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Created and Encoded by -- Bokutox -- of www.YIFY-TORRENTS.com. The Best 720p/1080p/3d movies with the lowest file size on the internet.
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Tired of the same old you?
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Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?
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Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?
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Yeah.
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Oh, hello.
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I'm White Goodman, owner, operator
and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.
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I'm here to tell ya that you don't have
to be stuck with what you've got.
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Hey, Rory. Looking good.
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At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness"
and "fatness" are genetic disorders,
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much like baldness or necrophilia,
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and it's only your fault if you don't hate
yourself enough to do something about it.
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That's where we come in.
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Globo Gym employs
a highly trained, quasi-cultural staff
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of personal alteration specialists.
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With our competitively priced
onsite cosmetic surgery,
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we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morning
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into a Franken-fine.
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Of course, you'll still be you
in a legal sense,
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but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better you
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than you could ever become without us.
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How do I know?
Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,
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I'm also a client.
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That's me, six years and 600lbs ago,
before I knew how much I hated myself.
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That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.
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But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen
to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...
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That feels good.
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Oh, the tickle machine.
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Crash, no. Crash, out.
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Bad dog. No grundle.
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Come on down and join the winning team,
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because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you.
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And we know it.
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Spare me.
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Mr La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.
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We've been trying to reach you,
but your phone was disconnected.
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We'll be shutting off
your water and power at 5pm today
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due to an eight-month overdue account.
Thank you and have a nice day.
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This is Seth from Videorama.
The following DVDs are now overdue.
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Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5
and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.
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Come on, baby, be there.
Be there.
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It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.
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We're just around the corner.
My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.
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You guys are lifesavers.
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I appreciate the effort.
Don't pull a hammy over it.
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Gimme that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?
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Hey, Peter.
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- How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.
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Don't hold out on me. What's happening?
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It's just I'm trying
this new voicemail-dating thing.
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And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.
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There's someone out there for everybody.
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- You think?
- Absolutely.
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In some cases, there's two somebodies for
one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
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See you later, dater.
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- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Gordon.
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- I'm wailing on my glutes.
- Sounds great.
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I'm gonna shock the biceps later,
then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.
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- I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. I wanted to ask you something.
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- Did you catch the game last night?
- Can I say yes?
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Amateur curling championships
on ESPN8.
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- I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.
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I feel dumb for asking,
but how did you hear about it?
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- OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Of course, the OSQ.
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Started reading it in college,
for the chicks.
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- I'm glad that worked out for you.
- Thanks, Peter.
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- Bye.
- Love the orange and love the headphones.
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When I come back,
I want you on a different machine.
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- You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete.
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OK, come on. Let's get this out of here.
You OK?
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- You're like a human Chinese puzzle.
- Thanks, Pete.
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All that weight is dangerous.
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It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading
squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.
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Hang on a second. You wanna become
a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
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Yeah. Why?
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Nothing. High school's
changed a bit since I was a kid.
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Plus, all anyone ever remembers is
what happened at last year's tryouts.
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I'm the laughing stock of the school.
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I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?
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Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched.
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- Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.
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Good luck to you, making yourjudgments.
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And from the girls' line,
we need girl number
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00, Martha Johnstone.
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Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?
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I'm not wearing any panties.
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Ready? One, two.
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Liberty, ready?
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- Dude.
- Can he breathe?
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- Wow.
- Yeah.
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- It was the worst.
- Don't worry about this Amber situation.
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- It'll all work itself out in the end.
- Thanks, Pete.
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You'll laugh at this one day.
I'm laughing.
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Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.
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- Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter.
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'Tis about the matter of payment
for me membership.
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Steve be a touch short this month.
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That's all right.
Just pay me when you get the money.
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The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt.
I'll make a barter with you.
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In exchange for your kindness,
I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.
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Once I find it, that be.
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I'm flattered by the gesture, but
a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.
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Thanks, Peter.
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- I'll be on the StairMaster.
- OK, Steve.
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- Next time, maybe just say "hello".
- Gar.
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Hello.
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It's not my birthday till next month,
but terrific.
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I'm so sorry. Hi.
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I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.
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- Your bank?
- Right. My bank.
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- You are very attractive for a banker.
- Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
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Really? What kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?
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Sexual harassment, mostly.
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But I also handle real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.
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- This place is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.
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You were in default
when we sent you delinquency notices.
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- I thought those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.
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No one warned me. What happens now?
I make my payments out to somebody else?
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You have 30 days to pay the balance
of your mortgage, or you lose your gym.
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Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?
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$50,000.
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Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have
to wait till the end of the month to cash her?
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I do have to switch some funds. The charity
I like to work with is gonna take a hit.
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Mr La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.
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Yeah.
This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch.
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It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial
statements and assess any tax liabilities.
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Absolutely.
I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",
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but if there was a "Ms Mr",
I'm a Ms as well.
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You do keep financial records?
Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income.
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You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em.
I call 'em keepers.
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- Problem is I've never really filed them.
- No kidding.
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Just out of curiosity,
who would want to buy this place anyway?
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Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.
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Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up.
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One more, bitch. One more, bitch.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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- Now you're my bitch.
- Yeah.
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Yeah, baby.
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Involuntary spasm.
Look at the show. Enjoy the show.
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This a bad time? I could come back.
Looks like some real dude sweat going on.
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Add three pounds to the scales in the
women's locker room before you go home.
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Refreshment?
I've got protein paste, carb laxative...
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- Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?
- I'm trying to cut down on those.
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- They're good. They are good.
- Know what you mean.
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Walk with me.
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Hey, Brianna.
Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.
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Nice job, Susie.
You call that a sit-up?
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Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.
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There's a good energy in the gym.
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Let me guess why you're here, Pete.
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Because I bought out
the second mortgage on your gym.
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You've got 30 days to make $50,000,
or your gym becomes my gym.
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I know we've had our differences...
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Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?
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It was one night.
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Or the strip-o-gram you sent me
for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?
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- It was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.
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Let's not get hung up on details.
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- We're both professionals.
- Really?
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Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.
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My gym's worth over $4 million.
Your gym isn't worth four.
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I have shareholders.
You haven't even got cupholders.
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- Why would I want cupholders?
- The point is
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Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.
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A benchmark in the fitness community.
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Your "gym" is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.
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See, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favours.
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I earned this body
and I built this temple
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out of nothing more than
a little can-do attitude and elbow grease.
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And a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.
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So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build
a parking structure for my members, so be it.
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There's nothing you can do about it.
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In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap
you call a gym into permanent nothingness.
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I can only hope that you, and the mongrel
race that comprise your membership,
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are inside it when I do.
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Show Mr La Fleur out.
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Turn it up high, Reggie.
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I wanna burn.
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00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:40,550
So that's the deal. We got 30 days
to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.
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I got ten minutes.
I'll open it up to some QandA.
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No need to raise your hands,
it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.
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00:12:48,550 --> 00:12:52,050
Yes, Peter,
- and I'm just spitballing here -
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00:12:52,350 --> 00:12:56,850
but why don't we pay it off
in Canadian dollars and save some money?
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00:12:57,150 --> 00:13:01,150
Just so you know, if that's a route
you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.
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00:13:01,350 --> 00:13:04,550
It would be 70,000, roughly,
Canadian dollars.
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00:13:04,850 --> 00:13:09,750
- How are we gonna come up with $120,000?
- Owen, you don't add them together.
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00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:14,150
Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this,
but it's more like $73,313...
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00:13:14,450 --> 00:13:17,950
It doesn't matter. We can't come up
with $50,000. We're screwed.
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00:13:18,150 --> 00:13:19,850
Gar.
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00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:25,250
- It's an insurmountable amount of money.
- No, it's not insurmountable. Come on.
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00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:28,350
We can'tjust sit back
and let Globo Gym take us over.
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00:13:28,650 --> 00:13:31,550
Average Joe's is too important.
193
00:13:31,750 --> 00:13:33,950
Where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?
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00:13:34,150 --> 00:13:36,050
- Average Joe's.
- Right.
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00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:39,950
Dwight, Owen, what will you do
if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?
196
00:13:40,150 --> 00:13:43,950
- I ain't working at no airport again.
- No. Cos you hated it.
197
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:48,350
And, Steve, where do you go
to do whatever it is that you do?
198
00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:52,850
- Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve.
- Gar. You're right.
199
00:13:53,550 --> 00:13:57,750
Do you see? There's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.
200
00:13:58,050 --> 00:14:01,650
They'd laugh at me there.
Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.
201
00:14:01,850 --> 00:14:04,650
But not here, not at Joe's.
202
00:14:04,850 --> 00:14:09,550
I need this place.
You guys need this place. Come on.
203
00:14:12,250 --> 00:14:15,050
I got it. I know how we can raise the money.
204
00:14:15,350 --> 00:14:17,850
- How?
- Car wash.
205
00:14:34,350 --> 00:14:37,750
What are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?
206
00:14:38,050 --> 00:14:39,850
The girls beat us fair and square.
207
00:14:40,150 --> 00:14:45,850
I am gonna be a gentleman about it and
congratulate every one of them, personally.
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00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:50,650
Guys. Not to be a nay-sayer or anything,
but the only customer we've had
209
00:14:50,950 --> 00:14:55,250
is that weird guy
who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
210
00:15:00,350 --> 00:15:05,150
That's it, boy.
Get in there nice and deep, like.
211
00:15:07,650 --> 00:15:10,550
- That's not good.
- Gar. This sucks.
212
00:15:22,050 --> 00:15:24,950
Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.
213
00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:29,250
At Globo Gym,
we're better than you and we know it.
214
00:15:29,550 --> 00:15:32,350
Sign up now.
215
00:15:32,550 --> 00:15:34,650
Do you smell that fitness? I do.
216
00:15:34,850 --> 00:15:37,250
Rock it and shock it, baby.
217
00:15:37,450 --> 00:15:39,350
You gotta burn it to earn it.
218
00:15:39,550 --> 00:15:43,350
- What's in the envelope?
- Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym.
219
00:15:43,650 --> 00:15:47,250
- Cool.
- It's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult.
220
00:15:47,450 --> 00:15:51,350
Maybe we could sell 'em for cash
cos the car wash cost us money.
221
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:54,050
- We're further away from saving this place?
- Yes.
222
00:15:54,250 --> 00:15:56,750
- We'll never raise enough money.
- This blows.
223
00:15:56,950 --> 00:15:58,850
Guys, I know this is tough to take,
224
00:15:59,050 --> 00:16:02,950
but if an impromptu car wash
doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,
225
00:16:03,250 --> 00:16:05,250
I guess itjust isn't in the cards.
226
00:16:05,450 --> 00:16:11,550
Trust me here. If there was any way in
the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,
227
00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:14,150
short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.
228
00:16:14,350 --> 00:16:16,450
We could sell blood and semen.
229
00:16:16,650 --> 00:16:18,450
What? Not mixed together.
230
00:16:18,650 --> 00:16:20,750
Guys, I love the enthusiasm,
231
00:16:20,950 --> 00:16:24,250
I love the energy here,
but we're looking at this the wrong way.
232
00:16:24,450 --> 00:16:27,050
Let's celebrate the good times
that was Joe's.
233
00:16:27,350 --> 00:16:30,550
We gotta start looking
at this Irish-wake style.
234
00:16:33,650 --> 00:16:37,450
Let me be the first
to say goodbye to Average Joe's.
235
00:16:37,750 --> 00:16:41,650
We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now let's try to have some fun.
236
00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:45,150
I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song",
and we'll tear this place apart.
237
00:16:45,450 --> 00:16:47,650
Wait, wait. Peter. Peter.
238
00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:50,550
We could play dodgeball.
239
00:16:50,750 --> 00:16:55,250
That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's
tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.
240
00:16:55,550 --> 00:17:01,050
There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.
241
00:17:01,350 --> 00:17:04,150
I read about
the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
242
00:17:04,450 --> 00:17:06,550
every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly.
243
00:17:06,750 --> 00:17:09,250
Of course. That's a totally common thing.
244
00:17:09,450 --> 00:17:13,550
The best part is it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.
245
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:19,250
- How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000?
