1
00:00:13,358 --> 00:00:15,911
I say, I was just thinking...
2
00:00:15,912 --> 00:00:19,708
"I'’ll alert the media."
Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981.
3
00:00:19,709 --> 00:00:22,090
- Shut the fuck up, Colin Robinson.
- Thank you, my darling.
4
00:00:22,091 --> 00:00:25,300
I was just thinking, now that
Gizmo is no longer with us,
5
00:00:25,301 --> 00:00:28,855
perhaps we could repurpose that space
under the stairs that he used to live in.
6
00:00:28,856 --> 00:00:30,374
- So mean!
- What?
7
00:00:30,375 --> 00:00:31,996
You know that it
gives Nandor the pip
8
00:00:31,997 --> 00:00:34,792
when he hears about his
old bouncing little buddy.
9
00:00:34,793 --> 00:00:36,966
I don'’t even know what
you guys are talking about.
10
00:00:36,967 --> 00:00:39,038
- Guillermo.
- Who?
11
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:42,662
The servant boy who used to live
in the rathole under the stairs.
12
00:00:42,663 --> 00:00:47,805
I remember it was the perfect place
for me to store my precious volumes.
13
00:00:47,806 --> 00:00:51,912
I think you will find, Laszlo,
that before Guillermo lived here,
14
00:00:51,913 --> 00:00:54,881
I would use that space
for my "calistheneticals."
15
00:00:54,882 --> 00:00:58,747
No, I think you'’ll find I grabbed
that space as soon as we moved in.
16
00:00:58,748 --> 00:01:00,335
Do you know who would remember?
17
00:01:00,336 --> 00:01:01,267
Who?
18
00:01:01,268 --> 00:01:03,683
- Jerry.
- Yes.
19
00:01:03,684 --> 00:01:05,512
- Jerry. Yeah.
- Jerry.
20
00:01:05,513 --> 00:01:06,893
- Yes.
- Good old Jerry.
21
00:01:06,894 --> 00:01:08,929
- Jerry would remember everything.
- Yes.
22
00:01:08,930 --> 00:01:10,070
Sorry. Who'’s Jerry?
23
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:16,834
Jerry was our fifth roommate
back in the old days.
24
00:01:16,835 --> 00:01:19,630
Jerry'’s a good
guy. Solid vampire.
25
00:01:19,631 --> 00:01:21,390
Jerry was a real leader.
26
00:01:21,391 --> 00:01:22,874
- A man with a plan.
- Yep.
27
00:01:22,875 --> 00:01:26,671
Or rather, a vampire
with a plan-pire.
28
00:01:26,672 --> 00:01:29,709
I mean, the man is all
vampire, no bullshit.
29
00:01:29,710 --> 00:01:32,091
"Jerry the Vampire."
30
00:01:32,092 --> 00:01:35,611
No frills, no chills. No "Blah,
blah, blah the Relentless"
31
00:01:35,612 --> 00:01:37,544
or "Vlad the Whatever."
32
00:01:37,545 --> 00:01:42,135
"Jerry the Vampire."
Bam! Thank you, mister.
33
00:01:42,136 --> 00:01:45,794
Jerry and I used to have
these really long talks,
34
00:01:45,795 --> 00:01:47,796
and he'’d actually listen to me.
35
00:01:47,797 --> 00:01:51,558
He might have been the only person
in this house that actually liked me.
36
00:01:51,559 --> 00:01:53,042
That'’s true.
37
00:01:53,043 --> 00:01:55,286
- Jerry the Vampire. We hardly knew ye.
- Jerry.
38
00:01:55,287 --> 00:01:57,150
Whatever happened to Jerry?
39
00:02:01,431 --> 00:02:02,983
- Oh, my goodness.
- Bollocks.
40
00:02:02,984 --> 00:02:04,951
- Shit. Shit. Fuck.
- What?
41
00:02:04,952 --> 00:02:06,125
I hope Jerry is okay.
42
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,988
This is a real mess-up!
43
00:02:07,989 --> 00:02:12,407
Sometimes a vampire will decide
to go into a super slumber.
44
00:02:12,408 --> 00:02:16,445
Where they will stay sleeping
for decades and decades.
45
00:02:16,446 --> 00:02:20,069
- Awakening only when their f...
- Their fellow vampires wake them up.
46
00:02:20,070 --> 00:02:25,835
We, um, forgot to wake Jerry up
from his super slumber. Oops.
47
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:29,769
Which is an easy thing to forget
48
00:02:29,770 --> 00:02:32,151
because we had a lot going on.
49
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,498
We did. So much.
50
00:02:34,499 --> 00:02:39,779
And also, because Jerry had requested
to be woken up on New Year'’s Eve.
51
00:02:39,780 --> 00:02:42,299
New Year'’s Eve, 1996.
52
00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:43,646
Right.
53
00:02:44,336 --> 00:02:45,819
This one'’s on us.
54
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,756
♪ Don'’t sing If you
want to live long ♪
55
00:02:51,757 --> 00:02:54,828
♪ They have no use
For your song ♪
56
00:02:54,829 --> 00:02:57,314
♪ You'’re dead You'’re
dead, you're dead ♪
57
00:02:57,315 --> 00:02:59,282
♪ You'’re dead And
out of this world ♪
58
00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:04,286
♪ Now your hope And
compassion is gone ♪
59
00:03:04,287 --> 00:03:07,013
♪ You'’ve sold out your
dream To the world ♪
60
00:03:07,014 --> 00:03:09,395
♪ Stay dead, stay
dead Stay dead ♪
61
00:03:09,396 --> 00:03:11,708
♪ You'’re dead And
out of this world ♪
62
00:03:22,857 --> 00:03:24,927
Does anyone remember where
Jerry'’s super-slumber coffin is?
