1 00:00:02,340 --> 00:00:04,599 ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪ 2 00:00:04,675 --> 00:00:07,752 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪ 3 00:00:07,754 --> 00:00:11,422 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪ 4 00:00:11,424 --> 00:00:14,425 ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪ 5 00:00:14,427 --> 00:00:17,779 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪ 6 00:00:17,855 --> 00:00:21,432 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪ 7 00:00:21,434 --> 00:00:22,934 ♪ All the things that make us ♪ 8 00:00:22,936 --> 00:00:24,269 ♪ Laugh and cry ♪ 9 00:00:24,271 --> 00:00:30,008 ♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪ 10 00:00:33,797 --> 00:00:34,904 [announcer] We now return 11 00:00:34,981 --> 00:00:36,464 to what we think Yellowstone is, 12 00:00:36,541 --> 00:00:38,040 but we've never actually watched it, 13 00:00:38,118 --> 00:00:39,542 so we're not totally sure. 14 00:00:39,619 --> 00:00:41,636 God, I love being in the Old West, 15 00:00:41,712 --> 00:00:42,804 or maybe present day, 16 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:44,639 it's unclear on the Paramount billboards. 17 00:00:44,715 --> 00:00:47,901 Hey, other cowboys, did you get the cows put away here 18 00:00:47,977 --> 00:00:50,436 in the great state of... Wyoming? 19 00:00:50,513 --> 00:00:51,554 Montana, maybe? 20 00:00:51,631 --> 00:00:54,723 We sure did, Yellowstone Boss Cowboy. 21 00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:56,559 And I'm Kevin Costner. 22 00:00:56,636 --> 00:00:58,394 Okay, that much I know. 23 00:00:58,471 --> 00:01:00,138 -[man] He quit. -Then I know nothing. 24 00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:02,731 Apparently, the original title for that series was 25 00:01:02,809 --> 00:01:04,309 Get Back Here, Cows. 26 00:01:04,311 --> 00:01:07,995 [sighs] Maybe just try watching the show. 27 00:01:08,072 --> 00:01:09,756 It's really quite popular. 28 00:01:09,833 --> 00:01:11,073 Guys, I've done it. 29 00:01:11,151 --> 00:01:13,501 The work for which I'll be known for. 30 00:01:13,578 --> 00:01:15,320 Got an extra "for" in that sentence. 31 00:01:15,322 --> 00:01:16,487 Come take a look. I'm serious. 32 00:01:16,489 --> 00:01:18,323 It's the best work I've ever done. 33 00:01:18,325 --> 00:01:20,100 Is this that thing where you're changing words 34 00:01:20,176 --> 00:01:21,993 in Harry Potter to dog stuff 35 00:01:21,995 --> 00:01:23,511 until it's legally a different book? 36 00:01:23,588 --> 00:01:26,347 Oh, there's plenty of adventures at Dogwarts coming up, 37 00:01:26,424 --> 00:01:27,849 but this is something else. 38 00:01:27,925 --> 00:01:29,258 [panting] 39 00:01:29,336 --> 00:01:31,169 -It's a hole. -Right? 40 00:01:31,187 --> 00:01:32,445 I-I was just, I was in the zone, man. 41 00:01:32,522 --> 00:01:33,688 I-I-- It was like-- 42 00:01:33,764 --> 00:01:35,431 it was like I was just channeling the work. 43 00:01:35,508 --> 00:01:37,191 Like-like it was just coming through me. 44 00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:39,510 -Very nice, Brian. -It's a masterpiece. 45 00:01:39,512 --> 00:01:42,347 A masterpiece I created with my own hands, 46 00:01:42,349 --> 00:01:44,332 and no one can take it away from me. 47 00:01:45,127 --> 00:01:46,851 I took it away from you. 48 00:01:46,853 --> 00:01:48,777 Dude! What's your problem, man? 49 00:01:48,855 --> 00:01:50,037 He's in a mood, I-I don't know, 50 00:01:50,114 --> 00:01:52,874 I-I... said something mean about a show. 51 00:01:52,950 --> 00:01:54,375 Anyway, good job, Brian. 52 00:01:54,452 --> 00:01:57,595 Thank you for sharing this with us. [gasps] 53 00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:02,291 What the hell? You buried Rupert?! 54 00:02:02,369 --> 00:02:05,311 [whimpers] Are you okay? Oh, please be okay. 55 00:02:05,388 --> 00:02:08,064 You bastard! What do you have to say for yourself? 56 00:02:09,151 --> 00:02:11,542 ¿No hablo inglés? 57 00:02:11,544 --> 00:02:15,405 Got to leave lots of space. We're just getting started. 58 00:02:20,069 --> 00:02:21,161 I'll say this, Rupert, 59 00:02:21,237 --> 00:02:23,329 you were long overdue for a bath. 60 00:02:23,448 --> 00:02:25,406 Oh, hush. Just because BuzzFeed says 61 00:02:25,483 --> 00:02:28,150 Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't bathe, that doesn't make it true, 62 00:02:28,152 --> 00:02:30,152 even though it 100% is. 63 00:02:30,230 --> 00:02:31,504 Now what's this? 64 00:02:33,991 --> 00:02:35,324 Made in China? 