1 00:00:01,121 --> 00:00:02,262 yes. 2 00:00:06,710 --> 00:00:11,438 Andrew Santino: White Noise 3 00:00:12,465 --> 00:00:13,898 Is it racist? 4 00:00:16,344 --> 00:00:19,139 Is it racist to tweet the word "nigger"? 5 00:00:19,180 --> 00:00:20,488 Is it racist? 6 00:00:22,767 --> 00:00:23,811 not. 7 00:00:23,852 --> 00:00:25,076 good. 8 00:00:26,563 --> 00:00:28,455 I already did it. 9 00:00:29,316 --> 00:00:31,777 My favorite rapper of all time came up with a quote. 10 00:00:31,818 --> 00:00:34,697 okay? My favorite rapper of all time Upload a quote on Twitter. 11 00:00:34,738 --> 00:00:36,866 I liked the quote. He was thorough. 12 00:00:36,907 --> 00:00:38,909 The word "Negro" appeared in it. okay? 13 00:00:38,950 --> 00:00:41,662 And I loved the tweet. I liked what he said. 14 00:00:41,703 --> 00:00:44,164 So I just tweeted it without thinking twice. 15 00:00:44,205 --> 00:00:47,001 I put the phone in my pocket and went on with my life. Good? 16 00:00:47,042 --> 00:00:48,377 I had a nice day. 17 00:00:48,418 --> 00:00:50,504 Then I took the phone out of my pocket, 18 00:00:50,545 --> 00:00:53,688 And the internet was very angry about what I did. 19 00:00:54,215 --> 00:00:55,718 The responses were... 20 00:00:55,759 --> 00:00:58,721 "Racist." "Racist." "Racist." "Gay." 21 00:00:58,762 --> 00:01:00,347 "Racist." 22 00:01:00,388 --> 00:01:02,739 I was like, "Where did they get them from? It's crazy.' 23 00:01:03,391 --> 00:01:04,949 Just based on that? It's psychotic. 24 00:01:06,686 --> 00:01:09,648 But I defended myself. I said, "I'm not racist." 25 00:01:09,689 --> 00:01:12,985 "You mustn't say that word!" "I didn't say!" 26 00:01:13,026 --> 00:01:16,169 "He said that. I'm just glad he's allowed to say it.' 27 00:01:17,656 --> 00:01:19,992 "I didn't say that. What do you want from me?' 28 00:01:20,033 --> 00:01:23,843 And everyone is like, "I don't think so, white devil." This is your last day.' 29 00:01:24,579 --> 00:01:26,874 "I didn't say that word. Leave it to me.' 30 00:01:26,915 --> 00:01:29,126 And everyone said "No way." You're a racist.' 31 00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:30,794 And they kept repeating it. 32 00:01:30,835 --> 00:01:32,713 And at some point I was exhausted. 33 00:01:32,754 --> 00:01:35,215 I was anxious. I was like, 'I've had enough. 34 00:01:35,256 --> 00:01:37,398 "Why am I arguing with these people? 35 00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:39,345 "I love Jack Harlow. 36 00:01:39,386 --> 00:01:40,860 "I shouldn't feel wrong." 37 00:01:42,889 --> 00:01:44,614 I'm vanilla, baby. do you know 38 00:01:46,059 --> 00:01:47,742 Let me express myself. 39 00:01:49,521 --> 00:01:52,872 It's not real, obviously. Jack Harlow didn't say that word on Twitter. 40 00:01:53,942 --> 00:01:56,084 But he says it. I think he says it. 41 00:01:56,736 --> 00:01:58,739 yes. I mean... all of us. 42 00:01:58,780 --> 00:02:00,046 And we need to stop. 43 00:02:01,074 --> 00:02:03,383 In the end it will be revealed. It should stop. 44 00:02:03,743 --> 00:02:05,829 People say "I don't say that word". 45 00:02:05,870 --> 00:02:07,846 "Yes, but you sing it." 46 00:02:08,915 --> 00:02:10,140 It's no less bad. 47 00:02:11,418 --> 00:02:12,544 None of this is true, of course. 48 00:02:12,585 --> 00:02:15,714 I wrote this joke Because I met Jack Harlow once, 49 00:02:15,755 --> 00:02:18,300 And he waved me a little. I won't lie. 50 00:02:18,341 --> 00:02:21,860 So I decided to write a joke where he says that word. 51 00:02:23,430 --> 00:02:24,654 And that's it. 52 00:02:27,642 --> 00:02:30,437 I have nothing against Jack Harlow. 53 00:02:30,478 --> 00:02:33,454 I don't love his hair, and that's what I'm saying. 54 00:02:34,524 --> 00:02:37,361 He claims he doesn't curl, and maybe that's true, 55 00:02:37,402 --> 00:02:39,085 But it seems he is. 56 00:02:39,863 --> 00:02:43,089 Every time a celebrity is white Curling his hair, I'm so... 57 00:02:43,742 --> 00:02:46,078 "Didn't you fly a little too close to the sun, Icarus?" 58 00:02:46,119 --> 00:02:47,969 "What's up with you, man?" 59 00:02:51,207 --> 00:02:53,377 He doesn't curl, but looks like he does. 60 00:02:53,418 --> 00:02:56,296 And all those who curl... Every time a white celeb curls his hair, 61 00:02:56,337 --> 00:02:59,133 It reminds me that when I was little, in the nineties, 62 00:02:59,174 --> 00:03:02,177 If you wanted to go on vacation, you went there by car. 63 00:03:02,218 --> 00:03:04,263 "Want to go somewhere? Get in the car. 64 00:03:04,304 --> 00:03:07,182 "Get in the car now. Call your brother and get in the car. 65 00:03:07,223 --> 00:03:10,352 "No, we'll smoke, with the windows closed. We will smoke in the car. 66 00:03:10,393 --> 00:03:12,646 "Yes, mom and dad will get divorced down the road. 67 00:03:12,687 --> 00:03:14,148 "We are breaking up. 68 00:03:14,189 --> 00:03:15,941 "Do you have a pee? your problem hold back 69 00:03:15,982 --> 00:03:18,444 "It's a 17-hour drive and you'll hold back. 70 00:03:18,485 --> 00:03:21,419 'Pinch it. now. Hold back.' 71 00:03:23,490 --> 00:03:28,412 But there were always several families in the neighborhood of rich whites who can fly on vacation, 72 00:03:28,453 --> 00:03:32,875 And they would always fly to Jamaica, or to the Bahamas, or to Mexico, 73 00:03:32,916 --> 00:03:35,794 And these rich whites would always come back 74 00:03:35,835 --> 00:03:37,310 with braids in her hair. 75 00:03:38,338 --> 00:03:39,854 Remember those rich whites? 76 00:03:41,049 --> 00:03:42,982 Were you those rich whites? 77 00:03:44,594 --> 00:03:48,807 And they would come and say, "Hey, Santino. look Cool, right?' 78 00:03:48,848 --> 00:03:51,366 And I'm like... "We'll soon find out." 79 00:03:52,811 --> 00:03:55,647 "Together, tomorrow, at school, we will find out. 80 00:03:55,688 --> 00:03:57,956 "I want to see what Jamal has to say about it. 81 00:03:59,025 --> 00:04:00,792 "I don't think he'll like it." 82 00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,031 I would never do that. Describe to you. 83 00:04:04,072 --> 00:04:06,214 Redhead with braids? God... 84 00:04:07,117 --> 00:04:09,342 As if I lacked attention to it. 85 00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:12,053 no way 86 00:04:12,872 --> 00:04:17,002 I have a narrow band in the color spectrum that I'm allowed to wear anyway. 87 00:04:17,043 --> 00:04:20,645 Blue, black, and gray. What you see now... that's it. 88 00:04:21,548 --> 00:04:23,175 If you ever see me wearing red or yellow, 89 00:04:23,216 --> 00:04:25,817 A sign that I have cancer. this is. 90 00:04:27,887 --> 00:04:30,516 And worst of all I grew up in the nineties in Chicago. 91 00:04:30,557 --> 00:04:34,853 The time when hip-hop and pop culture mixed. 92 00:04:34,894 --> 00:04:38,398 Everyone wore bright colors. Air Jordan jackets and shoes. 93 00:04:38,439 --> 00:04:40,498 Everything was colorful and bold. 94 00:04:40,859 --> 00:04:43,278 And I couldn't dress like that, and I was terribly jealous. 95 00:04:43,319 --> 00:04:44,738 The whole neighborhood dressed like this. 96 00:04:44,779 --> 00:04:47,157 The black kids could Wear anything and look cool. 97 00:04:47,198 --> 00:04:49,701 Everything looks cool on them. 98 00:04:49,742 --> 00:04:50,953 They looked cool... 99 00:04:50,994 --> 00:04:52,996 Well, not murder. 100 00:04:53,037 --> 00:04:55,596 No, we caught them. 101 00:04:58,668 --> 00:05:01,463 But they could wear anything and look cool, 102 00:05:01,504 --> 00:05:03,882 Even things they didn't like at all. 103 00:05:03,923 --> 00:05:05,134 even now 104 00:05:05,175 --> 00:05:07,136 My friend, EP, 47 years old. 105 00:05:07,177 --> 00:05:09,930 He is a grown black man. adult. 106 00:05:09,971 --> 00:05:11,640 He came to my house for a barbecue. 107 00:05:11,681 --> 00:05:13,406 He was wearing a Disney jacket. 108 00:05:14,350 --> 00:05:16,367 Disney covered jacket. 109 00:05:16,936 --> 00:05:18,786 And no one said a word. 110 00:05:19,939 --> 00:05:23,193 No one said a word. 111 00:05:23,234 --> 00:05:24,570 And it was at my house, so I... 112 00:05:24,611 --> 00:05:27,462 "What's going on? Did you come to my barbecue wearing your children's jacket?' 113 00:05:30,116 --> 00:05:31,368 Somehow he got away with it. 114 00:05:31,409 --> 00:05:33,551 "No, I'm fine with my body." 115 00:05:36,372 --> 00:05:39,015 And everyone was like "No, he's fine with my body." 116 00:05:40,210 --> 00:05:42,894 yes. Minnie has a fat ass. I saw it.' 117 00:05:43,838 --> 00:05:46,814 "When did you start talking like that, Corey?" 118 00:05:49,552 --> 00:05:51,972 It's a subculture I had to learn about. 119 00:05:52,013 --> 00:05:54,391 I'm from Chicago. We didn't have any Disney graduates. 120 00:05:54,432 --> 00:05:56,268 I only found out about it when I moved to California. 121 00:05:56,309 --> 00:05:59,271 Now I'm in Southern California. Disney in our backyard. 