1
00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:03,076
There's no escaping it.

2
00:00:04,296 --> 00:00:05,332
The problem...

3
00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:08,081
is me.

4
00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,666
And now...

5
00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:12,335
I have to leave you.

6
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,678
- Forever.
- Michael...

7
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:17,428
You can't be the problem.

8
00:00:17,809 --> 00:00:18,845
Oh, but I am.

9
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,519
You see, architects aren't supposed to live

10
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:23,684
in the Neighbourhoods they design.

11
00:00:24,233 --> 00:00:27,567
But I love humans so I wanted to try.

12
00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:32,148
I took something great and I ruined it
a little so I could enjoy it more.

13
00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,448
I "frozen-yoghurted" the Neighbourhood.

14
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:39,245
My meddling is the one true constant
in all of our disasters.

15
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:45,753
I tried to force Jianyu into opening up,
which caused a sinkhole to open up.

16
00:00:46,505 --> 00:00:50,966
I kicked a puppy into the sun,
and garbage rained down.

17
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,802
I grossly underestimated
the number of shrimp needed

18
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:55,968
for the opening night party

19
00:00:56,348 --> 00:01:01,093
and what flew through the sky the next day,
taunting me for my failures?

20
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,720
I'm sorry, everyone, I'm truly sorry.

21
00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:05,563
Janet?

22
00:01:05,649 --> 00:01:08,938
Please call a train to escort me
into retirement.

23
00:01:09,486 --> 00:01:12,024
You see, the only way in
and out of a Neighbourhood

24
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:16,199
is by train and Janet is the only one
who can operate them.

25
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:20,487
Oh, my dear Janet.
Will you be okay after I leave?

26
00:01:20,831 --> 00:01:24,245
Yes. This will not affect me in any way.

27
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,159
Geez, show some compassion!

28
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:31,924
Well, I can't feel "sad" but here's my best
approximation of human crying.

29
00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,968
Bah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

30
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:38,216
ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah!

31
00:01:42,185 --> 00:01:45,394
Oh, Janet. That was beautiful.
- Yeah.

32
00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:55,814
What did you say to him?
Did you make him do this, somehow?

33
00:01:55,991 --> 00:01:58,483
Nope! This was entirely his idea.

34
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:00,443
Dude, this is good news.

35
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:04,205
Michael's gonna get a chill retirement
which, frankly, he desperately needs

36
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:06,120
and I can finally relax.

37
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,959
It's forking perfect!
- No, it's terrible.

38
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,458
Michael's wrong, he's not the problem.

39
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:13,414
Well, Michael did bring me here

40
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,091
which was the mistake
that led to all the other problems

41
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:20,046
so in that sense he is the real problem.

42
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,382
Ha! How do you like them ethics?

43
00:02:22,601 --> 00:02:24,888
I just "ethics-ed" you in the face, Chidi!

44
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:27,220
It doesn't change the fact
that we weren't truthful.

45
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:32,688
There's an old Chinese proverb
"Lies are like tigers, they are bad."

46
00:02:33,278 --> 00:02:35,235
That's it?
- It's more poetic in Mandarin.

47
00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:37,981
Look. Michael is retiring.

48
00:02:38,116 --> 00:02:42,076
He's gonna be on an angel boat somewhere
smoking moonbeam cigars.

49
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,572
Now, Tahani is throwing him
a goodbye party. Let's go help out.

50
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:49,246
Sure, that will more than make up
for the pain and misery and lying.

51
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:50,827
Yes! Now you're getting it!

52
00:02:53,465 --> 00:02:57,880
Hey, Chidi! Just read your article
on logical positivism, so dry.

53
00:02:57,969 --> 00:02:59,130
Oh, thanks, Henry.

54
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,254
Whoa. New boots?

55
00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:02,384
Oh! Yeah!

56
00:03:02,766 --> 00:03:05,930
Just got 'em. Saw them in the store
and I was just like, "Whoa!"

57
00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,390
And tell the truth. Do you like them?

58
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:10,058
Oh.

59
00:03:11,775 --> 00:03:13,391
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah? You think so?

60
00:03:13,485 --> 00:03:14,765
They're... they are really cool.

61
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:16,061
Not too red?
- No.

62
00:03:16,154 --> 00:03:17,315
Crystals are not too much.

63
00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,550
Crystals are not too much.
- They point just right, right?

