1
00:00:06,625 --> 00:00:08,416
[gulping]

2
00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:13,041
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drink up, my sweet angel.

3
00:00:13,125 --> 00:00:15,750
Uh, wow,
kid really likes your breast milk.

4
00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,125
Milk? No, Andrew.

5
00:00:17,208 --> 00:00:20,041
Hormone monster breasts
produce Mountain Dew.

6
00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:22,625
Code Red on the left,
classic green on the right.

7
00:00:22,708 --> 00:00:25,916
Yeah, but the green Dew
gives me hard poo-poo.

8
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,083
[laughs]
Yeah, Montel won't touch my right teat,

9
00:00:29,166 --> 00:00:32,041
which, as you can see,
is painfully engorged.

10
00:00:32,125 --> 00:00:32,958
[Andrew] Oh, yeah.

11
00:00:33,041 --> 00:00:34,333
Sorry, Mama Maury.

12
00:00:34,416 --> 00:00:37,125
And sorry about turning lefty here
into nipple tartare.

13
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:39,541
Oh, that's okay, Montel.

14
00:00:39,625 --> 00:00:41,875
Suckle to your heart's content.

15
00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:42,875
[groans]

16
00:00:42,958 --> 00:00:44,541
So, I don't know how this works.

17
00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:49,208
Is it bad form to, uh, milk myself
when there's a baby present?

18
00:00:49,291 --> 00:00:52,125
-Don't be silly, Andrew.
-Oh, just pretend I'm not here.

19
00:00:52,208 --> 00:00:53,625
All right, if you insist.

20
00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:56,583
Wait. Put down your penis.
The love of your life is calling.

21
00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:57,916
Oh, it's Bernie.

22
00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,208
Hola, Papi.

23
00:00:59,291 --> 00:01:02,291
Hey, dollface, guess what?
I'm coming to see you.

24
00:01:02,375 --> 00:01:03,250
-What?
-In person?

25
00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:04,375
For horny time?

26
00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:07,250
Yeah, Friday.
We're taking my brother to visit Rutgers,

27
00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:09,500
and my parents said
they'd drop me off for dinner.

28
00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:11,000
Would that be okay?

29
00:01:11,083 --> 00:01:14,250
I mean, I don't know why he'd visit
a safety school, but of course.

30
00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:18,083
Maybe we could even... [chuckles]
...finish what we started in Vermont?

31
00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,916
Maury, she's talking about
when we nearly boob-touched.

32
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,041
That was the most important day
of my life,

33
00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:26,791
until this little angel
shot out of my bunghole.

34
00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:28,916
Aw, it was a big day for me too.

35
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,375
Bernie, I would love nothing more.

36
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:33,625
It's a plan, my clammy-hands man.

37
00:01:33,708 --> 00:01:40,125
Okay, I gotta jump, but I will see you
for our intra-boobular exchange. Muah.

38
00:01:40,208 --> 00:01:41,875
Oh my God, did you hear that?

39
00:01:41,958 --> 00:01:44,083
Andrew's finally gonna touch a boob.

40
00:01:44,166 --> 00:01:47,875
Oh, dreams do come true in America, boys.

41
00:01:49,916 --> 00:01:55,458
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

42
00:01:59,375 --> 00:02:05,458
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

43
00:02:05,541 --> 00:02:07,708
{\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪

44
00:02:09,208 --> 00:02:12,333
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪

45
00:02:20,666 --> 00:02:23,291
I'm telling you, Mom,
you're gonna love Bernie.

46
00:02:23,375 --> 00:02:24,833
She's like a young George Burns.

47
00:02:24,916 --> 00:02:26,500
Well, I can't wait to finally meet her.

48
00:02:26,583 --> 00:02:27,625
You can't wait to meet who?

49
00:02:27,708 --> 00:02:31,333
Andrew's friend from Vermont
is joining us for Shabbat dinner tonight.

50
00:02:31,416 --> 00:02:32,958
Shabbat? No, thank you.

51
00:02:33,041 --> 00:02:37,041
Marty, I've told you a million times.
Rabbi Paulblart is coming.

52
00:02:37,125 --> 00:02:39,500
{\an8}That putz in my home?
What, did we lose a raffle?

53
00:02:39,583 --> 00:02:41,750
{\an8}You really don't listen to a word I say.

54
00:02:41,833 --> 00:02:45,250
{\an8}If what you had to say was so important,
you'd be on my TV!

55
00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:48,625
Andrew, are they going to scream at
each other like this while Bernie's here?

56
00:02:48,708 --> 00:02:50,166
Oh, without a doubt. Why do you ask?

57
00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:52,625
Marty, I want you
on your best behavior tonight.

58
00:02:52,708 --> 00:02:55,958
The rabbi has a very demanding schedule.
We're lucky to get him.

59
00:02:56,041 --> 00:02:57,791
Who's this guy think he is, huh?

60
00:02:57,875 --> 00:03:00,041
Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews?

61
00:03:00,125 --> 00:03:01,208
[bell rings]

62
00:03:01,291 --> 00:03:04,291
{\an8}Check it out.
My secret grandpa was, like, famous.

63
00:03:04,375 --> 00:03:05,708
{\an8}Nipple twisting champion?

64
00:03:05,791 --> 00:03:08,041
-Born in Inverness.
-I'm assuming that's Scotland?

65
00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:10,083
Married to Rose MacGregor until...

66
00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:13,166
Oh, your grandma's dead, Nick.
My condolences.

67
00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:15,333
Uh, whatever.
I mean, she didn't do sports or anything.

68
00:03:15,416 --> 00:03:18,166
But Seamus, he's a fucking badass.

69
00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:21,000
And I found out
he still lives in Staten Island.

70
00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:22,458
You wanna come with me to meet him?

71
00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:26,541
Oh, I'd love to, Nick,
but actually, I'd hate to... [chuckles]

72
00:03:26,625 --> 00:03:31,166
...because tonight, I'll be busy
palpating my girlfriend's breasts.

73
00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:32,208
That rocks. Have fun.

74
00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:36,000
Yeah, just a typical Fri
for the Glouber guy. [chuckles]

75
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,500
I've never done this before.

