1
00:00:20,959 --> 00:00:23,319
Grumio?
Grumio, mate?

2
00:00:28,959 --> 00:00:29,959
Marcus?

3
00:00:32,159 --> 00:00:34,639
Grumio. No.

4
00:00:34,639 --> 00:00:36,959
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Grumio?

5
00:00:36,959 --> 00:00:39,959
Grumio? No.

6
00:00:39,959 --> 00:00:41,959
Grumio, please don't be dead.

7
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:43,959
Don't be dead, Grumio.
Don't be dead!

8
00:00:45,959 --> 00:00:47,959
I'm sorry.

9
00:00:47,959 --> 00:00:50,959
Poor, sweet Grumio.

10
00:01:02,799 --> 00:01:05,959
Hurry up, Grumio, you lazy slug.
Why are you so slow?

11
00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:07,959
Told you
we shouldn't have set off now,

12
00:01:07,959 --> 00:01:09,959
in between brekkie
and me morning poo.

13
00:01:09,959 --> 00:01:10,959
I'm fully loaded over here.

14
00:01:10,959 --> 00:01:11,959
Yes. Well, not everything in life

15
00:01:11,959 --> 00:01:14,800
can be timed around
your bowel movements, I'm afraid.

16
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,959
Hail! Hail!

17
00:01:33,480 --> 00:01:37,319
Oh, you're kidding me!
Now we'll definitely be late.

18
00:01:37,319 --> 00:01:39,959
Can't we just nip across this party,
or whatever?

19
00:01:39,959 --> 00:01:42,959
It's not a party, you idiot.
It's a victory parade.

20
00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:45,160
You don't just nip across.
Ooh, victory?

21
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,959
Who'd they beat this time?
The Parthians.

22
00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:50,959
Looks like we kicked their arses.
Fucking losers!

23
00:01:50,959 --> 00:01:53,959
Ha-ha-ha! In your face, Parthians.

24
00:01:53,959 --> 00:01:55,959
Who are ya? Who are ya?

25
00:01:55,959 --> 00:01:57,959
Who, who, who are they, then,
these Parthians?

26
00:01:57,959 --> 00:02:00,319
No idea. Either way,
I'm not sure we should be cheering

27
00:02:00,319 --> 00:02:01,959
the annihilation of another race.

28
00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:03,959
It's their fault, in't it,
for messing with t'best?

29
00:02:03,959 --> 00:02:05,800
Come on.
Let's go the long way round.

30
00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,960
Bloody hell, what were that?

31
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:09,960
It sounds like we stole an elephant.

32
00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:11,960
They can do that with their nose,
apparently.

33
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,960
You what? This, I've got to see.

34
00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:14,960
Argh!
Oh, sorry!

35
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,960
You're treading on my foot. Sorry.
We just wanna see the elephant.

36
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:18,960
Well, I wanna see soldiers.

37
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
Remind myself
what real men look like.

38
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,960
Like professional murderers,
I guess.

39
00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:25,960
Well, not like some whiny pussy,
whose mum still tucks him in.

40
00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:27,960
You have a narrow definition
of masculinity.

41
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,960
Touch me again, I'll lamp ya.

42
00:02:29,960 --> 00:02:31,960
And my mum doesn't tuck me in,
thank you.

43
00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:32,960
Bloody Nora, it's a whopper!

44
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:34,960
Argh!

45
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:36,960
Argh!
I warned you, dickhead.

46
00:02:36,960 --> 00:02:40,960
Grumio, help me!
Ha-ha-ha, this is quality. Ha-ha!

47
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:50,960
You're half an hour late.
Yeah, sorry.

48
00:02:50,960 --> 00:02:52,960
It was the army's fault
for blocking the road.

49
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,960
And an old woman's fault
for punching me in the face.

50
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:58,960
And my slave's for not defending me.
Defence in't my forte.

51
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,160
This is a slave
whose licence you failed to renew.

52
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,320
Grumio, is it?
It is, yes. Hello.

53
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,960
Yeah, again, his fault
for not completing the paperwork.

54
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,320
Paperwork's not my forte either.

55
00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:09,960
I'm not sure he has a forte,
to be honest.

56
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:12,960
Well, why renew his licence, then?
Wouldn't you rather just sell him?

57
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,960
What? Do you wanna buy him?

58
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,000
Definitely not.
And there you go.

59
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,960
He's a dud, and I'm stuck with him.
Pot, kettle, mate.

60
00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:22,639
Right. Well, fill in this form,

61
00:03:22,639 --> 00:03:25,000
and return to collect your licence
next week.

62
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,320
And don't be late this time.
Yeah.

63
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,960
Well, can I use your back
to write on? Oh!

64
00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,960
And he says I don't have a forte.

65
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,960
OK, darling.
Right, next match, you V me.

66
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:51,320
No? All right,
just follow him instead.

67
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,960
Don't blame you,
he's a bleeding beefcake.

68
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:56,960
We're busy. Why are we busy?
All right, boys?

69
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,479
Yeah, I filled the place
with soldiers.

70
00:03:58,479 --> 00:03:59,960
There's someone in me seat.

71
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,960
It's a small price to pay, Grumio.
This is amazing!

72
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:03,960
I know, right?

73
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:04,960
I signed us up to this thing

74
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:06,960
where businesses give freebies
to soldiers.

75
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,960
Freebies? Yeah.
And then they all just pile in.

76
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:11,000
They're getting freebies?
Yes. Why would you do that?

77
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,960
Erm, to show some appreciation
to the heroes, maybe.

78
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,959
Yeah. And to show some appreciation
to the hotties that follow 'em in.

79
00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:19,959
Although, they're only really
interested in the heroes, though.

80
00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:21,000
Sort of backfired in that respect.

81
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:22,959
It's backfired
in every bloody respect.

82
00:04:22,959 --> 00:04:25,959
This is a disaster!
Yeah. Where am I meant to sit?

83
00:04:25,959 --> 00:04:27,959
Excuse me?! Hello!

84
00:04:27,959 --> 00:04:29,959
Hello, heroes and friends of heroes.

85
00:04:29,959 --> 00:04:31,959
Just to say,
we are no longer participating

86
00:04:31,959 --> 00:04:33,959
in the free food and drink scheme.

87
00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:35,640
You're more than welcome to stay,

88
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,959
but from now on,
you'll have to pay.

89
00:04:37,959 --> 00:04:40,959
We've already paid, mate,
with our service.

90
00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:42,959
OK. Well, from now on,
you can pay with your money,

91
00:04:42,959 --> 00:04:44,320
for our service.

92
00:04:45,799 --> 00:04:46,959
Is this guy for real?
Are you for real?

93
00:04:46,959 --> 00:04:48,480
Yes, I am.

94
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:50,959
We just conquered Parthia
for pricks like you,

95
00:04:50,959 --> 00:04:51,959
and this is the thanks we get?

96
00:04:51,959 --> 00:04:53,799
You didn't conquer it for me.

97
00:04:53,799 --> 00:04:55,000
I was fine without Parthia,
thank you.

98
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,160
Some of us got killed.
Yes. Well, not you, though, clearly.

99
00:04:58,160 --> 00:04:59,480
I got wounded, mate.

100
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:02,480
Picked up this baby
on the final assault.

101
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:03,959
Did you? Really?

102
00:05:03,959 --> 00:05:04,959
Because I picked up a similar baby

103
00:05:04,959 --> 00:05:06,959
falling off a pony
when I was nine, so...

104
00:05:06,959 --> 00:05:08,959
Oh, I can't find it now.
It must have faded.

105
00:05:08,959 --> 00:05:11,959
Either way, you will have to pay,
I'm afraid.

106
00:05:11,959 --> 00:05:12,959
Well, come on, then, lads,

107
00:05:12,959 --> 00:05:14,959
let's go somewhere
that values our sacrifice.

108
00:05:14,959 --> 00:05:16,959
They're doing free chicken
at The Beak Barn.

109
00:05:16,959 --> 00:05:19,160
Yeah, that's more like it.

110
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:20,959
Come on.

111
00:05:20,959 --> 00:05:23,640
You need to respect the eagle, boy.

112
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,959
Oi, oi, oi! Stop it! Come on.

113
00:05:31,959 --> 00:05:33,959
A couple more whacks,
the whole thing'll come down.

114
00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:35,480
All right, Landlord?

115
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:38,959
Salve, Grumio. Look at this.
I have a message from the Emperor.

116
00:05:38,959 --> 00:05:40,959
Oh, right.
Were that him there, then?

117
00:05:40,959 --> 00:05:43,959
Oh, yeah, yeah. He's very hands-on.
What's it say?

118
00:05:43,959 --> 00:05:45,959
"Following the victory in Parthia,

119
00:05:45,959 --> 00:05:49,959
"His Holiness Augustus Caesar
hereby calls an end to all wars

120
00:05:49,959 --> 00:05:51,959
"and declares an era
of lasting peace."

121
00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:53,959
Oh, sweet! Peace is way better.

122
00:05:53,959 --> 00:05:55,959
Well, it's more peaceful, in't it?
Yeah.

123
00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:58,959
"As a result, our brave veterans
will now need housing,

124
00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:01,959
"and so he commands
a series of purchase orders

125
00:06:01,959 --> 00:06:04,959
"on selected tenements,
including this one."

126
00:06:04,959 --> 00:06:07,480
What? They're buying this place?
And kicking us out, yeah.

127
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,320
Don't kick us out. We love it here!

128
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:11,959
Well, I wouldn't go that far,
but yeah, please don't kick us out.

129
00:06:11,959 --> 00:06:14,959
That'd be a huge faff.
Don't sweat it, boys.

130
00:06:14,959 --> 00:06:17,959
You know me,
I can wriggle out of it.

131
00:06:17,959 --> 00:06:18,959
Cheers, Landlord.
Nice.

132
00:06:18,959 --> 00:06:20,000
"Given the inconvenience,

133
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,959
"we are prepared to offer
an inflated price of a h..."

134
00:06:22,959 --> 00:06:25,959
Bloody hell! Erm...

135
00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:27,320
Right. So, does that mean...?

136
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,959
Well, maybe I can't
wriggle out of it, actually.

137
00:06:30,959 --> 00:06:33,959
Oh, super! Super-duper!

138
00:06:33,959 --> 00:06:34,959
I mean, how have they done this?

139
00:06:34,959 --> 00:06:36,959
In one day, these heroes
have absolutely smashed

140
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:37,959
my quality of life.

141
00:06:37,959 --> 00:06:40,959
This must be what it's like
for the bloody Parthians.

142
00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:42,320
Look, I hear you, brother,
and I agree.

143
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:44,959
It is jizz. It's red-hot jizz, OK?

144
00:06:44,959 --> 00:06:46,959
But it's how we respond
to this stuff that counts.

145
00:06:46,959 --> 00:06:49,959
Yes, yes. I know.
Think of the positives.

146
00:06:49,959 --> 00:06:51,959
Focus on what we've got.
Well, no.

147
00:06:51,959 --> 00:06:55,000
I was thinking more,
we join the army.

148
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,959
I'm sorry,
what kind of response is that?

149
00:06:58,959 --> 00:06:59,959
Look, think about it.

150
00:06:59,959 --> 00:07:01,959
As soon as we put them uniforms on,

151
00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:03,959
we're gonna be drowning in hotties,
free chicken.

152
00:07:03,959 --> 00:07:06,160
And it doesn't matter
if we get turfed out of this place

153
00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:07,959
because they'll put us up
in barracks.

154
00:07:07,959 --> 00:07:09,959
You had me at free chicken,
sweetheart.

155
00:07:09,959 --> 00:07:12,000
And your quality of life,
double naughty.

156
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:13,959
I mean, yeah, unless I get killed.

157
00:07:13,959 --> 00:07:16,160
Death wouldn't be ideal
for my quality of life either.

158
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,959
Yeah, but you heard Landlord.

159
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:20,000
His Holiness has declared
an era of lasting peace.

160
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:22,480
We'd have all the perks
without any of the shit stuff,

161
00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:23,799
eg, dying.

162
00:07:23,799 --> 00:07:25,959
And we might get one of them
bog-brush helmets. Exactly.

163
00:07:25,959 --> 00:07:29,320
Come on, man, there has never been
a better time to sign up.

164
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:30,959
I turn 30 in a few weeks.

165
00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:33,959
I'm not just starting again
as a soldier.

166
00:07:34,959 --> 00:07:37,160
Plus, there's the bar.
We've got to think about that.

167
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:39,959
That place has got
so much untapped potential.

168
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:42,959
Look around you.
They've trashed the place.

169
00:07:43,959 --> 00:07:46,959
Me stock's gone,
the plates are in pieces,

170
00:07:46,959 --> 00:07:48,959
and they've shat in the wine jugs.

171
00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:51,799
Ugh. It's quite impressive,
actually.

172
00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:56,160
Oh!

173
00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:00,959
So, Jason, why do you want to join
the armed forces?

174
00:08:00,959 --> 00:08:04,959
Er, I guess, to impress girls,
you know what I mean?

175
00:08:04,959 --> 00:08:08,480
OK. I'm going to put "to give
something back to my country".

176
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,320
Cool. Yeah, yeah. That, too. Yeah.

177
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:13,959
Ooh!

178
00:08:13,959 --> 00:08:14,959
Aaahhh!

179
00:08:14,959 --> 00:08:17,959
Could you please tell me the motto
of the Roman Army?

180
00:08:17,959 --> 00:08:21,799
Uh, "kill strangers, get elephants"?

181
00:08:21,799 --> 00:08:24,640
Almost. It's "strength and honour".

182
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,959
Well, they both work, don't they?

183
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:31,959
Yes!

184
00:08:31,959 --> 00:08:33,960
What would you say
is your greatest achievement?

185
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,960
That's a tricky one.
There's so much to choose from.

186
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960
I once ate a wheelbarrow
full of cheese.

187
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:39,960
OK. Anything else?

188
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,960
I didn't cut my toenails for a year.

189
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,960
I think I'll stick with the cheese.

190
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:45,960
You're the boss.

191
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,960
Congratulations!
Welcome to the army.

192
00:08:48,960 --> 00:08:51,159
Ha! That was easier than I thought.

193
00:08:51,159 --> 00:08:52,960
Well,
with so many soldiers retiring,

194
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:54,960
we're taking almost anyone
at the moment.

195
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
OK. That makes sense now.

196
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:58,960
And we get 2,000 denarii
just for signing up.

197
00:08:58,960 --> 00:08:59,960
I can't believe it.
I know!

198
00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:02,479
I'm still waiting for the catch.
I think it's coming now.

199
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,960
Oh, for Jove's sake,
what are you doing here?

200
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,159
Erm, giving something back
to my country, of course.

201
00:09:08,159 --> 00:09:09,960
Did you follow us?

202
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,960
Well, let's not dwell on
who followed who.

203
00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:15,159
So, yes, then.
Yes, I did. But who cares?

204
00:09:15,159 --> 00:09:16,960
We're together, is what matters.

205
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960
This is a whole new adventure
for us.

206
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:20,159
The Barracks Boys.

207
00:09:20,159 --> 00:09:22,960
When do I learn
how to strangle someone?

208
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,960
Recruits, fall in.

209
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:26,960
Which one's fall in? Sorry, mate.

210
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:28,320
Just stand still, golden tits.

211
00:09:29,479 --> 00:09:30,799
Morning!

212
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:35,960
My name is Centurion Gordian,

213
00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,960
but YOU can call me sir.

214
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,960
My job is to turn
you bunch of bed-wetters

215
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,960
into a crack troop
of hardened killers.

216
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Which, seeing as the Emperor
has called an end to all war,

217
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,960
is a complete fucking waste of time.

218
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,960
We should just form a daisy chain
and fucking tug each other dry.

219
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:03,000
But the big man is paying us...

220
00:10:04,479 --> 00:10:06,960
..so let's crack on with the oath.

221
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
Repeat after me,

222
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:11,960
I swear by the sacred gods
of mine own honour...

223
00:10:11,960 --> 00:10:14,960
I swear by the sacred gods
of mine own honour...

224
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:17,960
'..that I will faithfully serve
under the standards of Rome...'

225
00:10:19,159 --> 00:10:22,799
'..that I will faithfully serve
under the standards of Rome...'

226
00:10:22,799 --> 00:10:28,960
'..that I will follow my commander,
wherever he may lead...'

