1 00:00:01,295 --> 00:00:03,544 You got to love public school-- free babysitting 2 00:00:03,545 --> 00:00:06,049 and a convenient place to throw away my car garbage. 3 00:00:06,050 --> 00:00:08,466 You ruined my son's life! 4 00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,382 Ah, Tara Summers-- 5 00:00:10,383 --> 00:00:11,882 my daughter's boyfriend's mother. 6 00:00:11,883 --> 00:00:14,091 If I had one free punch for anyone in the world, 7 00:00:14,092 --> 00:00:15,882 it would be Bryant Gumbel. 8 00:00:15,883 --> 00:00:18,841 But if I had two, it would be Tara Summers. 9 00:00:18,842 --> 00:00:21,382 Eyo doesn't want to be an anesthesiologist anymore. 10 00:00:21,383 --> 00:00:23,007 He wants to be a cartoon artist. 11 00:00:23,008 --> 00:00:24,632 Mm. He spends the day at your house, 12 00:00:24,633 --> 00:00:26,632 and now he wants to "follow his dreams." 13 00:00:26,633 --> 00:00:28,507 Sounds like a real bad seed. 14 00:00:28,508 --> 00:00:30,341 Hi, Mom. Hi, honey. 15 00:00:30,342 --> 00:00:33,132 Mama, can Autumn and I have a playdate? 16 00:00:33,133 --> 00:00:35,466 Why must all of our children insist on getting along? 17 00:00:35,467 --> 00:00:37,382 Of course you can, sweetie. 18 00:00:37,383 --> 00:00:38,716 - Yay! - Yay! 19 00:00:38,717 --> 00:00:41,257 Fine. But it has to be at my house. 20 00:00:41,258 --> 00:00:42,924 If Autumn spends a day with you, she'll come back wanting 21 00:00:42,925 --> 00:00:44,674 to be something awful when she grows up-- 22 00:00:44,675 --> 00:00:46,382 like a teacher. 23 00:00:46,383 --> 00:00:47,841 Come on. 24 00:00:47,842 --> 00:00:50,592 Hey, Mom, is cool if I catch a ride home with my friends today? 25 00:00:52,050 --> 00:00:55,549 Yes. And nice job joining the popular clique. 26 00:00:55,550 --> 00:00:56,757 Did you know I was the most popular girl 27 00:00:56,758 --> 00:00:58,216 in a high school of 5,000 people? 28 00:00:58,217 --> 00:01:00,424 I did, because you talk about it constantly. 29 00:01:00,425 --> 00:01:03,591 Well! Somebody sounds jealous. 30 00:01:03,592 --> 00:01:05,216 Have you seen Oliver? 31 00:01:05,217 --> 00:01:06,757 Yeah, he took the bus to ballet practice. 32 00:01:06,758 --> 00:01:08,257 Mm. 33 00:01:08,258 --> 00:01:11,341 I've been seen talking to my mom for a really long time, 34 00:01:11,342 --> 00:01:13,632 so I'm gonna go while I still have friends. 35 00:01:13,633 --> 00:01:15,549 Mm. 36 00:01:15,550 --> 00:01:17,841 Bye, Taylor! Have fun! 37 00:01:17,842 --> 00:01:20,342 First day without your blankie! I'm so proud of you! 38 00:01:22,175 --> 00:01:25,007 Is it possible I came to school for nothing? 39 00:01:25,008 --> 00:01:27,966 I've achieved what every stay-at-home mom dreams of-- 40 00:01:27,967 --> 00:01:29,966 a free afternoon. 41 00:01:29,967 --> 00:01:32,133 I'm going to Target to sit on the lawn furniture! 42 00:01:41,542 --> 00:01:44,041 {\an8}So that's why I was never picked first for any team sports. 43 00:01:44,042 --> 00:01:46,167 {\an8}Anyways, thanks for listening. 44 00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:49,666 {\an8}Katie. 45 00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,207 {\an8}Shouldn't you be picking up Oliver from ballet? 46 00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:53,624 Oh, crap! I forgot. 47 00:01:53,625 --> 00:01:55,124 {\an8}I'm still a little disoriented 48 00:01:55,125 --> 00:01:56,832 {\an8}from getting woken up from my Target nap. 49 00:01:56,833 --> 00:01:58,832 {\an8}If they don't want you to put three lawn chairs together 50 00:01:58,833 --> 00:02:00,666 {\an8}to form a bed, there should be a sign. 51 00:02:00,667 --> 00:02:02,541 {\an8}You got to be careful, or they will ban you. 52 00:02:02,542 --> 00:02:05,666 {\an8}Way ahead of you. I rotate Targets. Hm. 53 00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:07,041 {\an8}I got to go pick up Oliver. No, no, no. 54 00:02:07,042 --> 00:02:08,457 {\an8}Before you leave, 55 00:02:08,458 --> 00:02:10,166 {\an8}I'm doing a reading of my soon-to-be-published book, 56 00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:11,582 {\an8}"John Stuart Mill and the Consequences 57 00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:12,916 {\an8}of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook"-- 58 00:02:12,917 --> 00:02:14,707 I just like saying it-- 59 00:02:14,708 --> 00:02:16,625 and I need some help choosing a passage. 60 00:02:18,208 --> 00:02:19,666 Now, this passage 61 00:02:19,667 --> 00:02:21,707 {\an8}about his marriage to Harriet Taylor works, 62 00:02:21,708 --> 00:02:24,249 {\an8}but feels a little nichey. Don't you think it's nichey? 