1 00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,633 You know the saying, 2 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:08,819 "Walk a mile in a man's shoes"? 3 00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:10,219 I mean, think about that. 4 00:00:10,261 --> 00:00:12,138 The perspective that gives you. 5 00:00:12,179 --> 00:00:15,141 Well, I took it to heart, put on a pair of my husband's shoes, 6 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:17,560 and, my God, were they comfortable. 7 00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,895 I get it now, why men rule the world... 8 00:00:19,937 --> 00:00:21,230 no high heels. 9 00:00:21,272 --> 00:00:23,232 They can walk faster, 10 00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:24,900 and their backs don't hurt. 11 00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:26,569 I'm divorcing my husband, 12 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:29,321 but I am keeping the fucking shoes. 13 00:00:29,363 --> 00:00:31,157 Thank you, everybody. 14 00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:33,743 I'm Mrs. Maisel. I'm on the road the next few days, 15 00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,745 but, unlike your innocence, I'll be back. 16 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:38,038 Good night! 17 00:00:40,249 --> 00:00:41,876 Great set. 18 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,544 Hey, thanks. 19 00:00:43,586 --> 00:00:45,063 I can never tell if they're talking about the boobs 20 00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,465 - or the comedy. - That guy was a dancer in Pal Joey. 21 00:00:47,506 --> 00:00:49,216 He wasn't talking about your boobs. 22 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,552 - Hi. - Hi there. 23 00:00:51,594 --> 00:00:54,138 - Uh, what is she doing? - I don't know. 24 00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:56,724 Ooh. It's a pen. 25 00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:59,018 - Oh, she wants your autograph. - Really? 26 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,770 Wow. 27 00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:03,647 This is really cool. 28 00:01:04,690 --> 00:01:05,649 How's it look? 29 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:06,942 Lose the heart. 30 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:08,211 Really? Doesn't make it stand out? 31 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:09,796 No, it makes it look like a third grader signed it. 32 00:01:09,820 --> 00:01:11,489 Okay. 33 00:01:12,740 --> 00:01:14,533 Here. 34 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,118 And thanks. 35 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:17,745 Thank you. 36 00:01:19,038 --> 00:01:20,831 I just signed my first autograph. 37 00:01:20,873 --> 00:01:22,416 - And check this out. - Hmm. 38 00:01:22,458 --> 00:01:24,418 Our first road itinerary. Let's go over it. 39 00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:25,920 Not necessary, I know it by heart. 40 00:01:25,961 --> 00:01:27,421 Days one and two, D.C. 41 00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:28,672 Day three, Philly. 42 00:01:28,714 --> 00:01:30,257 Day four, Harrisburg. 43 00:01:30,299 --> 00:01:33,010 Day five, back home for the gig at the new club on 23rd. 44 00:01:33,052 --> 00:01:35,679 Oh. Okay. I mean, I typed it up all fancy. 45 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:37,765 One for each of us. Even fixed my "S" key. 46 00:01:37,807 --> 00:01:39,701 - But you don't need it. - No, no, no, let me see it. 47 00:01:39,725 --> 00:01:42,061 - I'll just use it as toilet paper. - Let me see it. 48 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:45,481 - You spelled "itinerary" wrong. - Damn. 49 00:01:45,523 --> 00:01:46,982 It's impressive. 50 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,734 Just remember the most important part: 51 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,069 day one, tomorrow, 52 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,154 depart New York City 1:30 p.m. sharp. 53 00:01:52,196 --> 00:01:54,073 - Got it? - I will not be late. 54 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:57,243 Okay, I got Montana, 55 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,829 North Carolina, Utah, 56 00:01:59,870 --> 00:02:01,664 - Wisconsin... - We'll do this later, Jackie. 57 00:02:01,705 --> 00:02:02,832 Do what? What is this? 58 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,458 The plates for you to switch on the car. 59 00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,894 Why are we switching the plates on the car? 60 00:02:05,918 --> 00:02:07,753 Well, it-it's technically stolen. 61 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:09,022 There's nothing technical about it. 62 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,381 It's fucking stolen. 63 00:02:10,422 --> 00:02:12,466 I like Utah. They'll think you're Mormon 64 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,677 and leave you alone. I mean, no one talks to Mormons 65 00:02:14,718 --> 00:02:15,928 unless they have to. 66 00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,530 - You said it's your mother's car. - It is. 67 00:02:17,555 --> 00:02:19,265 You stole your mother's car? 68 00:02:19,306 --> 00:02:21,267 Hey, she stole my childhood. I think we're even. 69 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:22,953 What if we're pulled over and they run our plates? 70 00:02:22,977 --> 00:02:24,854 - I'll handle it. - Great plan. 71 00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,106 We'll just cross our fingers and hope for the best. 72 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,774 It's how I live my life... 73 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:31,151 just sort of half-assed and completely random. 74 00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:32,820 I want no part of this, okay? 75 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:34,989 Fine. Have no part of it. 76 00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,407 Take Wyoming. 77 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:37,825 Wyoming? Why? 78 00:02:37,867 --> 00:02:40,244 Wyoming's full of cowboys and tough hombres, 79 00:02:40,286 --> 00:02:41,763 and cops are less likely to pull us over 80 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,330 'cause they won't want to mess with us. 81 00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:45,457 Plus, it's got a horse, and I like the horse. 82 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,667 I had a feeling that was it. 83 00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:48,335 So, 1:30 tomorrow. 84 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:50,504 1:30. See ya, partner. 85 00:02:50,546 --> 00:02:53,007 Pew, pew. 86 00:02:53,048 --> 00:02:54,258 Lose Wyoming. 87 00:03:00,598 --> 00:03:03,809 ♪ Dickie the duck went out walking one day ♪ 88 00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:07,980 ♪ He wanted some ducks to come over and play ♪ 89 00:03:08,022 --> 00:03:10,983 ♪ He quack, quack, quack, quacked as he waddled along ♪ 90 00:03:11,025 --> 00:03:12,568 You tire of Chopin? 91 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:15,571 No, I like Chopin very much. 92 00:03:15,613 --> 00:03:17,239 What are you doing? 93 00:03:17,281 --> 00:03:19,992 Working. Or trying to. 94 00:03:20,034 --> 00:03:22,411 You do know that's Ethan's record. 95 00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:25,623 Hence the references to "Ducky Waddles ha ha ha." 96 00:03:25,664 --> 00:03:27,833 Don't you have some dirty jokes 97 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,501 - to go tell? - Told 'em. 98 00:03:29,543 --> 00:03:31,211 So, whatcha doin'? 99 00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:33,923 Our Bell Labs speech synthesis team 100 00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,799 is going to be the first in the world 101 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,177 to teach a computer to sing. 102 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,512 But I need to find precisely the right song. 103 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:44,350 It has to have a simple melody with a maximum one-octave range 104 00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:48,020 and, ideally, very few diphthongs in the lyrics. 105 00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:50,105 Ethan's records are perfect. 106 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,899 You're not gonna want that one. 107 00:03:51,941 --> 00:03:53,192 It's just barnyard sounds. 108 00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,401 Oh. 109 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:56,862 I signed my first autograph tonight. 110 00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,115 A complete stranger asked you to put your signature down 111 00:04:00,157 --> 00:04:02,201 on a piece of paper and you did it? 112 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,370 Yes. She was very excited, too. 113 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,246 Well, of course she was. 114 00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:09,249 Now she can forge your signature on a check. 115 00:04:10,459 --> 00:04:13,837 It was a really good show tonight. 116 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:17,007 You know, when you saw me at the Concord, 117 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:21,011 it wasn't exactly my regular act, Papa. 118 00:04:21,053 --> 00:04:23,931 I saw you, and... I got nervous. 119 00:04:23,973 --> 00:04:25,140 You made me nervous. 120 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,976 And that made you vulgar? 121 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,727 No. I just... 122 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,397 I have a gig in the city when I get back. 123 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:34,483 Nearby. Nice club. 124 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,360 Maybe you'd like to come. 125 00:04:36,402 --> 00:04:38,696 - It's too far. - Nearby is too far? 126 00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:40,406 I mean I'm very busy. 127 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,741 I just think if you saw me at a normal gig, 128 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,493 you might feel better about it. 129 00:04:44,535 --> 00:04:46,161 Don't worry about me. 130 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:48,247 How about Mama? How's she feeling? 