- They have a cash prize for the winner.
246
00:17:19,650 --> 00:17:22,550
- How much?
- $50,000.
247
00:17:22,750 --> 00:17:25,750
Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000
for playing dodgeball.
248
00:17:25,950 --> 00:17:28,950
- Why not?
- None of us know how to play dodgeball.
249
00:17:29,250 --> 00:17:33,650
I do. We played it in PE last year.
They showed us this film about it.
250
00:17:33,950 --> 00:17:37,150
- Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.
251
00:17:37,350 --> 00:17:39,950
Can we please try to be serious
here for one second?
252
00:17:40,050 --> 00:17:45,250
You said anything we could do to raise
the money. This is that anything. This is it.
253
00:17:45,450 --> 00:17:48,750
Come on, show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?
254
00:17:49,650 --> 00:17:51,950
Come on.
255
00:17:54,550 --> 00:17:56,950
Come on, Pete.
256
00:17:58,150 --> 00:18:01,250
You guys had me at blood and semen.
Come here.
257
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:07,950
You want it, don't you, fat boy?
258
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:10,150
You want that doughnut.
259
00:18:10,350 --> 00:18:12,950
Go ahead and have a bite.
260
00:18:13,150 --> 00:18:16,950
Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.
261
00:18:22,550 --> 00:18:24,350
Momma.
262
00:18:25,150 --> 00:18:29,850
- Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you.
- Give me 30 seconds and send her in.
263
00:18:30,150 --> 00:18:31,550
Yes, sir.
264
00:18:47,150 --> 00:18:49,150
Thank you.
265
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:58,450
Hello, Katherine. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.
266
00:18:58,650 --> 00:19:02,050
- You asked me to come over.
- Did I?
267
00:19:03,450 --> 00:19:06,150
Are you reading the dictionary?
268
00:19:07,950 --> 00:19:11,450
You caught me. I like to break
a mental sweat too. Grab a chair.
269
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:17,650
So, I trust everything's going swimmingly
with our acquisition of Average Joe's?
270
00:19:17,950 --> 00:19:22,550
So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there,
so I should probably get back.
271
00:19:22,850 --> 00:19:26,650
- That is a really interesting painting.
- Thank you.
272
00:19:26,950 --> 00:19:32,150
Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns.
It's how I handle my business.
273
00:19:32,450 --> 00:19:34,450
It's a metaphor.
274
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:38,650
- I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.
275
00:19:38,950 --> 00:19:43,850
Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here,
but there's always room for one more squaw.
276
00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:48,150
So, please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.
277
00:19:48,450 --> 00:19:50,850
- I don't.
- I don't want to get into a formal thing.
278
00:19:51,050 --> 00:19:53,050
I'm White, you know.
279
00:19:53,250 --> 00:19:55,050
W- h-i-t.
280
00:19:57,050 --> 00:19:58,450
E.
281
00:19:58,650 --> 00:20:01,250
Thanks, Mr Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.
282
00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,450
They just assigned me to your account.
283
00:20:03,650 --> 00:20:09,450
Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank
works for me so, ipso fact, I'm your boss.
284
00:20:09,750 --> 00:20:15,750
Point is, I would love to see your pretty
little bone structure around here some more.
285
00:20:16,150 --> 00:20:18,150
There's no reason we need to be shackled
286
00:20:18,350 --> 00:20:22,450
by the strictures of
the employee-employer relationship.
287
00:20:22,750 --> 00:20:25,150
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
288
00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:28,050
In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.
289
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:31,750
I'm just kidding.
But seriously, I've got 'em.
290
00:20:31,950 --> 00:20:34,550
I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.
291
00:20:34,850 --> 00:20:40,050
In fact, I actually prefer it over there.
292
00:20:40,250 --> 00:20:43,950
Really? You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser-Town?
293
00:20:44,150 --> 00:20:47,250
They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.
294
00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:50,950
People?
295
00:20:51,150 --> 00:20:53,550
"People, just like you and me. "
Oh, man.
296
00:20:53,750 --> 00:20:57,450
That is what I love about you, Kate.
You've got a "personality".
297
00:20:58,550 --> 00:21:05,550
That is rich. A real sauciness
that I find extremely attractive.
298
00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,050
We should mate.
299
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:11,950
- What?
- Date.
300
00:21:12,150 --> 00:21:15,150
We should date some time. Socially.
Go out and kick it.
301
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:19,050
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
302
00:21:19,250 --> 00:21:22,450
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
303
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:26,950
In some cultures, they only eat vomit.
304
00:21:27,150 --> 00:21:30,850
I never been there,
but I read about it in a book.
305
00:21:31,150 --> 00:21:34,650
I'm sorry, Mr Goodman.
I don't date clients.
306
00:21:36,550 --> 00:21:38,250
I get it.
307
00:21:38,450 --> 00:21:41,850
Don't crap where you eat. I understand.
308
00:21:42,050 --> 00:21:45,750
Me'Shell.
Please escort Ms Veatch out.
309
00:21:47,550 --> 00:21:51,550
And, Katherine, make sure
my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly.
310
00:21:51,850 --> 00:21:54,950
They're up to something over there.
I can smell it.
311
00:22:02,350 --> 00:22:07,950
�ber-American Instructional films,
teaching America's youth since 1938.
312
00:22:15,050 --> 00:22:16,850
Hey, there, Timmy.
313
00:22:16,950 --> 00:22:20,550
Holy mackerel, mister.
You scared the jeepers out of me.
314
00:22:20,850 --> 00:22:24,550
How'd you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint,
315
00:22:24,850 --> 00:22:26,150
and learn about dodgeball?
316
00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:28,050
Boy, would I.
317
00:22:32,050 --> 00:22:35,250
- Where am I, mister?
- You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.
318
00:22:35,550 --> 00:22:38,850
This is where dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century,
319
00:22:39,050 --> 00:22:41,350
by opium-addicted Chinamen.
320
00:22:41,550 --> 00:22:44,850
Back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each another
321
00:22:45,150 --> 00:22:48,350
instead of the ADAA-approved balls
we use today.
322
00:22:51,050 --> 00:22:52,050
ADAA?
323
00:22:52,250 --> 00:22:55,850
That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.
324
00:22:56,050 --> 00:23:01,350
Dodgeball is played with six players
on each team, and six rubber balls.
325
00:23:01,750 --> 00:23:04,850
The object of the game
is to eliminate the opposing players.
326
00:23:05,050 --> 00:23:09,350
Once all the players on one team are
eliminated, the opposing team wins.
327
00:23:09,650 --> 00:23:13,550
Wow. I can't wait
to get the fellas together and play.
328
00:23:15,650 --> 00:23:18,450
Hang on a second there, sport.
329
00:23:18,750 --> 00:23:21,650
- Patches O'Houlihan.
- That's right, Timmy.
330
00:23:21,850 --> 00:23:27,650
Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA
All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way.
331
00:23:27,950 --> 00:23:31,450
- Jeepers. Really?
- You betcha, champ.
332
00:23:32,050 --> 00:23:35,950
If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground,
333
00:23:36,250 --> 00:23:39,550
the player who threw that ball is out,
not you.
334
00:23:39,750 --> 00:23:44,350
Plus, another player from your team
gets to come back into the game.
335
00:23:44,650 --> 00:23:48,050
- It's a two-player swing.
- Thanks, Patches.
336
00:23:48,350 --> 00:23:51,050
I can't wait to start my own team at school.
337
00:23:51,250 --> 00:23:53,250
Attaboy, Tiger.
338
00:23:53,450 --> 00:23:58,850
But remember, dodgeball is a sport
of violence, exclusion and degradation.
339
00:23:59,150 --> 00:24:02,150
So, when you're picking players
in gym class,
340
00:24:02,350 --> 00:24:06,350
remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.
341
00:24:06,650 --> 00:24:12,050
That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones, like Winston here.
342
00:24:17,250 --> 00:24:20,050
Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.
343
00:24:20,350 --> 00:24:23,750
Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.
344
00:24:23,950 --> 00:24:26,650
Dodge, duck, dip, dive and
345
00:24:26,850 --> 00:24:28,350
dodge.
346
00:24:28,550 --> 00:24:31,450
Till next time.
This is Patches O'Houlihan,
347
00:24:31,650 --> 00:24:36,150
saying, "Take care of your balls
and they'll take care of you. "
348
00:24:38,050 --> 00:24:40,750
OK, guys. Any questions? Great.
349
00:24:40,950 --> 00:24:45,650
I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre.
350
00:24:45,950 --> 00:24:47,750
But we haven't even practised yet.
351
00:24:47,950 --> 00:24:51,650
We have to qualify for the Vegas Open.
Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.
352
00:24:51,950 --> 00:24:57,150
Everyone, just relax. I've always found
the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.
353
00:24:57,450 --> 00:25:00,150
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.
354
00:25:00,350 --> 00:25:02,450
Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.
355
00:25:02,650 --> 00:25:04,450
OK, I think everybody knows...
356
00:25:08,050 --> 00:25:11,950
- Don't you have an office of your own?
- Yes, I do have an office.
357
00:25:12,250 --> 00:25:15,050
A very nice office
with a view and air-conditioning.
358
00:25:15,250 --> 00:25:18,350
- Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closet
359
00:25:18,550 --> 00:25:23,350
of 30 years of financial transactions,
devoid of any filing system known to man.
360
00:25:23,750 --> 00:25:27,550
Hard to believe I only got a semester
ofjunior college under my belt.
361
00:25:27,750 --> 00:25:32,450
Do you realise you haven't collected
any membership fees in 13 months?
362
00:25:32,750 --> 00:25:36,650
I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?
363
00:25:36,950 --> 00:25:40,450
I found that if you have a goal,
you might not reach it.
364
00:25:40,750 --> 00:25:44,250
But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.
365
00:25:44,450 --> 00:25:48,750
I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.
366
00:25:49,050 --> 00:25:52,250
I guess that makes sense,
in a really sad way.
367
00:25:52,450 --> 00:25:55,050
Sad? You wanna know what's sad?
368
00:25:55,250 --> 00:25:57,950
Six grown men playing dodgeball.
369
00:25:58,650 --> 00:26:02,550
Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and do some abs, go shock it up.
370
00:26:02,850 --> 00:26:06,450
I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.
371
00:26:06,650 --> 00:26:09,350
Gotta be limber and loose.
That's the only way to play.
372
00:26:09,550 --> 00:26:13,950
Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time...
373
00:26:16,550 --> 00:26:18,850
Dodgeball, eh?
374
00:26:19,050 --> 00:26:23,850
If Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,
375
00:26:24,150 --> 00:26:26,950
he's in for quite a surprise.
376
00:26:35,350 --> 00:26:38,150
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.
377
00:26:38,350 --> 00:26:42,550
- Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
378
00:26:42,850 --> 00:26:44,850
- Hey, Gord, your family's here.
- Where?
379
00:26:45,050 --> 00:26:47,250
- Right over there.
- Great.
380
00:26:47,450 --> 00:26:50,650
She knows I don't like it
when she watches me. I get all nervous.
381
00:26:50,850 --> 00:26:53,650
- Kids take after you.
- Yeah. She's their stepmother.
382
00:26:53,850 --> 00:26:56,750
I remarried three years ago.
An Internet mail-order thing.
383
00:26:57,050 --> 00:27:01,050
- How's that working out for you?
- Really great. Really great.
384
00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:02,650
Hey, honey.
385
00:27:04,550 --> 00:27:07,450
L for love. Good times.
386
00:27:07,650 --> 00:27:09,650
L for love? That doesn't mean love...
387
00:27:09,850 --> 00:27:12,250
People have different translations
for things.
388
00:27:12,450 --> 00:27:16,750
That's a special bond that you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice.
389
00:27:17,050 --> 00:27:19,150
- How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Two.
390
00:27:19,350 --> 00:27:21,650
If we beat this team,
we're in the Vegas Open?
391
00:27:21,850 --> 00:27:23,650
- Yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.
392
00:27:23,850 --> 00:27:28,650
- Who's the other team?
- I have it right here. Just a sec.
