1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,980 Good night, sweet heart. 2 00:00:03,460 --> 00:00:07,040 All my prayers are for you. 3 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:10,540 Good night, sweet heart. 4 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:14,720 I'll be watching over you. 5 00:00:15,000 --> 00:00:20,860 Tears and parting may make us alone. 6 00:00:21,940 --> 00:00:24,660 But with the dawn, 7 00:00:25,420 --> 00:00:28,420 a new day is born. 8 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:34,260 Go on, then. I can't. I feel silly. 9 00:00:34,780 --> 00:00:37,140 There's no one around. Go on. You're sure? 10 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:27,820 Don't seem natural to me, throwing up a drink before you've even swallowed it. 11 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:32,160 Gary, Reg, you will not believe who I've just booked for the club on Thursday 12 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:35,560 night. You've persuaded Gypsy Rosalie to include us in the British leg of her 13 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:36,419 European tour? 14 00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:40,040 Silly. I've got something even better than Gypsy Rosalie. Yes, I know you 15 00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:41,120 but not in front of Reg. 16 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,480 I've just persuaded Noel to come and do one of his turns. 17 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:46,360 His turns? 18 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:47,800 His cabaret stuff. 19 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,040 It'll be here on Thursday. 20 00:01:49,160 --> 00:01:52,760 He knows we'll get a sophisticated Cleon telling here, so he's promised to 21 00:01:52,760 --> 00:01:53,760 tailor his act accordingly. 22 00:01:54,380 --> 00:01:56,400 Probably won't be sawing a showgirl in half, then. 23 00:01:56,780 --> 00:01:57,780 No. 24 00:02:00,300 --> 00:02:01,300 Look, 25 00:02:01,980 --> 00:02:03,040 Harry. Yeah? 26 00:02:03,800 --> 00:02:06,880 I won't disturb you, will I, if I just sit here and read my book? 27 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,320 No, no, of course not. Good. 28 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:14,140 Because there's nothing like a good book if they're opening those covers full of 29 00:02:14,140 --> 00:02:18,980 promise, then turning to the first page, ready to go on a journey wherever the 30 00:02:18,980 --> 00:02:21,520 writer takes you, completely at his or her command. 31 00:02:21,780 --> 00:02:24,960 Stop! Yeah, can you just read a little more quietly? 32 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:26,380 Drowning out John Molson. 33 00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:30,140 Well, I'm sorry, Gary, but I think this is a little bit more important than the 34 00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:31,320 fate of Arsenal Football Club. 35 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,820 More important than the Arsenal? 36 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:36,980 I didn't realise there was a meteor on collision course with the Earth. 37 00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:40,480 If you must know... Yeah, can you tell me later, now? 38 00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:47,900 If you must know, I've been selected as the judge for a very prestigious book 39 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:50,920 prize, the Hanbury Truman Award for non -fiction. 40 00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:52,480 You? Why? 41 00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:53,999 Why not? 42 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:56,600 They clearly needed a woman of taste, culture and refinement. 43 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,720 Actually, it was busy, so they picked you. 44 00:03:00,020 --> 00:03:02,080 The judging panel is made up of all sorts. 45 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:06,660 Academics, celebrities, business people and Jeremy Paxman. 46 00:03:07,820 --> 00:03:11,620 The last book you read all the way through was Slapper by Edwina Curry. 47 00:03:12,600 --> 00:03:15,220 I don't normally get the time to do all the reading I'd like. 48 00:03:15,740 --> 00:03:19,500 Which is actually an advantage, because I come to this competition untainted 49 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,300 by... By ever having picked up a book. 50 00:03:22,020 --> 00:03:25,800 The problem is, which one to start with? I mean, the wealth of subjects is 51 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:26,800 amazing. 52 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,360 Tarzan 2000, how to be a swinger in the dating jungle. 53 00:03:32,140 --> 00:03:34,820 And the author who bought you foreplay for dummies. 54 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,380 Bravo 2 -0, the magic eye version. 55 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,600 Michael Palin from Earth to the Moon. 56 00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,760 Yeah, well, I think this is Gary Sparrow from Penthouse to Pub. 57 00:03:45,980 --> 00:03:48,500 Oh, don't worry, it won't disturb you. I'll take one of these onto the balcony 58 00:03:48,500 --> 00:03:49,500 and start reading. 