63
00:03:24,928 --> 00:03:26,653
Jerry?
64
00:03:26,654 --> 00:03:28,862
Shh. Don'’t scream
his name like that.
65
00:03:28,863 --> 00:03:31,693
We must find his coffin
and wake him gently.
66
00:03:31,694 --> 00:03:34,661
- Jerry?
- Guys, guys, guys.
67
00:03:34,662 --> 00:03:37,217
- Here he is. It'’s Jerry.
- Oh, gosh.
68
00:03:39,046 --> 00:03:41,876
Jerry? Oh, Jerry?
69
00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,260
- Oh! Oh, my dark lord.
- No, no, no.
70
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,538
What have we done?
71
00:03:49,539 --> 00:03:53,887
Jerry seems to have broken up into seven
or eight pieces that smell like old meat.
72
00:03:53,888 --> 00:03:56,027
- Hold on. This isn'’t Jerry.
- What?
73
00:03:56,028 --> 00:03:58,789
These are leftover body parts
from a scientific experiment
74
00:03:58,790 --> 00:04:00,101
I abandoned decades ago.
75
00:04:01,448 --> 00:04:03,518
Couldn'’t be fucked,
so I just left it all.
76
00:04:03,519 --> 00:04:06,417
To create life. To
use science itself...
77
00:04:06,418 --> 00:04:10,283
chemical galvanism, electrobiology,
etcetera, etcetera...
78
00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:13,424
to reanimate dead tissue.
79
00:04:13,425 --> 00:04:19,119
Now, whomever unlocks that
mystery, is not a man, but a god.
80
00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:20,121
Like Frankenstein.
81
00:04:22,469 --> 00:04:25,505
- Who?
- Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein.
82
00:04:25,506 --> 00:04:26,749
Never heard of him.
83
00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:28,991
Right.
84
00:04:28,992 --> 00:04:32,409
Maybe you will be the head
that controls the creature
85
00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:36,551
that the world will hail
as Cravensworth'’s new man.
86
00:04:36,552 --> 00:04:40,140
Laszlo, shut the fuck up and come
and help them lift this coffin lid.
87
00:04:40,141 --> 00:04:41,177
Sorry, my darling.
88
00:04:54,639 --> 00:04:56,329
- Hi.
- Hey, guys.
89
00:04:56,330 --> 00:05:03,129
Wow, that was a long one. Happy
New Year by the way. 1996. Yes.
90
00:05:03,130 --> 00:05:06,097
- Finally.
- So fun. You'’re all looking well.
91
00:05:06,098 --> 00:05:08,479
- Nandor, my good man.
- Hi, Jerry.
92
00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,724
Hello. Nadja, as
beautiful as ever.
93
00:05:11,725 --> 00:05:14,140
Jerry, you'’re still buttering
me up like the old days.
94
00:05:14,141 --> 00:05:17,385
Yes. Dr. Cravensworth,
I presume.
95
00:05:17,386 --> 00:05:19,801
- You presume correctly. Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
96
00:05:19,802 --> 00:05:20,906
Hey, Jer-bear.
97
00:05:22,529 --> 00:05:25,325
- There you are, old chap.
- Hey.
98
00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:28,327
Good to see you as well.
99
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,501
So, how did it go?
100
00:05:30,502 --> 00:05:33,642
Uh, how did what go?
101
00:05:33,643 --> 00:05:35,368
Conquering the New World.
102
00:05:35,369 --> 00:05:37,508
I would have given anything
to have been there for it,
103
00:05:37,509 --> 00:05:40,787
- but I really needed that super slumber.
- I bet.
104
00:05:40,788 --> 00:05:43,583
So, did you end up conquering
just the United States
105
00:05:43,584 --> 00:05:45,171
or did you end up deciding
106
00:05:45,172 --> 00:05:47,347
that the New World means
Canada and Mexico as well?
107
00:05:49,210 --> 00:05:52,074
So you let me sleep for
50 years instead of 20.
108
00:05:52,075 --> 00:05:56,355
During which time, you
conquered your street?
109
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,149
- Yes.
- And part of...
110
00:05:58,150 --> 00:06:00,324
- Part of Ashley Street.
- Right.
111
00:06:00,325 --> 00:06:03,362
- Actually, most of Ashley Street. So...
- Yes.
112
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:04,880
- Look at this.
- Yeah.
113
00:06:04,881 --> 00:06:06,399
Again, you'’ve showed me
whatever this thing is
114
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,470
where you can have a
television in your pocket.
115
00:06:08,471 --> 00:06:11,749
No, I know. But you asked what
you'’ve missed over the last 50 years.
116
00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:13,993
So, I just thought
you should see this.
117
00:06:13,994 --> 00:06:15,788
What is this supposed to be?
118
00:06:15,789 --> 00:06:18,687
Well, it'’s a bit
of a brain teaser.
119
00:06:18,688 --> 00:06:22,208
Does the dress look white and
gold or black and blue to you?
120
00:06:22,209 --> 00:06:25,729
Okay. Stop. But the fact
that vampires exist,
121
00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:27,627
that'’s still a secret, right?
122
00:06:27,628 --> 00:06:29,215
Humans don'’t know about that.
123
00:06:29,216 --> 00:06:32,080
Yes, totally. Got no idea.
124
00:06:32,081 --> 00:06:36,429
Yes, we lurk in the darkness
concealing our own grim majesty
125
00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,569
from prying human eyes.
126
00:06:38,570 --> 00:06:40,260
And those who are too curious...
127
00:06:40,261 --> 00:06:42,504
well, they'’ll spend their
last moments ruing the day
128
00:06:42,505 --> 00:06:45,438
they poked their noses in
where they weren'’t belonging.
129
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,302
- What he said.
- Right.
