1
00:00:01,836 --> 00:00:04,631
It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,714 --> 00:00:07,934
Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,134 --> 00:00:11,846
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:15,016
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,216 --> 00:00:17,986
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:21,648
Lucky there's a man
who positively can do
7
00:00:21,848 --> 00:00:23,066
I All the things that make us
8
00:00:23,266 --> 00:00:24,326
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,526 --> 00:00:30,073
He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy!
10
00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:37,125
We now return
to Jeopardy Presents:
11
00:00:37,325 --> 00:00:39,215
"The Best of Contestant Banter."
12
00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:42,335
So, Ben, it says here
you have a connection to milk.
13
00:00:42,535 --> 00:00:44,045
Yes, funny story.
I discovered recently
14
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:45,722
that l have an allergy to milk.
15
00:00:45,922 --> 00:00:49,676
So l guess we won't
be eating any cheese around you.
16
00:00:49,876 --> 00:00:52,812
And Dennis, you once spent
a night in a tent?
17
00:00:53,012 --> 00:00:55,265
So, uh, what do you guys got
planned for the weekend?
18
00:00:55,465 --> 00:00:57,684
I don't know. l might sit
out in the front yard
19
00:00:57,884 --> 00:00:58,985
with a rake and
wave at cars.
20
00:00:59,185 --> 00:01:00,899
Yeah, and l found a hole
in my fence
21
00:01:01,099 --> 00:01:02,814
I was gonna maybe
stick stuff through.
22
00:01:03,014 --> 00:01:03,740
God, look at us.
23
00:01:03,940 --> 00:01:05,692
How'd we become so dull
and pathetic?
24
00:01:05,892 --> 00:01:06,368
You're right.
25
00:01:06,568 --> 00:01:07,827
I mean, we used
to have hobbies.
26
00:01:08,027 --> 00:01:09,696
Remember when l was
a horse whisperer?
27
00:01:13,199 --> 00:01:14,576
Shh, shh, shh.
28
00:01:17,912 --> 00:01:21,082
That's right.
I bet you're hungry.
29
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:22,458
It's okay.
30
00:01:24,210 --> 00:01:26,921
That calmed you down,
you horse.
31
00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:28,139
Maybe it's time
the three of us
32
00:01:28,339 --> 00:01:29,924
do something exciting
to shake things up.
33
00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:31,426
Hey, now that's
a good idea, Joe!
34
00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:33,094
All right, okay,
I have two ideas.
35
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:34,408
One that l think is awesome,
36
00:01:34,608 --> 00:01:35,522
and one that l think
is stupid.
37
00:01:35,722 --> 00:01:37,432
See if you can guess
which one is which.
38
00:01:37,473 --> 00:01:42,103
We could either
A) Rob a Mafia poker game,
39
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:43,613
or B) Skydive.
40
00:01:43,813 --> 00:01:45,861
Skydiving, huh?
I'd be totally up for that!
41
00:01:46,061 --> 00:01:48,109
Yeah, l've always wanted
to try skydiving!
42
00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:49,986
Really? Eh, could be fun,
I guess.
43
00:01:50,186 --> 00:01:51,946
Besides, l haven't done
anything new
44
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:53,706
since l learned
to use a palm frond.
45
00:01:53,906 --> 00:01:56,117
So do l try
to match your speed?
46
00:01:56,159 --> 00:01:57,727
Yeah, just match my speed.
47
00:01:57,927 --> 00:01:59,445
And do we stagger
our waves
48
00:01:59,645 --> 00:02:00,964
or do 'em
at the same time?
49
00:02:01,164 --> 00:02:02,915
Um, they should've covered this
in orientation.
50
00:02:03,115 --> 00:02:05,293
Guards, have
the new guy executed!
51
00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:06,794
Am l the new guy?
52
00:02:10,048 --> 00:02:12,133
All right, we're almost at
our jumping altitude.
53
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,560
Does anyone have
any questions?
54
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,137
Yeah, l got one. Can l listen
to my iPod on the way down?
55
00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:17,564
Of course. Just as long
56
00:02:17,764 --> 00:02:19,557
as it's not
Tom Petty's "Free Fallin"'.
57
00:02:19,757 --> 00:02:21,142
I'Il just keep
it in my pocket.
58
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:22,185
Any other questions?
59
00:02:22,385 --> 00:02:23,319
Let's do this!
60
00:02:23,519 --> 00:02:27,190
That wasn't a question.
Back of the line.
61
00:02:27,390 --> 00:02:28,566
Okay, let's do this!
62
00:02:28,766 --> 00:02:30,326
Hey!
63
00:02:30,526 --> 00:02:31,886
Whoa, is that
Harrison Ford?
64
00:02:32,086 --> 00:02:33,446
Yeah. It said in
the brochure
65
00:02:33,529 --> 00:02:36,265
that he assists
with all the jumps.
66
00:02:36,465 --> 00:02:39,202
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
67
00:02:39,402 --> 00:02:41,129
Get off my plane!
68
00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,831
Oh, look, he even brought
Calista Flockhart with him.