64
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:21,031
Just... just enough.
- Just fine. Ha!

65
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:24,180
Well, that makes me feel so much better.
'cause I was really going back and forth

66
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,682
over whether they were worth the money.

67
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,746
They were super expensive.

68
00:03:27,290 --> 00:03:29,452
Yeah. Well, they're, uh... amazing.

69
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:32,026
I mean those are the coolest boots
I've ever seen in my life.

70
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:34,670
Thanks so much, buddy.
- Bye.

71
00:03:37,342 --> 00:03:40,255
My god. What have I done.

72
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,297
Tonight needs to be the perfect blend

73
00:03:44,391 --> 00:03:46,678
of celebratory, reverential

74
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:50,057
bittersweet, upbeat, fun, and effortless.

75
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,890
This is hashtag "Tahani Time"!

76
00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:55,812
What is all this?

77
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:59,566
Oh, no! Michael, you're not supposed
to see it until it's all set up.

78
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,397
But, well...

79
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,904
Welcome to your retirement party!

80
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:07,199
Look over there. I've even set up a buffet
of themed desserts, like

81
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:10,574
retire-mint chocolate cake...
or a "Flan Voyage!"

82
00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:11,999
Oh, boy.
- Oh...

83
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,249
And here we have a piñata shaped like you,
which is always fun.

84
00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:18,297
By the way, what's your favourite colour,
for the tablecloths?

85
00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:23,003
Well, it's not perceptible by human eyes.
It's called "Pleurigloss."

86
00:04:23,346 --> 00:04:24,678
Could you describe it?

87
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,714
It's the colour of...

88
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:31,470
when a soldier comes home from war
and sees his dog for the first time.

89
00:04:31,813 --> 00:04:33,725
Hmm. How about blue?

90
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:36,808
Tahani, I'm so sorry.
We need to cancel this party, immediately.

91
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:38,313
But why?

92
00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:44,069
For a being like me, "retirement"
is not something "fun."

93
00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:46,776
What is "retirement," for you, exactly?

94
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,328
Well, I wasn't going to share this,
so as not to upset you

95
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:52,953
but it's an extreme form of punishment.

96
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,668
We call it "The Eternal Shriek."

97
00:04:56,087 --> 00:04:57,669
My soul will be disintegrated

98
00:04:58,006 --> 00:05:01,795
and each molecule be placed on the surface
of a different burning sun.

99
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,547
And then my...

100
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,589
my "essence" will be scooped out of my body
with a flaming ladle,

101
00:05:07,682 --> 00:05:09,344
and poured over hot diamonds.

102
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,394
Oh, but, the diamonds sound lovely.
- They're not.

103
00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:13,519
And then what's left of my body

104
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,560
will be endlessly beaten
with a titanium rod, like a...

105
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,728
Like a piñata.
- Yes.

106
00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,903
Except you have the string
around my waist

107
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:24,822
but instead it will definitely
be around my genitals.

108
00:05:25,116 --> 00:05:26,527
What?
- Oh, Michael...

109
00:05:26,576 --> 00:05:29,910
I'm so sorry.
I was just trying to honour you.

110
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,953
Please allow me to reconceive the event.

111
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,076
Of course.

112
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:36,538
All right, everyone!
We're starting over!

113
00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:39,040
The keyword for tonight is just "sombre."

114
00:05:39,297 --> 00:05:41,400
Jianyu, my love, we're gonna have to
get rid of all the party poppers

115
00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:42,505
immediately.

116
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:44,083
No. No. Not by using them!

117
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,794
No, Jianyu. Stop it. Darling.

118
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:51,007
He's gonna be tortured? Dang it.

119
00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:54,056
I was almost handed a perfect solution
to all my problems

120
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:56,979
without having to work for it at all,
and now it's gone.

121
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,102
Why do bad things always happen

122
00:05:59,276 --> 00:06:01,893
to mediocre people
who are lying about their identities?

123
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:05,731
Okay, you have two options.
You can confess, and save Michael.

124
00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:10,285
Or you can continue to lie and condemn him
to an eternity of unimaginable pain.

125
00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:13,491
Or option "C", continue to lie about myself

126
00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,497
and find a way to save Michael.

127
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:18,493
Can we somehow throw Tahani under the bus?

128
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,671
That would be a classic two birds
with one stone scenario.

