1 00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:06,207 Will you look at that? 2 00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:09,410 He wants a trampoline for his birthday. 3 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,213 That's so cute, but we can't afford that. 4 00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:18,552 He can get that if he doesn't have a party. 5 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,023 That is perfect. 6 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,259 He'll be so surprised. 7 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:30,431 * Yes, no, maybe 8 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,400 * I don't know 9 00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,869 * Can you repeat the question? 10 00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:38,072 * You're not the boss of me now * 11 00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:40,408 * You're not the boss of me now * 12 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,910 * You're not the boss of me now * 13 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,945 * And you're not so big 14 00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,348 * You're not the boss of me now * 15 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,350 * You're not the boss of me now * 16 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,019 * You're not the boss of me now * 17 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,888 * And you're not so big 18 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:58,426 * Life is unfair. 19 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,695 This is the best part of my day-- 20 00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,031 the 16 minutes between the horrors of school 21 00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,633 and the horrors of home. 22 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,201 Malcolm, there you are. 23 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,203 You know Ira James, right? 24 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,772 All-state fullback, state single season rushing record. 25 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:14,642 Who am I kidding? He's probably never even talked to you. 26 00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,377 Hi. 27 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,745 Ira's graduating this year. 28 00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,381 He's got interest from six Division 1-A colleges. 29 00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,482 Full rides. 30 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,984 The problem is, each school wants him to write 31 00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,653 a personal essay on his application. 32 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:26,654 So...? 33 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:27,721 So Ira's an idiot. 34 00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,723 I mean, hamster idiot. 35 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:33,127 And that's only if we're talking about a really stupid hamster. 36 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:35,062 Mom says I have other nice qualities. 37 00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,265 Since you're the smartest kid in the school, 38 00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,799 I want you to help him write his essays. 39 00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:42,236 I wish I could, but I've got, like, three midterms next week. 40 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,004 Look, you don't understand. 41 00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:45,473 Ira is a football player. 42 00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,241 That means when he needs something, 43 00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:50,077 it's up to you non-football kids to do it for him. 44 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,180 The cheerleaders understand it. 45 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,914 Look, I'll make it worth your while. 46 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,250 I'll let you out of gym for the rest of the semester. 47 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,251 I don't mind gym. 48 00:01:57,285 --> 00:02:00,521 Sure you don't, brainiac. 49 00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,359 HAL: Hi, honey. 50 00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:09,163 I'm going to need you to be calm. 51 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,932 Aw, geez. Which kid is it? 52 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,033 I'm not going to tell you. 53 00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,435 You're not calm enough yet. 54 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,603 Reese. 55 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,506 Okay, deep breath. 56 00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,441 What'd he do? 57 00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,443 All right. 58 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,278 Reese... 59 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,647 That... glubber...! 60 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,149 That... sniggit...! 61 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,318 I'm gonna... 62 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,286 (speaking gibberish) 63 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,121 Honey, do you want some tea or a drink? 64 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,989 What's wrong with Dad? Your father just 65 00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:36,990 found out what Reese did. 66 00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,693 What'd he do? Your brother... 67 00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,329 Oh, my God! 68 00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,796 Did they have to evacuate?! 69 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:43,664 Glurb... 70 00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,132 Oh, man, what a day. 71 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,700 Vic lost his other one in the meat grinder, 72 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,503 and the health department shut us down for 15 minutes. 73 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:51,138 We were playing catch up all afternoon. 74 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,139 You sit down. 75 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:55,142 (speaking gibberish) 76 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,510 He wants to know 77 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,646 how you could do something so horrible. 78 00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,581 (speaking gibberish) 79 00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,316 And think you could get away with it? 80 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:05,586 (speaking gibberish) 81 00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,655 Was that "scramble" or "strangle"? 82 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,856 What are you guys talking about? 83 00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,359 You know very well what we're talking about. 84 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,494 Last week, you... 85 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,162 I can name Third World countries 86 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,265 where stuff like that happens all the time. 87 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,600 What am I going to do with you, Reese? 