122 00:05:59,312 --> 00:06:01,815 There are Disney alumni everywhere. Maybe even here. 123 00:06:01,856 --> 00:06:03,331 Maybe they are among us. 124 00:06:03,983 --> 00:06:05,360 Maybe they are sitting next to you. 125 00:06:05,401 --> 00:06:07,794 You can tell. They are sticky. It is noticeable. 126 00:06:10,073 --> 00:06:13,160 It's crazy. I only found out when I moved to California. 127 00:06:13,201 --> 00:06:14,244 It's crazy. 128 00:06:14,285 --> 00:06:17,164 And they just go to parks all the time. 129 00:06:17,205 --> 00:06:20,334 There should be two lines at Disney: 130 00:06:20,375 --> 00:06:23,170 One for people with children, and one for people without. 131 00:06:23,211 --> 00:06:24,796 Two queues. 132 00:06:24,837 --> 00:06:27,563 And people who have children are allowed to enter the park. 133 00:06:35,598 --> 00:06:38,616 I don't have kids, so we don't go to the park. 134 00:06:40,061 --> 00:06:41,271 not. I have no children. 135 00:06:41,312 --> 00:06:44,024 And you know what? It's none of your business. 136 00:06:44,065 --> 00:06:46,985 I don't have children and it's none of your business. 137 00:06:47,026 --> 00:06:48,487 Stop asking people. 138 00:06:48,528 --> 00:06:50,614 "Hey... are you married?" Yes. 139 00:06:50,655 --> 00:06:51,823 "Do you have children?" 140 00:06:51,864 --> 00:06:53,214 No. "Why?" 141 00:06:55,868 --> 00:06:57,176 It ends with "no". 142 00:06:57,787 --> 00:07:01,291 You don't know, and you don't need to know, What happens in people's lives. 143 00:07:01,332 --> 00:07:03,669 It's none of your business. If you are asking about something that is not your business, 144 00:07:03,710 --> 00:07:05,754 I will give you an answer accordingly. 145 00:07:05,795 --> 00:07:07,965 Now when someone asks... "Are you married?" Yes. 146 00:07:08,006 --> 00:07:09,424 "Do you have children?" No. 147 00:07:09,465 --> 00:07:11,983 why?" Anal. We only do anal. 148 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,487 She keeps the front for her second marriage. 149 00:07:18,599 --> 00:07:19,866 Pay attention to their expression. 150 00:07:20,893 --> 00:07:24,912 They become autistic. They begin to rub their fingers, look at the sky... 151 00:07:32,071 --> 00:07:33,282 We have no children, and... 152 00:07:33,323 --> 00:07:35,951 I don't have to know everything either about your children. okay? 153 00:07:35,992 --> 00:07:38,301 i don't 154 00:07:38,786 --> 00:07:41,790 My friend, Sarah... I love her. I know her for a long time. 155 00:07:41,831 --> 00:07:43,583 cute girl very hippie, 156 00:07:43,624 --> 00:07:45,725 Very granola. Very crunchy. 157 00:07:47,253 --> 00:07:49,881 And she heard I was going to fly to Florida. 158 00:07:49,922 --> 00:07:52,718 I had a show there, and I went there for 24 hours. 159 00:07:52,759 --> 00:07:54,761 Really, arrives and returns the next day. 160 00:07:54,802 --> 00:07:57,264 And she texted me. I'm on a plane, and she's like, 161 00:07:57,305 --> 00:08:00,517 "I heard you're coming to Florida. You have to stop by to say hi.' 162 00:08:00,558 --> 00:08:02,352 I said, "I don't have time." 163 00:08:02,393 --> 00:08:05,647 She's like, 'Come on. you barely know my husband 164 00:08:05,688 --> 00:08:07,190 "And you haven't met my son, 165 00:08:07,231 --> 00:08:08,567 "And he is ten months old. 166 00:08:08,608 --> 00:08:11,375 "He's ten months old, Andrew, And you didn't know him yet. 167 00:08:12,570 --> 00:08:15,198 "We're at sea right now. Look.' 168 00:08:15,239 --> 00:08:19,300 She sent me a picture of her son, Ten months old, naked on the beach. 169 00:08:22,038 --> 00:08:27,183 just a little naked boy, With his little pee outside, on the sand. 170 00:08:28,503 --> 00:08:31,145 And I'm on a plane, so I'm like "Oh my God... 171 00:08:31,923 --> 00:08:36,636 "No! anything! 172 00:08:36,677 --> 00:08:38,402 not. No.' 173 00:08:40,139 --> 00:08:41,989 And if the plane crashes? 174 00:08:43,768 --> 00:08:47,078 The researchers will say, "Who was he hanging out with before the crash?" 175 00:08:48,314 --> 00:08:50,734 God! What am I supposed to do with it? 176 00:08:50,775 --> 00:08:55,364 what am i supposed to do With naked pictures of your son? 177 00:08:55,405 --> 00:08:58,241 Everything I typed immediately seemed inappropriate. 178 00:08:58,282 --> 00:09:00,550 I was like, 'He's already grown up... no. 179 00:09:01,953 --> 00:09:03,970 "It's not good. I'm not allowed to say that.' 180 00:09:04,580 --> 00:09:07,098 I was like, 'I'm dying to hug him. No... 181 00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:11,102 "He looks just like his father." 182 00:09:12,088 --> 00:09:13,757 what am i supposed to do 183 00:09:13,798 --> 00:09:16,232 So I went into the bathroom with my phone. 184 00:09:18,428 --> 00:09:19,596 No, I sent her a dick pic. 185 00:09:19,637 --> 00:09:23,155 With a tilted neck, in the toilet of the plane. 186 00:09:24,142 --> 00:09:26,993 "Show him what he has to look forward to." 187 00:09:27,645 --> 00:09:30,649 No, they were the same size. Honestly, it was quite embarrassing. 188 00:09:30,690 --> 00:09:32,290 same size 189 00:09:34,026 --> 00:09:37,239 We have no children, but I have nieces, 190 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,491 And I love them. They are amazing. 191 00:09:39,532 --> 00:09:41,701 They are so stunning. greatness 192 00:09:41,742 --> 00:09:43,912 And we can pretend they are ours. 193 00:09:43,953 --> 00:09:46,123 pamper them. I like to pamper them. 194 00:09:46,164 --> 00:09:47,874 Their parents don't like it. 195 00:09:47,915 --> 00:09:49,918 But I've had some success as a comedian, 196 00:09:49,959 --> 00:09:53,380 And I want to share it with them, Because I think it's awesome. 197 00:09:53,421 --> 00:09:56,133 They said, 'You can't buy them everything they want.' 198 00:09:56,174 --> 00:09:57,773 And I said, "I can." 199 00:09:58,718 --> 00:10:00,429 Really sad. anything. 200 00:10:00,470 --> 00:10:03,529 "Is that possible?" "Yes. Take two.' 201 00:10:04,599 --> 00:10:07,241 I bought a Jeep Grand Cherokee for my 14th birthday. 202 00:10:09,228 --> 00:10:11,746 She will be able to enjoy it in two years. 203 00:10:12,690 --> 00:10:15,944 The little one is really cute. bursting with laughter. 204 00:10:15,985 --> 00:10:17,946 One day she called me and said, 205 00:10:17,987 --> 00:10:20,449 "Uncle Andrew, when we come to California, 206 00:10:20,490 --> 00:10:22,659 "Will you take me to Universal Studios? 207 00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:25,162 "I want to visit Harry Potter's town." 208 00:10:25,203 --> 00:10:27,664 or whatever you call it. Harry Potter's place. 209 00:10:27,705 --> 00:10:29,597 "Harry Potter's." 210 00:10:31,375 --> 00:10:32,878 And I said "Of course." 211 00:10:32,919 --> 00:10:36,882 "I'd love to take you to Harry Potter's town" or whatever you call it. 212 00:10:36,923 --> 00:10:40,177 Although I know nothing about Harry Potter. 213 00:10:40,218 --> 00:10:42,846 I'm 41. I haven't read any of the books, 214 00:10:42,887 --> 00:10:46,516 And I haven't seen any of the movies. Not a single frame. 215 00:10:46,557 --> 00:10:48,852 Many of you must... "What are you talking about?" 216 00:10:48,893 --> 00:10:50,061 But understand, 217 00:10:50,102 --> 00:10:53,356 Most of my adult life I had sex with women. 218 00:10:53,397 --> 00:10:54,747 So it was just... 219 00:10:55,733 --> 00:10:58,709 Yes. I was not a loser, not even once. 220 00:11:02,031 --> 00:11:05,494 She arrived in the city, all excited. 221 00:11:05,535 --> 00:11:08,830 "Going to Harry Potter." And she said, "Would you wear a robe?" 222 00:11:08,871 --> 00:11:11,013 And I said "No... 223 00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:13,960 "There's no way I'm wearing a cloak." 224 00:11:14,001 --> 00:11:16,755 And she said "good." Will you make up my face?' 225 00:11:16,796 --> 00:11:19,049 I said "Sure". So I sat her on the sink 226 00:11:19,090 --> 00:11:20,634 and I brought makeup, 227 00:11:20,675 --> 00:11:24,012 And she showed me Harry Potter on the phone. 228 00:11:24,053 --> 00:11:25,931 She wanted to look just like that. 229 00:11:25,972 --> 00:11:30,116 So I carefully drew her, above her back, the... 230 00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:31,784 god 231 00:11:32,436 --> 00:11:35,774 yes, thanks The swastika, here, above the... 232 00:11:35,815 --> 00:11:39,361 No. It's lightning. 233 00:11:39,402 --> 00:11:42,670 But if you draw it twice, it's like this... "It's pretty close." 234 00:11:43,072 --> 00:11:44,338 It's dangerous. 235 00:11:46,576 --> 00:11:48,036 But I was a little worried. 236 00:11:48,077 --> 00:11:51,248 I didn't want to go. I was mortified. "Would that be a whole thing?" 237 00:11:51,289 --> 00:11:55,293 I took her, and I didn't know who serve alcohol at Universal Studios. 