130
00:06:47,303 --> 00:06:51,411
But then, why is there a human
camera crew here filming everything?
131
00:06:54,931 --> 00:06:58,417
Oh, them. No. You don'’t
need to worry about them
132
00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,935
because, Jerry,
they'’re cool. So...
133
00:06:59,936 --> 00:07:01,558
Yes, very cool.
134
00:07:01,559 --> 00:07:04,457
Do you even know who they'’re
going to show all this to?
135
00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:06,286
Um...
136
00:07:06,287 --> 00:07:07,391
You gotta hear this.
137
00:07:07,392 --> 00:07:09,462
What? What is this?
138
00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:13,086
It'’s a pretty comprehensive list
of the things you'’ve missed.
139
00:07:13,087 --> 00:07:15,606
Yep. Maybe I could listen
to this later, Carl.
140
00:07:15,607 --> 00:07:17,574
- Colin.
- Isn'’t that what I said?
141
00:07:17,575 --> 00:07:19,610
No, you said Carl.
142
00:07:19,611 --> 00:07:21,957
South Pacific, Walter
Winchell, Joe DiMaggio.
143
00:07:21,958 --> 00:07:24,615
I was around for all of this.
Maybe we could fast-forward?
144
00:07:24,616 --> 00:07:28,930
Well, it stops in 1988 around
the rock and roller Cola Wars.
145
00:07:28,931 --> 00:07:32,071
- The what?
- Rock and roller Cola Wars!
146
00:07:32,072 --> 00:07:35,661
Okay. Not now, guy. Can
somebody just please tell me
147
00:07:35,662 --> 00:07:38,111
what is our current
dark purpose,
148
00:07:38,112 --> 00:07:41,149
and why are we letting
these humans know about it?
149
00:07:41,150 --> 00:07:42,462
Um...
150
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,084
- Yes?
- Sit down.
151
00:07:45,085 --> 00:07:46,499
Never mind.
152
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,088
Jerry has been asking a
lot of questions lately
153
00:07:49,089 --> 00:07:53,920
about things I haven'’t
thought about in a long while.
154
00:07:53,921 --> 00:07:57,096
Things that make you
go, "Hmm" so to speak.
155
00:07:57,097 --> 00:07:58,961
Yes. Hmm.
156
00:08:03,379 --> 00:08:05,932
- Come on. In here.
- Sure of it? Yep.
157
00:08:05,933 --> 00:08:09,936
Okay. Sorry, I just need a
private moment with Nandor. So...
158
00:08:09,937 --> 00:08:11,737
- What?
- Just wait a second.
159
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:16,840
Okay. Why do we
allow a camera crew
160
00:08:16,841 --> 00:08:19,083
to document our every moves?
161
00:08:19,084 --> 00:08:23,087
But who would not want to document
the lives of three exalted vampires?
162
00:08:23,088 --> 00:08:24,399
And also Colin Robinson.
163
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:27,298
Obviously. But why
do we allow it?
164
00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:28,852
Hmm.
165
00:08:28,853 --> 00:08:31,130
- Right?
- You know who would remember?
166
00:08:31,131 --> 00:08:32,959
Guillermo would remember.
167
00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:35,341
- Then we must go and talk to Guillermo.
- No, we can'’t do that.
168
00:08:35,342 --> 00:08:36,998
No, no, no, he has
a new life now.
169
00:08:36,999 --> 00:08:38,931
He has a new home.
He has a new job.
170
00:08:38,932 --> 00:08:40,520
Take me to Guillermo, Nandor.
171
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,557
Fine.
172
00:08:44,558 --> 00:08:49,182
Hello. We are going to visit
Guillermo in his new home.
173
00:08:49,183 --> 00:08:53,359
This way. You may not
like where he lives now.
174
00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:55,741
I do not like where
any human lives.
175
00:08:55,742 --> 00:09:00,815
There is always a sink and a
couch and a drawer full of spoons.
176
00:09:00,816 --> 00:09:04,197
Well, you know, I actually helped
Guillermo to find his new home.
177
00:09:04,198 --> 00:09:06,096
Well, because he was looking
for his independence,
178
00:09:06,097 --> 00:09:08,305
and I kind of felt I owed him.
179
00:09:08,306 --> 00:09:11,170
It'’s okay to admit that you
just miss him a little bit.
180
00:09:11,171 --> 00:09:13,897
Please, Nadja. Familiars,
they come, and they go.
181
00:09:13,898 --> 00:09:16,209
You know, you cannot
get too attached.
182
00:09:16,210 --> 00:09:18,522
Most of them are killed in
the line of duty anyways.
183
00:09:18,523 --> 00:09:21,422
That'’s just the circle
of life. And here we are.
184
00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:25,564
What? I thought he
had his own apartment.
185
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:29,085
Well, he does in Laszlo'’s old garden
shed where he used to jack off.
186
00:09:31,225 --> 00:09:34,193
Let'’s see if he's in.
Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
187
00:09:34,194 --> 00:09:35,401
Who is it?
188
00:09:35,402 --> 00:09:38,197
Hi, guys.
189
00:09:38,198 --> 00:09:40,580
So, yeah, I moved into
Laszlo'’s garden shed.
190
00:09:41,857 --> 00:09:45,273
There'’s a smell.
Mildewy? I wanna say.
191
00:09:45,274 --> 00:09:48,414
And there was some really big
stains that I couldn'’t identify.
192
00:09:48,415 --> 00:09:50,589
I was gonna get my
own place eventually,
193
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,627
but I looked around for a while and
realized I cannot afford anything.
194
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:58,424
So, when Nandor offered that I could
stay here for 350 a week, I said yes.
195
00:09:58,425 --> 00:09:59,805
Sign me up.
196
00:09:59,806 --> 00:10:02,946
So, Guillermo, how long
have you lived here?