76
00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:40,166
-The one-month anniversary's a tricky one.
-Mm-hmm.

77
00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:41,833
It's too soon for a huge gift,

78
00:03:41,916 --> 00:03:43,833
but I still want Jay to know I'm into him.

79
00:03:43,916 --> 00:03:45,375
I feel like a playlist could be cool?

80
00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,458
-Oh, that feeling is wrong.
-Oh.

81
00:03:47,541 --> 00:03:49,708
Happy anniversary, babe. [gasps]

82
00:03:49,791 --> 00:03:52,750
Oh my God! Did you get me a gay present?

83
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,500
Uh, just a regular present.

84
00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:58,375
So, what?
Do I just rip the skin off of this box?

85
00:03:58,458 --> 00:04:00,666
-It's actually called wrapping paper.
-[grunts]

86
00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:02,750
Oh, okay. Oh, be careful.

87
00:04:02,833 --> 00:04:03,750
Oh.

88
00:04:03,833 --> 00:04:09,333
-A fancy pen for Jay.
-Uh, open your fucking eyes, Jessi.

89
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,500
-It's a robot dick, obviously.
-No.

90
00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:15,750
I'm gonna suck it
until the blue juice comes out.

91
00:04:15,833 --> 00:04:17,958
Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a pen.

92
00:04:18,041 --> 00:04:20,250
-A very expensive pen.
-Oh.

93
00:04:20,333 --> 00:04:22,750
I'm sorry.
I knew I should've come shopping with you.

94
00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:25,250
I've just been so overwhelmed
with breastfeeding.

95
00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,500
-Of course.
-Montel.

96
00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:30,083
Please take Daddy's Code Red boob.
It's the one you like.

97
00:04:30,166 --> 00:04:32,333
But that nipple's all scabby now.

98
00:04:32,416 --> 00:04:34,375
Well, yeah, because you chewed it up.

99
00:04:34,458 --> 00:04:35,500
Guys, please shush.

100
00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:38,916
Matthew, let's get
this man-niversary back on track.

101
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,458
Tonight, my house will be empty,
my nuts will be full,

102
00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:45,833
and I'm gonna cook you a romantic dinner.

103
00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:47,833
That actually sounds kind of nice.

104
00:04:47,916 --> 00:04:53,083
It's gonna be so beautiful,
you're gonna squirt blue juice everywhere.

105
00:04:53,166 --> 00:04:56,916
Hey, Jessi, guess what?
I got you a robot dick too.

106
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,750
You mean a fancy pen.

107
00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:02,666
Oh no, this is 100% a dildo.
I have a dildo at school now.

108
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:06,458
Oh shit. Is that my little Monte Cristo?

109
00:05:06,541 --> 00:05:09,708
Connie Mommy. Oh, do our game.

110
00:05:09,791 --> 00:05:11,958
Bounce a baby,
bounce a baby, bounce a baby.

111
00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:13,166
Fuck, yeah.

112
00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:14,583
Mother with a mustache.

113
00:05:14,666 --> 00:05:17,416
Oh, that's fucking smart. Never change.

114
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,250
Jesus, Maury, what's wrong with you?

115
00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:21,458
Oh, I'm just so exhausted.

116
00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:22,541
I'm not sleeping.

117
00:05:22,625 --> 00:05:25,791
And Montel
won't suckle on my tig old bitties.

118
00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:28,500
-No, no.
-Please, Montel, just a sip.

119
00:05:28,583 --> 00:05:31,416
I fucking hate you and your shit face.

120
00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:34,625
Okay. You seem to have everything handled.

121
00:05:34,708 --> 00:05:36,333
I don't. I clearly don't.

122
00:05:36,416 --> 00:05:37,291
-Bye.
-Connie.

123
00:05:37,375 --> 00:05:41,166
I'm gonna punch you while you're dying.

124
00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:42,791
[cries]

125
00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:47,375
I can't believe you scored an interview
with Fran Lebowitz for your school report.

126
00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:51,500
Yep, it's pretty unbelievable,
but absolutely, completely true.

127
00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,375
Be careful, my sweet little baby bird.

128
00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:57,291
Tweet-tweet.
That's daddy bird for "you're my world."

129
00:05:57,375 --> 00:06:00,208
Ugh, I bet my grandpa
wouldn't coddle me like that.

130
00:06:00,291 --> 00:06:03,208
I mean, maybe I'm crazy
to try and find him, but... Ah!

131
00:06:03,291 --> 00:06:04,291
Nick, listen to me.

132
00:06:04,375 --> 00:06:05,416
You are not crazy.

133
00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:07,916
If I were a human mister man like you,

134
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,541
I would make the exact same choice as you.

135
00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:11,458
Okay.

136
00:06:11,541 --> 00:06:13,500
Glad that makes you feel better, my baby.

137
00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:15,791
It does not. It... It actually rattles me.

138
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,916
-All right, choo-choo time. Choo-choo.
-[train horn blows]

139
00:06:19,916 --> 00:06:23,291
Mm. Jay, it's perfectly balanced.

140
00:06:23,375 --> 00:06:27,000
Like an ice cube
sitting on top of your hard dick.

141
00:06:27,083 --> 00:06:29,375
Thanks, guys.
I just really wanna show Matthew

142
00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:32,333
that I can be classy
and sophisticated too.

143
00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:36,875
Well, I, for one,
can't wait to meet this Matthew stud.

144
00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:40,666
The four of us can build
such a steamy fuck fort together.

145
00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:45,291
Oh, I really don't think
he's a fuck fort kinda guy.

146
00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:48,041
He's, like, super fancy and clean.

147
00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:51,416
I guess, picture a... professor of soap?

148
00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,791
So, what, we're not invited?

149
00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:55,208
Are you ashamed of us?

150
00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:57,083
No, of course not.

151
00:06:57,166 --> 00:07:00,250
I... I just want this to be
Matthew's perfect night.

152
00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:04,750
-Well, can we at least watch?
-We promise we won't make a peep.

153
00:07:04,833 --> 00:07:08,000
Huh. So, you'd be watching me
and Matthew do stuff

154
00:07:08,083 --> 00:07:10,875
while you flick your little zippers?

