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*** Subtitles by dylux ***
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♪ (Jean Knight's "Do Me" playing) ♪
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Man: Oh, let's just
get in there, baby.
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Let's go. Hustle.
Here we go.
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I love angry sex.
This is the best.
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Oh, you wanna do it
right here, huh? Ha-ha-ha.
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Oh, uh, yeah, wow.
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Ha-ha.
Okay, um--
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(Clears throat)
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Oh.
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Give up, already.
Yeah, you know.
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(Door locks)
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♪ Do me, like a nasty man ♪
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(Sighs)
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I like this girl.
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Really do.
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Sometimes you just know.
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♪ Oh, what you got, boy ♪
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♪ Let me show you
what it's gonna bring ♪
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(Inhales)
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♪ Do me... ♪
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(Singsongy voice)
I'm not finished.
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♪ Do me, baby ♪
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♪ Do me if you're gonna ♪
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♪ Do me if you're gonna... ♪
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I tried like a motherfucker
to follow you up,
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But this door, it does
a little thing with the lock
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when you're inside.
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Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.
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We start...
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(Whispers) with a blowjob.
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Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?
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And most girls find it
rewarding the way I do it,
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Because I turn what is
normally a chore into,
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Like, a training session,
you know?
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It's like my own special
head start program.
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I've even got some
Chloraseptic spray.
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You do that really well,
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And then we move on
to the nasty stuff.
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Bring my buddies over,
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Maybe take some "artsy" pictures,
you know?
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Do some artsy live streaming video.
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Totally tasteful.
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Don't worry, I'll get you paid.
Easy.
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Yeah, that way you could, uh,
get that can opener fixed,
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Lipo the back end,
maybe refurbish the balcony.
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(Scoffs)
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Wait. I'm sorry.
Is this a bad time?
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Yeah.
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Okay, real quick, is that a "yes"
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to bad timing or "yes,"
you wanna go--?
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- Fuck...
- Exactly.
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You!
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(Door locks)
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♪ Every man ♪
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♪ Sure wanna be like you ♪
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(Groans)
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Why won't you just die already?
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I accept your rebuke
of my advances.
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But just for future reference, uh,
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could you give me a reason why?
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How about 10?
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I love angry sex.
This is the best.
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It's gonna be great.
Just, mm...
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(Engine revs, tires screech)
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Ugh!
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Hey, we're going dutch
on gas money, you know.
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(Cell phone ringing)
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Is that your phone?
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Gonna answer your phone?
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I don't know.
I don't--
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Or are you more interested
in me right now?
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- I'm--
- Answer your phone.
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That's my phone.
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Shit. Hold on one second.
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I got it.
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Hello.
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Um--
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Hey. Yeah, I got it.
I'm a knee guy.
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Listen to me.
Listen, shut-- Sarah--
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Shut the fuck up!
I'm not even listen--
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- (Horn honking)
- (Woman shrieks)
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Oh, my God!
Why aren't you--?
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Dick!
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Listen to me.
Oh, my God.
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Sarah, are you pregnant?
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Just be a minute.
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You know, you expect me
to swallow that horseshit?
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Right. Yeah, yeah, I'm predictable.
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Well, then fucking marry me!
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Ha-ha. You didn't see
that one coming, did you?
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What are you doing?
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How am I supposed to know
it was your sister? How was I?
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Okay, it was dark, I was drunk,
and I thought it was you.
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Oh, she-- oh, she's
pregnant too. Talk to her.
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What? No.
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Okay, you tell your sister
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that I'll make a donation
to planned parenthood
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in her honor.
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Uh-- Sarah. My ex.
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♪ Dun, dun, da, dun, dun ♪
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♪ Big cunt ♪
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(Blows raspberry)
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♪ (Celtic/Mexican music playing) ♪
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Rachel. I apologize.
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(Vomiting)
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Sometimes when you try a
new restaurant, it's a gamble.
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And, uh, today we-- we lost.
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I'm thinking to avoid any
sexual obligation, that's you.
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Oh!
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(Gags)
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Oh, my God.
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Everything okay?
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I can't eat this. I can't.
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Oh, perhaps I can interest you
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in some of our fabulous
famine fiesta fries?
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Mm-mm.
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She could use a little more famine
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and a little less fried.
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Ha-ha!
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(Speaks Spanish)
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Tank. Ha-ha.
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Okay. Since you have yet
to ask me anything at all,
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Um, I just thought
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I should tell you
a little bit about myself.
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Um, I'm a social worker.
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- Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
- Yeah?
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It's, uh-- it's very--
it's challenging work,
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But it's so important.
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Whoa, whoa, there, big time.
Ha. Whoa.
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I'm a Customer Satisfaction Rep
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at Airmeister Air Filtration Systems.
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That is important work.
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'cause without air,
we cannot live.
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Waiter: What can I get
for you tonight?
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Um, is, uh, the corned beef quesadilla,
is that any good?
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Or what do you--
what do you recommend?
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Do you mean unspoiled?
For example,
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if you were to say,
"Is this milk any good?"
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Your concern would
not be with taste,
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but rather your personal safety.
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♪ (Playing "Danny Boy") ♪
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(Yelling in Spanish)
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Hi, my name is Pedro O’Malley.
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I'll be your server for tonight.
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Something to drink?
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Two Baja car bombs on the snap.
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Oh-- ah, oh, okay.
No, I don't drink,
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But thank you.
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I wasn't ordering for you.
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So, I gotta warn you,
the stereo's busted.
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Oh. Oh, that's okay.
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I've got a little bit
of a headache, so...
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♪ (Stereo blaring 2 Live Crew's
"Pop That Pussy") ♪
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See?!
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It's been like this for a month!
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I-I got it!
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♪ Ooh, you make that pussy pop ♪
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(Sings) ♪ Pop that pussy, hey! ♪
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♪ Pop that pussy, baby ♪
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♪ Pop that pussy ♪
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(Spits)
These are for your ears!
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(Laughs nervously)
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Thanks.
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You look offended by the song!
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But if you really listen,
it's not really vulgar!
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It's about a guy,
he's in love!
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And I know he's saying,
"Pop the pussy!"
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But it's a metaphor for, like,
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"I wanna hug you!"
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♪ Pop that pussy ♪
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♪ Hug me, hug me,
hug me, hug me ♪
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It's not about fucking!
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It's about taking a relationship
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To another level!
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What?
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- Yeah!
- Uh, now we see it!
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So we should listen
to the whole thing
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So you know the story!
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Hey, listen, listen.
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This girl, she is--
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No. It's easy, all right?
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She's not even gonna
make it past dinner.
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By the time I'm done with her,
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She'll know the difference
between what's in the hand
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and what's in the bush.
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Hi.
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Yeah, um, we said 7:00.
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I-I know.
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I tutor this high school girl.
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She's part of my Head Start program.
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And she's slow.
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Learning-disabled.
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It's sad, heh.
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Every time I... Come,
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I feel like I'm wasting my time.
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Oh.
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You know that--
not in her eyes.
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Actually...
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No one is doubting your memory,
which is both vivid and damning.
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But if I could, I'd
like to briefly challenge
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points four and seven.
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- Oh, really?
- Because, you know what?
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I didn't even get to mention--
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♪ This ain't nothin'... ♪
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Oh, my God.
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(Sighs)
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Please stop.
Please stop.
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♪ Let me show you
what it's gonna bring ♪
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- ♪ Hold me... ♪
- ♪ Uh-huh ♪
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(Urine trickling)
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♪ Do me like you wanna ♪
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♪ Do me like you wanna ♪
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So I'll call you later?
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00:08:02,247 --> 00:08:04,182
And I'll call the cops,
you asshole.
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I had a nice time tonight.
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00:08:06,852 --> 00:08:08,419
(Cell phone rings)
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Hello.
219
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Rachel: Josh, I just went on
the worst date in my life.
220
00:08:13,725 --> 00:08:16,060
Rachel. Wow, um...
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Hey, look, I'm gl--
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00:08:17,629 --> 00:08:19,497
- I'm so, so sorry.
- You're--
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00:08:19,498 --> 00:08:22,533
Why are you sorry?
Baby, uh, I was the one who--
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Can we maybe, you know,
grab a--?
225
00:08:24,503 --> 00:08:26,304
Yeah. Yeah, no, that--
that sounds great.
226
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:27,605
Yeah.
227
00:08:27,606 --> 00:08:29,040
I'd really like that.
228
00:08:29,041 --> 00:08:31,042
Um, listen, uh, I'm out
with a friend right now.
229
00:08:31,043 --> 00:08:32,810
But, um, can I call you?
230
00:08:32,811 --> 00:08:34,312
What about dinner tomorrow night?
231
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I'd like that.
232
00:08:35,314 --> 00:08:37,348
- Yeah, I'd like that too.
- All right.
233
00:08:37,349 --> 00:08:40,551
- I-I'm so glad you called.
- All right, bye.
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(Laughing)
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Told you. I just show 'em
the difference
236
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between what's in the hand
and what's in the bush.
237
00:08:47,059 --> 00:08:49,677
You have mastered the female psyche.
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00:08:49,678 --> 00:08:52,246
To get 'em to run, I make
them think that I'm shit.
239
00:08:52,247 --> 00:08:54,882
To get 'em to come,
I make 'em think they're shit.
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00:08:54,883 --> 00:08:57,018
Either way, you're the asshole.
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It's what I do.
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♪ (Linda Ronstadt's
"You're No Good" playing) ♪
243
00:09:01,173 --> 00:09:03,908
♪ I'm telling you now, baby ♪
244
00:09:03,909 --> 00:09:06,110
♪ And I'm going my way ♪
245
00:09:06,111 --> 00:09:08,379
♪ Forget about you, baby ♪
246
00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:10,431
♪ 'Cause I'm leaving to stay ♪
247
00:09:10,432 --> 00:09:12,650
♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪
248
00:09:12,651 --> 00:09:13,918
♪ You're no good ♪
249
00:09:13,919 --> 00:09:16,888
♪ Baby, you're no good ♪
250
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,773
♪ I'm gonna try it again ♪
251
00:09:19,774 --> 00:09:21,608
♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪
252
00:09:21,609 --> 00:09:22,709
♪ You're no good ♪
253
00:09:22,710 --> 00:09:25,279
♪ Baby, you're no good ♪
254
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:26,063
Shh.
255
00:09:26,064 --> 00:09:28,232
♪ Ohh, ohh, no ♪
256
00:09:28,233 --> 00:09:30,635
♪ You're no good,
you're no good ♪
257
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:31,869
♪ You're no good ♪
258
00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:34,955
♪ Baby, you're no good ♪
259
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(Mouths) Call me.
260
00:09:51,173 --> 00:09:53,040
All right.
261
00:09:53,041 --> 00:09:54,809
Look at you, all white and thin.
262
00:09:54,810 --> 00:09:57,078
I bet if I laid you on this bar,
she could snort you.
263
00:09:57,079 --> 00:09:58,278
- (Gasps)
- (Chuckles)
264
00:09:58,279 --> 00:09:59,580
Listen, beauty queen.
265
00:09:59,581 --> 00:10:01,182
I know people are concerned
about you
266
00:10:01,183 --> 00:10:03,017
because you're dangerously thin.
267
00:10:03,018 --> 00:10:06,069
But I'm not one of those people.
Yet, I am concerned.
268
00:10:06,070 --> 00:10:08,071
I'm concerned that you've had
too many drinks,
269
00:10:08,072 --> 00:10:09,640
and now your fingers
are in this bowl
270
00:10:09,641 --> 00:10:11,742
like it's one of your
sorority sisters. Trust me.
271
00:10:11,743 --> 00:10:14,094
These pretzeled devils,
far from complimentary.
272
00:10:14,095 --> 00:10:16,180
I mean, baby, get your head
in the game.
273
00:10:16,181 --> 00:10:19,100
Nothing tastes as good
as looking good.
274
00:10:19,101 --> 00:10:21,635
- That is just--
- Uh, excuse me?
275
00:10:21,636 --> 00:10:24,722
Are you psycho? I mean, how can
you even begin to talk--?
276
00:10:24,723 --> 00:10:25,923
Easy, Urlacher.
277
00:10:25,924 --> 00:10:27,408
You ever notice it's the linebackers
278
00:10:27,409 --> 00:10:29,410
who are more concerned
with people not eating?
279
00:10:29,411 --> 00:10:30,477
If the pussy police here
280
00:10:30,478 --> 00:10:32,413
Would stop ordering
her fries tempura--
281
00:10:32,414 --> 00:10:33,764
I just had a child.
282
00:10:33,765 --> 00:10:36,350
Well, congratulations. I'm sure
he was probably delicious.
283
00:10:36,351 --> 00:10:38,202
It looks like you downed
the whole thing.
284
00:10:38,203 --> 00:10:40,721
You're an asshole.
285
00:10:40,722 --> 00:10:43,207
♪ (Rock music playing over speakers) ♪
286
00:10:43,208 --> 00:10:44,475
You really are an asshole.
287
00:10:44,476 --> 00:10:46,277
Then walk away.
288
00:10:49,948 --> 00:10:50,864
(Kissing)
289
00:10:58,924 --> 00:11:00,357
Let me just go get my purse, okay?
290
00:11:00,358 --> 00:11:01,626
Get cigarettes.
291
00:11:01,627 --> 00:11:02,693
(Door opens, man laughs)
292
00:11:02,694 --> 00:11:03,961
(Woman speaks indistinctly)
293
00:11:03,962 --> 00:11:05,396
(Man) Let's go.
294
00:11:05,397 --> 00:11:09,433
Take me. Take me to your house.
Take me right now to your house.
295
00:11:09,434 --> 00:11:10,568
Whoa, hey, guy.
296
00:11:10,569 --> 00:11:12,637
Tank, hey.
Tank, this is Renee.
297
00:11:12,638 --> 00:11:14,672
Yeah. Come here.
Renee, Tank.
298
00:11:14,673 --> 00:11:15,940
Hey. Okay.
Two seconds.
299
00:11:15,941 --> 00:11:17,408
Talk to me for a second, all right?
300
00:11:17,409 --> 00:11:19,944
Yeah, I'll talk to you all night.
301
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:21,546
Didn't I just save your ass?
302
00:11:21,547 --> 00:11:22,713
I just cleaned up your bed,
303
00:11:22,714 --> 00:11:24,381
and you're shitting
in it again, okay?
304
00:11:24,382 --> 00:11:26,551
Aren't you getting fucking married?
305
00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:29,820
I am getting married.
306
00:11:29,821 --> 00:11:32,389
But not tonight.
307
00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:33,841
Renee. Renee, there she is.
308
00:11:33,842 --> 00:11:35,760
Josh.
309
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:37,044
- There she is.
- (Woman screams)
310
00:11:37,045 --> 00:11:38,062
She's all mine.
311
00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:42,599
(Sighs)
312
00:11:42,600 --> 00:11:44,952
I have to work tomorrow.
313
00:11:46,454 --> 00:11:50,024
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.
It's Tuesday.
314
00:11:50,025 --> 00:11:51,325
Good one.
315
00:11:51,326 --> 00:11:54,228
I have a strict no-sleepover policy.
316
00:11:54,229 --> 00:11:56,397
(Chuckles)
317
00:11:56,398 --> 00:11:57,865
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
318
00:12:03,839 --> 00:12:04,956
Hm.
319
00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:08,909
Come on, Tank. It's almost 5.
320
00:12:08,910 --> 00:12:11,545
For some people that's not tonight,
321
00:12:11,546 --> 00:12:12,480
It's tomorrow.
322
00:12:16,184 --> 00:12:17,435
(Chuckles)
323
00:12:17,436 --> 00:12:18,536
(Gasps)
324
00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:24,342
I hate those people.
325
00:12:25,994 --> 00:12:27,627
(Alarm ringing)
326
00:12:27,628 --> 00:12:30,330
♪ (Indie song playing) ♪
327
00:12:34,853 --> 00:12:35,953
(Blender starts)
328
00:12:37,489 --> 00:12:39,323
(Cell phone rings)
329
00:12:39,324 --> 00:12:40,858
(Mouths) Oh, shit.
330
00:12:40,859 --> 00:12:44,027
Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine.
331
00:12:44,028 --> 00:12:45,395
Okay. Bye.
332
00:12:45,396 --> 00:12:46,797
- Woman: Dude.
- I'm sorry.
333
00:12:46,798 --> 00:12:47,998
- What the shit?
- I'm sorry.
334
00:12:47,999 --> 00:12:49,600
- I told you this was happening.
- Okay.
335
00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:51,902
- As of now, I'm training for the marathon.
- (Turns on)
336
00:12:51,903 --> 00:12:54,154
- Goal... Run, don't walk!
- (Turns off)
337
00:12:54,155 --> 00:12:56,156
Nothing wrong with a little
bit of discipline.
338
00:12:56,157 --> 00:12:57,842
By the way, you should try it.
339
00:12:57,843 --> 00:13:00,594
You need discipline like
I need to miss my period.
340
00:13:00,595 --> 00:13:02,480
Seriously, you're already, like,
341
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:05,832
a crazy, insane, OCD, alpha dog,
342
00:13:05,833 --> 00:13:07,852
cyborg, crazy creature.
343
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:09,403
You mean, I have a job?
344
00:13:09,404 --> 00:13:11,122
And now you're gonna wake me up
345
00:13:11,123 --> 00:13:13,324
at 5:15 every single morning,
346
00:13:13,325 --> 00:13:16,627
so that eventually you can run
26 miles in a circle.
347
00:13:16,628 --> 00:13:17,695
Here's the great part.
348
00:13:17,696 --> 00:13:20,531
You get to go back to sleep
indefinitely. Yay!
349
00:13:20,532 --> 00:13:21,749
(Knock on door)
350
00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:22,933
For the record...
351
00:13:22,934 --> 00:13:27,071
I am involved in a very taboo
interoffice relationship.
352
00:13:30,258 --> 00:13:32,409
- Morning.
- Good morning.
353
00:13:32,410 --> 00:13:36,597
Aw, Dustin. The bad boy from
the wrong side of the tracks.
354
00:13:36,598 --> 00:13:37,948
I'm from Lexington.
355
00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:39,984
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
356
00:13:39,985 --> 00:13:41,868
- See you.
- Yeah.
357
00:13:45,073 --> 00:13:46,590
(Banging on door)
358
00:13:47,809 --> 00:13:49,476
That's not the secret knock.
359
00:13:49,477 --> 00:13:50,877
Uh--
360
00:13:50,878 --> 00:13:52,646
(Kicks door)
361
00:13:52,647 --> 00:13:54,949
That's the one.
What's going on, man?
362
00:13:54,950 --> 00:13:56,417
I need to move this into your room.
363
00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:57,818
Tonight is the big night.
364
00:13:57,819 --> 00:13:59,219
And if all goes according to plan,
365
00:13:59,220 --> 00:14:01,706
consider this move permanent.
366
00:14:01,707 --> 00:14:03,407
"Lawrence of a labia?"
367
00:14:03,408 --> 00:14:05,576
Yeah. Um, in a moment of weakness,
368
00:14:05,577 --> 00:14:06,977
I bought the entire efi.
369
00:14:06,978 --> 00:14:09,880
The, um, Erotic Film Institute's
Top 100. Enjoy.
370
00:14:09,881 --> 00:14:12,733
Where did it go wrong? You have
a serious masturbation problem.
371
00:14:12,734 --> 00:14:14,718
It's better than taking
my sexual frustrations out
372
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:17,487
on a parade of one-night skanks
I'll never see again.
373
00:14:17,488 --> 00:14:18,688
- True.
- Good morning.
374
00:14:18,689 --> 00:14:20,324
Hey, no, no, come here.
This is dusty.
375
00:14:20,325 --> 00:14:21,992
Dusty's my roommate-slash-cousin.
376
00:14:21,993 --> 00:14:23,877
But not technically blood-related.
377
00:14:23,878 --> 00:14:26,113
Our parents were friends
until his mom walked out.
378
00:14:26,114 --> 00:14:28,582
Slash-fuckhead for bringing up
bad family shit
379
00:14:28,583 --> 00:14:30,017
at inappropriate times.
380
00:14:30,018 --> 00:14:30,884
It's nice to meet you.
381
00:14:30,885 --> 00:14:32,052
Nice to meet you.
382
00:14:32,053 --> 00:14:33,304
Fucking family.
383
00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:34,154
What's the plan tonight?
384
00:14:34,155 --> 00:14:35,439
Bring this girl back here,
385
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,408
pop open chloroform,
insert tab A into slot B?
386
00:14:38,409 --> 00:14:41,244
No. Tonight is the night
I tell her how I feel.
387
00:14:41,245 --> 00:14:43,714
Tank, this girl--
this girl is my soul mate,
388
00:14:43,715 --> 00:14:44,949
and it's time she knew that.
389
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,451
Not if you want to fuck her.
390
00:14:47,452 --> 00:14:48,719
You, what is the nicest thing
391
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:50,621
I've said to you since I met you?
392
00:14:50,622 --> 00:14:53,223
You complimented me on my technique.
393
00:14:53,224 --> 00:14:54,825
All right, look,
I'm not you, okay?
394
00:14:54,826 --> 00:14:58,161
I'm not gonna manipulate her,
I'm not gonna con her.
395
00:14:58,162 --> 00:15:00,030
- I'm just gonna be myself.
- Nope.
396
00:15:00,031 --> 00:15:01,799
Yourself is a repressed head case
397
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,567
that beats more meat
than Rocky Balboa.
398
00:15:03,568 --> 00:15:05,869
So by hiding your porn,
taking her to joints you hate,
399
00:15:05,870 --> 00:15:07,337
training for a fucking marathon,
400
00:15:07,338 --> 00:15:08,973
you're not showing her
the real you.
401
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:10,941
You're showing her a
highlight reel you.
402
00:15:10,942 --> 00:15:12,843
Thus, in fact, you're conning her.
403
00:15:12,844 --> 00:15:14,344
- You don't get it.
- Mm.
404
00:15:14,345 --> 00:15:15,345
You don't get it.
405
00:15:15,346 --> 00:15:18,315
I love her. Alexis--
406
00:15:18,316 --> 00:15:19,950
Alexis is my angel.
407
00:15:21,185 --> 00:15:22,886
(Man whistles, horn honks)
408
00:15:22,887 --> 00:15:24,588
You get it, right?
409
00:15:24,589 --> 00:15:25,990
- (Chuckles)
- (Laughs)
410
00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:28,058
We don't get it.
We don't.
411
00:15:28,059 --> 00:15:30,828
Uh-- anyway, we can skip
this "call me" scenario.
412
00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:32,162
I'm already late.
Great.
413
00:15:32,163 --> 00:15:33,914
I wanna know something.
This chick, uh--
414
00:15:33,915 --> 00:15:35,332
- What's her name?
- Alexis.
415
00:15:35,333 --> 00:15:37,568
If this chick Alexis
means so much to you,
416
00:15:37,569 --> 00:15:38,935
how come I haven't met her yet?
417
00:15:38,936 --> 00:15:41,038
'Cause she means that much to me.
418
00:15:41,039 --> 00:15:44,007
Mazel Tov, man.
Love. Angels.
419
00:15:44,008 --> 00:15:45,376
Awesome.
420
00:15:45,377 --> 00:15:47,044
What about that girl at camp
421
00:15:47,045 --> 00:15:49,313
who used to let, uh,
you play with her boobies?
422
00:15:49,314 --> 00:15:51,215
Jackie? We were 15.
423
00:15:51,216 --> 00:15:53,083
Yeah. She looked like
a baton with titties.
424
00:15:53,084 --> 00:15:54,951
What about Gracie,
love of your life,
425
00:15:54,952 --> 00:15:56,554
till you caught her
blowing Holstein
426
00:15:56,555 --> 00:15:58,155
at the dance marathon
freshman year?
427
00:15:58,156 --> 00:15:59,323
What's your point?
428
00:15:59,324 --> 00:16:01,058
My point is this,
Lindsay, gym crush.
429
00:16:01,059 --> 00:16:04,161
Melissa, your barista.
Lot of angels, Dust.
430
00:16:04,162 --> 00:16:05,596
Why you gotta be such an asshole?
431
00:16:05,597 --> 00:16:06,797
It's what I do, man.
432
00:16:06,798 --> 00:16:08,699
Listen, good luck tonight.
If you need 'em,
433
00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:10,334
condoms are in the medicine cabinet.
434
00:16:10,335 --> 00:16:13,604
If not, Jergens lotion,
underneath my bed.
435
00:16:13,605 --> 00:16:15,072
(Groans loudly)
436
00:16:19,610 --> 00:16:21,212
(Alexis) Mm.
437
00:16:21,213 --> 00:16:23,147
(Dustin) Wow. Heh-heh.
Thank you.
438
00:16:23,148 --> 00:16:24,882
♪ (Piano music playing softly) ♪
439
00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:26,516
Alexis: Dusty...
440
00:16:26,517 --> 00:16:28,185
This is absurd.
441
00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:30,638
What? You love steak,
we're eating steak.
442
00:16:30,639 --> 00:16:31,772
You're a vegan.
443
00:16:31,773 --> 00:16:35,025
Not tonight.
Eat, eat, eat. Eat. Enjoy.
444
00:16:35,026 --> 00:16:37,178
I feel a little guilty
445
00:16:37,179 --> 00:16:39,613
Loving steak so much,
and you're a vegan.
446
00:16:39,614 --> 00:16:40,614
(Both chuckling)
447
00:16:40,615 --> 00:16:43,033
- But whatever.
- Mm.
448
00:16:43,034 --> 00:16:45,969
I love the way you eat.
(Chuckles)
449
00:16:45,970 --> 00:16:47,872
I love that you eat.
(Chuckles)
450
00:16:47,873 --> 00:16:49,806
I love that you pay.
451
00:16:49,807 --> 00:16:51,892
(Both chuckle)
452
00:16:53,261 --> 00:16:54,795
Seriously, though, I love--
453
00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:56,930
I just love watching you...
454
00:16:56,931 --> 00:16:57,964
Do anything.
455
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:02,119
I love it-- I love you, Alexis.
I love you.
456
00:17:06,657 --> 00:17:08,125
Oh, shit.
457
00:17:09,544 --> 00:17:11,795
We-- we just said
458
00:17:11,796 --> 00:17:14,431
more than once we're
gonna keep it light.
459
00:17:15,700 --> 00:17:18,268
We work together.
We're friends.
460
00:17:18,269 --> 00:17:19,537
That's what I'm supposed to say.
461
00:17:19,538 --> 00:17:21,305
Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be
462
00:17:21,306 --> 00:17:22,973
the relationship tough guy,
you know?
463
00:17:22,974 --> 00:17:24,408
I'm the dude. Heh.
