1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,120
Good night, sweetheart. All my prayers
are for

2
00:00:06,120 --> 00:00:10,300
you. Good night, sweetheart.

3
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:14,760
I'll be watching all you.

4
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:20,960
Tears and cutting may make us alone.

5
00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,760
But with the dawn,

6
00:00:25,540 --> 00:00:27,560
a new day.

7
00:00:35,950 --> 00:00:39,190
Yvonne, can you... Coming, coming.

8
00:00:40,690 --> 00:00:43,130
I'm coming, for God's sake. I can't...
Ouch!

9
00:00:53,590 --> 00:00:56,990
Chrissie, it's simple. I'll do Vogue,
I'll do Marie Claire, I'll do Woman's

10
00:00:56,990 --> 00:01:01,550
Hour, I'll do My Kind of Day. What?
Someone at the door. Odd job, Tarantino.

11
00:01:01,570 --> 00:01:03,750
I won't do Melvin Bragg until he gets
new hair.

12
00:01:04,300 --> 00:01:07,840
And I can't do OK because we're still
living in a slum. Now, the launch is for

13
00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:09,080
range of his and her products, right?

14
00:01:09,620 --> 00:01:11,460
Is that the car? Yes, it's the car.

15
00:01:11,740 --> 00:01:13,400
Good. So we need couples.

16
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:16,540
Iman and Jemima, Mick and Jerry, Bruce
and Demi.

17
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:18,020
Gary and Yvonne. What?

18
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:20,620
Tony and Cherie, right, you got it.

19
00:01:20,860 --> 00:01:25,600
No, Paris, Milan tomorrow, then Madrid,
then home. You can get me five pennies.

20
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,280
I had to come all the way downstairs,
Yvonne.

21
00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:30,480
Did you?

22
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,260
To open the front door.

23
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:35,080
Well, that does make sense, Gary, seeing
as the front door is downstairs.

24
00:01:35,980 --> 00:01:37,700
Try not to talk crap. It's habit
-forming.

25
00:01:40,560 --> 00:01:41,900
Shaving twice? Hot dates?

26
00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:44,880
Um, no, I forgot this morning. Makes me
itch.

27
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:48,960
You...

28
00:01:55,050 --> 00:01:59,630
I'm here today talking to Yvonne
Sparrow, Supreme Intergalactic Commander

29
00:01:59,630 --> 00:02:04,410
Yvonne Sparrow Enterprises, PLC, as she
launches her new range of body care

30
00:02:04,410 --> 00:02:08,970
products. Yvonne, I understand that no
animals were used during the testing of

31
00:02:08,970 --> 00:02:09,869
your products.

32
00:02:09,870 --> 00:02:13,770
That's absolutely correct, yes. All my
products are tested solely and

33
00:02:13,770 --> 00:02:15,750
exclusively on my husband, Gary.

34
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:20,710
We rub perfume in his eyeballs, put
bromide in his eyeballs, and cut off

35
00:02:20,710 --> 00:02:21,710
Thank you.

36
00:02:23,050 --> 00:02:24,370
Maybe the time in Paris.

37
00:02:25,870 --> 00:02:26,870
And Milan.

38
00:02:33,130 --> 00:02:34,330
Coming. Coming.

39
00:02:39,050 --> 00:02:41,150
Yeah, coming, for God's sake. Ouch!

40
00:02:49,850 --> 00:02:51,090
I'm not going to be good.

41
00:02:51,640 --> 00:02:52,840
OK, but just a beer.

42
00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:00,900
Oh, Pitsy.

43
00:03:01,540 --> 00:03:04,040
I was going to suggest a 12 -pack and a
bucket of curry.

44
00:03:05,020 --> 00:03:06,020
I brought this.

45
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,200
Baywatch. The director's cut.

46
00:03:09,080 --> 00:03:12,700
However, I see that you're pressing a 54
-year -old dinner suit, so I presume

47
00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:14,860
you're going out somewhere posh at the
other end of the century.

48
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:16,680
What have you done to your finger?

49
00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,379
Ironed it.

50
00:03:18,380 --> 00:03:19,380
Why?

51
00:03:19,610 --> 00:03:21,490
Haven't you noticed? They get all
wrinkly around the knuckle.

52
00:03:22,690 --> 00:03:23,690
First aid box?

53
00:03:23,830 --> 00:03:24,830
Yeah, far covered.

54
00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:28,450
Will you look at me, Ron? What do you
see?

55
00:03:28,910 --> 00:03:32,230
I mean, apart from a bloke with a third
-degree digital burn and no trousers.

56
00:03:32,650 --> 00:03:35,810
I'd be an attractive, sophisticated man
in the prime of life.

57
00:03:36,770 --> 00:03:39,390
I see a man full of wit, good taste and
charm.

58
00:03:39,590 --> 00:03:42,870
Yeah, all right, all right. A man whom
fortune has smiled upon.