129
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:24,256
Plus I'll get her house. Three birds.

130
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,255
No. There's no way to stop this
except confessing.

131
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:31,051
Any moment now Michael is going to get on
that train and we will never see him again.

132
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:32,885
Just like Professor Lindeman

133
00:06:33,143 --> 00:06:36,181
after I asked him to re-read
my thirty-six hundred-page manuscript.

134
00:06:36,980 --> 00:06:38,457
He said he was going out for cigarettes

135
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,939
but then he just left his tenured position
at the Sorbonne.

136
00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,396
Great story. Janet?

137
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:44,522
Hi there!

138
00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,777
Hi. So, the only way out
of the Neighbourhood is a train?

139
00:06:47,866 --> 00:06:50,609
That's correct.
I am the only one who can call the train

140
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,110
and it needs me to operate.

141
00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:53,740
Choo-choo!

142
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:56,525
One more question and, um...
this is a little weird, but...

143
00:06:56,875 --> 00:07:00,164
can we, uh... shut you down?

144
00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:01,373
Yes. Great question.

145
00:07:01,588 --> 00:07:04,251
There is a kill switch in a remote sector
of the Neighbourhood

146
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,505
in the event that I malfunction
and attempt to harm the residents.

147
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,003
If you press it, I will be destroyed.

148
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:13,180
Anything else?
- No, that's good. Thanks.

149
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,634
Okay.
- Whoa. Wait. You want to kill Janet?

150
00:07:16,728 --> 00:07:18,811
Michael can't retire if he can't leave.

151
00:07:18,897 --> 00:07:22,015
He can't leave if there's no Janet
to run the train.

152
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:24,275
It's a perfect solution.

153
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:27,603
Janet, high-five please?

154
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:28,737
Thanks, babe.

155
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,360
You cannot kill Janet!

156
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:36,154
"Killing" is one of the most famous...

157
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,910
moral no-nos.

158
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,868
Janet is a non-human object
who was sent here to help us.

159
00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:44,420
And the way she can help us
is if we kill her.

160
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:48,090
We're doing one, small, "murder-y"
thing for a bigger, better reason.

161
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:50,588
The ends justify the means.

162
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,633
Do you know who said that?
- Was it someone nice and great

163
00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:54,759
like Oprah?

164
00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,684
It was Machiavelli,
a very non-Oprah-like figure.

165
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:01,429
And what happens after we kill her?
We'll have to lie

166
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:04,144
to everyone, about what we did.

167
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:07,477
And lying is always wrong.

168
00:08:11,908 --> 00:08:14,651
Why? Why would I tell Henry
that I liked his boots?

169
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,610
I don't like his boots. I hate his boots.

170
00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,448
Yes, I know, you've talked about it
for the last two days.

171
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:20,747
I lied to him.

172
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,728
You wrote your thesis on Kant.

173
00:08:22,752 --> 00:08:26,291
He believed that lying is always
morally wrong, no exceptions.

174
00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:31,505
Yes, well, Kant was a lonely obsessive hermit
with zero friends.

175
00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,426
Sometimes we do things just to be polite.

176
00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:35,658
If you really feel that strongly about it

177
00:08:35,682 --> 00:08:36,718
Tell him the truth.

178
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:40,385
Also, I don't care,
because it's the middle of the night.

179
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:46,349
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.

180
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:48,855
They do?

181
00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,693
Hey, Chidi. Sit in on my class today?
- Uh, I... I did, yeah.

182
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:57,493
Great lecture, by the way, so bleak.
- Thanks, bud!

183
00:08:57,579 --> 00:09:00,993
Oh, it's actually perfect that you are here.
I got something for you.

184
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,954
Oh, my God!
- You loved mine so much

185
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,536
I decided to get you your own pair.

186
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,371
We can be boot brothers!

187
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,673
Wow. I... I can't accept these.
They're too expensive.

188
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,458
Sure you can.
Try 'em on, mate.

189
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,043
The fact that you liked mine so much

190
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,595
really made me fee like I made
the right choice to buy them.

191
00:09:16,848 --> 00:09:20,637
After all, why should I have all the fun
and boots, aye?

192
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:21,850
I... I... I don't know.

193
00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:24,978
Those look great.

194
00:09:25,982 --> 00:09:26,982
Take 'em for a spin.

195
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:30,150
You're flying.

196
00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:31,818
Thanks!