197
00:10:02,947 --> 00:10:04,775
- Months.
- Months?
198
00:10:04,776 --> 00:10:07,019
- Yeah.
- Has it been that long?
199
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:08,537
- Yeah.
- This is actually the first time
200
00:10:08,538 --> 00:10:12,058
- I'’ve seen Guillermo since he left. So...
- Bullshit.
201
00:10:12,059 --> 00:10:14,647
Actually, no, he'’s
telling the truth.
202
00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:17,616
We'’ve maintained really good
boundaries about not seeing each other
203
00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:19,928
till I get my life together.
204
00:10:19,929 --> 00:10:21,621
And where do you make toilet?
205
00:10:23,001 --> 00:10:25,071
Hmm? Uh, I'’m always at work,
206
00:10:25,072 --> 00:10:27,487
so I just save it
till I'’m at work.
207
00:10:27,488 --> 00:10:31,422
Work. And how is your
new career going?
208
00:10:31,423 --> 00:10:32,872
I work at a restaurant.
209
00:10:32,873 --> 00:10:34,116
Panera Bread?
210
00:10:35,255 --> 00:10:37,981
- Yeah. How did you guess?
- Just...
211
00:10:37,982 --> 00:10:40,500
- Even when you go pee-pee?
- Pardon me?
212
00:10:40,501 --> 00:10:42,676
You even save up your pee-pee
for when you go to work?
213
00:10:44,298 --> 00:10:47,715
And how is your new
master at Panera?
214
00:10:47,716 --> 00:10:49,924
My boss? Actually,
he'’s good. He's...
215
00:10:49,925 --> 00:10:51,891
Guillermo, what is this bucket?
216
00:10:51,892 --> 00:10:54,722
You know what? It'’s getting
late, and I have to be up early.
217
00:10:54,723 --> 00:10:56,275
So, I think probably just...
218
00:10:56,276 --> 00:11:00,072
Guillermo, this bucket
smells like pee-pee.
219
00:11:00,073 --> 00:11:03,178
I was wondering what the smell was that
was here when I got here months ago.
220
00:11:03,179 --> 00:11:04,835
- So that'’s what that was.
- The point is this,
221
00:11:04,836 --> 00:11:10,945
Jerry has inquired as to why we allow
the documentary crew to film us.
222
00:11:10,946 --> 00:11:13,361
- Wait. Who'’s Jerry?
- Never mind. Doesn'’t matter who Jerry is.
223
00:11:13,362 --> 00:11:15,087
You miss a little,
you miss a lot.
224
00:11:15,088 --> 00:11:18,297
- Shall we?
- Yes. And I'’m taking this bucket with me.
225
00:11:18,298 --> 00:11:19,919
No, wait. Why?
226
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:23,026
Why not?
227
00:11:23,027 --> 00:11:24,924
See you in another
month or two, Guillermo.
228
00:11:24,925 --> 00:11:26,374
- Man, human form!
- Well, look who it is!
229
00:11:26,375 --> 00:11:27,720
- Hello, my darling.
- Hi.
230
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,101
Yes. That'’s my love.
231
00:11:29,102 --> 00:11:30,343
Jerry and I'’ve just had a feed.
232
00:11:30,344 --> 00:11:32,242
I had to warn him
about the modern roads
233
00:11:32,243 --> 00:11:34,520
with the steel horses
with their rubber feet.
234
00:11:34,521 --> 00:11:37,697
Again, I know what a fucking car
is. I wasn'’t asleep that long.
235
00:11:39,146 --> 00:11:41,492
- Laszlo, you sly dog.
- What...
236
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:42,873
You.
237
00:11:42,874 --> 00:11:44,772
Congratulations, my friend.
238
00:11:44,773 --> 00:11:47,153
- I thought you said you didn'’t finish him.
- Finish what?
239
00:11:47,154 --> 00:11:50,398
Your monster... made of cadaver
parts and reanimated to give it life.
240
00:11:50,399 --> 00:11:52,503
Jerry, that is Guillermo.
241
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,747
Did you see? He looked
when you said his name.
242
00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,853
No, uh, he'’s human.
243
00:11:56,854 --> 00:11:58,337
A human amongst us?
244
00:11:58,338 --> 00:11:59,648
- Yes.
- I'’ll handle this.
245
00:11:59,649 --> 00:12:00,926
- No. Uh, Jerry.
- No.
246
00:12:00,927 --> 00:12:02,962
Jerry, no, no.
This is Guillermo.
247
00:12:02,963 --> 00:12:05,551
He'’s okay. He's our familiar.
248
00:12:05,552 --> 00:12:09,210
Ah. Okay. Apologies.
249
00:12:09,211 --> 00:12:11,419
Familiar, go fetch my
coffin from the basement.
250
00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:16,182
Uh, the thing is, Jerry, he'’s
not our familiar anymore.
251
00:12:16,183 --> 00:12:18,184
Okay. Why does he
still live here?
252
00:12:18,185 --> 00:12:20,773
- Good question.
- It'’s a long story.
253
00:12:20,774 --> 00:12:22,395
- Yeah. Look at this.
- Don'’t.
254
00:12:22,396 --> 00:12:24,466
Fine, but if someone asks you
255
00:12:24,467 --> 00:12:27,055
why Michael Dukakis
was riding on a tank,
256
00:12:27,056 --> 00:12:29,886
you'’re not gonna know what to say.
You'’re gonna look dumb, Jerry.
257
00:12:29,887 --> 00:12:31,819
It'’s pretty good.
258
00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:35,754
So you haven'’t managed to reanimate
dead flesh to create new life?
259
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,825
- Not yet, no.
- But that was your whole thing.
260
00:12:37,826 --> 00:12:40,034
If you haven'’t been working on
that, what have you been doing?