69
00:02:44,031 --> 00:02:46,292
Uh, Peter, l think that's
just a piece of paper.
70
00:02:46,492 --> 00:02:47,960
Good, 'cause
she looked fat.
71
00:02:48,044 --> 00:02:50,013
Get off my plane!
72
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:52,465
Get off my plane!
Get off my plane!
73
00:02:52,665 --> 00:02:54,017
All right!
74
00:02:54,217 --> 00:02:56,019
Yeah! This is amazing!
75
00:02:56,219 --> 00:02:57,645
I know,
it's unbelievable!
76
00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,223
Hey, guys, let's try
to re-create this feeling
77
00:03:00,423 --> 00:03:02,225
for the rest of our lives,
with drugs.
78
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,188
Oh, it looks like
it's almost time
79
00:03:07,230 --> 00:03:09,032
for us to pull our cords.
80
00:03:09,232 --> 00:03:10,533
Wait, wait, guys.
How about this?
81
00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:13,236
Last one to open their chute
gets 20 bucks.
82
00:03:13,436 --> 00:03:14,946
Okay.
I'm in.
83
00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:19,117
Damn it!
84
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:23,129
I'm dead already, Peter.
85
00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:24,923
You're looking
at a dead man.
86
00:03:25,123 --> 00:03:28,126
I might not even pull
the cord at all.
87
00:03:33,005 --> 00:03:34,716
Holy crap, this is awesome!
88
00:03:34,757 --> 00:03:37,760
I haven't felt a rush like this
since l won that marathon!
89
00:03:43,141 --> 00:03:44,150
I'm Bob Costas,
90
00:03:44,350 --> 00:03:45,893
here with Boston Marathon
winner Peter Griffin.
91
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:47,228
Peter, how did you do it?
92
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:48,071
I'Il tell ya, Bob.
93
00:03:48,271 --> 00:03:49,906
I just got in my car
and drove it.
94
00:03:50,106 --> 00:03:52,859
And when there was a guy
in my way, l killed him.
95
00:03:56,237 --> 00:03:58,239
Kids, have you seen
your father?
96
00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,250
Hello?
97
00:04:00,450 --> 00:04:02,577
Is dinner almost ready?!
98
00:04:02,618 --> 00:04:04,078
Yes, Peter.
God, where are you?
99
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,046
I can barely hear you.
100
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,498
Pull back my chair
ever so slightly.
101
00:04:10,001 --> 00:04:12,128
Daddy's home.
102
00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:17,767
All right, it's 4:59.
In just a few seconds,
103
00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:21,262
all the unreturned library books
will be officially late.
104
00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:26,017
The wieners was already drawed
in the books when l got 'em.
105
00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:32,482
"Libra: A strange man will
drop into your life." Hmm.
106
00:04:35,276 --> 00:04:39,280
"Pisces: Be careful
at work today."
107
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:50,066
Go, go, go, go,
80, go, go, go, go...
108
00:04:50,266 --> 00:04:52,794
Aw! He so shoulda died!
This is bullcrap!
109
00:04:52,994 --> 00:04:53,970
Stop smiling.
110
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:56,798
90% of the people
playing this are pooping.
111
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:02,303
Hey, Lois, when are you
gonna do the laundry?
112
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,730
I got, like, six
parachutes in there.
113
00:05:03,930 --> 00:05:06,140
Peter, those things are choking
up the washing machine.
114
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,433
Oh, so now l got you
a bad washing machine
115
00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:08,943
for Christmas.
116
00:05:09,143 --> 00:05:10,144
Little tip, Stewie:
117
00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:12,146
Love dies, and
that's okay.
118
00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:14,507
I write down all his advice
in a little notebook.
119
00:05:14,707 --> 00:05:17,026
Yesterday's was, "I've
never seen a pigeon die
120
00:05:17,226 --> 00:05:18,319
"from eating food
on the ground,
121
00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:20,154
so what's the big whoop?"
122
00:05:20,196 --> 00:05:21,889
Peter, this skydiving thing
has gotta stop.
123
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,583
You've destroyed half
the neighborhood.
124
00:05:23,783 --> 00:05:26,160
And l'm afraid you're
gonna really hurt yourself.
125
00:05:26,202 --> 00:05:27,086
I'm sorry, Lois.
126
00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:28,630
But skydiving is
who l am now.
127
00:05:28,830 --> 00:05:30,465
It's like they say,
fish gotta swim,
128
00:05:30,665 --> 00:05:33,334
birds gotta fly,
and gay guys gotta criticize
129
00:05:33,534 --> 00:05:35,336
the host of the party
behind his back.
130
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,338
Oh, my God, look,
a bowl of MandM's.
131
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,640
What are we, six?
132
00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:40,842
I know. And remind me
to get the recipe
133
00:05:41,042 --> 00:05:42,301
for those chopped-up
hot dogs.
134
00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:46,022
Oh, my God, Josh,
this party is so amazing!
135
00:05:46,222 --> 00:05:49,166
Everything is perfect!
We're having so much fun!
136
00:05:49,366 --> 00:05:52,311
Oh, thanks! l'm so glad
you guys could make it!