464
00:17:24,409 --> 00:17:26,143
The dude can't just
come out with, uh,
465
00:17:26,144 --> 00:17:28,712
"Hey, so, I've loved you since
the moment I first saw you,
466
00:17:28,713 --> 00:17:31,381
pounding out a lender's agreement,
eating Cocoa Puffs,
467
00:17:31,382 --> 00:17:33,868
while some frosted-hair
pretty boy drooled over you."
468
00:17:33,869 --> 00:17:36,220
- Michi yamana.
- Yeah, michi yamana. Dick.
469
00:17:38,039 --> 00:17:39,673
So I love you, madly.
470
00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:42,810
Sorry. I-- I--
I know I need to stop.
471
00:17:42,811 --> 00:17:44,812
Now, stop. Just stop speaking, Dustin.
472
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,246
- Just shut your mouth.
- I'm sorry.
473
00:17:46,247 --> 00:17:49,082
Wow, kamikaze, huh?
See, this is what you do to me.
474
00:17:49,083 --> 00:17:50,000
(Chuckles nervously)
475
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:52,069
- What do I say here, but--?
- I'm sorry.
476
00:17:52,070 --> 00:17:53,253
But do you know how hard it's been
477
00:17:53,254 --> 00:17:54,922
trying to play it cool
this whole time?
478
00:17:54,923 --> 00:17:56,757
- It's been five weeks.
- I know.
479
00:17:56,758 --> 00:17:58,358
We haven't even had sex.
480
00:18:01,730 --> 00:18:03,180
Oh, that's why we're here, Alexis.
481
00:18:03,181 --> 00:18:05,399
I wanted to talk to you about--
482
00:18:07,068 --> 00:18:09,102
I think I'm ready to
take the next step.
483
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,156
Sex isn't a step, Dustin.
484
00:18:13,625 --> 00:18:15,459
Being exclusive would be a step.
485
00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:17,077
Or moving in together is a step.
486
00:18:17,078 --> 00:18:18,913
Then let's move in together.
487
00:18:18,914 --> 00:18:20,113
(Scoffs nervously)
488
00:18:23,751 --> 00:18:25,669
Oh. I need you to take me home.
489
00:18:25,670 --> 00:18:27,738
But it just felt so right.
490
00:18:27,739 --> 00:18:29,140
It just felt so right.
491
00:18:29,141 --> 00:18:30,674
No, it does.
It feels right.
492
00:18:30,675 --> 00:18:34,011
Just not right...
493
00:18:34,012 --> 00:18:35,596
Now.
494
00:18:35,597 --> 00:18:37,698
Just not right--
not right now.
495
00:18:43,855 --> 00:18:45,422
Oh, God.
496
00:18:52,447 --> 00:18:54,899
Oh. God, I'm a fag.
497
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,016
(Sniffles)
498
00:19:00,038 --> 00:19:01,589
Dude, you canceled spice.
499
00:19:01,590 --> 00:19:03,390
It was, like, 21 bucks
a month, man.
500
00:19:06,794 --> 00:19:08,328
Someone had a rough night.
501
00:19:08,329 --> 00:19:09,647
Ha.
502
00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,549
I'm Mr. Right.
503
00:19:11,550 --> 00:19:13,951
Just not Mr. Right now.
504
00:19:13,952 --> 00:19:16,119
I-- wh-- I--
505
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,288
What--? What does that--
what does that even mean?
506
00:19:18,289 --> 00:19:19,690
What does that even mean?
507
00:19:19,691 --> 00:19:20,975
I told her I loved her--
508
00:19:20,976 --> 00:19:22,342
Oh, no.
509
00:19:22,343 --> 00:19:24,311
- What?
- Mm-mm.
510
00:19:24,312 --> 00:19:26,146
Oh, I went in early.
No, no, I know.
511
00:19:26,147 --> 00:19:27,764
I-- I went in a little early,
but she--
512
00:19:27,765 --> 00:19:29,282
(Muffled laughter)
513
00:19:30,317 --> 00:19:32,486
Thanks for your support. Sweet.
514
00:19:32,487 --> 00:19:33,953
Dustin--
515
00:19:35,490 --> 00:19:37,575
Dusty. Look.
516
00:19:38,710 --> 00:19:41,212
This too shall pass, all right?
517
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:44,264
But that journey begins...
518
00:19:44,265 --> 00:19:46,517
with self-exploration.
519
00:19:46,518 --> 00:19:48,952
And I'm holding the map, Dusty.
520
00:19:48,953 --> 00:19:49,920
Hey.
521
00:19:51,122 --> 00:19:53,990
Kid. I got your "Bate Crate."
522
00:19:53,991 --> 00:19:56,159
You know how much you
love your "Bate Crate."
523
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:58,495
(High voice) "I'm like
comfort food for your penis."
524
00:20:00,331 --> 00:20:01,364
(Sighs)
525
00:20:01,365 --> 00:20:03,901
- What do I do?
- Okay.
526
00:20:03,902 --> 00:20:06,352
What do you do? Um, okay.
Let's look at the options.
527
00:20:06,353 --> 00:20:09,089
Stalk her, you know. But you're
never gonna be with her.
528
00:20:09,090 --> 00:20:11,124
Love her from a distance.
Never have a family.
529
00:20:11,125 --> 00:20:13,426
But you could love her kids
from a distance, I guess.
530
00:20:13,427 --> 00:20:16,080
Murder-suicide, but that's
trending upward.
531
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:18,482
Or I could just hire you.
532
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:19,482
No.
533
00:20:19,483 --> 00:20:21,669
Why not?
I don't fuck with family.
534
00:20:21,670 --> 00:20:25,256
Well, technically we're not
blood-related. Right?
535
00:20:25,257 --> 00:20:26,073
Go to bed, Dust.
536
00:20:27,409 --> 00:20:29,043
You're serious. Okay.
537
00:20:30,111 --> 00:20:32,279
I'll get serious.
538
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:34,247
If I do this...
539
00:20:34,248 --> 00:20:35,382
(Exhales)
540
00:20:36,918 --> 00:20:38,985
If I do this...
541
00:20:38,986 --> 00:20:41,088
I'm gonna make it the finest
tanking of my career.
542
00:20:41,089 --> 00:20:42,622
My bloody fucking masterpiece.
543
00:20:42,623 --> 00:20:45,225
She's gonna lose her shit like
a shit collector with amnesia.
544
00:20:45,226 --> 00:20:46,726
I'm talking about a Turkish twist,
545
00:20:46,727 --> 00:20:49,496
epic mind fuck of a tanking, okay?
546
00:20:49,497 --> 00:20:51,965
Her brain is gonna be rocking
back and forth in the shower
547
00:20:51,966 --> 00:20:53,867
for like three weeks.
(Shivers)
548
00:20:53,868 --> 00:20:55,001
Okay?
549
00:20:55,002 --> 00:20:57,871
I'm talking about demonic fucking tank.
550
00:20:57,872 --> 00:20:59,373
I'm gonna be flying up
into the sky.
551
00:20:59,374 --> 00:21:01,108
She's gonna cry tears
552
00:21:01,109 --> 00:21:03,877
that form "call Dusty"
on the ground.
553
00:21:03,878 --> 00:21:05,645
Yes? Am I doing it?
554
00:21:05,646 --> 00:21:07,180
Tell me I'm doing it.
555
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:11,435
Okay, that was weird.
And I'm not sure that--
556
00:21:11,436 --> 00:21:14,104
Listen, uh, rain check,
maybe, though. Um--
557
00:21:14,105 --> 00:21:16,173
Wow. Can't believe
I almost resorted
558
00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:18,208
to emotional terrorism.
I'm sorry.
559
00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:20,693
You're sweet. Next time.
With the next one, maybe.
560
00:21:20,694 --> 00:21:22,195
Thank you.
I'm here.
561
00:21:22,196 --> 00:21:24,264
Uh-- uh--
562
00:21:24,265 --> 00:21:26,633
A little crazy.
Sweet. Crazy mostly.
563
00:21:26,634 --> 00:21:27,467
(Door closes)
564
00:21:31,723 --> 00:21:33,523
Don't say a word.
565
00:21:38,780 --> 00:21:39,796
Man: Really?
566
00:21:41,266 --> 00:21:42,416
(Man speaking indistinctly)
567
00:21:56,313 --> 00:21:57,915
God!
568
00:21:57,916 --> 00:21:58,916
(Screams)
569
00:21:58,917 --> 00:22:00,017
Why?
570
00:22:01,318 --> 00:22:02,252
That stupid--
571
00:22:03,788 --> 00:22:06,357
Ah!
572
00:22:06,358 --> 00:22:08,542
Hi. Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction.
573
00:22:08,543 --> 00:22:10,444
How may I help you today?
574
00:22:10,445 --> 00:22:13,213
Woman: Excuse me, do you have any idea
how long I was just on hold?
575
00:22:13,214 --> 00:22:14,848
- Uh--
- it's been like an hour and a half.
576
00:22:14,849 --> 00:22:16,049
(Hangs up)
577
00:22:16,050 --> 00:22:17,517
Man: Hello. In your manual,
578
00:22:17,518 --> 00:22:19,286
you've expressed the possibility
579
00:22:19,287 --> 00:22:20,520
of some of odor issues.
580
00:22:20,521 --> 00:22:22,555
Faint aroma, it says here
on page 7.
581
00:22:22,556 --> 00:22:25,058
Come on, man.
Faint aroma? Bullshit.
582
00:22:25,059 --> 00:22:27,861
It smells like burnt
fucking hair, dude.
583
00:22:27,862 --> 00:22:29,595
'Cause, apparently, I paid
584
00:22:29,596 --> 00:22:32,465
49.90-motherfucking-5
585
00:22:32,466 --> 00:22:34,167
so that my sweet-ass condo
586
00:22:34,168 --> 00:22:36,837
smells like some
Korean cat barbecue.
587
00:22:36,838 --> 00:22:39,056
Computer voice: Touchdown.
You lose. You lose.
588
00:22:39,057 --> 00:22:40,924
- You suck.
- Uh...
589
00:22:40,925 --> 00:22:43,994
Sir, I will gladly give you a refund.
590
00:22:43,995 --> 00:22:46,046
But that's not gonna
solve your problem.
591
00:22:46,047 --> 00:22:47,163
(Beeps)
592
00:22:47,164 --> 00:22:48,164
New girl.
593
00:22:49,750 --> 00:22:50,817
Man: Ooh.
594
00:22:50,818 --> 00:22:53,687
♪ New girl ♪
595
00:22:53,688 --> 00:22:55,555
♪ Ooh, new girl ♪
596
00:22:55,556 --> 00:22:56,540
(Phone ringing)
597
00:22:57,642 --> 00:22:59,810
Did the emotional terrorist win?
598
00:22:59,811 --> 00:23:01,528
I just-- you know, it's funny.
599
00:23:01,529 --> 00:23:02,913
I never noticed your highlights
600
00:23:02,914 --> 00:23:05,048
until somebody actually
said something.
601
00:23:05,049 --> 00:23:06,950
And they're actually really good.
602
00:23:06,951 --> 00:23:08,619
Just tell me how it works.
603
00:23:08,620 --> 00:23:11,304
Let me make this crystal clear.
Before she can love you,
604
00:23:11,305 --> 00:23:13,006
she has to hate me.
605
00:23:13,007 --> 00:23:15,842
But before she can hate me,
she has to like me.
606
00:23:15,843 --> 00:23:17,777
That may be the hardest part
of the equation.
607
00:23:17,778 --> 00:23:19,446
So this is where I set up
the meet-cute.
608
00:23:19,447 --> 00:23:22,282
In every movie, the stars meet
in some cutesy bullshit way.
609
00:23:22,283 --> 00:23:25,284
Since every woman is looking
for that dreamy-witty-goofy guy
610
00:23:25,285 --> 00:23:27,220
oOf their sitcom, rom-com fantasies,
611
00:23:27,221 --> 00:23:28,688
I've gotta be that thing.
612
00:23:28,689 --> 00:23:30,157
Here.
(Exhales)
613
00:23:30,158 --> 00:23:31,491
Lucky slap on the ass.
Hit it.
614
00:23:31,492 --> 00:23:33,393
♪ ("My Best Friend's Girl"
by The Cars playing) ♪
615
00:23:33,394 --> 00:23:35,295
♪ Here she comes again ♪
616
00:23:35,296 --> 00:23:39,366
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
617
00:23:39,367 --> 00:23:42,569
♪ I kinda like the way she dips ♪
618
00:23:42,570 --> 00:23:44,671
♪ Wild child, baby ♪
619
00:23:44,672 --> 00:23:46,873
♪ She's my best friend's girl ♪
620
00:23:48,276 --> 00:23:50,476
♪ She's my best friend's girl ♪
621
00:23:50,477 --> 00:23:51,477
♪ Wild child ♪
622
00:23:52,780 --> 00:23:54,013
♪ But she used to be mine ♪
623
00:23:54,014 --> 00:23:55,465
Oh! (Grunts)
624
00:24:02,556 --> 00:24:03,774
(Groans)
625
00:24:08,229 --> 00:24:09,912
Are you okay?
626
00:24:11,849 --> 00:24:13,867
(Chuckling)
627
00:24:13,868 --> 00:24:16,770
Long as you're up.
I'm Alexis.
628
00:24:24,178 --> 00:24:25,279
What's up?
629
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,748
Wow. Wow, that looked really real.
630
00:24:27,749 --> 00:24:31,367
Is-- is that real?
It's real and it hurts.
631
00:24:31,368 --> 00:24:32,869
Okay. So, uh-- so, like,
what happens now?
632
00:24:32,870 --> 00:24:35,222
You, uh-- you come back every day
for a couple of weeks,
633
00:24:35,223 --> 00:24:37,257
slowly, eventually, you build her trust.
634
00:24:37,258 --> 00:24:39,543
Daddy Bee's got the honey.
635
00:24:39,544 --> 00:24:40,460
That's her number.
636
00:24:40,461 --> 00:24:41,694
- Let's go eat.
- How--?
637
00:24:41,695 --> 00:24:43,714
How did--?
638
00:24:43,715 --> 00:24:44,981
Now, remember, she's classy.
639
00:24:44,982 --> 00:24:46,916
So maybe a-- a fast food joint.
640
00:24:46,917 --> 00:24:48,585
Or wait, wait.
Drive-thru.
641
00:24:48,586 --> 00:24:50,286
Do I tell you what flavor of jam
642
00:24:50,287 --> 00:24:51,988
to eat out of your boss's ass?
643
00:24:51,989 --> 00:24:54,191
No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay?
644
00:24:54,192 --> 00:24:55,741
You want offensive locales?
645
00:24:55,742 --> 00:24:56,909
There's a place in Revere,
646
00:24:56,910 --> 00:24:58,411
they let you boil your own dolphin.
647
00:24:58,412 --> 00:25:00,913
Place in Arlington, you can
have a dominatrix waitress
648
00:25:00,914 --> 00:25:03,649
take a dump on your lap while
she peppers your Cobb salad.
649
00:25:03,650 --> 00:25:05,986
I know a spot in P-town
you can get a meat loaf
650
00:25:05,987 --> 00:25:07,404
shaped like a cock.
651
00:25:07,405 --> 00:25:11,074
You gotta trust me. She's not
gonna know what hit her.
652
00:25:12,944 --> 00:25:14,043
All right. Good luck.
653
00:25:16,497 --> 00:25:17,447
(Woman groans)
654
00:25:19,784 --> 00:25:22,219
Do not wear that, please--
what am I doing?
655
00:25:22,220 --> 00:25:24,021
Just take this. This is
what you're doing.
656
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:26,089
Clean the pipes.
'Cause it's mandatory
657
00:25:26,090 --> 00:25:27,958
to just flush 'em out
after a relationship.
658
00:25:27,959 --> 00:25:29,793
That's disgusting.
But seriously,
659
00:25:29,794 --> 00:25:30,794
what's wrong with me?
660
00:25:30,795 --> 00:25:32,362
Dustin's a good guy.
661
00:25:32,363 --> 00:25:35,132
Oh. You're such a fucking
girl sometimes.
662
00:25:35,133 --> 00:25:36,817
A good guy? Who cares?
663
00:25:36,818 --> 00:25:38,351
A good guy is, like,
664
00:25:38,352 --> 00:25:41,104
somebody that your parents dig.
665
00:25:41,105 --> 00:25:42,806
Listen to me.
In the real world.
666
00:25:42,807 --> 00:25:44,307
- Ami.
- I'm listening.
667
00:25:44,308 --> 00:25:46,977
- In the real world.
- Yes.
668
00:25:46,978 --> 00:25:49,345
What if he's a good man
with a good heart?
669
00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:54,051
And he's smart. And if he's not
too rough on the eyes.
670
00:25:54,052 --> 00:25:56,470
Well, if ifs and buts
were cocks and nuts,
671
00:25:56,471 --> 00:25:58,388
I'd be getting gangbanged right now.
672
00:25:58,389 --> 00:26:00,791
Seriously. But it's that
I wanna teach you something...
673
00:26:00,792 --> 00:26:02,258
- (Laughs)
- that took me, like,
674
00:26:02,259 --> 00:26:05,395
years and years of promiscuity
to learn. Okay?
675
00:26:05,396 --> 00:26:06,997
- What is this outfit?
- It's awesome.
676
00:26:06,998 --> 00:26:08,865
Hey. How many guys
have you slept with?
677
00:26:08,866 --> 00:26:10,884
- Like, total? Three, right?
- Two.
678
00:26:10,885 --> 00:26:12,235
Ami: Ow!
679
00:26:13,471 --> 00:26:15,972
- Two?!
- I'm a serial monogamist.
680
00:26:15,973 --> 00:26:18,642
Well, okay.
That's, like, the first big,
681
00:26:18,643 --> 00:26:20,209
huge problem right there.
682
00:26:20,210 --> 00:26:21,711
Didn't anybody ever tell you
683
00:26:21,712 --> 00:26:23,580
that you have to suck a few frogs
684
00:26:23,581 --> 00:26:25,148
before you get to suck...
685
00:26:25,149 --> 00:26:26,366
a prince?
686
00:26:26,367 --> 00:26:28,601
I believe it's "kiss."
687
00:26:28,602 --> 00:26:30,386
Pretend it's a year abroad,
you know?
688
00:26:30,387 --> 00:26:31,888
But instead of going to Europe,
689
00:26:31,889 --> 00:26:35,191
you're just gonna bang
a whole shitload of dudes.
690
00:26:35,192 --> 00:26:36,376
It's awesome.
691
00:26:36,377 --> 00:26:38,094
I haven't been drunk in a long time.
692
00:26:38,095 --> 00:26:40,430
Good. You need it.
You need it.
693
00:26:40,431 --> 00:26:44,084
Now tell me something.
What do you see in this box?
694
00:26:44,085 --> 00:26:45,335
Ah.
695
00:26:45,336 --> 00:26:48,054
- I see... into the--
- No, in the box.
696
00:26:48,055 --> 00:26:49,556
Oh.
697
00:26:49,557 --> 00:26:53,159
An inordinate amount of
masturbatory aides, which,
698
00:26:53,160 --> 00:26:55,395
some, I pray...
699
00:26:55,396 --> 00:26:56,329
are novelty-sized.
700
00:26:58,199 --> 00:26:59,632
Ami: Oh, my God!
701
00:26:59,633 --> 00:27:00,934
(Both laughing)
702
00:27:00,935 --> 00:27:03,870
Okay. That will do nicely.
703
00:27:03,871 --> 00:27:05,805
You, sir. Show her a
good time tonight.
704
00:27:05,806 --> 00:27:08,375
- I love you. I love you.
- Show her a good time.
705
00:27:08,376 --> 00:27:10,460
Such a good time. Love you.
Have a great night.
706
00:27:10,461 --> 00:27:12,045
Don't be scared without me.
707
00:27:12,046 --> 00:27:15,115
- I'll be back. I'll be back.
- Yeah. I'll be waiting--
708
00:27:15,116 --> 00:27:18,351
- She's my roommate.
- I bet she gives great head.
709
00:27:18,352 --> 00:27:20,937
Actually, I'm sure she does.
710
00:27:20,938 --> 00:27:22,722
You're pretty drunk.
711
00:27:22,723 --> 00:27:24,891
I'm pretty ready to rock!
712
00:27:24,892 --> 00:27:25,959
(Laughing)
713
00:27:27,929 --> 00:27:28,895
Oh, boy.
714
00:27:30,214 --> 00:27:32,799
Tank. Is this a Mustang?
715
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,417
It's a GTO.
716
00:27:34,418 --> 00:27:38,355
- A-- whatever that means.
- Yeah.
717
00:27:38,356 --> 00:27:40,189
(Laughing)
718
00:27:40,190 --> 00:27:44,027
Well, listen, uh, I just wanna
warn you, my stereo is busted.
719
00:27:44,028 --> 00:27:46,129
Oh, that's cool. That's cool.
720
00:27:46,130 --> 00:27:47,380
(Starts car)
721
00:27:47,381 --> 00:27:49,449
♪ I like big booties,
big old titties ♪
722
00:27:49,450 --> 00:27:50,701
(Screams)
723
00:27:50,702 --> 00:27:52,402
Hey, this is my--
724
00:27:52,403 --> 00:27:54,987
I almost lost my virginity
to this song.
725
00:27:54,988 --> 00:27:57,140
♪ (2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
playing on radio) ♪
726
00:27:57,141 --> 00:27:58,825
♪ I get hard after seeing you ♪
727
00:27:58,826 --> 00:28:01,528
♪ How hard? Hard like a rock ♪
728
00:28:01,529 --> 00:28:03,163
♪ When you make that pussy pop ♪
729
00:28:03,164 --> 00:28:04,597
♪ Pop that pussy ♪
730
00:28:04,598 --> 00:28:07,400
♪ Hey, pop that pussy, baby ♪
731
00:28:07,401 --> 00:28:11,004
- Let's go!
- Yeah, let's go!
732
00:28:11,005 --> 00:28:12,488
♪ (Hip-hop music playing) ♪
733
00:28:12,489 --> 00:28:15,959
- This is a first, Tank.
- Yeah, me too.
734
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,795
Should we sit front row and center?
735
00:28:20,865 --> 00:28:22,215
Oh, wild.
736
00:28:22,216 --> 00:28:24,150
Whoo.
737
00:28:24,151 --> 00:28:26,319
Yeah, can we get, uh,
two Long Island Iced Teas,
738
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:29,239
and put the chop-chop on that, lady.
739
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:30,423
Could you make mine a double?
740
00:28:30,424 --> 00:28:32,525
And two shots of tequila, please.
741
00:28:32,526 --> 00:28:34,294
Oh. Oh.
742
00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:36,663
(Laughing, shrieks happily)
743
00:28:36,664 --> 00:28:38,314
Ha-ha!
744
00:28:38,315 --> 00:28:39,832
Okay, let's slow down, princess.
745
00:28:39,833 --> 00:28:42,335
You're getting sloshed like
it's your prom night here.
746
00:28:43,755 --> 00:28:45,421
I never went to prom.
I never went--
747
00:28:45,422 --> 00:28:47,357
No shock there.
I believe that.
748
00:28:47,358 --> 00:28:49,042
I had the date, I had the dress.
749
00:28:49,043 --> 00:28:51,811
But prom was the night my dog
bit my sister in the neck...
750
00:28:51,812 --> 00:28:53,413
- Yeah.
- and we had to put him down.
751
00:28:53,414 --> 00:28:55,915
- Oh, shit.
- And I will never,
752
00:28:55,916 --> 00:28:58,418
oh, my goodness, ever
forget the horror
753
00:28:58,419 --> 00:28:59,753
in little Fraggle's eyes
754
00:28:59,754 --> 00:29:03,122
as his paw went limp in my hand.
755
00:29:03,123 --> 00:29:05,892
Horrible. Blood.
It was just, like, uh.
756
00:29:05,893 --> 00:29:08,461
Sure that's not the only thing
that's gone limp in your hand.
757
00:29:08,462 --> 00:29:10,363
But I will say it.
In all sincerity,
758
00:29:10,364 --> 00:29:12,098
That sucks. Sorry.
759
00:29:12,099 --> 00:29:14,200
Sad to lose a pet.
760
00:29:14,201 --> 00:29:16,269
Where do they learn how to do this?
761
00:29:16,270 --> 00:29:17,537
- Well...
- I wanna know...
762
00:29:17,538 --> 00:29:19,739
I taught them a few things.
763
00:29:19,740 --> 00:29:21,191
- Ha-ha.
- Ha-ha. Ha-ha.
764
00:29:21,192 --> 00:29:22,993
(Laughs)
765
00:29:22,994 --> 00:29:25,445
Alexis: That's incredible.
766
00:29:25,446 --> 00:29:27,313
Oh. Oh!
767
00:29:27,314 --> 00:29:30,316
What is that?
What is that?
768
00:29:30,317 --> 00:29:32,252
I think we should just fuck tonight.
769
00:29:38,209 --> 00:29:39,826
(Laughing)
770
00:29:47,835 --> 00:29:50,821
- That looks pretty.
- Thanks.
771
00:29:50,822 --> 00:29:51,988
I'm gonna go pee.
772
00:29:51,989 --> 00:29:53,190
Got it.
773
00:29:53,191 --> 00:29:55,608
(Phone ringing, rock music playing)
774
00:29:55,609 --> 00:29:56,993
Hey, I can't talk.
775
00:29:56,994 --> 00:29:59,729
- Where are you?
- I-I'm out. I'm seeing a band.
776
00:29:59,730 --> 00:30:02,532
They suck, but I'm seeing them.
So I really can't talk.
777
00:30:02,533 --> 00:30:04,417
Put your "Guitar Hero" down.
778
00:30:04,418 --> 00:30:06,219
What? What the fuck
are you talking about?
779
00:30:06,220 --> 00:30:09,289
I'm not playing "Guitar Hero."
Um, Saturday night. I'm out.
780
00:30:09,290 --> 00:30:11,508
Just put it down.
We have problems.
781
00:30:11,509 --> 00:30:13,043
All right. What is the story?
782
00:30:13,044 --> 00:30:16,663
I am... drunk, and he is either
783
00:30:16,664 --> 00:30:18,214
the biggest asshole in America,
784
00:30:18,215 --> 00:30:20,850
or trying to convince me he's
the biggest asshole in America.
785
00:30:20,851 --> 00:30:24,287
Either way, even a broken clock
is right twice a day,
786
00:30:24,288 --> 00:30:25,772
But this guy...
come on.
787
00:30:25,773 --> 00:30:27,924
How better to appreciate
Dustin than to do this?
788
00:30:27,925 --> 00:30:30,794
Than to bang this guy, who's,
like, obviously far inferior,
789
00:30:30,795 --> 00:30:33,863
but probably hung like Seabiscuit.
Right?