88 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,269 I don't want to tell you this is a new low, 89 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,936 because every time I do, 90 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,172 you take it as a personal challenge! 91 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,206 You know what? 92 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,276 I've just worked my butt off for six hours, 93 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,677 and I don't appreciate getting yelled at 94 00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,178 the second I come through the door. 95 00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,180 You're complaining? 96 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,716 No... complain! 97 00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,518 Yell... us! 98 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,353 Hal, give yourself another minute. 99 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,322 Or you both could just shut up. 100 00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,692 Oh, boy. 101 00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,694 In this family, that's what we call "the closer." 102 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,429 We now know that Reese is definitely 103 00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,963 not living here for the next few days. 104 00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:53,734 The only question left is who gets to take the credit. 105 00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,372 You're kicked out! I'm leaving! 106 00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:01,208 Not if we get to the doorknob first! 107 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,377 You're outta here! I'm outta here! 108 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,414 Tie goes to the runner. 109 00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:09,883 FRANCIS (over phone): They kicked Reese out again? 110 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,152 Yeah, we haven't heard from him in two days. 111 00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,253 I'm actually impressed. 112 00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,055 Usually by now he's eating cat food 113 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,324 off of Mrs. Harvey's porch. 114 00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:17,558 This is horrible. 115 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,560 How can they do this to their own children? 116 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,762 Yeah, it's really traumatizing me. 117 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,830 Don't they care 118 00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,065 about the psychological damage they're inflicting? 119 00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,600 A home isn't conditional. 120 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,435 A home should be 121 00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,236 safe and secure and... 122 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,938 Roomy. What? 123 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,407 The point is, I got kicked out when I was 15 124 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,842 and I never got to come home again. 125 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,010 They can't do this to Reese. 126 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,580 Someone has to do something. Someone has to stop them. 127 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,181 Am I the only one who understands 128 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,750 what kind of monsters these people are? 129 00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,818 I don't think this is as big a deal 130 00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,655 to the rest of the family as it is to you. 131 00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,423 (sighs) 132 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,091 Maybe you're overreacting. 133 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,292 Overreacting? 134 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,595 Dewey, when you're older, you will understand. 135 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,764 There are things in life called priorities, 136 00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,767 which I will explain to you in a few hours when I get there. 137 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,936 Right now, I have to call Otto and cash in some personal days. 138 00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,672 (huffs) 139 00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,507 Overreacting. 140 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,844 (knocking) 141 00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,515 Great timing. The muffins just came out. 142 00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,983 Thank God you called me. 143 00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,952 I can't believe the hell Mom and Dad put you through. 144 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,955 Hey, whose place is this? 145 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:22,990 It's mine. 146 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,858 It's completely furnished, including cable TV. 147 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,294 I told them I was 18, so I got a two-year lease. 148 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,162 You're a banana- walnut man, right? 149 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,331 Reese, you can't live in a place like this. 150 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,366 Yeah, I can. 151 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,967 They were having a move-in special. 152 00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,168 First month free. 153 00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,370 It's only $375 a month, 154 00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,638 utilities included. 155 00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,807 I can make my rent in a week if I pick up an extra shift. 156 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,543 I should have done this, like, six months ago. 157 00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,645 (knocking) Hey, Reese, come on, we're going to the roof. 158 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,146 The nursing students across the street 159 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,381 are taking their cigarette break. 160 00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:48,549 I'm sorry, I can't. 161 00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,317 I'm having my brothers over for breakfast. 162 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,318 Francis, this is Teddy, 163 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,686 Lou, George. 164 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,756 Divorced, separated, wife's doing the best friend. 165 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,725 Ex-best friend. 166 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,892 Excuse me. 167 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,228 All right, well, you know where we'll be. 168 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,863 Hey, is that a wedding ring? 169 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,097 Yeah. 170 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,999 Start hiding the money now, friend. 