65 00:02:35,343 --> 00:02:37,585 Rupert, you're... you're Chinese? 66 00:02:37,662 --> 00:02:39,070 I had no idea. 67 00:02:39,072 --> 00:02:40,571 My word, all these years, 68 00:02:40,573 --> 00:02:43,332 I have been in a multicultural relationship. 69 00:02:43,410 --> 00:02:45,685 Well, sometimes life takes you down a different road. 70 00:02:45,762 --> 00:02:47,412 Just ask Robert Frost. 71 00:02:47,414 --> 00:02:51,249 [Frost] "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, 72 00:02:51,251 --> 00:02:54,252 "I took the one less traveled by..." 73 00:02:54,254 --> 00:02:56,087 All right, I saw the back of what I think is 74 00:02:56,089 --> 00:02:58,180 my son's English teacher pushing a grocery cart 75 00:02:58,258 --> 00:02:59,866 full of his possessions, 76 00:02:59,943 --> 00:03:02,927 and I just can't have that interaction right now. 77 00:03:02,929 --> 00:03:04,111 Mr. Frost? 78 00:03:04,188 --> 00:03:07,598 Oh, hey, Mr. Thompson. Uh... 79 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,100 -what've you been up to? -Nothing much. 80 00:03:09,102 --> 00:03:10,435 Just waiting for the district 81 00:03:10,453 --> 00:03:13,287 to finish its "administrative review." [chuckles] 82 00:03:13,364 --> 00:03:15,106 Not really something I can talk about. 83 00:03:15,108 --> 00:03:16,441 Okay, well I'm gonna go ahead 84 00:03:16,443 --> 00:03:18,276 and take the road more traveled by. 85 00:03:18,294 --> 00:03:21,537 Could really use somebody to write a letter on my behalf. 86 00:03:21,614 --> 00:03:23,223 I'm not really a writer. 87 00:03:26,119 --> 00:03:29,136 Good morning, Brian. Or rather, ni hao. 88 00:03:29,213 --> 00:03:30,379 Why are you dressed like that? 89 00:03:30,457 --> 00:03:32,640 Oh, my God, that is such a Year of the Monkey 90 00:03:32,717 --> 00:03:34,400 thing to ask. Right, Rupert? 91 00:03:34,477 --> 00:03:36,811 Textbook Year of the Monkey, this guy. 92 00:03:36,887 --> 00:03:38,238 Right? You're nine years old, right? 93 00:03:38,314 --> 00:03:41,241 -Yeah. -Right, so, 2024, 2023... 94 00:03:41,276 --> 00:03:42,725 Right, yup, Monkey. Monkey. 95 00:03:42,802 --> 00:03:45,361 I-I can always tell because I'm Year of the Pig. 96 00:03:45,396 --> 00:03:46,729 Does all this have something to do 97 00:03:46,806 --> 00:03:48,823 with you finding out that Rupert was made in China? 98 00:03:48,899 --> 00:03:51,417 Well, not that it should need a reason, but yes, Brian. 99 00:03:51,494 --> 00:03:52,585 I want Rupert to feel 100 00:03:52,662 --> 00:03:54,812 his culture is welcome and embraced here. 101 00:03:54,814 --> 00:03:57,406 So, you've decided to talk and dress like an idiot? 102 00:03:57,484 --> 00:03:59,074 Idiot, eh? Well, let's hear you say that 103 00:03:59,152 --> 00:04:02,153 after I have a very lazy Steven Seagal-type 104 00:04:02,155 --> 00:04:04,655 martial arts fight against Russian shills. 105 00:04:04,657 --> 00:04:06,599 [grunting] 106 00:04:07,752 --> 00:04:09,176 He is invincible. 107 00:04:09,253 --> 00:04:10,845 Even better than Steven Seagal, 108 00:04:10,921 --> 00:04:12,254 who unzipped his leather pants 109 00:04:12,332 --> 00:04:14,590 in front of Portia di Rossi at an audition. 110 00:04:14,667 --> 00:04:17,351 Hey, just because you read that in BuzzFeed article 111 00:04:17,428 --> 00:04:21,114 does not make it true, even though it 100% is. 112 00:04:25,936 --> 00:04:29,680 Rupert, I want you to feel that your heritage is respected here, 113 00:04:29,699 --> 00:04:31,124 so I've made a few tweaks 114 00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,275 to our favorite classic television show. 115 00:04:33,353 --> 00:04:35,202 [announcer] We now return to E.R. 116 00:04:35,279 --> 00:04:36,687 [Stewie] Edited for Eastern medicine. 117 00:04:36,689 --> 00:04:38,965 -I need ten cc's of-- -[Stewie] Ginseng root. 118 00:04:39,042 --> 00:04:40,541 And somebody set this patient up with-- 119 00:04:40,618 --> 00:04:42,659 [Stewie] Goldfish to nibble his toes. 120 00:04:44,030 --> 00:04:46,047 We're gonna lose him if we can't get our hands on some-- 121 00:04:46,123 --> 00:04:47,515 [Stewie] Baby elephant bones. 122 00:04:49,552 --> 00:04:51,960 -He's coding. -There's just one chance. 123 00:04:52,038 --> 00:04:54,705 -We need-- -[Chris] The lady doctors to kiss. 124 00:04:54,707 --> 00:04:56,557 I made some tweaks as well. 125 00:04:56,634 --> 00:04:58,967 Well, I think I have gone above and beyond 126 00:04:59,045 --> 00:05:00,570 in embracing Rupert's culture. 