1 00:00:04,025 --> 00:00:05,191 What are you making? 2 00:00:05,192 --> 00:00:06,607 Mashed cauliflower for my mom. 3 00:00:06,608 --> 00:00:07,857 She has dietary restrictions. 4 00:00:07,858 --> 00:00:10,191 Yes, I know. She has an angry bowel. 5 00:00:10,192 --> 00:00:11,524 It's irritable. 6 00:00:11,525 --> 00:00:13,649 Like your parents coming for Thanksgiving makes me. 7 00:00:13,650 --> 00:00:15,232 For the next six hours, I need you to be 8 00:00:15,233 --> 00:00:16,649 courteous, kind, and respectful. 9 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:17,774 That's not fair. 10 00:00:17,775 --> 00:00:20,899 That's like me asking you to catch a football. 11 00:00:20,900 --> 00:00:24,066 ...Jackson-- a perfectly thrown ball-- 12 00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:26,357 Hey! I was just about to look up at that. 13 00:00:27,567 --> 00:00:28,982 What are you doing? 14 00:00:28,983 --> 00:00:30,482 Making it look dusty and unused. 15 00:00:30,483 --> 00:00:31,941 My parents are coming, and I was raised-- 16 00:00:31,942 --> 00:00:33,982 Without a TV. Without a TV. 17 00:00:33,983 --> 00:00:36,191 Just because you grew up with the worst life imaginable-- 18 00:00:36,192 --> 00:00:37,274 I had books. 19 00:00:37,275 --> 00:00:38,899 We're saying the same thing-- 20 00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:41,441 doesn't mean we should suffer every time they visit. 21 00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:43,107 I don't want my dad to think we're slaves to technology. 22 00:00:44,317 --> 00:00:45,942 Oh, my God. 23 00:00:47,442 --> 00:00:48,274 Hey, give it back! 24 00:00:48,275 --> 00:00:49,357 Not happening. 25 00:00:49,358 --> 00:00:51,566 Dad, we all just watched that show 26 00:00:51,567 --> 00:00:52,857 about the Menendez Brothers. 27 00:00:52,858 --> 00:00:54,482 Let's think about this. 28 00:00:54,483 --> 00:00:56,566 You'll get them back when my parents have left. 29 00:00:56,567 --> 00:00:58,732 Until then, why not communicate the old-fashioned way-- 30 00:00:58,733 --> 00:01:00,649 using words and eye contact. 31 00:01:00,650 --> 00:01:03,483 Red-faced angry emoji. 32 00:01:06,942 --> 00:01:08,441 Guess who's ready for the holidays. 33 00:01:09,900 --> 00:01:11,691 Hans Gruber can't be here right now. 34 00:01:11,692 --> 00:01:13,816 Why? 35 00:01:13,817 --> 00:01:16,107 Because my dad can't find out we have a pet pig. Why? 36 00:01:16,108 --> 00:01:17,732 Because he wouldn't approve. Why? 37 00:01:17,733 --> 00:01:19,566 Because Grandpa doesn't like cute things. 38 00:01:19,567 --> 00:01:21,107 Why? Because I'm cute, 39 00:01:21,108 --> 00:01:22,482 and he didn't approve when Daddy married me. 40 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:23,274 That's not true. 41 00:01:23,275 --> 00:01:24,357 Why? 42 00:01:24,358 --> 00:01:25,691 Because I was beneath Daddy. 43 00:01:25,692 --> 00:01:27,024 You mean like the time 44 00:01:27,025 --> 00:01:27,900 I opened your door without knocking? 45 00:01:29,692 --> 00:01:32,524 You, take Hans Gruber upstairs and hide him in your room. 46 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,899 And you, take your hair out of that ponytail 47 00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,024 and make it look more festive. 48 00:01:36,025 --> 00:01:37,357 Want to give me styling tips? 49 00:01:37,358 --> 00:01:38,817 Yes, use a curling iron to give it a light bounce. 50 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:42,816 And you-- Actually, you're dressed appropriately 51 00:01:42,817 --> 00:01:44,232 and you're involved in ballet, something cultural. 52 00:01:44,233 --> 00:01:45,232 I have no notes for you. 53 00:01:45,233 --> 00:01:46,441 I'm the man. 54 00:01:46,442 --> 00:01:47,649 Actually, I do have a note for you. 55 00:01:47,650 --> 00:01:49,483 Be 30% less Oliver. 56 00:01:51,692 --> 00:01:54,274 You get so uptight when your parents visit. 57 00:01:54,275 --> 00:01:56,482 And you get uptight when it's your mom's year to come for Thanksgiving. 58 00:01:56,483 --> 00:01:59,149 That's because she's crazy, and that makes me crazy. 59 00:01:59,150 --> 00:02:01,482 But you don't see me turning myself inside out 60 00:02:01,483 --> 00:02:02,691 trying to please her. 61 00:02:02,692 --> 00:02:04,399 No, you just yell at her in front of company 62 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,482 and make everyone uncomfortable. 63 00:02:05,483 --> 00:02:08,316 I do that. Yeah. 64 00:02:08,317 --> 00:02:09,357 It's different for me. 65 00:02:09,358 --> 00:02:10,482 You have brothers and sisters. 66 00:02:10,483 --> 00:02:11,607 I'm an only child. 67 00:02:11,608 --> 00:02:13,732 All the attention falls on me. 68 00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:15,274 I have to make him proud. 69 00:02:15,275 --> 00:02:16,732 When are you going to stop trying 70 00:02:16,733 --> 00:02:18,024 to get your dad's approval? 