790
00:30:33,864 --> 00:30:35,699
Now go. Go and bang.
791
00:30:35,700 --> 00:30:38,134
Bang like you have never
"bung" before.
792
00:30:38,135 --> 00:30:41,154
And do it for Dustin.
793
00:30:41,155 --> 00:30:42,522
(Toilet flushes)
794
00:30:42,523 --> 00:30:43,956
What is this?
795
00:30:43,957 --> 00:30:46,526
- Baby doll...
- Hi.
796
00:30:46,527 --> 00:30:48,111
- Hi.
- I'm Alexis.
797
00:30:48,112 --> 00:30:50,180
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
798
00:30:50,181 --> 00:30:51,530
And when it comes to love,
799
00:30:51,531 --> 00:30:53,850
there's only one thing
you can trust.
800
00:30:53,851 --> 00:30:55,384
And it's not your friends,
801
00:30:55,385 --> 00:30:57,020
it's not your head.
802
00:30:57,021 --> 00:31:00,723
It's that little voice
inside your clamburger.
803
00:31:01,908 --> 00:31:04,244
♪ (Mark Weigle's "Hot Rod" playing) ♪
804
00:31:04,245 --> 00:31:05,862
"Listen to me."
805
00:31:05,863 --> 00:31:06,879
(Chuckles)
806
00:31:08,316 --> 00:31:09,665
Oh.
807
00:31:09,666 --> 00:31:10,800
(Door closes)
808
00:31:15,355 --> 00:31:16,706
Watch this. It's a game.
809
00:31:16,707 --> 00:31:17,874
It's called "Who's at the door?"
810
00:31:17,875 --> 00:31:20,193
And I look out the peephole.
811
00:31:20,194 --> 00:31:21,911
It's the mailman.
812
00:31:21,912 --> 00:31:24,564
♪ You know I'm looking forward
to the quarter-mile ride ♪
813
00:31:24,565 --> 00:31:26,917
♪ Motor on the trail and... ♪
814
00:31:26,918 --> 00:31:29,202
Wait, aren't you gonna play
with her tits? Help me out.
815
00:31:29,203 --> 00:31:30,736
♪ There'll be a party tonight ♪
816
00:31:30,737 --> 00:31:31,971
♪ I got a hot rod ♪
817
00:31:31,972 --> 00:31:33,506
You can stay there.
That's good.
818
00:31:33,507 --> 00:31:35,091
Oh. Oh. You grab that.
I'll, uh--
819
00:31:35,092 --> 00:31:36,175
I'll get the next one.
820
00:31:36,176 --> 00:31:39,212
- Uh, there won't be a next time.
- Lucky me.
821
00:31:39,213 --> 00:31:40,179
Ha-ha-ha.
822
00:31:41,966 --> 00:31:42,648
Oh.
823
00:31:44,769 --> 00:31:46,386
And our motto, basically, is,
824
00:31:46,387 --> 00:31:49,288
"Without air, we--"
825
00:31:49,289 --> 00:31:50,824
"without air, we cannot live."
826
00:31:50,825 --> 00:31:52,192
Right.
827
00:31:52,193 --> 00:31:53,593
- Stop.
- Why?
828
00:31:53,594 --> 00:31:56,196
I get it.
You're a dick.
829
00:31:56,197 --> 00:31:57,831
I'm sufficiently offended.
830
00:31:58,966 --> 00:32:00,199
Done.
831
00:32:11,995 --> 00:32:13,363
Mm.
832
00:32:19,337 --> 00:32:20,536
Mm. Mm.
833
00:32:23,274 --> 00:32:24,841
Coming...
834
00:32:24,842 --> 00:32:26,309
Up?
835
00:32:29,330 --> 00:32:30,330
(Claps hands)
836
00:32:31,432 --> 00:32:32,998
Uh...
837
00:32:38,572 --> 00:32:39,939
Suit yourself.
838
00:32:42,710 --> 00:32:44,677
Enjoy the long ride home.
839
00:32:45,813 --> 00:32:47,747
(Laughing)
840
00:32:52,986 --> 00:32:55,187
I'm going home, okay?
Now, why am I going home?
841
00:32:55,188 --> 00:32:57,374
Because I'm going home.
I'm getting in the car.
842
00:32:57,375 --> 00:33:01,010
Eyes in the game and the head
in the ball.
843
00:33:01,011 --> 00:33:02,512
Can't do it.
844
00:33:03,864 --> 00:33:06,182
Just start the car.
Just start the car, baby.
845
00:33:06,183 --> 00:33:08,451
Just gotta start the car,
you get the fuck out of here.
846
00:33:08,452 --> 00:33:10,786
Why? 'Cause, look.
'Cause your head's in the game,
847
00:33:10,787 --> 00:33:12,588
your balls are attached,
848
00:33:12,589 --> 00:33:15,125
and you're gonna go home
and maybe...
849
00:33:15,126 --> 00:33:16,692
maybe she'll call you mañana.
850
00:33:16,693 --> 00:33:18,728
Why would she call me?
She'll call Dusty.
851
00:33:18,729 --> 00:33:21,064
'Cause she's what?
Dusty's girlfriend.
852
00:33:21,065 --> 00:33:24,000
Follow the bouncing ball.
She is Dusty's girlfriend.
853
00:33:25,336 --> 00:33:27,437
Listen to me.
854
00:33:30,658 --> 00:33:34,761
What is wrong with you, asshole?
855
00:33:34,762 --> 00:33:36,329
(Exhales)
856
00:33:46,156 --> 00:33:47,490
Tsk.
857
00:33:47,491 --> 00:33:51,360
You... asked me...
858
00:33:51,361 --> 00:33:52,394
to trust you.
859
00:33:53,897 --> 00:33:57,567
And I trusted you.
Done. Mm-hm.
860
00:33:57,568 --> 00:33:58,735
Somehow.
861
00:33:58,736 --> 00:34:00,603
Some way.
862
00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:04,474
Thank you.
863
00:34:04,475 --> 00:34:06,209
(Laughing)
864
00:34:07,561 --> 00:34:09,428
Mm-hm.
865
00:34:09,429 --> 00:34:11,163
Dude, you did it.
She-- she just called.
866
00:34:11,164 --> 00:34:14,066
Okay, quote... "I just had
the worst night of my life."
867
00:34:14,067 --> 00:34:16,669
"I just had the worst night
of my life." You did it, man.
868
00:34:16,670 --> 00:34:17,921
We're having lunch tomorrow.
869
00:34:17,922 --> 00:34:20,507
Tank, we're having lunch.
Can you believe it?
870
00:34:20,508 --> 00:34:23,843
Dude, when it comes to being
an asshole, you are a genius.
871
00:34:23,844 --> 00:34:26,445
Genius. Ha! Heh-heh.
872
00:34:28,198 --> 00:34:30,767
Yeah, I--
anything for a friend.
873
00:34:30,768 --> 00:34:32,085
Alexis: Mm.
874
00:34:32,086 --> 00:34:33,152
So...
875
00:34:33,153 --> 00:34:34,620
(Clears throat)
876
00:34:34,621 --> 00:34:35,555
About the other night...
877
00:34:35,556 --> 00:34:37,857
Okay, I was stupid.
I was stupid.
878
00:34:37,858 --> 00:34:39,324
It's just, I've never...
879
00:34:39,325 --> 00:34:41,861
I've never gone this far
with a girl emotionally.
880
00:34:41,862 --> 00:34:43,763
- And I-- I just lost it.
- Slow down. Slow down.
881
00:34:43,764 --> 00:34:46,149
I was stupid. And harsh.
882
00:34:46,150 --> 00:34:47,367
And I'm sorry.
883
00:34:47,368 --> 00:34:49,736
Last night I went out
with a real asshole.
884
00:34:49,737 --> 00:34:51,204
Horrible.
885
00:34:51,205 --> 00:34:54,039
It just made me realize that
guys like you are so rare.
886
00:34:56,093 --> 00:34:58,728
But it also made me realize
how few guys I've dated.
887
00:34:58,729 --> 00:35:00,930
How few guys I've actually
gone out with.
888
00:35:00,931 --> 00:35:03,866
Like, none. I need to date,
and you need to date.
889
00:35:03,867 --> 00:35:04,951
Other people.
890
00:35:04,952 --> 00:35:06,836
I'm just saying that...
891
00:35:06,837 --> 00:35:09,756
what I'm trying to say is
that I wanna start over...
892
00:35:09,757 --> 00:35:11,557
as friends first.
893
00:35:11,558 --> 00:35:13,860
Like, be friends.
894
00:35:13,861 --> 00:35:16,596
I like you. As my friend.
895
00:35:16,597 --> 00:35:18,398
(Seagulls cawing)
896
00:35:23,069 --> 00:35:25,070
Start over.
897
00:35:25,071 --> 00:35:27,574
- As friends first.
- Friends.
898
00:35:27,575 --> 00:35:29,675
Like Harry and Sally. Heh-heh.
899
00:35:30,711 --> 00:35:32,579
Hmmmmm...
900
00:35:32,580 --> 00:35:34,080
I think the point of that movie
901
00:35:34,081 --> 00:35:37,000
was that men and women,
they can't just be friends.
902
00:35:37,001 --> 00:35:39,752
No, no, no, no. They can--
they can be just friends.
903
00:35:39,753 --> 00:35:42,789
Even date other people.
As long as they end up together.
904
00:35:42,790 --> 00:35:45,425
In the-- in the end. As long, as long,
as they end up together. Right?
905
00:35:45,426 --> 00:35:46,976
Yeah.
906
00:35:46,977 --> 00:35:49,311
- This was fun. You know, uh...
- Yeah.
907
00:35:49,312 --> 00:35:51,180
I, uh-- I'm gonna go,
908
00:35:51,181 --> 00:35:53,282
Because my sister is getting married.
909
00:35:53,283 --> 00:35:55,351
It's an on-again, off-again,
on-again thing.
910
00:35:55,352 --> 00:35:57,620
She's freaking out, treating me
like her assistant.
911
00:35:57,621 --> 00:35:59,138
So I'm running all over.
912
00:35:59,139 --> 00:36:01,674
I'm-- I'm really glad
we had this talk, you know?
913
00:36:04,061 --> 00:36:06,763
Dude. You check out that
sandwich they got downstairs?
914
00:36:06,764 --> 00:36:08,932
Bread is, like, two slices
of freaking pizza, man.
915
00:36:08,933 --> 00:36:10,800
- Only in America.
- Fuck me.
916
00:36:10,801 --> 00:36:14,437
Man, on phone: Clean air probably
shouldn't stink like flaming ass nougat.
917
00:36:14,438 --> 00:36:16,138
I got a real fucking
tough guy over here.
918
00:36:16,139 --> 00:36:18,641
I got a guy on the verge of
a five-state killing spree.
919
00:36:18,642 --> 00:36:20,076
- Do you wanna--?
- Yeah.
920
00:36:20,077 --> 00:36:22,495
Ready? Three, two, one.
921
00:36:22,496 --> 00:36:25,415
Both: Sir, let me transfer
you to my supervisor.
922
00:36:25,416 --> 00:36:27,033
- Make me proud.
- Kill it.
923
00:36:28,318 --> 00:36:30,986
Hi, this is supervisor Eugene Lenay.
924
00:36:30,987 --> 00:36:31,987
Both: How may I help you?
925
00:36:34,758 --> 00:36:35,558
Please hold.
926
00:36:35,559 --> 00:36:36,642
- (Beeps)
- (Exhales)
927
00:36:38,912 --> 00:36:41,080
Treat her like a bowling ball.
928
00:36:41,081 --> 00:36:42,348
Strike.
929
00:36:42,349 --> 00:36:44,166
Dust, hold on one second,
all right?
930
00:36:44,167 --> 00:36:48,003
Sir, I looked into the problem,
and it'll actually fix itself.
931
00:36:48,004 --> 00:36:49,555
- What's up, kid?
- You failed, Tank.
932
00:36:49,556 --> 00:36:51,241
- She wants to see other people.
- Okay.
933
00:36:51,242 --> 00:36:53,710
Wait, what? She said she wants
to see other people?
934
00:36:53,711 --> 00:36:55,144
Yeah, yeah, she did.
935
00:36:55,145 --> 00:36:56,896
That's why you're gonna
take her out again.
936
00:36:56,897 --> 00:36:59,398
Except this time, you're gonna
get seriously diabolical.
937
00:36:59,399 --> 00:37:02,368
Okay? I'm talking, uh,
public defecation.
938
00:37:02,369 --> 00:37:04,120
Dust, you're freaking
me out here, okay?
939
00:37:04,121 --> 00:37:05,655
Tanking is a subtle art.
940
00:37:05,656 --> 00:37:08,458
You can't go in there crazy like
a dragon with a hemorrhoid.
941
00:37:08,459 --> 00:37:10,826
Tank: Besides, why do you think
she'd ever wanna speak to me again?
942
00:37:12,796 --> 00:37:15,014
Dustin: Don't worry,
I'm taking care of that.
943
00:37:15,015 --> 00:37:17,300
No, you're not.
You do-- Dust.
944
00:37:17,301 --> 00:37:19,218
Don't do anything, okay?
Listen.
945
00:37:19,219 --> 00:37:22,021
I have to teach a training
seminar 10 minutes ago.
946
00:37:22,022 --> 00:37:23,640
Dusty?
947
00:37:26,543 --> 00:37:27,610
(Gargles, spits)
948
00:37:28,678 --> 00:37:31,046
- You're late, Tank.
- I know.
949
00:37:31,047 --> 00:37:33,166
- You're Tank, right?
- Are you a cop?
950
00:37:33,167 --> 00:37:36,569
No. No, Roger’s friend, Sonny,
said you fix things.
951
00:37:36,570 --> 00:37:37,870
- Walk with me.
- Oh.
952
00:37:37,871 --> 00:37:38,971
- You're late.
- Thank you.
953
00:37:38,972 --> 00:37:40,239
I'm going crazy without her.
954
00:37:40,240 --> 00:37:42,708
Like shit-in-the-bed-and-
roll-around-in-the crazy.
955
00:37:42,709 --> 00:37:44,143
- You're late, man.
- Shut up.
956
00:37:44,144 --> 00:37:45,945
Religious girl. I know.
How do I bump into her?
957
00:37:45,946 --> 00:37:47,380
- You're late.
- No shit.
958
00:37:47,381 --> 00:37:49,748
She's a high-school English teacher.
So there's that.
959
00:37:49,749 --> 00:37:52,418
Guy can't really hang around
a school now. Unfortunately.
960
00:37:52,419 --> 00:37:54,987
- Oh! Gets her hair done Tuesdays.
- Ooh. Love it.
961
00:37:54,988 --> 00:37:56,489
What did you do? Did you put
your foot in your mouth?
962
00:37:56,490 --> 00:37:58,508
Foot-long in somebody
else's mouth? Facts.
963
00:37:58,509 --> 00:38:00,626
Let's say you're gonna
have to be a real asshole
964
00:38:00,627 --> 00:38:02,195
to make me look good. (Laughs)
965
00:38:02,196 --> 00:38:03,730
It's what I do.
966
00:38:03,731 --> 00:38:06,415
- You're late.
- Yes.
967
00:38:06,416 --> 00:38:08,568
Everybody, you're late.
Don't let it happen again.
968
00:38:08,569 --> 00:38:10,520
I'm Tank, and I will be brief.
969
00:38:10,521 --> 00:38:13,239
Here at Airmeister,
we have two rules.
970
00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:15,408
No refunds.
971
00:38:15,409 --> 00:38:17,860
The beauty of an air purifier
is that nobody can prove
972
00:38:17,861 --> 00:38:19,445
that it doesn't work.
973
00:38:19,446 --> 00:38:20,863
- (Beep)
- Amanda, you saucy tart.
974
00:38:20,864 --> 00:38:23,032
I want somebody really pissed off.
975
00:38:23,033 --> 00:38:25,535
I'm talking about Defcon 2
level of anger.
976
00:38:25,536 --> 00:38:26,902
Who do you got for me, baby?
977
00:38:26,903 --> 00:38:28,788
Amanda: I have just the one
for you, Tank.
978
00:38:28,789 --> 00:38:31,040
She's furious and she asked
for you by name.
979
00:38:31,041 --> 00:38:32,308
Put her through.
980
00:38:35,028 --> 00:38:37,863
Tank Turner, customer satisfaction.
981
00:38:37,864 --> 00:38:39,332
How may I help you?
982
00:38:39,333 --> 00:38:41,634
Alexis: Before we even discuss
what I just received,
983
00:38:41,635 --> 00:38:43,469
which is a whole other mystery,
984
00:38:43,470 --> 00:38:45,555
I-I demand an explanation for yesterday.
985
00:38:45,556 --> 00:38:47,356
Ma'am, I'm fully concerned.
986
00:38:47,357 --> 00:38:48,457
What happened yesterday?
987
00:38:48,458 --> 00:38:49,809
Are you gay?
988
00:38:49,810 --> 00:38:50,977
Or are you just an asshole?
989
00:38:50,978 --> 00:38:54,096
Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous,
990
00:38:54,097 --> 00:38:55,764
Because no verbal affront
991
00:38:55,765 --> 00:38:59,152
could be as devastating to me
as your dissatisfaction.
992
00:38:59,153 --> 00:39:00,987
Dissatisfaction?
993
00:39:00,988 --> 00:39:02,454
Yes, I mean, if the unit's performance
994
00:39:02,455 --> 00:39:05,658
or lack thereof, has left you frustrated--
995
00:39:05,659 --> 00:39:06,759
See, I never saw your unit.
996
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:08,294
I gave you your chance,
997
00:39:08,295 --> 00:39:09,545
And you didn't deliver.
998
00:39:09,546 --> 00:39:12,248
Ma'am, you're upset.
I'm upset.
999
00:39:12,249 --> 00:39:14,801
I'm upset that you
will never, ever know
1000
00:39:14,802 --> 00:39:17,219
What it's like to sit on a hot,
1001
00:39:17,220 --> 00:39:19,055
sweaty summer night,
1002
00:39:19,056 --> 00:39:21,791
and let that unit blow
its glorious bounty
1003
00:39:21,792 --> 00:39:23,092
all over your face.
1004
00:39:23,093 --> 00:39:26,396
Whoa. You think after the shit
you put me through
1005
00:39:26,397 --> 00:39:30,115
that-- that I-- I called just so
you could talk dirty to me?
1006
00:39:30,116 --> 00:39:32,835
I gave you a one-time
free hall pass for sex.
1007
00:39:32,836 --> 00:39:35,905
Good sex. Hot sex.
I-- I-- I...
1008
00:39:35,906 --> 00:39:37,740
Fucking roofied myself.
1009
00:39:37,741 --> 00:39:38,724
(Gasps)
1010
00:39:40,009 --> 00:39:41,327
I'm a little confused. Amanda?
1011
00:39:41,328 --> 00:39:42,895
You're confused?
That makes two of us,
1012
00:39:42,896 --> 00:39:46,048
because I don't know what kind
of asshole acts like an asshole,
1013
00:39:46,049 --> 00:39:48,717
and then, when it actually
comes time to be an asshole,
1014
00:39:48,718 --> 00:39:50,602
walks away.
1015
00:39:50,603 --> 00:39:52,821
Like a total asshole.
1016
00:39:52,822 --> 00:39:55,657
Making me look like an
even bigger asshole
1017
00:39:55,658 --> 00:39:58,877
for offering some big-ass asshole
1018
00:39:58,878 --> 00:40:00,996
asshole sex in the first place.
1019
00:40:00,997 --> 00:40:03,382
What kind of asshole are you?
1020
00:40:03,383 --> 00:40:05,601
(All laughing)
1021
00:40:05,602 --> 00:40:07,953
This is actually a personal call.
1022
00:40:07,954 --> 00:40:09,972
Dude, you are so hired.
1023
00:40:09,973 --> 00:40:11,406
Excuse me for a second.
1024
00:40:11,407 --> 00:40:12,407
(Girl laughing)
1025
00:40:12,408 --> 00:40:14,393
Shit.
1026
00:40:14,394 --> 00:40:15,778
Asshole.
1027
00:40:15,779 --> 00:40:18,297
♪ (The Cars'
"My Best Friend's Girl" playing) ♪
1028
00:40:30,260 --> 00:40:31,461
Sorry.
1029
00:40:31,462 --> 00:40:32,328
Offer expired.
1030
00:40:32,329 --> 00:40:34,029
Oh, okay.
1031
00:40:39,336 --> 00:40:42,405
Did you really think
that roses and a poem
1032
00:40:42,406 --> 00:40:44,040
would give you a second chance?
1033
00:40:44,041 --> 00:40:46,608
You rhymed "apology"
with "apologetically."
1034
00:40:46,609 --> 00:40:47,760
I'm--
1035
00:40:47,761 --> 00:40:49,145
I just felt bad, okay?
1036
00:40:49,146 --> 00:40:51,480
Because you're right, I do
owe you an explanation.
1037
00:40:51,481 --> 00:40:54,016
I didn't sleep with you because
you're not attractive.
1038
00:40:54,017 --> 00:40:55,101
There, I said it.
1039
00:40:55,102 --> 00:40:56,468
Oh, thanks.
Thank you so much,
1040
00:40:56,469 --> 00:40:58,837
because you saved me from
what could have possibly been
1041
00:40:58,838 --> 00:41:00,138
the worst decision of my life.
1042
00:41:00,139 --> 00:41:01,941
And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana.
1043
00:41:01,942 --> 00:41:03,976
Ooh, 1-0, okay.
You're below my standards.
1044
00:41:03,977 --> 00:41:05,411
Even for a one-night pity fuck.
1045
00:41:05,412 --> 00:41:08,114
And I've taken down
some real hogs, Alexis.
1046
00:41:08,115 --> 00:41:10,065
Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep.
1047
00:41:10,066 --> 00:41:12,234
I bet your sex life is a
regular heavy-petting zoo.
1048
00:41:12,235 --> 00:41:13,369
You know what?
1049
00:41:13,370 --> 00:41:14,653
You're what we call a two bagger.
1050
00:41:14,654 --> 00:41:16,822
That means I have to wear
a bag on my head
1051
00:41:16,823 --> 00:41:18,924
just in case the one
on yours breaks.
1052
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:21,761
You sure it's not just a size thing?
1053
00:41:21,762 --> 00:41:23,829
'Cause it's gotta be tough
standing at a urinal,
1054
00:41:23,830 --> 00:41:25,798
pissing on your own testicles.
(Chuckles)
1055
00:41:25,799 --> 00:41:28,267
Well, at least I can hide
my shame in my pants.
1056
00:41:28,268 --> 00:41:29,735
What really sucks is having an ass
1057
00:41:29,736 --> 00:41:32,221
the size of a miniature
Mediterranean donkey.
1058
00:41:32,222 --> 00:41:33,856
That-- suck.
1059
00:41:33,857 --> 00:41:36,241
- Don't--
- You think that's too big?
1060
00:41:36,242 --> 00:41:37,693
Think that's too small?
1061
00:41:56,797 --> 00:41:58,714
So you said do nothing,
but I-I did something.
1062
00:41:58,715 --> 00:42:00,782
Totally small. I sent her
a couple hundred bucks
1063
00:42:00,783 --> 00:42:02,351
worth of roses and a kick-ass poem.
1064
00:42:02,352 --> 00:42:03,919
Short. Few stanzas.
No big deal.
1065
00:42:03,920 --> 00:42:05,171
Did she call?
1066
00:42:05,172 --> 00:42:06,622
No. She didn't.
1067
00:42:06,623 --> 00:42:08,840
Dusty, these women, they have a way
1068
00:42:08,841 --> 00:42:10,108
of getting into our head, man.
1069
00:42:10,109 --> 00:42:11,977
I'm gonna give you some
fresh perspective.
1070
00:42:11,978 --> 00:42:13,945
Listen to me, this girl--
I'm getting a hunch.
1071
00:42:13,946 --> 00:42:15,347
She's built for destruction.
1072
00:42:15,348 --> 00:42:16,448
You can't trust her.
1073
00:42:16,449 --> 00:42:18,050
You know who you have
to trust, Dusty?
1074
00:42:18,051 --> 00:42:19,985
Each other.
1075
00:42:19,986 --> 00:42:21,887
Yeah, it's time to let her go.
1076
00:42:21,888 --> 00:42:23,289
Maybe get some--
you know.
1077
00:42:23,290 --> 00:42:26,158
Just let her go, move on.
You know?
1078
00:42:26,159 --> 00:42:27,776
You want me to move on?
1079
00:42:27,777 --> 00:42:29,979
Give up. You want me to give up?
That's your big plan?
1080
00:42:29,980 --> 00:42:31,747
I should just give up?
(Chuckles)
1081
00:42:31,748 --> 00:42:33,583
Well, that doesn't quite
work for me, okay?
1082
00:42:33,584 --> 00:42:34,984
That doesn't quite work for me.
1083
00:42:34,985 --> 00:42:37,119
Look, I'm not some sort of,
uh, misogynist
1084
00:42:37,120 --> 00:42:40,222
that can just swap out women
like they were batteries, okay?
1085
00:42:40,223 --> 00:42:41,456
I love her, Tank.
1086
00:42:41,457 --> 00:42:43,325
I care more about this girl
than I do myself.
1087
00:42:43,326 --> 00:42:45,527
And you will-- you will
never understand that.
1088
00:42:45,528 --> 00:42:46,762
It's new to me.
1089
00:42:46,763 --> 00:42:48,197
She said she wants
to be friends. Heh.
1090
00:42:50,067 --> 00:42:51,067
You know what?
1091
00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:53,669
I'll give her a friend.
1092
00:42:53,670 --> 00:42:55,855
I'll be the best goddamn friend
she ever had.
1093
00:42:55,856 --> 00:42:58,507
♪ (Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers'
"Don't Do Me Like That" playing) ♪
1094
00:43:00,910 --> 00:43:02,878
(Mouthing dialogue)
1095
00:43:12,122 --> 00:43:14,624
♪ I was talking with a friend of mine ♪
1096
00:43:14,625 --> 00:43:16,659
♪ Said a woman had hurt his pride ♪
1097
00:43:16,660 --> 00:43:18,393
♪ Told him that she loved him so ♪
1098
00:43:18,394 --> 00:43:21,047
♪ And turned around, let him go ♪
1099
00:43:21,048 --> 00:43:22,865
♪ Then he said,
"You better watch your step ♪
1100
00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:24,466
♪ "Or you're gonna get hurt yourself ♪
1101
00:43:24,467 --> 00:43:26,618
♪ "Someone's gonna tell you lies..." ♪
1102
00:43:26,619 --> 00:43:27,920
Today was a good day for us.
1103
00:43:27,921 --> 00:43:30,556
- We made some really nice eye contact.
