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We're here in Denver. I have what I'm
hoping is altitude sickness and not

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like, weird form of meningitis. They
keep telling me it's not meningitis, but

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they don't know.

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We've got an amazing crowd out front.
All the tickets are gone. This is great.

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All fans.

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People who are coming to my show should
expect a healthy dose of very honest,

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hilarious, aggressive comedy.

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There's a special called Breathing Hot.
The set is breathing hot. There's a big

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old explosion in the background.

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Palm trees and snow, and then there's a
surprise at the end.

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Michael Blanche. When I first started
traveling, I decided to get her so I'd

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have someone to be with me on the road.

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And fans like her.

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Come here!

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Okay, thank you. We have to go make an
hour special.

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
Eliza Schlesinger!

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as my favorite city to do comedy in for
this special. Thank you.

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That was going to be a lot colder.

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Really did.

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I always feel like weather is something
that you can use to ingratiate yourself

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toward other girls.

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Guys have sports when they meet each
other. It doesn't matter. Sub, bro, sub.

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You see that? 30 for 30? Fucking murder,
dude. Yeah.

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With girls, it's not fashion. It's not
anything else. It's the weather. It's

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like, oh my God, it was so hot.

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Like earlier.

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And then the other girl's like, it was
so hot. I noticed that, I feel.

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It was, I love it when it's hot, but not
too hot. Do you know what I'm talking

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about? I do. No, I know what you're
saying. Like, I totally get it, but not

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hot. But I also like it when it's cold.
Me too, but not too cold. No, because if

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it's too cold, then it's like, brr.

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I can talk about weather.

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The weird thing for being a girl is even
if you live in cold weather, no matter

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how much you're used to dealing with
cold weather, girls always have an issue

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with deciding what outer layer we should
wear.

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We always defer to the guy.

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Like, babe.

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Do a jacket.

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Jacket. A short one.

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A long one.

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You're not looking? Okay.

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Best to do a jacket.

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Are we going?

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Should I do a jacket?

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Should I do it? Should I do a jacket?

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Will you just pause Halo for like two
seconds for me?

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Jacket. Should I do it? Should I do a
jacket?

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Should I just do like four scarves and
no pants?

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Seems counterintuitive.

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No jacket?

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Jacket. Jacket? Jacket. Finally,
Borman's like, yeah, bring a fucking

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And you're like, I don't want to bring a
jacket.

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Why not?

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Then I have to carry it.

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Girls hate the idea of carrying a
jacket. It's too heavy. The female body

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capable of carrying a human being for
nine months. But apparently a

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jacket stuffed with feathers is where we
draw the line.

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You bring a jacket.

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In your 20s, you never bring a jacket
slash never brought a jacket. Some of

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are in your 20s. So remember like
yesterday.

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You're 20 you never brought a jacket
right because you're invincible like a

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little stupid boy You're like I don't
need one and that's why it's so funny

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those that are over 30 for those of us
to like watch 20 -year -olds at like 2 a

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.m. Like breathing the cold Shivering

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Doing this shit with their dresses like
pulling it down all those shoes cracking

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under the pressure

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Because you always rationalize it.
You're like, it's not that far from the

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to the bar. In your 20s, you want to
risk that icy walk for the glory of not

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having to wear a jacket. You have no
problem with that two -minute walk. Not

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every girl makes it. I've lost many a
hot amber to that walk.

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You're walking, you're like, where's
amber? Amber's frozen. Like, go!

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Order a lemon drop and toast to my
memory.

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It's the worst when you're cold.

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You can't find your car. If you're with
a group of girls, you have to resign

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yourself to the fact that you're
probably not going to find your car.

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There's something, even if you're a
brilliant woman, there's something in

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genetic makeup of women that disables us
from remembering where the car is

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parked.

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It's very rare that a woman parks the
car and is like, boop, okay, I'm in spot

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4F, let me remember that, let me be
responsible for my choices in this life.

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Something disengages and takes over and
we're just like, boop, what's this?

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And then we just, like, wake up in a
Sephora.

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Always bring at least one guy. There's
something in a male makeup that men can

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always find the car.

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They throw down breadcrumbs Hansel and
Gretel style.

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Maybe it's pride. Maybe they got a
tracking device in their junk. I don't

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Like, ping, ping, ping.

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He may not even find your car. He will
find you a car.

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And you'll get it.

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Guys, I'll tell you a secret. We don't
want to look for the car. It's boring.

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If I do a scan and I don't see it, I'll
be like, someone stole it. That's always

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the go -to.

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Sometimes we'll act like we're stressed
even if we're not.

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That's our go -to. Women have been told
that they're feeble -minded for so many

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years. Once in a while we'll play into
it to our advantage.

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I don't know where the car is, okay? I'm
sorry that we're here for a bit. I

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don't know where the car is.

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I don't even know. I don't know where
the car is, okay? I'm trying, okay?

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I'm stressed out.

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working like 10 hours a week. And I'm
like, there's the car. Thank you,

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We found it.

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Like your jacket.

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Girls always refer to the guy when it
comes to weather questions. Every girl's

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done this, where you wake up in the
morning, first thing in the morning,

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Next to your husband, your boyfriend,
whatever Dairy Queen manager Tinder has

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set you up with.

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8 a .m., first thing out of your mouth,
you're like, babe.

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Is it cold outside?

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And your boyfriend like wants to be
there for you. He's like, I don't know

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I'm inside.

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It's chilly.

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Chilly. Girls hate being cold. We hate
it.

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Girls don't like to be chilly. Guys,
don't let your date get cold.

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We're not happy when we're cold.

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Oh, she's cold. Come here, babe. You're
getting cold. Come here. I want to warm

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you up. Don't fucking touch me. Not what
I want.

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Not what I want. Girls don't want to
have sex when they're cold. I'm cold. I

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want to be miserable. In my life, I've
never been like, oh my God, I'm so cold.

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I just wish I had somebody to fuck.

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Like it doesn't work that way.

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We don't get horny when we get cold.

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When girls get cold, it sends a message
to our brain. You're cold. Time to go

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home. Time to hibernate. Time to watch a
show on TLC about a 600 pound woman

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eating herself to death. That's what we
want to do.

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Cold.

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Don't let your day get cold. We're not
happy when we're cold. You'll notice the

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body language for I'm cold and I'm
fucking pissed at you It's the same body

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language Girls don't like being cold,
but we love cold weather.

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That's girl logic for you Like
everything's a contradiction wrapped in

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just like it's pretty glitter The same
thought process that's like I'm gonna

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wear tight pants, but don't you look at
my butt like it's that thing

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so cold i'm sweating and it's freezing
hot in here i don't know i don't know

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i feel all girls love fall i don't know
if you know that all girls are required

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to love fall yeah required when you
apply when we applied to be girls went

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to the girl counter and they hold your
girl card up and they go what's your

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favorite season and you go it's fall
motherfucker and they're like all right

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here's your girl card here's your uggs
here's your glitter go have fun be

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insecure

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Girls love fall so much. I've been
planning this fall since July of like

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years ago. We fucking get into fall. You
don't even have to tell girls when it's

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fall. We know.

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We sense it.

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We get into it. The second it turns
fall, the second a leaf falls somewhere

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like Connecticut, we feel it.

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Sitting at home watching TV outside, the
temperature drops from like 86 to 63.

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We pop out of the ground like gophers.
We sense that fall is here.

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Watching TV, fall comes. We're just
like.

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Did you feel that? I did. It was a
breeze. Fuck yeah. Cinnamon, nutmeg,

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Pumpkin everything.

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Pumpkin.

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Eat the pumpkin.

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Let's plant fall shit.

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You over your boyfriend. You drag your
boyfriend by the teeth. Let's go. We're

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doing fall shit. We're going apple
picking. Babe, there's no apple orchards

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Los Angeles. Fine. I'm going to the
grocery store. I'm going to throw apples

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children. Something.

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We go on Pinterest, we start pinning
fall ideas.

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Leaves, that's a fun thing we like to
fuck with. Every year the leaves change

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color and we lose our shit.

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Every year.

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Did you see the leaves on my eyes?

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Last week they were green and now
they're brown.

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They're not brown. They're fucking dead,
you sicko. They're fucking dead. And

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you're doing crafts with their corpses.
You have no respect for nature?

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We talk about it. What are you going to
do with your dead leaves? I'm going to

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make a pile on the front lawn so the
kids can play in the death. What are you

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going to do?

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With your dead leaves, I'm going to make
a wreath on the front door as a warning

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to other dead leaves not to fuck with
me.

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Did you just eat a leaf? I did.

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Pin, pin, pin. We love Pinterest.

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All girls love Pinterest.

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Girls?

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Yes.

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Pinterest. Porn for white women. We love
it.

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We love planning things on Pinterest. A
lot of girls plan their weddings on

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Pinterest. One of my girlfriends got
married on Valentine's Day.

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And joking, I was like, oh my God,
that's so fun. What was your theme?

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Dead serious. She was like, we did like
love, but like under the stars.

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Under the sea.

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I was like, okay, it's a wedding, not a
prom.

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I'll tell you what, Denver, if and when
I get married, I'm going to get married

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00:11:04,870 --> 00:11:09,050
the day after Valentine's Day, and my
theme is going to be 75 % off chocolate.

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Right?

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00:11:11,590 --> 00:11:12,590
Yeah!

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00:11:12,910 --> 00:11:14,270
Because it's my day!

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00:11:16,670 --> 00:11:20,370
Guys, any of you that are engaged, just
know that your fiance has already

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planned your entire wedding on
Pinterest, okay?

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00:11:22,490 --> 00:11:25,850
She's planned your wedding, future
vacations, your fucking funeral, man.

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00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:26,850
Pinterest.

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00:11:27,280 --> 00:11:30,300
And we don't do it when you're looking.
No, because if you saw how creepy we got

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with Pinterest, you wouldn't have us.

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We do it under the cloak of night. We
wait.

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00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:38,560
We get a pumpkin spice latte and we go
in.

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00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,200
And we log on to Pinterest. Gentlemen,
just so you know, Pinterest for girls is

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00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,440
like Call of Duty for guys. I got a
fucking headset on.

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00:11:46,780 --> 00:11:48,640
Talking shit to 14 -year -olds in
Michigan.

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00:11:50,260 --> 00:11:53,020
First person pinning pictures of
Channing Tatum. Like, hey, come on.

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00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:54,220
Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin.

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00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:58,060
We get into it. You get these like
creative downward spirals and just like

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00:11:58,060 --> 00:12:00,740
pinning pinning. Am I looking at porn?
Pin, pin, pin, pin, pin. I'm not even

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00:12:00,740 --> 00:12:04,340
sure at this point. Natural water birth.
Why am I pinning that? Pin, pin, pin,

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00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:04,939
pin, pin.

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00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:07,940
Looking outside six hours, seven hours,
24 hours later.

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00:12:08,180 --> 00:12:09,400
You open the mini blinds.

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00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:10,680
It's sunny outside.

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00:12:10,940 --> 00:12:14,160
Keep pinning for the glory. Ben, come in
here. I want to show you what I'm

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00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,580
pinning for my wedding, our wedding.

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00:12:16,590 --> 00:12:19,870
Come in here. I want to show you. I have
all these fun ideas. I think we should

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00:12:19,870 --> 00:12:23,430
do a chocolate waterfall, but instead of
chocolate, we should do bridesmaids

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00:12:23,430 --> 00:12:24,550
tears. I think it's fair.

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00:12:25,450 --> 00:12:26,450
It's only fair.

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00:12:26,570 --> 00:12:29,570
I want to show this to you. Pink, pink.
Come in here. Brian, Ryan. Give the shit

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00:12:29,570 --> 00:12:32,570
what your name is. I'm getting married.
I want to show this to you. I like this.

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00:12:32,610 --> 00:12:35,490
Do you like the pink napkins or the red
napkins? I think there's a difference.

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00:12:35,790 --> 00:12:36,810
I think there's a difference.

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00:12:38,470 --> 00:12:39,470
Stress.

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00:12:47,340 --> 00:12:50,520
theme should be, okay? You know what the
theme should be? That your mom's a

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00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:52,280
bitch. That's what the theme should be.

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00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:58,940
But I want to do it anyway because I
love you so much and it's going to be

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00:12:58,940 --> 00:13:01,220
amazing. I'm going to do it, man.

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00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:02,520
It's going to be awesome.

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00:13:02,980 --> 00:13:06,760
All these ideas. We should do a swan.
No. We should do a dove. No. We should

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00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,540
a swan made of doves. Babe, will you
Google human centipede but for doves and

225
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:11,540
see if we can...

226
00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:15,550
sew them together ATM style. Yes, I know
what ATM is. I've seen your porn. I

227
00:13:15,550 --> 00:13:16,229
love you anyway.

228
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:20,170
I'm getting married before my sister.

