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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

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00:00:03,769 --> 00:00:07,072
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

3
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♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

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<b>Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com</b>

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Peter, I need you to take
Chris and Meg to school.

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Today's the day I finally
kill that squirrel

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that's been eating our tomatoes.

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Try to get, like, eight
of them this time.

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I want to make bruschetta.

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Oh, can't the kids just walk?

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You know I like to watch two
full movies before I go to work.

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No, Peter, they can't
walk, it's three miles.

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Fine, I'll take them.

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But you better keep those goggles

21
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'cause I'm gonna put them
to good use tonight.

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Once the floor is full of sawdust,

23
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we can eat peanuts in here.

24
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Dad, are you sure it's okay
that we took Brian's car?

25
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Yeah, it's his own fault.

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He's the one who keeps
his key in the visor

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like a carefree hillbilly.

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Okay, everybody out.

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I don't want the cool kids
to know I'm your dad.

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Hey, Chris.

31
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Guess who I just scored as my
date to the homecoming dance.

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- Vice Principal McGuire.
- Really?

33
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Yeah, her husband just died of ALS,

34
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so she is ready to get at it.

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Hey there, strong guy.

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Not now, Brenda!

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She says I have the body of a
50-year-old before it gets ALS.

38
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So who are you gonna go with?

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I was thinking of asking Kara Morris.

40
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Why don't you ask her now?

41
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Her locker's right over there.

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Um... y... uh, yeah, okay.

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Hi, Kara.

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I was wondering, um, if you'd like to go

45
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to the homecoming dance with me?

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Oh, hi, robot from<i> Big Hero 6.</i>

47
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No, but thank you.

48
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His name is Baymax, you gorgeous moron!

49
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All right, red light.

50
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Time to text and shave
and whittle and floss.

51
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- Thanks for getting here so quickly.
- What?

52
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I'm sorry. You're in a Prius.

53
00:02:20,773 --> 00:02:22,474
I just assumed you were my Uber.

54
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I don't know what that is
on account of being dull.

55
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Uber... it's like a cab
except it feels like a game

56
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'cause it's from your phone.

57
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Anyway, I'm late for a meeting.

58
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Can I just give you 20
bucks to drop me off?

59
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Wow, 20 bucks just to
drive you across town?

60
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Maybe I should be an Uber driver.

61
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I mean, I could use the extra money.

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And it's got to be easier than
when I was delivering pizzas.

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All right, push. Push.

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Come on, come on, almost there.

65
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Almost there, just one more push.

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Here it is!

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Oh, it's half Hawaiian.

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I believe that's ours.

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You poor fool.

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Hey, Stewie.

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What's up, big guy?

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None of the girls at school want
to go to homecoming with me.

73
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Probably 'cause everyone calls
me names like "Big Nips"

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and "Fat Nips" and "Big Fat Nips."

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Oh, don't listen to them, Big Fat Nips.

76
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They're just being haters.

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What's a "hater"?

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Oh, it's just something people say

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instead of working to
change their own flaws.

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Anyway, you just got to
do what Taylor Swift does

81
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and shake it off.

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Who's Taylor Swift?

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Oh, my God!

84
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Am I about to introduce
you to Taylor Swift?

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W-What is she, a singer?

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She's much more than a singer, Chris.

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She's... she's... she's the queen!

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A goddess!

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A gazelle in a high-waisted swimsuit!

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Uh, sorry, if you're neither insane,

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00:03:44,723 --> 00:03:47,659
nor clowns, nor a posse,
I'm not interested.

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I have an idea.

93
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You should ask Taylor Swift
to the homecoming dance!

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What? Why would she go
to a dance with me?

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I'm telling you, this is exactly
the kind of thing she would do.

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She's such a sweetheart.

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Oh, I'm going limp.

98
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I'm just gonna lie here moaning,

99
00:04:03,442 --> 00:04:05,143
thinking about Taylor Swift.

100
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Tay-Tay.

101
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How would I even ask her?

102
00:04:10,749 --> 00:04:13,084
Oh, it's easy. You and I
will just make a video

103
00:04:13,085 --> 00:04:15,253
about how sad you are and put it online.

104
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She's very interactive
with all her fans.

105
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I guess it's worth a shot.

106
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Of course it is.

107
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If she says yes, you'll
surprise everyone,

108
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just like you did on New Year's Eve.