171 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,334 Come on, let's go. 172 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,236 Oh, man, this place is awesome. 173 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,938 Reese, I know you think this place is great, 174 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:13,106 but any objective observer will tell you 175 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,675 it's most certainly not. 176 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,843 Whoa! 177 00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,377 This place is awesome! 178 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:18,846 One thing's for sure. 179 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,081 I'd never, ever leave if I were you. 180 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:22,082 So who's up for some muffins? 181 00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,917 I am. Me. No! No muffins. 182 00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:26,019 Reese, you can't just keep playing house like this. 183 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,522 Mom and Dad did something really horrible to you, 184 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,357 just like they did to me, 185 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,426 only you can't let them get away with it. 186 00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,394 You don't belong here. You belong at home. 187 00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,029 All right, fine. 188 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,698 Tell me one thing about my life 189 00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,734 that would be better if I was still at home. 190 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,138 I thought the "toilet seat never needs warming" argument 191 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,140 was pretty good. 192 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,315 Okay, the main thing to remember is that a college essay 193 00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:56,917 is just like any other essay you've written. 194 00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,120 You know, like homework. 195 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,092 For one of your classes. 196 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:08,796 Come on, Ira, I know it seems hard, 197 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,564 but you just have to get started. 198 00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:13,233 Like, if you had to describe yourself in one word, 199 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,002 what would that word be? 200 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,175 Ira. 201 00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:25,946 Okay. There we go. 202 00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,115 "Ira." 203 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,650 See? We started. 204 00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:33,420 Now, what else? I don't know. 205 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,523 I'm not much of a writer or a reader. 206 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,490 I don't like words. 207 00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:37,491 They confuse me. 208 00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:39,292 There's, like, hundreds of them. 209 00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,294 Calm down. You can do this. 210 00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,362 You know what? 211 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,597 I'm going to say something, 212 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,198 and you just say the first thing that comes to your head. 213 00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:49,002 My earliest memory in life is... 214 00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,171 Blue. 215 00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,506 Thing. 216 00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,609 Blue thing. 217 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,778 Good, you can use that. 218 00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,212 Like, um... 219 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,782 "Sometimes my childhood 220 00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,951 "feels vague and distant, 221 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,955 like something draped in a blue haze." 222 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,957 See? 223 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,526 Yeah. That's cool. 224 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,194 Okay, my biggest fear is... 225 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,362 Spiders. 226 00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,831 No-- waffles. 227 00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:23,871 "I let my fears wash over me and I see that I am 228 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,807 "imprinted with a repeating pattern 229 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,042 of optimism and despair." 230 00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:31,344 Hey, that's not bad. 231 00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,346 "I hope someday 232 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,748 "to free myself, 233 00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:36,482 to find the one thing..." 234 00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:37,751 You're not going to do anything? 235 00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,052 You have to go to that apartment 236 00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,419 and get him back. 237 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,188 Look, that's not how it works. 238 00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,390 Oh, I know how it works. 239 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,258 I was thrown into military school so fast, 240 00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,594 I still had shampoo in my hair. 241 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:47,595 The minute a child 242 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:50,163 is inconvenient to you, you kick him out. 243 00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,432 Francis, this is really none of your business. 244 00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,067 You don't even live here anymore. 245 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,403 Because you kicked me out! 246 00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:58,572 And now you're doing the same thing to Reese. 247 00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:00,107 Right now he's sitting in that apartment 248 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:00,974 with his cable TV 249 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,176 and his huge stack of video games... 250 00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,177 miserable. 251 00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,180 If Reese is unhappy, he brought it on himself. 252 00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,181 Really? So what's this? 253 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,417 Like the tenth time he's "brought it on himself"? 254 00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,685 And let's see, 255 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,754 Malcolm's "brought it on himself" six times, 256 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,422 so with my 28 times, that makes... 