229
00:13:20,410 --> 00:13:23,330
I want to show this to you. And I, what?
Yes, I'm wearing a diaper. I'm not

230
00:13:23,330 --> 00:13:26,630
getting up. I want to show this. It's
going to be amazing. And I, babe, babe.

231
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:03,700
trying to get another girl to admit that
she's hungry between two girls it's

232
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:08,620
like a standoff you can't admit you're
hungry that's admitting weakness it's

233
00:14:08,620 --> 00:14:15,180
admitting defeat are you hungry me
neither so

234
00:14:15,180 --> 00:14:20,060
are you hungry nope i ate last week so

235
00:14:24,330 --> 00:14:27,130
I could do this all day. I'm chewing on
my tongue. It feels good enough. That's

236
00:14:27,130 --> 00:14:28,069
fine.

237
00:14:28,070 --> 00:14:31,170
Eventually one, usually the smaller one
will concede. I'll, if you're, I'll go

238
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:32,170
with you.

239
00:14:32,550 --> 00:14:34,010
If you're hungry, I'll go with you.

240
00:14:35,870 --> 00:14:36,870
I'll go with you.

241
00:14:39,610 --> 00:14:41,710
Subtext, I'll watch you get fat. I'll go
with you.

242
00:14:43,490 --> 00:14:44,449
I'll have a bite.

243
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,650
Whatever you get, I'll have a bite.

244
00:14:47,230 --> 00:14:48,950
I'm easy. I eat everything except for
nothing.

245
00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:53,450
I eat nothing except for everything.
I'll go with you. I don't understand

246
00:14:53,450 --> 00:14:55,730
I'm saying either. I'll go with you.
I'll have a bite. I'm so fucking hungry.

247
00:14:55,790 --> 00:14:56,850
Please, let's go have a bite.

248
00:14:58,110 --> 00:15:00,030
A bite, have a bite. Do you want to get
tapas?

249
00:15:01,130 --> 00:15:02,730
One girl always throws tapas out there.

250
00:15:03,310 --> 00:15:04,510
Do you want to do tapas?

251
00:15:05,110 --> 00:15:06,490
What are they? They're small plates.

252
00:15:07,370 --> 00:15:09,930
You do like five to ten per person. It
runs you about a hundred bucks each.

253
00:15:09,990 --> 00:15:10,990
Totally worth it, yeah.

254
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,830
Girls love anything as long as it's
small, not filling, and expensive. We

255
00:15:15,830 --> 00:15:16,990
eat diamonds if we could.

256
00:15:18,510 --> 00:15:19,990
They're tapas. They're small plates.

257
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:21,219
It's Spanish.

258
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:22,700
Spanish. It's like their Spanish.

259
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,960
Not like the country below the United
States.

260
00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:26,300
It's a different Spanish.

261
00:15:26,440 --> 00:15:29,540
It's got like a fucked up... I don't
understand it. I went to Spain for two

262
00:15:29,540 --> 00:15:31,180
when I was 16, so I'm cultured. Okay.

263
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:33,680
They're small plates.

264
00:15:34,420 --> 00:15:35,420
Platito.

265
00:15:36,820 --> 00:15:39,760
They're small. They're so small. It's
like a frisbee for a rat. Like small

266
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:40,760
plates.

267
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,680
It's like a monocle for an amoeba. Like
just like really small.

268
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,180
One time I ate the plate on accident.

269
00:15:48,170 --> 00:15:49,650
So that was pretty horrific. Small
plate.

270
00:15:50,390 --> 00:15:53,210
I think it's an absolute joke. I don't
want to eat tapas. I don't like anything

271
00:15:53,210 --> 00:15:55,650
about it. It comes to you on a wooden
block like you're eating your lunch at

272
00:15:55,650 --> 00:15:56,650
Home Depot.

273
00:15:57,570 --> 00:16:01,250
Some guy in the back with his bare hands
balls up some ham in the corner and

274
00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:04,570
then throws some shards of manchego
cheese and some haphazard drizzle of

275
00:16:04,570 --> 00:16:07,590
so you can eat like an Andalusian farmer
taking a motherfucking lunch break in a

276
00:16:07,590 --> 00:16:09,510
field at 1830 for like a hundred bucks.
Cool.

277
00:16:15,210 --> 00:16:16,210
Small plate.

278
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,420
And then your one friend always gets
annoyed when you don't want her

279
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:22,400
You don't want tapas? Fine. I'm sorry.
I'm just trying to accommodate the

280
00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:28,620
Plus, guys don't ever get tapas. That's
a girl food.

281
00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,380
It's only girls. You don't want to get
tapas? It's never dudes. It's never

282
00:16:31,380 --> 00:16:32,380
bro!

283
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,100
Want to get tapas?

284
00:16:36,020 --> 00:16:37,920
We'll go off to Fantasy Draft. You want
to do tapas?

285
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,760
Nah, we'll go. We'll get one meatball.
We'll split it with four dudes. No homo.

286
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:47,760
Hi, you don't like my suggestion?

287
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:49,560
What do you want to get? Do you want to
do a flatbread?

288
00:16:51,460 --> 00:16:52,580
You want to do a flatbread?

289
00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,660
What is it? It's like a thin crisp
pizza, but like annoying.

290
00:16:59,140 --> 00:17:01,840
It's always the one girl in the group
that suggests the flatbread, right? Do

291
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:02,840
guys want to do it for everyone?

292
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,000
Do you want to do a flatbread?

293
00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:07,099
She's the one suggesting it. She's the
one that got everyone together. She's

294
00:17:07,099 --> 00:17:08,099
one that printed the Groupon.

295
00:17:10,420 --> 00:17:12,099
Her name is usually something like
Amanda.

296
00:17:14,940 --> 00:17:15,940
You want a flatbread? Do you?

297
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:16,739
You do?

298
00:17:16,740 --> 00:17:18,040
You're not eating? You don't do gluten?

299
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:20,720
You're not doing dairy? You don't do
fun? You're sleeping? That's weird.

300
00:17:20,720 --> 00:17:21,720
in public. Okay.

301
00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:26,180
Do you want flatbread? Ask her. Does she
want flatbread?

302
00:17:26,740 --> 00:17:28,400
I can't. My phone's dead. I can't text
her.

303
00:17:30,220 --> 00:17:32,120
Ask her if she wants flat... Do you want
flatbread?

304
00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,900
I'm asking if you want a flatbread.

305
00:17:39,580 --> 00:17:41,540
Do you want flatbread?

306
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,320
Ask Cinnamon with a Y if she wants
flatbread.

307
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,920
And then tell Cinnamon with a K that her
name is not phonetically sound. Okay.

308
00:17:51,780 --> 00:17:53,300
I'm going to do the ordering. I'm going
to do it. Hi.

309
00:17:53,580 --> 00:17:56,060
We're in a rush because we're entitled.

310
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,520
I'm going to do one flatbread for the 40
of us. Yeah.

311
00:18:02,860 --> 00:18:05,040
She's not eating. She's going to have a
bite. She doesn't do dairy. She doesn't

312
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,980
do gluten. She doesn't know what gluten
is, but she feels like she doesn't do it

313
00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:08,779
this week. Yeah.

314
00:18:08,780 --> 00:18:11,100
And we're going to do, what do you guys
want to drink?

315
00:18:11,380 --> 00:18:14,120
No, don't order your own. Let's just get
one. We're just going to do a trough of

316
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:15,120
white wine. Yeah.

317
00:18:16,510 --> 00:18:18,950
And then, how do you want to drink it?
No, you're being annoying. Stop.

318
00:18:19,150 --> 00:18:21,450
You don't need a glass. No, we don't
need glasses. We're just going to drink

319
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:22,450
with our hands.

320
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:26,030
What do you guys want to get on it?

321
00:18:26,270 --> 00:18:29,950
Let's just go crazy. Let's do half goat
cheese, half air. Thank you.

322
00:18:32,670 --> 00:18:36,690
Went on a date recently.

323
00:18:37,490 --> 00:18:40,310
I made a real effort in my 30s. I'm 31.

324
00:18:40,550 --> 00:18:42,730
I made a real effort to try to date
normal guys.

325
00:18:43,230 --> 00:18:45,490
Because when you're in your 20s, you can
date whoever you want because you'll

326
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:48,550
live forever and you're hot and you're
in your 20s, right? You're like, what,

327
00:18:48,590 --> 00:18:51,210
you want to go out? We're both carbon
-based. Let's do it. And it's like,

328
00:18:52,950 --> 00:18:55,690
Try to make some responsible choices in
my 30s. Recently, I went out with

329
00:18:55,690 --> 00:18:59,950
someone based solely on the way he was
dressed. He was an accountant, but okay.

330
00:19:00,870 --> 00:19:02,210
Okay, I'll carry the conversation.

331
00:19:02,410 --> 00:19:03,410
That's fine.

332
00:19:07,830 --> 00:19:10,690
Get a plaid shirt tucked into khakis.
Okay.

333
00:19:11,110 --> 00:19:12,110
All right.

334
00:19:12,170 --> 00:19:13,410
Little nerdling, that's okay.

335
00:19:14,570 --> 00:19:16,410
Cell phone and a holster on his hip.

336
00:19:18,150 --> 00:19:19,150
Dad style.

337
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:25,250
To the dads in the audience and
subsequently watching this, what text is

338
00:19:25,250 --> 00:19:28,730
in so fast you have to have your hand
ready okay corral style?

339
00:19:32,370 --> 00:19:35,970
And then what are you sending out so
fast that it's rendering your cellular

340
00:19:35,970 --> 00:19:38,350
device smoking and you've got to holster
it?

341
00:19:40,850 --> 00:19:43,670
But the point is he was dressed
responsibly. He was dressed non

342
00:19:43,670 --> 00:19:46,630
dressed nice, like an adult. And I knew
I had to respond in kind. I couldn't

343
00:19:46,630 --> 00:19:49,230
dress like a 19 -year -old lesbian hot
topic manager. I get it.

344
00:19:51,350 --> 00:19:53,570
Made a real effort, folks. I'm going to
tell you right now, I made a real

345
00:19:53,570 --> 00:19:56,550
effort. Ask my girlfriends that are like
in their mid -30s. They've been dating

346
00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:58,110
a while. They're very mature, right?

347
00:19:58,550 --> 00:20:02,950
What should I wear? You need to get like
a silk blouse.

348
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,260
So just wear it and then just cover that
shit up and just like tuck it in,

349
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:12,520
blouse it out, silk blouse. I'm here to
say right now, I reject a silk blouse.

350
00:20:12,580 --> 00:20:13,800
Fuck a silk blouse, okay?

351
00:20:14,720 --> 00:20:18,300
Yes. Just because you're not 20 doesn't
mean you have to be ashamed of your

352
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:21,880
body. I don't need to wear a tent over
it, okay? They're burkas for American

353
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,280
women. I said it and I meant it.

354
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:25,300
All right?

355
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:28,640
They're oppressive. They're ugly.
They're hot. They're shapeless. And if

356
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,900
wear an underwire bra under your silk
blouse and you sweat through it, it's

357
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:33,160
going to look like a face with its eyes
closed.

358
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:36,800
Fuck a silk blouse.

359
00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:39,840
But I bought one anyway.

360
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:40,880
I'd be like, whatever.

361
00:20:41,580 --> 00:20:44,200
Went to a nice store, made a real
effort. I went to a Nordstrom.

362
00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:50,720
I asked the sales girl. She was like 19
and just like hot. I was like, I need a

363
00:20:50,720 --> 00:20:54,160
silk blouse. She was like, what about
this one? It was white. It had black

364
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:56,800
splotches all over it. And she was like,
it's abstract.

365
00:20:57,040 --> 00:20:59,480
I was like, yeah, like a Rorschach test,
but less interesting.

366
00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,020
She's like, I don't get it. I'm like,
it's because you work here. Okay.

367
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:11,560
No, it's like a fun pattern. I'm like,
that's a cow print. Like 100%. It's

368
00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:14,440
splotches. I'm going to look like a
model for Gateway Printers. I'm not

369
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,440
that.

370
00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,680
Because here's the fact. With prints
like that, it's a cow print. You can't

371
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:22,740
it if you're a normal girl. If you're a
model, you can wear something stupid and

372
00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:25,960
look hot. If you're a model, you can
wear a blousey cow print and be like,

373
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:27,260
yeah, moo, motherfuckers.

374
00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:29,500
Moo,

375
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:30,880
yeah.

376
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:32,540
Right?

377
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:36,060
Not dicks, udders.

378
00:21:39,140 --> 00:21:42,740
Normal girl wearing a cow pattern. If
you tuck in a blousey cow, you're just

379
00:21:42,740 --> 00:21:44,600
going to look like a cow that had
gastric bypass surgery.

380
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:45,800
Just like blousey.

381
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,420
Tucked in blousey cow, so I got it.

382
00:21:51,420 --> 00:21:54,980
Tuck in blousey cow, blouse it out. And
then I bought pants that were very

383
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:57,400
tight. You're going on a date. You want
to wear tight pants. The tighter the

384
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,820
pant, the more effort it shows you put
into it. Okay.