137
00:05:52,511 --> 00:05:54,230
Come on. He saw us.
Let's go.
138
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,785
First time?
139
00:05:58,985 --> 00:06:00,161
Yeah.You?
140
00:06:00,361 --> 00:06:03,114
No.
No, not my first time.
141
00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:05,992
Thanks for the lift, Gil.
142
00:06:06,075 --> 00:06:07,743
I think l'Il take
the express down.
143
00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:27,063
Ah, just as gorgeous as ever.
144
00:06:27,263 --> 00:06:30,725
Actually puts me in the mind
to write a spoken word poem.
145
00:06:30,925 --> 00:06:33,019
Am l falling or am l flying?
146
00:06:33,102 --> 00:06:35,629
Am l living or am l dying?
147
00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:38,157
O, Great Spirit, free me
148
00:06:38,357 --> 00:06:41,110
from the bonds of gravity
and criticism.
149
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:43,237
Deliver me
from my greatest enemy.
150
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,706
His name is Peter.
151
00:06:44,906 --> 00:06:48,284
More specifically,
Peter's Shyness In Public.
152
00:06:48,484 --> 00:06:50,036
O, Great Spirit,
153
00:06:50,119 --> 00:06:52,538
why do l hold myself back
in such situa...?
154
00:06:52,738 --> 00:06:55,291
Oh,
the ground!
155
00:06:55,491 --> 00:06:57,844
Damn it!
156
00:06:58,044 --> 00:06:59,220
The Eiffel Tower?
157
00:06:59,420 --> 00:07:00,847
Oh, cool, l'm in Paris!
158
00:07:01,047 --> 00:07:04,050
Hey, look at that douchebag
who got stabbed in the butt!
159
00:07:04,133 --> 00:07:06,928
Aw, crap, l'm in Vegas.
160
00:07:12,934 --> 00:07:14,610
Well, Peter, l'm glad
you're all right,
161
00:07:14,810 --> 00:07:17,313
but l hope this is the end
of your skydiving career.
162
00:07:17,513 --> 00:07:18,239
Yeah, l'm sorry, Lois.
163
00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:20,570
You know, when l thought
I was gonna die,
164
00:07:20,770 --> 00:07:22,702
I saw my whole life flash
before my eyes,
165
00:07:22,902 --> 00:07:25,371
and we did way too much
Star Wars crap.
166
00:07:25,571 --> 00:07:28,199
I should get the kids home.
It's way past dinner.
167
00:07:28,399 --> 00:07:29,751
What she really means is
168
00:07:29,951 --> 00:07:31,878
that it's shaky Mommy's
white wine time.
169
00:07:32,078 --> 00:07:34,080
Let's go, kids! Come on!
We really gotta go, kids.
170
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:35,089
Let's go! Come on!
171
00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,775
Excuse me. Now that
your family is gone,
172
00:07:37,975 --> 00:07:40,223
would you mind if
we turn on the TV?
173
00:07:40,423 --> 00:07:42,672
Oh, hey. l didn't know
anyone was here.
174
00:07:42,872 --> 00:07:43,973
I, uh, l was just kidding
175
00:07:44,173 --> 00:07:46,092
when l told my family
I loved 'em.
176
00:07:46,292 --> 00:07:46,768
I am Mahmoud.
177
00:07:46,968 --> 00:07:49,370
I'm Peter. You know,
I never seen a hat
178
00:07:49,570 --> 00:07:51,973
like that before,
so l'm very scared of it.
179
00:07:52,173 --> 00:07:53,483
No, this is just
a taqiyah.
180
00:07:53,683 --> 00:07:55,234
It's a traditional
Muslim prayer cap.
181
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:58,229
Oh. Hey, you know who'd look
funny wearing one of those?
182
00:07:58,429 --> 00:08:00,168
The Monopoly guy.
183
00:08:00,368 --> 00:08:01,908
Correct!
184
00:08:02,108 --> 00:08:04,110
Go directly to jail
and convert to Islam!
185
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:06,320
'Cause they do that!
186
00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,326
Yes,
that is what l intended.
187
00:08:08,526 --> 00:08:10,491
Hey, you're all right,
Mahmoud.
188
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:11,751
You, too, Peter.
189
00:08:11,951 --> 00:08:13,853
So, what do you
wanna watch?
190
00:08:14,053 --> 00:08:15,755
Well, if you turn on
Channel 14,
191
00:08:15,955 --> 00:08:18,165
we can probably catch the end
of Muslim Looney Tunes.
192
00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:23,504
As a pig, l am very dirty
193
00:08:23,546 --> 00:08:26,173
and should not be touched
by humans.
194
00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,978
So, how was
the hospital, Peter?
195
00:08:31,178 --> 00:08:32,814
Oh, my God,
that place was incredible.
196
00:08:33,014 --> 00:08:36,142
They have this one jar, whole
thing was full of cotton balls.
197
00:08:36,342 --> 00:08:39,020
It's amazing how far
medical technology has come.
198
00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:41,313
Well, sure is good
to have you back.
199
00:08:41,513 --> 00:08:42,615
Joe is, uh...