59
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:47,090
A man who, despite his many advantages
in life, still manages to laugh at

60
00:03:47,090 --> 00:03:48,009
himself.

61
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:51,630
Otherwise... Why would he be walking
around in his underwear, ironing his

62
00:03:51,630 --> 00:03:53,250
finger? Give it here.

63
00:03:55,650 --> 00:04:00,950
I'm a nobody, you know.

64
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:05,530
Everybody's a nobody, Gary, except those
people who are somebody, and that

65
00:04:05,530 --> 00:04:06,630
excludes almost everybody.

66
00:04:07,070 --> 00:04:09,290
Yvonne is living a life of non -stop
glamour.

67
00:04:09,770 --> 00:04:13,330
Models, famous faces, pop stars
endorsing her products.

68
00:04:13,730 --> 00:04:16,810
You know, she's got the Spice Girls
rubbing themselves all over with ginseng

69
00:04:16,810 --> 00:04:18,910
scruffer. Are there any bits they can't
reach?

70
00:04:19,670 --> 00:04:20,890
Nobody knows who I am.

71
00:04:21,470 --> 00:04:22,470
Mr Anonymous.

72
00:04:23,170 --> 00:04:25,770
I could be invisible, you know. Nobody
notices me.

73
00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:27,670
Who said that?

74
00:04:35,570 --> 00:04:37,470
Is he looking at you or at me?

75
00:04:38,330 --> 00:04:40,410
With you in that dress, why bother to
ask?

76
00:04:40,950 --> 00:04:42,430
That sales girl had a silver tongue.

77
00:04:42,690 --> 00:04:45,290
Madam, suits it perfect. It's a garment
ought to cling.

78
00:04:45,530 --> 00:04:49,210
Which it does, as I can see. All I've
got to do is sneeze, you see, a hell of

79
00:04:49,210 --> 00:04:50,210
lot more.

80
00:04:51,610 --> 00:04:52,690
He's staring at you.

81
00:05:17,250 --> 00:05:21,130
They stared through the liver. Now
they're bloody staring through the

82
00:05:23,550 --> 00:05:27,550
I told you, it's your bosom in that
dress. You know what the French are

83
00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:31,010
Gary, he's saluted. Even the French
don't salute a bosom.

84
00:05:32,470 --> 00:05:34,970
Anyway, it's not the only one giving you
a funny look.

85
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,630
What? Haven't you noticed?

86
00:05:38,390 --> 00:05:39,390
Especially him.

87
00:05:39,630 --> 00:05:41,590
Over there, with the hairy face.

88
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,040
Did you notice when we came in?

89
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:51,920
What?

90
00:05:52,220 --> 00:05:53,740
When I took off my top coat.

91
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:58,280
What? Was I... done up?

92
00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:00,940
You did look a bit tired, yeah.

93
00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:03,720
No, done up, not done in.

94
00:06:17,870 --> 00:06:19,930
Um, excuse me, the bill, please.

95
00:06:20,930 --> 00:06:22,050
Do you think he's all right?

96
00:06:22,630 --> 00:06:24,890
Seems nice enough, apart from the
dandruff and the wart.

97
00:06:25,110 --> 00:06:26,110
You know what I mean.

98
00:06:26,350 --> 00:06:27,229
Michael's fine.

99
00:06:27,230 --> 00:06:28,450
Margie's with him. I know.

100
00:06:29,050 --> 00:06:32,450
When we stay out all night up west, I'll
get worried in case of the raid or

101
00:06:32,450 --> 00:06:33,610
something. There won't be.

102
00:06:34,150 --> 00:06:35,950
How can you always be so certain?

103
00:06:36,170 --> 00:06:38,070
I'll let you know when to worry, trust
me.

104
00:06:38,350 --> 00:06:39,970
D -Day, that's the next big event.

105
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:41,650
What's D -Day?

106
00:06:44,770 --> 00:06:47,150
Surely your bill has been paid, madam.

107
00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:01,060
Merci. Sorry, sorry, they couldn't find
my coat.

108
00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:02,480
Car's outside, old boy.

109
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:04,000
Blackwell's voice.

110
00:07:04,760 --> 00:07:07,060
It's not for us, mate. I wish it was.
Well, it is.

111
00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:08,920
No, it's not.

112
00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:14,220
We leave the restaurant, no fuss, and we
get into the car, or I'll shoot you

113
00:07:14,220 --> 00:07:15,220
down like a dog.

114
00:07:19,180 --> 00:07:20,460
Macduff, MI5.

115
00:07:21,230 --> 00:07:22,570
My friends call me Tufty.

116
00:07:23,390 --> 00:07:25,170
The old facial adornment, you know.

117
00:07:26,430 --> 00:07:27,550
Tufty, not Tufty.

118
00:07:28,590 --> 00:07:32,570
Sorry about the cloak and dagger. A bit
dramatic, but that's the way we like to

119
00:07:32,570 --> 00:07:33,670
do things here at MI5.