261
00:12:40,035 --> 00:12:42,762
- Tending my vulva garden.
- Indeed.
262
00:12:44,971 --> 00:12:47,593
Uh, Nandor, can I see
you for a moment inside?
263
00:12:47,594 --> 00:12:49,975
Certainly, Jerry. This way.
264
00:12:49,976 --> 00:12:52,184
He seems nice.
265
00:12:52,185 --> 00:12:54,427
I turned Guillermo into a
human, which was a hassle,
266
00:12:54,428 --> 00:12:56,222
- but for the best...
- Yeah. Yeah. Hold on just a second.
267
00:12:56,223 --> 00:12:58,328
- Yeah?
- Are you okay, man?
268
00:12:58,329 --> 00:13:00,951
Me, Jerry? I'’m
great. Why do you ask?
269
00:13:00,952 --> 00:13:04,575
It'’s just... The old Nandor, the
Nandor I knew before I went to sleep?
270
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,923
- That'’s me.
- Is it though?
271
00:13:06,924 --> 00:13:10,409
You were Nandor the
fucking Relentless,
272
00:13:10,410 --> 00:13:14,137
a killer of men, a
conqueror of continents.
273
00:13:14,138 --> 00:13:16,415
- Yes.
- Where the fuck is that guy?
274
00:13:16,416 --> 00:13:17,866
Very good questions, Jerry.
275
00:13:19,281 --> 00:13:20,800
The fuck happened around here?
276
00:13:27,703 --> 00:13:30,739
Well, I'’m going to turn
in before the sun comes up.
277
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:32,811
- Get back on a normal schedule.
- Good night, Jerry.
278
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:33,984
The fuck is that?
279
00:13:33,985 --> 00:13:35,399
That is my dolly.
280
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:38,437
She contains the ghost
of my dead human form
281
00:13:38,438 --> 00:13:40,473
from before I became
a vampire, you know.
282
00:13:40,474 --> 00:13:42,855
Right. Cool.
283
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,236
- Anyways...
- Good night, Jerry.
284
00:13:44,237 --> 00:13:45,479
- Good night, Kyle.
- Colin.
285
00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,000
I hadn'’t finished speaking. Uh.
286
00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:52,140
Good night, Kyle-in.
287
00:13:52,141 --> 00:13:54,246
- Good to have you back, old chap.
- Good to be back.
288
00:13:54,247 --> 00:13:56,248
And good to see you two
getting along again.
289
00:13:56,249 --> 00:13:57,663
What'’s he talking
about, my darling?
290
00:13:57,664 --> 00:14:00,183
When I went under, you two
weren'’t speaking at all.
291
00:14:00,184 --> 00:14:02,219
You hadn'’t spoken
in five or six years.
292
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:03,842
Really? I think I'’d
remember something like that.
293
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,291
Um. Me too.
294
00:14:05,292 --> 00:14:07,500
Maybe it was a different
Laszlo and Nadja.
295
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:09,709
It was a long time ago, I guess.
296
00:14:09,710 --> 00:14:12,885
Literally 50 years ago, which,
again, was not the plan.
297
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,992
Colin Robinson, do you remember
a time when me and Laszlo
298
00:14:15,993 --> 00:14:18,926
had such a big argument that we
didn'’t speak for about five years?
299
00:14:18,927 --> 00:14:21,514
- Yeah.
- Well, what was it about?
300
00:14:21,515 --> 00:14:23,862
It couldn'’t have been that bad. I'’m
sure it's water under the bridge now.
301
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,071
You wanted to go out
and get a real job
302
00:14:26,072 --> 00:14:29,384
because of your morbid
fascination with regular folks.
303
00:14:29,385 --> 00:14:32,732
- Right.
- And Laszlo forbade it.
304
00:14:32,733 --> 00:14:35,356
- He said it was too "dangerous-uh"...
- Yeah.
305
00:14:35,357 --> 00:14:39,532
For you to be out on your own without
his protection or some bullshit.
306
00:14:39,533 --> 00:14:42,535
You longhead streak
of British piss!
307
00:14:42,536 --> 00:14:44,192
Who are you to say that
I need your protection?
308
00:14:44,193 --> 00:14:46,539
If I want to go out
mingling amongst the humans,
309
00:14:46,540 --> 00:14:49,542
I am perfectly capable
of taking care of myself.
310
00:14:49,543 --> 00:14:52,891
- I forbid it.
- Well, you know what? You can get fucked.
311
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:55,894
How dare you talk to me like
that with that salty tongue?
312
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,999
- Why do you bring it up?
- What about me?
313
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,589
Can'’t you see I'm dealing
with my own stuff over here?
314
00:15:01,590 --> 00:15:05,696
Jerry was one of the only
real friends that I ever had.
315
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:08,182
At least I thought he was.
316
00:15:08,183 --> 00:15:12,945
It'’s pretty obvious, though,
that the guy doesn'’t remember me.
317
00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,533
Jerry is right, of course.
318
00:15:14,534 --> 00:15:15,948
What have I become?
319
00:15:15,949 --> 00:15:19,055
My own familiar humiliates
me and what do I do?
320
00:15:19,056 --> 00:15:23,749
Murder him? Nah, I
become his landlord.
321
00:15:23,750 --> 00:15:26,786
Where did I lose my way?
322
00:15:26,787 --> 00:15:27,960
Jerry'’s right, of course.
323
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,928
I staked my entire reputation
324
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,584
on being a man of science.
325
00:15:31,585 --> 00:15:34,760
A man to create life
from dead tissue.
326
00:15:34,761 --> 00:15:36,382
And what did I do?
327
00:15:36,383 --> 00:15:38,971
I let a couple of setbacks
shake my confidence
328
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:42,354
and spent the last 50
years pulling my pud.
