1 00:00:06,374 --> 00:00:09,277 Oh, Isaac, just who I was looking for. 2 00:00:09,377 --> 00:00:10,511 I have something for you. 3 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,280 A gift for me? Whatever for? 4 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:15,015 I just got the advance for your biography from the publisher 5 00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,285 and I wanted to give you something to say thank you. 6 00:00:17,385 --> 00:00:18,752 Ooh, classy move, babe. 7 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:21,455 Can I open it since Isaac can't use his hands? 8 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,656 I know Jay's offering to help, 9 00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,325 but it feels like he's rubbing it in. 10 00:00:24,425 --> 00:00:26,427 Oh...! 11 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:28,196 Nice, babe. A scented candle. 12 00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:29,930 Because they can smell. 13 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,699 Mm. (sniffs) 14 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,301 So how much was the advance? 15 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,035 $20,000. 16 00:00:35,136 --> 00:00:37,438 My God. You could buy Delaware. 17 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,074 Okay, hold on, Sam, you get $20,000 18 00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:42,210 and all Isaac gets is a candle? 19 00:00:42,310 --> 00:00:44,778 Which cost...? $12. 20 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,080 Plus tax. 21 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:48,216 Sasappis brings up an interesting point. 22 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:50,918 I am the subject of the book and your collaborator. 23 00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:54,222 Shouldn't I be entitled to half the compensation? 24 00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:56,790 Isaac thinks we should split the advance with him. 25 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,427 (chuckles) A ghost wants $10,000? 26 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:01,462 NIGEL: I stand with Isaac. 27 00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,097 You can't just exploit his labor 28 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:05,699 and take all the profits for yourself. HETTY: Agreed. 29 00:01:05,799 --> 00:01:07,835 He's not a child in your iron foundry. 30 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,271 I mean, none of this would be happening 31 00:01:10,371 --> 00:01:11,505 if it weren't for Isaac. 32 00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,073 ISAAC: Ooh, she's about to surrender. 33 00:01:13,174 --> 00:01:14,742 Nigel, this must take you back. 34 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:15,909 Okay, fine. 35 00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:17,778 Isaac, we can split the advance. 36 00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,447 Huzzah! 37 00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,115 We haven't been on a vacation in three years 38 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,717 but now a ghost has $10,000. 39 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,453 (chuckling) I can buy Rhode Island. 40 00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,788 ♪ ♪ 41 00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:32,059 ♪ ♪ 42 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,827 Hello, Alberta. 43 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:38,332 Okay, I know that you're mad about the whole 44 00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,634 "my son murdering you and me not telling you 45 00:01:40,734 --> 00:01:42,136 about it for a hundred years," 46 00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,472 but, but... how long do you intend to freeze me out? 47 00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:45,706 Flower, can you please tell Hetty 48 00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,107 I'm still not talking to her? 49 00:01:47,208 --> 00:01:50,944 Hetty, Alberta wants me to tell you that-- 50 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,213 Wait, I just had it. 51 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,414 Never mind. 52 00:01:53,514 --> 00:01:55,149 (doorbell chimes) 53 00:01:55,249 --> 00:01:57,285 Hi. SAMANTHA: Hi. 54 00:01:57,385 --> 00:01:59,220 I'm Sam, can I help you? 55 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:00,521 I'm Kelsey Foster. 56 00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,256 Okay, this is gonna sound kind of weird, 57 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,992 but my mom was an exotic dancer back in the '90s. 58 00:02:05,092 --> 00:02:06,394 I don't know where this is headed, 59 00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:07,628 but I like the way it started. 60 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,862 Anyway, I only recently found out 61 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,764 that she had a sort of office romance 62 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,566 with a client named David Woodstone. 63 00:02:12,666 --> 00:02:14,001 That was my Uncle David. 64 00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,704 And my boy. Who dump your body in lake. 65 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:18,206 Just that one time. KELSEY: Yeah, well, 66 00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,208 I think we're related because your Uncle David 67 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:23,211 knocked up my mom, and then nine months later... ta-da. 68 00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:25,145 Oh, my God! KELSEY: Little family history, 69 00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:26,714 "ta-da" is actually what my mom used to yell 70 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:28,182 when she would take her top off onstage. 71 00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:31,419 And I am now realizing what exotic dancer means. 72 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:34,622 So nice to have that in the gene pool. SAMANTHA: This is amazing. 73 00:02:34,722 --> 00:02:37,225 I can't believe this. I hardly have any family. 74 00:02:37,325 --> 00:02:39,393 I know, I'm so excited. You should totally stay. 75 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,094 We have some openings this weekend. 