155
00:07:10,958 --> 00:07:11,916
Yeah, Daddy.

156
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,541
I'm gonna get my stuffing
caught in the teeth.

157
00:07:14,625 --> 00:07:16,833
Oh shit. [chuckles]

158
00:07:16,916 --> 00:07:20,166
Okay. Voyeurism wolf.

159
00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,583
[all howl]

160
00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,208
[phone dings]

161
00:07:23,291 --> 00:07:24,833
-Bernie's ETA is in 15 minutes.
-[farts]

162
00:07:24,916 --> 00:07:28,375
Fifteen or 50?
Say it without farting in anticipation.

163
00:07:28,458 --> 00:07:29,541
Fifteen. One-five.

164
00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:31,250
-Oh my, that is soon.
-[farting]

165
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,541
Andrew, at the risk of more flatulence,

166
00:07:33,625 --> 00:07:35,958
I just have to say,
this could be the greatest night

167
00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:37,500
of your whole ugly little life.

168
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:40,250
Flanny, my dear, I couldn't agree more.

169
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:43,125
♪ Tonight's gonna change
My whole life story ♪

170
00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:45,875
♪ A moment of unmatched magnitude ♪

171
00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:48,750
♪ It's finally time to taste the glory ♪

172
00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,458
♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪

173
00:07:51,541 --> 00:07:54,375
♪ Gonna treat my guy so fine and fancy ♪

174
00:07:54,458 --> 00:07:57,208
♪ We'll eat off plates like royalty ♪

175
00:07:57,291 --> 00:08:00,083
♪ I'll be so suave, he'll shit his pants ♪

176
00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:02,958
♪ He won't believe it's me ♪

177
00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:05,666
♪ I'm done with my wimpy-ass family ♪

178
00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:08,458
♪ I'm taking my fate in my hands ♪

179
00:08:08,541 --> 00:08:11,500
♪ I'm sick of the coddling
And emotional swaddling ♪

180
00:08:11,583 --> 00:08:15,166
♪ Tonight I'll become a man ♪

181
00:08:15,791 --> 00:08:18,041
♪ I got a date with destiny ♪

182
00:08:18,125 --> 00:08:21,416
♪ There's no way it can't go right ♪

183
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:26,250
♪ Everything's gonna be magical tonight ♪

184
00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:32,000
♪ I'm giving this Shabbat
Everything this old girl's got ♪

185
00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:37,250
♪ I'll be
A dazzling, brisket-bearing Judaic queen ♪

186
00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,458
♪ Every rabbi's dream ♪

187
00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:44,000
♪ Oh, I got a hunch
There's good things coming ♪

188
00:08:44,083 --> 00:08:46,375
♪ The future is looking bright ♪

189
00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:48,791
♪ I'll be a manly, kick-ass dude ♪

190
00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:51,666
♪ For once, not a filthy low-class rube ♪

191
00:08:51,750 --> 00:08:54,541
♪ I'll be a boy who touched a boob ♪

192
00:08:54,625 --> 00:08:59,375
♪ After tonight ♪

193
00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:01,000
[doorbell rings]

194
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:02,583
Hi. Did I miss the song?

195
00:09:02,666 --> 00:09:04,875
You did. You just missed it. Come in.

196
00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:07,500
Okay. I guess this is it?

197
00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:11,625
I can't believe we're gonna meet
the penis that made your dad.

198
00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:12,708
[sighs]

199
00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:14,791
Who the hell are you?

200
00:09:14,875 --> 00:09:19,166
Uh, hi.
I'm actually your grandson, Nick Birch.

201
00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:20,291
-Ha!
-My dad is...

202
00:09:20,375 --> 00:09:22,500
Well, he used to be your son,
William MacGregor,

203
00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,166
but now he's Elliot Birch.

204
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:27,041
A shitty name for a shitty son.

205
00:09:27,125 --> 00:09:30,791
Right. It's a stupid made-up name.
I'm really a MacGregor.

206
00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:32,250
Ooh, are you then?

207
00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:35,333
Well, come on in, wee Nicky MacGregor.

208
00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:36,833
Should I take my shoes off?

209
00:09:36,916 --> 00:09:41,750
Shoes off? What for?
I haven't taken my shoes off in 15 years.

210
00:09:41,833 --> 00:09:43,500
Sorry, 50 or 15?

211
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,958
One-five.

212
00:09:45,041 --> 00:09:48,958
Oh, I can't believe
you're actually here in my childhood home.

213
00:09:49,041 --> 00:09:51,333
Enough pleasantries.
Brief me on boob strategy.

214
00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,708
Okay. After dinner is our best window.

215
00:09:53,791 --> 00:09:54,791
My mom will do the dishes

216
00:09:54,875 --> 00:09:56,833
while my dad
will take his big evening shit.

217
00:09:56,916 --> 00:09:58,375
That should give us ten minutes.

218
00:09:58,458 --> 00:09:59,916
Copy. Call it nine for safety.

219
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,208
If we move quickly,
it should be just enough time to...

220
00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:04,833
Run upstairs and mammogram each other raw?

221
00:10:04,916 --> 00:10:06,583
-[chuckles]
-Oh, the phrasing.

222
00:10:06,666 --> 00:10:08,666
Mm, you dazzle me.

223
00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:11,750
Jay, this dinner is to die for.

224
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:14,666
-I mean, wow, duck à l'orange.
-[laughs]

225
00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:17,125
Oh, sweet Matthew, this isn't duck.

226
00:10:17,208 --> 00:10:19,916
This is a seagull I clobbered
with a lacrosse stick.

227
00:10:20,416 --> 00:10:21,458
-Oh.
-[chuckles]

228
00:10:21,541 --> 00:10:22,625
He put up a fight.

229
00:10:22,708 --> 00:10:26,250
Well, you know what? The seagull
is delicious, and I want the recipe.

230
00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:28,375
So this date is good, and I nailed it?

231
00:10:28,458 --> 00:10:29,541
In your own words, please.

232
00:10:29,625 --> 00:10:31,208
You did great, Jay.

233
00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:33,666
-Yes.
-You're fucking killing it, Jay.

234
00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:37,250
I'm so proud, I could fuck you
till you die in my arms, bro.