227
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,960
'..that I will obey orders
enthusiastically

228
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,000
'and without question...'

229
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,159
'..that I will obey orders
enthusiastically

230
00:10:35,159 --> 00:10:36,960
'and without question...'

231
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:41,960
'..that I will support
my fellow soldiers...'

232
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:47,320
'..and I will never desert
the legion.'

233
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,960
Having made this solemn oath,
I congratulate you.

234
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:53,960
Welcome to the Second Legion.

235
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,960
You are now soldiers of Rome.

236
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,960
Easy-peasy!

237
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:05,479
I told her I was a commando.
I don't even know what that is.

238
00:11:05,479 --> 00:11:06,960
It's someone who don't wear undies.

239
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960
That was definitely true
by the end of the night.

240
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,960
I've got to hand it to you, Jason,
I cannot believe how cushy this is.

241
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,960
I know! And it's just marching
about, which is basically walking.

242
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,960
And not to stroke me own goat,

243
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,960
but I had nailed that
by the age of two.

244
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,960
And this is great.
Uh-huh.

245
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:21,000
I didn't catch much of that, Grumio,

246
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,960
but I'm assuming it was something
about the free chicken.

247
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:25,960
THEY CHUCKLE

248
00:11:33,799 --> 00:11:36,320
I need 400 sacks of grain,

249
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:39,479
200 packhorses and 3,000 cabbages.

250
00:11:39,479 --> 00:11:41,960
Oh, that's a big recipe.
What are you making, a stew?

251
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,960
No, no.

252
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:46,960
We had news last night
of a barbarian invasion

253
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:47,960
on our northern border.

254
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,479
Oh, really? Where's that, then?

255
00:11:50,479 --> 00:11:52,960
Frisia.
About a three-week march away.

256
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,960
Oh, that's fine.
They won't get here for ages.

257
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,960
They won't get here at all, ideally.

258
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,960
We're sending the Second Legion
to drive them back.

259
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,640
Nice one! That'll learn 'em.

260
00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:02,960
But that's us.
We're the Second Legion.

261
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:05,960
Oh, shit! That is us.
There we go. The penny's dropped.

262
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:08,960
Yes, the Emperor's put us on
an immediate war footing, you see.

263
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960
But what about the era
of lasting peace?

264
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,960
I suppose it didn't last very long,
did it? As per.

265
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,960
Did you hear the news, lads?
Go pack your bollocks.

266
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:18,960
We're going to war, baby. Come on!

267
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,479
Let's kill
some filthy foreign fucks. Yes!

268
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,000
Strength and honour, then.

269
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:28,960
Strength and honour.

270
00:12:38,159 --> 00:12:41,159
War?! Fucking war?

271
00:12:41,159 --> 00:12:43,960
"There's never been a better time
to sign up," you said.

272
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:44,960
Well, don't blame me.

273
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,000
Blame the barbarians for invading,
or the Emperor for getting wound up.

274
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,960
Chill out. It'll be fine.

275
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,960
I'm sorry, what? War will be fine?

276
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,960
Probs.

277
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960
Yeah. Look, it might even be good.

278
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:57,960
Right, we toddle up there,
fight some foreigners,

279
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:58,960
bang some birds
and then we toddle back.

280
00:12:58,960 --> 00:13:00,960
It'll be like a lads' holiday.

281
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:03,960
Of course it won't.
It will be horrible.

282
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,960
War is not for guys like us, OK?
Let alone Grumio.

283
00:13:06,960 --> 00:13:08,960
What? Why "let alone Grumio"?

284
00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:10,960
What part of soldiering
in't for me?

285
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:11,960
Well, let's have a think, shall we?

286
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:13,960
Erm, getting out of bed,
making your bed.

287
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,640
Two things you struggle with
in the first few minutes of the day.

288
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,960
And how will you cope
with the bloodthirsty barbarians?

289
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,960
Well, I'll give them a wide berth,
obviously.

290
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,960
And if shit gets nasty,
I'll play dead.

291
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,960
I think you won't have to play dead,
Grumio, when you will just be dead.

292
00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,159
Don't worry about me, son.
I'll ace it.

293
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,960
Hey, if you're not up for it, mate,

294
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,320
then how's about
you just don't come?

295
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:37,320
Well, no, because that's desertion.

296
00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:39,960
And according to our oath,
that is not cool.

297
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:44,159
Grumio, pass me that knife.

298
00:13:44,159 --> 00:13:45,960
I'm gonna chop my pinkie off.

299
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,640
What? How's that gonna help?

300
00:13:47,640 --> 00:13:48,960
The army needs you to have
all ten fingers.

301
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,960
It's a bit chicken-y.
Don't fucking judge me.

302
00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,960
I meant the knife,
it's covered in chicken juice.

303
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,960
That's fine. Just give it here.

304
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,960
Goodbye, little finger.

305
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:00,960
Never really used you,

306
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,960
but I thank you for your sacrifice
to save the rest of me, so...

307
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,960
MARCUS EXHALES

308
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:10,159
If I can just...
bring myself to do it.

309
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:16,960
OK, I am a bit chicken-y.

310
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,960
War it is, then. Good choice!
I'll get one more for the road.

311
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,960
Excuse me!

312
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:11,320
Company, fall out.

313
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,960
Fall out, not fall down, Gallo,
you ugly turd.

314
00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:18,960
On your feet, man.

315
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,960
Welcome. Welcome to the garrison.

316
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:22,960
It's a bit of a sausage party,
innit?

317
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,960
What, the army? Yeah, it is.
What were you expecting?

318
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,960
Well, like, a girl in every port.
That's the saying, innit?

319
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:31,960
Yeah, about the navy.
Is it? Shit!

320
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,960
Saw a hot blonde standing in a field
a couple of days back.

321
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:35,960
That was a scarecrow, Grumio.

322
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:38,960
A hot scarecrow, then.
Company, attention!

323
00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:39,960
Sir.

324
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:42,960
Get yourselves in groups of four,
and grab a tent from the pile.

325
00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:45,159
Chop, chop! Get to it!

326
00:15:45,159 --> 00:15:47,960
And a one, two, three, four,
they call us The Canvas Crew.

327
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,640
I don't think they do, actually.
No fucking way, mate.

328
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,960
But why not?
We're a ready-made foursome.

329
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,960
Er, well, because our tent's full.

330
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:56,960
Yeah, we're already a foursome,
mate.

331
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,960
What? How? Who with?

332
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Oh, God, where's he gone?

333
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,960
It's a bit of a sausage fest, innit?

334
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:05,960
There he is. Oi, mate!
Remind me your name again.

335
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960
Draco Fructus. Why?

336
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,960
That's the one.
And you're in a tent with us, right?

337
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,960
Yeah. So, whatever!

338
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:13,960
Sorry, bro.
We can't let Draco Fructus down.

339
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,960
All right, lads,
do you want to share a tent?

340
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:17,960
No, OK.

341
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960
Greetings, Centurion.
Welcome to Frisia.

342
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,960
Thank you, sir. Glad to be here.

343
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:24,960
You shouldn't be.
This place is a total toilet.

344
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,960
Yeah. Foreign milk tastes weird,
doesn't it, Corporal?

345
00:16:26,960 --> 00:16:28,960
Oh, it does, sir.
Pillows are weird as well.

346
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:30,960
No fluff to them at all,
is there, Corporal?

347
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,960
Oh, they are very flat, sir.
Disgustingly flat.

348
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,960
Well, let's hope
these newbies are up to snuff,

349
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:36,960
so we can get out of this dump,
pronto.

350
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:38,960
They certainly are, sir.

351
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,640
Where's the corners?
That man's stuck in a tent.

352
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:43,640
Which way's the right?
Get off me!

353
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:45,960
For fuck's sake!

354
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,799
Get off me!

355
00:16:47,799 --> 00:16:49,320
Ridiculous!

356
00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,960
Go. Move, move, move,
move, move, move, move. Move!

357
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,960
Come on. That's it, boys.
Move on through there.

358
00:16:55,960 --> 00:16:59,640
And the next! Let's go.
Go on, that's it, wee man.

359
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:01,960
Faster, Gallo, you boneless dick!

360
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,959
Go, go, go! That's it, that's it!

361
00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:07,640
Keep moving.
Come on, Gallo. Pathetic.

362
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,479
You're like a lifeless testicle.

363
00:17:12,319 --> 00:17:13,959
Concentrate, Gallo,

364
00:17:13,959 --> 00:17:16,800
that wrist's had enough practice,
hasn't it?

365
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:18,959
Well done, Grumio.
That's nice and shiny.

366
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:25,319
Don't just hang there, Gallo,
you miserable streak of spunk.

367
00:17:25,319 --> 00:17:26,959
Pull up!

368
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:33,959
OK, shit birds, the moment
you've all been waiting for.

369
00:17:33,959 --> 00:17:35,959
Combat training.

370
00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:37,479
I need a volunteer.

371
00:17:38,959 --> 00:17:41,959
Go on, then, sir, I'll have a bash.
Good man.

372
00:17:41,959 --> 00:17:44,959
Grab a sword.
All right. Oh!

373
00:17:44,959 --> 00:17:46,959
Now, I want you to edge forward,

374
00:17:46,959 --> 00:17:48,959
side on and stab it.

375
00:17:48,959 --> 00:17:50,959
Yes, sir. I'll do my best.

376
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,160
Good. Good stance.

377
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:56,959
Low centre of gravity.

378
00:17:56,959 --> 00:17:58,959
Did you spar back in Rome?

379
00:17:58,959 --> 00:18:00,959
Well, the bath house
did have a steam room, yeah.

380
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,959
Did you fight at home?

381
00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:04,959
No, sir. I mostly ate and slept.

382
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:06,959
Ah, then, you must be a natural.

383
00:18:09,959 --> 00:18:11,959
You disagree, do you, legionary?

384
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,800
Well, perhaps you would like to
show us how it's done.

385
00:18:15,800 --> 00:18:17,959
Oh, yes, please do, legionary.

386
00:18:19,959 --> 00:18:20,959
OK.

387
00:18:22,959 --> 00:18:25,959
So, something like...
Side on.

388
00:18:28,319 --> 00:18:30,160
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!

389
00:18:30,160 --> 00:18:31,800
Got it.
"Got it, sir."

390
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,959
Got it, sir. All right.
It's quite heavy, innit?

391
00:18:33,959 --> 00:18:34,959
Side on!

392
00:18:34,959 --> 00:18:36,959
I ordered you to stab, not swipe!

393
00:18:36,959 --> 00:18:39,959
Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab!

394
00:18:39,959 --> 00:18:41,959
Oh, oh!
Did I say you could stop?!

395
00:18:41,959 --> 00:18:45,959
Sorry, sir, I just got a splinter.
A splinter? Oh, shit!

396
00:18:45,959 --> 00:18:48,959
Oh, is that why you're wailing
like a baby being buggered, is it?

397
00:18:49,959 --> 00:18:54,160
How in Jove's name are you
gonna cope with actual barbarians?

398
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,959
Will they be made of wood, sir?

399
00:18:55,959 --> 00:18:58,160
No, legionary,
they will not be made of wood!

400
00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:01,160
They will be made
of pure savagery and hatred!

401
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:02,959
Something you'd better be ready for

402
00:19:02,959 --> 00:19:05,959
if you're gonna be in the front line
of the Roman fucking Army.

403
00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:08,640
Sorry, in the front line?

404
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,959
Stand down, Gallo,
you quivering anus.

405
00:19:10,959 --> 00:19:12,959
And shut up.

406
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,959
Pathetic!

407
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,160
The front line?

408
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:23,160
I thought we'd be hidden
in the middle somewhere.

409
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,959
The front line's closest to
the action. That's what you want.

410
00:19:25,959 --> 00:19:27,959
If you're at a gig, yes.
Not at a war.

411
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:29,959
Hey, we'll be first
into enemy territory,

412
00:19:29,959 --> 00:19:32,959
so dibs on the spoils,
if you know what I'm saying?

413
00:19:32,959 --> 00:19:35,800
Oh-ho, yeah.
I'm gonna spoils myself rotten.

414
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:37,959
Oh, yeah, man, we'll scoop up
some of that sweet barbarian booty.

415
00:19:37,959 --> 00:19:40,959
The booty!
The fruity booty!

416
00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:41,959
Sorry, just to be clear,

417
00:19:41,959 --> 00:19:43,800
are you talking about
sexual assault?

418
00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:45,959
No! I don't think so. What? Are we?

419
00:19:45,959 --> 00:19:47,319
No. No, not exactly.

420
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:50,640
Pillaging booty is a well-known part
of the war experience.

421
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:52,959
Consensual pillaging, yeah?
Well, they're foreign,

422
00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,959
so it's hard to know
what they're saying.

423
00:19:54,959 --> 00:19:57,800
Don't worry about it.
It's a grey area.

424
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:58,959
It's quite dark grey, though, innit?

425
00:19:58,959 --> 00:20:00,959
Booty!
Uh-huh.

426
00:20:00,959 --> 00:20:03,959
Little tip from the top, I apply oil
to my lips to keep them lubed.

427
00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:06,000
Aurelius, where've you been?
Why weren't you at training?

428
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:09,959
And what's with the curly sword?
It's my big bugle, if you must know.

429
00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,959
Top brass saw I had music skills
on my forms

430
00:20:11,959 --> 00:20:12,959
and transferred me
to the Empire Band.

431
00:20:12,959 --> 00:20:15,959
The band? What, do you still have to
do soldiering, or what?

432
00:20:15,959 --> 00:20:17,959
No. We just play tunes at the back.

433
00:20:17,959 --> 00:20:20,959
Which is a shame
cos I'm also an excellent archer.

434
00:20:20,959 --> 00:20:21,959
But hey-ho.

435
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:23,959
Can we get transferred to
the Empire Band?

436
00:20:23,959 --> 00:20:24,959
I doubt it.

437
00:20:24,959 --> 00:20:26,959
You need at least grade five
in a wind instrument.

438
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:28,800
And, no, your bottom doesn't count.

439
00:20:29,959 --> 00:20:32,640
Come on, band of brothers,
let's leave these losers behind.

440
00:20:33,959 --> 00:20:36,959
I'll catch you guys in a bit.
Hey, where you going?

441
00:20:36,959 --> 00:20:38,959
We're trying out
defensive manoeuvres.

442
00:20:38,959 --> 00:20:41,640
Yeah. Yeah, so am I.

443
00:20:48,959 --> 00:20:51,959
Hello there. I'm here to see
the senior officer.

444
00:20:51,959 --> 00:20:53,959
I've just arrived from Rome.
Oh, yes, of course.

445
00:20:53,959 --> 00:20:57,000
The General's just through there.
Through here? Uh-huh.

446
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,959
In you go, then.
He's here, sir!

447
00:21:03,959 --> 00:21:06,479
General Diomedes, sir.
Ah-ha, and about time too.

448
00:21:06,479 --> 00:21:08,959
Where do you want me,
on the couch, the desk?

449
00:21:08,959 --> 00:21:09,959
Er, wherever you like.

450
00:21:09,959 --> 00:21:11,959
It was just to ask about
the possibility of, er...

451
00:21:11,959 --> 00:21:14,959
I can't tell you how desperately
I've needed someone with expertise.

452
00:21:18,959 --> 00:21:20,959
Come on, then, hop to it.

453
00:21:20,959 --> 00:21:22,959
My neck and shoulders
are in absolute knots.

454
00:21:25,959 --> 00:21:27,959
Chop, chop!
Right. Yes. Yeah.

455
00:21:34,959 --> 00:21:36,959
Ah.

456
00:21:36,959 --> 00:21:38,959
Senator Macrobius
was singing your praises.

457
00:21:38,959 --> 00:21:42,319
Said you had the magic touch.
That's... kind of him?

458
00:21:42,319 --> 00:21:44,640
Hence why I had you sent from Rome.

459
00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:48,640
The doctors they have here are weird
with weird smelly hands.

460
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:52,959
Don't hold back.
Really get in there, nice and deep.

461
00:21:52,959 --> 00:21:55,959
Ah, yes, that's it.
Is it?

462
00:21:55,959 --> 00:21:58,959
I mean... yes, I know it is.

463
00:21:58,959 --> 00:22:01,319
Am I knotty? I imagine I'm knotty.
Extremely knotty.