385
00:22:00,100 --> 00:22:03,700
Not unlike Chinese foot binding. You
want your pants so tight that they form

386
00:22:03,700 --> 00:22:06,520
your muscles and bones into this kind of
like palsy effect.

387
00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:08,580
Okay.

388
00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:12,640
And you want to have shoes that are so
high. The heel is so high that you are

389
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:17,180
literally cantilevered off the edge and
it forms a dainty hump in the back.

390
00:22:17,900 --> 00:22:20,360
Men like this. Trust me. Men love a good
hump. Okay.

391
00:22:21,550 --> 00:22:22,529
Like this.

392
00:22:22,530 --> 00:22:25,730
So you're ready. So you've got blousy
cow, palsy pants, and you want your

393
00:22:25,730 --> 00:22:28,630
to be so high that you can't run from
your rapist if you want. So super high.

394
00:22:29,710 --> 00:22:32,450
Blousy cow, palsy pants, and I was ready
for the date. And we went on our date.

395
00:22:34,010 --> 00:22:36,870
Already I brought a special bag. There's
a special bag that women are required

396
00:22:36,870 --> 00:22:39,310
to carry on a first date. It's called a
clutch.

397
00:22:41,050 --> 00:22:42,050
Small mouse purse.

398
00:22:43,150 --> 00:22:46,170
A clutch, for those of you that don't
know, is neither a synonym for the word

399
00:22:46,170 --> 00:22:48,030
cool, nor does it have to do with a car.
A clutch.

400
00:22:49,130 --> 00:22:53,470
is a tiny purse that women carry on a
first date. And the reason we carry it

401
00:22:53,470 --> 00:22:56,130
because we can't carry a big bag because
men don't like big bags.

402
00:22:56,730 --> 00:22:57,870
First of all, it's not attractive.

403
00:22:58,070 --> 00:23:02,750
You can't show up to a guy's house and
say, Hey, ready for our first date,

404
00:23:02,810 --> 00:23:07,970
Steve? Well, I just brought my bag right
here. We don't got to go to no fancy

405
00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:12,390
dinner or nothing. Nope. I brought me a
hot plate. We can just plug it in.

406
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:15,700
Right here. We can do it on the lawn
unless you're ashamed of me.

407
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:20,720
Yeah. You got an external power source?
Maybe a generator? I'll call mine Jenny.

408
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:24,960
It's a little joke. Do you want beans?
Do you like beans, Steve? I brought

409
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:26,940
beans. I don't need a can opener. I've
got this shit.

410
00:23:30,880 --> 00:23:31,800
We carry

411
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:38,920
the

412
00:23:38,920 --> 00:23:40,580
little bag because men don't like big
bag.

413
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:44,240
Men don't like big bags because big bags
scare men. You show up on a first date

414
00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:47,040
with a big bag, guy's first thought is,
fuck, she's trying to move in. That's

415
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:48,040
the first thought.

416
00:23:49,940 --> 00:23:53,260
And men don't like surprises. They're
already weirded out by women in general.

417
00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:56,820
They don't know what's in that bag. You
can have guns in that bag, medication.

418
00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,780
What's in the bag? What's in the bag?

419
00:23:59,380 --> 00:24:00,500
What's in the bag?

420
00:24:03,660 --> 00:24:07,000
Pampons, alimony papers, Gwyneth
Paltrow's head. What's in the bag?

421
00:24:12,430 --> 00:24:14,190
You're going to have a lot of problems.
You're going to have medication in

422
00:24:14,190 --> 00:24:17,090
there, restraining order, taking around
a lot of that garbage with you. That's

423
00:24:17,090 --> 00:24:18,090
why it's called baggage.

424
00:24:20,010 --> 00:24:23,930
So we carry a little tiny clutch, carry
a tiny bag to fool you.

425
00:24:24,590 --> 00:24:28,990
We want you to think that all this
perfection, I said perfection, comes

426
00:24:28,990 --> 00:24:30,350
contents of this tiny rat purse.

427
00:24:31,530 --> 00:24:34,170
Right? Just a couple of things. Every
girl's told that lie when you first meet

428
00:24:34,170 --> 00:24:35,790
someone. It takes me like 10 minutes to
get ready.

429
00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:38,430
10 minutes to get ready.

430
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,340
As you're telling the lie, you can feel
it. In ten minutes, I promise, I'm

431
00:24:41,340 --> 00:24:42,079
telling the truth.

432
00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:43,080
It's fine.

433
00:24:43,620 --> 00:24:49,560
And no woman in this room has ever
closed a clutch on the first try.

434
00:24:52,060 --> 00:24:53,180
Because it's true.

435
00:24:55,520 --> 00:24:58,300
They're like, it was really hard getting
here. Yes, it was on the first try.

436
00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:02,100
Because when women pack for a first
date, we don't pack for the date we're

437
00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:04,120
to have. We pack for the date we want to
have.

438
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,580
Imagination take over. I should bring a
lip gloss.

439
00:25:06,990 --> 00:25:09,370
I should bring one lip gloss for every
degree of the sunsets because we're

440
00:25:09,370 --> 00:25:10,990
to watch the sunset from the yacht. Do
it.

441
00:25:12,630 --> 00:25:15,670
Also bring my AAA card in case his
Porsche breaks down. He has a Porsche.

442
00:25:16,270 --> 00:25:20,110
What if he's, like, a secret millionaire
and he, like, wants to make sure that,

443
00:25:20,150 --> 00:25:23,310
like, I love him for him and, like, not
his money because he's had, like,

444
00:25:23,330 --> 00:25:26,530
problems with other girls in the past,
like, wanting him for his money and,

445
00:25:26,570 --> 00:25:29,090
like, he didn't know. Like, their love
was pure and he, like, wants to test me,

446
00:25:29,130 --> 00:25:31,830
which, like, I won't pretend that, like,
you don't have to test me, but he does

447
00:25:31,830 --> 00:25:33,530
because I really like money, but I'm
going to pretend.

448
00:25:34,370 --> 00:25:37,350
Not a big deal. And like maybe he's like
the prince of like a small recent

449
00:25:37,350 --> 00:25:40,150
liberated country that like I don't care
about because I don't watch the news

450
00:25:40,150 --> 00:25:43,190
and I should pretend that like I really
care about him. So I should plan for

451
00:25:43,190 --> 00:25:45,730
this date to be amazing. So I should
bring a passport in case we go to dinner

452
00:25:45,730 --> 00:25:46,730
Peros.

453
00:25:50,930 --> 00:25:53,830
You get it all in the bag, right? You
start to zip it. You get in your teeth

454
00:25:53,830 --> 00:25:54,830
zipper like fucking close.

455
00:25:55,190 --> 00:25:57,110
Please. You get it like halfway zipped.

456
00:25:57,810 --> 00:26:00,550
You can't go on a date with a bag zipped
halfway. That's ratchet.

457
00:26:03,530 --> 00:26:06,970
So what do you do? You take everything
out. All your accessories. You lay them

458
00:26:06,970 --> 00:26:07,970
all out. Right?

459
00:26:08,330 --> 00:26:09,470
It's tough. You gotta make some cuts.

460
00:26:11,210 --> 00:26:14,130
So sorry ladies. You're all very
valuable to the team. Not everyone can

461
00:26:14,130 --> 00:26:15,130
varsity.

462
00:26:17,350 --> 00:26:18,870
And rather than get rid of anything.

463
00:26:19,170 --> 00:26:22,430
Right? What do you do at least once? You
make an attempt to put everything back

464
00:26:22,430 --> 00:26:23,430
in the bag.

465
00:26:24,310 --> 00:26:25,310
But slowly.

466
00:26:27,570 --> 00:26:30,130
Thinking if you're somehow purposeful in
your actions.

467
00:26:30,570 --> 00:26:32,390
You will sneak up on the bag.

468
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:34,980
And it won't know that it's full.

469
00:26:36,540 --> 00:26:40,000
And you get it down to like one thing
and then you snap. You're like, fuck it!

470
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:43,420
Everything goes in! Luna Bar's activity
of dad issues.

471
00:26:43,680 --> 00:26:44,680
Let's go.

472
00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:55,940
So we went to a bar and we're sitting
there and we sit down and he ordered one

473
00:26:55,940 --> 00:26:57,540
drink the whole night.

474
00:26:58,300 --> 00:26:59,300
Here's my problem with that.

475
00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:00,840
Um...

476
00:27:02,570 --> 00:27:03,570
It was a Friday night.

477
00:27:03,750 --> 00:27:07,550
And I'm a lady. I want to party, but I'm
a lady. So if you only have one drink,

478
00:27:07,690 --> 00:27:11,490
that means I'm only going to have one
drink. And if I only have one drink, how

479
00:27:11,490 --> 00:27:12,870
the hell am I supposed to want to touch
you later?

480
00:27:14,230 --> 00:27:15,230
Okay?

481
00:27:16,430 --> 00:27:18,590
Yeah. Thank you for being honest.

482
00:27:19,110 --> 00:27:20,650
Do the math on that one, accountant.

483
00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:21,890
Yeah.

484
00:27:22,750 --> 00:27:25,310
Anyone that's not laughing at that,
you're lying to yourself. That's what

485
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:26,310
alcohol is for.

486
00:27:27,130 --> 00:27:30,250
Loosen yourself up a little bit. Make
some choices you wouldn't normally make.

487
00:27:30,270 --> 00:27:33,950
Whatever, I had some wine, it's okay.
That's what it's for. Otherwise, why

488
00:27:33,950 --> 00:27:36,810
the calories? Let's all just have a
glass of warm milk and punch ourselves

489
00:27:36,810 --> 00:27:37,810
the face.

490
00:27:41,130 --> 00:27:43,150
He didn't even get alcohol, he had like
a beer.

491
00:27:43,410 --> 00:27:44,530
He had like an IPA.

492
00:27:46,290 --> 00:27:49,170
And he had like taken a sip of his, I
was done with my vodka soda.

493
00:27:49,710 --> 00:27:50,870
I thought we were having a rave.

494
00:27:52,960 --> 00:27:56,080
Sipping on his beer. I'm down to the ice
in my drink, tonguing it like a dog on

495
00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:57,080
a hot day.

496
00:28:00,660 --> 00:28:03,700
I'm running into the bathroom, taking
shots of scope from the attendant,

497
00:28:03,700 --> 00:28:08,280
to get like a prison buzz, intruder's
alcohol. I'm holding my breath, trying

498
00:28:08,280 --> 00:28:09,280
just get some kind of high.

499
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:14,780
My problem with it wasn't necessarily
that he only had one drink. My problem

500
00:28:14,780 --> 00:28:18,280
with it really was that I had a problem
with it. I'm 31, so I should have been

501
00:28:18,280 --> 00:28:22,330
mature about it. And had I been dating
more in my 30s, I think I would have

502
00:28:22,330 --> 00:28:23,330
okay with that situation.

503
00:28:23,510 --> 00:28:25,850
My friends that are in their mid -30s
that have dated a lot of normal guys,

504
00:28:25,930 --> 00:28:28,570
they'd be okay with that drink. And I
wish that I was. I wish I could have

505
00:28:28,570 --> 00:28:31,530
normal girl thoughts. I wish I'd sit
there and have the drink and have normal

506
00:28:31,530 --> 00:28:35,130
girl thoughts. Like, this one drink is
really nice. I'm so grateful. This is

507
00:28:35,130 --> 00:28:36,130
great.

508
00:28:36,650 --> 00:28:38,070
He seems like a really sweet guy.

509
00:28:38,730 --> 00:28:39,950
He's got really nice eyes.

510
00:28:40,270 --> 00:28:43,030
I wonder what they look like in a jar.
Like, normal thoughts.

511
00:28:47,790 --> 00:28:51,510
But I'm still of the mindset that when I
get a drink in me it sends a message to

512
00:28:51,510 --> 00:28:55,230
my brain that it's go time All right

513
00:28:55,230 --> 00:29:02,210
I'm 31. I'm not 90. It was a Friday not
a Tuesday during

514
00:29:02,210 --> 00:29:03,990
high tea. Let's make some fucking
mistakes.

515
00:29:04,250 --> 00:29:05,250
That's what it's about

516
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:16,820
A lot of people are wired this way. I
get a sip of liquor. It sends a message

517
00:29:16,820 --> 00:29:18,800
my party goblin that it's time to do it.

518
00:29:19,140 --> 00:29:21,620
Everybody's got a party goblin. Some
people have party goblins that have lost

519
00:29:21,620 --> 00:29:23,320
their ability to walk from partying too
much.

520
00:29:24,620 --> 00:29:27,880
My party goblin sleeps on a bunk bed.
She sleeps on the top bunk. My dignity

521
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:29,460
sleeps on the bottom bunk. He is not
invited.

522
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,540
The second I taste liquor, it wakes her
up. She smells in my brain. She's

523
00:29:33,540 --> 00:29:36,380
sitting there dreaming of eating frozen
pizza because she's a monster.