131 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,916 Marry Benjamin, and everything will be fine. 132 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,519 I don't know if I'm going to marry Benjamin. 133 00:04:52,543 --> 00:04:54,461 Marry somebody, and everything will be fine. 134 00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:55,879 - Okay. - To be clear, 135 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:58,298 I mean marry somebody at city hall. 136 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,300 I'm not going to pay for fake snow 137 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,302 and papier-mâché reindeer again. 138 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:04,722 $400 for embroidered yarmulkes 139 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:06,890 that say "Midge and Joel forever." 140 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,143 Explain that to an orphan. 141 00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:11,186 If I see one, I will. 142 00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,231 I'm sorry, Papa. 143 00:05:14,273 --> 00:05:17,860 I know that all this stuff with me, with Noah... 144 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,361 Miriam, please, 145 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:20,863 I have no time to concern myself 146 00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,948 with my children's feckless behavior. 147 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,368 I'm a man of science, engaged in complex research 148 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:27,870 at the highest levels 149 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:31,665 on incredibly important scientific matters. 150 00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:37,880 ♪ I went to the bathroom by myself ♪ 151 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:42,509 ♪ Big, big boy went by himself ♪ 152 00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,511 ♪ I took some paper ♪ 153 00:05:44,553 --> 00:05:46,513 ♪ Wiped myself ♪ 154 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:50,726 ♪ Wiped his bottom by himself ♪ 155 00:05:50,768 --> 00:05:53,395 There's a fair amount that works in this one. 156 00:05:53,437 --> 00:05:57,232 Unfortunately, computers don't use the bathroom. 157 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:58,650 Yet. 158 00:05:58,692 --> 00:06:01,278 ♪ I went to the bathroom ♪ 159 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,364 - ♪ By myself ♪ - ♪ Big... ♪ 160 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,551 I have no idea what to get. I haven't been out of the house 161 00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,368 in a month. Archie's mother keeps sending us 162 00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:10,579 corned beef and cabbage. The whole apartment building 163 00:06:10,621 --> 00:06:11,830 smells like Downtown Dublin. 164 00:06:11,872 --> 00:06:13,600 Well, order as much as you want. It's all on me. 165 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:16,710 This is a purely guilt-motivated "I'm sorry" lunch. 166 00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:18,879 I love your quaint Jewish traditions. 167 00:06:18,921 --> 00:06:21,131 - Ooh, who's that? - Oscar Udenosky. 168 00:06:21,173 --> 00:06:23,050 - Is he famous? - He's a dentist. 169 00:06:23,092 --> 00:06:25,052 Oh. I thought he was famous. 170 00:06:25,094 --> 00:06:26,053 What's kishka? 171 00:06:26,095 --> 00:06:27,221 Jewish haggis. 172 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,556 No, thank you. Oh, who's that? 173 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,391 - Bertha Frisk. - Is she famous? 174 00:06:31,433 --> 00:06:33,286 She's the bingo queen of St. Mary's. Does that count? 175 00:06:33,310 --> 00:06:35,163 I thought there were going to be famous people here. 176 00:06:35,187 --> 00:06:36,814 It is called the Stage Deli, 177 00:06:36,855 --> 00:06:39,274 not the Boring Everyone Normal Eats Here Deli. 178 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,336 - Couldn't get all those letters on the sign. - I was hoping it would be 179 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:42,754 like when Lucy went to the Brown Derby 180 00:06:42,778 --> 00:06:44,255 and saw William Holden and got so nervous 181 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:45,590 she buttered her hand instead of her bread. 182 00:06:45,614 --> 00:06:47,157 I can see a dentist at Lindy's. 183 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:48,992 I need some excitement. 184 00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:50,410 Excitement. Okay. 185 00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:54,373 Oh. See that guy over there in the gray suit? 186 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,792 Marty Segal. Yesterday, he scored his first Copa gig. 187 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,877 - Big, big deal. - Huh. 188 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:00,295 He just spilled coffee on his suit. 189 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,797 Does the Copa know about that? 190 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:03,423 That may be his opening bit. 191 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,218 Gregory Peck came in once. 192 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,386 - He did? - Came in 193 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,762 and ate lunch. Right over there. 194 00:07:08,804 --> 00:07:10,514 No. Are you lying? Never mind. 195 00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:12,850 Don't care. I love Gregory Peck. 196 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:14,143 Congratulations on the Copa. 197 00:07:14,184 --> 00:07:15,644 Put some club soda on that, Marty. 198 00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:17,271 What can I get for you two? 199 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:18,856 Oh, shoot. I haven't finished looking. 200 00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:21,608 Allow me. Verla, my dear friend Imogene here 201 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:23,527 will have the hot pastrami Reuben on rye, 202 00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,863 chicken in a pot, potato knish, 203 00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:28,031 matzo ball soup, cheese Danish, 204 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:30,051 a lime rickey, and a couple of black-and-whites for dessert. 205 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,452 - And some Bromo-Seltzer to go? - You bet. 206 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:34,037 Coming right up. 207 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:35,789 That's exactly what Gregory Peck ordered. 208 00:07:35,831 --> 00:07:37,374 No. Are you lying? Never mind. 209 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,042 Don't care. This is so exciting. 210 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,794 - Hey, Midge. - Hey, Eugene. 211 00:07:40,836 --> 00:07:42,171 How'd the Florida gig go? 212 00:07:42,212 --> 00:07:43,481 I did ten minutes on bad shellfish. 213 00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:45,090 The place went nuts. 214 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,051 Oh, you never told me Grace Kelly was your friend. 215 00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,095 Easy, boy. Those tits are just temporary. 216 00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:51,847 Oh, sorry. 217 00:07:51,889 --> 00:07:53,557 Congratulations. 218 00:07:57,311 --> 00:08:00,814 - What? - I can't believe what you said. In a restaurant. 219 00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:02,816 Oh, he's a comic. Th-That's just how we talk. 220 00:08:02,858 --> 00:08:05,044 It's just I've never heard you... Oh, my. He looked at my... 221 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,462 He didn't mean anything by it except that your boobs 222 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:08,739 are enormous. And they are. Mazel tov. 223 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,240 Oh, my God. A man looked at my... 224 00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:11,801 I should tell Archie. Should I tell Archie? 225 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:12,993 Deep breaths, honey. 226 00:08:13,035 --> 00:08:14,554 And I have never heard you talk like that before. 227 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:16,038 - I'm sorry. - Midge, 228 00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,140 you cannot do that at my shower. 229 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,208 If my mother heard you say T-I-T-S, 230 00:08:19,249 --> 00:08:20,969 she would... well, she might not do anything 231 00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:22,145 because she won't know what you're talking about, 232 00:08:22,169 --> 00:08:23,754 - but please don't. - Imogene, 233 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:26,131 I promise, I am throwing the most beautiful baby shower 234 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:27,966 in the world for my very best friend. 235 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,053 And, I promise, I will be on my very best behavior. 236 00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:34,139 Okay. Okay. 237 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:35,825 So, did Gregory Peck really eat over there? 238 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,227 And Cary Grant joined him for dessert. 239 00:08:40,646 --> 00:08:43,023 This car is unkempt, to say the least. 240 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:44,775 Hey, lady, I could use another hand. 241 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:47,361 I have to make sure nothing back here gets crushed and wrinkled. 242 00:08:47,402 --> 00:08:49,780 Who knows if they have irons where we're headed? 243 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:51,782 Ah! Motherfucker! 244 00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:54,201 Fuck my mother! 245 00:08:54,243 --> 00:08:55,410 Hey, what the hell? 246 00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:56,828 Oh. Did you need that? 247 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:57,913 That's my shit. 248 00:08:57,955 --> 00:08:59,039 - It is? In that? - Yes. 249 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,099 Just because it's not wrapped 250 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:01,500 in a pink box like some party cake 251 00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:02,751 doesn't make it garbage. 