257 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,724 40 kick-outs, 258 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:19,359 three different kids, and the only constant 259 00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,228 through all of this is you two. 260 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,864 Francis, that is not fair. 261 00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,365 Maybe you just don't like sharing 262 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,634 your house with your children. 263 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,636 So when's Dewey going to "bring it on himself"? 264 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,737 When's Jamie? 265 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,273 Where is Jamie? 266 00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,476 He's at the babysitter's. 267 00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,712 Just till 5:00. 268 00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:42,282 MAN 1 (crying): Oh, for the love of God, Carol, 269 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,717 leave me my dignity. 270 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,552 Okay, take my dignity. 271 00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,755 Just let me see my kids. 272 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,760 MAN 2: Just pull the trigger. 273 00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,662 In one second, it'll all be over. 274 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:57,631 Come on, stop being such a coward and do it! 275 00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,599 Hey, Dave, is that you? 276 00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,434 Uh... yeah. 277 00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,470 What channel do you have on in there? 278 00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,939 It sounds better than what I'm watching. 279 00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,914 This is all... 280 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,516 new to us. 281 00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:19,352 We've never... 282 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,588 examined our parenting before. 283 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,256 It always seemed to us 284 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,526 like something that should just come naturally. 285 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,928 Yeah, everything on the planet's 286 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,629 been having kids for billions of years. 287 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,831 I mean, look at snakes. 288 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,532 They never take parenting classes. 289 00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,867 The world's crawling with them. 290 00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,136 How exactly did you want me to help you? 291 00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:41,809 Well, we have fallen into a bad pattern. 292 00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:45,545 Our boys misbehave and they are punished. 293 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:46,546 And then they severely 294 00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:47,815 misbehave and they are 295 00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:48,982 severely punished. 296 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,719 And then they misbehave in some outlandish, 297 00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,722 jaw-dropping way where, if we responded in kind, 298 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,456 we'd end up in jail. 299 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,825 We're at the end of our rope here. 300 00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,192 Well, of course you are. 301 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,862 So, we were hoping that with all your training, 302 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,364 you could teach us some kind of subtle trick 303 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,366 that would stop them in their tracks. 304 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,334 Trick? 305 00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,501 Yeah, you know, 306 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,070 some kind of secret psychological thing 307 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,906 that would get them to shut up and listen to us for a change. 308 00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,341 Yeah, my husband's getting older. 309 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,543 I mean, he can still take them individually, 310 00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:17,978 but if they ever team up on him... 311 00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,980 Look, I don't think it's a good idea 312 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,650 to treat kids like criminals or animals that need to be broken. 313 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,886 You've never met our boys. 314 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,688 Yeah, you can't begin to imagine the things they do. 315 00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,858 I've been practicing psychiatry for 40 years. 316 00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:33,761 There's nothing you could say that would shock me. 317 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,165 All right. 318 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,734 Last week, Reese... 319 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,536 Oh, my God! What were the cats for? 320 00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,272 We don't know. 321 00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,206 Give me a minute. 322 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,342 Now... 323 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:53,680 even in the most extreme, breathtakingly horrifying cases, 324 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:58,018 there are some techniques that can be useful. 325 00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,054 Yes! See, I told you this wasn't a waste of 90 bucks. 326 00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,523 Have you ever heard of Active Listening? 327 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,025 No. 328 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:08,695 Most teenagers act out because they feel no one cares. 329 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,364 With Active Listening, you mirror back 330 00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,066 everything your child says, 331 00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,567 which shows you're hearing them, 332 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,636 and, by extension, understanding. 333 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,071 I know. It sounds simple. 334 00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,808 But believe me, I've seen it work miracles. 335 00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:24,211 Yeah, I don't think Reese would respond to that. 336 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,246 You're worried it won't help him. 337 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,215 Yes! What if it actually makes it worse? 338 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,116 I don't think 339 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:29,950 I could stand 340 00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,985 any more trouble with him. 341 00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,987 Oh, this is so confusing! 