393
00:27:28,950 --> 00:27:33,350
- Troop 417.
- Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts?
394
00:27:34,150 --> 00:27:35,350
Not quite.
395
00:27:44,050 --> 00:27:45,550
Bollocks.
396
00:27:51,250 --> 00:27:53,250
Troop 417, ready.
397
00:27:53,450 --> 00:27:55,050
Average Joe's, ready.
398
00:27:56,950 --> 00:27:58,550
Set. Dodgeball.
399
00:28:27,050 --> 00:28:29,350
I'm gonna send you to hell.
400
00:28:39,250 --> 00:28:44,250
- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?
- Why would you hit a girl? Why?
401
00:28:44,650 --> 00:28:46,550
I am so sorry. Are you OK?
402
00:28:48,950 --> 00:28:51,250
Winner - Troop 417.
403
00:28:51,450 --> 00:28:53,450
In your face.
404
00:28:53,650 --> 00:28:57,850
You're adopted.
Your parents don't even love you.
405
00:29:00,450 --> 00:29:06,150
And now, without further ado,
it gives me great pleasure to award...
406
00:29:09,250 --> 00:29:12,350
I'm sorry.
We have a bit of a problem here.
407
00:29:13,150 --> 00:29:16,250
Unfortunately for Troop 417,
408
00:29:16,550 --> 00:29:20,350
during the ADAA-required
random drug screening,
409
00:29:20,550 --> 00:29:25,750
one of your player's urine tested positive
for three separate types of anabolic steroids,
410
00:29:26,150 --> 00:29:29,850
and a low-grade beaver tranquilliser.
411
00:29:30,050 --> 00:29:34,050
I'm afraid, by rule,
your team must be disqualified.
412
00:29:34,850 --> 00:29:37,050
Goddamn you, Bernice.
413
00:29:37,850 --> 00:29:41,150
By the power vested in me,
I declare the winner of this year's
414
00:29:41,450 --> 00:29:46,650
Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament
and Grammar Jamboree to be
415
00:29:46,950 --> 00:29:48,750
Average Joe's Gym.
416
00:29:51,650 --> 00:29:53,350
You lied.
417
00:30:00,450 --> 00:30:05,350
All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can
admit the real reason why you showed up.
418
00:30:05,650 --> 00:30:09,950
I was in the neighbourhood and
I thought you could use a cheering section.
419
00:30:10,250 --> 00:30:13,750
Kate, if you wannajoin the team,
all you have to do is ask.
420
00:30:13,950 --> 00:30:16,650
Thank you, Peter. I don't.
421
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,450
It is obvious that you dig me.
422
00:30:20,650 --> 00:30:22,550
- You're hooked on La Fleur.
- God.
423
00:30:22,750 --> 00:30:27,550
I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.
You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.
424
00:30:27,850 --> 00:30:33,650
I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have
brief moments where you're not completely...
425
00:30:35,550 --> 00:30:38,450
What? I'm not completely what?
426
00:30:38,650 --> 00:30:41,350
Pathetic.
427
00:30:42,150 --> 00:30:45,150
Hey, White. I didn't think
that Nazi camp got out until eight.
428
00:30:45,350 --> 00:30:49,650
- Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
- Yes, I did.
429
00:30:49,950 --> 00:30:53,850
Hello, Kate.
I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialise.
430
00:30:54,150 --> 00:31:00,650
- You're not. I'm off the clock.
- Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the clock?
431
00:31:00,950 --> 00:31:04,850
I dropped by to congratulate you
on your victory by disqualification
432
00:31:05,150 --> 00:31:09,050
and introduce you to the team that
will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.
433
00:31:09,350 --> 00:31:10,950
My team.
434
00:31:12,250 --> 00:31:14,650
Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to
435
00:31:14,850 --> 00:31:16,850
Blade.
436
00:31:17,850 --> 00:31:19,850
Laser.
437
00:31:21,050 --> 00:31:23,150
Blazer.
438
00:31:23,250 --> 00:31:26,650
I've believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.
439
00:31:26,950 --> 00:31:31,350
- We met.
- And I almost forgot our last player.
440
00:31:31,650 --> 00:31:36,350
Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.
441
00:31:46,750 --> 00:31:50,750
In her home country of Romanovia,
dodgeball is the national sport.
442
00:31:51,050 --> 00:31:55,250
Her nuclear power plant's team won
the championship five years running,
443
00:31:55,550 --> 00:32:00,550
which makes her the deadliest woman
on earth with a dodgeball.
444
00:32:00,850 --> 00:32:02,550
Ball me, Blazer.
445
00:32:03,050 --> 00:32:05,350
Show them, Fran.
446
00:32:09,750 --> 00:32:12,450
That's just her change-up.
447
00:32:12,750 --> 00:32:14,650
End of demo.
448
00:32:14,750 --> 00:32:17,550
We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras
449
00:32:17,850 --> 00:32:21,450
and we will, we will rock you.
450
00:32:25,950 --> 00:32:28,750
I think that guy might really be dead.
451
00:32:30,550 --> 00:32:34,650
Wait a minute. How can you be
entered in the Las Vegas Open?
452
00:32:34,950 --> 00:32:37,150
You didn't win a regional qualifying match.
453
00:32:37,350 --> 00:32:40,450
Oh, my God. We never even won
a regional qualifying match.
454
00:32:40,650 --> 00:32:42,650
Yeah. Now I remember.
455
00:32:42,850 --> 00:32:46,450
The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine.
456
00:32:46,750 --> 00:32:49,850
I helped him shed some unwanted poundage
before beach season.
457
00:32:50,050 --> 00:32:52,650
So close your rule book
on that one, Poindextor.
458
00:32:52,850 --> 00:32:57,250
White, we didn't come here to "rumble".
We came here to celebrate as a team.
459
00:32:57,550 --> 00:33:00,550
There's plenty of bar here
for you and the Globo-nauts.
460
00:33:00,750 --> 00:33:02,450
Team?
461
00:33:02,650 --> 00:33:06,450
What team?
Your best player thinks he's a pirate.
462
00:33:10,050 --> 00:33:13,350
First of all, he is way more
of a pirate than you will ever be.
463
00:33:13,550 --> 00:33:18,750
Secondly, we don't know who our best player
is yet. We've only had one game.
464
00:33:19,050 --> 00:33:23,650
- It could be any one of us at this point.
- Go ahead, make yourjokes, Mr
465
00:33:23,950 --> 00:33:25,950
Jokey... Joke-maker.
466
00:33:26,150 --> 00:33:28,950
But let me hit you with
some knowledge. Quit now.
467
00:33:29,150 --> 00:33:34,150
Save yourself the embarrassment of losing
with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
468
00:33:34,450 --> 00:33:37,550
Alliteration aside,
I'll take my chances in the tournament.
469
00:33:37,750 --> 00:33:42,150
- Yeah, you will take your chances.
- I know. I just said that.
470
00:33:42,450 --> 00:33:45,450
- I know you did.
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
471
00:33:45,750 --> 00:33:49,050
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I said.
472
00:33:49,250 --> 00:33:53,350
- That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.
473
00:33:53,650 --> 00:33:55,150
Touch�.
474
00:33:57,950 --> 00:34:00,850
We're gonna split,
but we'll see you at the tournament.
475
00:34:01,050 --> 00:34:05,850
And, La Fleur, best bring your bib
cos it's gonna get messy.
476
00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:12,750
Are you all right? You OK?
477
00:34:15,050 --> 00:34:17,150
Let's bounce. Cobras.
478
00:34:20,650 --> 00:34:26,450
OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?
479
00:34:33,250 --> 00:34:34,450
Hey, you.
480
00:34:34,650 --> 00:34:39,250
That was the worst damn display
of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.
481
00:34:39,550 --> 00:34:42,850
You want a dodgeball victory,
you've gotta grab it by its haunches
482
00:34:43,050 --> 00:34:46,350
and hump it into submission.
That's the only way.
483
00:34:46,550 --> 00:34:49,750
OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.
484
00:34:50,050 --> 00:34:53,050
I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
485
00:34:54,350 --> 00:34:57,150
The name's Patches O'Houlihan.
486
00:34:57,350 --> 00:34:59,950
I'm your new coach.
487
00:35:00,150 --> 00:35:02,950
Patches O'Houlihan?
The guy from the dodgeball film?
488
00:35:03,150 --> 00:35:05,850
- Yeah. He said he wants to coach us.
- You said yes?
489
00:35:06,050 --> 00:35:09,950
I figured the steady hand of a seasoned
dodgeball coach could only benefit us.
490
00:35:10,250 --> 00:35:13,250
A'iight.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?
491
00:35:13,450 --> 00:35:16,150
No. No, he's totally normal.
492
00:35:27,350 --> 00:35:30,650
I love the smell of queef in the morning.
493
00:35:30,950 --> 00:35:32,950
I mean normal for us.
494
00:35:33,550 --> 00:35:35,350
Line up, ladies.
495
00:35:35,450 --> 00:35:37,750
- What does he mean, line up?
- Now.
496
00:35:40,950 --> 00:35:44,650
If you're gonna learn to be
true dodgeballers,
497
00:35:44,850 --> 00:35:48,550
then you've got to learn
the five Ds of dodgeball:
498
00:35:48,850 --> 00:35:51,750
dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.
499
00:35:51,950 --> 00:35:57,750
If you master the five Ds,
no amount of balls on earth can hit you.
500
00:35:59,250 --> 00:36:02,350
- Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or...
501
00:36:02,650 --> 00:36:07,350
Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or...
502
00:36:07,650 --> 00:36:10,850
That's what this sack of wrenches is for.
503
00:36:16,250 --> 00:36:18,850
If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.
504
00:36:18,950 --> 00:36:20,950
What?
505
00:36:30,850 --> 00:36:32,550
Any other questions?
506
00:36:32,750 --> 00:36:34,850
My God.
507
00:36:35,050 --> 00:36:39,950
Yeah. Patches, are you sure
that this is completely necessary?
508
00:36:40,250 --> 00:36:42,650
Necessary?
509
00:36:42,850 --> 00:36:46,950
- Is it necessary for me to drink my urine?
- Probably not.
510
00:36:47,250 --> 00:36:52,050
No. But I do it anyway
because it's sterile and I like the taste.
511
00:36:52,350 --> 00:36:53,750
OK.
512
00:36:53,850 --> 00:36:59,050
If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've
got to learn to do the dance in the dark.
513
00:37:00,150 --> 00:37:02,050
Here, put that on.
514
00:37:02,250 --> 00:37:04,450
All right, ladies, buckle up.
515
00:37:04,950 --> 00:37:06,250
It's showtime.
516
00:37:09,150 --> 00:37:11,550
Dodge, duck, dip. Dive.
517
00:37:13,250 --> 00:37:14,750
Dodge.
518
00:37:14,950 --> 00:37:16,750
Dive.
519
00:37:16,950 --> 00:37:20,050
Dip. Dive. Dodge.
520
00:37:20,950 --> 00:37:25,450
I've got three weeks to whip you
suck-ass failure junkies into shape.
521
00:37:25,650 --> 00:37:29,050
Come on. I get better runs in my shorts.
522
00:37:29,850 --> 00:37:34,750
Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out.
One of our guys comes back in.
523
00:37:35,050 --> 00:37:38,150
That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.
524
00:37:41,050 --> 00:37:42,950
Let's go. A little hustle here.
525
00:37:50,150 --> 00:37:51,750
That's really good, Peter.
526
00:37:55,650 --> 00:37:59,750
Come on. Only 19 miles to go.
527
00:38:03,650 --> 00:38:04,850
Attaboy.
528
00:38:06,750 --> 00:38:08,650
Next man.
529
00:38:08,850 --> 00:38:11,950
Good luck to you, Gordon.
Remember it's 90% mental.
530
00:38:12,150 --> 00:38:13,050
Okey-dokey.
531
00:38:13,250 --> 00:38:17,350
If you can dodge traffic,
you can dodge a ball.
532
00:38:21,150 --> 00:38:23,050
You got it, Gord.
533
00:38:28,050 --> 00:38:31,050
- I'm fine. I'm OK.