235
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:41,041
Aw, thanks.
You guys are the wind beneath my balls.

236
00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:47,000
♪ Baruch ata adonai mi'kadesh ha Shabbat ♪

237
00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:48,791
Lovely blessing, Rabbi.

238
00:10:48,875 --> 00:10:50,166
Yeah, cute song. Let's eat.

239
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,083
Not yet.
The rabbi still has to bless the challah.

240
00:10:53,166 --> 00:10:54,083
Oh, who cares?

241
00:10:54,166 --> 00:10:55,791
You think God's listening to us?

242
00:10:55,875 --> 00:10:57,708
He's probably busy making a new COVID.

243
00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,500
[clears throat] Guys, we have company.

244
00:10:59,583 --> 00:11:03,500
Uh, Barbara, this brisket
smells mouth-watering.

245
00:11:03,583 --> 00:11:06,666
It's from the kosher butcher,
the one with only seven fingers.

246
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,375
Oh my God,
the price of kosher meat is obscene.

247
00:11:09,458 --> 00:11:12,000
Um, Mrs. Glouberman, this kugel is yummy.

248
00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:13,875
My family never has stuff like this.

249
00:11:13,958 --> 00:11:15,708
Yeah? Neither does ours, Bernie.

250
00:11:15,791 --> 00:11:18,125
Barbara's gone Jew-wild
for the rabbi tonight.

251
00:11:18,208 --> 00:11:19,541
Marty, it's for Shabbat.

252
00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:21,375
Oh, Barbara, since when do you care?

253
00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:25,583
Last Friday, we ate moo shu pork
in front of an all-new Madam Secretary.

254
00:11:25,666 --> 00:11:30,291
Andrew, your father's brisket-fueled rage
is kind of killing the mood with Bernie.

255
00:11:30,375 --> 00:11:33,500
I agree with Jiminy Cricket.
The vibe is bad.

256
00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,708
The vibe is always bad here, guys.

257
00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:39,625
We just need to get through dinner,
and then we can do the titty tango.

258
00:11:39,708 --> 00:11:41,250
Maury's right. We forge ahead.

259
00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:44,000
Now, I think the warm wetness
of the brisket

260
00:11:44,083 --> 00:11:46,708
might soothe my engorged bazongas.

261
00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:50,541
Ah. That feels so nice and Jewish.

262
00:11:50,625 --> 00:11:54,166
Wow, the '67 Nipple Twisting Championship.

263
00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:57,125
Isn't that when you took down
Mike "The Manicure" McNamara?

264
00:11:57,208 --> 00:12:01,250
Those sharp claws of his
were no match for my leathery teats.

265
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:03,125
-Go ahead, give them a twist.
-Really?

266
00:12:03,208 --> 00:12:05,291
You have a gun? Shoot me in the teat.

267
00:12:05,375 --> 00:12:07,666
-I won't feel a thing.
-Well, I don't have a gun, so...

268
00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:10,375
Well, you clearly know
your nipple twisting, lad.

269
00:12:10,458 --> 00:12:14,208
I wish your lousy father
had as much appreciation for the sport.

270
00:12:14,291 --> 00:12:16,291
Yeah. I mean, it's the sport of champions.

271
00:12:16,375 --> 00:12:18,958
-It should've been in the Olympics.
-In the Olympics.

272
00:12:19,041 --> 00:12:20,166
Yeah, exactly.

273
00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:22,625
You're a good shit, Nick MacGregor.

274
00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:26,416
Thank you. I am a good shit.
And so are you, Grandpa.

275
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,458
Ah.

276
00:12:27,541 --> 00:12:29,541
I'm thirsty.
You want something from the kitchen?

277
00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:30,833
Yeah, I could do a snack.

278
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,500
What are you thinking?
Uh, Pirate's Booty, LÄRABAR,

279
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,416
or do you have
any of those Babybel cheeses?

280
00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:41,250
I've got beer and oatmeal.

281
00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,625
Uh-huh.

282
00:12:42,708 --> 00:12:47,875
Nick, check it out. The cockroaches
are taking me to lunch. Whee!

283
00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,916
-[moaning]
-Ooh.

284
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,833
-Damn.
-Yes, Daddy.

285
00:12:51,916 --> 00:12:54,083
Uh, sorry, quick bathroom break.

286
00:12:54,166 --> 00:12:55,708
Don't go anywhere.

287
00:12:55,791 --> 00:12:58,583
And don't you piss too hard.

288
00:12:58,666 --> 00:12:59,500
[chuckles]

289
00:12:59,583 --> 00:13:00,583
Yo!

290
00:13:00,666 --> 00:13:02,625
It's going so well, Jay.

291
00:13:02,708 --> 00:13:06,916
Right? And I was so nervous
that seagull wouldn't die in the oven.

292
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,416
-I meant Matthew, you silly stud.
-Oh.

293
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:12,208
He seems 100% DTFF.

294
00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,750
Down to fuck fort.

295
00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:15,125
Wait, you really think so?

296
00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:19,416
Come on, bro. You know you wanna
introduce us to that blond bombshell.

297
00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:23,625
Or are you scared of having
too many perfect holes to choose from?

298
00:13:23,708 --> 00:13:25,875
Oh shit.

299
00:13:25,958 --> 00:13:28,666
Jay, did you know
there's a fish in your toilet?

300
00:13:28,750 --> 00:13:30,500
Oh. What's going on?

301
00:13:30,583 --> 00:13:33,125
We're just waiting on you, king cupcake.

302
00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:34,833
Okay.

303
00:13:34,916 --> 00:13:36,958
I don't know what to do, Rabbi.

304
00:13:37,041 --> 00:13:39,250
Sharon Krauss and Sharon Menachem

305
00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:42,541
both want to be Queen Esther
for the Purim Cabaret,

306
00:13:42,625 --> 00:13:44,708
and they're both such dynamic performers.

307
00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:48,791
Come to my office on Monday,
the three of you, and I shall mediate.

308
00:13:48,875 --> 00:13:52,166
Oh yeah. Yeah, you'll love that,
won't you, Paulblart?

309
00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:55,541
A harem of women
bowing down before the mighty rabbi.

310
00:13:55,625 --> 00:13:57,291
Marty. He's trying to help.