329
00:15:42,355 --> 00:15:45,633
Who the hell is Laszlo
to forbid anything?
330
00:15:45,634 --> 00:15:47,773
Think of what I
could have become
331
00:15:47,774 --> 00:15:50,741
if I had learned the ways
of the humans 50 years ago.
332
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:52,916
That'’s right, girl. Don'’t let
these motherfuckers hold you back.
333
00:15:52,917 --> 00:15:54,228
Yes. Exactly.
334
00:15:54,229 --> 00:15:55,781
Truth.
335
00:15:55,782 --> 00:15:57,956
A lot of bad feelings
in the house right now,
336
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:02,063
which would ordinarily be a
feast for an energy vampire.
337
00:16:02,064 --> 00:16:07,068
But it'’s too much of a good
thing and it'’s starting to show.
338
00:16:07,069 --> 00:16:10,037
I'’m not even trying to feast
on all the negative energy,
339
00:16:10,038 --> 00:16:12,349
but it keeps soaking in
340
00:16:12,350 --> 00:16:15,594
and I'’ll be damned if it
doesn'’t go straight to my hips.
341
00:16:15,595 --> 00:16:19,288
Guillermo, do you think you might
respect me more if I had killed you?
342
00:16:19,944 --> 00:16:21,807
What? No.
343
00:16:21,808 --> 00:16:23,533
I think that was a very
nice thing you did.
344
00:16:23,534 --> 00:16:24,637
Not killing me.
345
00:16:24,638 --> 00:16:26,432
Yes. Yes. Yes.
346
00:16:26,433 --> 00:16:28,987
Formerly known as
Nandor the Relentless,
347
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,783
now known as Nandor
the kind-of-nice guy.
348
00:16:32,784 --> 00:16:36,684
Gizmo, I want you to have
my scientific devices.
349
00:16:36,685 --> 00:16:40,688
I won'’t be needing them
anymore. I do not deserve them.
350
00:16:40,689 --> 00:16:44,036
My bone saw, all yours.
Stethoscope, you can have that.
351
00:16:44,037 --> 00:16:46,038
- Whatever you like.
- What if I killed you now?
352
00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,972
Do you think that would make a
difference? The moment has passed.
353
00:16:48,973 --> 00:16:50,801
You sure you wanna get rid of
this? Looks pretty expensive.
354
00:16:50,802 --> 00:16:53,252
Well, that there is
my anal speculum.
355
00:16:53,253 --> 00:16:57,222
It'’s tarnished from years of use,
but you'’re more than welcome to it.
356
00:16:57,223 --> 00:17:01,467
Guillermo, I need you to do me a favor
and please tell the pompous trout
357
00:17:01,468 --> 00:17:03,676
with a woman'’s haircut,
also known as Laszlo,
358
00:17:03,677 --> 00:17:06,024
that he needs to move his
coffin from our bedroom
359
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,818
to the couch in the library.
360
00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,649
- But he'’s right there.
- Gizmo, would you please tell my wife
361
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:12,375
if she wishes to kick
a man while he'’s down,
362
00:17:12,376 --> 00:17:13,824
to do so in writing?
363
00:17:13,825 --> 00:17:16,137
What is going on with you guys?
364
00:17:16,138 --> 00:17:19,209
- Oh, hey. Yes.
- Guillermo. Colin Robinson.
365
00:17:19,210 --> 00:17:22,040
I used to live in the house
right over there with you.
366
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,248
Colin, I know who you are.
367
00:17:23,249 --> 00:17:24,628
At least somebody does.
368
00:17:24,629 --> 00:17:27,183
Okay, this is not my
place, not my job,
369
00:17:27,184 --> 00:17:28,736
but clearly something'’s wrong.
370
00:17:28,737 --> 00:17:30,462
And I think we can all
agree what that is.
371
00:17:30,463 --> 00:17:32,878
That I have become
a total pussy?
372
00:17:32,879 --> 00:17:36,192
- That I am a total failure?
- That Laszlo is a total failure?
373
00:17:36,193 --> 00:17:38,573
- That my pants don'’t fit anymore?
- No.
374
00:17:38,574 --> 00:17:41,576
I was gonna say it'’s Jerry.
375
00:17:41,577 --> 00:17:45,097
- What? Jerry. He just tells it like it is!
- Such a great guy.
376
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:46,512
I know, I'’m sure
Jerry is a great,
377
00:17:46,513 --> 00:17:48,376
- fantastic guy...
- He is.
378
00:17:48,377 --> 00:17:50,068
But, you know, something happens
when you add a new person
379
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,862
into a group of friends.
380
00:17:51,863 --> 00:17:53,036
It throws off the dynamic.
381
00:17:53,037 --> 00:17:55,073
But you were the new person.
382
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,937
- Hang on. He was never a friend.
- Okay, that'’s harsh,
383
00:17:57,938 --> 00:18:02,701
but I made it work because I did whatever
it took to make all of you happy.
384
00:18:02,702 --> 00:18:06,084
I mean, I ate your
shit over and over.
385
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,293
I mean, until I basically
had no life of my own.
386
00:18:08,294 --> 00:18:11,089
Okay, is this your
sneaky, slimy,
387
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,677
little way of letting us know that you
want to move back into the house with us
388
00:18:13,678 --> 00:18:15,783
- and start working for us again?
- We accept.
389
00:18:15,784 --> 00:18:19,511
- No. No, absolutely not.
- I was just joking, you know,
390
00:18:19,512 --> 00:18:21,892
because we'’re doing
just fine without you.
391
00:18:21,893 --> 00:18:25,344
Great. The point is, I'’m sure
Jerry was a great friend, right?
392
00:18:25,345 --> 00:18:27,105
- Such a great guy.
- You had a great time with him,
393
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,761
but it'’s just not
working anymore.
