1 00:00:02,080 --> 00:00:04,800 Haley! Hurry up! You're gonna be late! 2 00:00:04,920 --> 00:00:07,640 Alex, what are you doing? I need to document Haley's first day on the chain gang. 3 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,837 It's not a chain gang. It's community service. 4 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,640 And leave her alone. She feels bad enough as it is. 5 00:00:12,720 --> 00:00:14,473 Okay, I'm torn. On one hand, I'm like, 6 00:00:14,560 --> 00:00:15,994 "Ugh, I have to pick up garbage all day." 7 00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:18,840 And on the other hand, I'm like, "Look at me in orange." 8 00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:23,355 Aw, that's cute. Send that to me. 9 00:00:23,440 --> 00:00:26,035 Haley had a little run-in with the law in college. 10 00:00:26,120 --> 00:00:28,874 She was arrested for assaulting a police officer. 11 00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:30,997 Accidentally. I fell on him. 12 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,079 While evading arrest for underage drinking. That was on purpose. 13 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,921 They were very lenient with her. She only has to do community service. 14 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:39,469 Because I do not have any priors. 15 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:42,115 Taking a little too much pride in that, sweetheart. 16 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,032 Things can get pretty rough out there. 17 00:00:44,120 --> 00:00:46,112 I couldn't get my hands on any cigarettes, 18 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:48,556 but I did make you a shiv out of an old knife. 19 00:00:48,640 --> 00:00:50,438 You don't make a shiv out of a knife. 20 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,160 Yeah, you make a shiv out of a rusty spoon or a shard of glass. 21 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,398 - Or a human femur. - Exactly. Be creative. 22 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:57,960 It's really sweet of you, Luke, 23 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,271 but there's just gonna be a bunch of drunk drivers and vandalizers... 24 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,079 who were stupid enough to get caught. 25 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:04,994 Or stupid enough to use the word "vandalizers." 26 00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:07,509 It's "vandals." 27 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,239 - Oh. - Oh. 28 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:10,993 I'm so alone. 29 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:15,279 They're gonna eat you alive, Suburbia. 30 00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:17,976 ♪ Hey, hey ♪ 31 00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:26,475 ♪ Hey♪ ♪ 32 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,878 Mitchell, we're back. You are not going to believe this. 33 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,953 Cam, do you remember why I didn't want you to swap out the handles on Lily's dresser? 34 00:01:36,040 --> 00:01:38,000 Because you lack a designer's eye and fear change? 35 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,111 No. Because I was afraid two weeks would go by, 36 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,669 and we'd still be using a spatula to get at Lily's clothes. 37 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,229 Okay. Well, we have bigger issues. 38 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,676 Guess what they are cutting down at the park today. 39 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,632 A tree. Yes. How did you know that? 40 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:52,838 - I played a hunch. - Not just any tree-Treeona Elmsley. 41 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:56,197 Oh, no. That's terrible. That's our picnic tree. 42 00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,158 It's a nightmare. 43 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,550 Well, someone's picked up her daddy's gift for hyperbole. 44 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:03,957 They are literally chainsawing paradise to put up a parking lot. 45 00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,514 That's too bad. We have to do something. 46 00:02:05,600 --> 00:02:07,080 Well, if we knew earlier, we could. 47 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,072 I blame myself. I've taken on too much. 48 00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:11,640 What exactly have you taken on? 49 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:13,632 Are you kidding me? Teaching music? 50 00:02:13,720 --> 00:02:16,713 This dresser handle project? My role in the musical? 51 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:19,315 - Oh, that. - You know what? I don't like your tone. 52 00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:22,313 The understudy's the most challenging role in any production. 53 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,632 You have to be ready at a moment's notice to go on and face a disappointed audience... 54 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,713 - who was there to see Kenny van Heffington. - Our insurance guy? 55 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:30,712 - He's breathtaking. - Really? 56 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,190 Yeah, I hate him. Anyway, what was I talking about? 57 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,556 Putting new handles on the dresser. 58 00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,314 Right. The tree. I have to do something. 59 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,036 I can't live like this. 60 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:48,118 Manny, while we're young! 61 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,557 He doesn't want to go. That's why he's taking so long with the primping. 62 00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:54,678 A boy his age should do exactly zero primping. 63 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,792 You ready? Not in the least. 64 00:02:56,880 --> 00:02:58,360 That's the spirit. 