200
00:08:42,815 --> 00:08:45,818
chattier than you'd think
he'd be when you're not here.
201
00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:46,702
Look, l'm just saying
202
00:08:46,902 --> 00:08:48,616
if "pro" is the opposite
of "con",
203
00:08:48,816 --> 00:08:50,531
what is the opposite
of "progress"?
204
00:08:50,573 --> 00:08:51,374
Think about it.
205
00:08:51,574 --> 00:08:52,834
You know, l actually had
206
00:08:53,034 --> 00:08:54,518
a pretty good time in
the hospital.
207
00:08:54,718 --> 00:08:56,003
I even made a new friend.
You did?
208
00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:59,957
In fact, l told him to swing by
if he had time.
209
00:09:00,157 --> 00:09:01,042
It's "congress."
210
00:09:01,242 --> 00:09:02,009
Hello, Peter!
211
00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:04,670
Oh, hey! You made it!
Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud.
212
00:09:04,870 --> 00:09:06,338
Mahmoud, this is Brian,
Quagmire and Joe.
213
00:09:06,538 --> 00:09:07,139
Hello.
Hi, there.
214
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,716
Hey, there. Hello. How are you?
215
00:09:08,916 --> 00:09:09,892
Have a seat.
216
00:09:10,092 --> 00:09:11,894
Any friend of Peter's is
a friend of ours.
217
00:09:12,094 --> 00:09:14,221
Hey, Mahmoud, you know,
I'm actually glad you're here.
218
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:15,848
Settle an argument
we were having earlier.
219
00:09:16,048 --> 00:09:17,099
Which Spanish chick has
better jugs:
220
00:09:17,299 --> 00:09:19,026
Salma Hayek
or the other one?
221
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,604
Oh, but l do not pay
attention to such things.
222
00:09:21,804 --> 00:09:22,989
I am married.
What?
223
00:09:23,189 --> 00:09:24,282
Okay, well,
how about this, Mahmoud?
224
00:09:24,482 --> 00:09:26,358
You know "progress" has
the word "pro" in it, right?
225
00:09:26,558 --> 00:09:27,410
Shut up, Joe!
226
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,987
Hey, you guys, come on.
Let's get the man a drink.
227
00:09:30,187 --> 00:09:31,280
What are you having?
228
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,573
How about a ginger ale?
229
00:09:32,615 --> 00:09:35,367
But if you'Il excuse me,
right now l have to go
230
00:09:35,451 --> 00:09:38,370
bring great shame to myself
by using the restroom.
231
00:09:38,570 --> 00:09:39,559
Isn't he great?
232
00:09:39,759 --> 00:09:40,548
No, he's weird.
233
00:09:40,748 --> 00:09:42,049
Why'd he order
a ginger ale?
234
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:43,880
And who the hell doesn't
look at jugs?
235
00:09:44,080 --> 00:09:45,511
Yeah, and he's got
his cell phone clipped
236
00:09:45,711 --> 00:09:48,380
to his belt like he's some
kind of big shot on vacation.
237
00:09:48,580 --> 00:09:50,391
Oh, l see what's going on.
238
00:09:50,591 --> 00:09:52,760
You guys are uncomfortable with
Mahmoud because he's Muslim.
239
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,312
What? What are you
talking about?
240
00:09:54,512 --> 00:09:56,314
This is your post-9/11 racism
talking.
241
00:09:56,514 --> 00:09:59,100
I, for one, think it's great
that Peter has enough
242
00:09:59,300 --> 00:10:01,068
of an open mind
to have a Muslim friend.
243
00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:04,105
You know, a lot of dogs
just sit outside, tied to poles.
244
00:10:04,305 --> 00:10:05,573
Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay?
245
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:08,609
So he's Muslim.
Every culture has its quirks.
246
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,611
Italian guys talk
with their hands a lot,
247
00:10:10,811 --> 00:10:11,954
Irish guys drink a lot,
248
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,782
black guys change their shirts
while they tell you a story.
249
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,700
So, how's Bernadette?
She's all right.
250
00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,619
She's taking interior
design classes
251
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:19,962
down at the
community college.
252
00:10:20,162 --> 00:10:22,248
I mean, she's good at
haircutting and everything.
253
00:10:22,448 --> 00:10:24,291
They gave her the chair
right by the door.
254
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:25,718
But l guess now
she wants
255
00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:27,569
to hang plates on the
wall or whatever.
256
00:10:27,769 --> 00:10:29,421
And you know she gained
the weight back
257
00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:30,422
from the Lap-Band,
right?
258
00:10:30,506 --> 00:10:32,299
That Bernadette
and her pie.
259
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,634
You know it, brother.
260
00:10:33,676 --> 00:10:36,303
Okay, l'm gonna go eat this
steak in the bathroom.
261
00:10:36,503 --> 00:10:37,638
Thanks for getting
dinner, man.
262
00:10:44,270 --> 00:10:46,755
Wow, this place is
really cool, Mahmoud.
263
00:10:46,955 --> 00:10:49,241
It's like ear-bloodening
sounds had sex
264
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:52,319
with nose-bloodening smells
and this is their baby.