109
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Three, two, one!

110
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Some animals give me boners!

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Hi. Uh, I'd like to be an Uber driver.

112
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Okay, sure. Welcome aboard.

113
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Don't I... don't I need
to fill out a form or...?

114
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Oh, right, yeah, of course.

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"Name."

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Peter Griffin.

117
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"Criminal history."

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This section is optional.
I will skip this.

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And done.

120
00:04:55,427 --> 00:04:57,462
Here you go. Yeah, none
of this really matters.

121
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All I need to know is:
do you have a car,

122
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a phone and a face?

123
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It's my dog's car.

124
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Oh, and I know you didn't ask,

125
00:05:03,602 --> 00:05:05,934
- but I am quick to anger.
- Okay, great.

126
00:05:05,935 --> 00:05:08,706
Now get out there and try to
kiss as many ladies as you can.

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The record is 60 in a month.

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You, sir, are officially an Uber driver.

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Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

130
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This is some good stuff, Chris.

131
00:06:00,292 --> 00:06:01,859
I think it's ready to post.

132
00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:04,095
Actually, Stewie, I changed my mind.

133
00:06:04,096 --> 00:06:06,164
I made my own video and posted it.

134
00:06:06,165 --> 00:06:07,732
What? How could you do that?

135
00:06:07,733 --> 00:06:10,268
Stewie, I didn't want to
do all that fancy stuff,

136
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so I just did a video of me
speaking from the heart.

137
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You know, telling her
how much it would mean

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if a girl like her went to
homecoming with a guy like me.

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00:06:18,744 --> 00:06:21,546
I couldn't even stay awake
during that description.

140
00:06:23,315 --> 00:06:25,516
Hey, she already posted a response.

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00:06:25,517 --> 00:06:27,218
What?!

142
00:06:27,219 --> 00:06:29,020
Hey, Chris Griffin.

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00:06:29,021 --> 00:06:30,221
I just saw your video,

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00:06:30,222 --> 00:06:32,256
and I'd love to go to
your dance with you.

145
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All right, I got to go
eat an ice cream cone.

146
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'Cause us stars are just like you.

147
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Oh, my God!

148
00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:43,267
Uh-oh. This means I have an
awkward phone call to make.

149
00:06:43,268 --> 00:06:45,203
What? No, no, it was stupid.

150
00:06:45,204 --> 00:06:47,146
What, two guys going to homecoming?

151
00:06:47,147 --> 00:06:49,340
I-I assumed it was a
goof this whole time.

152
00:06:49,341 --> 00:06:50,475
Take it out.

153
00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:52,459
I'm ugly and unlovable.

154
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Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

155
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:01,487
Our top story tonight,

156
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:03,922
pop star Taylor Swift
is coming to Quahog

157
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:06,959
to attend a dance with local
high-schooler Chris Griffin.

158
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,895
But first we go to commercial
while our sports reporter smiles

159
00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,997
and spins a football for some reason.

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00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:19,271
Wow, Chris, I'm so excited!

161
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,707
You actually have a
date with Taylor Swift!

162
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Thanks, Mom. Did I do good?

163
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Can I wear Grandpa's jacket now?

164
00:07:25,512 --> 00:07:27,479
I-I don't know why you
always ask for that.

165
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Th-That's not a thing in our family.

166
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Oh, Rupert, I can't believe Taylor Swift

167
00:07:31,518 --> 00:07:33,519
is actually going to be in our house.

168
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,753
I haven't been this excited

169
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since I abused those caffeine pills

170
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:38,223
to get ready for the big show.

171
00:07:38,224 --> 00:07:40,893
Everything will be fine, as
long as I take one of these.

172
00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:43,562
Pills? You actually <i>are</i> taking drugs?

173
00:07:43,563 --> 00:07:44,696
Stewie, give me those.

174
00:07:44,697 --> 00:07:46,398
I can't, Zach! I need them to sing!

175
00:07:47,567 --> 00:07:51,370
♪ I'm so excited, I'm so excited ♪

176
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:55,107
I'm... so... scared!

177
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:02,380
Screech is going to stab
someone on Christmas.

178
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:09,922
Oh, Chris, you look so
handsome in your tux.

179
00:08:09,923 --> 00:08:12,858
This must be how Meat Loaf
looked when he went to the prom.

180
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:14,793
Oh, that must be her!