524
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:39,320
Huh?

525
00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:42,880
Vodka.

526
00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:44,080
Top shelf.

527
00:29:44,360 --> 00:29:49,440
She goes to the megaphone that controls
my actions. We've all had Party Goblin

528
00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:50,440
control our actions.

529
00:29:50,460 --> 00:29:51,540
You need to rage.

530
00:29:52,980 --> 00:29:56,920
Find the door guy. Ask him if he has
drugs. Do not specify. See what he comes

531
00:29:56,920 --> 00:29:57,920
with.

532
00:29:59,640 --> 00:30:00,920
Do it. Go.

533
00:30:02,740 --> 00:30:06,580
Jump on top of that table. Start
dancing. There is no music. I will

534
00:30:06,580 --> 00:30:07,580
music.

535
00:30:09,820 --> 00:30:10,820
You look so pretty.

536
00:30:11,020 --> 00:30:14,600
Jump off that table. Run outside. Push
that cop. See if he finds it adorable.

537
00:30:16,460 --> 00:30:18,840
Ask him if you can touch his gun. The
answer's always no.

538
00:30:19,380 --> 00:30:23,840
Go over to that CVS. Find the dairy
aisle. Grab some whipped cream. Do some

539
00:30:23,840 --> 00:30:26,860
whippin'. It might kill you. It's
fucking worth it. Go outside.

540
00:30:27,400 --> 00:30:29,100
Take a picture. Put it on Instagram.

541
00:30:29,340 --> 00:30:31,920
Take it down ten minutes later because
oops, we can see your nipple.

542
00:30:42,690 --> 00:30:48,310
So we left the bar right supervised off
of our drink

543
00:30:48,310 --> 00:30:54,770
And he drove me home so now we're in
front of my house Okay, so we're sitting

544
00:30:54,770 --> 00:30:57,750
his car in front of my house. So this is
where a kiss takes place This is where

545
00:30:57,750 --> 00:31:02,110
a first kiss takes place now as a girl
You know when you put out the vibe that

546
00:31:02,110 --> 00:31:05,910
you want to kiss all night Okay, men and
women are wired differently for the guy

547
00:31:05,910 --> 00:31:09,230
men are putting out the vibe all the
time right now a lot of vibes all the

548
00:31:09,230 --> 00:31:12,970
God I hope she sees my wiener That's
what it is.

549
00:31:15,010 --> 00:31:18,190
The vibe is ever present with guys. You
want this? What's up? You want this?

550
00:31:18,330 --> 00:31:19,330
Yeah? Anyone?

551
00:31:19,630 --> 00:31:20,810
Anyone? No?

552
00:31:22,370 --> 00:31:23,370
Little bit.

553
00:31:23,670 --> 00:31:25,030
What? You're calling the cops? Okay.

554
00:31:28,230 --> 00:31:29,530
See you on Facebook. Okay.

555
00:31:31,810 --> 00:31:34,730
For girls, we're very specific about
when we put out the vibe. Can't just

556
00:31:34,730 --> 00:31:35,489
that shit around.

557
00:31:35,490 --> 00:31:36,630
Gotta be specific about it.

558
00:31:37,190 --> 00:31:39,910
Every girl's got things that she does to
throw out the vibe. Maybe touch her

559
00:31:39,910 --> 00:31:40,910
hair a little bit.

560
00:31:43,439 --> 00:31:46,520
maybe you show off part of your body
every girl's got that one body part she

561
00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:49,400
knows is better than any other girls
yeah maybe it's your form maybe all

562
00:31:49,400 --> 00:31:56,240
you're like fuck yeah you want it you
want to

563
00:31:56,240 --> 00:32:00,820
fuck it's weird okay

564
00:32:00,820 --> 00:32:07,450
when a girl knows that a guy's a little
vulnerable and into her, we become like

565
00:32:07,450 --> 00:32:10,930
an evil witch in Enchanted Forest and
the guy becomes like the lost ingenue.

566
00:32:12,210 --> 00:32:14,610
We know. Let's say your girlfriend just
broke up with you. Let's say you were

567
00:32:14,610 --> 00:32:15,730
cheated on. You're a little wounded.

568
00:32:16,210 --> 00:32:19,250
We appear out of nowhere. You're sitting
there like, oh, I hope I find a girl.

569
00:32:19,270 --> 00:32:20,950
And we out of nowhere are just like,
hello.

570
00:32:24,490 --> 00:32:25,490
Apple.

571
00:32:28,210 --> 00:32:29,810
Yes, I used to work in a pharmacy.

572
00:32:37,450 --> 00:32:38,690
Whole new life for myself.

573
00:32:39,450 --> 00:32:43,490
And we start saying things to you to
lure you in like, yeah, this way.

574
00:32:43,490 --> 00:32:44,309
love sports.

575
00:32:44,310 --> 00:32:45,009
This way.

576
00:32:45,010 --> 00:32:49,870
This way. Come this way. Oh, yes. What?
What? A relationship? Not me. No, I just

577
00:32:49,870 --> 00:32:52,850
want to fuck in perpetuity until you
grow tired of me. This way.

578
00:32:53,550 --> 00:32:54,550
Yes. What's that?

579
00:32:54,990 --> 00:32:58,670
Your ex -girlfriend. Oh, she sounds like
a bitch that I would love to fight with

580
00:32:58,670 --> 00:32:59,890
my shirt off. This way.

581
00:33:01,110 --> 00:33:03,850
This way to my gingerbread house.

582
00:33:04,130 --> 00:33:05,130
Yes.

583
00:33:05,510 --> 00:33:09,030
Yes. Come and nibble on the walls of my
gingerbread house.

584
00:33:09,310 --> 00:33:13,870
Yeah. What's that? Yes, it's a metaphor
for my vagina. You're very clever. This

585
00:33:13,870 --> 00:33:15,150
way. This way.

586
00:33:23,510 --> 00:33:26,750
Said all the right things. Did all the
right things. I knew we were going to

587
00:33:26,750 --> 00:33:28,950
have a mouth kiss. Now, for the guy,

588
00:33:30,810 --> 00:33:34,230
he has... to decide how he wants to kiss
the girl. Now, that's a tough role.

589
00:33:34,350 --> 00:33:37,050
It's just for guys to decide, okay? You
have to decide how you're going to kiss

590
00:33:37,050 --> 00:33:39,870
a girl, because if you kiss her too
soft, you'll look like a big old puss,

591
00:33:39,870 --> 00:33:42,510
if you kiss her too hard, charges will
be filed. So you have to be careful.

592
00:33:44,010 --> 00:33:47,310
Now, in this interaction, the girl also
has her part to play. There are only

593
00:33:47,310 --> 00:33:50,190
three places you can look when you're
sitting in the passenger side of a

594
00:33:50,190 --> 00:33:52,710
vehicle, only one of which is truly
acceptable, okay?

595
00:33:53,090 --> 00:33:54,430
You cannot look right at him.

596
00:33:54,710 --> 00:33:55,870
That's too much eye contact.

597
00:33:56,390 --> 00:33:58,710
He might take it as a threat. He might
bite your neck. We don't know what he'll

598
00:33:58,710 --> 00:33:59,589
do.

599
00:33:59,590 --> 00:34:00,770
Okay? We don't know.

600
00:34:01,910 --> 00:34:04,810
Plus it's creepy. He's sitting there
like, do I kiss this girl? I don't know.

601
00:34:04,850 --> 00:34:07,270
And you're just like, when

602
00:34:07,270 --> 00:34:16,850
you

603
00:34:16,850 --> 00:34:19,949
can't stare at your passenger side
window, cause that's not enough eye

604
00:34:19,949 --> 00:34:21,790
and you'll look like touched in the
head. Okay.

605
00:34:23,429 --> 00:34:25,830
He's sitting there looking at you like,
do I kiss this girl? And you're just

606
00:34:25,830 --> 00:34:26,830
like,

607
00:34:40,460 --> 00:34:44,040
Side note, ladies, if his window does
this, do not date him. Okay.

608
00:34:50,840 --> 00:34:55,920
So the girl only has one option, and
that is to sort of look down and stare

609
00:34:55,920 --> 00:35:00,100
her hands and all of a sudden become
fascinated with her cuticle situation.

610
00:35:01,540 --> 00:35:03,780
That's amazing. I used to have feathers.
That is so weird.

611
00:35:05,200 --> 00:35:08,760
And sort of monitor the impending kiss
out of your periphery. And when he gets

612
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:09,760
about halfway, you...

613
00:35:10,220 --> 00:35:11,220
You strike.

614
00:35:12,060 --> 00:35:14,520
Tee first so you know that he knows you
mean business.

615
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:18,960
I've kissed like two guys. I think I
know what I'm talking about. Okay.

616
00:35:20,660 --> 00:35:21,800
So I was all set.

617
00:35:22,040 --> 00:35:25,600
Blousy cow, palsy pants, fucking
forearm, creepy witch. Like I was all

618
00:35:26,300 --> 00:35:29,620
I knew we were going to have a mouth
kiss. And apparently he had a different

619
00:35:29,620 --> 00:35:31,460
plan. He had a cheek peck planned.

620
00:35:32,540 --> 00:35:34,140
I did not see that coming.

621
00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:38,880
Now I'm going to show you what happens
when a cheek peck meets the intention of

622
00:35:38,880 --> 00:35:39,880
a mouth kiss.

623
00:35:40,170 --> 00:35:43,090
This is me. And this is him. He's
sitting here. Oh, my God. No.

624
00:35:43,350 --> 00:35:44,350
No.

625
00:35:56,170 --> 00:35:57,730
Let's see the slow motion replay.

626
00:36:21,870 --> 00:36:23,970
Embarrassing. It was so embarrassing.

627
00:36:24,210 --> 00:36:28,870
It was sexual rejection, like in the
weirdest form. I don't even remember how

628
00:36:28,870 --> 00:36:30,790
got in my house. I just know that I
ended up there.

629
00:36:31,470 --> 00:36:34,750
What I think happened is that my
embarrassment materialized into like a

630
00:36:34,750 --> 00:36:35,830
magician's smoke bomb.

631
00:36:36,410 --> 00:36:39,010
And I was just like, this never
happened. And I was gone.

632
00:36:41,750 --> 00:36:45,050
So now I'm inside my house. Now we've
all had this happen where it was like

633
00:36:45,050 --> 00:36:49,130
1030. So we've had this happen where you
come home earlier on a weekend than you

634
00:36:49,130 --> 00:36:50,130
thought you would.

635
00:36:50,270 --> 00:36:53,050
You're all planning to go out and you
come home way earlier. It's a very weird

636
00:36:53,050 --> 00:36:56,230
feeling. Now for guys, they want to go
back out, right? You want to get back

637
00:36:56,230 --> 00:36:57,109
there, right?

638
00:36:57,110 --> 00:36:58,110
Go team.

639
00:36:59,470 --> 00:37:02,690
Get back out there because you want to
get drunk and meet chicks. For girls,

640
00:37:02,730 --> 00:37:03,730
it's a different motivation.

641
00:37:03,790 --> 00:37:06,070
We want to go back out because I don't
want to waste an outfit.

642
00:37:09,750 --> 00:37:12,730
You try to contact your friends. Here's
the problem. There's something energy

643
00:37:12,730 --> 00:37:16,430
-wise that makes it very difficult when
you're sober to go back out.

644
00:37:16,780 --> 00:37:20,420
and rejoin your drunk friends you ever
try getting like a location from your

645
00:37:20,420 --> 00:37:26,840
drunk friends it's like it's like
texting with a house cat and

646
00:37:26,840 --> 00:37:30,700
they send you the weirdest stuff here's
what happened they don't really care if

647
00:37:30,700 --> 00:37:35,260
they see you because they went out
together you were selfish you went rogue

648
00:37:35,260 --> 00:37:38,520
went off on a date selfish went to go
find love your friends formed like a

649
00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:41,500
little mini mob and they band together
and they formed a phalanx and they were

650
00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:43,660
like let's find dudes and they went out
together

651
00:37:45,290 --> 00:37:47,690
You've had your fun. They don't care if
they see you. They send you back weird,

652
00:37:47,770 --> 00:37:50,670
seemingly innocuous texts like, we don't
know the name of the bar.

653
00:37:51,290 --> 00:37:52,890
We don't know how long we'll be here.

654
00:37:53,630 --> 00:37:55,830
We're in outer space. Come find us.

655
00:37:59,790 --> 00:38:03,470
After like 20 minutes of trying, you
kind of resign yourself to the fact that

656
00:38:03,470 --> 00:38:04,470
you're going to be home, right?

657
00:38:04,750 --> 00:38:07,010
So what's the first step in deciding
you're going to be home? You take off

658
00:38:07,010 --> 00:38:08,010
going out clothes.

659
00:38:08,190 --> 00:38:10,270
I had a silk blouse on. I didn't know
how to care for it.