127 00:05:04,217 --> 00:05:07,142 Rupert, you... you're looking out to the east. 128 00:05:07,144 --> 00:05:09,329 You're still thinking about your roots. 129 00:05:10,665 --> 00:05:13,891 I know, Rupert. You want to see your homeland again. 130 00:05:13,893 --> 00:05:15,242 You want to find your parents. 131 00:05:15,319 --> 00:05:16,985 You want to casually moped 132 00:05:17,063 --> 00:05:19,339 through an asteroid field of traffic. 133 00:05:19,415 --> 00:05:21,082 All right, Rupert, you win. 134 00:05:21,158 --> 00:05:23,401 Tomorrow I will take you to China. 135 00:05:23,403 --> 00:05:25,494 Didn't you set Rupert up at that window? 136 00:05:25,572 --> 00:05:27,254 Which is facing north, by the way. 137 00:05:27,331 --> 00:05:29,498 Shut up Brian. We're going to China. 138 00:05:29,576 --> 00:05:31,425 [gong crashes] 139 00:05:31,502 --> 00:05:33,578 Yeah, sound guy? Yeah, let's, um... 140 00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:35,480 let's pace ourselves on that stuff, okay? 141 00:05:41,421 --> 00:05:43,771 Wait a minute, you're taking Rupert to China 142 00:05:43,848 --> 00:05:45,106 so he can meet his family? 143 00:05:45,182 --> 00:05:46,199 That's right, Brian. 144 00:05:46,275 --> 00:05:48,350 Rupert wants to find his mom and dad, 145 00:05:48,428 --> 00:05:50,778 and he wants to eat one tiny part of a shark 146 00:05:50,855 --> 00:05:52,263 and throw the rest in the garbage. 147 00:05:52,265 --> 00:05:54,207 And I'm going to make that happen for him. 148 00:05:54,283 --> 00:05:55,600 You can't go to China, Stewie. 149 00:05:55,602 --> 00:05:57,210 -Why not? -Because you're an infant. 150 00:05:57,361 --> 00:05:59,045 There's no way Peter and Lois will let you. 151 00:05:59,122 --> 00:06:01,105 [scoffs] They'll never even notice I'm gone. 152 00:06:01,107 --> 00:06:02,940 They're at VR Burning Man. 153 00:06:02,942 --> 00:06:04,275 [laughs] 154 00:06:04,277 --> 00:06:05,610 Yeah, my wife is here, 155 00:06:05,612 --> 00:06:07,870 but she said I could glitter paint anyone I want. 156 00:06:07,947 --> 00:06:10,948 Why, yes, I will trade my wife for some toilet paper, 157 00:06:10,950 --> 00:06:12,617 man with top hat and goggles. 158 00:06:12,619 --> 00:06:16,044 Okay, Stewie, there's also the fact that Rupert is, 159 00:06:16,122 --> 00:06:17,379 -um... -What? 160 00:06:17,457 --> 00:06:20,124 He... Look, Rupert doesn't have a family. 161 00:06:20,126 --> 00:06:23,051 In China or anywhere. Rupert's just a toy. 162 00:06:23,129 --> 00:06:25,554 What did you say? 163 00:06:25,632 --> 00:06:27,131 Rupert is a toy. 164 00:06:27,133 --> 00:06:30,326 Let me hear you say that one more time. 165 00:06:31,487 --> 00:06:34,080 It was then that I realized I can't hear. 166 00:06:34,157 --> 00:06:35,915 I can't hear, Dr. Scott. 167 00:06:35,992 --> 00:06:37,141 And if that's true, 168 00:06:37,143 --> 00:06:38,918 how do I know I'm even being heard? 169 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,162 How do I know if I even exist at all? 170 00:06:41,238 --> 00:06:43,405 Yeah. Yeah, totally. 171 00:06:43,483 --> 00:06:44,649 Yeah, would-would you mind 172 00:06:44,651 --> 00:06:46,742 not folding your laundry during our session? 173 00:06:46,819 --> 00:06:50,263 Hey, man, this is therapy that advertises on podcasts. 174 00:06:50,339 --> 00:06:53,099 It-it costs, like, 18 bucks. You get what you get. 175 00:06:54,084 --> 00:06:55,435 [announcer] At PhoneMD, 176 00:06:55,511 --> 00:06:57,419 we believe therapy doesn't have to be expensive. 177 00:06:57,497 --> 00:06:58,754 Or even effective. 178 00:06:58,831 --> 00:07:01,757 It just has to be reportable to your spouse. 179 00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:03,334 PhoneMD. Get therapy 180 00:07:03,336 --> 00:07:05,111 on the thing that led to the affair. 181 00:07:05,188 --> 00:07:06,428 [inhales deeply] 182 00:07:06,506 --> 00:07:08,430 Look, Brian, I'm taking Rupert to China 183 00:07:08,508 --> 00:07:10,783 and it's none of your business. You're not invited anyway. 184 00:07:10,785 --> 00:07:13,027 What would you even do in China-- see if Olivia Munn 185 00:07:13,103 --> 00:07:15,246 left a sister back in the homeland? 186 00:07:17,016 --> 00:07:19,083 ♪ 187 00:07:21,537 --> 00:07:22,536 Are you... 188 00:07:22,613 --> 00:07:24,630 Yes, John Mulaney's brother, Don. 189 00:07:24,707 --> 00:07:26,966 And I'm looking for the same thing you are. 190 00:07:27,043 --> 00:07:28,375 [flight attendant] Ladies and gentlemen, 191 00:07:28,452 --> 00:07:30,194 as we begin our descent into Beijing, 192 00:07:30,196 --> 00:07:31,637 we ask that you power down your devices. 