464
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:05,000
Have you been doing
anything stressful recently?

465
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,959
Yes, I'm the General of the Roman
Army during a military campaign.

466
00:22:07,959 --> 00:22:10,959
And that explains it.
Ah.

467
00:22:10,959 --> 00:22:14,160
You know what? I think you need me
in here with you full time.

468
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:16,959
CLICK
What was that? Was that a click?

469
00:22:16,959 --> 00:22:19,959
Yes, it was.
But it was a good click.

470
00:22:19,959 --> 00:22:22,959
I clicked it on purpose. Well,
it didn't feel like a good click.

471
00:22:22,959 --> 00:22:25,959
Well, which one of us is the expert?
Excuse me, sir.

472
00:22:25,959 --> 00:22:29,800
Sorry to interrupt.
What is it, Corporal? I'm busy.

473
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,959
The masseur has just arrived
from Rome. Yes, I know, evidently.

474
00:22:33,959 --> 00:22:35,319
Ah, no.

475
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:41,959
This is my masseur?
Ergo, this is not my masseur?

476
00:22:41,959 --> 00:22:44,959
Who the fuck are you, please?
Marcus Gallo. Hi.

477
00:22:44,959 --> 00:22:47,959
I'm a legionary in the Second.
I came to request a transfer, but...

478
00:22:47,959 --> 00:22:49,959
You started massaging me?
I did, yes.

479
00:22:49,959 --> 00:22:52,959
It just felt like
the right thing to do.

480
00:22:52,959 --> 00:22:54,959
You clicked my neck, you fool.
Sorry about that.

481
00:22:54,959 --> 00:22:57,640
Even so, I do think I'd be better
in a non-combat role, all the same.

482
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:58,959
Why did you let him in here,
Thaddeus?

483
00:22:58,959 --> 00:23:01,959
I thought... Well, exactly.
You should give me his job.

484
00:23:01,959 --> 00:23:03,959
I would never have let me in here.
No way. Get out!

485
00:23:03,959 --> 00:23:04,959
Yes, sir.
Now!

486
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,959
Oh, you missed a good one today,
Marcus.

487
00:23:17,959 --> 00:23:19,959
Yeah. Gordian taught us
this formation called the tortoise.

488
00:23:19,959 --> 00:23:23,000
Does it involve moving very slowly
and living to a ripe old age?

489
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:24,959
Cos that sounds ideal.

490
00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:30,959
Hey, I know you from somewhere.
Where do I know you from?

491
00:23:30,959 --> 00:23:33,959
No. No, I'm a stranger.

492
00:23:33,959 --> 00:23:35,959
Hey, Virgil, how do I know this guy?

493
00:23:35,959 --> 00:23:38,959
The Crown And Toga, in Rome.
Wouldn't serve you free drinks.

494
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:39,959
Thank you, Grumio

495
00:23:39,959 --> 00:23:41,959
Yes, that's how I know him.

496
00:23:41,959 --> 00:23:43,959
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The shirty barman.

497
00:23:43,959 --> 00:23:47,959
What are you doing here? You weren't
a huge fan of the army, as I recall.

498
00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:50,959
Yes. Well, I needed a new vocation
after my workplace

499
00:23:50,959 --> 00:23:53,800
was mysteriously trashed.
Oh, was it really?

500
00:23:53,800 --> 00:23:55,959
That's a shame. Shame.

501
00:23:55,959 --> 00:23:58,959
Well, the military is no place
for a little puss boy like you.

502
00:23:58,959 --> 00:24:02,640
You'll be cacking your panties
when those barbarians show up.

503
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,959
No, I won't, won't be doing that.

504
00:24:04,959 --> 00:24:07,959
I'll be repelling them, if anything.
Yeah, with the smell of your pants.

505
00:24:07,959 --> 00:24:12,479
No. With my acts of valour.

506
00:24:12,479 --> 00:24:14,959
Because, for your information,
I'm thriving here.

507
00:24:14,959 --> 00:24:18,160
I'm really impressing
and wowing people, actually.

508
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,959
Legionary Gallo, I know you missed
training today and I know why,

509
00:24:21,959 --> 00:24:23,959
you filthy little bitch.

510
00:24:23,959 --> 00:24:26,959
Muster up the unit by the tents
in one hour.

511
00:24:26,959 --> 00:24:28,959
Yes, sir.
One hour, fuck knuckle.

512
00:24:30,959 --> 00:24:34,959
He seemed impressed, didn't he?
Oh, yeah. He was well impressed.

513
00:24:41,479 --> 00:24:43,959
This afternoon,
it was brought to my attention

514
00:24:43,959 --> 00:24:47,959
that a member of our unit
stole into the General's quarters

515
00:24:47,959 --> 00:24:51,959
and assaulted his naked body.
Assaulted's a bit strong.

516
00:24:51,959 --> 00:24:56,959
Accordingly, there will be
a punishment for the entire unit.

517
00:24:56,959 --> 00:24:59,959
So, we shall be doing a dawn patrol.

518
00:24:59,959 --> 00:25:02,959
Paying a friendly visit to some
local villages,

519
00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:04,319
making our presence felt.

520
00:25:04,319 --> 00:25:06,959
I'll make them feel MY presence,
all right.

521
00:25:06,959 --> 00:25:09,319
Well, yeah, ask them to.
Not make 'em.

522
00:25:09,319 --> 00:25:12,959
Grumio, I am promoting you
to Legionary First Class

523
00:25:12,959 --> 00:25:14,160
in recognition of your progress.

524
00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:17,959
You will carry the eagle on patrol.
Can you handle that?

525
00:25:17,959 --> 00:25:20,959
Will it peck me, sir?
It's made of solid gold.

526
00:25:20,959 --> 00:25:22,959
Then I can handle it, sir.
Good.

527
00:25:22,959 --> 00:25:25,959
I suggest we all get some sleep.
We're up at first light.

528
00:25:26,959 --> 00:25:29,959
OK. What are you doing?
What are you on about?

529
00:25:29,959 --> 00:25:34,959
What? Obeying orders? Being... good?
What are you up to?

530
00:25:34,959 --> 00:25:36,959
Nothing. He's my commanding officer.
He outranks me.

531
00:25:36,959 --> 00:25:39,959
So do I. I'm literally your master
and you have never done a thing

532
00:25:39,959 --> 00:25:42,959
I've asked you to,
let alone call me "sir".

533
00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:45,959
Odd that, in't it? Maybe
it's just a question of respect.

534
00:25:45,959 --> 00:25:48,479
If anything,
you should be calling me sir now.

535
00:25:48,479 --> 00:25:49,959
OK. Just remember
who the boss is here.

536
00:25:49,959 --> 00:25:52,959
Probably the lad
with the solid gold eagle.

537
00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:34,959
Hey.

538
00:26:34,959 --> 00:26:38,959

We'll have a little pillage

539
00:26:38,959 --> 00:26:41,959

Let's go and grab some booty

540
00:26:41,959 --> 00:26:46,959

Let's get their permission.

541
00:26:47,959 --> 00:26:50,959
Well, no booty for me, thanks, guys.

542
00:26:50,959 --> 00:26:52,959
I've-I've got a sweetheart
waiting for me back home.

543
00:26:52,959 --> 00:26:55,959
Ah, that's nice.
Yep. I keep a picture in my pocket

544
00:26:55,959 --> 00:26:57,959
so I can see her every day
until we're reunited.

545
00:26:57,959 --> 00:27:00,959
Can you not do that, please?
Marcus is a bit unlucky in love.

546
00:27:00,959 --> 00:27:02,959
It's just, it's making me
a bit uncomfortable.

547
00:27:02,959 --> 00:27:05,959
We're getting married when I'm back.
It just feels like tempting fate.

548
00:27:05,959 --> 00:27:07,959
There will be a big party
and you'll all be invited.

549
00:27:07,959 --> 00:27:10,959
Oh, wicked, cheers! It'll be
the happiest day of my life.

550
00:27:10,959 --> 00:27:12,959
Shut up, please!
Sorry, dude. No offence!

551
00:27:12,959 --> 00:27:15,959
Chill out, dude! He's just
wanging on about his sweetheart.

552
00:27:20,959 --> 00:27:22,959
Sir, there's something in t'trees.

553
00:27:26,959 --> 00:27:30,959
Oh, and by the way, sir,
I absolutely love my new hat. Shh!
573

554
00:27:47,000 --> 00:27:50,800
It's an ambush!

555
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:55,000
Testudo, move up! Testudo!
Testudo!

556
00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:58,640
What? What does that mean?
Tortoise formation!

557
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,959
That was the one I missed!
Just get under your shield!

558
00:28:02,959 --> 00:28:04,959
Fuck, I don't like it.

559
00:28:10,959 --> 00:28:12,640
I don't like it!

560
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:24,959
Oh, my fucking God!

561
00:28:29,959 --> 00:28:31,959
Fuck me!

562
00:28:33,959 --> 00:28:35,959
Get off me!

563
00:28:42,959 --> 00:28:43,959
Let's get out of here!

564
00:28:43,959 --> 00:28:46,640
I don't think that's really allowed,
is it? Who cares?!

565
00:28:48,319 --> 00:28:50,800
OK. Fair enough. Let's go.

566
00:29:09,959 --> 00:29:10,959
Grumio?

567
00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:14,959
The barbarians have definitely
gone home.

568
00:29:14,959 --> 00:29:17,640
Yeah, for now. Go on, then.

569
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,959
Grumio. Grumio, mate.

570
00:29:27,959 --> 00:29:33,640
Oh, sorry! Sorry, mate.
Who are you saying sorry to?

571
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,959
The dead guys.
I keep stepping on them.

572
00:29:35,959 --> 00:29:36,959
Sorry, sir.

573
00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:40,959
Grumio.

574
00:29:42,959 --> 00:29:45,959
Have you found him? No, it's just
someone else with a shit haircut.

575
00:29:46,959 --> 00:29:50,959
Grumio? Grumio, mate.
Grumio.

576
00:29:55,959 --> 00:29:56,959
Marcus!

577
00:29:58,959 --> 00:30:04,640
Oh, Grumio. No. No, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no. Grumio.

578
00:30:04,640 --> 00:30:05,959
Grumio. No.

579
00:30:07,959 --> 00:30:09,640
Grumio, please don't be dead.

580
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,959
Don't be dead, Grumio,
don't be dead!

581
00:30:12,959 --> 00:30:15,160
I'm sorry.

582
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,959
Poor, sweet Grumio.

583
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,959
All right, chill out.
You're not dead?!

584
00:30:24,959 --> 00:30:26,959
No, I'm playing dead,
like I said I would.

585
00:30:26,959 --> 00:30:29,640
Bloody hell, G-man.
Thank fuck for that!

586
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,640
Come on, then.
Get this big bastard off me.

587
00:30:34,959 --> 00:30:37,160
OK. Let's get out of here.

588
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:38,959
I'm not loving the vibe.

589
00:30:41,959 --> 00:30:42,959
Sorry.

590
00:30:47,959 --> 00:30:49,959
You were so still.
I totally thought you was a goner.

591
00:30:49,959 --> 00:30:53,959
I actually fell asleep for a bit.
That barbarian was so cosy.

592
00:30:53,959 --> 00:30:56,959
Yeah, I think Rome's due south,
whichever way that is.

593
00:30:56,959 --> 00:30:59,000
OK, cool. I'm on it.
Rome?

594
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,959
Who cares about Rome?
We're going back to camp.

595
00:31:01,959 --> 00:31:04,959
Are you kidding me? We're not
going back to the army ever again.

596
00:31:04,959 --> 00:31:06,479
We swore an oath.

597
00:31:06,479 --> 00:31:08,959
If we don't go back now,
we're a bunch of shitty deserters.

598
00:31:08,959 --> 00:31:11,959
Yeah. Well, I think I finally found
my ideal role in the army.

599
00:31:11,959 --> 00:31:13,959
You lily-livered bastard.

600
00:31:13,959 --> 00:31:15,959
I'm sorry.
Which one of us played dead?

601
00:31:15,959 --> 00:31:19,959
As Legionary First Class, I order
you to take me back to camp.

602
00:31:19,959 --> 00:31:23,479
And as your master, I laugh
in the face of your orders. Ha!

603
00:31:24,959 --> 00:31:27,959
But it's up to you, Grumio.
You can toddle off back to camp

604
00:31:27,959 --> 00:31:29,160
and die in a horrid battle,

605
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,000
or you can head south
with me and Jason.

606
00:31:31,000 --> 00:31:33,959
Which is this way, by the way.
Is it? Yeah.

607
00:31:33,959 --> 00:31:36,319
How do you know that? Oh, me and
my dad used to go camping, right?

608
00:31:36,319 --> 00:31:38,959
We'd always work out the route
by the sploshing of the rivers,

609
00:31:38,959 --> 00:31:40,959
the squawking of the geese, like...
Oh, yeah.

610
00:31:40,959 --> 00:31:42,959
Over to you, then.

611
00:31:42,959 --> 00:31:44,959
We should get rid of
these uniforms, though,

612
00:31:44,959 --> 00:31:46,959
with all these barbarians
knocking about.

613
00:31:46,959 --> 00:31:47,959
I prefer not to look
like a Roman soldier.

614
00:31:47,959 --> 00:31:49,959
Yeah, good shout. No, me neither.

615
00:31:51,959 --> 00:31:54,959
And nor would General Grumio,
it seems.

616
00:31:59,959 --> 00:32:02,959
'Chase The Devil'
by Max Romeo and The Upsetters

617
00:32:02,959 --> 00:32:09,959

And chase Satan out of Earth

618
00:32:09,959 --> 00:32:12,479


619
00:32:12,479 --> 00:32:15,959

Out of Earth...

620
00:32:19,959 --> 00:32:22,959


621
00:32:22,959 --> 00:32:26,000


622
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:29,800


623
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,959


624
00:32:31,959 --> 00:32:34,959


625
00:32:34,959 --> 00:32:38,640

My lassing hand

626
00:32:38,640 --> 00:32:41,959

I gaan with him hand

627
00:32:41,959 --> 00:32:44,959


628
00:32:44,959 --> 00:32:48,319


629
00:32:48,319 --> 00:32:50,959


630
00:32:50,959 --> 00:32:53,959
They slaughtered every last man in
the unit, sir, and took the eagle.

631
00:32:53,959 --> 00:32:56,479
What? They took the eagle?
That's outrageous.

632
00:32:56,479 --> 00:32:58,640
And slaughtered every last man
in the unit.

633
00:32:58,640 --> 00:33:00,959
Yes, of course, and it's sad.

634
00:33:00,959 --> 00:33:03,959
Excuse me, sir. Sorry to interrupt.
Aurelius Leifer, bugle man.

635
00:33:03,959 --> 00:33:06,959
Just to say, there are three men
I can't find among the dead, sir.

636
00:33:06,959 --> 00:33:10,959
Names? Marcus Gallo, Jason Brindisi
and Grumio Grumio.

637
00:33:10,959 --> 00:33:13,959
You said Gallo? Well, he's
the arsehole that buggered my neck.

638
00:33:13,959 --> 00:33:16,959
It's because of that charlatan
I can no longer turn my head.

639
00:33:16,959 --> 00:33:19,959
Look at this. I have to wheel around
like a bloody weather vane.

640
00:33:19,959 --> 00:33:21,959
He's not in my list of the dead,
sir. Nor are the other two.

641
00:33:21,959 --> 00:33:24,959
And yet they've not reported back.
Ergo, they must be deserters.

642
00:33:24,959 --> 00:33:26,959
Well, that makes total sense, sir.

643
00:33:26,959 --> 00:33:28,959
They already deserted me
as a friend.

644
00:33:28,959 --> 00:33:31,319
Optio? Sir?
Alert the tracker.

645
00:33:31,319 --> 00:33:32,959
If anyone can hunt down
these deserters,

646
00:33:32,959 --> 00:33:35,959
it's that brooding bastard.
Oh, the tracker sounds cool.

647
00:33:35,959 --> 00:33:37,959
Oh, he is... very cool.

648
00:33:37,959 --> 00:33:39,959
Then if I may, sir,
I'd like to go too.

649
00:33:39,959 --> 00:33:42,800
You see, I know these guys
like my own shadow.

650
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:44,959
I've worked with them,
eaten with them, slept with them.

