1 00:00:00,780 --> 00:00:03,400 Good night, sweetheart. 2 00:00:04,059 --> 00:00:10,040 All my prayers are for you. Good night, 3 00:00:10,060 --> 00:00:15,640 sweetheart. I'll be watching over you. 4 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:21,840 Tears and parting may make us alone. 5 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:29,400 But with the dawn, a new day is born. 6 00:00:48,620 --> 00:00:51,140 Oh, good evening, sir. I wonder if you could spare a minute. 7 00:00:51,380 --> 00:00:52,319 Oh, no, don't tell me. 8 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:56,120 You're an unemployed young person who's decided to get on their bike, and you're 9 00:00:56,120 --> 00:01:00,540 here to give me the opportunity of buying a genuine Jurassic Park solid 10 00:01:00,540 --> 00:01:03,800 tax disc holder for the bargain price that I... No, no, I'm collecting for 11 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:08,020 charity. I put a plastic bag and a card through your door yesterday to say we'd 12 00:01:08,020 --> 00:01:11,340 be round collecting unwanted clothes, yeah? Oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, sorry 13 00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:15,780 somehow. There you go. 14 00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:17,840 I said charity. 15 00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:20,220 Not the Victoria and Albert Museum. 16 00:01:22,080 --> 00:01:23,360 It looks very nice on. 17 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,140 Caught you out, then. Hi. 18 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,280 What do you mean? 19 00:01:28,500 --> 00:01:31,460 You should have got rid of the visiting massage service a mile earlier, Gary. 20 00:01:31,660 --> 00:01:35,060 Why was she going walking up and down your back in her Doc Martens? She was 21 00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:35,999 a charity. 22 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,140 Oh, I didn't realise you were such a deserving call. 23 00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:41,920 Been up in the loft, have you, eh? Yeah. Going to be the next Elton John after 24 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:43,940 all. Well, I'm not so sure, you know. 25 00:01:44,430 --> 00:01:47,750 On the one hand, there's the enormous wealth, the fame, the access to the 26 00:01:47,750 --> 00:01:49,090 world's finest hair weavers. 27 00:01:49,590 --> 00:01:51,670 On the other, you've got to watch Watford play every week. 28 00:01:52,310 --> 00:01:56,490 So, how was your open university course, then? Are you officially clever? 29 00:01:56,770 --> 00:01:58,070 I'm officially brilliant. 30 00:01:58,270 --> 00:01:59,310 It was fantastic. 31 00:01:59,530 --> 00:02:02,890 I loved it. And I got a terrific reaction when I read my dissertation. 32 00:02:03,530 --> 00:02:07,510 Oh, yeah? It was entitled Fantasy, Reality and Obsession, a case study. 33 00:02:07,950 --> 00:02:09,650 It wasn't about me by any chance, was it? 34 00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,350 Asked her husband with a mixture of pride and trepidation. 35 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:13,710 Oh, you're so vain. 36 00:02:14,410 --> 00:02:18,310 Although, since we're talking about people with a tenuous grip on reality, 37 00:02:18,310 --> 00:02:19,650 long have you been cuddling your spit suit? 38 00:02:20,490 --> 00:02:23,490 Oh, no, I wasn't cuddling it. I was trying to get rid of it. 39 00:02:24,170 --> 00:02:27,870 But it seems the George Rath look is not yet de rigueur in the third world. Oh? 40 00:02:28,350 --> 00:02:29,670 Does that mean the party's off? 41 00:02:30,330 --> 00:02:34,170 What party? The surprise 1940s theme party you said you were going to throw 42 00:02:34,170 --> 00:02:35,170 my birthday. 43 00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:40,310 Yeah, well, it's not much of a surprise now, is it? I know. I'm sorry. I blew 44 00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:42,870 it. I've just been so wound up with my core. 45 00:02:43,450 --> 00:02:46,910 But now I've got through this stage, I can relax a bit more. We can do more 46 00:02:46,910 --> 00:02:47,749 things together. 47 00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:49,150 I can share your interests more. 48 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,830 What are there this week? 49 00:02:51,390 --> 00:02:56,250 Knock it off, Yvonne. No, I mean it. I can understand why the 40s appealed so 50 00:02:56,250 --> 00:02:58,350 much. It's a time of certainty. 51 00:02:58,710 --> 00:03:02,630 A time when people knew what they were doing and why they were doing it. A time 52 00:03:02,630 --> 00:03:05,790 when men wore hats and women dyed their legs with cold tea. 53 00:03:06,810 --> 00:03:08,990 You're sending me off again, aren't you? Only a bit. 54 00:03:09,630 --> 00:03:11,550 And that dancing was really nice. 55 00:03:12,110 --> 00:03:15,230 You know when we did the foxtrot? Or the quick step, or whatever it was. 56 00:03:15,510 --> 00:03:17,190 I like it when the man takes the lead. 57 00:03:17,790 --> 00:03:18,790 Once in a while. 58 00:03:19,350 --> 00:03:22,510 You're not going to change your course from psychology to pathobi, are you? 59 00:03:22,590 --> 00:03:23,970 Don't be so prickly, Gary. 60 00:03:24,750 --> 00:03:27,390 No, I just thought maybe we could take dancing lessons together. 61 00:03:27,910 --> 00:03:29,470 Well, it would give us a shared interest. 62 00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,010 An excuse. 