1
00:00:10,080 --> 00:00:11,980
Yes, it's the Benny Hill Show.

2
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:15,940
And here he is, the Lannister, Benny
Hill.

3
00:00:21,840 --> 00:00:27,400
Now Bianca Malone weighs 38 stones.
She's got eyes like a rizzle in the

4
00:00:27,860 --> 00:00:32,600
She comes from St. Kitts, got a big pair
of mitts. She could lay John Fonty out

5
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:33,600
with one blow.

6
00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:38,930
Now when she plays in the sand, the tide
goes out and refuses to come back until

7
00:00:38,930 --> 00:00:39,930
she's gone.

8
00:00:39,950 --> 00:00:45,210
One day she bent down to pick up half
the crown and we had an eclipse on the

9
00:00:45,210 --> 00:00:46,210
soil.

10
00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:51,610
Before we went for a stroll, she said,
look, there's a bull, and that's a cow,

11
00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:53,330
and that's a sow, and that's a boar.

12
00:00:53,590 --> 00:00:57,890
And just look at that, Joe, I said,
Bianca, I know. She said, well, what do

13
00:00:57,890 --> 00:00:59,050
want to trade in it for?

14
00:00:59,850 --> 00:01:04,610
But by the barn door, we knelt down in
the straw, and she said that she gave my

15
00:01:04,610 --> 00:01:05,568
aunt a squeeze.

16
00:01:05,570 --> 00:01:07,350
Would you like a roll in the hay?

17
00:01:07,590 --> 00:01:08,770
And I said, okay.

18
00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:11,330
She said, do you want fish paste or
cheese?

19
00:01:18,299 --> 00:01:21,100
© BF

20
00:01:21,100 --> 00:01:25,880
-WATCH

21
00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,400
TV 2021

22
00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,080
On her left knee was West Germany.

23
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,520
Russia was on her right thigh.

24
00:01:41,900 --> 00:01:47,240
But when I looked and saw my wife at the
door, I let the rest of the world go

25
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,240
by.

26
00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:55,100
Oh, I divorced my wife and I began a new
life with Bianca on a honeymoon cruise.

27
00:01:55,770 --> 00:02:00,190
Our waiting night, it was great. I even
let her stay up late to listen to the

28
00:02:00,190 --> 00:02:01,190
six o 'clock news.

29
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:06,950
Now I am never blue with my queen of
tattoo because a happier man could not

30
00:02:06,950 --> 00:02:11,810
found. I've got heat in the winter. I've
got shade in the summer. And moving

31
00:02:11,810 --> 00:02:13,470
pictures all the year round.

32
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:28,400
To thank her for marrying me. To thank
her for marrying me.

33
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:31,400
To thank her for marrying me.

34
00:02:35,580 --> 00:02:42,440
To thank her for marrying me.

35
00:02:51,720 --> 00:02:54,580
Good evening, everyone, and welcome to
the Thumb Annual Awards.

36
00:02:54,820 --> 00:02:59,500
And we're going out right away to get a
few of the views of a few of you.

37
00:03:00,820 --> 00:03:05,240
Black and white minstrels, you see. Yes,
yes, they have the rhythm.

38
00:03:05,580 --> 00:03:06,580
Them darkies.

39
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,740
You wouldn't find white people singing
and dancing like that because they don't

40
00:03:10,740 --> 00:03:11,740
have the rhythm, you see.

41
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:12,880
Quest, mate.

42
00:03:12,980 --> 00:03:15,260
Quest. Black and white minstrels. Quest.

43
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:17,140
Oh, two persons bow down.

44
00:03:17,720 --> 00:03:20,000
I am two persons. I am two persons.

45
00:03:20,260 --> 00:03:23,400
Well, go and chase yourself, you fucking
white minstrel.

46
00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:27,320
Oh, I like them romantic programmes
best. I think they're lovely.

47
00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:31,680
My favourite is that one where that man
goes in that car and he races in that

48
00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:35,580
car with that broken bridge and he's on
a motorbike and he's in a helicopter and

49
00:03:35,580 --> 00:03:39,700
he swims out of the ship there, you
know, just to put that box of chocolates

50
00:03:39,700 --> 00:03:40,920
the side of that nice lady's bed.

51
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:42,120
You know, totally bad.

52
00:03:42,300 --> 00:03:45,100
He steals away afterwards. It was so
quiet, wasn't it, you know?

53
00:03:45,530 --> 00:03:48,130
I mean, a lot of men would have woke her
up and give her one.