651
00:33:44,959 --> 00:33:47,319
I've slept NEAR them.
I haven't had sex with any of them.

652
00:33:47,319 --> 00:33:49,959
Yes, yes. Very well.
You may accompany him.

653
00:33:49,959 --> 00:33:51,959
Help bring these treacherous shits
to justice.

654
00:33:51,959 --> 00:33:53,479
You can count on me, sir.

655
00:33:53,479 --> 00:33:55,959
They'll get their just deserts
as deserters.

656
00:33:56,959 --> 00:33:59,959
The deserters
will get their deserts, sir.

657
00:34:01,959 --> 00:34:04,959
And let's find whichever barbarian
pig fucker stole the eagle

658
00:34:04,959 --> 00:34:06,959
and raze their village
to the ground.

659
00:34:07,959 --> 00:34:10,959
And our dead soldiers, sir?
Yes, of course.

660
00:34:10,959 --> 00:34:13,959
Give them a dignified funeral.
But do start with the eagle.

661
00:34:20,959 --> 00:34:23,000
Oh, it's chuffing chilly up north,
in't it?

662
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:25,959
Yeah, on reflection, dumping
our uniform wasn't the best idea.

663
00:34:25,959 --> 00:34:28,959
Hold tight, boys. We'll soon feel
the Roman sun on our backs.

664
00:34:28,959 --> 00:34:31,959
In the meantime, we could put on
these uniforms down by this tree.

665
00:34:31,959 --> 00:34:33,959
Those are our uniforms.
Even better, then.

666
00:34:33,959 --> 00:34:36,159
No. Much worse!

667
00:34:36,159 --> 00:34:38,959
It means we've been walking
in a massive circle all day.

668
00:34:38,959 --> 00:34:40,959
But I was following the river
and water always goes south.

669
00:34:40,959 --> 00:34:44,159
Well, it goes down, yeah.
Yeah, exactly. The same thing.

670
00:34:44,159 --> 00:34:47,959
Is down the same as south?
No, it isn't.

671
00:34:47,959 --> 00:34:49,959
Yes. What? Is it? Huh?

672
00:34:49,959 --> 00:34:53,479
Sorry, Jason.
What exactly did your dad teach you

673
00:34:53,479 --> 00:34:54,639
on these camping trips?

674
00:34:54,639 --> 00:34:55,959
Well, I was on his shoulders
most of the time,

675
00:34:55,959 --> 00:34:57,959
so I couldn't always hear
what he was saying

676
00:34:57,959 --> 00:35:00,959
and, to be fair, we mainly camped
in the garden, so...

677
00:35:00,959 --> 00:35:03,800
OK. So, you never got lost
in the garden?

678
00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:04,959
Well, no. That's it. Never.

679
00:35:04,959 --> 00:35:07,959
Right. It feels like it's time
for a lunch break.

680
00:35:07,959 --> 00:35:08,959
Let's go and hunt down some scran.

681
00:35:08,959 --> 00:35:12,320
See, my dad would know
all about that.

682
00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,959
Well, I wish we'd brought him
instead. Yeah, big time.

683
00:35:20,959 --> 00:35:23,959
So tell me, what are they like,
these deserters?

684
00:35:23,959 --> 00:35:25,959
It's good to know
what I'm dealing with.

685
00:35:25,959 --> 00:35:27,959
Oh, they're... they're mean.

686
00:35:27,959 --> 00:35:31,479
Mean? As in tough?

687
00:35:31,479 --> 00:35:33,959
No. Sorry. Mean as in not very nice.

688
00:35:33,959 --> 00:35:37,959
They're rude, basically.
Rude? Huh, now I am scared.

689
00:35:37,959 --> 00:35:41,959
Rude how?
Oh, I mean, where do I start?

690
00:35:41,959 --> 00:35:44,959
So, one of them, Marcus,
I met while working as a waterman

691
00:35:44,959 --> 00:35:47,959
at Rome's third largest
grain supply company.

692
00:35:47,959 --> 00:35:50,959
He and his buddy, Stylax,
were constantly calling me names,

693
00:35:50,959 --> 00:35:53,959
sneaking stuff into my jug.
Undermining me, basically.

694
00:35:53,959 --> 00:35:56,959
Probably payback because
I'd smooched this Breton he fancied.

695
00:35:56,959 --> 00:35:59,639
Not my fault. She couldn't keep
her hands off me. She's only human.

696
00:35:59,639 --> 00:36:01,959
Then, when Stylax got squashed
by a slab of marble,

697
00:36:01,959 --> 00:36:04,320
I thought Marcus would go easy.
But then Jason comes in

698
00:36:04,320 --> 00:36:06,959
and, actually, if anything,
things got even worse.

699
00:36:06,959 --> 00:36:09,959
And Jason is...?
Another deserter. And total scumbag.

700
00:36:09,959 --> 00:36:12,959
No sooner had I met him,
than he's making me hide the corpse

701
00:36:12,959 --> 00:36:14,479
of a well-known restaurant critic.

702
00:36:14,479 --> 00:36:16,959
Then he sabotaged me
in the Rome marathon.

703
00:36:16,959 --> 00:36:18,959
Made me eat my own poo.
Ruined my career as an escort...

704
00:36:18,959 --> 00:36:21,959
Hold on! You ate your own shit?

705
00:36:21,959 --> 00:36:22,959
Yes, because I'd lost a bet,
you see.

706
00:36:22,959 --> 00:36:25,000
But he didn't need to make me
go through with it.

707
00:36:25,000 --> 00:36:27,959
This is what I'm talking about.
They're mean guys.

708
00:36:27,959 --> 00:36:30,959
And don't even get me started
on the little one.

709
00:36:30,959 --> 00:36:32,959
He looks exactly like a mushroom.

710
00:36:32,959 --> 00:36:35,959
He once ate a crab
as though it was a pie.

711
00:36:35,959 --> 00:36:37,959
Just picked it up,
like it was a pie.

712
00:36:37,959 --> 00:36:40,959
Bit it, hurt his tooth.
Of course he did, it's a crab.

713
00:36:48,959 --> 00:36:51,959
Hey, I've found an apple.
Sweet. Give it here, then.

714
00:36:51,959 --> 00:36:53,959
No, no, stop!
We've got to share it, obviously.

715
00:36:53,959 --> 00:36:56,959
Fine. We'll take bites in turns.
No. No, no, Grumio.

716
00:36:56,959 --> 00:36:59,800
You'll eat it all in one.
Yeah, we should slice it up evenly.

717
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:01,959
How? We haven't got a knife?
We've got swords.

718
00:37:01,959 --> 00:37:04,959
Oh, yeah, I forgot about these.

719
00:37:04,959 --> 00:37:06,959
Probably should have used it
in the ambush.

720
00:37:06,959 --> 00:37:08,959
Oh, well, too late now.

721
00:37:08,959 --> 00:37:10,959
Stab, don't swipe.
Don't you start with that.

722
00:37:10,959 --> 00:37:13,959
Barbarians, get down.

723
00:37:15,959 --> 00:37:18,959
OK, everyone quiet and still.

724
00:37:27,959 --> 00:37:28,959
What the fuck, Grumio?

725
00:37:28,959 --> 00:37:33,959
I'm starving. I'll take my chances.
Stop it! It's too crunchy.

726
00:37:33,959 --> 00:37:35,959
Fine. I'll lick it like a lolly.

727
00:37:37,959 --> 00:37:38,959
Don't do that, it's gross.

728
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,800
OK. All right,
I think they're going.

729
00:37:47,959 --> 00:37:50,479
No thanks to this greedy goon.

730
00:37:50,479 --> 00:37:53,639
Oi, look at the size of that bite.
That's well out of order.

731
00:37:53,639 --> 00:37:56,800
Oh, good!
So it's anarchy now, is it?

732
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:57,959
I wondered how long it would take.

733
00:37:59,959 --> 00:38:02,959
He posed as a child
to win a school boxing competition.

734
00:38:02,959 --> 00:38:03,959
He fingered a lion.

735
00:38:03,959 --> 00:38:07,959
He killed, genuinely killed,
a renowned theatre director.

736
00:38:07,959 --> 00:38:10,000
He took a baby from the bins.
Shut the fuck up a second. Whoa.

737
00:38:10,000 --> 00:38:11,959
What, what, what is it?

738
00:38:18,959 --> 00:38:20,959
Apple core.

739
00:38:20,959 --> 00:38:22,959
Only just starting to brown.

740
00:38:22,959 --> 00:38:25,959
They were here not long ago.
What? How do you know it was them?

741
00:38:25,959 --> 00:38:28,000
These are strong Roman tooth marks.

742
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,959
Dentistry's not so good around here.
Wow!

743
00:38:31,959 --> 00:38:34,959
This is cool.
You, sir, are very cool.

744
00:38:34,959 --> 00:38:37,959
And, you know, it is so nice
to hang out with someone

745
00:38:37,959 --> 00:38:38,959
as intelligent as I am.

746
00:38:38,959 --> 00:38:40,959
Honestly, those thicko losers
could be so annoying.

747
00:38:40,959 --> 00:38:44,959
We're not hanging out.
You're just tagging along.

748
00:38:44,959 --> 00:38:46,959
In silence from now on.

749
00:38:46,959 --> 00:38:50,959
If it was up to me,
I'd be working alone, OK?

750
00:38:50,959 --> 00:38:53,000
But I haven't even told you
about the time Marcus's dad

751
00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:56,320
stabbed me in the shoulder. And I'll
stab you in the fucking neck

752
00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,959
if I have to hear another
one of your idiotic stories.

753
00:38:58,959 --> 00:39:00,959
Understand me, beardy boy?

754
00:39:02,959 --> 00:39:04,959
Beardy MAN.

755
00:39:17,959 --> 00:39:21,959
Stupid midges. They don't know
who they're up against.

756
00:39:21,959 --> 00:39:23,959
I've actually decided
not to light a fire,

757
00:39:23,959 --> 00:39:26,479
cos it might alert the enemy
to our location.

758
00:39:26,479 --> 00:39:28,479
And also cos you can't?
And that, yeah.

759
00:39:28,479 --> 00:39:30,800
Oh, God, this is a new low.

760
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,959
This is really not where I thought
I'd be on the brink of turning 30.

761
00:39:33,959 --> 00:39:35,959
Oh, come on, it's not so bad.

762
00:39:35,959 --> 00:39:37,959
If you forget about
the whole war thing

763
00:39:37,959 --> 00:39:39,959
and the fact that
we're totally lost, it's great.

764
00:39:39,959 --> 00:39:42,800
The three of us, bro-ing down,
having a giggle,

765
00:39:42,800 --> 00:39:46,959
surrounded by nature.
I guess it is pretty peaceful here.

766
00:39:46,959 --> 00:39:49,959
Oh! For fuck's sake, Grumio.

767
00:39:49,959 --> 00:39:51,959
You were surrounded by nature.

768
00:39:51,959 --> 00:39:53,959
Well, I'm knackered.
I'm gonna crash.

769
00:39:53,959 --> 00:39:55,959
OK. But we need someone
on guard duty at all times.

770
00:39:55,959 --> 00:39:57,959
We sleep in shifts, OK?

771
00:39:57,959 --> 00:39:59,959
Whatever happens,
one of us has to be awake.

772
00:39:59,959 --> 00:40:01,159
Right you are.
No probs.

773
00:40:18,959 --> 00:40:22,639
Wakey-wakey, dirt bags.
That was your morning bugle.

774
00:40:22,639 --> 00:40:25,959
Look at you three, spooning away.
It's quite sweet, actually.

775
00:40:25,959 --> 00:40:27,959
Aurelius, what are you doing here?

776
00:40:27,959 --> 00:40:29,959
Please say you're not still
following us.

777
00:40:29,959 --> 00:40:32,959
Well, I am, yes.
But officially this time.

778
00:40:32,959 --> 00:40:34,320
I'm a tracker,
and we're the tracking team.

779
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:38,479
No, we're not. We're not a team,
and he's not a tracker in any way.

780
00:40:38,479 --> 00:40:41,959
But I am. And I'm here
to arrest you for desertion.

781
00:40:41,959 --> 00:40:44,959
You're to be taken back to camp
where you'll be crucified.

782
00:40:47,959 --> 00:40:49,479
Best go quietly now.

783
00:40:51,959 --> 00:40:54,959
Morning. Oh, what have I missed?

784
00:41:02,479 --> 00:41:06,959
I can't believe you're
getting us executed, you knob.

785
00:41:06,959 --> 00:41:08,000
I'm not a knob, actually,

786
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:10,800
because I didn't know
that was the punishment.

787
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,000
I thought it would just be
a ticking off or a light flogging.

788
00:41:13,000 --> 00:41:14,959
It still makes you a knob.
Yeah, a complete knob.

789
00:41:14,959 --> 00:41:16,159
Stop whining!

790
00:41:16,159 --> 00:41:17,959
If you don't want to die,
don't desert.

791
00:41:17,959 --> 00:41:19,959
It's as simple as that.
Great advice

792
00:41:19,959 --> 00:41:21,959
We'll bear that in mind
for next time, shall we?

793
00:41:21,959 --> 00:41:22,959
I didn't desert, by the way.

794
00:41:22,959 --> 00:41:24,959
I were forced into it
by my master here.

795
00:41:24,959 --> 00:41:28,959
Ha! OK, so as soon as there's
a price to pay, I'm in charge, am I?

796
00:41:28,959 --> 00:41:29,959
I were basically kidnapped.
Of course.

797
00:41:29,959 --> 00:41:31,959
And are you gonna
mention playing dead?

798
00:41:31,959 --> 00:41:34,800
Didn't force you into that, did I?
I fell asleep.

799
00:41:34,800 --> 00:41:36,959
It's not my fault them
barbarians wear such cosy clobber.

800
00:41:36,959 --> 00:41:42,959
Shut up, or I'm very happy to bring
the execution forward a few hours.

801
00:41:42,959 --> 00:41:45,000
'You Don't Love Me'
by Dawn Penn

802
00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:47,959


803
00:41:49,959 --> 00:41:55,800

And I know now

804
00:42:00,959 --> 00:42:04,959


805
00:42:06,959 --> 00:42:13,800

Yes, I know now.

806
00:42:18,959 --> 00:42:20,959
So, it's grilled badger for lunch.

807
00:42:20,959 --> 00:42:23,639
What? Badger? I'm not eating that.
I'll have his, then.

808
00:42:23,639 --> 00:42:25,959
I'd eat a badger's tadger right now,
I'm so hungry.

809
00:42:25,959 --> 00:42:27,959
You're so weird.

810
00:42:27,959 --> 00:42:29,959
Wait, Aurelius!

811
00:42:29,959 --> 00:42:33,479
Rally. Relio Deal.
I'm not gonna help you escape.

812
00:42:33,479 --> 00:42:37,000
Please. We're gonna die.
We're all gonna die eventually.

813
00:42:37,000 --> 00:42:38,959
Don't be a dick. Just set us free.

814
00:42:38,959 --> 00:42:41,320
No way! I'll get in big troubs.

815
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,959
Not if you come with us.
It'll be an adventure.

816
00:42:43,959 --> 00:42:45,959
The deserter dudes.
Best bros forever!

817
00:42:45,959 --> 00:42:49,479
Hm! We weren't exactly best bros
when I wanted to share your tent,

818
00:42:49,479 --> 00:42:50,959
as I recall.

819
00:42:50,959 --> 00:42:53,479
Well, yeah, but we couldn't
share with you

820
00:42:53,479 --> 00:42:55,000
cos what if we wanted
to bring girls back?

821
00:42:55,000 --> 00:42:56,959
I could have scooched over.
No!

822
00:42:56,959 --> 00:43:00,959
They wouldn't be interested in us
if you were there. Think about it.

823
00:43:00,959 --> 00:43:04,479
But the truth is, it's not easy
being mates with you, dude.

824
00:43:04,479 --> 00:43:07,959
Like, having this buff, brainy
legend around all the time,

825
00:43:07,959 --> 00:43:09,959
making us feel like losers.

826
00:43:09,959 --> 00:43:12,959
You can't blame us for wanting to
step out of your shadow sometimes.

827
00:43:12,959 --> 00:43:14,959
It's cold in there, right, guys?

828
00:43:14,959 --> 00:43:17,959
I mean... Completely.
..sure, whatever.