59 00:03:50,060 --> 00:03:51,820 Noel Coward, he was interesting, wasn't he? 60 00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:55,280 Yeah, he was, as long as you kept him off the subject of Mediterranean men. 61 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:56,840 What? 62 00:03:57,140 --> 00:03:58,140 Nothing. 63 00:03:58,660 --> 00:03:59,720 Oh, I've got it. 64 00:04:00,240 --> 00:04:01,159 Who's that? 65 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:03,300 Probably Ron. Said he might come round and watch the game. 66 00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,440 I'll leave you two to bathe in your own testosterone. 67 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:13,160 Don't disturb me. I am judging. 68 00:04:15,540 --> 00:04:16,539 How's it going? 69 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:20,700 Terrible. I thought I was over Flick. I mean, it's been three months. 70 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:23,040 But the thought of her keeps eating away at me. 71 00:04:23,340 --> 00:04:27,620 What if she was my soul mate? What if each person in his entire life only has 72 00:04:27,620 --> 00:04:28,620 one soul mate? 73 00:04:28,740 --> 00:04:31,280 Well, that's obviously nonsense, isn't it? I mean... 74 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:32,600 I've got two. 75 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:37,280 It's hardly reassuring, Gary, implying that it does that my other perfect 76 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:41,600 partner is likely to be Helen of Troy, Saint Joan, or Xena, Warrior Princess. 77 00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,620 Actually, I'd settle for Xena. 78 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:47,560 It's just a question of getting back on the horse, mate. 79 00:04:47,940 --> 00:04:50,800 And I think I have just found your riding manual. 80 00:04:52,340 --> 00:04:55,720 Tarzan 2000, how to be a swinger in the dating jungle. 81 00:04:56,300 --> 00:04:57,300 Oh, thanks, Gary. 82 00:04:57,580 --> 00:05:00,240 This is really going to change my life without it. 83 00:05:01,710 --> 00:05:02,710 Can I have this? 84 00:05:03,910 --> 00:05:07,470 Yeah, you might as well. It's the best one in the box. I mean, you need to book 85 00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:09,250 about an old coward. I live next door to him. 86 00:05:11,570 --> 00:05:12,570 Good Lord. 87 00:05:13,350 --> 00:05:15,670 I never knew he'd done that. Little devil. 88 00:05:16,770 --> 00:05:18,150 Where do I see him again? 89 00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:20,870 Meeting your mate. 90 00:05:21,930 --> 00:05:23,730 How to avoid jungle breath. 91 00:05:25,770 --> 00:05:29,050 Don't be a cheater. It's like this guy's been following me around. 92 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,980 You know, this book could really help me. 93 00:05:32,340 --> 00:05:34,400 That's why it's been nominated for an award, I expect. 94 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,260 I mean, they don't just pick these things up, but... Oh, bugger. 95 00:05:38,760 --> 00:05:41,560 But, sir, this book has pictures. 96 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:43,860 Well, you normally only read books like that. 97 00:05:44,980 --> 00:05:47,560 Pictures of Noel from his life. 98 00:05:47,940 --> 00:05:49,300 In a biography, fancy. 99 00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:51,880 Age 113. 100 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:54,160 Oh, bugger. 101 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,480 Noel relaxes with close personal friend Gary Sparrow, March 1945. 102 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:01,460 This is awful. 103 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,140 It certainly is. It makes you look like an anorexic twiggler. 104 00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:06,120 Not the picture. 105 00:06:06,380 --> 00:06:10,460 The fact that it's dated. The fact that I'm being cuddled by Noel Coward. The 106 00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:13,080 fact that it was taken 17 years before I was born. 107 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:15,740 That will be hard to explain when Yvonne sees it. 108 00:06:16,300 --> 00:06:17,300 Hard to explain? 109 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,380 Lipstick on your collar is hard to explain. 110 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,260 Calling out another woman's name in bed is hard to explain. 111 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,760 Appearing in a photograph taken two decades before you were born is a 112 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:26,760 zone. 113 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,860 She's going to contact the publisher, she's going to authenticate the picture, 114 00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:34,120 then she's going to find out about the time travel, about Phoebe, about my son. 115 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:35,940 Or you could lose the book. 116 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:39,440 What? Get rid of it. 117 00:06:39,860 --> 00:06:41,600 That way she'll never see the picture. 118 00:06:43,420 --> 00:06:44,420 Yes, genius. 119 00:06:44,820 --> 00:06:47,260 Of course, there's so many other books for her to get through, she'll never 120 00:06:47,260 --> 00:06:48,260 notice if one's missing. 