63 00:02:24,250 --> 00:02:25,707 {\an8}So nichey. Yeah. 64 00:02:25,708 --> 00:02:27,416 {\an8}So then, I considered this passage 65 00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:29,541 {\an8}about when Mill was the colonial administrator 66 00:02:29,542 --> 00:02:30,874 {\an8}in the British East India Company, 67 00:02:30,875 --> 00:02:31,957 but then I thought-- you don't put 68 00:02:31,958 --> 00:02:33,874 "Luke, I am your father" in the trailer. 69 00:02:33,875 --> 00:02:36,291 {\an8}No, you do not. 70 00:02:36,292 --> 00:02:38,625 {\an8}So I was wondering, what's your favorite passage? 71 00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:41,916 {\an8}Gosh, honey. 72 00:02:41,917 --> 00:02:45,375 {\an8}There are just so many that I love. Aww. 73 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:47,316 The first one, obviously. 74 00:02:47,317 --> 00:02:48,316 Mm-hmm. 75 00:02:48,317 --> 00:02:53,358 {\an8}And the second one... is just... 76 00:02:57,900 --> 00:03:00,232 {\an8}You haven't read my book, have you? 77 00:03:00,233 --> 00:03:01,982 {\an8}You know if it doesn't come in magazine form 78 00:03:01,983 --> 00:03:03,066 and have pictures of celebrities, 79 00:03:03,067 --> 00:03:04,525 I have no chance of staying awake. 80 00:03:06,108 --> 00:03:08,441 I can't read this right now. I got to go pick up Oliver. 81 00:03:08,442 --> 00:03:09,857 And they say tired driving 82 00:03:09,858 --> 00:03:11,774 is just as bad as drunk driving. 83 00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:12,942 Do you support drunk driving, Greg? 84 00:03:14,483 --> 00:03:15,816 I didn't think so. 85 00:03:26,900 --> 00:03:28,732 Drive! Go, go, go! 86 00:03:28,733 --> 00:03:29,774 Did you just try to pull off 87 00:03:29,775 --> 00:03:31,191 one last heist before retirement, 88 00:03:31,192 --> 00:03:32,566 but the crew member you trusted the most 89 00:03:32,567 --> 00:03:34,691 turned out to be working for the feds the entire time? 90 00:03:34,692 --> 00:03:36,899 What?! No! I just want to leave-- now! 91 00:03:36,900 --> 00:03:37,983 Punch it! 92 00:03:40,025 --> 00:03:42,482 Seriously, Oliver, what is going on? 93 00:03:42,483 --> 00:03:44,232 Did something happen in ballet? 94 00:03:44,233 --> 00:03:46,024 No, I just want to go. 95 00:03:46,025 --> 00:03:48,024 If you won't talk... 96 00:03:48,025 --> 00:03:49,817 then I'm gonna ask your teacher. 97 00:04:05,483 --> 00:04:07,149 Fine. You win. Let's go home. 98 00:04:07,150 --> 00:04:08,816 Sucker! 99 00:04:08,817 --> 00:04:10,774 Let this be a lesson to you-- trust no one. 100 00:04:10,775 --> 00:04:13,400 Not even your own mother. That's a terrible lesson! 101 00:04:15,025 --> 00:04:16,442 Excuse me, Nina? 102 00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:20,857 Oliver has been acting a little weird, 103 00:04:20,858 --> 00:04:22,149 and I was wondering if it's something 104 00:04:22,150 --> 00:04:23,607 that I should know about. 105 00:04:23,608 --> 00:04:25,567 Actually, there was... an incident. 106 00:04:26,817 --> 00:04:28,857 Oliver was paired up with Gina Tuscadero. 107 00:04:28,858 --> 00:04:31,482 The granddaughter of Pinky Tuscadero, 108 00:04:31,483 --> 00:04:34,649 which would make her Leather Tuscadero's grand-niece? 109 00:04:34,650 --> 00:04:37,107 Pinky and Leather are fictional characters from "Happy Days." 110 00:04:37,108 --> 00:04:38,649 Gina is a real person. 111 00:04:38,650 --> 00:04:40,191 Well, you're no fun. 112 00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:42,649 Oliver and Gina were practicing lifts. 113 00:04:46,525 --> 00:04:49,483 And right in front of the class... 114 00:04:52,983 --> 00:04:54,732 ...he kind of got a lift in his pants... 115 00:04:55,983 --> 00:04:57,524 ...if you know what I mean. 116 00:04:57,525 --> 00:04:59,607 Oliver chubbed out? 117 00:04:59,608 --> 00:05:02,317 Yes. That's what I mean. 118 00:05:04,358 --> 00:05:08,900 We're not talking about this-- not now, not ever. 119 00:05:12,900 --> 00:05:14,650 A-Are you smiling? 120 00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:17,650 No. 121 00:05:20,608 --> 00:05:22,941 Why are you so uptight? 122 00:05:22,942 --> 00:05:25,274 I am your mother. I used to bathe you. 123 00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:27,107 Yeah, well, I got new stuff since then. 124 00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:32,024 Oliver, come on! Let's talk about this. 125 00:05:32,025 --> 00:05:32,941 There's nothing to discuss. 126 00:05:32,942 --> 00:05:34,900 I'm never going to ballet again. 