,488
How long has your late husband
been deceased?

1227
01:12:46,489 --> 01:12:47,739
Almost four years now.

1228
01:12:47,740 --> 01:12:52,243
He was playing tennis.
had a heart attack and was gone.

1229
01:12:52,244 --> 01:12:54,829
My last wife
went very quickly, too.

1230
01:12:54,830 --> 01:12:57,290
We seem to have a lot in common,
don't we, Felix?

1231
01:12:57,291 --> 01:12:59,918
I just realized, we practically
have the same name.

1232
01:12:59,919 --> 01:13:03,838
Felix-Felice, same first
three letters.

1233
01:13:03,839 --> 01:13:04,924
- Did that occur to you?
- No.

1234
01:13:04,925 --> 01:13:07,258
But now that you mention it.

1235
01:13:07,259 --> 01:13:10,762
And the both of you
don't wear glasses.

1236
01:13:10,763 --> 01:13:12,556
That's uncanny.

1237
01:13:15,601 --> 01:13:17,936
Ah, here we are.
We are here.

1238
01:13:17,937 --> 01:13:24,193
I swear to you, this is it.
What a place!

1239
01:13:28,614 --> 01:13:30,865
- How far can he go?
- Oh! Oh, Oscar,

1240
01:13:30,866 --> 01:13:32,951
thank God you're here!

1241
01:13:32,952 --> 01:13:35,995
- Oh, what a mess.
- What is it, what's wrong?

1242
01:13:35,996 --> 01:13:39,791
I can't say it.
Blanche, you tell him.

1243
01:13:39,792 --> 01:13:42,503
It's Brucey. He's gone!

1244
01:13:42,795 --> 01:13:43,920
Gone. Gone where?

1245
01:13:43,921 --> 01:13:45,338
- He disappeared!
- We can't find him.

1246
01:13:45,339 --> 01:13:46,839
- He wasn't in his room.
- We looked everywhere.

1247
01:13:46,840 --> 01:13:49,467
- We even called the police.
- All right, all right.

1248
01:13:49,468 --> 01:13:50,635
Calm down, don't cry.

1249
01:13:50,636 --> 01:13:52,845
It's bad luck
to cry before a wedding.

1250
01:13:52,846 --> 01:13:54,305
No, it's only bad luck

1251
01:13:54,306 --> 01:13:55,890
if the groom isn't here
before the wedding.

1252
01:13:55,891 --> 01:13:59,561
- Didn't he leave a message?
- Nothing, not a clue!

1253
01:13:59,562 --> 01:14:03,565
He'll show up.
My kid never ducked anything.

1254
01:14:03,566 --> 01:14:04,691
See?

1255
01:14:04,692 --> 01:14:06,943
How is Hannah?
Can I see my daughter, please?

1256
01:14:06,944 --> 01:14:09,988
She's upstairs getting dressed.
I haven't told her yet.

1257
01:14:09,989 --> 01:14:11,823
What do you mean
"you haven't told her yet"?

1258
01:14:11,824 --> 01:14:13,700
Why the hell not?
What are you waiting for,

1259
01:14:13,701 --> 01:14:16,536
the fifth anniversary
of her being alone?

1260
01:14:16,537 --> 01:14:17,037
Don't yell at me!

1261
01:14:17,038 --> 01:14:19,706
I'm not yelling at you,
I'm yelling at the situation!

1262
01:14:19,707 --> 01:14:20,915
- God, you haven't changed
- Ahem.

1263
01:14:20,916 --> 01:14:23,501
- in 30 years, have you?!
- I don't believe this woman!

1264
01:14:23,502 --> 01:14:26,421
I haven't seen her
for a half century, 50 years

1265
01:14:26,422 --> 01:14:29,841
and she's still trying to finish
the last fight that we had!

1266
01:14:29,842 --> 01:14:34,637
All right! Everybody, please
stop behaving like children!