65 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:00,079 This kid in my class, Doug Brooks, 66 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,510 has a sports-themed birthday party every year. 67 00:03:02,600 --> 00:03:05,513 All boys. All sports. All day. 68 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,592 He calls it the Doug-lympics, 69 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,195 which might make sense if he did it every four years... 70 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:12,272 or if his name was AI. 71 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:14,875 Let's just say nothing about it works. 72 00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,872 Manny, it's a beautiful day outside. 73 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,077 Go on. Enjoy your Dougylympics. 74 00:03:19,160 --> 00:03:21,550 You don't have to win a medal. Just have fun. 75 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:24,036 Doug finishes with the most medals no matter what. 76 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:28,000 Plus I think he only invites me because he likes to match skin color to nation. 77 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,992 I know that's why Alan Yang gets invited. 78 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:31,753 Okay, we get it. Sports isn't your thing. 79 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:35,038 But you gotta step out of your comfort zone sometime. 80 00:03:35,120 --> 00:03:37,794 And for God's sake, change out of those wing tips. 81 00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,111 You're a kid. You're not Nixon on the beach. 82 00:03:40,240 --> 00:03:42,994 Fine. I'll put on my sporty shoes. Where are they? 83 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,594 They're still in the box. 84 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:47,718 Don't forget to take out the paper before you put them on, okay? 85 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:50,440 And they're called sneakers. 86 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:54,718 Hello, hello! 87 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:56,837 Hey, Gloria. So, ready to go? 88 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,957 - Where? - Thought we were doing a Costco run. 89 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,874 Oh, I see what this is. 90 00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,158 You called Claire to babysit the stupid pregnant lady! 91 00:04:05,280 --> 00:04:08,159 You're the one who called her. I did? 92 00:04:08,240 --> 00:04:11,233 I called Claire. Gloria needs watching. 93 00:04:11,320 --> 00:04:13,596 She's got a serious case of pregnancy brain. 94 00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:16,593 Last week, I found a bar of soap in the fridge... 95 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:18,512 and a stick of butter in the shower. 96 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:22,071 I walked around all day smelling like a bucket of popcorn. 97 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,277 Better than the toast I ate. 98 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,239 Yet you ate the second piece. 99 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,630 Jay, bye-bye! We're leaving! 100 00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,837 Seriously? I'm right here. 101 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,200 Duck! Duck! Come on and hit him, you little freak! 102 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:41,435 Hands up! 103 00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:44,678 Talk about a big left hook. God, I love you. 104 00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,390 - Phil in the Blank! - Bill of Rights! Jerryatric! 105 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,790 Alan's dad! 106 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,519 Hey, guys. Luke, you getting in there? 107 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:53,795 Of course. 108 00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:56,554 Look, I'm Mexico. Again. 109 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,871 Does anybody care that I'm not from Mexico? 110 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:01,634 You keep saying that, but we've never seen a birth certificate. 111 00:05:01,720 --> 00:05:04,394 All right, look. I'll pick you up at 5:00. Knock yourself out. 112 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,711 Or better still, knock someone else out. 113 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,520 Jay, where you headed? Why don't you stick around and grab a beer with the dads? 114 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,798 I don't really know those guys. I think I'll just swing by the club, hit a few balls. 115 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,837 Well, come here. Let me introduce you around. 116 00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,317 Hey, guys, this is Jay, my father-in-law. Manny's stepdad. 117 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:21,154 - Hey, what's up, Jay-Io? - Okay, guys, I'll see you later. 118 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,438 What's the matter, Jay? Afraid to step outside your comfort zone? 119 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:27,274 I will send you back to Mexico. 120 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,993 I didn't really call you, did I? 121 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:32,470 No, my dad did. But I thought you knew. 122 00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:36,196 I want to be so mad at him, but he's right. 123 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:40,360 I have two brains in my body, but I've never been so dumb. It happens. I get it. 124 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:44,150 You have another human being inside of you competing for resources. 125 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,749 Look, when I was pregnant with Alex, I could barely remember my name. 126 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:48,559 Same with Haley and Luke? 127 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,560 Mmm, not so much. They kind of just hung out in there, let me do my thing. 