127 00:05:36,025 --> 00:05:37,399 What's wrong with him? 128 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:40,441 Remember the deal we made when we decided to have kids? 129 00:05:40,442 --> 00:05:42,941 You handle the vagina questions and I handle the penisy ones? 130 00:05:42,942 --> 00:05:43,942 Exactly. 131 00:05:46,900 --> 00:05:49,274 We had the best playdate ever. 132 00:05:49,275 --> 00:05:50,816 Anna-Kat, tell your mom about it, 133 00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,816 and don't leave out any detail. 134 00:05:52,817 --> 00:05:54,441 Well, we went to the petting zoo. 135 00:05:54,442 --> 00:05:56,107 That sounds like fun. 136 00:05:56,108 --> 00:05:58,691 It was fun, but then I learned some pretty disturbing things 137 00:05:58,692 --> 00:05:59,857 about where meat comes from. 138 00:05:59,858 --> 00:06:01,982 Oh, no. Oh, yes. 139 00:06:01,983 --> 00:06:03,816 And after talking it out with Mrs. Summers... 140 00:06:03,817 --> 00:06:04,941 That's me. 141 00:06:04,942 --> 00:06:06,942 ...I've decided to become a vegan. 142 00:06:10,775 --> 00:06:12,857 You bitch. 143 00:06:12,858 --> 00:06:15,816 Hm. Have fun with your daughter's new lifestyle. 144 00:06:15,817 --> 00:06:18,691 P.S.-- I literally told her how the sausage is made. 145 00:06:18,692 --> 00:06:20,482 Bye. 146 00:06:22,233 --> 00:06:24,358 Huh. Anna-Kat's a vegan. 147 00:06:30,233 --> 00:06:31,607 The quiet makes me nervous. 148 00:06:31,608 --> 00:06:33,524 If she is a vegan, 149 00:06:33,525 --> 00:06:36,941 that means I will have to cook two meals every meal. 150 00:06:36,942 --> 00:06:38,524 It doubles my workload. 151 00:06:38,525 --> 00:06:40,149 And I don't want to shop at the weird aisle 152 00:06:40,150 --> 00:06:42,107 in the grocery store. I hate that aisle! 153 00:06:42,108 --> 00:06:44,024 They sell soup in boxes. It's unnatural. 154 00:06:44,025 --> 00:06:45,566 They do have nice lotions, though. 155 00:06:45,567 --> 00:06:46,899 Just when you think you have everything under control, 156 00:06:46,900 --> 00:06:48,316 your kids change on you. 157 00:06:48,317 --> 00:06:50,649 I don't change! You don't see me having growth. 158 00:06:50,650 --> 00:06:52,357 I certainly do not. 159 00:06:52,358 --> 00:06:54,274 I'll handle Anna-Kat. You talk to Oliver. 160 00:06:54,275 --> 00:06:55,899 Got it. 161 00:06:55,900 --> 00:06:57,732 Wait. What's wrong with Oliver? 162 00:06:57,733 --> 00:07:01,566 He had a moment in ballet class where he was... 163 00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:04,441 you at my nana's funeral. 164 00:07:04,442 --> 00:07:06,524 We agreed that was not my fault. 165 00:07:06,525 --> 00:07:08,857 We were packed in like sardines, and you look sexy in black. 166 00:07:10,608 --> 00:07:14,441 Anna-Kat, animals are actually happy to be eaten. 167 00:07:14,442 --> 00:07:15,816 We're doing them a solid. 168 00:07:15,817 --> 00:07:18,066 Non-vegan food is full of hormones, Mama. 169 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:20,649 Do you want me to get my period when I'm 9? 170 00:07:20,650 --> 00:07:22,732 I'm gonna kill Tara Summers! 171 00:07:22,733 --> 00:07:25,441 I am a vegan, I will always be a vegan, 172 00:07:25,442 --> 00:07:29,607 and there is nothing you can do to change my mind. 173 00:07:29,608 --> 00:07:31,107 I'll give you 10 bucks to stop. 174 00:07:31,108 --> 00:07:33,524 Please. Ohhhh. 175 00:07:33,525 --> 00:07:35,357 Son, you're an Otto. 176 00:07:35,358 --> 00:07:38,357 That means you're genetically predisposed to humiliation. 177 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,899 Your cousin Freddy kissed his own mother 178 00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:43,274 because he panicked on a kiss cam at a Knicks game. 179 00:07:43,275 --> 00:07:45,774 Your grandfather Reginald had a lactose issue, 180 00:07:45,775 --> 00:07:47,691 which ultimately made his roommate, 181 00:07:47,692 --> 00:07:49,816 Donald Whoopie, millions. 182 00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,857 Your great-grandfather Frederick Otto-- Dad, what's your point? 183 00:07:51,858 --> 00:07:53,316 My point is, they didn't let those 184 00:07:53,317 --> 00:07:55,107 embarrassing moments define them. 185 00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,607 Yeah, but it did define them. 186 00:07:56,608 --> 00:07:57,816 All these years later, 187 00:07:57,817 --> 00:07:59,858 that's all they're remembered for, right? 188 00:08:05,858 --> 00:08:08,067 I'm gonna need some time to regroup. 189 00:08:10,775 --> 00:08:12,899 How did it go? Awful. You? 190 00:08:12,900 --> 00:08:15,149 She almost convinced me that cheese has feelings. 