1267
01:14:35,473 --> 01:14:39,267
We tried to put this wedding
together in three days

1268
01:14:39,268 --> 01:14:43,855
while you take a casual
joyride in getting here!

1269
01:14:43,856 --> 01:14:45,315
- "Casual"?
- "Casual joyride"?

1270
01:14:45,316 --> 01:14:47,692
Oh, it's always
the woman's fault, right? Right?

1271
01:14:47,693 --> 01:14:51,487
Blanche, will you please stop
pointing your finger at me

1272
01:14:51,488 --> 01:14:51,864
and yelling!

1273
01:14:51,865 --> 01:14:54,490
You got two other husbands here
to do that with.

1274
01:14:54,491 --> 01:14:57,827
Come on, Felix. I want
to talk to you about something.

1275
01:14:57,828 --> 01:15:00,372
Oh, Frances!

1276
01:15:00,914 --> 01:15:06,003
How about that Frances?
I'd love to divorce her again!

1277
01:15:06,378 --> 01:15:08,463
What do you think
happened to Brucey?

1278
01:15:08,464 --> 01:15:08,881
I don't know.

1279
01:15:08,882 --> 01:15:10,548
What would you call me
out here for?

1280
01:15:10,549 --> 01:15:11,883
I thought maybe you
have an idea.

1281
01:15:11,884 --> 01:15:15,511
If I did, I'd have
called you out. What do we do?

1282
01:15:15,512 --> 01:15:16,763
Well, we wait and see.

1283
01:15:16,764 --> 01:15:19,641
Worst comes to worst,
we postpone the wedding.

1284
01:15:19,642 --> 01:15:20,643
What do you-- Postpone?

1285
01:15:20,644 --> 01:15:22,560
I'm not going to have my
daughter humiliated

1286
01:15:22,561 --> 01:15:24,729
in front of the world
because of your ditzy son!

1287
01:15:24,730 --> 01:15:27,732
Hey, watch what you say
about my son.

1288
01:15:27,733 --> 01:15:30,568
Maybe your Hannah
is the wacky one.

1289
01:15:30,569 --> 01:15:33,529
Hannah, wacky?
My Hannah, wacky?

1290
01:15:33,530 --> 01:15:37,575
Stop repeating that,
it sounds like a Hawaiian hotel.

1291
01:15:37,576 --> 01:15:39,869
One of them caused this.
I don't know which one.

1292
01:15:39,870 --> 01:15:42,455
And I'm saying that
if he breaks her heart,

1293
01:15:42,456 --> 01:15:45,416
that boy will have
to deal with me!

1294
01:15:45,417 --> 01:15:48,753
Are you threatening to get
physical with my son?

1295
01:15:48,754 --> 01:15:51,631
If that's what it takes, yes!

1296
01:15:51,632 --> 01:15:53,633
Get your nose off my nose

1297
01:15:53,634 --> 01:15:56,678
before I sneeze your brains
into a tiny Kleenex!

1298
01:15:56,679 --> 01:16:00,974
- That's it, Oscar! That's it!
- They found him!

1299
01:16:01,725 --> 01:16:03,059
They found him!

1300
01:16:03,060 --> 01:16:04,894
- They found him, Oscar!
- They found him!

1301
01:16:04,895 --> 01:16:07,438
- A police chopper spotted him.
- Where? Where?

1302
01:16:07,439 --> 01:16:10,442
- I... Uh, uh...
- Where, for God's sakes?

1303
01:16:10,609 --> 01:16:12,568
<i>Do you need assistance?</i>

1304
01:16:18,826 --> 01:16:20,785
That one,
at the end of the hall.

1305
01:16:20,786 --> 01:16:22,788
He's not going anywhere.

1306
01:16:23,080 --> 01:16:27,125
All right! Everybody,
please, please back off!

1307
01:16:27,126 --> 01:16:29,127
He's not on the roof
because he's anxious

1308
01:16:29,128 --> 01:16:31,713
to speak to everyone.
I'll go alone.

