1
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:13,260
Every morning. Off!

2
00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:28,179
Sorry.

3
00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:29,860
Carry on.

4
00:00:36,140 --> 00:00:37,739
Morning, class.

5
00:00:37,740 --> 00:00:40,499
Morning, sir.

6
00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:42,699
I have taken the liberty

7
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:45,740
of doing the form register for you.
Shh, shh.

8
00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:50,339
Jing, your language
is very beautiful

9
00:00:50,340 --> 00:00:52,259
but means nothing to me.

10
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:55,499
Parents' evening tonight, sir.
You get to meet my mum.

11
00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:57,059
Everyone says she's a MILF.

12
00:00:57,060 --> 00:01:00,419
Chantelle, have you not got a class
to be preparing for? Maths.

13
00:01:00,420 --> 00:01:01,979
We're doing fractions.

14
00:01:01,980 --> 00:01:06,179
Apparently 23 won't go into 15.
Mrs Mollinson says it's impossible.

15
00:01:06,180 --> 00:01:07,659
We'll see about that.

16
00:01:07,660 --> 00:01:10,659
Oh, I can't believe you did that!

17
00:01:10,660 --> 00:01:13,379
Rem Dogg, why are you late?

18
00:01:13,380 --> 00:01:15,459
Wheelchair. And you, Mitchell?

19
00:01:15,460 --> 00:01:18,379
Well, this thing don't push itself,
does it? Look, please,

20
00:01:18,380 --> 00:01:21,139
it's Monday morning.
I have a hangover.

21
00:01:21,140 --> 00:01:25,339
Joe, can you just go and see
if that first aid box

22
00:01:25,340 --> 00:01:27,179
has got any Berocca in it?

23
00:01:27,180 --> 00:01:28,460
Yes, Dad!

24
00:01:30,500 --> 00:01:35,819
Oh, my days! He just called
Mr Wickers Dad! What a helmet!

25
00:01:35,820 --> 00:01:37,699
Shut up, Mitchell.

26
00:01:37,700 --> 00:01:39,740
At least he knows who his dad is.

27
00:02:24,900 --> 00:02:28,819
And that is how quiet Anne Frank

28
00:02:28,820 --> 00:02:32,339
and her family had to be
to evade capture by the Nazis.

29
00:02:32,340 --> 00:02:34,859
Mr Wickers, I need the papers.

30
00:02:34,860 --> 00:02:39,139
You 'vant to see my papers?
The mock exam papers, Mr Wickers.

31
00:02:39,140 --> 00:02:40,499
Anything?

32
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:44,739
Has anyone ever told you that you
would make a wonderful SS officer?

33
00:02:44,740 --> 00:02:47,979
Yes. Now shall we just do this
in my office?

34
00:02:47,980 --> 00:02:49,380
Yeah.

35
00:03:01,860 --> 00:03:04,019
I need to process
the mock exam results

36
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:05,859
for parents' evening tonight.

37
00:03:05,860 --> 00:03:08,459
Yeah, right, good.
I was hoping you'd ask about those.

38
00:03:08,460 --> 00:03:11,980
Stop fanny farting, Mr Wickers.
Just give me the results, where are they?

39
00:03:13,740 --> 00:03:15,699
All up here. What?

40
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:19,379
Seriously. Give me any student,
I'll give you their results.

41
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:25,179
Natalya Lisovskaya. A.

42
00:03:25,180 --> 00:03:29,259
Natalya Lisovskaya was a double gold
medal-winning Soviet shot putter.

43
00:03:29,260 --> 00:03:32,579
What they get up to in their free
time is none of my concern, Isobel.

44
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:34,539
Don't call me that.

45
00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:38,580
Izzy? Is that better?
Sort of more chummy. The Izzter.

46
00:03:40,900 --> 00:03:44,299
I suppose you think
you've got balls coming in here

47
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:47,539
playing your silly little games.
Well, let me tell you something,

48
00:03:47,540 --> 00:03:50,979
I've got bigger balls
than you'll ever have.

49
00:03:50,980 --> 00:03:54,419
Well, it's written in the gent's,
but I assumed that was just a rumour.

50
00:03:54,420 --> 00:03:56,820
It's a metaphor, Mr Wickers.
Let me hit you with another.

51
00:03:56,821 --> 00:03:59,019
You're skating on very thin ice.

52
00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:04,459
And that ice is cracking with the
weight of me and my ginormous balls.

53
00:04:04,460 --> 00:04:07,020
Two's company, three's a crowd.

54
00:04:08,100 --> 00:04:12,939
So, wait, now you've got three balls?
By five or they all fail. By five?!

55
00:04:12,940 --> 00:04:15,379
But that's like 30 papers!