- (Vibrates)
1104
00:43:30,557 --> 00:43:32,758
- Although I couldn't gauge--
- I gotta run.
1105
00:43:32,759 --> 00:43:35,645
♪ What if I love you baby ♪
1106
00:43:35,646 --> 00:43:38,831
♪ Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that ♪
1107
00:43:38,832 --> 00:43:41,183
- ♪ Don't do me like that ♪
- (Laughs)
1108
00:43:41,184 --> 00:43:42,985
♪ Someday I might need you baby ♪
1109
00:43:42,986 --> 00:43:45,954
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
1110
00:43:45,955 --> 00:43:47,406
♪ Listen, honey, can you see ♪
1111
00:43:47,407 --> 00:43:49,207
♪ Baby, you would bury me ♪
1112
00:43:49,208 --> 00:43:51,477
♪ If you were in the public eye ♪
1113
00:43:51,478 --> 00:43:53,112
♪ Givin' someone else a try... ♪
1114
00:43:53,113 --> 00:43:55,063
She's really tough to read.
1115
00:43:55,064 --> 00:43:56,398
Really tough to read.
1116
00:43:56,399 --> 00:43:58,000
I felt like--
1117
00:43:58,001 --> 00:43:59,535
I felt like she was a bit, uh,
1118
00:43:59,536 --> 00:44:01,370
- Distracted today.
- (Cell vibrating)
1119
00:44:01,371 --> 00:44:03,039
You know?
1120
00:44:03,040 --> 00:44:04,873
Totally. Hey, can we do this later?
1121
00:44:04,874 --> 00:44:06,125
Huh? Oh.
1122
00:44:06,126 --> 00:44:08,210
♪ What if I love you baby ♪
1123
00:44:08,211 --> 00:44:10,112
♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
1124
00:44:10,113 --> 00:44:14,116
♪ Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that ♪
1125
00:44:14,117 --> 00:44:16,018
♪ What if I need you baby ♪
1126
00:44:16,019 --> 00:44:17,953
♪ Don't do me like that ♪
1127
00:44:17,954 --> 00:44:20,139
♪ 'Cause somewhere deep down inside ♪
1128
00:44:20,140 --> 00:44:21,840
♪ Someone is sayin' ♪
1129
00:44:21,841 --> 00:44:25,895
♪ Love doesn't last that long ♪
1130
00:44:25,896 --> 00:44:28,180
♪ I got this feelin' inside ♪
1131
00:44:28,181 --> 00:44:29,748
♪ Night and day, and ♪
1132
00:44:29,749 --> 00:44:33,034
♪ And now I can't take it no more ♪
1133
00:44:35,005 --> 00:44:36,288
(Giggles)
1134
00:44:36,289 --> 00:44:38,791
♪ Listen, honey, can you see ♪
1135
00:44:38,792 --> 00:44:40,525
♪ Baby you would bury me ♪
1136
00:44:40,526 --> 00:44:41,827
♪ If you were in the public eye ♪
1137
00:44:41,828 --> 00:44:43,028
(Mouths) It's hot.
1138
00:44:43,029 --> 00:44:44,630
♪ Givin' someone else a try ♪
1139
00:44:44,631 --> 00:44:46,916
♪ And you know you better
watch your step ♪
1140
00:44:46,917 --> 00:44:48,083
♪ Or you're gonna get hurt... ♪
1141
00:44:48,084 --> 00:44:50,268
- Where are you going?
- Uh, just...
1142
00:44:51,371 --> 00:44:53,071
♪ Cut you down to size ♪
1143
00:44:53,072 --> 00:44:56,809
♪ Don't do me like that
Don't do me like that ♪
1144
00:44:56,810 --> 00:45:00,012
♪ Baby, baby, baby ♪
1145
00:45:00,013 --> 00:45:02,114
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
1146
00:45:13,276 --> 00:45:15,444
She's seeing someone.
1147
00:45:17,697 --> 00:45:19,131
Dusty.
1148
00:45:19,132 --> 00:45:20,166
What are you doing?
1149
00:45:20,167 --> 00:45:22,118
You're scaring the shit
out of me.
1150
00:45:22,119 --> 00:45:24,920
Why are you in the dark like
a vampire, you creepy weirdo?
1151
00:45:24,921 --> 00:45:26,805
She's seeing someone.
1152
00:45:27,941 --> 00:45:29,007
We don't go out at night.
1153
00:45:29,008 --> 00:45:31,710
I get her voicemail after 10.
1154
00:45:31,711 --> 00:45:33,846
She's seeing someone.
1155
00:45:33,847 --> 00:45:35,181
And I'm gonna find out who.
1156
00:45:35,182 --> 00:45:36,582
I'm gonna take back "weirdo."
1157
00:45:36,583 --> 00:45:39,018
You're giving off more of
a full-blown, serial-psycho,
1158
00:45:39,019 --> 00:45:41,319
crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros
kind of vibe.
1159
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:42,788
Stop. Intervention time.
1160
00:45:42,789 --> 00:45:44,656
It's time to forget about Alexis--
look at me.
1161
00:45:44,657 --> 00:45:45,858
All right?
1162
00:45:45,859 --> 00:45:47,693
It's time to wipe the cobwebs
off your cock
1163
00:45:47,694 --> 00:45:49,428
and stick something.
1164
00:45:49,429 --> 00:45:50,579
(Chuckles)
1165
00:45:50,580 --> 00:45:52,898
I-- I don't think
she'd be cool with that.
1166
00:45:52,899 --> 00:45:54,700
Dusty, pl-- look at me, please.
1167
00:45:54,701 --> 00:45:56,535
You definitely--
you don't need a permission.
1168
00:45:56,536 --> 00:45:57,819
You need to get laid.
1169
00:45:57,820 --> 00:46:00,956
And if you listen to me, I bet
I could make that happen.
1170
00:46:00,957 --> 00:46:03,742
This the most important thing
any man can do for himself.
1171
00:46:03,743 --> 00:46:04,910
A haircut?
1172
00:46:06,546 --> 00:46:08,347
Yes, Dusty, a haircut.
Look at me.
1173
00:46:08,348 --> 00:46:10,649
You look like Chewbacca
and Sasquatch had a baby,
1174
00:46:10,650 --> 00:46:12,817
and that baby took a shit.
And that shit was blinded
1175
00:46:12,818 --> 00:46:15,020
in a knife fight moments
before styling your hair.
1176
00:46:15,021 --> 00:46:16,605
- Bit harsh.
- Mm-hm.
1177
00:46:16,606 --> 00:46:18,373
Appointment for Dusty, please.
1178
00:46:18,374 --> 00:46:19,641
Grab a seat.
1179
00:46:21,895 --> 00:46:24,763
Great article. I've read that.
Sorry to interrupt.
1180
00:46:24,764 --> 00:46:25,981
Oh.
1181
00:46:25,982 --> 00:46:28,400
My associate here is looking
for a stylist he can trust and
1182
00:46:28,401 --> 00:46:31,736
this place was recommended to us
by a woman in our prayer group.
1183
00:46:31,737 --> 00:46:33,355
Oh.
1184
00:46:33,356 --> 00:46:36,025
Well, is he looking for
something simple or-- ?
1185
00:46:36,026 --> 00:46:37,809
Maybe a "What would Jesus 'do?"
1186
00:46:37,810 --> 00:46:39,577
(Both laughing)
1187
00:46:42,315 --> 00:46:43,348
I'm Hilary.
1188
00:46:43,349 --> 00:46:44,783
Hilary, my name is Tank.
1189
00:46:44,784 --> 00:46:45,618
This is Dustin.
1190
00:46:45,619 --> 00:46:47,335
Hi.
1191
00:46:49,038 --> 00:46:52,390
So I've got an $85 haircut
so you could have a meet-cute?
1192
00:46:52,391 --> 00:46:54,560
Oh, it's 110.
Worth every penny.
1193
00:46:54,561 --> 00:46:56,462
In return, I'm gonna
get you a date with--
1194
00:46:56,463 --> 00:46:58,430
Let's just call her
a confidence booster.
1195
00:46:58,431 --> 00:47:00,231
A slow, fat one down the middle.
1196
00:47:00,232 --> 00:47:01,851
I hope that's a baseball metaphor.
1197
00:47:01,852 --> 00:47:03,619
This pitch is in your wheelhouse.
1198
00:47:03,620 --> 00:47:05,571
Grand slam, upper deck, game over.
1199
00:47:05,572 --> 00:47:06,722
Hey, beauty queen.
1200
00:47:06,723 --> 00:47:08,456
Hey, I have a question, I'm sorry.
1201
00:47:08,457 --> 00:47:09,725
I've got these little, um--
1202
00:47:09,726 --> 00:47:11,477
- Is there any way you could-- ?
- Yeah.
1203
00:47:11,478 --> 00:47:12,161
Uh-huh.
1204
00:47:13,563 --> 00:47:15,331
- Shit. Ow.
- I'm sorry.
1205
00:47:15,332 --> 00:47:17,532
No, I'm sorry. Sorry. Ah.
1206
00:47:17,533 --> 00:47:19,501
Ah, is there maybe
any other way we could--
1207
00:47:19,502 --> 00:47:20,769
Yeah. Okay.
1208
00:47:21,438 --> 00:47:22,521
Guess what?
1209
00:47:22,522 --> 00:47:23,889
We're all set for tonight.
1210
00:47:25,057 --> 00:47:26,174
Okay, hold still.
1211
00:47:26,175 --> 00:47:28,076
(Electric razor buzzing)
1212
00:47:28,077 --> 00:47:31,346
Hey, what about, like, um,
frosting my tips?
1213
00:47:31,347 --> 00:47:32,548
What are you, a Mini-Wheat?
1214
00:47:32,549 --> 00:47:34,215
Listen, this girl's not Alexis, okay?
1215
00:47:34,216 --> 00:47:36,384
She's got a bed built for sex,
not stuffed animals.
1216
00:47:36,385 --> 00:47:37,853
Wait, what?
1217
00:47:37,854 --> 00:47:40,489
How do you know that Alexis has
stuffed animals on her bed?
1218
00:47:40,490 --> 00:47:41,590
Oh.
1219
00:47:49,816 --> 00:47:50,816
Oh, my God.
1220
00:47:50,817 --> 00:47:51,817
- Wait.
- Oh, my.
1221
00:47:51,818 --> 00:47:54,386
- Fuck.
- Oh, my Go--
1222
00:47:54,387 --> 00:47:55,988
This stuff happens in salons, Dusty.
1223
00:47:55,989 --> 00:47:57,155
Sometimes, it's fixable, right?
1224
00:47:57,156 --> 00:47:58,456
Please tell him it's fixable.
1225
00:47:58,457 --> 00:47:59,591
I'm gonna throw up.
1226
00:47:59,592 --> 00:48:01,393
Makeup, little shading,
maybe some glue.
1227
00:48:01,394 --> 00:48:02,961
How about a goddamn eyebrow toupee?
1228
00:48:02,962 --> 00:48:05,463
- Where's my eyebrow?
- I don't know what to say.
1229
00:48:05,464 --> 00:48:08,367
Oh, God. Kill me, kill me, kill me.
Where's my eyebrow!?
1230
00:48:08,368 --> 00:48:09,568
That's a new look.
1231
00:48:09,569 --> 00:48:10,735
You can fix it, right?
1232
00:48:10,736 --> 00:48:12,804
Oh, sure, I'll just pop
into my Delorean.
1233
00:48:12,805 --> 00:48:14,573
- It's in the back.
- Don't be such a bitch.
1234
00:48:14,574 --> 00:48:15,674
You're the bitch, bitch.
1235
00:48:15,675 --> 00:48:17,776
Hey, gossip girls.
Focus on my friend.
1236
00:48:17,777 --> 00:48:20,445
- He's follically deformed.
- Fuck my fucking mother!
1237
00:48:20,446 --> 00:48:22,014
Let's come up with this--
1238
00:48:22,015 --> 00:48:24,149
Dusty, unless one's missing,
nobody's gonna notice.
1239
00:48:24,150 --> 00:48:26,251
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God.
1240
00:48:26,252 --> 00:48:27,252
Come here, sit down.
1241
00:48:27,253 --> 00:48:28,887
- Give me that.
- Yup. Yeah, yeah.
1242
00:48:30,189 --> 00:48:31,323
You gotta be brave, man.
1243
00:48:31,324 --> 00:48:33,291
What?
1244
00:48:33,292 --> 00:48:35,661
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
1245
00:48:35,662 --> 00:48:36,862
- Come on.
- Do it. It's good.
1246
00:48:36,863 --> 00:48:38,530
Come on, it's gonna--
1247
00:48:38,531 --> 00:48:39,898
- It's gonna look great.
- Mm-hm.
1248
00:48:39,899 --> 00:48:41,567
- (Razor buzzing)
- Oh, my God.
1249
00:48:41,568 --> 00:48:43,569
It's gonna be really hot.
1250
00:48:44,771 --> 00:48:46,522
- Better be hot.
- Yeah.
1251
00:48:49,709 --> 00:48:51,793
Fuck. Oh.
1252
00:48:51,794 --> 00:48:53,829
Bad. Bad times.
1253
00:48:53,830 --> 00:48:54,796
Ooh.
1254
00:48:56,532 --> 00:48:58,667
Oh, my fucking shit!
1255
00:49:00,286 --> 00:49:01,553
Woman: Coming.
1256
00:49:01,554 --> 00:49:02,487
(Clears throat)
1257
00:49:04,624 --> 00:49:07,226
Oh. Those are lovely.
1258
00:49:07,227 --> 00:49:12,014
And I see you've got
a hairstyle change.
1259
00:49:12,015 --> 00:49:12,848
True.
1260
00:49:12,849 --> 00:49:15,800
Claire! He's here!
1261
00:49:15,801 --> 00:49:17,636
Come on in. She'll be right out.
1262
00:49:17,637 --> 00:49:21,390
Oh, um-- I'm sorry,
I was, uh--
1263
00:49:21,391 --> 00:49:23,592
I was under the impression
that we-- um--
1264
00:49:23,593 --> 00:49:24,660
Who? Us?
1265
00:49:24,661 --> 00:49:27,278
No. Tank said you needed a lay-up.
1266
00:49:28,581 --> 00:49:30,032
Are you calling me a lay-up?
1267
00:49:30,033 --> 00:49:32,851
Huh? No, uh-uh.
God, no. Uh-heh. No.
1268
00:49:35,005 --> 00:49:38,841
Ha-ha. They told me
you were taller.
1269
00:49:38,842 --> 00:49:40,009
Uh...
1270
00:49:40,010 --> 00:49:41,043
Just for peace of mind,
1271
00:49:41,044 --> 00:49:42,477
the father of this child is...?
1272
00:49:42,478 --> 00:49:43,945
In the middle of a brutal divorce
1273
00:49:43,946 --> 00:49:46,265
with the mother of this child.
1274
00:49:46,266 --> 00:49:47,549
Cool. Ha-ha.
1275
00:49:47,550 --> 00:49:49,718
I mean not cool.
That's not cool, but--
1276
00:49:49,719 --> 00:49:51,186
- Ha.
- Here you go.
1277
00:49:51,187 --> 00:49:52,520
Ah-- lilies.
1278
00:49:52,521 --> 00:49:54,139
Uh, thoughtful. Heh.
1279
00:49:54,140 --> 00:49:55,391
(Chuckles)
1280
00:49:55,392 --> 00:49:57,476
- Oh.
- Whoops.
1281
00:49:57,477 --> 00:50:00,445
- Sorry.
- I don't wanna give 'em up.
1282
00:50:00,446 --> 00:50:01,647
I told you.
1283
00:50:01,648 --> 00:50:04,366
My friend said he was
one of the good guys.
1284
00:50:04,367 --> 00:50:06,818
I don't know if I would say
I'm one of the--
1285
00:50:06,819 --> 00:50:10,055
I-- I've been known to be, uh,
a bit of a dog sometimes.
1286
00:50:10,056 --> 00:50:11,623
(Girls laughing)
1287
00:50:11,624 --> 00:50:15,643
How cute. He's trying
to convince himself.
1288
00:50:15,644 --> 00:50:18,547
Oh, no, you're a sweetheart.
And that's okay.
1289
00:50:18,548 --> 00:50:20,382
I mean, um, Claire needs
someone like you
1290
00:50:20,383 --> 00:50:22,451
after the mess that
she's been through.
1291
00:50:22,452 --> 00:50:24,986
Someone nice.
1292
00:50:24,987 --> 00:50:26,721
Nice is...
1293
00:50:26,722 --> 00:50:28,523
Nice.
1294
00:50:28,524 --> 00:50:30,392
- Should I take those?
- Oh. Yes.
1295
00:50:30,393 --> 00:50:31,609
(Baby crying)
1296
00:50:31,610 --> 00:50:33,745
I'm sorry. Sitter's running a bit late.
1297
00:50:33,746 --> 00:50:36,231
Can I get you something to drink, cutie?
1298
00:50:37,099 --> 00:50:38,533
Uh.
1299
00:50:40,019 --> 00:50:41,986
Uh, yeah, actually.
As a matter of fact, yeah.
1300
00:50:41,987 --> 00:50:44,055
- Okay.
- You can, ha.
1301
00:50:44,056 --> 00:50:45,089
(Clears throat)
1302
00:50:46,292 --> 00:50:48,327
I'll have what he's having.
1303
00:50:48,328 --> 00:50:50,245
- What the fuck?!
- What?
1304
00:50:50,246 --> 00:50:52,664
- What just happened?
- He just said he wants--
1305
00:50:52,665 --> 00:50:53,849
- I-I j-just--
- I said--
1306
00:50:53,850 --> 00:50:55,800
He looked at Liam,
licked his lips and said,
1307
00:50:55,801 --> 00:50:58,620
- "I'll have what he's having."
- Okay, but what I meant--
1308
00:50:58,621 --> 00:51:00,122
- What does that even mean?
- Yeah, what does that even mean?
1309
00:51:00,123 --> 00:51:01,490
Okay, I'll ex-- let me explain.
1310
00:51:01,491 --> 00:51:03,658
- You want me to lactate for you?
- Ew, no.
1311
00:51:03,659 --> 00:51:06,895
You want my big, life-giving,
mothering, nurturing breast
1312
00:51:06,896 --> 00:51:09,098
in your filthy mouth?
1313
00:51:09,099 --> 00:51:11,049
What's wrong with you?!
There's a child here.
1314
00:51:11,050 --> 00:51:12,951
- She's got a child.
- I know, I see the child.
1315
00:51:12,952 --> 00:51:14,252
A child.
1316
00:51:14,253 --> 00:51:15,219
It is a child. I-I was just--
1317
00:51:15,220 --> 00:51:16,772
You want to breast-feed.
1318
00:51:16,773 --> 00:51:19,057
- What!?
- That's what this is.
1319
00:51:19,058 --> 00:51:21,459
You're some fetishistic monster
1320
00:51:21,460 --> 00:51:23,312
who preys on women.
1321
00:51:23,313 --> 00:51:24,613
Okay. I was just thinking--
1322
00:51:24,614 --> 00:51:26,498
You're disgusting.
1323
00:51:26,499 --> 00:51:31,453
I was gonna throw myself
at you, and you-- you...
1324
00:51:31,454 --> 00:51:32,704
I was just joking--
1325
00:51:32,705 --> 00:51:33,905
- Can we just start over?
- Hi.
1326
00:51:33,906 --> 00:51:35,674
- I just want to start--
- sorry, Laney.
1327
00:51:35,675 --> 00:51:38,209
We don't need a sitter tonight.
1328
00:51:38,210 --> 00:51:41,446
Groucho here made a mark
about suckling at my teat
1329
00:51:41,447 --> 00:51:42,864
and stealing my baby's milk,
1330
00:51:42,865 --> 00:51:45,367
and is consequently leaving.
1331
00:51:45,368 --> 00:51:47,202
- Okay.
- Get the fuck out!
1332
00:51:47,203 --> 00:51:48,570
Okay, I'm really sorry.
1333
00:51:48,571 --> 00:51:50,839
- No, no more. Just get out.
- I'm just-- I'm sorry.
1334
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:52,340
- I'm really sorry.
- Go, go.
1335
00:51:52,341 --> 00:51:54,776
(Weeping)
1336
00:51:54,777 --> 00:51:56,144
Come here.
1337
00:51:59,015 --> 00:52:00,999
Ha-ha. Whoa.
1338
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:06,304
You got shot down, ha-ha.
In a blaze of glory, heh.
1339
00:52:07,540 --> 00:52:09,674
You cost me a job, man.
1340
00:52:09,675 --> 00:52:12,243
I'm sorry. Um, let me
make it up to you.
1341
00:52:12,244 --> 00:52:13,244
How much, um...?
1342
00:52:13,245 --> 00:52:16,114
Oh, uh, forty.
Fifty if it's past 11.
1343
00:52:16,115 --> 00:52:18,917
Okay, here's, uh--
here's 60 for your trouble.
1344
00:52:18,918 --> 00:52:20,118
I'm really sorry.
1345
00:52:20,119 --> 00:52:21,887
Sweet. Heh.
1346
00:52:21,888 --> 00:52:22,987
Hey, for another 60,
1347
00:52:22,988 --> 00:52:25,557
I'll jerk you off in
the parking garage.
1348
00:52:26,826 --> 00:52:29,628
Jesus. Do I really look that desperate?
1349
00:52:34,233 --> 00:52:37,702
There's no milk, but I'll let you
suck tit for five bucks a minute.
1350
00:52:39,271 --> 00:52:40,572
(Elevator dings)
1351
00:52:41,741 --> 00:52:44,876
- Excuse me.
- Mm.
1352
00:52:44,877 --> 00:52:45,894
Heh.
1353
00:52:45,895 --> 00:52:48,563
♪ (Rock music playing) ♪
1354
00:53:06,916 --> 00:53:10,218
♪ If love lasts forever ♪
1355
00:53:10,219 --> 00:53:12,370
♪ Why can't forgiveness too... ♪
1356
00:53:12,371 --> 00:53:13,755
Alexis!
1357
00:53:14,524 --> 00:53:16,324
Alexis!
1358
00:53:17,493 --> 00:53:19,394
Alexis, I love you!
1359
00:53:19,395 --> 00:53:24,132
I love you, Alexis!
I can't just be friends, okay?
1360
00:53:24,133 --> 00:53:26,852
Alexis, come to--
Come to the door!
1361
00:53:26,853 --> 00:53:28,704
(Knocking on door)
1362
00:53:28,705 --> 00:53:29,604
Hold on.
1363
00:53:31,674 --> 00:53:32,641
- Ha-ha. Dobler.
- Hey, hey.
1364
00:53:32,642 --> 00:53:34,192
Hi, there. I'm so sorry.
1365
00:53:34,193 --> 00:53:36,962
Your BFF's upstairs with another guy.
1366
00:53:36,963 --> 00:53:39,698
Holy shit. What is going on
with your eyebrows?
1367
00:53:39,699 --> 00:53:42,084
- Seriously, I think there's---
- wait, I'm sorry.
1368
00:53:42,085 --> 00:53:43,685
She's got a-- a-a-a--
a guy up there?
1369
00:53:43,686 --> 00:53:45,537
But they're just hanging out, right?
1370
00:53:45,538 --> 00:53:46,638
Wait, is she seeing this guy?
1371
00:53:46,639 --> 00:53:48,924
No, no, no. No, no.
Just an occasional bang.
1372
00:53:48,925 --> 00:53:49,875
No. No, God, no.
1373
00:53:49,876 --> 00:53:51,476
How many times have they gone out?
1374
00:53:51,477 --> 00:53:53,295
How many times have they? Not--
1375
00:53:53,296 --> 00:53:54,796
They don't go out. Ever.
1376
00:53:54,797 --> 00:53:58,050
No. He just comes over, and he
bangs, and then he leaves.
1377
00:53:58,051 --> 00:53:59,784
- What?
- You know, she's doing
1378
00:53:59,785 --> 00:54:01,270
this all for you. Think about it.
1379
00:54:01,271 --> 00:54:03,788
She's up there with her knees
by her ears, getting railed,
1380
00:54:03,789 --> 00:54:07,142
so one day she can settle down
with a nice boy like yourself.
1381
00:54:07,143 --> 00:54:08,810
- But, I love her. I love her.
- Dustin.
1382
00:54:08,811 --> 00:54:10,328
- You'd better be ready.
- Oh.
1383
00:54:10,329 --> 00:54:12,030
- I'm serious.
- Dustin: Alexis.
1384
00:54:12,031 --> 00:54:13,631
Alexis. Ale--
1385
00:54:17,587 --> 00:54:20,138
Dustin. What are you doing here?
1386
00:54:21,074 --> 00:54:22,541
What is he doing here?
1387
00:54:22,542 --> 00:54:23,875
Well, this is my--
1388
00:54:23,876 --> 00:54:25,043
It's Tank.
1389
00:54:27,880 --> 00:54:29,247
This is the guy you're with?
1390
00:54:29,248 --> 00:54:30,281
No, I'm not with anyone.
1391
00:54:30,282 --> 00:54:32,517
I'm not--
we're not together.
1392
00:54:32,518 --> 00:54:35,520
I mean, no offense, Tank,
but we're not....
1393
00:54:35,521 --> 00:54:38,323
I told you. I told you that
I was gonna get out there
1394
00:54:38,324 --> 00:54:41,326
And I was gonna see other people,
and I was gonna date,
1395
00:54:41,327 --> 00:54:43,461
and kind of get some
experience under my belt,
1396
00:54:43,462 --> 00:54:45,964
and live my life just a little bit.
For once in my life,
1397
00:54:45,965 --> 00:54:49,300
do something like that. And that's
exactly what I'm doing.
1398
00:54:52,921 --> 00:54:53,989
Should I go?
1399
00:54:53,990 --> 00:54:55,357
Yes.
1400
00:54:55,358 --> 00:54:56,875
- I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no.
1401
00:54:56,876 --> 00:54:58,694
- Yeah. No, it's-- yeah--
- Tank.
1402
00:54:58,695 --> 00:55:00,828
- You know what? I'll go.
- No, you don't go. You stay.
1403
00:55:00,829 --> 00:55:02,730
No, really, I should get going.
I have a big day tomorrow.
1404
00:55:02,731 --> 00:55:04,449
My roommate's moving out.
1405
00:55:04,450 --> 00:55:06,251
- I have some shit to do too.
- Really?
1406
00:55:06,252 --> 00:55:07,652
- Bye.
- Both: I'll call you later.
1407
00:55:08,921 --> 00:55:10,572
- No, after you.
- You got her.
1408
00:55:10,573 --> 00:55:12,574
- No, please, I insist.
- You go first.
1409
00:55:12,575 --> 00:55:14,142
All right, fine.
1410
00:55:17,880 --> 00:55:20,415
- How could I trust you?