121 00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:51,940 The illustrated history of pockets is really boring. 122 00:06:52,380 --> 00:06:53,960 Have you seen that Noel Coward book? 123 00:07:04,250 --> 00:07:05,410 Reading a bit fast, are you? 124 00:07:06,090 --> 00:07:07,090 How do you mean? 125 00:07:07,210 --> 00:07:10,070 Well, you know, you're supposed to be judging that poor bloke's book. You 126 00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:12,450 be considering every word, every phrase, every comma. 127 00:07:13,210 --> 00:07:15,250 Is the typeface sympathetic to the content? 128 00:07:15,550 --> 00:07:17,150 Are the page numbers centred properly? 129 00:07:17,350 --> 00:07:20,090 You should be reading each page at least six times minimum. 130 00:07:21,270 --> 00:07:22,430 Don't be a pillock, Gary. 131 00:07:25,590 --> 00:07:26,730 What shall we talk about, eh? 132 00:07:27,190 --> 00:07:31,410 We never talk any more, do we? Remember when we first met? God, we talked and 133 00:07:31,410 --> 00:07:33,010 talked and talked. Do you remember that? 134 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:36,200 I remember you begging me for sex. 135 00:07:38,420 --> 00:07:40,640 Yeah, you see, we never do that anymore, do we? 136 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,820 OK, tonight I'll let you beg me for sex, all right? 137 00:07:45,780 --> 00:07:47,820 Right now, I'm reading. 138 00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:50,220 OK. 139 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,280 It's nearly dinner time, isn't it? I'll help you in the kitchen, if you like. 140 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:56,640 That's all right, I've ordered pizza. 141 00:07:57,140 --> 00:07:59,240 If it doesn't turn up in the next two minutes, it's free. 142 00:08:00,420 --> 00:08:01,420 Oh. 143 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:04,540 But have you put plates in the oven? 144 00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:07,200 No. Oh, Gary, would you? 145 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:12,280 Oh, well, I would, Yvonne. I really would, only, um, I don't want to. 146 00:08:14,500 --> 00:08:20,440 What? Well, we've got so many plates. You know, I'll only get the wrong ones, 147 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:22,140 wouldn't I? If you do it, I'll hold you back. 148 00:08:22,940 --> 00:08:25,960 If you were any more useless, you'd have your own page on the Innovations 149 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:26,960 catalogue. 150 00:08:50,910 --> 00:08:52,070 No, I don't think so. 151 00:08:54,250 --> 00:08:55,330 Then where is it? 152 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:57,570 What? 153 00:08:58,650 --> 00:08:59,650 My book. 154 00:09:00,930 --> 00:09:01,930 What book? 155 00:09:02,850 --> 00:09:07,490 The book that I didn't see you just underarm bowl from the sixth floor of 156 00:09:07,490 --> 00:09:09,030 building. Where is it? 157 00:09:11,570 --> 00:09:13,690 Um... Pizza! 158 00:09:14,230 --> 00:09:16,390 Get it? You find my book. 159 00:09:31,850 --> 00:09:34,110 Mr Bannister, he lives downstairs. Oh, pleased to meet you. 160 00:09:34,470 --> 00:09:35,790 Sorry about the mess. 161 00:09:36,250 --> 00:09:38,910 I've been looking for something. We've lost it, you see. I have turned this 162 00:09:38,910 --> 00:09:40,990 place upside down. I've looked everywhere, honestly. 163 00:09:41,470 --> 00:09:42,470 Everywhere. 164 00:09:42,630 --> 00:09:44,310 Except on Mr Bannister's head. 165 00:09:46,450 --> 00:09:51,610 Sorry? I was walking my dog Freckles downstairs, minding my own business, 166 00:09:51,610 --> 00:09:54,770 suddenly something hit me on my head. Look! 167 00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:02,640 I've never had a crossword with anyone in this building. I like to think I'm 168 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,220 rather popular. Why would anyone throw literature at me? 169 00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,500 I'm at a loss to explain. How do you know it's our book, anyway? 170 00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,860 I've stuck a frontispiece on every book, Gary. 171 00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:15,840 This book belongs to Baroness Sparrow of Lombard. 172 00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:19,940 I'll have to get them reprinted now. This book belongs to Baroness Sparrow 173 00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:21,760 should not be hurled from high buildings. 174 00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:23,280 What? 175 00:10:23,860 --> 00:10:26,900 Do you think I had something to do with this poor man's accident? 176 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:28,300 I'm going to have to put you on... 177 00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:32,600 You'll be hearing from my lawyers. And there is your book. 178 00:10:32,940 --> 00:10:33,940 Thank you. 179 00:10:34,180 --> 00:10:38,700 Yes, shall I just... And I assure you, I will not let my husband get his hands 180 00:10:38,700 --> 00:10:39,700 on it again. 181 00:10:40,900 --> 00:10:41,900 The book's possessed. 182 00:10:42,220 --> 00:10:45,200 I've tried pulling it out with the rubbish. I've used it as a briquette on 183 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,480 barbecue. I even tied a pork chop to it and left it out for freckles. 