56
00:04:15,380 --> 00:04:17,419
That's like three hours marking!

57
00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:21,459
This is slave labour.
You are persecuting me.

58
00:04:21,460 --> 00:04:23,419
Parents' evening is my opportunity

59
00:04:23,420 --> 00:04:26,379
to show you up
for who you really are.

60
00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:29,059
By five, or you'll be running home
to your daddy

61
00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,820
like the pathetic little boy
you are.

62
00:04:30,821 --> 00:04:33,259
Oh, I won't be running anywhere.

63
00:04:33,260 --> 00:04:35,379
Really? No.

64
00:04:35,380 --> 00:04:37,900
Because Daddy is picking me up
in the car.

65
00:04:55,580 --> 00:04:59,579
Alfie, your post in my pigeonhole
again. Morning, Rosie.

66
00:04:59,580 --> 00:05:02,619
What is it, another nomination
for Teacher Of The Year?

67
00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:04,819
Outstanding payment
on a student loan.

68
00:05:04,820 --> 00:05:07,619
What are you like?

69
00:05:07,620 --> 00:05:11,059
Lovely. I look terrible, but thanks.

70
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:14,139
I was thinking about you last night.

71
00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:17,579
I was on my way to the gym
for an ab-attack.

72
00:05:17,580 --> 00:05:22,259
And I went past Cafe Rouge.
Reminded me of our little date.

73
00:05:22,260 --> 00:05:25,419
It was a staff party.
You say potato, I say...

74
00:05:25,420 --> 00:05:26,659
date.

75
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,339
Oh, please, Alfie, not today.

76
00:05:30,340 --> 00:05:35,419
Richard broke up with me last night.
What, HE broke up with YOU? Why?

77
00:05:35,420 --> 00:05:39,059
You're perfect. Oh, you know,
I guess it's a relief, you know.

78
00:05:39,060 --> 00:05:41,779
I mean, I'm a very physical person

79
00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:46,379
and I think Richard was intimidated
by that. What a square!

80
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,419
I mean, for the last few months
we barely touched each other.

81
00:05:49,420 --> 00:05:53,579
I'm going to take a break from relationships
and throw myself into my voluntary work.

82
00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:55,379
No more dating men for me.

83
00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:58,580
Just orphans and abused children.

84
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:03,220
Oh, as in the charity work?

85
00:06:04,220 --> 00:06:06,580
O-O-Obviously. Obviously, yeah.

86
00:06:07,700 --> 00:06:12,059
But if I need some teary pity sex,
you'll be on my shortlist.

87
00:06:12,060 --> 00:06:14,779
I'd clear my diary like that.

88
00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:17,579
Except for Thursday.
It's my dad's birthday,

89
00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:21,179
so he's taking me and a friend
to go and see Cirque du Soleil.

90
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:23,220
Richard used to love the circus.

91
00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:30,699
Someone put your post
in my pigeonhole.

92
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:34,580
Yeah, like I'm going to fall
for that trick, Mollinson.

93
00:06:39,500 --> 00:06:42,939
Class, I've got good news
and bad news. What do you want?

94
00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:44,859
The bad news.

95
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:48,499
Well, Jing, the good news is that
today's history module is Pearl Harbor,

96
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:50,859
and we all know what that means.

97
00:06:50,860 --> 00:06:52,540
It's class wars!

98
00:06:54,620 --> 00:06:58,739
OK, so it's December 7th, 1941.
We're in Hawaii, a military port.

99
00:06:58,740 --> 00:07:01,539
The first thing we're going
to require is some Americans.

100
00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:04,379
Andre, you're Ben Affleck.
Joe, Josh Hartnett.

101
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,779
Rem Dogg, you're a tank. Yes!

102
00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:09,739
Next up, I'm going to need a nurse.
Where's my Beckinsale?

103
00:07:09,740 --> 00:07:14,899
Please, sir, I'm great with cancer. I know all the
words to Beaches. All right, you can be Beckinsale.

104
00:07:14,900 --> 00:07:21,900
Now, finally, we require a member
of the Japanese Imperial Air Force.

105
00:07:23,340 --> 00:07:27,659
The Emperor will be proud of you,
my lotus flower.

106
00:07:27,660 --> 00:07:29,979
She's Chinese, you muppet! I know.

107
00:07:29,980 --> 00:07:34,419
OK, positions! It's kamikaze time.

108
00:07:34,420 --> 00:07:37,179
Wait, sir... what about the bad news?

109
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:40,419
Um... You might, probably,
almost definitely

110
00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:43,059
are all going to fail
your mock exams.

111
00:07:43,060 --> 00:07:45,259
What do you mean
we're going to fail?

