1
00:00:12,541 --> 00:00:17,375
{\an8}Oh, Maury,
I can't get Bernie Sanders off my mind.

2
00:00:17,458 --> 00:00:22,875
Oh, you came so close to touching
her sweet socialist sweater sausages.

3
00:00:22,958 --> 00:00:25,375
Ew. They're not sausages.
Come on. What's the matter with you?

4
00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:28,500
Oh, I'm sorry,
I think it's the pregnancy hormones.

5
00:00:28,583 --> 00:00:31,208
And maybe the stress
of Connie not wanting the baby.

6
00:00:31,291 --> 00:00:33,916
Okay, wow. That's a lot of information.

7
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,000
I guess people
really need to watch the spin-off.

8
00:00:36,083 --> 00:00:37,958
Yeah, they watched it.
You didn't watch it?

9
00:00:38,041 --> 00:00:40,541
I can't watch shows with my friends
in them. It just takes me out.

10
00:00:40,625 --> 00:00:41,541
Hey, Andrew!

11
00:00:41,625 --> 00:00:44,458
Get out there and shovel the driveway
before it stops snowing.

12
00:00:44,541 --> 00:00:47,041
Can't you just hire someone
with a snowplow?

13
00:00:47,125 --> 00:00:50,625
You're my snowplow!
I already pay you in dinner!

14
00:00:50,708 --> 00:00:52,083
Brittany, your turn.

15
00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:54,875
Fuck Brittany, and fuck these board games!

16
00:00:54,958 --> 00:00:57,750
We've been snowed in
with your family for two weeks.

17
00:00:57,833 --> 00:01:01,708
I know. It feels like a million years
since Jay's long tongue was in my mouth.

18
00:01:01,791 --> 00:01:03,125
So fucking long.

19
00:01:03,208 --> 00:01:05,166
I just wanna see him so bad.

20
00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:06,791
It makes me wanna... wanna...

21
00:01:06,875 --> 00:01:08,083
Kill your whole family?

22
00:01:08,166 --> 00:01:09,875
No, it makes me wanna sing.

23
00:01:09,958 --> 00:01:12,000
Oh, fuck yeah. I love that idea.

24
00:01:12,083 --> 00:01:15,000
♪ Every minute's like a hundred hours ♪

25
00:01:15,083 --> 00:01:18,208
♪ Every hour's like a million years ♪

26
00:01:18,291 --> 00:01:23,125
♪ I'm drowning in an ocean
Of lonely isolation ♪

27
00:01:24,041 --> 00:01:26,583
♪ My parents' every loving utterance ♪

28
00:01:26,666 --> 00:01:29,625
♪ Is like a dagger plunging into my ears ♪

29
00:01:29,708 --> 00:01:35,541
♪ I'm seething
With a murderous desperation ♪

30
00:01:36,041 --> 00:01:38,833
♪ Endless baking, joyless Zooming ♪

31
00:01:38,916 --> 00:01:41,833
♪ The loneliness is all-consuming ♪

32
00:01:41,916 --> 00:01:46,041
♪ Witless morons driving me up the wall ♪

33
00:01:46,583 --> 00:01:47,708
[sighs]

34
00:01:47,791 --> 00:01:52,250
♪ I'm angry, bored, and sad
But most of all ♪

35
00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,250
♪ I'm so horny ♪

36
00:01:56,333 --> 00:01:58,625
♪ How I crave a human touch ♪

37
00:01:58,708 --> 00:02:02,041
♪ 'Cause I'm so horny ♪

38
00:02:02,125 --> 00:02:04,958
♪ I never needed a friend so much ♪

39
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:07,666
♪ I know somewhere
There's floods and famine ♪

40
00:02:07,750 --> 00:02:10,958
♪ Death, disease, and grim despair ♪

41
00:02:11,041 --> 00:02:16,166
♪ But honestly, how can I begin to care? ♪

42
00:02:16,250 --> 00:02:18,458
-♪ When I'm so horny ♪
-♪ I need release ♪

43
00:02:18,541 --> 00:02:19,750
♪ I need some space ♪

44
00:02:19,833 --> 00:02:22,583
♪ Need to bump, need to grind
Need to suck some face ♪

45
00:02:22,666 --> 00:02:24,041
♪ Get me out of this hell ♪

46
00:02:24,125 --> 00:02:25,416
♪ Get me out of this cage ♪

47
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:28,375
♪ I'm a pent-up
Sex-starved ball of rage ♪

48
00:02:28,458 --> 00:02:31,000
♪ I've gotta break out
Of these cursed walls ♪

49
00:02:31,083 --> 00:02:32,333
♪ I gotta blow some steam ♪

50
00:02:32,416 --> 00:02:33,875
♪ I gotta drain my balls ♪

51
00:02:33,958 --> 00:02:35,333
♪ I gotta blow this joint ♪

52
00:02:35,416 --> 00:02:36,791
♪ I gotta blow my load ♪

53
00:02:36,875 --> 00:02:38,166
-♪ Gonna snap ♪
-♪ Gonna kill ♪

54
00:02:38,250 --> 00:02:40,000
♪ I'm gonna explode! ♪

55
00:02:40,083 --> 00:02:47,083
♪ I'm so fucking horny ♪

56
00:02:47,583 --> 00:02:49,833
[all panting]

57
00:02:52,208 --> 00:02:57,958
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

58
00:03:01,625 --> 00:03:07,708
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

59
00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:08,625
♪ Oh ♪

60
00:03:09,208 --> 00:03:10,333
♪ In my life ♪

61
00:03:11,541 --> 00:03:12,541
♪ Oh ♪

62
00:03:12,625 --> 00:03:14,750
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

63
00:03:24,541 --> 00:03:25,666
There he is, Maury.

64
00:03:25,750 --> 00:03:27,833
-He's even hotter than I remember.
-[Maury] Matthew.

65
00:03:27,916 --> 00:03:31,250
Go to him. Lasso him with your dick
and pin him down with your tongue.

66
00:03:31,333 --> 00:03:33,375
Get out. Look out. Ah!

67
00:03:33,458 --> 00:03:36,916
{\an8}Holy shit, I'm so fucking horny for you.

68
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:37,833
{\an8}[moaning]

69
00:03:37,916 --> 00:03:41,958
{\an8}Oh, what I wouldn't give
to attack Bernie Sanders just like that.

70
00:03:42,041 --> 00:03:43,708
Andrew, don't use the word "attack."

71
00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:46,416
But I know what you mean.
I'm feeling kinda randy.

72
00:03:46,500 --> 00:03:49,708
I guess it's because I'm, like,
becoming a big, studly man too.