- I don't know.
1411
00:55:20,416 --> 00:55:21,983
Hey, I wasn't kidding.
1412
00:55:21,984 --> 00:55:23,552
You're out by tomorrow morning.
1413
00:55:26,506 --> 00:55:28,122
Dusty.
1414
00:55:38,367 --> 00:55:39,568
I thought so.
1415
00:55:45,908 --> 00:55:48,760
So we remember the words
of Betty Friedan.
1416
00:55:48,761 --> 00:55:52,864
A woman has got to be able
to say, and not feel guilty,
1417
00:55:54,333 --> 00:55:56,635
"who am I?
1418
00:55:56,636 --> 00:56:00,422
And what do I want out of life?"
1419
00:56:00,423 --> 00:56:02,691
That's why my Women's Studies Program
1420
00:56:02,692 --> 00:56:04,275
Will be focused on the liberation,
1421
00:56:04,276 --> 00:56:05,877
celebration...
1422
00:56:05,878 --> 00:56:07,945
and exploration...
1423
00:56:11,350 --> 00:56:13,000
of you.
1424
00:56:16,773 --> 00:56:17,972
And you.
1425
00:56:20,409 --> 00:56:21,976
And you.
1426
00:56:24,346 --> 00:56:28,183
Enjoy your weekend, and please
try to do so responsibly.
1427
00:56:28,184 --> 00:56:30,551
(Indistinct chatter)
1428
00:56:31,203 --> 00:56:33,354
The man is Oprah.
1429
00:56:37,877 --> 00:56:39,094
Professor: Um...
1430
00:56:39,095 --> 00:56:42,213
Would you all excuse me for
just one second, please?
1431
00:56:43,683 --> 00:56:45,383
(Chuckling)
1432
00:56:46,786 --> 00:56:49,054
- Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.
- Hey, dad.
1433
00:56:49,055 --> 00:56:50,972
If there's anything else
I can get for you,
1434
00:56:50,973 --> 00:56:53,308
I'm always available, professor.
1435
00:56:53,309 --> 00:56:54,559
One of my teaching assistants,
1436
00:56:54,560 --> 00:56:56,861
and a very, very hardworking young woman.
1437
00:57:00,966 --> 00:57:02,784
(Door opens, closes)
1438
00:57:02,785 --> 00:57:07,455
(Whispering) Last night, I fucked her
within an inch of her life.
1439
00:57:07,456 --> 00:57:10,424
True story. I'm jamming her head
through the headboard.
1440
00:57:10,425 --> 00:57:12,961
I flip her over, she screams,
"Give me a choker."
1441
00:57:12,962 --> 00:57:14,529
I play the choirboy.
"what's that?"
1442
00:57:14,530 --> 00:57:16,131
Star wipe to five minutes later,
1443
00:57:16,132 --> 00:57:18,967
She's bucking like an epileptic
at a strobe light convention.
1444
00:57:18,968 --> 00:57:20,468
Now I'm getting scared.
1445
00:57:20,469 --> 00:57:23,404
And as I'm working out the 911 phone call
in my head, she goes,
1446
00:57:23,405 --> 00:57:25,339
(Mimicking air escaping)
1447
00:57:27,643 --> 00:57:28,926
(Normal voice) Like an air bag.
1448
00:57:32,081 --> 00:57:33,648
Now, that's a Tuesday night.
1449
00:57:33,649 --> 00:57:35,299
You got a good gig, dad.
1450
00:57:36,702 --> 00:57:37,902
How you doing, son?
1451
00:57:39,905 --> 00:57:41,273
Dusty kicked me out.
1452
00:57:41,274 --> 00:57:43,474
In all fairness, I was
accidentally sleeping
1453
00:57:43,475 --> 00:57:46,428
with his pseudo-girlfriend,
but, um...
1454
00:57:46,429 --> 00:57:47,595
I feel like shit.
1455
00:57:47,596 --> 00:57:49,780
Son, let me tell you a story.
1456
00:57:49,781 --> 00:57:51,682
December, 1977,
1457
00:57:51,683 --> 00:57:52,934
your mother, God rest her soul,
1458
00:57:52,935 --> 00:57:54,536
throws one of her infamous
1459
00:57:54,537 --> 00:57:57,105
pot potlucks, and I find myself
sozzled in the boathouse
1460
00:57:57,106 --> 00:57:59,007
with your Aunt Francie.
1461
00:57:59,008 --> 00:58:01,610
Now, today, some might
consider her to be zaftig,
1462
00:58:01,611 --> 00:58:04,746
but back then, she could
really hang a sundress.
1463
00:58:04,747 --> 00:58:07,698
How I yearned for her.
1464
00:58:07,699 --> 00:58:09,217
But I refrained...
1465
00:58:09,218 --> 00:58:10,886
Because it was your mother's sister.
1466
00:58:10,887 --> 00:58:12,170
I get it. I fucked up.
1467
00:58:12,171 --> 00:58:13,555
No.
1468
00:58:13,556 --> 00:58:15,507
No. The point is,
is that two days later,
1469
00:58:15,508 --> 00:58:18,376
I banged the shit out of her
in the back of a Bonneville
1470
00:58:18,377 --> 00:58:21,095
while your mother filled
my prescription.
1471
00:58:22,732 --> 00:58:24,666
Best Pontiac sex I've ever had.
1472
00:58:26,418 --> 00:58:28,620
Okay, so you approve?
1473
00:58:28,621 --> 00:58:30,438
(Chuckles)
1474
00:58:30,439 --> 00:58:31,906
Guilt is just one more thing
1475
00:58:31,907 --> 00:58:34,943
trying to asphyxiate us during sex.
1476
00:58:34,944 --> 00:58:36,578
You cheat, you feel bad,
you watch TV,
1477
00:58:36,579 --> 00:58:37,912
you feel better... (Clicks)
1478
00:58:37,913 --> 00:58:39,096
You cheat again.
1479
00:58:40,816 --> 00:58:42,083
(Door closes)
1480
00:58:45,021 --> 00:58:46,270
(Mouths words)
1481
00:58:47,356 --> 00:58:48,656
All right, dad, you know what?
1482
00:58:48,657 --> 00:58:50,058
This girl's different.
1483
00:58:50,059 --> 00:58:52,994
All right? She's smart, she's cool.
She's tough.
1484
00:58:52,995 --> 00:58:54,528
She's a 10.
1485
00:58:55,748 --> 00:58:57,548
Ms. Barber, I must apologize
for my son's
1486
00:58:57,549 --> 00:58:59,917
antiquated phraseology.
1487
00:58:59,918 --> 00:59:02,020
Out of desperation, he continues
to assess women
1488
00:59:02,021 --> 00:59:04,889
a base-10 value number
predicated solely
1489
00:59:04,890 --> 00:59:06,557
on their physical countenance.
1490
00:59:06,558 --> 00:59:08,743
That's, uh...
1491
00:59:08,744 --> 00:59:11,529
- That's wrong, Sherman.
- Ms. Barber: No problem.
1492
00:59:17,886 --> 00:59:19,554
Yee-haw!
1493
00:59:19,555 --> 00:59:20,855
(Humming)
1494
00:59:22,924 --> 00:59:24,392
Get that dogie.
1495
00:59:24,393 --> 00:59:25,560
(Laughs)
1496
00:59:25,561 --> 00:59:26,961
Okay.
1497
00:59:26,962 --> 00:59:28,563
(Mimicking searing sound)
1498
00:59:28,564 --> 00:59:30,298
I moved away from the numbers
a long time ago.
1499
00:59:30,299 --> 00:59:32,066
Since you rarely find a 10
outside of L.A.
1500
00:59:32,067 --> 00:59:33,635
And that's ass-up in polyurethane.
1501
00:59:33,636 --> 00:59:35,703
You're really talking about
a one through nine.
1502
00:59:35,704 --> 00:59:36,771
It was too constricting.
1503
00:59:36,772 --> 00:59:38,205
I'm all about the letters now.
1504
00:59:38,206 --> 00:59:39,307
(Gasps)
1505
00:59:39,308 --> 00:59:40,658
J.
1506
00:59:40,659 --> 00:59:42,143
(Sniffs)
1507
00:59:42,144 --> 00:59:44,278
She smells like a J.
1508
00:59:44,279 --> 00:59:45,981
E over there in the booth.
Ooh, ooh.
1509
00:59:45,982 --> 00:59:49,834
Uh, an E is a, uh--
is a 22 on a scale of 26.
1510
00:59:49,835 --> 00:59:51,436
It gets easier with practice.
1511
00:59:51,437 --> 00:59:52,387
(Inhales)
1512
00:59:53,605 --> 00:59:54,572
S.
1513
00:59:54,573 --> 00:59:57,242
Crop top over here.
She would be an F?
1514
00:59:57,243 --> 01:00:00,061
Nah, bad skin. She's a G, maybe
an H, without the war paint.
1515
01:00:00,062 --> 01:00:01,595
But, uh, that cougar over there,
1516
01:00:01,596 --> 01:00:03,948
Bo Derek, with the blue wrap,
1517
01:00:03,949 --> 01:00:05,717
- she's a solid L.
- Tank: Okay, wait a second.
1518
01:00:05,718 --> 01:00:08,086
That woman is 62,
that wrap is a shawl,
1519
01:00:08,087 --> 01:00:09,504
that L is a Y.
1520
01:00:09,505 --> 01:00:11,005
And there's a reason
they call them Y's.
1521
01:00:11,006 --> 01:00:13,140
- Come on.
- Check it.
1522
01:00:13,141 --> 01:00:15,209
Wow, good call, Sherm.
Good call.
1523
01:00:16,278 --> 01:00:18,413
- I've gotta get that lasik.
- Hm.
1524
01:00:18,414 --> 01:00:20,648
So, uh, you gonna wing me or what?
1525
01:00:20,649 --> 01:00:22,417
(Sighs) What's the game plan?
1526
01:00:22,418 --> 01:00:23,484
Well, being an educator,
1527
01:00:23,485 --> 01:00:25,052
I like to stick to
the school grades...
1528
01:00:25,053 --> 01:00:26,120
A, B, C and D.
1529
01:00:26,121 --> 01:00:27,822
You, on the other hand, should...
1530
01:00:27,823 --> 01:00:30,458
stay with the back 13,
thin out the herd.
1531
01:00:30,459 --> 01:00:32,627
Thanks, dad. I'm off the
market right now.
1532
01:00:32,628 --> 01:00:35,396
I told you about this girl.
You know, she-- uh...
1533
01:00:35,397 --> 01:00:36,964
The other night we're making love,
1534
01:00:36,965 --> 01:00:38,265
and, uh, we're just
1535
01:00:38,266 --> 01:00:39,900
laying there afterwards, and--
1536
01:00:39,901 --> 01:00:41,268
- Sharing the silence?
- Yeah.
1537
01:00:41,269 --> 01:00:42,570
(Chuckles)
1538
01:00:42,571 --> 01:00:45,039
- What the fuck is wrong with you?
- What?
1539
01:00:45,040 --> 01:00:47,408
"Making love?"
What are you, Nora Ephron?
1540
01:00:47,409 --> 01:00:48,810
Is this some Redbook interview?
1541
01:00:48,811 --> 01:00:51,412
You sound like Liberace’s
stylist's boyfriend.
1542
01:00:51,413 --> 01:00:54,515
"Let's just enjoy the silences
and the caprice together."
1543
01:00:54,516 --> 01:00:57,318
- I have no son. I have no son.
- Dad. I dig this girl.
1544
01:00:57,319 --> 01:00:59,304
Good, keep talking.
And while you're talking,
1545
01:00:59,305 --> 01:01:01,673
there are cougars on my right
who are clocking us.
1546
01:01:01,674 --> 01:01:03,725
- In real time.
- Can you just listen?
1547
01:01:03,726 --> 01:01:05,076
As soon as you put on
your safari hat
1548
01:01:05,077 --> 01:01:06,211
and grab your gun.
1549
01:01:06,212 --> 01:01:08,012
Dad, can you just stay here
with me, please?
1550
01:01:09,081 --> 01:01:10,281
Of course I can, son.
1551
01:01:10,282 --> 01:01:12,567
Since you just fucked my chances
with the "dad" play.
1552
01:01:12,568 --> 01:01:13,651
Thanks for projecting.
1553
01:01:13,652 --> 01:01:15,620
Not to mention the
gay-grip-caress maneuver
1554
01:01:15,621 --> 01:01:17,088
for the hearing-impaired.
1555
01:01:17,089 --> 01:01:19,624
Can't you just be my dad
for five fucking seconds?
1556
01:01:19,625 --> 01:01:21,993
Oh, I'm sorry. You want the
real father-son bullshit.
1557
01:01:21,994 --> 01:01:23,861
Right this way.
1558
01:01:23,862 --> 01:01:25,596
That girl was dating Dusty,
1559
01:01:25,597 --> 01:01:27,465
which means she's out of your league.
1560
01:01:27,466 --> 01:01:28,983
She was slumming it, Sherman.
1561
01:01:30,419 --> 01:01:32,337
"Now, the truth may set you free,
1562
01:01:32,338 --> 01:01:34,288
but first it's gonna piss you off."
1563
01:01:34,289 --> 01:01:36,007
Gloria Steinem said that.
1564
01:01:36,008 --> 01:01:37,274
(Cell phone vibrates)
1565
01:01:41,897 --> 01:01:43,481
My son, the booty call.
1566
01:01:44,883 --> 01:01:46,784
Thanks for the advice...
1567
01:01:46,785 --> 01:01:48,937
Professor.
1568
01:01:51,240 --> 01:01:52,540
(Tank grunting softly)
1569
01:01:56,645 --> 01:01:58,279
Oh. Shit.
1570
01:01:59,848 --> 01:02:01,282
(Chuckles)
1571
01:02:02,618 --> 01:02:04,051
(Alexis moans)
1572
01:02:07,189 --> 01:02:08,623
(Tank sighs)
1573
01:02:12,661 --> 01:02:14,095
(Sighs)
1574
01:02:15,030 --> 01:02:16,397
(Whispers) That was insane.
1575
01:02:16,398 --> 01:02:18,099
(Chuckles)
1576
01:02:18,100 --> 01:02:19,534
(Sighs)
1577
01:02:22,204 --> 01:02:24,005
(Normal voice)
It was insane, right?
1578
01:02:25,374 --> 01:02:26,374
(Sniffles)
1579
01:02:28,611 --> 01:02:29,844
It was...
1580
01:02:31,029 --> 01:02:32,530
(Sighs)
1581
01:02:33,799 --> 01:02:35,466
Hey, yeah, can I have some of that?
1582
01:02:36,818 --> 01:02:38,336
(Sighs)
1583
01:02:42,741 --> 01:02:44,626
Who's that guy?
1584
01:02:44,627 --> 01:02:45,493
Alexis: That's Greg.
1585
01:02:45,494 --> 01:02:46,661
He's an old friend.
1586
01:02:48,213 --> 01:02:49,347
(Sighs)
1587
01:02:49,348 --> 01:02:50,715
Why?
1588
01:02:52,484 --> 01:02:53,751
Just I'm seeing, you know,
1589
01:02:53,752 --> 01:02:56,754
his arm's a little low on your hip.
1590
01:02:56,755 --> 01:02:59,590
One of his hands,
almost near your ass.
1591
01:02:59,591 --> 01:03:02,660
You know, for a friend.
1592
01:03:02,661 --> 01:03:05,129
- Did you guys ever hook up?
- (Giggles)
1593
01:03:05,130 --> 01:03:07,798
- Really?
- You're not serious, are you?
1594
01:03:09,368 --> 01:03:13,104
No. No, I'm not serious at all.
1595
01:03:13,105 --> 01:03:15,122
I mean, you're in a picture with him.
1596
01:03:15,123 --> 01:03:16,757
Oh, my God, you're serious.
1597
01:03:16,758 --> 01:03:17,725
Wait, w--
1598
01:03:18,994 --> 01:03:20,361
Why don't we have a picture?
1599
01:03:22,498 --> 01:03:24,866
I... I don't know.
1600
01:03:24,867 --> 01:03:26,133
(Groans) Um...
1601
01:03:26,134 --> 01:03:27,635
- I can fix that.
- No, no, no, no, no.
1602
01:03:27,636 --> 01:03:28,769
That's easy.
1603
01:03:28,770 --> 01:03:30,471
No, no. I'm naked.
I don't want-- just--
1604
01:03:30,472 --> 01:03:32,072
Yeah. I know. I want that.
1605
01:03:32,073 --> 01:03:33,941
- Come here. You're pushing me.
- Tank. Tank. Tank. Tank. Tank.
1606
01:03:33,942 --> 01:03:35,676
- I'm out of the bed.
- I'm serious.
1607
01:03:35,677 --> 01:03:36,677
Okay.
1608
01:03:36,678 --> 01:03:38,046
That hurt.
1609
01:03:38,047 --> 01:03:40,214
- I'm tired.
- That really hurt.
1610
01:03:40,215 --> 01:03:41,382
(Groans)
1611
01:03:42,434 --> 01:03:44,001
(Clicks)
1612
01:03:44,002 --> 01:03:45,837
- (Closes phone)
- (Both sigh)
1613
01:03:45,838 --> 01:03:47,972
Stupid idea. It's late.
1614
01:03:53,011 --> 01:03:54,244
(Sighs)
1615
01:03:56,482 --> 01:03:58,349
I gotta work tomorrow.
1616
01:03:59,852 --> 01:04:01,352
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.
1617
01:04:01,353 --> 01:04:02,787
(Groans)
1618
01:04:04,823 --> 01:04:06,256
(Sighs)
1619
01:04:07,726 --> 01:04:10,962
You don't want me to stay tonight.
1620
01:04:10,963 --> 01:04:12,062
W-w--
1621
01:04:12,063 --> 01:04:15,833
- I just sort of feel like it's--
- Yeah.
1622
01:04:15,834 --> 01:04:16,801
Nah.
1623
01:04:16,802 --> 01:04:18,269
Ah. Totally understandable.
1624
01:04:18,270 --> 01:04:20,255
♪ (Teddy Thompson's
"Separate Ways" playing) ♪
1625
01:04:20,256 --> 01:04:22,457
Yeah.
1626
01:04:36,338 --> 01:04:43,044
♪ Come rollin' into town unaware ♪
1627
01:04:45,180 --> 01:04:50,384
♪ Of the power that you have over me ♪
1628
01:04:54,056 --> 01:04:58,426
♪ And what am I to do ♪
1629
01:04:58,427 --> 01:05:01,495
♪ With "Hello, how are you?" ♪
1630
01:05:03,649 --> 01:05:08,803
♪ Nothing's ever said that should be ♪
1631
01:05:11,623 --> 01:05:15,476
♪ And I don't care about you ♪
1632
01:05:15,577 --> 01:05:20,364
♪ If you don't care about me ♪
1633
01:05:20,365 --> 01:05:23,717
♪ We can go our separate ways ♪
1634
01:05:23,718 --> 01:05:27,588
♪ If you want to ♪
1635
01:05:27,589 --> 01:05:31,959
♪ Oh, if you want to ♪
1636
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:36,997
♪ Oh, oh ♪
1637
01:05:36,998 --> 01:05:40,734
♪ If you want to ♪
1638
01:05:40,735 --> 01:05:43,971
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
1639
01:05:45,274 --> 01:05:47,542
♪ If you want to ♪
1640
01:05:47,543 --> 01:05:48,643
(Sighs)
1641
01:05:49,978 --> 01:05:54,448
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
1642
01:05:54,449 --> 01:05:57,351
♪ Mm, if you want to ♪
1643
01:05:57,352 --> 01:05:59,787
♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪
1644
01:06:01,356 --> 01:06:03,558
- Hi.
- Oh.
1645
01:06:03,559 --> 01:06:05,893
What happened to 8?
1646
01:06:05,894 --> 01:06:06,894
8's good.
1647
01:06:06,895 --> 01:06:08,696
But you're an hour late.
1648
01:06:08,697 --> 01:06:11,365
Oh. Can we make it 9?
1649
01:06:11,366 --> 01:06:13,568
I-I thought you wanted to
get drinks before dinner.
1650
01:06:13,569 --> 01:06:15,969
I did. And I did.
1651
01:06:15,970 --> 01:06:17,238
- Oh.
- (Chuckles)
1652
01:06:17,239 --> 01:06:19,607
Well-- well, I'm not getting
in a car with you.
1653
01:06:19,608 --> 01:06:20,675
Like I tell my students,
1654
01:06:20,676 --> 01:06:22,943
even one drink is one drink too many.
1655
01:06:22,944 --> 01:06:24,445
No vehicle necessary, teach.
1656
01:06:24,446 --> 01:06:27,114
The place we're going is right here.
1657
01:06:27,115 --> 01:06:29,750
It's good. Let's go.
1658
01:06:29,751 --> 01:06:32,669
♪ (The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra's
"Hallelujah Chorus" playing) ♪
1659
01:06:36,558 --> 01:06:38,393
♪ Hallelujah ♪
1660
01:06:38,394 --> 01:06:40,361
♪ Hallelujah ♪
1661
01:06:40,362 --> 01:06:42,630
- ♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
- (People chattering)
1662
01:06:42,631 --> 01:06:44,965
This is wrong.
1663
01:06:44,966 --> 01:06:45,966
(Sighs)
1664
01:06:45,967 --> 01:06:47,635
Let's eat.
1665
01:06:47,636 --> 01:06:49,170
Oh, right there.
1666
01:06:49,171 --> 01:06:51,039
♪ Hallelujah, hallelujah ♪
1667
01:06:51,040 --> 01:06:53,041
- ♪ Hallelujah ♪
- Ha-ha.
1668
01:06:53,042 --> 01:06:55,376
I'm starving. I wanted to
show you this too.
1669
01:06:55,377 --> 01:06:57,595
Look, it's my new T-shirt. Boom.
1670
01:06:57,596 --> 01:06:59,763
"My cock plus your pussy equals..."?
1671
01:07:00,716 --> 01:07:01,749
"Good times?"
1672
01:07:01,750 --> 01:07:03,051
That's it.
1673
01:07:03,052 --> 01:07:04,285
Welcome to cheesus crust,
1674
01:07:04,286 --> 01:07:06,254
Where pizza is a religious experience.
1675
01:07:06,255 --> 01:07:08,973
How can I ordain your order?
1676
01:07:08,974 --> 01:07:11,192
How is the pizza of Nazareth?
1677
01:07:11,193 --> 01:07:12,260
People worship it.
1678
01:07:15,413 --> 01:07:17,648
I'm deeply offended.
1679
01:07:17,649 --> 01:07:19,500
Me too. These prices are outrageous.
1680
01:07:19,501 --> 01:07:22,036
Which is why I carry
my flavor savior card.
1681
01:07:22,037 --> 01:07:26,323
(Chanting like monk)
15% off all who eat here religiously.
1682
01:07:27,659 --> 01:07:28,826
Do you think this is funny?
1683
01:07:28,827 --> 01:07:30,394
(Stammers)
1684
01:07:32,731 --> 01:07:34,298
Good night.
1685
01:07:35,834 --> 01:07:37,702
You people are sinners!
1686
01:07:37,703 --> 01:07:39,553
You should have thought
of that 19 years ago,
1687
01:07:39,554 --> 01:07:42,323
before you stopped my mom
from going into that clinic.
1688
01:07:42,324 --> 01:07:44,325
Have a blessed day.
1689
01:07:47,045 --> 01:07:48,695
Fastest ever.
1690
01:07:48,696 --> 01:07:50,381
♪ Hallelujah ♪
1691
01:07:50,382 --> 01:07:52,199
- ♪ (Marching band playing) ♪
- People chattering)
1692
01:08:07,799 --> 01:08:09,233
(Sobbing)
1693
01:08:13,038 --> 01:08:14,572
Even Jesus had to eat.
1694
01:08:15,941 --> 01:08:16,974
Don't.
1695
01:08:16,975 --> 01:08:18,158
It was a bad date.
1696
01:08:19,711 --> 01:08:23,146
Well, it was supposed to be
a nice night out.
1697
01:08:23,147 --> 01:08:26,049
You know, my last boyfriend
never took me anywhere.
1698
01:08:26,050 --> 01:08:27,685
Ever.
1699
01:08:27,686 --> 01:08:30,621
He'd text me late at night
to come hang out at his place,
1700
01:08:30,622 --> 01:08:33,023
like he was ashamed to be
seen with me in public.
1701
01:08:34,292 --> 01:08:36,059
Please don't cry.
Wait a second. Please?
1702
01:08:36,060 --> 01:08:38,028
No, and I'd make excuses
for him, you know?
1703
01:08:38,029 --> 01:08:40,163
He's not using me, I'm using him.
1704
01:08:40,164 --> 01:08:41,448
And I'm in total control--
1705
01:08:41,449 --> 01:08:44,251
total control, and
it's not that serious.
1706
01:08:44,252 --> 01:08:46,586
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1707
01:08:46,587 --> 01:08:48,889
But when that phone rang,
my heart leapt,
1708
01:08:48,890 --> 01:08:50,524
- and I was there.
- Totally.
1709
01:08:50,525 --> 01:08:51,892
And now I finally get the chance
1710
01:08:51,893 --> 01:08:54,594
to go out on a real date,
and it's with you.
1711
01:08:54,595 --> 01:08:56,330
- I know. That sucks.
- (Scoffs)
1712
01:08:56,331 --> 01:08:58,833
No, you suck.
1713
01:08:58,834 --> 01:09:01,418
I do. I...
I do suck.
1714
01:09:02,620 --> 01:09:04,088
I suck.
1715
01:09:08,293 --> 01:09:10,611
You must be hungry.
Let's go eat.
1716
01:09:11,746 --> 01:09:13,381
Okay?
1717
01:09:13,382 --> 01:09:15,866
My senior year, um...
1718
01:09:15,867 --> 01:09:16,967
Take this girl on a date.
1719
01:09:16,968 --> 01:09:19,637
- Horrible. Date from hell.
- (Chuckles)
1720
01:09:19,638 --> 01:09:21,355
About a week later,
this frat boy comes up,
1721
01:09:21,356 --> 01:09:22,757
and he says to me,
1722
01:09:22,758 --> 01:09:25,526
"Only you could make me look good."
1723
01:09:25,527 --> 01:09:26,877
(Both chuckle)
1724
01:09:26,878 --> 01:09:28,913
All right? I laughed...
1725
01:09:28,914 --> 01:09:30,514
Until one of his buddies
1726
01:09:30,515 --> 01:09:33,050
then came to me and was like,
1727
01:09:33,051 --> 01:09:35,653
"Can you help me with my ex?"
1728
01:09:35,654 --> 01:09:36,821
- Tank was born.
- Yeah.