1309
01:16:31,714 --> 01:16:33,756
How will we know
what's going on?

1310
01:16:33,757 --> 01:16:35,926
I'll tell him to talk loud.

1311
01:16:43,100 --> 01:16:45,811
Oh, Brucey, hi!

1312
01:16:46,645 --> 01:16:48,480
Beautiful day, isn't it?

1313
01:16:49,106 --> 01:16:50,733
Hiya, Pop.

1314
01:16:51,984 --> 01:16:53,484
I hope you don't think
I'm meddling,

1315
01:16:53,485 --> 01:16:57,072
but were you planning on coming
to the wedding today?

1316
01:16:58,157 --> 01:17:00,992
- I was thinking about it.
- You're nervous, huh?

1317
01:17:00,993 --> 01:17:03,453
I was thinking
I'd be making a big mistake.

1318
01:17:03,454 --> 01:17:05,037
Oh, yeah? Why is that?

1319
01:17:05,038 --> 01:17:06,497
I don't trust marriage.

1320
01:17:06,498 --> 01:17:08,666
If you look at everyone here.

1321
01:17:08,667 --> 01:17:09,668
I mean, look at my own family.

1322
01:17:09,669 --> 01:17:14,005
Mom was married three times.
You were married one time,

1323
01:17:14,006 --> 01:17:15,965
and then never again
for 30 years.

1324
01:17:15,966 --> 01:17:17,842
Hers were too many,
yours not enough.

1325
01:17:17,843 --> 01:17:21,929
So tell me what's wrong with it,
that frightens everyone so much?

1326
01:17:21,930 --> 01:17:24,098
I don't know.
It's like baseball.

1327
01:17:24,099 --> 01:17:27,101
Either you can play
or you can't play.

1328
01:17:27,102 --> 01:17:29,437
Your mother could play,
I couldn't play.

1329
01:17:29,438 --> 01:17:33,901
Trouble with her is she kept
getting traded all the time.

1330
01:17:35,068 --> 01:17:36,944
That's not the answer
I was looking for.

1331
01:17:36,945 --> 01:17:39,530
Why did you wait so long
to ask the question?

1332
01:17:39,531 --> 01:17:42,492
Because it's
what I thought I wanted.

1333
01:17:42,493 --> 01:17:46,954
Now I know that
it's not what I want.

1334
01:17:46,955 --> 01:17:48,457
Are you sure?

1335
01:17:49,625 --> 01:17:50,793
I'm sure.

1336
01:17:51,585 --> 01:17:53,002
Then get out of it.

1337
01:17:53,003 --> 01:17:54,796
Don't do it, Brucey.

1338
01:17:54,797 --> 01:17:55,547
You mean it?

1339
01:17:55,548 --> 01:17:56,923
Let me go
and talk to the others.

1340
01:17:56,924 --> 01:17:59,426
I'll figure something
out to say.

1341
01:18:01,553 --> 01:18:02,888
Pop...

1342
01:18:03,096 --> 01:18:04,640
Dad...

1343
01:18:06,099 --> 01:18:08,685
the thing is...

1344
01:18:11,063 --> 01:18:14,649
- ...I really love her.
- Sure you love her, now.

1345
01:18:14,650 --> 01:18:16,734
You'll have two years
of excitement

1346
01:18:16,735 --> 01:18:19,070
- and 45 years of hell.
- No.

1347
01:18:19,071 --> 01:18:20,238
Trust me, Brucey.

1348
01:18:20,239 --> 01:18:22,657
I will always love her. She...

1349
01:18:22,658 --> 01:18:25,034
She is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.

1350
01:18:25,035 --> 01:18:28,955
Would you be willing
to gamble your life on that?

1351
01:18:28,956 --> 01:18:31,082
I know I haven't been there
enough for you, Brucey.

1352
01:18:31,083 --> 01:18:33,668
But this is the best advice
I'll ever give you.