112
00:07:45,260 --> 00:07:48,139
It's complicated, all right,
I didn't want to bore you with it.

113
00:07:48,140 --> 00:07:53,779
The important lesson here is for you
to look for the positives in failure.

114
00:07:53,780 --> 00:07:57,459
Like, for example, my grandad.

115
00:07:57,460 --> 00:08:00,579
He suffered failure. Lung failure.

116
00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:04,379
Which meant that I inherited a Volvo.

117
00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:08,460
So remember that.
Always look for the Volvo.

118
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:14,019
So it's a quiet morning
in Pearl Harbor, but not in Tokyo.

119
00:08:14,020 --> 00:08:18,219
Alfie, we can't fail.
My dad'll kill me. Don't be silly.

120
00:08:18,220 --> 00:08:20,299
My dad'll kill you.

121
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,259
Well, I mean, I guess
I could mark some of them.

122
00:08:23,260 --> 00:08:25,939
Listen, you mug!
You need to mark all of them.

123
00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:28,459
Yeah, you don't want to see my dad
when he's angry.

124
00:08:28,460 --> 00:08:31,459
He used to train in the same gym
as David Haye.

125
00:08:31,460 --> 00:08:33,220
And Sally Gunnell.

126
00:08:39,580 --> 00:08:42,020
Nice kicks.

127
00:08:43,020 --> 00:08:46,699
Um, thank you? Give them me.

128
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:50,179
What? Give them me.

129
00:08:50,180 --> 00:08:51,859
No.

130
00:08:51,860 --> 00:08:54,939
You couldn't even wear them,
they have an orthopaedic heel.

131
00:08:54,940 --> 00:08:58,939
Shut up, Downton Abbey. They would
play havoc with your arches.

132
00:08:58,940 --> 00:09:01,539
I'm sorry, Grayson,

133
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:03,100
I'm not giving you my shoes.

134
00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:16,939
Whoop, whoop!

135
00:09:16,940 --> 00:09:18,819
It's the sound of the police!

136
00:09:18,820 --> 00:09:21,139
You have been apprehended.

137
00:09:21,140 --> 00:09:22,898
You have the right to remain silent,

138
00:09:22,899 --> 00:09:25,180
although that's unlikely,
as you've been arrested

139
00:09:25,181 --> 00:09:29,019
by Sergeant Fraser,
head of Dave's Witty Banter Unit.

140
00:09:29,020 --> 00:09:32,219
Step inside, Alf,
need a quick conflabamundo.

141
00:09:32,220 --> 00:09:35,739
Oh, Give me strength.
Grab some plastic, homeboy.

142
00:09:35,740 --> 00:09:37,660
Look, you're not firing me, are you?

143
00:09:37,661 --> 00:09:40,139
If this is about those
fire extinguishers,

144
00:09:40,140 --> 00:09:41,620
I was doing a class on democracy.

145
00:09:41,621 --> 00:09:45,419
I was using Mitchell to demonstrate
Guantanamo Bay torture techniques.

146
00:09:45,420 --> 00:09:48,699
Holster those pistols, young ranger,

147
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:52,739
lets just control-alt-Apple-Z
that last little outburst, shall we?

148
00:09:52,740 --> 00:09:56,819
Although for the record, that can
definitely never happen again. I get it.

149
00:09:56,820 --> 00:10:01,699
You are intimidated
by my teaching methods. Right?

150
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:06,099
Yeah, but I make learning fun.
If I was a font, I'd be Comic Sans.

151
00:10:06,100 --> 00:10:08,419
You are so Times New Roman.

152
00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:11,779
Shut the funk door!
You know I'd be Wingdings.

153
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:17,499
Crazy. Any-shiz, some of
the old school don't get you.

154
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:22,500
But I do. I'm young, I'm cool
and I find your approach...

155
00:10:27,500 --> 00:10:29,899
refreshing.

156
00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:34,139
However, this little man-to-man
is about Rosie. Miss Gulliver.

157
00:10:34,140 --> 00:10:38,819
As Beyonce says, she's a single lady
and I'm going to put a ring in it.

158
00:10:38,820 --> 00:10:42,019
What?! You fancy Miss Gulliver?

159
00:10:42,020 --> 00:10:44,379
I likey...

160
00:10:44,380 --> 00:10:45,779
I lighty.

161
00:10:45,780 --> 00:10:47,980
Oh, what's that smell?

162
00:10:49,460 --> 00:10:51,099
Whiffy banter!

163
00:10:51,100 --> 00:10:55,099
Oh, for f...
Look, what's this got to do with me?

164
00:10:55,100 --> 00:10:58,219
Because, Alf, you're going to be
my wingman! Uh-uh, no way.

