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CHRIS ROCK:
Everyone agrees that one of the most important days
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of the year is Mother's Day.
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ALL:
Happy Mother's Day!
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Oh, you guys
didn't have to do this.
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Everybody wants to show their
mama how much they love them.
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Even Tupac wrote a song about his mother.
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On Mother's Day, people pull out all the stops.
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You take your mother
to brunch...
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We're out of food.
I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
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If you could
come back next Sunday.
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What do you mean, next Sunday?
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We're out of food, Mama.
What you want me to do?
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Didn't I raise you
better than that?!
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You take her to a movie so she can wear a great big hat...
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and you spend
your last dime on her,
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just so she knows
she's number one.
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Oh, my God! Ha-ha-ha!Come on.
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Oh! Oh! Oh, I can't believe
you did this.
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But when it comes to Father's
Day, nobody gave a damn.
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It's Father's Day, people.
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Come on down
to Pastures and Shores.
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The food is half-price.
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Buenas noches.
¿Como se dice"half-off"?
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The movies are terrible...
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[ALL CLAMORING]
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Turn it off! Turn it off!
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The gifts suck...
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Ta-da!
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What the hell is this?
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It's a parking space, honey.
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We got you a parking space.
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This year, I wanted to get
my father the perfect gift,
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and the only way to do that was to ask him what he wanted.
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Dad, what present
do you want for Father's Day?
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Heh-heh, wanna get me
something for Father's Day?
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Help me knock off
one of these bills.
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ROCHELLE:
Julius...
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Okay.
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Father's Day...
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You know what?
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Y'all really wanna get me
something for Father's Day?
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I know exactly what I want.What's that, baby?
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A day off.
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You mean a day off from work?No.
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A day off from everything
and everybody.
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No fighting, no shouting,
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no complaining, no fixing.
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Just one day where I can do
whatever I feel like doing.
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I hope he doesn't want
to leave us for a white girl.
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[♪♪♪]
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♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪
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[♪♪♪]
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GREG:
So, wait, your dad says
he doesn't want anything?
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Nope. All he said was
he wanted to be all alone.
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Watch out. My mother said
she wanted a day alone.
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Next thing we knew, she left
and moved to Poughkeepsie.
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I don't care what he says.
I'm gonna get him something.
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My father said what he wanted.
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My mother said
what he was gonna get.
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What kind of gift is
a day off from your family?
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It's just one day.
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How is that supposed
to make the kids feel?
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Women always used
the kids against you.
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It's Father's Day and you
don't want to be a father.
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I did not say that.
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They're trying to honor you,
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and all you got to say is,
"Leave me the hell alone."
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I did not say,
"Leave me the hell alone."
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You may as well have.
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I haven't had a day
to myself in 13 years.
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If I didn't want
to be a father, I...
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That look means if you want
to keep being a father
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you better
keep your mouth shut.
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It is supposed to be our day
to do something special for you.
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That's what I'm trying to say.
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Why can't I do what
the hell I want to do?
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Huh? Say what?
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Uh... You got the keys?
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Well, what you gonna do here
all day by yourself anyway?
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Nothing.
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Well, can the kids at least
get you a real gift?
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What?
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What's that?Every Father's Day card
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and present I've gotten
for the past four years.
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Look at this.
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A box of S-Curl.I got you that.
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A macaroni cigar box.Oh, that's so cute.
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I got four ties: a necktie
a bow tie, bolo tie...
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I got him that.
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...and a clip-on tie.
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I don't even wear ties.
I don't go nowhere.
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That's $28.46 we could have used
on something else.
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Well, it's the thought
that counts.
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I appreciate it, I really do,
but if you buy me presents,
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I'm just gonna have to work
to pay it off.
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At this rate,
I'll be working when I'm dead.
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Julius, you're dead.
What are you doing here?
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Trying to pay off
these presents.
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Listen, can I work
the graveyard shift?
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Fine. Okay, then.
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Have your little stinky day off.
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But on your birthday,
I will promise you this.
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You will be getting a cake,
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and you will like it.Oh, I know.
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You better jump back
and kiss yourself.
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And, uh,
put up the groceries.
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Before your day off.
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Does he have any hobbies?
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Is taking naps a hobby?No.
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So, what are you getting
your dad for Father's Day?
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I don't know if "getting" is
right. It's more like "doing."
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Okay, so, what are you
doingfor your dad?
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Well, first, I'm making
his favorite breakfast,
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Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
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I tried to imagine
doing the things
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that Greg talked about
with my father.