71 00:02:18,025 --> 00:02:20,566 Right after this visit, when I finally get it. 72 00:02:20,567 --> 00:02:22,149 I sent him an early copy of my book-- 73 00:02:22,150 --> 00:02:23,399 "John Stuart Mill and the Consequences 74 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:25,316 of a Thoroughgoing Empiricist Outlook." 75 00:02:25,317 --> 00:02:27,607 JSM is his favorite utilitarian philosopher. 76 00:02:27,608 --> 00:02:30,858 Did you trade JSM's rookie card for a... 77 00:02:33,025 --> 00:02:35,774 If I knew another philosopher, I would've totally landed that. 78 00:02:35,775 --> 00:02:37,774 I just need you to get on board. 79 00:02:37,775 --> 00:02:39,274 Fine. 80 00:02:39,275 --> 00:02:40,941 But afterwards, you're gonna owe me. 81 00:02:40,942 --> 00:02:43,191 I want you do that special thing you know I like. 82 00:02:43,192 --> 00:02:44,566 Tell the kids you're out for the night 83 00:02:44,567 --> 00:02:46,107 when, really, you're just locked in our room 84 00:02:46,108 --> 00:02:47,357 with a coffee cup full of chocolate chips, 85 00:02:47,358 --> 00:02:48,857 watching "Beachfront Bargain Hunt?" 86 00:02:48,858 --> 00:02:50,649 Sounds so hot when you say it. 87 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:03,941 {\an8}Busted. 88 00:03:05,025 --> 00:03:06,649 {\an8}I need to get my phone back, 89 00:03:06,650 --> 00:03:08,857 {\an8}but I can't figure out the combination on the lock. 90 00:03:08,858 --> 00:03:10,732 {\an8}Why do you need your phone so bad? 91 00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:12,732 {\an8}Eyo texted, "I love you." 92 00:03:12,733 --> 00:03:13,607 And...? 93 00:03:13,608 --> 00:03:15,191 {\an8}He said, "I love you," 94 00:03:15,192 --> 00:03:16,899 {\an8}and that's the first time he's ever said that. 95 00:03:16,900 --> 00:03:17,816 {\an8}And before I could text him back, 96 00:03:17,817 --> 00:03:19,024 {\an8}Dad took my phone away. 97 00:03:19,025 --> 00:03:20,482 {\an8}Wow. 98 00:03:20,483 --> 00:03:22,482 {\an8}He's got to be thinking you're totally icing him out. 99 00:03:22,483 --> 00:03:23,316 I know! 100 00:03:23,317 --> 00:03:24,649 {\an8}Okay, listen. 101 00:03:24,650 --> 00:03:26,191 {\an8}The sooner Grandma and Grandpa leave, 102 00:03:26,192 --> 00:03:27,649 the sooner you'll get your phone back. 103 00:03:27,650 --> 00:03:29,024 {\an8}Right. 104 00:03:29,025 --> 00:03:31,482 {\an8}This Thanksgiving has to move fast. 105 00:03:31,483 --> 00:03:34,107 {\an8}Wait. 106 00:03:34,108 --> 00:03:35,774 {\an8}Ugh! 107 00:03:35,775 --> 00:03:38,274 {\an8}I thought it might be Mom's two favorite "Bachelor" seasons. 108 00:03:38,275 --> 00:03:40,107 13, 21. 13, 21. 109 00:03:43,442 --> 00:03:45,107 {\an8}Oh, I love that outfit. 110 00:03:45,108 --> 00:03:46,149 {\an8}This one? 111 00:03:46,150 --> 00:03:47,399 {\an8}The one you laid out on the bed for me 112 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,941 {\an8}with a note that says, "Please wear it. 113 00:03:48,942 --> 00:03:50,066 My mommy and daddy are coming?" 114 00:03:50,067 --> 00:03:51,566 {\an8}You added that last part. 115 00:03:51,567 --> 00:03:53,107 {\an8}You promised me you'd be on board. 116 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:55,107 {\an8}Fine! I'm on board. 117 00:03:55,108 --> 00:03:56,191 {\an8}But parents or no parents, 118 00:03:56,192 --> 00:03:57,857 {\an8}this button is getting unbuttoned 119 00:03:57,858 --> 00:03:59,482 {\an8}20 minutes after pumpkin pie. 120 00:03:59,483 --> 00:04:01,399 {\an8}Unh-unh. Unh-unh. 121 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,941 My parents are almost here, and I said no electronics. 122 00:04:02,942 --> 00:04:04,899 This is an assignment for school. 123 00:04:04,900 --> 00:04:07,482 I have to do a short film about my family's Thanksgiving. 124 00:04:07,483 --> 00:04:09,649 Okay, but when you use your camera 125 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:10,774 around Grandma and Grandpa, 126 00:04:10,775 --> 00:04:12,649 make sure you call it a "documentary." 127 00:04:13,358 --> 00:04:14,649 They're here. 128 00:04:14,650 --> 00:04:16,399 They're here! They're here! 129 00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:19,774 Everyone, look good. Have a mint. 130 00:04:19,775 --> 00:04:21,566 Oh! 131 00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:23,317 There's no time to pick them up. Just kick them in the vent! 132 00:04:27,775 --> 00:04:29,524 Spencer? 133 00:04:29,525 --> 00:04:31,482 Happy Thanksgiving. 134 00:04:31,483 --> 00:04:32,857 You invited an ex-con to our Thanksgiving? 135 00:04:32,858 --> 00:04:34,149 Yeah, he's all alone, 136 00:04:34,150 --> 00:04:35,732 and I wanted him to feel like family-- 137 00:04:35,733 --> 00:04:38,191 family you leave money to. 138 00:04:38,192 --> 00:04:39,482 What kind of person befriends someone 139 00:04:39,483 --> 00:04:40,649 just to get in their will? 140 00:04:40,650 --> 00:04:42,066 The kind who might not take care of his father 141 00:04:42,067 --> 00:04:43,192 if he keeps up the judgment. 