829
00:43:17,959 --> 00:43:20,959
God, you must think I'm such a fool,

830
00:43:20,959 --> 00:43:23,959
not seeing how insecure
I was making you feel.

831
00:43:23,959 --> 00:43:29,959
Maybe I am buff and brainy, sure,
but I'm also blind and a bad friend.

832
00:43:30,959 --> 00:43:34,959
Well, never again, guys.
You have my word. Best bros forever.

833
00:43:34,959 --> 00:43:37,800
Fuck me, what a bellend.

834
00:43:37,800 --> 00:43:40,159
Oh, can we do this after
we've had the badger?

835
00:43:40,159 --> 00:43:43,639
OK, shit! I think he's on to us.
What's going on over there?

836
00:43:43,639 --> 00:43:45,959
No, no, nothing. All good.

837
00:43:45,959 --> 00:43:46,959
Run!

838
00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:50,639
Shit!

839
00:44:17,959 --> 00:44:19,959
This way.

840
00:44:25,959 --> 00:44:27,639
Argh!

841
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:46,959
Come on!

842
00:45:03,479 --> 00:45:04,959
Argh!

843
00:45:08,959 --> 00:45:10,159
Hey, hey!

844
00:45:20,320 --> 00:45:22,320
Argh! Fucking nettles!

845
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:23,959
Argh!

846
00:45:34,800 --> 00:45:35,959
Argh! Oh!

847
00:45:39,959 --> 00:45:41,800
Shit!

848
00:45:42,959 --> 00:45:45,959
Come on, boys, don't be stupid now.

849
00:45:46,959 --> 00:45:48,959
Let's be stupid.

850
00:45:48,959 --> 00:45:51,959
No! Aaaargh!

851
00:45:54,959 --> 00:45:56,320
No!

852
00:45:56,320 --> 00:45:57,959
Stop!

853
00:45:57,959 --> 00:46:00,959
Aaaaargh!

854
00:46:06,959 --> 00:46:08,639
You won't get away!

855
00:46:08,639 --> 00:46:12,639
Wherever you run, wherever you hide,
no matter how long it takes,

856
00:46:12,639 --> 00:46:14,959
the shadow of justice
will haunt you until...

857
00:46:14,959 --> 00:46:16,959
Oh, fuck it, they've gone.

858
00:46:30,959 --> 00:46:32,959
We lost him!

859
00:46:32,959 --> 00:46:35,959
Ha! We bloody lost him,
the dickhead!

860
00:46:35,959 --> 00:46:37,959
And, weirdly,
I don't appear to be dead.

861
00:46:37,959 --> 00:46:41,159
Bonus!
Ha!

862
00:46:41,159 --> 00:46:45,000
Guys, I actually got hit.
Did you? Where?

863
00:46:46,639 --> 00:46:48,159
Whoa!

864
00:46:48,159 --> 00:46:50,959
What is it? Is it bad?
Not ideal!

865
00:46:50,959 --> 00:46:53,479
You've got an arrow in your arse!
Argh, argh, argh!

866
00:46:53,479 --> 00:46:55,959
Well, pull it out, then!
Oh, God, really?

867
00:46:55,959 --> 00:46:56,959
I mean, OK.

868
00:46:58,959 --> 00:47:01,959
Don't pick your nose, Grumio.
I'm hungry.

869
00:47:01,959 --> 00:47:02,959
Well, that's even worse.

870
00:47:02,959 --> 00:47:04,959
Aurelius,
where's the key to these chains?

871
00:47:04,959 --> 00:47:05,959
Maybe in my man bag,

872
00:47:05,959 --> 00:47:07,959
if it didn't fall out
in the kerfuffle.

873
00:47:09,959 --> 00:47:12,320
All right, here we go.
Brace yourself, yeah?

874
00:47:12,320 --> 00:47:15,000
OK, great. No keys.
But there is a soggy map.

875
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:17,800
Is there?
OK, it's coming!

876
00:47:17,800 --> 00:47:18,959
It's coming!

877
00:47:18,959 --> 00:47:20,800
Ooh!

878
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:22,959
Is it out, then?
Er...

879
00:47:22,959 --> 00:47:25,959
Yeah. Like, most of it.
Most of it? What do you mean?

880
00:47:25,959 --> 00:47:27,959
Argh! Argh!

881
00:47:27,959 --> 00:47:31,159
You just pulled out the shaft
and left the head inside my arse!

882
00:47:31,159 --> 00:47:33,959
Ooh-er. Ha!
It's not funny, actually!

883
00:47:33,959 --> 00:47:35,959
I won't get very far
with a skewered buttock.

884
00:47:35,959 --> 00:47:38,959
Luckily, you might not have to,
cos if this is that river,

885
00:47:38,959 --> 00:47:42,959
then we're only, like,
a day's walk from the Roman border.

886
00:47:42,959 --> 00:47:44,959
Ah, nice!
See, all rivers do lead south.

887
00:47:44,959 --> 00:47:47,959
On this occasion, yes, they do.
Right. Let's crack on.

888
00:47:47,959 --> 00:47:49,959
Ow, ow!
Rome, here we come.

889
00:47:49,959 --> 00:47:54,959
Oh, God! Erm, can we crack on
quite slowly, please?

890
00:47:57,479 --> 00:48:00,959


891
00:48:02,959 --> 00:48:04,959
Ah! Ah!

892
00:48:06,959 --> 00:48:09,639
Ah! Oh!

893
00:48:09,639 --> 00:48:11,959


894
00:48:14,959 --> 00:48:20,320
Oh, Jove, I can't feel my bum.
Could you feel it before?

895
00:48:20,320 --> 00:48:22,959
Erm, not sure, actually.

896
00:48:22,959 --> 00:48:25,959
Stop going on about your numb bum,
you drama queen. You're fine.

897
00:48:25,959 --> 00:48:28,959
Argh! No, no, no. Come on, mate,
we need to keep moving.

898
00:48:28,959 --> 00:48:31,959
I can't do it. I can't go on.
OK, cool.

899
00:48:31,959 --> 00:48:33,959
We'll leave him here,
cos he's dead weight, in't he?

900
00:48:33,959 --> 00:48:35,959
That is not an awful idea, actually.
What? No way!

901
00:48:35,959 --> 00:48:38,959
You can't leave me.
We're a team. The deserter dudes.

902
00:48:38,959 --> 00:48:40,959
Hey, I didn't desert, I fell asleep.

903
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:41,959
Best bros forever, you said.

904
00:48:41,959 --> 00:48:43,959
Yeah, that's when we
needed your help.

905
00:48:43,959 --> 00:48:45,959
A fair amount's changed since then.

906
00:48:45,959 --> 00:48:49,479
You can't leave me here to be
feasted upon by bears and ants!

907
00:48:49,479 --> 00:48:51,959
He's got a point, hasn't he?
Cos we could always eat him.

908
00:48:51,959 --> 00:48:52,959
Do not eat me!

909
00:48:52,959 --> 00:48:54,959
For one thing, I'd be very tough,

910
00:48:54,959 --> 00:48:57,800
sinewy meat owing to my high
muscle-to-fat ratio.

911
00:48:57,800 --> 00:48:59,959
Look, why don't Grumio
and I go for help

912
00:48:59,959 --> 00:49:01,159
while you stay with Aurelius?

913
00:49:01,159 --> 00:49:04,959
Holy Jove,
why have you forsaken me?!

914
00:49:04,959 --> 00:49:08,959
Right. Or I go for help
and you two stay with him.

915
00:49:08,959 --> 00:49:11,000
I'm not staying here with that twat.
What are you talking about?

916
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:13,800
Just coming up with a plan, bro!
OK, right.

917
00:49:13,800 --> 00:49:16,959
Let's do papyrus, scissors, stone,
and the loser has to stay.

918
00:49:16,959 --> 00:49:18,959
You don't need to play,
we come as a two.

919
00:49:18,959 --> 00:49:20,959
I'll play for us, then.
Scissors always wins.

920
00:49:20,959 --> 00:49:22,959
And that fundamental
misunderstanding of the game

921
00:49:22,959 --> 00:49:24,959
is exactly why
I'll be playing for us.

922
00:49:24,959 --> 00:49:26,959
I think I'm dying, guys.

923
00:49:26,959 --> 00:49:29,800
Right, here we go.
Papyrus, scissors, stone.

924
00:49:29,800 --> 00:49:33,959
Scissors! Ha! Bash, bash, bash.
Never listen to Grumio, you moron.

925
00:49:33,959 --> 00:49:37,159
Hang in there, Aurelius.
Jason will look after you. OK.

926
00:49:37,159 --> 00:49:40,959
Jason, will you sing to me,
please, bud?

927
00:49:40,959 --> 00:49:42,959
Don't be long, all right?

928
00:49:42,959 --> 00:49:44,959
Jason?
Yeah, I'm coming.

929
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:05,959
I mean, can humans eat plants?

930
00:50:05,959 --> 00:50:07,959
What? Yeah, of course they can.

931
00:50:07,959 --> 00:50:09,320
Oh, fine then.

932
00:50:09,320 --> 00:50:12,959
Not any, plants.
I meant spinach, for example.

933
00:50:12,959 --> 00:50:13,959
You can't just eat that!

934
00:50:13,959 --> 00:50:16,959
The old nature,
you confusing bastard.

935
00:50:16,959 --> 00:50:18,959
Can we keep going, please,
and not get distracted?

936
00:50:18,959 --> 00:50:21,159
Shit! It's a chicken.

937
00:50:21,159 --> 00:50:23,479
What? Where?
There.

938
00:50:23,479 --> 00:50:24,959
Right, I'm having you, lad.

939
00:50:24,959 --> 00:50:27,959
And then what? We can't cook it.
I'll have it raw, then.

940
00:50:27,959 --> 00:50:29,959
I only joined the army
for the free chicken anyway.

941
00:50:29,959 --> 00:50:31,959
We're meant to be getting help.

942
00:50:31,959 --> 00:50:34,959
Do not come between me and
a chicken, Marcus, I am warning you.

943
00:50:36,959 --> 00:50:38,959
Oh, go on, then. Be quick.

944
00:50:39,959 --> 00:50:43,000
One quick grabaroo
and it is teatime-for-me-time.

945
00:50:44,959 --> 00:50:46,959
Make that two quick grabaroos.

946
00:50:54,959 --> 00:50:56,959
Right. Well, that's at least 30.

947
00:50:56,959 --> 00:50:59,959
Three more grabaroos
and we're giving up, OK?

948
00:50:59,959 --> 00:51:01,959
Fine, just don't rush me.

949
00:51:05,959 --> 00:51:07,959
One.

950
00:51:08,959 --> 00:51:10,959
Two.

951
00:51:10,959 --> 00:51:12,959
Last one, right?

952
00:51:12,959 --> 00:51:14,959
I know. Just shh!

953
00:51:14,959 --> 00:51:18,479
Come on, son. This is the one.

954
00:51:18,479 --> 00:51:19,959
Argh!

955
00:51:19,959 --> 00:51:21,800
Oh, yes!

956
00:51:22,959 --> 00:51:24,959
Ha-ha!
I've got it!

957
00:51:24,959 --> 00:51:25,959
Oh, by Jove, you did it!

958
00:51:25,959 --> 00:51:27,479
Yes! Ha!

959
00:51:27,479 --> 00:51:30,159

I got the chicken

960
00:51:30,159 --> 00:51:32,959

He got the chicken

961
00:51:32,959 --> 00:51:34,959


962
00:51:39,159 --> 00:51:40,959
He got the chicken.

963
00:51:50,639 --> 00:51:53,959


964
00:51:53,959 --> 00:51:56,959


965
00:51:56,959 --> 00:51:59,959


966
00:51:59,959 --> 00:52:01,959


967
00:52:01,959 --> 00:52:03,959
What? No, no,
I don't want the rude version.

968
00:52:03,959 --> 00:52:04,959
I only know the rude version.

969
00:52:04,959 --> 00:52:08,959
That's not exactly gonna soothe me,
is it? Thinking about bestiality.

970
00:52:08,959 --> 00:52:10,000
How's my bum looking?

971
00:52:11,959 --> 00:52:13,800
Ah!

972
00:52:13,800 --> 00:52:16,959
OK, don't panic.
All right, it's probably nothing.

973
00:52:16,959 --> 00:52:18,959
But it's gone a bit green.
Green?!

974
00:52:18,959 --> 00:52:21,959
Yeah. How's that nothing?!
Bums shouldn't be green.

975
00:52:21,959 --> 00:52:23,959
Oh, it must be infected.
What did I say? Don't panic.

976
00:52:23,959 --> 00:52:25,959
The boys will be back in a bit,
all right? Shushy bears.

977
00:52:25,959 --> 00:52:27,959
They won't! They've left us!

978
00:52:27,959 --> 00:52:29,959
We're all alone and green.

979
00:52:29,959 --> 00:52:32,000


980
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:33,959
Kiss me.
Whoa! What?

981
00:52:33,959 --> 00:52:35,959
Please kiss me.

982
00:52:35,959 --> 00:52:37,959
I just want to feel some human
tenderness before I die.

983
00:52:37,959 --> 00:52:40,320
No! Right, and not just
because I don't want to,

984
00:52:40,320 --> 00:52:41,959
but cos you are not gonna die.

985
00:52:41,959 --> 00:52:43,959
Right, no-one dies from green bums.
Of course they do!

986
00:52:43,959 --> 00:52:45,959
Bum rot. I've got bum rot.

987
00:52:45,959 --> 00:52:50,479
Look, tell my family
that they were proud of me.

988
00:52:50,479 --> 00:52:51,959
What?
Actually, no.

989
00:52:51,959 --> 00:52:53,800
Tell them to never
look under my bed.

990
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,959
You tell them yourself
when you get back to Rome, OK?

991
00:52:55,959 --> 00:52:56,959
What's under your bed?

992
00:52:56,959 --> 00:52:59,959
Oh, you're a good bud, buddy,
but it's too late.

993
00:52:59,959 --> 00:53:02,639
I can feel death's
icy grip on my arse.

994
00:53:02,639 --> 00:53:05,959
No. No! No, you don't!

995
00:53:05,959 --> 00:53:09,959
Marcus! Grumio!
Come on. Where are you?!

996
00:53:11,959 --> 00:53:14,959
Right, come on.

997
00:53:14,959 --> 00:53:18,000
Ooh, what are you doing?
Saving your fucking life, boy.

998
00:53:18,000 --> 00:53:19,959
Argh!

999
00:53:32,320 --> 00:53:35,959
Oi, you, Roman scum!

1000
00:53:35,959 --> 00:53:37,000
Jog on, you little shite.

1001
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,959
At least don't make it
worse for ourselves.

1002
00:53:38,959 --> 00:53:40,959
Nah, it's just banter.

1003
00:53:40,959 --> 00:53:43,959
OK, that's fairly intense banter.

1004
00:53:52,959 --> 00:53:54,959
Argh! Just kill me.

1005
00:53:54,959 --> 00:53:56,959
Please, just put me
out of my misery.

1006
00:53:56,959 --> 00:53:59,639
I'd rather not, mate.
I'm not even sure I'd know how to.

1007
00:53:59,639 --> 00:54:01,959
Just push me off of something tall

1008
00:54:01,959 --> 00:54:03,959
or sit on my face
to block my airways.

1009
00:54:03,959 --> 00:54:05,959
Couldn't I just use my hands?

1010
00:54:07,959 --> 00:54:08,959
Yes, you could, actually.

1011
00:54:08,959 --> 00:54:11,320
I don't know why I suggested
the sitting method.

1012
00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:12,959
I think I must be delirious.

1013
00:54:12,959 --> 00:54:14,959
Ooh, argh!

1014
00:54:14,959 --> 00:54:16,959
Urgh!

1015
00:54:16,959 --> 00:54:19,959
I can hear my mother
calling me to dinner.

1016
00:54:19,959 --> 00:54:21,959
I'm coming, Mummy.

1017
00:54:21,959 --> 00:54:24,959
I can smell the wood
burning on the stove.

1018
00:54:24,959 --> 00:54:26,639
Hang on, so can I.

1019
00:54:27,959 --> 00:54:29,959
Look, there!

1020
00:54:29,959 --> 00:54:30,959
Huh?

1021
00:54:36,959 --> 00:54:39,959
Oh, oh! Get in!
Argh! We're saved!