76 00:02:41,195 --> 00:02:42,730 And it's on the house. 77 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,698 So, you own this place? SAMANTHA: Yeah. 78 00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:46,334 I inherited it a couple years ago 79 00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:49,136 from my Great Aunt Sophie, who was actually David's mom. 80 00:02:49,237 --> 00:02:53,173 Which would make Sophie this woman's grandmother. 81 00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:54,242 KELSEY: Yeah. 82 00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,043 That's actually why I'm here. 83 00:02:56,143 --> 00:02:58,579 See, the thing is, I'm actually more of a Woodstone 84 00:02:58,679 --> 00:02:59,980 than you are, turns out. 85 00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,115 What are you saying? 86 00:03:02,216 --> 00:03:03,917 You seem really cool, 87 00:03:04,017 --> 00:03:06,254 and I don't want this to affect our relationship, but... 88 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:08,188 I think this house, 89 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,990 technically, 90 00:03:10,090 --> 00:03:11,592 belongs to me. 91 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:12,860 ♪ ♪ 92 00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,528 PETE: Hetty and Alberta... 93 00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,630 It's been a week and the rift between you guys 94 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,131 is starting to affect the whole house. 95 00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:19,667 That's why we've asked you here today. 96 00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:20,934 SASAPPIS: In keeping with the bylaws 97 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,770 outlined in the Woodstone Accords, 98 00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:26,106 we've decided to convene Ghost Court. I'm sorry, Ghost Court? 99 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,775 When two or more ghosts have a conflict 100 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:29,343 that there doesn't seem to be a resolution for, 101 00:03:29,443 --> 00:03:30,544 we convene a council 102 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,413 to agree on an appropriate punishment 103 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:33,814 so we can put the matter behind us. 104 00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:35,549 How wonderfully bureaucratic. 105 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:36,717 Is this really necessary? 106 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,085 Oh, it's necessary. 107 00:03:38,185 --> 00:03:40,754 It's time to pay the piper, Hetty Woodstone. 108 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,657 Then it's official. Ghost Court is in session. 109 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,826 FLOWER: Although, it is almost noon. 110 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,661 Should we figure out what we're smelling for lunch first? 111 00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:49,129 Great point, uh... 112 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,098 We smell lunch and then, Ghost Court is in session. 113 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,268 Although, does an afternoon start feel like 114 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:55,803 might get a little bit sleepy? 115 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:57,137 Ah. 116 00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,205 Hit the ground running tomorrow. Great. 117 00:03:58,306 --> 00:03:59,373 (sighs) 118 00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,975 The wheels of justice grind slowly. 119 00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:03,911 So, what do we do here, Dan? DAN (over laptop): Well, look, 120 00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:05,646 if she's telling the truth, she has a claim. 121 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,247 Now, that being said, there's a lot scammers. 122 00:04:07,348 --> 00:04:09,149 So, I'm gonna send my DNA guy up there. 123 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:12,185 Absolute best in the biz. Does all of Jeter's stuff. 124 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,554 Are you allowed to tell us that? 125 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,222 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Who's the lawyer now, Jay? 126 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:17,090 Okay? I love it. I love you. 127 00:04:17,190 --> 00:04:20,260 He remind me of guy I knew who sold used longships. SAMANTHA: Okay. 128 00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:21,562 Well, that's a relief. 129 00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:22,563 So, you think it's probably nothing? 130 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:23,797 Well, you know what? Look. 131 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,899 The only thing that does give me pause is 132 00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,701 our firm has been representing 133 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,537 the Woodstone family for decades. 134 00:04:29,637 --> 00:04:31,071 And without getting into details, 135 00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:33,507 I do know that Davey Woodstone, let's just say, 136 00:04:33,607 --> 00:04:38,111 had... an enthusiasm for exotic dancers. 137 00:04:38,211 --> 00:04:39,279 Yeah, he did. 138 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,515 Again, he dump your body in lake. 139 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,051 Doesn't mean I can't be proud of my bro. 140 00:04:44,151 --> 00:04:45,386 Pizza oven. 141 00:04:45,486 --> 00:04:46,654 You got to use your money to buy a pizza oven. 142 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:49,056 I've never been overly fond of pizza. 143 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:51,792 Now a quail oven, though, is that a thing? 144 00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:53,994 You should donate the money. Save the narwhals. 145 00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:56,397 Screw that, get a new water heater. 146 00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:57,831 Let's party. 