311
00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:58,791
Oh boy, this is stressful.

312
00:13:58,875 --> 00:14:00,666
Oh, this is... This is normal.

313
00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:04,208
I'd be concerned if they weren't screaming
at each other like maniacs.

314
00:14:04,291 --> 00:14:07,375
I'm so sorry, Rabbi.
I just wanted a nice Shabbat.

315
00:14:07,458 --> 00:14:11,000
Nay, nay, nay, you should take
very much pride in this meal.

316
00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:14,541
Oh, what the hell does "nay" mean?
You wanna say no, say no.

317
00:14:14,625 --> 00:14:16,750
And you, Marty, you should take pride

318
00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:20,000
in your beautiful wife's devotion
to Judaism.

319
00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:23,708
That's very kind, Rabbi.
It's nice to be appreciated.

320
00:14:23,791 --> 00:14:25,541
Hey, I appreciate you.

321
00:14:25,625 --> 00:14:27,000
You most certainly do not.

322
00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,500
If I appreciated you more, I'd vomit.

323
00:14:29,583 --> 00:14:31,041
-Andrew...
-It's fine.

324
00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:33,750
It's just turbulence.
They're gonna land the plane.

325
00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:36,000
I don't know why I thought
this was a good idea.

326
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,583
No tears, Barbara,
for this was a lovely Shabbat,

327
00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:42,625
whether your husband
appreciates it or not.

328
00:14:42,708 --> 00:14:43,750
Thank you, Rabbi.

329
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:46,125
You're as kind as you are wise.

330
00:14:46,208 --> 00:14:47,250
Hey, Paulblart.

331
00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,125
-You schtupping my wife?
-What?

332
00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,500
-What?
-Marty!

333
00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:52,208
[laughs] Oh shit.

334
00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,583
Oh shit, indeed.

335
00:14:54,666 --> 00:14:55,750
Uh, you know what?

336
00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:59,125
I'm actually gonna pass on the beer
and dirty oatmeal sludge,

337
00:14:59,208 --> 00:15:00,625
but, uh, thanks a mil.

338
00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:02,708
A little fuss-boy, eh? Ha!

339
00:15:02,791 --> 00:15:05,625
I see your father in you now, Nick Birch.

340
00:15:05,708 --> 00:15:07,250
No, I'm Nick MacGregor.

341
00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:11,125
And I'm not fussy, but do you have
just a spoon without bird shit on it?

342
00:15:11,208 --> 00:15:12,541
I do not.

343
00:15:12,625 --> 00:15:14,291
Don't do it, man. I'm telling you,

344
00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:17,166
bird shit does not taste
as good as it looks.

345
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,083
But I have to.

346
00:15:18,166 --> 00:15:19,708
This is what men do,

347
00:15:19,791 --> 00:15:21,791
awful, disgusting things.

348
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:25,833
Uh...

349
00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:27,333
[Seamus] Go on.

350
00:15:27,416 --> 00:15:29,958
What's wrong with you?
Stick it in your mouth.

351
00:15:31,958 --> 00:15:34,666
Oh yeah.
You can really taste the bird shit.

352
00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:37,041
Good boy. Now, finish the bowl.

353
00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:39,416
We don't waste beer in this house.

354
00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:43,750
Okay, yeah.
This is actually pretty good bird shit.

355
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:46,625
Matthew, it is my very horny pleasure

356
00:15:46,708 --> 00:15:51,291
to introduce you to Brad Polumbo
and Suzette Saint James.

357
00:15:51,375 --> 00:15:53,250
[chuckles] Hello, folks.

358
00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:54,750
Hello, gorgeous.

359
00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:56,291
Enchanté, bro.

360
00:15:56,375 --> 00:16:00,083
The three of us have been
sensual collaborators

361
00:16:00,166 --> 00:16:02,791
for, what, over a year now, guys?

362
00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:05,875
Time flies
when you're getting railed superbly.

363
00:16:05,958 --> 00:16:08,208
Uh, Jay, what is happening, exactly?

364
00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:11,041
I just thought it might be fun

365
00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:16,166
for all of my lovers to maybe,
I don't know, share each other's bodies?

366
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:17,208
Okay...

367
00:16:17,291 --> 00:16:21,208
So, maybe, start by picking a partner.

368
00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:23,083
Ooh, pick me, Daddy.

369
00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:24,500
No, no, no. Me, bro.

370
00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:25,625
[Matthew] Oh, gosh.

371
00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:27,416
[chuckles] I don't know.

372
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,875
I guess I'll take
this little one that's crunchy.

373
00:16:30,958 --> 00:16:33,458
Ooh-la-la, the lovely lady.

374
00:16:33,541 --> 00:16:35,125
[chuckles] You're full of surprises.

375
00:16:35,208 --> 00:16:37,375
So, what do I do with it?

376
00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:40,250
-It?
-Jesus Christ, Matthew, she has a name.

377
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,291
Suzette Saint James.

378
00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:44,375
Of the Atlantic City Saint Jameses.

379
00:16:44,458 --> 00:16:45,458
Okay, I'm sorry.

380
00:16:45,541 --> 00:16:47,166
Uh, can we press pause?

381
00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:49,541
We can agree
these are just pillows, right?

382
00:16:49,625 --> 00:16:50,708
Oh, uh...

383
00:16:50,791 --> 00:16:52,208
Just pillows, bro?

384
00:16:52,291 --> 00:16:55,000
I'm a beloved child of God,
just like anyone else.

385
00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:56,833
-Tell him, Jay.
-I mean...

386
00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,791
[hesitates] Of course
they're just pillows.

387
00:16:58,875 --> 00:16:59,958
What the fuck?

388
00:17:00,041 --> 00:17:01,291
Et tu, bro Jay?

389
00:17:01,375 --> 00:17:04,166
[chuckles] Okay. Oh, thank God.

390
00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:05,750
Sorry, no. It was a funny joke.

391
00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:08,791
Yeah, a joke. Not a savage betrayal.

392
00:17:08,875 --> 00:17:10,708
-Holy shit.
-This is unbelievable.

393
00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:12,958
Now, uh, where... where were we?