184 00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,179 Now look. 185 00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:51,300 Bloody dog's a vegetarian. 186 00:10:53,060 --> 00:10:55,060 No, that book's indestructible. 187 00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:58,120 It keeps turning up like something out of a Stephen King story. 188 00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:01,280 You know, there's only another 30 pages and she's going to see that picture. 189 00:11:01,540 --> 00:11:03,100 Well, can't you just tear out the picture? 190 00:11:03,380 --> 00:11:04,980 No, then she'll know I had something to hide. 191 00:11:05,460 --> 00:11:07,760 If only she had been made a judge for that stupid award. 192 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,500 Hey, then I'd never have got my hands on my new lifestyle Bible. 193 00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,180 I've read it cover to cover. 194 00:11:13,880 --> 00:11:14,880 And? 195 00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:16,060 It's a revelation. 196 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,300 Did you know you can now meet girls without leaving the comfort of your own 197 00:11:19,300 --> 00:11:20,300 home? 198 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,680 Yes, they're called escorts. 199 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,180 No, computer chat rooms. 200 00:11:24,730 --> 00:11:29,970 Chapter 11, followed by my favourite chapter, Chapter 12, Prowling the Urban 201 00:11:29,970 --> 00:11:30,970 Jungle. 202 00:11:31,730 --> 00:11:33,130 You're going on the pull in the Bronx? 203 00:11:33,530 --> 00:11:34,530 No, Safeways. 204 00:11:36,850 --> 00:11:38,290 Safeways is the urban jungle. 205 00:11:38,710 --> 00:11:42,490 According to this book, supermarkets are the number one place to meet unattached 206 00:11:42,490 --> 00:11:43,610 women under 40. 207 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:45,410 They're better than singles bars. 208 00:11:45,750 --> 00:11:47,010 Plus, you can pick up a loaf. 209 00:11:48,810 --> 00:11:49,930 Sounds very romantic. 210 00:11:50,330 --> 00:11:51,330 Where did you meet? 211 00:11:51,510 --> 00:11:52,610 Oh, over the cheese counter. 212 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:57,320 Our eyes met across an aged Gorgonzola and within a few minutes we'd exchanged 213 00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:58,320 loyalty card numbers. 214 00:11:58,540 --> 00:12:03,020 Well, maybe I won't try that. But it says here, linger among the meals for 215 00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:05,120 if you wish to meet a nice single girl. 216 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:06,680 Or two supermodels. 217 00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:08,080 I'd settle for that. 218 00:12:08,580 --> 00:12:12,220 You know, it's amazing. I've never been much of a reader, but it seems that all 219 00:12:12,220 --> 00:12:14,060 the answer to all my problems lies in a book. 220 00:12:14,460 --> 00:12:17,000 Yeah, the answer to all my problems lies in getting rid of a book. 221 00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:19,720 Or... What? 222 00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:23,280 You might not have to get rid of the book if you can get rid of the picture. 223 00:12:23,820 --> 00:12:26,880 In the past, you've not reached March 1945 yet, right? 224 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,360 Right. Well, that means the picture hasn't been taken. 225 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:33,020 All you have to do is make sure that no -one takes a photograph of you and Noel 226 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,160 during March 1945. 227 00:12:34,880 --> 00:12:38,980 That way it can never appear in the book, Yvonne can never see it, and we'll 228 00:12:38,980 --> 00:12:40,200 probably never have this conversation. 229 00:12:40,900 --> 00:12:43,280 Which would suit me, because then I could eat my sandwich in peace. 230 00:12:46,160 --> 00:12:49,860 Thanks so much for agreeing to play at the club, Noel. My pleasure, Phoebe. I 231 00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:51,480 can never resist a damsel in distress. 232 00:12:52,700 --> 00:12:54,780 Any other time, yes, but in distress. 233 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:58,260 So, what are you going to do for your turn? 234 00:12:59,260 --> 00:13:00,260 My turn? 235 00:13:00,900 --> 00:13:05,900 Well, I thought I'd begin with my fire -eating, then catch a bullet between my 236 00:13:05,900 --> 00:13:11,160 teeth. followed by levitating a Bengal tiger, and finished by leaping astride 237 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:14,620 Triumph motorcycle and riding Wall of Death style around the club. 238 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:18,220 I'll take all the mirrors down, then, shall I? 239 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,280 Baby! 240 00:13:20,740 --> 00:13:21,740 I'm home. 241 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:25,260 I'll tell you the pro... No. 242 00:13:25,940 --> 00:13:28,460 Hello. Greetings, Gary. How are you? 243 00:13:29,540 --> 00:13:30,540 Fine, thanks. 244 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:31,920 Gary, look. 245 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:37,510 I'm the... Same if anyone tries to take a picture of me before I've combed their 246 00:13:37,510 --> 00:13:38,510 barn at fair. 247 00:13:39,010 --> 00:13:40,070 Phoebe, where did you get the camera? 