238 00:11:55,334 --> 00:11:58,463 So within an hour I was in total blackout. 239 00:11:58,504 --> 00:12:01,258 I wore the cloak. I was like, "Hey, guys!" 240 00:12:01,299 --> 00:12:05,109 I ran up and said "I'm Ron Weasley!" 241 00:12:06,178 --> 00:12:08,738 I was looking for my Hermione. do you know 242 00:12:11,142 --> 00:12:12,435 And people eat movies. 243 00:12:12,476 --> 00:12:15,202 I know about Harry Potter. calm down, okay? 244 00:12:16,022 --> 00:12:20,291 Not really, but I agree With everything the creator said. 245 00:12:21,902 --> 00:12:23,169 good... 246 00:12:25,031 --> 00:12:30,036 It must be hard to raise children in this time, do you know 247 00:12:30,077 --> 00:12:31,329 It must be hard. 248 00:12:31,370 --> 00:12:33,790 My uncle talked to me. he said, 249 00:12:33,831 --> 00:12:36,585 "Do you know what they are trying to do in our schools? 250 00:12:36,626 --> 00:12:39,087 "You know you want to do Book readings with drag queens? 251 00:12:39,128 --> 00:12:41,923 "We want to do book readings with drag queens. 252 00:12:41,964 --> 00:12:45,385 "Have you heard about book readings with drag queens? 253 00:12:45,426 --> 00:12:47,345 "Book readings with drag queens." 254 00:12:47,386 --> 00:12:49,014 I said 'Wow, crazy.' 255 00:12:49,055 --> 00:12:51,530 He said 'Yeah, hear something, mate. 256 00:12:51,974 --> 00:12:56,202 "No drag queen will read a book to my kid." 257 00:12:57,271 --> 00:13:00,567 And I said, "Well, you won't read." no books for your child, 258 00:13:00,608 --> 00:13:04,460 "Then at least give it a chance For someone in a costume to do it.' 259 00:13:08,658 --> 00:13:11,217 Look... let me say, 260 00:13:11,869 --> 00:13:15,040 If you don't want drag queens Your children will be named, okay, 261 00:13:15,081 --> 00:13:18,501 do what you want Your children, your choice. okay? 262 00:13:18,542 --> 00:13:20,351 do what you want i understand 263 00:13:20,961 --> 00:13:23,173 But he loses me in the next section. 264 00:13:23,214 --> 00:13:26,509 He says "Yeah, those drag queens... 265 00:13:26,550 --> 00:13:30,138 "This is not my America. This is not the America I like. 266 00:13:30,179 --> 00:13:31,529 "This is not my country." 267 00:13:32,390 --> 00:13:33,948 I told him, "It is." 268 00:13:35,393 --> 00:13:38,438 Do you know anything about the history of this place? 269 00:13:38,479 --> 00:13:42,122 Seriously, America will be founded by drag queens. 270 00:13:43,150 --> 00:13:45,125 Have you ever seen the founding generation? 271 00:13:45,778 --> 00:13:50,241 They had wigs, and makeup, and little heels, 272 00:13:50,282 --> 00:13:55,469 And all day long they said "Hello!" 273 00:13:55,830 --> 00:13:58,013 They walked around the city like Mrs. Doubtfire. 274 00:13:58,958 --> 00:14:00,669 They would sign with feathers. 275 00:14:00,710 --> 00:14:02,935 How gay it is to sign with a feather! 276 00:14:03,838 --> 00:14:06,841 It's the gayest writing instrument, by far. 277 00:14:06,882 --> 00:14:09,984 How did they get around? on horses How gay is this... 278 00:14:12,054 --> 00:14:13,487 "I'm coming!" 279 00:14:14,098 --> 00:14:16,893 It's the gayest mode of transportation. I would walk. 280 00:14:16,934 --> 00:14:20,327 "But it will take you seven days." "See you in a week." 281 00:14:22,064 --> 00:14:24,206 For the record, I hate horses. 282 00:14:24,859 --> 00:14:28,238 Every time this joke reminds me How much I hate horses. 283 00:14:28,279 --> 00:14:32,381 What do we have from them? enough with that! 284 00:14:33,117 --> 00:14:34,994 It's excessive. 285 00:14:35,035 --> 00:14:38,748 We were in Louisville, Kentucky. 286 00:14:38,789 --> 00:14:41,835 And I left our hotel, and there was a man on a horse. 287 00:14:41,876 --> 00:14:43,336 Just a man on a horse. 288 00:14:43,377 --> 00:14:47,521 And in a voice I said to him, "Get down from there." now. 289 00:14:48,090 --> 00:14:49,759 'I don't like it. 290 00:14:49,800 --> 00:14:51,525 "What are you doing there?" 291 00:14:52,636 --> 00:14:54,639 It makes no sense these days. 292 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,183 Have you ever seen a policeman on a horse? 293 00:14:57,224 --> 00:14:59,436 "I paid for it? what is this 294 00:14:59,477 --> 00:15:00,826 'What should it be? 295 00:15:01,520 --> 00:15:04,023 "Didn't they give you a car with 300 horsepower? 296 00:15:04,064 --> 00:15:05,623 "Get off there now!" 297 00:15:07,234 --> 00:15:09,863 "Besides, a policeman on a horse... who are you going to catch? 298 00:15:09,904 --> 00:15:12,073 "Who the hell are you going to catch?" 299 00:15:12,114 --> 00:15:14,033 "Not me." 300 00:15:14,074 --> 00:15:17,162 It is enough to make one of these for a policeman on a horse. 301 00:15:17,203 --> 00:15:19,553 Man... one such movement. 302 00:15:20,247 --> 00:15:23,585 Allen Iverson crossover. one such. 303 00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:25,434 break a horse's ankles. 304 00:15:26,337 --> 00:15:28,840 The horse mounts, the policeman falls, Andrew goes home. 305 00:15:28,881 --> 00:15:30,189 The game is over. 306 00:15:33,594 --> 00:15:34,902 You know I'm right. 307 00:15:36,722 --> 00:15:39,517 And it's crazy. I'm right. They don't want you on their back. 308 00:15:39,558 --> 00:15:41,311 I made sure I was right. 309 00:15:41,352 --> 00:15:43,605 They don't want you on their back. 310 00:15:43,646 --> 00:15:47,942 It's ridiculous, the amount of people who die every year on horses. 311 00:15:47,983 --> 00:15:51,696 It's just crazy, the amount of people who die every year on horses. 312 00:15:51,737 --> 00:15:53,406 You haven't heard a word about it. 313 00:15:53,447 --> 00:15:55,158 never. 314 00:15:55,199 --> 00:15:58,119 Guess what, Minneapolis. How many people are killed each year on horses? 315 00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,954 guess -10,000. 316 00:15:59,995 --> 00:16:01,261 Ten thousand? 317 00:16:03,707 --> 00:16:06,725 That might be the dumbest thing I've ever heard. 318 00:16:07,628 --> 00:16:09,103 ten thousand 319 00:16:10,297 --> 00:16:12,731 Even the police don't kill people in such quantities. 320 00:16:14,051 --> 00:16:15,359 God, sir... 321 00:16:18,180 --> 00:16:21,156 Ten thousand... It's like asking a child how much a house costs. 322 00:16:22,977 --> 00:16:24,646 "How much do you think this house is worth?" 323 00:16:24,687 --> 00:16:26,495 "47 dollars?" 324 00:16:26,939 --> 00:16:29,651 "Yes...someone take this child from my house." 325 00:16:29,692 --> 00:16:31,250 40 dollars... 326 00:16:32,987 --> 00:16:34,712 The answer is 700. 327 00:16:36,198 --> 00:16:38,493 It should still shock you. 328 00:16:38,534 --> 00:16:42,497 700 is a lot of people, okay? That's a lot of people. 329 00:16:42,538 --> 00:16:45,500 700 people. You haven't heard a word about it. 330 00:16:45,541 --> 00:16:49,838 But on the Discovery Channel There is a whole week dedicated to sharks. 331 00:16:49,879 --> 00:16:53,675 The evil sea creatures that kill at will, 332 00:16:53,716 --> 00:16:55,760 slaughtering humans. 333 00:16:55,801 --> 00:16:58,221 How many people do you know? Killed every year by shark attacks? 334 00:16:58,262 --> 00:16:59,611 five! 335 00:17:01,599 --> 00:17:02,823 700... 336 00:17:04,518 --> 00:17:05,743 five. 337 00:17:06,478 --> 00:17:07,619 what? 338 00:17:09,231 --> 00:17:10,706 what's going on here 339 00:17:11,859 --> 00:17:15,461 Last year was a big year for the Sharks. "Big year for sharks. 340 00:17:17,656 --> 00:17:22,051 "Perhaps the biggest year for sharks. Many say our sharks are the best. 341 00:17:22,786 --> 00:17:25,679 "Emlatz is white. only white big and white.' 342 00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:30,587 Last year was their top year. 343 00:17:30,628 --> 00:17:32,978 14 dead. yes? 344 00:17:33,547 --> 00:17:37,149 Ten of them, according to Google, happened without provocation. 345 00:17:39,637 --> 00:17:40,986 what? 346 00:17:41,764 --> 00:17:45,908 Who the hell teases sharks? 347 00:17:47,394 --> 00:17:50,871 I'll tell you who: whoever guessed 10,000. this man 348 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,460 This man, or Australian. this or that 349 00:17:56,862 --> 00:18:01,117 I don't know if you had the chance to meet such. We spent some time in Australia. It's crazy. 350 00:18:01,158 --> 00:18:03,202 We entered the water and the man said, 351 00:18:03,243 --> 00:18:07,040 "Man, if you see a shark, don't walk away." 352 00:18:07,081 --> 00:18:09,348 I said, "I will certainly stay away." 353 00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,227 'Don't do it, man. Punch him in the nose.' 354 00:18:13,629 --> 00:18:16,341 "A punch in the nose? 'Yes, a punch in the nose. under water 355 00:18:16,382 --> 00:18:19,135 "Move your hand underwater, like she's in jelly, 356 00:18:19,176 --> 00:18:22,722 'And wait for him to shut his mouth. His mouth will be open and then closed. 