73
00:03:49,791 --> 00:03:55,291
Oh yeah, my man's got a hard
little piece of chalk in his panties.

74
00:03:55,375 --> 00:03:56,208
Ow!

75
00:03:56,291 --> 00:03:58,666
You know what?
I'm gonna text Bernie right now.

76
00:03:58,750 --> 00:04:00,916
"Dear Sugarpuss..."

77
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,125
-Whoa.
-I know. Pretty erotic, right?

78
00:04:04,208 --> 00:04:08,708
Oh God. It's so hot
how smooth and clean your teeth are.

79
00:04:08,791 --> 00:04:10,708
It's like kissing a dentist.

80
00:04:10,791 --> 00:04:12,875
Oh yeah, we needed that.

81
00:04:12,958 --> 00:04:14,375
We really did.

82
00:04:14,458 --> 00:04:16,208
Wait. Maury, are you smoking?

83
00:04:16,291 --> 00:04:18,625
Oh yeah, for hormone monsters,
smoking is...

84
00:04:18,708 --> 00:04:20,125
[coughing]

85
00:04:20,208 --> 00:04:21,666
It's actually very good for the baby.

86
00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:22,791
Ooh! Hey, Matthew.

87
00:04:22,875 --> 00:04:26,500
Maybe after school,
we could go back to your place

88
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:29,041
and I could "shovel your driveway."

89
00:04:29,125 --> 00:04:31,208
I don't know what that means,
but I want it.

90
00:04:31,291 --> 00:04:34,333
Are you kidding? It's one thing
to come out to my devout family.

91
00:04:34,416 --> 00:04:36,750
It's a whole other thing
to bring my boyfriend home.

92
00:04:36,833 --> 00:04:38,750
Oh, come on, they already know you're gay.

93
00:04:38,833 --> 00:04:41,083
Now it's time to rub their faces in it.

94
00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:43,375
No. My mom and I
are finally talking again.

95
00:04:43,458 --> 00:04:46,000
-I don't wanna rock the boat.
-All right.

96
00:04:46,083 --> 00:04:49,833
Um, Jay, maybe we could find
a more private place to hook up.

97
00:04:49,916 --> 00:04:52,541
Oh yeah, sure. Like an empty septic tank?

98
00:04:52,625 --> 00:04:54,541
-Uh, less private than that.
-Oh, I got it.

99
00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:56,833
My pants car has finally thawed out
from that snowbank.

100
00:04:56,916 --> 00:04:59,750
I could lay you down on a bed of denim

101
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,333
and worship your body for free.

102
00:05:02,416 --> 00:05:06,208
-That actually sounds... pretty great.
-I know.

103
00:05:06,291 --> 00:05:10,416
I bet you think it bothers me
that Jay picked Matthew over me.

104
00:05:10,500 --> 00:05:11,666
Oh. Are you talking to us?

105
00:05:11,750 --> 00:05:14,500
Sweetie, I'm talking to anybody
who will listen.

106
00:05:14,583 --> 00:05:17,625
-Is that Andrew?
-Lola, what happened to your bangs?

107
00:05:17,708 --> 00:05:18,791
Oh my God, thank you.

108
00:05:18,875 --> 00:05:20,708
It's a new year, so it's a new me.

109
00:05:20,791 --> 00:05:24,250
And while I was not asked to sing
in the opening number,

110
00:05:24,333 --> 00:05:27,375
I, too, am as horny as my bangs are long.

111
00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:29,000
Hey, Lola, we're twins.

112
00:05:29,083 --> 00:05:31,125
I grew out my bangs too.

113
00:05:31,208 --> 00:05:32,500
My nose bangs.

114
00:05:32,583 --> 00:05:35,708
My lips are too shy to be nudie.

115
00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:39,750
Missy, why do all the guys
at our school suck?

116
00:05:39,833 --> 00:05:43,125
Yeah, this bakery
is fresh out of stud muffins.

117
00:05:43,208 --> 00:05:45,625
You know who doesn't suck? Judd.

118
00:05:45,708 --> 00:05:46,958
[screams]

119
00:05:47,041 --> 00:05:51,833
He's a man with a motor vehicle
and a license to kill... that pussy.

120
00:05:51,916 --> 00:05:54,250
As much as I would love
for him to murder my vagina,

121
00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:56,083
it's never gonna happen.

122
00:05:56,166 --> 00:05:57,333
He's too old for me.

123
00:05:57,416 --> 00:06:00,500
Oh, Missy. Stud muffin,
hot out of the oven, four o'clock.

124
00:06:00,583 --> 00:06:01,708
Oh yeah, he's cute.

125
00:06:01,791 --> 00:06:04,666
Hey, Jessi, who's
that dirty little danish over there?

126
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:06,666
Him? I think he's just an extra.

127
00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:09,500
See how he's just standing there
and, like, blinking occasionally?

128
00:06:09,583 --> 00:06:11,666
He can't be an extra.
We're talking about him.

129
00:06:11,750 --> 00:06:13,708
Yeah. What's his deal?

130
00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:16,875
I bet he sleeps nude
in an RV on the beach,

131
00:06:16,958 --> 00:06:20,125
with an ashtray in his bed
and an angry dog by his side.

132
00:06:20,208 --> 00:06:22,208
What is that? Is that from something?

133
00:06:22,291 --> 00:06:23,916
It's Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.

134
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,375
Oh, okay.

135
00:06:25,458 --> 00:06:28,875
I only know him from his work
as a racist and an anti-Semite.

136
00:06:28,958 --> 00:06:31,458
Well, he used to be an actor too.

137
00:06:32,041 --> 00:06:33,958
We got too much mail today.

138
00:06:34,041 --> 00:06:34,958
I'm sorry, Marty.

139
00:06:35,041 --> 00:06:35,958
-[phone buzzes]
-[gasps]

140
00:06:36,041 --> 00:06:39,791
Maury, Bernie Sanders replied to my text.
She wants to Zoom.

141
00:06:39,875 --> 00:06:43,250
Yeah, let's go upstairs
and Zoom-Zoom from your room-room.

142
00:06:43,333 --> 00:06:46,125
Where do you think you're going,
you number one pervert?

143
00:06:46,208 --> 00:06:48,375
Oh, I think
I left the light on in my room.

144
00:06:48,458 --> 00:06:50,166
-Even though nobody's up there.
-What?

145
00:06:50,250 --> 00:06:52,041
But that's fine, right? I should leave it.

146
00:06:52,125 --> 00:06:52,958
What're you nuts?!

147
00:06:53,041 --> 00:06:55,291
Turn it off before I stab you in the eye
with this fork.