248 00:13:41,010 --> 00:13:44,010 Noel gave it to me, so I could take some publicity pics of the club. 249 00:13:44,630 --> 00:13:48,850 Oh, well, that's just... incredibly kind. No, thank you. 250 00:13:49,310 --> 00:13:51,670 So come on in, say, cheese ration. No. 251 00:13:52,530 --> 00:13:54,390 No, I don't think you should take a photo of me. 252 00:13:55,030 --> 00:13:57,750 You know, what if somebody takes a photo of me and it falls into the wrong 253 00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:00,190 hands? You don't have to worry about that. 254 00:14:00,510 --> 00:14:02,910 No, they're worth nothing unless they're autographed. 255 00:14:03,530 --> 00:14:07,630 No, I mean, my effectiveness as a secret agent could be severely compromised if 256 00:14:07,630 --> 00:14:10,990 people just take pictures of me willy -nilly. He's right. I hate anyone taking 257 00:14:10,990 --> 00:14:12,150 pictures of my willy -nilly. 258 00:14:13,570 --> 00:14:14,930 You're so rude, Noel. 259 00:14:15,790 --> 00:14:18,030 Gary, get Noel a cup of tea. Yes, of course. 260 00:14:19,730 --> 00:14:20,730 Tea, Noel? 261 00:14:20,830 --> 00:14:21,830 Yes, please, Gary. 262 00:14:23,070 --> 00:14:24,070 Milk? 263 00:14:24,450 --> 00:14:25,450 Oh, with the bar. 264 00:14:27,090 --> 00:14:28,950 Sugar? No, thank you. 265 00:14:40,110 --> 00:14:44,050 I always say your hospitality is the most unusual in London. 266 00:14:44,650 --> 00:14:46,150 Right, well, drink up, then. 267 00:14:46,550 --> 00:14:48,570 I'm sure you must be very busy with all your writing. 268 00:14:48,890 --> 00:14:51,370 Well, actually, yes, funnily enough, I am very busy at the moment. 269 00:14:51,570 --> 00:14:55,310 The most wonderful idea for a new play has occurred to me. An uplifting 270 00:14:55,310 --> 00:15:00,670 propaganda piece about a pair of young newlyweds moving into their first flat 271 00:15:00,670 --> 00:15:04,230 Mayfair. I'm calling it Gary and Phoebe. 272 00:15:05,490 --> 00:15:07,170 Well, I must be off. 273 00:15:07,470 --> 00:15:10,880 Yeah, no, can I just... Um, well, you know, I'm no drama. 274 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:14,260 Just one of the reasons I love you. Yeah, but can I just say something about 275 00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:15,260 that idea for a play? 276 00:15:15,740 --> 00:15:17,020 Sounds really boring. 277 00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:18,900 Boring? 278 00:15:19,140 --> 00:15:20,540 Gary, it's based on her. 279 00:15:20,980 --> 00:15:23,000 Yeah, well, not boring, exactly. 280 00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:26,260 It's... Why don't you write another one of your lovely films? 281 00:15:26,900 --> 00:15:29,180 I'd love to, but one must await the muse. 282 00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:31,320 Well, try something you've never tried before. 283 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:32,820 Um, an action thriller. 284 00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:34,880 A what? 285 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:38,480 Sorry, a mellow drama about, um... 286 00:15:38,730 --> 00:15:42,490 About a man trapped in a building filled with international terrorists. 287 00:15:42,790 --> 00:15:44,210 I really don't think... All right, then. 288 00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:48,610 International terrorists with really bad manners. 289 00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:51,670 What a provocative subject. 290 00:15:52,270 --> 00:15:56,170 Yes, I shall go home and start working on it immediately. Thank you. And you're 291 00:15:56,170 --> 00:15:59,250 right, that other idea does sound unspeakably boring. 292 00:15:59,810 --> 00:16:00,810 Goodbye, Buttercup. 293 00:16:02,710 --> 00:16:04,050 Oh, that's nice, Gary. 294 00:16:04,490 --> 00:16:06,070 How boring am I? 295 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,860 Wet Sunday afternoon sort of boring, or am I like a human version of a powdered 296 00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:11,639 egg omelette? 297 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:16,120 No, I didn't mean you were boring, Phoebe. I just didn't want Noel writing 298 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,160 us. Why not? 299 00:16:17,540 --> 00:16:20,260 It would have been really something to see our life upon the stage. 300 00:16:21,060 --> 00:16:24,780 People would have seen that play performed for years to come. Yeah, but, 301 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:25,800 we... Shut up. 302 00:16:26,040 --> 00:16:27,080 You're boring me. 303 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:35,120 Going a long, long way In time of the 304 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,160 rocky... 305 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:43,330 Your walls may tumble They're only made of clay But 306 00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:49,350 our love is here to 307 00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:55,910 stay Oh, 308 00:17:03,310 --> 00:17:04,310 was that okay? 309 00:17:04,730 --> 00:17:08,720 Transcendent. Wasn't she, Gary? Oh, yes. I love a Gershwin tune. 310 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:10,098 How about you? 311 00:17:10,099 --> 00:17:10,879 Oh, yes. 312 00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,359 Thanks so much for doing this, Noel. The club's never been so full, and it's all 313 00:17:14,359 --> 00:17:15,179 down to you. 314 00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:18,200 I think you're underestimating the power of your spam fritters. 