252 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:03,752 Why didn't you bring a suitcase? 253 00:09:03,794 --> 00:09:04,795 I don't have one. 254 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,088 What do you use for vacations? 255 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,506 - My imagination? - Sorry, 256 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,608 I thought your stuff was packed 257 00:09:08,632 --> 00:09:09,692 in the little suitcase in the back. 258 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,593 Ah. The suitcase thing's a tape recorder. 259 00:09:11,635 --> 00:09:13,345 I'm gonna tape all your road sets 260 00:09:13,387 --> 00:09:15,013 so we can study 'em when we get back. 261 00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:16,682 - That's a great idea. - Thanks. 262 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,523 Here's another one. Stop sounding so surprised 263 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,768 when I have a great idea. 264 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:21,270 Now, please, just hold the plate up. 265 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:22,896 - The screw won't go in. - No way. 266 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:25,232 I have two priors. I can't risk another arrest. 267 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:27,484 Never mind. Just go over your set for tonight. 268 00:09:27,526 --> 00:09:30,153 Oh, I have been. Do you think I can do the bit 269 00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,571 about Eisenhower's penis in D.C. 270 00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,240 or will the Secret Service not like it? 271 00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:35,951 - I could say "sausage." - Eh, they'll know you mean "penis." 272 00:09:35,993 --> 00:09:37,762 Maybe I'll say "penis" but not "Eisenhower's penis." 273 00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,806 I'll put "Eisenhower's penis" in the Philadelphia set. 274 00:09:39,830 --> 00:09:43,333 I think Eisenhower's penis is a slam dunk wherever you put it. 275 00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:46,295 Okay. 276 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,713 America, here we come. 277 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,339 Great. Lift your ass. 278 00:09:49,381 --> 00:09:50,966 - I'm sorry? - You got to lift your ass 279 00:09:51,008 --> 00:09:52,652 - or the car won't start. - Are you kidding me? 280 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:54,136 - No. - Why? 281 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,555 Am I a mechanic? Just pick it up so we can go. 282 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,140 I do a version of this 283 00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,409 in my Helena Rubinstein class. 284 00:09:59,433 --> 00:10:01,393 Good for the thighs. 285 00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,312 - Can I put my butt down now? - Almost. 286 00:10:03,353 --> 00:10:05,564 - The car's moving. - Few more seconds. 287 00:10:05,605 --> 00:10:07,399 You're just screwing with me now, aren't you? 288 00:10:07,441 --> 00:10:10,402 Yep. The Eisenhower penis tour has begun. 289 00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:12,904 Mm. 290 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:15,866 ♪ I'm gonna ♪ 291 00:10:15,907 --> 00:10:17,826 ♪ Live till I die ♪ 292 00:10:17,868 --> 00:10:20,829 ♪ I'm gonna laugh 'stead of cry ♪ 293 00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:23,832 ♪ I'm gonna take the town and turn it upside down ♪ 294 00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:26,418 ♪ I'm gonna live, live, live till I die ♪ 295 00:10:26,460 --> 00:10:27,753 ♪ They're gonna say ♪ 296 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:30,839 Is Senator Kennedy running for president, do we think? 297 00:10:30,881 --> 00:10:32,674 It's up to Jackie. 298 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:35,177 You know she wears the pants in that family. 299 00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:38,096 And she wears them well. Seriously, 300 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,891 have you seen how easily that woman wears linen pants? 301 00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,559 Linen. The material that wrinkles 302 00:10:42,601 --> 00:10:44,394 while you're ironing it. 303 00:10:44,436 --> 00:10:48,398 I believe the Kennedys will stand up for Americans. 304 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:50,501 Because, really, if Jackie sits down for ten seconds, 305 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,943 that whole outfit goes to shit. 306 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:54,613 I hope he runs, 307 00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,882 because he'll restore the science funding 308 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,074 that Eisenhower cut. 309 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,617 Science is big in my family 310 00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,078 because my father works at Bell Labs. 311 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:03,497 And I was very excited when he got this job. 312 00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:07,584 The greatest scientific minds in the world all in one building, 313 00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:09,669 solving the world's problems. 314 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,189 I came home the other day and found him listening 315 00:11:11,213 --> 00:11:12,464 to my four-year-old's record, 316 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:14,025 a song about teaching yourself how to wipe your ass 317 00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:15,842 after going to the bathroom. 318 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:17,886 He told me he's listening to it because at work, 319 00:11:17,928 --> 00:11:19,930 they're trying to teach a computer to sing. 320 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:22,015 And I believed him at the time, 321 00:11:22,057 --> 00:11:23,683 but now I'm wondering: 322 00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,977 does my father not know how to go to the bathroom? 323 00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:29,981 And if that's true, who taught me? 324 00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:32,442 Because my mother never goes to the bathroom. Or eats. Or... 325 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:33,735 Fire! 326 00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:35,612 Fire in the kitchen! Everybody out! 327 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:38,323 - To the exits, now! Go, go! - What? Why? 328 00:11:38,365 --> 00:11:39,449 What-What's going on? 329 00:11:39,491 --> 00:11:40,593 There's a fire. Everybody out. 330 00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:42,702 Move to the exits, now! Go! 331 00:11:42,744 --> 00:11:44,913 Okay, folks, I guess everybody's supposed to leave. 332 00:11:44,955 --> 00:11:47,207 - No! Keep talking! - Are you not hearing me? 333 00:11:47,249 --> 00:11:49,626 - There's a fire in the kitchen! - Well, of course there is. 334 00:11:49,668 --> 00:11:51,169 It's how you fuckin' cook things. 335 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,647 I'm Mrs. Maisel. Thank you. Good night. 336 00:11:52,671 --> 00:11:54,798 If you catch on fire, stop, drop and roll. 337 00:11:54,840 --> 00:11:57,068 You have water in that kitchen? You can put fire out with water. 338 00:11:57,092 --> 00:11:58,444 - You know that, right? - Susie, please. I've got 339 00:11:58,468 --> 00:11:59,904 a lot of flammable product in my hair. 340 00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:01,304 We'll die if we just stand here. 341 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,849 - So you die on stage. What a way to go. - Move! 342 00:12:03,890 --> 00:12:07,102 - Aw, come on, it hasn't even hit this room yet. - It will. 343 00:12:13,817 --> 00:12:16,403 - Huh. - I told you it wasn't gonna be The Ritz. 344 00:12:16,445 --> 00:12:17,654 It's fine. 345 00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:19,739 Big enough. Clean-ish. 346 00:12:21,283 --> 00:12:22,784 Drawers open. 347 00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:24,369 Lights light. 348 00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:26,746 There's the parking lot, so we can watch the car. 349 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,373 Hi, car. 350 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,959 It's good. Guess we share the dresser. 351 00:12:31,001 --> 00:12:33,420 How many drawers do you think you'll need? 352 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:38,925 Looks like one. 353 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,095 Then I'll make do with the other five. 354 00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:44,556 Hey, you put coins in the TV. 355 00:12:44,598 --> 00:12:46,808 Are you not having fun? 356 00:12:46,850 --> 00:12:48,560 I just wanted you to finish your set. 357 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,061 I know. I was on fire. 358 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,688 And then the place was, too. 359 00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,732 - Maybe I set the fire. - On the bright side, 360 00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,400 the guy paid us the whole take. 361 00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,242 Plus we got out before the building collapsed. 362 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,112 So, go ahead and shower. I know you want to. 363 00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,490 I will. As soon as the guy brings up my bags. 364 00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:03,492 - What guy? - The guy who checked us in. 365 00:13:03,533 --> 00:13:05,285 You think Vlad the Impaler in the lobby 366 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,703 is bringing up your bags? 367 00:13:06,745 --> 00:13:08,497 - Yes. - Based on what? 368 00:13:08,538 --> 00:13:10,558 Based on the fact that I said, "Just the two, thanks," 369 00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:12,351 and he nodded like he was gonna bring them up. 370 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,669 No, he nodded like he was gonna go through your luggage 371 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:17,005 and whack off with your girdle stretched over his face. 372 00:13:17,047 --> 00:13:19,925 - So no one's bringing up my bags? - No. It's a motel. 