193 00:07:31,714 --> 00:07:33,806 Blast! I need to hurry up and finish this episode 194 00:07:33,883 --> 00:07:37,702 of Yellowstone, which we still haven't ever actually watched. 195 00:07:37,704 --> 00:07:39,645 ♪ 196 00:07:40,648 --> 00:07:41,981 You can't take our land. 197 00:07:42,058 --> 00:07:44,150 We built all this nothing from nothing. 198 00:07:44,227 --> 00:07:46,210 I'm sorry, but I got a paper here 199 00:07:46,212 --> 00:07:48,395 signed by the governor of this Dakota. 200 00:07:48,472 --> 00:07:50,323 Cowboy husband? Is everything okay? 201 00:07:50,399 --> 00:07:51,899 Get back inside, 202 00:07:51,976 --> 00:07:55,119 women who are way hotter than real women from this place. 203 00:08:00,317 --> 00:08:02,076 Here we are. We made it. 204 00:08:02,152 --> 00:08:03,169 Hey, check this out. 205 00:08:03,246 --> 00:08:05,546 Everyone, the Olympics are coming! 206 00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:14,421 Right? Oh, friggin' China, man. 207 00:08:14,498 --> 00:08:16,407 I mean, 800 workers just died, 208 00:08:16,409 --> 00:08:18,392 but still, tip your cap, you know? 209 00:08:24,917 --> 00:08:26,675 Hey. Thanks for making our stuff. 210 00:08:26,753 --> 00:08:27,843 Thank you. 211 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,344 Our country stopped making stuff, 212 00:08:29,422 --> 00:08:30,921 so thank you for making the stuff 213 00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:32,240 'cause we still need stuff. 214 00:08:35,853 --> 00:08:38,779 I say. Back in the old stomping ground, eh, friend? 215 00:08:38,856 --> 00:08:40,188 Why, you must feel like Jesus did 216 00:08:40,266 --> 00:08:41,857 when he returned from the dead. 217 00:08:41,859 --> 00:08:44,285 Hey, hey, look who's back. Miss me? 218 00:08:44,361 --> 00:08:48,214 Jesus. Hey, hey! [laughs] This is great. This is great. 219 00:08:48,291 --> 00:08:50,441 So, uh, listen, um, 220 00:08:50,443 --> 00:08:52,293 I hired you to build me a table 221 00:08:52,369 --> 00:08:54,703 back before all the stuff went down, right? 222 00:08:54,781 --> 00:08:56,514 And, uh, well, look... 223 00:08:57,450 --> 00:09:00,226 Hmm. Do you have a receipt? 224 00:09:00,303 --> 00:09:03,378 Um, no. I mean... Well, you died, 225 00:09:03,456 --> 00:09:05,398 so I figured there was no point in hanging on to it. 226 00:09:05,549 --> 00:09:09,527 Yeah, you kind of want to always keep the receipt. 227 00:09:10,646 --> 00:09:11,696 Look. There! 228 00:09:14,558 --> 00:09:16,701 It's Rupert's brothers and sisters. 229 00:09:20,323 --> 00:09:22,139 And there's his mother and father. 230 00:09:22,141 --> 00:09:23,916 Yeah, are you sure those aren't just random workers 231 00:09:23,993 --> 00:09:25,476 who happen to be on duty today? 232 00:09:25,478 --> 00:09:27,978 No, they're his mom and dad, I'm certain. Look-- 233 00:09:27,980 --> 00:09:30,147 she has Rupert's same non-smile. 234 00:09:30,149 --> 00:09:32,407 And he has Rupert's glassy, dead eyes. 235 00:09:32,485 --> 00:09:34,910 All right, Brian, remember-- it's vital that I make 236 00:09:34,987 --> 00:09:36,170 a good impression on these people. 237 00:09:36,246 --> 00:09:37,488 So, to review? 238 00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:40,007 [sighs] You're a wealthy American businessman. 239 00:09:40,084 --> 00:09:42,676 -And also? -The lead singer of Coldplay. 240 00:09:42,753 --> 00:09:44,920 Perfect. Now I want you to film all of this 241 00:09:44,997 --> 00:09:47,773 because after we meet them, I'm going to ask their blessing 242 00:09:47,850 --> 00:09:50,501 -to marry Rupert. -W-What? 243 00:09:50,503 --> 00:09:54,338 You guys? There's someone here who'd like to say hello. 244 00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:55,372 Okay. 245 00:09:55,374 --> 00:09:57,341 Yes, it's your son, Rupert! 246 00:09:57,343 --> 00:10:00,344 If they start weeping, obviously zoom way in on that. 247 00:10:00,346 --> 00:10:02,529 Oh, look at you. You're clearly in shock. 248 00:10:02,606 --> 00:10:05,273 And now, like every host of a cooking travel show, 249 00:10:05,351 --> 00:10:07,293 I'm going to disregard cultural norms 250 00:10:07,370 --> 00:10:09,370 and touch your body without your consent. 251 00:10:09,446 --> 00:10:11,705 Ignoring your discomfort... 252 00:10:11,782 --> 00:10:13,448 Ignoring your discomfort. 253 00:10:13,526 --> 00:10:15,801 Feel free to cry. Makes for better video. 254 00:10:15,878 --> 00:10:18,362 -Okay. -We have so much to talk about. 