1022
00:54:39,959 --> 00:54:43,800
Well, unless they're Roman-hating
savages who want to kill us.

1023
00:54:43,800 --> 00:54:46,000
Oh, yeah. Oh, I forgot about that.

1024
00:54:46,000 --> 00:54:48,159
OK, you're on your own.

1025
00:54:48,159 --> 00:54:50,959
Argh!
Good luck.

1026
00:54:50,959 --> 00:54:52,800
Argh! You bastard!

1027
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:53,959
Hello?
Argh!

1028
00:54:53,959 --> 00:54:56,959
Man. There is a man.

1029
00:54:56,959 --> 00:54:58,959
He needs help.

1030
00:54:58,959 --> 00:55:00,320
Ursula, fetch water.

1031
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:02,959
Cleo, Amara, Xanthe,
help me take him inside.

1032
00:55:05,959 --> 00:55:07,959
Hi. Sorry,
there's actually two men.

1033
00:55:07,959 --> 00:55:09,959
I also need help.

1034
00:55:09,959 --> 00:55:12,479
Ha. Hi.

1035
00:55:16,959 --> 00:55:18,959
Hey! Come off it!

1036
00:55:19,959 --> 00:55:23,800
So, first of all, hello.

1037
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:25,959
Or, as you might say, salve.

1038
00:55:25,959 --> 00:55:26,959
All right.
Hello.

1039
00:55:26,959 --> 00:55:28,959
My name is Segimundus.

1040
00:55:28,959 --> 00:55:32,959
I am spokesman
of the Carpi Council of Elders

1041
00:55:32,959 --> 00:55:35,959
and I presume from your uniforms
and proximity to our gates

1042
00:55:35,959 --> 00:55:40,959
that you are Roman spies sent out to
rescue your precious bird, no doubt.

1043
00:55:40,959 --> 00:55:42,320
My eagle!

1044
00:55:42,320 --> 00:55:43,959
Give me back me eagle at once!

1045
00:55:43,959 --> 00:55:45,959
And my chicken an' all,
while you're at it.

1046
00:55:45,959 --> 00:55:48,320
Grumio, don't. We couldn't
care less about the eagle.

1047
00:55:48,320 --> 00:55:50,479
We're not even Roman soldiers,
really.

1048
00:55:50,479 --> 00:55:51,959
No, so what is this, then?

1049
00:55:51,959 --> 00:55:53,959
Are you on your way
to a fancy dress party, perhaps?

1050
00:55:55,959 --> 00:55:56,959
Ha! No, no.

1051
00:55:56,959 --> 00:55:59,959
We were soldiers, obviously,
but we're not now, is my point.

1052
00:55:59,959 --> 00:56:01,959
We deserted, you see.
I didn't. I fell asleep.

1053
00:56:01,959 --> 00:56:04,959
Yeah, just let me do the talking.
We didn't want to join this war.

1054
00:56:04,959 --> 00:56:07,320
I did, to give your lot a spanking
for invading our empire.

1055
00:56:07,320 --> 00:56:08,479
Grumio, just shut up!

1056
00:56:08,479 --> 00:56:10,959
There was no invasion.
That was fake news.

1057
00:56:10,959 --> 00:56:12,959
A pretext for you
to steal our bauxite.

1058
00:56:12,959 --> 00:56:15,320
Bauxite? What the fuck is bauxite?

1059
00:56:15,320 --> 00:56:17,959
I think it's a naturally occurring,
I want to say, metal?

1060
00:56:17,959 --> 00:56:20,959
It is a sedimentary rock
with high aluminium content.

1061
00:56:20,959 --> 00:56:23,959
We have a number of large
and very valuable quarries

1062
00:56:23,959 --> 00:56:26,959
that you people have lusted
after for some time now.

1063
00:56:26,959 --> 00:56:28,959
That does make sense.
I always thought there was

1064
00:56:28,959 --> 00:56:30,959
some shady mercenary motive
behind all this.

1065
00:56:30,959 --> 00:56:33,639
Romans are far sneakier
than barbarians, in my opinion.

1066
00:56:33,639 --> 00:56:37,000
Ahem! Tut, tut, tut, tut, tut.
We do not like the term "barbarian".

1067
00:56:37,000 --> 00:56:40,959
It's a reductive label
which homogenises an array

1068
00:56:40,959 --> 00:56:43,959
of diverse communities
and their unique identities.

1069
00:56:43,959 --> 00:56:46,800
We call ourselves the Carpi tribe.

1070
00:56:46,800 --> 00:56:48,159
Yes, of course. I'm so sorry.

1071
00:56:48,159 --> 00:56:49,959
I'm so sorry for being
so insensitive.

1072
00:56:49,959 --> 00:56:52,800
Not at all. No, think of this
as a teachable moment.

1073
00:56:52,800 --> 00:56:55,639
I will. Cross-cultural exchange
is fundamental to progress.

1074
00:56:55,639 --> 00:56:57,959
We don't learn anything
if we live in a bubble. Indeed.

1075
00:56:57,959 --> 00:57:00,959
And so that we can share this
knowledge with our countrymen,

1076
00:57:00,959 --> 00:57:03,959
we'd love to be on our way.
Yes, I'm sure you would.

1077
00:57:03,959 --> 00:57:07,959
But there's also one little thing
you should learn about the Carpi.

1078
00:57:07,959 --> 00:57:09,959
It's what we do to our captives.

1079
00:57:09,959 --> 00:57:12,959
Oh, aye, yeah. What do you do?
Do you take them for a tour?

1080
00:57:12,959 --> 00:57:16,639
No, we disembowel them in honour
of our great god Zalmoxis.

1081
00:57:16,639 --> 00:57:17,959
Oh, shit.
Right.

1082
00:57:17,959 --> 00:57:19,959
The ceremony will take
place tomorrow evening

1083
00:57:19,959 --> 00:57:21,959
before the entire village.

1084
00:57:28,959 --> 00:57:30,959
Apparently, the arrow went very deep

1085
00:57:30,959 --> 00:57:32,959
because his bottom
is so soft and womanly.

1086
00:57:32,959 --> 00:57:36,639
Yeah, totally. Not like mine.
My buns are rock hard.

1087
00:57:36,639 --> 00:57:38,959
Arrow would have just pinged off,
probably.

1088
00:57:38,959 --> 00:57:41,959
He may stay until he recovers.
Cool.

1089
00:57:41,959 --> 00:57:43,959
All right. And what about...?
You may not. Yep.

1090
00:57:43,959 --> 00:57:46,959
Aside from emergencies,
there are no men in the village.

1091
00:57:46,959 --> 00:57:49,959
Oh, really? I didn't...
I didn't even notice that.

1092
00:57:49,959 --> 00:57:51,159
What's that about, then?

1093
00:57:51,159 --> 00:57:54,159
Our menfolk all left to fight
another tribe some years ago

1094
00:57:54,159 --> 00:57:56,000
and never returned.

1095
00:57:56,000 --> 00:57:59,959
No! That's... so sad.

1096
00:57:59,959 --> 00:58:03,479
HE GROANS
It was sad, but we adapted.

1097
00:58:03,479 --> 00:58:07,159
We trade spices with our neighbours.
We are skilled in combat.

1098
00:58:07,159 --> 00:58:10,959
We no longer need men.
Come on!

1099
00:58:10,959 --> 00:58:13,479
I'm sure you need a bloke
sometimes to, like, you know,

1100
00:58:13,479 --> 00:58:15,959
open a jar or, like,
get something from a higher shelf,

1101
00:58:15,959 --> 00:58:16,959
you know, like a jar,

1102
00:58:16,959 --> 00:58:18,959
or to put the shelf up
to put the jars on.

1103
00:58:18,959 --> 00:58:22,959
Amazingly, we handle all
jar-related tasks ourselves.

1104
00:58:22,959 --> 00:58:24,959
OK.

1105
00:58:24,959 --> 00:58:27,959
I guess it's another night
in the forest for me, then.

1106
00:58:27,959 --> 00:58:29,959
I hope the wolves
have had their tea.

1107
00:58:32,959 --> 00:58:35,959
We do have one other use for men.

1108
00:58:35,959 --> 00:58:36,959
Oh?

1109
00:58:36,959 --> 00:58:42,959
Occasionally,
we may keep one as a... concubine.

1110
00:58:42,959 --> 00:58:45,959
A what? Concubine?
What's that, like a hedgehog?

1111
00:58:45,959 --> 00:58:47,959
Not quite, no.

1112
00:58:49,959 --> 00:58:51,959
Ah! Ah!

1113
00:58:54,959 --> 00:58:57,159
I'm Jason, by the way.
Silence!

1114
00:58:57,159 --> 00:58:58,800
You have no name now.

1115
00:58:58,800 --> 00:59:00,959
You are here for sexual congress,
Roman, that's all!

1116
00:59:00,959 --> 00:59:03,000
OK, cool. I can do that.

1117
00:59:04,959 --> 00:59:07,959
Oh, that's better. Thank you.

1118
00:59:07,959 --> 00:59:09,959
Now tie them to the post, please,
Dromichaetes.

1119
00:59:09,959 --> 00:59:12,959
OK, great.
Just to be safe.

1120
00:59:12,959 --> 00:59:15,159
So that you don't... sneak off.

1121
00:59:15,159 --> 00:59:17,959
How is that? Not too tight, I hope.

1122
00:59:17,959 --> 00:59:20,959
No, no. You're grand.
It's a nice, soft rope, actually.

1123
00:59:20,959 --> 00:59:21,959
Yes, it's made from angora wool.

1124
00:59:21,959 --> 00:59:25,959
We Carpi are famous for our
civilised treatment of prisoners.

1125
00:59:25,959 --> 00:59:28,000
Yeah. You are disembowelling us.

1126
00:59:28,000 --> 00:59:29,959
Yes, before execution, I mean.

1127
00:59:29,959 --> 00:59:31,959
Yes, it's enshrined
in our constitution

1128
00:59:31,959 --> 00:59:33,959
that we offer our captives

1129
00:59:33,959 --> 00:59:36,959
a final meal of their choosing,
for example.

1130
00:59:36,959 --> 00:59:38,959
Oh, aye? How many courses?

1131
00:59:38,959 --> 00:59:41,959
One.
One? Call yourselves civilised?

1132
00:59:41,959 --> 00:59:44,959
May I take your order? Well, it
doesn't really matter, does it?

1133
00:59:44,959 --> 00:59:47,959
I'm not gonna get to digest it.
Just... give me an egg sandwich.

1134
00:59:47,959 --> 00:59:50,000
Is that on white, brown or seeded?

1135
00:59:50,000 --> 00:59:52,159
Brown's fine.

1136
00:59:53,159 --> 00:59:55,959
I'll take a lobster bisque.
Of course you will.

1137
00:59:55,959 --> 00:59:57,959
I'm going out in style, son.
Very well.

1138
00:59:57,959 --> 01:00:02,320
One egg sandwich on brown
and one lobster... bisque.

1139
01:00:04,959 --> 01:00:07,159
I'll speak to the chef,
and you prepare the altar.

1140
01:00:07,159 --> 01:00:12,000
Egg sandwich on brown bread
for your final meal?

1141
01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,959
When they open up them bowels,

1142
01:00:13,959 --> 01:00:15,959
they should be seeing
more than some shitty sandwich.

1143
01:00:15,959 --> 01:00:19,479
Unlike you, Grumio, I've got more
on my mind than just food right now.

1144
01:00:19,479 --> 01:00:21,000
In fact,
it was you chasing that chicken

1145
01:00:21,000 --> 01:00:23,959
that got us in this fucking mess.
You didn't have to come with me.

1146
01:00:23,959 --> 01:00:26,959
We were chained together!
You dragged me along,

1147
01:00:26,959 --> 01:00:29,159
which pretty much sums up
our entire relationship.

1148
01:00:29,159 --> 01:00:31,479
I know. You've been
holding me back for years.

1149
01:00:31,479 --> 01:00:33,959
What? Holding you back?!
It's not about you, Grumio.

1150
01:00:33,959 --> 01:00:36,000
You're MY slave.
Don't remind me!

1151
01:00:36,000 --> 01:00:38,320
I wish I weren't.
I'd have ditched you yonks ago.

1152
01:00:38,320 --> 01:00:41,800
And I wish my parents had left you
on that bloody hillside. Yeah?

1153
01:00:41,800 --> 01:00:42,959
You and me both!

1154
01:00:45,959 --> 01:00:47,959
Ordinarily,
I would storm off at this point,

1155
01:00:47,959 --> 01:00:50,959
but being as I can't,
I am going to sit down.

1156
01:00:59,959 --> 01:01:00,959
Aw...

1157
01:01:00,959 --> 01:01:02,959
Yeah! Roman scum!
1195

1158
01:01:15,959 --> 01:01:17,959
Hi.
Hi.

1159
01:01:20,959 --> 01:01:22,959
Hi.

1160
01:01:24,479 --> 01:01:26,959
Hi!

1161
01:01:30,959 --> 01:01:32,959
Mm. Thank you.

1162
01:01:32,959 --> 01:01:34,959
Knock, knock.
How's the patient doing?

1163
01:01:34,959 --> 01:01:36,000
Much better, thank you.

1164
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:39,320
Really? Are you sure?
You still look well peaky.

1165
01:01:39,320 --> 01:01:40,959
What?
No, I'm ready and raring, mate.

1166
01:01:40,959 --> 01:01:43,320
Nah, look, listen. You rest up
just a few more days, right?

1167
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:44,959
Don't wanna risk
getting another green bum.

1168
01:01:44,959 --> 01:01:48,959
But we need to go and find Marcus
and Grumio. Our best bros, forever.

1169
01:01:48,959 --> 01:01:52,959
Mm, do we, though? I mean, they're
probably fine. They're handy guys.

1170
01:01:52,959 --> 01:01:55,959
You just don't wanna leave cos
we've found a tribe full of women.

1171
01:01:55,959 --> 01:01:58,320
But I...

1172
01:01:58,320 --> 01:01:59,959
Well, yes. Yeah.
Obviously.

1173
01:01:59,959 --> 01:02:02,959
But this is, like,
our dream situation.

1174
01:02:02,959 --> 01:02:04,959
Not really. None of them fancy me.
Oh, come on...

1175
01:02:04,959 --> 01:02:07,159
One of 'em will. A bit. Maybe.

1176
01:02:07,159 --> 01:02:08,959
There's, like, 50 of them.

1177
01:02:08,959 --> 01:02:10,000
That's not enough.

1178
01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:12,959
The odds are still
stacked against me. I need more.

1179
01:02:12,959 --> 01:02:14,959
What about the old one?
I've not met an old one.

1180
01:02:14,959 --> 01:02:16,959
That's cos
you've been cooped up in here.

1181
01:02:16,959 --> 01:02:18,320
You need to get out there,
make an effort.

1182
01:02:18,320 --> 01:02:19,959
You are the second hottest guy
in this village.

1183
01:02:19,959 --> 01:02:21,959
Work it.

1184
01:02:28,959 --> 01:02:30,959
Hello again.

1185
01:02:30,959 --> 01:02:34,959
So, I talked to the chef,
and, er, he can't get you lobster,

1186
01:02:34,959 --> 01:02:35,959
because it's Sunday,

1187
01:02:35,959 --> 01:02:39,959
and as we are in the heat of July,
he likes the seafood to be fresh.

1188
01:02:39,959 --> 01:02:41,959
As do I. I'm happy to wait.

1189
01:02:41,959 --> 01:02:43,959
Yes, but we are not, I'm afraid.

1190
01:02:43,959 --> 01:02:46,959
The sacrifice is this evening, so
you have to choose something else.

1191
01:02:46,959 --> 01:02:48,959
I've already chosen the bisque.

1192
01:02:48,959 --> 01:02:50,959
The chef does
an excellent confit duck.

1193
01:02:50,959 --> 01:02:52,959
Oh, I don't give a shit, mate.

1194
01:02:52,959 --> 01:02:55,959
My lobster bisque is enshrined
in your constitution, you said.

1195
01:02:55,959 --> 01:02:58,000
Or are you Carpi
not civilised after all?

1196
01:02:59,800 --> 01:03:01,959
Er, which Sunday in July is it,
out of interest?

1197
01:03:01,959 --> 01:03:03,959
It is the 21st. Why do you ask?