142 00:04:44,275 --> 00:04:45,982 This is for you-- 143 00:04:45,983 --> 00:04:48,441 a rare Bordeaux I bought at auction. 144 00:04:48,442 --> 00:04:49,732 Do you have a decanter? 145 00:04:49,733 --> 00:04:52,232 I have a sun-tea jar. 146 00:04:52,233 --> 00:04:55,316 That's what they call decanters in Florida. 147 00:04:55,317 --> 00:04:56,732 I hear beeping. Who's holding? 148 00:04:56,733 --> 00:04:58,357 Taylor. It's not me. 149 00:04:58,358 --> 00:04:59,482 Oops. Sorry. 150 00:04:59,483 --> 00:05:01,482 I-- I guess if I go past there, 151 00:05:01,483 --> 00:05:03,900 my ankle monitor's out of range of my house. 152 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:07,899 I don't want my parole officer 153 00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:10,191 busting up your Thanksgiving party. 154 00:05:10,192 --> 00:05:13,066 Pearl's fun at first, but she wears on you. 155 00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:15,232 So sorry you can't stay. Nonsense. 156 00:05:15,233 --> 00:05:16,899 I'll go get the card table and set it up right here. 157 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:18,482 It's them. 158 00:05:18,483 --> 00:05:19,857 Anna-Kat, stop eating mints off the floor! 159 00:05:19,858 --> 00:05:21,192 I'll get it. No, that's okay. 160 00:05:22,692 --> 00:05:24,774 Ah, happy Thanksgiving. 161 00:05:24,775 --> 00:05:26,357 Spencer Blitz. 162 00:05:26,358 --> 00:05:29,149 You're that investment banker that they locked up. 163 00:05:29,150 --> 00:05:30,316 That's me. 164 00:05:30,317 --> 00:05:31,649 And now I'm your son's doorman 165 00:05:31,650 --> 00:05:33,982 who's never allowed to play the market again. 166 00:05:33,983 --> 00:05:36,107 Empire Energy's about to make a run. 167 00:05:36,108 --> 00:05:38,482 May I take your coat? 168 00:05:38,483 --> 00:05:40,232 Oh! Hi, honey! 169 00:05:40,233 --> 00:05:41,857 Hi, Mom. 170 00:05:41,858 --> 00:05:43,357 Hi, Dad. 171 00:05:43,358 --> 00:05:45,607 Any other criminal friends coming for dinner? 172 00:05:45,608 --> 00:05:46,982 Oh, no. 173 00:05:46,983 --> 00:05:48,941 Spencer's not my friend. He's Oliver's friend. 174 00:05:48,942 --> 00:05:51,024 Oh, a boy and his felon. 175 00:05:51,025 --> 00:05:52,399 Warms the heart. 176 00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:54,232 Happy Thanksgiving! 177 00:05:54,233 --> 00:05:55,899 Katie! 178 00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:58,566 There is the woman that my son insisted on marrying. 179 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:01,607 You. 180 00:06:01,608 --> 00:06:03,107 Anna-Kat: Grandma, grandpa! 181 00:06:03,108 --> 00:06:04,317 Oh! 182 00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,441 Thank you. That was perfectly handled. 183 00:06:08,442 --> 00:06:09,649 My secret is, I make a fist 184 00:06:09,650 --> 00:06:10,982 and dig my fingernails into my hand. 185 00:06:10,983 --> 00:06:12,232 See? 186 00:06:12,233 --> 00:06:13,482 Is that blood? 187 00:06:13,483 --> 00:06:15,691 Yeah. 188 00:06:15,692 --> 00:06:17,274 All right, everyone's here! 189 00:06:17,275 --> 00:06:18,691 Let's all go to the dinner table. 190 00:06:18,692 --> 00:06:21,316 The turkey still has two more hours to cook. 191 00:06:21,317 --> 00:06:23,732 I say screw the turkey and let's get on with it! 192 00:06:26,275 --> 00:06:28,149 Nice try speeding up Thanksgiving. 193 00:06:28,150 --> 00:06:31,149 Wait, what's that sound? 194 00:06:31,150 --> 00:06:32,816 It's Eyo weeping as he checks his phone 195 00:06:32,817 --> 00:06:34,524 for a text that never comes. 196 00:06:37,483 --> 00:06:38,857 Sorry about the card table, 197 00:06:38,858 --> 00:06:40,649 but it must be better than your last Thanksgiving 198 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:41,941 in federal prison. 199 00:06:41,942 --> 00:06:44,399 Oh, Guy Fieri was our guest chef. 200 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:46,316 Too spicy. Terrible! 201 00:06:46,317 --> 00:06:48,191 I've got sweatshirts for everyone 202 00:06:48,192 --> 00:06:49,607 from Oxford University! 203 00:06:49,608 --> 00:06:51,607 He teaches there in the summers. 204 00:06:51,608 --> 00:06:53,357 It's very prestigious. 205 00:06:53,358 --> 00:06:56,607 Yes, my job is prestigious, but, um... 206 00:06:56,608 --> 00:06:59,316 it's not the only thing that I'm proud of in my life. 207 00:06:59,317 --> 00:07:00,774 Greg? 208 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:05,816 Tell 'em about the time that I smoked Tony Blair at Scrabble. 209 00:07:05,817 --> 00:07:07,149 You just did, Dad. 210 00:07:07,150 --> 00:07:09,399 Greg is impressive, too. 211 00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,274 You should see the velvet-y professor thing 212 00:07:11,275 --> 00:07:14,107 he gets to wear around his neck at every graduation ceremony. 213 00:07:14,108 --> 00:07:15,982 It's like he teaches at Hogwarts! 