373 00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,885 You want 'em, you go get 'em. 374 00:13:21,927 --> 00:13:23,553 Right. Okay. 375 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,307 - Do not look at me. - Fine. I'm gonna go down 376 00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:29,643 to get the bags and carry them up myself. 377 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,895 After all, this trip is about trying new things 378 00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:34,189 and expanding my horizons. 379 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:35,607 It's bags, not a threesome 380 00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:37,359 with Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller. 381 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,277 No, but it's steep stairs; no elevator. 382 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:42,030 Here, take this. 383 00:13:42,072 --> 00:13:43,907 Sure you don't want to come? 384 00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:46,701 Mm. Only you can expand your horizons, Miriam. 385 00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:48,411 New things! 386 00:13:52,082 --> 00:13:54,251 Fuckin' weirdo. 387 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,631 This is like being back in college, sharing a room. 388 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:01,925 - Or a slumber party. - Or jail. 389 00:14:01,967 --> 00:14:04,094 You ever have slumber parties when you were a kid? 390 00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:06,304 If you count everyone falling asleep in the same room 391 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,598 'cause they were too drunk to get up a slumber party. 392 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,433 We used to play with a Ouija board 393 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:11,935 and try to contact Valentino. 394 00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:13,353 One time the lights flickered. 395 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:14,813 It was scary. But fun. 396 00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:16,773 One time my cousin came into my room at night 397 00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:19,317 and got on top of me. I jabbed my finger into his eye, 398 00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,777 and he was blind for a week. 399 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,237 It was scary. But fun. 400 00:14:22,279 --> 00:14:24,864 - We could watch TV. - Meh. This late, 401 00:14:24,906 --> 00:14:26,992 it's just the test pattern with the Indian chief. 402 00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:28,785 Just shut the lights off, 403 00:14:28,827 --> 00:14:31,288 and we'll both be snoring like buzz saws any minute. 404 00:14:31,329 --> 00:14:32,831 - Oh. - What? 405 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:35,333 - You snore? - How would I know? I'm sleeping. 406 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,711 Well, has anyone ever told you you do? 407 00:14:37,752 --> 00:14:39,689 What kind of a sick fuck's gonna come into my room, 408 00:14:39,713 --> 00:14:41,590 listen to me sleep, then tell me about it? 409 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,883 So no one you've ever shared a bed with has let you know? 410 00:14:43,925 --> 00:14:45,885 - Did you ask your cousin? - Really? 411 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,429 The reason your husband left you? 412 00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,556 You wouldn't let him get any sleep. 413 00:14:57,897 --> 00:15:00,483 Hey, remember when that really old lady was yelling 414 00:15:00,525 --> 00:15:02,652 "Take me, I'm on fire!" at the fireman? 415 00:15:02,694 --> 00:15:04,738 - Yeah. - Then the fireman threw that blanket over her. 416 00:15:04,779 --> 00:15:07,073 For a minute I thought he was gonna do it. 417 00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:08,867 Give the old bird her dying wish. 418 00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,548 "Take me, I'm on fire." 419 00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:12,829 Hmm. You should put that shit in your set tomorrow. 420 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:15,123 I'm opening with it. Did she die? 421 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:18,126 - Nah. - Maybe in the act she'll die. 422 00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:20,545 I think I can keep that funny. Night, Susie. 423 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:22,047 Mm. 424 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,923 - Hey, Susie. - What? 425 00:15:23,965 --> 00:15:26,635 She wanted to slide down his pole. 426 00:15:26,676 --> 00:15:28,303 Go to sleep. 427 00:15:29,804 --> 00:15:32,599 Pole's funny. 428 00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:36,102 He's sleeping okay there? 429 00:15:36,144 --> 00:15:38,563 - Like a rock. He's doing great. - Let me say hi. 430 00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:40,357 Hey, Ethan. It's Mommy. 431 00:15:40,398 --> 00:15:41,650 Want to say hi? 432 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,276 No. She has to ring it. 433 00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,403 - He doesn't want to talk to me? - Sure he does. 434 00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:47,822 He just wants you to call back so the phone'll ring 435 00:15:47,864 --> 00:15:49,824 - especially for him. - Okay. 436 00:15:49,866 --> 00:15:52,452 Guess Mommy's made of coins. One sec. 437 00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:57,582 - What's wrong? - Nothing. 438 00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,085 - It's something. What is it? - Leg hurts. 439 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:03,046 - What'd you do? - Why is this my fault? 440 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:08,051 Hi, Mommy. 441 00:16:08,093 --> 00:16:09,928 Hi, sweetie. How... 442 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,137 Hello? 443 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,889 Ethan? 444 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,602 - Hi. - What happened? 445 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,771 Well, he doesn't really like talking on the phone. 446 00:16:19,813 --> 00:16:21,231 He just loves answering it. 447 00:16:21,272 --> 00:16:22,732 - He's forgotten me. - No, he hasn't. 448 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:24,776 Two days, I've been gone. Two days. 449 00:16:24,818 --> 00:16:26,653 He's a kid. I'll tell him you miss him. 450 00:16:26,695 --> 00:16:28,238 And you can call collect, Midge. 451 00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:30,532 That would have been a good idea about three dollars ago. 452 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,951 Wait, are you short? You got enough money for the trip? 453 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,929 Sure. I just don't carry it all around in quarters. 454 00:16:34,953 --> 00:16:36,204 It makes my thighs look lumpy. 455 00:16:36,246 --> 00:16:38,081 - Where are you two? - Gas station. 456 00:16:38,123 --> 00:16:40,250 How's Susie's car? Does it run okay? 457 00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,627 Purrs like a really old, angry kitten. 458 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:45,088 - And she's a decent driver? - We go places and we get there. 459 00:16:45,130 --> 00:16:46,923 Does she know how to change a tire? 460 00:16:46,965 --> 00:16:48,133 I'd assume so. 461 00:16:48,174 --> 00:16:49,175 - Ask her. - Joel. 462 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,427 Where'd you stay in D.C.? 463 00:16:50,468 --> 00:16:51,737 I'm not sure I have enough coins 464 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,138 to get through all three centuries 465 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:54,448 - of the Spanish Inquisition. - You know what? 466 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:55,682 - Is she there? - Susie? 467 00:16:55,724 --> 00:16:57,225 Yeah. Put her on. I can give her 468 00:16:57,267 --> 00:16:58,768 some pointers on changing a tire. 469 00:16:58,810 --> 00:17:02,230 Okay. Joel wants to know if you can change a tire. 470 00:17:02,272 --> 00:17:03,523 What? 471 00:17:03,565 --> 00:17:05,024 Ugh. 472 00:17:09,738 --> 00:17:10,989 Hello. 473 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,532 Yes, I can change a stupid tire. 474 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,159 Now, listen, and you listen good. 475 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,928 I swear to motherfucking God, if anything happens 476 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,204 to Midge on this trip, I'm gonna fucking kill you. 477 00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:20,915 I don't care that you're a girl, or short, 478 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:23,460 I will rip your head off and use it to play catch with my kid. 479 00:17:23,501 --> 00:17:25,962 She's the mother of my children. If you fuck this up, 480 00:17:26,004 --> 00:17:28,023 I want you to think of the worst possible thing that could ever 481 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,317 happen to you, and I want you to triple it and add a hobbling. 482 00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:32,218 You got it? Now... 483 00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:33,696 apply the wheel wedges, remove the hubcaps, 484 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,555 loosen the lug nuts, jack up the car 485 00:17:35,597 --> 00:17:37,307 and change the fucking tire. 486 00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,975 Or call a goddamn cab. 487 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,852 Put Midge back on the phone. 488 00:17:40,894 --> 00:17:43,730 Thanks for the tip. 489 00:17:43,772 --> 00:17:47,609 Great guy. Too bad you kids couldn't work it out. 490 00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:50,236 I should go. We have to get all the way to Philly. 491 00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:52,071 Where are you staying when you get there? 492 00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:55,450 - I don't know. Some motel. - Uh-huh. Put Susie on again. 