1198
01:03:03,959 --> 01:03:06,959
My birthday's the 22nd.
Ah. I'm, er...

1199
01:03:06,959 --> 01:03:08,159
gonna be 30 tomorrow.

1200
01:03:08,159 --> 01:03:09,959
Oh, many happy returns.
Thanks.

1201
01:03:09,959 --> 01:03:11,479
But I'm afraid you won't.

1202
01:03:11,479 --> 01:03:13,959
The chef has no problem
with your egg sandwich,

1203
01:03:13,959 --> 01:03:16,800
and you will still be sacrificed
this evening.

1204
01:03:16,800 --> 01:03:18,800
Come on, mate.
He'll have the bisque as well.

1205
01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:22,639
He's changed his mind, haven't you?
Yes, I have. Thank you.

1206
01:03:22,639 --> 01:03:25,959
On reflection, I'd also
like to go out in style.

1207
01:03:26,959 --> 01:03:28,959
Fine!

1208
01:03:28,959 --> 01:03:30,639
You have one more day.

1209
01:03:31,959 --> 01:03:36,800
Ha! Bloody hell,
I can't believe that worked.

1210
01:03:36,800 --> 01:03:38,959
Cheers, Grumio. I guess your
lifelong obsession with food

1211
01:03:38,959 --> 01:03:39,959
does have its uses after all.

1212
01:03:39,959 --> 01:03:42,959
Well, let's just try
and give you a birthday to remember.

1213
01:03:42,959 --> 01:03:44,639
Oh, incoming!
Hm? Argh!

1214
01:03:44,639 --> 01:03:46,959
Ha-ha! Missed me!

1215
01:03:46,959 --> 01:03:47,959
In your face, fuckhead.

1216
01:03:47,959 --> 01:03:50,959
You barbarian bastards!
Ha-ha!

1217
01:03:50,959 --> 01:03:52,959
Ha-ha!

1218
01:03:59,959 --> 01:04:01,959
Um...

1219
01:04:01,959 --> 01:04:05,959
Now that I've, er,
performed my duty, my lady,

1220
01:04:05,959 --> 01:04:09,800
do you want me to F off, as per,
or...?

1221
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:10,959
No.
No?

1222
01:04:10,959 --> 01:04:13,959
You can stay this time, Jason.

1223
01:04:13,959 --> 01:04:15,800
I wish to hold you for a while.

1224
01:04:15,800 --> 01:04:18,959
What, like a cuddle?
No, nothing like a cuddle. Just...

1225
01:04:18,959 --> 01:04:20,959
a hold.
Oh, OK.

1226
01:04:20,959 --> 01:04:22,959
Got it.

1227
01:04:22,959 --> 01:04:24,959
Did you just call me Jason?
Yeah, I did. What of it?

1228
01:04:25,959 --> 01:04:29,159
You may call me Barbronelda,
if you wish.

1229
01:04:29,159 --> 01:04:31,959
OK, sure. Yeah.

1230
01:04:31,959 --> 01:04:33,959
Barbro...
It's a bit of a mouthful, innit?

1231
01:04:33,959 --> 01:04:36,320
It's beautiful, don't get me wrong,
but...

1232
01:04:36,320 --> 01:04:40,479
what if I shortened it to Barbie?
Or Babs?

1233
01:04:40,479 --> 01:04:41,959
No, not Barbie.
Mm.

1234
01:04:43,479 --> 01:04:45,959
But I don't hate Babs.

1235
01:04:45,959 --> 01:04:47,959
Give us a cuddle, then, Babs.

1236
01:04:47,959 --> 01:04:50,800
Hm!

1237
01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:52,320
Ahem.

1238
01:04:52,320 --> 01:04:54,959
Back in your corner, Roman!

1239
01:04:54,959 --> 01:04:55,959
Yes, boss.

1240
01:04:55,959 --> 01:04:59,959
News, my lady,
which may concern your concubine.

1241
01:04:59,959 --> 01:05:02,959
Whilst selling pepper to the Carpi,
we saw two Roman prisoners.

1242
01:05:03,959 --> 01:05:05,959
They're being prepared
for sacrifice.

1243
01:05:05,959 --> 01:05:07,959
What did they look like?

1244
01:05:07,959 --> 01:05:10,800
One had a big nose,

1245
01:05:10,800 --> 01:05:14,159
and the other resembled
a tiny button mushroom.

1246
01:05:20,800 --> 01:05:22,959
I actually play the bugle
and the lute,

1247
01:05:22,959 --> 01:05:25,959
so I'm highly skilled
with my fingers and my tongue,

1248
01:05:25,959 --> 01:05:27,959
if you know what I'm saying.

1249
01:05:27,959 --> 01:05:28,959
Aurelius!
You do?

1250
01:05:28,959 --> 01:05:31,959
I love the feathers, by the way...
Aurelius!

1251
01:05:31,959 --> 01:05:33,959
Come here.
Sorry, one second, babe. What?

1252
01:05:33,959 --> 01:05:35,959
Marcus and Grumio
have been taken prisoner.

1253
01:05:35,959 --> 01:05:37,159
Like, we need to bust a move.

1254
01:05:37,159 --> 01:05:39,959
I mean, do we, though?
What?

1255
01:05:39,959 --> 01:05:40,959
Well, they're handy guys.
And, you know,

1256
01:05:40,959 --> 01:05:43,320
you were right, actually.
My bum's still not 100%,

1257
01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:44,959
so I should probably just stay here.

1258
01:05:44,959 --> 01:05:47,959
Oh, you're getting some heat
off the old dear, are you?

1259
01:05:47,959 --> 01:05:50,959
Her name's Zena, and yes, I am.
Major heat.

1260
01:05:50,959 --> 01:05:51,959
I can't leave now.

1261
01:05:51,959 --> 01:05:54,959
But, mate, they'll be gutted, right?
And I don't just mean disappointed.

1262
01:05:54,959 --> 01:05:56,959
I mean, actually gutted.
Like, in the guts.

1263
01:05:56,959 --> 01:05:59,639
Come on, Aurelius, they need us.

1264
01:05:59,639 --> 01:06:01,959
Grr! Cock-blocking, again!

1265
01:06:02,959 --> 01:06:04,959
Fine. She'd only have humped me
and dumped me.

1266
01:06:04,959 --> 01:06:07,959
Yeah, definitely.
Right, come on, let's get tooled up.

1267
01:06:35,800 --> 01:06:36,959
Oh, mate, the beard's got to go.

1268
01:06:36,959 --> 01:06:39,159
No can do, bro.
It's the source of my strength.

1269
01:06:39,159 --> 01:06:40,639
Our secret weapon.

1270
01:06:40,639 --> 01:06:42,959
All right. Well, in that case,
keep it a secret,

1271
01:06:42,959 --> 01:06:44,479
all right?
All right.

1272
01:06:45,959 --> 01:06:46,959
Good luck, Roman.

1273
01:06:46,959 --> 01:06:48,959
Oh, thank you.

1274
01:06:48,959 --> 01:06:52,959
And, like, thanks for having me.
In every sense.

1275
01:06:53,959 --> 01:06:55,959
I'll miss you, Babs.

1276
01:06:55,959 --> 01:06:57,959
As will I.

1277
01:06:57,959 --> 01:07:02,959
Your enthusiasm for the work
was... admirable.

1278
01:07:02,959 --> 01:07:04,959
Well, look, it was my pleasure.

1279
01:07:04,959 --> 01:07:07,959
It was the best job I've ever had,
honestly.

1280
01:07:14,959 --> 01:07:16,000
Take care, now.

1281
01:07:16,000 --> 01:07:17,959
OK, yeah.

1282
01:07:19,959 --> 01:07:20,959
Bye, then.

1283
01:07:34,479 --> 01:07:38,959

Happy birthday to you

1284
01:07:38,959 --> 01:07:42,159


1285
01:07:42,159 --> 01:07:43,959

Indeed.

1286
01:07:43,959 --> 01:07:45,959
Happy birthday to you,

1287
01:07:45,959 --> 01:07:49,959
and also,
happy death day to you both.

1288
01:07:49,959 --> 01:07:51,479
Ah, ah, ah -

1289
01:07:51,479 --> 01:07:52,959
hang on, mate.

1290
01:07:52,959 --> 01:07:55,959
Where's the tarragon? You can't
have a bisque without tarragon.

1291
01:07:55,959 --> 01:07:58,479
That is savage. He is right.
You'll have to kill us tomorrow.

1292
01:07:58,479 --> 01:08:03,959
No! No tarragon, no more stalling.
You eat, then you die.

1293
01:08:06,159 --> 01:08:07,959
Oh, oh...

1294
01:08:07,959 --> 01:08:11,959
tarragon or not,
this chef has played a blinder. Mmm!

1295
01:08:14,320 --> 01:08:15,959
We should probably eat a bit slower,
though.

1296
01:08:15,959 --> 01:08:18,640
The sooner we finish,
the sooner we die, remember?

1297
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,959
I'll try, Marcus,
but it's so bloody tasty.

1298
01:08:26,959 --> 01:08:30,160
You know, even though
we are being executed later,

1299
01:08:30,160 --> 01:08:31,959
I've had way worse birthdays
than this.

1300
01:08:31,959 --> 01:08:35,160
Tell me about it. Remember when your
parents got you that creepy clown?

1301
01:08:35,160 --> 01:08:37,959
How could I not?
I sat on his lap for three hours.

1302
01:08:37,959 --> 01:08:39,959
GRUMIO LAUGHS

1303
01:08:39,959 --> 01:08:41,959
Grumio, please slow down.

1304
01:08:41,959 --> 01:08:44,959
Oh, fuck me, this is torture!

1305
01:08:56,959 --> 01:08:58,160
Stop!

1306
01:09:03,959 --> 01:09:06,959
Hi. Hi.
Can we come in, please?

1307
01:09:08,959 --> 01:09:10,160
What's in the cart?

1308
01:09:10,160 --> 01:09:13,799
Oh, just a bit of pepper, handsome.

1309
01:09:13,799 --> 01:09:16,959
We could all use some spice
in our lives, eh?

1310
01:09:23,959 --> 01:09:26,640
OK, you can go in.

1311
01:09:26,640 --> 01:09:29,959
Where the fuck did that come from?
I don't know. I have no idea.

1312
01:09:40,160 --> 01:09:42,959
Wh-Whoa, hang on.
You can't just leave it like that.

1313
01:09:42,959 --> 01:09:44,959
That's terrible parking.
Mate, we're women.

1314
01:09:44,959 --> 01:09:46,959
Think about it.
Oh, yes. Clever.

1315
01:09:46,959 --> 01:09:49,319
I mean, deeply sexist, but still...

1316
01:09:49,319 --> 01:09:52,640
OK, right, we'll have a nosy round,
find out where they're holding them,

1317
01:09:52,640 --> 01:09:55,959
and then we'll come back
for the blades.

1318
01:09:55,959 --> 01:09:57,799
Stop!

1319
01:09:59,799 --> 01:10:00,959
I want to buy some pepper.

1320
01:10:00,959 --> 01:10:03,959
Oh! Yeah, course.

1321
01:10:03,959 --> 01:10:06,319
Yeah, so, how much for one sack,
please?

1322
01:10:06,319 --> 01:10:08,959
Erm, well,
how much do you usually pay?

1323
01:10:08,959 --> 01:10:11,959
Oh, sometimes six gulden.
You know, sometimes seven.

1324
01:10:11,959 --> 01:10:13,959
Six gulden is fine.
Ah, great.

1325
01:10:13,959 --> 01:10:17,319
Oh... Can you girls break a 20?

1326
01:10:17,319 --> 01:10:19,959
Er, I'll tell you what,
you can have it for free.

1327
01:10:19,959 --> 01:10:21,959
We're doing a little promotion.
No, really? Yes.

1328
01:10:21,959 --> 01:10:24,000
Thank you. Generous and beautiful.

1329
01:10:24,000 --> 01:10:25,959
What next?
Stop it!

1330
01:10:25,959 --> 01:10:28,959
Charmer. Oh, no, no, no.
Come here, I'll help.

1331
01:10:28,959 --> 01:10:30,959
I can't... No, I can't have a lady
hauling a heavy sack for me.

1332
01:10:30,959 --> 01:10:32,959
It's fine. You're quite old.

1333
01:10:32,959 --> 01:10:34,959
No, no. Really, I insist.
Mate, let go!

1334
01:10:38,959 --> 01:10:40,959
Why is your cart full of swords?

1335
01:10:41,959 --> 01:10:43,959
Oh! Guards!

1336
01:10:43,959 --> 01:10:45,959
Guards!
Aurelius, we're on!

1337
01:10:45,959 --> 01:10:48,959
Ah... Hang on a sec,
I need to sneeze...

1338
01:10:48,959 --> 01:10:52,959
Ah, forget it.

1339
01:10:52,959 --> 01:10:55,959
Hey, mate, have you got any bread
to mop up the dregs?

1340
01:10:55,959 --> 01:10:59,000
No. Your meal is over
and you will now be sacrificed,

1341
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:00,959
along with these two.

1342
01:11:00,959 --> 01:11:02,640
Oh, God, really?
All right, boys?

1343
01:11:02,640 --> 01:11:05,959
All right, Jase? It's not so bad.
You get to choose your last meal.

1344
01:11:05,959 --> 01:11:08,959
No, no. That rule was removed
from our constitution.

1345
01:11:08,959 --> 01:11:10,959
It was, sadly, open to abuse.

1346
01:11:15,959 --> 01:11:18,479
What are you doing here?
And like that?

1347
01:11:18,479 --> 01:11:21,640
Well, we came to save you,
didn't we? Ah, wicked. Cheers!

1348
01:11:21,640 --> 01:11:22,959
Yes. I mean, we failed, obviously.

1349
01:11:22,959 --> 01:11:24,959
Well, it's the thought that counts,
in't it?

1350
01:11:24,959 --> 01:11:26,959
Hey, it's his 30th birthday,
by the way.

1351
01:11:26,959 --> 01:11:28,959
Oh, sweet! Well, happy birthday.

1352
01:11:28,959 --> 01:11:30,959
Yeah, cheers.
Glad you could make it.

1353
01:11:30,959 --> 01:11:33,959

Happy birthday to you

1354
01:11:33,959 --> 01:11:35,959


1355
01:11:59,959 --> 01:12:02,959
All right! He did it!

1356
01:12:02,959 --> 01:12:05,959
Mighty Zalmoxis,

1357
01:12:05,959 --> 01:12:08,959
we humbly offer you
this sacrifice today.

1358
01:12:08,959 --> 01:12:11,799
Yeah!

1359
01:12:11,799 --> 01:12:13,959
Which of you would like to go first?

1360
01:12:13,959 --> 01:12:14,959
Oh, bloody hell.

1361
01:12:14,959 --> 01:12:16,959
I don't much fancy
seeing your lot's innards,

1362
01:12:16,959 --> 01:12:18,959
but I don't wanna cop it first,
neither.

1363
01:12:18,959 --> 01:12:20,959
Yeah, sort of lose-lose, really,
innit?

1364
01:12:20,959 --> 01:12:22,959
I'll do it. I'll go first.
I'm the oldest.

1365
01:12:22,959 --> 01:12:25,959
You're not, actually. I am. I'm 39.

1366
01:12:25,959 --> 01:12:26,959
What? You're 39?
Are you?!

1367
01:12:26,959 --> 01:12:29,959
Yeah. Why you hanging round with us,
then, you creepy old nonce?

1368
01:12:29,959 --> 01:12:31,959
I didn't realise
you were a fucking adult.

1369
01:12:31,959 --> 01:12:33,959
Yeah, because I look late 20s, max.
Thank you very much.

1370
01:12:33,959 --> 01:12:35,319
Compliment taken.
Come on.

1371
01:12:35,319 --> 01:12:38,959
It does not matter who goes first.
You are all going to die.

1372
01:12:38,959 --> 01:12:40,959
Shit! OK, er...

1373
01:12:40,959 --> 01:12:44,959
I guess, bye, then.
See you in the afterlife, ideally.

1374
01:12:44,959 --> 01:12:48,959
And with this heretic Roman's
entrails...

1375
01:12:50,959 --> 01:12:52,959
..we honour thee!

1376
01:12:57,319 --> 01:12:58,959
Babs?!
Who?

1377
01:13:00,959 --> 01:13:02,959
We are under attack!