1353
01:18:33,669 --> 01:18:36,879
Not getting married today is
the right thing for you to do!

1354
01:18:36,880 --> 01:18:40,633
Maybe it's right for you.
It's wrong for me, okay?

1355
01:18:40,634 --> 01:18:43,679
You go tell everybody
I'm getting dressed.

1356
01:18:44,763 --> 01:18:45,930
Thank God you said that.

1357
01:18:45,931 --> 01:18:51,061
I didn't know how long I could
keep on talking like an asshole.

1358
01:18:52,771 --> 01:18:54,898
Thanks, Pop.

1359
01:19:00,946 --> 01:19:03,699
Hey, see you downstairs.

1360
01:19:06,118 --> 01:19:07,660
Go away, we're not ready yet!

1361
01:19:07,661 --> 01:19:10,163
Not even for your old man?

1362
01:19:10,831 --> 01:19:11,123
Dad?

1363
01:19:11,124 --> 01:19:13,624
Maria, let him in.

1364
01:19:13,625 --> 01:19:16,169
...oh, hello.

1365
01:19:18,589 --> 01:19:19,047
I come back soon.

1366
01:19:19,048 --> 01:19:22,718
But you smudge her dress,
and I kill you, okay?

1367
01:19:30,767 --> 01:19:35,771
Dear God, I've just seen heaven
and it's in living color.

1368
01:19:35,772 --> 01:19:37,149
Do you like it?

1369
01:19:37,900 --> 01:19:40,151
- Can I hug you?
- Yes, you better!

1370
01:19:40,152 --> 01:19:43,822
Oh, I would have postponed
if you didn't make it.

1371
01:19:44,281 --> 01:19:46,616
- Have you seen Bruce?
- Yeah.

1372
01:19:46,617 --> 01:19:48,910
- Isn't he terrific?
- Oh, boy.

1373
01:19:48,911 --> 01:19:50,328
So, was it a terrible trip?

1374
01:19:50,329 --> 01:19:52,705
If you'd asked me
that four hours ago,

1375
01:19:52,706 --> 01:19:54,582
I would've said "the pits."

1376
01:19:54,583 --> 01:19:57,084
But something happened
on the plane

1377
01:19:57,085 --> 01:19:59,795
and everything's
coming up roses.

1378
01:19:59,796 --> 01:20:01,088
- You've met someone.
- Yeah.

1379
01:20:01,089 --> 01:20:03,633
- I'll tell you later.
- No, say.

1380
01:20:03,634 --> 01:20:04,718
I don't want to keep you.

1381
01:20:04,719 --> 01:20:08,804
As a matter of fact, I can't
keep you any longer, can I?

1382
01:20:08,805 --> 01:20:10,181
I will get it.

1383
01:20:10,182 --> 01:20:13,935
I hope you don't mind my giving
you away dressed like this.

1384
01:20:13,936 --> 01:20:15,896
You look great to me.

1385
01:20:17,606 --> 01:20:21,193
Mr. Ungar,
this just came for you.

1386
01:20:21,860 --> 01:20:23,194
Oh! Thank you.

1387
01:20:23,195 --> 01:20:26,197
On second thought,
maybe I'll spiff it up a little,

1388
01:20:26,198 --> 01:20:27,741
- huh?
- Okay.

1389
01:20:29,201 --> 01:20:31,035
He's very sweet.

1390
01:20:31,036 --> 01:20:31,662
He's my daddy.

1391
01:20:31,663 --> 01:20:35,999
And with the power vested in me
by the state of California,

1392
01:20:36,208 --> 01:20:39,127
I now pronounce you
man and wife.

1393
01:20:39,378 --> 01:20:41,338
You may kiss the bride.

1394
01:20:58,105 --> 01:21:00,023
Isn't this terrific?

1395
01:21:09,700 --> 01:21:12,284
- Oh, Pop.
- Hey, Brucey.

1396
01:21:12,285 --> 01:21:15,998
Baby! What a putzie!