128 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,671 Thank you for understanding. 129 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,235 I'm glad that you came. Mmm. 130 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:59,432 It will help me not to forget stuff. I'm glad I can help out. 131 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,279 I-Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! 132 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,556 Why didn't you stop first? 133 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,354 Where's Daddy? 134 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,681 - I don't know, sweetie. He said to meet him by Treeona. - Mitchell! Lily! 135 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,110 Where is he? Up here! Look up here! 136 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:14,476 Cam, what are you doing up there? 137 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,080 I came down to say good-bye to the tree, give it one final hug, 138 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:19,356 and before I knew it, I was up here. 139 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:21,119 When you say one final hug- 140 00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:25,319 If I'm occupying the tree, they can't cut it down. I googled it. It's a thing. 141 00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:27,312 Okay, Lily. See, this is a nightmare. 142 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,551 Tell me about it. 143 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,314 You know what? You're a list-maker, a planner. 144 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,313 I'm a doer and an action-taker! 145 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,710 Sean Penn would play me in a movie about this, 146 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:40,440 or Anne Hathaway, if they wanted a female-driven vehicle. 147 00:06:40,520 --> 00:06:42,591 And who would play your long-suffering partner? 148 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,718 - Julianne Moore, either way. - I would totally see that. I would. 149 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:49,720 Hey! My supervisor wants to know if you have a history of mental illness. 150 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,793 - No, sir, I do not. - Well, uh- 151 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:58,637 All right, Cam, let's hear it. What's the plan? 152 00:06:58,720 --> 00:07:00,712 I don't know. I'm sort of making it up as I go. 153 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:02,120 Are you sure you wanna do this? 154 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,954 Yes. I've never been more sure about anything in my life. 155 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:09,956 We need to teach our daughter the value of taking a stand, no matter the sacrifice! 156 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,354 Hello? 157 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,356 Done. I'll be right there. 158 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,437 Mitchell, you need to get up here. I have to go. 159 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:21,591 - Excuse me? - That was my theater troupe. An actor's sick. 160 00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,160 I have to go and do the matinee. 161 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:25,550 What happened to showing Lily the value of taking a stand? 162 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,199 It's the lead. 163 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,751 It's also important to show her the value of honoring one's commitments. 164 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,116 And in this case, my commitment preceded my stand! 165 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,714 This is so you, Cam. 166 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,554 You start something, and then you expect me to finish it. 167 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:41,111 - So you're not coming up here? - No! No, I'm not. Come on. 168 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:46,070 - Mitchell, where were we the first day Lily rolled over? - Under this tree. 169 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:49,676 - Where is home base when we play hide-and-go-seek? - Under this tree. 170 00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:52,798 And where did we take shelter during that dangerous lightning storm? 171 00:07:52,880 --> 00:07:56,191 Wasn't a good idea, but it was under this tree. 172 00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,875 Daddy, you've got to save the tree! 173 00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,396 Yeah, Daddy, you have to save the tree! Okay, okay. 174 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,756 But you get back here the second you are done. 175 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,230 Well, I can't very well turn away fans that come backstage. 176 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,515 The second! 177 00:08:15,200 --> 00:08:19,194 Last summer, my sister took a totally humiliating photo of me. 178 00:08:22,200 --> 00:08:23,714 Haley, that's not funny! 179 00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:26,599 Then she posted it to Facebook and refused to take it down. 180 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,195 It got 873 likes. 181 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:32,791 Meanwhile, there's not one embarrassing photo of Haley. 182 00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,599 Even her mug shots were cute. 183 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:39,074 Today, I get my revenge. 184 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:43,439 One photo of Haley dirty, sweaty, picking up trash like a criminal. 185 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,716 It'll be my finest moment. 186 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,800 In a few years, I hope to have some more friends... 187 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:50,276 and not have time for this kind of stuff. 