147 00:04:57,931 --> 00:05:00,401 Okay, thank you for your suggestions, 148 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,769 but this is Isaac's money 149 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:03,103 and I think he should spend it 150 00:05:03,203 --> 00:05:04,171 as he sees fit. 151 00:05:04,271 --> 00:05:05,539 Thank you, Nigel. 152 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,040 And the truth is, 153 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:09,076 I've already decided what I'm spending the money on. 154 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,077 Oh. 155 00:05:10,177 --> 00:05:11,445 A new daybed! 156 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,381 A new daybed? 157 00:05:13,481 --> 00:05:16,049 I saw it in a catalog for this emporium called 158 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,951 the Pottery Barn, and I must have it. 159 00:05:18,051 --> 00:05:21,755 And this daybed would presumably sleep just one? 160 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:24,324 Like your current daybed? 161 00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,893 I mean, I guess so. 162 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:29,997 Mm. Well, that's just lovely! 163 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,568 Okay, does anyone know what that was about? 164 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:35,836 SASAPPIS: Isaac, don't you see? 165 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,805 This daybed is not just a daybed. 166 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:40,641 It's a sign that you don't want to get more serious. 167 00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:41,875 I recently had a girlfriend for a week, 168 00:05:41,975 --> 00:05:43,477 so I know what I'm talking about. 169 00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,179 I mean, I did just ask Nigel to move in. 170 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:49,149 Yeah, to the mansion, but not into your room. 171 00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:52,620 And now by getting this new bed that only sleeps one, 172 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:56,590 you're showing you're nowhere near making a real commitment. 173 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,091 Which, honestly, 174 00:05:58,191 --> 00:06:01,929 I respect as a "hit it and quit it" kind of girl. 175 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,263 Oh, dear. 176 00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:05,866 This money, it's complicating everything. 177 00:06:05,966 --> 00:06:07,835 (sighs) I'd be better just washing my hands of it. 178 00:06:07,935 --> 00:06:09,202 SASAPPIS: Ironic. 179 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,838 If you'd washed your hands 250 years ago, 180 00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:12,473 you wouldn't have pooped yourself to death. 181 00:06:12,573 --> 00:06:15,308 Thank you, Sass. 182 00:06:15,409 --> 00:06:16,977 DAN: Okay, so, 183 00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:18,746 inside this manila envelope 184 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,348 are the results to Kelsey's DNA test. 185 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,683 What is DNA? 186 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:26,086 Stand for deoxyribonucleic acid. 187 00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:28,622 They explain on O.J. Simpson episode of 188 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,957 How 'Bout Those Nineties. 189 00:06:30,057 --> 00:06:31,525 KELSEY: I just want to say, 190 00:06:31,625 --> 00:06:34,662 no matter what happens, Sam, we'll always be family. 191 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,396 Thank you, Kelsey. 192 00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:38,566 But if this does go my way, 193 00:06:38,666 --> 00:06:39,600 is the furniture included? 194 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:40,601 This was all here, right? 195 00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:41,869 Absolutely. 196 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:43,003 Dude, whose lawyer are you? 197 00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,237 Well, technically I represent 198 00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:45,372 the Woodstone Estate. 199 00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:46,907 So I guess... Hey-oh! 200 00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,376 We're about to find out. 201 00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:51,144 God, it's like an episode of Maury. Who? 202 00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:54,247 TV show host also from '90s who reveal baby daddies 203 00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,484 and send problematic teens to boot camp. 204 00:06:56,584 --> 00:06:57,485 Oh, my. 205 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,419 What? What is it? 206 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,754 Wow. 207 00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,155 Oh, I mean, this is frustrating for y'all, 208 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,825 but as an entertainer, I respect his showmanship. 209 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,894 And the owner of the mansion is... 210 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:10,531 ♪ ♪ 211 00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:13,567 (quietly): Ooh, this guy's good. 212 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:14,868 She's in this room. 213 00:07:14,968 --> 00:07:16,336 Dan! It's Kelsey, I'm sorry. 214 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,538 It's Kelsey, it's Kelsey. 215 00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:20,774 (squeals) (laughs) Congratulations. 216 00:07:25,679 --> 00:07:27,114 I can't believe this. I finally get a cousin, 217 00:07:27,214 --> 00:07:29,382 and one day later, she's taking the house from us? 218 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:31,318 What about us? We're going to lose you. 219 00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,853 Just when we finally got a Living 220 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:34,888 who can serve us... 221 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:36,824 See us. See us. 222 00:07:36,924 --> 00:07:38,492 Thor and I have a plan. 223 00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,793 You push Kelsey down the stairs. 