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Like bringing him
Cap'n Crunch and cantaloupe.
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Are you crazy?
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Boy, you better
bring me some bacon.
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I thought about taking my dad
to the zoo to see penguins.
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We paid $3.50 to see
a bird that can't fly?
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What you gonna show me next,
rats that don't eat cheese?
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I even imagined us
shooting off bottle rockets
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in front of the house.
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[ROCKET SHRIEKING]
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[BOOMING EXPLOSION]
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[GUNSHOTS][PEOPLE YELLING]
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Run, boy, run!
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I wonder if Greg's dad
ever got shot at.
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You decided
what you're gonna do?
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I can't do the stuff
you talked about.
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I only have $27.
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That's not bad.
If I were you, I'd figure out
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what he needs
and just give him that.
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I wonder if it
would ruin our friendship
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if I smacked his eyebrows off?
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What you looking for, Chris?
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Oh, I'm trying to find my father
something for Father's Day.
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Heh, Father's Day.
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My daddy liked
guns, liquor and women.
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I guess he liked jail too.
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What does your daddy
like to do?
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That's the tough part.
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All he does is sleep and work.
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I know what that's like.
But I got just the thing.
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A Swiss LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.
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Well, he has
an alarm clock at home.
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What's he need one
in his watch for?
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You never know.
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[ALARM BEEPING]
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Oh!
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Thank goodness for this watch.
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Hm, I never thought of that.
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It's got a calculator too.
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He can figure out
how much anythingcosts.
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If it came
with a side of bacon,
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that would have been
the best gift in history.
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How much does it cost?
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Twenty-four ninety-five.
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He just made that up.I'll take it.
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How come Daddy doesn't wanna
be with us on Father's Day?
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Oh, baby, it's not
that your daddy
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doesn't wanna be with us,
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it's just that
he works hard all the time
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and wants to have
a little time to be by himself.
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Man, that's cool.
I can't wait until I'm a father
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so I can have this
whole house to myself.
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You are not gonna be
a father in this house,
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because I ain't
taking care of no babies.
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Lost your mind.
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Well, can we still
get him a present?
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Sure, baby.
What'd you have in mind?
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These.
See, I took Daddy's old slippers
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and put macaroni on them.
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Oh, baby, that's nice.
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I'm gonna help you
wrap them later.
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Can you help me wrap mine too?
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I'm making dad cologne.
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Where did you learn
how to make cologne?
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I saw it in the back
of a magazine.
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All I need is oil,
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something to give it
a little smell
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and, uh, alcohol.
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Then just leave it
in a jar for a week.
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Mama, since Daddy
wants to be by himself,
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what are we gonna do?
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We are gonna have some fun.
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Chris! Time to eat!
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Hey, Dad, what's all that stuff?It's a bunch of stuff
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guys on my route
got me for Father's Day.
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Oh, look at this.
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It's an LCD quartz
calculator alarm watch.
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It's the best gift I ever got.
Ha-ha!
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Maybe I could glue some
macaroni to his shoes.
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♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪
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[♪♪♪]
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ALL:
Happy Father's Day!
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Happy Father's Day, baby.
We love you.
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Oh-ho-ho!
I love y'all too. Yeah.
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Hey, y'all have fun today, okay?
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Daddy, aren't you
gonna read your card?
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Ooh, yeah. Let's see here.
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Oh. Oh!
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[CHUCKLES]
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"To the best dad
in the whole world." Oh.
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That's so sweet.
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Oh, thank you.
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Y'all enjoy y'all selves
today, all right? Okay, bye-bye.
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Dad, we made your favorite
thing for breakfast.
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I brought your gout pills,
so you can eat without worrying.
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Oh, man, bacon, eggs with
cheese, biscuits and butter.
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I feel like I died
and went to heaven.
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Oh!Thank you, baby.
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Oh, you're welcome, baby.
They did it all.
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When y'all leaving, huh?
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All right, in a minute.
And you're welcome.
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00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,856
And, baby, make sure you take
those pills, okay?
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All right. You guys go
get ready so we can go.
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Hurry up, now. Hurry up. Faster.
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00:10:00,904 --> 00:10:02,253
Isn't that sweet?There you go.
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00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:03,994
We have the best kids
in the world.
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Oh, yeah.They're so sweet.
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They are.
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That look means, "Ain't you
supposed to be leaving?"
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You better hurry up. I mean...
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You're gonna be late for
your, uh... The, um, ahem...
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Uh, the...
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Uh, what y'all doing?We're going to the museum.