265
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:53,871
I am glad
you are enjoying yourself.
266
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:56,082
Would you like some
of my meat fooshnoosh?
267
00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:58,826
It's a chicken that has
been yelled at for two hours
268
00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,661
and then run over
by a Mercedes.
269
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:02,129
Mmm! Mmm! Oh!
270
00:11:02,329 --> 00:11:04,456
You can really taste
the fear in the chicken.
271
00:11:04,656 --> 00:11:05,383
You know, Peter,
272
00:11:05,583 --> 00:11:07,293
a lot of people are
not as accepting
273
00:11:07,493 --> 00:11:08,761
of Muslim culture
as you are.
274
00:11:08,961 --> 00:11:10,963
Well, l think everything
about it is the best.
275
00:11:11,163 --> 00:11:12,098
Like this hookah.
276
00:11:12,298 --> 00:11:13,949
I mean, who doesn't want
to sit around a table
277
00:11:14,149 --> 00:11:15,801
with a bunch of guys and
suck on the same thing?
278
00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,915
Mmm, it's like smoking
my grandfather's jacket.
279
00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:24,685
Man, l wish l could stay
here all night, Mahmoud.
280
00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:25,987
But l'm supposed
to pick up
281
00:11:26,187 --> 00:11:27,313
the dry cleaning
before it closes.
282
00:11:27,513 --> 00:11:29,106
I killed a mouse
with my tie.
283
00:11:29,306 --> 00:11:29,991
Nonsense.
284
00:11:30,191 --> 00:11:31,483
I'Il have my wife
pick it up for you.
285
00:11:31,683 --> 00:11:32,860
What?
She'd do that?
286
00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:34,787
Oh, absolutely.
287
00:11:34,987 --> 00:11:37,239
I need you to run an errand
for my friend Peter.
288
00:11:37,439 --> 00:11:38,124
Of course.
289
00:11:38,324 --> 00:11:40,242
Anything for you,
husband.
290
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:42,169
That was amazing.
291
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,246
She just listened
to everything you said.
292
00:11:44,446 --> 00:11:45,247
Of course she listened.
293
00:11:45,447 --> 00:11:46,173
In Muslim culture,
294
00:11:46,373 --> 00:11:48,375
wives are much more obedient.
295
00:11:48,575 --> 00:11:49,552
No way!
That's awesome!
296
00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:51,378
So wait, let me
get this straight:
297
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:52,680
Sweet hat, obedient wife,
298
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:55,341
and l get to shout
"Admiral Akbar"
299
00:11:55,541 --> 00:11:56,183
when l do stuff?
300
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:59,261
You, sir, have got
yourself a Muslim.
301
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:05,818
Peter, where
are you going?
302
00:12:06,018 --> 00:12:07,319
And why are you
dressed like that?
303
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:09,155
Well, Lois, l happen
to be a Muslim now,
304
00:12:09,355 --> 00:12:11,232
which means l'Il be
spending a lot of my time
305
00:12:11,432 --> 00:12:13,234
in mostly-empty cafes,
watching soccer
306
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:15,131
on an eight-inch
black-and-white TV.
307
00:12:15,331 --> 00:12:16,829
Yes! The team l like
is kicking it!
308
00:12:17,029 --> 00:12:18,868
Oh no! The team l don't like
is kicking it!
309
00:12:19,068 --> 00:12:20,889
Yes! The team l like
is kicking it again!
310
00:12:21,089 --> 00:12:22,910
I will celebrate
with finger cymbals.
311
00:12:25,037 --> 00:12:26,213
Hey, is that for real,
312
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,541
that-that "Diarrhea Only" sign
on your bathroom?
313
00:12:32,253 --> 00:12:33,971
Peter, this is my friend Omar.
314
00:12:34,171 --> 00:12:36,048
He can teach you many things
about our faith,
315
00:12:36,248 --> 00:12:37,654
including how to ululate.
316
00:12:37,854 --> 00:12:39,260
What's that?
It's this:
317
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,229
Oh, my God!
That's terrifying.
318
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:43,555
I don't know if
I'm ready for that.
319
00:12:43,755 --> 00:12:44,732
No, Peter, it's okay.
320
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,734
Just sing the
beginning of "La Bamba,"
321
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,690
but don't say the "La Bamba" part.
Oh, okay.
322
00:12:48,890 --> 00:12:50,446
Yes, good job!
323
00:12:50,646 --> 00:12:51,939
You're doing it!
I Bamba.
324
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,565
Ooh, so close.
325
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:58,070
All right, Lois,
I'm off to the bazaar.
326
00:12:58,270 --> 00:12:59,071
What do you mean?
327
00:12:59,271 --> 00:13:00,113
You mean the market?
328
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:00,956
Yeah, the bazaar.
329
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:02,574
Well, if you're
going to the market,
330
00:13:02,774 --> 00:13:03,375
can you pick
up some cereal,
331
00:13:03,575 --> 00:13:04,952
some butter, and
a loaf of bread?
332
00:13:05,152 --> 00:13:06,412
I'Il see what
they have.
333
00:13:06,612 --> 00:13:07,963
All right, Lois.