255 00:10:18,364 --> 00:10:21,123 But I just want you to know we don't hold it against you-- 256 00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:22,975 you giving up Rupert-- even though it did 257 00:10:23,052 --> 00:10:24,977 -mess him up, sexually. -Okay. 258 00:10:25,054 --> 00:10:26,979 I mean, I'm sure you guys had lots of stuff going on. 259 00:10:27,056 --> 00:10:28,648 I mean, obviously, the career... 260 00:10:28,724 --> 00:10:30,708 Can't expect you to walk away from all this. 261 00:10:30,710 --> 00:10:34,820 So, I'm Rupert's special friend, Stewie Griffin-Dockers III. 262 00:10:34,897 --> 00:10:37,047 Yes, of the pants Dockers. Let's not 263 00:10:37,049 --> 00:10:39,216 -make a big deal out of it. -Okay. 264 00:10:39,218 --> 00:10:41,385 But I really love what you have here. 265 00:10:41,387 --> 00:10:43,404 That's such a cute hole they give you for a toilet. 266 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:44,830 Brian, tell them about my toilet. 267 00:10:44,907 --> 00:10:48,292 -He's wearing it. -I'm wearing my toilet. So... 268 00:10:50,988 --> 00:10:54,156 Am I still supposed to be recording this? 269 00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:55,841 So, listen, we, um... 270 00:10:55,918 --> 00:10:59,178 we didn't really come all the way to China just to say hello. 271 00:10:59,255 --> 00:11:01,255 As I said, Rupert and I are, um, 272 00:11:01,331 --> 00:11:03,407 very special friends. 273 00:11:03,409 --> 00:11:06,410 Truthfully, more than friends. And, um... 274 00:11:06,412 --> 00:11:09,355 You know, when a baby gets to be a certain age, 275 00:11:09,432 --> 00:11:12,525 he starts thinking about his future. And, um, 276 00:11:12,601 --> 00:11:17,196 who he wants to share that future with. And, um... 277 00:11:17,273 --> 00:11:18,439 -[Brian] Still rolling. -I know. 278 00:11:18,515 --> 00:11:20,032 It's just, if this video goes too long, 279 00:11:20,109 --> 00:11:21,442 I won't be able to text it to you. 280 00:11:21,518 --> 00:11:22,927 You can friggin' AirDrop it! 281 00:11:22,929 --> 00:11:24,261 Also, someone's using the toilet hole 282 00:11:24,263 --> 00:11:25,462 in the background of your shot. 283 00:11:25,464 --> 00:11:27,281 Okay, you know what, let's not do this here. 284 00:11:27,357 --> 00:11:29,041 We clearly have a ton to talk about, 285 00:11:29,118 --> 00:11:30,876 so perhaps dinner is in order? 286 00:11:30,953 --> 00:11:32,694 Maybe we drop by around 6:00? 287 00:11:32,772 --> 00:11:35,289 -Okay. -Great, but you have to promise me 288 00:11:35,291 --> 00:11:37,107 no special treatment just because 289 00:11:37,109 --> 00:11:39,218 I'm a casual slacks billionaire. 290 00:11:39,295 --> 00:11:40,945 ♪ 291 00:11:40,947 --> 00:11:42,613 Who are those Americans poking around 292 00:11:42,615 --> 00:11:44,390 our industrial facility and filming? 293 00:11:44,467 --> 00:11:46,450 -Are they spies? -I don't know. 294 00:11:46,452 --> 00:11:49,787 I'm not seeing any matches on the facial recognition software. 295 00:11:49,789 --> 00:11:51,622 [sighs] Or on Tinder. 296 00:11:51,624 --> 00:11:52,957 Yeah, what do you expect? 297 00:11:52,959 --> 00:11:55,960 We're a country of a billion guys and eight girls. 298 00:11:55,962 --> 00:11:57,644 [announcer] China: Whoops! 299 00:11:57,721 --> 00:12:00,314 Maybe we threw away too many girls. 300 00:12:00,390 --> 00:12:01,741 Count it. 301 00:12:04,820 --> 00:12:06,412 [knocking] 302 00:12:07,323 --> 00:12:09,473 -Aah! -Hello, hello, hello. 303 00:12:09,475 --> 00:12:11,825 [sniffs] Mmm, something smells delicious 304 00:12:11,902 --> 00:12:14,569 and with the eyeballs still on it. I brought wine. 305 00:12:14,647 --> 00:12:17,164 Wow, that's a very expensive bottle, 306 00:12:17,241 --> 00:12:18,907 lead singer from Coldplay, 307 00:12:18,926 --> 00:12:20,167 which I forgot to mention earlier. 308 00:12:20,169 --> 00:12:21,502 [laughs] No, it's nothing. 309 00:12:21,654 --> 00:12:24,321 Now, before we do anything else, I just have to know-- 310 00:12:24,323 --> 00:12:26,340 which one of you two hogs the blankets? 311 00:12:26,416 --> 00:12:28,158 Who does Rupert get that from? 312 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,253 Uh, look at Pop-Pop's face. Busted! 313 00:12:31,330 --> 00:12:33,272 I think we found our blanket hog. 314 00:12:33,349 --> 00:12:34,315 Okay. 315 00:12:35,684 --> 00:12:39,686 Well, we're here because, um, I... 316 00:12:39,763 --> 00:12:41,505 I have something important to ask you. 317 00:12:41,507 --> 00:12:42,506 Okay. 318 00:12:42,508 --> 00:12:46,193 So, Rupert and I, um... [exhales] 319 00:12:46,270 --> 00:12:48,712 Could-could I maybe have some tea first? 