148
00:06:55,375 --> 00:06:57,625
Like taking candy from a baby.

149
00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:59,708
Looks like it's just you and me.

150
00:06:59,791 --> 00:07:02,791
I think I might have left the light on
in the garage.

151
00:07:02,875 --> 00:07:04,958
You too? Go! Get outta here!

152
00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:07,375
Like taking candy from a baby.

153
00:07:07,458 --> 00:07:09,708
Everybody's stupid but me.

154
00:07:09,791 --> 00:07:11,375
Mm. [chewing]

155
00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:12,625
[moaning]

156
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:15,833
[in robotic voice]
Ultimate boner achieved.

157
00:07:15,916 --> 00:07:17,750
Oh, this is the dream.

158
00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:21,083
A horny robot boyfriend
with his own pants car.

159
00:07:21,166 --> 00:07:24,833
Robo-Jay requires more tongue action.

160
00:07:26,125 --> 00:07:27,708
Uh, is the car moving?

161
00:07:27,791 --> 00:07:30,791
[in normal voice] Oh, sweet Matthew,
I think that's just my dick.

162
00:07:30,875 --> 00:07:33,708
No, Jay. We're rolling
towards the edge of the cliff.

163
00:07:33,791 --> 00:07:35,916
-Holy shit.
-Oh fuck!

164
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,250
-The brakes don't work.
-Neither do the doors. We're gonna die.

165
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:40,791
[screaming]

166
00:07:40,875 --> 00:07:41,791
[Matthew] Oh God!

167
00:07:41,875 --> 00:07:44,666
[in robotic voice]
Initiating life-saving mode.

168
00:07:44,750 --> 00:07:46,166
[grunting]

169
00:07:46,250 --> 00:07:47,166
[Matthew] No.

170
00:07:48,583 --> 00:07:50,750
Holy shit. We're alive.

171
00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:52,125
[Jay] Oh no! My pants car!

172
00:07:52,208 --> 00:07:55,791
Matthew, your denim-stuffed
cum chariot is destroyed.

173
00:07:55,875 --> 00:07:57,875
Shit, where are we gonna hook up now?

174
00:07:57,958 --> 00:08:00,916
At least
my kerosene-soaked fireworks are okay.

175
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,416
Oh, come on!

176
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:06,625
I was saving those
for our one-month anniversary.

177
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:10,625
Oh man, she's connecting
to computer audio.

178
00:08:10,708 --> 00:08:12,208
-Hey, Andrew.
-Bernie.

179
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:14,666
I know it's only been a few weeks,
but I miss you so much.

180
00:08:14,750 --> 00:08:17,583
Me too. I just wanna
sneak up behind you and attack you.

181
00:08:17,666 --> 00:08:19,583
Yes, I feel the same way.

182
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:23,333
I can't stop thinking about the last time
we were together. We came so close to...

183
00:08:23,416 --> 00:08:25,083
Fondling each other's breasts?

184
00:08:25,166 --> 00:08:27,166
Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say.

185
00:08:27,250 --> 00:08:30,333
But, um, I don't know,
maybe we should try again right now?

186
00:08:30,416 --> 00:08:31,333
What do you mean?

187
00:08:31,416 --> 00:08:34,833
Like, you squeeze your boobs
and I squeeze mine?

188
00:08:34,916 --> 00:08:36,458
Ooh, I like it.

189
00:08:36,541 --> 00:08:38,250
Oh, that feels nice.

190
00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:41,916
♪ Well, I think it's horny time
Yeah, I think it's horny time ♪

191
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,458
Should we maybe take off our shirts?

192
00:08:44,541 --> 00:08:46,541
Okay. This is gonna be over
in about 45 seconds.

193
00:08:46,625 --> 00:08:48,666
Holy shit. I mean, yeah.

194
00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:50,166
I'm gonna take off my shirt

195
00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:53,000
so you can see my Jewish fucking torso.

196
00:08:53,083 --> 00:08:55,416
-Yes, you... Oh. Andrew?
-Oh, you like that?

197
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:56,583
-Andrew.
-Excuse me?

198
00:08:56,666 --> 00:08:59,625
Because this little whore
is just getting started, baby.

199
00:08:59,708 --> 00:09:01,083
Andrew, what is happening?

200
00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,666
Oh shit! Mom.

201
00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:04,833
Just keep going.
We'll deal with the fallout later.

202
00:09:04,916 --> 00:09:06,541
What's that nympho doing now?

203
00:09:06,625 --> 00:09:07,708
Why is your shirt off?

204
00:09:07,791 --> 00:09:09,583
Why are you on Zoom?

205
00:09:09,666 --> 00:09:11,666
-It's the family account.
-That's it.

206
00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:13,833
We can't trust you with your own penis.

207
00:09:13,916 --> 00:09:15,500
Oh God. What does that mean?

208
00:09:15,583 --> 00:09:18,541
Your pecker or your door?
One of them's getting removed.

209
00:09:18,625 --> 00:09:19,541
-The door.
-The door.

210
00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,041
-The goddamn door.
-The door?

211
00:09:21,125 --> 00:09:23,916
Let's see if you like molesting yourself
with an audience.

212
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:26,208
Oh yeah, he quite enjoys that, yes.

213
00:09:26,291 --> 00:09:28,833
Okay, careful. One more step.

214
00:09:28,916 --> 00:09:30,208
Ta-da!

215
00:09:30,291 --> 00:09:32,541
-Uh, Jay, where are we?
-Nick's attic.

216
00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:36,583
I know you wanted me to find
a new hookup place, and this is perfect.

217
00:09:36,666 --> 00:09:38,291
It's dark. It's private,

218
00:09:38,375 --> 00:09:42,125
and it stinks really good,
like the gym locker room.

219
00:09:42,208 --> 00:09:45,375
-Jayzarian Rickflairian Bilzerian.
-Woo!

220
00:09:45,458 --> 00:09:46,416
What are you doing here?

221
00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:50,250
Well, the ghost of Duke Ellington,
this is my new boyfriend, Matthew.

222
00:09:50,333 --> 00:09:51,166
Hey, Matt.

223
00:09:51,250 --> 00:09:54,916
Turns out we can't hardcore french
each other's bods at either of our houses

224
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,833
'cause our families are germophobic.

225
00:09:56,916 --> 00:09:58,916
I think what Jay means is "homophobic."

226
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,291
Oh no, my dad
actually considers me to be a virus.

227
00:10:02,375 --> 00:10:03,583
[both laugh]

228
00:10:03,666 --> 00:10:05,916
Uh, Jay, is he gonna be here
the whole time, or...

229
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,541
No, I'm not some creep.