660
00:38:11,370 --> 00:38:12,830
I didn't know what to feed it. I didn't
know.

661
00:38:14,720 --> 00:38:17,940
It's the fanciest material. It's like
the caviar of the material family. I

662
00:38:17,940 --> 00:38:21,580
didn't know. I stood by open French
windows for 10 minutes waiting for

663
00:38:21,580 --> 00:38:22,580
to come and undress me.

664
00:38:26,180 --> 00:38:31,300
Took it off. Put on my at -home clothes.
What are at -home clothes? Girls know

665
00:38:31,300 --> 00:38:32,300
what at -home clothes are.

666
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:34,080
Clothes you put on when no one else is
around.

667
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:36,400
Super gross.

668
00:38:38,770 --> 00:38:41,270
All the guys here are like, look, I've
been with my girl and we're by

669
00:38:41,450 --> 00:38:45,010
She's super cute. Yeah, no, we don't do
that. We don't wear roll -down boxers

670
00:38:45,010 --> 00:38:47,910
and socks up to here because you're kind
of a pedophile and pigtails and like a

671
00:38:47,910 --> 00:38:50,390
thing. We don't do that when we're by
ourselves.

672
00:38:52,710 --> 00:38:56,390
What girls do when we're by ourselves?
We dig deep into the trunk of like old t

673
00:38:56,390 --> 00:38:59,630
-shirts. You pull out your t -shirt from
middle school, right?

674
00:38:59,870 --> 00:39:00,970
It's got paint on it.

675
00:39:01,530 --> 00:39:05,910
Got your Abercrombie varsity athletic
pants from like 1997, stripes on them,

676
00:39:05,910 --> 00:39:07,130
put those on, right?

677
00:39:07,670 --> 00:39:10,430
Sweatshirts got holes in it, pants have
holes in them, underwear has holes in

678
00:39:10,430 --> 00:39:14,070
it, socks have holes in them. Why are
there holes in your clothes? Because

679
00:39:14,070 --> 00:39:15,070
corrode.

680
00:39:20,010 --> 00:39:24,810
And you wander listlessly through your
house. You look homeless, but you're in

681
00:39:24,810 --> 00:39:26,610
home, so that doesn't make sense. Just
kind of...

682
00:39:27,540 --> 00:39:30,240
Right? You wander from room to room. You
have no agenda. You're just kind of

683
00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:33,720
like not ready to go to bed yet. You go
to a room where the light's off. You

684
00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:37,180
flip it on. Like 1 % of you is expecting
there to be like a serial killer.

685
00:39:38,980 --> 00:39:42,220
Knowing full well if he's there, you're
done for because you're not. You're at

686
00:39:42,220 --> 00:39:43,220
home clothes. Nothing.

687
00:39:44,020 --> 00:39:45,020
Can't defend yourself.

688
00:39:46,080 --> 00:39:47,720
Flip it back off. You wander into the
kitchen.

689
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,120
Not really hungry. You don't really make
a meal for yourself, do you? You just

690
00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,400
kind of like stick your hand deep in a
bag of deli turkey.

691
00:39:56,780 --> 00:39:59,680
Right? A couple crackers. Maybe like two
Starbursts for dessert.

692
00:40:02,860 --> 00:40:05,980
Staring at nothing. Maybe you have a
show in the background on. Maybe

693
00:40:05,980 --> 00:40:08,020
on. Hypothetically me every night. I
don't know. I'm just watching.

694
00:40:11,100 --> 00:40:13,960
Sitting there eating it. You start
saying weird things to your dog. Like,

695
00:40:13,960 --> 00:40:14,960
day you will be my wife.

696
00:40:17,880 --> 00:40:19,020
I'm sitting there doing this.

697
00:40:20,020 --> 00:40:21,960
Phone buzzes. It's a text message.

698
00:40:22,400 --> 00:40:23,178
Who's it from?

699
00:40:23,180 --> 00:40:24,180
The accountant.

700
00:40:25,240 --> 00:40:28,220
What does it say? Is he going to ask me
out again? Does he like me? What's it

701
00:40:28,220 --> 00:40:31,780
going to say? Hey, Eliza. Had a great
time tonight. Would love to have kissed

702
00:40:31,780 --> 00:40:33,180
you, but I have to be up early.

703
00:40:38,000 --> 00:40:42,480
I don't even know how to answer that
like a human. You sent me a text that is

704
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:43,480
untext backable.

705
00:40:44,940 --> 00:40:47,240
First of all, what do you mean? Who are
you making out with?

706
00:40:47,580 --> 00:40:49,780
Wolverines? That your legs are just
immobile the next day?

707
00:40:50,820 --> 00:40:54,440
You sent me... something that stupid,
I'm not giving you the dignity of a

708
00:40:54,440 --> 00:41:01,300
text back. You're not even getting a
regular... You're not even getting back

709
00:41:01,300 --> 00:41:04,980
regular emoji. There's no winky face.
There's no sad face. I'm going deep into

710
00:41:04,980 --> 00:41:08,380
that emoji bank. And I am pulling out
fried shrimp.

711
00:41:16,320 --> 00:41:19,880
I think what bothered me about the whole
thing is it was sexual rejection.

712
00:41:20,620 --> 00:41:23,640
No matter how you slice it. And it
bothered me because I wasn't saying,

713
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:26,360
get married. Let's make plans to meet my
mom. It was a kiss.

714
00:41:26,660 --> 00:41:30,220
And so even though you denied the kiss,
it's still denying me sexually, which is

715
00:41:30,220 --> 00:41:32,000
very uncomfortable for girls. We're not
used to that.

716
00:41:32,560 --> 00:41:35,800
Again, guys get sexually rejected as
part of being a guy. You want it? Nope.

717
00:41:35,900 --> 00:41:36,900
Okay. Anyone else?

718
00:41:37,060 --> 00:41:39,760
One over here. Dick over here. Penis
over there. One, two, two, two. Over

719
00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:40,839
Right here.

720
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:41,840
Soul.

721
00:41:43,240 --> 00:41:44,800
To the seven in the corner with low
standards.

722
00:41:48,140 --> 00:41:51,660
It was a mouth kiss. And you rejecting
that is the equivalent of you being

723
00:41:51,700 --> 00:41:54,140
hey, Eliza, you see this? None for you.

724
00:41:58,940 --> 00:42:00,060
Let's talk about this for a second.

725
00:42:01,600 --> 00:42:04,000
Because every girl's seen this. I talked
about this on my last special. Every

726
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:05,000
girl's seen a guy do this.

727
00:42:09,220 --> 00:42:11,780
So I've done some thinking on the topic
of this.

728
00:42:12,980 --> 00:42:14,340
And I want to let you girls know.

729
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,740
Because girls get offended. Like, that's
so gross. Why are you doing that at a

730
00:42:17,740 --> 00:42:18,880
family picnic? What are you doing?

731
00:42:21,940 --> 00:42:24,640
Girls, I want to give you some peace of
mind and let you know that it actually

732
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:28,520
has nothing to do with you. He would be
doing this whether you were there or

733
00:42:28,520 --> 00:42:29,520
not.

734
00:42:32,980 --> 00:42:35,260
Take it as an insult. Take it as a
compliment. Whatever you want.

735
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:39,140
I don't have an issue that guys do this.
My issue is that there's no

736
00:42:39,140 --> 00:42:40,740
reciprocation on the female end.

737
00:42:41,420 --> 00:42:42,580
Gentlemen, you'd be very upset.

738
00:42:43,760 --> 00:42:47,220
If you're like laying in bed, ready to
have sex, game's on pause, ready to go.

739
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:51,360
And your girlfriend came out of the
bathroom in just a t -shirt, no bottoms.

740
00:42:53,040 --> 00:42:54,040
Hey babe.

741
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:57,820
And she just did some sort of like weird
vaginal puppetry.

742
00:43:08,500 --> 00:43:09,600
Hashtag vaginal puppetry.

743
00:43:13,100 --> 00:43:14,100
You'd be very upset.

744
00:43:14,220 --> 00:43:15,220
If she just came out, she's like, babe!

745
00:43:16,580 --> 00:43:17,580
Eh.

746
00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:22,120
If

747
00:43:22,120 --> 00:43:29,020
there are

748
00:43:29,020 --> 00:43:32,240
any guys here not laughing, that's how
we feel about that.

749
00:43:40,560 --> 00:43:43,760
of human procreation, men would cease
having sex with women. They'd be super

750
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:45,100
grossed out. They'd move to the woods.

751
00:43:46,460 --> 00:43:49,420
They'd take raccoons as wives. Like, we
would just, it would be horrible.

752
00:43:51,580 --> 00:43:56,360
And I think what's weird about it is, as
a girl, you are open to the threat of a

753
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:57,460
guy doing this at any point.

754
00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:01,460
If you're dating a guy, he could do it a
week in, a year in, ten years in. It

755
00:44:01,460 --> 00:44:07,160
could be in the bedroom, in a concert,
the produce aisle. This could happen at

756
00:44:07,160 --> 00:44:08,160
any minute.

757
00:44:08,430 --> 00:44:11,670
And that fear is ever present in your
mind. So I think if men and women are to

758
00:44:11,670 --> 00:44:16,530
ever be fair and equal, guys should have
an inherent fear of Raptor Vag.

759
00:44:18,550 --> 00:44:19,570
Hashtag Raptor Vag.

760
00:44:22,330 --> 00:44:23,330
It's only fair.

761
00:44:23,950 --> 00:44:25,050
So I have a plan.

762
00:44:27,290 --> 00:44:28,330
Tonight we strike.

763
00:44:34,130 --> 00:44:37,090
Every guy in here on a date is like,
Jesus, fuck.

764
00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:44,720
Why don't we buy tickets for this? Oh,
they were free still Here's what's gonna

765
00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:49,340
happen. Here's my plan. Okay tonight My
boyfriend is sleeping.

766
00:44:49,740 --> 00:44:55,080
Let me take it back. I'm gonna get a
boyfriend Wait till he's sleeping, okay

767
00:44:55,080 --> 00:44:59,120
Sneak up in there and you when you do
this cuz you're going to do it right

768
00:44:59,120 --> 00:45:00,140
swear when you do it

769
00:45:00,899 --> 00:45:04,260
You want to make sure that he's in REM
sleep. It's the deepest, most luxurious

770
00:45:04,260 --> 00:45:05,260
sleep, okay?

771
00:45:05,320 --> 00:45:08,540
REM sleep. You need to check to see that
he's in REM sleep. How do you make sure

772
00:45:08,540 --> 00:45:14,080
someone's in REM sleep? It's very easy.
You open their eye while they're

773
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:15,080
sleeping.

774
00:45:16,260 --> 00:45:17,720
You ever do this to someone while
they're sleeping?

775
00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:21,180
Fuck you guys. I'm not the only one
that's done this.

776
00:45:26,100 --> 00:45:29,160
And you say things to him like, I love
you. Look back and forth if you love me

777
00:45:29,160 --> 00:45:30,160
too.

778
00:45:32,859 --> 00:45:35,680
Make sure he was sleeping so he's
leaving I've established that and I go

779
00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:38,900
the other room and I would pin for a
little bit pin pin pin and then I would

780
00:45:38,900 --> 00:45:45,220
in I Would take out my raptor claw Okay
And I would sharpen my nails down not to

781
00:45:45,220 --> 00:45:48,520
a point that was sharp enough that you
could like stab a meerkat and eat it if

782
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:51,700
you Wanted to but you want like a
rounded point. So the pressure will be

783
00:45:51,700 --> 00:45:57,040
localized. Okay, like an apex of sorts,
okay Rounded really give us a raptor,

784
00:45:57,060 --> 00:45:59,240
you know, like went to get a manicure.
She'd be like make it lovely

785
00:46:01,710 --> 00:46:04,230
So I'd make it lovely and I'd sheath it
for my own protection.

786
00:46:05,170 --> 00:46:08,170
And I'd go in and I'd descend upon the
sleeping boyfriend.

787
00:46:08,450 --> 00:46:12,290
And I would apply the raptor claw to his
cheek. And I would gently stroke.

788
00:46:13,590 --> 00:46:16,290
Not enough to awaken, but merely to
stir.

789
00:46:17,710 --> 00:46:22,670
Okay? Why am I doing that? I'll tell
you. What I'm doing is introducing

790
00:46:22,670 --> 00:46:27,270
stimuli into his land of slumber. Who
talks like that? I'm introducing...

791
00:46:27,920 --> 00:46:31,100
External stimuli into his subconscious,
that's permeating his dreams, okay?

792
00:46:31,900 --> 00:46:35,360
So whatever he's doing in his dream,
he's going to feel this, and somewhere

793
00:46:35,360 --> 00:46:37,460
the back of his brain, he's going to be
like, oh shit, raptor bitch.

794
00:46:43,560 --> 00:46:47,480
Doing this lets him know, it's not
unlike when you're having a dream, and

795
00:46:47,480 --> 00:46:50,300
say you're talking to like a model, and
your alarm clock goes off, so she's

796
00:46:50,300 --> 00:46:52,260
like, another reason I don't like to
wear underwear.

