1 00:00:31,935 --> 00:00:35,463 Transcript: unknown Subtitle synchronization: F@R 2 00:01:44,894 --> 00:01:49,922 Lucy? Can you hear me? 3 00:01:55,054 --> 00:01:56,309 Lucy! 4 00:02:19,814 --> 00:02:22,203 You wearing perfume, love? 5 00:02:22,254 --> 00:02:24,131 It's the new air freshener thing. 6 00:02:24,174 --> 00:02:26,051 I bought it for the bathroom. 7 00:02:26,094 --> 00:02:28,927 Thought Maxxie got you perfume. Thought, "Here's posh, 8 00:02:28,974 --> 00:02:30,566 "boyfriend who buys you perfume." 9 00:02:30,614 --> 00:02:34,084 He'd buy me perfume if I asked. - I know. Do anything, wouldn't he? 10 00:02:34,134 --> 00:02:38,173 Long as you don't introduce him to the scary disabled mother, that is. 11 00:02:38,214 --> 00:02:42,571 I will introduce him to you. - When the cock crows thrice, I know. 12 00:02:43,894 --> 00:02:45,110 Done? 13 00:02:48,854 --> 00:02:53,006 Always leave the waters a tip, that's what your gran used to say. 14 00:02:58,774 --> 00:03:01,527 Did you hear that? 15 00:03:01,574 --> 00:03:04,805 The building's coming down, there's nothing we can do. 16 00:03:04,854 --> 00:03:06,572 If I'm to die, 17 00:03:06,614 --> 00:03:09,811 I'd rather it be with you than anyone else in the world. 18 00:03:09,854 --> 00:03:14,564 Darling, oh, darling, how long I've waited to hear those words. 19 00:03:17,294 --> 00:03:23,051 Once I was a lonely banker 20 00:03:23,094 --> 00:03:29,329 All I cared for were margins and accounts 21 00:03:29,374 --> 00:03:35,131 I'd pass you on the phone each morning 22 00:03:35,174 --> 00:03:41,409 I knew one day that love would sprout 23 00:03:42,574 --> 00:03:47,807 Then came the day Osama blew us away 24 00:03:47,854 --> 00:03:51,529 Osama blew them away 25 00:03:51,574 --> 00:03:56,204 And now I know how I feel 26 00:04:04,614 --> 00:04:09,324 Then came the day Osama blew us away 27 00:04:09,374 --> 00:04:12,844 Osama blew them away 28 00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:18,325 Then came the day Osama blew us away 29 00:04:18,374 --> 00:04:22,970 Osama blew them away 30 00:04:23,014 --> 00:04:24,652 Then came the day... 31 00:04:24,694 --> 00:04:27,333 No, no, no, no, NO! 32 00:04:28,934 --> 00:04:30,572 No. 33 00:04:36,414 --> 00:04:39,133 Do you know what this is? 34 00:04:39,174 --> 00:04:41,085 This is my script 35 00:04:41,134 --> 00:04:42,613 and I'm burning it. 36 00:04:42,654 --> 00:04:44,804 And do you know why? Becau... 37 00:04:44,854 --> 00:04:48,733 Does someone wanna give me a hand here, please? Quickly, quickly, thank you. 38 00:04:48,774 --> 00:04:51,572 Because... You know I've burnt my... fing... 39 00:04:51,614 --> 00:04:54,048 Because you made it shit! 40 00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,573 Shitl 41 00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:01,845 Do you know what we're doing here? 42 00:05:01,894 --> 00:05:03,373 Do you? 43 00:05:05,014 --> 00:05:06,527 Max... 44 00:05:06,574 --> 00:05:10,965 This is an opportunity, a real opportunity, to tell the tragedy of my people. 45 00:05:11,014 --> 00:05:16,042 You're American? - Yes, I am. Metaphorically. 46 00:05:16,094 --> 00:05:21,805 Look, in two hours' time, this woman will be dead. Dead! You know why? 47 00:05:21,854 --> 00:05:26,325 Because Osama in pyjamas is making his way up the stairs 48 00:05:26,374 --> 00:05:27,932 to take us unawares. 49 00:05:27,974 --> 00:05:30,169 Oh, get off me, Bruce. 50 00:05:30,214 --> 00:05:34,093 Outside, the world is crumbling, 51 00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:37,649 the towers are coming down. 52 00:05:37,694 --> 00:05:41,323 But soon... she'll forget. 