230
00:10:07,625 --> 00:10:10,250
I'm gonna go watch Elliot and Diane fuck.

231
00:10:10,333 --> 00:10:14,208
-Okay.
-[in singsong] Elliot weeps when he cums.

232
00:10:14,291 --> 00:10:15,375
[chuckles]

233
00:10:15,458 --> 00:10:18,375
Well? What do you think?
Pretty great, huh?

234
00:10:18,458 --> 00:10:22,791
Well, it's either this stinky attic
or your mom's Jesus-y house.

235
00:10:22,875 --> 00:10:25,041
I can make this work.

236
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:25,958
[grunts]

237
00:10:26,041 --> 00:10:26,875
Mm.

238
00:10:26,958 --> 00:10:27,958
Yeah.

239
00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:29,875
What the fuck, Jay?

240
00:10:29,958 --> 00:10:31,500
You hooked up at my house?

241
00:10:31,583 --> 00:10:32,666
Oh yeah, baby.

242
00:10:32,750 --> 00:10:34,541
I also watched you sleep

243
00:10:34,625 --> 00:10:37,833
-in your little boy, bacon-and-egg PJs.
-What?

244
00:10:37,916 --> 00:10:40,958
Andrew, you should use Nick's attic
to hook up with Bernie.

245
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:44,375
Your psycho dad won't be there
with his castrating screwdriver.

246
00:10:44,458 --> 00:10:47,291
Ooh, Nick, what kind of Wi-Fi
do you have in your attic?

247
00:10:47,375 --> 00:10:50,541
Do you think you have the bandwidth
to broadcast this fat ass?

248
00:10:50,625 --> 00:10:54,791
No. I don't want anyone hooking up
in my house, especially if I'm not.

249
00:10:54,875 --> 00:10:58,041
Missy, there he is. Little Mel Gibson.

250
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:01,083
Uh, I do think we should talk
about the nickname. Ooh.

251
00:11:01,166 --> 00:11:02,750
-Oh.
-I'm sorry, uh...

252
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:05,666
I'm Missy. And your name is?
Tell me now. Your name?

253
00:11:05,750 --> 00:11:08,000
-Elijah. I just moved here from Virginia.
-Oh.

254
00:11:08,083 --> 00:11:10,541
Virginia. That sounds like vagina,

255
00:11:10,625 --> 00:11:13,250
-and vagina is for lovers.
-Mona.

256
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:15,583
Well, I gotta be somewhere.

257
00:11:15,666 --> 00:11:18,416
-So see you around, Missy.
-[chuckles nervously] Okay.

258
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,708
He's so mysterious.
Where do you think he's going?

259
00:11:21,791 --> 00:11:25,041
[chuckles] Probably to fix something
with his shirt off.

260
00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:29,666
Like a motorcycle that he straddles
with his ample groin.

261
00:11:29,750 --> 00:11:32,250
-Elijah!
-Elijah!

262
00:11:32,833 --> 00:11:34,000
[Nick] It's just so gross.

263
00:11:34,083 --> 00:11:36,833
My friends were using our attic
like a cheap motel.

264
00:11:36,916 --> 00:11:37,750
Oh, Nicky.

265
00:11:37,833 --> 00:11:42,000
Clearly, your peers recognize us
as a safe haven for sex positivity.

266
00:11:42,083 --> 00:11:44,125
Ew. Don't call them my peers.

267
00:11:44,208 --> 00:11:45,916
Ha, ha. You're pathetic.

268
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,875
Your friends are all
hooking up in your house

269
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:50,000
while your little dick rots on the bone.

270
00:11:50,083 --> 00:11:53,666
Juddy, not everybody matures
at the same rate.

271
00:11:53,750 --> 00:11:57,166
That's right. I didn't have my first kiss
until I was 24,

272
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,291
but then, it was straight to anal.

273
00:11:59,375 --> 00:12:01,125
Okay, guys,
I'm gonna skip over the anal stuff

274
00:12:01,208 --> 00:12:04,250
and just say I've kissed my fair share
of girls. It's just been a while.

275
00:12:04,333 --> 00:12:06,250
Nick, I remember when I was your age,

276
00:12:06,333 --> 00:12:08,875
Tim Pelegrin had the hookup house.

277
00:12:08,958 --> 00:12:12,750
He frenched so many girls.
They had a PTA meeting about him.

278
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:15,083
[gasps]
Rick, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

279
00:12:15,166 --> 00:12:16,500
That if your dick is rotting,

280
00:12:16,583 --> 00:12:19,291
we should put the rest in a banana bread
before it goes bad?

281
00:12:19,375 --> 00:12:24,250
No, that having the hookup house
could actually be pretty sweet.

282
00:12:24,833 --> 00:12:26,625
[romantic music plays]

283
00:12:26,708 --> 00:12:28,708
Great hookup house, Nick.

284
00:12:28,791 --> 00:12:30,833
Do you want to three-way make out
with me and Devon?

285
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,625
Absolutely, sweetheart.
That's why we're here.

286
00:12:33,708 --> 00:12:36,333
No, Nick, make out with me first.

287
00:12:36,416 --> 00:12:40,125
No, Nick, we have called American dibs
on your small, strong body.

288
00:12:40,208 --> 00:12:44,208
Ladies, ladies, there's enough
of my small, strong body for all of you.

289
00:12:44,291 --> 00:12:45,291
[chuckles]

290
00:12:46,416 --> 00:12:49,625
Oh yeah,
that is exactly what's gonna happen.

291
00:12:49,708 --> 00:12:51,625
Yeah, whose dick is rotting now?

292
00:12:51,708 --> 00:12:53,666
Mine is, baby.

293
00:12:53,750 --> 00:12:56,291
[announcement music plays]

294
00:12:56,375 --> 00:12:57,791
Good morning, Bridgeton Middle.

295
00:12:57,875 --> 00:12:59,000
Coming up later this hour,

296
00:12:59,083 --> 00:13:03,500
we have an exclusive with a student
who saw Ms. Benitez at a laundromat.

297
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:07,416
But first, twist,
a word from our sponsors.

298
00:13:07,500 --> 00:13:11,958
Are you a local child
looking for hot action?

299
00:13:12,041 --> 00:13:14,375
{\an8}Hot action.

300
00:13:14,458 --> 00:13:18,750
But you live at home with your father
who wants to remove your penis?

301
00:13:18,833 --> 00:13:21,958
Well, the attic of your fantasies awaits.

302
00:13:22,041 --> 00:13:24,083
{\an8}The Hookup House. Hookup House.

303
00:13:24,166 --> 00:13:25,000
{\an8}[moans]

304
00:13:25,083 --> 00:13:29,916
Dozens of dark corners
to get absolutely nasty.