165
00:10:58,220 --> 00:11:00,899
I need your help to get Gulliver
to go on a date with me.

166
00:11:00,900 --> 00:11:03,779
I'll literally follow
your every word.

167
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,260
My EVERY word?

168
00:11:07,300 --> 00:11:11,220
All right. Well, I guess I could
give you SOME pointers.

169
00:11:12,620 --> 00:11:14,219
First piece of advice...

170
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:15,739
completely ignore her.

171
00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:18,339
Women love that shit.

172
00:11:18,340 --> 00:11:21,379
Really? Yeah, it'll definitely work.

173
00:11:21,380 --> 00:11:23,260
I can see we're going
to make quite a team.

174
00:11:23,261 --> 00:11:27,139
And look, I'm already prepped.
Downloaded a chat-up app.

175
00:11:27,140 --> 00:11:29,579
Let's roll the dice.

176
00:11:29,580 --> 00:11:31,979
You're ridiculous.

177
00:11:31,980 --> 00:11:34,099
Roses are red, violets are blue,

178
00:11:34,100 --> 00:11:36,619
later tonight I'll be
hanging out the back of...

179
00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:39,740
I probably won't use that one,
actually.

180
00:11:40,860 --> 00:11:42,540
Can I go now?

181
00:12:11,220 --> 00:12:13,859
So, I decided, this evening,

182
00:12:13,860 --> 00:12:18,299
take your mind off Richard, I would
book us a little table... No, no,

183
00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:21,259
absolutely, 100% definitely not.

184
00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:23,539
Sounds like a maybe.

185
00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:27,219
Look, I think the reason things
didn't work out with Richard

186
00:12:27,220 --> 00:12:29,900
is cos he was so old and boring.

187
00:12:31,460 --> 00:12:35,419
You know, what a lot of women
prefer nowadays is a toy boy.

188
00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:36,939
Ashton and Demi.

189
00:12:36,940 --> 00:12:39,260
Guy Ritchie and Madonna.
All divorced.

190
00:12:40,820 --> 00:12:44,859
Ben Ofuedo and Vanessa Feltz.

191
00:12:44,860 --> 00:12:45,980
Alf, I love you.

192
00:12:45,981 --> 00:12:47,820
Not in that way.

193
00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:51,139
It's just...

194
00:12:51,140 --> 00:12:54,219
you are a bit immature.

195
00:12:54,220 --> 00:12:56,499
"You're a bit immature."

196
00:12:56,500 --> 00:13:02,219
Mm. Look, I am a grown-up.
I do so many grown-up things.

197
00:13:02,220 --> 00:13:06,179
I use coasters,
I put my posters into frames.

198
00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:08,579
I've got a bag-for-life.

199
00:13:08,580 --> 00:13:10,540
Share my bag with me, Rosie.

200
00:13:11,740 --> 00:13:14,299
Did that sound really desperate?

201
00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:15,659
A little.

202
00:13:15,660 --> 00:13:17,100
Shit.

203
00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:21,540
Immature!

204
00:13:25,620 --> 00:13:28,339
Hi, yeah, is that TGI Fridays?

205
00:13:28,340 --> 00:13:31,980
Yeah, I want to cancel a table
booked under the name of Wickers.

206
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:35,459
Well, obviously
if I'm cancelling the table,

207
00:13:35,460 --> 00:13:37,580
I also want to cancel the cake.

208
00:13:44,020 --> 00:13:46,739
I can't. What's the point?

209
00:13:46,740 --> 00:13:48,099
Sir?

210
00:13:48,100 --> 00:13:51,579
Oh. History or something.

211
00:13:51,580 --> 00:13:55,339
Oh, stop being such a pussy.
It's just a girl.

212
00:13:55,340 --> 00:13:59,019
That's very perceptive.
Oh, no, what I meant to say was,

213
00:13:59,020 --> 00:14:02,219
stop being such a girl,
it's only pussy!

214
00:14:02,220 --> 00:14:03,299
Right.

215
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,099
I suppose you'll be looking
for a rebound then, sir?

216
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:09,739
I feel so hurt. So upset.

217
00:14:09,740 --> 00:14:12,859
It's like getting kicked
in the balls with a football

218
00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:15,219
to the power of Mufasa dying
in Lion King.

219
00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,819
Ow! Snap out of it. Wow!

220
00:14:17,820 --> 00:14:21,379
You've got quite a slap.
Well, you learn to defend yourself

221
00:14:21,380 --> 00:14:24,299
when you're the only kid in
the playground with a Sade ringtone.

222
00:14:24,300 --> 00:14:26,739
He's right, you need to man up! Ow!

223
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,540
Right, OK, enough with the slapping.