181
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,734
Hi. You must be Chris. I'm Taylor.

182
00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:24,002
What's up?!

183
00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:27,072
It's so nice to finally meet you.

184
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:28,640
Your video was so sweet.

185
00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:30,876
And I can't wait to go
to the dance tonight.

186
00:08:30,877 --> 00:08:32,344
Me, too.

187
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,546
Would you like to come in?

188
00:08:34,547 --> 00:08:36,248
Hi. Peter Griffin, leering dad.

189
00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:37,983
Quick question: in "Shake It Off,"

190
00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:42,054
you invite us to get down to,
quote, "this sick beat."

191
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:44,523
Yet the beat you then
provide is rather mild.

192
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,226
My question is this:
may I lick your legs?

193
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,528
Hi, Taylor. Stewie Griffin.
I'm your biggest fan.

194
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:51,697
I don't mean that like
a psycho, I just...

195
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,198
I-I'm not, I'm not a psycho!

196
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:54,900
Oh, you're a cutie.

197
00:08:54,901 --> 00:08:57,035
Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles.

198
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,704
Now, you don't have to say anything.

199
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:01,106
I'm just gonna slowly pull
out this tape measure,

200
00:09:01,107 --> 00:09:03,142
and you indicate when I should stop.

201
00:09:03,143 --> 00:09:05,010
Okay, here I go.

202
00:09:05,011 --> 00:09:06,110
Still going.

203
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:08,680
Still going.

204
00:09:08,681 --> 00:09:11,283
Oh, my God, you bitch! Seriously?

205
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:14,887
Taylor, this is my sister
Meg and our dog Brian.

206
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,288
Nice to meet you both.

207
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,789
We're not all so impressed.

208
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:19,591
I've met Dan Aykroyd.

209
00:09:19,592 --> 00:09:23,028
I'm sorry, uh, which cast
member of<i> Hee Haw</i> are you?

210
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:25,264
Will... you... be... nice!

211
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,599
Okay, well, we should probably go.

212
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:31,403
It was so nice to meet you all,
except for the girl and the dog.

213
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,939
Sorry about my family.

214
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,008
Don't apologize. They seem nice.

215
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,210
Well, you wouldn't say that if
you ever saw us at the movies.

216
00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:43,749
All right, we got our popcorn from home,

217
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,984
our soda from home, our snacks from home

218
00:09:45,985 --> 00:09:47,319
and<i> Braveheart.</i>

219
00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:53,959
- Where you headed?
- The airport.

220
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,327
Great. Just a couple of errands
and we'll get you there.

221
00:10:10,476 --> 00:10:12,778
That was one bitch of a class.

222
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,179
Anyways, what time's your flight?

223
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:15,347
It's in 20 minutes!

224
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,282
Oh, boy, I can't make it in 20 minutes.

225
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:18,717
I better call you a Lyft.

226
00:10:18,718 --> 00:10:21,353
Come on, hurry up, get in!

227
00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:23,822
I hope you like The Offspring.

228
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:26,391
Let's go!

229
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,536
Oh, my God! Taylor Swift!

230
00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:39,171
She's here with<i> him?</i>

231
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,472
You guys, Mr. Buell's taking

232
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:42,741
a door-open dook in the bathroom!

233
00:10:42,742 --> 00:10:45,110
I hope this isn't too boring for you.

234
00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,346
No, this is so cool!

235
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:48,780
I always sing about high school,

236
00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:50,749
but I've never actually
seen one in person.

237
00:10:51,918 --> 00:10:53,552
Would you like to dance?

238
00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,587
Sure. But you're gonna
have to stand back,

239
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:58,223
like, five and a half feet.

240
00:10:58,224 --> 00:10:59,358
Cool!

241
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:03,195
You dance like an unattended fire hose.

242
00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:05,764
Wow! It's like your dance
tells a whole story.

243
00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:07,165
Right?

244
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:09,301
You are the only one
who's ever gotten that.

245
00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:11,370
Usually people just shove
a wallet in my mouth

246
00:11:11,371 --> 00:11:13,038
and call 911.

247
00:11:13,039 --> 00:11:15,107
You know, Chris, I'm
having a great time.

248
00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:17,342
You're so cool and down-to-earth.

249
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:18,877
I like you, too, Taylor.

250
00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:20,612
I was scared meeting a celebrity,

251
00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,347
but you're so nice and normal.