797
00:46:53,780 --> 00:46:55,180
That's the equivalent of that, okay?

798
00:46:56,799 --> 00:47:00,320
So I would do this. So in his dreamland,
he would feel the, and he would know.

799
00:47:00,420 --> 00:47:04,340
And then, so he's like, he's still
sleeping, but he's feeling this. And

800
00:47:04,340 --> 00:47:07,900
the final stage, I would sneak up to him
and I would sound the raptor mating

801
00:47:07,900 --> 00:47:13,320
call. It would resonate all throughout
the land of Nod. And he would know. And

802
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:15,520
he's sitting there in his dream,
delivering his naked high school

803
00:47:15,520 --> 00:47:16,980
speech, whatever dream he's having.

804
00:47:17,560 --> 00:47:20,800
He would hear the raptor mating call and
he'd be like, oh fuck, mama's here. He

805
00:47:20,800 --> 00:47:21,800
would know.

806
00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:26,200
So I get in his ear and I do the raptor
mating call right before I striked.

807
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:28,120
Okay. I stroked. I striked.

808
00:47:29,340 --> 00:47:30,360
I stripped. Okay.

809
00:47:31,100 --> 00:47:33,120
I get in his ear.

810
00:47:33,320 --> 00:47:34,320
Raptor mating call.

811
00:47:38,300 --> 00:47:40,620
And he was, huh?

812
00:47:40,820 --> 00:47:41,820
And I go.

813
00:47:58,759 --> 00:48:00,120
jacket. Girls are weird.

814
00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:02,980
We do weird things, but we're cute, so
it's okay.

815
00:48:04,600 --> 00:48:08,600
Girls do crazy things. It's our own
brand of crazy. Guys do crazy things

816
00:48:08,660 --> 00:48:11,100
like rape and war. They do their own
kind of crazy things.

817
00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:15,120
Girls have a more insidious kind of
crazy. Sometimes we'll start a fight

818
00:48:15,120 --> 00:48:17,260
you just to see if we can make it look
like you started the fight.

819
00:48:19,260 --> 00:48:21,600
We have to do it three times a year or
we lose our standing in the club.

820
00:48:23,319 --> 00:48:25,960
Every girl's done that just to see how
strong your powers are.

821
00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:28,640
I don't want to fight with you. Stop it.

822
00:48:30,580 --> 00:48:33,080
I don't want to fight with you. I didn't
start this. You started this. You

823
00:48:33,080 --> 00:48:34,080
started acting weird.

824
00:48:34,880 --> 00:48:37,880
I don't want to fight with you.
Bullshit. I don't want to fight with

825
00:48:38,940 --> 00:48:41,560
We'll turn around. We'll talk to a fake
Jerry. I don't. What is this?

826
00:48:44,330 --> 00:48:47,770
I don't want to fight with you. This is
on you, okay? I'm peaceful. You're being

827
00:48:47,770 --> 00:48:48,448
a dick.

828
00:48:48,450 --> 00:48:50,990
I don't even... You're being... Stop it.
Stop it. What are you doing? You're

829
00:48:50,990 --> 00:48:54,270
like yelling. Stop it. I don't want to
fight with you. But in your girl head,

830
00:48:54,330 --> 00:49:01,290
you're like... I want to...

831
00:49:01,290 --> 00:49:04,810
I want to fight with you.

832
00:49:08,430 --> 00:49:10,930
I woke up feeling chubby this morning.

833
00:49:12,780 --> 00:49:14,420
And that is somehow your fault.

834
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:17,720
Get in the octagon.

835
00:49:21,660 --> 00:49:24,520
We do all kinds of head games. Go hang
out with your friends. That's fine.

836
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:28,939
Do it.

837
00:49:28,940 --> 00:49:30,480
Go hang out with your friends. I dare
you.

838
00:49:33,620 --> 00:49:36,360
I know you made plans with me. That's
fine. Go. Go hang out with your friends.

839
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:37,640
That's fine. I want you to be happy.

840
00:49:39,760 --> 00:49:40,558
Do it.

841
00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:42,810
Go hang out. There are no friends.

842
00:49:44,550 --> 00:49:45,550
Only Zool.

843
00:49:54,030 --> 00:49:57,670
Look, I'm sure being a guy has its
difficulties. I haven't been one in a

844
00:49:57,750 --> 00:49:58,930
so I don't really know what that's like.

845
00:50:00,090 --> 00:50:03,490
But girls have a lot of stuff that are
being thrown at them all the time.

846
00:50:04,810 --> 00:50:08,370
suss out what's good for us and weed out
the positive messages. I truly believe

847
00:50:08,370 --> 00:50:10,970
our society operates on a currency of
women's insecurities.

848
00:50:11,750 --> 00:50:14,750
Multi -billion dollar industries
thriving on like, just make them feel

849
00:50:14,750 --> 00:50:16,890
their bodies are unacceptable and then
like sell them some shit.

850
00:50:17,870 --> 00:50:21,150
Look at any magazine. Like you're
amazing, but you need to lose like 10

851
00:50:21,990 --> 00:50:24,750
Love your body. Love your hair. Whatever
you've done is wrong. You look like a

852
00:50:24,750 --> 00:50:25,750
sea monster.

853
00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,940
Everything's got, like, a weird mixed
message and a weird, like, hoary

854
00:50:29,940 --> 00:50:31,960
undertone. Like, be a bad girl. Own your
sexuality.

855
00:50:32,180 --> 00:50:34,920
But if you fuck more than one dude,
you're a whore. Like, everything's

856
00:50:36,680 --> 00:50:39,180
Now, you can't just go around, like,
effing dudes. But you can have sex with

857
00:50:39,180 --> 00:50:40,280
more than one, and that's okay.

858
00:50:40,640 --> 00:50:43,540
Even my eyeliner has a sexual message.
It's called bad gal.

859
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:48,540
14 -year -olds can buy this. Are they
bad gals? Yeah, tiny bad gals.

860
00:50:49,900 --> 00:50:52,480
It comes with a little devil that sits
on your shoulder. And as you're putting

861
00:50:52,480 --> 00:50:55,600
it on, it whispers salacious things in
your ear. Like, oh, I better get ready

862
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:57,160
for the... You're a bad gal.

863
00:51:00,600 --> 00:51:04,560
Close that window. Yeah, I better get
ready. Yeah, you want to fuck in a

864
00:51:04,560 --> 00:51:05,880
dumpster. What are you talking about?

865
00:51:09,320 --> 00:51:12,140
It doesn't sound like a bad gal as much
as someone that just needs a home. I

866
00:51:12,140 --> 00:51:16,280
don't... I'm not a bad gal. I'm just
trying to put on eyeliner so I don't

867
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:18,140
like newborn hamster face. I'm just
trying to...

868
00:51:18,779 --> 00:51:22,360
Yeah, no, you're a bad gal. I'm not a
bad gal. Yeah, you are. You want to give

869
00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:24,900
handjob at an Acura going 50 and a 30.

870
00:51:25,140 --> 00:51:26,140
No insurance.

871
00:51:26,240 --> 00:51:28,420
You're a bad gal. What are you talking
about?

872
00:51:30,080 --> 00:51:31,080
I have insurance.

873
00:51:35,260 --> 00:51:37,160
What's my blush called? Flirty girl.

874
00:51:37,920 --> 00:51:40,160
Yeah, tart it up, you hooker.

875
00:51:40,990 --> 00:51:43,310
Yeah, look super horny, ready to go.

876
00:51:43,510 --> 00:51:44,990
You're a flirty girl.

877
00:51:45,250 --> 00:51:49,070
Dress like that, you were asking for.
Dress like what? Like a cool mom out on

878
00:51:49,070 --> 00:51:50,770
like mom's night out? Like dress like
what?

879
00:51:51,530 --> 00:51:54,470
Yeah, you want to fuck in a dumpster.
What's with you and fucking with

880
00:51:54,470 --> 00:51:57,090
dumpsters? I want to fuck in a dumpster.
Well, you're projecting.

881
00:51:59,910 --> 00:52:04,210
Again my issue with it isn't that
there's a sexual undertone my issue with

882
00:52:04,210 --> 00:52:07,910
that it's a negative message to women
But guys reap a positive effect right

883
00:52:07,910 --> 00:52:10,450
like oh, she's a bad girl. Maybe she'll
touch my D. That's pretty much the

884
00:52:10,450 --> 00:52:13,790
message coming out of that Maybe she'll
wear spike leather gloves.

885
00:52:14,030 --> 00:52:19,910
Yeah on a motorcycle She's probably a
lesbian she's on a motorcycle, okay bad

886
00:52:19,910 --> 00:52:24,990
gal There's no men's products. There are
no men's products that have like a

887
00:52:24,990 --> 00:52:27,410
negative message to men, but women reap
a positive effect.

888
00:52:27,610 --> 00:52:30,590
There's no guy putting on cologne, and
as he's doing it, he's hearing, you're

889
00:52:30,590 --> 00:52:32,550
going to text her back within a
reasonable time frame.

890
00:52:38,990 --> 00:52:42,110
There's no guy putting on aftershave,
and as he's putting it on, he's hearing,

891
00:52:42,230 --> 00:52:45,850
you're 37 and share a room with two
other dudes in the hipster part of town.

892
00:52:45,850 --> 00:52:48,650
outside of the context of Los Angeles,
it's actually totally socially

893
00:52:48,650 --> 00:52:51,850
unacceptable, bro. What's that? You run
a t -shirt making business? Awesome. You

894
00:52:51,850 --> 00:52:55,250
only have online shit? That's cool. No
real t -shirts. Also, you ride a bike to

895
00:52:55,250 --> 00:52:58,390
work and claim it's ecologically
responsible, but we all know your credit

896
00:52:58,390 --> 00:53:00,050
fucked you can't get financing for a
Kia.

897
00:53:09,230 --> 00:53:12,530
lot to contend with as a girl we have
different rules for being a girl girls

898
00:53:12,530 --> 00:53:15,190
like girls should be equal we can fuck
whoever we want it's not the way it

899
00:53:15,190 --> 00:53:18,610
should be we're the fairest sex for a
reason lady we have a responsibility if

900
00:53:18,610 --> 00:53:21,410
you want guys to do things like pay for
dinner and open doors you have to act

901
00:53:21,410 --> 00:53:24,870
like a lady you can't act like a guy
we're just not built for it sorry if

902
00:53:24,870 --> 00:53:29,290
crushing some of you it's just the truth
fuck my girlfriend called me the other

903
00:53:29,290 --> 00:53:32,390
night she's like do you want to go out
with us after your skit

904
00:53:36,819 --> 00:53:39,240
Continuing to not fully comprehend what
I do for a living. That's fine.

905
00:53:40,180 --> 00:53:42,680
But we're talking about it. And in the
back was my drunk friend.

906
00:53:43,000 --> 00:53:45,520
Drunk friend never gets to hold the
phone. Drunk friend's always in the

907
00:53:45,520 --> 00:53:47,160
background yelling shit at the sober
one.

908
00:53:48,420 --> 00:53:50,480
Drunkie's always like tethered to the
sober one. Like, ah!

909
00:53:52,940 --> 00:53:53,940
I miss you!

910
00:53:56,160 --> 00:53:58,400
I'm gonna yell, I miss you. Girls always
do that. And you don't miss them.

911
00:53:58,420 --> 00:53:59,500
You're like, miss you too, babe.

912
00:54:00,560 --> 00:54:02,680
Come out with us!

913
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:05,120
She kept yelling at me. I'm like, what
is she talking about? Come out with us!

914
00:54:09,160 --> 00:54:12,440
I'm sorry, do whatever you want. I feel
if you're a lady, that is never a

915
00:54:12,440 --> 00:54:16,880
sentence that should be uttered with
anticipation in future tense. It is only

916
00:54:16,880 --> 00:54:19,840
sentence that should be said with the
utmost aberration in past tense.

917
00:54:20,620 --> 00:54:22,580
It should never be, I'm going to fuck a
stranger.

918
00:54:22,940 --> 00:54:25,980
It should always be, oh my God, I fucked
a stranger.

919
00:54:28,300 --> 00:54:29,300
Oh my God.

920
00:54:31,060 --> 00:54:33,660
We always talk about the downside when
girls sleep with someone. There's a lot

921
00:54:33,660 --> 00:54:37,160
of risk that it poses for women.
However, We take up for the guy side for

922
00:54:37,160 --> 00:54:39,920
second. I do believe there are plenty of
guys in here, good guys, that have gone

923
00:54:39,920 --> 00:54:42,400
to bed with a girl for like a one night
stand thinking like, I found someone

924
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:45,840
special. I really like her. And then you
wake up the next morning next to like a

925
00:54:45,840 --> 00:54:47,500
fat water rat. Like these things have
happened.