1729
01:09:36,822 --> 01:09:39,240
- Yeah, really.
- Mm-hm.
1730
01:09:39,241 --> 01:09:40,707
(Men chattering indistinctly)
1731
01:09:40,708 --> 01:09:42,543
(Sighs)
1732
01:09:42,544 --> 01:09:43,544
I'm sorry.
1733
01:09:43,545 --> 01:09:45,212
I understand.
1734
01:09:47,215 --> 01:09:48,416
But...
1735
01:09:48,417 --> 01:09:50,468
Do you enjoy it?
1736
01:09:50,469 --> 01:09:53,004
I'm good at it.
I'm good at being an asshole.
1737
01:09:53,005 --> 01:09:54,604
- Mm-hm.
- It's what I do.
1738
01:09:54,605 --> 01:09:55,890
(Chuckles)
1739
01:09:55,891 --> 01:09:57,141
You're like the anti-Cupid.
1740
01:09:57,142 --> 01:09:58,893
More like the Antichrist.
1741
01:10:00,178 --> 01:10:01,929
Mm. Sorry.
1742
01:10:01,930 --> 01:10:02,763
(Both chuckle)
1743
01:10:02,764 --> 01:10:04,265
Sorry.
1744
01:10:04,266 --> 01:10:06,734
It's all right.
1745
01:10:06,735 --> 01:10:10,036
- You know, in a cruel, twisted way...
- Mm-hm.
1746
01:10:10,037 --> 01:10:12,839
you give couples a second chance.
1747
01:10:12,840 --> 01:10:14,659
You're a closet romantic.
1748
01:10:14,660 --> 01:10:15,843
I don't know about that.
1749
01:10:15,844 --> 01:10:18,329
Heh-heh. You are.
1750
01:10:18,330 --> 01:10:20,998
You know you have to confront
this girl, Alexis.
1751
01:10:20,999 --> 01:10:22,917
Can't.
1752
01:10:23,985 --> 01:10:25,336
I can't.
1753
01:10:25,337 --> 01:10:26,254
If you don't do this,
1754
01:10:26,255 --> 01:10:28,623
she will never take you seriously.
1755
01:10:28,624 --> 01:10:31,759
You need to march up there
and tell her how you feel.
1756
01:10:31,760 --> 01:10:33,861
Alexis.
1757
01:10:36,064 --> 01:10:37,565
Alexis, it's Tank.
1758
01:10:38,600 --> 01:10:40,051
Yeah.
1759
01:10:40,819 --> 01:10:42,186
(Groans)
1760
01:10:42,187 --> 01:10:45,406
Uh, I-- I'm just gonna say this.
I'm gonna say it.
1761
01:10:45,407 --> 01:10:49,076
If you value this us, uh, we,
1762
01:10:49,077 --> 01:10:53,113
then you will let me take you
on a-- a proper date.
1763
01:10:53,114 --> 01:10:55,031
- In public.
- It's 2 AM In the morning.
1764
01:10:55,032 --> 01:10:57,133
Can we do the proper date another time?
1765
01:11:00,622 --> 01:11:01,622
Tomorrow.
1766
01:11:01,623 --> 01:11:04,158
- Yes.
- Proper date. In public.
1767
01:11:04,159 --> 01:11:05,126
- (Laughs)
- Get some--
1768
01:11:05,127 --> 01:11:06,410
- Good night.
- Good night.
1769
01:11:06,411 --> 01:11:07,211
Nice shirt.
1770
01:11:07,212 --> 01:11:09,080
Oh.
1771
01:11:25,046 --> 01:11:26,880
Alexis: Oh, you've gotta
be kidding me.
1772
01:11:26,881 --> 01:11:28,498
Mm-mm.
1773
01:11:28,499 --> 01:11:30,234
(Both chuckle)
1774
01:11:30,235 --> 01:11:32,535
This is for you.
Have to have a corsage.
1775
01:11:32,536 --> 01:11:34,972
- Oh, my God.
- Here you go.
1776
01:11:34,973 --> 01:11:36,506
You gotta be kidding me.
1777
01:11:36,507 --> 01:11:37,808
No, I'm not.
1778
01:11:37,809 --> 01:11:39,409
(Engine starts)
1779
01:11:39,410 --> 01:11:41,711
I never went to prom.
1780
01:11:41,712 --> 01:11:42,712
I remember.
1781
01:11:46,151 --> 01:11:48,619
Oh, yeah. That's right.
1782
01:11:48,620 --> 01:11:49,853
(Alexis chuckles)
1783
01:11:52,374 --> 01:11:55,259
- (People laughing, chattering)
- Oh.
1784
01:11:55,260 --> 01:11:56,410
Uh, she's got a shank.
1785
01:11:56,411 --> 01:11:58,078
You might wanna actually
focus on her.
1786
01:11:58,079 --> 01:11:59,580
- They're with me, okay?
- My purse.
1787
01:11:59,581 --> 01:12:01,482
Uh, Alexis, this is Hilary,
our chaperon.
1788
01:12:01,483 --> 01:12:03,000
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
1789
01:12:03,001 --> 01:12:04,869
♪ (The Kooks' "Always Where
I Need To Be" playing) ♪
1790
01:12:04,870 --> 01:12:05,970
(Mouths) Thank you.
1791
01:12:07,305 --> 01:12:08,889
You two kids have fun.
1792
01:12:08,890 --> 01:12:12,309
♪ Now I see her again ♪
1793
01:12:12,310 --> 01:12:13,644
♪ I asked her-- ♪
1794
01:12:13,645 --> 01:12:15,863
I'm having fun.
1795
01:12:15,864 --> 01:12:19,700
Let's set the stage here.
Um, you're 17 years old.
1796
01:12:19,701 --> 01:12:20,801
So as you make the mistake
1797
01:12:20,802 --> 01:12:23,020
of heading out onto the dance floor,
1798
01:12:23,021 --> 01:12:25,039
Fine, young chap stops you
along the way...
1799
01:12:25,040 --> 01:12:28,125
strikingly handsome. Some would say
ruggedly good-looking.
1800
01:12:28,126 --> 01:12:29,910
He stops you and says,
"Excuse me,
1801
01:12:29,911 --> 01:12:31,212
would you care to dance?"
1802
01:12:31,213 --> 01:12:32,913
Don't tell me you dance.
1803
01:12:32,914 --> 01:12:34,215
Me?
1804
01:12:34,216 --> 01:12:35,583
Never.
1805
01:12:35,584 --> 01:12:38,219
♪ (Nena's "99 Luftballoons
[99 Red Balloons]" playing) ♪
1806
01:12:38,220 --> 01:12:39,336
Oh, my God.
1807
01:12:39,337 --> 01:12:41,305
(Both chuckle)
1808
01:12:41,306 --> 01:12:42,339
- Oh, my God.
- That's it.
1809
01:12:42,340 --> 01:12:43,607
That's all I've got, really.
1810
01:12:43,608 --> 01:12:45,009
Whoo!
1811
01:12:49,046 --> 01:12:50,264
(Chuckling)
1812
01:12:50,265 --> 01:12:51,365
No way.
1813
01:12:54,886 --> 01:12:56,420
Wow.
1814
01:12:56,421 --> 01:12:57,688
For you.
1815
01:12:57,689 --> 01:12:58,922
(Laughs)
1816
01:12:58,923 --> 01:13:00,357
- Let's go.
- No, I can't--
1817
01:13:00,358 --> 01:13:02,876
You're making this embarrassing-
myself-to-be-cute thing
1818
01:13:02,877 --> 01:13:04,528
really, really difficult.
1819
01:13:04,529 --> 01:13:07,063
Look at this.
Check it out.
1820
01:13:07,064 --> 01:13:09,265
Oh. Did you see that little move?
1821
01:13:09,266 --> 01:13:10,918
I saw it. I wanna see more over here.
1822
01:13:10,919 --> 01:13:12,386
Come on.
1823
01:13:28,703 --> 01:13:31,121
♪ Ninety-nine decision street ♪
1824
01:13:31,122 --> 01:13:33,607
♪ Ninety-nine ministers meet ♪
1825
01:13:33,608 --> 01:13:36,110
♪ To worry, worry, super-scurry ♪
1826
01:13:36,111 --> 01:13:38,512
♪ Call the troops out in a hurry ♪
1827
01:13:38,513 --> 01:13:40,331
I got caught up.
1828
01:13:40,332 --> 01:13:43,517
♪ This is what we've waited for
This is it, boys, this is war ♪
1829
01:13:43,518 --> 01:13:46,237
♪ The president is on the line ♪
1830
01:13:46,238 --> 01:13:49,439
♪ As 99 red balloons go by ♪
1831
01:13:49,440 --> 01:13:50,874
(Chuckling)
1832
01:13:55,513 --> 01:13:56,413
(Inaudible dialogue)
1833
01:13:58,800 --> 01:14:00,016
(People laughing)
1834
01:14:01,719 --> 01:14:04,388
♪ Ninety-nine dreams I have had ♪
1835
01:14:04,389 --> 01:14:05,539
- Hi.
- Hey.
1836
01:14:05,540 --> 01:14:08,742
♪ In every one a red balloon ♪
1837
01:14:08,743 --> 01:14:12,162
♪ It's all over and I'm standing pretty ♪
1838
01:14:12,163 --> 01:14:15,565
♪ In this dust that was a city ♪
1839
01:14:15,566 --> 01:14:18,468
♪ If I could find a souvenir ♪
1840
01:14:18,469 --> 01:14:22,473
♪ Just to prove the world was here ♪
1841
01:14:22,474 --> 01:14:25,826
♪ And here is a red balloon ♪
1842
01:14:25,827 --> 01:14:29,496
♪ I think of you and let it go ♪
1843
01:14:30,799 --> 01:14:31,782
Tank: Hey.
1844
01:14:31,783 --> 01:14:33,717
♪ (Duffy’s "Mercy" playing) ♪
1845
01:14:36,621 --> 01:14:38,389
Fun, huh?
1846
01:14:38,390 --> 01:14:39,723
Yep.
1847
01:14:43,178 --> 01:14:45,429
You know you could have any
girl out there, right?
1848
01:14:45,430 --> 01:14:47,414
- Thanks.
- Right.
1849
01:14:47,415 --> 01:14:50,650
Hey, dude. Look at me.
1850
01:14:50,651 --> 01:14:52,219
Look at this.
1851
01:14:52,220 --> 01:14:54,120
It's not about what
you look like, man.
1852
01:14:54,121 --> 01:14:55,822
It's right here, okay?
1853
01:14:55,823 --> 01:14:58,058
It's attitude.
It's how you look at 'em.
1854
01:14:58,059 --> 01:14:59,359
Pretend you don't give a shit,
1855
01:14:59,360 --> 01:15:00,560
they will be on you like acne.
1856
01:15:00,561 --> 01:15:02,712
Guaranteed or your money back.
1857
01:15:03,481 --> 01:15:05,983
Student: So, then, like,
1858
01:15:05,984 --> 01:15:08,218
why you been such a kiss-ass
to your girl all night?
1859
01:15:08,219 --> 01:15:10,654
Pulling out chairs and
throwing out compliments.
1860
01:15:10,655 --> 01:15:13,023
I'm on a different... plan.
1861
01:15:13,024 --> 01:15:14,875
You're on a--
what you-- what I--
1862
01:15:14,876 --> 01:15:17,727
(High-pitched) "Can I wipe
your ass, baby? Hm? It's--"
1863
01:15:17,728 --> 01:15:19,880
Tank: I was trying to help you,
but, um,
1864
01:15:19,881 --> 01:15:21,165
fuck you.
1865
01:15:21,166 --> 01:15:22,800
Okay, now, fuck you, you hypocrite.
1866
01:15:22,801 --> 01:15:25,552
"Hey nerd, let me give you
some condescending advice."
1867
01:15:25,553 --> 01:15:27,054
Be cruel to women?
1868
01:15:27,055 --> 01:15:28,756
Fat, pathetic, sad dork.
1869
01:15:28,757 --> 01:15:30,090
Man: Old man at a prom.
1870
01:15:30,091 --> 01:15:31,241
Husky bitch.
1871
01:15:33,178 --> 01:15:34,845
♪ ("crimson and clover" playing) ♪
1872
01:15:34,846 --> 01:15:36,196
Don't get ahead of yourself here,
1873
01:15:36,197 --> 01:15:39,183
and I'm just curious,
but are you seeing anybody?
1874
01:15:39,184 --> 01:15:40,484
No.
1875
01:15:40,485 --> 01:15:42,269
- No? Hm.
- Mm-mm.
1876
01:15:42,270 --> 01:15:43,253
Are you?
1877
01:15:43,254 --> 01:15:44,572
No.
1878
01:15:44,573 --> 01:15:47,024
What about, uh, that awkward night
with that guy?
1879
01:15:47,025 --> 01:15:48,776
You still--?
You still call him?
1880
01:15:48,777 --> 01:15:51,511
He kind of disappeared.
1881
01:15:51,512 --> 01:15:53,614
I haven't heard from him
since he quit his job.
1882
01:15:53,615 --> 01:15:56,216
Oh, maybe you could call him.
You know?
1883
01:15:56,217 --> 01:15:59,252
See how he's holding up
kind of thing.
1884
01:15:59,253 --> 01:16:01,722
- What?
- Or don't.
1885
01:16:01,723 --> 01:16:04,892
It's-- it's your choice.
I mean, I'm just saying--
1886
01:16:04,893 --> 01:16:07,227
No, I know. It's sweet.
Polite.
1887
01:16:07,228 --> 01:16:08,662
♪ Now, I been waitin' to show her ♪
1888
01:16:08,663 --> 01:16:10,230
Even if it is a part
of your whole show
1889
01:16:10,231 --> 01:16:12,833
that you got going on tonight.
1890
01:16:12,834 --> 01:16:14,301
You're pulling out all the stops.
1891
01:16:14,302 --> 01:16:15,869
(Chuckles)
1892
01:16:15,870 --> 01:16:19,056
Sweet Tank.
Sweet Tank is way into me.
1893
01:16:19,057 --> 01:16:23,394
♪ Over and over ♪
1894
01:16:23,395 --> 01:16:25,779
You know what, though?
You're right. I should call him.
1895
01:16:28,199 --> 01:16:30,100
I should call him.
1896
01:16:32,537 --> 01:16:33,803
(Both moaning)
1897
01:16:34,873 --> 01:16:37,074
I think I'll say good night.
1898
01:16:37,075 --> 01:16:39,042
- Yes, I will be going.
- Wait, what?
1899
01:16:39,043 --> 01:16:40,210
Good night.
1900
01:16:40,211 --> 01:16:41,711
(Alexis laughs)
1901
01:16:41,712 --> 01:16:43,813
I got what I wanted.
A real first date.
1902
01:16:43,814 --> 01:16:46,216
Although this may be the worst
possible time to admit it,
1903
01:16:46,217 --> 01:16:47,684
I'm not good at the no-sex thing.
1904
01:16:47,685 --> 01:16:48,785
So I'll see you later.
1905
01:16:50,020 --> 01:16:52,956
Hey, if you insist on celibacy,
1906
01:16:52,957 --> 01:16:53,874
do you think we can have
1907
01:16:53,875 --> 01:16:55,475
our second official date on July 7th?
1908
01:16:55,476 --> 01:16:57,845
Because my sister is getting married.
1909
01:16:57,846 --> 01:17:01,048
And... it would be great...
1910
01:17:01,049 --> 01:17:03,684
If you'd come with me.
1911
01:17:03,685 --> 01:17:05,386
Yes. I can do that.
1912
01:17:05,387 --> 01:17:07,821
But I'm gonna walk away
right now, 'cause...
1913
01:17:07,822 --> 01:17:09,106
you're missing out.
1914
01:17:09,107 --> 01:17:10,858
(Chuckles)
1915
01:17:10,859 --> 01:17:12,443
After a while, crocodile.
1916
01:17:18,950 --> 01:17:21,802
You know, it was really cool
of you to call, Alexis.
1917
01:17:21,803 --> 01:17:25,139
Lunch, uh, wedding errands.
Just like old times, huh? Heh.
1918
01:17:25,140 --> 01:17:28,375
I haven't seen you since I took
my leave of absence from work.
1919
01:17:28,376 --> 01:17:29,943
Alexis: Yeah, I heard you quit.
1920
01:17:29,944 --> 01:17:31,712
Oh, no, no, no.
I-I just, um--
1921
01:17:31,713 --> 01:17:33,681
I took a sabbatical.
A sabbatical.
1922
01:17:33,682 --> 01:17:35,983
You know, I just wanted to do
some soul-searching.
1923
01:17:41,572 --> 01:17:43,724
(Sighs) Wow.
1924
01:17:43,725 --> 01:17:45,309
Alexis: My sister picked it out.
1925
01:17:45,310 --> 01:17:46,810
Well, you should thank her.
1926
01:17:46,811 --> 01:17:48,479
The whole world should thank her.
1927
01:17:48,480 --> 01:17:49,713
Well, you're welcome.
1928
01:17:49,714 --> 01:17:52,349
Speaking of the devil.
Oh, my gosh.
1929
01:17:52,350 --> 01:17:54,418
I love it.
I love it so much.
1930
01:17:54,419 --> 01:17:56,770
This is my friend, Dustin.
This is my sister, Rachel.
1931
01:17:56,771 --> 01:17:58,071
- Oh, hi.
- Hi. No. Get over here.
1932
01:17:58,072 --> 01:17:59,957
What? Ha-ha. Congratulations.
1933
01:17:59,958 --> 01:18:02,659
Alexis will not shut up
about you, the wedding--
1934
01:18:02,660 --> 01:18:05,162
That was really smart.
That was so smart, yeah.
1935
01:18:05,163 --> 01:18:07,581
- See, I-- I brought mine too. Hi.
- Hi.
1936
01:18:07,582 --> 01:18:09,349
It's really the only opinion
1937
01:18:09,350 --> 01:18:12,252
- that means anything these days.
- Oh, hi.
1938
01:18:12,253 --> 01:18:15,305
Oh, my gosh. You have
to see my dress.
1939
01:18:15,306 --> 01:18:16,557
Great. (Shrieks)
1940
01:18:16,558 --> 01:18:17,774
(Both giggle)
1941
01:18:19,594 --> 01:18:21,428
- Yeah, I did it when--
- Alexis, I'm sorry.
1942
01:18:21,429 --> 01:18:24,398
I'm the, uh, I'm the
dress-shopping gay pal?
1943
01:18:24,399 --> 01:18:26,767
I just think that now's not
the time to set her straight.
1944
01:18:26,768 --> 01:18:29,219
She's a little crazy, she's manic.
It's her wedding.
1945
01:18:29,220 --> 01:18:31,455
I get that we're in, uh,
you know, slow-down mode,
1946
01:18:31,456 --> 01:18:33,823
but I'm-- I'm not gonna,
like, meet your parents
1947
01:18:33,824 --> 01:18:35,943
under the pretext of the gay friend.
1948
01:18:35,944 --> 01:18:37,544
I mean, that's ridic--
1949
01:18:37,545 --> 01:18:41,365
What? No, I don't mean
"Meet Your Parents" meet your parents.
1950
01:18:41,366 --> 01:18:42,332
I just mean at the wedding.
1951
01:18:42,333 --> 01:18:44,350
I'm sure I'll casually
bump into them--
1952
01:18:44,351 --> 01:18:46,369
That's-- what?
I'm sorry. Excuse me one second.
1953
01:18:46,370 --> 01:18:48,172
- Dustin, you need to--
- Dustin: What?
1954
01:18:48,173 --> 01:18:50,374
Yeah, what? What is it? What?
1955
01:18:50,375 --> 01:18:51,841
Is something wrong? (Sighs)
1956
01:18:51,842 --> 01:18:53,093
Do you not want me to come?
1957
01:18:53,094 --> 01:18:55,712
You've got it all--
1958
01:18:55,713 --> 01:18:57,381
You--? You--? Wrong. I--
1959
01:18:57,382 --> 01:18:59,516
You don't--
you don't want me to--
1960
01:18:59,517 --> 01:19:02,085
Yeah, no. Uh, no.
1961
01:19:02,086 --> 01:19:04,754
Totally. You know what? Sorry.
Dustin, I have to--
1962
01:19:04,755 --> 01:19:06,023
That was presumptuous.
1963
01:19:06,024 --> 01:19:07,590
Promise me you won't be upset
1964
01:19:07,591 --> 01:19:08,892
if I tell you something.
1965
01:19:08,893 --> 01:19:10,227
Yeah. What?
1966
01:19:10,228 --> 01:19:12,579
I'm seeing somebody.
1967
01:19:12,580 --> 01:19:14,414
And, um...
1968
01:19:14,415 --> 01:19:15,749
so I asked him
1969
01:19:15,750 --> 01:19:17,317
to come with me to the wedding.
1970
01:19:19,537 --> 01:19:21,321
- You're-- you're upset.
- No. What?
1971
01:19:21,322 --> 01:19:23,373
(Stammers) Upset? No.
1972
01:19:23,374 --> 01:19:24,575
Why would I be upset?
1973
01:19:24,576 --> 01:19:26,877
Come on. That's crazy.
1974
01:19:26,878 --> 01:19:28,796
Like I'm a guy that gets upset.
1975
01:19:28,797 --> 01:19:30,581
Come on.
More like happy.
1976
01:19:30,582 --> 01:19:33,250
You know? I'm happy that, uh--
that, you know.
1977
01:19:33,251 --> 01:19:36,386
- That you found someone special.
- It still feels a little short.
1978
01:19:36,387 --> 01:19:38,188
I still maybe think
that if you put the--
1979
01:19:38,189 --> 01:19:40,290
- So, dish.
- I just wanna make sure my--
1980
01:19:40,291 --> 01:19:42,158
- Who is he?
- My foot, actually.
1981
01:19:42,159 --> 01:19:46,196
Yeah. I think that's too much shoe.
1982
01:19:47,682 --> 01:19:51,317
"Man-ischewitz," Sherman.
Look at you.
1983
01:19:51,318 --> 01:19:53,687
You remind me of me
on my wedding day.
1984
01:19:53,688 --> 01:19:56,189
I was one nasty son of a bitch.
1985
01:19:58,359 --> 01:19:59,910
Dad, why did mom marry you?
1986
01:19:59,911 --> 01:20:01,528
Who makes this tux?
Was it Versace?
1987
01:20:01,529 --> 01:20:04,264
- Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad.
- Yeah, but where'd you get this tux?
1988
01:20:04,265 --> 01:20:07,284
- The black on black.
- Come on, dad. Really.
1989
01:20:09,620 --> 01:20:11,654
Your mother was an incredible woman...
1990
01:20:11,655 --> 01:20:14,157
but she had awful judgment.
1991
01:20:15,626 --> 01:20:18,178
She was always trying to find
the better man inside me,
1992
01:20:18,179 --> 01:20:19,729
and unfortunately, she found him
1993
01:20:19,730 --> 01:20:22,799
Inside of her psychotherapist, Janine.
1994
01:20:22,800 --> 01:20:24,134
Not good.
1995
01:20:24,135 --> 01:20:26,169
You see, I always knew that
your mom was the best
1996
01:20:26,170 --> 01:20:28,271
it was ever gonna get for me.
1997
01:20:28,272 --> 01:20:31,508
And I never asked the more
important question, which is...
1998
01:20:31,509 --> 01:20:33,877
was I the best it was ever
gonna get for her?
1999
01:20:37,214 --> 01:20:38,214
(Pats back)
2000
01:20:38,215 --> 01:20:40,016
- You're not so bad, pop.
- Mm.
2001
01:20:43,420 --> 01:20:46,590
I'm a fraud, Sherman.
Oh, yeah.
2002
01:20:46,591 --> 01:20:49,192
And I'm a selfish asshole.
2003
01:20:50,210 --> 01:20:51,427
(Sighs)
2004
01:20:55,449 --> 01:20:56,650
And so are you.
2005
01:20:58,385 --> 01:21:00,620
So I want you to get out there...
2006
01:21:02,222 --> 01:21:03,857
and I want you to revel in it.
2007
01:21:03,858 --> 01:21:05,692
(Chuckles)
2008
01:21:05,693 --> 01:21:07,027
(Pats back)
2009
01:21:11,065 --> 01:21:13,466
♪ (Steven Maglio's
"Tender Trap (Love is the)" playing) ♪
2010
01:21:13,467 --> 01:21:15,101
(Bells ringing)
2011
01:21:18,906 --> 01:21:22,276
♪ You see a pair of laughing eyes ♪
2012
01:21:22,277 --> 01:21:25,545
♪ And suddenly you're sighing sighs ♪
2013
01:21:25,546 --> 01:21:27,914
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
2014
01:21:27,915 --> 01:21:29,883
- You are hot as a pistol.
- You look so handsome.
2015
01:21:29,884 --> 01:21:32,986
- No, you. I am very...
- I'm so impressed with you.
2016
01:21:32,987 --> 01:21:35,188
Impressed. You look beautiful.
2017
01:21:35,189 --> 01:21:37,624
- Do you like the red lipstick?
- I want to do you right here.
2018
01:21:37,625 --> 01:21:38,925
- Yes.
- (Both chuckle)
2019
01:21:38,926 --> 01:21:41,211
Okay, I gotta--
I gotta go. But Josh.
2020
01:21:41,212 --> 01:21:43,096
My future brother-in-law.
2021
01:21:43,097 --> 01:21:44,964
Josh, I want you to meet
my boyfriend, Tank.
2022
01:21:44,965 --> 01:21:47,017
Hey. Josh. I'll be your groom
2023
01:21:47,018 --> 01:21:49,786
in today's performance of fuck me,
I'm getting married.
2024
01:21:49,787 --> 01:21:52,806
Okay, well, I'm gonna
go, um, tame bridezilla.
2025
01:21:52,807 --> 01:21:53,974
You want me to come? Lex?
2026
01:21:53,975 --> 01:21:55,642
No, I'll look out for him.
All right?
2027
01:21:55,643 --> 01:21:57,693
Just breathe for a second,
all right--?
2028
01:21:57,694 --> 01:21:59,029
I am breathing.
2029
01:21:59,030 --> 01:22:00,430
Now adapt.
2030
01:22:00,431 --> 01:22:01,998
- Are we adapting?
- Yeah.
2031
01:22:01,999 --> 01:22:03,966
Are we ready to evolve?
2032
01:22:03,967 --> 01:22:06,869
You let fly one word
about our arrangement
2033
01:22:06,870 --> 01:22:09,139
- I will crush your nuts into butter.
- (Sighs)
2034
01:22:09,140 --> 01:22:10,940
Like the kind at the
health-food store,
2035
01:22:10,941 --> 01:22:12,242
but not so good for you.
2036
01:22:12,243 --> 01:22:14,911
But-- but-- but...