53 00:05:42,894 --> 00:05:46,443 When two lips... Oh, sod it, time for show and tell. 54 00:05:55,454 --> 00:05:57,570 To paraphrase Mr Punch, son, 55 00:05:57,614 --> 00:05:59,252 That's the way to do it. 56 00:05:59,294 --> 00:06:03,048 Now, from Michelle's verse! Come on! Whoo! 57 00:06:09,134 --> 00:06:13,889 I'd bring you coffee and a bagel 58 00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:19,247 But you never had the time for me 59 00:06:21,494 --> 00:06:26,329 I dreamed that one day you'd say, "Hey, girl 60 00:06:26,374 --> 00:06:32,210 "That bagel's mighty fine, it's plain to see" 61 00:06:33,814 --> 00:06:38,365 Then came the day Osama blew us away 62 00:06:38,414 --> 00:06:42,532 Osama blew them away 63 00:06:42,574 --> 00:06:47,602 And now you know how I feel 64 00:06:50,414 --> 00:06:55,010 Then came the day Osama blew us away 65 00:06:55,054 --> 00:06:59,764 Osama blew them away... 66 00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:07,647 What the fuck?! 67 00:07:11,014 --> 00:07:14,484 It just slipped. Sorry. 68 00:07:28,374 --> 00:07:31,923 Not funny, OK? This is like the 15th present this week. 69 00:07:31,974 --> 00:07:34,932 It's getting quite spooky, innit? How's he getting in your locker? 70 00:07:34,974 --> 00:07:38,091 I wish he'd just tell me who he is. - What is it? 71 00:07:38,134 --> 00:07:39,726 An Oscar. 72 00:07:39,774 --> 00:07:41,332 Full of chocolate. 73 00:07:43,774 --> 00:07:48,052 Every actor's dream, though, innit? - What are you talking about, mate? 74 00:07:48,094 --> 00:07:49,971 Stalker - the ultimate accessory. 75 00:07:50,014 --> 00:07:52,244 Not everyone's as desperate for sex as you, Anwar. 76 00:07:52,294 --> 00:07:55,570 Sid! - No, he's right. See these hands? 77 00:07:55,614 --> 00:07:57,093 Fucking friction burns, man! 78 00:07:57,134 --> 00:08:00,809 My sisters are getting suspicious about their disappearing hand cream. 79 00:08:00,854 --> 00:08:02,606 I'm gonna get you laid tonight. 80 00:08:02,654 --> 00:08:06,533 I'll bring some spare hand cream, you just bring your smile! 81 00:08:38,854 --> 00:08:41,732 No, seriously, Sid, what have you come as? A cardboard Big Dickus? 82 00:08:41,774 --> 00:08:44,368 Gladiator to the stars. 83 00:08:44,414 --> 00:08:46,211 Fuck off! 84 00:08:46,254 --> 00:08:50,167 So, stalky-stalky-stalk-stalk. Do you think he's coming tonight? 85 00:08:50,214 --> 00:08:52,774 Shit! It could be any one of these people. - Don't! 86 00:08:52,814 --> 00:08:56,727 If he was clever, he'd come as a sort of film where the stalker wins. 87 00:08:56,774 --> 00:08:58,844 You know, Hugh Grant in Four Weddings. 88 00:08:58,894 --> 00:09:01,124 What? How is Four Weddings about stalking? 89 00:09:01,174 --> 00:09:04,928 Four weddings, one funeral, and Hugh just happens to be at all five. 90 00:09:04,974 --> 00:09:07,169 You'd think Andie MacDowell was cleverer than that. 91 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:10,843 Oh... my... God! 92 00:09:12,574 --> 00:09:15,042 Go on, guess. Guess. 93 00:09:15,094 --> 00:09:17,085 Eh? Give up? 94 00:09:17,134 --> 00:09:19,125 Daisy Werthan. 95 00:09:20,934 --> 00:09:22,970 I don't know who she is, either. 96 00:09:23,014 --> 00:09:26,165 Driving Miss Daisy! Best Picture Oscar, 1990. 97 00:09:26,214 --> 00:09:28,330 And this is my man, who is... 98 00:09:28,374 --> 00:09:30,012 Morgan Freeman. 99 00:09:30,054 --> 00:09:33,285 No! How many times have I got to tell you? 100 00:09:33,334 --> 00:09:37,088 OK, you're Hoke. Yeah? Actor, Freeman, part, Hoke. 101 00:09:37,134 --> 00:09:39,853 You don't know the first thing about films, do you, Kenneth? 102 00:09:39,894 --> 00:09:42,780 How many films have you seen, Chris? - What? Counting porn? 103 00:09:42,805 --> 00:09:45,406 Well, no. - One. Driving Miss Daisy. It's a classic. 104 00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:48,332 Interestingly, they did make a porn version of the film 105 00:09:48,374 --> 00:09:50,968 called Fisting Miss Daisy. 106 00:09:51,014 --> 00:09:55,212 It was a really good film. Really stood up to the original. Phenomenal. 107 00:10:10,214 --> 00:10:12,205 Here comes my leading lady. 108 00:10:12,254 --> 00:10:13,846 Whoo, what an entrance! 109 00:10:24,094 --> 00:10:26,130 What? - Oh! 110 00:10:26,174 --> 00:10:28,642 Princess Leia, right? Jinx! 111 00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:31,003 And you look so... 112 00:10:31,054 --> 00:10:32,612 home-made. 113 00:10:32,654 --> 00:10:36,010 Doesn't she, Tony? Gloriously quaint. 114 00:10:36,054 --> 00:10:37,373 Hi, Michelle. 