63 00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:34,010 Or a reason to hold each other more. 64 00:03:34,610 --> 00:03:36,550 It might improve our sex life, too. 65 00:03:37,230 --> 00:03:38,370 You think it needs improving? 66 00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:41,560 Well, I was talking to some of the girls on the course and they said that the 67 00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,560 average... They're lying. 68 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:04,880 What are you doing here? 69 00:04:05,660 --> 00:04:06,660 No, don't tell me. 70 00:04:07,100 --> 00:04:09,740 The Martians have landed and they've sent you to get some change of planet 71 00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:10,740 cards. 72 00:04:10,920 --> 00:04:11,940 I'm sorry, Ron. 73 00:04:12,500 --> 00:04:14,420 And that's supposed to make it all better, is it? 74 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:19,260 I mean, what sort of a practical joker gets me to print him a set of wartime 75 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:23,280 papers, says he can take me through to the past, and then leaves me stranded in 76 00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:25,040 the East End looking like a right div? 77 00:04:26,240 --> 00:04:29,640 The last thing this world needs, and I mean the very last thing, is another 78 00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:30,640 Jeremy Beadle. 79 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,740 I mean, where did you disappear to? And don't say the blitz, otherwise you'll be 80 00:04:40,740 --> 00:04:42,280 experiencing a sudden blackout. 81 00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,920 Look, I know you're not going to believe anything I say. 82 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,620 I just wanted to thank you for not telling Yvonne. 83 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,640 Yeah, well, I nearly did. 84 00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:51,760 But I don't believe in grassing on pals. 85 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:53,420 Even ex -pals. 86 00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,740 Look, I know you've got the hump. The hump? 87 00:04:57,020 --> 00:04:59,700 I've got enough hump to reform the camel corps. 88 00:05:01,380 --> 00:05:07,470 And as for my hair, what there is left of it, I make... Billy Jones looked like 89 00:05:07,470 --> 00:05:08,550 a New Age traveller! 90 00:05:10,610 --> 00:05:12,450 I think it looks very masculine. 91 00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,850 In a severe sort of way. 92 00:05:15,890 --> 00:05:16,910 Don't take the Michael. 93 00:05:18,430 --> 00:05:19,430 Stella hates it. 94 00:05:20,270 --> 00:05:22,370 She used to love running her fingers through my hair. 95 00:05:22,950 --> 00:05:26,910 In fact, at the moment of maximum passion, she used to like to grab hold 96 00:05:26,910 --> 00:05:27,910 hang on tight. 97 00:05:28,290 --> 00:05:30,530 But now, no hair equals no passion. 98 00:05:30,730 --> 00:05:33,070 So go on, get lost, I've got work to do. 99 00:05:33,310 --> 00:05:34,510 I've got something to show you. 100 00:05:35,530 --> 00:05:36,870 It's from 1940. 101 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,430 Don't start... No, really. 102 00:05:39,350 --> 00:05:40,350 Look. 103 00:05:43,690 --> 00:05:44,690 Well? 104 00:05:46,270 --> 00:05:47,270 You're a printer. 105 00:05:47,590 --> 00:05:48,810 How old's that paper? 106 00:05:49,130 --> 00:05:50,130 53 years? 107 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,610 Or 53 hours? 108 00:05:54,130 --> 00:05:59,810 Well, you've either got a 1938 Hogue Grabtree hot metal press in your attic, 109 00:05:59,810 --> 00:06:00,810 you really did go back. 110 00:06:02,190 --> 00:06:03,970 But why couldn't I? I don't know. 111 00:06:04,590 --> 00:06:06,850 Maybe it was because I didn't believe, didn't have enough faith. 112 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:10,650 But next time... No, it can't be that. The first time I went back, I didn't 113 00:06:10,650 --> 00:06:11,650 there was a back to go to. 114 00:06:12,770 --> 00:06:15,710 And... There isn't going to be a next time. 115 00:06:16,870 --> 00:06:17,950 Phoebe walked out on me. 116 00:06:18,650 --> 00:06:21,830 And Yvonne wants to make our marriage work, so maybe now's the time to start 117 00:06:21,830 --> 00:06:22,990 thinking about the present, you know? 118 00:06:23,270 --> 00:06:24,910 My wife, my mates. 119 00:06:25,730 --> 00:06:26,730 I understand. 120 00:06:27,610 --> 00:06:30,210 So do you fancy a baby tonight, then? Can't tonight, Ron. 121 00:06:30,810 --> 00:06:32,450 I'm starting boring dancing classes. 122 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:46,300 I've finished moving the furniture. 123 00:06:49,980 --> 00:06:50,980 Ta -da! 124 00:06:53,500 --> 00:06:56,760 Don't panic. I think a card came through from one of those 24 -hour 125 00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,600 psychiatrists. Low call -out charge, no brain too small. 126 00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,840 Well, I just hired it for a laugh and stuff. Well, it's worked. 127 00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:08,460 Gary, why do you always plunge into everything with this 150 % over -the 128 00:07:08,460 --> 00:07:11,260 attitude? Oh, I don't know. It probably wasn't breastfed long enough. 129 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:13,240 Or too long. 130 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:14,960 Or too much from one side? 131 00:07:15,180 --> 00:07:16,840 Oh, that explains one thing. 