224 00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:41,629 Either she dies and your problem is solved, 225 00:07:41,729 --> 00:07:43,497 or she can see ghosts, and then our problem is solved. 226 00:07:43,597 --> 00:07:45,833 THORFINN: Though we will miss you. 227 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,367 Even though we now have Kelsey to help us. 228 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,570 Okay, interesting development. 229 00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,171 Dan says Kelsey is willing to pay us 230 00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,674 a settlement to avoid dragging things out in court. 231 00:07:53,774 --> 00:07:55,976 Way less than what the house is worth, 232 00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:57,244 but at least we'd get something. 233 00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,846 I can't believe this is happening. 234 00:07:58,946 --> 00:08:00,981 JAY: Yeah, it's like the weirdest butterfly effect ever. 235 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,751 Some '90s douche finance bro falls in love with a dancer 236 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,753 at Scores and now we're out of a house. 237 00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:08,989 Wait, what did he say? Get over it, Trevor, you were all douches. 238 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,558 No. No, no, no. Scores? 239 00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,726 Woodstone wouldn't have been at Scores. 240 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,361 He got banned from there when he tried to get 241 00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:15,996 autographs from Gary Dell'Abate and Jeff the Drunk. 242 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:18,265 Jeff the Drunk? JAY: From the Wack Pack? 243 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:19,833 We got a Howard Stern fan in the house? 244 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,301 Okay, so the ban happened in like... 245 00:08:21,401 --> 00:08:22,536 Baba Booey. SAMANTHA: Jay, please, 246 00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:24,237 I'm getting important information here. 247 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,606 Trevor's saying that 248 00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:26,707 David Woodstone was banned from Scores. 249 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:28,576 So, what are we saying here? 250 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,744 That David Woodstone isn't actually the father? 251 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,479 But how would we prove that? 252 00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:35,783 Short of asking the ghost of David Woodstone himself-- 253 00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,918 Oh, right. That's what we should do. 254 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,152 I wonder where he died. 255 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,654 HETTY: Do we think perhaps Kelsey 256 00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:42,956 might spring for the upgraded cable television package? 257 00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:44,157 I'm sorry, 258 00:08:44,257 --> 00:08:45,325 but we must emotionally gird ourselves 259 00:08:45,425 --> 00:08:47,060 for a Sam-free future. JAY: Okay. 260 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,129 According to his obituary, 261 00:08:49,229 --> 00:08:50,931 he died in Upstate New York 262 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,800 at a gentlemen's club. 263 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,769 Ooh, gentlemen's club. That sounds classy. 264 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,606 THORFINN: Just hope he didn't get sucked off. 265 00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:00,874 (dance music playing) 266 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:02,475 Ugh. Of course this is where he died. 267 00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,877 This place is so depressing. 268 00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:06,179 JAY: I've seen more depressing. 269 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,416 On TV. I've never been to a strip club. (shudders) 270 00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:12,419 Check it out, Schmitty, new talent. 271 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:13,787 Excuse me? 272 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:16,790 W-Wait... Are you a ghost? 273 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,627 No. Are you David Woodstone? 274 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:20,761 Uh-huh. 275 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:22,996 I'm your descendent. We're related. 276 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,166 You mean, he's actually here? It would appear so. 277 00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:28,101 Wow, we're so lucky he didn't go up to heaven. 278 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,971 This isn't heaven? 279 00:09:32,505 --> 00:09:34,041 ALBERTA: In summation, 280 00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:37,544 for a hundred years, Hetty's been pretending to be my friend. 281 00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:40,047 Withholding the truth about how I died. 282 00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:41,849 This was a century 283 00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,583 of betrayal. 284 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:44,885 And I hope this court remembers that 285 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,519 when it comes time to sentence her. 286 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,089 Hetty, do you deny these charges? 287 00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,091 I do not. 288 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,393 But I ask that the court 289 00:09:53,493 --> 00:09:55,562 consider the following. 290 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:59,499 The Hetty of a hundred years ago stayed silent 291 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,068 for many reasons. 