191 00:08:15,150 --> 00:08:17,274 Had to get out of there. Well, at least only two 192 00:08:17,275 --> 00:08:18,732 of the three kids are-- Hey, guys. 193 00:08:18,733 --> 00:08:20,191 What do you think? 194 00:08:20,192 --> 00:08:21,774 Never mind. Three for three. 195 00:08:21,775 --> 00:08:22,774 So you like it? 196 00:08:22,775 --> 00:08:25,232 What has gotten into you? 197 00:08:25,233 --> 00:08:27,066 You are not allowed to dye your hair 198 00:08:27,067 --> 00:08:28,357 without asking for permission. 199 00:08:28,358 --> 00:08:30,482 Uh, I'm pretty sure I can, because I just did. 200 00:08:30,483 --> 00:08:32,482 And it's my hair! That is not your hair! 201 00:08:32,483 --> 00:08:34,941 As long as you live in this house, it's my hair. 202 00:08:34,942 --> 00:08:36,691 Everything you have is mine! 203 00:08:36,692 --> 00:08:38,691 Your liver? I'm letting you borrow it. 204 00:08:38,692 --> 00:08:39,899 You could at least admit it's cute. 205 00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,691 Cute?! It's not cute! 206 00:08:43,817 --> 00:08:46,649 A pig in a skirt-- that's cute! 207 00:08:46,650 --> 00:08:48,649 Ugh! These girls are killing me! 208 00:08:48,650 --> 00:08:50,566 I need to lie down. 209 00:08:50,567 --> 00:08:51,774 Where are you going? 210 00:08:51,775 --> 00:08:52,899 Target. 211 00:08:59,192 --> 00:09:01,024 My girls are growing up and not bending to my will. 212 00:09:01,025 --> 00:09:03,899 They're forming their own... opinions. 213 00:09:03,900 --> 00:09:05,857 Ugh. It's your fault, Katie. 214 00:09:05,858 --> 00:09:07,649 You always ask them "What's the matter?" 215 00:09:07,650 --> 00:09:08,816 when they're crying. 216 00:09:08,817 --> 00:09:10,357 Personally, Katie, I don't see what's wrong 217 00:09:10,358 --> 00:09:11,691 with your children being their own people. 218 00:09:11,692 --> 00:09:13,441 Surprise, surprise. What? 219 00:09:13,442 --> 00:09:15,066 Taylor is just trying to be popular, 220 00:09:15,067 --> 00:09:17,399 and Anna-Kat is just showing some independence. 221 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:20,524 Who invited lesbian Dr. Phil to breakfast? 222 00:09:20,525 --> 00:09:23,149 Uh, just because I care about my kids' feelings... 223 00:09:23,150 --> 00:09:24,982 Yeah, so dumb. 224 00:09:24,983 --> 00:09:27,024 You're dealing with a full-on uprising. 225 00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,899 You can't talk things through with them. 226 00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,357 You need to crush them before your house 227 00:09:30,358 --> 00:09:32,524 becomes like Angela's. Um, my house 228 00:09:32,525 --> 00:09:34,399 is a safe space where everyone is allowed 229 00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,482 to openly express their truths. 230 00:09:38,150 --> 00:09:39,649 Kids! 231 00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:43,441 I respect that you enjoy spraying water in the house, 232 00:09:43,442 --> 00:09:44,857 but I've asked you to stop, 233 00:09:44,858 --> 00:09:47,774 and now I'm feeling a little unheard. 234 00:09:49,733 --> 00:09:52,191 I can see you're not in a place to discuss the issue right now, 235 00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,982 so we can talk about it at bedtime. 236 00:09:53,983 --> 00:09:56,316 Which is, as always, at your discretion. 237 00:09:57,358 --> 00:09:59,483 So yeah, I'm a good mother. 238 00:10:00,608 --> 00:10:02,275 But your story didn't prove-- I'm a good mother. 239 00:10:03,317 --> 00:10:04,482 Mm. 240 00:10:04,483 --> 00:10:06,649 Kids, line up! 241 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:12,066 You are all going to start behaving right now. 242 00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:13,399 Okay, Mom, I'll dye my hair back. 243 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,399 And I'll eat meat again. 244 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:15,941 And I'll stop with the erections. 245 00:10:15,942 --> 00:10:16,899 Yes! 246 00:10:16,900 --> 00:10:18,482 I'm the best mom ever. 247 00:10:18,483 --> 00:10:21,024 So, which passage? 248 00:10:21,025 --> 00:10:23,399 Oh, God! I must've fallen asleep. 249 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,982 Come on, Katie. What's your favorite passage? 250 00:10:25,983 --> 00:10:27,982 I don't need to pick a passage. 251 00:10:27,983 --> 00:10:30,066 I know everything about this guy. 252 00:10:30,067 --> 00:10:31,899 You don't even know his name. 253 00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:33,774 You keep calling him "Rod Stewart Mill." 254 00:10:33,775 --> 00:10:36,107 Mom, my phone's not working. 