1378
01:13:04,640 --> 01:13:06,000
Argh!

1379
01:13:06,000 --> 01:13:07,959
Men to arms!

1380
01:13:10,959 --> 01:13:12,959
Argh!

1381
01:13:12,959 --> 01:13:14,959
BELL RINGING

1382
01:13:19,959 --> 01:13:21,959
Here y'are!

1383
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:25,959
What...?
Oh, her name's Barbronelda.

1384
01:13:25,959 --> 01:13:28,319
Yeah, we've been hooking up
the last couple of days.

1385
01:13:28,319 --> 01:13:30,959
Sorry, so while we were held
prisoner, you've been busy humping?

1386
01:13:30,959 --> 01:13:33,160
Yeah, well, I was a prisoner too.
But just, like, a sex one.

1387
01:13:33,160 --> 01:13:34,959
Course you were.
Nice one, son!

1388
01:13:34,959 --> 01:13:37,959
I know! This whole time, I thought
I wanted to get some booty,

1389
01:13:37,959 --> 01:13:39,959
when actually,
I wanna be the booty.

1390
01:13:39,959 --> 01:13:41,959
Wow. How profound

1391
01:13:41,959 --> 01:13:44,640
Guys, can we discuss this later,
please?

1392
01:13:44,640 --> 01:13:45,959
Kill the Romans!

1393
01:13:45,959 --> 01:13:48,799
Kill them!
Oh, shit!

1394
01:13:49,959 --> 01:13:52,799
Argh!

1395
01:13:52,799 --> 01:13:53,959
Oh, shit!

1396
01:13:53,959 --> 01:13:55,959
Fucking war!

1397
01:14:07,959 --> 01:14:09,959
Babs!
Jason!

1398
01:14:09,959 --> 01:14:10,959
Thanks for coming to save me.

1399
01:14:10,959 --> 01:14:15,959
If anyone's gonna disembowel
my concubine, it's going to be me.

1400
01:14:15,959 --> 01:14:17,959
Stay at my rear.
Always.

1401
01:14:26,959 --> 01:14:28,959
Thank you. Don't mind if I do.

1402
01:14:36,000 --> 01:14:37,959
Argh!

1403
01:14:37,959 --> 01:14:39,000
Yes, Aurelius!

1404
01:14:39,000 --> 01:14:40,959
Ow! No, ow!

1405
01:14:41,959 --> 01:14:43,959
Argh!

1406
01:14:43,959 --> 01:14:46,959
Grumio, what are you doing?!

1407
01:14:46,959 --> 01:14:48,959
Don't stop now!
I want my bloody eagle. Why?!

1408
01:14:48,959 --> 01:14:51,959
It's just a lump of metal. Yeah,
that them bastards nicked off me.

1409
01:14:51,959 --> 01:14:53,959
I'll 'ave it back
with a quick grabaroo.

1410
01:14:53,959 --> 01:14:54,959
No. No more grabaroos!

1411
01:14:54,959 --> 01:14:57,160
Hey, you do you, soft lad.
I'm going in.

1412
01:14:57,160 --> 01:14:58,959
What? Please, Grumio!

1413
01:14:58,959 --> 01:15:01,959
It's not worth it!
Just obey me, for once in your life!

1414
01:15:03,959 --> 01:15:08,959
Well, I'm going, Grumio.
I'll see you outside, OK?

1415
01:15:08,959 --> 01:15:10,959
Come on, let's get out of here.
What?

1416
01:15:13,959 --> 01:15:16,959
Stop! Hand that over at once.

1417
01:15:16,959 --> 01:15:19,959
Get to fuck, mate.
That eagle is a beacon of hope

1418
01:15:19,959 --> 01:15:22,959
for all of us who refuse
to bow down to Roman oppression.

1419
01:15:22,959 --> 01:15:24,640
It's mine, is what it is.

1420
01:15:24,640 --> 01:15:25,959
YELLING

1421
01:15:28,959 --> 01:15:30,479
Fuck.

1422
01:15:30,479 --> 01:15:32,160
Get back, or I'll bloody beat you!

1423
01:15:34,959 --> 01:15:37,000
Oh, my nose!

1424
01:16:01,479 --> 01:16:02,959
What...?

1425
01:16:02,959 --> 01:16:03,959
Stab, don't swipe!

1426
01:16:03,959 --> 01:16:05,959
Oh, yeah.

1427
01:16:05,959 --> 01:16:09,959
Argh!

1428
01:16:23,799 --> 01:16:24,959
Can we go now?

1429
01:16:24,959 --> 01:16:26,959
Yes, please.

1430
01:16:41,959 --> 01:16:45,160
Oh, not the bisque.

1431
01:16:45,160 --> 01:16:47,959
What a waste.
Argh!

1432
01:16:47,959 --> 01:16:49,959
I can't believe it's happened again.

1433
01:16:49,959 --> 01:16:51,959
I know. It's like you're trying
to get shot in the arse.

1434
01:16:51,959 --> 01:16:53,959
I've got three holes back there now.

1435
01:16:53,959 --> 01:16:55,959
You could pick me up
like a bowling ball.

1436
01:16:55,959 --> 01:16:57,319
Well, d'you want me to yank it out?

1437
01:16:57,319 --> 01:16:59,959
No, no!
Can you ask her to do it, please?

1438
01:16:59,959 --> 01:17:02,959
I don't want another
green bum situation, thank you.

1439
01:17:03,959 --> 01:17:07,959
So, now you're no longer
honouring the mighty Zalmoxis

1440
01:17:07,959 --> 01:17:09,959
with your entrails,
what are your plans for the day?

1441
01:17:09,959 --> 01:17:13,479
Er... I guess we need
to get back to Rome.

1442
01:17:13,479 --> 01:17:16,479
But despite popular wisdom,
very few roads seem to lead there.

1443
01:17:16,479 --> 01:17:18,959
Ow, God, that stings!

1444
01:17:18,959 --> 01:17:19,959
Don't be a baby.

1445
01:17:19,959 --> 01:17:23,160
You know, your evil empire is
stationed about half a day that way.

1446
01:17:23,160 --> 01:17:25,959
Hitch a ride with them.
Yeah, that's the thing.

1447
01:17:25,959 --> 01:17:29,959
We're not exactly that popular
with our evil empire.

1448
01:17:29,959 --> 01:17:31,799
Yet.

1449
01:17:54,959 --> 01:17:56,959
Found the eagle. No big deal, lads.

1450
01:17:56,959 --> 01:17:58,799
Just bringing it home to Rome.

1451
01:17:59,959 --> 01:18:01,959
Well done, boys.

1452
01:18:04,959 --> 01:18:07,959
Let us through, fellas.
Respect the eagle, please.

1453
01:18:07,959 --> 01:18:10,000
You? YOU found the eagle?

1454
01:18:10,000 --> 01:18:13,959
Yeah. Ah... You can buy me a drink
later to say thanks.

1455
01:18:13,959 --> 01:18:15,959
Yeah! Well done, boys!

1456
01:18:21,959 --> 01:18:23,959
Jove be praised.

1457
01:18:23,959 --> 01:18:26,000
Where on earth was it?
The Carpi tribe had taken it, sir.

1458
01:18:26,000 --> 01:18:28,959
Just say barbarians. I can't keep up
with all the weird names.

1459
01:18:28,959 --> 01:18:31,319
We snuck in, we duffed 'em up
and we grabbed our big bird there.

1460
01:18:31,319 --> 01:18:34,319
Marvellous. Well, jolly good work.
I'm absolutely thrilled about this.

1461
01:18:34,319 --> 01:18:35,959
You're welcome.
Yes.

1462
01:18:35,959 --> 01:18:36,959
You shall now be executed.

1463
01:18:36,959 --> 01:18:38,959
Not again!
What?!

1464
01:18:38,959 --> 01:18:41,160
You're deserters.
Ergo, you must be crucified.

1465
01:18:41,160 --> 01:18:42,959
I mean, I guess
that beats disembowelment.

1466
01:18:42,959 --> 01:18:45,959
Barely. Come on,
we got the bastard eagle back.

1467
01:18:45,959 --> 01:18:47,959
Yeah, you should be giving us
a medal, if anything.

1468
01:18:47,959 --> 01:18:49,959
Also, I'm not sure I've forgiven you

1469
01:18:49,959 --> 01:18:51,959
for clicking my neck.
Oh, look, mate...

1470
01:18:51,959 --> 01:18:53,959
"Mate"?
General, sir.

1471
01:18:53,959 --> 01:18:54,959
We know that there was no invasion

1472
01:18:54,959 --> 01:18:58,959
and this war was waged entirely
to get hold of more bauxite.

1473
01:18:58,959 --> 01:19:00,959
Did you know about that?
About the bauxite?

1474
01:19:00,959 --> 01:19:02,640
Yes, of course.
Did you?

1475
01:19:02,640 --> 01:19:04,959
Well,
maybe the Roman people should too.

1476
01:19:04,959 --> 01:19:06,959
Oh, the plebs in Rome
don't care why wars are waged,

1477
01:19:06,959 --> 01:19:09,000
as long as we win them
and bring home some funny animals.

1478
01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:12,479
That is true. So let's erect the
crucifixes and get this over with.

1479
01:19:12,479 --> 01:19:14,160
Oh, sorry, sir, I meant to say.

1480
01:19:14,160 --> 01:19:17,959
The crosses have all been dismantled
and packed onto the wagons.

1481
01:19:17,959 --> 01:19:20,959
All right, fine. You're free to go.
But I'm discharging the lot of you

1482
01:19:20,959 --> 01:19:21,959
the minute we arrive in Rome,

1483
01:19:21,959 --> 01:19:24,640
and you must promise never
to set foot in the army again.

1484
01:19:24,640 --> 01:19:25,959
Yeah, deal.
Yeah.

1485
01:19:25,959 --> 01:19:28,959
Hang on.
Were there not four deserters?

1486
01:19:28,959 --> 01:19:30,959
There were, sir.
Ergo, one is missing.

1487
01:19:30,959 --> 01:19:32,959
Yes, sir.

1488
01:19:32,959 --> 01:19:36,959
Jason Brindisi.
He died liberating the eagle.

1489
01:19:36,959 --> 01:19:40,959
Oh. Well, that's one less
mouth to feed on our journey home.

1490
01:19:40,959 --> 01:19:43,959
But also very sad.

1491
01:19:48,959 --> 01:19:52,160
Hiya. Yep.

1492
01:19:52,160 --> 01:19:53,959
Hello.

1493
01:19:56,959 --> 01:19:58,959
We had a good war, on balance.

1494
01:19:58,959 --> 01:20:01,959
Well, it was terrifying and horrible

1495
01:20:01,959 --> 01:20:04,959
and waged purely to further
the economic interest of the state,

1496
01:20:04,959 --> 01:20:06,640
but, yeah, you know, we didn't die.

1497
01:20:06,640 --> 01:20:07,959
Like I say, on balance.

1498
01:20:07,959 --> 01:20:09,959
Salve, Grumio.

1499
01:20:09,959 --> 01:20:11,959
All right, Landlord?

1500
01:20:11,959 --> 01:20:14,959
Hey, hey, hey, now we're veterans,
we'll probs get our old flat back.

1501
01:20:14,959 --> 01:20:18,959
Bagsy Jason's old room,
if that's cool with you guys?

1502
01:20:19,959 --> 01:20:21,959
Yeah, all right. You're in.

1503
01:20:21,959 --> 01:20:23,319
Yes! I'm in!

1504
01:20:23,319 --> 01:20:25,959
I'm finally in!

1505
01:20:25,959 --> 01:20:26,959
Whoo!

1506
01:20:28,640 --> 01:20:30,959
Yeah, so sorry to keep you again.

1507
01:20:30,959 --> 01:20:33,959
Believe it or not, we got caught
in another military parade.

1508
01:20:33,959 --> 01:20:35,160
You're over three months late.

1509
01:20:35,160 --> 01:20:36,959
And in a military campaign.
Yeah.

1510
01:20:36,959 --> 01:20:38,319
Right. OK.

1511
01:20:38,319 --> 01:20:41,959
Well, in the interim,
your slave licence has been approved

1512
01:20:41,959 --> 01:20:42,959
and is now ready to sign.

1513
01:20:42,959 --> 01:20:44,959
Go on, then.

1514
01:20:45,959 --> 01:20:47,959
Do you have a manumission form,
in fact?

1515
01:20:47,959 --> 01:20:50,959
Why?
Do you want that one instead now?

1516
01:20:50,959 --> 01:20:51,959
I do, yeah.

1517
01:20:51,959 --> 01:20:53,959
Thanks.

1518
01:20:55,799 --> 01:20:57,959
What's this green one, then?
It's manumission.

1519
01:20:57,959 --> 01:20:59,959
As in, freedom.

1520
01:21:01,479 --> 01:21:02,959
You are no longer a slave.

1521
01:21:02,959 --> 01:21:04,959
You what?

1522
01:21:04,959 --> 01:21:07,959
Are you yanking my chain?
You're freeing me?

1523
01:21:07,959 --> 01:21:09,959
Yeah.

1524
01:21:09,959 --> 01:21:13,959
Well, all this licence business
is such a bloody faff, isn't it?

1525
01:21:15,959 --> 01:21:18,160
And also, when that barbarian
was about to cut you in half

1526
01:21:18,160 --> 01:21:20,959
and I was home free,

1527
01:21:20,959 --> 01:21:22,959
I wasn't coming back for my slave,
I was..

1528
01:21:24,959 --> 01:21:26,959
..coming back for my brother.

1529
01:21:29,799 --> 01:21:33,959
My selfish, lazy,
greedy scrotum of a brother.

1530
01:21:46,959 --> 01:21:50,959
There is a queue, you realise?
Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

1531
01:21:52,959 --> 01:21:53,959
Now you are a free man,

1532
01:21:53,959 --> 01:21:55,959
you can obviously fuck off
and never see me again.

1533
01:21:55,959 --> 01:21:57,959
Mm-hm. I mean,
it's nice to have the option,

1534
01:21:57,959 --> 01:22:00,959
but I reckon
I'll stick around for a bit.

1535
01:22:00,959 --> 01:22:03,959
So... What shall we do now, then?

1536
01:22:03,959 --> 01:22:05,959
Well, now that I'm 30,

1537
01:22:05,959 --> 01:22:07,959
I should probably
focus on settling down,

1538
01:22:07,959 --> 01:22:10,959
starting a career, get a mortgage,
that sort of thing.

1539
01:22:10,959 --> 01:22:14,000
Right, cos I were gonna suggest
getting some free chicken.

1540
01:22:14,000 --> 01:22:16,959
Yeah, that's much better.
All right. Come on.

1541
01:22:16,959 --> 01:22:20,959

Now the rain is gone...

1542
01:22:20,959 --> 01:22:23,959
..great big numbers, like,
massive, massive chickens. Oh, yeah?

1543
01:22:23,959 --> 01:22:24,959
Erm, Greece, it was.

1544
01:22:24,959 --> 01:22:28,479
And there were all these different
condiments...

1545
01:22:28,479 --> 01:22:31,959

In my way...

1546
01:22:31,959 --> 01:22:34,640
Spicy, spicy. Get me so excited...

1547
01:22:34,640 --> 01:22:39,959

That had me blind

1548
01:22:39,959 --> 01:22:42,959

Bright

1549
01:22:42,959 --> 01:22:46,959

Sunshiny day

1550
01:22:49,959 --> 01:22:55,959

Now the pain is gone

1551
01:22:57,959 --> 01:23:03,319

Have disappeared

1552
01:23:05,160 --> 01:23:08,479

I've been praying for...

1553
01:23:08,479 --> 01:23:11,959
Yes!

1554
01:23:11,959 --> 01:23:13,959

Bright

1555
01:23:13,959 --> 01:23:17,959

Sunshiny day

1556
01:23:20,799 --> 01:23:26,959

There's nothing but blue skies

1557
01:23:26,959 --> 01:23:33,000

There's nothing but blue skies

1558
01:23:39,959 --> 01:23:45,959

Now the rain is gone

1559
01:23:46,959 --> 01:23:52,000


1560
01:23:54,959 --> 01:24:00,959

That had me blind

1561
01:24:00,959 --> 01:24:03,959

Bright

1562
01:24:03,959 --> 01:24:07,479

Sunshiny day.