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And to see the movie
Trading Places.
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Oh, that should be funny.Right. Right.
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So you better hurry up,
all right?
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00:10:25,842 --> 00:10:28,018
Okay, Julius, we're leaving.
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00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:30,499
Well, I'll be home
in time for dinner, okay?
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00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,153
Thank you. I love you.
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I love you too, baby.Thank you.
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00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:38,333
You have a good day.All right. Oh, I will.
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Get on out of here.Happy Father's Day!
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00:10:40,814 --> 00:10:42,119
Hey, enjoy yourself.I will.
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For my father to have one day
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where he could do
whatever he felt like doing
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was like finding
a million dollars.
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[♪♪♪]
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He slept on the couch.
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00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:04,489
He slept in the bed.
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00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:06,361
He slept
on the dining room table
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00:11:06,535 --> 00:11:08,493
and dreamt his favorite dreams.
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Seventeen cent worth of butter.
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He watched bowling.
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00:11:14,108 --> 00:11:14,935
Yeah!
250
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:16,893
Ha-ha-ha! Yes!
251
00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,982
He watched baseball.ANNOUNCER: Here's the pitch.
252
00:11:19,156 --> 00:11:20,723
It's gone!Yeah!
253
00:11:20,897 --> 00:11:22,203
CHRIS ROCK:
He watched golf.
254
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:23,987
ANNOUNCER:
On it's way, and it's in.
255
00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:26,773
Oh-ho-ho, yeah!
256
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:31,560
CHRIS ROCK:
He even did stuff we didn't
know he did, like painting.
257
00:11:31,734 --> 00:11:33,301
While my father
was doing things
258
00:11:33,475 --> 00:11:35,259
he wouldn't do
while we were around,
259
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:37,261
we were doing things
we wouldn't do
260
00:11:37,435 --> 00:11:38,610
while he was around.
261
00:11:38,785 --> 00:11:41,048
Okay, y'all stay
where I can see you.
262
00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:43,006
All right, now,
you sure about this?
263
00:11:43,180 --> 00:11:45,356
Mr. Harris gave me
my money back on the watch,
264
00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:48,577
so I wanted to see if I can
find Dad something he'll like.
265
00:11:48,751 --> 00:11:50,884
Okay. But gift or no gift,
266
00:11:51,058 --> 00:11:53,451
if you're not home by 6:30,
I'm calling the police.
267
00:11:53,625 --> 00:11:56,193
My mother always told us
if we weren't home on time,
268
00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:58,587
she was calling the police.
269
00:11:58,761 --> 00:12:00,632
Here.What's this?
270
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,069
Oh, it's money
I was gonna use
271
00:12:02,243 --> 00:12:04,158
to buy a gift for your dad.Thanks.
272
00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:06,334
You're welcome, baby.
Be careful.
273
00:12:06,508 --> 00:12:08,423
The only thing tougher
than finding a gift
274
00:12:08,597 --> 00:12:10,251
for the man that has everything
275
00:12:10,425 --> 00:12:12,862
is finding one for the man
that wants nothing.
276
00:12:15,038 --> 00:12:16,823
The only time
my father wore a suit
277
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:20,914
was at funerals, graduations
and on laundry day.
278
00:12:21,088 --> 00:12:22,785
The closest
my father got to jewelry
279
00:12:22,959 --> 00:12:25,135
was listening to Neil Diamond.
280
00:12:25,309 --> 00:12:27,747
I hope it lasts
as long as the payments.
281
00:12:29,531 --> 00:12:31,446
I wasn't sure
if he would feed the rabbit,
282
00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:33,622
or use the rabbit to feed us.
283
00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:36,233
And let's just say he wasn't the leg warmer type.
284
00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,630
While I was trying to figure
out what to get my father,
285
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:43,284
my mother was trying
to figure out
286
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,765
what she had gotten
herself into.
287
00:12:47,505 --> 00:12:49,551
What is that?
288
00:12:49,725 --> 00:12:52,902
Well, honey, that's art.
289
00:12:53,076 --> 00:12:55,122
You sure?
Looks like somebody got shot
290
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:56,688
and fell in a bucket
of mustard.
291
00:12:56,863 --> 00:12:58,778
Be quiet, boy.
292
00:12:58,952 --> 00:13:00,518
This is culture.
293
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,825
How much more culture
do we have to get?
294
00:13:02,999 --> 00:13:05,001
Girl, just look
at the picture.