197
00:09:33,239 --> 00:09:36,198
Speeches! Time for speeches, everyone!

198
00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,320
Michael?

199
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:39,402
Hmm?
- As someone who didn't exactly have

200
00:09:39,621 --> 00:09:41,078
the steadiest parental guidance

201
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,745
I just want to thank you.
You were always there for us.

202
00:09:44,834 --> 00:09:47,747
I shouldn't have been, that was the problem.

203
00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:52,374
Yes, but, it was also great
when you weren't there.

204
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:55,133
Don't worry, soon I won't be, forever.

205
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,552
Because of the Eternal Shriek!

206
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,132
Yes, thank you Glenn.

207
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,681
Look, what I'm trying to say is this -

208
00:10:00,975 --> 00:10:03,843
Michael, you always kept us warm and safe

209
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,641
like a bright glowing sun.

210
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,227
Like the one I kicked the dog into

211
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:13,356
or the one I'm going to be burned
on the surface of for eternity?

212
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,860
Okay, no more speeches!
Speeches are over!

213
00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:18,361
Michael's going to talk now.

214
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:22,703
Oh, I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just...

215
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:28,167
I'm sad that I have to leave before
doing all the human things

216
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:29,414
that I wanted to do.

217
00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,834
I wanted to get my hair wet.
You know, I...

218
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:37,839
I wanted to pull a hamstring,
to learn the difference between

219
00:10:37,929 --> 00:10:39,921
"toward" and "towards".

220
00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,844
I wanted to do that thing
where you walk down the hallway

221
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:47,520
and someone else is walking the other way,
and then you both lean to one side

222
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:52,100
and then the other, and then you both
chuckle over your shared foible.

223
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:54,685
I wanted to get a rewards card

224
00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:56,148
any rewards card.

225
00:10:57,365 --> 00:11:00,699
I... I wanted to talk briefly to someone,
and then say

226
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,326
"Take it sleazy."

227
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,996
I wanted to eat a saltine.

228
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:09,958
Oh, I actually have some saltines!
Here, try this.

229
00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:17,795
Pretty dry...

230
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:19,964
and too salty.

231
00:11:20,805 --> 00:11:23,513
Well, going out on a real low note, here.

232
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:25,177
Okay, bye, everyone.

233
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,051
Well, take it sleazy!

234
00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:29,061
You got to say it?

235
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,180
Yes, but then you say it back.

236
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,895
No, it's not organic.

237
00:11:38,781 --> 00:11:41,489
Janet, how many "Janets" have there been?

238
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:44,159
There have been twenty-five generations
of Janet.

239
00:11:44,412 --> 00:11:48,406
Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom
and social abilities.

240
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,750
Fun fact, the first Janet had a click wheel.

241
00:11:52,003 --> 00:11:54,211
So, it's like aging, for a human.

242
00:11:54,380 --> 00:11:55,666
You're... you're growing up.

243
00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:57,607
That's how I like to think of it, Chidi.

244
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:01,048
I can't eat,
so every time there's a new version of Janet

245
00:12:01,179 --> 00:12:02,841
I like to take a piece of birthday cake

246
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,176
and smash it around where my mouth is.

247
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:11,478
Janet has... has learned and grown,
she's essentially living a life.

248
00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:14,352
We can't kill her.
- Not with that attitude we can't.

249
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:19,149
Listen man, I'm dead, you're dead,
we all died, and now we're killing her.

250
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:20,900
Pay it forward!

251
00:12:21,032 --> 00:12:23,274
Uh, no... that's not what that means,
at all. Eleanor!

252
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:25,822
Here we are!

253
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:29,330
Just press that button,
and it's "Goodbye, Janet!"

254
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:34,581
Chidi, I can see that you're worried
and I just want to assure you

255
00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,630
I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

256
00:12:38,007 --> 00:12:39,214
Thank you. That helps.

257
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:43,169
However, I should warn you
I am programmed with a fail-safe measure.

258
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:46,964
As you approach the kill switch,
I will begin to beg for my life.

259
00:12:47,392 --> 00:12:51,807
It's just there in case of an accidental
shut down, but it will seem very real.

260
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,479
Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

261
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:55,681
Oh, uh, I...

262
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:59,018
I think I have to.
Being a bystander seems worse, somehow.

263
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,313
Okay, here we go.