320 00:12:48,714 --> 00:12:49,663 Tea? 321 00:12:51,441 --> 00:12:53,441 Ugh, I'm such a klutz. [chuckles] 322 00:12:53,519 --> 00:12:56,036 Someone hands me a china cup, I look away, right? 323 00:12:56,113 --> 00:12:58,947 Down with china. [chuckles] You know? Down with china. 324 00:12:59,025 --> 00:13:00,374 -[buzzer sounds] -At this point, 325 00:13:00,376 --> 00:13:02,709 I am basically an enemy of china, right? 326 00:13:02,786 --> 00:13:06,380 Anyway, I'm here, um, to ask you a question. 327 00:13:06,456 --> 00:13:08,808 It's a very, very important... 328 00:13:08,884 --> 00:13:10,551 Actually, you know what? Two questions. 329 00:13:10,627 --> 00:13:12,478 You remember that old Calgon commercial? 330 00:13:12,555 --> 00:13:14,313 "Ancient Chinese secret," right? 331 00:13:14,390 --> 00:13:16,965 What exactly is the ancient Chinese secret? 332 00:13:17,043 --> 00:13:18,542 -[buzzer sounds] -I'll pay you anything 333 00:13:18,544 --> 00:13:20,711 if you'll tell me the ancient Chinese secret. 334 00:13:20,713 --> 00:13:22,304 [buzzer sounding] 335 00:13:22,381 --> 00:13:24,022 Stewie, are you gonna do this or not? 336 00:13:24,099 --> 00:13:25,307 Yes, yes, Brian, fine. 337 00:13:25,384 --> 00:13:28,310 So... [sighs] What I really came here 338 00:13:28,387 --> 00:13:29,620 to ask you is this. 339 00:13:31,557 --> 00:13:34,375 Will you please give Rupert and me your blessing to-- 340 00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:37,169 -[grunts] -You're under arrest. 341 00:13:37,246 --> 00:13:39,171 The charge is espionage against China. 342 00:13:39,248 --> 00:13:40,673 I didn't do espionage. 343 00:13:40,749 --> 00:13:44,385 And aggravated sodomy against a stuffed animal. 344 00:13:45,254 --> 00:13:46,554 I didn't do espionage. 345 00:13:52,761 --> 00:13:54,261 Twenty years in a labor camp 346 00:13:54,338 --> 00:13:56,763 for spying on China. What a mess. 347 00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,265 "Hire Sidney Powell," he said. 348 00:13:58,342 --> 00:14:00,175 It's the only place she's still licensed. 349 00:14:00,252 --> 00:14:02,102 Break's over. Get back to work 350 00:14:02,254 --> 00:14:04,363 making solar panels for American liberals. 351 00:14:07,517 --> 00:14:09,276 Didn't realize all our solar panels 352 00:14:09,353 --> 00:14:11,095 are made by Chinese political prisoners. 353 00:14:11,097 --> 00:14:13,597 Yes. White liberals have a lot to answer for. 354 00:14:13,599 --> 00:14:15,949 [chuckles] Well, I'd say conservatives do as well, 355 00:14:16,026 --> 00:14:18,210 especially in a post Roe v. Wade world. 356 00:14:19,288 --> 00:14:22,697 Oh my gosh, I finally get to see this little guy. 357 00:14:22,775 --> 00:14:24,274 [gasps] He's adorable. 358 00:14:24,276 --> 00:14:26,126 He looks just like your rapist. 359 00:14:26,203 --> 00:14:27,778 I think he looks like both of us. 360 00:14:27,780 --> 00:14:30,556 He's a cutie. He's gonna be a little lady killer. 361 00:14:30,633 --> 00:14:33,300 Well, we'll see. I don't want to put any pressure on him. 362 00:14:33,377 --> 00:14:35,227 This is outrageous. I'm not a spy 363 00:14:35,379 --> 00:14:37,137 and I'm not doing your prison labor. 364 00:14:37,214 --> 00:14:39,139 Let me guess-- Year of the Monkey? 365 00:14:39,216 --> 00:14:40,457 Yep. Bingo. 366 00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:43,051 Okay, monkey, if you won't do this labor, 367 00:14:43,129 --> 00:14:46,146 we will give you and your friend hard labor. 368 00:14:46,223 --> 00:14:48,407 [classical music playing on TV] 369 00:14:48,409 --> 00:14:51,135 The hard labor is watching the movie Tár? 370 00:14:51,137 --> 00:14:53,245 And answer questions about the film. 371 00:14:53,322 --> 00:14:56,156 "Why should the viewer care about this protagonist? 372 00:14:56,233 --> 00:14:58,417 What are we hoping she accomplishes?" 373 00:14:58,494 --> 00:15:01,236 "What is the ultimate message of the movie Tár?" 374 00:15:01,238 --> 00:15:04,148 "Why is there an accent mark over the A in Tár, 375 00:15:04,150 --> 00:15:06,425 despite the fact that it is a one-syllable word, 376 00:15:06,502 --> 00:15:09,577 and therefore contains no other syllables to de-accentuate?" 377 00:15:09,655 --> 00:15:11,505 Oh, no, now it's getting really tough. 