214 00:07:15,983 --> 00:07:17,482 I'm good, honey. Thank you. 215 00:07:18,858 --> 00:07:20,232 I'll get it. 216 00:07:20,233 --> 00:07:22,857 Who is that? We're not expecting anyone else. 217 00:07:22,858 --> 00:07:24,982 Well, hello! 218 00:07:24,983 --> 00:07:26,857 Hello, everyone. 219 00:07:26,858 --> 00:07:28,399 Mom?! 220 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,524 You didn't tell me the stiffs were coming. 221 00:07:30,525 --> 00:07:31,941 I didn't tell you 222 00:07:31,942 --> 00:07:32,941 because you're not supposed to be here. 223 00:07:32,942 --> 00:07:34,399 You're supposed to be at Steph's. 224 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,232 Well, your sister got caught up in that travel ban, 225 00:07:36,233 --> 00:07:37,857 and now she's stuck in Turkey. 226 00:07:37,858 --> 00:07:40,607 And it didn't occur to you to call or give me a heads-up? 227 00:07:40,608 --> 00:07:42,482 What, so that you could come up with some dumb excuse 228 00:07:42,483 --> 00:07:43,482 for why I couldn't come? 229 00:07:43,483 --> 00:07:44,566 Absolutely not. 230 00:07:44,567 --> 00:07:46,316 I can still make an excuse. 231 00:07:46,317 --> 00:07:48,524 Oven's broken. House is being fumigated. 232 00:07:48,525 --> 00:07:51,399 Uh... stay away from me. You drive me [bleep] crazy. 233 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:53,191 You know, I haven't been here for 20 seconds, 234 00:07:53,192 --> 00:07:55,066 and you are already on my ass. 235 00:07:55,067 --> 00:07:57,482 Lucky for you I'm in a good mood. 236 00:07:57,483 --> 00:07:58,942 I had two road pinots. 237 00:08:00,275 --> 00:08:01,858 Katie, can I talk to you for a minute? 238 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,233 In private? 239 00:08:07,358 --> 00:08:09,274 Do you know how to make a whiskey sour? 240 00:08:11,733 --> 00:08:13,566 I can't believe your mom crashed Thanksgiving. 241 00:08:13,567 --> 00:08:14,732 She doesn't even think to call! 242 00:08:14,733 --> 00:08:16,482 It's bad enough we have an ex-con in the house. 243 00:08:16,483 --> 00:08:18,232 Now we'll have your soon-to-be-tipsy mom 244 00:08:18,233 --> 00:08:19,941 telling my parents dumb stewardess stories 245 00:08:19,942 --> 00:08:22,066 about how she had a layover with James Caan. 246 00:08:22,067 --> 00:08:23,274 She always stresses the "lay." 247 00:08:23,275 --> 00:08:25,691 You're saying that as though old Snooty and Tooty 248 00:08:25,692 --> 00:08:26,607 are too good for my mother. 249 00:08:26,608 --> 00:08:28,024 Oh, come on, Katie. 250 00:08:28,025 --> 00:08:30,107 My dad is a three-time National Dickens Scholar. 251 00:08:30,108 --> 00:08:33,607 James Caan was in "The Godfather I" and "II." 252 00:08:33,608 --> 00:08:34,566 What's your point? 253 00:08:34,567 --> 00:08:36,066 My point is that I would listen 254 00:08:36,067 --> 00:08:37,524 to my mom's stories till the end of time 255 00:08:37,525 --> 00:08:39,691 if it meant never having to hear your father go on 256 00:08:39,692 --> 00:08:40,732 about his favorite author. 257 00:08:40,733 --> 00:08:42,274 What's his name again? Scrotum? 258 00:08:42,275 --> 00:08:43,149 Balzac. 259 00:08:43,150 --> 00:08:44,149 I knew I was close. 260 00:08:44,150 --> 00:08:46,566 My parent is a world-famous scholar. 261 00:08:46,567 --> 00:08:48,316 Yours is a world-traveling tramp. 262 00:08:48,317 --> 00:08:50,441 That's it! I'm off board! 263 00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:53,524 I am going upstairs to change into my buffet pants! 264 00:09:00,525 --> 00:09:02,399 I'm going to be getting some slice-of-life footage. 265 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,941 Pretend I'm not here... 266 00:09:03,942 --> 00:09:06,024 unless you're giving out doughnut holes. 267 00:09:06,025 --> 00:09:07,982 Then I would like to be recognized. 268 00:09:09,025 --> 00:09:10,441 Read anything interesting lately? 269 00:09:10,442 --> 00:09:12,066 Oh, funny you should ask. Yes. 270 00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:15,441 I just re-read my old dissertation, 271 00:09:15,442 --> 00:09:17,316 and you can tell, from even a young age, 272 00:09:17,317 --> 00:09:19,024 I was something special. 273 00:09:22,233 --> 00:09:24,357 This is what you're wearing? Jeans? 274 00:09:24,358 --> 00:09:25,982 Yeah. 275 00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,441 And if you say anything more about it, 276 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:29,232 I'm losing the bra, and then all hell breaks loose. 277 00:09:29,233 --> 00:09:31,232 We had an agreement. 278 00:09:31,233 --> 00:09:34,857 Greg, can I speak to you one second in private? 279 00:09:34,858 --> 00:09:37,607 Okay, the appetizers are done. 280 00:09:37,608 --> 00:09:40,316 If I turn the oven to 600, will the turkey cook faster? 