115 00:10:37,414 --> 00:10:40,963 You dressed as Luke? For her? 116 00:10:41,014 --> 00:10:43,972 Well, I guess I... 117 00:10:46,334 --> 00:10:48,052 Did I? 118 00:10:48,094 --> 00:10:49,607 Tony! 119 00:10:51,334 --> 00:10:54,565 You think either of them's actually seen Star Wars? 120 00:10:54,614 --> 00:10:57,845 You reckon they know Luke's her brother? 121 00:11:02,094 --> 00:11:04,164 Solid! No... 122 00:11:04,214 --> 00:11:09,493 I stood here solid and no-one could rock me. 123 00:11:09,534 --> 00:11:13,732 But now comes a mullah who'll awe and shock me... 124 00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:16,334 Yep, that works. That really works. That's lovely. 125 00:11:16,374 --> 00:11:17,853 Mr Gelpart. 126 00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,204 Well, I never! The light-dropper. 127 00:11:22,254 --> 00:11:25,052 Thank you. Sincerely. No, I thank you. 128 00:11:25,094 --> 00:11:29,451 You made the rehearsal feel... dangerous. 129 00:11:29,494 --> 00:11:32,327 I want to act. - Yeah, well, who doesn't? 130 00:11:32,374 --> 00:11:35,093 I need Michelle's part. - What? 131 00:11:35,134 --> 00:11:36,453 She's terrible. 132 00:11:37,654 --> 00:11:39,804 I should play her. 133 00:11:39,854 --> 00:11:41,810 Oh, my dear... 134 00:11:43,031 --> 00:11:44,243 Come here. 135 00:11:44,294 --> 00:11:47,969 Acting is about truth. 136 00:11:48,014 --> 00:11:51,609 Truth is about beauty. 137 00:11:51,654 --> 00:11:56,853 Ugly people lack believability. Now, how can I put this kindly? 138 00:11:56,894 --> 00:11:59,203 You look like a liar. 139 00:12:01,174 --> 00:12:03,051 I really want that part. 140 00:12:03,094 --> 00:12:05,892 Mmm. Not on my ship, darling. 141 00:12:09,934 --> 00:12:13,324 In there, mate. Let's see what we can grab. 142 00:12:14,574 --> 00:12:16,451 Come on, Bruce. Where the goodies at? 143 00:12:17,454 --> 00:12:20,252 Whoa! Shit! If Bruce can get laid, anyone can. 144 00:12:20,294 --> 00:12:22,569 What's the plan, then, Rambo? 145 00:12:22,614 --> 00:12:25,367 It's an ancient dating strategy for getting laid. 146 00:12:25,414 --> 00:12:28,372 Mark yourself out of ten, and then aim two points below. 147 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,211 An eight goes for a six. 148 00:12:30,254 --> 00:12:32,893 That way, guaranteed success. 149 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:37,771 Look, a poodle doesn't get nothing with a Labrador, 150 00:12:37,814 --> 00:12:41,966 but if he aims for a Chihuahua? Woof! 151 00:12:42,014 --> 00:12:44,323 So what number are you, then, hound-dog? 152 00:12:44,374 --> 00:12:45,621 A seven. 153 00:12:50,414 --> 00:12:52,166 A six? 154 00:12:52,214 --> 00:12:53,613 I'm not a five. 155 00:12:54,614 --> 00:12:57,651 Am I a five? 156 00:12:57,694 --> 00:12:59,969 Mate, you're a seven. Course you are. 157 00:13:00,014 --> 00:13:02,653 Yeah, baby! So we need to find me a five, yeah? 158 00:13:59,094 --> 00:14:02,245 Mate, I've found your five. Wait here. 159 00:14:02,294 --> 00:14:03,613 What? Where? 160 00:14:04,614 --> 00:14:06,093 Hi, hello. 161 00:14:06,134 --> 00:14:07,647 Hi, I, er... 162 00:14:07,694 --> 00:14:12,563 You were the one who dropped the light, right? 163 00:14:12,614 --> 00:14:14,809 Maxxie. You're a fucking genius. 164 00:14:16,174 --> 00:14:17,846 You're single, right? 165 00:14:17,894 --> 00:14:19,612 What? 166 00:14:20,774 --> 00:14:24,130 You got a boyfriend? A guy? 167 00:14:24,174 --> 00:14:27,007 No. I've got no-one. I mean, yeah - I'm single. 168 00:14:28,312 --> 00:14:29,531 Cool. 169 00:14:29,556 --> 00:14:31,450 So what do you say... 170 00:14:31,494 --> 00:14:34,247 dance with my mate, Anwar? 171 00:14:34,294 --> 00:14:36,046 He's seventh heaven. 172 00:14:37,014 --> 00:14:40,404 Anwar? - Yeah, Anwar, baby. 173 00:14:40,454 --> 00:14:41,807 007. 174 00:14:41,854 --> 00:14:44,687 And you... my Chanel No 5. 175 00:14:47,934 --> 00:14:50,494 Sorry. I've got to go. 176 00:14:51,814 --> 00:14:53,213 What? Hang on. 177 00:15:00,214 --> 00:15:02,409 You sure I'm a seven? 178 00:15:04,934 --> 00:15:07,687 Let's look for some fours, shall we? 179 00:15:07,734 --> 00:15:09,804 Just in case. 180 00:15:39,374 --> 00:15:42,172 I can't believe after everything that's happened, 181 00:15:42,214 --> 00:15:44,045 you'd bring her to the party. 