493 00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:57,702 Too late. She limped off. Really quickly. 494 00:17:57,744 --> 00:18:00,872 Just be careful, okay? Will you? Please? 495 00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,707 Yes. And kiss Ethan and Esther for me. 496 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,501 Show them a picture if you have to. 497 00:18:04,542 --> 00:18:05,710 I will. 498 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:07,504 - Bye. - Bye. 499 00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:15,887 Hey, scoot over. Let's get going. 500 00:18:15,929 --> 00:18:18,223 I got to take a break from driving; it's killing my leg. 501 00:18:18,264 --> 00:18:20,058 - Meaning...? - You drive. 502 00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,060 - I don't know how to drive. - What? 503 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:25,021 - I grew up in the city. - How the hell do you plan a road trip 504 00:18:25,063 --> 00:18:26,999 with somebody and forget to mention that you can't drive? 505 00:18:27,023 --> 00:18:28,775 I did plan to learn a few years ago. 506 00:18:28,817 --> 00:18:30,586 Oh, well, that's a relief. For a second there, 507 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,862 I thought maybe you didn't plan to learn a few years ago. 508 00:18:32,904 --> 00:18:34,239 I even bought pink driving gloves. 509 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,532 I brought them with me. 510 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,367 Because we were gonna be in a car. 511 00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:39,953 - You can wear them if you want. - Jesus Christ. 512 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:41,496 Sorry. 513 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:45,166 Ass up. 514 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:58,137 - Hey! Occupied! - Aren't I supposed to have a real dressing room? 515 00:18:58,179 --> 00:18:59,848 Or at least a door with a lock? 516 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,933 Yeah, well, I guess I got a little busy 517 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:03,935 making sure the place had, you know, a stage 518 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:06,247 - and a place for an audience. - A manager's supposed to request 519 00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:08,731 things like a dressing room with a door that locks. 520 00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:10,775 I'm a total idiot. What do you want me to say? 521 00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:13,027 Usually you show up to a gig in your show dress. 522 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:15,196 I forgot you'd need a place to change. My fault. 523 00:19:15,238 --> 00:19:16,698 - Learning lessons. - Fine. 524 00:19:16,739 --> 00:19:19,993 - Knock, asshole! - There's someone in here, asshole! 525 00:19:20,034 --> 00:19:21,703 - It's me, Dante! - Booker. 526 00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:22,996 Sorry! 527 00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:24,581 Your girl is on. 528 00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,833 - Uh, we need a minute. - And a lock for the door. 529 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,585 Crowd is restless. Get a move on. 530 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,587 - Zip me. Hurry. - How is the crowd? 531 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:32,297 - Good. - Crowd's good. 532 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,799 - How do I look? - Like you're ready to take Philly. 533 00:19:34,841 --> 00:19:37,135 Hey, everybody. Straight from the Big Apple... 534 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:39,679 - Sorry about the room. - Sorry I yelled about the room. 535 00:19:39,721 --> 00:19:41,723 - Let's do this. - Give a big Philly welcome to... 536 00:19:41,764 --> 00:19:43,683 Mrs. Maisel! 537 00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:49,647 Well, hello, Philadelphia! 538 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:51,107 Wow. 539 00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:53,693 You said the crowd was good. 540 00:19:53,735 --> 00:19:56,171 - They are good. There's just not that many of them. - I'm Mrs. Maisel. 541 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,489 - Motherfucker. - So, the... 542 00:19:58,531 --> 00:20:00,533 first joke I was gonna tell you guys tonight 543 00:20:00,575 --> 00:20:02,911 has one of those "has anyone here ever" thingies. 544 00:20:02,952 --> 00:20:04,704 But I realize the odds that anyone here 545 00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:07,957 has ever actually done the thing I was gonna ask if you had done 546 00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,500 are pretty darn low. 547 00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:11,127 Just mathematically. 548 00:20:11,169 --> 00:20:13,087 Has anyone here 549 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,857 ever gotten alcohol poisoning? 550 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:17,091 In which case the odds get pretty good again. 551 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,510 Because it's Philly. 552 00:20:19,552 --> 00:20:21,346 I think there were more people in the room 553 00:20:21,387 --> 00:20:23,056 when my son was born. 554 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,933 Maybe also when he was conceived. 555 00:20:24,974 --> 00:20:28,603 Ma'am, the-the tag is sticking out of your dress. 556 00:20:33,650 --> 00:20:36,611 - Jesus. - Oh, my. 557 00:20:36,653 --> 00:20:38,947 What a shithole. 558 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,915 What's the matter? 559 00:20:50,917 --> 00:20:53,670 I'm kind of digging the suspense here. 560 00:20:57,674 --> 00:21:00,635 Well, hello. 561 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:05,056 Am I a fucking manager or what? 562 00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:08,184 I'll never unsee that. The sheer size. 563 00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:11,187 Go to bed. Dream of puppies. 564 00:21:11,229 --> 00:21:13,856 Well, hello. 565 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:15,358 - What now? - Nothing. 566 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:18,403 Just a lot of things to say hello to in this room. 567 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,114 - What? - Teeth. 568 00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:22,240 - Teeth? - Teeth. 569 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,366 - False teeth? - Real teeth. 570 00:21:23,408 --> 00:21:25,368 - Baby teeth? - Large teeth. 571 00:21:25,410 --> 00:21:28,121 Adult teeth. Or teeth from a really big baby. 572 00:21:28,162 --> 00:21:30,707 Maybe a... I got nothing. 573 00:21:30,748 --> 00:21:32,250 I don't think I'll unpack tonight. 574 00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:34,002 Or use the bathroom. Or lie down. 575 00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:36,129 Or sit down. Or shut my eyes. 576 00:21:36,170 --> 00:21:38,464 - Miriam. - Hello. 577 00:21:38,506 --> 00:21:40,299 You're on tour. You got to sleep. 578 00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:42,427 - Just keep your clothes on. - I don't need sleep. 579 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:44,345 I can't sleep, anyway, because of your... 580 00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:46,431 'Cause of my what? 581 00:21:49,475 --> 00:21:52,020 What are you doing? Don't touch that. 582 00:21:52,061 --> 00:21:54,022 You need to hear something. 583 00:21:54,063 --> 00:21:55,481 I don't want to hear your D.C. gigs. 584 00:21:55,523 --> 00:21:57,525 It's not my D.C. gigs. I was going to wait 585 00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:00,486 until we got home, but... 586 00:22:05,533 --> 00:22:07,493 What is that? 587 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,746 - That's you. - Bullshit. 588 00:22:09,787 --> 00:22:11,748 Hold on. 589 00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:15,251 - Jesus Christ. - I'm sorry. 590 00:22:15,293 --> 00:22:16,895 I recorded you when you were sleeping last night. 591 00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,212 First of all, don't ever, 592 00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:20,048 ever touch the tape recorder. Hear me? 593 00:22:20,089 --> 00:22:21,608 - And "B," that's the most sadistic... - Tom Collins. 594 00:22:21,632 --> 00:22:24,260 - Wait, what'd I just say there? - I think it was "Tom Collins." 595 00:22:24,302 --> 00:22:25,904 Didn't know you liked gin. 596 00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:28,264 Tom Collins was my teddy bear. 597 00:22:28,306 --> 00:22:30,349 - Oh. Sweet. - Turn it off. 598 00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:34,395 I will. I just think you should hear one more thing. 599 00:22:38,316 --> 00:22:40,860 Did I die? 600 00:22:40,902 --> 00:22:43,404 Maybe. You really need to see a doctor. 601 00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:45,740 You need to learn some manners, you know that? 602 00:22:45,782 --> 00:22:49,035 - I was just trying to help. - Don't help me. Write that down. 603 00:22:49,077 --> 00:22:51,245 Look, I know it's embarrassing, but when I was little, 604 00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:53,432 my mother used to wake me up when I made unseemly noises 605 00:22:53,456 --> 00:22:56,542 to train me to be a ladylike sleeper. For when I got married. 606 00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,753 - She recorded you? - No. She sat on the edge of my bed 607 00:22:58,795 --> 00:23:00,064 and shook me when I made a noise. 608 00:23:00,088 --> 00:23:02,006 Wow. Freak doesn't fall far from the tree. 609 00:23:02,048 --> 00:23:04,342 - One day you might thank me, Susie. - Yeah? 610 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,361 Well, you taped over the D.C. gigs, so thanks for that. 611 00:23:06,385 --> 00:23:08,387 Hope you remember your American Revolution joke 612 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,014 word-for-word, 'cause it's gone. 613 00:23:14,060 --> 00:23:16,729 You're really gonna stand there all night? 614 00:23:16,771 --> 00:23:18,898 It works for Francis the Talking Mule. 615 00:23:18,940 --> 00:23:20,441 Suit yourself. 616 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:23,486 I'm sleeping in your bed, then. Mine's taken. 617 00:23:30,576 --> 00:23:32,537 - Good night. - Fuck you. 618 00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:37,667 Starving. 