281 00:09:40,317 --> 00:09:42,357 It doesn't work that way. Grease would catch fire. 282 00:09:42,358 --> 00:09:43,524 The whole house would burn down. 283 00:09:43,525 --> 00:09:45,316 I'll be right back. 284 00:09:45,317 --> 00:09:47,316 Anna-Kat, give us a moment. 285 00:09:47,317 --> 00:09:50,107 Your, uh... sister's worried about a boy. 286 00:09:50,108 --> 00:09:51,441 How do you know that? 287 00:09:51,442 --> 00:09:53,732 Well, I spent my life learning how to read people. 288 00:09:53,733 --> 00:09:55,566 It's how I became successful in business 289 00:09:55,567 --> 00:09:58,149 and how I knew where the warden hid the flag 290 00:09:58,150 --> 00:09:59,566 when it was prisoners versus guards 291 00:09:59,567 --> 00:10:01,274 on Spirit Day. 292 00:10:01,275 --> 00:10:02,899 That sounds great. 293 00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:05,816 If I ever go to federal prison, I'm using you as a reference. 294 00:10:05,817 --> 00:10:07,732 I also see tension between your grandparents. 295 00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:09,607 Notice they're only holding hands 296 00:10:09,608 --> 00:10:12,024 by the fingertips. 297 00:10:12,025 --> 00:10:13,774 You're wrong about that one. 298 00:10:13,775 --> 00:10:16,191 My grandparents have always been the perfect couple. 299 00:10:16,192 --> 00:10:17,816 Trust me. 300 00:10:17,817 --> 00:10:19,524 People often put on an act 301 00:10:19,525 --> 00:10:22,442 when they're hiding their true intentions. 302 00:10:25,108 --> 00:10:26,649 I hear you have good wine. 303 00:10:26,650 --> 00:10:28,732 Oh, the best! 304 00:10:28,733 --> 00:10:30,941 It's from Thomas Jefferson's personal collection. 305 00:10:30,942 --> 00:10:32,524 One of only three bottles left. 306 00:10:34,275 --> 00:10:37,899 With age comes perfection. 307 00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:39,316 And wisdom. 308 00:10:39,317 --> 00:10:41,191 Goodbye. 309 00:10:41,192 --> 00:10:44,066 She is so into me! 310 00:10:44,067 --> 00:10:46,232 Whether it's arrogance or senility, 311 00:10:46,233 --> 00:10:47,983 you wear it well, my friend. 312 00:10:51,358 --> 00:10:53,482 I don't like how he treats you. 313 00:10:53,483 --> 00:10:55,816 Just admit that he is a cold, withholding jerk, 314 00:10:55,817 --> 00:10:57,274 and I'll get back on board. 315 00:10:57,275 --> 00:10:59,899 My father is a great man. If he is so great, 316 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:02,691 then why hasn't he said anything about your book? 317 00:11:02,692 --> 00:11:04,607 I'm sure there's a simple explanation. Okay. 318 00:11:04,608 --> 00:11:06,899 He doesn't have e-mail, so I sent him a copy. Mm-hmm. 319 00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:07,982 The package was too big for the slot, 320 00:11:07,983 --> 00:11:09,149 so they hid it behind the ficus. 321 00:11:09,150 --> 00:11:10,482 That's not a great hiding place. 322 00:11:10,483 --> 00:11:12,816 Someone could have taken it-- an animal, perhaps. 323 00:11:12,817 --> 00:11:13,982 Did you know that squirrels 324 00:11:13,983 --> 00:11:15,816 can carry up to ten times their own body weight? 325 00:11:15,817 --> 00:11:17,441 No, I didn't know that. 326 00:11:17,442 --> 00:11:19,399 But what I do know is I'm gonna go out there 327 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:21,191 and get plastered with my tramp mom, 328 00:11:21,192 --> 00:11:23,483 provided she is not abducted by squirrels. 329 00:11:24,858 --> 00:11:27,066 And then Jimmy Caan said, 330 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:29,941 "That was one hell of a lay over!" 331 00:11:29,942 --> 00:11:31,982 Tell the part where your leg slipped in the toilet, 332 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:34,274 and you had to do dinner service with a blue foot. 333 00:11:34,275 --> 00:11:36,357 No, that's okay. Let's go talk to Oliver. 334 00:11:36,358 --> 00:11:37,191 He's involved in ballet. 335 00:11:37,192 --> 00:11:39,025 Yes. Let's. 336 00:11:41,817 --> 00:11:44,066 It's so fun shocking them. 337 00:11:44,067 --> 00:11:46,066 You know, I haven't even broken the seal yet 338 00:11:46,067 --> 00:11:48,441 about the bi-curious stories yet. 339 00:11:48,442 --> 00:11:49,774 Look at us. 340 00:11:49,775 --> 00:11:51,899 We're finally getting along! 341 00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:53,482 Yeah, well... our tightest bond 342 00:11:53,483 --> 00:11:55,399 has always been in the criticism of others. 343 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,066 Oh, they are, without a doubt-- 344 00:11:58,067 --> 00:12:01,274 Anna-Kat, Mama is gonna say words she uses 345 00:12:01,275 --> 00:12:02,524 when she's behind 346 00:12:02,525 --> 00:12:04,149 someone writing a check at the grocery store. 347 00:12:04,150 --> 00:12:06,233 Could you film your grandparents instead? 348 00:12:08,108 --> 00:12:10,399 And Harvard's always looking for male ballerinos. 349 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,899 That's my ticket in. 350 00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:14,607 What complex machinations. 