132 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:18,199 Explains what? 133 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,880 It doesn't matter. I'm not complaining. 134 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,440 Oh. 135 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,820 That makes synchronised swimmers look depressed. 136 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:28,160 Go on, then. 137 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,680 What do you mean? What? That foot. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Go on, then. 138 00:07:35,180 --> 00:07:36,680 No, you've got to smile. You've got to go... 139 00:07:43,790 --> 00:07:44,790 You come here often? 140 00:07:44,850 --> 00:07:47,330 Sometimes, but sometimes I have to fake it. 141 00:07:48,730 --> 00:07:50,030 What do you do for a living? 142 00:07:50,250 --> 00:07:51,250 I'm an obsessive. 143 00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:53,450 I'm hoping to be promoted to a psychotic. 144 00:07:54,370 --> 00:07:58,710 You? Assistant personnel manager and part -time sex goddess. 145 00:07:58,930 --> 00:08:01,670 Really? Why wouldn't you do that then, evenings and weekends? 146 00:08:01,890 --> 00:08:03,030 Whenever I get the chance, really. 147 00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:05,930 That was super. 148 00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:09,830 Now, let's all try a basic tango. 149 00:08:10,810 --> 00:08:12,290 Fancy a basic tango? 150 00:08:12,810 --> 00:08:13,930 I bought another video, too. 151 00:08:14,250 --> 00:08:15,250 Oh. 152 00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:17,450 I don't want to watch a martial arts film. 153 00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:20,490 It's not martial, my little dyslexic. It's marital. 154 00:08:23,090 --> 00:08:24,090 Yeah? 155 00:08:24,990 --> 00:08:25,990 Yeah. 156 00:08:26,690 --> 00:08:29,230 You'll have to do a bit of part -time work, eh? I might. 157 00:08:30,250 --> 00:08:34,049 I'll just go upstairs and change into something a little more comfortable, 158 00:08:34,049 --> 00:08:35,049 I? Oh, yeah. 159 00:08:35,710 --> 00:08:38,190 As long as it's not your acroland card in your carpet slippers. 160 00:08:43,659 --> 00:08:47,960 But the plucky old -age pensioner saw off the raiders by threatening them with 161 00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,820 her husband's World War II revolver. 162 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,680 When we asked 80 -year -old Phoebe Sparrow from Bethnal Green how she felt, 163 00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:58,540 said, I lived through the blitz. A couple of hooligans aren't going to get 164 00:08:58,540 --> 00:08:59,540 better of me. 165 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,180 Ron, this changes everything, don't you see? Why? 166 00:09:02,860 --> 00:09:05,300 80 -year -old Phoebe Sparrow. 167 00:09:05,580 --> 00:09:06,960 It must mean we got married. 168 00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:08,260 Not necessarily. 169 00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:11,020 She may have married somebody else with your surname. 170 00:09:11,790 --> 00:09:16,050 Or maybe she never met anybody else like you and started using your name in a 171 00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:20,270 wistful, nay, poignant attempt to keep alive the dying embers of your brief, 172 00:09:20,350 --> 00:09:21,450 unfulfilled relationship. 173 00:09:22,110 --> 00:09:25,050 Let's say we did get married, back in the 1940s. 174 00:09:25,490 --> 00:09:28,310 If I don't go back, I'm changing the course of history. 175 00:09:28,730 --> 00:09:32,270 But if you pursue that argument, you risk changing the course of history 176 00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:34,250 time you do go back, don't you? Well, not really. 177 00:09:34,510 --> 00:09:37,030 It is my Grandpa Gareth's name on my ration book. 178 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:40,680 So if anyone does check up, at least there's a Mr G Sparrow on the electoral 179 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,720 roll. And what happens if somebody decides to pop round to your grandad's 180 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,560 visit you? Come on, what are the odds on that? 181 00:09:46,040 --> 00:09:47,880 Plus, he spent most of the war on submarines. 182 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,640 But if I don't marry Phoebe when I'm supposed to... Then why don't you just 183 00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:56,140 round and visit this battling granny? See if she recognises you. I can't do 184 00:09:56,140 --> 00:09:57,300 that. The shot could kill her. 185 00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,540 You're going to have to cover for me. 186 00:09:59,940 --> 00:10:01,520 So you can go back and marry Phoebe? 187 00:10:01,980 --> 00:10:03,180 No, she thinks I'm already married. 188 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,520 To Marilyn Monroe. 189 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:09,800 It was the first name that came into my head. 190 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:11,040 That's brilliant. 191 00:10:11,420 --> 00:10:12,420 Here, hang about. 192 00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:17,860 Next time you go back, if anybody asks, you can show them a picture of your 193 00:10:17,860 --> 00:10:18,860 wife. 194 00:10:19,540 --> 00:10:21,300 Oh, my love. 195 00:10:22,720 --> 00:10:23,720 Marilee. 