- OK, there.
534
00:38:38,050 --> 00:38:40,050
- Man.
- Wake up, Smithy.
535
00:38:45,950 --> 00:38:50,150
Hell, son. You're about as useful
as a cock-flavoured lollipop.
536
00:38:51,050 --> 00:38:53,350
Quick feet, fast hands.
537
00:38:53,550 --> 00:38:55,450
Catch it and throw.
538
00:38:56,150 --> 00:39:00,850
Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females.
539
00:39:04,750 --> 00:39:07,550
Jesus. Gimme that.
540
00:39:08,950 --> 00:39:12,050
You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.
541
00:39:12,250 --> 00:39:15,050
Where's your killer instinct?
You gotta get angry.
542
00:39:15,250 --> 00:39:18,750
You gotta get mean.
That's the only way you can play.
543
00:39:19,650 --> 00:39:22,250
I guess I'm not really an angry person.
544
00:39:26,650 --> 00:39:29,250
Are you angry now?
545
00:39:29,450 --> 00:39:34,150
- Breathe it out.
- Come on, let's get going here.
546
00:39:41,850 --> 00:39:43,750
Little help?
547
00:39:52,950 --> 00:39:55,750
What? Eight years of softball.
548
00:39:55,950 --> 00:39:59,550
- Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.
549
00:39:59,750 --> 00:40:02,350
All I know is that dyke can play.
550
00:40:14,150 --> 00:40:16,150
Come on, come on.
551
00:40:16,350 --> 00:40:18,850
- Please.
- We need you. You're really good.
552
00:40:19,050 --> 00:40:20,950
Owen'll be team manager if you play.
553
00:40:21,150 --> 00:40:22,650
- I will?
- Shut up.
554
00:40:22,850 --> 00:40:25,650
Look, I find White Goodman creepy,
just like you do...
555
00:40:25,850 --> 00:40:28,150
All the more reason for you to join us.
556
00:40:28,350 --> 00:40:31,550
Come on, Kate.
Time to put your mouth where our balls are.
557
00:40:31,750 --> 00:40:35,850
Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It'd be a conflict of interest.
558
00:40:36,550 --> 00:40:38,650
Suit yourself.
559
00:40:38,850 --> 00:40:42,450
All right, you heard Billie-Jean King.
No crying in the breast milk.
560
00:40:42,750 --> 00:40:44,850
We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.
561
00:40:48,750 --> 00:40:52,250
We punch the pizza dough down,
and it's time to sauce it up.
562
00:40:52,550 --> 00:40:54,550
Boy, is my mouth watering.
563
00:40:54,750 --> 00:40:58,050
You want to put a big dollop
of that tangy red on the dough,
564
00:40:58,250 --> 00:41:01,050
then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.
565
00:41:01,350 --> 00:41:03,350
Sir, I need you to take a look at...
566
00:41:03,450 --> 00:41:05,250
No. What...
567
00:41:05,450 --> 00:41:10,050
What...
What have I said about knocking?
568
00:41:10,350 --> 00:41:12,550
- Always knock.
- Sorry, sir.
569
00:41:12,750 --> 00:41:18,050
What is so important that you need to
interrupt me in my private reflection period?
570
00:41:18,850 --> 00:41:20,850
These.
571
00:41:24,950 --> 00:41:29,350
- They're getting better.
- Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell.
572
00:41:29,650 --> 00:41:33,950
I'm through playing games. It's time
to end this square dance once and for all.
573
00:41:34,250 --> 00:41:36,250
What about the girl? She can throw.
574
00:41:36,450 --> 00:41:40,350
I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.
575
00:41:40,650 --> 00:41:43,350
But rest assured, Me'Shell.
576
00:41:43,550 --> 00:41:48,850
There's no resisting when
White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.
577
00:42:10,050 --> 00:42:12,150
- Who is it?
- It's White.
578
00:42:14,850 --> 00:42:17,650
- Surprise.
- White.
579
00:42:19,150 --> 00:42:21,950
What... What are you doing here?
580
00:42:22,250 --> 00:42:24,550
How do you know where I live?
581
00:42:24,750 --> 00:42:26,850
It's called the Freedom of Information Act.
582
00:42:27,050 --> 00:42:30,650
The hippies finally got something right.
Just kiddin'. Not really.
583
00:42:30,850 --> 00:42:34,450
Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.
584
00:42:37,550 --> 00:42:39,550
- What is it?
- You're fired.
585
00:42:39,750 --> 00:42:41,350
- I'm what?
- You're fired.
586
00:42:41,450 --> 00:42:45,150
I told the bank that you were stealing
and drinking on the job. They bought it.
587
00:42:45,450 --> 00:42:48,550
They signed some other
pencil pusher to my account.
588
00:42:48,750 --> 00:42:50,950
Why would you do that?
589
00:42:51,650 --> 00:42:54,250
I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.
590
00:42:54,450 --> 00:42:57,350
- You fired me so I'd date you?
- Yuh-huh.
591
00:42:57,550 --> 00:43:00,250
You are a crazy little man.
592
00:43:00,450 --> 00:43:03,050
I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.
593
00:43:03,250 --> 00:43:05,250
Yeah. Nausea.
594
00:43:05,450 --> 00:43:08,750
If you don't leave in two seconds,
you'll know how that feels.
595
00:43:10,650 --> 00:43:13,350
You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.
596
00:43:14,450 --> 00:43:16,250
I can be naughty, too.
597
00:43:17,950 --> 00:43:20,350
Real, freakin' naughty.
598
00:43:22,050 --> 00:43:23,950
- You a naughty freak?
- Need help leaving?
599
00:43:26,250 --> 00:43:27,850
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
600
00:43:27,950 --> 00:43:31,150
Not nearly as much as your hair does.
That's for sure.
601
00:43:31,450 --> 00:43:35,150
But I believe she asked you to leave.
602
00:43:37,250 --> 00:43:41,750
I get it. You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.
603
00:43:42,050 --> 00:43:46,350
Pity. I'll let you have
your little moment, La Fleur,
604
00:43:46,650 --> 00:43:53,750
cos after this tournament, your gym,
your life and your gal are gonna be mine.
605
00:43:54,150 --> 00:43:56,250
All mine.
606
00:43:56,950 --> 00:43:58,850
To be continued...
607
00:43:59,050 --> 00:44:01,750
You don't get to touch me, ever.
608
00:44:01,950 --> 00:44:04,250
OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.
609
00:44:04,450 --> 00:44:07,950
Get off me.
Don't you touch me.
610
00:44:10,250 --> 00:44:13,150
It is over between us, Kate.
611
00:44:13,350 --> 00:44:16,250
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.
Nobody.
612
00:44:30,650 --> 00:44:33,950
- At least that wasn't weird.
- Yeah.
613
00:44:34,150 --> 00:44:36,950
- Do I smell cookies?
- Hey.
614
00:44:38,550 --> 00:44:40,850
Dear Barbara.
615
00:44:48,250 --> 00:44:50,150
I like unicorns.
616
00:44:52,950 --> 00:44:55,050
I know you said no to joining the team,
617
00:44:55,250 --> 00:44:58,950
but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favour to me.
618
00:44:59,250 --> 00:45:00,850
- Peter...
- Before you answer,
619
00:45:00,950 --> 00:45:03,450
you should know you'd have
your own changing room.
620
00:45:03,750 --> 00:45:05,850
- Really?
- Sort of.
621
00:45:07,150 --> 00:45:09,250
And there's also this.
622
00:45:10,250 --> 00:45:12,350
- OK, what's this?
- I overdid.
623
00:45:14,850 --> 00:45:18,350
Look at you. Two expired movie passes
624
00:45:18,650 --> 00:45:23,050
and a coupon for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.
625
00:45:23,350 --> 00:45:27,850
- Play your cards right, could be a full body.
- Will you just stop, please?
626
00:45:28,050 --> 00:45:31,850
I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.
627
00:45:32,150 --> 00:45:35,750
I just want to see White Goodman's face
when we win that tournament.
628
00:45:36,050 --> 00:45:38,250
- You're in?
- I'm in.
629
00:45:42,550 --> 00:45:47,250
Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand,
broken dreams and $5 lobster.
630
00:45:47,550 --> 00:45:51,150
A city where you can get a happy ending,
if you pay a little extra.
631
00:45:51,450 --> 00:45:54,650
A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup,
632
00:45:54,850 --> 00:45:59,150
World Series and World War II combined.
633
00:45:59,450 --> 00:46:03,550
Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open
634
00:46:03,850 --> 00:46:06,550
here on ESPN8- the "Ocho" -
635
00:46:06,750 --> 00:46:11,250
bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.
636
00:46:11,550 --> 00:46:14,850
If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.
637
00:46:15,150 --> 00:46:20,650
Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's
Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
638
00:46:20,950 --> 00:46:24,150
brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN8- the "Ocho".
639
00:46:24,350 --> 00:46:27,950
We're coming to you live from
the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.
640
00:46:28,250 --> 00:46:29,950
My name is Cotton McKnight
641
00:46:30,150 --> 00:46:33,850
and with me, as always,
is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.
642
00:46:34,050 --> 00:46:35,850
Yeah. Cotton, hey.
643
00:46:36,050 --> 00:46:41,250
Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means
four wins is gonna get you in the final match,
644
00:46:41,650 --> 00:46:44,950
the fifth win getting you
the 50K that everyone's chasing.
645
00:46:45,150 --> 00:46:46,150
Cotton.
646
00:46:46,250 --> 00:46:51,350
There's an electricity in the air,
a palpable hue of anticipation.
647
00:46:51,750 --> 00:46:55,150
Immortality - five simple victories away.
648
00:46:55,350 --> 00:46:59,950
They've come from all over - Kathmandu
to Timbuktu, and all points in-between -
649
00:47:00,250 --> 00:47:04,550
to compete in the one
true human test - dodgeball.
650
00:47:05,550 --> 00:47:08,050
A reminder.
All players must be vaccinated
651
00:47:08,250 --> 00:47:12,350
for cholera, syphilis and shingles
before play begins.
652
00:47:12,650 --> 00:47:16,950
Again, dyslexic players
will not be allowed on the court.
653
00:47:17,250 --> 00:47:21,450
Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor
for a first-round match.
654
00:47:21,750 --> 00:47:24,950
Only ADAA balls will be used.
655
00:47:25,150 --> 00:47:28,850
Personal balls of any kind
are strictly prohibited.
656
00:47:29,150 --> 00:47:31,550
- Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?
657
00:47:31,750 --> 00:47:36,150
Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.
658
00:47:36,450 --> 00:47:40,150
So I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.
659
00:47:40,450 --> 00:47:44,550
All right. Now we got our thing going on,
maybe we'll start smacking each other.
660
00:47:44,750 --> 00:47:46,750
I hope everything fits.
661
00:47:48,950 --> 00:47:51,450
- Wait.
- Nice.
662
00:47:51,650 --> 00:47:55,950
This isn't right.
This isn't what I ordered.
663
00:48:00,150 --> 00:48:03,750
- What's this?
- What the hell is that? This is screwed up.
664
00:48:04,750 --> 00:48:07,650
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Don't worry.
665
00:48:07,950 --> 00:48:10,050
- We'll play in what we've got on.
- We can't.
666
00:48:10,250 --> 00:48:12,850
ADAA rules require we wear
matching uniforms.
667
00:48:13,050 --> 00:48:17,050
I don't think they require
ass-less chaps, OK?
668
00:48:17,350 --> 00:48:22,350
Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty
of time to find other uniforms before we play.
669
00:48:22,650 --> 00:48:26,050
Ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game.
670
00:48:26,250 --> 00:48:29,950
Come on, let's go.
Let's see some movement. Chop-chop.
671
00:48:30,250 --> 00:48:32,150
I don't see any movement. Let's go.
672
00:48:42,750 --> 00:48:45,550
How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?
673
00:48:45,750 --> 00:48:49,450
- That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot.
- Right you are.
674
00:48:49,750 --> 00:48:52,150
Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.
675
00:48:52,350 --> 00:48:55,550
The reigning European champ
hopes to extend their empire here.