264
00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:05,525
Chidi, no, no, no.
Chidi, please, please

265
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,280
please don't hurt me.
I don't want to die!

266
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:08,650
Please, please...

267
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:12,703
Again, I am not human.
I can't die.

268
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:18,375
I am simply an anthropomorphised vessel
of knowledge built to make your life easier.

269
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:23,676
Your pleading seems so real!
- Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

270
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:27,342
Ugh. You want a robot killed right
you have to do it yourself.

271
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:30,327
Eleanor, Eleanor, no, no, no,
please, wait, wait, wait

272
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:31,432
Eleanor, I have kids.

273
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:37,064
I have three beautiful children
Tyler, Emma, and little, tiny, baby Phillip.

274
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,830
Look at Tyler, Tyler has asthma,
but he is battling it like a champ!

275
00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:42,020
Look at him. No, Eleanor, look at them.

276
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:43,771
Look at them!

277
00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,072
Look at them!

278
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,150
Ah! It's so realistic!
- Eleanor, again, I am not human.

279
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,403
This is a stock photo of the crowd

280
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,704
at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards.

281
00:13:52,790 --> 00:13:53,951
That's right.

282
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:56,625
It's not real. Let's just do this.
- Right.

283
00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:58,147
Please, I have so much to live for!
No, no, no!

284
00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,733
What? We're... we're not even near the...
- Hey guys, what's going on?

285
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:04,296
That party was lame, so I bailed.
Then I saw you, so I followed you here.

286
00:14:05,053 --> 00:14:06,965
Oh, look, a button!
- No, don't no!

287
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,091
No, don't.

288
00:14:17,648 --> 00:14:19,685
Aw, man!
I wanted to push that button!

289
00:14:20,068 --> 00:14:21,479
Not cool, dude.

290
00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,110
Whoa, what happened to Janet?

291
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:26,943
She's... she's dead. I... I... I killed her.

292
00:14:27,033 --> 00:14:30,197
Not killed. Remember,
Janet was not a living being

293
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,697
so she can't be killed.

294
00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,371
<i>A tten tion. I ha ve been murdere d.</i>

295
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,033
<i>A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.</i>

296
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,744
<i>A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.</i>

297
00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:42,879
<i>A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.</i>

298
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:45,382
What do we do, Eleanor?

299
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,715
What do we do?
Chidi, you just murdered Janet!

300
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:52,047
We have to flee your crime scene. Run!

301
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:56,097
Sorry, Janet.

302
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,267
<i>A tten tion, I ha ve been murdere d.</i>

303
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,817
Okay, dude, crash course in getting away
with bad stuff.

304
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:10,365
You have to act calm and cool,
like you don't have a care in the world.

305
00:15:10,451 --> 00:15:11,942
Mm-hmm.
- Okay? Great.

306
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,072
Oh, wow, look, its "Weekend at Bernie's"

307
00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,244
Use you're a dead guy in sunglasses.

308
00:15:18,376 --> 00:15:20,538
We have fun, don't we, Chidi?

309
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:22,940
I have never been more stressed
out in my entire life.

310
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:26,298
I know what you need.
- Janet, can you get Chidi some weed?

311
00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,344
Oh, that's right, you killed Janet!

312
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:34,048
Search-party!
Follow me to the site of the alarm.

313
00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:39,266
We will not rest until we avenge
the brutal murder of our trusted sister!

314
00:15:39,355 --> 00:15:41,267
Yeah!

315
00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,523
Yay.

316
00:15:53,369 --> 00:15:56,703
Poor Janet.
We must give her a proper send-off.

317
00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:59,832
I would be honoured to help plan
Janet's funeral.

318
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:04,541
Oh, Tahani, are you sure?
I don't mean to add insult to injury

319
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:08,920
but my retirement party
was a tiny bit gauche.

320
00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:11,134
Oh, no! Not the "G" word.

321
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:14,346
Oh, Michael, please,
please give me another chance.

322
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,558
It'll be the classiest event
I have ever planned.

323
00:16:17,727 --> 00:16:19,138
Janet's funeral is going to make

324
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:22,517
the Guggenheim Foundation Pancreatic
Cancer Summer Classic 2009

325
00:16:23,149 --> 00:16:26,608
look like the Guggenheim Foundation
Pancreatic Cancer Summer Classic 2004!

326
00:16:27,570 --> 00:16:28,606
All right.