182 00:15:45,254 --> 00:15:47,210 She, er, says I'm her boyfriend. 183 00:15:57,254 --> 00:16:00,769 You're not Tony any more, are you? 184 00:16:00,814 --> 00:16:02,133 Yeah, I'm Tony. 185 00:16:02,174 --> 00:16:04,369 OK. 186 00:16:04,414 --> 00:16:08,805 On the day of the accident, you were on the phone to me. Tell me what you said. 187 00:16:11,894 --> 00:16:15,204 The doctors told me some things would take a while to come back. 188 00:16:18,054 --> 00:16:19,533 OK, then. 189 00:16:22,094 --> 00:16:23,652 Let's bring you back. 190 00:16:36,214 --> 00:16:39,729 Come on, come on. I want to touch you. 191 00:16:43,574 --> 00:16:46,412 I can't... - Course you can. 192 00:16:59,414 --> 00:17:00,927 You're not... 193 00:17:03,974 --> 00:17:05,930 No. I'm not. 194 00:17:08,894 --> 00:17:10,373 I've got to go. 195 00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:22,373 Not worth it, are they? 196 00:17:23,374 --> 00:17:24,602 Who the fuck are you? 197 00:17:33,534 --> 00:17:36,651 How come boys could do that to us? 198 00:17:36,694 --> 00:17:38,173 Make us feel like shit? 199 00:17:40,054 --> 00:17:41,533 He didn't... 200 00:17:44,494 --> 00:17:47,406 You don't understand. - OK. 201 00:17:47,454 --> 00:17:49,684 It's difficult for him now. 202 00:17:52,734 --> 00:17:54,167 Us now. 203 00:17:57,854 --> 00:18:01,529 But do you remember what it was like to kiss him for the first time? 204 00:18:03,694 --> 00:18:07,323 That magic moment when everything changed? 205 00:18:18,134 --> 00:18:19,692 Fancy a beer? 206 00:18:36,734 --> 00:18:39,885 I say I'm sorry 207 00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:42,687 But you won't forgive me 208 00:18:42,734 --> 00:18:45,726 You say that you're never mad 209 00:18:45,774 --> 00:18:48,925 But your anger fills up the room 210 00:18:48,974 --> 00:18:51,807 I've tried to find you 211 00:18:51,854 --> 00:18:54,573 And send you some money 212 00:18:54,614 --> 00:18:57,333 You think that it's funny 213 00:18:57,374 --> 00:19:02,494 And you laugh at me with all of your friends 214 00:19:06,694 --> 00:19:08,924 I've tried to reach you 215 00:19:08,974 --> 00:19:12,125 But I can't find your number... 216 00:19:52,294 --> 00:19:54,808 Is that you, Maxxie? 217 00:20:00,894 --> 00:20:03,362 It's the dog, I'm telling you. 218 00:21:31,494 --> 00:21:33,883 Hey, Dad. Night. 219 00:22:37,094 --> 00:22:38,413 Underpants. 220 00:22:40,494 --> 00:22:41,773 To the mirror. 221 00:22:44,894 --> 00:22:46,124 Cupboard. 222 00:22:49,214 --> 00:22:50,429 Trousers. 223 00:22:52,774 --> 00:22:54,038 Back to the mirror. 224 00:22:56,134 --> 00:22:57,692 Aftershave. 225 00:23:02,054 --> 00:23:03,262 Mirror again. 226 00:23:27,694 --> 00:23:30,162 Lucy? That you, love? 227 00:23:32,134 --> 00:23:33,613 Lucy? 228 00:23:35,654 --> 00:23:37,167 Yes, Mum. 229 00:23:38,174 --> 00:23:40,130 I need a hand in here. 230 00:23:42,694 --> 00:23:44,173 Jesus, Mum! What happened? 231 00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:47,490 When you weren't back when you said, I thought you'd gone to bed. 232 00:23:47,534 --> 00:23:49,286 But I wanted to check and... 233 00:23:49,334 --> 00:23:51,086 Am I wet? 234 00:23:51,134 --> 00:23:52,931 I'm wet, aren't I? 235 00:24:00,894 --> 00:24:03,044 Did you spend the night with him, love? - Don't. 236 00:24:05,854 --> 00:24:09,483 Let's get these wet clothes off. - No, wait. Better give me a pain pill first. 237 00:24:11,774 --> 00:24:13,287 Better make it two. 238 00:24:13,334 --> 00:24:15,689 No. The doctor said. 239 00:24:15,734 --> 00:24:18,646 They're emetics. I don't want you vomiting. 240 00:24:21,894 --> 00:24:23,805 You're a good girl. 241 00:24:23,854 --> 00:24:26,368 Maxxie's lucky to have you. 242 00:24:31,574 --> 00:24:32,845 Mum... 243 00:24:33,974 --> 00:24:35,965 ...I've got something to tell you. 244 00:24:37,734 --> 00:24:39,690 It was my fault. 245 00:24:39,734 --> 00:24:41,087 I was stupid. 246 00:24:42,574 --> 00:24:46,852 I wanted to be alone, so I went and sat in one of the bedrooms upstairs. 247 00:24:46,894 --> 00:24:48,452 And Bruce... 