252
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,050
I feel totally comfortable around you.

253
00:11:25,051 --> 00:11:27,409
Well, why don't you
just kiss her, Griffin?

254
00:11:27,887 --> 00:11:31,040
Sorry, I just smoked a joint
with the pickup truck kids.

255
00:11:37,146 --> 00:11:39,013
That was really fun, Chris.

256
00:11:39,014 --> 00:11:40,532
I hope you don't mind I made the band

257
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:42,634
pay me a royalty for each
of my songs they played.

258
00:11:42,635 --> 00:11:43,635
Of course not.

259
00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:44,836
And I hope you didn't mind

260
00:11:44,837 --> 00:11:46,638
I showed you who every
locker belongs to.

261
00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,974
No, I thought that was nice.

262
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:50,409
I've never had a locker.

263
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:53,712
I just keep my stuff in stupid mansions.

264
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,180
Can I finger you?

265
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:56,315
Sure!

266
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,016
Hi. I'm Taylor Swift.

267
00:11:58,017 --> 00:12:00,352
I'm famous, but I'm really nice.

268
00:12:00,353 --> 00:12:04,056
Aw, that's one of the best
fingerings I've ever had.

269
00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:26,311
What are you working on there, Chris?

270
00:12:26,312 --> 00:12:28,213
Oh, I'm making a collage for Taylor

271
00:12:28,214 --> 00:12:30,282
of some of her favorite things.

272
00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,451
Here's flowers and crop tops

273
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:35,287
and pictures of Kanye
West with his mouth shut.

274
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:38,435
Wow, you two seem to have
a wonderful connection.

275
00:12:38,436 --> 00:12:39,638
We do, Mom.

276
00:12:39,639 --> 00:12:42,561
You know, she's the first girl
to ever really understand me.

277
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,929
Uh, you guys?

278
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:46,631
You might want to see this video
Bonnie posted on Facebook.

279
00:12:46,632 --> 00:12:48,734
Why are you on Bonnie's Facebook page?

280
00:12:48,735 --> 00:12:51,803
'Cause she's a (BLEEP) smoke-show.

281
00:12:54,974 --> 00:12:56,608
♪ 'Cause I know you're ♪

282
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,410
♪ Just blubber in a dress shirt ♪

283
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:03,815
♪ He licked his armpit ♪

284
00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:06,016
♪ Then ate all my dinner and dessert ♪

285
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:10,956
♪ Chris Griffin is a pig in every way ♪

286
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,392
♪ Oh, oh ♪

287
00:13:13,393 --> 00:13:15,394
♪ Blubber, blubber, blubber, oh ♪

288
00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,961
♪ Blubber, blubber, oh. ♪

289
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:23,535
Oh, and some animals give him boners.

290
00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:29,708
What the hell?

291
00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,109
Why would she do this?

292
00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:32,911
Wait, wait, wait.
What's that next video?

293
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,914
Oh, Daughtry!

294
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:38,249
I'm a mom, so I love this.

295
00:13:45,454 --> 00:13:46,854
Chris, what happened?

296
00:13:46,855 --> 00:13:48,923
I-I thought you said Taylor had
a good time the other night.

297
00:13:48,924 --> 00:13:50,057
We did!

298
00:13:50,058 --> 00:13:52,026
She even let me grab
the part of her body

299
00:13:52,027 --> 00:13:53,828
which on others would be a butt.

300
00:13:53,829 --> 00:13:55,362
Wow, look at these comments.

301
00:13:55,363 --> 00:13:56,730
Everyone hates you, Chris.

302
00:13:56,731 --> 00:13:57,797
She's right. Check it out.

303
00:13:57,798 --> 00:13:59,265
You're already a meme.

304
00:14:02,303 --> 00:14:04,537
Aw, man, Chris, this
computer is telling me

305
00:14:04,538 --> 00:14:05,972
that you done Swifted up.

306
00:14:05,973 --> 00:14:08,464
Why would she do something like this?

307
00:14:08,465 --> 00:14:10,613
Because this is what Taylor Swift does.

308
00:14:10,614 --> 00:14:12,012
She gets into relationship with guys,

309
00:14:12,013 --> 00:14:14,714
sabotages them, and then
writes angry songs about it.

310
00:14:14,715 --> 00:14:16,483
I just wish I could talk to her.