188 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,429 Okay. Hey. 189 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,392 Where did you go? To get a sweatshirt. 190 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:58,711 We've been standing in the frozen food aisle for half an hour. 191 00:08:58,840 --> 00:09:02,277 I need something frozen. Right. What? 192 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:05,353 I don't know. I just wrote the word "frozen." 193 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:08,712 Okay. Uh, let's think. Peas. Ice cream. Pizza? 194 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:10,638 Waffles. Wait a minute. 195 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,076 It says "dozens." I need the eggs! 196 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:14,833 Ah, the eggs. Okay. 197 00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,400 Ay, no, on the other side. 198 00:09:16,480 --> 00:09:20,759 Oh. Oh. I-I'll get the cart. So that's-Oh, sorry. 199 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,639 That's-That's me. That's me. I got it. 200 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,113 Come on, guys! They're killing us! 201 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:29,680 Where the heck is Mexico? 202 00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,911 Good news, gentlemen! I found another rope. 203 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,595 If we double Dutch, everyone wins. 204 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:37,320 Okay. Hold still. 205 00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:41,110 And wait for it. This is what you'd look like fat and bald. 206 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,917 On my phone, that app's called a camera. 207 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:46,559 Bill, don't do that to yourself. 208 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:48,871 Let me tell you something. Ellen is one lucky woman. 209 00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,595 Why is that funny? 210 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,918 Because she's married to Jerry. 211 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,514 Jay, you got any good apps? 212 00:09:56,600 --> 00:09:58,751 I don't know. I got call waiting. Is that an app? 213 00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:01,355 You guys laugh a lot, huh? 214 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:03,159 Jay's a little technologically challenged. 215 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,674 From a guy who can't drive a stick. 216 00:10:04,760 --> 00:10:05,910 What? You can't? 217 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,952 - Well- - He called me to rescue him one time. 218 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:10,480 He got stuck on a hill. He was afraid to let go of the clutch. 219 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:12,756 - Well, I- - By the time I got there, 220 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,360 traffic's backed up half a mile, 221 00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,272 everybody's yelling at him, he's in tears. 222 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,352 Not tears. Maybe sweat. 223 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:22,036 Yeah, sweatin' out your eyes. 224 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,755 I had about 10 pretty bad pictures of Haley. 225 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:31,958 I could have quit right there, but I'm a perfectionist. 226 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:33,235 I thought, 227 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:36,592 "I could do better. She could look worse." 228 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,313 Whoa! 229 00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:40,039 Oh, my God. 230 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,311 All right, pal. Come down from the tree. 231 00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,278 Sorry. Can't do that. 232 00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:49,999 Come down before we pull you down. 233 00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:52,720 Well, hey. Ease up. What's the problem? 234 00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,996 Look, I don't want to be up here, you know? 235 00:10:55,080 --> 00:10:56,958 But this is my daughter's favorite tree. 236 00:10:57,040 --> 00:11:00,192 And my partner, he's all up in arms about them cutting it down, so- 237 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:01,953 If your partner's so worked up, why isn't he here? 238 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,032 Oh, well, that's a very good question. 239 00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,591 It's because he starts things and he doesn't finish them, so then I have to. 240 00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:11,515 Just like my wife. You know, my therapist would say we're enabling them. 241 00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:15,316 You and your therapist. Well, I wouldn't have to see him if you hadn't shot that guy. 242 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,472 Ah, that again? Look, let's just spray him with the fire hose. 243 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,472 You're not helping, Terry. 244 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:24,713 It's not your fight. So why don't you do us a favor and come on down? 245 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,837 Because he's right, all right? 246 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:30,516 That's the frustrating part. I-I've been sitting up here these past few hours, 247 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,672 and... this tree is beautiful, okay? 248 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:37,197 And I-I can hear the squirrels dancing through the branches, 249 00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:38,953 you know, chasing each other. 250 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:40,520 No idea what's about to happen. 251 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,877 You know, this isn't just a tree. This is a home. 252 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,749 Yeah. To, like, a hundred rats. They're all over this thing. 