54
00:03:48,510 --> 00:03:52,530
But, you know, the educational ones, you
know, they look cute.

55
00:03:53,290 --> 00:03:57,270
Square -shaped shoes, so have a good
suit. I can't do it.

56
00:03:57,970 --> 00:04:04,190
And I like the medical ones that show
you how to kill 99 % of all household

57
00:04:04,190 --> 00:04:05,330
germs. Dead.

58
00:04:06,650 --> 00:04:08,790
Couldn't kill them any other way,
really, I thought, could you?

59
00:04:09,690 --> 00:04:10,870
For me,

60
00:04:11,890 --> 00:04:13,450
there's only one man on there.

61
00:04:14,150 --> 00:04:15,150
Independent.

62
00:04:15,830 --> 00:04:17,269
That boy got courage.

63
00:04:17,589 --> 00:04:18,890
You know what happened last week?

64
00:04:19,610 --> 00:04:20,810
Dennis did that soon.

65
00:04:21,390 --> 00:04:22,850
Go Mrs. Goosey shop.

66
00:04:23,470 --> 00:04:25,790
Steal bag of two shillings of pan
cherries.

67
00:04:26,190 --> 00:04:29,190
What for a shlammy? Two shillings of pan
cherries?

68
00:04:30,190 --> 00:04:33,570
Ernest, the policeman, he come along. He
says, who said steal the cherries?

69
00:04:33,930 --> 00:04:35,570
Dennis did that soon. Don't say nothing.

70
00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:37,570
But little man dependent.

71
00:04:37,870 --> 00:04:40,670
He says, Mr. Policeman, I must steal the
cherries.

72
00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:45,140
He own up to it. Don't do it, but he own
up to it. I tell you that the boy got

73
00:04:45,140 --> 00:04:46,140
the courage.

74
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:51,480
Crossroads and crossroads, but they're
puppets. I'm a talk about people.

75
00:04:57,260 --> 00:05:00,940
Well, now, we're just as excited as you
are to find out who's won the best

76
00:05:00,940 --> 00:05:04,820
acting performance of the year, and the
nominations are between Patrick McNee,

77
00:05:05,020 --> 00:05:08,340
Noel Gordon, and Tiddles the
Wondercastle.

78
00:05:11,630 --> 00:05:16,050
Tiddles the... No, it's Patrick McNee
for his performance in The New Avengers.

79
00:05:26,090 --> 00:05:27,090
Hello?

80
00:05:28,910 --> 00:05:30,590
Brown owl here.

81
00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:33,490
No, not brown ale. Brown owl.

82
00:05:34,330 --> 00:05:36,370
Is that the black fox?

83
00:05:37,490 --> 00:05:39,210
Is that you, BF?

84
00:05:40,010 --> 00:05:41,170
Yes, well, this is...

85
00:05:42,220 --> 00:05:43,220
B .O.

86
00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,960
And of course I know Moscow, where the
Kremlin lives.

87
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:50,100
The Union of Soviet and Sociable
Republics.

88
00:05:51,060 --> 00:05:56,120
And I've met Ivan Katastrof, yes. Met
him at the Peking Hilton many years ago,

89
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:57,199
yes.

90
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,700
Yes, he's ginger, isn't he?

91
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:00,820
With blonde hair, yes.

92
00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:02,060
What, a dagger?

93
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:03,800
Oh, he poisoned her.

94
00:06:04,380 --> 00:06:07,580
Only when you said he gave her arsenic,
I thought, yes, well done.

95
00:06:08,660 --> 00:06:11,220
I'd better get over there right away.
There ain't fish to talk.

96
00:06:13,710 --> 00:06:17,170
Three gallstones and an ingrown toenail.

97
00:06:17,530 --> 00:06:19,890
Three varicose veins and a gumboil.

98
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:24,370
A pair of needles and a pair of hernias.
Just a minute, Purdy. Just a moment.

99
00:06:24,650 --> 00:06:26,130
Four enemas takes the pot.

100
00:06:27,950 --> 00:06:30,390
It's the royal flush, you know.

101
00:06:31,530 --> 00:06:36,790
What have I got? You've got multiple
fractures, dear. I want a second

102
00:06:37,150 --> 00:06:39,430
I'll say it again, then. You've got
multiple fractures.

103
00:06:40,590 --> 00:06:41,590
Good Lord.

104
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,820
girl's got a dressing table shaped
kidneys.

105
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,080
You what?

106
00:06:47,100 --> 00:06:51,320
What's that? Carrying a copy of the
palaces and wearing a very low -cut

107
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:53,560
This might be worth looking into.