292 00:10:01,168 --> 00:10:04,404 But the Hetty that stands before you today did not. 293 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,007 Thanks to women like Alberta and Flower 294 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,342 and Samantha and a washing machine, 295 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,679 I have changed. Aw. 296 00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,847 In my time, women were competition. 297 00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:15,716 But I now know that they are friends. 298 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:16,984 And I couldn't sit back 299 00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:18,752 and let my friend Alberta believe 300 00:10:18,852 --> 00:10:20,721 her sister had killed her, no matter the cost to me. 301 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,956 And I know that may not change the way you feel... 302 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,326 ...but I am deeply sorry, Alberta. 303 00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,195 PETE: Wow. 304 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,698 Not sure how the washing machine got mixed up in all that, 305 00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,065 but still I was moved. 306 00:10:32,165 --> 00:10:34,234 The washing machine gave her an orgasm. 307 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,203 Oh, cheese and crackers. 308 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,838 Now, Alberta, you have a choice. 309 00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:40,207 You can accept Hetty's apology, 310 00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,474 put this matter behind us, 311 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,043 house harmony restored. 312 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,845 Or we can move to the punishment phase. 313 00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,980 Punishment phase. FLOWER: Are you sure? 314 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:48,682 You can take some time to think about it. 315 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:51,284 Punishment phase. Your girl wants blood. (gasps) 316 00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,922 ISAAC: I'm just vexed by this Nigel situation. 317 00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,157 Moving in together as a ghost is different 318 00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,926 than moving in together as a Living. 319 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,694 The stakes are much higher. 320 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,429 I mean, what if things go south? 321 00:11:02,529 --> 00:11:05,498 I will be heartbroken for eternity. 322 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:09,069 Taking chance at love always carry risk. 323 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,504 Like when I catch Danish man with cousin. 324 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,174 We disembowel the Dane and force him to march 325 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:16,409 until entrails wrap around tree. 326 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:19,179 Okay. THORFINN: For him, 327 00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,680 risk not work out. 328 00:11:20,781 --> 00:11:23,316 But sometimes risk do work out. 329 00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,684 Like with Thor and Flower. 330 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,219 TREVOR: Isaac, 331 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,821 relationships are like sharks. 332 00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:30,690 Either they move forward or they die. 333 00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,492 That's from a Woody Allen movie. 334 00:11:32,592 --> 00:11:34,494 And that guy knows relationships. 335 00:11:34,594 --> 00:11:36,563 Did you ever move in with anyone? 336 00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,733 Almost. Once. 337 00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:41,368 She wanted to get engaged first. 338 00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:43,036 She wanted that commitment. 339 00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,672 I was only in my 30s, had my whole life ahead of me. 340 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,341 I thought. (laughing) 341 00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:51,912 Very funny, because actually die soon after. 342 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:56,850 You two have been very helpful. 343 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,352 (dance music playing) 344 00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,822 Hmm. Strip club sushi. 345 00:12:01,922 --> 00:12:04,591 It shouldn't look good. But it does. 346 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,293 That's what I thought, man. 347 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,195 Before it killed me. 348 00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:09,729 So, this chick just shows up out of the blue 349 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,032 and says she's my daughter? Pretty much. 350 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:13,600 But there's something off about her story. 351 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:14,701 How old is she? 352 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,369 She was born in '97. 353 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:18,405 No, she can't be mine. 354 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,073 I've been shooting blanks since '93. 355 00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:23,076 Oh, okay. What happened in '93? 356 00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,578 I dipped my balls into a scalding hot coffee pot. 357 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:26,980 (chuckling) 358 00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:29,216 Why? 359 00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:30,884 Uh, my boy Ari said that I wouldn't, so... 360 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:34,221 Freaking love that guy. Okay, this is huge. 361 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:36,857 So she definitely can't be your kid. 362 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:38,658 No. SCHMITTY: Uh, excuse me. 363 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,560 You might want to tell your husband 364 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,462 that sushi was on top of a stripper last night 365 00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,763 at a bachelor party. 