295
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:07,743
[GROUP CHATTERING]
296
00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:09,440
[CHILD LAUGHS]
297
00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:13,967
I wish Dad was here.
298
00:13:14,141 --> 00:13:15,664
Maybe he could explain this.
299
00:13:20,669 --> 00:13:22,192
Hey, Risky?Hold up, little man.
300
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:24,455
I had looked for a gift
everywhere I could,
301
00:13:24,629 --> 00:13:27,154
so I decided to look
somewhere I shouldn't have.
302
00:13:27,328 --> 00:13:29,504
What kind of stuff
do you have for Father's Day?
303
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:32,072
Father's Day?
That ain't a big one for me.
304
00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:34,726
There ain't none but four
fathers in the neighborhood.
305
00:13:34,901 --> 00:13:38,165
Now, Mother's Day, I had
a whole bunch of stuff.
306
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:40,645
How much you got to spend?Thirty-seven dollars.
307
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:43,126
Thirty-seven dollars?
You knock over a liquor store?
308
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:45,128
I saved up.Man,
309
00:13:45,302 --> 00:13:47,609
keep saving like that,
you'll be rich in a minute.
310
00:13:47,783 --> 00:13:50,351
Maybe then I can buy one of those pink sweaters, like him.
311
00:13:50,525 --> 00:13:52,527
Your old man like music?Who's that?
312
00:13:52,701 --> 00:13:54,181
Oh.
313
00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:55,573
We got John Travolta,
314
00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:58,663
William Shatner.
Oh! Liberace.
315
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,797
That's for fathers that were
too old for Elton John.
316
00:14:01,971 --> 00:14:04,539
No, thanks.
What else you got?
317
00:14:04,713 --> 00:14:06,367
Uh... Oh!
318
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,630
How about these... for your mom?
319
00:14:08,804 --> 00:14:12,112
For Father's Day?Yeah. For him to give to her.
320
00:14:12,286 --> 00:14:13,896
No.
321
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:17,378
Uh, I'm sorry I can't
help you out, young blood,
322
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:20,163
but, hey, you come back
Mother's Day, I'll hook you up.
323
00:14:20,337 --> 00:14:22,078
Listen, watch this
for a few minutes.
324
00:14:22,252 --> 00:14:24,472
I'm gonna run across the street,
pay my light bill. All right?
325
00:14:24,646 --> 00:14:26,169
Sure.
326
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:29,172
Tell your daddy to call me
and happy Father's Day.
327
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:33,742
Back at home, my father still
had the house to himself...
328
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:36,179
Rochelle?
329
00:14:36,353 --> 00:14:37,398
Chris?
330
00:14:37,572 --> 00:14:39,095
...whether he liked it or not.
331
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:41,445
ANNOUNCER:
And if you order now,
332
00:14:41,619 --> 00:14:43,970
you'll get this set
of microwavable...
333
00:14:44,144 --> 00:14:46,233
MAN:
In the city
that never sleeps...
334
00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:49,323
WOMAN:
Psychic Station
TV Network...
335
00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:52,195
MAN:
This proud father goose
is no exception.
336
00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:55,198
He graciously watches over
and protects his chicks,
337
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:57,505
assuring their safety
until they are old enough
338
00:14:57,679 --> 00:14:59,550
to fend for themselves.
339
00:14:59,724 --> 00:15:02,249
In the wild, babies are
almost never abandoned
340
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:05,121
and rarely left alone for
any extended period of time.
341
00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:06,993
CHRIS ROCK:
A great man once said,
342
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,386
"Nothing screams louder
than the sound of silence."
343
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:11,432
I think it was Nipsy Russell.
344
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:16,002
Thank you. Enjoy your show.
345
00:15:16,176 --> 00:15:18,830
Hi. Um, can I have
one adult, two children
346
00:15:19,005 --> 00:15:20,832
for Trading Places,please?
347
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:24,445
You mustthink I'm a fool.
348
00:15:24,619 --> 00:15:26,403
You want me to believe
he's under 12?
349
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:29,015
JULIUS:
Yeah, she does.
350
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:30,973
TONYA: Daddy!DREW: Dad!
351
00:15:31,147 --> 00:15:32,540
ROCHELLE:
What are you doing here?
352
00:15:32,714 --> 00:15:34,629
I missed you guys.
353
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,544
Father's Day
without your family...
354
00:15:36,718 --> 00:15:39,329
it's like not being a father.
355
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,288
That look means,
356
00:15:41,462 --> 00:15:43,899
"That's what I was trying
to tell your stupid ass!"