357 00:18:22,763 --> 00:18:24,349 "Wait a second, 358 00:18:24,390 --> 00:18:26,657 "Then punch him right in the nose." 359 00:18:27,893 --> 00:18:31,870 "You expect me to fight with a shark, at his bar?" 360 00:18:32,398 --> 00:18:34,192 No. I'll give him the limb I like the least. 361 00:18:34,233 --> 00:18:37,334 I will give him my left hand and move on. 362 00:18:40,614 --> 00:18:43,284 Australia is crazy. We traveled all over the world. 363 00:18:43,325 --> 00:18:45,870 It was cool to see the US from a different perspective. 364 00:18:45,911 --> 00:18:48,289 I traveled all over this wonderful country. 365 00:18:48,330 --> 00:18:49,916 I spent a lot of time in the south. 366 00:18:49,957 --> 00:18:51,501 The south is stunning. 367 00:18:51,542 --> 00:18:54,128 Our promoter in Texas is a really funny guy. 368 00:18:54,169 --> 00:18:57,173 He said, "When you're done with your show, 369 00:18:57,214 --> 00:18:59,175 "This strange thing you do, 370 00:18:59,216 --> 00:19:00,899 Do you feel like shooting?' 371 00:19:01,677 --> 00:19:04,764 I said, 'Maybe. don't know Where?' 372 00:19:04,805 --> 00:19:07,976 He said, "You can here, in the back." 373 00:19:08,017 --> 00:19:10,979 "What, behind the hall?" "Yes." 374 00:19:11,020 --> 00:19:12,730 I said, "What did you shoot at?" 375 00:19:12,771 --> 00:19:14,746 He said, "Anything, within reason." 376 00:19:16,525 --> 00:19:19,487 I didn't want to hear. I didn't want to know. I didn't ask. 377 00:19:19,528 --> 00:19:22,796 I didn't want him to say, "Anyone who is browner than me is fine." 378 00:19:24,575 --> 00:19:28,719 I performed with my best friend, Bobby, my Asian prince. 379 00:19:30,748 --> 00:19:34,210 my little prince And I asked him if he wanted to shoot. 380 00:19:34,251 --> 00:19:36,852 He was on the bus playing Nintendo Switch. 381 00:19:37,254 --> 00:19:38,464 He didn't raise his head. 382 00:19:38,505 --> 00:19:41,398 "Hey, wanna shoot?" He said "Too loud". 383 00:19:43,135 --> 00:19:46,347 Like dad I said, 'Right, they're too loud. right? 384 00:19:46,388 --> 00:19:47,613 "Good boy." 385 00:19:51,226 --> 00:19:52,576 They are really too loud. 386 00:19:53,103 --> 00:19:55,314 I like guns, but they are too loud. 387 00:19:55,355 --> 00:19:56,872 You need to change the sound. 388 00:19:57,941 --> 00:20:00,361 Need guns that don't make a male voice. 389 00:20:00,402 --> 00:20:02,739 This will help filter out the crazy ones. 390 00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:05,241 I think it will work. Because I don't know many mentally ill people 391 00:20:05,282 --> 00:20:08,425 who were going to the range If every time a shot was fired it sounded like... 392 00:20:14,083 --> 00:20:16,419 You would shoot the target if it was... "Pull!" 393 00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:19,561 "Yes, Kevin!" 394 00:20:22,007 --> 00:20:24,066 There will be no more shootings from vehicles. It will stop. 395 00:20:25,094 --> 00:20:27,263 It won't happen again. "Hey, bend over!" 396 00:20:27,304 --> 00:20:29,724 "Daddy!" 397 00:20:29,765 --> 00:20:31,517 "Papa!" 398 00:20:31,558 --> 00:20:32,950 "Bang!" 399 00:20:34,603 --> 00:20:37,746 It might work. 400 00:20:38,941 --> 00:20:41,500 Unless they fall into the hands of a gay gang. 401 00:20:42,694 --> 00:20:45,573 you know, The gay gangs that worry us all. 402 00:20:45,614 --> 00:20:48,590 The ones that surprise you at night... "Undress." 403 00:20:49,993 --> 00:20:51,954 "Guys... take my wallet and that's it." 404 00:20:51,995 --> 00:20:54,680 "Keep your wallet. Undress.' 405 00:20:55,833 --> 00:20:58,878 At some point you're like... "This gang of gays is robbing me!" 406 00:20:58,919 --> 00:21:00,588 "Sailing!" 407 00:21:00,629 --> 00:21:03,063 "They are robbing me. They are bad guys. 408 00:21:04,424 --> 00:21:07,609 "Call the police in a few minutes. 409 00:21:08,512 --> 00:21:10,862 'Yeah, they're bad guys. very bad.' 410 00:21:14,852 --> 00:21:18,189 By the way, this is the most disrespectful cruise in the world. 411 00:21:18,230 --> 00:21:21,442 The hand on the head... it's repulsive. 412 00:21:21,483 --> 00:21:24,418 Every time I see it in porn, I'm like "let her go! 413 00:21:25,154 --> 00:21:26,586 "She's already doing it!" 414 00:21:28,115 --> 00:21:30,409 It's like honking when the light turns green. 415 00:21:30,450 --> 00:21:33,760 You're like, "Okay! Traveling! 416 00:21:35,038 --> 00:21:36,346 "Give it a minute!" 417 00:21:38,375 --> 00:21:40,851 And what is it for? They were not lost. 418 00:21:41,378 --> 00:21:45,939 They're not like that... "Ah, thank you!" 419 00:21:47,217 --> 00:21:48,594 They don't need help. We do. 420 00:21:48,635 --> 00:21:51,445 Girls, hold my ears. Tune me in, please. 421 00:21:52,055 --> 00:21:55,476 For 20 years I thought the clitoris was in the ass. I had no idea. 422 00:21:55,517 --> 00:21:56,950 I had a fever. 423 00:21:59,646 --> 00:22:03,151 But surely there are women here who love the hand on the back of the head. 424 00:22:03,192 --> 00:22:04,916 They are here. where are you 425 00:22:05,652 --> 00:22:08,670 Here they are. "The Dead Father's Club", in the stands. 426 00:22:09,448 --> 00:22:10,616 Do you know her? 427 00:22:10,657 --> 00:22:14,301 "My father died when I was 16, So you can do whatever you want to me. 428 00:22:14,953 --> 00:22:17,554 "No, I don't have a gag reflex. I never had.' 429 00:22:20,751 --> 00:22:22,587 By the way, I know that when I talk about guns, 430 00:22:22,628 --> 00:22:25,923 In some areas of the US, People feel uncomfortable. 431 00:22:25,964 --> 00:22:28,009 But this is the reality. really. 432 00:22:28,050 --> 00:22:30,595 It is part of our reality. really. 433 00:22:30,636 --> 00:22:32,722 And I was there, in the south, 434 00:22:32,763 --> 00:22:35,474 in June and July. horrible fever 435 00:22:35,515 --> 00:22:38,644 I was sitting in the hotel reading the news, and I saw an article: 436 00:22:38,685 --> 00:22:40,786 "A school shooting again." 437 00:22:41,355 --> 00:22:43,997 in capital letters: "A school shooting again." 438 00:22:44,566 --> 00:22:47,709 I put my coffee down, And I went to the hotel window, and I was like... 439 00:22:49,112 --> 00:22:50,295 "Isn't it summer now?" 440 00:22:55,369 --> 00:22:59,346 Are there now shooting incidents in the camps as well? 441 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:03,016 God... since when do they shoot children even during the holidays? 442 00:23:04,670 --> 00:23:07,646 You have to go for the opening five. It's crazy. 443 00:23:10,634 --> 00:23:12,345 I know that school shootings are disgusting. 444 00:23:12,386 --> 00:23:14,513 It's a horrible part of our culture. It's terrible. 445 00:23:14,554 --> 00:23:16,807 There is nothing funny about them. 446 00:23:16,848 --> 00:23:17,989 But... 447 00:23:20,644 --> 00:23:23,231 I don't believe any of them, 448 00:23:23,272 --> 00:23:24,774 not one of them 449 00:23:24,815 --> 00:23:26,456 was carried out by the school administrator. 450 00:23:27,985 --> 00:23:29,237 never? 451 00:23:29,278 --> 00:23:32,114 Do you remember how we treated these people? 452 00:23:32,155 --> 00:23:33,741 the servers? I remember being like this... 453 00:23:33,782 --> 00:23:36,633 "Mr. Summerland! Sit on it, you bald shit.' 454 00:23:37,953 --> 00:23:40,595 I spoke like this to a veteran. 455 00:23:41,540 --> 00:23:45,725 This is a man who used to pour sawdust on vomit And got curses from a 9-year-old boy. 456 00:23:46,461 --> 00:23:50,466 These people have experienced so much, Then they had to stare at the cafeteria 457 00:23:50,507 --> 00:23:53,233 Full of little gremlins that destroyed her every day. 458 00:23:55,220 --> 00:23:56,570 wet and sticky... 459 00:23:57,306 --> 00:24:00,559 disgust It must have flashbacked them. 460 00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,062 Send them back to the Vietnam War. The enemy is everywhere. 461 00:24:03,103 --> 00:24:06,079 Throws away the broom, takes a machine gun and... "You know what?" 462 00:24:07,899 --> 00:24:10,375 Where will they run? He has all the keys. 463 00:24:21,288 --> 00:24:22,999 On the other hand, it's just... 464 00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,432 It's just another thing he needs to clean up. 465 00:24:26,626 --> 00:24:30,061 "Those rambunctious kids..." 466 00:24:36,094 --> 00:24:37,555 It was fun to travel. 467 00:24:37,596 --> 00:24:41,100 The best part of touring, For me, it's that you can go home a lot. 468 00:24:41,141 --> 00:24:43,769 to see my parents That's the best part, 469 00:24:43,810 --> 00:24:46,230 Because they are getting old, and I want to spend a lot of time with them. 470 00:24:46,271 --> 00:24:48,065 my father is old pensioner. 