351 00:12:14,608 --> 00:12:17,982 Oh, wait, wait. Something's brewing. 352 00:12:17,983 --> 00:12:21,024 "Complexinations!" Well, hello, new word. 353 00:12:21,025 --> 00:12:23,899 Welcome to the world. 354 00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,024 There's actually quite a few cultural things happening 355 00:12:26,025 --> 00:12:28,149 in this house-- dancing... 356 00:12:28,150 --> 00:12:29,316 writing. 357 00:12:29,317 --> 00:12:30,317 Right. 358 00:12:33,525 --> 00:12:35,357 Oh, enough already. 359 00:12:35,358 --> 00:12:37,816 Thomas, have you read Greg's damn book? 360 00:12:37,817 --> 00:12:39,357 Uh... 361 00:12:39,358 --> 00:12:40,399 yes. 362 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:41,650 Thank you. 363 00:12:45,567 --> 00:12:48,899 Anything to add? 364 00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:54,316 You're welcome. 365 00:12:54,317 --> 00:12:56,149 Well, great. 366 00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,025 I was worried you had a squirrel problem. 367 00:13:03,025 --> 00:13:04,274 And Greg's father, that pompous jerk, 368 00:13:04,275 --> 00:13:06,232 just sat there and didn't say anything. 369 00:13:06,233 --> 00:13:08,857 That's when I snuck out and gave you guys the 911 text. 370 00:13:08,858 --> 00:13:10,357 Oh, well, I'm glad you did. 371 00:13:10,358 --> 00:13:12,024 I'm happy to get away from my family. 372 00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,399 I told them I was spotting and had to lie down. 373 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,232 No one questions you after you drop the word "spotting." 374 00:13:17,233 --> 00:13:18,441 Hm. 375 00:13:18,442 --> 00:13:19,982 Here's a twist. 376 00:13:19,983 --> 00:13:22,566 I'm getting along with my mom, but I'm mad at Greg 377 00:13:22,567 --> 00:13:25,107 and super-mad at the way his father treats him. 378 00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:26,941 So I'm both pissed at and protective of Greg. 379 00:13:26,942 --> 00:13:29,191 I'm very conflicted. 380 00:13:29,192 --> 00:13:30,649 Do you want to come back with me for moral support? 381 00:13:30,650 --> 00:13:32,232 Can't. I'm spotting. 382 00:13:32,233 --> 00:13:33,316 Me too. 383 00:13:35,192 --> 00:13:36,357 Back from the soup kitchen. 384 00:13:36,358 --> 00:13:37,524 What soup kitchen? 385 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:39,066 The one in here, honey. 386 00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:41,607 Okay. So just nonsense. Right. 387 00:13:41,608 --> 00:13:43,524 Okay! Mom is home! 388 00:13:43,525 --> 00:13:46,107 I would like to invite everybody to the dinner table. 389 00:13:46,108 --> 00:13:48,691 You're serving starches? They make me bloat. 390 00:13:48,692 --> 00:13:50,232 I can take a Zantac, but we'll have to wait for-- 391 00:13:50,233 --> 00:13:52,274 Let's just move to the damn table already! 392 00:13:52,275 --> 00:13:54,566 Come on. Ha! 393 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,775 All right. 394 00:13:58,942 --> 00:14:00,774 I'm really starting to like you. 395 00:14:00,775 --> 00:14:02,107 Thanks, Grandma. Yeah. 396 00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:04,566 Taylor, what in the world is going on with you? 397 00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:05,649 Dad took my phone. 398 00:14:05,650 --> 00:14:06,857 So...? 399 00:14:06,858 --> 00:14:08,816 Eyo texted "Happy Thanksgiving." 400 00:14:08,817 --> 00:14:10,441 And then he wrote, "I love you." 401 00:14:10,442 --> 00:14:11,899 L-U-V? 402 00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:13,274 L-O-V-E. 403 00:14:13,275 --> 00:14:14,608 Damn! 404 00:14:16,858 --> 00:14:19,274 I think Spencer's on to me about befriending him for his money. 405 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:20,649 Can you tell when I'm lying? 406 00:14:20,650 --> 00:14:22,149 I'm not sure. 407 00:14:22,150 --> 00:14:23,441 I really like your sweater. 408 00:14:23,442 --> 00:14:24,691 Thank you. 409 00:14:24,692 --> 00:14:25,399 Okay, good. You can't tell. 410 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:26,649 Very nice. 411 00:14:26,650 --> 00:14:27,732 Now, go get your sister for dinner. 412 00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:30,024 She's in her room editing her movie. 413 00:14:30,025 --> 00:14:31,316 Were you going to write back, "I love you too?" 414 00:14:31,317 --> 00:14:32,274 I guess so. 415 00:14:32,275 --> 00:14:33,482 Well, do you love him? 416 00:14:33,483 --> 00:14:34,732 I don't know. 417 00:14:34,733 --> 00:14:36,191 Then why would you tell him you do? 418 00:14:36,192 --> 00:14:37,732 It's just texting. 419 00:14:37,733 --> 00:14:39,191 No one expects you to be fully honest. 420 00:14:39,192 --> 00:14:42,024 Oh, I think I'm gonna like texting! 