619 00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:39,293 Bathroom. Fix. 620 00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:42,338 - Counter. Eat. - Coffee. 621 00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,136 Fuck. 622 00:23:48,177 --> 00:23:50,012 Come on. 623 00:23:50,054 --> 00:23:51,931 Don't look. 624 00:23:53,975 --> 00:23:55,768 Mmm. 625 00:23:57,645 --> 00:24:00,898 Hey, you have any idea what these weird bumps are? 626 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:03,693 - I mean, is this, like, a local thing? - I'm 16. 627 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,404 I didn't ask if you'd ever been blown. I asked about this. 628 00:24:12,743 --> 00:24:14,370 I give. 629 00:24:14,412 --> 00:24:16,372 You didn't get me any coffee. Coffee, please. 630 00:24:16,414 --> 00:24:19,083 Yeah, he's not coming back. Probably on his way to therapy. 631 00:24:19,125 --> 00:24:21,878 I knew it was bad, but when I looked in a mirror... God. 632 00:24:21,919 --> 00:24:23,963 Why didn't you tell me I looked like shit? 633 00:24:24,005 --> 00:24:25,923 I have my own problems, missy. 634 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:27,592 Oh, my God, your face. 635 00:24:27,633 --> 00:24:29,427 - No kidding, my face. - What happened? 636 00:24:29,468 --> 00:24:32,221 - What's it look like? Something bit me. - It was the bed. 637 00:24:32,263 --> 00:24:34,366 You laid on the bed. Thank God I didn't lay on the bed. 638 00:24:34,390 --> 00:24:36,184 What have you got in there that can fix this? 639 00:24:36,225 --> 00:24:37,560 Nothing. 640 00:24:37,602 --> 00:24:39,270 You have 500 things in that case. 641 00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:41,063 - You got nothing for bites? - I could do 642 00:24:41,105 --> 00:24:43,024 some mascara for you. Maybe a little eyeliner. 643 00:24:43,065 --> 00:24:45,443 - How's that gonna help? - It'll make your eyes look bigger, 644 00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:47,588 and that'll draw attention away from the rest of your face. 645 00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:50,615 Hey, I have that all organized. 646 00:24:52,617 --> 00:24:55,036 Yeah, this shit's got "skin" right there. 647 00:24:55,077 --> 00:24:58,331 That'll make your welts look ten years younger. 648 00:24:58,372 --> 00:25:01,459 There's more now. Shit, they're still hatching. 649 00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:03,544 Shit. This bite has a bite on it. 650 00:25:03,586 --> 00:25:05,254 I'm sorry. 651 00:25:05,296 --> 00:25:07,065 I'm going to the drugstore to see if there's someone there 652 00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:08,424 who can help me more than you, 653 00:25:08,466 --> 00:25:11,344 like a blind-mute baby with no arms. 654 00:25:14,430 --> 00:25:15,765 Hello? 655 00:25:15,806 --> 00:25:17,433 Collect call from Miriam Maisel 656 00:25:17,475 --> 00:25:19,852 for Abe or Rose Weissman. Do you accept the charges? 657 00:25:19,894 --> 00:25:21,729 I don't know. What are my options? 658 00:25:21,771 --> 00:25:24,065 - Take the call. - I'll take the call. 659 00:25:24,106 --> 00:25:26,317 - Go ahead, please. - Hello, Papa. 660 00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:27,860 Skip the niceties. What do you need? 661 00:25:27,902 --> 00:25:29,171 I'm just calling to check in. 662 00:25:29,195 --> 00:25:30,505 - How's the baby? - She's drooling. 663 00:25:30,529 --> 00:25:32,949 - She's defecating. - Does she miss me? 664 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:35,201 I think unless she can fit you in her mouth, 665 00:25:35,243 --> 00:25:37,328 you are of no consequence to her at all. 666 00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:39,580 - Anything else? - You're in a mood. 667 00:25:39,622 --> 00:25:43,000 - Well, your mother has pulled a fast one. - What now? 668 00:25:43,042 --> 00:25:46,796 She's throwing some sort of soiree and forgot to tell me. 669 00:25:46,837 --> 00:25:48,130 Or you forgot to listen. 670 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:50,716 Now there's tables and chairs. 671 00:25:50,758 --> 00:25:53,344 - They've taken over my study. - Maybe it's her garden club? 672 00:25:53,386 --> 00:25:54,971 It's been ages since she's hosted them. 673 00:25:55,012 --> 00:25:57,473 There's flowers and tables and streamers. 674 00:25:57,515 --> 00:25:59,809 Streamers usually indicate music. 675 00:25:59,850 --> 00:26:01,769 They drink some wine and talk about stamens. 676 00:26:01,811 --> 00:26:03,896 - It'll be over in an hour. - She's not even here. 677 00:26:03,938 --> 00:26:06,065 She just left me like this to fend for myself. 678 00:26:06,107 --> 00:26:08,025 - So where's the baby? - Glassware? 679 00:26:08,067 --> 00:26:09,527 She got rental glassware. 680 00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:12,738 - Papa. - The baby's with Rose at the beauty parlor. 681 00:26:12,780 --> 00:26:15,074 - I just said that. - You didn't, actually. 682 00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:16,701 Miriam, I have to go. 683 00:26:16,742 --> 00:26:19,328 I just heard the words "potato salad." 684 00:26:19,370 --> 00:26:22,790 There's only so much a man can take in his own house. 685 00:26:22,832 --> 00:26:24,834 This stuff does not help at all. 686 00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:26,961 You're supposed to blow on it. 687 00:26:29,714 --> 00:26:31,632 - Are they gone? - No. 688 00:26:31,674 --> 00:26:33,217 Then get the fuck away from me. 689 00:26:33,259 --> 00:26:35,261 Okay. I have to go change. 690 00:26:41,309 --> 00:26:43,936 ♪ I'm a travelin' man ♪ 691 00:26:43,978 --> 00:26:47,940 ♪ I've made a lot of stops all over the world... ♪ 692 00:26:47,982 --> 00:26:50,192 Aren't you supposed to keep both hands on the wheel? 693 00:26:50,234 --> 00:26:51,861 Thought you didn't know how to drive. 694 00:26:51,902 --> 00:26:53,571 I know how not to drive. 695 00:26:53,612 --> 00:26:55,656 Was that thunder? 696 00:26:55,698 --> 00:26:58,409 - I didn't hear anything. - I definitely heard a rumble, 697 00:26:58,451 --> 00:27:00,995 and I didn't bring my rain mac because you said not to, Susie. 698 00:27:01,037 --> 00:27:03,205 I didn't tell you not to bring your rain mac 699 00:27:03,247 --> 00:27:04,832 'cause I don't know what a rain mac is. 700 00:27:04,874 --> 00:27:07,209 It's a fashionable cover to keep you dry, and I left it 701 00:27:07,251 --> 00:27:09,104 at home because you said the weather was gonna be good. 702 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:12,381 - I repeated what the paper said. - I would've brought my rain mac, 703 00:27:12,423 --> 00:27:14,192 I would've brought my galoshes, I would've brought... 704 00:27:14,216 --> 00:27:17,428 - Potato salad. - What? 705 00:27:17,470 --> 00:27:19,555 Stop the car. Stop the car. 706 00:27:19,597 --> 00:27:20,890 I can't just stop the car. 707 00:27:20,931 --> 00:27:22,600 Pull over. Pull over. 708 00:27:26,771 --> 00:27:27,938 Aw. 709 00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:29,940 Oh, yay, more booties. 710 00:27:29,982 --> 00:27:32,735 Thanks, Nancy. 711 00:27:32,777 --> 00:27:34,487 Bring more napkins. 712 00:27:34,528 --> 00:27:36,989 - They're going through a lot of them. - Yes, ma'am. 713 00:27:37,031 --> 00:27:39,992 Good, a bonnet and booties. 714 00:27:40,034 --> 00:27:42,787 Aw. 715 00:27:42,828 --> 00:27:45,790 Mr. Bemis works at a bank, but all he wants is time alone 716 00:27:45,831 --> 00:27:48,793 to read his precious books. It's his passion. 717 00:27:48,834 --> 00:27:50,920 - I love books. - Anyway... 718 00:27:50,961 --> 00:27:53,130 Why is no one answering the phone? 719 00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:56,634 His wife's a shrew, so he can't read at home. She won't let him. 720 00:27:56,675 --> 00:27:59,637 And he wears these really thick reading glasses, you see? 721 00:27:59,678 --> 00:28:04,225 Anyway, he finally decides to hide out in the bank vault. 722 00:28:04,266 --> 00:28:05,601 All right, I'll answer it. 723 00:28:05,643 --> 00:28:06,787 What's this program called? 724 00:28:06,811 --> 00:28:08,187 The Twilight Zone. 725 00:28:08,229 --> 00:28:09,581 - Never heard of it. - It's new. 726 00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:11,357 - Hello? - Hello? 727 00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:13,418 While our man is in the vault, there's a nuclear war. 728 00:28:13,442 --> 00:28:15,444 - They drop the H-bomb. - Hello? 729 00:28:15,486 --> 00:28:17,405 - Wow. - Didn't see that comin'. 730 00:28:17,446 --> 00:28:20,658 - Neither did he. But there's another twist. - I love twists. 731 00:28:20,699 --> 00:28:21,992 Miriam, is that you? 732 00:28:22,034 --> 00:28:23,929 - I can barely hear you. - Miriam's on the phone? 733 00:28:23,953 --> 00:28:25,329 I forgot about the baby shower. 734 00:28:25,371 --> 00:28:28,040 - Did you? I hadn't noticed. - Oh, God. 735 00:28:28,082 --> 00:28:30,292 I am so sorry. I-I must've gotten the dates mixed up. 736 00:28:30,334 --> 00:28:31,728 I've been so busy getting ready for the tour, 737 00:28:31,752 --> 00:28:33,021 and then Papa said "potato salad." 738 00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:35,464 I'm so sorry. It's today. 739 00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:37,025 - Where are you? - A pay phone 740 00:28:37,049 --> 00:28:38,968 - in Pennsylvania. - She's not gonna make it? 741 00:28:39,009 --> 00:28:40,928 - Apparently not. - Wait. 742 00:28:40,970 --> 00:28:42,447 Wait, it's still happening without me? 743 00:28:42,471 --> 00:28:43,973 You're right. We should reschedule. 744 00:28:44,014 --> 00:28:45,200 I'm sure Imogene can cross her legs 745 00:28:45,224 --> 00:28:47,017 - and hold it in. - She's not coming? 746 00:28:47,059 --> 00:28:49,037 - I'm sure there's a good reason. - Can you tell Imogene? 747 00:28:49,061 --> 00:28:50,980 I'll wait here behind the table. And Donny. 748 00:28:51,021 --> 00:28:52,690 - Put Papa on. - Abe? 749 00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:54,942 Hold on, let me finish this. 750 00:28:54,984 --> 00:28:56,819 So, Mr. Bemis is the sole survivor 751 00:28:56,861 --> 00:28:58,070 because he was in the vault, 752 00:28:58,112 --> 00:29:00,197 and for the first time, he's lonely. 753 00:29:00,239 --> 00:29:03,033 Burgess Meredith plays this with a lot of pathos. 754 00:29:03,075 --> 00:29:06,579 But then he finds the ruins of the library. 755 00:29:06,620 --> 00:29:08,998 - Abe. - Mr. Bemis is overjoyed at the sight 756 00:29:09,039 --> 00:29:11,417 of all the books with all the time in the world to read. 757 00:29:11,459 --> 00:29:13,627 - But then... - Does he break his glasses? 