120
00:07:33,890 --> 00:07:37,370
Black car, revolver, get in or I'll
shoot you down like a dog.

121
00:07:38,690 --> 00:07:42,410
Your sparrow. Where's Phoebe?

122
00:07:42,690 --> 00:07:45,290
A little woman's been given a cuppa.
Pretty creature.

123
00:07:45,510 --> 00:07:47,910
Pretty frock. Bosoms all sort of pushed
up together.

124
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:51,640
What's going on?

125
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:57,120
Among your identity papers, Mr Sparrow,
Gary, may I call you Gary, which are all

126
00:07:57,120 --> 00:08:02,640
fake, as I'm sure you know, is an MI5 ID
card. And noticing this, it didn't take

127
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:04,440
me long to deduce that you must be a
spy.

128
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:08,960
And for that reason, could look forward
to being shot in the very near future.

129
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:11,000
Last request, goodbye, blindfold.

130
00:08:12,460 --> 00:08:14,240
Nothing. I'm not a spy.

131
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:15,720
Can you prove it?

132
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,500
No. No. And I know why.

133
00:08:19,300 --> 00:08:20,300
You do?

134
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:25,480
While you were scoffing away at the Cafe
Royal with the delectable Mrs. Sparrow,

135
00:08:25,580 --> 00:08:27,980
I had men asking questions about you.

136
00:08:28,220 --> 00:08:33,860
In particular, we spoke to PC Deadman,
until recently seconded to Scotland

137
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:35,419
Oh, good. My fate's sealed, then.

138
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:40,039
Deadman confirmed that you were an MI5
operative, had flown secret missions

139
00:08:40,039 --> 00:08:43,539
behind enemy lines, and had access to
all manner of classified information.

140
00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:45,600
Wonderful load of toss.

141
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,400
Love it.

142
00:08:49,710 --> 00:08:50,710
Can I make a statement?

143
00:08:51,150 --> 00:08:52,150
State away, old boy.

144
00:08:52,650 --> 00:08:53,650
I'm not a spy.

145
00:08:54,890 --> 00:08:55,890
I'm a time traveller.

146
00:08:56,610 --> 00:08:58,170
In effect, I haven't been born yet.

147
00:08:58,510 --> 00:09:03,710
I travel back to wartime London from the
year 1998, an era when men have walked

148
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:07,110
on the moon, people can have their
hearts replaced, and a pint of bitter

149
00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:08,110
two quid.

150
00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:09,570
Very good, old boy.

151
00:09:10,730 --> 00:09:12,150
Beer, two quid.

152
00:09:14,190 --> 00:09:17,570
Oh, top -hole stuff. In a minute you'll
be telling me when the war's going to

153
00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:18,549
end and who wins.

154
00:09:18,550 --> 00:09:20,890
You'll even tell me you know all about
the plans for D -Day.

155
00:09:21,130 --> 00:09:24,830
Which would let me know at once that you
really are a spy.

156
00:09:27,330 --> 00:09:28,330
D -Day, what's that?

157
00:09:29,850 --> 00:09:31,750
Day before E -Day? Day after C -Day?

158
00:09:32,430 --> 00:09:33,610
We know what you are, old man.

159
00:09:33,910 --> 00:09:34,910
We've got you taped.

160
00:09:35,250 --> 00:09:37,530
Bit of a wide boy, are we? Bit of a
spiv?

161
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:42,380
False papers, impersonating secret
intelligence officer, having a bloody

162
00:09:42,380 --> 00:09:45,440
war while your chums risk everything for
the Empire. Up to me, old boy, I'd

163
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,660
shoot you anyway. Still might.

164
00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,380
So... One to save your neck, Gary.

165
00:09:52,260 --> 00:09:53,340
Alternative to certain death.

166
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:58,220
On balance, all things considered, as
long as it's a reasonable offer, yes.

167
00:09:58,300 --> 00:09:59,880
Right. Take a look at this.

168
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:02,300
Who's that?

169
00:10:02,840 --> 00:10:03,840
Oh, it's me.

170
00:10:03,940 --> 00:10:06,520
Well, it's not me. It's a fake photo.

171
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:09,600
My head on the body of an officer in the
French army.

172
00:10:09,820 --> 00:10:14,560
It is Colonel Henri Dupont, General de
Gaulle's most trusted military advisor.

173
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,200
All of him?

174
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:18,040
Even the face?

175
00:10:18,180 --> 00:10:19,180
Especially the face.

176
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:20,800
Uncanny, what?

177
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:24,120
He's my double.

178
00:10:24,340 --> 00:10:26,400
Apart from the one old Coleman Tash,
yes.

179
00:10:26,740 --> 00:10:27,940
But we can see about that.

180
00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:31,500
More importantly, you are his double.

181
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,020
You get legitimate papers, Gary.

182
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:35,580
Full MI5 cover.

183
00:10:35,950 --> 00:10:37,710
And you can pick up your life where you
left off.

184
00:10:37,970 --> 00:10:38,970
Pick up my life?