676
00:48:55,750 --> 00:48:57,750
Appeasement be damned.
677
00:48:57,950 --> 00:49:01,150
Here comes
the relatively unknown challengers,
678
00:49:01,450 --> 00:49:05,450
a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.
679
00:49:15,450 --> 00:49:17,550
My sweet Jesus.
680
00:49:18,650 --> 00:49:20,650
That's rad.
681
00:49:20,850 --> 00:49:23,550
Hey, asshole, you guys suck.
682
00:49:24,050 --> 00:49:26,550
Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.
683
00:49:26,750 --> 00:49:29,250
Hi. We're all here and
684
00:49:29,450 --> 00:49:31,350
we are ready to play.
685
00:49:34,250 --> 00:49:36,650
- OK.
- OK.
686
00:49:38,650 --> 00:49:42,650
We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's
squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.
687
00:49:42,950 --> 00:49:45,650
I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.
688
00:49:45,850 --> 00:49:47,750
Average Joe's, ready.
689
00:49:47,950 --> 00:49:49,850
Blitzkrieg, ready.
690
00:49:49,950 --> 00:49:51,250
Dodgeball.
691
00:49:51,450 --> 00:49:56,050
And we're under way. Average Joe's
versus the heavily favoured German team.
692
00:49:56,350 --> 00:50:00,050
Of course, SandM gear first made
popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,
693
00:50:00,350 --> 00:50:03,250
- from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit. You're out.
694
00:50:03,450 --> 00:50:08,050
Leather and latex belong in the bedroom,
not on the dodgeball court.
695
00:50:08,350 --> 00:50:13,550
Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.
696
00:50:14,250 --> 00:50:18,550
Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated
and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.
697
00:50:26,150 --> 00:50:28,650
This Average Joe's team
doesn't look up to snuff.
698
00:50:30,050 --> 00:50:33,350
Midline infraction.
You went over the line, you're out.
699
00:50:33,550 --> 00:50:35,950
The Average Joe's catches a break there.
700
00:50:36,150 --> 00:50:39,550
The Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defence.
701
00:50:39,850 --> 00:50:42,250
Good toss by the submissive out there.
702
00:50:42,450 --> 00:50:46,450
Just two players left for Joe...
Check that. Make it one.
703
00:50:46,750 --> 00:50:49,550
Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.
704
00:50:50,150 --> 00:50:53,850
It's all up to the only player
without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch.
705
00:50:55,150 --> 00:50:57,150
What a throw.
706
00:50:57,350 --> 00:50:59,350
Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.
707
00:50:59,550 --> 00:51:01,150
Yes.
708
00:51:01,350 --> 00:51:05,450
- Come on, Kate.
- You're the only man out there. Give it to 'em.
709
00:51:05,650 --> 00:51:10,650
Germans have a two-one advantage.
Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.
710
00:51:11,050 --> 00:51:15,450
How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo.
Now Joe's has the upper hand.
711
00:51:15,650 --> 00:51:17,550
- Great deflection.
- Take it to him.
712
00:51:17,750 --> 00:51:22,250
- He's ball-less now.
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton.
713
00:51:22,550 --> 00:51:25,350
Winner. Average Joe's.
714
00:51:26,950 --> 00:51:29,350
My sweet dick, it's magic.
715
00:51:29,550 --> 00:51:30,750
Hey, all right.
716
00:51:30,950 --> 00:51:36,350
My. The Germans losing in the first round
and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.
717
00:51:36,650 --> 00:51:39,250
I feel shocked.
718
00:51:48,150 --> 00:51:50,050
Losers.
719
00:52:01,450 --> 00:52:04,250
You must be Daddy.
720
00:52:04,850 --> 00:52:08,950
Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball
pundits and made it to tomorrow's round
721
00:52:09,150 --> 00:52:12,750
where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff,
the men from the boys,
722
00:52:13,050 --> 00:52:16,050
and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.
723
00:52:16,250 --> 00:52:19,350
Don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.
724
00:52:23,950 --> 00:52:27,350
- What the hell.
- That guy's a dickhead.
725
00:52:33,150 --> 00:52:35,650
You wanted to see me, Patches?
726
00:52:37,050 --> 00:52:40,650
You did good out there, real good.
You're a natural leader, La Fleur.
727
00:52:40,850 --> 00:52:43,750
Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
728
00:52:44,050 --> 00:52:46,450
Kate's not a muff-diver.
729
00:52:48,350 --> 00:52:50,250
Hey. That's for you.
730
00:52:51,850 --> 00:52:54,950
- I can't accept this.
- You're a hell of a player, Peter.
731
00:52:55,150 --> 00:52:57,450
You earned it.
732
00:52:57,650 --> 00:53:02,350
I've got some hookers in my room.
What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
733
00:53:02,650 --> 00:53:05,750
No, thanks, I'll just stick
with the scarf, but thank you.
734
00:53:06,050 --> 00:53:08,050
Suit yourself, queer.
735
00:53:18,350 --> 00:53:20,150
- Sorry.
- Justin?
736
00:53:20,250 --> 00:53:22,750
Amber.
Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?
737
00:53:22,950 --> 00:53:27,950
- The National Cheerleading Championships.
- Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome.
738
00:53:28,350 --> 00:53:32,050
- We're in the finals tomorrow. And you?
- I'm in the dodgeball tournament.
739
00:53:32,250 --> 00:53:36,850
These are my team-mates,
Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.
740
00:53:37,150 --> 00:53:39,250
This is Amber.
741
00:53:39,450 --> 00:53:41,550
Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.
742
00:53:41,750 --> 00:53:46,450
- Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man.
- Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.
743
00:53:46,750 --> 00:53:52,150
- It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow.
- And also you. You look healthy... good.
744
00:53:53,250 --> 00:53:54,750
What?
745
00:53:54,850 --> 00:53:57,750
Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.
746
00:53:58,050 --> 00:54:01,350
He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone.
747
00:54:01,550 --> 00:54:04,050
- Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just saying, it happens.
748
00:54:04,250 --> 00:54:06,750
My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead.
749
00:54:06,950 --> 00:54:08,050
Thanks, man.
750
00:54:12,750 --> 00:54:15,550
Let's huddle up here.
We've got some work to do.
751
00:54:15,750 --> 00:54:17,850
We got lucky in the first round.
752
00:54:18,050 --> 00:54:21,550
We caught those dirty Krauts napping,
but that won't happen again,
753
00:54:21,750 --> 00:54:25,750
so blow out the horse hockey
and remember what I taught you.
754
00:54:26,050 --> 00:54:32,250
Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low
and will someone catch a goddamned ball?
755
00:54:32,650 --> 00:54:37,150
It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there.
756
00:54:37,450 --> 00:54:41,150
Get it together.
Let's play some dodgeball.
757
00:54:41,350 --> 00:54:43,250
Hands in.
758
00:54:43,450 --> 00:54:45,350
One, two, three, Joe's.
759
00:54:47,250 --> 00:54:49,350
- Average Joe's ready?
- Yes.
760
00:54:49,550 --> 00:54:51,650
Lumberjacks, ready?
761
00:54:51,850 --> 00:54:52,750
Dodgeball.
762
00:54:52,850 --> 00:54:56,350
Average Joe's has a tough job,
facing the Lumberjacks.
763
00:54:56,650 --> 00:55:00,050
These woodsmen probably haven't
even smelt a woman in eight months.
764
00:55:00,250 --> 00:55:02,950
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
765
00:55:03,150 --> 00:55:05,750
- Clean hit. You're out.
- In the deer gut.
766
00:55:06,050 --> 00:55:08,850
- Average Joe's looking tough.
- Yes.
767
00:55:14,050 --> 00:55:16,550
There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.
768
00:55:18,950 --> 00:55:23,550
Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him.
That's all she wrote, folks.
769
00:55:23,850 --> 00:55:27,950
Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of
their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.
770
00:55:30,150 --> 00:55:32,850
Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb
on the Kamikazes.
771
00:55:33,150 --> 00:55:36,650
I don't know how they can play
in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
772
00:55:36,850 --> 00:55:38,150
Peekaboo.
773
00:55:38,450 --> 00:55:41,350
White Goodman, employing
his patented peekaboo-style attack,
774
00:55:41,550 --> 00:55:44,850
tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa
this is my dojo.
775
00:55:46,650 --> 00:55:49,750
Is he gonna feel it tomorrow?
Right in his beak.
776
00:55:49,950 --> 00:55:54,650
A relentless Globo Gym attack led by
their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.
777
00:55:55,050 --> 00:55:57,950
It's gotta be the hair. It's beautiful.
778
00:55:58,150 --> 00:56:02,450
Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.
779
00:56:03,850 --> 00:56:09,550
Globo Gym says, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto",
and breezes into the semifinals.
780
00:56:12,150 --> 00:56:15,650
Skillz That Killz, ready?
Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball.
781
00:56:15,850 --> 00:56:19,150
Average Joe's planning
to playa hate Skillz That Killz,
782
00:56:19,350 --> 00:56:21,650
the inner-city champs
for five years straight.
783
00:56:21,950 --> 00:56:26,450
Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing more dancing than dodgeballing.
784
00:56:26,650 --> 00:56:30,050
They better check themselves
before they wreck themselves.
785
00:56:30,350 --> 00:56:35,350
Right you are, partner.
Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.
786
00:56:36,350 --> 00:56:38,950
Winner. Average Joe's.
787
00:56:39,250 --> 00:56:43,950
And Average Joe's, not blinded by the
bling-bling, advances to the semifinal.
788
00:56:46,650 --> 00:56:51,050
Globo Gym's making mincemeat
of the Las Vegas Police Department.
789
00:56:51,350 --> 00:56:53,050
That's gotta hurt.
790
00:56:55,150 --> 00:56:56,950
B- b-b-bull's-eye.
791
00:56:57,150 --> 00:56:59,450
Winner. Globo Gym.
792
00:56:59,650 --> 00:57:04,450
Sportsmanship be darned.
Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,
793
00:57:04,750 --> 00:57:07,250
and they're going to the finals.
794
00:57:09,850 --> 00:57:13,950
The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.
795
00:57:14,250 --> 00:57:19,350
Itjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner
of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.
796
00:57:19,650 --> 00:57:21,650
Right in the testicles.
797
00:57:21,850 --> 00:57:24,250
Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro.
798
00:57:24,450 --> 00:57:27,550
Average Joe's down
to their final two players.
799
00:57:28,950 --> 00:57:31,150
La Fleur can't hold on.
He's gotta sit down.
800
00:57:31,350 --> 00:57:34,150
- Time out. Gordy.
- Time out. Time out.
801
00:57:34,850 --> 00:57:36,250
Time. Time is out.
802
00:57:36,450 --> 00:57:40,250
It looks like the clock is about to
strike midnight on this Cinderella story,
803
00:57:40,550 --> 00:57:43,150
turning Average Joe's
into the proverbial pumpkin.
804
00:57:43,350 --> 00:57:45,750
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
805
00:57:47,150 --> 00:57:50,550
You won't hit 'em. They're too good,
and you suck somethin' awful.
806
00:57:50,850 --> 00:57:54,350
- Yes, sir. I do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry.
807
00:57:54,550 --> 00:57:58,150
- Roger that. OK.
- All right. Hands in.
808
00:57:58,450 --> 00:58:00,750
- One, two, three.
- Joe's.
809
00:58:01,650 --> 00:58:04,550
You gotta get angry. Get angry now.
810
00:58:04,850 --> 00:58:09,450
Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars.
It's all over but the crying.
811
00:58:09,750 --> 00:58:13,050
Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye.
812
00:58:26,450 --> 00:58:29,750
- Dodgeball.
- Let the dodgeball slaughter begin.
813
00:58:30,050 --> 00:58:31,850
Good deflection there.
814
00:58:32,050 --> 00:58:34,150
Hang on. And another one.
815
00:58:34,350 --> 00:58:36,850
Three balls at once. Who knew?
816
00:58:37,450 --> 00:58:39,850
Four on one.
Pibb won't go down without a fight.
817
00:58:40,050 --> 00:58:42,350
That's it.