224
00:14:28,541 --> 00:14:30,899
Sorry, I just wanted to hit you.
Hang on, guys,

225
00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:34,219
Mr Wickers may be
a bit of a twat. Right...

226
00:14:34,220 --> 00:14:37,579
Despite being a twat... Don't get me
wrong, he's definitely a twat.

227
00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:40,859
OK, I think we get the picture. But if he
don't mark that shit, he'll get fired,

228
00:14:40,860 --> 00:14:45,779
then we could end up with a real teacher! We can
say goodbye to class wars and hello to homework.

229
00:14:45,780 --> 00:14:47,339
Screw that!

230
00:14:47,340 --> 00:14:50,179
Oh, God, my parents might send me
to one of them all girls' schools

231
00:14:50,180 --> 00:14:54,020
where you're not allowed electric
toothbrushes or door handles or anything.

232
00:15:00,460 --> 00:15:02,859
Of course, Jing!

233
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:05,299
You guys can mark them.

234
00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:09,859
We'll do the pass-to-the-left
method! Why didn't I think of that?

235
00:15:09,860 --> 00:15:12,860
Hooray for Jing!

236
00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:19,300
You're a joke.

237
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:25,180
Yeahhhhhhh! Woo!

238
00:15:31,020 --> 00:15:33,459
A-ha, Alfie Wickers! The Wicker Man!

239
00:15:33,460 --> 00:15:35,739
Wickers World! What's going on here?

240
00:15:35,740 --> 00:15:38,859
Just organising a post-workage
meetage at the pubage,

241
00:15:38,860 --> 00:15:41,099
Duke's Arms... age.

242
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:46,819
We're going to talk about the school's charity
calendar. I want to make a speech at parents' evening

243
00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:50,299
and the reason I've chosen
this God-awful degenerative disease

244
00:15:50,300 --> 00:15:52,859
is that... I know all about
Palmer's Syndrome. Really?

245
00:15:52,860 --> 00:15:55,219
Yep.

246
00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:57,619
Personal experience. Sadly.

247
00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,140
Who?

248
00:16:02,140 --> 00:16:04,459
Joe's mum. What, really?

249
00:16:04,460 --> 00:16:09,259
Yeah. Yeah, she got the old PS.

250
00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:11,819
Caught it on holiday. Caught it?

251
00:16:11,820 --> 00:16:18,299
What I mean is, it caught up
with her on holiday... obviously,

252
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:21,259
as Palmer's Syndrome
isn't contagious.

253
00:16:21,260 --> 00:16:24,099
It's er... idiopathic.

254
00:16:24,100 --> 00:16:26,579
Which strand did she contract?

255
00:16:26,580 --> 00:16:27,779
Both of them.

256
00:16:27,780 --> 00:16:32,219
Bo... Arthropathic and neuropathic?
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Correct.

257
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:36,059
God, so she had all of the
symptoms? All of them. Which ones?

258
00:16:36,060 --> 00:16:39,299
You know, the main ones.

259
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:42,699
S... Insomnia.

260
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,699
Postural instability.
Oh, that's nasty.

261
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:50,539
Um, the face thing, with the face...

262
00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:53,619
Face? Her fingers fell off.

263
00:16:53,620 --> 00:16:57,179
Her fingers fell off?! I did not
know that that was a symptom.

264
00:16:57,180 --> 00:17:00,819
Yeah, it's not so much a symptom.
It was, um, frostbite,

265
00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:05,299
she got frostbite, cos
she was looking for a cure in...

266
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:06,659
Iceland.

267
00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:10,300
That's why mums
shouldn't go to Iceland!

268
00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:16,659
Anyway, I don't want to go on
about it but, you know,

269
00:17:16,660 --> 00:17:18,299
I do do an awful lot for him.

270
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:21,859
I mean, only this morning in class...

271
00:17:21,860 --> 00:17:24,619
No, I shouldn't say, it's silly.
No, no, go on.

272
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:27,939
He called me Daddy. Aw!

273
00:17:27,940 --> 00:17:30,059
It's no biggy, you know.

274
00:17:30,060 --> 00:17:33,019
I had no idea that Palmer's Syndrome
meant so much to you, Alfie.

275
00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:35,179
Why don't you join us?

276
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:37,500
It'd be lovely to have his input,
wouldn't it, Fraser?

277
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:39,619
Well, I think it'd be better
if we were just...

278
00:17:39,620 --> 00:17:41,579
It would mean a lot.

279
00:17:41,580 --> 00:17:45,419
Who cares for the carers? Hey, we
can all go. The more, the merrier.

280
00:17:45,420 --> 00:17:47,899
Thanks, Rosie. That's OK!

281
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:51,140
Can I just talk to that student?
Go get him.