255 00:10:36,108 --> 00:10:38,232 Get your keys. We need to go get a new one. 256 00:10:38,233 --> 00:10:39,774 What is wrong with you? 257 00:10:39,775 --> 00:10:41,107 Why are you just standing there?! 258 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,941 This is my life, and I'm being cut off! 259 00:10:42,942 --> 00:10:44,566 I'm missing things! 260 00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:45,774 Well, Taylor, since you're doing 261 00:10:45,775 --> 00:10:47,232 what you want with your hair, 262 00:10:47,233 --> 00:10:49,316 I'm doing what I want with my phone. 263 00:10:49,317 --> 00:10:51,274 You see, it's mine, because I paid for it, 264 00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:53,399 so I turned the service off. 265 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,067 You are the worst! 266 00:10:56,275 --> 00:10:57,441 A couple of days without her cellphone-- 267 00:10:57,442 --> 00:10:59,899 that just might do it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. 268 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,567 And just to be sure... 269 00:11:03,067 --> 00:11:04,732 Where's all my stuff?! 270 00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:06,274 If you're old enough to dye your own hair, 271 00:11:06,275 --> 00:11:08,316 then you're old enough to get your own stuff! 272 00:11:08,317 --> 00:11:10,691 You got rid of all her things? I did. 273 00:11:10,692 --> 00:11:12,316 Everything? Her bed, her dresser? 274 00:11:12,317 --> 00:11:13,941 All of it's in the garage. How did you-- 275 00:11:13,942 --> 00:11:15,941 You know how when a child is stuck under a car, 276 00:11:15,942 --> 00:11:17,857 a mother's love can give her superhuman strength? 277 00:11:17,858 --> 00:11:20,899 Turns out, it also kicks in when a mother's really pissed. 278 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:21,899 Mm. 279 00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:23,482 And you. 280 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:25,857 You're coming with me to shop for your very own dinner. 281 00:11:25,858 --> 00:11:27,399 That sounds like fun. 282 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:28,899 Sorry, Katie. I just can't get my head around this. 283 00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:30,732 That dresser's 200 pounds. 284 00:11:30,733 --> 00:11:32,941 Rage, Greg. It makes me strong. 285 00:11:40,150 --> 00:11:42,274 Welcome to Hell. 286 00:11:42,275 --> 00:11:45,316 This aisle is filled with all sorts of vegan nightmares. 287 00:11:45,317 --> 00:11:47,191 Here's some deodorant that doesn't work, 288 00:11:47,192 --> 00:11:48,732 something called yeast butter, 289 00:11:48,733 --> 00:11:50,982 and-- ooh-- a guy with his hair in a bun. 290 00:11:50,983 --> 00:11:54,274 He looks homeless, but he's spending 15 bucks on hemp milk. 291 00:11:54,275 --> 00:11:56,066 Okay. 292 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,399 For dinner, I was thinking 293 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:01,441 I'll just fill this thing with this slimy stuff. 294 00:12:01,442 --> 00:12:04,816 As long as it didn't have parents, I'll eat it. 295 00:12:04,817 --> 00:12:06,274 Excuse me. 296 00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:08,482 Everything in this aisle is just so natural. 297 00:12:08,483 --> 00:12:10,691 Ugh. I need a bath and a turkey leg. 298 00:12:10,692 --> 00:12:14,732 Katie Otto, in my aisle, buying tofu. 299 00:12:14,733 --> 00:12:16,191 Give it a rest, Tara. 300 00:12:16,192 --> 00:12:18,649 No, it's still fun. 301 00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:21,524 Anna-Kat, did you know that leather comes from cow skin? 302 00:12:21,525 --> 00:12:23,567 Your mother's purse used to be an animal. 303 00:12:24,775 --> 00:12:27,816 Oh. No. Not this purse. 304 00:12:27,817 --> 00:12:29,441 Excuse me. 305 00:12:29,442 --> 00:12:31,649 Would you please get that blue jar of Veganaise for me? 306 00:12:31,650 --> 00:12:33,482 My pleasure. 307 00:12:35,567 --> 00:12:38,816 No. It's my pleasure. 308 00:12:46,067 --> 00:12:48,107 Sloppy joes? 309 00:12:48,108 --> 00:12:50,024 Sloppy joes are my favorite. 310 00:12:50,025 --> 00:12:51,191 They are? 311 00:12:51,192 --> 00:12:52,857 Too bad you don't eat meat anymore. 312 00:12:52,858 --> 00:12:54,691 Your dinner is this. 313 00:12:54,692 --> 00:12:56,441 It's called brown-loaf. 314 00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:59,607 And it tastes exactly like it sounds. Yuck. 315 00:12:59,608 --> 00:13:00,691 Hey, you should picture that next time 316 00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,108 you lift Gina Tuscadero. 