185
00:10:38,990 --> 00:10:42,030
I'm not leaving my life anywhere. I like
to have it by me at all times. I just

186
00:10:42,030 --> 00:10:43,730
want you to do a little job for us.

187
00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:45,709
Piece of cake.

188
00:10:45,710 --> 00:10:46,710
Easy peasy.

189
00:10:46,890 --> 00:10:48,010
Job for a girl, really.

190
00:10:48,570 --> 00:10:50,450
Well, a girl with a moustache.

191
00:10:52,190 --> 00:10:53,190
So, agreed?

192
00:10:54,190 --> 00:10:55,870
Where's your right hand? What's the
alternative?

193
00:10:56,110 --> 00:10:57,710
Firing squad basement, five minutes'
time.

194
00:10:58,750 --> 00:11:01,550
I do solemnly swear. I do solemnly
swear. Never to reveal.

195
00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:02,849
Never to reveal.

196
00:11:02,850 --> 00:11:03,850
Sorry.

197
00:11:04,540 --> 00:11:07,720
Details, only secret information given
to me. In particular, details of

198
00:11:07,720 --> 00:11:10,820
security concerning the proposals for
the D -Day landings at Pas -de -Calais.

199
00:11:11,940 --> 00:11:18,260
Um... Anything... Um... Blah, blah,
blah, et cetera, et cetera, D -Day

200
00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,540
Pas -de -Calais. On pain of death.

201
00:11:19,820 --> 00:11:21,780
On pain of... Death.

202
00:11:22,740 --> 00:11:23,740
Death.

203
00:11:24,300 --> 00:11:25,860
Dib, dib, dib, we'll dob, dob, dob.

204
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:30,840
It's eerie.

205
00:11:31,020 --> 00:11:32,380
Bit an imagery here, we hear.

206
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,500
Hey, Gary, I nearly wet myself when
Harry Chops pulled out that gun.

207
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,740
Yeah, a lot of people react like that,
you know. People who haven't seen

208
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:43,220
firearms up close before.

209
00:11:43,660 --> 00:11:44,660
You were scared, no?

210
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:46,780
Me? Oh, no.

211
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:51,620
I know the old black car revolver, get
in or I'll shoot you down like a dog

212
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:52,620
routine.

213
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:54,500
Done it a few times myself.

214
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,260
Then why were you crying?

215
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,580
So, when do you set off?

216
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:02,880
Set off?

217
00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:03,890
On a secret mission.

218
00:12:03,910 --> 00:12:05,090
Does it involve D -Day?

219
00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:06,350
D -Day?

220
00:12:06,470 --> 00:12:07,650
Who mentioned D -Day to you?

221
00:12:08,170 --> 00:12:09,029
You did.

222
00:12:09,030 --> 00:12:10,930
At dinner. Next big event, you said.

223
00:12:11,170 --> 00:12:11,809
Did I?

224
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:14,110
God, look, Phoebe, you mustn't tell
anyone about that, OK?

225
00:12:14,430 --> 00:12:15,670
No. No, all right.

226
00:12:16,670 --> 00:12:20,550
So, you've got to pretend to be this
frog colonel, fool a Jerry's, lead him

227
00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:21,109
the garden.

228
00:12:21,110 --> 00:12:24,250
Well, I haven't been fully briefed yet.
I've got a meeting with Tofty and Dupont

229
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:26,450
tomorrow. It's quite exciting.

230
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,080
I was scared at first, then worried, you
know, when they sat me outside with a

231
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:34,080
cup of tea and a Gary Baldy. I didn't
know whether they were torturing you or

232
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:36,380
anything. You thought they might be
torturing me?

233
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:37,920
Well, I did wonder.

234
00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:41,180
And you sat outside with a cup of tea
and a Gary Baldy, did you?

235
00:12:42,540 --> 00:12:44,440
I didn't enjoy it very much.

236
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,060
Well, that makes all the difference.

237
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,780
Oh, come on, Gary, I'm proud of you.

238
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:53,140
All those stories you've told me about
secret missions and such and seeing your

239
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:57,160
secret headquarters a while back and now
all these guns and cars and stuff.

240
00:12:57,820 --> 00:13:02,380
And you, so calm, even though you're off
to face certain danger.

241
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,120
Danger?

242
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,140
No, I don't think there'll be any
danger.

243
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,380
I mean, they didn't mention any danger.

244
00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,780
Well, might be, I suppose.

245
00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:17,380
Fair bit, probably.

246
00:13:19,520 --> 00:13:21,780
Still, I'm no stranger to danger,
Phoebe.

247
00:13:22,460 --> 00:13:23,680
No danger stranger.

248
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:26,960
Danger specialist, really.

249
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,600
Hazard wizard, well known for it.

250
00:13:31,260 --> 00:13:33,060
Um, I haven't finished that.

251
00:13:33,260 --> 00:13:34,820
I thought we could take it to bed.

252
00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,360
You know, a little pick -me -up.