305
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,875
Oh, nasty.

306
00:13:31,958 --> 00:13:35,708
Cocking eyebrow.
Is this how Lola gets her groove back?

307
00:13:35,791 --> 00:13:37,958
-The Hookup House.
-Hookup House.

308
00:13:38,041 --> 00:13:41,583
Where the sex is infectious.

309
00:13:41,666 --> 00:13:43,416
Insexious.

310
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:47,041
If you're not there,
you're a total fucking loser.

311
00:13:47,125 --> 00:13:48,458
-Loser.
-[whispers] Loser.

312
00:13:48,541 --> 00:13:51,166
Shh! Tell everyone.

313
00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:54,625
-I am so there.
-Man, that attic looks lit.

314
00:13:54,708 --> 00:13:57,666
I am a local child looking for hot action.

315
00:13:57,750 --> 00:13:59,125
Hey, Elijah.

316
00:13:59,208 --> 00:14:03,791
I just wanted to make sure you knew about
the hookup house, or whatever the fuck.

317
00:14:03,875 --> 00:14:05,708
Yeah, I saw the commercial.

318
00:14:05,791 --> 00:14:06,833
Is that the kind of stuff

319
00:14:06,916 --> 00:14:09,083
you guys normally have
on your morning announcements?

320
00:14:09,166 --> 00:14:10,166
Yeah, pretty standard.

321
00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:13,375
I just really didn't want you
to feel excluded,

322
00:14:13,458 --> 00:14:15,833
you know, because, uh, you're new in town.

323
00:14:15,916 --> 00:14:17,958
Wow, that's really nice, Missy. Thank you.

324
00:14:18,041 --> 00:14:21,458
Okay, he is totally going
to the hookup house.

325
00:14:21,541 --> 00:14:24,333
[chuckles] Yeah, I hear it's insexious.

326
00:14:24,416 --> 00:14:26,208
-Insexiou...
-Oh!

327
00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:27,958
Get the fuck away from me, Andrew.

328
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,375
-Sorry.
-Further.

329
00:14:29,458 --> 00:14:30,916
[sexy music plays]

330
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:37,708
[sighs] I don't know, Missy.

331
00:14:37,791 --> 00:14:38,958
Come on, Jessi.

332
00:14:39,041 --> 00:14:40,333
Everyone's there.

333
00:14:40,416 --> 00:14:42,375
And it's the attic of our fantasies.

334
00:14:42,458 --> 00:14:45,541
Also, Judd lives in that fuck palace.

335
00:14:45,625 --> 00:14:46,833
Connie, stop.

336
00:14:46,916 --> 00:14:49,541
He knows about the T-shirt
and that I have a crush on him.

337
00:14:49,625 --> 00:14:51,125
It's all too humiliating.

338
00:14:51,208 --> 00:14:53,666
-But it's a hookup house.
-So?

339
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,916
So Judd will have to hook up with you.

340
00:14:57,000 --> 00:15:00,500
It's the rules.
Picture it in your tiny mind.

341
00:15:00,583 --> 00:15:02,958
You're hot, but you're short.

342
00:15:03,041 --> 00:15:05,458
I need you to stand
on my grandmother's dead skull

343
00:15:05,541 --> 00:15:07,500
-so I can tongue your throat.
-Okay.

344
00:15:09,833 --> 00:15:12,083
Oh God, Connie. I want that for me.

345
00:15:12,166 --> 00:15:13,791
So let's go get it.

346
00:15:13,875 --> 00:15:16,041
Okay, Missy. It's gonna be stupid,

347
00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:18,416
but, like, I'd go, I guess, if you wanna.

348
00:15:18,500 --> 00:15:20,541
Yeah, if you're forcing me to, I guess.

349
00:15:20,625 --> 00:15:23,500
No, I'm not, like, forcing you,
but if you want, let's check it out.

350
00:15:23,583 --> 00:15:26,791
-All right, I'm in, 'cause you are.
-Right, same. 'Cause you are.

351
00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:30,916
Ladies, you both want some ass. Let's go.

352
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:34,333
Lemonade? Chapstick?
You might need it later.

353
00:15:34,416 --> 00:15:37,916
Dentyne Ice? Anyone?
I know you're all pretty bad at flossing.

354
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,625
Mom, Dad, get outta here.
You're ruining the vibes.

355
00:15:40,708 --> 00:15:41,750
Okay, love you.

356
00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:44,083
Enjoy your hookup culture, everybody.

357
00:15:44,166 --> 00:15:47,666
All right now,
children of the night, loosen up.

358
00:15:47,750 --> 00:15:49,041
Lick your lips.

359
00:15:49,125 --> 00:15:51,791
I don't know, Nick.
This party's nothing like the commercial.

360
00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:53,291
Yeah, what gives?

361
00:15:53,375 --> 00:15:58,083
I came here to do two things.
Eat some Pringles and get my body rocked.

362
00:15:58,166 --> 00:15:59,541
And it looks like... [chuckles]

363
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,916
...we're out of Pringles.

364
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:04,083
It's not my fault nobody's hooking up.
Just fucking kiss each other.

365
00:16:04,166 --> 00:16:07,625
I mean, loosen up, lick your lips.

366
00:16:07,708 --> 00:16:11,083
Jay, why did you invite all these people
to our hookup spot?

367
00:16:11,166 --> 00:16:13,000
Nick said I could keep the robe.

368
00:16:13,083 --> 00:16:18,000
And the silk gives me what I've taken
to calling an "infinity boner."

369
00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:21,291
Andrew, first off,
I love, love, love the robe.

370
00:16:21,375 --> 00:16:23,708
But I thought we were gonna get freaky.

371
00:16:23,791 --> 00:16:25,666
And there's all these weird people here,

372
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:27,916
and they're not even hooking up
or anything.

373
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,625
Maybe we should just call it.

374
00:16:29,708 --> 00:16:31,250
Uh, quick. You're losing her.

375
00:16:31,333 --> 00:16:32,750
Okay. Here we go.

376
00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:34,125
Halloween costumes.

377
00:16:34,208 --> 00:16:36,708
Hey, I'm Luke Skywalker.

378
00:16:36,791 --> 00:16:39,250
Wanna be my sister, who I kiss?

379
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,541
Eh, not really.

380
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,875
Yeah, I'm more into cousins anyway.

381
00:16:42,958 --> 00:16:46,583
Ugh, Rick, how am I supposed to hook up
if everyone's hiding in the corner?

382
00:16:46,666 --> 00:16:49,625
Someone needs to make out
and change that vibe, baby.