818
00:58:42,550 --> 00:58:45,550
- You're kidding me.
- He's callin' 'em out.
819
00:58:46,550 --> 00:58:48,550
Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?
820
00:58:48,650 --> 00:58:53,350
- Go, you crazy son of a bitch. Go.
- He's on the warpath.
821
00:58:55,750 --> 00:58:58,250
Incredible. It's one on one.
822
00:58:58,450 --> 00:59:02,050
- I can't believe it.
- It's just not believable, Cotton.
823
00:59:10,450 --> 00:59:11,450
Winner.
824
00:59:11,850 --> 00:59:14,950
Average Joe's wins.
825
00:59:15,150 --> 00:59:19,950
They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000.
826
00:59:20,250 --> 00:59:23,950
- That'll buy one heck of a pumpkin.
- Right you are, Pep.
827
00:59:24,250 --> 00:59:26,650
I never would have dreamed it possible.
828
00:59:26,850 --> 00:59:31,250
But with seven-time ADAA All-Star
Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,
829
00:59:31,550 --> 00:59:34,250
I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.
830
00:59:38,450 --> 00:59:42,350
Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards.
831
00:59:42,550 --> 00:59:43,350
Yeah.
832
00:59:43,550 --> 00:59:47,850
- You really think we can beat Globo Gym?
- As long as we got Patches, we got a shot.
833
00:59:55,050 --> 00:59:56,250
My God.
834
00:59:57,150 --> 01:00:00,950
Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.
835
01:00:01,250 --> 01:00:04,550
- What?
- What are we gonna do without Patches?
836
01:00:04,850 --> 01:00:06,950
We're gonna get our taints handed to us.
837
01:00:07,050 --> 01:00:09,950
- What's a taint?
- I dunno. Sounds bad.
838
01:00:11,350 --> 01:00:14,450
Maybe you should
go say something to the guys.
839
01:00:14,750 --> 01:00:15,850
Yeah.
840
01:00:15,950 --> 01:00:22,350
They don't make a "sorry your coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.
841
01:00:24,150 --> 01:00:26,550
I'll be right back.
842
01:00:37,450 --> 01:00:38,850
What?
843
01:00:39,050 --> 01:00:44,050
We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico
City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.
844
01:00:46,450 --> 01:00:49,750
Me'Shell was having some digestive
problems. I hope you don't mind.
845
01:00:49,950 --> 01:00:52,150
Will you shut that?
846
01:00:52,350 --> 01:00:54,950
For all of us, baby.
847
01:00:57,650 --> 01:01:03,250
So that's the deal. I give you $100,000,
you sign over the deed to your gym.
848
01:01:03,650 --> 01:01:05,350
Period.
849
01:01:05,450 --> 01:01:07,450
End o'story.
850
01:01:07,650 --> 01:01:12,750
You really think you can come here and buy
me out, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
851
01:01:13,050 --> 01:01:18,450
Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought I'd think that I thought I was once.
852
01:01:18,850 --> 01:01:21,950
Look, Peter, I know what it's like.
853
01:01:22,150 --> 01:01:26,550
Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth,
we're really pretty much the same guy.
854
01:01:26,850 --> 01:01:30,350
We're both leaders. And I like
what you've done with the gym over there.
855
01:01:30,650 --> 01:01:35,350
I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK,
but that's OK" thing you got going.
856
01:01:35,650 --> 01:01:38,850
"You can be fat as long as
you're happy inside. " It works.
857
01:01:39,050 --> 01:01:42,350
And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.
858
01:01:42,550 --> 01:01:44,450
You're their Fonzie, Pete.
859
01:01:44,650 --> 01:01:46,850
"Hey. " Right?
860
01:01:49,050 --> 01:01:54,350
But do you really think it's fair for them
to put all that pressure on you? All the time?
861
01:01:55,650 --> 01:01:58,850
Looking to you to solve their every problem?
862
01:01:59,050 --> 01:02:00,550
I mean, come on.
863
01:02:00,750 --> 01:02:04,750
I know you. You know you.
864
01:02:05,050 --> 01:02:07,950
And I know you know that I know you.
865
01:02:08,150 --> 01:02:10,550
You're heading for a fall, Pete.
866
01:02:10,750 --> 01:02:14,050
Sooner or later,
Average Joe's is gonna close.
867
01:02:14,250 --> 01:02:18,250
And when it does, they're gonna blame you.
868
01:02:20,050 --> 01:02:23,850
I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000,
except maybe in the movies.
869
01:02:24,050 --> 01:02:27,850
But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.
870
01:02:31,050 --> 01:02:34,950
Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.
871
01:02:37,050 --> 01:02:38,750
Take the money.
872
01:02:39,550 --> 01:02:44,250
Invest it in something.
Give it to charity, I don't care.
873
01:02:51,350 --> 01:02:53,350
Just sign the contract.
874
01:02:58,950 --> 01:03:01,750
Come on, guys. We got Peter.
875
01:03:01,950 --> 01:03:05,950
And they got guys named Laser and Blazer
and Taser, and all kinds of asers.
876
01:03:06,250 --> 01:03:09,650
Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.
877
01:03:10,950 --> 01:03:12,950
Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri.
878
01:03:13,050 --> 01:03:15,550
- Thanks, Ms Veatch.
- Nothing for me.
879
01:03:15,850 --> 01:03:19,950
- Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter.
- Let's not talk about tomorrow.
880
01:03:20,150 --> 01:03:23,450
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. It's a little complicated.
881
01:03:23,750 --> 01:03:26,750
- But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah. Come on, tell us.
882
01:03:26,950 --> 01:03:28,150
What's the plan?
883
01:03:28,350 --> 01:03:31,450
What do you guys want from me?
I don't have a plan for you.
884
01:03:31,650 --> 01:03:35,650
We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow
and we're probably gonna lose.
885
01:03:35,950 --> 01:03:41,350
It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that
through your head, the easier this will all be.
886
01:03:43,050 --> 01:03:45,550
Jesus Christ.
887
01:03:46,050 --> 01:03:48,150
He didn't mean that.
888
01:03:48,350 --> 01:03:52,450
- Is he being serious?
- He's probably just stressed out.
889
01:03:52,750 --> 01:03:55,450
I've never seen him like that.
890
01:03:57,650 --> 01:04:01,350
Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter...
891
01:04:01,550 --> 01:04:03,950
You are not a pirate.
892
01:04:11,750 --> 01:04:16,250
OK, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow, right?
893
01:04:24,050 --> 01:04:25,850
Dwight...
894
01:04:26,050 --> 01:04:30,850
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink...
895
01:04:31,150 --> 01:04:32,850
in the bathroom.
896
01:04:33,050 --> 01:04:35,550
Whatever you do, wash your hands.
897
01:04:46,050 --> 01:04:48,650
Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if...
898
01:04:48,850 --> 01:04:51,350
You are the one who stares at me.
899
01:04:51,550 --> 01:04:53,750
Why is this?
900
01:04:53,950 --> 01:04:58,350
Because I think you're
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
901
01:05:04,950 --> 01:05:07,250
Watch it, freak.
902
01:05:20,050 --> 01:05:22,350
Go back to Treasure Island.
903
01:05:22,550 --> 01:05:24,850
Fag.
904
01:05:25,050 --> 01:05:27,050
Screw you.
905
01:05:39,450 --> 01:05:43,150
Katie, bar the door.
It's time for the championship match
906
01:05:43,450 --> 01:05:45,750
here on ESPN8- the "Ocho".
907
01:05:45,950 --> 01:05:49,850
We've seen it all here, folks.
Grit, determination, incontinence.
908
01:05:50,150 --> 01:05:52,650
And it's all come down to this -
a Cinderella story.
909
01:05:52,850 --> 01:05:57,350
Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to
drive their vorpal blade snicker-snack
910
01:05:57,650 --> 01:06:01,550
into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky
that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras,
911
01:06:01,750 --> 01:06:05,450
and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.
912
01:06:05,750 --> 01:06:09,650
Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for.
913
01:06:09,950 --> 01:06:13,650
A David-and-Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.
914
01:06:13,850 --> 01:06:17,750
The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN8- the "Ocho".
915
01:06:20,650 --> 01:06:22,250
Peter?
916
01:06:24,750 --> 01:06:26,250
Peter?
917
01:06:26,350 --> 01:06:28,850
Hello?
918
01:06:29,150 --> 01:06:30,450
Peter?
919
01:06:30,550 --> 01:06:33,250
Come on, everybody headed down...
920
01:06:42,850 --> 01:06:44,650
So what happens on a double fault?
921
01:06:44,850 --> 01:06:50,050
On a double fault you go to sudden-death
elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113-D.
922
01:06:50,350 --> 01:06:52,950
- Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up.
923
01:06:57,050 --> 01:06:58,450
Justin.
924
01:06:58,650 --> 01:07:02,650
- I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Really? I mean, why? What's up?
925
01:07:02,850 --> 01:07:06,750
Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.
926
01:07:07,050 --> 01:07:08,450
My God, that's awful.
927
01:07:08,650 --> 01:07:12,050
We were the centre Kewpie. With no
centre Kewpie we can't do our routine.
928
01:07:12,250 --> 01:07:15,150
- No. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.
929
01:07:15,350 --> 01:07:16,950
What?
930
01:07:17,150 --> 01:07:19,150
No, no, no, no, no. I can't.
931
01:07:19,350 --> 01:07:23,050
Please. You are the only one in Las Vegas
who knows our routine.
932
01:07:23,350 --> 01:07:28,650
- The dodgeball championship's at noon.
- You'll be back in time. I promise.
933
01:07:31,950 --> 01:07:33,550
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes.
934
01:07:33,750 --> 01:07:35,750
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No. No time.
935
01:07:35,950 --> 01:07:37,550
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No time.
936
01:07:39,450 --> 01:07:44,250
Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today.
No one is giving them much of a chance.
937
01:07:44,550 --> 01:07:46,250
What do you think, Pep?
938
01:07:46,450 --> 01:07:48,550
I spoke to White Goodman before the match
939
01:07:48,750 --> 01:07:53,650
and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.
940
01:07:53,950 --> 01:07:57,150
Right. And the stage is set for
Darwin's cruellest play to unfold.
941
01:07:57,450 --> 01:08:01,050
So don't go anywhere, folks.
The Schadenfreude is about to begin.
942
01:08:01,250 --> 01:08:05,450
- I don't understand. Why would Peter leave?
- He knows we're gonna get killed.
943
01:08:05,750 --> 01:08:10,750
Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter
left, but we can do this without him.
944
01:08:11,050 --> 01:08:14,150
We just have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.
945
01:08:14,450 --> 01:08:17,750
- OK, yeah.
- Great. But we'll still be two players short.
946
01:08:17,950 --> 01:08:21,850
We're still missing the teenage love-puppy
and Steve the Pirate.
947
01:08:22,150 --> 01:08:24,450
Who's Steve the Pirate?
948
01:08:24,650 --> 01:08:28,350
The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.
949
01:08:28,550 --> 01:08:32,550
Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?
950
01:08:34,450 --> 01:08:41,850
And now, let's hear it for the West Davenport
High School Charging Donkeys.
951
01:08:42,250 --> 01:08:44,250
Donkeys.
952
01:09:08,950 --> 01:09:10,450
Go, Donkeys.
953
01:09:13,450 --> 01:09:16,350
- We did it.
- Holy cow. My God.
954
01:09:16,550 --> 01:09:19,750
- It was perfect. You were perfect.
- God, I gotta go.
955
01:09:19,950 --> 01:09:22,150
Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy?
956
01:09:22,350 --> 01:09:24,950
I'm sorry, Amber.
I got my own trophy to win.
957
01:09:41,850 --> 01:09:44,250
Now I'm going.
958
01:09:49,350 --> 01:09:53,850
Here come the Purple Cobras,
led by White Goodman. All business.
959
01:09:54,150 --> 01:09:57,550
We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.
They haven't made it to the court.
960
01:09:57,850 --> 01:10:01,250
It could be a psychological ploy,
or something worse.
961
01:10:01,450 --> 01:10:05,650
They're definitely not on the court, Cotton.