471 00:24:48,106 --> 00:24:50,318 He doesn't do anything. My father does nothing all day. 472 00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:51,485 He is sitting in his armchair. 473 00:24:51,526 --> 00:24:53,863 He has an armchair. Does your father also have an armchair? 474 00:24:53,904 --> 00:24:57,158 My father has an armchair. she is his Do not sit in it. 475 00:24:57,199 --> 00:24:58,882 He wants to die in an armchair. 476 00:24:59,618 --> 00:25:02,552 I know, because he's in the kitchen, coughing and pointing at her. 477 00:25:04,414 --> 00:25:06,681 "Take him to the armchair. Come on!' 478 00:25:11,630 --> 00:25:13,090 My sister started dating someone. 479 00:25:13,131 --> 00:25:16,733 She brought him home. I took him to the living room and told him to "sit". 480 00:25:19,262 --> 00:25:22,322 My dad came in and said "what the hell is going on here?" 481 00:25:22,808 --> 00:25:25,575 I said "I know, and he's fucking your daughter." 482 00:25:26,478 --> 00:25:29,398 'He's a bad man, father. really bad 483 00:25:29,439 --> 00:25:31,039 "He should be kicked out of here." 484 00:25:33,610 --> 00:25:35,321 My father sits in his armchair all day. 485 00:25:35,362 --> 00:25:38,574 He watches Fox News and "aliens from the past". and nothing else. 486 00:25:38,615 --> 00:25:40,368 Fox News and "aliens from the past". 487 00:25:40,409 --> 00:25:42,411 He loves "aliens from the past". 488 00:25:42,452 --> 00:25:44,761 He hates immigrants, and I'm like "Dad... 489 00:25:45,372 --> 00:25:48,723 "They both built the pyramids. Don't do where and where.' 490 00:25:51,503 --> 00:25:54,340 he is funny He loved working on us when I was little. 491 00:25:54,381 --> 00:25:56,384 He liked to embarrass me the most. 492 00:25:56,425 --> 00:25:58,344 As much as he loved it. 493 00:25:58,385 --> 00:26:00,012 I was 14 years old, 494 00:26:00,053 --> 00:26:02,807 In one of the most vulnerable moments of your life as a young person. 495 00:26:02,848 --> 00:26:05,267 you feel terribly uncomfortable, And then you start to find out... 496 00:26:05,308 --> 00:26:07,603 You start rubbing. 497 00:26:07,644 --> 00:26:10,064 You rub all the time. It's unbelievable. 498 00:26:10,105 --> 00:26:14,110 All day you just think About coming home and scrubbing. 499 00:26:14,151 --> 00:26:17,196 "4, 5, 6, 7, 8 times. I have to scrub a lot. 500 00:26:17,237 --> 00:26:18,461 "I have to rub." 501 00:26:20,532 --> 00:26:21,951 People use it as a weapon. 502 00:26:21,992 --> 00:26:26,219 you are shy, then at school, Someone says "Santino does it by hand". 503 00:26:28,039 --> 00:26:31,516 You're like, "Wrong!" 504 00:26:32,794 --> 00:26:36,771 You come home and... "Yeah right!" 505 00:26:39,050 --> 00:26:41,762 my dad, in the middle of dinner, Cuts a steak, looks at me and says, 506 00:26:41,803 --> 00:26:44,571 "You spend a lot of time in the bathroom." 507 00:26:46,516 --> 00:26:49,326 "Mother, may I please get up and go kill myself?" 508 00:26:51,146 --> 00:26:52,398 But now I'm taking revenge on him. 509 00:26:52,439 --> 00:26:54,900 Because I have some money, and I buy him things. 510 00:26:54,941 --> 00:26:56,944 I take care of him. So the power is in my hands. 511 00:26:56,985 --> 00:26:59,002 I buy him things which I know he has no use for. 512 00:26:59,696 --> 00:27:01,963 Bluetooth. We did Bluetooth in the whole house. 513 00:27:02,574 --> 00:27:05,008 He has no idea what it is and how to use it. 514 00:27:06,077 --> 00:27:08,622 He calls and tells me, "The bluetooth is not working!" 515 00:27:08,663 --> 00:27:11,723 "Damn it! Why doesn't it connect?' 516 00:27:12,334 --> 00:27:14,128 I'm like, "it needs to be rebooted". 517 00:27:14,169 --> 00:27:15,713 "How do you do that?" 518 00:27:15,754 --> 00:27:20,231 I'm so... "You have to disconnect all the devices in the house from the electricity." 519 00:27:22,219 --> 00:27:25,097 You can hear him put the phone down. "Damn..." 520 00:27:25,138 --> 00:27:26,696 And he moves the couch. 521 00:27:27,557 --> 00:27:29,115 Unplug everything. 522 00:27:29,768 --> 00:27:31,937 I hear my mother in the background, "Ask him about the fridge." 523 00:27:31,978 --> 00:27:34,356 "Yes, the fridge too. Damn the food. 524 00:27:34,397 --> 00:27:37,082 "Take everything out and throw it in the trash. now.' 525 00:27:39,819 --> 00:27:43,073 It's crazy. He grasps technological terms and uses them. 526 00:27:43,114 --> 00:27:45,659 Like "smart". Smart car, smartphone, smart TV. 527 00:27:45,700 --> 00:27:47,161 Everything is smart, you know? 528 00:27:47,202 --> 00:27:49,955 And mom called and asked me to buy her a toaster. 529 00:27:49,996 --> 00:27:52,500 "Yes, I'll buy you a toaster." Why?' "Ours broke down." 530 00:27:52,541 --> 00:27:54,974 "They don't spoil. Did you spoil him?' 531 00:27:55,544 --> 00:27:58,228 It's just like that... it doesn't break. 532 00:27:59,047 --> 00:28:01,022 It's a spring. That's all. 533 00:28:01,550 --> 00:28:04,025 "Did you throw it at dad? How did he break down?' 534 00:28:04,719 --> 00:28:06,805 "Buy me and that's enough." "Okay." 535 00:28:06,846 --> 00:28:09,350 I bought her a toaster. I brought him home. 536 00:28:09,391 --> 00:28:11,477 It has a digital clock that shows what time it is. 537 00:28:11,518 --> 00:28:13,771 That's it, just a digital clock. 538 00:28:13,812 --> 00:28:16,565 I put it on the counter, and my dad came and... 539 00:28:16,606 --> 00:28:18,123 "Is this a smart toaster?" 540 00:28:19,276 --> 00:28:21,501 I said, "And how else." 541 00:28:22,529 --> 00:28:24,573 Mother called me after a week. "Tell him the truth. 542 00:28:24,614 --> 00:28:27,090 'He talks to the toaster all day. 543 00:28:27,909 --> 00:28:29,787 "I hear him." "Hey, Alexis! 544 00:28:29,828 --> 00:28:32,637 "Play Kid Rock and make a toast at 5.5." 545 00:28:37,669 --> 00:28:39,964 My dad talks to objects. We tell him... 546 00:28:40,005 --> 00:28:42,341 We bought him a Google device. 547 00:28:42,382 --> 00:28:45,636 google device, And you're supposed to tell him "Hey, Google." 548 00:28:45,677 --> 00:28:47,471 And my dad gets drunk. 549 00:28:47,512 --> 00:28:49,946 He goes and says "Hey, Good Girl..." 550 00:28:51,182 --> 00:28:53,783 "Hey, Good Girl! Do it for me!' 551 00:28:55,729 --> 00:28:57,454 I love him. 552 00:28:58,523 --> 00:28:59,748 I really like him. 553 00:29:00,191 --> 00:29:03,070 Last year he recovered from prostate cancer. It was crazy. 554 00:29:03,111 --> 00:29:05,086 It was crazy, yeah. 555 00:29:07,115 --> 00:29:08,325 It's pretty cool. 556 00:29:08,366 --> 00:29:10,452 Yeah, that was pretty cool. 557 00:29:10,493 --> 00:29:14,123 It's funny. When you reach a certain age, You stop shitting. 558 00:29:14,164 --> 00:29:16,875 I took my dad to a football game, 559 00:29:16,916 --> 00:29:20,546 which is cool I took him to the game. His first time. 560 00:29:20,587 --> 00:29:23,257 And after that we went out and got drunk. 561 00:29:23,298 --> 00:29:25,426 And we were just done. 562 00:29:25,467 --> 00:29:27,636 And we sat at the bar, just my dad and I, 563 00:29:27,677 --> 00:29:29,263 We just leaned on the bar. 564 00:29:29,304 --> 00:29:31,056 do you know When you're really done? 565 00:29:31,097 --> 00:29:34,393 And he looks at me, like dad looks at you sometimes, 566 00:29:34,434 --> 00:29:36,645 with a smile, with a twinkle in the eye, 567 00:29:36,686 --> 00:29:39,189 As if he wanted to ruffle my hair. do you know 568 00:29:39,230 --> 00:29:41,873 And I'm drunk, and I'm like... "What are you doing?" 569 00:29:43,151 --> 00:29:44,486 "What are you doing?" 570 00:29:44,527 --> 00:29:46,905 I'm waiting for him to say he loves me, And he is so... 571 00:29:46,946 --> 00:29:48,671 "I'm peeing right now." 572 00:29:51,201 --> 00:29:53,551 You can't take it anywhere. 573 00:29:57,624 --> 00:29:59,418 But it reminded me to check myself. 574 00:29:59,459 --> 00:30:02,004 I was tested. It scared me. 575 00:30:02,045 --> 00:30:04,381 I was traveling and didn't take care of myself. 576 00:30:04,422 --> 00:30:07,718 I flew a lot. I flew back from the east coast, 577 00:30:07,759 --> 00:30:09,386 And I said to the flight attendant, 578 00:30:09,427 --> 00:30:13,891 "Excuse me, can I have water without ice?" like that very polite "Can I have water without ice?" 579 00:30:13,932 --> 00:30:16,685 i can again "Can I have water without ice?" 580 00:30:16,726 --> 00:30:18,145 Same tone of voice. 581 00:30:18,186 --> 00:30:22,038 And she stopped and said, "I'll get to you when I get to you." 582 00:30:23,483 --> 00:30:25,194 Somehow I became De Niro. 583 00:30:25,235 --> 00:30:27,085 I was like, "That bitch..." 584 00:30:28,071 --> 00:30:29,379 "Okay, bitch." 