383
00:16:49,708 --> 00:16:52,916
Ooh, why don't you go flirt
with that sexy green girl?

384
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,541
You mean that old Christmas tree?

385
00:16:54,625 --> 00:16:57,291
Hey, Greeny,
what do you say we go into that closet

386
00:16:57,375 --> 00:16:59,875
and I'll show you my little lump of coal.

387
00:16:59,958 --> 00:17:01,083
[groans]

388
00:17:02,291 --> 00:17:03,125
[phone rings]

389
00:17:03,208 --> 00:17:05,500
-Hello?
-Diane, it's Barbara.

390
00:17:05,583 --> 00:17:06,541
I can't find Andrew.

391
00:17:06,625 --> 00:17:08,791
I'm assuming
he was taken by a creep to Europe,

392
00:17:08,875 --> 00:17:10,583
but I wanted to check with you first.

393
00:17:10,666 --> 00:17:12,000
Andrew's fine, Barbara.

394
00:17:12,083 --> 00:17:13,875
He's here, at our hookup house.

395
00:17:13,958 --> 00:17:14,958
-Hookup house?
-What?

396
00:17:15,041 --> 00:17:18,583
Oh, the kids from school are all
making out together upstairs in the attic.

397
00:17:18,666 --> 00:17:20,708
Andrew's at a soo-soo party?

398
00:17:20,791 --> 00:17:22,458
What's a soo-soo party?

399
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:26,250
Unmitigated depravity. Cocaine.
Squirting. Necrophilia.

400
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:27,291
I'll call you back.

401
00:17:27,375 --> 00:17:29,833
The boy's probably mounting
a corpse right now!

402
00:17:29,916 --> 00:17:30,750
Where are we going?

403
00:17:30,833 --> 00:17:33,458
-You've unleashed a monster on this town.
-Oh God.

404
00:17:33,541 --> 00:17:35,750
And now, we must kill our son.

405
00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:37,916
Can't we just cut off his hands?

406
00:17:38,750 --> 00:17:40,750
-Hey, what can I say?
-[chuckles] Oh.

407
00:17:40,833 --> 00:17:44,416
-[Missy] Oh God.
-Woof. This is very sad.

408
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:45,875
And Elijah isn't even here.

409
00:17:45,958 --> 00:17:47,583
What a fucking clit tease.

410
00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:50,583
Come on, Jessi.
Let's go hunting for Judd's dick.

411
00:17:50,666 --> 00:17:54,000
Ooh, good call. Now, where would I be
if I were Judd's dick?

412
00:17:54,083 --> 00:17:55,958
Oh, hello, Maurice.

413
00:17:56,041 --> 00:17:57,041
Hello, Constance.

414
00:17:57,125 --> 00:17:59,375
I see you're still fat with child.

415
00:17:59,458 --> 00:18:02,833
I see you're still adamantly opposed
to being a sweet mommy.

416
00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:04,291
That is correct.

417
00:18:04,375 --> 00:18:07,166
Now, if you'll excuse us,
this party sucks.

418
00:18:07,250 --> 00:18:09,625
Hot tip, Nick.
Next time you throw a sex party,

419
00:18:09,708 --> 00:18:11,333
be sure to include the sex.

420
00:18:11,416 --> 00:18:13,416
And the party, if I am being honest.

421
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,125
Yeah, I thought by 8:30,

422
00:18:15,208 --> 00:18:17,333
I'd be tongue-deep
in someone else's throat.

423
00:18:17,416 --> 00:18:18,541
Well, that's curious

424
00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:23,333
because my throat has been searching
for a tongue all evening long.

425
00:18:23,416 --> 00:18:25,250
Should I go for Lola?

426
00:18:25,333 --> 00:18:27,541
Yeah, man, she seems down to brown.

427
00:18:27,625 --> 00:18:30,958
And if I kiss her
then maybe it'll get the party started.

428
00:18:31,041 --> 00:18:32,625
And then everyone will start kissing.

429
00:18:32,708 --> 00:18:34,583
And then everyone will start kissing me.

430
00:18:34,666 --> 00:18:38,791
And then, maybe
they'll hold a PTA meeting about you.

431
00:18:38,875 --> 00:18:40,125
Yeah, that's the dream.

432
00:18:40,208 --> 00:18:44,541
Okay, Bernie. This one you'll like
'cause I know you're a Richard Gere-head.

433
00:18:44,625 --> 00:18:47,125
Yeah, uh, doy.
I wanna eat his silver hair.

434
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:51,208
So it's safe to assume you're familiar
with the film Pretty Woman?

435
00:18:51,291 --> 00:18:54,166
-Whoa, mama.
-Jumping Julia Roberts.

436
00:18:54,250 --> 00:18:56,833
That was Diane's Halloween costume
when you were six.

437
00:18:56,916 --> 00:19:01,875
I wouldn't mind seeing your plumpy rumpy
in that hot little sex worker's uniform.

438
00:19:01,958 --> 00:19:02,916
Really?

439
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,416
Maury, this is crazy, right?

440
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:06,666
I mean, and I don't know
if I have the body for this.

441
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:09,250
Come on, give the lady what she wants,

442
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:13,250
a pear-shaped boy
in a Lycra dress with cutouts.

443
00:19:13,333 --> 00:19:14,750
[growls sexily]

444
00:19:14,833 --> 00:19:17,791
Whew, okay. So I knock on Judd's door,
and then what?

445
00:19:17,875 --> 00:19:20,791
You say,
"Sorry, I thought this was the kitchen."

446
00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:24,583
"But while I'm here,
might I snack on that ass?"

447
00:19:24,666 --> 00:19:27,125
Holy shit, Connie, my heart is racing.

448
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:31,000
Me too. I can't believe
we're about to eat ass for the first time.

449
00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:32,458
Um, hello?

450
00:19:32,541 --> 00:19:34,791
-Oh.
-Oh shit.

451
00:19:34,875 --> 00:19:37,041
-[Judd] Cass, who is it?
-Some little girl.

452
00:19:37,125 --> 00:19:38,666
-Are you okay, honey?
-Uh...

453
00:19:38,750 --> 00:19:40,625
Do you know your mommy's phone number?

454
00:19:40,708 --> 00:19:42,333
Connie, I'm gonna cry.

455
00:19:42,416 --> 00:19:44,375
Oh, hey, Nick's friend, Jessi.

456
00:19:44,458 --> 00:19:47,000
Oh my God, is this Klepto Baby?

457
00:19:47,083 --> 00:19:48,583
Yeah. What do you need, kid?

458
00:19:48,666 --> 00:19:52,208
[chuckles]
I was just looking for, um... for Nick.