108
00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,160
Have you read Shakespeare's As You Like
It?

109
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,520
No, but I've read Flannel where I need
it.

110
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:12,600
You can kiss a young girl if you are
witty and slick.

111
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,240
You can kiss a duck's tail, but you have
to be quick.

112
00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:19,560
Only a fool goes to Istanbul.

113
00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:22,060
It is decadent, wicked, and sinful.

114
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:25,320
But it's better than here, because they
sell their beer like bananas at

115
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,320
Fortnum's Skinful.

116
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,500
The sun may kiss the mountain path.

117
00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:31,620
The morning dew may kiss the grass.

118
00:08:33,289 --> 00:08:35,030
The ruby lips may kiss the glass.

119
00:08:35,289 --> 00:08:37,110
But you, my friend, may kiss my arse.

120
00:08:37,370 --> 00:08:38,370
Oh,

121
00:08:39,490 --> 00:08:42,809
you sing professionally?

122
00:08:43,070 --> 00:08:44,830
No, I just sing to kill time.

123
00:08:45,410 --> 00:08:46,910
You have a wonderful weapon.

124
00:08:47,270 --> 00:08:48,370
Somebody's been talking about it.

125
00:08:50,170 --> 00:08:53,130
So, you're one of us. Did you think I
was one of them?

126
00:08:53,670 --> 00:08:54,990
No, I thought you were one of those.

127
00:08:55,330 --> 00:08:56,330
Thank you very much.

128
00:08:56,650 --> 00:08:59,990
Yes, the complete NATO disarmament plan.

129
00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:02,960
The Russian disarmament plan.

130
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:04,700
Aren't you afraid of prowlers?

131
00:09:05,100 --> 00:09:06,860
Praise to Hondo the Proud!

132
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,740
I'd say you'd say that without moving
your lips.

133
00:09:39,950 --> 00:09:43,990
Mind if we hang about a little bit? Why?
It's pouring with rain!

134
00:09:49,310 --> 00:09:56,170
Veil personality of the year is Magnus
Magnusson for his show Mastermind.

135
00:10:10,540 --> 00:10:11,540
Your name is?

136
00:10:11,740 --> 00:10:12,760
Sidney Bottox.

137
00:10:16,240 --> 00:10:17,240
Bottox.

138
00:10:19,380 --> 00:10:20,980
It's neither one thing nor the other.

139
00:10:26,980 --> 00:10:31,080
You are married and you have 15 children
and your hobby is?

140
00:10:31,300 --> 00:10:32,300
Flying my kite.

141
00:10:36,060 --> 00:10:39,160
And you've chosen as your subject the
hour. Is that right?

142
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,060
Yes. Don't get cocky. It's not a
question.

143
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:47,260
Write quotations. There are those who
long for immortality who don't know what

144
00:10:47,260 --> 00:10:49,040
to do on a wet Sunday afternoon.

145
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:53,660
If God had meant us to fly, he would
have given us tickets.

146
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:59,960
Girls are like pianos. When they're not
upright, they're grand.

147
00:11:04,620 --> 00:11:06,740
Who made those brilliant remarks?

148
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:08,400
I don't know. I did.

149
00:11:11,440 --> 00:11:14,140
You weren't listening, were you? You
should have known it was me when I said

150
00:11:14,140 --> 00:11:15,140
they were brilliant.

151
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:21,420
Victor Herbert, for his song, The Dream
of Thalmoy, was paid $2 ,000.

152
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:26,000
What did he say when he put his hand in
his pocket and realized it had gone?

153
00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:29,400
I don't feel very well.

154
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,880
No, he said, I don't feel too grand.

155
00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:44,430
The next question is geographical. Is it
possible for you to walk from Istanbul

156
00:11:44,430 --> 00:11:45,430
to Bangkok?

157
00:11:46,370 --> 00:11:48,150
No. Why not?

158
00:11:48,410 --> 00:11:49,410
I've got a short foot.

159
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:59,470
The answer is yes. You can make the
entire journey without once passing

160
00:11:59,910 --> 00:12:01,030
Not with my kidneys.

161
00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:05,090
The next question is in two parts.

162
00:12:05,850 --> 00:12:08,430
What happened in 1756?

163
00:12:09,260 --> 00:12:10,440
Mozart was born.

164
00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:12,380
And in 1776?

165
00:12:12,820 --> 00:12:14,260
Mozart was 20 years old.

166
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,540
No, he heard his first symphony played
in public.

167
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,660
Halfway through, he burst into tears.
How did he view the world afterwards?