334
00:13:08,163 --> 00:13:09,707
Here's six cobras,
a bolt of silk,
335
00:13:09,907 --> 00:13:10,833
and a ram's horn.
336
00:13:11,033 --> 00:13:11,759
Peter, what the hell?
337
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,961
Hey, can you help me
with the 20 paper bags
338
00:13:14,161 --> 00:13:15,137
of dates l got in the car?
339
00:13:15,337 --> 00:13:17,798
Why the hell would you
get 20 bags of dates?
340
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,967
The monkey in the little
vest who was selling them
341
00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,302
happened to be
very persuasive.
342
00:13:21,502 --> 00:13:22,469
You know what?
343
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:23,229
Fine.
344
00:13:23,429 --> 00:13:24,772
I'm just gonna
assume this will pass,
345
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:28,058
like your "everywhere is a
racquetball court" phase.
346
00:13:39,486 --> 00:13:41,488
So, Mike, now that you've
thoroughly kicked my butt
347
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:42,998
all over the court,
what do you say we take
348
00:13:43,198 --> 00:13:45,367
one quick second to talk
about the Wichita account?
349
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:47,169
And let me assure you,
my racquetball game
350
00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:50,205
is no indication of how we do
business here at J.T. Stern.
351
00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:52,958
Okay, zero serving zero.
352
00:13:55,336 --> 00:13:56,633
I have to say, Peter,
353
00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:57,930
lam impressed by how much
354
00:13:58,130 --> 00:13:59,631
you have committed
yourself to Islam.
355
00:13:59,831 --> 00:14:00,808
Are you kidding?
It's awesome.
356
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:02,634
I even started wearing
leather sandals
357
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,061
with way-too-long
toenails.
358
00:14:04,261 --> 00:14:05,846
See how the big ones
are getting yellow?
359
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,523
Ah, yes, very Muslim.
360
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,142
Listen, Peter, some
friends of mine and I
361
00:14:10,342 --> 00:14:11,443
are getting
together tonight
362
00:14:11,643 --> 00:14:13,395
and we wanted to invite
you to join us.
363
00:14:13,595 --> 00:14:15,156
O.M.A.
364
00:14:15,356 --> 00:14:16,323
lam so there!
365
00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:17,924
Whose crappy van
should we take?
366
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,526
Actually, we are
meeting here.
367
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:21,487
Follow me.
368
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:24,081
Oh, hey, you guys.
369
00:14:24,281 --> 00:14:25,332
Hey, is anyone
gonna object
370
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,534
if l pick my nose
with a dagger?
371
00:14:27,734 --> 00:14:28,889
Mahmoud,
who is this man?
372
00:14:29,089 --> 00:14:30,380
Why would you
bring him here?
373
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:31,872
Do not worry.
This is Peter.
374
00:14:31,914 --> 00:14:33,248
He believes
in our cause.
375
00:14:33,448 --> 00:14:34,457
How can
you be sure?
376
00:14:34,657 --> 00:14:35,667
Give him the test.
377
00:14:37,878 --> 00:14:38,846
Who is better?
378
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:41,423
Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik?
379
00:14:41,623 --> 00:14:43,550
Um, the Iron Sheik?
380
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,677
Okay. He is one of us.
381
00:14:45,877 --> 00:14:46,353
I told you.
382
00:14:46,553 --> 00:14:48,372
Look at him,
he is the perfect man
383
00:14:48,572 --> 00:14:50,391
to help us blow up
the Quahog Bridge.
384
00:14:53,185 --> 00:14:54,190
Ah! Oh my God!
385
00:14:54,390 --> 00:14:55,396
Everybody down!
386
00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:59,066
So are these toys just, like,
to take?
387
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,907
Hey, guys, what football
team should l like?
388
00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:07,875
Mahmoud says
we all need
389
00:15:08,075 --> 00:15:10,665
to act like we're fans
of American football
390
00:15:10,865 --> 00:15:13,455
so we seem less...
b-buh... buhspicious.
391
00:15:13,655 --> 00:15:14,957
What?
What are you talking about?
392
00:15:15,157 --> 00:15:16,008
I'm talking about Mahmoud.
393
00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:18,548
You know, l actually feel
really bad for him.
394
00:15:18,748 --> 00:15:21,088
Did you know he knew 19 guys
who died on 9/11?
395
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:22,527
I mean, what are the odds?
396
00:15:22,727 --> 00:15:23,872
Peter, l think
you joined
397
00:15:24,072 --> 00:15:25,217
a terrorist
sleeper cell.
398
00:15:25,417 --> 00:15:26,602
What?! That's crazy.
399
00:15:26,802 --> 00:15:28,595
Look, l'm gonna
call Mahmoud right now
400
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:29,930
on this cell
phone he gave me.
401
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:30,931
He'Il tell you.
402
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:34,605
Damn phone's busted.
403
00:15:34,805 --> 00:15:35,811
Maybe l dialed wrong.
404
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:40,941
Peter, please stop trying
to call Mahmoud.
405
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:41,909
This is very
serious.
406
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,735
Your friends
are terrorists.