315 00:17:19,099 --> 00:17:22,760 But we are grateful. You could have said no. What? Give us a chance to show off. 316 00:17:22,940 --> 00:17:25,020 I'd rather go antiquing in Basingstoke. 317 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:28,760 And besides, it gives me the opportunity to catch up with a few old friends. 318 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:30,960 For instance, have you met Cecil? 319 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:32,560 Cecil! Hello! 320 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,220 Cecil? 321 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:35,760 Cecil Beaton. 322 00:17:41,969 --> 00:17:46,530 And then Cecil Beaton takes a picture of us. Without so much as a buy or leave. 323 00:17:47,810 --> 00:17:50,210 Cecil flipping Beaton. Who do you think he is? David Bailey? 324 00:17:52,050 --> 00:17:53,210 Ron, what are you doing in there? 325 00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:54,550 Getting ready to go out. 326 00:17:57,090 --> 00:17:58,510 You mean you've actually got a date? 327 00:17:59,090 --> 00:18:00,090 Not exactly. 328 00:18:09,290 --> 00:18:10,290 The Power Rangers? 329 00:18:10,510 --> 00:18:12,850 The X -Men? 330 00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:14,130 A gym. 331 00:18:14,230 --> 00:18:15,350 I've joined a gym. 332 00:18:15,870 --> 00:18:16,870 Holmes Place. 333 00:18:18,150 --> 00:18:21,410 I think they call it Holmes Place because after you've been there for an 334 00:18:21,510 --> 00:18:23,310 you smell like the hand of the Baskervilles. 335 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,470 But you hate exercise. 336 00:18:25,950 --> 00:18:27,250 Who said anything about exercise? 337 00:18:27,990 --> 00:18:32,210 According to my book, the gym is the singles bar of the 90s, only without the 338 00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:34,530 cover charge and the Vinnie Jones look -alike on the door. 339 00:18:35,470 --> 00:18:38,310 So that's the secret of picking up women, is it? 340 00:18:38,919 --> 00:18:40,920 Dressed like the world's first gay superhero. 341 00:18:43,260 --> 00:18:44,680 Don't knock it till you've tried it. 342 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:47,180 The gym is all about the human body. 343 00:18:47,740 --> 00:18:51,520 Bending, stretching, straining. 344 00:18:53,740 --> 00:18:54,740 It's very sensual. 345 00:18:55,340 --> 00:18:56,640 Nothing is left to the imagination. 346 00:18:57,500 --> 00:19:00,140 Except the bit where you meet a girl and she actually fancies you. 347 00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:02,460 Well, give me a chance. I've only been there once. 348 00:19:02,980 --> 00:19:04,460 I was there for two hours yesterday. 349 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:07,580 You were at a gym for two hours and you're still alive? 350 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,160 Two hours is nothing. 351 00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:11,220 Those facial scrubs can't be rushed. 352 00:19:12,300 --> 00:19:15,220 And the full body exfoliation, well, that's a labour of love. 353 00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:19,380 Beginning to wish I'd never given you this book. And talking of books, what am 354 00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:20,920 supposed to do about Cecil Beaton? 355 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,560 Steal the photo. 356 00:19:22,860 --> 00:19:26,220 You've got, like, 40 years till it's published, and leave my book alone. 357 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:28,440 I've still got 38 chapters to do. 358 00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:29,980 I'm not just relying on the gym. 359 00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:33,800 It says in here I should go on a singles holiday, meet individuals with similar 360 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:34,800 tastes and interests. 361 00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:37,250 And what does that mean? People who need a shag. 362 00:19:38,910 --> 00:19:40,050 I've got a brochure. 363 00:19:41,090 --> 00:19:42,090 Pacific Passion. 364 00:19:42,270 --> 00:19:44,550 A great way to get your passport stamped. 365 00:19:44,810 --> 00:19:45,810 Oh, very classy. 366 00:19:45,870 --> 00:19:47,070 Check out page nine. 367 00:19:50,370 --> 00:19:51,370 Good God. 368 00:19:51,950 --> 00:19:53,190 They do this in public? 369 00:19:54,010 --> 00:19:57,450 How many people are there in that jacuzzi? It looks like the porno version 370 00:19:57,450 --> 00:19:58,450 Where's Wally? 371 00:19:58,770 --> 00:20:00,310 Everyone looks very friendly. 372 00:20:00,550 --> 00:20:01,590 Oh, it's an eighth holiday. 373 00:20:01,830 --> 00:20:03,050 Trouble is, it's really expensive. 374 00:20:03,830 --> 00:20:07,990 Holly, I've got an idea. I can get it much cheaper on the teletext. One of 375 00:20:07,990 --> 00:20:09,030 last -minute bargains. 376 00:20:09,610 --> 00:20:12,230 Yeah, well, judging by what they're wearing, most of these people didn't 377 00:20:12,230 --> 00:20:13,230 time to pack. 378 00:20:13,610 --> 00:20:14,610 Where are you going? 379 00:20:14,650 --> 00:20:15,650 Back to 1945. 380 00:20:15,890 --> 00:20:16,769 You're right. 