357
00:15:44,073 --> 00:15:45,161
Come here.
358
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:49,557
Where's Chris?Oh, he went to buy you a gift.
359
00:15:49,731 --> 00:15:52,168
But I told...Julius, please, just promise me
360
00:15:52,342 --> 00:15:55,824
you will act like it's the best
gift you've ever gotten.
361
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:58,218
I promise.All right.
362
00:15:58,392 --> 00:15:59,610
All right.
363
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,830
Uh, that'll be two kids,
two adults
364
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:05,355
for, uh, Trading Places.
365
00:16:05,529 --> 00:16:07,401
There you go.What's this?
366
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:10,012
Father's Day special,
two for one.
367
00:16:10,186 --> 00:16:11,666
[REGISTER BEEPING]
368
00:16:15,583 --> 00:16:17,324
Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
369
00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:18,978
I made these for you.
370
00:16:19,152 --> 00:16:20,805
I know you said
don't get you a gift,
371
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,417
but I wanted something
in case you changed your mind.
372
00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:27,725
Oh! Macaroni-covered
slippers! Ha-ha!
373
00:16:27,899 --> 00:16:30,685
It goes with the macaroni
cigar box I got last year.
374
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:31,729
I know.
375
00:16:33,514 --> 00:16:35,037
Dad, I got something
for you too.
376
00:16:35,211 --> 00:16:36,647
Oh, what's this?
377
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:40,042
A bottle of iodine?
378
00:16:40,216 --> 00:16:42,218
No, no, no, it's cologne.
I made it myself.
379
00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:44,655
I just couldn't find
a bottle to put it in,
380
00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,962
so I poured the iodine out
and put it in there.
381
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:49,269
Boy, that iodine cost 99...
382
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:50,357
[CLEARS THROAT]
383
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,491
[DOOR OPENS][SNIFFS]
384
00:16:54,665 --> 00:16:56,493
Mm, that smells good.
385
00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:59,018
Ha-ha, thank you, Drew.ROCHELLE: Oh, that's nice.
386
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:01,281
Oh, man, thank you so much.Chris?
387
00:17:01,455 --> 00:17:03,326
You know I was about
to call the police, right?
388
00:17:03,500 --> 00:17:05,241
Hey, Chris, where you been?
389
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:07,765
I was trying to find you
a gift for Father's Day.
390
00:17:07,939 --> 00:17:09,071
[MOUTHING WORDS]
391
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:10,986
Well, I'm sure whatever you got,
392
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,466
it's fine.
393
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,294
That's the thing.
I looked all over,
394
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:17,601
but I couldn't find you anything
I thought you would like.
395
00:17:17,775 --> 00:17:19,821
Doesn't matter.
It's the thought that counts.
396
00:17:19,995 --> 00:17:21,823
So did you find something?
397
00:17:21,997 --> 00:17:23,738
Not really.
398
00:17:23,912 --> 00:17:25,740
It's more of,
I did something for you.
399
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:28,134
[♪♪♪]
400
00:17:33,226 --> 00:17:36,620
What? What is it?
401
00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:38,448
It's a receipt.
402
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:40,189
He paid the electric bill.
403
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:43,975
Oh, baby, that is so...
404
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:46,369
CHRIS:
When I asked if I
could get you anything,
405
00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:48,980
you said I could help you
knock out a bill.
406
00:17:49,155 --> 00:17:51,374
That was the only one
I could afford.
407
00:17:52,810 --> 00:17:54,899
Thanks, son.
408
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:57,598
My father never really cared
much about presents,
409
00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,904
but giving him a reason
to smile
410
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,081
was the best thing
I could ever do for him.
411
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:05,171
This is the best gift
I ever got.
412
00:18:05,345 --> 00:18:09,131
I'll remember this forever.Happy Father's Day.
413
00:18:09,305 --> 00:18:10,480
I'm proud of you, Chris.
414
00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:12,613
Becoming more
of a man every day.
415
00:18:12,787 --> 00:18:14,005
Thanks, Dad.
416
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,616
You know, I was thinking,
417
00:18:15,790 --> 00:18:17,792
it might be a good idea
if you get a job
418
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:19,750
and start paying a bill
every month.
419
00:18:19,924 --> 00:18:24,103
♪ Everybody hates Chris ♪
420
00:18:27,932 --> 00:18:30,761
Stay tuned for scenes
from our next episode.
421
00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:36,550
[♪♪♪]
422
00:18:36,724 --> 00:18:39,335
♪ Aw, make it funky now ♪