253
00:13:38,980 --> 00:13:39,980
Oh.

254
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,220
No, I don't suppose there'll be any
danger.

255
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:52,320
I mean, they didn't mention any danger.

256
00:13:54,420 --> 00:13:57,100
Danger? Of course there'll be danger,
mate.

257
00:13:57,380 --> 00:13:59,340
There's always danger in such
situations.

258
00:13:59,820 --> 00:14:02,940
The whole point of a decoy is to draw
flak from the real target.

259
00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:04,460
Flak, target, get it?

260
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:05,720
The Isle of Wight.

261
00:14:05,860 --> 00:14:10,820
What? My mission, Ron, and I have
already decided to accept it, is to go

262
00:14:10,820 --> 00:14:14,740
Isle of Wight and generally bop about
the place being Colonel Henri Dupont.

263
00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:18,140
I will not be a target, there will be no
flak.

264
00:14:18,620 --> 00:14:22,580
My presence will be reported to the
Nazis via the known network of spies,

265
00:14:22,580 --> 00:14:26,040
will assume that the colonel is at a bit
of a loose end, where, in fact, he will

266
00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:27,960
be attending briefings on the D -Day
landings.

267
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:30,220
It's an appointment with Nemesis, Gary.

268
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:31,660
A date with fate.

269
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:35,420
If everything goes according to the
plot, you will be eyeball to eyeball

270
00:14:35,420 --> 00:14:36,420
the Grim Reaper.

271
00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,900
Plot? What are you talking about?

272
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:39,500
You've seen all those black and white
films.

273
00:14:39,700 --> 00:14:41,600
The decoy is always dispensable.

274
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:44,680
Look, Ron, I cannot die in 1944.

275
00:14:45,610 --> 00:14:49,110
Whatever is going to happen has
happened. And here I am, not dead.

276
00:14:49,730 --> 00:14:51,330
That's before you go on your mission.

277
00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:55,190
How do you know the future you've got
now is the same future you're going to

278
00:14:55,190 --> 00:14:57,750
have if something in the past is
different from the last time you went

279
00:14:57,750 --> 00:14:58,750
the future?

280
00:15:02,630 --> 00:15:06,070
Look, Ron, if nothing else, I want to do
my bit.

281
00:15:06,810 --> 00:15:10,610
Me being Dupont's double might be a
really important moment in the war.

282
00:15:11,290 --> 00:15:14,490
If I didn't go back, then maybe the D
-Day landings would have been delayed.

283
00:15:14,990 --> 00:15:17,090
Or maybe the Germans would have got wind
of the Allied plans.

284
00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:19,770
Look, it's only the Isle of Wight.

285
00:15:21,150 --> 00:15:26,610
What if this network of Nazi spies
kidnap you, take you to a secret

286
00:15:26,610 --> 00:15:30,690
with a U -boat, take you back to Berlin,
hand you over to the Gestapo, who

287
00:15:30,690 --> 00:15:33,970
torture you for weeks on end for secrets
you don't even know?

288
00:15:34,790 --> 00:15:37,370
Ron, Ron, that can't possibly happen.

289
00:15:39,709 --> 00:15:43,490
Members of this network of Nazi spies
kidnap me and take me to a secret

290
00:15:43,490 --> 00:15:44,490
rendezvous with the Hitler.

291
00:15:45,190 --> 00:15:48,590
And then on to Berlin, where they hand
me over to the Gestapo, who torture me

292
00:15:48,590 --> 00:15:52,330
for weeks on end for secrets I don't
even know. Gary, Gary, that can't

293
00:15:52,330 --> 00:15:53,330
happen.

294
00:15:59,250 --> 00:16:06,190
Monsieur, I think you go my house and
make love with my wife. She

295
00:16:06,190 --> 00:16:07,190
not know the difference.

296
00:16:08,110 --> 00:16:09,210
Except for the hairy bits.

297
00:16:09,430 --> 00:16:11,530
You have a problem with the hairy bits?

298
00:16:12,290 --> 00:16:14,050
No, I mean the... Ah!

299
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:17,130
This will be the giveaway, no?

300
00:16:17,330 --> 00:16:18,330
Oh, don't worry, Colonel.

301
00:16:18,690 --> 00:16:20,750
MI5 disguises are the best in the world.

302
00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:25,010
So, monsieur, you will to the Isle of
Wigget.

303
00:16:26,510 --> 00:16:27,510
What?

304
00:16:27,670 --> 00:16:32,090
You dare to make the pretense that you
are me on Isle of Wigget.

305
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:34,490
Isle of Wigget? Yes, absolutely.

306
00:16:35,730 --> 00:16:36,830
Will your wife be there?

307
00:16:37,509 --> 00:16:41,610
Oh, I think you no enjoy be with my
wife.

308
00:16:42,050 --> 00:16:43,410
She have no funny.

309
00:16:44,850 --> 00:16:50,430
No funny, no joke. How you say, no sense
of humour.