327
00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:34,365
Just breathe in.

328
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:36,114
Breathe out.

329
00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,820
Think of your favourite things.

330
00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,823
Ethics. Reading.

331
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,618
Drinking milk, after I take
my lactose intolerance medication.

332
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,878
Quiet movies. Fitted bedsheets.

333
00:16:47,298 --> 00:16:49,381
Cool seeds. A new bookmark.

334
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,297
Unsalted almonds...
- Those are your favourite things?

335
00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:56,179
This is too much for me.
I can't maintain this fiction.

336
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,305
This is just too much for me, Eleanor.

337
00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,511
Well, Janet's been murdered.

338
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,602
That's a nice capper to this wonderful day.

339
00:17:06,234 --> 00:17:08,521
I don't really know what happens now,
because...

340
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,519
Janet has never been murdered before

341
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:16,280
only today, here, on my watch,
while I was distracted with a party that...

342
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,910
Tahani was throwing for me,
which I didn't want.

343
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,908
Michael, you mustn't blame yourself.

344
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,531
I'm not. I'm blaming you.

345
00:17:22,917 --> 00:17:26,581
Anyway, what is there to say about
Janet that hasn't already been said

346
00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:31,837
by the giant Janet alarm in the sky?
"I've been murdered."

347
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:35,377
- I think that says it all.
- Hello!

348
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,344
Janet! You're alive!

349
00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:41,807
Hello! Architect,

350
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:44,845
Please enter your four-digit pin.

351
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:47,807
Uh, what is it...
um, what is it...

352
00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:50,689
Oh right, right, right.
It's my, uh, my birth year.

353
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,150
Oh boy, I gotta change that.
That's too easy to guess.

354
00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:58,905
Janet, who murdered you?

355
00:17:58,995 --> 00:18:00,515
- Oh, no.
- Shh...

356
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,495
Hello!
- Yes, hello.

357
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:07,376
Oh, yeah, uh,
her memory must have been wiped clean...

358
00:18:07,461 --> 00:18:09,106
So now she's gonna have to

359
00:18:09,130 --> 00:18:11,747
re-upload all the knowledge in the universe

360
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,193
which will only take a few days.

361
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,253
Okay.
- Hello.

362
00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,926
Hello.
- Hello! Hello.

363
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,630
Everyone, um...
until I get to the bottom of this

364
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:22,891
my retirement is officially postponed.

365
00:18:22,977 --> 00:18:24,246
Whoo!

366
00:18:24,270 --> 00:18:26,182
Hello!

367
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,643
Hello! Hello!

368
00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:32,397
Ya gotta admit, I kinda nailed it.

369
00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:35,028
All we have to do now is keep
the secret forever.

370
00:18:35,239 --> 00:18:37,572
J dog, you cool?
- No.

371
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,068
By the time I got to the piñata
all the candy was gone.

372
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:42,695
He's not going to tell anyone.

373
00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:44,996
Chidi? Cheedster?

374
00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,039
What's, uh... happening, buddy?

375
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:50,494
You have a crazy look in your eye
and you're retreating into your shirt.

376
00:18:50,588 --> 00:18:52,329
You're kind of like turtling.

377
00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,986
Henry, are you all right?
What happened?

378
00:18:57,094 --> 00:18:59,677
I have an aneurysm,
requires emergency surgery.

379
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,471
Doctors give me a fifty-fifty chance

380
00:19:01,557 --> 00:19:05,267
so if there's anything you need
to say to me, you should do it now.

381
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:09,938
Oh, well, actually, um...

382
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,520
They let you wear your boots in here?

383
00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:15,411
They're the only things
that bring me comfort.

384
00:19:15,446 --> 00:19:16,527
That, and my wife.

385
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:18,814
But she's out getting me
a pair of backup boots.

386
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:22,822
She says it's my incentive
to make it through.

387
00:19:25,039 --> 00:19:26,279
What did you want to say to me?

388
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:32,370
Oh, um, just that I'm here
and I love you, man.

389
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:35,168
I love you, too, boot brother.

390
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:37,715
Okay.

391
00:19:38,844 --> 00:19:40,756
Had 'em sharpened.

392
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,133
Uh, yeah.

393
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,722
Chidi! You didn't have to stay
here all night.

394
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,935
So, surgery went well? All clear?

395
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:51,472
Right as rain, buddy!