317 00:13:03,608 --> 00:13:05,982 Okay, Mom. Ha ha ha. 318 00:13:05,983 --> 00:13:07,482 I get it. 319 00:13:07,483 --> 00:13:09,732 I can't use your plates or your silverware. 320 00:13:09,733 --> 00:13:12,232 But come on. It's sloppy joes. I'll make a mess. 321 00:13:12,233 --> 00:13:14,066 Actually, blondie, you don't get it. 322 00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:15,774 If you're old enough to dye your hair, 323 00:13:15,775 --> 00:13:17,983 then you're old enough to make your own dinner with your own food. 324 00:13:19,150 --> 00:13:20,607 I'm calling Child Services! 325 00:13:20,608 --> 00:13:21,649 With what? 326 00:13:21,650 --> 00:13:22,857 Ugh! 327 00:13:22,858 --> 00:13:24,524 Uprising crushed. 328 00:13:24,525 --> 00:13:26,232 Opinions and ideas squelched. 329 00:13:26,233 --> 00:13:29,316 Children-- sad. Mom-- happy. 330 00:13:29,317 --> 00:13:31,816 Husband-- messy. 331 00:13:31,817 --> 00:13:33,691 How does it taste, Anna-Kat? 332 00:13:33,692 --> 00:13:36,607 Brown and loafy? 333 00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:38,149 It tastes like dirt. 334 00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,066 I love dirt. 335 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:41,941 I just used the family computer 336 00:13:41,942 --> 00:13:44,024 to order myself a pizza and an air mattress. 337 00:13:44,025 --> 00:13:46,232 Should be here in 30 minutes or less. 338 00:13:46,233 --> 00:13:48,024 How the hell did you do that? 339 00:13:48,025 --> 00:13:49,524 I have some birthday money saved up, 340 00:13:49,525 --> 00:13:50,899 and the Internet is awesome. 341 00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:51,900 It is awesome. 342 00:13:53,275 --> 00:13:55,857 The Internet, not that she outsmarted you. 343 00:13:55,858 --> 00:13:57,482 That's awful. 344 00:13:57,483 --> 00:13:59,066 Brown-loaf awful. 345 00:13:59,067 --> 00:14:01,107 Brown-loaf is my new favorite. 346 00:14:01,108 --> 00:14:02,858 Wow, Katie, you have really lost control. 347 00:14:04,733 --> 00:14:05,692 Uggggh. 348 00:14:09,983 --> 00:14:11,066 I cracked down on my kids, like you suggested, 349 00:14:11,067 --> 00:14:12,524 but it only made them crappier. 350 00:14:12,525 --> 00:14:14,274 Well, then, you have to double down. 351 00:14:14,275 --> 00:14:16,441 Give Taylor a one-way bus ticket to Norwalk. 352 00:14:16,442 --> 00:14:17,649 Let her fend for herself, 353 00:14:17,650 --> 00:14:18,982 live in a box with her huffer friends, 354 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:20,899 and she'll come crawling back. 355 00:14:20,900 --> 00:14:22,357 Now, as for Anna-Kat, I'm thinking, 356 00:14:22,358 --> 00:14:24,691 uh... dog crate for a few days, 357 00:14:24,692 --> 00:14:26,691 and then throw in a hamburger. 358 00:14:26,692 --> 00:14:28,274 Saying things like that is why those people 359 00:14:28,275 --> 00:14:30,482 came and talked to you at your house. 360 00:14:30,483 --> 00:14:32,066 You know what I think you should do-- 361 00:14:32,067 --> 00:14:34,441 talk to them-- not as a parent, but as a person. 362 00:14:34,442 --> 00:14:35,982 Oh, my God, here we go. 363 00:14:35,983 --> 00:14:38,232 Listen, if you shut your kids down all the time, 364 00:14:38,233 --> 00:14:39,982 they'll start doing things behind your back. 365 00:14:39,983 --> 00:14:42,107 My parents gave me a long leash, 366 00:14:42,108 --> 00:14:43,441 so I felt comfortable talking to them. 367 00:14:43,442 --> 00:14:45,316 And by the time I was Taylor's age, 368 00:14:45,317 --> 00:14:47,357 I knew I could tell them I was gay. 369 00:14:47,358 --> 00:14:49,941 Some of my friends weren't so lucky. 370 00:14:49,942 --> 00:14:51,607 They hid who they were and led a secret life, 371 00:14:51,608 --> 00:14:54,066 which sucked for them. 372 00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:57,024 So, sure, your kids need to know you as a parent, 373 00:14:57,025 --> 00:15:00,107 but at a certain age, they need to know you as a person. 374 00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,316 Give them your heart and give them your soul, 375 00:15:02,317 --> 00:15:04,232 and they'll know they can come to you with anything. 376 00:15:06,775 --> 00:15:09,983 If Katie wasn't here, you and I would not be friends. 377 00:15:12,108 --> 00:15:14,107 So, I'm going to stop taking Doris' advice 378 00:15:14,108 --> 00:15:15,441 and try Angela's way. 379 00:15:15,442 --> 00:15:17,441 I'm gonna embrace the fact that Taylor's changing 380 00:15:17,442 --> 00:15:19,649 and try talking to her-- like a person. 