168
00:12:25,260 --> 00:12:27,680
Optimistically. No, misty -optically.

169
00:12:30,180 --> 00:12:31,540
Don't get clever with me.

170
00:12:33,100 --> 00:12:35,220
How would you like your head? One lump
or two?

171
00:12:40,490 --> 00:12:42,710
A man has five children.

172
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,490
Half of them are boys. Is that possible?

173
00:12:45,930 --> 00:12:48,330
No. Yes, the other half are also boys.

174
00:12:50,630 --> 00:12:56,510
This aboriginal painting from down
under, can you name it?

175
00:12:56,930 --> 00:12:58,410
My bodge, light bulb.

176
00:12:58,770 --> 00:13:01,790
No, powwow's lady looking for the soap.

177
00:13:06,990 --> 00:13:13,490
Where does the expression, Le
composition de cela est pure, tellement

178
00:13:13,490 --> 00:13:18,970
from? Victor Hugo's Less Miserable. No,
the label of this jar of French mustard.

179
00:13:21,210 --> 00:13:27,610
It is a slang word, geographical
location, and name of a book. It is the

180
00:13:27,610 --> 00:13:30,510
Khyber... Pash. What a pity.

181
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,940
you have the lowest score ever recorded
on Mastermind.

182
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:39,980
You may have a mind, but you haven't
mastered it. Good night.

183
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,680
Here to announce the Critics Award is
Demi Rousseau.

184
00:13:47,100 --> 00:13:51,920
Lovely to look at, delightful to have,
and ever to kiss.

185
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:58,780
And now, the Critics Award goes to I,
Claudia.

186
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,480
Thank you very much, Demi.

187
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,600
one if he don't hurry up. Where are you?

188
00:14:22,260 --> 00:14:24,580
I'm on the throne room.

189
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,100
I'm having a shave.

190
00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:33,360
And a shampoo.

191
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,080
And a sharpie long.

192
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,680
Wish I had a red hot poker.

193
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,280
I'd stick the cold end in his ear.

194
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:45,900
Or he wouldn't half burn his hand trying
to get it out.

195
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:55,040
Are you sure we're doing the right
thing, Quantus? Mother, he's not fit to

196
00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:56,560
Rome and he won't abdicate.

197
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:58,120
Poison's the only way.

198
00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,940
Oh, that's better.

199
00:15:07,100 --> 00:15:08,260
Hail, Claudius.

200
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:10,400
How went the invasion of Britain?

201
00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,280
They're like savages.

202
00:15:19,310 --> 00:15:21,370
Animal skins? What's the thing, dear?

203
00:15:22,210 --> 00:15:23,210
Hail quantum.

204
00:15:25,790 --> 00:15:29,590
And not only that, they had helmets on
their heads with great big horns

205
00:15:29,590 --> 00:15:33,590
out the side. And when we seen them, we
didn't know whether to fight them or

206
00:15:33,590 --> 00:15:34,650
milk them.

207
00:15:36,030 --> 00:15:38,270
We found out eventually.

208
00:15:39,050 --> 00:15:42,410
I brought back a lovely little boy for
my dog.

209
00:15:45,580 --> 00:15:49,700
Our Warren Texas brought back plenty of
Christians to throw to the lions in the

210
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:52,620
arena. Oh, don't say that.

211
00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,640
He don't like it.

212
00:15:54,900 --> 00:15:57,680
He went last week, didn't you, dear?

213
00:15:57,980 --> 00:16:03,060
Yes, I did, Mother. I'm sorry. I did,
Mother. I thought it was cruel. I cried

214
00:16:03,060 --> 00:16:05,860
while there was a great big lion there
and he didn't have a Christian.

215
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,300
I do wish you wouldn't stand there.

216
00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:19,220
sets me off.

217
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:26,300
You'd like to find her waiting for you
in your bedchamber, wouldn't you? Come

218
00:16:26,300 --> 00:16:27,300
on.

219
00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:31,880
No, I wouldn't, because the apothecary
said I wasn't to make love to anyone

220
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:34,720
except my wife. He said I wasn't to get
excited.

221
00:16:37,820 --> 00:16:40,960
It's hard enough keeping up with her.

222
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,800
I mean, she keeps on saying that I'm
being unfaithful to her just because

223
00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:46,080
of our kids look like me.

224
00:16:51,450 --> 00:16:57,210
Honestly. Thank you. Well, round the
mouth and round the gums. Look out,

225
00:16:57,210 --> 00:16:58,210
stomach.