758 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:15,546 And there's no one to fix 'em. 759 00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:17,756 You made a big deal about his glasses before. 760 00:29:17,798 --> 00:29:20,176 Is that right? That's great. 761 00:29:24,346 --> 00:29:26,307 - Hello? - Papa, why didn't you tell me 762 00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:28,767 - they were setting up for Imogene's shower? - I did. 763 00:29:28,809 --> 00:29:30,769 You said it was the garden club. 764 00:29:30,811 --> 00:29:32,688 No, you said it was the garden club. 765 00:29:32,730 --> 00:29:35,357 - Put me on speakerphone, please. - Why? 766 00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:37,735 Take me to the living room and put me on speakerphone. 767 00:29:39,778 --> 00:29:41,780 Hello? Am I on? 768 00:29:41,822 --> 00:29:43,699 It's working. Explain yourself. 769 00:29:43,741 --> 00:29:45,367 Hi, everyone. 770 00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:48,412 - Hi. - Imogene, can you hear me okay? 771 00:29:48,454 --> 00:29:50,498 - Yes, Midge. - You sound far away. 772 00:29:50,539 --> 00:29:52,458 I'm not. You are. 773 00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:55,503 Honey, I am so sorry. I'm here in Pennsylvania, 774 00:29:55,544 --> 00:29:58,714 and I'm stuck, and I have no excuse. 775 00:29:58,756 --> 00:30:00,424 - And I want everyone to hear it. - Whoa. 776 00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:02,801 I am a terrible person, but I want you all to know 777 00:30:02,843 --> 00:30:05,971 I am sorry, and I love my friend Imogene. 778 00:30:06,013 --> 00:30:07,681 You're not a terrible person, Midge. 779 00:30:07,723 --> 00:30:09,517 I am. I am terrible, 780 00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:10,893 and I just have to live with that. 781 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:13,020 - But I hope you liked the cupcakes. - I did. 782 00:30:13,062 --> 00:30:14,939 And the little sugar babies on top. 783 00:30:14,980 --> 00:30:17,650 - A little creepy eating babies, but delicious. - Good. 784 00:30:17,691 --> 00:30:20,069 Oh, your present. Imogene, you should get your present. 785 00:30:20,110 --> 00:30:21,546 - That's okay. - No, it's in my bedroom, 786 00:30:21,570 --> 00:30:22,881 but I didn't have a chance to wrap it yet. 787 00:30:22,905 --> 00:30:24,823 There's a Bendel's bag. Run and get it. 788 00:30:24,865 --> 00:30:27,660 - She's not supposed to run. - No, I didn't mean she should run. 789 00:30:27,701 --> 00:30:29,078 I'll get it when you're back. 790 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:30,412 Take a picture for me, Archie? 791 00:30:30,454 --> 00:30:31,789 I didn't bring my camera. 792 00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:33,999 Borrow my father's. 793 00:30:35,334 --> 00:30:37,086 Uh, well, I guess I... 794 00:30:37,127 --> 00:30:38,837 shouldn't hold up the party any longer. 795 00:30:38,879 --> 00:30:40,631 Everybody go back to having fun. 796 00:30:40,673 --> 00:30:42,132 Bye, Midge. 797 00:30:42,174 --> 00:30:44,802 And, Midge, it's beautiful. 798 00:30:44,843 --> 00:30:48,514 I'm glad. Bye, everyone. 799 00:30:48,556 --> 00:30:50,599 Bye. 800 00:31:01,569 --> 00:31:03,445 Hey! Hey! What are you doing? 801 00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,447 - There's a storm. - So what? 802 00:31:05,489 --> 00:31:07,783 She has a gig here tonight. This is Mrs. Maisel. 803 00:31:07,825 --> 00:31:09,285 - You're the singer? - No. 804 00:31:09,326 --> 00:31:10,828 - She's the comedian. - Well, sorry. 805 00:31:10,869 --> 00:31:12,264 No one's showing up in this weather. 806 00:31:12,288 --> 00:31:14,373 There's a 50% chance the roof'll cave in. 807 00:31:14,415 --> 00:31:16,959 Call me. We'll rebook for next week. 808 00:31:17,001 --> 00:31:18,877 Sure, we're in Harrisburg all the time. 809 00:31:18,919 --> 00:31:21,380 Can't get enough of that Civil War Museum. Hey! 810 00:31:21,422 --> 00:31:23,632 - Crap. - Susie. 811 00:31:23,674 --> 00:31:26,010 - What? - It's raining. 812 00:31:29,013 --> 00:31:30,931 How does he know no one's coming? 813 00:31:30,973 --> 00:31:32,808 He's an idiot. That's how he knows. 814 00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:34,268 He knows nothing. 815 00:31:34,310 --> 00:31:36,604 Well, then let's stop dealing with idiots. 816 00:31:36,645 --> 00:31:39,148 Everyone in this idiotic business is an idiot. 817 00:31:39,189 --> 00:31:40,584 You ever meet someone in show business 818 00:31:40,608 --> 00:31:42,252 who's not an idiot, then they're an asshole. 819 00:31:42,276 --> 00:31:44,153 It's a business of idiots and assholes. 820 00:31:44,194 --> 00:31:47,156 I could've gone to the shower. Goddamn it. 821 00:31:47,197 --> 00:31:49,408 Let's go. 822 00:31:49,450 --> 00:31:52,870 Oh, come on. 823 00:31:52,911 --> 00:31:54,955 You ever read the Book of Job? 824 00:31:54,997 --> 00:31:58,000 My mom read it to me every year on my birthday. 825 00:31:59,585 --> 00:32:02,421 - You can put your ass down now. - Why? 826 00:32:02,463 --> 00:32:04,423 This car isn't going anywhere. 827 00:32:04,465 --> 00:32:06,592 Great. 828 00:32:06,634 --> 00:32:09,345 Well, motel's probably foul, anyway. 829 00:32:09,386 --> 00:32:11,513 This was a big screwup, Susie. 830 00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:14,933 Hey, I didn't force that guy to close his club. 831 00:32:14,975 --> 00:32:16,894 I didn't break the wiper, 832 00:32:16,935 --> 00:32:19,021 and I definitely didn't make it rain. 833 00:32:19,063 --> 00:32:20,773 So what now? 834 00:32:20,814 --> 00:32:23,442 Walk to the motel? 835 00:32:23,484 --> 00:32:25,486 Sure. 836 00:32:26,987 --> 00:32:30,032 Although we are out of money. 837 00:32:49,301 --> 00:32:51,011 We'd have beaten the traffic if you knew 838 00:32:51,053 --> 00:32:52,888 how to read a stinkin' map. 839 00:32:52,930 --> 00:32:55,158 We'd have beaten the traffic if you had woken us up earlier. 840 00:32:55,182 --> 00:32:56,975 What am I, a fucking rooster? 841 00:32:58,644 --> 00:33:00,187 What do you want me to do, asshole? 842 00:33:00,229 --> 00:33:02,606 Half of Jersey is parked in front of me! 843 00:33:02,648 --> 00:33:05,401 God, it's like I have a twin who's a middle-aged whore. 844 00:33:05,442 --> 00:33:08,153 Hey. I need it to see. 845 00:33:08,195 --> 00:33:09,738 We're gonna die in this tunnel. 846 00:33:09,780 --> 00:33:11,407 Good. Something to look forward to. 847 00:33:11,448 --> 00:33:13,450 No time to shower. What do I do? 848 00:33:13,492 --> 00:33:15,494 You're a comic, not Miss America. 849 00:33:15,536 --> 00:33:17,329 Just go on stage looking like shit. 850 00:33:17,371 --> 00:33:19,039 Oh, so now I look like shit? 851 00:33:19,081 --> 00:33:20,666 What, are we married all of a sudden? 852 00:33:20,708 --> 00:33:23,544 You're my manager, you're supposed to care how I look. 853 00:33:23,585 --> 00:33:25,212 Wait, wait, Miriam. Look, look. 854 00:33:25,254 --> 00:33:27,005 We're out of Jersey. 855 00:33:27,047 --> 00:33:29,341 - We are? - That's the line; we crossed the line. 856 00:33:29,383 --> 00:33:30,944 - We're in New York. - We're in New York. 857 00:33:30,968 --> 00:33:32,511 We're in New York. We're in New York. 858 00:33:32,553 --> 00:33:33,929 Take that, assholes! 859 00:33:33,971 --> 00:33:35,681 We are back in New York City! 860 00:33:35,723 --> 00:33:38,183 Shut up! 861 00:33:38,225 --> 00:33:39,601 Mm. 862 00:33:39,643 --> 00:33:42,271 We will die of old age in this tunnel. 863 00:33:42,312 --> 00:33:45,691 At least place of death won't be New Jersey. 864 00:33:51,405 --> 00:33:52,906 - You, where's Ricky? - Manager? 865 00:33:52,948 --> 00:33:54,199 - Yes, yes. - By the bar. 866 00:33:54,241 --> 00:33:55,468 It's a two dollar cover tonight. 867 00:33:55,492 --> 00:33:56,952 - We're talent! - The what? 868 00:33:56,994 --> 00:33:58,430 I'm-I'm one of the comedians tonight. 869 00:33:58,454 --> 00:33:59,705 Mrs. Maisel? 870 00:33:59,747 --> 00:34:01,224 We got caught in this horrible traffic, 871 00:34:01,248 --> 00:34:02,642 almost ran out of gas in the Holland Tunnel. 872 00:34:02,666 --> 00:34:03,917 Is there a place where I can... 873 00:34:03,959 --> 00:34:05,544 - Stop talking. Move. - Hey. 874 00:34:05,586 --> 00:34:06,837 Susie Myerson. Mrs. Maisel. 875 00:34:06,879 --> 00:34:08,088 You're late! 876 00:34:08,130 --> 00:34:10,007 We got stuck in the Holland Tunnel. 877 00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:11,759 - Hey. - Maisel. Talent. 878 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:12,926 - Drink. - I need a mirror. 879 00:34:12,968 --> 00:34:14,136 You look great. 880 00:34:14,178 --> 00:34:16,180 - I should change. - No time. 881 00:34:16,221 --> 00:34:17,657 - Get right to the good stuff. - Mm-hmm. 882 00:34:17,681 --> 00:34:19,266 Hit 'em hard and fast. 883 00:34:19,308 --> 00:34:20,851 Good? 884 00:34:20,893 --> 00:34:22,895 Tits up. 885 00:34:22,936 --> 00:34:25,272 Hey there, ladies and gentlemen. 886 00:34:25,314 --> 00:34:28,484 What the fuck am I doing? Go. 887 00:34:28,525 --> 00:34:31,153 Just fucking clap. 888 00:34:33,989 --> 00:34:36,033 Magda Goebbels, ladies and gentlemen. 889 00:34:36,074 --> 00:34:37,910 Poisoned her dogs and all six of her children 890 00:34:37,951 --> 00:34:40,370 in honor of the Fuhrer, but now hiding in Manhattan 891 00:34:40,412 --> 00:34:42,581 and giving stand-up comedy management a go. 892 00:34:42,623 --> 00:34:44,082 Thank you, Magda. 893 00:34:45,834 --> 00:34:47,795 So, how ya doing? 894 00:34:47,836 --> 00:34:49,880 How am I doing? How do I look like I'm doing? 895 00:34:49,922 --> 00:34:52,841 I'm fucking exhausted. And sore. 896 00:34:52,883 --> 00:34:55,552 And late... I don't mean "my time of the month." 897 00:34:55,594 --> 00:34:58,263 Although I'd prefer an unplanned pregnancy 898 00:34:58,305 --> 00:35:00,724 to the day I just had. 899 00:35:00,766 --> 00:35:03,060 We almost ran out of gas in the Holland Tunnel. 900 00:35:03,101 --> 00:35:05,521 That would've been fun. As if people coming from Jersey 901 00:35:05,562 --> 00:35:07,314 need something else to be angry about. 902 00:35:07,356 --> 00:35:10,067 So I can't tell you how good it is to be back... 903 00:35:10,108 --> 00:35:11,860 Shit. 904 00:35:11,902 --> 00:35:13,487 Shit! 905 00:35:14,613 --> 00:35:16,365 Shit. 906 00:35:16,406 --> 00:35:19,827 Professional comedy. 907 00:35:19,868 --> 00:35:23,163 I'm really glad to be back in New York City, my home. 908 00:35:23,205 --> 00:35:26,416 Where I have so many friends... who hate me. 909 00:35:26,458 --> 00:35:29,711 So much family... who are disappointed in me. 910 00:35:29,753 --> 00:35:34,049 Where my children live... until they abandon me. 911 00:35:34,091 --> 00:35:35,485 That's why New York is so great, though. 