196 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,040 There you go. Thanks. 197 00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:28,360 So when are you going back? 198 00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:32,520 Well, I was thinking, England are playing in Lithuania tomorrow night, 199 00:10:32,580 --> 00:10:34,820 Now, I could say that you and me have been given tickets. 200 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:36,600 OK. 201 00:10:36,860 --> 00:10:38,440 If she asks, I'll cover for you. 202 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,600 No, you're actually going to have to go. 203 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,300 Well, just in case Stella says something to Yvonne. 204 00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:45,640 But I don't want to go to Lithuania. 205 00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:48,940 It'll cost me a fortune. 206 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:52,540 The beer will be garbage and the results a foregone conclusion. 207 00:10:53,640 --> 00:10:55,560 Shock win for plucky Lithuania. 208 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,000 All right, I'll pay. 209 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,160 Eh? If you go, I'll pay. 210 00:11:01,180 --> 00:11:03,500 Haven't you ever wanted a Lithuanian stamp in your passport? 211 00:11:15,150 --> 00:11:18,210 Yeah, of course, by stuffing himself with too much pasta and Newcastle brown. 212 00:11:18,690 --> 00:11:20,070 Are you still here? 213 00:11:20,590 --> 00:11:23,090 Er, yeah, yeah, just off. 214 00:11:23,390 --> 00:11:25,090 I'm going to pick up Ron on my way to the airport. 215 00:11:25,410 --> 00:11:26,410 I can't believe you're going. 216 00:11:27,150 --> 00:11:30,550 It's only a football match, I'm not defecting. Gary, the last time you went 217 00:11:30,550 --> 00:11:33,890 see England play, you spent the rest of the month scouring yellow pages for a 218 00:11:33,890 --> 00:11:35,510 hitman who assassinated Graham Taylor. 219 00:11:36,730 --> 00:11:37,770 Hey, go on, you don't understand. 220 00:11:38,570 --> 00:11:41,730 Hating the manager and despising his team selection is one of the only 221 00:11:41,730 --> 00:11:42,910 left in supporting England. 222 00:11:43,230 --> 00:11:44,910 Every fan life I think he can do better. 223 00:11:45,230 --> 00:11:48,270 Don't remind me how to type your job application when Bobby Robson resigned. 224 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:50,710 Yeah, and did I even get the courtesy of a reply? 225 00:11:52,270 --> 00:11:53,910 They thought you were a mite underqualified. 226 00:11:54,410 --> 00:11:58,190 I mean, as I recall, the season you were player manager for the work's third 227 00:11:58,190 --> 00:12:01,530 team, Domestic Appliance League Division Air. I had a weak squad. 228 00:12:01,790 --> 00:12:04,670 The results read, played 11, lost 11. 229 00:12:05,070 --> 00:12:07,810 Goals for three, goals against 57. 230 00:12:09,450 --> 00:12:10,450 Points, Gary? 231 00:12:13,070 --> 00:12:14,070 Minus two. 232 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:18,300 Quite an achievement, that, isn't it? Finishing the season with fewer points 233 00:12:18,300 --> 00:12:19,300 than you started with. 234 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:22,640 My doctor's two points for fielding an unregistered goalie. I know. 235 00:12:22,860 --> 00:12:23,860 Me. 236 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:27,340 Still say their ninth goal was offside. 237 00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,740 Look, if this is about me going to Lithuania... Oh, the ruble's dropped, 238 00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:34,180 Gary? I thought we were supposed to be doing more things together. 239 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:35,139 We are. 240 00:12:35,140 --> 00:12:36,340 We started the ballroom dancing. 241 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,380 I know. Why don't I come to Lithuania with you? 242 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,120 What? 243 00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:43,940 Could be quite romantic, Vilnius, in November. 244 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,640 No, you see, because I've only got... Gary, I'm only winding you up. 245 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,020 Go on, clear off before I tie your shoelaces together. 246 00:12:52,400 --> 00:12:53,400 Thanks. 247 00:12:53,620 --> 00:12:56,080 And don't forget to buy plenty of condoms at the airport. 248 00:12:56,880 --> 00:13:00,340 What? You don't think I'm going over there... Of course not, sir. They're in 249 00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:01,319 short supply. 250 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,140 Might be able to swap them for some caviar. 251 00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:19,950 I'd hate to think he suffered. 252 00:13:20,370 --> 00:13:23,370 Probably kept him drugged out with morphine. I doubt he felt a sausage. 253 00:13:23,690 --> 00:13:25,110 Yes, but he was also stubborn. 254 00:13:25,470 --> 00:13:26,470 Yes. 255 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,150 Catapulted into our lives in a moment of crisis. 256 00:13:29,730 --> 00:13:32,990 Yet somehow he always seemed out of step with his own time. 257 00:13:34,050 --> 00:13:34,889 I'm not dead. 258 00:13:34,890 --> 00:13:36,390 Oh, Gary, how do you feel? 259 00:13:36,690 --> 00:13:39,410 I'm fine, honest. I'm not dead. Of course you're not, son. 260 00:13:39,710 --> 00:13:43,750 You've got a badly sprained wrist, concussion, bruising and contusions. 