378 00:15:11,581 --> 00:15:13,581 "What does a conductor actually do? 379 00:15:13,659 --> 00:15:16,009 "Why couldn't the best musicians in the world, 380 00:15:16,086 --> 00:15:17,678 "who are trained at Juilliard, 381 00:15:17,754 --> 00:15:19,163 "play music without some maniac 382 00:15:19,165 --> 00:15:20,588 "waving a stick in front of them? 383 00:15:20,666 --> 00:15:23,925 "Why are people who hold and wave sticks so tormented? 384 00:15:24,003 --> 00:15:26,336 "How do you think Tár chose her stick? 385 00:15:26,338 --> 00:15:28,172 Please explain in essay form." 386 00:15:28,174 --> 00:15:29,506 Well, at least this is the only movie 387 00:15:29,508 --> 00:15:31,341 we have to watch about a conductor. 388 00:15:31,343 --> 00:15:33,527 And after lunch, you'll be watching Maestro. 389 00:15:33,529 --> 00:15:34,620 You monster! 390 00:15:34,697 --> 00:15:36,604 [cackles] 391 00:15:36,682 --> 00:15:38,666 I can't take much more of this, Brian. 392 00:15:38,701 --> 00:15:40,209 We have to break out of here. 393 00:15:42,705 --> 00:15:44,705 And I think I have an idea. 394 00:15:44,781 --> 00:15:46,948 I don't know, an escape attempt could be dangerous. 395 00:15:47,026 --> 00:15:49,359 Maybe we just wait for Peter and Lois to come get us out. 396 00:15:49,361 --> 00:15:50,544 That'll be quite a wait. 397 00:15:50,620 --> 00:15:52,972 Right now, they're at virtual Dave and Busters. 398 00:15:53,048 --> 00:15:55,699 [gasps] Peter, let's order another plate 399 00:15:55,701 --> 00:15:58,202 of warm mozzarella sticks on brown lettuce. 400 00:15:58,204 --> 00:16:00,370 Sounds good, Lois. You do that while I go stare 401 00:16:00,372 --> 00:16:02,706 at women's butt cracks on the motorcycle games. 402 00:16:02,708 --> 00:16:05,300 Hi. I like how your drink is very blue. 403 00:16:05,377 --> 00:16:08,737 Hey, is it true that Dave shot Buster then shot himself? 404 00:16:13,385 --> 00:16:14,976 All right, Brian, here's the plan. 405 00:16:15,054 --> 00:16:16,495 Each of these panels is coated 406 00:16:16,572 --> 00:16:18,572 with a highly-polarized carbon glass, 407 00:16:18,648 --> 00:16:22,075 but if we can reverse the glass, it'd form a concave mirror. 408 00:16:22,152 --> 00:16:24,319 And indeed, these components are modular. 409 00:16:24,396 --> 00:16:26,154 So, if we target the fence with those mirrors 410 00:16:26,232 --> 00:16:27,581 reflecting the sun's rays-- 411 00:16:27,657 --> 00:16:30,492 we'll need a total of 1,400 centigrade, give or take-- 412 00:16:30,569 --> 00:16:33,828 -it should compromise the structural integrity-- -Come on. 413 00:16:33,906 --> 00:16:35,239 [panting] 414 00:16:35,241 --> 00:16:36,682 My plan had science in it, 415 00:16:36,759 --> 00:16:39,226 but fine, let's do it the dirty dog way. [grunts] 416 00:16:40,688 --> 00:16:42,079 [camp watchman over loudspeaker] Escape in progress. 417 00:16:42,081 --> 00:16:43,522 Escape in progress. 418 00:16:43,599 --> 00:16:47,434 -[phone chimes] -Es... cape... uh... 419 00:16:47,511 --> 00:16:49,028 [laughs] 420 00:16:49,104 --> 00:16:50,678 Escape in progress. 421 00:16:50,756 --> 00:16:52,347 [alarm blaring] 422 00:16:52,424 --> 00:16:53,365 Aah! 423 00:16:53,442 --> 00:16:55,108 -Where do we go? -Over here! 424 00:16:55,185 --> 00:16:57,277 Through the village of Chinese stereotypes. 425 00:16:57,354 --> 00:16:59,329 There's still some we haven't done? 426 00:17:03,452 --> 00:17:04,877 That way-- through the obligatory 427 00:17:04,953 --> 00:17:06,603 Chinese New Year parade. 428 00:17:06,605 --> 00:17:09,197 No, over there, where that old man with a wispy beard 429 00:17:09,275 --> 00:17:11,124 -sells mythical creatures. -No time! 430 00:17:11,201 --> 00:17:13,635 Let's just hide behind those terracotta soldiers. 431 00:17:18,559 --> 00:17:20,059 Whoops. 432 00:17:22,971 --> 00:17:24,304 -Hey! -The hell, man? 433 00:17:24,381 --> 00:17:26,790 Should we settle up? I'll settle up. 434 00:17:26,792 --> 00:17:29,960 -Oh, boy. -Yeah, whenever you accidentally domino stuff over, 435 00:17:29,978 --> 00:17:32,796 there's always a biker gang that's mad about it. 436 00:17:32,798 --> 00:17:34,740 [all shouting] 437 00:17:37,060 --> 00:17:38,619 Quick. Down this alley! 438 00:17:39,988 --> 00:17:42,489 [all shouting] 439 00:17:42,566 --> 00:17:44,500 [fanfare playing] 440 00:17:49,148 --> 00:17:52,216 [gong crashes] 441 00:17:56,488 --> 00:17:57,763 -Aah! -Aah! 442 00:17:59,325 --> 00:18:01,225 Oh, no! 443 00:18:02,511 --> 00:18:04,228 There's no way out. We're trapped! 444 00:18:06,273 --> 00:18:08,332 You've only made things worse. 445 00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:09,516 You should know by now 446 00:18:09,593 --> 00:18:12,760 there's only one way out of a Chinese prison. 