226
00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:00,690
Sorry,

227
00:17:00,950 --> 00:17:03,310
Martha. I'll have that one. Thank you.

228
00:17:03,650 --> 00:17:05,329
A bite to eat, dear.

229
00:17:05,550 --> 00:17:11,390
Well, I don't know. Did you, um... Then

230
00:17:11,390 --> 00:17:14,030
I will, yeah.

231
00:17:15,210 --> 00:17:19,369
I'll have a pee, pee, pee, pee, pee,
pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee,

232
00:17:19,369 --> 00:17:22,089
pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee,
pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee,

233
00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:22,150
pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee,
pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee,

234
00:17:22,150 --> 00:17:23,490
pee, pee, pee, pee, pee.

235
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,840
responsible. There must be some other
way.

236
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,300
Son, have you ever thought it so hard?

237
00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:03,680
I wouldn't like to commit suicide,
Mother. I don't think I'd like that.

238
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,520
How do you know you wouldn't like it if
you haven't tried it?

239
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:13,700
Alice and Claudius, Mummy and I don't
feel you're equipped to rule Rome.

240
00:18:14,220 --> 00:18:16,880
Caesar! The slave is here for sentence!

241
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:22,480
You think I'm a quip, don't you, Mother?

242
00:18:22,780 --> 00:18:25,400
And you'll find out.

243
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:31,120
Slave, before you die, you can make one
last statement.

244
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:35,720
If you speak the truth, you will be
hanged. And if you tell a lie, you will

245
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:37,640
thrown to the crocodiles.

246
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,820
Aye, I'm going to be thrown to the
crocodiles.

247
00:18:54,320 --> 00:18:56,480
Eat this. Drink this.

248
00:18:56,700 --> 00:19:03,440
You do it your way, and I'll do it mine.
Mine. Mine.

249
00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:04,840
Well,

250
00:19:11,580 --> 00:19:15,340
ladies and gentlemen, that, I'm afraid,
is it. With the party here going along

251
00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:19,120
to the early hours of the morning, and
everybody enjoying themselves,

252
00:19:19,260 --> 00:19:22,340
of course, our lovely page three girl,
from us all...

253
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:26,140
We bid you all a very good night. Bye
-bye.

254
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:34,200
If your friend should ask you how much
you paid for the tin of chimpy dog food,

255
00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,380
you tell her to pee off.

256
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:42,900
You tell her to pee off.

257
00:19:44,900 --> 00:19:48,180
Are you sure she's a National Theater
player?

258
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:06,040
Woman, if you can talk to God,
ask him if i

259
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:09,840
sometime I'm going to adore you, I'm going to
worship

260
00:20:12,220 --> 00:20:13,540
my love,

261
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:21,100
I wish that my heart owes it to me

262
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:25,060
seen crying the service of your love.

263
00:20:42,639 --> 00:20:48,980
And I, I know my love was not for you.

264
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:54,820
And so I'll take it back with a sigh
that really is why.

265
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:30,400
La pérdida de tu amor Buscando donde

266
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:37,180
quiera que ya voy Y no te puedo hablar
Para

267
00:21:37,180 --> 00:21:41,340
que quiero otros besos Y tus labios no
me quieren la verdad

268
00:21:41,340 --> 00:21:48,200
And now I know my

269
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:52,500
love was not for you Hey, what are you
doing?

270
00:22:12,870 --> 00:22:13,870
She's crazy.

271
00:22:15,810 --> 00:22:17,230
Your brother, she crazy?

272
00:22:17,550 --> 00:22:19,030
You don't know your grandma.

273
00:22:19,250 --> 00:22:20,250
You don't know my brother.

274
00:22:22,510 --> 00:22:24,770
You know, you know, you know where you
are?

275
00:22:25,270 --> 00:22:26,270
You're not mad.

276
00:22:26,550 --> 00:22:29,310
You are imbecile.

277
00:22:30,670 --> 00:22:31,670
Imbecile.

278
00:22:32,230 --> 00:22:38,130
Imbecile. I -M -B -E -S.

279
00:22:38,450 --> 00:22:39,450
No S.

280
00:22:40,030 --> 00:22:41,550
He's right, no S.

281
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:48,920
There is no why.

282
00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:04,199
Oh, yes.

283
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:05,200
Oh,

284
00:24:05,980 --> 00:24:06,980
yes.

285
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:41,720
This one's called Pets.

286
00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:45,000
I call my little pussy Ben.

287
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:47,920
He's got soft and fluffy fur.

288
00:24:48,580 --> 00:24:50,680
But last week he had kittens.