282
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:53,899
Alfredo, good squire?

283
00:17:53,900 --> 00:17:56,859
Mmm? You wouldn't be cock-blocking
me, would you, wingman?

284
00:17:56,860 --> 00:18:00,979
No, no. Course not, wingman.

285
00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:05,019
What I'm doing
is demonstrating to her

286
00:18:05,020 --> 00:18:07,019
how unsuitable I am

287
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:11,459
to highlight how great you are,
Maverick.

288
00:18:11,460 --> 00:18:14,859
Mmm. Thunking outside the box,

289
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:16,499
Goose.

290
00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:20,060
Oh, BT-dubs, love the way you rock
out with your croc out.

291
00:18:34,780 --> 00:18:39,659
Joe, I am going to need you
to go ahead and hide in the cupboard.

292
00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:41,459
OK...

293
00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:42,860
Quick!

294
00:18:48,260 --> 00:18:51,699
Hey, sorry, just busy with...
Sorry, Alfie, I was just thinking,

295
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:53,940
about Joe's mum, um...

296
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,459
Alfie, why are the kids
sat like that?

297
00:18:58,460 --> 00:19:00,460
Oh, we're learning
about South Africa.

298
00:19:02,580 --> 00:19:04,939
Right. Um...

299
00:19:04,940 --> 00:19:07,539
I was thinking, I could really use
Joe's mum in the campaign.

300
00:19:07,540 --> 00:19:09,259
Really?

301
00:19:09,260 --> 00:19:10,939
Is that a good idea?

302
00:19:10,940 --> 00:19:13,100
It's a personal story,
give the appeal resonance.

303
00:19:13,101 --> 00:19:14,819
Shock people into action!

304
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,100
Yeah, but, you know...

305
00:19:16,101 --> 00:19:18,379
So can I just have a quick word
with Joe? No.

306
00:19:18,380 --> 00:19:23,779
Er, you can't, cos he was ill,
so he went to the doctor.

307
00:19:23,780 --> 00:19:26,659
Let's hope he hasn't got it as well.

308
00:19:26,660 --> 00:19:31,299
Oh, well, if you see him, just
tell me, won't you? Will do. OK.

309
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:32,980
Can I come out now?

310
00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:36,859
What was that? What was what, sorry?

311
00:19:36,860 --> 00:19:39,539
That voice from the cupboard.

312
00:19:39,540 --> 00:19:41,539
Nelson Mandela.

313
00:19:41,540 --> 00:19:42,939
Yeah. Robben Island.

314
00:19:42,940 --> 00:19:46,459
Sorry, Mandy! 1989, one more year!

315
00:19:46,460 --> 00:19:49,140
Crack on,
you've got a book to write.

316
00:19:50,300 --> 00:19:52,420
See you later.

317
00:19:56,060 --> 00:19:58,459
Miss Gulliver is so buffting.

318
00:19:58,460 --> 00:20:01,419
Yeah, she's hot, man,
like proper spice! No, she ain't!

319
00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:05,420
Beauty is in the eye of
the beholder, Chantelle. Shakespeare.

320
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:12,019
Shakespeare, Jing, he was an English
writer who wrote Romeo and Juliet.

321
00:20:12,020 --> 00:20:13,540
And The King's Speech.

322
00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:16,659
Hey!

323
00:20:16,660 --> 00:20:20,899
So, you know the way I'm your
favourite teacher in the whole world?

324
00:20:20,900 --> 00:20:25,179
Well, I need a little favour
from my favourite pupil.

325
00:20:25,180 --> 00:20:29,259
You are always asking me to do you
favours. No, I'm not. Give me one.

326
00:20:29,260 --> 00:20:30,739
Yesterday, at break,

327
00:20:30,740 --> 00:20:33,819
when you made me go up to Conor Wilson
and tell him that you were Banksy.

328
00:20:33,820 --> 00:20:37,259
Look, all I need you to do
this time, very simple,

329
00:20:37,260 --> 00:20:40,339
is to pretend your mum has a
potentially fatal, degenerative disease

330
00:20:40,340 --> 00:20:42,260
so that Miss Gulliver
goes on a date with me

331
00:20:42,261 --> 00:20:47,380
and subsequently, at some point in the
future, hopefully becomes my girlfriend.

332
00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:49,939
OK.

333
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:08,899
Oh, Miss Pickwell.

334
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:12,460
See you, er, got the papers? Indeed.

335
00:21:14,180 --> 00:21:17,260
Good. So, er, what were the results?

336
00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:21,859
Oh, silly me.

337
00:21:21,860 --> 00:21:24,219
All up here.

338
00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:26,179
Whose do you want to know?

339
00:21:26,180 --> 00:21:28,899
Um, Mitchell? Fail.