310
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:52,210
She's not funny.

311
00:16:53,890 --> 00:16:55,050
Are you married, monsieur?

312
00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:57,730
Oh, yes, very, ever so married.

313
00:16:58,270 --> 00:17:02,310
And your wife, does she have the... Oh,
yes, yes, always got a smile on her

314
00:17:02,310 --> 00:17:03,310
face.

315
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:05,670
I pray you return to it safely.

316
00:17:10,089 --> 00:17:11,089
Mon brave.

317
00:17:16,970 --> 00:17:18,890
Why wouldn't I return safely?

318
00:17:19,290 --> 00:17:20,349
Take her speech, Gary.

319
00:17:21,829 --> 00:17:24,329
Deceit, dirty tricks and disguises are
good.

320
00:17:24,690 --> 00:17:28,550
One Ronald Coleman moustache and
moustache operative to room 23.

321
00:17:28,810 --> 00:17:29,729
Thank you.

322
00:17:29,730 --> 00:17:31,450
And why did he say, mon brave?

323
00:17:31,710 --> 00:17:34,290
What's brave about it? Nothing, Gary.

324
00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:39,530
No bravery involved, nothing that
couldn't be done by a craven coward, a

325
00:17:39,530 --> 00:17:42,450
snivelling crybaby, a pansy -pansy -poo
-pants.

326
00:17:43,570 --> 00:17:47,170
I just want to be prepared, that's all.
I don't think you'll find me lacking in

327
00:17:47,170 --> 00:17:48,190
the hairy bits department.

328
00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:50,770
Good man, Gary. Now, here's the full
plan.

329
00:17:51,310 --> 00:17:54,850
Fishing smack, anchors off the Isle of
Wight at 2300 hours.

330
00:17:55,370 --> 00:17:58,050
Rowing boat to shore, car takes you to
GHQ.

331
00:17:58,630 --> 00:18:00,870
Next few days, bit of a jolly round and
about.

332
00:18:01,320 --> 00:18:05,180
Proof of inspection, march past, open
car through the street sort of thing.

333
00:18:05,180 --> 00:18:08,040
of dinner in the mess, brief appearance
on Pathé News, home by Friday.

334
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:09,700
Oh.

335
00:18:10,140 --> 00:18:12,140
No chance for a bit of action, then?

336
00:18:12,460 --> 00:18:14,660
No hand -to -hand with Nazi spies?

337
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:19,840
No thrilling chase as my staff car is
pursued through narrow country lanes by

338
00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:20,840
Gestapo agents?

339
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,460
Sorry, old man, no such luck.

340
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:25,060
Oh, well, damn bad show.

341
00:18:37,610 --> 00:18:38,610
Reg,

342
00:18:40,250 --> 00:18:41,950
that means, will you go to bed with me
tonight?

343
00:18:43,110 --> 00:18:44,970
I learned it off a bloke who'd been at
Mons.

344
00:18:45,330 --> 00:18:47,630
No wonder that onion seller threw his
bike at me.

345
00:18:48,430 --> 00:18:49,570
So, you're not him, then?

346
00:18:50,030 --> 00:18:51,490
Not that Colonel Dupont.

347
00:18:51,750 --> 00:18:55,350
Only had me fooled, the tash. I can't
get it off. It's the bloody MI5 glue.

348
00:18:56,030 --> 00:18:57,910
And I told Phoebe it was all top secret.

349
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:01,820
Anyway, just a bit of routine, innit?
Nice holiday, bit of play acting.

350
00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:05,480
Not the sort of life and death carry -on
you're used to. A bit dull, really.

351
00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:10,780
Unless you're kidnapped by Nazi agents
and smuggled to Berlin, where Gestapo

352
00:19:10,780 --> 00:19:14,800
thugs torture you for weeks on end for
secrets you don't even know.

353
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,400
Yes, Red, I've got my heart set on
something like that. Any chance of a

354
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:21,020
Have you started being him already?

355
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:23,160
Comment, mademoiselle?

356
00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,460
Je ne le peux pas, mademoiselle.

357
00:19:27,939 --> 00:19:29,820
Voulez -vous coucher avec moi, monsieur?

358
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,680
Let me bear back a bit of French
mischief.

359
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,880
Gary Sparrow, that Tash, he looked...
Yeah?

360
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,320
Like Ronald Coleman.

361
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:44,120
It's all part of my Colonel Dupont
disguise, Phoebe, which is top secret,

362
00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:47,380
remember. You know, loose talk and all
that. This operation could change the

363
00:19:47,380 --> 00:19:48,380
entire course of the war.

364
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:51,920
Well, it all started out very thrilling,
Gary, what with black cars, mistaken

365
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,340
identity and high tension over a Gary
Baldy.

366
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:56,620
It hasn't come down to much, has it?

367
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:01,260
Sorry? I'm risking all for my country,
in case you hadn't noticed. I'm about to

368
00:20:01,260 --> 00:20:02,260
become an unsung hero.