421 00:14:42,025 --> 00:14:44,149 Taylor, back when I was a stewardess, 422 00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,024 guys used to throw the word "love" at me 423 00:14:46,025 --> 00:14:48,691 as freely as they would throw Quaaludes. 424 00:14:48,692 --> 00:14:51,816 But you have to make sure the love is real. 425 00:14:51,817 --> 00:14:54,399 Or else you can wake up in a motel room in Akron 426 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:56,566 without a ride to the airport. 427 00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:57,982 I probably still have 'ludes 428 00:14:57,983 --> 00:14:59,899 caught between my couch cushions. 429 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:02,774 You're starting to grow on me. 430 00:15:02,775 --> 00:15:03,982 Don't worry about your phone. 431 00:15:03,983 --> 00:15:05,816 Go over to Eyo's now and talk to him. 432 00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,482 You need to do this face-to-face, 433 00:15:07,483 --> 00:15:09,191 see if it's real. 434 00:15:09,192 --> 00:15:10,108 Thanks, Mom. 435 00:15:13,192 --> 00:15:15,607 I finished my film. We have to watch it now. 436 00:15:15,608 --> 00:15:16,982 Why can't we watch it after dinner? 437 00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:18,191 Because after dinner, 438 00:15:18,192 --> 00:15:19,857 you start flashing the lights on and off, 439 00:15:19,858 --> 00:15:21,399 singing the song "Closing Time." 440 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,900 I can't believe it still works. We haven't used it in so long. 441 00:15:30,983 --> 00:15:35,441 And, yes, there will be a brief QandA after the screening. 442 00:15:37,983 --> 00:15:40,232 Thanksgiving means doing a lot of extra work 443 00:15:40,233 --> 00:15:42,399 for a woman who refuses to eat my food 444 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,567 and a man who insults my husband. 445 00:15:46,358 --> 00:15:47,941 Okay, very funny. 446 00:15:47,942 --> 00:15:50,566 Anna-Kat, make sure you erase that. 447 00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:53,149 Truth is, I've had all the money in the world, 448 00:15:53,150 --> 00:15:55,274 but Thanksgiving's always been 449 00:15:55,275 --> 00:15:58,066 a bit of a lonely holiday for me, 450 00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,524 because I've-- 451 00:15:59,525 --> 00:16:02,357 Well, I never made time for family. 452 00:16:02,358 --> 00:16:04,357 But I'm thankful to my new friend 453 00:16:04,358 --> 00:16:06,732 who has... 454 00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:09,316 become my family. 455 00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:20,232 Looks like your plan is working. 456 00:16:20,233 --> 00:16:22,982 Yeah. 457 00:16:29,150 --> 00:16:32,982 Thanksgiving! 458 00:16:32,983 --> 00:16:35,274 How's tenure coming? Oh, I think I'm on-track 459 00:16:35,275 --> 00:16:36,732 to make it in the next couple of years. 460 00:16:36,733 --> 00:16:40,232 Oh, I made tenure at 28. Hon, was it 28 or 29? 461 00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,191 I jest. We both know it was 28. 462 00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:46,942 Honey! Walk me to the powder room. 463 00:17:01,733 --> 00:17:05,107 Why are you always such an ass to Greg? 464 00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,691 I'm just giving him something to live up to. 465 00:17:07,692 --> 00:17:10,566 Oh! Like you're so great. 466 00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:13,024 We have to turn this off. Now. Here. 467 00:17:13,025 --> 00:17:13,982 Off! 468 00:17:13,983 --> 00:17:15,191 Um, Grandpa, 469 00:17:15,192 --> 00:17:18,982 that's a toy cellphone filled with jellybeans. 470 00:17:18,983 --> 00:17:20,691 Say what you will about Greg. 471 00:17:20,692 --> 00:17:24,107 He hasn't been hiding a second family 472 00:17:24,108 --> 00:17:26,982 in England for the last 20 years. 473 00:17:29,442 --> 00:17:31,316 He doesn't even go to England. 474 00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:32,942 That's not a fair comparison. 475 00:17:43,025 --> 00:17:46,107 ♪ Closing time ♪ 476 00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:48,982 Wait, you have a second family? 477 00:17:48,983 --> 00:17:50,982 How long have you known about this? 478 00:17:50,983 --> 00:17:53,482 Three months ago, his son called. 479 00:17:53,483 --> 00:17:54,982 Your genius father 480 00:17:54,983 --> 00:17:57,482 left his secret cellphone in his nightstand. 481 00:17:57,483 --> 00:17:59,316 You have a son? 482 00:17:59,317 --> 00:18:00,191 I have a brother? 483 00:18:00,192 --> 00:18:01,274 Greg. 484 00:18:01,275 --> 00:18:02,357 I'm not talking to you. 485 00:18:02,358 --> 00:18:04,692 No, my other son is also named Greg. 486 00:18:05,775 --> 00:18:06,982 Greg?! 487 00:18:06,983 --> 00:18:08,191 Why would you name him Greg?! 488 00:18:08,192 --> 00:18:10,316 You already have a son named Greg! 489 00:18:10,317 --> 00:18:13,900 So I wouldn't make a mistake and call you by the wrong name! 490 00:18:15,483 --> 00:18:16,649 Makes perfect sense! 