248 00:24:48,494 --> 00:24:51,372 Mr Gelpart, the drama teacher... 249 00:24:51,414 --> 00:24:54,929 he came in and asked whether I wanted comforting. 250 00:24:54,974 --> 00:24:57,090 And I didn't say no. 251 00:24:57,134 --> 00:24:59,967 It was his party and his house, so... 252 00:25:01,014 --> 00:25:03,528 And it was just his hands. 253 00:25:03,574 --> 00:25:06,168 Mr Gelpart's hands. 254 00:25:06,214 --> 00:25:10,765 I mean, he... didn't make me touch him or put his anything near me. 255 00:25:10,814 --> 00:25:13,453 Just kissed me on the cheek... 256 00:25:13,494 --> 00:25:15,291 and kept kissing me 257 00:25:15,334 --> 00:25:17,973 and rubbing his hands over me. 258 00:25:18,014 --> 00:25:20,289 And he said I was great... 259 00:25:20,334 --> 00:25:22,484 because I had little tits. 260 00:25:22,534 --> 00:25:24,650 "Almost like a boy," he said. 261 00:25:26,414 --> 00:25:30,453 And that was it. He didn't even touch any other part of me. 262 00:25:31,534 --> 00:25:33,206 Just my cheek... 263 00:25:33,254 --> 00:25:34,528 and my tits. 264 00:25:39,134 --> 00:25:43,366 Right. Cheek and tits. Right. 265 00:25:43,414 --> 00:25:45,052 Right. 266 00:25:46,054 --> 00:25:47,282 Tits. 267 00:25:48,614 --> 00:25:51,565 Right. Oh, dear! 268 00:26:23,654 --> 00:26:27,090 I heard he got his cock out and there's a tattoo on it of Harry Potter, 269 00:26:27,134 --> 00:26:30,922 and he starts shouting at Sketch, "Kiss Harry to make him magic!" 270 00:26:30,974 --> 00:26:33,568 Drama teachers, man. "Pretend to be a tree." 271 00:26:33,614 --> 00:26:35,684 "But I'm not a tree." "Well, pretend." 272 00:26:35,734 --> 00:26:38,089 Fucking perverts, the lot of 'em! 273 00:26:43,894 --> 00:26:45,486 Is it true? 274 00:26:47,094 --> 00:26:48,447 Yeah. It's true. 275 00:26:49,254 --> 00:26:55,124 Oh! That creep! That fucking animal! I'm so sorry, Sketch. 276 00:26:56,454 --> 00:27:02,290 I'm the one who should be sorry. I wasn't going to say anything, but my mum insisted and... 277 00:27:02,334 --> 00:27:04,768 Have I ruined everything? The play and... 278 00:27:04,814 --> 00:27:08,204 Fuck the play! Come and sit with us. 279 00:27:13,574 --> 00:27:15,485 That's grown up, Tony. 280 00:27:15,534 --> 00:27:17,570 I've finished. That's all. 281 00:27:27,774 --> 00:27:29,492 What you doing, you tramp? 282 00:27:33,934 --> 00:27:37,609 In my culture, we share our food. - Michelle's got a new friend, then. 283 00:27:37,654 --> 00:27:39,451 Yeah. 284 00:27:39,494 --> 00:27:43,043 It's a saveloy, man. It draws me in. It's the devil's plaything. 285 00:27:43,094 --> 00:27:45,050 It's an aphrodisiac, too, I've heard. 286 00:27:46,934 --> 00:27:50,893 Come on, Sketch. We can do better than these two. Let's go. 287 00:28:24,054 --> 00:28:25,965 Sketch? 288 00:28:26,014 --> 00:28:27,367 Sketch! 289 00:28:29,014 --> 00:28:31,005 Who is this? 290 00:28:31,054 --> 00:28:33,409 Who's this? Who are you? 291 00:28:33,454 --> 00:28:36,651 I've had enough of you kids playing. Leave us alone! 292 00:28:36,694 --> 00:28:39,766 What? Look! Do you have a daughter at the school? 293 00:28:39,814 --> 00:28:41,770 None of your business. Leave us alone! 294 00:28:41,814 --> 00:28:46,365 I need to know! This is important. Look, my name's Maxxie. 295 00:28:46,414 --> 00:28:48,450 Your name's Maxxie? 296 00:28:48,494 --> 00:28:49,847 Yeah. 297 00:28:49,894 --> 00:28:51,407 Maxxie in the school play? 298 00:28:53,414 --> 00:28:55,450 Maxxie who's dating my daughter? 299 00:28:58,574 --> 00:29:02,203 What?! - What are you even doing answering the door? 300 00:29:02,254 --> 00:29:04,131 The disgrace! - Disgrace? 301 00:29:04,174 --> 00:29:08,087 Lies, all lies! A boyfriend? No, you haven't. In the musical? No, you haven't. 302 00:29:08,134 --> 00:29:11,444 After all I've done for you, you fucking... you fucking... 303 00:29:13,374 --> 00:29:15,410 Oh, my God! The drama teacher! 304 00:29:15,454 --> 00:29:17,729 You've lied about him, too, haven't you? 305 00:29:19,054 --> 00:29:21,363 Well, I'm not gonna let you ruin a man's life. 306 00:29:24,134 --> 00:29:27,649 Ow! No! I didn't bring you up to be a liar! 307 00:29:27,694 --> 00:29:30,925 You didn't bring me up at all, you fucking... cripple! 