261 00:13:44,350 --> 00:13:48,090 You were talking as if I was dead. We were talking about Mr Chamberlain. 262 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:50,200 He kicked the bucket on a Saturday night. 263 00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:56,340 He was out in the fog as well, was he? You two, former leaders of his Majesty's 264 00:13:56,340 --> 00:13:57,640 Government, do not kick buckets. 265 00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,640 They pass away peacefully in the night. Allow the man some dignity. 266 00:14:01,980 --> 00:14:03,100 I don't see why I should. 267 00:14:03,420 --> 00:14:06,960 It was because of appeasers like him and Mr Baldwin that we're in this war. 268 00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:11,600 If we'd stopped Hitler back in 36 when he re -militarised the Rhinelands... 269 00:14:12,770 --> 00:14:15,230 I am not just a pretty face, Gary Sparrow. 270 00:14:15,490 --> 00:14:18,450 That's right, son. After all, it wouldn't Phoebe who went out in the 271 00:14:18,450 --> 00:14:19,450 without a torch. 272 00:14:20,110 --> 00:14:21,350 Well, what was it, a hit and run? 273 00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:24,730 In a way, it was the ambulance that hit you. What, run you up the hospital? 274 00:14:26,470 --> 00:14:31,170 You had us all going for a bit. Some of the stuff you're babbling in your sleep. 275 00:14:31,570 --> 00:14:32,570 Like what? Hold on. 276 00:14:33,370 --> 00:14:39,970 High -eight camcorder, night -cam digital stereo, something about 277 00:14:39,970 --> 00:14:41,830 laser, lazy discs. 278 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,640 Yeah, well, forget all that. It's top secret. 279 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,000 Told you. 280 00:14:46,060 --> 00:14:47,060 Enough said. 281 00:14:50,680 --> 00:14:51,680 Anyway, 282 00:14:52,580 --> 00:14:53,820 good to see you're on the mend. 283 00:14:54,420 --> 00:14:56,160 Right, I must pop down to mortuary. 284 00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:58,660 My old Cyril usually has a kettle on about now. 285 00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:01,620 Yeah, I'd better be on my way as well. 286 00:15:01,820 --> 00:15:04,040 Oh, don't be daft. Look at the state of you. 287 00:15:04,380 --> 00:15:07,400 That's right, a quack would be wanting to give you the once -over. No, I'm 288 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:08,480 honest. I just... 289 00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:11,700 See? You're in no fit state to go anywhere. 290 00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:14,700 You're worried your Marilyn will be missing you. 291 00:15:14,940 --> 00:15:17,540 No, she's not expecting me back until tonight. 292 00:15:17,780 --> 00:15:18,920 Who's this Marilyn, then? 293 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:20,280 His wife. 294 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,400 Well, where are you going to go and see Cyril, then? 295 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:25,360 Right you are. 296 00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,700 I'll tell you something for nothing, Gary. 297 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:37,400 My heart went off in my mouth when PC Debman told us you'd been run over. 298 00:15:38,110 --> 00:15:39,110 Didn't know you cared. 299 00:15:39,430 --> 00:15:40,490 Course you did. 300 00:15:41,170 --> 00:15:45,090 Well, I just thought, after life, Pam, you know, when you walked out on me. 301 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:48,910 You were entitled to, of course, seeing as you just found out I was still 302 00:15:48,910 --> 00:15:49,910 secretly married. 303 00:15:49,930 --> 00:15:55,650 Yeah. Well, I know I hit the roof, but I think I've been hasty and I've had a 304 00:15:55,650 --> 00:16:00,510 chance to think and I... Well, I realise now that when you used to go on about 305 00:16:00,510 --> 00:16:05,610 how after the war people won't be forced to stay in loveless marriages, you 306 00:16:05,610 --> 00:16:07,390 weren't only talking about me and Donald. 307 00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:10,360 You were talking about you and Marilyn and all. 308 00:16:11,180 --> 00:16:13,440 So perhaps we're destined to be together. 309 00:16:14,420 --> 00:16:15,420 Destined? 310 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:19,060 Phoebe, do you believe in all that fate stuff? 311 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,000 Yes, I do. 312 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,800 I believe there's a purpose to life. 313 00:16:24,220 --> 00:16:26,580 That it isn't all just a big game of charm. 314 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,760 I didn't know you were so deep. 315 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,500 There's a lot you've got to learn about me. 316 00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:33,440 Here we are again. 317 00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,020 I've retrieved your personal belongings. Oh, great. 318 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:37,500 Hold your horses. 319 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:39,740 Got to make sure everything's all present and correct. 320 00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,800 Now, one suit, brown. 321 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:46,020 One shirt, bloodstained. 322 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,360 One pair of underpants, illustrated. 