447 00:18:12,838 --> 00:18:14,262 [gulps] Death? 448 00:18:14,340 --> 00:18:16,931 No. Rat out someone else. 449 00:18:17,009 --> 00:18:18,675 [gong crashes] 450 00:18:19,787 --> 00:18:23,288 There he is-- famous pro-Tibet activist, Richard Gere! 451 00:18:23,365 --> 00:18:26,016 What? [laughs] I-I mean, 452 00:18:26,018 --> 00:18:28,943 thank you, I'm flattered, but... what? 453 00:18:29,021 --> 00:18:30,612 Sorry, Chris. When you download TikTok, 454 00:18:30,689 --> 00:18:32,205 one of the terms and conditions is that 455 00:18:32,282 --> 00:18:34,908 the Chinese government can just arrest you whenever. 456 00:18:34,985 --> 00:18:36,844 [dance music playing] 457 00:18:37,972 --> 00:18:39,454 [TikTok Jessie voice] Does TikTok app 458 00:18:39,531 --> 00:18:41,956 really let China police kidnap you or... 459 00:18:42,034 --> 00:18:45,727 Probably not, but maybe, LOL? 460 00:18:48,390 --> 00:18:51,208 We have had quite the Chinese adventure, Stewie. 461 00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:55,395 And I think I might just have my next screenplay idea. 462 00:18:55,472 --> 00:18:57,381 He's not gonna write [bleep]. 463 00:18:57,383 --> 00:19:00,066 Well, my friend, we both have crummy in-laws. 464 00:19:00,143 --> 00:19:01,809 My parents throw you in the dryer. 465 00:19:01,887 --> 00:19:03,144 Yours put us in a labor camp. 466 00:19:03,222 --> 00:19:04,663 But if there's one thing I do know: 467 00:19:04,740 --> 00:19:07,073 no matter where we're from or where we are 468 00:19:07,150 --> 00:19:09,576 or who does or doesn't give us their blessing, 469 00:19:09,728 --> 00:19:11,244 my home is where you are 470 00:19:11,321 --> 00:19:14,047 and your home is where I am. 471 00:19:15,992 --> 00:19:19,236 And now I also know where your blanket hog thing comes from. 472 00:19:19,238 --> 00:19:22,330 I-- No, Rupert, I didn't know that "blanket hog" 473 00:19:22,408 --> 00:19:24,683 is a Taiwanese slur for the mainland Chinese. 474 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:25,742 How would I know that? 475 00:19:26,745 --> 00:19:29,021 But I didn't know that it's racist, so how could I-- 476 00:19:30,249 --> 00:19:32,340 I already apologized, by implication. 477 00:19:33,585 --> 00:19:36,436 [sighs] Fine. I'm sorry you were needlessly offended 478 00:19:36,513 --> 00:19:39,272 by my innocent use of an obscure regional racism. 479 00:19:39,349 --> 00:19:42,275 So, that's why I cheated on Rupert with my octopus. 480 00:19:42,352 --> 00:19:44,870 Yeah, that-that seems fine. 481 00:19:44,947 --> 00:19:46,187 I-I don't really care. 482 00:19:46,265 --> 00:19:47,706 Hey-hey, do you have another credit card? 483 00:19:47,783 --> 00:19:50,024 'Cause the one I have on file isn't working. 484 00:19:50,102 --> 00:19:51,376 [announcer] PhoneMD: Make sure 485 00:19:51,453 --> 00:19:52,711 your method of payment is current. 486 00:19:58,610 --> 00:20:01,553 So, Peter, Lois, did you miss us while we were gone? 487 00:20:01,630 --> 00:20:02,888 Oh, we didn't even notice. 488 00:20:02,965 --> 00:20:04,372 We were busy watching Yellowstone, 489 00:20:04,450 --> 00:20:06,225 which is set in present-day Montana 490 00:20:06,301 --> 00:20:08,635 with periodic flashbacks to the 1990s. 491 00:20:08,712 --> 00:20:11,045 [announcer] We finally looked it up on Wikipedia. 492 00:20:11,123 --> 00:20:12,789 Thanks for going to China with me, Brian. 493 00:20:12,808 --> 00:20:15,400 You bet. I just feel bad we had to hand over Chris 494 00:20:15,477 --> 00:20:17,218 -to get out of there. -Oh, I'm sure by now 495 00:20:17,296 --> 00:20:19,571 they've figured out he's not really Richard Gere. 496 00:20:19,648 --> 00:20:22,966 So, in Pretty Woman, when I snap that necklace box 497 00:20:22,968 --> 00:20:24,892 on Julia's fingers and she laughs? 498 00:20:24,970 --> 00:20:26,303 That was total improv. 499 00:20:26,305 --> 00:20:28,805 Julia didn't know I was gonna do that. 500 00:20:28,807 --> 00:20:32,142 Wow. So what's Julia Roberts like in real life? 501 00:20:32,144 --> 00:20:34,086 Is she just supercool and down-to-earth? 502 00:20:34,162 --> 00:20:36,496 No, she is not. 503 00:20:36,573 --> 00:20:38,090 Mr. Gere, what's your middle name? 504 00:20:38,166 --> 00:20:39,741 Meh, you know... 505 00:20:39,743 --> 00:20:42,243 I don't think that middle names are all that important. 506 00:20:42,321 --> 00:20:43,553 I understand it's Tiffany? 507 00:20:44,656 --> 00:20:45,913 It is Tiffany. 508 00:20:45,991 --> 00:20:48,008 [gong crashes] 509 00:20:48,084 --> 00:20:50,143 That's called range.