381 00:20:16,770 --> 00:20:20,270 About the teletext? No, about the photo. I'm going to have to nick it, destroy 382 00:20:20,270 --> 00:20:22,230 it, before Yvonne gets to page 113. 383 00:20:22,430 --> 00:20:24,090 Otherwise, I'm just going to worry about it. 384 00:20:24,430 --> 00:20:25,770 You worry too much. 385 00:20:26,690 --> 00:20:27,850 It's bad for your skin. 386 00:20:34,230 --> 00:20:37,130 We're going a long, long way. 387 00:20:38,730 --> 00:20:40,130 Into... You're like the neighbours. 388 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,830 Buttercup, I am the neighbours. 389 00:20:43,130 --> 00:20:44,130 See? You're right. 390 00:20:46,190 --> 00:20:48,570 Oh, what a bleeding night. 391 00:20:48,830 --> 00:20:51,190 It was a veritable triumph. 392 00:20:51,530 --> 00:20:53,610 Yeah. It was good and all. 393 00:20:55,290 --> 00:21:00,190 Seems as if all of London's society was there. Except, of course, the one Reg 394 00:21:00,190 --> 00:21:01,870 didn't like the look of. Yeah. 395 00:21:02,280 --> 00:21:03,980 Do you think Rex Harrison will ever forgive us? 396 00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:05,700 I hope not. 397 00:21:06,520 --> 00:21:07,520 Oh, 398 00:21:07,820 --> 00:21:09,360 what a pity Gary had to go off. 399 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,660 He loves a bit of a knees -up. 400 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,800 Well, at least he'll have Cecil's photo to remember it by. 401 00:21:15,420 --> 00:21:22,220 Yeah, still, he's always going off and missing the best bits of our life. 402 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,280 I hope he's not losing interest in me and Michael. 403 00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:30,680 Phoebe, darling, as far as I can tell, he's sane and fight it. 404 00:21:30,990 --> 00:21:32,890 Therefore, he can't do anything else but adore you. 405 00:21:33,550 --> 00:21:34,710 You're very kind. 406 00:21:35,850 --> 00:21:37,630 Do you still think I'm attractive, then? 407 00:21:38,730 --> 00:21:39,730 Indisputably. 408 00:21:41,370 --> 00:21:42,810 Do you fancy me? 409 00:21:45,850 --> 00:21:50,150 Well, I think you have some very nice shoes. 410 00:21:54,870 --> 00:21:56,770 Yeah, I do, don't I? 411 00:21:58,250 --> 00:21:59,250 Are you kidding? 412 00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:12,760 Miss Thumbird's residence. 413 00:22:14,820 --> 00:22:15,820 Oh. 414 00:22:17,260 --> 00:22:19,660 Yes, I'll inform her at once. 415 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:21,240 Thank you. 416 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:23,680 Oh, what is it? 417 00:22:24,540 --> 00:22:25,540 Gary. 418 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:26,760 He's been arrested. 419 00:22:29,740 --> 00:22:31,260 You think you're so clever, don't you? 420 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:34,020 I'm sorry? With all the spivving and the vice? 421 00:22:34,460 --> 00:22:36,760 The network of vicious murdering thugs? 422 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:40,280 I think you may have got me mixed up with somebody else. Possibly a criminal. 423 00:22:40,460 --> 00:22:41,700 You are a criminal, Torag. 424 00:22:42,220 --> 00:22:44,140 Caught red -handed in Cecil Beaton's studio. 425 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,800 What kind of a man breaks into a dark room in the middle of the night? 426 00:22:48,180 --> 00:22:49,920 The kind who wishes he'd bought a torch. 427 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,300 Why were you burning those negatives then, eh? Answer me that. 428 00:22:53,620 --> 00:22:57,200 Well, it's a long story, but basically Cecil Beaton took a photograph of me and 429 00:22:57,200 --> 00:22:58,660 frankly it's worse than the one in my passport. 430 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,080 You're a homicidal maniac, aren't you? 431 00:23:01,460 --> 00:23:02,560 Well, you don't scare me. 432 00:23:12,989 --> 00:23:14,830 Now, don't try that again or I may have to get tough. 433 00:23:16,330 --> 00:23:17,390 And stop moving about. 434 00:23:17,770 --> 00:23:18,770 I'm not. You're shaking. 435 00:23:21,150 --> 00:23:22,270 That is a vicious lie. 436 00:23:23,810 --> 00:23:27,470 Now, won't you just stay there, quietly, while I foam the serge. 437 00:23:28,730 --> 00:23:29,870 And keep your nose clean. 438 00:23:30,710 --> 00:23:32,690 It's going to be pretty difficult if it starts to itch. 439 00:23:35,050 --> 00:23:36,050 Gary. 440 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:37,290 So it's true. 441 00:23:37,470 --> 00:23:38,690 I had to see for myself. 442 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:44,580 You're a black market racketeer. No, I'm not. Reg, I had very good reasons for 443 00:23:44,580 --> 00:23:45,580 what I did. 444 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:51,280 Hello, Reg. 445 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:52,680 Cut the reel. 446 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,140 I thought they threw you off the force. 447 00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,780 I left to piss you out of every news of interest. 448 00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:00,440 Well, they haven't taken you very far. 449 00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,700 Keep an eye on this villain while I get the flashbulb for the camera. 