585 00:30:30,865 --> 00:30:34,286 what did i do I was not disgusted with her. what's the matter 586 00:30:34,327 --> 00:30:35,954 I stopped for a second and said to myself, 587 00:30:35,995 --> 00:30:38,040 'Andrew, you don't know what's going on with her. 588 00:30:38,081 --> 00:30:41,377 "You have no idea what she's going through. Calm down, man.' 589 00:30:41,418 --> 00:30:43,837 So I let her work. I put it to her. 590 00:30:43,878 --> 00:30:46,256 Then I realized. "You know what? 591 00:30:46,297 --> 00:30:49,343 "Being a flight attendant is hard. You have to deal with a lot of shit. 592 00:30:49,384 --> 00:30:51,943 "Stewardesses are the sisters of the sky." 593 00:30:52,762 --> 00:30:56,642 Flight attendants are the sisters of the sky. They are important. 594 00:30:56,683 --> 00:31:00,159 But when they tell you something, you're like "Okay... 595 00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,539 "I want to hear it from a doctor." 596 00:31:05,150 --> 00:31:06,624 "I want you to Call the doctor.' 597 00:31:11,114 --> 00:31:13,325 I flew a lot, and I came back home, 598 00:31:13,366 --> 00:31:15,202 And I did all kinds of blood tests. 599 00:31:15,243 --> 00:31:19,081 My doctor said, "You're fine, But your cholesterol is too high.' 600 00:31:19,122 --> 00:31:20,582 I'm like, 'What? why? 601 00:31:20,623 --> 00:31:23,293 "I exercise, eat well, drink less." 602 00:31:23,334 --> 00:31:26,171 He said it might be hereditary. I called my dad and said, 603 00:31:26,212 --> 00:31:31,441 "Do you take anything for cholesterol?" He said "Yeah, man." 604 00:31:31,843 --> 00:31:34,903 "When?" "Since you know me." 605 00:31:35,513 --> 00:31:37,349 "I'd be glad to know." 606 00:31:37,390 --> 00:31:41,019 Now the doctor is prescribing me medicine. "You could have a stroke or a heart attack." 607 00:31:41,060 --> 00:31:42,396 I'm like, "What?" 608 00:31:42,437 --> 00:31:45,482 So now I take it. It's called a statin. lipitor 609 00:31:45,523 --> 00:31:48,068 Are there any statisticians here? Where are my stats? 610 00:31:48,109 --> 00:31:49,945 Where are my stats? 611 00:31:49,986 --> 00:31:53,157 Where are my lips? here they are 612 00:31:53,198 --> 00:31:55,089 I see some sweaty people here. 613 00:31:57,494 --> 00:31:58,912 Yes, write it down for me. 614 00:31:58,953 --> 00:32:00,998 But I hate taking medicine. 615 00:32:01,039 --> 00:32:02,541 I never know how much to take. 616 00:32:02,582 --> 00:32:04,084 I forget the pills and lose them. 617 00:32:04,125 --> 00:32:06,003 I call them by the wrong names. 618 00:32:06,044 --> 00:32:08,714 yes. Many times I called it "Levitra". 619 00:32:08,755 --> 00:32:10,799 I've said it a lot. Some of you know. 620 00:32:10,840 --> 00:32:14,553 Levitra is an erection pill. It's not the same thing. 621 00:32:14,594 --> 00:32:17,806 A friend offered me a drink. "No, I take Levitra." 622 00:32:17,847 --> 00:32:21,115 He's like, 'Then get out of my house. What are you doing here?' 623 00:32:23,228 --> 00:32:27,024 But I was traveling, and I took it, 624 00:32:27,065 --> 00:32:29,735 And I had really bad side effects. 625 00:32:29,776 --> 00:32:32,446 So I called the doctor and the nurse answered. 626 00:32:32,487 --> 00:32:35,699 "You have reached a messaging service. He is abroad. How can I help?' 627 00:32:35,740 --> 00:32:38,994 I said 'I have side effects And I'm stressed and don't know what to do, 628 00:32:39,035 --> 00:32:41,455 "And I'm panicking and I need help." 629 00:32:41,496 --> 00:32:44,347 She's like, 'Slowly, sir. okay? 630 00:32:44,833 --> 00:32:48,170 "I don't have your sheet. I don't know what they gave you.' 631 00:32:48,211 --> 00:32:50,770 And I'm like, "That bitch..." 632 00:32:52,423 --> 00:32:54,941 So without thinking I said, "You prescribed me Levitra." 633 00:32:55,802 --> 00:32:58,180 She said, "We prescribed you Levitra?" 634 00:32:58,221 --> 00:33:00,349 "That's what I said!" 635 00:33:00,390 --> 00:33:02,184 She's like, "We don't prescribe Levitra." 636 00:33:02,225 --> 00:33:03,950 "Yes? But that's what you wrote down!' 637 00:33:04,894 --> 00:33:06,271 "What's the matter, sir?" 638 00:33:06,312 --> 00:33:10,734 I said 'Diarrhea, ma'am. Severe diarrhea.' 639 00:33:10,775 --> 00:33:13,251 And she said, 'Because of Vitra? 640 00:33:13,987 --> 00:33:16,240 "God... I've never heard that." 641 00:33:16,281 --> 00:33:19,785 "Sorry, I have to ask. It happens... 642 00:33:19,826 --> 00:33:22,176 "Does it happen during the act?" 643 00:33:27,333 --> 00:33:29,892 And as a stand-up comedian, I thought... "She knows who I am." 644 00:33:32,005 --> 00:33:34,174 I lived in a movie. I said "No, not during the act, 645 00:33:34,215 --> 00:33:38,637 "But as I finish, I really have to shit.' 646 00:33:38,678 --> 00:33:42,057 She's like, "How do you finish?" "The second I'm done, I shit." 647 00:33:42,098 --> 00:33:45,936 She's like, "God! And it doesn't pollute the partner?' 648 00:33:45,977 --> 00:33:48,897 I'm like, 'I work alone. What are you talking about?' 649 00:33:48,938 --> 00:33:52,568 She's like, "Are you taking the medicine by yourself?" "What the hell are you talking about?" 650 00:33:52,609 --> 00:33:54,444 She's like, "What are you talking about?" 651 00:33:54,485 --> 00:33:57,712 I told her, "Ma'am, let me talk to the pilot." I don't want to talk to you. 652 00:33:58,823 --> 00:34:00,673 "He'll be able to land that plane." 653 00:34:02,619 --> 00:34:05,622 So I try to keep to myself. 654 00:34:05,663 --> 00:34:08,917 And the older you get, the harder it is to take care of yourself. 655 00:34:08,958 --> 00:34:11,169 You're always running around like crazy. 656 00:34:11,210 --> 00:34:13,964 I don't sleep well, And I don't like people who sleep well. 657 00:34:14,005 --> 00:34:17,815 You meet someone who sleeps well and you say "What? really? 658 00:34:18,301 --> 00:34:20,109 "Don't you think about things? 659 00:34:20,929 --> 00:34:24,155 "You go to bed and think, 'All seems to be right in the world'?' 660 00:34:25,391 --> 00:34:26,574 No! 661 00:34:27,018 --> 00:34:29,438 my doctor said "Buy a white noise machine." 662 00:34:29,479 --> 00:34:33,442 I said, "Is that the solution? good. OK.' 663 00:34:33,483 --> 00:34:36,361 I went to buy a white noise machine. they ran out 664 00:34:36,402 --> 00:34:38,419 So we bought a black noise device instead. 665 00:34:39,822 --> 00:34:43,243 Yes, but he was only speaking in Feisty with other black noise devices all night. 666 00:34:43,284 --> 00:34:45,218 It's hard to sleep like this. 667 00:34:46,245 --> 00:34:48,096 not. quite. It's stupid. 668 00:34:49,415 --> 00:34:51,668 We really had a black noise machine. 669 00:34:51,709 --> 00:34:54,880 We actually bought one of these. But the neighbors' white noise machine 670 00:34:54,921 --> 00:34:57,382 He kept complaining to the police on our black noise device. 671 00:34:57,423 --> 00:35:00,385 It was very disrespectful. I was like, "Don't interfere." 672 00:35:00,426 --> 00:35:02,846 Enough, enough. Blah blah blah. further. 673 00:35:02,887 --> 00:35:04,612 brother disgusting. forward. 674 00:35:05,932 --> 00:35:09,200 We actually had a black noise machine once, 675 00:35:10,186 --> 00:35:12,495 But we couldn't get it to work. 676 00:35:21,698 --> 00:35:24,590 forgiveness. I don't like at all that joke Let's move forward. 677 00:35:28,121 --> 00:35:30,763 We had a Mexican noisemaker for a while. 678 00:35:31,165 --> 00:35:32,292 Heat noise, yes. 679 00:35:32,333 --> 00:35:35,017 The device worked itself to death. poor. 680 00:35:35,712 --> 00:35:38,646 Just the constant buzz of a leaf blower all night. 681 00:35:46,014 --> 00:35:48,990 It didn't even need batteries, Just two upside-down "Modelo" cans. 682 00:35:52,311 --> 00:35:54,745 OK, that's enough. need... 683 00:35:58,317 --> 00:36:00,877 We had an Asian noisemaker for a while. 684 00:36:01,404 --> 00:36:03,991 really quiet Really polite. 685 00:36:04,032 --> 00:36:05,715 I didn't even notice he was there. 686 00:36:06,534 --> 00:36:08,634 He committed suicide. 687 00:36:09,746 --> 00:36:12,054 We put it in rice. It didn't help. 688 00:36:15,168 --> 00:36:16,878 All night long... "Rech Rishon." 689 00:36:16,919 --> 00:36:19,047 I said "Babe, we have to... 690 00:36:19,088 --> 00:36:21,230 "It doesn't help us sleep." 691 00:36:21,883 --> 00:36:24,192 enough quite. This is so stupid. 692 00:36:27,430 --> 00:36:29,891 We had a Jewish noise maker for a while. 693 00:36:29,932 --> 00:36:32,491 I won't tell that. I will swallow 694 00:36:37,523 --> 00:36:39,498 Speaking of Jews, my mother... 695 00:36:40,651 --> 00:36:43,447 My mother sent me Learning German when I was little. 696 00:36:43,488 --> 00:36:46,199 My mother sent me Learning German when I was little. 697 00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:48,299 yes. crazy. 698 00:36:48,743 --> 00:36:50,787 I studied at a school called "Lasalle" in Chicago. 699 00:36:50,828 --> 00:36:52,748 They taught a second language there in first grade. 700 00:36:52,789 --> 00:36:55,417 Children could choose between French, German and Spanish. 701 00:36:55,458 --> 00:36:58,309 my mom said, "Let him learn German. We'll see what happens.' 