926
00:54:47,800 --> 00:54:52,060
Okay. Plenty of guys in here, I'm sure,
thought they went to bed with like an

927
00:54:52,060 --> 00:54:53,060
absolute angel.

928
00:54:53,380 --> 00:54:55,740
And tomorrow morning, this might happen
to you tonight. You're going to go out

929
00:54:55,740 --> 00:54:59,180
in Denver on a Friday. You're going to
go out, you meet a girl. Oh, she's so

930
00:54:59,180 --> 00:55:02,360
angelic, so beautiful. And tomorrow
morning, you are going to wake up next

931
00:55:02,360 --> 00:55:03,098
Satan himself.

932
00:55:03,100 --> 00:55:04,100
You're going to look down.

933
00:55:04,400 --> 00:55:07,280
At your sheets, there's going to be a
pile of sheets, and they'll just be like

934
00:55:07,280 --> 00:55:10,700
undulating, pulsating, and there'll be
heat lines coming off of it.

935
00:55:13,600 --> 00:55:16,560
Good morning. Excuse me. Is it Stacy?

936
00:55:17,040 --> 00:55:19,780
No one by the name of Stacy is here.

937
00:55:22,700 --> 00:55:25,980
Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed. I
thought your name was Stacy.

938
00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:28,720
Il nombre non es importante.

939
00:55:31,860 --> 00:55:36,040
Wow. Well, judging by that and the smell
of sulfur, I'm going to take a guess

940
00:55:36,040 --> 00:55:37,660
that you are Satan?

941
00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:39,240
Yes.

942
00:55:40,680 --> 00:55:41,680
Clip -clop.

943
00:55:44,020 --> 00:55:48,820
Yes. Look, you got to go, why? I thought
we were going to get breakfast, smoochy

944
00:55:48,820 --> 00:55:49,820
pie.

945
00:55:51,100 --> 00:55:55,840
We can't get breakfast because, look, I
cheated on my girlfriend and I...

946
00:55:55,840 --> 00:55:59,440
You what?

947
00:56:01,379 --> 00:56:04,580
You cheated. You cheated on me. Are you
crying lava? Fucking right, I'm crying

948
00:56:04,580 --> 00:56:05,580
lava.

949
00:56:06,400 --> 00:56:09,560
I'm the devil. What do you think I'm
going to cry? Of course it's lava.

950
00:56:09,560 --> 00:56:11,780
so fucked up. I thought you were a good
guy. Fuck you.

951
00:56:12,100 --> 00:56:15,180
Fuck you. All right, all right. Just get
out of here. No, you know what? I know

952
00:56:15,180 --> 00:56:17,800
when you're going to die. Are you
fucking serious? Nope, that's the angel

953
00:56:17,800 --> 00:56:18,800
death. I'm just kidding.

954
00:56:20,300 --> 00:56:23,540
People think we're the same, but we're
not. We're just similar height. We both

955
00:56:23,540 --> 00:56:24,540
have brown hair.

956
00:56:24,960 --> 00:56:27,760
All right, you got to go. Don't fucking
touch me.

957
00:56:28,080 --> 00:56:29,280
Get off my tail. I'm going.

958
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:31,940
Give me some bus fare.

959
00:56:33,900 --> 00:56:34,900
In my hoof.

960
00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:40,600
What are you laughing at? I'm sorry, I
just, I think it's ridiculous that

961
00:56:40,600 --> 00:56:43,260
taking the bus. Yes, I'm taking the bus,
okay?

962
00:56:44,020 --> 00:56:45,340
I am fiscally responsible.

963
00:56:45,860 --> 00:56:47,260
Do you know how hard it is to be the
devil?

964
00:56:48,380 --> 00:56:51,780
I have no business. The Kardashians
take, like, all of my business. I'm not

965
00:56:51,780 --> 00:56:52,780
joking.

966
00:56:52,860 --> 00:56:55,100
It's really hard to earn an honest
dollar, okay?

967
00:56:57,400 --> 00:57:00,300
Ridiculous. I had to have sex with Kris
Jenner and everything. It was horrible.

968
00:57:02,040 --> 00:57:03,040
She's evil.

969
00:57:03,740 --> 00:57:06,580
Of course I don't have any money. What
do you expect me to ride around? Of

970
00:57:06,580 --> 00:57:09,000
course I take public transportation. I
am a demon of the people.

971
00:57:09,960 --> 00:57:14,100
Okay? What do you expect me to drive
around in a hearse made of skulls? Okay?

972
00:57:14,180 --> 00:57:16,300
I'm not Rob Zombie. I'm not an asshole.
Okay?

973
00:57:17,660 --> 00:57:21,720
Give me $6 .66 and I'll be on my way.

974
00:57:23,520 --> 00:57:25,800
Alright, fucking go. I have a question.
What?

975
00:57:26,760 --> 00:57:27,760
Is it cold outside?

976
00:57:35,900 --> 00:57:40,360
You guys are a wonderful crowd.

977
00:57:42,040 --> 00:57:44,140
There's no elegant way to wipe off a
sweat mustache.

978
00:57:51,980 --> 00:57:55,020
I was talking at the beginning about how
a lot of my friends are getting married

979
00:57:55,020 --> 00:57:59,140
and I'm happy for them. I think that I'm
just in a different headspace at the

980
00:57:59,140 --> 00:58:03,180
moment. They all get really excited to
plan their weddings and I get really

981
00:58:03,180 --> 00:58:05,180
excited to plan a breakup.

982
00:58:07,380 --> 00:58:08,640
Guys, hear me out on this.

983
00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:13,360
Girls do weird things. And from the day
we start dating you, we keep tabs on

984
00:58:13,360 --> 00:58:14,860
everything you do wrong.

985
00:58:16,220 --> 00:58:19,440
So that if and when we decide to break
up with you, because I don't know.

986
00:58:19,980 --> 00:58:21,180
The wind changes direction.

987
00:58:23,360 --> 00:58:27,240
We can then refer to said list,
extrapolate one isolated incident, and

988
00:58:27,240 --> 00:58:29,980
as the piece de resistance of our
breakup masterpiece.

989
00:58:31,300 --> 00:58:34,220
You don't believe me? You ever been
dating a girl? Everything's going great.

990
00:58:34,220 --> 00:58:36,780
know, things are mediocre. Okay, not
great, but whatever. Things are fine.

991
00:58:36,780 --> 00:58:39,580
she breaks up with you out of the blue
like, you breaking up with me? Yes, your

992
00:58:39,580 --> 00:58:41,940
feet look like eagle claws. There I said
it. Caw -caw.

993
00:58:44,520 --> 00:58:45,520
Say caw -caw goodbye.

994
00:58:47,100 --> 00:58:50,340
It seems like it's out of nowhere. We
let things build. And it could be like a

995
00:58:50,340 --> 00:58:53,020
hairpin trigger. You could be sitting at
your anniversary dinner. I'm thinking

996
00:58:53,020 --> 00:58:54,380
about getting salmon. I'm fucking done.

997
00:58:54,600 --> 00:58:55,600
Like it doesn't really matter.

998
00:58:57,420 --> 00:59:00,720
Just so you know, I'm not cavalier about
this. I put time and effort into these

999
00:59:00,720 --> 00:59:04,400
breakups. You put time and effort into
dating me. I'm going to return said time

1000
00:59:04,400 --> 00:59:07,580
and effort, plus interest, a very good
ROI, on that breakup, okay?

1001
00:59:08,560 --> 00:59:10,140
These are handcrafted breakups.

1002
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:11,880
Hand hewn.

1003
00:59:12,800 --> 00:59:14,060
Echo in California.

1004
00:59:14,820 --> 00:59:15,820
Taylor made.

1005
00:59:15,930 --> 00:59:19,170
Forged from the fires of your own
insecurities, specialty breakups, okay?

1006
00:59:20,150 --> 00:59:21,470
I don't do a generic breakup.

1007
00:59:21,970 --> 00:59:23,230
I don't do a breakup template.

1008
00:59:23,770 --> 00:59:28,390
I don't do the whole, oh my God, it's
me, not you. No, it's you, motherfucker.

1009
00:59:28,510 --> 00:59:29,510
Here's a list of reasons why.

1010
00:59:35,670 --> 00:59:40,330
I was dating a guy who dated for three
months and we were on our first date.

1011
00:59:40,560 --> 00:59:43,180
right? So it's a first date. So we're
doing first dates, right? We're at a

1012
00:59:43,220 --> 00:59:48,000
we're drinking, talking, taking muscle
relaxers. It's like a first date. And I

1013
00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:51,060
was asking him first date questions.
Like, what do you do? Where are you

1014
00:59:51,180 --> 00:59:53,180
What do you max out at? Like just stuff
you want to know.

1015
00:59:54,900 --> 00:59:58,300
I was like, Oh, what are, what's your
middle name? Just asking questions.

1016
00:59:58,300 --> 01:00:00,220
your middle name? He goes, my middle
name is Paul.

1017
01:00:01,300 --> 01:00:07,900
Now, reciprocity in like a normal
conversation would dictate that perhaps

1018
01:00:07,900 --> 01:00:09,800
next question to me should have been,

1019
01:00:13,009 --> 01:00:14,030
Why? That's right.

1020
01:00:15,650 --> 01:00:20,470
What's your middle name? But he never
asked me my middle name. And I fucking

1021
01:00:20,470 --> 01:00:21,850
remembered that.

1022
01:00:25,030 --> 01:00:26,030
Because here's the deal.

1023
01:00:26,810 --> 01:00:30,510
He wasn't necessarily wrong in not
asking me that. Men and women

1024
01:00:30,510 --> 01:00:32,830
differently. I'm surprised we can be in
the same room without ripping each

1025
01:00:32,830 --> 01:00:34,090
other's genitals off, quite frankly.

1026
01:00:34,770 --> 01:00:37,850
If you went back and you said to him,
why didn't you ask her her middle name?

1027
01:00:37,950 --> 01:00:40,870
He'd be like, what? At the time she had
long hair. I thought she was a mermaid.

1028
01:00:41,030 --> 01:00:42,370
Like not even in the same stratosphere.

1029
01:00:46,350 --> 01:00:48,830
And what's crazy is every guy in this
room was like, yeah, right on, mermaid

1030
01:00:48,830 --> 01:00:49,830
hair. I get it.

1031
01:00:52,110 --> 01:00:56,750
And where I went wrong, where girls tend
to go wrong, is I didn't tell him why I

1032
01:00:56,750 --> 01:00:57,368
was mad.

1033
01:00:57,370 --> 01:01:01,150
We don't tell you why we're mad because
you should know, which is insane.

1034
01:01:02,819 --> 01:01:05,960
We barely know why we're mad. I don't
know, but something happened and now I'm

1035
01:01:05,960 --> 01:01:06,960
mad.

1036
01:01:07,460 --> 01:01:10,740
I don't know why I'm mad, but you should
know. The secrets are locked in my

1037
01:01:10,740 --> 01:01:11,740
brain.

1038
01:01:13,440 --> 01:01:14,880
Did you eat a key? I did.

1039
01:01:16,340 --> 01:01:18,380
That and the plate and the leaves from
earlier. I feel fat.

1040
01:01:20,759 --> 01:01:25,440
We just sit there stoic with this like
stepford -wise facade and we let it rot

1041
01:01:25,440 --> 01:01:29,000
our brains and we sit there smiling But
it devolved we're just like he didn't

1042
01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:31,500
ask my middle name That means he doesn't
want to get to know me my hopes my

1043
01:01:31,500 --> 01:01:33,740
thoughts my dreams my feelings my
friends My family will never have a baby

1044
01:01:33,740 --> 01:01:38,420
that's the way that devolved So

1045
01:01:38,420 --> 01:01:44,160
I began planning the breakup on the
first date

1046
01:01:45,109 --> 01:01:47,610
We dated for about three months, and at
the conclusion of three months, I

1047
01:01:47,610 --> 01:01:50,290
decided that I wanted to do a rain
breakup.

1048
01:01:51,410 --> 01:01:54,990
Felt the rain would be emblematic of the
tear shed during the courtship. A lot

1049
01:01:54,990 --> 01:01:55,990
of poetry in that.

1050
01:01:56,390 --> 01:01:58,310
Rain breakup, wanna break up in the
rain.

1051
01:01:58,810 --> 01:02:00,990
Oh my god, rain, right?

1052
01:02:01,870 --> 01:02:04,730
It's all different kinds of rain breaks
up. You can do one in an alley crying.

1053
01:02:04,930 --> 01:02:08,610
You could do one, you could be a young
British country girl in the 1800s

1054
01:02:08,610 --> 01:02:09,610
through a field. No!

1055
01:02:11,779 --> 01:02:14,400
You're in a white dress, no shoes. Women
actually weren't allowed to wear shoes

1056
01:02:14,400 --> 01:02:15,259
until 1962.

1057
01:02:15,260 --> 01:02:16,260
Fun fact. No!