2037
01:22:14,912 --> 01:22:16,179
You play ball,
2038
01:22:16,180 --> 01:22:18,548
I will plant your flag right next
to mine, all right?
2039
01:22:18,549 --> 01:22:20,183
I will make you family.
2040
01:22:20,184 --> 01:22:22,952
And believe me, Tank,
you wanna be family.
2041
01:22:24,821 --> 01:22:26,923
- Money.
- Jesus Christ.
2042
01:22:26,924 --> 01:22:29,426
Like, "money" money.
2043
01:22:29,427 --> 01:22:32,095
Like, old money, new money,
fuck-me money, fuck-you money.
2044
01:22:32,096 --> 01:22:33,613
Family money. Money.
2045
01:22:33,614 --> 01:22:36,966
Okay, yeah.
Josh, you got me all wrong.
2046
01:22:36,967 --> 01:22:40,370
No. I know exactly who
you are, all right?
2047
01:22:40,371 --> 01:22:43,373
It's Alexis who's got you all wrong.
2048
01:22:43,374 --> 01:22:46,360
Let's do what we do, brother.
Hey, Merrilee.
2049
01:22:46,361 --> 01:22:48,862
- Brian.
- Now, I've told you, fella.
2050
01:22:48,863 --> 01:22:51,581
From here on out, it's strictly
mom and dad.
2051
01:22:51,582 --> 01:22:53,700
I'd like to introduce you
to your next son-in-law,
2052
01:22:53,701 --> 01:22:54,701
Tank Turner.
2053
01:22:54,702 --> 01:22:56,453
This is Alexis' guy.
2054
01:22:56,454 --> 01:22:58,338
Oh, I've heard so much about you.
2055
01:22:58,339 --> 01:23:00,223
- That's Tank.
- Tank: That is unfortunate.
2056
01:23:00,224 --> 01:23:01,958
- Forget it all.
- (All laughing)
2057
01:23:01,959 --> 01:23:03,760
- Tank.
- Hi.
2058
01:23:05,396 --> 01:23:07,097
(Gasps)
2059
01:23:07,098 --> 01:23:09,583
Rachel: Tank Turner is an asshole!
2060
01:23:09,584 --> 01:23:11,385
Alexis: Um...
2061
01:23:11,386 --> 01:23:14,004
- You brought Satan to my wedding?
- Well, he's changed.
2062
01:23:14,005 --> 01:23:16,506
Or he's going to change.
Or he's in the process of changing.
2063
01:23:16,507 --> 01:23:18,041
No.
2064
01:23:18,042 --> 01:23:19,893
I'm sorry, but that is not enough.
2065
01:23:19,894 --> 01:23:23,196
Rachel: Okay, maybe he's this fun
vacation on the dark side--
2066
01:23:23,197 --> 01:23:26,366
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel.
I'm falling in love with him.
2067
01:23:26,367 --> 01:23:28,452
Rachel: What?
2068
01:23:28,453 --> 01:23:29,820
I love him.
2069
01:23:31,755 --> 01:23:33,790
(People chattering)
2070
01:23:40,397 --> 01:23:42,466
Hey, so--
so many things that I want--
2071
01:23:42,467 --> 01:23:44,017
Oh, come here.
2072
01:23:50,191 --> 01:23:52,192
- I gotta go. I'm going.
- No.
2073
01:23:52,193 --> 01:23:53,109
I'm leaving.
2074
01:23:53,110 --> 01:23:54,294
Go.
2075
01:24:03,804 --> 01:24:05,405
(Door closes)
2076
01:24:15,249 --> 01:24:17,450
Are you the best it's
ever gonna get for her?
2077
01:24:22,556 --> 01:24:24,991
♪ (Johnny Cash's
"The Man Comes Around" playing) ♪
2078
01:24:29,196 --> 01:24:30,430
Are you?
2079
01:24:31,999 --> 01:24:35,368
♪ There's a man going 'round
taking names ♪
2080
01:24:37,154 --> 01:24:40,507
♪ And he decides who to free
and who to blame ♪
2081
01:24:40,508 --> 01:24:42,375
(Neck cracks)
2082
01:24:42,376 --> 01:24:45,645
♪ Everybody won't be treated
all the same ♪
2083
01:24:47,214 --> 01:24:50,416
♪ There'll be a golden ladder
reaching down ♪
2084
01:24:53,420 --> 01:24:56,255
♪ When the man comes around ♪
2085
01:24:59,760 --> 01:25:03,029
♪ The hairs on your arm will stand up ♪
2086
01:25:04,465 --> 01:25:07,667
♪ At the terror in each sip
and in each sup ♪
2087
01:25:09,787 --> 01:25:12,922
♪ Will you partake of
that last offered cup? ♪
2088
01:25:14,541 --> 01:25:17,611
♪ Or disappear into
the potter's ground ♪
2089
01:25:20,648 --> 01:25:22,616
♪ When the man comes around ♪
2090
01:25:25,019 --> 01:25:27,453
♪ Hear the trumpets,
hear the pipers ♪
2091
01:25:29,423 --> 01:25:32,191
♪ One hundred million angels singing ♪
2092
01:25:34,629 --> 01:25:38,898
♪ Multitudes are marching
to the big kettle drum ♪
2093
01:25:40,634 --> 01:25:43,302
♪ Voices calling, voices crying-- ♪
2094
01:25:44,589 --> 01:25:46,423
If anyone here can show just cause
2095
01:25:46,424 --> 01:25:49,342
Why these two should not
be joined in marriage,
2096
01:25:49,343 --> 01:25:54,747
Let them speak now or forever
hold their peace.
2097
01:25:54,748 --> 01:25:55,915
White dress.
2098
01:25:55,916 --> 01:25:57,250
(Crowd gasping)
2099
01:25:57,251 --> 01:25:59,219
Chick's seen more dick than this guy.
2100
01:25:59,220 --> 01:26:00,887
(Scoffs)
2101
01:26:00,888 --> 01:26:02,521
"Ridonculous."
2102
01:26:03,558 --> 01:26:06,476
- ♪ (Band playing Swing music) ♪
- Boo!
2103
01:26:06,477 --> 01:26:07,760
(Chuckles)
2104
01:26:07,761 --> 01:26:09,528
I've been wanting to come over here,
2105
01:26:09,529 --> 01:26:11,714
because I was reminded of a joke.
2106
01:26:11,715 --> 01:26:13,033
(People chattering)
2107
01:26:13,034 --> 01:26:16,453
Uh, a Priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding.
(Chuckles) Who knew?
2108
01:26:16,454 --> 01:26:21,023
And they see a small boy
bending over to tie his shoe.
2109
01:26:21,024 --> 01:26:23,426
So the Priest says to the Rabbi,
2110
01:26:23,427 --> 01:26:25,745
"God, I'd really love
to screw that kid."
2111
01:26:25,746 --> 01:26:27,146
And then, heh, the Rabbi says,
2112
01:26:28,165 --> 01:26:29,449
"Out of what?"
2113
01:26:31,385 --> 01:26:32,418
It's a visual thing,
2114
01:26:32,419 --> 01:26:34,487
'cause the kid is basically like this.
2115
01:26:34,488 --> 01:26:35,655
He's bending over.
2116
01:26:36,591 --> 01:26:37,824
All right, dirty Houdini.
2117
01:26:37,825 --> 01:26:39,826
You don't know this one.
You gotta try this. Check it out.
2118
01:26:39,827 --> 01:26:43,363
While you're giving it to your lady
from behind, okay?
2119
01:26:43,364 --> 01:26:45,164
Very important.
You gotta be behind her.
2120
01:26:45,165 --> 01:26:47,934
You're gonna start making some
sounds like you're gonna bust, okay?
2121
01:26:47,935 --> 01:26:50,036
Then you pull out.
As you pull out,
2122
01:26:50,037 --> 01:26:52,839
you let a little dribble of saliva
trickle down, okay,
2123
01:26:52,840 --> 01:26:54,140
onto the small of her back.
2124
01:26:54,141 --> 01:26:56,109
That way she thinks it's over,
she flips over,
2125
01:26:56,110 --> 01:26:57,877
"Good, I can go to sleep." Blam!
2126
01:26:57,878 --> 01:27:00,413
Fireman's hose. All over.
2127
01:27:00,414 --> 01:27:01,530
(Chuckles) Mm.
2128
01:27:04,551 --> 01:27:05,952
I don't get it.
2129
01:27:05,953 --> 01:27:07,871
You don't get it?
Here's what you're gonna do.
2130
01:27:07,872 --> 01:27:09,422
You're gonna go ask your mom.
Right there. Pound.
2131
01:27:16,213 --> 01:27:18,881
- Ready. And wow.
- Ooh.
2132
01:27:18,882 --> 01:27:20,116
It's like lifting a coffin.
2133
01:27:22,252 --> 01:27:25,138
Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina.
2134
01:27:25,139 --> 01:27:27,524
- (Cell phone ringing)
- Hold on.
2135
01:27:27,525 --> 01:27:29,425
Hold on a second.
2136
01:27:29,426 --> 01:27:30,426
Hello?
2137
01:27:30,427 --> 01:27:31,678
Yeah, I can talk.
2138
01:27:31,679 --> 01:27:33,847
♪ hava, motherfucking hav-- ♪
2139
01:27:35,700 --> 01:27:37,651
Thought you weren't gonna drink tonight.
2140
01:27:37,652 --> 01:27:38,784
Guy can't have a little glass of red
2141
01:27:38,785 --> 01:27:41,071
to celebrate the holy
sacrament of marriage?
2142
01:27:41,072 --> 01:27:42,772
Wait. Is that Jagermeister I smell?
2143
01:27:42,773 --> 01:27:44,791
- Oh. I don't know.
- Wine, huh?
2144
01:27:44,792 --> 01:27:45,608
Mm.
2145
01:27:46,910 --> 01:27:48,878
- No.
- Don't get into any trouble.
2146
01:27:48,879 --> 01:27:51,581
- Don't get into any trouble.
- I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing.
2147
01:27:57,121 --> 01:27:58,671
♪ (Etta James' "At Last" playing) ♪
2148
01:28:00,457 --> 01:28:03,226
Man, on microphone: For their
first dance as a married couple,
2149
01:28:03,227 --> 01:28:06,913
I'd like to present to you
Rachel and Josh.
2150
01:28:11,084 --> 01:28:15,021
♪ At last ♪
2151
01:28:16,123 --> 01:28:17,123
- Hey.
- (Vomits)
2152
01:28:17,124 --> 01:28:18,274
- (Screams)
- (Crowd gasps)
2153
01:28:18,275 --> 01:28:20,076
♪ My love... ♪
2154
01:28:20,077 --> 01:28:21,277
Sorry.
2155
01:28:21,278 --> 01:28:23,580
Tank: Can I have this dance?
2156
01:28:23,581 --> 01:28:24,998
Not a good time? Okay.
2157
01:28:24,999 --> 01:28:26,449
I'm sorry, everybody.
2158
01:28:26,450 --> 01:28:28,785
Tank: This is their night.
I'll clean that up.
2159
01:28:28,786 --> 01:28:30,253
It's the chicken.
2160
01:28:30,954 --> 01:28:32,154
The bride and groom.
2161
01:28:32,155 --> 01:28:34,040
(Laughing)
2162
01:28:35,141 --> 01:28:36,909
♪ And life is like... ♪
2163
01:28:37,795 --> 01:28:40,596
All right, I'm gonna grab these
with my hand. Clean.
2164
01:28:40,597 --> 01:28:42,198
I washed 'em after I threw up.
2165
01:28:42,199 --> 01:28:43,532
Hi, how are you?
2166
01:28:43,533 --> 01:28:45,401
There's a lot of talent
here tonight, okay?
2167
01:28:45,402 --> 01:28:47,520
Lookit, lookit that one
right over there.
2168
01:28:47,521 --> 01:28:49,305
Check out the lungs on that one.
2169
01:28:49,306 --> 01:28:52,142
That's Rachel’s cousin.
She's 15.
2170
01:28:52,143 --> 01:28:54,444
My God. She's gonna be a scuba diver
when she grows up.
2171
01:28:54,445 --> 01:28:56,629
Not that you don't have some
bad-ass stuff going on.
2172
01:28:56,630 --> 01:28:59,399
I'd part you like the Red Sea
and let you call me Moses.
2173
01:28:59,400 --> 01:29:01,801
I would open you up like a
public pool on Memorial Day.
2174
01:29:01,802 --> 01:29:02,802
Three words...
2175
01:29:02,803 --> 01:29:03,903
(Grunts three times)
2176
01:29:03,904 --> 01:29:04,904
Let's eat.
2177
01:29:04,905 --> 01:29:06,322
- (Sneezes)
- (People gasp)
2178
01:29:06,323 --> 01:29:08,491
It's okay. I got the sleeve.
I got it. I caught it.
2179
01:29:08,492 --> 01:29:10,593
Usually they come in two's
and three's, so that's--
2180
01:29:10,594 --> 01:29:13,663
- (Sneezing)
- Oh.
2181
01:29:13,664 --> 01:29:16,299
Cocaine, you know, just
kind of gets me sneezy.
2182
01:29:16,300 --> 01:29:18,334
And you, by the way, look lovely.
2183
01:29:18,335 --> 01:29:21,337
I just wanted to say a--
a hello to you.
2184
01:29:24,275 --> 01:29:25,208
Mm.
2185
01:29:26,543 --> 01:29:27,927
All right.
2186
01:29:30,964 --> 01:29:32,365
- Boink.
- (Man grunts)
2187
01:29:32,366 --> 01:29:33,733
Weddings.
2188
01:29:33,734 --> 01:29:35,668
They get me hot and hard.
Know what I'm saying?
2189
01:29:35,669 --> 01:29:37,437
What do you got going on?
Boom!
2190
01:29:37,438 --> 01:29:39,038
I want that in my fucking mouth.
2191
01:29:42,076 --> 01:29:43,842
All right, so I'm asking
you man-to-man,
2192
01:29:43,843 --> 01:29:45,611
when's the last time
you shit your pants?
2193
01:29:45,612 --> 01:29:47,046
Man: Today.
2194
01:29:47,047 --> 01:29:48,614
- You shit your pants today?
- Today.
2195
01:29:48,615 --> 01:29:50,550
- I shit my pants yesterday.
- G-- today!
2196
01:29:50,551 --> 01:29:51,617
(Both laughing)
2197
01:29:51,618 --> 01:29:52,818
Me, today.
2198
01:29:52,819 --> 01:29:54,653
Just a little, but not a whole shit.
2199
01:29:54,654 --> 01:29:57,223
Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me
2200
01:29:57,224 --> 01:29:58,842
to look for you, so let's go.
2201
01:29:58,843 --> 01:30:01,794
Let me just take a snapshot
of you in my mind right now.
2202
01:30:01,795 --> 01:30:04,530
Gross. Fuck, I can smell you
from here, dude.
2203
01:30:04,531 --> 01:30:06,049
How drunk are you right now?
2204
01:30:06,050 --> 01:30:08,284
I had massive amounts
of alcohol tonight.
2205
01:30:08,285 --> 01:30:10,819
I'm embarrassed,
but I'm sobering up now,
2206
01:30:10,820 --> 01:30:12,788
and I feel better.
Having a little chit-chat.
2207
01:30:12,789 --> 01:30:13,857
With my friend.
2208
01:30:13,858 --> 01:30:16,509
Taking a breather. Breathing.
2209
01:30:18,478 --> 01:30:20,013
Fucking goddamn it!
2210
01:30:20,014 --> 01:30:21,414
What do you call that shit, AJ?
2211
01:30:21,415 --> 01:30:24,184
Afghani-kush kryptonite.
2212
01:30:24,185 --> 01:30:27,220
Kryptonite. Killed Superman.
I'm just a man.
2213
01:30:27,221 --> 01:30:28,621
You really are, like,
2214
01:30:28,622 --> 01:30:31,240
a super-special kind of asshole,
aren't you?
2215
01:30:31,241 --> 01:30:33,460
Ride the special-kind-of-asshole
bus to school.
2216
01:30:33,461 --> 01:30:36,262
- Do you really?
- I'm all right. Okay.
2217
01:30:36,263 --> 01:30:37,330
Got one more bite.
2218
01:30:37,331 --> 01:30:38,631
What are you doing?
2219
01:30:38,632 --> 01:30:40,332
Alexis is gonna freak out
2220
01:30:40,333 --> 01:30:41,134
when she sees this!
2221
01:30:41,135 --> 01:30:42,385
- No, she won't.
- Yeah. Yeah!
2222
01:30:42,386 --> 01:30:43,386
She's understanding.
2223
01:30:43,387 --> 01:30:44,587
Oh, my God, dude.
2224
01:30:44,588 --> 01:30:46,289
She's never gonna forgive you
for this.
2225
01:30:46,290 --> 01:30:47,923
All right. I'm coming.
I'm coming.
2226
01:30:49,643 --> 01:30:50,876
What a day.
2227
01:30:50,877 --> 01:30:52,478
Yeah.
2228
01:30:52,479 --> 01:30:54,113
- May I, uh, partake?
- Oh.
2229
01:30:55,599 --> 01:30:57,149
My daughter...
2230
01:30:57,150 --> 01:30:58,935
got married today.
2231
01:30:58,936 --> 01:31:00,186
Wonderful.
2232
01:31:00,187 --> 01:31:02,572
Oh, God, I feel old.
2233
01:31:02,573 --> 01:31:04,924
I bet back in the day...
2234
01:31:04,925 --> 01:31:08,177
You were one hot slice
of fuckberry pie.
2235
01:31:11,364 --> 01:31:15,168
You bet your sweet ass I was.
2236
01:31:15,169 --> 01:31:16,635
(Both laughing)
2237
01:31:16,636 --> 01:31:19,338
Hey. Love your shoes.
2238
01:31:19,339 --> 01:31:20,573
(Sighs)
2239
01:31:20,574 --> 01:31:22,909
So. Are we gonna do this or what?
2240
01:31:23,410 --> 01:31:25,011
(Gasps)
2241
01:31:25,012 --> 01:31:27,213
Come on. It's not gonna
suck itself, mama.
2242
01:31:27,214 --> 01:31:29,164
- Oh, my God.
- (People gasping)
2243
01:31:29,165 --> 01:31:30,683
Man: Who is this guy?
2244
01:31:33,337 --> 01:31:36,055
Rachel: And he's ruining
my entire wedding.
2245
01:31:36,056 --> 01:31:39,391
He ruined my dance.
My-- my actual dance.
2246
01:31:39,392 --> 01:31:42,895
No, it's ruined, and--
why did you bring him here?
2247
01:31:42,896 --> 01:31:44,797
- (Speaking inaudibly)
- It's disgusting.
2248
01:31:44,798 --> 01:31:46,566
- (Speaking inaudibly)
- I don't know why.
2249
01:31:46,567 --> 01:31:49,368
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
2250
01:31:50,503 --> 01:31:53,005
- Are you kidding me?
- He really--?
2251
01:31:53,006 --> 01:31:54,707
(Speaking inaudibly)
2252
01:31:54,708 --> 01:31:55,959
♪ (Swing music playing) ♪
2253
01:31:55,960 --> 01:31:57,593
I got a bass-ackward way
of showing it,
2254
01:31:57,594 --> 01:31:59,361
But I care about you
more than you know.
2255
01:31:59,362 --> 01:32:00,663
Tank. Tank!
2256
01:32:00,664 --> 01:32:01,915
How could you!?
2257
01:32:01,916 --> 01:32:04,133
My ex, Sarah. Cunt.
2258
01:32:06,720 --> 01:32:08,837
Oh, no. You're not gonna
walk away from me right now.
2259
01:32:08,838 --> 01:32:10,973
You're gonna talk to me.
This is insane.
2260
01:32:10,974 --> 01:32:13,393
Who is that person, huh?!
Who's that guy?!
2261
01:32:13,394 --> 01:32:16,095
This is me.
I'm an asshole.
2262
01:32:16,096 --> 01:32:17,814
You had your chance
with the good guy,
2263
01:32:17,815 --> 01:32:19,015
and you threw it away.
2264
01:32:19,016 --> 01:32:20,600
- Who?
- Dustin.
2265
01:32:20,601 --> 01:32:22,468
You have... no right to tell me--
2266
01:32:22,469 --> 01:32:23,820
Hey, Dustin. Dustin's here.
2267
01:32:23,821 --> 01:32:24,821
Du-- Dustin?
2268
01:32:24,822 --> 01:32:25,922
(Speaks indistinctly)
2269
01:32:25,923 --> 01:32:27,290
Dustin? Be careful.
2270
01:32:27,291 --> 01:32:29,225
Tank!
2271
01:32:30,443 --> 01:32:31,510
(Speaks indistinctly)
2272
01:32:33,197 --> 01:32:35,097
(Band stops playing,
crowd chattering)
2273
01:32:35,098 --> 01:32:36,732
(Cymbal crashes, feedback blares)
2274
01:32:39,219 --> 01:32:41,204
Dustin: It's time you all
knew the truth.
2275
01:32:41,205 --> 01:32:44,207
Would you stop? If I go down,
you're coming with me, okay?
2276
01:32:44,208 --> 01:32:47,343
Okay? So, um, I'm sure every--
2277
01:32:47,344 --> 01:32:49,045
(Crowd gasps)
2278
01:32:49,046 --> 01:32:50,229
Don't touch. Ah.
2279
01:32:51,815 --> 01:32:54,800
I would like to share a little something
with you about Mr. Tank Turner here.
2280
01:32:54,801 --> 01:32:57,653
Surely by now he's charmed his way
into your hearts-- stop.
2281
01:32:57,654 --> 01:32:59,405
He's charmed his way
into your hearts,
2282
01:32:59,406 --> 01:33:01,107
but I've got-- I've got
something to tell you.
2283
01:33:01,108 --> 01:33:03,192
Tank Turner is a fraud.
2284
01:33:03,193 --> 01:33:05,361
Okay? Why don't you take
a walk with me, Tank?
2285
01:33:05,362 --> 01:33:08,280
- Hey! Come with me, okay?
- Rachel: Dustin.
2286
01:33:08,281 --> 01:33:11,067
Would you guys like to know
what this man--? Excuse me.
2287
01:33:11,068 --> 01:33:13,586
- What this man does as a hobby?
- Stop.
2288
01:33:13,587 --> 01:33:16,689
- You stop! You stop! Okay?
- Please!
2289
01:33:16,690 --> 01:33:17,890
Hold on.
Guys, I'm sorry.
2290
01:33:17,891 --> 01:33:21,077
Let's say, um...
for example...
2291
01:33:21,078 --> 01:33:24,747
I get dumped by my girl.
2292
01:33:24,748 --> 01:33:29,068
And I want to pay him
to go out with her...
2293
01:33:29,069 --> 01:33:30,503
Oh, boy.
2294
01:33:30,504 --> 01:33:33,873
Terrorize her, and have her come
2295
01:33:33,874 --> 01:33:36,676
Screaming back into my arms.
2296
01:33:36,677 --> 01:33:39,112
So your Mr. Perfect--
2297
01:33:39,113 --> 01:33:41,180
Your Mr. Perfect is actually
2298
01:33:41,181 --> 01:33:45,435
Mr. Asshole-dickhead-shitface guy, okay?
2299
01:33:45,436 --> 01:33:47,753
(Groans)
2300
01:33:47,754 --> 01:33:50,773
Alexis, I-- I, um--
2301
01:33:50,774 --> 01:33:52,007
I loved you so much.
2302
01:33:52,008 --> 01:33:55,762
I did. And I just--
I couldn't bear
2303
01:33:55,763 --> 01:33:58,097
to lose you, and...
2304
01:33:58,098 --> 01:34:00,533
so I made a deal with the devil.
2305
01:34:01,751 --> 01:34:05,838
That's what I did.
Which is p-- pathetic.
2306
01:34:05,839 --> 01:34:07,406
I'm a pathetic fool.
Yeah, okay.
2307
01:34:07,407 --> 01:34:08,875
But-- but what does that make him?
2308
01:34:08,876 --> 01:34:11,094
Okay, stop. Stop it.
2309
01:34:11,095 --> 01:34:13,880
Just tell me this isn't true.
2310
01:34:16,400 --> 01:34:17,666
Ask him.
2311
01:34:17,667 --> 01:34:18,935
(Crowd gasping)
2312
01:34:18,936 --> 01:34:21,187
- Baby, I'm sorry--
- Oh, you make me sick.
2313
01:34:21,188 --> 01:34:22,738
- Ask him.
- I hate you.
2314
01:34:25,609 --> 01:34:26,526
Ask him.
2315
01:34:26,527 --> 01:34:27,543
I'm gonna kill you!
2316
01:34:27,544 --> 01:34:29,729
I'm gonna kill you!
2317
01:34:29,730 --> 01:34:30,480
I work on referrals.
2318
01:34:30,481 --> 01:34:31,631
Okay.
2319
01:34:32,900 --> 01:34:35,617
You're honestly gonna tell me...
2320
01:34:36,987 --> 01:34:41,390
that you and I, that's nothing?
2321
01:34:41,391 --> 01:34:42,591
That's nothing?
2322
01:34:45,128 --> 01:34:46,762
I'm just a job?
2323
01:34:48,398 --> 01:34:50,032
I need you to tell me.
2324
01:34:50,033 --> 01:34:55,037
Tank, tell me right now
that I'm just a job.
2325
01:34:55,038 --> 01:34:57,173
Tell me to my face--
2326
01:34:57,174 --> 01:34:59,208
You're just a job!
2327
01:35:04,014 --> 01:35:05,431
Just a job.
2328
01:35:05,432 --> 01:35:08,083
I never wanna see you again.
2329
01:35:10,020 --> 01:35:11,721
Yeah.
2330
01:35:11,722 --> 01:35:14,240
Ami: Alexis. Alexis.
2331
01:35:14,241 --> 01:35:15,324
I'm gonna kill you!
2332
01:35:16,143 --> 01:35:17,326
(Crowd gasps)
2333
01:35:24,050 --> 01:35:25,050
All right.
2334
01:35:27,287 --> 01:35:28,621
(Horn honks)
2335
01:35:28,622 --> 01:35:29,955
(Sighs)
2336
01:35:32,626 --> 01:35:34,760
♪ (John Hiatt's "Have a Little
Faith in Me" playing) ♪
2337
01:35:45,005 --> 01:35:46,005
♪ When the road ♪
2338
01:35:46,006 --> 01:35:47,440
Motherfucker.