253 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:51,629 Well, that changes nothing. I will wait you guys out all night if I have to. 254 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:53,552 Cam, you got 20 minutes, and I'm out of this tree. 255 00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:57,749 Terry, you wanna get ready with that hose? 256 00:11:57,840 --> 00:11:59,479 So Alex comes home from school the other day, 257 00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:01,552 and she says the teacher didn't know what she was talking about, 258 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:03,120 when in reality, I don't think that- 259 00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:04,714 Whoa, whoa, whoa! ¡Ay! 260 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:07,634 Hey! You almost just cut my head off. You gotta focus. 261 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,838 I am sorry. After all that, I forgot the eggs! 262 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,832 Excuse me. Yeah, hang on one second. 263 00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:16,556 Listen, this is not just your pregnancy. You are purposely turning your brain off. 264 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:18,280 You have to at least try to pay attention. 265 00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:19,510 Ma'am? Yeah. 266 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,916 Do you have a receipt for that sweatshirt? Oh, shoot. 267 00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:23,673 I'm gonna need you to come back into the store. 268 00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:26,150 Oh, no. I forgot I was wearing it. It's no big deal. Here. 269 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:27,674 Ma'am, the store. 270 00:12:27,760 --> 00:12:30,798 Are you kidding me? I didn't try to steal a sweatshirt. 271 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:32,593 Sir, I'm a mom. Uh-huh. 272 00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:35,070 - Gloria, help me out. - Listen, Mr. Policeman. 273 00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:38,471 If we wanted to steal it, you wouldn't even know that it was gone! 274 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,756 Yeah, okay. That's not helping. 275 00:12:51,560 --> 00:12:54,678 Ooh! Oop! Ooh! 276 00:12:54,760 --> 00:12:55,989 Ew! 277 00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:58,879 Oh, my God! A gold bracelet! 278 00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:01,634 Hey, can we keep what we find? 279 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:03,791 Unbelievable. 280 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:08,400 Really? 281 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,159 Gentlemen, you wanna know about the real ultimate Frisbee? 282 00:13:15,240 --> 00:13:17,630 Walk with one balanced on your head for 50 meters. 283 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,235 It is a measure of poise, balance and posture. 284 00:13:20,360 --> 00:13:24,070 Let's just whip the Frisbees at each other as hard as we can and see who quits first. 285 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,994 Frisbee smash. Awesome! Let's go! 286 00:13:27,080 --> 00:13:29,151 Oh, my God, I'm Sisyphus. 287 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:31,311 A big one! Ha, ha! 288 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:35,189 So he's out in our yard and he's got a boom box- 289 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:36,919 What's the name of that movie with the boom box? 290 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:39,077 Oh, Say Anything. With John Mahoney. 291 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,278 So anyway, he's out there, and he's begging Claire for forgiveness. 292 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,795 She's still mad at him. She won't have any of it. 293 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,315 So he turns it up full blast, 294 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:49,278 and it's Olivia Newton-John. 295 00:13:50,920 --> 00:13:53,560 And he starts singing, "Let's get Philsical." 296 00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:57,992 - It was an inside joke. - Oh, not anymore. 297 00:13:58,080 --> 00:13:59,992 Okay, enough with the funny Phil stories. 298 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:01,719 But I haven't even gotten to the best part yet. 299 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,156 So he's doing his little dance, and I can't take any more, 300 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:06,272 so I nail him with the sprinklers. 301 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,273 Yep, and you also shorted out my boom box, 302 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:12,000 which you said you'd replace and you never did. I never said that! 303 00:14:12,080 --> 00:14:14,560 Yes, you did. You still owe me one boom box, 12 "D" batteries... 304 00:14:14,600 --> 00:14:16,114 and an Olivia Newton-John cassingle. 305 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,477 Huh. Okay, uh- 306 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,392 Why don't we settle it in the ring? 307 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:25,474 We get in there, and if you beat me, I'll buy you any boom box you want. 308 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,519 If I beat you, then you've gotta do your little dance for everyone. 309 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,114 Yeah! 310 00:14:31,200 --> 00:14:32,600 I'm in. 311 00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,160 Let's get Philsical. 