Their absence is noticeable.
962
01:10:05,950 --> 01:10:10,550
We'll be right back
after these words from our sponsors...
963
01:10:12,450 --> 01:10:14,750
Can I get a bottle of water?
964
01:10:17,350 --> 01:10:19,550
Aren't you Peter La Fleur?
965
01:10:20,650 --> 01:10:24,250
- Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
966
01:10:24,550 --> 01:10:28,250
- Really?
- Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball.
967
01:10:28,450 --> 01:10:33,250
I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.
968
01:10:34,150 --> 01:10:37,450
I think you better hurry up
or you're gonna be late.
969
01:10:37,650 --> 01:10:41,950
- Actually, I decided to quit, Lance.
- Quit?
970
01:10:42,950 --> 01:10:48,750
Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain,
lung and testicular cancer at the same time.
971
01:10:49,750 --> 01:10:52,450
But with the support of my friends
I got back on the bike
972
01:10:52,650 --> 01:10:55,250
and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.
973
01:10:55,450 --> 01:10:59,250
But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.
974
01:10:59,550 --> 01:11:02,950
What are you dying from
that's keepin' you from the finals?
975
01:11:03,150 --> 01:11:07,150
Right now, it feels a little bit like shame.
976
01:11:07,450 --> 01:11:13,050
If people never quit when the going got tough
they'd have nothing to regret all their lives.
977
01:11:13,450 --> 01:11:18,250
Good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.
978
01:11:24,850 --> 01:11:28,750
Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy. "
979
01:11:29,050 --> 01:11:33,050
- No. Not ringing any bells.
- Forget it, man.
980
01:11:33,350 --> 01:11:37,450
We'll play with four people. It's not
an advantage. Can't you bend the rules?
981
01:11:37,750 --> 01:11:41,950
There's nothing I can do. Rules are rules.
You don't have enough players.
982
01:11:42,150 --> 01:11:46,050
Inform the committee and Mr Goodman
about Average Joe's forfeit.
983
01:11:46,350 --> 01:11:49,450
- Yes, sir.
- Better luck next year.
984
01:11:51,250 --> 01:11:52,750
Excuse me.
985
01:11:52,950 --> 01:11:56,250
Sorry I'm late. You won't believe
whatjust happened. Hey, guys.
986
01:11:56,450 --> 01:11:59,150
You're just in time to help us forfeit.
987
01:11:59,350 --> 01:12:01,350
Forfeit? Why?
988
01:12:03,350 --> 01:12:06,450
Well, I don't know what to tell you, but...
989
01:12:06,650 --> 01:12:10,450
Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough players
990
01:12:10,750 --> 01:12:13,550
and will be forfeiting
the championship match.
991
01:12:13,750 --> 01:12:16,750
It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
992
01:12:17,050 --> 01:12:22,450
To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre
presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor.
993
01:12:22,750 --> 01:12:26,450
Ladies and gentlemen,
by the power vested in me
994
01:12:26,750 --> 01:12:31,750
by our governing body, the American
Dodgeball Association of America,
995
01:12:32,050 --> 01:12:36,550
and in concurrence with our sponsors,
Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks,
996
01:12:36,850 --> 01:12:38,850
it gives me great pleasure
997
01:12:39,050 --> 01:12:43,750
to declare the winner of this year's
Las Vegas International Tournament to be...
998
01:12:44,050 --> 01:12:46,250
Wait. He's here.
999
01:12:50,750 --> 01:12:53,350
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
1000
01:12:53,650 --> 01:12:55,750
We're ready to play, Your Honour.
1001
01:12:55,850 --> 01:13:00,550
Too late. Your lovable band of losers already
forfeited. The trophy and money are mine.
1002
01:13:00,950 --> 01:13:04,250
He's right. The team already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.
1003
01:13:04,450 --> 01:13:07,050
Facial, La Fleur. Total facial.
1004
01:13:08,350 --> 01:13:10,150
Actually, that's not true.
1005
01:13:10,250 --> 01:13:14,350
The committee can overrule the chancellor -
that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote.
1006
01:13:14,650 --> 01:13:16,850
He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.
1007
01:13:19,150 --> 01:13:21,650
- It's a bylaw.
- What's a bylaw?
1008
01:13:22,750 --> 01:13:26,150
- Hang on a second here, folks.
- Let them play.
1009
01:13:26,450 --> 01:13:30,250
We mightjust have a championship game yet.
1010
01:13:30,550 --> 01:13:33,450
Listen to this crowd.
1011
01:13:33,650 --> 01:13:35,750
Unbelievable.
1012
01:13:35,950 --> 01:13:41,050
Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but
the committee members have the final say.
1013
01:13:41,350 --> 01:13:44,450
And it looks like they've
come to a decision.
1014
01:13:44,650 --> 01:13:47,350
Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play.
1015
01:13:47,650 --> 01:13:50,850
- There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's.
- Please.
1016
01:13:51,050 --> 01:13:54,150
- Let's see how our second judge votes.
- Thank you.
1017
01:13:54,350 --> 01:14:01,150
Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their
fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.
1018
01:14:01,550 --> 01:14:04,950
Thumbs up. Average Joe's can play.
1019
01:14:05,250 --> 01:14:08,350
That is pure poppycock.
You're gonna let them do that?
1020
01:14:08,550 --> 01:14:11,950
- Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.
1021
01:14:13,850 --> 01:14:17,350
All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match.
1022
01:14:17,650 --> 01:14:19,650
Good luck, White.
1023
01:14:21,150 --> 01:14:24,250
Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur.
1024
01:14:24,550 --> 01:14:27,850
Prepare to be humiliated
on cable television.
1025
01:14:28,050 --> 01:14:30,050
Whatever.
1026
01:14:32,150 --> 01:14:35,150
- Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
1027
01:14:35,350 --> 01:14:38,150
What? I got a plan.
1028
01:14:40,250 --> 01:14:46,050
Let's play smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover
closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto?
1029
01:14:46,450 --> 01:14:48,550
- "Aim low".
- That's right.
1030
01:14:48,750 --> 01:14:51,550
All I'm asking is that
you give it your best for Patches.
1031
01:14:51,750 --> 01:14:55,850
I say we go out there, let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.
1032
01:14:56,150 --> 01:14:58,750
I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
1033
01:14:58,950 --> 01:15:02,750
- Put 'em in. One, two, three.
- Joe's.
1034
01:15:26,550 --> 01:15:28,750
Globo Gym, ready?
1035
01:15:28,950 --> 01:15:31,750
Average Joe's, ready?
1036
01:15:34,150 --> 01:15:35,050
Dodgeball.
1037
01:15:35,250 --> 01:15:40,550
Championship match is under way.
Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath.
1038
01:15:41,950 --> 01:15:44,550
Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.
1039
01:15:46,050 --> 01:15:49,150
White Goodman's hit,
but that ball's up for grabs. And...
1040
01:15:49,350 --> 01:15:51,250
- It's caught.
- That's a catch.
1041
01:15:51,450 --> 01:15:54,850
- You're out, La Fleur.
- Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down.
1042
01:15:55,150 --> 01:15:58,250
And Joe's has lost
their two best players early.
1043
01:15:58,750 --> 01:16:00,850
Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard.
1044
01:16:01,050 --> 01:16:03,550
Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome.
1045
01:16:03,750 --> 01:16:05,650
You're mine next time.
1046
01:16:09,050 --> 01:16:13,850
Right in the tokus.
2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating.
1047
01:16:18,150 --> 01:16:20,450
- Hi.
- Hey.
1048
01:16:22,550 --> 01:16:25,150
- You're out.
- I don't know what that was,
1049
01:16:25,350 --> 01:16:29,950
but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.
1050
01:16:30,250 --> 01:16:33,150
Joe's gets an elimination.
It's two on three.
1051
01:16:33,350 --> 01:16:34,850
Get out.
1052
01:16:35,050 --> 01:16:37,350
Gordo. Lose your temper. Get mad.
1053
01:16:39,450 --> 01:16:43,450
White Goodman with a catch. Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.
1054
01:16:43,750 --> 01:16:45,450
You're out, four-eyes.
1055
01:16:45,550 --> 01:16:49,750
Well, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest
member. He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.
1056
01:16:50,050 --> 01:16:51,750
Word, Cotton.
1057
01:16:51,950 --> 01:16:57,050
Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid
mongoose wouldn't have a chance now.
1058
01:16:57,350 --> 01:16:59,950
- Nice dodge.
- Stay alive. Stay alive.
1059
01:17:02,150 --> 01:17:04,450
They're just toying with the young man now.
1060
01:17:04,650 --> 01:17:07,550
He's gotta avoid getting hit.
That's the key.
1061
01:17:07,750 --> 01:17:09,450
Justin, let's go.
1062
01:17:10,850 --> 01:17:12,250
What a great catch.
1063
01:17:12,350 --> 01:17:15,650
And another.
Peter La Fleur comes back into the game.
1064
01:17:15,950 --> 01:17:19,750
Just like that, a three-player swing.
Joe's isn't done yet.
1065
01:17:19,950 --> 01:17:21,550
Justin.
1066
01:17:21,750 --> 01:17:24,150
I love you.
1067
01:17:24,350 --> 01:17:26,150
I love you t...
1068
01:17:26,950 --> 01:17:28,950
Joanie loves Chachi.
1069
01:17:29,150 --> 01:17:32,750
Two players left on each side.
What a match. What a sport.
1070
01:17:33,550 --> 01:17:38,950
Throw out the rule book, folks,
it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball.
1071
01:17:40,950 --> 01:17:44,650
Look out. La Fleur goes down -
he's a sitting duck.
1072
01:17:49,950 --> 01:17:55,850
How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the
bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice.
1073
01:17:56,150 --> 01:18:00,850
As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.
1074
01:18:01,850 --> 01:18:04,350
A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.
1075
01:18:04,650 --> 01:18:09,150
- That's court misconduct. That's a warning.
- Come on. Gimme a break.
1076
01:18:10,450 --> 01:18:11,950
- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
1077
01:18:12,150 --> 01:18:14,550
- Jesus. Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
1078
01:18:14,750 --> 01:18:17,750
- It was an accident. I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.
1079
01:18:17,950 --> 01:18:20,850
We're sweating like greased monkeys.
I can't hold on to a ball.
1080
01:18:21,050 --> 01:18:24,150
Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You gotta get off the court.
1081
01:18:24,450 --> 01:18:26,150
Watch him, man.
1082
01:18:26,250 --> 01:18:28,450
- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?
1083
01:18:28,650 --> 01:18:30,350
Kick his ass.
1084
01:18:31,050 --> 01:18:34,050
- Here's the restart.
- Players, to your positions.
1085
01:18:34,350 --> 01:18:38,650
Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a m�nage � trois of pain.
1086
01:18:38,950 --> 01:18:42,550
Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.
1087
01:18:44,650 --> 01:18:48,250
You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.
1088
01:18:48,450 --> 01:18:50,650
Ready? Dodgeball.
1089
01:18:50,850 --> 01:18:55,750
It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks.
Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot.
1090
01:18:59,450 --> 01:19:01,850
He gets the elimination.
1091
01:19:03,150 --> 01:19:08,650
My. Globo Gym wins.
A Cinderella story cast asunder.
1092
01:19:09,050 --> 01:19:13,050
Average Joe's has come all this way
for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
1093
01:19:13,350 --> 01:19:15,950
They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.
1094
01:19:17,150 --> 01:19:21,150
No elimination. Double fault.
You stepped over the line on the throw.
1095
01:19:21,450 --> 01:19:25,250
What? You gotta be out of your mind.
That is the worst call I've ever seen.
1096
01:19:25,550 --> 01:19:29,750
I'm out here busting my butt and you come in
with a bush-league call like that? Bullcrap.
1097
01:19:29,950 --> 01:19:34,750
ADAA Continuation Rule 113-D, sir.
Sudden death.
1098
01:19:35,150 --> 01:19:36,550
All right. Bring it.
1099
01:19:36,650 --> 01:19:39,950
I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death.