1397
01:21:16,373 --> 01:21:17,624
Dad.

1398
01:21:18,041 --> 01:21:19,250
Don't cry.

1399
01:21:19,251 --> 01:21:21,043
- Hey.
- Sweetheart.

1400
01:21:21,044 --> 01:21:23,087
Good luck to you.
Take care of my boy, will you?

1401
01:21:23,088 --> 01:21:25,214
- I promise.
- He needs lots of cereal

1402
01:21:25,215 --> 01:21:27,842
in the morning.

1403
01:21:27,843 --> 01:21:30,679
- Congratulations, Blanche.
- Aw.

1404
01:21:39,104 --> 01:21:40,938
Are you still allergic
to my perfume?

1405
01:21:40,939 --> 01:21:43,984
No, no, no, no, no.
No, that's gone.

1406
01:21:44,192 --> 01:21:48,238
It triggered an old memory
in my sinuses.

1407
01:21:57,456 --> 01:21:59,041
Excuse me.

1408
01:22:17,726 --> 01:22:19,936
Isn't she incredible, Pop?

1409
01:22:20,479 --> 01:22:24,107
Yeah, she's very beautiful.

1410
01:22:26,151 --> 01:22:27,318
Listen, Brucey...

1411
01:22:27,319 --> 01:22:31,197
I want you to take these
for you and Hannah.

1412
01:22:31,198 --> 01:22:33,157
No, Pop,
I know you're strapped for cash.

1413
01:22:33,158 --> 01:22:35,451
Just the gesture,
that's enough for Hannah and me.

1414
01:22:35,452 --> 01:22:40,290
What I have here is not cash.
Please, take it.

1415
01:22:44,961 --> 01:22:48,464
Baseball cards! You knew
I always used to save these.

1416
01:22:48,465 --> 01:22:50,174
Not those.
I've had these

1417
01:22:50,175 --> 01:22:54,303
since before you were born.
These are first editions.

1418
01:22:54,304 --> 01:22:57,516
Mickey Mantle
in his rookie year.

1419
01:22:58,308 --> 01:23:02,394
George Herman Ruth,
sometimes known as Babe Ruth.

1420
01:23:02,395 --> 01:23:06,398
Today that's worth $22,000.

1421
01:23:06,399 --> 01:23:09,443
No, no way, Pop.
I can't take these.

1422
01:23:09,444 --> 01:23:12,488
Come on. Hold them
until your kids are 18.

1423
01:23:12,489 --> 01:23:16,451
Maybe it will buy him
a week or two in college.

1424
01:23:17,244 --> 01:23:20,455
- You're the greatest, Pop.
- Thank you.

1425
01:23:23,875 --> 01:23:28,255
Well, I'm getting tired.
Come on, walk me in.

1426
01:23:29,005 --> 01:23:30,422
No chance of you
moving out here?

1427
01:23:30,423 --> 01:23:34,927
To where, Santa Yocinta,
Malinta, Caliente, Maliguena?

1428
01:23:34,928 --> 01:23:37,012
I'm not gonna learn
a new language

1429
01:23:37,013 --> 01:23:39,391
just to find my way home
at night.

1430
01:23:41,226 --> 01:23:44,228
<i>♪ I don't get around much
Anymore ♪</i>

1431
01:23:44,229 --> 01:23:48,400
Boy, it feels good to be
in clean pajamas again, huh?

1432
01:23:48,567 --> 01:23:51,193
My God, was that a wedding?

1433
01:23:51,194 --> 01:23:54,905
I am so glad that the kids
loved the silver tray.

1434
01:23:54,906 --> 01:23:56,323
You know something, Oscar,
you never told me

1435
01:23:56,324 --> 01:24:00,452
what you gave them. Not that
it's any of my damn business.

1436
01:24:00,453 --> 01:24:02,288
- Huh?
- Felix, tomorrow night

1437
01:24:02,289 --> 01:24:04,415
- I'll be sleeping in my own bed.
- Yeah.