394
00:17:13,041 --> 00:17:14,125
Oh my God.

395
00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:16,875
I'm gonna cry for the first time
since my dad died.

396
00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:19,916
Rest in power, Alfonse Polumbo.

397
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,791
[Barbara] What is wrong with you, Marty?

398
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:25,541
Of course I'm not sleeping with the Rabbi.
I would never.

399
00:17:25,625 --> 00:17:29,208
And nor do I feel any attraction
to Barbara. Nay, nay, nay.

400
00:17:29,291 --> 00:17:32,666
I am only aroused by very muscular women,

401
00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:35,291
much more muscular
than you're picturing right now.

402
00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,375
If nothing's going on,
then how come you're spending

403
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,291
so much time at the synagogue
all of a sudden?

404
00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:40,708
Oh, what a fun guy.

405
00:17:40,791 --> 00:17:43,250
Does anyone want some wine,
a glass of seltzer?

406
00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:44,625
A gulp of my breast soda?

407
00:17:44,708 --> 00:17:48,083
No, your tits taste like piss.

408
00:17:48,166 --> 00:17:51,125
I'm sorry you think
so little of me, Marty.

409
00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:52,375
But believe it or not,

410
00:17:52,458 --> 00:17:55,458
I don't go to the synagogue
for some cheap affair.

411
00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:58,125
I go because it gives me purpose.

412
00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:00,583
That, I will not apologize for.

413
00:18:00,666 --> 00:18:02,958
That, I need you to respect.

414
00:18:04,791 --> 00:18:07,000
Nope. Sounds like
you're schtupping the rabbi.

415
00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:08,166
-Sweet Jesus.
-Oh, Marty.

416
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:09,083
Oy vavoy.

417
00:18:09,166 --> 00:18:11,541
I... I don't think I can be here right now.

418
00:18:11,625 --> 00:18:13,416
What? Where the hell
do you think you're going?

419
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,500
-I'm sorry, sweetie.
-Mama.

420
00:18:15,583 --> 00:18:17,041
Shabbat Shalom, Rabbi.

421
00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:18,833
Dad's just kidding. Right?

422
00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,500
-Tell her you're kidding.
-She's not going anywhere.

423
00:18:21,583 --> 00:18:22,875
Uh, she's getting in the car.

424
00:18:22,958 --> 00:18:24,291
It's all a big bluff.

425
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:26,083
Uh, she's driving away.

426
00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,583
And she's giving the house
the middle finger.

427
00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:30,583
Yeah... She'll... She'll be back.

428
00:18:30,666 --> 00:18:32,833
Marriages, Marty, are very difficult...

429
00:18:32,916 --> 00:18:34,125
Oh, you shut the hell up.

430
00:18:34,208 --> 00:18:37,708
You better be out of my house
by the time I finish my big evening shit.

431
00:18:37,791 --> 00:18:39,625
You got nine minutes and 50 seconds.

432
00:18:39,708 --> 00:18:42,500
I'm sorry, did you say 50 or 15?

433
00:18:42,583 --> 00:18:43,833
Five-O.

434
00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:46,083
Uh, I guess that's our cue to go upstairs?

435
00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,416
Really? Are you sure?

436
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,083
Yes, we're sure. Our window is closing.

437
00:18:49,166 --> 00:18:51,541
How can you think about Bernie's bosom

438
00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:54,375
when your sweet mother's bosom
just walked out the door?

439
00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:56,000
Flanny, tonight's the night.

440
00:18:56,083 --> 00:18:57,041
You heard the song.

441
00:18:57,125 --> 00:18:59,416
♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪

442
00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:00,333
[chuckles]

443
00:19:00,416 --> 00:19:01,375
Come on, Bernie.

444
00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:03,875
We're doing this
whether we like it or not.

445
00:19:04,583 --> 00:19:05,416
Mm.

446
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:06,333
Tasty.

447
00:19:06,416 --> 00:19:09,458
Not exactly how I pictured
having my first beer, but you know...

448
00:19:09,541 --> 00:19:11,166
I've gotta piss. Hand me that can.

449
00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:12,708
-What?
-Hurry, it's coming.

450
00:19:12,791 --> 00:19:15,583
-Okay, what are you gonna do with the can?
-Turn around, over there. Go!

451
00:19:15,666 --> 00:19:16,500
Are you...

452
00:19:17,166 --> 00:19:19,083
What the hell? Don't you have a bathroom?

453
00:19:19,166 --> 00:19:22,958
Don't give me your sass, boy.
Toilets are for grandpa's chocolate.

454
00:19:23,041 --> 00:19:25,375
Oh, you just ruined chocolate for me.

455
00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:28,541
Sorry to offend
your delicate sensibilities.

456
00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:32,333
Ew, the cockroaches are laying eggs
on my bird-shit spoon.

457
00:19:32,416 --> 00:19:35,083
-[grunts]
-Oh, babe, I love you so much right now.

458
00:19:35,166 --> 00:19:36,041
Hey. Fuck off.

459
00:19:36,125 --> 00:19:37,291
Oh!

460
00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:39,541
Oh, you threw the piss can.

461
00:19:39,625 --> 00:19:41,875
I told you,
we don't waste beer in this house.

462
00:19:41,958 --> 00:19:43,500
Okay, I thought he was cool,

463
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,958
but now I think
he might just be fucking crazy.

464
00:19:46,041 --> 00:19:50,541
It's a fine line, man, and I walk
that tightrope every day. [chuckles]

465
00:19:50,625 --> 00:19:53,083
-He makes good lemonade, though.
-Ugh.

466
00:19:53,166 --> 00:19:56,666
Well, Mr. MacGregor,
very weird meeting you,

467
00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:59,250
-but I think I gotta skedaddle.
-What? You just got here.

468
00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:02,916
Yeah, and you just threw your piss at me,
so, uh, goodbye.

469
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,958
Oh, I see. You're just like your father.

470
00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:08,041
Running away when you get scared.

471
00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:10,791
Yeah, I'm scared,
because you're fucking scary.

472
00:20:10,875 --> 00:20:12,208
And your oatmeal sucks.

473
00:20:12,291 --> 00:20:14,208
Get back here, you spoiled brat!