912 00:35:35,509 --> 00:35:36,945 Everyone you care about can despise you 913 00:35:36,969 --> 00:35:38,446 and you can still find a bagel so good, 914 00:35:38,470 --> 00:35:40,180 nothing else matters. 915 00:35:40,222 --> 00:35:41,598 Who needs love when you've got lox? 916 00:35:41,640 --> 00:35:43,392 They both stink but only one tastes good. 917 00:35:45,686 --> 00:35:48,105 Ladies and gentlemen, fellow assholes, 918 00:35:48,146 --> 00:35:50,315 you've been awfully nice to come home to. 919 00:35:50,357 --> 00:35:51,817 I'm Mrs. Maisel. 920 00:35:51,859 --> 00:35:54,403 Thank you and good night. 921 00:36:00,868 --> 00:36:02,345 Hey, what were those weird animal noises 922 00:36:02,369 --> 00:36:04,037 on the tape recorder? 923 00:36:04,079 --> 00:36:05,640 Can we just settle up? It's been a rough fucking week. 924 00:36:05,664 --> 00:36:07,165 Yeah, we all had a rough week. 925 00:36:07,207 --> 00:36:08,810 Thanks for auditioning; I'll pay ya next time. 926 00:36:08,834 --> 00:36:10,669 Whoa, whoa, whoa. This wasn't an audition. 927 00:36:10,711 --> 00:36:12,631 Are we ready to go? Please say we're ready to go. 928 00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,464 - He's not paying us. - What? 929 00:36:14,506 --> 00:36:16,216 Prick Rick. He's not paying us. 930 00:36:16,258 --> 00:36:17,527 He has to pay us. We have a contract. 931 00:36:17,551 --> 00:36:18,886 We don't have a contract. 932 00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:20,679 Why don't we have a contract? 933 00:36:20,721 --> 00:36:22,931 Because you're doing comedy, not rezoning the building. 934 00:36:22,973 --> 00:36:24,266 He owes us money. 935 00:36:24,308 --> 00:36:26,018 And I really, really need to shower. 936 00:36:26,059 --> 00:36:27,853 - Yeah. No shit. - Fuck you. 937 00:36:27,895 --> 00:36:29,771 Wait here. 938 00:36:32,024 --> 00:36:34,526 Hey, tough guy, you pay the guys and you don't pay the girls? 939 00:36:34,568 --> 00:36:36,170 Listen, you were late, and no one was drinking. 940 00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:37,821 How do you think we make our money? 941 00:36:37,863 --> 00:36:40,115 - Everybody was drinking. - And it wasn't a bar deal. 942 00:36:40,157 --> 00:36:41,450 Next time. Go home. 943 00:36:41,491 --> 00:36:43,118 - Clean up. - Hey. 944 00:36:43,160 --> 00:36:44,661 - Stay here. - Susie, wait. 945 00:36:44,703 --> 00:36:46,288 We are not leaving without our money. 946 00:36:46,330 --> 00:36:48,582 Stay here and watch the tape recorder. 947 00:36:50,208 --> 00:36:52,419 Shit. 948 00:36:59,217 --> 00:37:01,029 Susie? 949 00:37:01,053 --> 00:37:02,304 Susie, where are you? 950 00:37:02,346 --> 00:37:05,307 - I'm in the janitor's closet. - Did you get the money? 951 00:37:05,349 --> 00:37:07,559 Oh, yeah, I'm in here counting it right now. 952 00:37:07,601 --> 00:37:10,479 - Really? - No. What's wrong with you? 953 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:12,314 I'm tired, that's what's wrong with me. 954 00:37:12,356 --> 00:37:13,565 How did you get in there? 955 00:37:13,607 --> 00:37:15,025 That psycho shoved me in. 956 00:37:15,067 --> 00:37:17,152 Unlock the door. 957 00:37:17,194 --> 00:37:19,738 I-I think you need a key. 958 00:37:19,780 --> 00:37:21,323 I'm gonna kick his nuts so hard 959 00:37:21,365 --> 00:37:22,884 they're gonna be popping out of his nose. 960 00:37:22,908 --> 00:37:25,202 - I'm calling the police. - What are you, an idiot? 961 00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:26,923 You don't call cops to come to a nightclub. 962 00:37:26,954 --> 00:37:29,081 Just give me a minute to think. 963 00:37:31,541 --> 00:37:33,168 That wasn't a minute. 964 00:37:35,337 --> 00:37:37,422 Ow! Fuck! 965 00:37:37,464 --> 00:37:41,009 I did the gig. We were late, but I killed. 966 00:37:41,051 --> 00:37:42,844 And the asshole just won't pay us. 967 00:37:42,886 --> 00:37:44,513 Because he's an asshole. 968 00:37:44,554 --> 00:37:47,349 And I kicked a door and I can't leave without Susie. 969 00:37:47,391 --> 00:37:48,767 So I'm stuck. 970 00:37:48,809 --> 00:37:51,311 And I stink, and I scuffed my shoe, 971 00:37:51,353 --> 00:37:54,690 and I broke my toe and I want my goddamn money. 972 00:37:54,731 --> 00:37:56,483 - What's this asshole's name? - Susie. 973 00:37:56,525 --> 00:37:58,735 I know Susie; I meant the other asshole. 974 00:37:58,777 --> 00:38:00,779 - Ricky. - Ricky! 975 00:38:00,821 --> 00:38:02,239 Hey, Ricky! 976 00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,366 - That's him. - What's this? 977 00:38:04,408 --> 00:38:06,451 - You locked her manager in a closet? - What? 978 00:38:06,493 --> 00:38:08,120 No. It was a joke. 979 00:38:08,161 --> 00:38:10,080 Lighten up. We're in the comedy business, man. 980 00:38:10,122 --> 00:38:11,665 - Let her out. - Sheesh. 981 00:38:11,707 --> 00:38:13,709 No sense of humor. 982 00:38:22,217 --> 00:38:24,219 - Are you all right? - Yeah. 983 00:38:24,261 --> 00:38:26,513 - Did he do that? - What? This? 984 00:38:26,555 --> 00:38:29,099 - Oh, no. The bed ate me. See... - I don't want to know. 985 00:38:29,141 --> 00:38:30,392 Now pay them. 986 00:38:30,434 --> 00:38:32,144 - She was late. - Ten minutes. 987 00:38:32,185 --> 00:38:33,705 Doesn't matter. Pay her what you owe her. 988 00:38:33,729 --> 00:38:35,814 So you're her manager. 989 00:38:35,856 --> 00:38:37,208 I'm her manager, Ricky. You know that. 990 00:38:37,232 --> 00:38:38,912 - So who are you? - What's it matter? 991 00:38:38,942 --> 00:38:40,318 I like to know who I'm talking to. 992 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:41,379 - I'm her husband. - Her husband? 993 00:38:41,403 --> 00:38:43,363 Well, why the fuck don't you keep her... 994 00:38:43,405 --> 00:38:44,614 Joel. 995 00:38:44,656 --> 00:38:45,883 Wherever that sentence was going, 996 00:38:45,907 --> 00:38:47,093 it was gonna end up like that anyway. 997 00:38:47,117 --> 00:38:48,493 A whole new light, pal. 998 00:38:48,535 --> 00:38:49,637 Now pay her what you owe her. 999 00:38:49,661 --> 00:38:51,288 Fine. 1000 00:38:51,329 --> 00:38:53,540 You're lucky I don't sue you. 1001 00:38:55,459 --> 00:38:57,878 Hey, your nose is bleeding. 1002 00:38:57,919 --> 00:38:59,379 I miss something here? 1003 00:38:59,421 --> 00:39:00,756 - You the owner? - Yeah. 1004 00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:02,466 You let guys like that run your business? 1005 00:39:02,507 --> 00:39:04,926 - He's my sister's kid. - Family's nice. 1006 00:39:04,968 --> 00:39:06,511 Doesn't mean he can run your business. 1007 00:39:06,553 --> 00:39:09,181 Get some people working for you who respect the talent. 1008 00:39:09,222 --> 00:39:11,308 That's talent. 1009 00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,560 She could put this shithole on the map someday. 1010 00:39:13,602 --> 00:39:15,395 Wake the fuck up. 1011 00:39:18,482 --> 00:39:21,568 Yeah, and you also have to buy your janitor a new plunger. 1012 00:39:21,610 --> 00:39:25,238 The one in there is old and sad and lost its suction. 1013 00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:27,199 Sure. 1014 00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:29,076 - Is it all there? - Yup. 1015 00:39:29,117 --> 00:39:31,953 Nice doing business with you. 1016 00:39:31,995 --> 00:39:34,664 You got to teach me how to do that one day. 1017 00:39:42,798 --> 00:39:44,925 I'm gonna grab a cab home. 1018 00:39:44,966 --> 00:39:46,593 You want me to drop you? 1019 00:39:46,635 --> 00:39:49,096 No. I started this road trip with Susie 1020 00:39:49,137 --> 00:39:50,737 and I kind of want to finish it with her. 1021 00:39:50,764 --> 00:39:52,808 Thank you, Joel. 1022 00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:54,559 Anytime. 1023 00:40:00,649 --> 00:40:02,484 You didn't have to call him. 1024 00:40:02,526 --> 00:40:06,404 Unfortunately, sometimes to make things work in a man's world, 1025 00:40:06,446 --> 00:40:08,365 you need a man. 1026 00:40:08,406 --> 00:40:09,908 That's just the way it is, Susie. 1027 00:40:09,950 --> 00:40:11,743 I would have found a way to take care of it. 1028 00:40:11,785 --> 00:40:14,037 You may be some kind of damsel in distress, but I'm not. 1029 00:40:14,079 --> 00:40:17,082 No, you were a damsel in di-closet. 1030 00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:21,419 Someday. 1031 00:40:21,461 --> 00:40:24,089 Yeah. Someday. 1032 00:40:24,131 --> 00:40:25,674 Your commission. 1033 00:40:25,715 --> 00:40:27,551 Thanks. 1034 00:40:30,595 --> 00:40:31,763 You're counting it? Really? 1035 00:40:31,805 --> 00:40:33,640 Force of habit. 1036 00:40:48,446 --> 00:40:50,907 What the...? 1037 00:41:00,542 --> 00:41:02,085 How was Pennsylvania? 1038 00:41:02,127 --> 00:41:04,462 - Mama, what happened? - What happened? 1039 00:41:04,504 --> 00:41:05,714 There was a baby shower. 1040 00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:07,424 Did you forget again? 1041 00:41:07,465 --> 00:41:09,426 Should we have you checked out by a doctor? 1042 00:41:09,467 --> 00:41:12,012 But it was yesterday. 1043 00:41:12,053 --> 00:41:14,973 - I mean, where's Zelda? - Zelda? 1044 00:41:15,015 --> 00:41:17,976 Oh, no. It's your mess. 1045 00:41:18,018 --> 00:41:19,895 Good night. 1046 00:41:44,586 --> 00:41:47,422 ♪ In many ways ♪ 1047 00:41:47,464 --> 00:41:49,674 ♪ Still miss the good old days ♪ 1048 00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:53,637 ♪ Someday, someday ♪ 1049 00:41:53,678 --> 00:41:56,223 ♪ Yeah, it hurts to say ♪ 1050 00:41:56,264 --> 00:41:58,892 ♪ But I want you to stay ♪ 1051 00:41:58,934 --> 00:42:02,854 ♪ Sometimes, sometimes ♪ 1052 00:42:02,896 --> 00:42:05,440 ♪ When we was young ♪ 1053 00:42:05,482 --> 00:42:07,817 ♪ Oh, man, did we have fun ♪ 1054 00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:12,530 ♪ Always, always ♪ 1055 00:42:12,572 --> 00:42:14,532 ♪ Promises ♪ 1056 00:42:14,574 --> 00:42:16,910 ♪ They break before they're made ♪ 1057 00:42:16,952 --> 00:42:21,039 ♪ Sometimes, sometimes ♪ 1058 00:42:21,081 --> 00:42:25,669 ♪ Oh, my ex says I'm lacking in depth ♪ 1059 00:42:25,710 --> 00:42:30,340 ♪ I will do my best ♪ 1060 00:42:30,382 --> 00:42:34,844 ♪ You say you want to stay by my side ♪ 1061 00:42:34,886 --> 00:42:39,057 ♪ Darling, your head's not right ♪ 1062 00:42:39,099 --> 00:42:40,892 ♪ I say, alone we stand ♪ 1063 00:42:40,934 --> 00:42:43,186 ♪ Together, we fall apart ♪ 1064 00:42:43,228 --> 00:42:48,024 ♪ Yeah, I think I'll be all right ♪ 1065 00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:52,779 ♪ I'm working so I won't have to try so hard ♪ 1066 00:42:52,821 --> 00:42:56,408 ♪ Tables, they turn sometimes ♪ 1067 00:42:56,449 --> 00:42:59,452 ♪ Oh, someday ♪ 1068 00:43:02,455 --> 00:43:07,252 ♪ Now, I ain't wasting no more time ♪ 1069 00:43:17,762 --> 00:43:20,265 ♪ Ooh ♪ 1070 00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:24,019 ♪ Trying, trying. ♪