2339
01:35:47,441 --> 01:35:48,907
♪ Gets dark ♪
2340
01:35:51,578 --> 01:35:55,548
♪ And you can no longer see ♪
2341
01:35:57,217 --> 01:36:01,387
♪ Just let my love throw a spark ♪
2342
01:36:01,388 --> 01:36:03,555
(Cell phone beeps)
2343
01:36:03,556 --> 01:36:07,193
♪ And have a little faith in me... ♪
2344
01:36:07,194 --> 01:36:08,961
(Number auto-dialing)
2345
01:36:08,962 --> 01:36:11,297
Woman, on machine:
You have one new message.
2346
01:36:11,298 --> 01:36:12,598
(Machine beeps)
2347
01:36:12,599 --> 01:36:14,684
Tank, on recording:
Dust, you were right.
2348
01:36:14,685 --> 01:36:18,971
Alexis is an angel, and
she deserves the best.
2349
01:36:21,508 --> 01:36:23,910
And that's you. So I'm sorry
it took so long,
2350
01:36:23,911 --> 01:36:26,528
But I finally did what
you hired me to do.
2351
01:36:26,529 --> 01:36:28,247
I got a bass-ackward way
of showing it,
2352
01:36:28,248 --> 01:36:29,916
but I care about you
more than you know.
2353
01:36:29,917 --> 01:36:32,885
Alexis, on recording:
Tank. Tank! How could you?
2354
01:36:32,886 --> 01:36:35,221
"My ex, Sarah. Cunt."
2355
01:36:35,222 --> 01:36:37,356
♪ Time is a friend ♪
2356
01:36:37,357 --> 01:36:40,193
♪ 'Cause for us there is no end ♪
2357
01:36:40,194 --> 01:36:44,230
♪ And all you gotta do
is have a little faith in me ♪
2358
01:37:08,571 --> 01:37:10,405
Did you love her?
2359
01:37:10,406 --> 01:37:12,908
Do you love her?
That's all I wanna know.
2360
01:37:14,410 --> 01:37:16,812
I don't even know what that means.
2361
01:37:16,813 --> 01:37:20,182
Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I.
2362
01:37:20,183 --> 01:37:23,052
All I know is that me and her
ends up with her hurt.
2363
01:37:23,053 --> 01:37:24,654
It's inevitable.
2364
01:37:24,655 --> 01:37:27,422
Turners and women.
Right, pop?
2365
01:37:27,423 --> 01:37:28,724
Yeah.
2366
01:37:30,894 --> 01:37:33,596
You know, I banged a lot
of women, Sherman.
2367
01:37:33,597 --> 01:37:35,965
I've been banging beautiful women
since back in the day
2368
01:37:35,966 --> 01:37:37,466
when you were laminating pictures
2369
01:37:37,467 --> 01:37:38,834
of 'em in the bathroom.
2370
01:37:38,835 --> 01:37:40,102
So yeah, that's me.
2371
01:37:40,103 --> 01:37:43,339
That's... this guy.
But that ain't you.
2372
01:37:43,340 --> 01:37:44,373
No.
2373
01:37:44,374 --> 01:37:45,775
Last night you proved something
2374
01:37:45,776 --> 01:37:47,143
that I have long feared.
2375
01:37:47,144 --> 01:37:52,465
And that is, you may just
take after your mother.
2376
01:37:54,217 --> 01:37:55,417
Yeah, I can't believe
2377
01:37:55,418 --> 01:37:58,621
you actually tried to
give Alexis up for me.
2378
01:37:58,622 --> 01:37:59,989
I know, dude.
2379
01:37:59,990 --> 01:38:02,057
- That's pretty fucked up, right?
- Yeah.
2380
01:38:02,058 --> 01:38:03,258
I mean, if that's not love...
2381
01:38:04,961 --> 01:38:06,194
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
2382
01:38:07,430 --> 01:38:09,765
I'm sorry. I'm the guy who...
2383
01:38:12,101 --> 01:38:14,670
You were my best friend.
2384
01:38:14,671 --> 01:38:16,304
I still am.
2385
01:38:18,041 --> 01:38:20,342
You guys gonna make out now, huh?
2386
01:38:20,343 --> 01:38:22,110
Go ahead, stick your tongue
in his mouth.
2387
01:38:22,111 --> 01:38:23,378
That'll really clear the air.
2388
01:38:26,299 --> 01:38:27,732
How about a--?
2389
01:38:31,838 --> 01:38:33,305
(Chuckling)
2390
01:38:35,141 --> 01:38:37,109
Look, I know I kind of lost it
there for a while,
2391
01:38:37,110 --> 01:38:39,445
but now I'm seeing things clearly.
2392
01:38:39,446 --> 01:38:40,545
You need to get her back.
2393
01:38:42,182 --> 01:38:43,866
(Exhales)
2394
01:38:43,867 --> 01:38:45,701
- But I don't deserve her.
- No, you d-- Tank.
2395
01:38:45,702 --> 01:38:47,169
If you were willing
to give her up,
2396
01:38:47,170 --> 01:38:48,371
Trust me, you deserve her.
2397
01:38:48,372 --> 01:38:50,606
That's fucked up.
But you're right.
2398
01:38:50,607 --> 01:38:51,841
(Chuckles)
2399
01:38:53,510 --> 01:38:55,878
She's my angel,
and it's time she knew.
2400
01:38:55,879 --> 01:38:58,214
Yes. So, what's stopping you?
2401
01:38:58,215 --> 01:39:00,299
I propositioned her mother
for a blowjob.
2402
01:39:00,300 --> 01:39:01,349
(Laughs)
2403
01:39:01,350 --> 01:39:04,186
Man. That is great.
2404
01:39:04,187 --> 01:39:06,973
That is so great. Yes.
2405
01:39:06,974 --> 01:39:08,741
Tank: Alexis! Alexis, wait.
2406
01:39:08,742 --> 01:39:10,676
♪ (Sweet's "Love is Like Oxygen" playing) ♪
2407
01:39:10,677 --> 01:39:12,211
Alexis.
2408
01:39:12,212 --> 01:39:14,347
Just hear me out, all right?
Listen.
2409
01:39:14,348 --> 01:39:17,183
Nope. Nope. Nope.
2410
01:39:17,184 --> 01:39:18,784
I did it for you.
2411
01:39:18,785 --> 01:39:21,586
I pushed you away because I thought
I didn't deserve you.
2412
01:39:21,587 --> 01:39:25,223
- You don't.
- So I made a mistake.
2413
01:39:25,224 --> 01:39:27,993
- Many.
- I know.
2414
01:39:27,994 --> 01:39:30,395
- I will never do better than you.
- I know.
2415
01:39:30,396 --> 01:39:32,564
- I need you in my life.
- I know.
2416
01:39:32,565 --> 01:39:35,634
- And I wanna apologize.
- I don't want it.
2417
01:39:35,635 --> 01:39:38,303
Good. Because it's not for you.
2418
01:39:38,304 --> 01:39:41,273
I wanna apologize to myself.
2419
01:39:41,274 --> 01:39:44,076
I'm sorry, Tank, that
you blew it with Alexis.
2420
01:39:44,077 --> 01:39:45,628
But you did.
2421
01:39:45,629 --> 01:39:47,679
Yes. Because I thought
that you deserved
2422
01:39:47,680 --> 01:39:49,181
someone better than me, but...
2423
01:39:49,182 --> 01:39:50,549
When I'm with you,
2424
01:39:50,550 --> 01:39:53,151
it's like I'm better than me.
2425
01:39:53,152 --> 01:39:54,303
You're the only person
2426
01:39:54,304 --> 01:39:55,654
that could ever make me do cardio,
2427
01:39:55,655 --> 01:39:57,255
and I hate cardio.
2428
01:39:57,256 --> 01:39:59,457
I wanna faint,
I want a cigarette,
2429
01:39:59,458 --> 01:40:00,959
and I have a massive cramp,
2430
01:40:00,960 --> 01:40:03,529
But I would run a marathon for you.
2431
01:40:03,530 --> 01:40:08,901
♪ Always comes before a fall... ♪
2432
01:40:08,902 --> 01:40:10,236
Okay.
2433
01:40:10,237 --> 01:40:11,370
Ah, fuck me.
2434
01:40:11,371 --> 01:40:13,388
You ruined my sister's wedding.
2435
01:40:13,389 --> 01:40:14,490
But I saved her life.
2436
01:40:14,491 --> 01:40:16,825
That guy was a fucking fuckface.
2437
01:40:16,826 --> 01:40:19,628
You curse incessantly.
2438
01:40:19,629 --> 01:40:21,096
I will never swear again.
2439
01:40:21,097 --> 01:40:22,965
Fuck. Last one.
2440
01:40:22,966 --> 01:40:24,250
My parents hate you.
2441
01:40:24,251 --> 01:40:26,385
Well, they'll come around.
2442
01:40:26,386 --> 01:40:27,886
Except your mother.
2443
01:40:27,887 --> 01:40:28,987
And your dad.
2444
01:40:28,988 --> 01:40:30,172
Your job is a joke.
2445
01:40:30,173 --> 01:40:32,341
A joke? I sell air.
2446
01:40:32,342 --> 01:40:34,025
I do the impossible every day.
2447
01:40:34,026 --> 01:40:35,711
Have you ever even read a book?
2448
01:40:35,712 --> 01:40:38,514
- The Giving Tree.
- And?
2449
01:40:38,515 --> 01:40:40,616
Among others. Countless others.
2450
01:40:40,617 --> 01:40:42,651
- Tank.
- I'll join a book club.
2451
01:40:42,652 --> 01:40:44,152
♪ Love is like oxygen... ♪
2452
01:40:44,153 --> 01:40:45,186
What's the matter?
2453
01:40:45,187 --> 01:40:46,354
You can't keep up?
2454
01:40:47,908 --> 01:40:51,226
Alexis: You are not passionate
about anything.
2455
01:40:51,227 --> 01:40:53,195
Tank: Except you.
I'm passionate about you.
2456
01:40:53,196 --> 01:40:54,563
As evidence, consider the fact
2457
01:40:54,564 --> 01:40:55,564
that I've been running
2458
01:40:55,565 --> 01:40:57,265
for two goddamn hours.
2459
01:40:57,266 --> 01:40:59,168
I need to stop and rest.
2460
01:40:59,169 --> 01:41:01,620
Alexis: You sabotage dates.
You're a professional asshole.
2461
01:41:01,621 --> 01:41:06,208
- That's what you do.
- No. It's what I did.
2462
01:41:06,209 --> 01:41:08,743
Tank. I just don't think
you're the one.
2463
01:41:12,482 --> 01:41:14,616
Not yet. But I'll get there.
2464
01:41:16,185 --> 01:41:18,453
Ha-ha. (Groans)
2465
01:41:25,044 --> 01:41:26,061
(Panting)
2466
01:41:27,597 --> 01:41:28,964
You okay?
2467
01:41:39,642 --> 01:41:40,743
Heh.
2468
01:42:35,632 --> 01:42:37,616
(Piano music playing,
people chattering)
2469
01:42:41,972 --> 01:42:44,289
Without air, we cannot live.
2470
01:42:44,290 --> 01:42:46,508
Hm. (Chuckles)
2471
01:42:46,509 --> 01:42:48,811
I really think those words
resonate with people,
2472
01:42:48,812 --> 01:42:50,262
because...
2473
01:42:50,263 --> 01:42:52,598
They're really true, you know?
2474
01:42:54,751 --> 01:42:55,917
(Chuckles)
2475
01:42:57,988 --> 01:43:00,072
What?
2476
01:43:00,073 --> 01:43:01,207
I thought--
2477
01:43:01,208 --> 01:43:02,541
Thought that was a joke.
2478
01:43:02,542 --> 01:43:05,878
It wasn't. What are
you talking about?
2479
01:43:05,879 --> 01:43:06,945
Nothing.
2480
01:43:06,946 --> 01:43:10,199
Air? Because I don't really think
2481
01:43:10,200 --> 01:43:11,667
there's anything funny about air.
2482
01:43:11,668 --> 01:43:13,035
It's kind of too important.
2483
01:43:14,086 --> 01:43:15,420
Mm-hm.
2484
01:43:15,421 --> 01:43:17,356
♪ (Linda Ronstadt's
"You're No Good" playing) ♪
2485
01:43:21,061 --> 01:43:24,396
♪ You're no good, you're no good,
you're no good ♪
2486
01:43:24,397 --> 01:43:25,847
- Asshole.
- (People gasp)
2487
01:43:25,848 --> 01:43:27,416
♪ You're no good ♪
2488
01:43:29,235 --> 01:43:30,485
- Hi.
- Hi.
2489
01:43:30,486 --> 01:43:31,586
- I'm Alexis.
- Hi.
2490
01:43:31,587 --> 01:43:33,388
Do you wanna know what
this guy did to me?
2491
01:43:33,389 --> 01:43:35,390
He humiliated me.
He embarrassed me.
2492
01:43:35,391 --> 01:43:36,625
- He literally--
- Alexis.
2493
01:43:36,626 --> 01:43:37,859
I'm having a conversation!
2494
01:43:37,860 --> 01:43:39,227
I'm having a conversation.
2495
01:43:39,228 --> 01:43:40,595
It's with her, it's not with you.
2496
01:43:42,298 --> 01:43:44,666
What this guy did to me
makes me sick every day.
2497
01:43:44,667 --> 01:43:46,619
Physically ill.
2498
01:43:46,620 --> 01:43:49,255
But is that, like, lovesickness
or, like, hate sickness?
2499
01:43:49,256 --> 01:43:51,206
- No, it's like morning sickness.
- What?
2500
01:43:52,742 --> 01:43:56,778
Yeah, I'm pregnant. Okay?
So I'm sorry.
2501
01:43:56,779 --> 01:43:58,780
Makes me a little emotional.
2502
01:43:58,781 --> 01:43:59,882
You're pregnant?
2503
01:43:59,883 --> 01:44:02,718
Yes, I'm fucking pregnant!
2504
01:44:02,719 --> 01:44:04,670
I probably should go.
2505
01:44:04,671 --> 01:44:06,371
But h-how? I-it's--
2506
01:44:07,607 --> 01:44:09,474
How do you think?
2507
01:44:09,475 --> 01:44:11,042
That's right, everybody.
2508
01:44:11,043 --> 01:44:12,243
This...
2509
01:44:12,244 --> 01:44:15,314
asshole got me pregnant.
2510
01:44:15,315 --> 01:44:17,148
I definitely think I should go.
2511
01:44:17,149 --> 01:44:19,652
Okay, I didn't know.
I didn't know.
2512
01:44:19,653 --> 01:44:21,487
You think that's bad...
2513
01:44:21,488 --> 01:44:23,455
You should hear what
this guy did to my sister.
2514
01:44:23,456 --> 01:44:25,874
Alexis, I've apologized
a million times.
2515
01:44:25,875 --> 01:44:28,210
- He got her pregnant too.
- (Crowd gasps)
2516
01:44:28,211 --> 01:44:32,097
So there's two of us having
a baby together, abou--
2517
01:44:32,098 --> 01:44:35,134
about three and a half weeks apart.
2518
01:44:35,135 --> 01:44:38,237
Well, it was dark, I was drunk,
and I thought it was you.
2519
01:44:38,238 --> 01:44:39,504
Right?
2520
01:44:44,010 --> 01:44:46,445
I'm gonna go now.
It was nice meeting you.
2521
01:44:47,513 --> 01:44:48,746
Yeah. Nice to meet you too.
2522
01:44:50,900 --> 01:44:52,434
What's going on here?
2523
01:44:52,435 --> 01:44:55,637
Oh. Oh, I'm just saving another girl
2524
01:44:55,638 --> 01:44:57,672
from the worst sex she'll
ever have in her life.
2525
01:44:57,673 --> 01:44:59,174
(Woman laughing)
2526
01:45:03,146 --> 01:45:05,748
Well, your mother never complained.
2527
01:45:05,749 --> 01:45:07,499
(Crowd gasps)
2528
01:45:07,500 --> 01:45:11,469
You wanna know why I didn't
return your e-mails?
2529
01:45:11,470 --> 01:45:13,072
Your pathetic calls?
2530
01:45:14,357 --> 01:45:17,392
You are unattractive.
I said it.
2531
01:45:18,444 --> 01:45:20,595
Tsk. I'm not attractive.
2532
01:45:20,596 --> 01:45:21,864
Well, let's put it this way,
2533
01:45:21,865 --> 01:45:23,232
I would kick your ass right now,
2534
01:45:23,233 --> 01:45:25,217
but my foot might get sucked in.
2535
01:45:25,218 --> 01:45:26,985
Uh-oh.
2536
01:45:26,986 --> 01:45:28,253
I'd kick your dick right now,
2537
01:45:28,254 --> 01:45:30,555
but my foot might get herpes.
2538
01:45:30,556 --> 01:45:31,890
(People tittering)
2539
01:45:31,891 --> 01:45:35,076
Well, you know, you can stop
trying to be clever, Alexis.
2540
01:45:35,077 --> 01:45:38,981
The funniest thing that'll
ever come out of you is me.
2541
01:45:38,982 --> 01:45:41,383
All right, Tank.
2542
01:45:41,384 --> 01:45:42,818
You got the best joke here.
2543
01:45:44,821 --> 01:45:46,621
And it's in your pants.
2544
01:45:48,525 --> 01:45:51,142
♪ (The Cars'
"My Best Friend's Girl" playing) ♪
2545
01:45:57,250 --> 01:45:58,500
I hate you.
2546
01:45:58,501 --> 01:46:00,469
- I hate you too.
- Oh, baby.
2547
01:46:00,470 --> 01:46:02,187
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2548
01:46:02,188 --> 01:46:04,690
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2549
01:46:04,691 --> 01:46:07,276
(People applauding, cheering)
2550
01:46:07,277 --> 01:46:10,479
♪ She'll make you flip ♪
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2551
01:46:10,480 --> 01:46:14,382
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2552
01:46:14,383 --> 01:46:16,718
♪ I kind of like the way she dips ♪
2553
01:46:19,755 --> 01:46:21,924
♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl ♪
2554
01:46:23,526 --> 01:46:25,894
♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl ♪
2555
01:46:27,663 --> 01:46:29,164
♪ She's my best friend's... ♪
2556
01:46:29,165 --> 01:46:30,982
M.
2557
01:46:30,983 --> 01:46:32,050
S at the bar.
2558
01:46:32,051 --> 01:46:33,618
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
2559
01:46:33,619 --> 01:46:34,820
Stay with me.
2560
01:46:34,821 --> 01:46:37,556
Stay with me.
Because a bona fide vitamin C
2561
01:46:37,557 --> 01:46:40,024
is eye-fucking your shit
as we speak.
2562
01:46:40,025 --> 01:46:42,994
D-d-d-d-don't do that.
2563
01:46:42,995 --> 01:46:45,330
You just choked harder
than Bill Buckner.
2564
01:46:45,331 --> 01:46:47,732
For god's sakes.
That's not cool.
2565
01:46:47,733 --> 01:46:49,617
♪ (Jean Knight's "Do Me" playing) ♪
2566
01:46:50,903 --> 01:46:53,038
♪ Love me, boy... ♪
2567
01:46:53,039 --> 01:46:54,339
(Sighs)
2568
01:46:56,743 --> 01:46:58,777
Can I buy you a drink?
2569
01:46:58,778 --> 01:47:01,013
♪ Do me, like a nasty man ♪
2570
01:47:01,014 --> 01:47:02,213
Fuck it.
2571
01:47:03,282 --> 01:47:04,315
♪ This ain't nothing ♪
2572
01:47:04,316 --> 01:47:05,950
Wait--
wait, I am...
2573
01:47:05,951 --> 01:47:07,552
What?
2574
01:47:07,553 --> 01:47:09,371
Okay.
2575
01:47:09,372 --> 01:47:11,139
Look, I gotta warn you.
2576
01:47:11,140 --> 01:47:12,974
♪ Let me show you what
it's gonna bring ♪
2577
01:47:12,975 --> 01:47:14,276
I'm no angel.
2578
01:47:14,277 --> 01:47:16,511
♪ Do me, baby ♪
2579
01:47:16,512 --> 01:47:17,428
♪ Do me like you wanna ♪
2580
01:47:17,429 --> 01:47:20,249
♪ Do me like you wanna ♪
2581
01:47:20,250 --> 01:47:22,267
♪ Do me, baby ♪
2582
01:47:22,268 --> 01:47:23,719
♪ Do me if you're gonna ♪
2583
01:47:23,720 --> 01:47:25,721
- Neither am I.
- ♪ Do me if you're gonna ♪
2584
01:47:25,722 --> 01:47:27,488
♪ Pop that thing ♪
2585
01:47:29,242 --> 01:47:30,408
♪ Turn it loose ♪
2586
01:47:30,409 --> 01:47:31,843
Jesus.
2587
01:47:31,844 --> 01:47:34,429
♪ Don't stop now ♪
2588
01:47:34,430 --> 01:47:35,396
♪ Or there ain't no use ♪
2589
01:47:35,397 --> 01:47:36,899
So...
2590
01:47:36,900 --> 01:47:39,684
♪ Do me, baby ♪
2591
01:47:39,685 --> 01:47:41,152
♪ Do me like you wanna ♪
2592
01:47:41,153 --> 01:47:42,988
♪ Do me like you wanna ♪
2593
01:47:42,989 --> 01:47:44,323
♪ Do me... ♪
2594
01:47:44,324 --> 01:47:47,559
♪ (The Cars'
"My Best Friend's Girl") ♪
2595
01:47:59,339 --> 01:48:02,140
♪ You're always dancing
down the street ♪
2596
01:48:02,141 --> 01:48:05,010
♪ With your suede blue eyes ♪
2597
01:48:07,914 --> 01:48:11,316
♪ And very new boy that you meet ♪
2598
01:48:11,317 --> 01:48:14,119
♪ Doesn't know the real surprise ♪
2599
01:48:15,688 --> 01:48:17,856
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2600
01:48:17,857 --> 01:48:21,493
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2601
01:48:21,494 --> 01:48:23,695
♪ Ooh, she'll make you flip ♪
2602
01:48:23,696 --> 01:48:25,864
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2603
01:48:25,865 --> 01:48:29,868
♪ when she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2604
01:48:29,869 --> 01:48:32,504
♪ I kinda like the way she dips ♪
2605
01:48:35,074 --> 01:48:37,342
♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl ♪
2606
01:48:39,012 --> 01:48:41,346
♪ well, she's my best friend's girl ♪
2607
01:48:43,349 --> 01:48:45,417
♪ But she used to be mine ♪
2608
01:48:52,158 --> 01:48:55,360
♪ You got your nuclear boots ♪
2609
01:48:55,361 --> 01:48:57,462
♪ And your drip-dry glove ♪
2610
01:49:00,366 --> 01:49:03,035
♪ Ooh, when you bite your lip ♪
2611
01:49:03,036 --> 01:49:07,639
♪ It's a reaction to
the love-a-ove-a-ove ♪
2612
01:49:07,640 --> 01:49:10,008
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2613
01:49:10,009 --> 01:49:14,246
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2614
01:49:14,247 --> 01:49:16,014
♪ Yeah, I think you'll flip ♪
2615
01:49:16,015 --> 01:49:18,083
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2616
01:49:18,084 --> 01:49:20,085
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2617
01:49:20,086 --> 01:49:22,020
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2618
01:49:22,021 --> 01:49:25,290
♪ I kinda like the way
like the way she dips ♪
2619
01:49:26,926 --> 01:49:29,161
♪ 'Cause she's my best friend's girl ♪
2620
01:49:30,930 --> 01:49:33,197
♪ Well, she's my best friend's girl-irl ♪
2621
01:49:35,201 --> 01:49:37,302
♪ And she used to be mine ♪
2622
01:49:39,705 --> 01:49:41,739
♪ She's so fine ♪
2623
01:50:03,729 --> 01:50:06,998
♪ Always dancing down the street ♪
2624
01:50:06,999 --> 01:50:09,667
♪ With your suede blue eye-eyes ♪
2625
01:50:11,737 --> 01:50:15,407
♪ And every new boy that you meet ♪
2626
01:50:15,408 --> 01:50:18,110
♪ Doesn't know the real surprise ♪
2627
01:50:19,212 --> 01:50:21,413
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2628
01:50:21,414 --> 01:50:23,281
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2629
01:50:23,282 --> 01:50:25,783
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2630
01:50:25,784 --> 01:50:27,419
♪ Oh, she'll make you flip ♪
2631
01:50:27,420 --> 01:50:29,654
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2632
01:50:29,655 --> 01:50:31,589
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2633
01:50:31,590 --> 01:50:33,691
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2634
01:50:33,692 --> 01:50:36,628
♪ I kinda like the way
I like the way she dips ♪
2635
01:50:38,264 --> 01:50:40,665
♪ 'Cause she's my best friend's girl ♪
2636
01:50:42,468 --> 01:50:46,338
♪ She's my best friend's girl-irl-uh-irl ♪
2637
01:50:46,339 --> 01:50:48,606
♪ And she used to be mine ♪
2638
01:50:51,210 --> 01:50:53,211
♪ She's so fine ♪
2639
01:51:15,301 --> 01:51:18,370
♪ Always dancing down the street ♪
2640
01:51:18,371 --> 01:51:21,306
♪ With your suede blue eye-eyes ♪
2641
01:51:23,109 --> 01:51:26,811
♪ And every new boy that you meet ♪
2642
01:51:26,812 --> 01:51:29,514
♪ Doesn't know the real surprise ♪
2643
01:51:30,916 --> 01:51:32,951
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2644
01:51:32,952 --> 01:51:35,087
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2645
01:51:35,088 --> 01:51:37,322
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2646
01:51:37,323 --> 01:51:39,091
♪ Oh, she'll make you flip ♪
2647
01:51:39,092 --> 01:51:40,992
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2648
01:51:40,993 --> 01:51:42,860
♪ When she's dancing 'neath
the starry sky ♪
2649
01:51:42,861 --> 01:51:44,796
♪ Here she comes again ♪
2650
01:51:44,797 --> 01:51:48,032
♪ I kinda like the way
I like the way she dips ♪
2651
01:51:49,635 --> 01:51:51,970
♪ 'Cause she's my best friend's girl ♪
2652
01:51:54,006 --> 01:51:57,909
♪ She's my best friend's girl-irl-uh-irl ♪
2653
01:51:57,910 --> 01:52:00,378
♪ And she used to be mine ♪
2654
01:52:00,379 --> 01:52:02,914
♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪
2655
01:52:02,915 --> 01:52:04,149
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
2656
01:52:04,150 --> 01:52:06,017
♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪
2657
01:52:06,018 --> 01:52:08,286
♪ Said she used to be mine ♪
2658
01:52:08,287 --> 01:52:09,954
♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪
2659
01:52:09,955 --> 01:52:12,123
♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
2660
01:52:12,124 --> 01:52:13,441
♪ My best friend's girlfriend ♪
2661
01:52:13,442 --> 01:52:15,227
♪ She used to be... ♪