289
00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:53,620
I now call him Ben Hur.

290
00:24:56,320 --> 00:25:00,640
I said, no more nights out on the tiles
because you're a mother now.

291
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,420
You've got to catch food for your
babies.

292
00:25:03,860 --> 00:25:05,840
And she just said, me?

293
00:25:06,340 --> 00:25:07,340
How?

294
00:25:09,130 --> 00:25:11,910
I got a little goldfish and his name is
Pete.

295
00:25:12,170 --> 00:25:16,310
To keep him fit and well, I give him
ant's eggs to eat.

296
00:25:16,650 --> 00:25:19,330
But I put too much fluoride in his
water.

297
00:25:19,610 --> 00:25:24,350
And last week when my gran went to give
him his ant's eggs, he bit off her hand.

298
00:25:26,290 --> 00:25:31,350
I got a lovely badger. I call it pretty
petal.

299
00:25:31,770 --> 00:25:33,950
I got a water otter too.

300
00:25:34,870 --> 00:25:36,690
I call that a kettle.

301
00:25:38,980 --> 00:25:41,320
My emu is a sad old bird.

302
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:43,860
Can't sing or dance or say a word.

303
00:25:44,120 --> 00:25:46,880
Puts his head in the sand when I sing a
tune.

304
00:25:47,220 --> 00:25:51,120
And he whistles through the whole of the
afternoon.

305
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,020
I've got a little dog. His name is
George.

306
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,620
He's a Dachshund, but he's not a dunce.

307
00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,780
He's half a dog high and two dogs long.

308
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:03,340
So all the kids can pat him at once.

309
00:26:06,350 --> 00:26:11,030
But my heart gets so sad when the
weather is bad, especially when the snow

310
00:26:11,030 --> 00:26:15,750
along. And I really could weep when it's
four inches deep, because his legs are

311
00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:16,750
three inches long.

312
00:26:17,910 --> 00:26:21,210
It's no wonder he's a cold. It's no
wonder he's a cough.

313
00:26:21,750 --> 00:26:24,650
It's a wonder his little paws ain't
dropped off.

314
00:26:26,750 --> 00:26:32,050
When the snow started to harden, I
played with him in the garden. Then I

315
00:26:32,050 --> 00:26:33,950
because we had fruit and cream for tea.

316
00:26:34,700 --> 00:26:39,600
Next morning I got up and went to see my
pup, and I found the poor thing frozen

317
00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:40,600
to a tree.

318
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,180
It's never quite the same after that.

319
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:48,480
But the man who lives next door to me is
the envy of our streets.

320
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:52,180
He got the nicest pet of all, all cuddly
and sweet.

321
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:58,220
She doesn't bite, she doesn't scratch,
and anyone can see why he's the envy of

322
00:26:58,220 --> 00:26:59,220
the neighbourhood.

323
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,420
It's because his pet isn't me!

324
00:32:26,030 --> 00:32:27,030
It's my first time here.

325
00:32:27,370 --> 00:32:28,370
Oh, don't worry.

326
00:32:28,410 --> 00:32:31,610
You just read off the roller board. Oh,
could you... Oh, I see. See?

327
00:32:32,130 --> 00:32:36,450
Can I just take your glasses off for a
moment, please? Careful, I'm lost

328
00:32:36,450 --> 00:32:37,450
them.

329
00:32:41,250 --> 00:32:42,250
Oh,

330
00:32:43,310 --> 00:32:44,410
thank God they're all right.

331
00:32:46,030 --> 00:32:49,310
So over now to our new political
correspondent, Peter Seymour.

332
00:32:50,150 --> 00:32:51,150
Oh, hell.

333
00:32:57,730 --> 00:33:00,790
nationalised the fishing industry, today
caught its first herring.

334
00:33:01,430 --> 00:33:02,970
Today caught its first hearing.

335
00:33:04,570 --> 00:33:08,390
Sneaking for the government, speaking
for the government, Mr Anthony Whichway

336
00:33:08,390 --> 00:33:14,210
-Benn said what Britain needs is more
efficient chips.

337
00:33:15,210 --> 00:33:16,330
More efficient chips!

338
00:33:17,450 --> 00:33:19,470
And I think I am bare -assed.

339
00:33:27,370 --> 00:33:34,170
I think I embarrassed Michael Foote when
I said in a recent titipolar

340
00:33:34,170 --> 00:33:35,170
-tickle.

341
00:33:35,850 --> 00:33:37,950
Titipolar -tickle? Party political!