369
00:20:02,580 --> 00:20:04,760
Not by spending a few days on the Isle
of Wight.

370
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:09,700
Unless you're given a black car routine
by some Nazi agents who smuggle you back

371
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:13,520
to Berlin and hand you over to the
Gestapo. Yes, yes, I know. Everyone

372
00:20:13,520 --> 00:20:15,780
much happier if I was given a manicure
with a pair of pliers.

373
00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:19,900
But not every mission I go on involves
playing cat and mouse with the

374
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:20,839
More for the pity.

375
00:20:20,840 --> 00:20:22,680
You're lucky. I love the seaside.

376
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,760
Kiss me quick out and a plate of whelps.

377
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,720
That moment when you're wading in and a
wave gets right out the leg of your

378
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,680
codding. Shall I take a shrimping net
and send you a monkey postcard?

379
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:35,420
I used to stand outside a shop reading
those when I used to go for me week in

380
00:20:35,420 --> 00:20:36,420
Margate.

381
00:20:38,180 --> 00:20:43,260
There's this one where there's this
bloke with a great fat belly in the sea

382
00:20:43,260 --> 00:20:44,800
there's his little kid standing there.

383
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:50,560
Only the fat bloke's belly's so big he
can't see him.

384
00:20:51,580 --> 00:20:53,840
And he's talking to this woman with a,
you know...

385
00:20:54,190 --> 00:20:55,770
whopping great wobbly upstairs.

386
00:20:57,830 --> 00:21:02,670
And he's saying, I can't find my little
willy.

387
00:21:03,810 --> 00:21:10,770
The funny thing is, the old joke is,
kid's standing right in front

388
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:11,770
of him.

389
00:21:50,860 --> 00:21:54,560
Sorry to have missed you, it's just that
I was being interrogated by MI5 several

390
00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:55,560
decades ago.

391
00:21:56,080 --> 00:22:00,000
It's a little complicated to explain,
but basically they want me to take on

392
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:03,800
entire German army single -handed. Of
course, I said I could do with some

393
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:08,480
So tomorrow, along with Arnold
Schwarzenegger and Jean -Claude Van

394
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:09,480
going to... What?

395
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:10,760
Oh.

396
00:22:11,860 --> 00:22:14,560
It's a film. I'm going to see it was
wrong, just asking whether you'd mind.

397
00:22:14,780 --> 00:22:16,500
Why would I mind? Or did you get my
message?

398
00:22:16,860 --> 00:22:18,660
Yeah, yeah, I'll just wait the tape for
you.

399
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,880
I thought you were en route to Madrid.

400
00:22:21,500 --> 00:22:23,420
Should be, will be. I'm taking a later
plane.

401
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:25,780
So what's this little task?

402
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,860
Simone Sutherland, the model. She's
flying in for the launch.

403
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,160
Everyone's busy, so I need someone to
pick her up from the hotel and take her

404
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:32,659
the venue.

405
00:22:32,660 --> 00:22:33,940
Make sure she knows the lines.

406
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:37,620
Lines? Praising the product and such.
What do you think she's paid for?

407
00:22:37,860 --> 00:22:38,479
Oh, right.

408
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:41,620
I thought maybe all those people
actually enjoyed using sage and onion

409
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:43,380
Oh, Gary, don't be ridiculous.

410
00:22:43,640 --> 00:22:47,100
You don't really think Nicole and Papa
drive around in tiny hatchbacks, do you?

411
00:22:47,930 --> 00:22:49,530
Details in that envelope. Saturday, OK?

412
00:22:50,090 --> 00:22:52,670
Saturday? Um, well, there's the shop.

413
00:22:53,450 --> 00:22:57,290
Gary, I'm talking about the
international launch of a major product

414
00:22:57,530 --> 00:23:01,730
I think we can sacrifice the proceeds
from the old ration book and ARP

415
00:23:01,730 --> 00:23:02,730
helmets.

416
00:23:03,430 --> 00:23:04,409
Yeah, all right.

417
00:23:04,410 --> 00:23:06,470
I'll be there when you arrive, so just
hand her over to me.

418
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:08,760
It's all fabulous, Gary.

419
00:23:08,980 --> 00:23:10,860
Advanced sales are double expectations.

420
00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:15,820
We've got celeb coverage. We've got
feature articles and interviews coming

421
00:23:16,080 --> 00:23:22,960
And export orders have increased an
overall 14%. Ask me

422
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,120
why I've postponed my flight.

423
00:23:24,940 --> 00:23:28,300
Why have you postponed your flight? Ask
me why I'm lying here with barely

424
00:23:28,300 --> 00:23:31,480
nothing on, having just enjoyed the
benefits of a eucalyptus eye mask.

425
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:35,260
All right, why are you lying there? In
postponing my flight, Gary.

426
00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:37,140
I have created a window.

427
00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:41,900
A window through which you might like to
effect an entry.

428
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:44,480
Oh, right.