396
00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:56,485
That is so, so, so great. I hate your boots.

397
00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:58,938
What?
- I told you that I loved your boots

398
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:02,945
three years ago, and I was lying,
and that lie has haunted me ever since.

399
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:04,763
And people tried to tell me it was fine

400
00:20:04,787 --> 00:20:06,890
just a nice little white lie
in the form of social niceties

401
00:20:06,914 --> 00:20:09,309
but I disagreed, and then yesterday
I thought you were gonna die

402
00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:11,120
but now you're not dead and I can finally

403
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,543
be honest and say that
those boots are terrible

404
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:15,666
and hideous and I hate them.

405
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:18,169
Whoo!

406
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:22,969
This is why everyone hates
moral philosophy professors.

407
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,342
Yeah. I know. And I get it.

408
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:29,100
I don't care that she came back

409
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:32,855
or that we did it for a good reason,
I can't live with this lie.

410
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,897
I'm going to confess
to the murder of Janet.

411
00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,689
What?

412
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:44,862
Dude, why? Janet is fine!
We didn't harm her at all.

413
00:20:44,994 --> 00:20:47,111
We didn't? Hey, Janet?

414
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:48,240
Hello!

415
00:20:48,289 --> 00:20:49,951
- Hello?
- Hello!

416
00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:52,703
Janet, would you please recite
the English alphabet?

417
00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:55,707
A, B... Janet!

418
00:20:56,172 --> 00:20:57,458
She knows her A, B-Janets!

419
00:20:57,757 --> 00:21:01,751
She literally knew everything
in the universe, and now she's a baby!

420
00:21:01,886 --> 00:21:04,503
And even if she were OK,
it would be too painful for me

421
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,050
to live with these lies.

422
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:07,798
What are you talking about?

423
00:21:07,892 --> 00:21:10,475
It is so easy to live with a lie.

424
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:15,231
I once pretended to have a terminal illness
to meet Scott Wolf at a Sunglass Hut.

425
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,607
A victimless crime.

426
00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:22,441
Fine. I won't say anything,
because I promised to help you

427
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:25,069
and the moral implications...

428
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:26,358
of everything that we've done

429
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:28,990
are so complicated that I may
never untangle them.

430
00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:31,287
But I hate lying. I always have.

431
00:21:31,791 --> 00:21:34,408
And this is going to
eat me up inside, forever.

432
00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:37,502
You might be able to shrug this off
and forget about it, but I never will.

433
00:21:40,925 --> 00:21:41,961
Hello.

434
00:21:43,052 --> 00:21:44,293
Hi.
- Hello.

435
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:46,886
Hi.
- Hello.

436
00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,008
Jianyu.

437
00:21:50,518 --> 00:21:52,931
Michael? Janet said you wanted
to speak to me.

438
00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:56,597
But actually, she was just drooling
a lot and saying "hello"

439
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:59,190
over and over again,
but she did point at you.

440
00:21:59,902 --> 00:22:00,983
I owe you an apology.

441
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:05,530
Oh, no you don't.
No, um... but please continue.

442
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:11,366
You were only trying to help.
And I let my sadness cloud my judgment.

443
00:22:12,706 --> 00:22:14,288
You're a wonderful person.

444
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:18,752
And if I ever do have a retirement party,
I hope you plan it.

445
00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:27,127
Thank you for gathering, everyone.

446
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,212
I want to keep you all updated.

447
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:30,676
Here's what we know.

448
00:22:31,267 --> 00:22:32,974
Someone slaughtered Janet.

449
00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:35,594
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

450
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:38,271
- Okay. Easy.
- I assume that this horrifying act

451
00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,399
is somehow related to
the other issues we've had here.

452
00:22:42,152 --> 00:22:45,316
It also means that the problems
in this Neighbourhood

453
00:22:46,198 --> 00:22:48,360
are not one hundred percent my fault.

454
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,905
There is something else at work here.

455
00:22:52,580 --> 00:22:56,494
If anyone has any information
about any of this

456
00:22:57,209 --> 00:22:59,622
I beg you. Tell me.

457
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,414
Hey, I love you, man.

458
00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:09,962
Michael?
The problem in the Neighbourhood...

459
00:23:11,473 --> 00:23:12,509
is me.

460
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:18,683
I was brought to the Good Place by mistake.
I'm not supposed to be here.