1438
01:24:04,416 --> 01:24:06,417
It's not a great bed,
but I love it

1439
01:24:06,418 --> 01:24:09,128
because it never talks
during the night.

1440
01:24:09,129 --> 01:24:13,424
Oh, I'm sorry, Os, I, uh...
It's just, you know...

1441
01:24:13,425 --> 01:24:17,970
It may be another 17 years
before we see each other again.

1442
01:24:17,971 --> 01:24:19,556
That's a date.

1443
01:24:20,265 --> 01:24:23,351
- Let me tell you--
- Felix, please!

1444
01:24:23,602 --> 01:24:28,022
We got to be on that airport bus
at 9:00 a.m.

1445
01:24:28,023 --> 01:24:29,607
- I got to get some sleep.
- No.

1446
01:24:29,608 --> 01:24:31,901
I forgot to tell you, no bus.

1447
01:24:31,902 --> 01:24:35,112
Leece has hired a limo
to take us to the airport.

1448
01:24:35,113 --> 01:24:36,363
- Who's Leece?
- Felice.

1449
01:24:36,364 --> 01:24:39,074
I started calling her Leece
and she likes it.

1450
01:24:39,075 --> 01:24:39,993
Does she call you Lix?

1451
01:24:39,994 --> 01:24:42,536
Oh, another thing.
I'm not going back to New York.

1452
01:24:42,537 --> 01:24:45,414
I'm going to spend some time
up in San Fran.

1453
01:24:45,415 --> 01:24:46,124
- San Fran?
- Yeah.

1454
01:24:46,125 --> 01:24:49,919
Lix and Leece in San Fran?
What the hell is going on?

1455
01:24:49,920 --> 01:24:51,587
Who knows?
I may spend just a few days

1456
01:24:51,588 --> 01:24:55,382
or the rest of my life.
We really hit it off tonight.

1457
01:24:55,383 --> 01:24:57,301
Yeah, I've heard you
say that before.

1458
01:24:57,302 --> 01:24:59,970
But this may be the last time
you hear me say it.

1459
01:24:59,971 --> 01:25:05,352
I hope so. I really do.
Boy, am I exhausted.

1460
01:25:08,647 --> 01:25:10,189
GN.

1461
01:25:10,190 --> 01:25:13,026
- "GN"?
- Good night.

1462
01:25:18,114 --> 01:25:21,242
Gate 46. Where is that?

1463
01:25:21,243 --> 01:25:25,372
It's down at that end.
We're at the other end.

1464
01:25:28,541 --> 01:25:30,125
Felix, I'll change your ticket,

1465
01:25:30,126 --> 01:25:32,628
give you and Oscar
a chance to say goodbye.

1466
01:25:32,629 --> 01:25:35,506
You will?
Oh, yeah, okay.

1467
01:25:35,507 --> 01:25:39,510
Bye, Oscar.
Have a wonderful flight.

1468
01:25:39,511 --> 01:25:41,263
You too, Leece.

1469
01:25:41,972 --> 01:25:43,264
I'll be right there.

1470
01:25:43,265 --> 01:25:47,518
- She's very nice.
- Yeah. Yeah. Hey!

1471
01:25:47,519 --> 01:25:49,144
She looks like
she's got a lot of dogs.

1472
01:25:49,145 --> 01:25:52,022
You're gonna be walking
a lot of dogs, Felix.

1473
01:25:52,023 --> 01:25:53,357
You think I'm making a mistake?

1474
01:25:53,358 --> 01:25:56,944
I don't give that kind of advice
twice on the same weekend.

1475
01:25:56,945 --> 01:25:59,196
You know,
this could be my last chance.

1476
01:25:59,197 --> 01:26:03,285
I mean, I really
want to give it a good try.

1477
01:26:06,079 --> 01:26:09,373
- I wish you the best, Felix.
- You do?