312 00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,919 I wasn't worried. I'd boxed in the navy. 313 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,560 And it was Phil. 314 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,400 And here's something I thought I'd never say- 315 00:14:41,480 --> 00:14:45,918 I'd rather box my daughter's husband than my son's. 316 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,714 Whoo! Yeah! 317 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:53,156 Yeah, come on! Ohh! 318 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:55,277 Ohh! Ohh! 319 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,033 Yeah! Yeah! 320 00:14:57,120 --> 00:15:01,000 I may have been holding on to a tiny bit of anger towards Jay. 321 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,517 I scooped ice cream all summer for that boom box! 322 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:10,430 Oh! 323 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,677 Excuse me. Pardon me. We're here! We're here! 324 00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:16,400 - We came as fast as we could! - You couldn't change? 325 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:18,517 You said come right away! 326 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:20,671 Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. 327 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:24,356 Oakwood Rep's production of Cats-Make sure you catch it this week. 328 00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:28,832 Word on the street is the understudy steals the show! 329 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:32,675 Mitchell, I get two more shows. Kenny van Heffington's toenail is infected! 330 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:34,274 Just get up here, all right? 331 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:37,080 The crew has to leave at dark, so you have until then. 332 00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,719 Easy peasy. 333 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:40,961 Sweetie, tell Daddy what you thought of my performance. 334 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:42,229 Transcendent. 335 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:43,674 Ah, geez. 336 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,513 Is this sap? 337 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,114 Why would I buy hundreds of dollars worth of merchandise... 338 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:51,839 and then steal a $20 sweatshirt? 339 00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:55,675 I don't know. Maybe you do it for the thrill. 340 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:59,117 I know your type. You're a bored housewife, drives a minivan, 341 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,112 husband spends a little too much time online. 342 00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,510 Got a couple of kids, a college degree you don't use. 343 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,080 You could not be more wrong. 344 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,958 Yes. She has three kids. 345 00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:10,078 Okay, no. No, no. No, no. No. That's not helping. 346 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,073 Look, as I said before, it was an accident. 347 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,793 Heard it a thousand times. 348 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:18,840 Grandmothers, businessmen, honor students. They all say the same thing. 349 00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:22,197 "It was an accident. I don't know how that clock radio got in my pants." 350 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:25,239 Oh, for God's sake! I don't feel well. Let us go. 351 00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,915 Yeah, right. Is that even a baby? 352 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,152 'Cause from here, it looks like a turkey. 353 00:16:31,240 --> 00:16:34,233 I need you to sign this, admitting your guilt... 354 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:35,913 and promising you'll never return to this store. 355 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:38,111 I'm not signing that. Okay, great. 356 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,550 Then I'm gonna call the police and I'll be forced to-Aah! 357 00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:42,558 What was that? 358 00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:46,998 My water broke! I'm having the baby! 359 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,080 Hey. 360 00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,834 Sorry about that. I went a little nuts there. 361 00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:56,872 I don't know what happened. 362 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,553 I do. 363 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:00,711 I was ragging on you in front of your friends. 364 00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:03,196 Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. 365 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,472 I couldn't think of anything else to say. Why not? 366 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:09,359 I got 20, 25 years on those guys. We got nothing in common. 367 00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:10,999 It's only gonna get worse. 368 00:17:11,080 --> 00:17:13,515 I mean, what's it gonna be like with the new kid in 10 years? 369 00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,035 Oh, my goodness. 370 00:17:16,120 --> 00:17:19,875 You're insecure and vulnerable. This is the cutest thing I've ever seen. 371 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:22,117 Shut up. Who's a shy bunny? 372 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:24,317 You wanna go one more round, without the gloves? 373 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,517 I'm just playing around, Jay. 374 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,479 I don't care how old you are. I could sit and talk to you all day. 375 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,672 Those guys really liked you too. I don't care about that. 376 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,831 Did they? 377 00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:37,156 Even Jerry? Yes. 378 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,756 Well, maybe you're right. I mean, Manny didn't want to come and look at him. 379 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:42,513 Looks like he's having a great time. 380 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:47,038 So then Luke's dad grabs the Taser from me, and he was like, "Uhh! Uhh!" 381 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:51,200 No. No! That's not how it happened. 