342 00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,956 You're feeling mixed-up right now. 343 00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,590 God, yes, I am. You know, I'm usually 344 00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:39,259 so sure of myself, 345 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,260 but this whole thing 346 00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:43,263 has just made me question every aspect of... 347 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,400 Oh, that's good. 348 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:50,270 Oh, that's really good. 349 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,739 "...I now realize 350 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,775 "that blue is not the color of confusion, 351 00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,310 "but rather, 352 00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,112 it is the color of hope." 353 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,080 Yeah. 354 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,148 That's it. 355 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,450 Dude, the parts I understood... they were awesome. 356 00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,819 Great, well, now that we have the ideas all down, 357 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:08,021 all we have to do is put it into the kind of words 358 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,656 that you would actually... 359 00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,658 Thanks, Malcolm. You're awesome. 360 00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,793 People are going to think I'm so smart. 361 00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,695 Wait! We're not done yet. Hold on a second... 362 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,464 Blue is definitely my favorite color now. 363 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,107 Hey! Let's get going, Reese. 364 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,977 It's Ladies-Get-Free-Shrimp Night at the Red Lobster. 365 00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,611 Maybe I'll meet you down there. 366 00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,113 I got to get a jump on my homework. 367 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,147 Hey, you already blew off 368 00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:35,815 Air Hockey Night and Pot Luck Wednesday, 369 00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,284 but I was counting on you for tonight. 370 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,853 I need someone to turn the conversation to my tongue trick. 371 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,321 I guess now that I'm on my own, 372 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,556 I just feel like being more responsible. 373 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,958 Hey, I got three kids. 374 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,293 You don't see me talking about responsibility. 375 00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,195 Come on, I'm not taking no for an answer. 376 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,063 Okay, okay. 377 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,709 Mom? I have a problem. I need to talk. 378 00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:04,144 Good. 379 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,881 You can talk, and I will listen. 380 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,985 This football player wants to use an essay I wrote 381 00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:14,354 for his college application and pretend it's his own. 382 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,255 I know it's dishonest, 383 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,657 but I might be making too much of it. 384 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,492 I wanted to get your advice. 385 00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:23,997 You're hoping I can help you. 386 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,833 Yeah, I just said that. 387 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,035 So, I don't think he should get 388 00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,669 into college under false pretenses, 389 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:30,703 but are they really false pretenses 390 00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,073 if nobody thinks he's smart anyway? 391 00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,107 I don't want to be a part 392 00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,875 of his cheating, but I also don't want 393 00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,844 to take away his shot at going to college. 394 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,246 I just don't know what to do. 395 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,516 You're uncertain... 396 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,186 what action to take. 397 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,387 Yes! 398 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,122 Why are you talking like a robot? 399 00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:52,125 You want to know why I'm... 400 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,427 talking like a robot. 401 00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,629 I have a problem, and I need your help! 402 00:14:56,663 --> 00:15:00,133 All you're doing is mindlessly parroting back what I say! 403 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:03,736 You say one thing, and I restate it. 404 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,538 Forget it! If you're not going to help me, 405 00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,307 you don't have to mock me! 406 00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,210 We do not come from a family of criminals. 407 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,146 You do not let him turn in that essay! 408 00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,281 (sighs) 409 00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,483 God, I knew listening to our kids would be a mistake. 410 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,550 (phone ringing) 411 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,119 Hello? 412 00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:20,220 Hello. Is this the residence 413 00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,821 of the most un-nurturing, callous parents 414 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:22,922 in the universe? 415 00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:24,224 It's for you. 416 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,325 Hello. 417 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:27,827 Hi. I just got off the phone with your son, Reese. 418 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:28,895 It's been over a week, 419 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,730 and you haven't even talked to him? 420 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,265 Congratulations! The fracturing 421 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,467 of this family is now two-fifths complete. 