381 00:15:19,650 --> 00:15:21,442 Hey, if that works on her, maybe you should try it on me. 382 00:15:22,817 --> 00:15:24,982 Noooo! Noooo! 383 00:15:24,983 --> 00:15:26,941 Are you gonna try talking to Oliver again? 384 00:15:26,942 --> 00:15:29,274 Yeah. You know, I finally found a passage for my reading, 385 00:15:29,275 --> 00:15:31,567 and it inspired me to try to give him some perspective. 386 00:15:32,692 --> 00:15:34,482 So you inspired yourself? 387 00:15:34,483 --> 00:15:36,524 Yeah, well... 388 00:15:36,525 --> 00:15:38,649 I guess I did. 389 00:15:38,650 --> 00:15:40,607 Perhaps you should read it. 390 00:15:40,608 --> 00:15:43,107 It may help you with Taylor, as well. 391 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:46,608 Uhhhhhhhhhhh... 392 00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:48,525 Whoa! 393 00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,149 You're doing homework without being forced or threatened? 394 00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:55,733 Yes. See what you've reduced me to? 395 00:15:57,108 --> 00:16:00,857 I came here to tell you that when I was your age, 396 00:16:00,858 --> 00:16:03,316 I desperately wanted a belly ring. 397 00:16:03,317 --> 00:16:06,024 But instead of asking Grandma for permission, 398 00:16:06,025 --> 00:16:08,149 I had Jill Tate shove a safety pin 399 00:16:08,150 --> 00:16:09,566 right through my belly button. 400 00:16:09,567 --> 00:16:10,816 Didn't that hurt? 401 00:16:10,817 --> 00:16:11,900 It would've, but I was super hi-- 402 00:16:13,900 --> 00:16:15,857 I had a super-high pain tolerance back then. 403 00:16:15,858 --> 00:16:18,107 Uh-huh. So, anyway, 404 00:16:18,108 --> 00:16:20,607 my piercing got infected, obviously, 405 00:16:20,608 --> 00:16:22,274 but I couldn't ask my parents for help. 406 00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:23,316 So what'd you do? 407 00:16:23,317 --> 00:16:25,066 Wore a lot of baggy shirts. 408 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:27,982 And eventually, I had to steal my dog's antibiotics, 409 00:16:27,983 --> 00:16:29,816 which did the trick. 410 00:16:29,817 --> 00:16:32,733 But without his medication, Duke lost most of his fur. 411 00:16:36,858 --> 00:16:39,107 I'm sorry I dyed my hair without permission. 412 00:16:39,108 --> 00:16:41,191 Why didn't you come talk to me first? 413 00:16:41,192 --> 00:16:43,524 Because-- I knew you would say no. 414 00:16:43,525 --> 00:16:45,107 Sounds like me. 415 00:16:45,108 --> 00:16:46,566 How 'bout this? 416 00:16:46,567 --> 00:16:49,816 I won't automatically say no to things 417 00:16:49,817 --> 00:16:51,732 if you promise to talk to me first. 418 00:16:51,733 --> 00:16:53,482 Deal. 419 00:16:53,483 --> 00:16:55,566 So I can keep my hair? Absolutely not. 420 00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:57,816 That is not grandfathered into our new understanding. 421 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:58,941 And even with our new understanding, 422 00:16:58,942 --> 00:16:59,983 I still would say no. 423 00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:02,774 I don't see what I've won here. 424 00:17:02,775 --> 00:17:03,900 Very little. 425 00:17:07,442 --> 00:17:09,149 How did it go? 426 00:17:09,150 --> 00:17:11,399 I gave him my best stuff, but he's still not going to ballet. 427 00:17:12,858 --> 00:17:14,982 Ooh. Suddenly, I feel underdressed. 428 00:17:18,192 --> 00:17:20,191 Basically, I told Oliver he shouldn't let embarrassment 429 00:17:20,192 --> 00:17:21,524 stop him from doing something he loves 430 00:17:21,525 --> 00:17:22,982 and he needs to soldier through it. 431 00:17:22,983 --> 00:17:24,566 And even though it doesn't seem like it now, 432 00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:27,274 one day, this will all just be a funny story he tells at parties. 433 00:17:27,275 --> 00:17:29,441 I've got a much shorter story about my talk with Taylor. 434 00:17:29,442 --> 00:17:30,482 I crushed it! 435 00:17:35,775 --> 00:17:37,316 Who's doing this? 436 00:17:40,025 --> 00:17:42,649 My reading is in an hour! I can't find any of my belts! 437 00:17:42,650 --> 00:17:44,316 Leather belts are made out of animals, 438 00:17:44,317 --> 00:17:46,399 so I gave them all a proper burial. 439 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:49,357 I will help you kill Tara Summers. 440 00:17:49,358 --> 00:17:53,107 Okay. But I want this face to be the last one she sees. 441 00:17:53,108 --> 00:17:54,857 Honey, you look great. Don't worry. 