308 00:29:38,454 --> 00:29:39,787 So... what? 309 00:29:41,174 --> 00:29:44,769 You going to keep holding me to the bed all day and all night, are you? 310 00:29:46,694 --> 00:29:49,288 Whatever trouble you're in, I'll support you. 311 00:29:49,334 --> 00:29:51,165 But this is a man's life. 312 00:29:56,534 --> 00:30:00,732 It's for your own good. Crawling out of bed isn't good for you. 313 00:30:02,374 --> 00:30:06,333 I will not... let you fuck up my life, Mum. 314 00:30:06,374 --> 00:30:07,606 OK? 315 00:30:27,294 --> 00:30:29,125 Lucy? 316 00:30:30,494 --> 00:30:32,086 Lucy! 317 00:30:36,054 --> 00:30:40,445 Just time to say the things I must 318 00:30:42,214 --> 00:30:47,049 Before my hopes all turn to dust 319 00:30:47,694 --> 00:30:50,003 Now nothing seems to matter 320 00:30:50,054 --> 00:30:53,524 And every word is true 321 00:30:53,574 --> 00:30:56,213 When I say I'm blown away 322 00:30:56,254 --> 00:30:58,563 With you 323 00:31:00,454 --> 00:31:03,173 Then came the day 324 00:31:03,214 --> 00:31:05,444 You blew me away 325 00:31:05,494 --> 00:31:08,372 Osama blew them away 326 00:31:09,734 --> 00:31:12,851 What can I say? 327 00:31:12,894 --> 00:31:14,805 You blew me away 328 00:31:14,854 --> 00:31:16,970 And now I'm falling... 329 00:31:17,014 --> 00:31:18,367 Now I'm falling 330 00:31:18,414 --> 00:31:20,325 We're falling... 331 00:31:21,694 --> 00:31:23,332 In love 332 00:31:31,814 --> 00:31:34,772 Ah, the magic of the stage! The thrill of anticipation! 333 00:31:34,814 --> 00:31:37,453 I feel like a Roman about to throw a lion at the Christians. 334 00:31:37,494 --> 00:31:39,052 Chris, it's a school musical. 335 00:31:39,094 --> 00:31:42,006 But who do you think would win between Maxxie and a lion? 336 00:31:42,054 --> 00:31:45,524 Osama The Musical, this is your half-hour call. 337 00:31:47,254 --> 00:31:49,245 Do you want to help me get dressed? 338 00:31:50,294 --> 00:31:52,728 You want me to look good, don't you? 339 00:31:54,974 --> 00:31:57,613 You nervous? - Oh, God! On a scale of one to... 340 00:31:57,654 --> 00:31:59,372 Oh, fuck scales, I'm shitting it! 341 00:31:59,414 --> 00:32:01,689 You're gonna be so good. 342 00:32:01,734 --> 00:32:03,884 I'm under-rehearsed and shit! 343 00:32:03,934 --> 00:32:06,573 Do you want something to get you through it? 344 00:32:07,814 --> 00:32:10,886 What have you got? - Pills of my mum's. 345 00:32:17,094 --> 00:32:19,892 You need to take three to get a decent hit. 346 00:32:19,934 --> 00:32:22,323 Anti-anxieties. They'll chill you out. 347 00:32:23,534 --> 00:32:25,923 Go on, I'd love to help you out. 348 00:32:28,654 --> 00:32:30,246 OK, thanks. 349 00:32:49,934 --> 00:32:51,765 My mother was right! 350 00:32:51,814 --> 00:32:55,773 "Do science," she said, "Do science. Science makes sense." 351 00:32:55,814 --> 00:32:59,011 But the lights drew me... like a moth to a flame. 352 00:33:01,414 --> 00:33:04,133 Right! Nothing for it. Cancellation o'clock. 353 00:33:04,174 --> 00:33:06,085 I know the words! 354 00:33:07,254 --> 00:33:08,972 What?! - You do? 355 00:33:11,334 --> 00:33:12,813 Oh, my God! 356 00:33:12,854 --> 00:33:16,210 I've been helping her learn them. I know them all. 357 00:33:16,254 --> 00:33:18,404 I think you just saved my Welsh rarebit. 358 00:33:19,974 --> 00:33:22,010 Let's get you into costume. 359 00:33:25,534 --> 00:33:29,129 We're over ten minutes late now. It's time for action. 360 00:33:36,014 --> 00:33:41,042 If Rome won't go to Mohammed, then Mohammed will clap until it does. 361 00:33:45,374 --> 00:33:48,650 Hi, Tony. - That's someone's seat. 362 00:33:48,694 --> 00:33:51,208 Yes, honey, it's for your queen bee. 363 00:33:51,254 --> 00:33:52,482 Zzzzzz! 