342
00:33:39,590 --> 00:33:42,710
Broadcast that this would result in
crows pickling on the decks.

343
00:33:45,290 --> 00:33:46,850
Crews picketing at the dock.

344
00:33:47,710 --> 00:33:52,670
He went on to say that he had lived for
many years in hell. In hell!

345
00:33:53,610 --> 00:33:55,110
And had a personal fiend.

346
00:33:55,560 --> 00:34:00,400
who was a defective constable, who had
assured him that the local police bar

347
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:05,980
thought washable soap was able to cope

348
00:34:05,980 --> 00:34:10,679
in spite of the difficulties of getting
stuff. Stuff!

349
00:34:12,420 --> 00:34:19,020
In reply for the opposition, the right
horrible Edward Teeth said it doesn't

350
00:34:19,020 --> 00:34:23,080
matter whether your lavatory, whether
your laboratory,

351
00:34:24,530 --> 00:34:25,850
whether you're Labour or Tory.

352
00:34:31,290 --> 00:34:37,030
Nobody wanted to sing, to sing, to sign
away his bath night, his birthright, his

353
00:34:37,030 --> 00:34:38,030
birthright.

354
00:34:38,530 --> 00:34:42,670
Mr. Thiel said half the world doesn't
know how the other half lives.

355
00:34:46,270 --> 00:34:47,730
Doesn't know how the other half lives.

356
00:34:48,409 --> 00:34:50,610
And that, in a jug of saliva...

357
00:34:53,639 --> 00:35:00,560
In Yugoslavia, where the British
government indecently

358
00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:07,380
had a gent, incidentally had agents, and
nationalisation hadn't paid

359
00:35:07,380 --> 00:35:11,080
its way for a number of years, he
thought about sex.

360
00:35:11,460 --> 00:35:12,460
Sick!

361
00:35:12,940 --> 00:35:14,940
And the same applied to egg white.

362
00:35:15,980 --> 00:35:16,980
Egg wiped?

363
00:35:17,680 --> 00:35:18,680
Egypt!

364
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:24,940
Mr. Fool said, Mr.

365
00:35:25,180 --> 00:35:26,660
Heath still had a long way to go.

366
00:35:27,940 --> 00:35:29,240
Still had a long way to go.

367
00:35:29,700 --> 00:35:34,360
And Mrs. Thatcher was feeling all our
voices, voicing all our feelings, when

368
00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:36,140
said, you've already gone and...

369
00:35:36,140 --> 00:35:43,420
You've

370
00:35:43,420 --> 00:35:45,320
already gone far, Ted.

371
00:35:59,120 --> 00:36:01,460
to the stewed eels at Tom's Tiddler
-vision.

372
00:36:02,020 --> 00:36:03,860
I'm sorry, Mr. Boseman.

373
00:36:10,660 --> 00:36:13,800
Here's that fabulous, awesome
reflection.

374
00:36:14,740 --> 00:36:19,760
Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on
lifting me, lifting me higher and

375
00:36:20,780 --> 00:36:26,280
Your love keeps lifting me, keeps on
lifting me, lifting me higher and

376
00:36:27,400 --> 00:36:31,860
Your love keeps lifting me, Keep on
lifting me, lifting me high

377
00:37:37,100 --> 00:37:39,200
You can take it higher You can take it
higher

378
00:38:58,350 --> 00:39:04,830
the $6 million man, and Jamie Summers,
bionic woman, come together

379
00:39:04,830 --> 00:39:06,990
for the very first time.

380
00:39:12,430 --> 00:39:13,950
The result...

381
00:39:44,170 --> 00:39:45,910
I'm sure you never played around with
other guys.

382
00:39:46,390 --> 00:39:47,530
Why, yes, Steve.

383
00:39:47,930 --> 00:39:51,930
Well, how is it you don't have red hair
and I don't have red hair, but the kid's

384
00:39:51,930 --> 00:39:52,930
got bright red hair.

385
00:39:53,610 --> 00:39:55,650
Well, I think it's on account of our
metal parts.

386
00:39:56,090 --> 00:39:57,390
Our metal parts?

387
00:39:58,270 --> 00:39:59,270
That's right.

388
00:40:00,830 --> 00:40:05,070
You know, he's four years old, you know.
It's time he learned to talk.

389
00:40:09,290 --> 00:40:12,030
Hey, he does love his chicken soup,
though. Hey, let me give it to him, will

390
00:40:12,030 --> 00:40:13,350
you? Hi there, little fella.

391
00:40:14,030 --> 00:40:18,350
Gonna have some of Papa's cheeky soupy
-soupy. There you go, boy.