323 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,140 Yeah, all right. I know what I was wearing. 324 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,140 Procedures have to be adhered to, son. Please. 325 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:59,940 Now, where was I? One watch, broken. 326 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,780 One wallet, brown leather, containing. 327 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:06,660 One five -pound note, two one -pound notes, one ten -shilling note. 328 00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:12,200 A picture of a rather glamorous blonde signed, All my love, Marilyn. 329 00:17:12,540 --> 00:17:13,399 Yeah, do you mind? 330 00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,660 Why's that Irving? Can I see? 331 00:17:15,060 --> 00:17:17,520 This is the trouble and strife, then. She looks a corker. 332 00:17:18,140 --> 00:17:19,480 Yeah, she's American. 333 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,980 Oh, well, that explains it. You never get my mythies to have her snap taken, 334 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,640 standing on top of a great din with a skirt blown up round her handbag. 335 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:29,240 Bit saucy, if you don't mind my saying so. 336 00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:34,810 So, I'll find Mrs Sparrow at 23 Maidstone Gardens, Crickerwood, will I? 337 00:17:35,070 --> 00:17:37,430 Look, see, that picture was taken a long time ago. 338 00:17:37,670 --> 00:17:40,670 Tell you what, I'll be off duty in about half hour. I could pop round there, 339 00:17:40,710 --> 00:17:41,830 tell her you're all right. No. 340 00:17:42,790 --> 00:17:45,410 No, there's no need. Of course there's a need. 341 00:17:45,710 --> 00:17:47,130 Poor woman would be distraught. 342 00:17:47,390 --> 00:17:48,630 She might need comforting. 343 00:17:49,350 --> 00:17:52,910 Is this grating anywhere near your ass at all? 344 00:17:54,350 --> 00:17:55,350 Sorry, Grandma. 345 00:17:57,830 --> 00:17:58,830 What's wrong? 346 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,500 She's ever so glamorous. 347 00:18:03,140 --> 00:18:04,620 Oh, I must be bonkers. 348 00:18:05,300 --> 00:18:06,300 Why? 349 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,760 To think that you might prefer me to her. 350 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:14,300 Don't be silly, Fee. All right, girl. Stop mooning at him and get back down 351 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:18,200 pub. There's all the tables to scrub down before opening time. Dad! 352 00:18:18,820 --> 00:18:22,800 Don't you dad me. Go on, hop it. I want a word with young Romeo here. 353 00:18:24,300 --> 00:18:25,300 PTFE. 354 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:32,760 Well, you got a devious way with you, I must say. 355 00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:37,600 What? She was beside herself when she found out you was married, you two 356 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:42,020 gigolo. But I thought, well, at least this way she'll get him out of her 357 00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:45,720 and then, blow me, you stage this little accident to win her back. 358 00:18:45,980 --> 00:18:49,720 Hold on, stage an accident? I could have been killed. Tommy Rot, you wait till 359 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,180 it's foggy and the traffic's all creeping about at five miles an hour, 360 00:18:53,180 --> 00:18:56,120 walk in front of an ambulance, let it strike you a glancing blow. 361 00:18:56,560 --> 00:18:57,620 Why would I do that? 362 00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:58,920 It's obvious. 363 00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:03,620 She's my only daughter, I'm a pub landlord of many years' standing, good 364 00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:08,260 reputation, fine line of business. You worm your way into her affections, 365 00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:13,000 her mind against her lawfully wedded spouse, a brave soldier away doing his 366 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,300 up to his neck in muck and bullets. 367 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:15,599 He's in the desert. 368 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:16,840 Well, all right, then, sand and bullets. 369 00:19:17,360 --> 00:19:22,460 Either way, when I finally pop my clogs, you intend to move into a nice, 370 00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,700 comfortable little tenancy. 371 00:19:24,020 --> 00:19:26,620 I know what you're up to, you can't fool me. 372 00:19:26,940 --> 00:19:28,560 I wasn't born yesterday. 373 00:19:30,550 --> 00:19:31,550 Neither was I. 374 00:19:43,110 --> 00:19:47,870 What are you doing here? 375 00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:50,470 I just wondered if Gary might fancy a few beds. 376 00:19:50,910 --> 00:19:52,050 No, he's not home yet. 377 00:19:52,390 --> 00:19:53,450 I'll call back tomorrow. 378 00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:54,750 You will not. 379 00:20:00,650 --> 00:20:01,650 Where is Gary? 380 00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:04,610 Well, I just presumed he made his own way back. 381 00:20:04,850 --> 00:20:08,130 You know, caught a train, changed it to Smolensk for Liverpool Street. 382 00:20:09,110 --> 00:20:10,970 But didn't you say he wasn't on the plane with you? 383 00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:15,790 Well, after a few bites and grass vodkas, Elvis could have been sitting 384 00:20:15,790 --> 00:20:16,790 me and I wouldn't have noticed. 