364 00:33:57,294 --> 00:33:58,727 Works every time. 365 00:34:02,534 --> 00:34:07,892 We-e-e-e-e-e're... 366 00:34:07,934 --> 00:34:12,405 The last of the superpowers 367 00:34:12,454 --> 00:34:15,526 George Dubya is our leader 368 00:34:15,574 --> 00:34:19,328 We've still got both Twin Towers 369 00:34:19,374 --> 00:34:22,411 Never heard of Al-Qaeda 370 00:34:22,454 --> 00:34:26,129 It's September 11th 371 00:34:26,174 --> 00:34:28,847 Just another day 372 00:34:28,894 --> 00:34:32,967 In a tower in downtown heaven 373 00:34:33,014 --> 00:34:34,925 New York City 374 00:34:36,494 --> 00:34:38,052 U S of A 375 00:34:45,894 --> 00:34:48,647 Today will be better 376 00:34:48,694 --> 00:34:51,333 Today will be the one 377 00:34:51,374 --> 00:34:53,683 Today is no red letter 378 00:34:53,734 --> 00:34:56,123 It's out there to be won 379 00:34:56,174 --> 00:34:58,642 Today my sun is shining 380 00:34:58,694 --> 00:35:00,730 Today is somewhere new 381 00:35:00,774 --> 00:35:03,413 Today's a silver lining 382 00:35:03,454 --> 00:35:06,412 Today will see me through 383 00:35:06,454 --> 00:35:08,445 Today will be better 384 00:35:08,494 --> 00:35:11,054 Today will be the one 385 00:35:11,094 --> 00:35:13,483 Today is no red letter 386 00:35:13,534 --> 00:35:16,207 It's out there to be won 387 00:35:16,254 --> 00:35:18,006 Today you'll know I love you 388 00:35:18,054 --> 00:35:20,807 Today you'll see it's true 389 00:35:20,854 --> 00:35:24,005 Today's a day for saying "I love you" 390 00:35:27,654 --> 00:35:31,283 What a swell day to live in America! - Gee, it sure is, buddy! 391 00:35:36,214 --> 00:35:38,125 How much d'you make today? 392 00:35:38,174 --> 00:35:42,486 One million bucks! - Did you see the Wall Street Journal? 393 00:35:42,534 --> 00:35:46,049 Stocks are rising! Have a nice day! - Have a nice day! 394 00:35:56,134 --> 00:35:58,443 Today will be better 395 00:35:58,494 --> 00:36:01,327 Today will be the one... 396 00:36:05,494 --> 00:36:07,883 Michelle? - I'm in here, Tony. 397 00:36:11,774 --> 00:36:13,253 Don't come in. 398 00:36:13,294 --> 00:36:14,966 I've got vomit in my hair. 399 00:36:23,654 --> 00:36:25,645 I just searched half the school for you. 400 00:36:27,294 --> 00:36:28,773 I don't know why. 401 00:36:30,174 --> 00:36:32,244 Because you care about me. 402 00:36:34,534 --> 00:36:38,163 I told you I loved you, didn't I? The day it happened. 403 00:36:38,214 --> 00:36:39,533 The accident. 404 00:36:42,614 --> 00:36:46,289 Do you actually remember, or is that a guess? 405 00:36:46,334 --> 00:36:49,610 Does it matter? Doesn't change anything. 406 00:36:52,494 --> 00:36:53,726 No. 407 00:36:56,814 --> 00:36:58,850 Should I say something else now? 408 00:37:00,774 --> 00:37:01,989 No. 409 00:37:03,734 --> 00:37:05,565 Let's just say nothing for a bit. 410 00:37:23,734 --> 00:37:27,807 Michelle! Is Chelle OK? - I gave her some mild stuff to make her vomit. 411 00:37:27,854 --> 00:37:30,493 From the look of her waist, I'm sure she's thrown up worse. 412 00:37:30,534 --> 00:37:32,365 Who the fuck are you? 413 00:37:32,414 --> 00:37:34,609 Do you believe in magic, Maxxie? 414 00:37:36,325 --> 00:37:37,529 When we kiss... 415 00:37:37,574 --> 00:37:38,893 When we kiss... 416 00:37:38,934 --> 00:37:41,528 I'm gay! Do you understand that?! 417 00:37:41,574 --> 00:37:44,850 Look at me! I'm as close to a boy as you can get! 418 00:37:44,894 --> 00:37:46,850 You could love me. 419 00:37:47,934 --> 00:37:49,526 We could love each other. 420 00:37:49,574 --> 00:37:51,053 You're fucking crazy! 421 00:37:51,094 --> 00:37:53,050 Excuse me. Excuse me. 422 00:37:53,094 --> 00:37:55,654 ...You put it all together and what have you got? 423 00:37:55,694 --> 00:37:59,084 You can't help it, can't get it enough 424 00:37:59,134 --> 00:38:01,443 I'm Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Let's get stuffedl 425 00:38:01,494 --> 00:38:04,566 He's the Boogie-Woogie Bagel Boy Watch him move... 426 00:38:04,614 --> 00:38:07,174 You see? Just like a boy. 427 00:38:08,174 --> 00:38:11,564 Can you feel how hard my heart is beating? 