1058
01:02:16,780 --> 01:02:20,140
I can't be with you. I've been betrothed
to another Jeremiah.

1059
01:02:20,560 --> 01:02:21,940
Why? I love you so much. No!

1060
01:02:22,240 --> 01:02:25,060
Running in the rain, and it's cascading.
I've got long hair. They didn't have

1061
01:02:25,060 --> 01:02:26,900
scissors back then either. Just long
hair.

1062
01:02:27,420 --> 01:02:30,640
I'd wrap it around like a belt. It's
weird. And I'd be running, and it would

1063
01:02:30,640 --> 01:02:33,860
cascade over white, so it was just see
-through. You wouldn't see areola, but

1064
01:02:33,860 --> 01:02:38,760
you'd see nipple bumpage, right? Like
Rachel, friend, circa 1997, network

1065
01:02:38,760 --> 01:02:39,760
nipple, right?

1066
01:02:40,260 --> 01:02:41,260
Running.

1067
01:02:41,450 --> 01:02:45,310
Fucking doing it. No bra. Running hard.
No bra. Because in your fantasy, your

1068
01:02:45,310 --> 01:02:46,650
tits are like rocks. Just running.

1069
01:02:47,890 --> 01:02:52,170
Every girl in this room has fantasized
about kissing a boy in the rain. Which,

1070
01:02:52,250 --> 01:02:54,530
if you've ever actually done it, is
fucking horrible. You will get the flu.

1071
01:02:56,950 --> 01:02:59,890
I live in Los Angeles. That's not clean
rain. That's fucking rats, cabbage,

1072
01:03:00,030 --> 01:03:01,030
headshots, lettuce.

1073
01:03:02,830 --> 01:03:05,410
Kale. Three types of leafy greens. We're
healthy. Syringes. Dreams.

1074
01:03:09,460 --> 01:03:12,460
Couldn't do a rain breakup. It rained
one day while we were dating, but I was

1075
01:03:12,460 --> 01:03:16,220
wearing a wool sweater, so... You know.

1076
01:03:17,780 --> 01:03:20,320
You can't get wool wet. You're going to
smell like a dirty sheep.

1077
01:03:21,820 --> 01:03:22,980
No one's going to miss you.

1078
01:03:24,200 --> 01:03:26,340
You breaking up with me? I'm breaking up
with you.

1079
01:03:28,900 --> 01:03:32,800
So I had to plan an alternate breakup.
Now, before I share with you my

1080
01:03:32,800 --> 01:03:36,340
fantasy breakup, I'm going to tell you
the way we actually broke up.

1081
01:03:36,680 --> 01:03:40,000
The way we actually broke up was yours
truly got a little drunk and a little

1082
01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:44,140
honest one night and texted him
something to the effect of, you don't

1083
01:03:44,140 --> 01:03:45,740
Breaking Bad. How are we supposed to be
together?

1084
01:03:45,960 --> 01:03:47,060
That's actually how we broke up.

1085
01:03:50,580 --> 01:03:51,580
Fried shrimp.

1086
01:03:54,060 --> 01:03:57,700
So now I'm going to share with you my
ultimate fantasy breakup.

1087
01:03:59,660 --> 01:04:03,420
In my fantasy.

1088
01:04:04,919 --> 01:04:07,520
We would be sitting on my couch at my
house.

1089
01:04:08,000 --> 01:04:12,320
And I would be like a little bit more
tan than I am now. So people would be

1090
01:04:12,320 --> 01:04:13,320
like, where'd you go on vacation?

1091
01:04:13,340 --> 01:04:14,340
I'd be like, it's a secret.

1092
01:04:15,920 --> 01:04:18,940
And I'd probably, my hair would be a
little bit longer. But like not like too

1093
01:04:18,940 --> 01:04:21,000
long. I'd have like layers. You know
what I'm talking about? Like a long bob.

1094
01:04:21,120 --> 01:04:21,959
You know what I'm talking about?

1095
01:04:21,960 --> 01:04:24,680
Like where you want to keep the length
but not the weight. So you'd have like

1096
01:04:24,680 --> 01:04:25,680
layers. You know what I'm talking about?

1097
01:04:25,920 --> 01:04:28,400
And maybe like highlights in the front
but maybe like a partial. Like we

1098
01:04:28,400 --> 01:04:31,480
probably don't need to do the back. Like
some warmer tones. Like a honey for the

1099
01:04:31,480 --> 01:04:32,480
fall. Do you know what I'm talking
about?

1100
01:04:35,049 --> 01:04:36,570
Okay. Sitting on my couch.

1101
01:04:37,270 --> 01:04:39,830
In my house. And I would start a fight.

1102
01:04:40,330 --> 01:04:41,330
Out of nowhere.

1103
01:04:42,770 --> 01:04:47,530
When you're a woman, you possess a
magical, innate ability to create

1104
01:04:47,530 --> 01:04:49,150
where there formerly was none.

1105
01:04:50,550 --> 01:04:52,770
Alright, we're talking out of thin
fucking air.

1106
01:04:53,910 --> 01:04:57,350
We could do this as a show in Las Vegas.
Like argument illusionists. Just

1107
01:04:57,350 --> 01:04:58,350
creating them.

1108
01:04:58,610 --> 01:05:02,070
Nothing up my sleeve, nothing in my
hand. Now there's a fight, motherfucker.

1109
01:05:10,240 --> 01:05:11,320
Maybe we'll have a dove.

1110
01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:13,480
I don't know the budget. I don't know
what we'll have.

1111
01:05:15,300 --> 01:05:19,100
The point is, gentlemen, if the girl
wants to have a fight, the lady shall

1112
01:05:19,100 --> 01:05:20,098
a fight.

1113
01:05:20,100 --> 01:05:21,800
And there's nothing you can do about it.

1114
01:05:22,820 --> 01:05:25,620
You can cough. That's enough. That's
enough Kindle for that fire.

1115
01:05:25,980 --> 01:05:27,080
Sitting there watching TV.

1116
01:05:31,880 --> 01:05:33,340
What did you say?

1117
01:05:35,780 --> 01:05:39,200
I didn't say anything. What the fuck did
you just say?

1118
01:05:41,290 --> 01:05:44,050
I didn't say anything. You know what?
And I would start crying.

1119
01:05:46,170 --> 01:05:49,170
Start crying. I'm telling you now that
I'm going to cry then.

1120
01:05:49,610 --> 01:05:50,610
I'm planning to cry.

1121
01:05:51,430 --> 01:05:53,510
I'm going to put it in my phone. Set
reminder. Cry later.

1122
01:05:55,310 --> 01:05:56,750
I'm going to make myself cry.

1123
01:05:57,050 --> 01:06:00,630
How do you make yourself cry? That's
what you're thinking right now. Eliza,

1124
01:06:00,630 --> 01:06:04,190
do you make yourself cry? A lot of
actresses get paid a lot of money to

1125
01:06:04,190 --> 01:06:09,110
themselves cry. How do you make yourself
cry? I'm going to tell you. You take a

1126
01:06:09,110 --> 01:06:11,090
small... pocket knife. I'm just kidding.

1127
01:06:12,570 --> 01:06:17,910
Turn around and unbeknownst to him, I
would pluck a solitary nose hair.

1128
01:06:20,930 --> 01:06:21,930
You ever do that?

1129
01:06:24,190 --> 01:06:25,190
That shit hurts.

1130
01:06:27,710 --> 01:06:28,710
Real bad.

1131
01:06:30,130 --> 01:06:31,850
It's physically undetectable.

1132
01:06:33,970 --> 01:06:36,950
And it's going to escalate the energy of
your argument very quickly.

1133
01:06:38,540 --> 01:06:42,660
Your argument will magically be
transformed from, you know what, just

1134
01:06:45,140 --> 01:06:46,340
Big tears, okay?

1135
01:06:47,900 --> 01:06:50,160
Girls, I'll tell you why it's important
to have big tears, okay?

1136
01:06:50,620 --> 01:06:54,960
If you're going to make the attempt to
elicit an emotional response from an

1137
01:06:54,960 --> 01:06:59,520
otherwise emotionally unavailable
individual, you must be demonstrative

1138
01:06:59,520 --> 01:07:00,820
your ocular lubrication, okay?

1139
01:07:01,900 --> 01:07:05,300
Unlike women, men are very black and
white. They respond to big gestures,

1140
01:07:05,840 --> 01:07:07,700
Big tears means I am sad. This is not
fun.

1141
01:07:07,920 --> 01:07:09,420
I do not like this. I'm sad now.

1142
01:07:09,660 --> 01:07:10,660
That's what big tears say.

1143
01:07:11,540 --> 01:07:14,740
You can't risk it with little snivelly
allergy tears. That's a mixed message.

1144
01:07:14,820 --> 01:07:16,580
That's not clear. He doesn't, what do
you fucking want?

1145
01:07:17,160 --> 01:07:20,280
What do you want? He might go kill you a
squirrel and bring it back. He doesn't

1146
01:07:20,280 --> 01:07:21,280
know what you want.

1147
01:07:25,020 --> 01:07:28,860
So I'd start crying. I'd be like, you
know what? Forget it. And I would run

1148
01:07:28,860 --> 01:07:33,920
of my own house. I'd run outside. Now,
prior to starting this fight, I would

1149
01:07:33,920 --> 01:07:37,160
have gone into the street and set up
orange parking cones in the street.

1150
01:07:37,800 --> 01:07:42,020
Okay? Because for my ultimate fantasy
breakup, I want to have a street fight

1151
01:07:42,020 --> 01:07:43,020
breakup.

1152
01:07:44,280 --> 01:07:47,900
And anyone that's ever fought in a
street knows you need a designated

1153
01:07:47,900 --> 01:07:49,040
area. Okay?

1154
01:07:49,460 --> 01:07:52,600
That's a public thoroughfare. You can't
just run into it and start fighting.

1155
01:07:52,640 --> 01:07:54,640
This isn't West Side Story. You're going
to get hit by a Buick.

1156
01:07:56,420 --> 01:07:59,940
So I'd run outside and I'd run into the
comfort of the designated fighting area,

1157
01:08:00,000 --> 01:08:01,320
the DFA. I'd run into it.

1158
01:08:02,180 --> 01:08:06,100
Run into it. I'd immediately start
yelling. I hate you. Why am I yelling?

1159
01:08:06,300 --> 01:08:08,000
Cause I'm angry. I'm not angry.

1160
01:08:09,020 --> 01:08:10,360
Want the neighbors to come out.

1161
01:08:12,680 --> 01:08:15,840
The neighbors to come out. I want them
to see how you treat me. He treats me

1162
01:08:15,840 --> 01:08:16,840
fine.

1163
01:08:17,740 --> 01:08:20,160
Like it's fine. Like we got frozen
yogurt that morning. Like it's fine.

1164
01:08:21,840 --> 01:08:24,420
I want them to come out. I want their
energy.

1165
01:08:24,660 --> 01:08:25,779
I want their attention.

1166
01:08:26,100 --> 01:08:31,340
I need an audience. Like obviously. So
I'd have it set up and he'd.

1167
01:08:31,890 --> 01:08:34,390
Run out. He'd be like, Eliza, what is
your problem? Get back inside.

1168
01:08:34,630 --> 01:08:36,890
I'd be like, you don't tell me what to
do. I'm an independent woman. I listen

1169
01:08:36,890 --> 01:08:37,890
Beyonce. Surfboard.

1170
01:08:40,590 --> 01:08:41,590
Surfboard.

1171
01:08:42,229 --> 01:08:43,609
What does that mean? No one knows.

1172
01:08:45,630 --> 01:08:50,450
What are you so upset about? I feel
like, I just feel like, um, this is so

1173
01:08:50,450 --> 01:08:55,710
because I feel like I'm like letting you
down. I just feel like we don't even

1174
01:08:55,710 --> 01:08:57,790
talk anymore and

1175
01:09:00,680 --> 01:09:01,760
What we argue about.

1176
01:09:10,660 --> 01:09:12,399
You quoting Boyz II Men? Maybe.

1177
01:09:15,180 --> 01:09:18,720
I don't know why you're so upset. And
then I would begin. I just feel like,

1178
01:09:18,899 --> 01:09:23,300
I'm sorry. I just feel like, I just feel
like, why is this dry?

1179
01:09:30,600 --> 01:09:35,120
with a great girl i want you to be with
a great girl sort of and i want you to

1180
01:09:35,120 --> 01:09:39,399
be i feel like we have a really good
time together and you're wonderful but i

1181
01:09:39,399 --> 01:09:42,760
feel like i'm not the girl for you okay
is that it and we have fun but i don't

1182
01:09:42,760 --> 01:09:45,779
feel like we're gonna be together i feel
like we're just like wasting time and

1183
01:09:45,779 --> 01:09:49,500
we don't belong together i feel like we
don't really even know each other of

1184
01:09:49,500 --> 01:09:54,860
course we know each other of course i
know you really what's my middle name

1185
01:11:29,870 --> 01:11:30,870
Because I can.