474
00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:15,208
Ah! Leave me alone.

475
00:20:15,291 --> 00:20:18,333
Stay here. Oh, you dirty, fucking bastard.

476
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:19,666
[screams]

477
00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:22,541
-Holy shit.
-Christ, my fucking ankle.

478
00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:25,458
I was wrong. You're not a good shit.

479
00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:28,500
You're a bad, prickly, hard shit.

480
00:20:28,583 --> 00:20:30,125
Fuck. Oh fuck.

481
00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:32,375
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

482
00:20:32,458 --> 00:20:33,375
[phone rings]

483
00:20:33,458 --> 00:20:34,916
Birch residence, I love you.

484
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,833
Dad? I'm in trouble.
Can you please come get me?

485
00:20:37,916 --> 00:20:38,833
Oh no.

486
00:20:38,916 --> 00:20:41,541
Did you ask Fran Lebowitz
when she's gonna write another book?

487
00:20:41,625 --> 00:20:42,666
She hates that, Nicky.

488
00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:45,375
No, I lied to you. There's no interview.

489
00:20:45,458 --> 00:20:48,708
I don't even know who Fran Lebowitz is.
I just made up a random Jewish name.

490
00:20:48,791 --> 00:20:52,666
Well, Fran Lebowitz started out as
a radical magazine writer in the 1970s...

491
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:55,791
Dad. Shut up. I went to Staten Island
to find your father.

492
00:20:55,875 --> 00:20:58,041
-What?
-[Nick] But it was such a bad idea.

493
00:20:58,125 --> 00:21:00,625
He chased me around
and made me drink beer and eat bird shit.

494
00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:03,625
And now I'm trapped in his bedroom.
Can you please come get me?

495
00:21:03,708 --> 00:21:05,500
Don't you worry.
I'll be there in 50 minutes.

496
00:21:05,583 --> 00:21:07,041
Fifty or 15?

497
00:21:07,125 --> 00:21:08,791
No time for callbacks, Nicky.

498
00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:10,291
Okay, right this way.

499
00:21:10,375 --> 00:21:12,208
Now we still have
a few minutes of fondling time

500
00:21:12,291 --> 00:21:14,125
while my dad is punishing our plumbing.

501
00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:16,208
I mean, yeah, I'm still down, if you are.

502
00:21:16,291 --> 00:21:18,166
Why wouldn't I be down?

503
00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:20,125
Andrew's mom. Andrew's mom.

504
00:21:20,208 --> 00:21:22,000
-Flanny, please.
-When are you coming home?

505
00:21:22,083 --> 00:21:23,958
-Get a hold of yourself.
-Please come home to us.

506
00:21:24,041 --> 00:21:26,333
Just ignore him. Juice her nectarines.

507
00:21:26,416 --> 00:21:28,708
And you don't mind if I pump
while you're at it, right?

508
00:21:28,791 --> 00:21:30,583
Andrew, are you sure you're okay?

509
00:21:30,666 --> 00:21:34,541
Are you kidding?
I'm about to honk second base, right?

510
00:21:34,625 --> 00:21:37,666
Okay. Come and get 'em.

511
00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,666
-Where did she go?
-Yes...

512
00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:40,708
We need you now.

513
00:21:41,291 --> 00:21:43,958
Oh, my breasts.

514
00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,333
[Andrew cries]

515
00:21:45,416 --> 00:21:48,125
Why is the world so cruel?

516
00:21:48,208 --> 00:21:51,083
Okay, maybe you need just, like, a minute?

517
00:21:51,166 --> 00:21:52,583
I could give you some privacy.

518
00:21:52,666 --> 00:21:55,000
[crying] No, Mommy, please don't go!

519
00:21:55,083 --> 00:21:56,375
[crying] Andrew's mom!

520
00:21:56,458 --> 00:21:59,458
I don't know what's gonna happen
to my lousy family.

521
00:21:59,541 --> 00:22:02,583
[crying] And I don't know how to be
a good daddy to my child.

522
00:22:02,666 --> 00:22:05,208
I am also crying too.

523
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:08,708
I'm sorry, Bernie, I'm crying so much.

524
00:22:08,791 --> 00:22:10,791
-Oh, that's okay.
-[sniffles]

525
00:22:10,875 --> 00:22:11,833
I'm pretty scared.

526
00:22:11,916 --> 00:22:14,000
That's okay too. Come here.

527
00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:18,083
Thanks. I'm going to get more snot
on your shirt than you think.

528
00:22:18,166 --> 00:22:22,125
And I'm a shitty titty failure,
and I don't deserve happiness.

529
00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:25,083
Oh, hey, you're a good daddy.

530
00:22:25,166 --> 00:22:27,166
I mean, you're doing your best.

531
00:22:27,250 --> 00:22:30,166
I'm just a finicky little asshole.
That's all.

532
00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:32,166
Oh, I love you, Montel.

533
00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:34,041
And I love you, Bernie.

534
00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:35,416
-[Maury and Flanny] What?
-What?

535
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:36,416
Oh shit.

536
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,750
Oh, wow. I love you too.

537
00:22:38,833 --> 00:22:40,958
-Oh, you do?
-I really do.

538
00:22:41,041 --> 00:22:43,333
[laughs] No fucking way.

539
00:22:43,416 --> 00:22:46,791
Thank Jesus Christ
and all 12 of his roomies.

540
00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:49,166
Oh, this is fantastic.

541
00:22:49,250 --> 00:22:51,041
Hey, fellas, just to ask.

542
00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:53,250
-Does this count as boob touching?
-Of course it does.

543
00:22:53,333 --> 00:22:56,041
-No, bud, and I know you know that.
-It does. It absolutely does.

544
00:22:56,125 --> 00:22:58,833
-No, no, no. Come on. You know it doesn't.
-Maury, it counts.

545
00:22:58,916 --> 00:22:59,916
Flanny.

546
00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:03,083
[grunting]

547
00:23:03,958 --> 00:23:06,000
Well, I'll be a dad of a bitch.

548
00:23:06,083 --> 00:23:07,125
Where's Nicky?

549
00:23:07,208 --> 00:23:09,833
Dad? Oh, thank God. Can we please go home?