428 00:38:11,614 --> 00:38:14,447 That's because by the end of this play, you'll have kissed me. 429 00:38:14,494 --> 00:38:19,045 And when you kiss me, everything will change. Maxxie, I love you. 430 00:38:39,254 --> 00:38:41,484 That's our cue. 431 00:38:49,334 --> 00:38:54,806 Once I was a lonely banker 432 00:38:54,854 --> 00:38:59,769 All I cared for were margins and accounts 433 00:39:01,494 --> 00:39:03,132 I dreamed 434 00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:07,531 Of Dow Jones and the FTSE 435 00:39:07,574 --> 00:39:13,285 I didn't see my credit running out 436 00:39:13,974 --> 00:39:19,412 I passed you on the phone each morning 437 00:39:20,014 --> 00:39:25,646 I always gave a cheery smile 438 00:39:25,694 --> 00:39:28,049 But you 439 00:39:28,094 --> 00:39:31,166 You never even saw me 440 00:39:32,174 --> 00:39:37,612 You were far too busy all the while 441 00:39:38,934 --> 00:39:43,610 Then came the day Osama blew us away 442 00:39:43,654 --> 00:39:47,329 Osama blew them away 443 00:39:47,374 --> 00:39:52,402 And now you know how I feel 444 00:39:54,454 --> 00:39:59,084 Then came the day Osama blew us away 445 00:39:59,134 --> 00:40:02,922 Osama blew them away 446 00:40:02,974 --> 00:40:07,843 Then came the day Osama blew us away 447 00:40:07,894 --> 00:40:12,012 Osama blew them away 448 00:40:12,054 --> 00:40:17,048 Then came the day Osama blew us away 449 00:40:17,094 --> 00:40:18,310 Osama blew them... 450 00:40:18,373 --> 00:40:20,210 Nothing. 451 00:40:20,254 --> 00:40:23,883 I felt... nothing. 452 00:40:24,974 --> 00:40:26,612 You disgust me. 453 00:40:30,974 --> 00:40:34,523 No! That's not how it goes! It's not! It's not! 454 00:40:34,574 --> 00:40:38,453 You think you can fuck my life up and I'll start fancying you? 455 00:40:38,494 --> 00:40:40,928 Look at yourself. 456 00:40:40,974 --> 00:40:42,532 Stay out of my life. 457 00:41:19,734 --> 00:41:20,962 Now, that's an ending! 458 00:41:38,974 --> 00:41:44,446 Must be the crazy blood in me 459 00:41:44,494 --> 00:41:48,043 Makes me feel like I do 460 00:41:49,294 --> 00:41:53,003 So mean and evil 461 00:41:54,614 --> 00:41:58,050 So low down and blue 462 00:41:58,094 --> 00:42:03,009 If you see me comin' 463 00:42:03,054 --> 00:42:07,684 Better turn and look away 464 00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:12,091 If I get too close to you 465 00:42:12,134 --> 00:42:14,967 Better close your eyes 466 00:42:15,014 --> 00:42:19,451 Can't go on this way... 467 00:42:29,294 --> 00:42:31,091 You look beautiful. 468 00:42:37,214 --> 00:42:39,853 You always look beautiful to me. 469 00:42:39,894 --> 00:42:43,284 ... So mean and evil 470 00:42:43,334 --> 00:42:46,087 So low down 471 00:42:46,134 --> 00:42:50,525 And blue 472 00:42:56,014 --> 00:42:58,130 Argh! Fuck! 473 00:43:00,014 --> 00:43:01,493 Oh. Hi. 474 00:43:04,574 --> 00:43:05,847 Hi. 475 00:43:08,522 --> 00:43:09,723 Hi. 476 00:43:09,774 --> 00:43:12,004 Can I come in? - Uh... 477 00:43:13,014 --> 00:43:14,447 Well, um... 478 00:43:14,494 --> 00:43:16,689 Maxxie says you're a psycho. 479 00:43:18,654 --> 00:43:20,372 He thinks I fancy him. 480 00:43:20,414 --> 00:43:23,292 I don't. I fancy you. 481 00:43:23,334 --> 00:43:27,612 I wanna have sex with you. But I can't do it from out here, can I? 482 00:43:28,694 --> 00:43:31,606 Shit, man! Biology revision, here I come! 483 00:43:39,414 --> 00:43:40,642 I'm a virgin. 484 00:43:40,694 --> 00:43:42,685 Oh. Congratulations. 485 00:43:46,774 --> 00:43:50,449 You mind if I list the complete filmography of Hugh Grant since '92? 486 00:43:52,614 --> 00:43:54,093 Slow things down. 487 00:43:59,374 --> 00:44:00,602 Bitter Moon. 488 00:44:01,814 --> 00:44:03,850 Remains Of The Day. 489 00:44:03,894 --> 00:44:06,692 Sirens. Four Weddings. 490 00:44:06,734 --> 00:44:10,010 An Awfully Big Adventure - that one was rubbish. 491 00:44:11,094 --> 00:44:12,846 The Englishman Who Came... 492 00:44:12,894 --> 00:44:14,964 Came Up A Hill... 493 00:44:15,014 --> 00:44:17,448 And Went Down A Mountain. 494 00:44:17,494 --> 00:44:19,803 Nine Months. Sense... 495 00:44:19,854 --> 00:44:21,810 And Sensibil... 496 00:44:24,054 --> 00:44:27,046 Restoration. Extreme Measures. 497 00:44:27,094 --> 00:44:30,973 Ah... Notting Hill. Mickey Blue Eyes. 498 00:44:31,014 --> 00:44:33,050 Small Time Crooks. 499 00:44:33,094 --> 00:44:35,050 Bridget Jones! Ah! 500 00:44:36,694 --> 00:44:38,446 Bridget... Jones! 501 00:44:46,174 --> 00:44:48,130 I never get as far as About A Boy. 502 00:44:49,231 --> 00:44:54,231 Transcript: unknown Subtitle synchronization: F@R