459
00:19:52,291 --> 00:19:53,708
So sorry. [chuckles]

460
00:19:53,791 --> 00:19:55,791
I gotta go. What the fuck?

461
00:19:55,875 --> 00:19:59,125
[Connie] Oh shit, Klepto Baby,
you're pissing your diaper.

462
00:19:59,208 --> 00:20:00,458
Jesus.

463
00:20:00,541 --> 00:20:03,833
I knew this was a bad idea, Connie.
Connie?

464
00:20:03,916 --> 00:20:09,541
Oh no. I made a brown bubble bath
in my dirty diapey doo-doo.

465
00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:11,541
[crying]

466
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:16,250
Nick, baby,
smooch down on that sexy sheepdog.

467
00:20:16,333 --> 00:20:18,375
So, uh, Lola...

468
00:20:18,458 --> 00:20:22,083
Enough chit-chat, Birch.
Let's fucking suck face.

469
00:20:22,875 --> 00:20:25,083
[laughing]

470
00:20:25,166 --> 00:20:27,791
Devon, Lola's winning. Come here.

471
00:20:30,166 --> 00:20:32,375
I guess everyone's doing it?

472
00:20:32,458 --> 00:20:33,666
[giggles]

473
00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:35,583
That salt and pepper tickles.

474
00:20:35,666 --> 00:20:38,750
I'm going to sink my canines
into your fleshy arm.

475
00:20:38,833 --> 00:20:43,166
So, should we get each other hard
on a pile of Nick's old baby clothes?

476
00:20:43,250 --> 00:20:45,708
Ugh, sure. I guess I'll just close my eyes

477
00:20:45,791 --> 00:20:49,250
and pretend we're not surrounded
by humping children.

478
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:52,625
Aw, Nick's baby shoes are adorable.

479
00:20:52,708 --> 00:20:54,666
Too bad they're filled with rat turds.

480
00:20:54,750 --> 00:20:56,291
Eh, fuck it, I'll take them anyway.

481
00:20:56,375 --> 00:20:57,500
[doorbell rings]

482
00:20:57,583 --> 00:20:59,000
Oh, look, it's the Gloubermans.

483
00:20:59,083 --> 00:21:00,833
Out of the way, Dr. Sicko.

484
00:21:00,916 --> 00:21:04,166
If our kids are making out,
it should be in secrecy and in shame.

485
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:05,416
Marty, wait.

486
00:21:05,500 --> 00:21:06,875
[moaning]

487
00:21:09,458 --> 00:21:10,625
It's all happening, Rick.

488
00:21:10,708 --> 00:21:14,000
The hookup house,
it's just like the dream, kind of.

489
00:21:14,083 --> 00:21:14,958
[crying]

490
00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:17,375
Oh shit, Lola. Are you crying under there?

491
00:21:17,458 --> 00:21:18,750
I'm sorry, Nick.

492
00:21:18,833 --> 00:21:21,375
I really wanted to french someone,

493
00:21:21,458 --> 00:21:24,750
just not a big-head loser like you.

494
00:21:24,833 --> 00:21:25,666
I'm sorry, what?

495
00:21:25,750 --> 00:21:27,583
I wanted a rebound hookup,

496
00:21:27,666 --> 00:21:30,208
but I could do so much better.

497
00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:31,916
-You know that, right?
-Uh...

498
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:34,208
I need you to say it, Nick.
I could do better.

499
00:21:34,291 --> 00:21:37,666
-Uh, you could do better?
-No, that feels hollow.

500
00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,791
Goddamn soo-soo... [grunts]

501
00:21:39,875 --> 00:21:40,833
You open that door now.

502
00:21:40,916 --> 00:21:43,291
I'm sorry,
but I can't let you go up there, Marty.

503
00:21:43,375 --> 00:21:46,000
Please, just let us take our pervert
and go home.

504
00:21:46,083 --> 00:21:47,000
That's it, Birch.

505
00:21:47,083 --> 00:21:48,708
Your penis or your door?

506
00:21:48,791 --> 00:21:52,333
I'm not sure what you're talking about,
but the answer is... my penis.

507
00:21:52,416 --> 00:21:54,833
That goddamn door is coming down.

508
00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:58,958
-["Pretty Woman" playing]
-Okay, get your checkbook out, Mr. Gere,

509
00:21:59,041 --> 00:22:02,666
because this pretty woman
needs some new clothes.

510
00:22:02,750 --> 00:22:05,958
-All right. Where's my disgusting son?
-Oh my God.

511
00:22:06,041 --> 00:22:07,958
Oh shit. My mommy and daddy are here.

512
00:22:08,041 --> 00:22:11,208
That's it. I'm finishing the mohel's job.
Get your...

513
00:22:11,291 --> 00:22:12,375
Marty, no.

514
00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:14,625
Run, you hot little cupcake.

515
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:17,208
[farting]

516
00:22:17,291 --> 00:22:19,541
-Oh, my baby.
-[Andrew grunting, groaning]

517
00:22:19,625 --> 00:22:20,458
[Barbara] Oh, Andrew.

518
00:22:20,541 --> 00:22:22,833
Is that my Pretty Woman costume?

519
00:22:22,916 --> 00:22:25,583
Oh, sweetie,
you make a beautiful sex worker.

520
00:22:25,666 --> 00:22:27,250
Thank you, Dr. Birch. [farts]

521
00:22:27,333 --> 00:22:30,416
-Now, can we please go to your house?
-["Pretty Woman" continues]

522
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:32,916
Yes. Yes, we can.

523
00:22:33,000 --> 00:22:33,916
♪ Pretty woman ♪

524
00:22:35,083 --> 00:22:40,666
Well, well, well, look who accepted
my follow request. Little Mel Gibson.

525
00:22:40,750 --> 00:22:43,708
Let's see where that no-show fuck machine
was tonight.

526
00:22:43,791 --> 00:22:45,041
{\an8}Wait a minute.

527
00:22:45,125 --> 00:22:47,083
-He was at church?
-Church?

528
00:22:47,166 --> 00:22:49,875
Wow, he's really religious.

529
00:22:49,958 --> 00:22:50,916
That's...

530
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:55,750
Really fucking hot, baby.
He's forbidden fruit.

531
00:22:55,833 --> 00:22:59,291
I know. I feel like Fleabag
going after the hot priest.

532
00:22:59,375 --> 00:23:02,791
[both] ♪ Elijah! ♪

533
00:23:04,125 --> 00:23:07,625
Okay. Before we go in,
you have a leaf in your hair.

534
00:23:07,708 --> 00:23:09,166
And a feather. And a rock.