702 00:36:59,337 --> 00:37:01,631 "Ma'am, what shall I do with it?" 703 00:37:01,672 --> 00:37:04,760 Today I know a little German. I have nothing to do with it. 704 00:37:04,801 --> 00:37:07,679 If I go to Germany today, I say "hello..." 705 00:37:07,720 --> 00:37:09,931 They are so "enough". "What?" "Stop." 706 00:37:09,972 --> 00:37:13,477 "God... we know English. don't do it 707 00:37:13,518 --> 00:37:16,786 "You saw what we did. twice So now we know English.' 708 00:37:17,730 --> 00:37:20,650 god This is shocking language. 709 00:37:20,691 --> 00:37:23,820 French and Spanish are beautiful languages. Really, stunning. 710 00:37:23,861 --> 00:37:26,656 German takes beautiful things and destroys them. 711 00:37:26,697 --> 00:37:29,659 For example the sentence "I love you". "I love you", a beautiful sentence. 712 00:37:29,700 --> 00:37:32,079 We are waiting for the opportunity to say it. He is dear to us. 713 00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:35,388 You know how they say "I love you" in French? 714 00:37:36,082 --> 00:37:39,058 "Jetm." Whoa, Zetem..." 715 00:37:39,210 --> 00:37:41,852 A small bicycle with a basket... 716 00:37:42,630 --> 00:37:45,175 with the baguette, by the river, 717 00:37:45,216 --> 00:37:48,567 And the man, with the boat, next to the bike, with the thing. do you know 718 00:37:50,555 --> 00:37:52,682 You know how they say "I love you" in Spanish? 719 00:37:52,723 --> 00:37:54,991 "Te amu, who should Te Amu.' 720 00:37:58,938 --> 00:37:59,981 "Te amo." 721 00:38:00,022 --> 00:38:01,691 It's beautiful. "Te amo." 722 00:38:01,732 --> 00:38:03,749 "Jetm." "I love you." 723 00:38:03,985 --> 00:38:06,043 In German it's "how to liberate you." 724 00:38:07,446 --> 00:38:08,949 It's "I love you". 725 00:38:08,990 --> 00:38:10,659 "How did you set yourself free?" 726 00:38:10,700 --> 00:38:13,718 Imagine therefore a man above you saying "how to liberate you." 727 00:38:15,329 --> 00:38:17,972 "How did you get rid of it?" Yes, that's good, yes?' 728 00:38:21,294 --> 00:38:24,256 You would say, "Get him off me." He is a murderer.' 729 00:38:24,297 --> 00:38:27,008 If you saw someone outside yelling at a woman "How did you free... 730 00:38:27,049 --> 00:38:30,137 "How to free you!" 731 00:38:30,178 --> 00:38:33,557 You would say, 'Why this deaf Shouting 'I love cock' at her? 732 00:38:33,598 --> 00:38:35,948 "Go get a dick, man. Leave it to her.' 733 00:38:37,018 --> 00:38:38,687 But if you listen carefully, 734 00:38:38,728 --> 00:38:41,189 "Dich" is not "Dick". "Dich" is "you". 735 00:38:41,230 --> 00:38:42,858 "Dick" in German is actually good. 736 00:38:42,899 --> 00:38:45,624 "Dick" is good. "Dick" is "schwantz". 737 00:38:46,527 --> 00:38:48,196 sounds good Sounds great, right? 738 00:38:48,237 --> 00:38:49,670 Schwantz. yes... 739 00:38:50,656 --> 00:38:53,966 Even if it isn't. "Schwantz. Want a schwanz?' 740 00:38:54,911 --> 00:38:57,164 And "big" is "gross". 741 00:38:57,205 --> 00:39:00,681 So even if it's not, you pull it out... "Is it Grosse Schwantz? Yeh?' 742 00:39:02,460 --> 00:39:07,021 each one says 'Yes, it's Grosse Schwantz. Very shredded, yes.' 743 00:39:10,009 --> 00:39:13,180 In this the Germans were right. They did well. 744 00:39:13,221 --> 00:39:15,432 "Schwantz" sounds great. do you know 745 00:39:15,473 --> 00:39:18,324 We have too many names for it. 746 00:39:18,935 --> 00:39:21,855 Zin, Shmuk, Zarg, Paramshatak, Bulbul. 747 00:39:21,896 --> 00:39:24,691 what are we doing And each of them has a size. 748 00:39:24,732 --> 00:39:26,707 Each of them alludes to a certain size. 749 00:39:27,318 --> 00:39:30,586 And everyone here knows exactly what size they have. 750 00:39:31,948 --> 00:39:34,256 I have a penis. I admit penis. 751 00:39:35,076 --> 00:39:36,494 Traditional penis. 752 00:39:36,535 --> 00:39:38,803 Just a pin. Jio Metro. 753 00:39:40,498 --> 00:39:41,764 brings you to your destination. 754 00:39:42,333 --> 00:39:45,101 Not sure to the house, but to the destination. 755 00:39:48,631 --> 00:39:50,425 The term for "black cock" is great. 756 00:39:50,466 --> 00:39:53,651 I love it. A black cock is a "Schwartz Schwanz". 757 00:39:54,178 --> 00:39:56,153 "Schwartz Schwanz". 758 00:39:56,389 --> 00:40:00,116 Sounds like a James Bond villain. "We'll catch you soon, Schwartz Schwanz." 759 00:40:01,310 --> 00:40:03,744 "You won't be able to hide forever, Schwartz Schwanz." 760 00:40:05,731 --> 00:40:08,318 A white cock is the opposite. This white cock is "Weisa Schwanz". 761 00:40:08,359 --> 00:40:11,029 Yes, nice. It sounds like a children's song. 762 00:40:11,070 --> 00:40:13,281 Two children with a bucket full of water... 763 00:40:13,322 --> 00:40:16,660 "Visa Schwanz..." 764 00:40:16,701 --> 00:40:18,801 "Oh no! Schwarz Schwanz!' 765 00:40:21,414 --> 00:40:23,472 "How do you stop Schwartz Schwanz?" 766 00:40:24,375 --> 00:40:26,892 "Hurry, bring a fat brick! 767 00:40:27,795 --> 00:40:30,062 "She'll eat it like Miss Pacman." 768 00:40:37,138 --> 00:40:39,516 I hated German. I hated learning German as a child. 769 00:40:39,557 --> 00:40:42,018 I hated it. And I was a bad student. 770 00:40:42,059 --> 00:40:44,271 And my teacher hated me and humiliated me. 771 00:40:44,312 --> 00:40:46,940 Because in German you have to learn to do that. 772 00:40:46,981 --> 00:40:48,900 make such a sound. And she told me to stand. 773 00:40:48,941 --> 00:40:51,528 "Andrew, stand in front of the class, 774 00:40:51,569 --> 00:40:53,669 "And purr like a kitten." 775 00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:56,505 "Like a kitten, Andrew." 776 00:40:57,491 --> 00:41:00,829 And I had to stand... 777 00:41:00,870 --> 00:41:02,595 "Like a kitten." 778 00:41:03,497 --> 00:41:07,057 On the way home I was like this, "What does this dog have for cats?" 779 00:41:08,002 --> 00:41:11,840 And when I grew up I realized that Germans are like cats. 780 00:41:11,881 --> 00:41:14,315 They creep and sneak and quiet, 781 00:41:14,884 --> 00:41:16,636 And they hate Jews. 782 00:41:16,677 --> 00:41:18,277 It's crazy. 783 00:41:18,804 --> 00:41:19,889 i know 784 00:41:19,930 --> 00:41:22,239 i have a dog It is very different. 785 00:41:27,438 --> 00:41:30,817 yes. I have a little lady. I have two ladies at home. 786 00:41:30,858 --> 00:41:32,902 My wife and dog are my ladies. 787 00:41:32,943 --> 00:41:34,946 I love it. Great to come home. 788 00:41:34,987 --> 00:41:36,698 I love coming home to them. 789 00:41:36,739 --> 00:41:38,992 And I travel a lot, so it's hard. 790 00:41:39,033 --> 00:41:41,661 It's hard to maintain the relationship the way you want. And we try. 791 00:41:41,702 --> 00:41:43,079 We tried everything. 792 00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:45,554 But I know how to ruin fun. 793 00:41:46,457 --> 00:41:48,585 Really, my attitude gets in the way all the time. 794 00:41:48,626 --> 00:41:52,464 she texted me "I want you to come home and take me." 795 00:41:52,505 --> 00:41:54,772 And I'm like... "Yes!" 796 00:41:55,424 --> 00:41:58,943 So I went in and was like, "Why did you park on this side? 797 00:41:59,720 --> 00:42:02,863 not. what tits now? Move the car.' 798 00:42:05,893 --> 00:42:09,606 It's hard. When you grow up with someone, You know her really well. 799 00:42:09,647 --> 00:42:11,983 We try all kinds of things to add interest. 800 00:42:12,024 --> 00:42:15,292 We watched porn together. It was the worst thing we did. 801 00:42:15,945 --> 00:42:17,113 Stupid idea. 802 00:42:17,154 --> 00:42:20,575 Because boys always say, "I want to watch porn with you." 803 00:42:20,616 --> 00:42:22,494 And the girls say "Okay. What category?' 804 00:42:22,535 --> 00:42:24,677 And you're like, "I don't want you to know." 805 00:42:27,665 --> 00:42:30,043 watch porn with the wife It's like watching sports with the wife. 806 00:42:30,084 --> 00:42:31,559 It's the same thing. 807 00:42:32,169 --> 00:42:35,145 Because every man says, "I can do that too." 808 00:42:37,007 --> 00:42:39,858 And every woman says, "These blacks look strong." 809 00:42:41,387 --> 00:42:43,112 "I wonder what it's like." 810 00:42:47,226 --> 00:42:49,354 We got off it. Now we see bad series. 811 00:42:49,395 --> 00:42:50,814 We love bad series. 812 00:42:50,855 --> 00:42:52,774 I love watching crappy series with her. 813 00:42:52,815 --> 00:42:55,235 We have periods of watching bad series. 814 00:42:55,276 --> 00:42:57,946 We saw a lot of "reality hunters". 815 00:42:57,987 --> 00:43:00,407 We watched it so much that at one point we were fucking 816 00:43:00,448 --> 00:43:01,964 And I was like "yeah!" 817 00:43:03,868 --> 00:43:06,663 And she was like "45... 818 00:43:06,704 --> 00:43:09,179 "Sold. too fast The next buyer?' 