429
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:49,560
Life's been so hectic, Gary. Back and
forth, to and fro. There just isn't

430
00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:51,020
time to fit everything in.

431
00:23:51,260 --> 00:23:52,260
I'd noticed.

432
00:23:52,860 --> 00:23:57,620
And I do have needs, Gary. Just like any
other vital and dynamic businesswoman.

433
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:02,120
No, there'll be a phone call.

434
00:24:02,500 --> 00:24:04,360
Unplugged. On your mobile. Switched off.

435
00:24:07,020 --> 00:24:08,920
Car to the airport. In three hours.

436
00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:10,580
All right.

437
00:24:11,500 --> 00:24:16,980
Well, I'm looking at the window, Yvonne,
and I am thoroughly enjoying the view.

438
00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:21,160
Oh, never mind looking at the window,
Gary. Get your leg over the sill.

439
00:24:25,920 --> 00:24:26,920
Gary.

440
00:24:27,860 --> 00:24:28,860
Yes?

441
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,400
Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary.

442
00:24:32,940 --> 00:24:35,180
Yes, Yvonne? That was...

443
00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:38,610
I'm sorry?

444
00:24:38,750 --> 00:24:40,310
Well, the nicest possible way.

445
00:24:41,430 --> 00:24:44,870
No wonder you grew this so fast. Your
testosterone must be on red alert.

446
00:24:47,010 --> 00:24:48,790
Never mind looking at the window, Gary.

447
00:24:49,230 --> 00:24:50,710
Let's go for the full house.

448
00:24:53,290 --> 00:24:54,290
That'll be the car.

449
00:24:54,550 --> 00:24:55,429
It'll wait.

450
00:24:55,430 --> 00:24:56,770
The plane won't.

451
00:24:57,570 --> 00:24:58,570
You're right.

452
00:24:59,630 --> 00:25:04,410
Gary Sparrow, I want you to stay exactly
where you are until I get back.

453
00:25:05,550 --> 00:25:06,550
Don't move.

454
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:07,720
I must go.

455
00:25:20,300 --> 00:25:23,160
The things you do for your country.

456
00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:26,940
This is a badge of honour, Ron. I have a
date with destiny.

457
00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:31,540
Yeah, well, in case it's not quite the
doddle you expect it to be, I got you a

458
00:25:31,540 --> 00:25:32,540
going -away present.

459
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,400
That will stop everything except Akak.

460
00:25:35,820 --> 00:25:39,340
Ron, my mission is danger -free. I'm the
decoy, not the duck.

461
00:25:39,620 --> 00:25:41,620
OK. Famous last words?

462
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:44,760
Well, there were... Well, take it if you
insist.

463
00:25:45,060 --> 00:25:46,180
I don't want to be ungracious.

464
00:25:46,820 --> 00:25:48,900
It's got a sort of jockstrap bit at the
front.

465
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:53,000
Delightful, thank you. And a flap at the
back that covers your bum. Right,

466
00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:57,280
I'll... Well, bye then, Ron.

467
00:25:58,180 --> 00:26:00,480
Lastly, a chance to be someone.

468
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:03,600
No, Gary.

469
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,640
A chance to be someone else.

470
00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:09,620
All set, Gary?

471
00:26:09,740 --> 00:26:10,740
All set.

472
00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:12,500
Raring to go and ready to do my bit.

473
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,800
It's a shame I won't get a crack at
Jerry.

474
00:26:18,020 --> 00:26:19,800
A frightful shame, old boy. Next time,
what?

475
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:21,940
Now then, time and tide, eh?

476
00:26:22,340 --> 00:26:23,680
Your act starts here.

477
00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,140
Chaps on the boat think you're really
Dupont.

478
00:26:26,540 --> 00:26:28,660
As you leave, I shall give you a
cracking salute.

479
00:26:29,060 --> 00:26:30,060
Why?

480
00:26:30,140 --> 00:26:32,940
Establish the deception, old boy. You're
a superior officer.

481
00:26:33,639 --> 00:26:34,660
You outwank me.

482
00:26:36,420 --> 00:26:38,300
So, what's in my head, old man?

483
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,960
Yes, for the eel of the weekend.

484
00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:43,520
But, uh, why are we leaving from Dover?

485
00:26:43,980 --> 00:26:45,320
Oh, Red Henning, old boy.

486
00:26:45,620 --> 00:26:46,620
False trail.

487
00:26:46,780 --> 00:26:47,780
KV, KV.

488
00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:50,080
Good luck.

489
00:27:36,350 --> 00:27:37,450
Eel of Wiggett.

490
00:27:38,850 --> 00:27:41,030
This isn't the bloody Eel of Wiggett.

491
00:28:07,659 --> 00:28:12,320
Bastard. Good night, sweetheart.

492
00:28:12,840 --> 00:28:16,160
Sleep will banish sorrow.

493
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:20,120
Good night, sweetheart.

494
00:28:20,720 --> 00:28:23,440
Till we meet tomorrow.