340
00:21:28,900 --> 00:21:30,499
Remi? Fail.

341
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:32,259
Stephen? Fail.

342
00:21:32,260 --> 00:21:34,859
Fail, fail, fail, fail,

343
00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:38,459
fail, fail, fail, fail.
Fail, fail, fail.

344
00:21:38,460 --> 00:21:42,459
OK. Starting to see a bit
of a pattern emerging here.

345
00:21:42,460 --> 00:21:46,339
Oh, what about Chantelle?
Oh, let's see.

346
00:21:46,340 --> 00:21:48,939
Oh, 100%.

347
00:21:48,940 --> 00:21:51,939
"Could try harder
to be less of a slag."

348
00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,939
Classic.

349
00:21:53,940 --> 00:21:56,459
You didn't mark their papers,
Mr Wickers.

350
00:21:56,460 --> 00:21:59,499
They did. And because of this,
they all failed.

351
00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:04,139
The trouble with you, Mr Wickers,
is you're all fart and no poo.

352
00:22:04,140 --> 00:22:07,140
Let me tell you this, when I fart...

353
00:22:08,340 --> 00:22:09,820
I follow through.

354
00:22:17,340 --> 00:22:21,099
So, as Chantelle's mother

355
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:22,779
and...

356
00:22:22,780 --> 00:22:24,060
father?

357
00:22:26,780 --> 00:22:28,979
I-I...

358
00:22:28,980 --> 00:22:32,940
Sorry, um, you're not actually
allowed to smoke in here...

359
00:22:34,060 --> 00:22:36,660
or indeed any buildings these days.

360
00:22:38,580 --> 00:22:44,140
Um, what it is, is that Chantelle
has failed her mock exam.

361
00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:49,979
I bet she done all right
on her oral.

362
00:22:49,980 --> 00:22:53,019
I teach history,
we don't even do an...

363
00:22:53,020 --> 00:22:54,100
Never mind.

364
00:22:56,020 --> 00:22:58,580
Oh...

365
00:23:21,780 --> 00:23:24,699
So before we get onto Jing,
serious question.

366
00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:29,020
How long until all the pets
we have will be robots?

367
00:23:44,220 --> 00:23:47,220
Oh... Struggling, Wickers?

368
00:23:48,540 --> 00:23:52,059
I always find parents' evening
a lot less stressful

369
00:23:52,060 --> 00:23:54,379
if at least one of my children
has passed.

370
00:23:54,380 --> 00:23:56,779
That's the problem with you,
Pickwell.

371
00:23:56,780 --> 00:24:00,099
It's all about results and grades.

372
00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:03,179
My class have other talents. Right.

373
00:24:03,180 --> 00:24:06,659
Stephen knows all the words
to Steel Magnolias.

374
00:24:06,660 --> 00:24:10,219
Wow! That's like
a three-hour film.

375
00:24:10,220 --> 00:24:14,139
And Mitchell Harper can hold
his breath for four minutes.

376
00:24:14,140 --> 00:24:16,739
Twice what I can do! Right.

377
00:24:16,740 --> 00:24:19,699
And you remember Joe,
the boy you wanted to exclude?

378
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:25,619
Well, he has got a birthmark
that looks exactly like James May.

379
00:24:25,620 --> 00:24:28,699
So you may not see much in my them,

380
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:31,059
but I believe in my class.

381
00:24:31,060 --> 00:24:34,979
And for the record,
they're not children, OK?

382
00:24:34,980 --> 00:24:36,859
They are young adults.

383
00:24:36,860 --> 00:24:38,379
Oh, shit!

384
00:24:38,380 --> 00:24:40,499
Rem Dogg's dad's got a glass eye!

385
00:24:40,500 --> 00:24:42,380
What a penis!

386
00:24:52,940 --> 00:24:56,659
Alfie, I think this whole Miss Gulliver
thing might've got out of hand.

387
00:24:56,660 --> 00:24:59,819
What happened? Well, she was
asking me all these questions

388
00:24:59,820 --> 00:25:02,099
and I just started panicking.
And then...

389
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:04,739
Look, look, calm down,
it's going to be fine.

390
00:25:04,740 --> 00:25:07,820
I told her my mum was dead.
Oh, shit! Boo!

391
00:25:09,260 --> 00:25:13,939
First a mahoo-ssive thank you
for coming to parents' evening.

392
00:25:13,940 --> 00:25:18,379
I know it can be difficult hearing how your
sprogs are a little bit slow on the uptake.

393
00:25:18,380 --> 00:25:23,100
And you're thinking, "Oh, God, why didn't
I lay off the cider after the first scan?"