450 00:24:09,409 --> 00:24:10,490 Doesn't like you, does he? 451 00:24:11,230 --> 00:24:13,270 There's a bit of history between us, as you might say. 452 00:24:13,570 --> 00:24:15,010 Police matters, you know. Really? 453 00:24:15,290 --> 00:24:17,010 Sort of personality clash, was it? 454 00:24:17,270 --> 00:24:19,210 Different working methods generated friction. 455 00:24:19,410 --> 00:24:20,830 Pushed you both past boiling point. 456 00:24:21,790 --> 00:24:23,010 It's eerie, that is. 457 00:24:23,250 --> 00:24:24,250 As if you were there. 458 00:24:25,290 --> 00:24:27,910 I like to think of myself as a student of human nature, Rich. 459 00:24:28,290 --> 00:24:31,330 So, what was it that led to the final breakdown in civility between you? 460 00:24:31,670 --> 00:24:32,950 Murder? Bank robbery? 461 00:24:33,310 --> 00:24:34,310 Lunch. 462 00:24:34,910 --> 00:24:38,530 I asked him for cheese and pickle and he got me... Pilchards. 463 00:24:40,370 --> 00:24:42,050 OK, Reg, bring the prisoner over here. 464 00:24:42,710 --> 00:24:43,469 Chop, chop. 465 00:24:43,470 --> 00:24:44,470 Say, please. 466 00:24:45,510 --> 00:24:48,150 Please. Do you mind stepping this way, Gary, please? 467 00:24:52,310 --> 00:24:54,590 If you're hungry, Reg, I've got half a pilchard sandwich here. 468 00:24:57,990 --> 00:24:59,610 Obviously, I'm no Cecil Beaton. 469 00:24:59,850 --> 00:25:00,850 Well, thank Christ for that. 470 00:25:04,820 --> 00:25:07,440 No, you see, you've got to put the flashbulbs... Keep him away from me. 471 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:08,780 violent. No, he's not. 472 00:25:09,360 --> 00:25:10,360 Oh, isn't he? 473 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:14,340 Fine. Then you won't mind if I take the appropriate steps to restrain him. Oh, 474 00:25:14,340 --> 00:25:17,640 come on. Look, there's no need to cuff him, Cotterill. Look, it's pretty poor 475 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,220 police work. I have to... Oi! 476 00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:22,559 Don't worry, Reg. 477 00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:23,560 He isn't violent. 478 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:25,760 Now, let's try this again. 479 00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:30,340 Why don't you say we overpower him and go on the run together? 480 00:25:31,370 --> 00:25:34,730 At first, we'd argue all the time, but ultimately, we'd develop a huge respect 481 00:25:34,730 --> 00:25:35,810 for each other's points of view. 482 00:25:36,490 --> 00:25:38,690 Would I still be able to listen to Tommy Angley on the wireless? 483 00:25:39,950 --> 00:25:40,950 Never mind. 484 00:25:41,670 --> 00:25:45,090 Well, I can't say this is how I wanted to spend the night, but it could have 485 00:25:45,090 --> 00:25:46,090 been a lot worse. 486 00:25:47,930 --> 00:25:48,930 Don't worry, dear heart. 487 00:25:49,170 --> 00:25:50,170 I know the commissioner. 488 00:25:51,190 --> 00:25:52,190 Right. 489 00:26:08,750 --> 00:26:09,509 price, Gary. 490 00:26:09,510 --> 00:26:13,810 This single holiday is half the price of the ones in the brochure. And it's in 491 00:26:13,810 --> 00:26:18,650 Spain. And they guarantee that the women outnumber the men. They guarantee it. I 492 00:26:18,650 --> 00:26:22,570 just hope you've taken precautions, Ron. Of course I have. On bracelet, some 493 00:26:22,570 --> 00:26:23,570 factor 20. 494 00:26:24,530 --> 00:26:26,350 Postcard, if you can summon up the energy. 495 00:26:26,630 --> 00:26:27,569 Hello, love. 496 00:26:27,570 --> 00:26:28,590 Ron Weecroft. 497 00:26:28,910 --> 00:26:30,570 21 and gagging for it. 498 00:26:31,230 --> 00:26:33,610 Mr. Weecroft, are you sure? 499 00:26:33,970 --> 00:26:36,410 Well, that's what it says on my birth certificate, gorgeous. 500 00:26:37,180 --> 00:26:38,440 Well, welcome aboard. 501 00:26:38,720 --> 00:26:40,000 You'd better go and take your seat. 502 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:41,279 Cheers, mate. 503 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:42,280 See ya. 504 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,200 He is house -trained, I can assure you. 505 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:46,560 Oh, it's not that. 506 00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:51,240 I just wondered why he wanted to come on a swinging 60s singles holiday. 507 00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:54,840 Swinging 60s? 508 00:26:55,800 --> 00:27:00,160 You mean this is a holiday for... Swingers over 60. 509 00:27:21,200 --> 00:27:23,380 It'll be the only time he gets off in the next fortnight. 510 00:27:24,820 --> 00:27:25,920 How are you enjoying the book? 511 00:27:26,900 --> 00:27:28,820 Fascinating man, wasn't he? An old coward. 512 00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:31,720 Oh, I stopped reading it. I only got to page 112. 513 00:27:33,380 --> 00:27:34,880 You stopped reading on page 112? 514 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:37,520 Why? It can't be Truman. 515 00:27:37,860 --> 00:27:40,640 They've decided there's more publicity in the performing arts, so they've 516 00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,240 converted the award to a theatre prize. 517 00:27:44,320 --> 00:27:45,319 You're not nice. 518 00:27:45,320 --> 00:27:48,740 Oh, thank you. I'm due at the Playhouse in 40 minutes to see one of his 519 00:27:48,740 --> 00:27:49,740 undiscovered plays. 520 00:27:50,250 --> 00:27:51,250 Gary and Phoebe. 521 00:27:51,690 --> 00:27:52,990 Sounds really boring. 522 00:28:26,990 --> 00:28:27,990 Sweetheart.