366 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:45,966 Babe, they got all-you-can-eat sushi. 367 00:12:46,066 --> 00:12:48,635 It's better than you'd think. 368 00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,808 ISAAC: Matters are on my mind, 369 00:12:54,908 --> 00:12:57,010 and we must speak. Let me get right to it. 370 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,678 Nigel, it seems apparent 371 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,948 that you wish for us to move in together. 372 00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,384 You read my storm-out correctly, Captain Higgintoot. 373 00:13:04,484 --> 00:13:05,752 I don't know how else to say this, 374 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,454 but I fear that our relationship is not 375 00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:08,889 at the stage in which I would feel 376 00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,690 comfortable cohabitating. 377 00:13:12,092 --> 00:13:13,426 I see. 378 00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:17,530 So let's take our relationship to that stage. 379 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:19,566 I'm sorry? 380 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,803 (gasps) Now it is I who gasp. 381 00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:25,172 Nigel... 382 00:13:25,272 --> 00:13:26,773 Yes, Isaac? 383 00:13:27,774 --> 00:13:29,442 Will you make me 384 00:13:29,542 --> 00:13:33,480 the happiest ghost on the entire property? 385 00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:34,714 No. 386 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,249 I will make you the second happiest. 387 00:13:36,349 --> 00:13:39,786 Get up so I can look my fiancé in the eye. 388 00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,654 Oh, my only regret is that I lack the ability 389 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,991 to physically place a ring on this finger. 390 00:13:44,091 --> 00:13:47,794 You've already embedded a shiny metal object deep in my heart. 391 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:50,563 You're referring to the bullet I killed you with. 392 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,265 NIGEL: Or, as Samantha would say, 393 00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,366 our meet cute. 394 00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:57,237 So, we can move in together now? 395 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:58,638 My fiancé? 396 00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,473 Absolutely. 397 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,609 Oh, and I'll ask Samantha if we can just use 398 00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,411 one of the extra guest rooms. 399 00:14:04,511 --> 00:14:06,313 If she says no, I'll tell her she's being homophobic. 400 00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:07,714 It gets stuff done. 401 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,983 And perhaps we can use that money of yours 402 00:14:10,083 --> 00:14:11,952 to buy a king-sized bed. 403 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,353 That might be nice. 404 00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:14,521 Yeah, nothing better than a king. 405 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,589 Oh, I see what you did there. 406 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,725 It's hard to beat me in a battle of wits. (chuckling) 407 00:14:18,825 --> 00:14:21,561 Well, a battle of armies on the other hand... 408 00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,463 (chuckles) We will have fun. 409 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:25,665 PETE: We've reached a verdict. 410 00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,068 Henrietta Woodstone, for your crimes, 411 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:31,104 you are hereby sentenced to banishment in the woods 412 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:32,805 for a period of one year. 413 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:34,641 A year? 414 00:14:34,741 --> 00:14:37,510 Thor only got three days for chopping Peter in half. 415 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:39,546 Ended up staying entire week. 416 00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:43,116 Bonded with family of beetles that taught me life lessons. 417 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:46,019 Wow. A year. Y'all don't mess around. 418 00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,988 It is quite harsh. 419 00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,391 But I accept my fate. 420 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:54,394 And do not worry about me. 421 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,363 When the weather turns I shall take shelter 422 00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,999 in the old outhouse we reserved for the help 423 00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:00,500 and foreign-born guests. 424 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,534 TREVOR: Hey, guys. 425 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:02,970 Did you hear the big news? 426 00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,771 Isaac and Nigel are engaged. 427 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,139 (excited laughter) 428 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,640 What? Yes. 429 00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,342 They're moving in together, the whole megillah. 430 00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,178 That's incredible. We should all celebrate 431 00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:12,779 after Thor dumps Hetty in the woods. 432 00:15:12,879 --> 00:15:13,880 Wait, what? 433 00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,183 She's been convicted by the Ghost Court. 434 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:17,417 Thor, take her away. 435 00:15:17,517 --> 00:15:18,986 Can't it just wait a moment? 436 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:21,588 I would like to take part in the celebrations. 