382 00:17:51,280 --> 00:17:54,193 ¡Ay, ay! It hurts! 383 00:17:54,280 --> 00:17:57,079 Hang in there! Hang in there! I'll get you to the hospital as soon as I can. 384 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,391 I just want to apologize one more time on behalf of the store... 385 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:00,960 for any stress that I might have caused you. 386 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,753 Here, you can keep the sweatshirt as a gift. 387 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:06,151 And congratulations on this baby, which is clearly not a turkey. That was- 388 00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,675 Go away now! Yeah. 389 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,793 ¡Ay! ¡Ay! Okay. Go on. Go on. Get in. You good? 390 00:18:11,920 --> 00:18:14,674 What hospital are we going to? No! No hospital! 391 00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,514 No hospital. Wow. Oh, you're one of those, huh? 392 00:18:17,600 --> 00:18:20,479 Okay, please don't have it in the pool, though, 'cause we swim in there. 393 00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:24,713 I'm not having the baby, Claire. I was just faking it. 394 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:26,354 What? 395 00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,399 Not bad for someone with pregnancy brain, huh? 396 00:18:29,480 --> 00:18:33,474 Okay, that's good. That was very good. Good thinking, Gloria. 397 00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:35,950 I'm sorry. I just couldn't sit there and watch you suffer... 398 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:37,997 just because you had turned your brain off. 399 00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:40,510 Okay, I deserve that. 400 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,791 Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no. 401 00:18:42,880 --> 00:18:44,678 I just blew through a red light. Damn. 402 00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,150 You think you can keep the pregnancy thing up for a little while longer? 403 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:52,510 ¡Ay! I feel the head! Feel it! Feel it! 404 00:18:52,640 --> 00:18:54,472 Save it! Save it for the cop! 405 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:55,550 Save it. 406 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:02,393 All right, guys, that's it. Pack it up! 407 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:05,791 You win for today. See you on Monday. 408 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:07,872 - That's it? - That's it. 409 00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,469 So I'll go to city hall on Monday and see what I can do, 410 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,517 but... you did it, Cam. 411 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,718 No, we did it. I had to run away, and you stepped in, 412 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,833 and like an understudy, you gave a brilliant performance. 413 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,673 Yeah, but you're the star. 414 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,194 Oh, well. 415 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,637 Can we stop doing this and go home? 416 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,189 Yes, Lily, but I want you to remember this moment. 417 00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,521 The day your daddies made you proud. 418 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:36,636 Turn her away, Mitchell! 419 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,549 Turn her away! 420 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:43,074 Ew. 421 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,559 Alex, what are you doing here? 422 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,998 Learning a valuable lesson about karma... 423 00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:58,039 and how wrong it is to take pleasure in people's embarrassment. 424 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:03,036 Wow. I don't know what any of that means, but you look like hell. 425 00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:04,156 Say "geek." 426 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:05,270 No! 427 00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,397 He's a vandalizer! 428 00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:13,713 593 likes and counting. 429 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,200 Who does he belong to? 430 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:22,152 He's mine. 431 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,994 It was a great ending to an amazing day. 432 00:20:26,120 --> 00:20:29,079 Look. I even made the paper. 433 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,356 "Bizarre Protest Saves Park Tree." 434 00:20:31,440 --> 00:20:33,033 Oh. Look. What's this? 435 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,710 "This production of Cats should be put to sleep"? Don't read that. 436 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,029 Don't- 437 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:47,360 Oh, hey, Gloria. 438 00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:50,638 Listen, I called Jay about borrowing a drill for my dresser handles. 439 00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:53,554 I got it right here, Cam! Oh, geez. What's with the getup? 440 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:55,632 Ay, good. You see that too? 441 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,757 Stella, stop. 442 00:20:57,840 --> 00:20:59,797 Ay. Shh, shh. Sorry, Cam. 443 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,190 Oh, no, don't be. I take it as a compliment. 444 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,155 Cats-now and forever. 445 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:08,801 Well, actually, just till next Thursday. 446 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:11,674 It's been described as transcendent.