442 00:17:54,858 --> 00:17:58,691 Kids, I made a new recipe-- 443 00:17:58,692 --> 00:18:00,025 veggie chicken. 444 00:18:01,567 --> 00:18:03,107 What's it made out of? 445 00:18:03,108 --> 00:18:03,942 Tofu. 446 00:18:05,692 --> 00:18:07,775 And what's the bone made out of? 447 00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:11,525 Also tofu. 448 00:18:14,525 --> 00:18:16,774 Even though I have to talk things out more with Taylor, 449 00:18:16,775 --> 00:18:18,357 Anna-Kat is 8. 450 00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:19,816 I don't have to treat her like a person. 451 00:18:19,817 --> 00:18:22,107 Lying to her works just fine. 452 00:18:28,192 --> 00:18:29,982 Good crowd. 453 00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,483 And that's why I love you. 454 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,191 Good evening. 455 00:18:38,192 --> 00:18:40,774 My name is Gregory Otto, and I am the author. 456 00:18:40,775 --> 00:18:44,024 I'd like to begin the evening with a reading from my book 457 00:18:44,025 --> 00:18:46,149 "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences 458 00:18:46,150 --> 00:18:48,108 of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook." 459 00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:53,316 "London, 1806. 460 00:18:53,317 --> 00:18:56,357 A philosopher is born." 461 00:18:56,358 --> 00:18:58,982 It's too bad the advice Greg gave Oliver didn't work, 462 00:18:58,983 --> 00:19:00,941 because it was spot-on. 463 00:19:00,942 --> 00:19:02,149 "...John's father, 464 00:19:02,150 --> 00:19:04,566 historian and political theorist James Mill..." 465 00:19:04,567 --> 00:19:07,649 Oh, my God. It's just like "The Matrix." 466 00:19:07,650 --> 00:19:09,857 Oliver can't be told how to soldier through embarrassment. 467 00:19:09,858 --> 00:19:12,274 He has to see it for himself. 468 00:19:12,275 --> 00:19:14,107 "...all it knows from the external world. 469 00:19:14,108 --> 00:19:16,607 Whatever pleasure is derived from internal processes 470 00:19:16,608 --> 00:19:19,316 can be attribute to the external stimuli. 471 00:19:19,317 --> 00:19:20,566 The--" 472 00:19:33,192 --> 00:19:36,732 "Mill's canonical work on utilitarianism, 473 00:19:36,733 --> 00:19:40,274 aptly entitled 'Utilitarianism', 474 00:19:40,275 --> 00:19:43,566 argues for a thoroughgoing empiricist, himself, 475 00:19:43,567 --> 00:19:46,024 a trait inherited from Bentham and all other conclusions..." 476 00:19:46,025 --> 00:19:47,067 Thank you. 477 00:19:49,692 --> 00:19:52,149 I get what you did. 478 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:53,858 You were publicly embarrassed, but you didn't quit. 479 00:19:55,275 --> 00:19:56,566 Yep. 480 00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:58,900 That's... why I had your mother do that. 481 00:20:00,192 --> 00:20:01,399 So you're not gonna quit ballet? 482 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,442 No. I'm just gonna triple up on tights. 483 00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:09,149 You. 484 00:20:09,150 --> 00:20:10,607 What? 485 00:20:10,608 --> 00:20:11,982 We talked about one of us 486 00:20:11,983 --> 00:20:13,357 embarrassing ourselves to make a point. 487 00:20:13,358 --> 00:20:15,191 Did you really think it was going to be me? 488 00:20:15,192 --> 00:20:18,232 I thought maybe, but I live a whole secret life in my head. 489 00:20:18,233 --> 00:20:20,024 I thought you sounded great out there. 490 00:20:20,025 --> 00:20:21,857 And when your book comes out on tape, 491 00:20:21,858 --> 00:20:22,941 I'm gonna read it. 492 00:20:22,942 --> 00:20:24,316 Aww. Thanks, honey. 493 00:20:24,317 --> 00:20:26,692 I mean that now. Can't imagine I will. 494 00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:36,274 Anna-Kat, are you sure this is the place? 495 00:20:36,275 --> 00:20:37,857 Honestly, I don't remember. 496 00:20:37,858 --> 00:20:40,024 You put me on the spot, and I pointed. 497 00:20:40,025 --> 00:20:42,482 Why don't you just buy a new belt? 498 00:20:42,483 --> 00:20:44,774 {\an8}I'm not buying a new belt when there's a perfectly good belt 499 00:20:44,775 --> 00:20:48,024 {\an8}buried somewhere in this backyard. 500 00:20:48,025 --> 00:20:50,066 {\an8}Ugh! 501 00:20:50,067 --> 00:20:51,817 {\an8}Oh, my-- Greg! 502 00:20:54,817 --> 00:20:56,941 {\an8}See, Oliver? Another classic Otto story. 503 00:20:56,942 --> 00:20:57,733 {\an8}Ooh! 504 00:20:59,817 --> 00:21:02,232 {\an8}That's it. I'm not having kids. 505 00:21:02,233 --> 00:21:04,274 {\an8}This madness ends with me.