550
00:23:09,916 --> 00:23:12,833
He threw his piss can at me,
and the piss was really hot.

551
00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:16,833
[groans] Your boy's more of a wimp
than you ever were.

552
00:23:16,916 --> 00:23:17,791
[grunts]

553
00:23:17,875 --> 00:23:21,416
What's wrong?
Nothing to say to your old man?

554
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:24,083
Only that Nicky
was never supposed to know you.

555
00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:25,875
And I wish I never had.

556
00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:28,833
You were so right about him, Dad.

557
00:23:28,916 --> 00:23:30,541
What a demented old goat.

558
00:23:30,625 --> 00:23:33,000
I hope all the maggots in there
eat his face off.

559
00:23:33,083 --> 00:23:36,041
Maggots? And did you say something
about piss cans?

560
00:23:36,125 --> 00:23:38,666
Ugh, yes. He goes in the beer cans,

561
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,916
and then there's no system
for telling the piss and the beer apart.

562
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,916
Like, get a label maker, Seamus.
Fuck you. Rot and die.

563
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,416
-[grunts]
-Oh.

564
00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:48,416
Oh no.

565
00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:50,625
-Dad? What are you doing?
-[sighs]

566
00:23:50,708 --> 00:23:52,625
-We can't leave him like this.
-Why not?

567
00:23:52,708 --> 00:23:55,416
Because we're Birches.
That means we have compassion

568
00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,083
and we do the right thing,
even when it's difficult.

569
00:23:58,166 --> 00:24:00,125
It also means we have small penises,

570
00:24:00,208 --> 00:24:02,916
but we compensate
by performing dynamite cunnilingus.

571
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:03,833
Okay...

572
00:24:03,916 --> 00:24:05,916
Oh, Nicky,
you might not understand this yet,

573
00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,375
but it's a lot harder to be a Birch
than a MacGregor.

574
00:24:09,458 --> 00:24:12,541
It's even harder to be a pimp,
like the song says,

575
00:24:12,625 --> 00:24:16,166
but in reality, I think
it's much harder to be a prostitute.

576
00:24:16,250 --> 00:24:17,916
Oh, I'm sorry, I... I forgot.

577
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,750
We're supposed to call them
"flight attendants" now.

578
00:24:21,458 --> 00:24:25,958
Boob fondling or no, Andrew,
you groped real love tonight.

579
00:24:26,041 --> 00:24:27,750
But your father, on the other hand...

580
00:24:27,833 --> 00:24:29,875
Hey, uh, Dad?

581
00:24:29,958 --> 00:24:30,916
Are you okay?

582
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,083
Yeah, how come all of a sudden,
we're not enough for her anymore?

583
00:24:34,166 --> 00:24:38,041
I... I think maybe
she just wants a little appreciation?

584
00:24:38,125 --> 00:24:39,458
She wants it all.

585
00:24:39,541 --> 00:24:43,083
Who does she think she is,
Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews?

586
00:24:43,166 --> 00:24:44,583
-But, Dad.
-No, get out of here.

587
00:24:44,666 --> 00:24:47,458
Go to bed. You're making me miss
my pet medication commercial.

588
00:24:47,541 --> 00:24:50,166
[woman on TV] Your pets can't tell you
when they're not feeling well.

589
00:24:50,250 --> 00:24:52,708
These cats don't look sick. They're fine.

590
00:24:53,291 --> 00:24:57,416
How could you, Jay?
I've never felt so betrayed.

591
00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:01,291
It's like a dagger to my dick, bro,
and not the good kind.

592
00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:03,333
Will you guys please shut up?

593
00:25:03,416 --> 00:25:06,666
-Jay, is everything okay?
-Everything's great. Why do you ask?

594
00:25:06,750 --> 00:25:08,833
Okay. Is tonight ruined?

595
00:25:08,916 --> 00:25:11,458
Did I mess it up with Suzette and Chad?

596
00:25:11,541 --> 00:25:12,666
-I'm sorry, Chad?

597
00:25:12,750 --> 00:25:15,333
-Yeah, you did.
-That's so different from Brad.

598
00:25:15,416 --> 00:25:17,166
Matthew, don't be ridiculous.

599
00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:20,250
They're just pillows.
And you are my real-life boyfriend.

600
00:25:20,333 --> 00:25:23,750
Well, that's obvious,
but it's still nice to hear.

601
00:25:23,833 --> 00:25:26,416
And I guess, you know,

602
00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:31,291
the time has come
to leave behind childish sex cushions.

603
00:25:31,375 --> 00:25:33,833
Yeah, I think so. [moans]

604
00:25:33,916 --> 00:25:35,458
I can't fucking believe it.

605
00:25:35,541 --> 00:25:37,791
This is just like in Toy Story 3,

606
00:25:37,875 --> 00:25:40,583
when Andy
didn't want to fuck his toys no more.

607
00:25:41,250 --> 00:25:42,958
Goodbye, Jay.

608
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:46,166
You'll always be real to us, bro.

609
00:25:47,041 --> 00:25:49,791
Farewell, my sweet fuck pillows.

610
00:25:49,875 --> 00:25:51,250
Farewell.

611
00:25:52,666 --> 00:25:54,583
♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪

612
00:25:55,291 --> 00:25:57,333
♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪

613
00:25:57,416 --> 00:25:59,000
♪ You have been the one ♪

614
00:25:59,916 --> 00:26:02,000
♪ You have been the one for me ♪

615
00:26:02,791 --> 00:26:04,583
♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪

616
00:26:05,083 --> 00:26:07,458
♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪

617
00:26:07,541 --> 00:26:09,000
♪ You have been the one ♪

618
00:26:10,041 --> 00:26:12,458
♪ You have been the one for me ♪

619
00:26:17,583 --> 00:26:19,000
♪ I am a dreamer ♪

620
00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:21,583
♪ And when I wake ♪

621
00:26:22,583 --> 00:26:24,666
♪ You can't break my spirit ♪

622
00:26:25,166 --> 00:26:27,000
♪ It's my dreams you take ♪

623
00:26:27,583 --> 00:26:29,500
♪ And as you move on ♪

624
00:26:29,583 --> 00:26:31,000
♪ Remember me ♪