311
00:14:16,484 --> 00:14:18,818
Well, why can't we? She has
a house in Rhode Island.

312
00:14:18,819 --> 00:14:19,819
We could go today.

313
00:14:19,820 --> 00:14:21,454
Oh, my God, we can go today!

314
00:14:21,455 --> 00:14:22,989
My schedule is wide-ass open!

315
00:14:22,990 --> 00:14:24,658
Well, we can't just show up there.

316
00:14:24,659 --> 00:14:26,660
Why not? We've done
crazier things before.

317
00:14:26,661 --> 00:14:29,029
Remember when we sent that tweet?

318
00:14:29,030 --> 00:14:30,329
All right, you ready?

319
00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:34,968
Freeze!

320
00:14:34,969 --> 00:14:36,403
We're the Internet police!

321
00:14:36,404 --> 00:14:39,472
You guys are going away for a long time.

322
00:14:40,089 --> 00:14:41,767
Hey, what are you in for?

323
00:14:41,768 --> 00:14:44,444
I said Caitlyn Jenner
wasn't brave and beautiful.

324
00:14:44,445 --> 00:14:47,513
Brian, there's some bad people in here.

325
00:14:50,351 --> 00:14:52,960
Hey, what's up? I'm just
going to Quahog Stadium.

326
00:14:52,961 --> 00:14:55,451
Okay, would you like the
AC on or the windows down?

327
00:14:55,452 --> 00:14:56,589
How about both?

328
00:14:59,994 --> 00:15:01,494
Pretty great, right?

329
00:15:01,495 --> 00:15:03,829
It is! It really is!

330
00:15:07,374 --> 00:15:09,152
Thank you, genius person!

331
00:15:09,153 --> 00:15:10,035
No problem.

332
00:15:10,036 --> 00:15:13,206
Hey, you ever go in a hot tub
when it's snowing outside?

333
00:15:13,207 --> 00:15:15,407
Oh... What?!

334
00:15:20,448 --> 00:15:23,416
Ms. Swift, your
songwriting team is here.

335
00:15:23,417 --> 00:15:25,685
We got a socko tune for you, Taylor.

336
00:15:25,686 --> 00:15:26,786
Hit it, Morty!

337
00:15:28,155 --> 00:15:30,790
♪ Lox and bagels and bagels and lox ♪

338
00:15:30,791 --> 00:15:33,593
♪ I like being a girl. ♪

339
00:15:34,090 --> 00:15:35,291
Okay, one thought.

340
00:15:35,292 --> 00:15:37,163
What if we change "lox" to "boys"

341
00:15:37,164 --> 00:15:39,132
and "bagels" to "problems"?

342
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:40,400
Oh, that's perfect.

343
00:15:40,401 --> 00:15:42,404
Like when you changed "pickle it good"

344
00:15:42,405 --> 00:15:43,403
to "shake it off."

345
00:15:43,404 --> 00:15:45,538
All right, we got our homework.

346
00:15:45,932 --> 00:15:47,033
Hi, Taylor.

347
00:15:47,034 --> 00:15:49,348
Chris? What are you guys doing here?

348
00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:50,647
I wanted to talk to you.

349
00:15:50,648 --> 00:15:52,856
Your house is way nicer
than Anne Murray's.

350
00:15:52,857 --> 00:15:53,913
We broke in there, too.

351
00:15:53,914 --> 00:15:56,182
Taylor, why'd you write
that song about me?

352
00:15:56,183 --> 00:15:58,485
I thought we had a real connection.

353
00:15:58,486 --> 00:16:01,040
We do. I really like you, Chris.

354
00:16:01,041 --> 00:16:02,323
I just...

355
00:16:02,324 --> 00:16:04,421
I'm sorry. I always do this.

356
00:16:04,422 --> 00:16:07,091
I ruin relationships with
nice guys and John Mayer

357
00:16:07,092 --> 00:16:09,960
just so I can write songs about
heartbreak and moving on.

358
00:16:09,961 --> 00:16:12,062
But don't you think that's unhealthy?

359
00:16:12,063 --> 00:16:13,931
You're never gonna find
a real relationship

360
00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:15,332
if you keep doing this.

361
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,568
Listen, I'm sorry I hurt
your feelings, Chris.

362
00:16:17,569 --> 00:16:19,169
Let me make it up to you.

363
00:16:19,170 --> 00:16:21,905
Why don't you guys all come to
my show tonight as my guests?