394
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:30,699
But it's important to remember
that there are kids out there

395
00:25:30,700 --> 00:25:32,779
less fortunate than your own.

396
00:25:32,780 --> 00:25:37,059
So here to tell you a little bit
about our fundraising venture

397
00:25:37,060 --> 00:25:40,099
is the wonderful Miss Gulliver.
Big hand, please.

398
00:25:40,100 --> 00:25:42,900
Shit, you have to stop her! How?

399
00:25:45,380 --> 00:25:48,140
We are all going to die.

400
00:25:49,180 --> 00:25:51,499
But what if I told you, madam,

401
00:25:51,500 --> 00:25:55,060
that your child wasn't going
to reach the age of 30?

402
00:25:56,420 --> 00:25:58,899
Because that's the reality
of Palmer's Syndrome.

403
00:25:58,900 --> 00:26:03,819
It's a condition that affects
one in six million.

404
00:26:03,820 --> 00:26:09,179
So give us
all your fuckin' money now!

405
00:26:09,180 --> 00:26:13,979
That is the message here. Now, if everyone
wants to make their way through to the foyer,

406
00:26:13,980 --> 00:26:16,579
there's a complimentary glass
of red or white wine.

407
00:26:16,580 --> 00:26:18,739
Let's get in before
Ms Mollinson necks it all,

408
00:26:18,740 --> 00:26:21,579
we all know what she's been like
ever since her husband left her!

409
00:26:21,580 --> 00:26:22,899
Alfie, not now.

410
00:26:22,900 --> 00:26:27,579
So I would like to tell you a story
about a brave woman

411
00:26:27,580 --> 00:26:31,139
who this year lost her battle
with Palmer's Syndrome.

412
00:26:31,140 --> 00:26:34,939
A remarkable woman. Joe's mum.

413
00:26:34,940 --> 00:26:37,460
Emma Poulter.

414
00:26:39,740 --> 00:26:42,219
Hang on. Who?!

415
00:26:42,220 --> 00:26:44,019
Free booze! What's going on?

416
00:26:44,020 --> 00:26:47,339
Some people find loss
very hard to take.

417
00:26:47,340 --> 00:26:49,699
Emma Poulter isn't dead.

418
00:26:49,700 --> 00:26:51,859
Denial. First stage of grief.

419
00:26:51,860 --> 00:26:53,339
I'm Emma Poulter.

420
00:26:53,340 --> 00:26:56,059
Second stage, identity theft.

421
00:26:56,060 --> 00:26:58,620
No, I am Emma Poulter!

422
00:27:00,940 --> 00:27:04,179
No, I am Emma Poulter!

423
00:27:04,180 --> 00:27:08,619
Because in many ways
we're all Emma Poulters,

424
00:27:08,620 --> 00:27:11,699
because this disease
can affect anyone.

425
00:27:11,700 --> 00:27:14,539
I'm very much alive,
and I haven't got Palmer's Syndrome.

426
00:27:14,540 --> 00:27:16,380
Alfie? She...

427
00:27:17,980 --> 00:27:20,699
You said that...

428
00:27:20,700 --> 00:27:22,979
She's got ten massive fingers!

429
00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:27,299
Right, Wickers, my office now!
Come on. Wait! Wait!

430
00:27:27,300 --> 00:27:31,059
It's not his fault. I did it.

431
00:27:31,060 --> 00:27:33,700
I just wanted to make
Mr Wickers happy.

432
00:27:35,180 --> 00:27:36,980
I just wanted to show off to him.

433
00:27:38,420 --> 00:27:41,539
He's the dad I never really had.
Oh, my God...

434
00:27:41,540 --> 00:27:42,940
Aw!

435
00:27:44,700 --> 00:27:46,540
But I'm your dad.

436
00:27:47,540 --> 00:27:50,060
Oh, bollocks.

437
00:27:53,460 --> 00:27:55,139
God, I really need a drink.

438
00:27:55,140 --> 00:27:58,339
Yeah, well, let's go to the pubage.

439
00:27:58,340 --> 00:28:02,700
I haven't been out for a long time.
Don't worry, I'll look after you.

440
00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:08,099
I'm sorry, Alfie.

441
00:28:08,100 --> 00:28:11,019
It's just all so cringe.

442
00:28:11,020 --> 00:28:12,900
I failed again.

443
00:28:15,420 --> 00:28:17,500
Look for the Volvo.

444
00:28:19,700 --> 00:28:22,379
Do you want to go play Time Crisis
and shove some dog shit

445
00:28:22,380 --> 00:28:24,259
through Pickwell's letter box?

446
00:28:24,260 --> 00:28:25,579
Yeah.

447
00:28:25,580 --> 00:28:27,740
Let's do that again.