491 00:18:16,650 --> 00:18:19,357 Shut up, just... 492 00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:21,941 shut up. 493 00:18:21,942 --> 00:18:23,482 You know, every time you visit, 494 00:18:23,483 --> 00:18:26,191 I put Katie and the kids through hell just to impress you. 495 00:18:26,192 --> 00:18:28,024 We put on this charade. 496 00:18:28,025 --> 00:18:29,149 The funny thing is, you're the one 497 00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:30,816 who's been putting on the charade. 498 00:18:30,817 --> 00:18:32,774 But now I see the real you. 499 00:18:32,775 --> 00:18:34,691 Well, Dad... 500 00:18:34,692 --> 00:18:36,232 this is the real me. 501 00:18:36,233 --> 00:18:37,857 We watch TV. 502 00:18:37,858 --> 00:18:39,649 Like, a lot of TV! 503 00:18:39,650 --> 00:18:41,441 We watch all of "The Bachelors"-- 504 00:18:41,442 --> 00:18:44,274 "Bachelorette," "Bachelor Pad," and even "Bachelor in Paradise." 505 00:18:44,275 --> 00:18:46,899 My kids love their cellphones. 506 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:49,316 Taylor already has arthritis in her right thumb. 507 00:18:49,317 --> 00:18:51,525 Oh, and you're going to be so disappointed in this! 508 00:18:58,275 --> 00:19:00,817 Do you know how to make a whiskey sour? 509 00:19:03,192 --> 00:19:04,482 Eyo and I broke up. 510 00:19:05,442 --> 00:19:06,566 What? 511 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,274 This is our family pet-- 512 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,107 a filthy, garbage-eating pig. 513 00:19:14,108 --> 00:19:16,566 My whole life, I've looked up to you. 514 00:19:16,567 --> 00:19:19,357 In my eyes, you couldn't do anything wrong. 515 00:19:19,358 --> 00:19:22,816 In your eyes, I couldn't do anything right. 516 00:19:22,817 --> 00:19:26,232 Well, it turns out, I did everything right! 517 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,149 I've got sometimes-great kids 518 00:19:28,150 --> 00:19:30,982 and an intermittently-great wife! 519 00:19:30,983 --> 00:19:33,774 I had planned on telling you about Greg, Greg. 520 00:19:33,775 --> 00:19:35,441 I'm not done. 521 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,482 I could give a rat's ass if you like my book or not. 522 00:19:37,483 --> 00:19:38,691 I like it! 523 00:19:38,692 --> 00:19:39,941 And it's damn good! 524 00:19:39,942 --> 00:19:40,941 Okay. 525 00:19:40,942 --> 00:19:42,691 Okay, you've had your little say. 526 00:19:42,692 --> 00:19:45,107 All right. We are getting out of here. 527 00:19:45,108 --> 00:19:47,316 Nobody speaks to me like this. 528 00:19:47,317 --> 00:19:49,441 Hey, Thomas. 529 00:19:49,442 --> 00:19:50,899 Here's a new word for you-- 530 00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,774 "ska-douche!" 531 00:19:52,775 --> 00:19:54,107 That's the sound the door makes 532 00:19:54,108 --> 00:19:55,733 when you kick a douche out of the house! 533 00:19:59,358 --> 00:20:01,441 You will always be my favorite, Greg! 534 00:20:01,442 --> 00:20:03,191 Because the other one isn't my son, 535 00:20:03,192 --> 00:20:05,192 and he has a whore for a mother. 536 00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:13,941 I feel... like I missed something. 537 00:20:13,942 --> 00:20:16,399 Little bit. 538 00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,274 You okay? 539 00:20:22,275 --> 00:20:23,857 I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty confused right now. 540 00:20:23,858 --> 00:20:26,899 Oh, honey. 541 00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:29,024 The bright side to this toilet fire is 542 00:20:29,025 --> 00:20:31,024 you're not an only child anymore. 543 00:20:31,025 --> 00:20:33,816 Yeah, that's true! Mm-hmm. 544 00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:37,191 How does that make you feel? 545 00:20:37,192 --> 00:20:39,191 Anna-Kat, you're not handing that in. 546 00:20:39,192 --> 00:20:40,858 We're just gonna take an "F" on this one. 547 00:20:45,108 --> 00:20:46,607 Olly, boy, I want to give you something. 548 00:20:46,608 --> 00:20:48,441 No! I don't want anything from you. 549 00:20:48,442 --> 00:20:50,441 Having you here is all I need. 550 00:20:50,442 --> 00:20:54,149 I wasn't giving you a $50,000 watch, you dummy. 551 00:20:54,150 --> 00:20:56,066 I just want you to take it and have it cleaned. 552 00:20:56,067 --> 00:20:58,607 Oh. 553 00:20:58,608 --> 00:21:01,274 {\an8}Appreciate the gesture. 554 00:21:01,275 --> 00:21:02,816 {\an8}I had my doubts about you, kid, 555 00:21:02,817 --> 00:21:04,817 {\an8}but it turned out I was reading you all wrong. 556 00:21:12,858 --> 00:21:15,524 {\an8}Sweetheart, let's head on out. 557 00:21:15,525 --> 00:21:17,524 {\an8}Yeah, let's go and dig through those couch cushions. 558 00:21:17,525 --> 00:21:19,232 {\an8}Ooh, yeah.