385 00:20:17,330 --> 00:20:18,570 Don't push your luck, Ron. 386 00:20:18,910 --> 00:20:20,090 Now, I am angry. 387 00:20:20,570 --> 00:20:23,350 What really happened? And it's no use covering for him. 388 00:20:23,590 --> 00:20:24,750 I can't, Yvonne. 389 00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:27,830 He's my mate. You shouldn't ask mates to grass on mates. 390 00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:30,250 Spare me this male bonding. 391 00:20:30,610 --> 00:20:34,570 But, Yvonne... Tell me, otherwise you won't have anything male left to bond 392 00:20:34,570 --> 00:20:37,470 with. Now, where the hell is my husband? 393 00:20:38,310 --> 00:20:44,650 Well, if he's not here, then he's probably in a Lithuanian prison awaiting 394 00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:45,650 trial. 395 00:20:45,910 --> 00:20:47,410 What? Don't worry. 396 00:20:47,690 --> 00:20:52,210 I expect they'll just fine him for indecent exposure, then deport him. 397 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:53,210 exposure? 398 00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,080 He'll probably never be able to go back to Lithuania for the rest of his life, 399 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,420 but that's no great hardship. 400 00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:58,640 The beer's garbage! 401 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:00,160 What happened? 402 00:21:01,380 --> 00:21:08,220 Well, after the game, we decided to go for a drink with 403 00:21:08,220 --> 00:21:11,680 an unusually sophisticated group of supporters from Ashton Underline. 404 00:21:13,120 --> 00:21:16,600 Unfortunately, we mistook this little museum for a pub. 405 00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:19,980 It being rather dark this time of year in the Arctic Circle. 406 00:21:20,700 --> 00:21:21,700 And there was a... 407 00:21:21,950 --> 00:21:28,250 regrettable incident involving a Zippo lighter a bottle of damson brandy and a 408 00:21:28,250 --> 00:21:35,010 700 year old tapestry nothing to do with gary of course consequently the curator 409 00:21:35,010 --> 00:21:40,130 called the riot police and the last i saw of gary he was being chased through 410 00:21:40,130 --> 00:21:46,410 the red light district by 17 armed gendarmes wearing nothing but a union 411 00:21:46,410 --> 00:21:49,550 gary that is not the police 412 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:53,720 Are you making this up? 413 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:58,780 Yvonne, if I could make this up, I'd be writing Emmerdale Farm. 414 00:22:05,820 --> 00:22:06,820 Hello. 415 00:22:07,080 --> 00:22:08,080 Hello yourself. 416 00:22:09,940 --> 00:22:11,100 You look miles better. 417 00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:13,400 Yeah, yeah, I feel miles better. 418 00:22:14,220 --> 00:22:16,700 In fact, the doctor said I can go home whenever I want. 419 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,760 Oh, then why haven't you? 420 00:22:19,800 --> 00:22:22,040 Don't fancy going home to your Marilyn, then? 421 00:22:22,590 --> 00:22:24,750 No, I was just hoping you'd pop in. 422 00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:26,170 Oh. 423 00:22:26,410 --> 00:22:27,410 Well, I have. 424 00:22:27,830 --> 00:22:29,610 So there you are then, clever dick. 425 00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:32,190 Read me like a book, can't you? 426 00:22:34,550 --> 00:22:35,810 Cheer up. Might never happen. 427 00:22:36,890 --> 00:22:37,890 I know. 428 00:22:38,390 --> 00:22:39,390 That's the trouble. 429 00:22:42,290 --> 00:22:43,310 I'd be hell to live with. 430 00:22:43,950 --> 00:22:47,170 Always coming and going unannounced, spending weeks away, never able to tell 431 00:22:47,170 --> 00:22:48,069 where I've been. 432 00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:49,110 Gary, what are you saying? 433 00:22:50,890 --> 00:22:51,890 I'm not sure. 434 00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:53,520 I thought I'd find you in here. 435 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,840 Well, it is a hospital. I've been run over. Oh, well, I'm speaking to you, 436 00:22:56,880 --> 00:22:59,340 Phoebe. I thought I forbade you ever to see him again. 437 00:22:59,540 --> 00:23:02,880 Oh, don't start all that again, Dad. I will start all that again, Dad. 438 00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:07,760 You are cheapening yourself with a married man who's got a wife waiting and 439 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:10,720 worrying for him over in Cricklewood. Not exactly, Eric. Eh? 440 00:23:11,460 --> 00:23:15,160 I don't like to have to break this to you, son, but I called in on your 441 00:23:15,340 --> 00:23:18,980 who must take one hell of a photograph because in a penny and headscarf she 442 00:23:18,980 --> 00:23:20,300 didn't look nothing the right home about. 443 00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:27,080 I told her her husband was in hospital when this hulking great chap in a 444 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,020 Submariner's pullover appears in the doorway. 445 00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,500 Sorry, Grandad. And judging by his carpet slippers, he's got his feet well 446 00:23:33,500 --> 00:23:34,279 the table. 447 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,280 Oh, Gary. 448 00:23:35,300 --> 00:23:36,580 It's a terrible thing. 