392
00:40:19,070 --> 00:40:20,070
Wow.

393
00:40:21,150 --> 00:40:22,150
Sheep dip.

394
00:40:23,690 --> 00:40:25,930
He can talk.

395
00:40:26,230 --> 00:40:27,790
Hey, Steve, he can talk.

396
00:40:28,190 --> 00:40:29,850
He can talk. He can talk.

397
00:40:30,290 --> 00:40:32,090
Big deal.

398
00:40:32,930 --> 00:40:36,090
Why did you wait till now to talk? Why
didn't you talk before?

399
00:40:36,690 --> 00:40:39,490
Because up to now, the chicken soup's
been okay, you know what I mean?

400
00:40:53,260 --> 00:40:56,760
Relativity. Yeah, I read it. When did
you read it? Just then.

401
00:40:57,060 --> 00:40:59,080
I'll tell you something else. I think I
was wrong.

402
00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:00,400
You speak languages?

403
00:41:00,760 --> 00:41:01,419
Ah, sure.

404
00:41:01,420 --> 00:41:02,800
French. Venez ici.

405
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:04,080
Come here.

406
00:41:04,180 --> 00:41:05,900
Well, how do you say, go over there?

407
00:41:06,280 --> 00:41:08,360
I just go over there and I say, Venez
ici.

408
00:41:10,160 --> 00:41:11,160
Like this, man.

409
00:41:14,260 --> 00:41:15,260
Wow.

410
00:41:17,660 --> 00:41:19,380
Hey, Jamie, you know what we've got?

411
00:41:19,620 --> 00:41:21,920
We have got a bionic baby.

412
00:41:28,140 --> 00:41:31,160
I'll be with you in a very soon movie.

413
00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:37,620
What was that you were saying before you
spoke?

414
00:41:38,220 --> 00:41:40,880
We are going to have a baby.

415
00:41:41,340 --> 00:41:43,480
Between you and me, it's going to be
very difficult.

416
00:41:43,780 --> 00:41:45,720
Between you and me, it's going to be
bloody impossible.

417
00:41:47,100 --> 00:41:50,580
A bionic. Boy!

418
00:41:50,820 --> 00:41:52,380
How are we going to capture him?

419
00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,400
Well, now, I've got to do some deep
thinking.

420
00:41:54,660 --> 00:41:56,500
I've got to sit and constipate.

421
00:41:57,440 --> 00:42:01,860
I mean, we're going to have him
liberated by the mafia.

422
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:03,640
Ha -ha!

423
00:43:13,640 --> 00:43:16,540
We have all passed a lot of water under
the bridge.

424
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:19,260
Don't be too contraceptive.

425
00:43:20,040 --> 00:43:21,520
Maybe we could lure him.

426
00:43:21,940 --> 00:43:23,780
Now, what would we use to lure?

427
00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:29,260
Somebody with the body of a little boy
and the mind of a middle -aged man.

428
00:43:31,160 --> 00:43:32,160
Hey,

429
00:43:38,980 --> 00:43:41,280
kid, want to come to a party, lots of
ice cream?

430
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:43,240
Lena Davoroni gonna be there.

431
00:43:43,640 --> 00:43:46,620
We're going to get drunk on wine. We're
going to have a whale of a time. What do

432
00:43:46,620 --> 00:43:47,620
you think, kid? What do you think?

433
00:43:48,160 --> 00:43:49,160
Ah, poof.

434
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:27,920
would he go? Where would a supersonic,
bionic, electronic, transistorized and

435
00:45:27,920 --> 00:45:30,180
computerized boy feel at home?

436
00:45:53,000 --> 00:45:53,939
Thank you.

437
00:45:53,940 --> 00:45:55,480
And I know what you're all thinking.

438
00:45:55,940 --> 00:45:58,560
I mean, you see me running around like
that all over the place and you say to

439
00:45:58,560 --> 00:45:59,800
yourself, how did he do it?

440
00:46:00,940 --> 00:46:02,160
He must be nearly 40.

441
00:46:04,160 --> 00:46:07,160
Well, ladies and gentlemen, I couldn't
do it without the aid of these wonderful

442
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:10,480
people behind me. They're very kind and
they help me. There's no envy, there's

443
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:14,440
no jealousy in the show. We get along
like one very happy family and it's

444
00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:17,000
nice. I'd like to thank them very
sincerely for their kindness.

445
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:19,020
Thank you very much indeed.

446
00:46:19,400 --> 00:46:20,400
Thank you all.