437 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:24,024 You celebrate with beetle friends now. 438 00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,858 (laughing) (Hetty gasps) 439 00:15:25,959 --> 00:15:27,727 Wait. 440 00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:29,729 Uh... 441 00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,531 So, like... 442 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:35,202 can I still meet up with Hetty for our daily walks? 443 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:36,536 Yeah, that's not really 444 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,338 how the whole banishment thing works. 445 00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:39,739 What about conjugal visits? 446 00:15:39,839 --> 00:15:41,574 ♪ ♪ 447 00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:44,544 Not in this situation, obviously. 448 00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,912 But if I ever get banished 449 00:15:46,013 --> 00:15:48,015 and there's a Swedish bikini team ghost 450 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,150 that I'm schtupping? 451 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:51,651 There is no outside contact allowed. 452 00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:55,422 So like, I can't even watch TV with her sometimes? 453 00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:57,724 Who am I gonna make my naughty Momoa comments to? 454 00:15:57,824 --> 00:16:00,293 I'm around and ready to objectify that man. 455 00:16:00,393 --> 00:16:01,594 It's not the same. 456 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,763 You said you wanted her punished, Alberta. 457 00:16:03,863 --> 00:16:04,897 I think. 458 00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,466 Sometimes I hear things. ALBERTA: Yeah. 459 00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,868 But I don't want to go a whole year without... 460 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,003 my friend. 461 00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:13,040 Well, you could forgive her. 462 00:16:13,140 --> 00:16:15,875 That would allow the court to vacate her sentence. 463 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:20,080 Okay, I might be able to forgive you, Hetty. 464 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:22,715 But I want something if you're going to stay in this house. 465 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:23,850 Anything. 466 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:26,919 Well, if Isaac's moving in with Nigel, 467 00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,122 then you've got that big room all to yourself. 468 00:16:29,222 --> 00:16:32,225 So how about I get your room, and you move in with Flower? 469 00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:33,593 (gasps) New roomie? 470 00:16:33,693 --> 00:16:36,829 I'm gonna braid your hair while you're sleeping. 471 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:38,098 (Alberta laughs) 472 00:16:38,198 --> 00:16:39,299 Well, what's it gonna be, Hetty? 473 00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:40,867 Flower or the woods? 474 00:16:40,967 --> 00:16:43,870 If I could just see if the outhouse still has a roof. 475 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:45,205 Seriously? HETTY: Fine. 476 00:16:45,305 --> 00:16:48,341 Fine. Thank you, Alberta. 477 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:50,743 I truly am sorry. 478 00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,179 I know. 479 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,581 And it's a good thing you've embraced female friendships 480 00:16:54,681 --> 00:16:57,217 'cause you're going to get a lot of practice with Flower. 481 00:16:57,317 --> 00:16:58,518 Oh, oh, oh... 482 00:16:58,618 --> 00:16:59,986 Do you want to be the engine or the caboose 483 00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,221 in the massage train? 484 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:02,689 It just doesn't even make any sense. 485 00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,324 There's only the two of us. 486 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,793 Not every conversation has to make sense. 487 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:08,861 We're gonna have so much fun! 488 00:17:08,961 --> 00:17:10,663 Yay! 489 00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:13,066 Ooh, God. (sniffles) 490 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,535 TREVOR: So he was shooting blanks? 491 00:17:15,635 --> 00:17:16,869 That makes so much sense! 492 00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:18,405 That's why he was always raw-dogging it. 493 00:17:18,505 --> 00:17:22,075 A life without consequences. 494 00:17:22,175 --> 00:17:23,543 What a gift. 495 00:17:23,643 --> 00:17:26,779 So, how he die in strip club? 496 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,282 I like to say I died in a motorboating accident. 497 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:33,353 I had an aneurism with my head pressed between two boobs. 498 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:35,755 I didn't ask. (door opens) 499 00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,425 So, you wanted to talk about my offer? 500 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:40,260 Yeah, uh, we did. 501 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,463 We just thought before we make our final decision, 502 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,332 we want to do another DNA test, 503 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,433 just to be sure. 504 00:17:46,533 --> 00:17:48,735 Okay, why? 505 00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,337 Because we've recently uncovered evidence 506 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:53,072 that suggests David Woodstone was sterile. 507 00:17:53,173 --> 00:17:54,807 SAMANTHA: We're not accusing you of anything. 508 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,443 We just want you to take another test 509 00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:58,010 from a different company. 