422 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,337 Francis, this is a very hard and complicated situation, 423 00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,839 and I don't need you to yell at me right now. 424 00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,442 There is nothing complicated about it. 425 00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,012 Just go to his apartment, tell him you love him 426 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,579 and ask him to come home. 427 00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:47,414 Are you nuts? 428 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,249 This is Reese we're talking about. 429 00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,119 So what? Come on! You know exactly how he thinks. 430 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:53,753 If we show that kind of weakness, 431 00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,356 it's like showing a hyena the belly of an antelope. 432 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:59,259 Reese will come home with no limits and no boundaries. 433 00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,261 Within five years, we will be saying 434 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,596 our last words to him over a police bullhorn. 435 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,499 All I know is that you have a child that needs you. 436 00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,367 DEWEY: No, he doesn't! 437 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,536 He's happy where he is, and so are we! 438 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:10,603 Dewey, get off the phone. 439 00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,272 (beeps) 440 00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,274 Mom, I understand what you're worried about, 441 00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,709 but there is more to Reese than you give him credit for. 442 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,145 I wish I could believe that. 443 00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,513 Honey, I got to go. There's another call. 444 00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,614 What'd he...? 445 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,450 Hello. 446 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,152 Yes, this is she. 447 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:28,721 This is Peter Noyes, Reese's chemistry teacher. 448 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:30,890 I'm sure you remember me from last year's hearing. 449 00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,659 There's something... 450 00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,794 new I have to discuss with you. 451 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,497 Oh, my God! What did he do now? 452 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,632 Your son... 453 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:43,002 He got an "A" on his midterm?! 454 00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,204 They matched the handwriting, 455 00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,872 they had him reenact the experiment. 456 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,140 He did it himself. 457 00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,576 Mr. Noyes said it's the most remarkable turnaround 458 00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:50,810 he's ever seen. 459 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,212 Wow! 460 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:57,384 He also said that we should be really proud of ourselves. 461 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,189 Hey, Ira. 462 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,990 Listen, do you have that essay I wrote? 463 00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:05,825 I just wanted to make one quick change. 464 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:06,992 Yeah. 465 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,395 Here it is. 466 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,564 The change I want to make is this. 467 00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,501 Was it too long? 468 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,667 No! 469 00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,769 Listen to me, Ira. 470 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,338 Everyone gives you breaks. 471 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,406 Everyone does everything for you. 472 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,509 You might think it's good, but it's not. 473 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:25,345 They're telling you you're an idiot, and you're not an idiot. 474 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:26,546 You can write this essay. 475 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,181 You can write this essay on your own. 476 00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,183 Remember that story you told me about 477 00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,618 the two-pound steak you once ate? 478 00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,953 You thought it'd be impossible, but you took it 479 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,422 one bite at a time, and you did it. 480 00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:38,391 You just need to do the same thing with your essay. 481 00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,193 Okay, I'll try. 482 00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,295 "And then I pretended I was Rocky, 483 00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:44,264 "and I told Mr. T, 'Go for it.' 484 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,233 "I really wished his Mohawk fell off 485 00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,568 "when he got hit. 486 00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:49,469 The end." 487 00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,904 Thanks, Malcolm. This is the most words 488 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,873 I've ever put together in my life. 489 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,475 Yeah. 490 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,076 I-It shows. 491 00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:58,945 Mmm! 492 00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,247 This is amazing. 493 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,549 I think the lemon zest really brings it to life. 494 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,117 How's your dinner? 495 00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:07,086 DAVE (sobbing): I'm having half-frozen Lean Cuisine. 496 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,456 Not much of a last meal, if you ask me! 497 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,124 (knocking) 498 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:14,827 What are you doing here? 499 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:15,895 Can we come in? 500 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,597 Sure. You want some dinner? 501 00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,098 No, but thank you, Reese. 502 00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,800 Seriously. I just got a convection oven. 503 00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:23,136 I can whip you up a frittata in, like, ten minutes. 504 00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,271 (whispers): It's spotless. 505 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:28,107 Reese, we came here to do something. 506 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,243 It goes against all of our instincts, 507 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,480 and even as I'm about to do it, it doesn't feel right. 