407
00:15:43,935 --> 00:15:44,787
Think about it.
408
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:46,451
They're... they're
meeting in secret,
409
00:15:46,651 --> 00:15:48,115
they're creating
cover stories...
410
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:49,625
Oh, my God, you're right!
411
00:15:49,825 --> 00:15:51,743
See, l told you
Mahmoud was bad news!
412
00:15:51,943 --> 00:15:53,244
Those guys are
all bad news.
413
00:15:53,444 --> 00:15:54,546
Hang on there,
Quagmire.
414
00:15:54,746 --> 00:15:56,748
Just because these few
guys are terrorists
415
00:15:56,948 --> 00:15:58,050
doesn't mean
all Muslims are.
416
00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:00,527
Every ethnic group
has their nut-jobs.
417
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:02,805
We have the Unabomber,
Timothy McVeigh,
418
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,840
and even that fat guy
at the Atlanta Olympics
419
00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:06,633
who didn't do it,
but he looked mean,
420
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:07,768
so we said he did.
421
00:16:07,968 --> 00:16:10,095
Joe, you don't get to talk
about the regular Olympics.
422
00:16:10,295 --> 00:16:11,689
Well, l gotta go
down there right now
423
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:13,474
and tell Mahmoud we can't
be friends anymore.
424
00:16:13,674 --> 00:16:14,441
Wait a minute, Peter.
425
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,768
This could actually
be an opportunity.
426
00:16:16,968 --> 00:16:18,645
You're already
in their group.
427
00:16:18,845 --> 00:16:19,780
They trust you.
428
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,278
If you can find out what
they're planning next,
429
00:16:22,478 --> 00:16:24,776
we might actually be able
to stop an act of terror.
430
00:16:24,976 --> 00:16:26,078
You'd be a hero.
431
00:16:26,278 --> 00:16:28,664
Well, l...
I could try.
432
00:16:28,864 --> 00:16:30,411
I mean, l am a
pretty good actor.
433
00:16:30,611 --> 00:16:32,098
Remember how upset
I seemed to get
434
00:16:32,298 --> 00:16:33,785
when Lois said she
was leaving town
435
00:16:33,985 --> 00:16:34,962
with the kids
for a few days?
436
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:37,664
Oh, my God, l'm gonna
miss you guys so much.
437
00:16:37,864 --> 00:16:39,166
Don't forget to call
and let me know
438
00:16:39,366 --> 00:16:41,168
exactly when
you'Il be back.
439
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,294
Get out.
440
00:16:46,632 --> 00:16:47,850
Okay, you're all set.
441
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,969
Remember, we'Il be in the van
listening to everything,
442
00:16:51,169 --> 00:16:52,146
so if anything goes wrong,
443
00:16:52,346 --> 00:16:53,972
we'Il pull you right
out of there.
444
00:16:54,172 --> 00:16:54,815
Don't you worry, Joe.
445
00:16:55,015 --> 00:16:56,667
I'Il blend in
like a chameleon
446
00:16:56,867 --> 00:16:58,519
in Courtney
Love's crotch.
447
00:16:58,719 --> 00:16:59,820
Oh my God!
448
00:17:00,020 --> 00:17:02,235
Where did you
just come from?
449
00:17:02,435 --> 00:17:04,650
A very, very
bad hiding place.
450
00:17:08,028 --> 00:17:09,663
Okay, before we get started,
451
00:17:09,863 --> 00:17:12,032
I have an announcement
from headquarters.
452
00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:13,334
"No more shorts."
453
00:17:13,534 --> 00:17:15,994
And this isn't coming from me,
this is management.
454
00:17:16,194 --> 00:17:17,538
This is about me, isn't it?
455
00:17:17,738 --> 00:17:18,839
They don't name names.
456
00:17:19,039 --> 00:17:22,376
They just say,
"No more shorts," okay?
457
00:17:22,576 --> 00:17:24,044
All right, this is our target.
458
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:24,970
The Quahog Bridge.
459
00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:26,847
We loaded a van
with explosives,
460
00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,674
which we will drive
to the bridge and...
461
00:17:28,874 --> 00:17:30,425
Wait a minute- explosives?
462
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,177
Is this not improv class?
463
00:17:32,377 --> 00:17:33,115
No.
464
00:17:33,315 --> 00:17:33,854
Is...
465
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:34,730
is this improv?
466
00:17:34,930 --> 00:17:36,190
Are you doing improv?
467
00:17:36,390 --> 00:17:38,267
No. Now get out that door!
468
00:17:41,520 --> 00:17:43,063
The real door!
469
00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:45,741
Yes, l have a question:
470
00:17:45,941 --> 00:17:48,193
When exactly are we
doing the bombing?
471
00:17:48,393 --> 00:17:49,611
The attack will
happen tomorrow
472
00:17:49,811 --> 00:17:50,829
during afternoon
rush hour.
473
00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:52,748
And that's actually where
you come in, Peter.
474
00:17:52,948 --> 00:17:55,909
In order to get past the
checkpoint at the toll plaza,
475
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:58,245
we will need an American
behind the wheel
476
00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:00,581
to arouse the least amount
of suspicion.