1478
01:26:09,374 --> 01:26:12,668
Of course, my best
doesn't always mean much.

1479
01:26:12,669 --> 01:26:15,130
It does to me, Oscar.

1480
01:26:22,595 --> 01:26:25,431
Okay, Felix.
Felix, that's enough.

1481
01:26:25,432 --> 01:26:30,437
Stop it, she's going to think
we have something going.

1482
01:27:02,177 --> 01:27:03,136
<i>Here we go.</i>

1483
01:27:03,137 --> 01:27:07,222
Who gets the bagel
with the tofu cream cheese?

1484
01:27:07,223 --> 01:27:10,142
- That's mine.
- Millie.

1485
01:27:10,143 --> 01:27:12,227
- Here we go.
- Thank you, darling.

1486
01:27:12,228 --> 01:27:13,687
You're welcome.
And I...

1487
01:27:13,688 --> 01:27:19,193
have here a soy bean
facsimile corned beef sandwich.

1488
01:27:19,194 --> 01:27:21,153
That's me. Thanks.

1489
01:27:21,154 --> 01:27:22,613
Are you in this game, Oscar?

1490
01:27:22,614 --> 01:27:25,741
Can a duck swim?
For 20 cents, I'm in.

1491
01:27:25,742 --> 01:27:27,409
You didn't look at your cards.

1492
01:27:27,410 --> 01:27:30,580
At these prices
I'll take the plunge.

1493
01:27:33,416 --> 01:27:36,460
This cheesecake
is hard as a rock!

1494
01:27:36,461 --> 01:27:38,796
That's the wax model
they keep in the window.

1495
01:27:38,797 --> 01:27:41,465
If you like the way it looks,
I'll order it.

1496
01:27:41,466 --> 01:27:44,760
Tell us about the wedding.
What did they serve?

1497
01:27:44,761 --> 01:27:48,180
- Veal Alphonso.
- How did they make that?

1498
01:27:48,181 --> 01:27:52,351
A guy, name of Alphonso
comes in early...

1499
01:27:52,352 --> 01:27:55,105
Oh, I'll get it.

1500
01:27:55,647 --> 01:27:58,148
- That's the pizza I ordered.
- For tonight?

1501
01:27:58,149 --> 01:28:02,070
No, from before the wedding.
I forgot to cancel it.

1502
01:28:02,821 --> 01:28:04,197
Coming!

1503
01:28:08,159 --> 01:28:09,077
Hi, Os.

1504
01:28:09,078 --> 01:28:12,371
I was in the neighborhood

1505
01:28:12,372 --> 01:28:14,456
so I thought I'd drop in.

1506
01:28:14,457 --> 01:28:19,211
What a surprise.
Is Felice with you?

1507
01:28:19,212 --> 01:28:21,755
No, it didn't work out.

1508
01:28:21,756 --> 01:28:25,843
That woman left her clothes
lying all over the floor.

1509
01:28:25,844 --> 01:28:28,595
She was always
running out of towels,

1510
01:28:28,596 --> 01:28:31,098
and bobby pins in the bed!

1511
01:28:31,099 --> 01:28:32,683
Now, come on.
I could not hack that.

1512
01:28:32,684 --> 01:28:37,147
- Am I disturbing you?
- No, come on in, Felix.

1513
01:28:45,697 --> 01:28:49,116
Girls, this is the father
of the bride,

1514
01:28:49,117 --> 01:28:50,160
my friend, Felix Ungar.

1515
01:28:50,161 --> 01:28:52,453
These are my poker
playing buddies, Felix.

1516
01:28:52,454 --> 01:28:54,621
Hi. I hope I'm not
interrupting the game.

1517
01:28:54,622 --> 01:28:57,583
No, my goodness, not at all.

1518
01:28:57,584 --> 01:29:00,878
It's a distinct pleasure
to meet you.

1519
01:29:00,879 --> 01:29:03,172
I can't see him.
Is he cute?