449 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:41,020 A woman entertaining strange men in a marital abode. Her husband not even away 450 00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:42,019 in the services. 451 00:23:42,020 --> 00:23:46,220 Well, that's why she's doing it. She's taken up with a Submariner. A fighting 452 00:23:46,220 --> 00:23:48,220 man. A real man. 453 00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:49,640 Not some... 454 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:52,680 who writes love songs and pretends to be a spy. 455 00:23:53,260 --> 00:23:55,640 Dad, Barry's not a pansy. 456 00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:59,040 I'm sure he'll be going right round there to sort him out, won't you? 457 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:03,200 I wouldn't if I was you, son. He's a whacking big bloke and beefy with it. 458 00:24:06,100 --> 00:24:07,100 Oh. 459 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,280 I don't know. 460 00:24:09,940 --> 00:24:13,020 I'm away a mere 36 hours. She's moved in her fancy piece. 461 00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,920 I think I'd like to be on my own for a while. Of course you would, son. 462 00:24:19,340 --> 00:24:22,340 Shall I ask the lady armament to come and have a comforting little heart -to 463 00:24:22,340 --> 00:24:23,360 -heart? No. 464 00:24:23,820 --> 00:24:24,820 No, I'll be all right. 465 00:24:29,600 --> 00:24:31,780 Phoebe? In a minute, Dad. 466 00:24:32,140 --> 00:24:34,360 Well, make sure it is just a minute, all right? 467 00:24:38,080 --> 00:24:39,240 You going to be all right? 468 00:24:40,020 --> 00:24:42,120 Yeah. Yeah, once it's sunk in. 469 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:44,820 Where are you going to stay tonight? 470 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:46,480 I don't know. 471 00:24:46,660 --> 00:24:47,660 I've got friends. 472 00:24:50,220 --> 00:24:51,880 So when are we going to see each other again? 473 00:24:54,020 --> 00:24:55,080 Phoebe, I don't know exactly. 474 00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,860 What are we going to do, Gary? 475 00:25:01,260 --> 00:25:02,260 I wish I knew. 476 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:06,540 Well, because now... Yeah. 477 00:25:07,900 --> 00:25:09,600 Looks like things are going to be different, eh? 478 00:25:10,880 --> 00:25:12,040 How different, Gary? 479 00:25:35,020 --> 00:25:38,120 Lithuania said that all the football hooligans had been put on a train out of 480 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,560 the country first thing this morning. 481 00:25:39,860 --> 00:25:42,100 Ah, here's the conquering hero now. 482 00:25:42,700 --> 00:25:43,940 All right, speak to you later. 483 00:25:46,380 --> 00:25:49,620 Hi. I see the Lithuanian police gave you a hiding. 484 00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:52,480 Good. And I suppose you're really proud of yourself. 485 00:25:53,340 --> 00:25:54,339 What do you mean? 486 00:25:54,340 --> 00:25:55,880 Ron has told me everything. 487 00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:57,480 Honestly, Gary. 488 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:02,380 Oh, well, you know how it is. 489 00:26:02,620 --> 00:26:04,560 No, I'm sorry. I don't know how it is. 490 00:26:04,940 --> 00:26:09,520 I cannot imagine any circumstances in which I would wish to expose myself in 491 00:26:09,520 --> 00:26:13,140 streets in the capital of Lithuania, especially in November. 492 00:26:15,300 --> 00:26:17,540 So, Ron told you I'd expose myself. 493 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,300 Well... Gareth, I couldn't give a monkey's. I'm going round to my sister's 494 00:26:21,300 --> 00:26:24,240 few hours. See if you can mature into an adult while I'm away, will you? 495 00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:25,520 Yeah. 496 00:26:40,970 --> 00:26:42,910 Seventeen -fourth row. 497 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:40,880 Yes? Um, I was looking for a Mrs. Phoebe Sparrow. 498 00:27:41,300 --> 00:27:45,060 We don't want no more journalists around here. The last one, Nick, the photo 499 00:27:45,060 --> 00:27:51,420 album. No, no, I'm not a journalist. I'm just... Well, a sort of friend of the 500 00:27:51,420 --> 00:27:52,420 family, I suppose. 501 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:54,200 Huh? 502 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:57,640 Well? 503 00:27:59,860 --> 00:28:00,860 It's Gary. 504 00:28:01,580 --> 00:28:02,580 Remember? 505 00:28:02,740 --> 00:28:03,740 From the war? 506 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:05,560 Marilyn Monroe? 507 00:28:07,260 --> 00:28:12,420 Look, it's sort of complicated, but... I think we might have got married or 508 00:28:12,420 --> 00:28:14,500 something. What is it, Edie? 509 00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:20,200 Another ruffian from Wapping? Worse! This young crackhead thinks he's my 510 00:28:20,200 --> 00:28:21,200 husband! 511 00:28:21,580 --> 00:28:24,780 Well, don't stand there cackling, Phoebe Sparrow! 512 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,320 Get the car! 513 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:39,340 Good night, sweetheart. Sleep will banish sorrow. 514 00:28:39,700 --> 00:28:42,960 Good night, sweetheart. 515 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,540 Till we meet tomorrow. 516 00:28:47,940 --> 00:28:50,860 Dreams enfold you. 517 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:54,840 In memory I'll fold you. 518 00:28:55,460 --> 00:28:58,140 Good night, sweetheart.