819 00:43:10,249 --> 00:43:12,975 I said, "But there's no one else here." 820 00:43:15,421 --> 00:43:19,843 We watched a historical docu, and I freaked out a bit, 821 00:43:19,884 --> 00:43:24,681 And it was a doco about the Ku Klux Klan. 822 00:43:24,722 --> 00:43:27,948 Have you heard of them? 823 00:43:28,726 --> 00:43:31,118 Imagine that I only found out about them now. 824 00:43:31,479 --> 00:43:33,746 I'm like, "Have you heard of them?" 825 00:43:34,732 --> 00:43:36,484 There was a whole movie about the KKK, 826 00:43:36,525 --> 00:43:38,862 And I turned to her and said, 827 00:43:38,903 --> 00:43:42,338 "Do you think there are gays in the KKK?" 828 00:43:43,157 --> 00:43:45,702 And she's like, "What?" 829 00:43:45,743 --> 00:43:48,594 I said, "Do you think there are gays in the KKK?" 830 00:43:48,954 --> 00:43:51,055 She said, "Is that part of your stand-up?" 831 00:43:52,041 --> 00:43:54,141 And I said "it will be, yes". 832 00:43:55,878 --> 00:43:58,520 Because in my opinion, there sure is. 833 00:43:59,131 --> 00:44:01,885 must be Statistically, there must be. 834 00:44:01,926 --> 00:44:03,678 I love statistics and analytics. 835 00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,570 I calculated. You don't need to. I already thought. 836 00:44:07,139 --> 00:44:09,184 Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee. 837 00:44:09,225 --> 00:44:13,021 These are the four states that have the most KKK. 838 00:44:13,062 --> 00:44:15,940 There are about 35,000 KKK members in these states. 839 00:44:15,981 --> 00:44:18,234 Some people are not proud of it. 840 00:44:18,275 --> 00:44:21,237 And in these four countries, Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee. 841 00:44:21,278 --> 00:44:23,948 2-3% of the residents identify as homosexual. 842 00:44:23,989 --> 00:44:28,092 Even in a conservative calculation, 2% of 3,000 is 60. 843 00:44:29,662 --> 00:44:32,429 60 gays in the Ku Klux Klan. 844 00:44:35,376 --> 00:44:37,059 what are they doing 845 00:44:38,212 --> 00:44:40,965 Quiet gays... what are you doing? 846 00:44:41,006 --> 00:44:43,426 Sprinkle glitter on the crosses before burning them? 847 00:44:43,467 --> 00:44:44,844 what are they doing 848 00:44:44,885 --> 00:44:47,528 Do you hear Chapel Rowan while hating? 849 00:44:51,350 --> 00:44:52,533 It's crazy. 850 00:44:53,978 --> 00:44:57,524 I have a lot of fun with her. We have fun together. 851 00:44:57,565 --> 00:44:59,526 It's awesome. do you know 852 00:44:59,567 --> 00:45:03,488 And yes, there are moments when we are really close. 853 00:45:03,529 --> 00:45:06,574 Last time I did A big tour in Australia, 854 00:45:06,615 --> 00:45:09,786 I came home, and she texted me, 855 00:45:09,827 --> 00:45:12,664 "Hey, I really want to to connect with you when you come back this time. 856 00:45:12,705 --> 00:45:15,597 "Put the work aside. Let's spend the whole day in bed. 857 00:45:16,333 --> 00:45:19,295 "I want us to have sex, We will eat and watch movies and TV. 858 00:45:19,336 --> 00:45:21,798 "I want to stay in bed all day." 859 00:45:21,839 --> 00:45:23,605 And I'm like, "Yes!" 860 00:45:24,675 --> 00:45:26,928 And I came home, and something happened. 861 00:45:26,969 --> 00:45:28,012 It worked! 862 00:45:28,053 --> 00:45:31,891 Everything worked out perfectly. It was amazing. 863 00:45:31,932 --> 00:45:33,977 We had sex like before. 864 00:45:34,018 --> 00:45:35,353 yes. Like when we were young. 865 00:45:35,394 --> 00:45:37,564 And the one who understands will understand. 866 00:45:37,605 --> 00:45:39,607 We had sex like before. 867 00:45:39,648 --> 00:45:41,957 And we both knew it, because in the process, we were both like... 868 00:45:44,069 --> 00:45:46,406 "What the hell is going on here?" 869 00:45:46,447 --> 00:45:48,756 "Two poses? What's up with us?' 870 00:45:50,409 --> 00:45:53,204 When she turned over, I reacted like a black man seeing a magician. 871 00:45:53,245 --> 00:45:57,542 I was so... "What is this, David Blaine?" 872 00:45:57,583 --> 00:45:58,849 I left the room. 873 00:46:02,755 --> 00:46:04,090 It was amazing. 874 00:46:04,131 --> 00:46:05,425 I was so happy. 875 00:46:05,466 --> 00:46:08,511 I brushed my teeth in the bathroom And I looked at myself in the mirror, 876 00:46:08,552 --> 00:46:11,264 and I felt good, Because I didn't eat breakfast that day. 877 00:46:11,305 --> 00:46:13,447 I said, "Look at him!" 878 00:46:14,308 --> 00:46:15,393 and she was in bed, 879 00:46:15,434 --> 00:46:18,479 And I jumped on myself, because you feel good after that. 880 00:46:18,520 --> 00:46:21,205 Such men... the flag is still at half-mast. 881 00:46:21,774 --> 00:46:24,611 Your dick is like a soldier back from the battlefield, 882 00:46:24,652 --> 00:46:27,795 Resting on a rock, and such... "You were not bad." 883 00:46:28,947 --> 00:46:31,590 His heart is beating... "Yes." 884 00:46:32,534 --> 00:46:35,052 "If you want, I can come back for another round." 885 00:46:35,704 --> 00:46:37,790 "The war is over, man. Take off the helmet. 886 00:46:37,831 --> 00:46:39,973 'You can't. You're done.' 887 00:46:42,544 --> 00:46:44,172 Then she told me, 888 00:46:44,213 --> 00:46:46,633 "Why don't you touch me after sex?" 889 00:46:46,674 --> 00:46:48,190 And I'm like, "What?" 890 00:46:48,967 --> 00:46:50,845 "Why don't you touch me after sex?" 891 00:46:50,886 --> 00:46:53,139 "I just touched you a lot! 892 00:46:53,180 --> 00:46:55,322 "I touched his face. This is Akbar touch! 893 00:46:56,141 --> 00:46:58,478 "It's an Akbar touch as far as I'm concerned." 894 00:46:58,519 --> 00:47:00,772 If you're playing catch and touch someone in the palm of your hand, 895 00:47:00,813 --> 00:47:03,900 He's like, 'What was that? I didn't like it. 896 00:47:03,941 --> 00:47:06,834 cut it out. The game is over.' 897 00:47:08,195 --> 00:47:09,447 "I'm serious." 898 00:47:09,488 --> 00:47:12,700 "I don't know!" I asked friends, "Do you touch your girlfriends and wives after sex?" 899 00:47:12,741 --> 00:47:16,204 And they are like "No! Do not return to the scene of the accident. 900 00:47:16,245 --> 00:47:17,803 "You have to overlap from there." 901 00:47:18,914 --> 00:47:23,044 But I couldn't explain it to her. It's hard. she doesn't understand She has no idea. 902 00:47:23,085 --> 00:47:25,296 Women have no idea what we go through. 903 00:47:25,337 --> 00:47:28,383 You don't understand. Sex is different for you. You feel wonderful. 904 00:47:28,424 --> 00:47:30,677 You connect on a level we don't reach. 905 00:47:30,718 --> 00:47:34,847 Physically, mentally, emotionally, all together. I'm sure it's an amazing feeling. 906 00:47:34,888 --> 00:47:38,059 We are not there at all. I'm not even there when it happens. 907 00:47:38,100 --> 00:47:42,995 I float in time and space, In total blackout, like a marionette. 908 00:47:43,856 --> 00:47:45,122 I'm not there. 909 00:47:45,899 --> 00:47:48,945 And when it's over, you must feel it Protected and happy and warm and happy. 910 00:47:48,986 --> 00:47:51,837 we don't 911 00:47:52,781 --> 00:47:56,411 Once it's over, once the last drop is out, 912 00:47:56,452 --> 00:48:01,749 This is the deepest sadness I have had as an adult. 913 00:48:01,790 --> 00:48:05,309 It's like someone ran into the room and said "Your whole family was killed." 914 00:48:06,003 --> 00:48:08,979 I walk around like this with a half erection. "All killed? 915 00:48:09,923 --> 00:48:11,732 "My father in his armchair? 916 00:48:12,593 --> 00:48:13,942 "What happened?" 917 00:48:15,012 --> 00:48:17,571 I just lost 128 million people. 918 00:48:18,557 --> 00:48:22,228 The whole company is gone. They died, and it's my fault. 919 00:48:22,269 --> 00:48:23,771 128... This is Japan. 920 00:48:23,812 --> 00:48:26,691 I lost all of Japan. on your tits 921 00:48:26,732 --> 00:48:29,207 "And you want a hug? I will brush my teeth. okay?' 922 00:48:32,279 --> 00:48:33,948 I try 923 00:48:33,989 --> 00:48:36,743 I don't know if it works, but I try. 924 00:48:36,784 --> 00:48:38,133 But I love her. 925 00:48:39,995 --> 00:48:41,178 I love her. 926 00:48:41,622 --> 00:48:44,250 It's been a great journey, and I hope it continues. 927 00:48:44,291 --> 00:48:48,004 And I say it every show, And in this show too, and I mean it. 928 00:48:48,045 --> 00:48:49,589 I don't care how you found me, 929 00:48:49,630 --> 00:48:51,674 Whether through a TV series, or bad friends, 930 00:48:51,715 --> 00:48:53,941 Or Dave or something, or whiskey... 931 00:48:58,222 --> 00:49:00,308 But I will say that it is very important to me, 932 00:49:00,349 --> 00:49:03,936 And that I will never, really, get tired of making a living from it. 933 00:49:03,977 --> 00:49:06,773 I appreciate you all. Thank you very much. 934 00:49:06,814 --> 00:49:08,664 Hello, Minneapolis. good night 935 00:50:12,754 --> 00:50:15,925 At three, give me "sure". One, two, three... 936 00:50:15,966 --> 00:50:17,733 Sure! 937 00:50:19,595 --> 00:50:21,737 Translation: Yaniv Idelstein