510 00:17:59,146 --> 00:18:01,314 (singsongy): Dan, what should I do? 511 00:18:01,414 --> 00:18:02,749 Why is she asking him? 512 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:04,617 Why is she asking you? 513 00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:06,819 I have no idea. (quietly): Dan, you said this would work. 514 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,122 Okay, clearly, this woman is having 515 00:18:09,222 --> 00:18:11,224 some sort of a mental breakdown. No, I'm not. 516 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:12,659 He said he'd give me $10,000 517 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,461 if I pretended to be your cousin. SAMANTHA: What?! 518 00:18:14,561 --> 00:18:15,828 Dan, you were in on this? 519 00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,130 No! Yes! 520 00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,498 Normally, I would stand up and confront you, 521 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,433 but I ate strip club sushi, and... 522 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,569 my stomach's not feeling so good right now. 523 00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:25,172 So, why don't you tell us what's going on? 524 00:18:25,272 --> 00:18:27,240 Okay, you know what? Fine. 525 00:18:27,340 --> 00:18:29,209 Recently, I was contacted 526 00:18:29,309 --> 00:18:31,478 by a major hotel chain with an offer to buy your home 527 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,580 for way over market value. 528 00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:35,782 Simultaneously, the New York Knicks 529 00:18:35,882 --> 00:18:38,050 have been blowing some very large second half leads. 530 00:18:38,151 --> 00:18:40,553 Yeah, they're resting their starters, it's driving me nuts. 531 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,256 But that is not what we're talking about right now. 532 00:18:43,356 --> 00:18:45,192 So, you were trying to trick us into selling you our house 533 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,460 for basically nothing so you could turn it around 534 00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:48,828 and sell it at a huge profit, 535 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,997 all to pay off some gambling debts? 536 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,165 Well summarized, babe. 537 00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:54,167 That's all water under the bridge, okay? 538 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,502 What is important is, 539 00:18:55,602 --> 00:18:58,037 there is a very substantial offer on the table 540 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:00,273 for your house from the Four Seasons. 541 00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,841 Now, look. 542 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,010 There is no one better to help you navigate 543 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:06,145 that tricky sale than your man Dan. 544 00:19:06,246 --> 00:19:08,348 No! JAY: Get out of our house! 545 00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:09,549 Both of youse. 546 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:10,783 When you say, "Get out of our house," 547 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:12,385 do you mean after my free weekend stay? 548 00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,153 Just go! 549 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,490 I'd walk you to the door, but I am afraid to stand up. 550 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,764 JAY: Thank you for coming with me 551 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:27,033 to get Pepto Bismol. SAMANTHA: You're welcome. 552 00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:29,769 I can't believe we almost lost the house. But we didn't, babe. 553 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,938 Your dead uncle dipped his balls in a pot of coffee 554 00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:34,807 and everything turned out fine. Yeah, that's true. 555 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:36,676 It was scary though. Yeah. 556 00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:38,245 And just to be clear, 557 00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:39,979 we're not gonna take the offer from the Four Seasons? 558 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,382 Come on, we could never leave the ghosts. Yeah. 559 00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,352 I love those stupid invisible bastards. 560 00:19:45,452 --> 00:19:47,287 Think about how much our lives have changed 561 00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:48,888 in these past two years. 562 00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:52,925 Each one of the ghosts has come to mean so much to me. 563 00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:54,727 I never had a lot of family. 564 00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,763 But the truth is, 565 00:19:56,863 --> 00:20:00,099 these days we're surrounded by family. 566 00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:01,534 And yes, they can be frustrating 567 00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:04,036 and demanding and childish. 568 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:05,405 ♪ ♪ 569 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:07,039 But I've also seen them grow. 570 00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:10,277 Seen them be loving and giving 571 00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:12,245 and sweet. 572 00:20:12,345 --> 00:20:14,514 And the thing is, 573 00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,549 for as much as we help them, 574 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,951 they've made our lives so much richer. 575 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:23,155 Not in the financial sense, but sure. 576 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,392 I just can't imagine not having them around. 577 00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,594 Yeah, I feel the same way. 578 00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:28,595 I mean... 579 00:20:28,695 --> 00:20:30,663 SAMANTHA: Oh, my God. 580 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:31,831 What? 581 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,502 I think one of the ghosts just got sucked off. 582 00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:37,169 What? Who? 583 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:39,238 I have no idea. 584 00:20:39,339 --> 00:20:42,309 I hope it's Trevor. 585 00:20:48,581 --> 00:20:51,484 Captioning sponsored by CBS 586 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:54,287 and TOYOTA. 587 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:57,824 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org