1520
01:29:03,173 --> 01:29:06,425
Oh, uh, girls, would you
excuse us for a minute?

1521
01:29:06,426 --> 01:29:07,551
I have to speak to Felix.

1522
01:29:07,552 --> 01:29:11,806
Please excuse us. Felix,
can I have a word with you?

1523
01:29:12,182 --> 01:29:14,726
Can you believe it,
we'll never play.

1524
01:29:15,894 --> 01:29:17,353
Felix...

1525
01:29:18,438 --> 01:29:20,772
what's with the suitcases?

1526
01:29:20,773 --> 01:29:24,568
Oh. I gave up my apartment
in New York.

1527
01:29:24,569 --> 01:29:25,361
To live in Sarasota?

1528
01:29:25,362 --> 01:29:28,322
They have hospitals
in Sarasota, too, you know.

1529
01:29:28,323 --> 01:29:31,325
Are you planning to move
in with me again, Felix?

1530
01:29:31,326 --> 01:29:33,827
Because, you know, it didn't
work out the last time.

1531
01:29:33,828 --> 01:29:38,248
No, no. This is just
until I find my own place.

1532
01:29:38,249 --> 01:29:41,502
'Course we could actually save
a lot of money

1533
01:29:41,503 --> 01:29:42,462
by splitting expenses.

1534
01:29:42,463 --> 01:29:45,506
Nothing has changed, Felix.
I'm still a pig,

1535
01:29:45,507 --> 01:29:46,882
you're still a human
vacuum cleaner.

1536
01:29:46,883 --> 01:29:52,304
I know. So if you don't think
it will work, just say no.

1537
01:29:52,305 --> 01:29:53,473
No.

1538
01:29:55,308 --> 01:29:56,408
Okay.

1539
01:29:57,727 --> 01:29:59,395
So, I'll go.

1540
01:30:08,780 --> 01:30:12,450
I didn't say "go," I said "no."

1541
01:30:14,702 --> 01:30:17,829
All right. We'll give it a try
for a few weeks.

1542
01:30:17,830 --> 01:30:20,749
But the minute you start
matching up my socks,

1543
01:30:20,750 --> 01:30:22,960
- we call it quits.
- It's a deal.

1544
01:30:22,961 --> 01:30:24,920
Now you go on,
go back to your game.

1545
01:30:24,921 --> 01:30:27,799
I'm just going to hang up
a few things.

1546
01:30:28,800 --> 01:30:30,884
He looks so sweet.

1547
01:30:30,885 --> 01:30:36,558
If he's looking, I've got
a spare bedroom I don't use.

1548
01:30:37,433 --> 01:30:39,893
Ladies, it's possible
that in five weeks

1549
01:30:39,894 --> 01:30:44,190
you'll all be moving
out of Sarasota, Florida.

1550
01:30:44,774 --> 01:30:45,941
Whose bet is it?

1551
01:30:47,277 --> 01:30:49,987
Don't mind me, folks,
I was just...

1552
01:30:49,988 --> 01:30:50,905
Oh, excuse me.

1553
01:30:50,906 --> 01:30:53,365
- Is this yours?
- Thank you.

1554
01:30:53,366 --> 01:30:54,491
That's all right.

1555
01:30:54,492 --> 01:30:57,369
Boy, that sandwich
is looking a little limp.

1556
01:30:57,370 --> 01:30:59,871
I can re-toast that for you
in a second.

1557
01:30:59,872 --> 01:31:00,748
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

1558
01:31:00,749 --> 01:31:03,000
- Huh!
- I wouldn't mind.

1559
01:31:03,001 --> 01:31:05,628
- No problem at all.
- Thank you.

1560
01:31:06,671 --> 01:31:09,298
This is the biggest,
goddamned-est

1561
01:31:09,299 --> 01:31:12,467
déjà vu anybody has ever had!

1562
01:31:12,468 --> 01:31:16,638
Can we play cards here, please,
for crying out loud!