477
00:18:00,781 --> 00:18:01,757
Sorry, can you repeat all that?
478
00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:03,959
I just had an itch
right by my microphone.
479
00:18:04,159 --> 00:18:05,085
Microphone?!
480
00:18:06,086 --> 00:18:07,462
He's wearing a wire!
481
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:13,243
Hey, Joe, can l ask
you a question?
482
00:18:13,443 --> 00:18:14,794
Can you fart? Oh,
of course l can.
483
00:18:14,994 --> 00:18:16,346
I've got a button
for it right here.
484
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,057
Aw, cool!
485
00:18:20,934 --> 00:18:22,736
Hold on. Oh, no!
486
00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:24,605
It sounds like they
found Peter's wire!
487
00:18:24,805 --> 00:18:26,031
Change of plans.
488
00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,734
The attack happens now.
489
00:18:36,325 --> 00:18:37,418
Now drive.
490
00:18:37,618 --> 00:18:39,453
Man, l never thought
it would end like this.
491
00:18:39,653 --> 00:18:40,921
Why, what did
you imagine?
492
00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:44,124
Basically the same thing,
only Nathan Lane.
493
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:47,127
Now, drive!
494
00:18:59,598 --> 00:19:01,224
Okay, you're
good to go.
495
00:19:05,354 --> 00:19:07,147
Pull over up here.
496
00:19:09,274 --> 00:19:11,652
Please, Mahmoud,
don't do this.
497
00:19:11,852 --> 00:19:12,578
It is too late.
498
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:13,829
The job must be done.
499
00:19:14,029 --> 00:19:15,581
Look, l know you're mad
at our government,
500
00:19:15,781 --> 00:19:18,492
but you gotta realize,
that's only part of America.
501
00:19:18,692 --> 00:19:19,835
We're the land of the free
502
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:21,995
and the home of the sunburnt,
freckled fat guy.
503
00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,205
A place where Jenny McCarthy
has a role
504
00:19:24,405 --> 00:19:26,541
in the debate over
childhood vaccinations.
505
00:19:26,741 --> 00:19:28,877
A country where you can walk
into any IHOP
506
00:19:29,077 --> 00:19:29,970
and see black women fighting.
507
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:32,381
And where Ubu is considered
a good dog
508
00:19:32,581 --> 00:19:33,474
even though he never sat.
509
00:19:33,674 --> 00:19:35,476
We're the proud nation
where someone can
510
00:19:35,676 --> 00:19:37,478
shoot up their entire workplace
with a thing,
511
00:19:37,678 --> 00:19:40,514
and then the next day nobody
talks about banning that thing.
512
00:19:40,714 --> 00:19:42,662
It's the land that
lets people on Twitter
513
00:19:42,862 --> 00:19:44,591
spell the word "their"
any way they want.
514
00:19:44,791 --> 00:19:46,320
And where, if you think
you can dance,
515
00:19:46,520 --> 00:19:49,189
that assertion will be
challenged and evaluated.
516
00:19:49,389 --> 00:19:50,690
For we...
517
00:19:50,890 --> 00:19:51,992
are America.
518
00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:53,202
You will not convince me.
519
00:19:53,402 --> 00:19:56,029
America must pay for its sins!
520
00:19:59,324 --> 00:20:01,034
Hold it right there!
521
00:20:03,161 --> 00:20:05,376
Mahmoud, you're under arrest.
522
00:20:05,576 --> 00:20:07,791
Look, Joe,
I drove a van.
523
00:20:14,172 --> 00:20:16,717
Oh, Peter,
I'm so glad you're okay.
524
00:20:16,917 --> 00:20:18,143
Oh, me too, Lois.
525
00:20:18,343 --> 00:20:20,620
That was some
pretty rough stuff.
526
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:22,898
You... you didn't
cry, did you?
527
00:20:23,098 --> 00:20:25,183
Well, l mean, l went
through an awful lot.
528
00:20:25,383 --> 00:20:27,728
Peter, if you cried,
we are done.
529
00:20:27,928 --> 00:20:28,987
Great job, Peter.
530
00:20:29,187 --> 00:20:31,565
Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are
behind bars,
531
00:20:31,765 --> 00:20:33,233
and every middle-class Arab
in this town
532
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:34,713
is now under suspicion.
533
00:20:34,913 --> 00:20:35,994
So what
happens next,
534
00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:37,846
do those guys
all get trials?
535
00:20:38,046 --> 00:20:39,498
Well, you know...
536
00:20:39,698 --> 00:20:43,076
It's a long... it's the
process, and... whatever.
537
00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:43,919
Well, what do
you guys say
538
00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,954
we all go celebrate
at the Clam?
539
00:20:46,154 --> 00:20:47,005
That's a great idea.
540
00:20:47,205 --> 00:20:49,082
Yeah, l think we could
all use a drink.
541
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:50,980
Tell you what,
let me call Horace
542
00:20:51,180 --> 00:20:52,878
and tell him to
get our table ready.
543
00:20:54,755 --> 00:20:57,883
Peter, did you just... Let's
go, let's go, let's go...