1100
01:19:40,250 --> 01:19:41,950
Well, let me tell you,
1101
01:19:42,050 --> 01:19:47,550
a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't
occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919,
1102
01:19:47,950 --> 01:19:50,650
and I think we all remember
how that turned out.
1103
01:19:50,850 --> 01:19:57,150
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest
happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball.
1104
01:19:57,550 --> 01:19:59,850
Pepper needs new shorts.
1105
01:20:02,050 --> 01:20:05,150
White, Peter, this is sudden death.
1106
01:20:05,650 --> 01:20:11,050
Only striking an opposing player eliminates
them. Catching the ball does nothing.
1107
01:20:11,350 --> 01:20:15,150
Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.
1108
01:20:15,450 --> 01:20:19,950
You may throw any time after my call.
Understood?
1109
01:20:21,050 --> 01:20:24,750
OK. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.
1110
01:20:25,450 --> 01:20:28,150
This is it, La Loser.
1111
01:20:29,850 --> 01:20:33,350
You ready for the hurricane?
1112
01:20:34,650 --> 01:20:38,150
Just don't go cryin' to mama when
I spank you in front of all these people.
1113
01:20:39,550 --> 01:20:44,350
You don't go crying to your daddy
after I wipe it up with your face.
1114
01:20:46,250 --> 01:20:49,050
- White?
- Yeah?
1115
01:20:49,250 --> 01:20:53,650
- You look awful fat in those pants.
- Players, to your positions.
1116
01:20:53,950 --> 01:20:57,550
This is about gamesmanship.
Throw early and you're defenceless.
1117
01:20:57,750 --> 01:21:03,550
Throw late and you're eliminated.
Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.
1118
01:21:03,950 --> 01:21:06,950
This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.
1119
01:21:07,150 --> 01:21:10,050
Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A.
1120
01:21:12,050 --> 01:21:14,050
Come on, talk to me.
1121
01:21:15,750 --> 01:21:17,950
Listen up, crotch stain.
1122
01:21:18,150 --> 01:21:22,350
Remember your training
and trust your instincts.
1123
01:21:22,550 --> 01:21:25,150
You can do it. I believe in you.
1124
01:21:28,250 --> 01:21:29,950
Bye-bye.
1125
01:21:30,050 --> 01:21:31,050
Right.
1126
01:21:31,250 --> 01:21:34,050
Players, turn and step in.
1127
01:21:49,950 --> 01:21:52,450
What the hell's he doing?
1128
01:21:52,650 --> 01:21:55,150
I don't know.
1129
01:21:57,450 --> 01:21:58,550
Get a load of this guy.
1130
01:21:58,650 --> 01:22:02,350
In 23 years of broadcasting
I thought I'd seen it all, folks.
1131
01:22:02,650 --> 01:22:06,350
But it looks like Peter La Fleur
has actually blindfolded himself.
1132
01:22:06,550 --> 01:22:09,250
He will not be able
to see very well, Cotton.
1133
01:22:18,850 --> 01:22:21,350
Ready?
1134
01:22:26,250 --> 01:22:28,650
Dodgeball.
1135
01:22:34,750 --> 01:22:36,950
Goodbye, Peter.
1136
01:22:37,150 --> 01:22:39,850
I always knew you were weak.
1137
01:22:43,450 --> 01:22:46,150
Air Goodman, comin' at ya.
1138
01:22:54,150 --> 01:22:57,150
Down goes Goodman.
Down goes Goodman.
1139
01:22:57,350 --> 01:23:00,550
Winner. Average Joe's.
1140
01:23:04,150 --> 01:23:07,650
Do you believe in unlikelihoods?
1141
01:23:07,850 --> 01:23:10,950
Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world
1142
01:23:11,250 --> 01:23:15,350
and upsetting Globo Gym
in the championship match.
1143
01:23:15,650 --> 01:23:16,950
Unbelievable.
1144
01:23:17,050 --> 01:23:21,250
I have been to the Great Wall of China.
I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt.
1145
01:23:21,550 --> 01:23:24,050
I've even witnessed a grown man
satisfy a camel.
1146
01:23:24,250 --> 01:23:26,450
But never in all my years as a sportscaster
1147
01:23:26,650 --> 01:23:31,650
have I witnessed something as improbable,
as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.
1148
01:23:31,950 --> 01:23:36,550
The little team that could, Average Joe's
Gymnasium, underdogs throughout,
1149
01:23:36,850 --> 01:23:41,450
stand before us, aglow,
as true dodgeball champions.
1150
01:23:41,750 --> 01:23:46,250
On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America,
1151
01:23:46,550 --> 01:23:50,850
it is my honour to present to you
this cheque for $50,000.
1152
01:23:57,350 --> 01:24:00,250
What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.
1153
01:24:00,450 --> 01:24:04,750
You signed your gym over to me last night,
remember? You lost, I won.
1154
01:24:05,050 --> 01:24:07,150
Suck failure, freaks.
1155
01:24:07,350 --> 01:24:10,450
Peter, is that true?
1156
01:24:10,650 --> 01:24:12,550
Yeah, it's true.
1157
01:24:12,750 --> 01:24:15,950
It's true I sold Average Joe's to White.
1158
01:24:16,150 --> 01:24:18,450
It's true that every man has his price.
1159
01:24:18,650 --> 01:24:23,450
And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.
1160
01:24:23,750 --> 01:24:27,950
- Now he's a philosophiser.
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.
1161
01:24:29,350 --> 01:24:31,650
Your winnings, Mr La Fleur.
Congratulations.
1162
01:24:31,850 --> 01:24:35,650
- Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you.
- What is that? What winnings?
1163
01:24:35,850 --> 01:24:40,350
Gosh, I totally forgot to tell you. I took the
$100,000 bribe that you gave me last night,
1164
01:24:40,650 --> 01:24:43,550
and I put it on us to win.
We were going off at 50-1.
1165
01:24:43,850 --> 01:24:47,150
Anyone? Top of your head?
What's 50 times $100,000?
1166
01:24:47,350 --> 01:24:48,650
$50,000?
1167
01:24:48,850 --> 01:24:52,750
$5 million. Peter, are you kidding me?
1168
01:24:52,950 --> 01:24:55,050
Surprise.
1169
01:24:58,550 --> 01:25:03,450
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell
you your gym back for all King Midas's silver.
1170
01:25:03,750 --> 01:25:08,350
The gym is mine. So you can take your band
of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here.
1171
01:25:08,650 --> 01:25:11,550
You're right. I can't make you
sell Average Joe's to me.
1172
01:25:11,750 --> 01:25:15,350
So I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.
1173
01:25:15,650 --> 01:25:19,750
- Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
- That's preposterous. I'd never allow it.
1174
01:25:19,950 --> 01:25:23,550
Globo Gym is a publicly traded company.
There's nothing you can do about it.
1175
01:25:23,850 --> 01:25:29,050
So I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns,
1176
01:25:29,350 --> 01:25:33,350
which, as of last night,
is Average Joe's Gym.
1177
01:25:34,850 --> 01:25:36,250
I'm your new boss, White.
1178
01:25:36,450 --> 01:25:39,750
You can't be my boss. Nobody can.
I'm my own boss. I created myself.
1179
01:25:40,050 --> 01:25:43,050
- You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me.
1180
01:25:43,750 --> 01:25:46,650
You're going down, La Fleur,
like a sweet muffin.
1181
01:25:46,850 --> 01:25:50,350
- Another time, another time.
- You suck, La Fleur.
1182
01:25:52,450 --> 01:25:54,450
Give me that.
1183
01:25:57,450 --> 01:25:59,850
Man, the blindfold was crazy.
1184
01:26:01,450 --> 01:26:03,950
Peter.
1185
01:26:04,150 --> 01:26:06,550
Look. It's Steve the Pirate.
1186
01:26:10,350 --> 01:26:15,350
I just wanted to tell you
that I thought about what you said, and
1187
01:26:16,650 --> 01:26:18,950
I guess you're right.
1188
01:26:19,150 --> 01:26:21,350
I'm not really a pirate.
1189
01:26:22,750 --> 01:26:25,250
I don't know, Steve.
1190
01:26:25,450 --> 01:26:27,550
If you're not a pirate,
1191
01:26:27,750 --> 01:26:31,450
who the hell am I gonna split
all that buried treasure with?
1192
01:26:36,750 --> 01:26:38,550
Peter...
1193
01:26:38,750 --> 01:26:40,550
Gar, Steve.
1194
01:26:46,150 --> 01:26:47,750
We missed you.
1195
01:26:50,750 --> 01:26:52,350
Hey, you.
1196
01:26:52,550 --> 01:26:54,550
Hey, you.
1197
01:26:56,350 --> 01:26:58,350
- Joyce?
- Kate.
1198
01:26:58,850 --> 01:27:03,150
- I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an early flight. I wouldn't miss this.
1199
01:27:03,450 --> 01:27:05,650
You are amazing.
1200
01:27:09,350 --> 01:27:13,750
- I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.
1201
01:27:14,450 --> 01:27:17,450
Hey. I'm not a lesbian.
1202
01:27:17,650 --> 01:27:19,150
You're not?
1203
01:27:19,350 --> 01:27:20,850
No.
1204
01:27:21,050 --> 01:27:23,350
I'm bisexual.
1205
01:27:25,050 --> 01:27:26,850
Snap.
1206
01:27:27,650 --> 01:27:31,050
All right, everybody. Smile big.
1207
01:27:36,050 --> 01:27:39,750
Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur,
owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym.
1208
01:27:40,050 --> 01:27:43,550
I'm here to tell you
you're perfectjust the way you are.
1209
01:27:43,750 --> 01:27:49,250
But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin'
healthier, and makin' friends in the process,
1210
01:27:49,550 --> 01:27:51,250
Joe's is the place for you.
1211
01:27:51,450 --> 01:27:54,750
Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.
1212
01:27:55,050 --> 01:27:59,750
So come on down and learn a great game the
way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
1213
01:28:00,050 --> 01:28:01,950
Right.
1214
01:28:11,550 --> 01:28:13,550
Spare me.
1215
01:28:13,750 --> 01:28:16,150
I won that tournament.
1216
01:28:18,950 --> 01:28:21,650
Fucking Chuck Norris.
1217
01:28:23,950 --> 01:28:25,950
Visiontext Subtitles:
Julie Clayton and Rob Colling
1218
01:28:26,150 --> 01:28:28,150
ENGLISH
1219
01:31:27,250 --> 01:31:30,350
Yeah. I hope you're all happy now.
1220
01:31:30,650 --> 01:31:33,050
Good guy wins, bad guy loses.
1221
01:31:33,250 --> 01:31:35,650
Big friggin' surprise.
1222
01:31:36,850 --> 01:31:38,750
I love happy endings.
1223
01:31:41,850 --> 01:31:46,050
You know, that's the problem
with the American cinema.
1224
01:31:46,350 --> 01:31:48,750
Can't handle any complexity in it, you know?
1225
01:31:48,950 --> 01:31:52,950
"Don't make me think,
I just wanna be entertained. "
1226
01:31:53,250 --> 01:31:55,050
All right, fine.
1227
01:31:55,250 --> 01:31:58,750
You want a little somethin'- somethin'
for the ride home?
1228
01:31:58,950 --> 01:32:01,350
Check these boots out for size.
1229
01:32:03,350 --> 01:32:05,450
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1230
01:32:05,650 --> 01:32:07,650
And they're like, "It's better than yours"
1231
01:32:07,850 --> 01:32:09,750
Damn right, it's better than yours
1232
01:32:09,950 --> 01:32:12,450
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1233
01:32:13,550 --> 01:32:17,550
What the boys go crazy for
1234
01:32:19,150 --> 01:32:20,250
They lose their minds
1235
01:32:20,350 --> 01:32:22,650
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1236
01:32:22,850 --> 01:32:24,550
Damn right, it's better than yours
1237
01:32:24,750 --> 01:32:28,150
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1238
01:32:30,050 --> 01:32:32,950
You happy? Fatty make a funny?
1239
01:32:33,050 --> 01:32:36,145
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
1240
01:32:37,000 --> 01:32:40,123
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player