535
00:23:09,250 --> 00:23:11,291
I know. A bird is building a nest there.

536
00:23:11,375 --> 00:23:13,500
Don't worry, Matt, they're gonna love him,

537
00:23:13,583 --> 00:23:15,625
unless they're still super Christian.

538
00:23:16,291 --> 00:23:19,125
-Uh, hey, guys, you remember Jay?
-Hello.

539
00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,541
Of course. The magic man, right?

540
00:23:21,625 --> 00:23:23,500
Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Matthew,

541
00:23:23,583 --> 00:23:26,458
your family looks like
a commercial for happiness.

542
00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:29,791
Why, thank you, Jay.
You're such a sweet boy.

543
00:23:29,875 --> 00:23:33,625
Actually, guys, Jay is more than a boy.
He's my...

544
00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:35,375
Yes?

545
00:23:35,458 --> 00:23:36,583
He's my boyfriend.

546
00:23:37,250 --> 00:23:38,250
Oh. [chuckles]

547
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:41,125
Well, that's great. [chuckles]

548
00:23:41,208 --> 00:23:42,458
I'm fine. [chuckles]

549
00:23:42,541 --> 00:23:44,958
Okay. Take it easy, Kimberly.

550
00:23:45,041 --> 00:23:47,875
I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing.
[laughs]

551
00:23:47,958 --> 00:23:50,375
I guess I'm just so super fine
with everything.

552
00:23:50,458 --> 00:23:54,166
Uh, Matthew, your mother and I
have been watching Will and Grace.

553
00:23:54,250 --> 00:23:56,708
Kimberly, this reminds me
of when Will dated

554
00:23:56,791 --> 00:23:58,041
that nice police officer.

555
00:23:58,125 --> 00:24:01,708
Oh yeah, Will and Grace.
They're so funny. I love Karen.

556
00:24:01,791 --> 00:24:04,375
-Okay.
-You're like a police officer, Jay.

557
00:24:04,458 --> 00:24:08,666
Well, I promise to protect and serve
all of your son's holes.

558
00:24:08,750 --> 00:24:11,958
Ice cream.
Hey, somebody want some ice cream?

559
00:24:12,041 --> 00:24:16,791
I'll get some ice cream
for my son and his boyfriend. [laughs]

560
00:24:16,875 --> 00:24:18,041
I'm fine. [laughs]

561
00:24:18,125 --> 00:24:21,541
I personally think that went
about as well as it could have.

562
00:24:21,625 --> 00:24:22,625
I think you're right.

563
00:24:22,708 --> 00:24:25,250
You know, boys, I would kiss Taye Diggs.

564
00:24:25,333 --> 00:24:27,083
Sir, I would watch that.

565
00:24:27,166 --> 00:24:29,666
Oh, that was humiliating and a disaster,

566
00:24:29,750 --> 00:24:32,500
but it still counts as a hookup,
right, Duke?

567
00:24:32,583 --> 00:24:34,375
Nick, when are you gonna learn?

568
00:24:34,458 --> 00:24:37,625
It's not the amount of people
you hook up with that makes you a man.

569
00:24:37,708 --> 00:24:41,791
♪ It's how much steak you can eat
In one sitting ♪

570
00:24:41,875 --> 00:24:44,208
-[laughs]
-Hey, Nick, bad news, man.

571
00:24:44,291 --> 00:24:47,458
Turns out Greeny's a racist
and an anti-Semite.

572
00:24:47,541 --> 00:24:50,250
I only knew her
from her previous work as a tree.

573
00:24:50,333 --> 00:24:51,500
[phone buzzing]

574
00:24:52,875 --> 00:24:54,833
-Oh, hey, Bernie.
-Hey, Andrew.

575
00:24:54,916 --> 00:24:58,666
Did you see it when I fell down
a flight of stairs, farting all the way?

576
00:24:58,750 --> 00:25:01,083
Yeah, someone held up the iPad
so I could see.

577
00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,958
And I guess
now you want nothing to do with me?

578
00:25:04,041 --> 00:25:08,041
Oh, please. If I had a dime
for every time I tumble-tooted,

579
00:25:08,125 --> 00:25:10,458
I'd be able to cancel
everyone's student debt.

580
00:25:10,541 --> 00:25:14,625
Andrew, this girl seems to like you
for who you really are.

581
00:25:14,708 --> 00:25:16,541
I know. This is unprecedented.

582
00:25:16,625 --> 00:25:21,583
Hey, Bernie, do you think maybe
you might wanna be my girlfriend?

583
00:25:21,666 --> 00:25:24,500
Uh, do I fart
every time I pull up my socks?

584
00:25:24,583 --> 00:25:25,500
God, I hope so.

585
00:25:25,583 --> 00:25:27,583
I do, Andrew. Every time.

586
00:25:27,666 --> 00:25:28,666
-[chuckles]
-Oh.

587
00:25:28,750 --> 00:25:30,083
This is nice.

588
00:25:30,166 --> 00:25:32,583
Ooh, ooh. The baby, it's jerking off.

589
00:25:32,666 --> 00:25:34,666
Andrew, put your hand on my belly.

590
00:25:35,166 --> 00:25:36,458
You know what? Never mind.

591
00:25:36,541 --> 00:25:38,666
Oh, you finished, didn't you?

592
00:25:38,750 --> 00:25:41,458
I guess we both need a cigarette now.

593
00:25:41,541 --> 00:25:43,583
♪ Welcome to my parents' house ♪

594
00:25:43,666 --> 00:25:45,500
♪ Welcome to my parents' house ♪

595
00:25:45,583 --> 00:25:47,833
♪ My mom left out some snackies ♪

596
00:25:49,416 --> 00:25:51,791
♪ I bet you're feeling horny now ♪

597
00:25:51,875 --> 00:25:53,250
♪ Bet you're feeling horny now ♪

598
00:25:53,333 --> 00:25:55,625
♪ So why don't we get nasty? ♪

599
00:25:55,708 --> 00:25:58,791
♪ Nasty, nasty, yeah ♪

600
00:26:02,875 --> 00:26:04,666
♪ Hush now, baby ♪

601
00:26:05,833 --> 00:26:08,000
♪ You seem like a keeper ♪

602
00:26:10,500 --> 00:26:13,166
♪ But your high heels are so loud ♪

603
00:26:13,958 --> 00:26:16,041
♪ My dad is a light sleeper ♪

604
00:26:16,125 --> 00:26:17,583
♪ Parents' house ♪

605
00:26:20,166 --> 00:26:21,500
♪ Parents' house ♪

606
00:26:24,208 --> 00:26:25,625
♪ Parents' house ♪