394
00:18:28,762 --> 00:18:31,937
And you all need to be honest
with yourself and with him.
395
00:18:31,938 --> 00:18:33,939
- He'’s right.
- Thank you.
396
00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:36,459
Guillermo, can you please tell the
man who just said "he'’s right"
397
00:18:36,460 --> 00:18:38,633
that I reluctantly
agree with him?
398
00:18:38,634 --> 00:18:42,085
Okay, Guillermo is
right. We will fix.
399
00:18:42,086 --> 00:18:43,776
- Great.
- Great.
400
00:18:43,777 --> 00:18:45,468
- I'’ll see you out. Thanks for coming.
- Guillermo?
401
00:18:45,469 --> 00:18:47,159
- Yes? Uh-huh?
- One more thing.
402
00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,092
Will you help us fix this?
403
00:18:49,093 --> 00:18:51,922
What part of "I don'’t work
for you" don'’t you understand?
404
00:18:51,923 --> 00:18:57,100
Okay, fine. Not as a former familiar
or as a preeminent former shit-eater
405
00:18:57,101 --> 00:18:59,482
of Staten Island, but
as a former friend.
406
00:18:59,483 --> 00:19:00,483
Yeah.
407
00:19:05,454 --> 00:19:08,180
Look, we all know this is gonna be
a hard conversation to have, right?
408
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,596
- Yes.
- Okay. So who'’s gonna do the talking?
409
00:19:10,597 --> 00:19:12,943
- As leader of this group...
- You'’re not the leader of the group.
410
00:19:12,944 --> 00:19:15,187
- I shall do it.
- Well, I don'’t disagree with that.
411
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:18,156
Guillermo, could you please tell
Laszlo that it is not ever his right
412
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:21,435
to say what people
can and cannot do?
413
00:19:21,436 --> 00:19:24,162
Guys, can you just step back a little
bit? I'’m trying to turn around.
414
00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,956
- Okay, so what are you going to say?
- I will say,
415
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:29,339
"Jerry, old friend, we love
you and we have love for you,
416
00:19:29,340 --> 00:19:31,169
but it'’s just not working out."
417
00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,618
That'’s great so far.
Okay, and then what?
418
00:19:32,619 --> 00:19:34,137
These two will hold him down,
419
00:19:34,138 --> 00:19:35,656
and I'’m gonna drive this
stake through his heart.
420
00:19:35,657 --> 00:19:36,864
What? No.
421
00:19:36,865 --> 00:19:38,452
Or I could just
chop his head off.
422
00:19:38,453 --> 00:19:40,350
- No.
- Douse him with this holy water.
423
00:19:40,351 --> 00:19:43,042
- No.
- If he tries making a run for it, I got this bad boy.
424
00:19:43,043 --> 00:19:44,872
What makes you think that
you need to kill him?
425
00:19:44,873 --> 00:19:46,253
- It was your idea.
- No, it wasn'’t.
426
00:19:46,254 --> 00:19:47,806
There are other ways of
ending a relationship
427
00:19:47,807 --> 00:19:48,979
than killing the other person.
428
00:19:48,980 --> 00:19:51,119
Name one.
429
00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,020
- Shit.
- Hey, guys. What'’s up?
430
00:19:56,022 --> 00:19:57,850
What? Did you let me sleep
for another 50 years?
431
00:19:57,851 --> 00:19:58,851
What year is it?
432
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:02,476
- Kidding, kidding.
- Jerry, old friend.
433
00:20:02,477 --> 00:20:04,650
- Nandor.
- Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.
434
00:20:04,651 --> 00:20:08,033
We love you and we
have love for you.
435
00:20:08,034 --> 00:20:10,138
But it'’s just...
436
00:20:10,139 --> 00:20:14,039
The thing is, you mean so much
to us. You'’re such a... No.
437
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:18,388
Sorry, Jerry. We forgot to tell you that
you'’re such a big part of this family.
438
00:20:18,389 --> 00:20:20,287
And there'’s something
that they all discovered
439
00:20:20,288 --> 00:20:23,049
while you were asleep for 50
years and they forgot to tell you.
440
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,878
- No.
- Tell me.
441
00:20:25,879 --> 00:20:28,191
Well, no, I forgot it was my
job and I dropped the ball.
442
00:20:28,192 --> 00:20:30,849
- I forgot to tell you.
- Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup.
443
00:20:30,850 --> 00:20:33,507
It'’s just that... See,
Jerry, it'’s... Sorry.
444
00:20:33,508 --> 00:20:37,890
I heard that you were the brains behind
the whole taking over America plan.
445
00:20:37,891 --> 00:20:39,271
Yeah. Guilty.
446
00:20:39,272 --> 00:20:41,100
He'’s gonna like what
we have to show him.
447
00:20:41,101 --> 00:20:44,242
So why don'’t you come on
out and we will show you...
448
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,036
- He'’s running!
- No, he'’s not, Colin.
449
00:20:46,037 --> 00:20:50,869
Oh, gosh! It went right through
my foot in my orthopedic shoe.
450
00:20:50,870 --> 00:20:53,070
- You had a crossbow.
- Ooh, that hurts.
451
00:20:53,562 --> 00:20:55,253
So, what do you think?
452
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:59,084
Am I supposed to F him or...
You know, what'’s the plan here?
453
00:20:59,085 --> 00:21:01,707
I mean, you can if you want, but no,
that'’s not why I brought him here.
454
00:21:01,708 --> 00:21:03,675
Well, why did you
bring him here?
455
00:21:03,676 --> 00:21:07,886
PS, I probably will F him but more
out of boredom than anything else.
456
00:21:07,887 --> 00:21:10,544
Such as the plight of The Guide.
457
00:21:10,545 --> 00:21:13,512
Okay. No, I brought him here
because he'’s everything
458
00:21:13,513 --> 00:21:15,825
you'’ve been waiting
your entire life for.