508 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,815 But... it seems our instincts aren't 509 00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,917 very good lately, so... here goes. 510 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:38,751 What is it? 511 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,819 Reese, we love you, 512 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,756 and we think you might be better off staying here. 513 00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,757 Really? 514 00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,025 Honest to God, you seem to be 515 00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,194 doing much better without us. 516 00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,361 I mean, let's face it, 517 00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,330 in 17 years with us, you have spent 518 00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:53,266 more days in juvenile court than you have in school. 519 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,635 But now, after ten days on your own, you... 520 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:58,004 you're a functioning member of society. 521 00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,138 Wow! 522 00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,608 I must have really changed. 523 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,811 I don't even want to rub it in. 524 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:05,778 (door opens) 525 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:06,779 Mail call! 526 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,681 I confiscated your Victoria's Secret catalog. 527 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,384 A kid your age should... Oh, you're entertaining. 528 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:12,719 Teddy, these are my parents. 529 00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,787 Mom, Dad, this is my neighbor, Teddy. 530 00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,289 Hello. This visitation thing's 531 00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,425 a real pain in the ass, huh? 532 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,661 You know, this place isn't so bad. 533 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,664 Next time we come, we can bring some plants. 534 00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:25,832 Sweet! Hold on a sec. 535 00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,537 Hi, I just got your Deluxe Platinum Card, 536 00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,305 and I want to activate it. 537 00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:33,840 "Two-four-seven-one." 538 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,476 Now, listen, I already transferred a $3,000 balance 539 00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,977 from the Valley Federal Card 540 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,812 over to my Spring Mills Mutual Card, 541 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,348 because I had an $8,000 limit. 542 00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,483 But since I'm already bumping against that, 543 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,918 I might as well transfer everything to yours, 544 00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,487 because it has a $20,000 limit. 545 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,656 Sure, I'd love to talk to a supervisor. 546 00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:50,990 Hey! I was on the phone! 547 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,325 You've been using credit cards? 548 00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:53,660 How much have you spent? 549 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:54,994 Ten, 11 grand. 550 00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:55,928 But I'm still 551 00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,063 way under the $20,000 limit. 552 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,332 How can you spend that much in ten days? 553 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,501 Well, you know, I got that new convection oven, 554 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,070 and that made the refrigerator look kind of shabby. 555 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,838 Plus, I had to buy new clothes 556 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:06,939 every time mine got dirty. 557 00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,341 And that giant gong in the bathroom? 558 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,243 I mean, how do you guys do it? 559 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:13,012 Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! 560 00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,381 Reese, I really owe you some thanks 561 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,848 for giving me some faith in myself. 562 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,685 The next few days, I will be saying very little. 563 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,753 I will be deciding on a punishment. 564 00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,789 Ideas are already popping into my mind. 565 00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:25,692 It's really very exciting, but I don't want to get hasty 566 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,727 and leave either of us feeling dissatisfied. 567 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,029 Ow! You're going to drag me all the way home? 568 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,798 Well, we're taking your ear there. 569 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:34,867 If the rest of you wants to come, that's fine, too. 570 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,537 It's been almost a month, and Mom's still coming up 571 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,205 with fresh punishments for Reese. 572 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,207 She says she's never felt more creative. 573 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,975 She must be doing something right. 574 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,744 He has a white streak in his hair. 575 00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,712 Hey, Malcolm. Guess what. 576 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,414 I got accepted. I'm going to college. 577 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,781 Really? Which school? 578 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:51,651 All of them-- AandM, Tulane, Georgia, Stanford. 579 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,120 Full scholarships and everything. 580 00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:55,988 Stanford liked your essay? 581 00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,825 No, I forgot to put it in the envelope. I got in, anyway. 582 00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,827 But don't worry. That essay didn't go to waste. 583 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:03,830 I handed it in as my math midterm and got an "A." 584 00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,998 Thanks for making me believe in myself, Malcolm. 585 00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:08,768 You proved that I don't need all these people helping me. 586 00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,537 See ya. 587 00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,673 Stanford. Poor guy. 588 00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,575 I'll bet he doesn't know it only has 589 00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,744 the third-best astrophysics department in the country.