459
00:21:15,826 --> 00:21:17,552
He wants to take
over the New World.
460
00:21:18,587 --> 00:21:20,139
- It can'’t be true.
- It is.
461
00:21:20,140 --> 00:21:22,349
Could he be the chosen one
462
00:21:22,350 --> 00:21:24,524
who will finally make
our conquest a reality?
463
00:21:25,353 --> 00:21:26,974
Yep.
464
00:21:26,975 --> 00:21:28,941
You know, I once thought
Nandor was the chosen one.
465
00:21:28,942 --> 00:21:32,945
- Or Nadja and then Laszlo and never Colin.
- Never.
466
00:21:32,946 --> 00:21:36,570
I just said those guys are
kind of not self-starters.
467
00:21:36,571 --> 00:21:38,399
- That'’s true.
- Uh, Lieutenant.
468
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,160
Oh, you can just
call me The Guide.
469
00:21:41,161 --> 00:21:43,266
You'’ll answer to "Lieutenant,"
and you'’ll like it.
470
00:21:43,267 --> 00:21:46,476
You'’ll find I'm a bit of a
stickler for a chain of command.
471
00:21:46,477 --> 00:21:48,823
- I like him very much.
- Told you.
472
00:21:48,824 --> 00:21:51,619
Yes, sir. Lieutenant
at your service, sir.
473
00:21:51,620 --> 00:21:54,796
Now, is this the most current map
of the continental United States?
474
00:21:56,038 --> 00:21:58,039
- No.
- No, it is not, sir.
475
00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:01,146
Also, I see that I missed
a vampire infiltrating
476
00:22:01,147 --> 00:22:04,460
the highest ranks of the US government
a heartbeat away from the presidency.
477
00:22:04,461 --> 00:22:06,427
Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig.
478
00:22:06,428 --> 00:22:08,015
Get me everything
you have on this guy.
479
00:22:08,016 --> 00:22:10,120
We haven'’t had a vampire
so close to the throne
480
00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:12,744
of human power since
McNamara in '’61.
481
00:22:12,745 --> 00:22:14,125
Pulling those
documents now, sir.
482
00:22:15,644 --> 00:22:17,576
And so we are of one mind.
483
00:22:17,577 --> 00:22:19,854
Therefore, we shall meet here for
at least three hours every night
484
00:22:19,855 --> 00:22:21,615
and conceive a plan...
485
00:22:21,616 --> 00:22:26,447
the complete and total vampire
subjugation of all humans.
486
00:22:26,448 --> 00:22:28,794
- Hear! Hear!
- Absolutely. Let'’s do this.
487
00:22:28,795 --> 00:22:29,968
Yes.
488
00:22:29,969 --> 00:22:32,971
Can I get a beep-beep?
489
00:22:32,972 --> 00:22:36,388
Conquering the New World
is indeed job number one.
490
00:22:36,389 --> 00:22:39,011
It is of the utmost importance.
491
00:22:39,012 --> 00:22:42,429
But is it as important
as creating life?
492
00:22:42,430 --> 00:22:46,536
I'’m still a little mad at Laszlo
for being a little pussy bitch,
493
00:22:46,537 --> 00:22:49,781
threatened and scared because I wanted
to learn the ways of the humans.
494
00:22:49,782 --> 00:22:53,025
But now, it is all about
just me going out there
495
00:22:53,026 --> 00:22:56,615
and getting some and then
getting a little piece more.
496
00:22:56,616 --> 00:22:59,825
- Hmm?
- What about conquering the New World?
497
00:22:59,826 --> 00:23:02,725
You know, yes, conquering
the New World or nothing.
498
00:23:02,726 --> 00:23:05,555
Very important to me.
Gonna get to it soon.
499
00:23:05,556 --> 00:23:09,490
Now let the conquest of
the New World commence.
500
00:23:09,491 --> 00:23:12,391
House meeting. House meeting.
501
00:23:14,254 --> 00:23:16,809
Hello? Guys?
502
00:23:18,155 --> 00:23:21,399
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
503
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,919
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
504
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,645
Pull me everything you'’ve got
505
00:23:26,646 --> 00:23:27,750
- on foreign debt...
- All right.
506
00:23:27,751 --> 00:23:29,579
- Homeless vets...
- Yes.
507
00:23:29,580 --> 00:23:31,167
- AIDS, crack...
- Uh-huh.
508
00:23:31,168 --> 00:23:33,825
- Yes, sir. Okay.
- And Bernie Goetz.
509
00:23:33,826 --> 00:23:38,899
Also any relevant documents concerning
the rock and roller Cola Wars.
510
00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:44,698
- Yes, here'’s a rock and roller Cola "scroll."
- Ah, perfect.
511
00:23:44,699 --> 00:23:48,080
♪ Rock and roller, cola wars
I can'’t take it anymore ♪
512
00:23:48,081 --> 00:23:51,049
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
513
00:23:51,050 --> 00:23:54,708
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
514
00:23:54,709 --> 00:23:57,538
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
515
00:23:57,539 --> 00:24:01,059
♪ But when we are gone
It will still burn on ♪
516
00:24:01,060 --> 00:24:06,755
♪ And on, and on And on, and
on, and on And on, and on ♪
517
00:24:07,998 --> 00:24:10,931
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
518
00:24:10,932 --> 00:24:14,555
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
519
00:24:14,556 --> 00:24:17,489
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
520
00:24:17,490 --> 00:24:21,217
♪ No, we didn'’t light it
But we tried to fight it ♪
521
00:24:21,218 --> 00:24:24,392
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪
522
00:24:24,393 --> 00:24:27,879
♪ It was always burning since
The world'’s been turning ♪
523
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,468
♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