364
00:16:21,906 --> 00:16:22,906
Are you serious?!

365
00:16:22,907 --> 00:16:24,708
Backstage with Taylor Swift?

366
00:16:24,709 --> 00:16:27,277
Well, that'll be even cooler
than when I was in that remake

367
00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,847
of<i> The Princess Bride</i> with Bill Cosby.

368
00:16:29,848 --> 00:16:33,851
Now, one of these has the
iocane powder, you see,

369
00:16:33,852 --> 00:16:37,222
and one of them makes you go
sleepy-bye with your mouth open.

370
00:16:42,093 --> 00:16:43,660
Hey, pal, where we heading again?

371
00:16:43,661 --> 00:16:45,661
Just go down this dark alley.

372
00:16:52,871 --> 00:16:54,004
What the hell's going on?

373
00:16:54,005 --> 00:16:56,774
This is what we do to Uber
drivers in this town.

374
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:02,513
Stop! Stop! Please stop!

375
00:17:02,514 --> 00:17:05,549
The sound of your leather
jackets is excruciating!

376
00:17:05,550 --> 00:17:08,652
You can't just buy a phone
and become a cab driver!

377
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,288
Please, I have two families!

378
00:17:16,294 --> 00:17:17,294
Stay back!

379
00:17:17,295 --> 00:17:18,862
Where-where did you get that?

380
00:17:18,863 --> 00:17:20,898
Judd Hirsch himself.

381
00:17:20,899 --> 00:17:23,333
I was a boy, no more than 11 or 12.

382
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,968
Was on the side of the road.

383
00:17:24,969 --> 00:17:26,703
Man with a hat pulled up next to me.

384
00:17:26,704 --> 00:17:29,139
Said I reminded him of
him when he was my age.

385
00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:30,741
I was just a boy husking corn.

386
00:17:30,742 --> 00:17:32,109
Didn't know what it meant.

387
00:17:32,110 --> 00:17:34,044
Of course, we were all
husking corn back then

388
00:17:34,045 --> 00:17:35,746
just to keep the lights on.

389
00:17:35,747 --> 00:17:37,614
And you burned my car

390
00:17:37,615 --> 00:17:40,551
while I was telling my
fake Judd Hirsch story.

391
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:55,365
God, I hate everybody
who's not backstage.

392
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,434
This next song is a new one.

393
00:17:57,435 --> 00:17:59,770
It's about my boyfriend Chris.

394
00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:07,845
♪ I'm pretty and I'm
rich and I'm in love ♪

395
00:18:07,846 --> 00:18:09,379
♪ Me Taylor ♪

396
00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,815
♪ I've met the guy that
I've been dreaming of ♪

397
00:18:11,816 --> 00:18:13,450
♪ Me Taylor... ♪

398
00:18:15,286 --> 00:18:17,019
Wow, they hate it.

399
00:18:18,723 --> 00:18:19,756
This stinks!

400
00:18:19,757 --> 00:18:21,692
We like you when you're miserable!

401
00:18:21,693 --> 00:18:25,395
You guys, Mr. Buell's taking a
door-open dook in the bathroom!

402
00:18:25,396 --> 00:18:28,065
Why were they being so mean to you?

403
00:18:28,066 --> 00:18:30,100
Well, I guess they're
just used to me being sad

404
00:18:30,101 --> 00:18:31,268
and hurt by men.

405
00:18:31,269 --> 00:18:33,337
But I don't care if they like it, Chris.

406
00:18:33,338 --> 00:18:34,905
I'm happy with you.

407
00:18:34,906 --> 00:18:36,573
I'm happy with you, too.

408
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:38,742
But it doesn't seem like
your fans like this

409
00:18:38,743 --> 00:18:40,344
new happy Taylor.

410
00:18:40,345 --> 00:18:42,079
Are you willing to risk losing them

411
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,983
and jeopardize your career
and your art just for us?

412
00:18:45,984 --> 00:18:48,318
I think I am.

413
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:54,358
Oh, well, I don't know if am.

414
00:18:54,359 --> 00:18:56,827
What? What are you saying?

415
00:18:56,828 --> 00:18:59,663
I'm saying that

416
00:18:59,664 --> 00:19:02,900
Taylor Swift, you are a
spoiled ostrich-legged,

417
00:19:02,901 --> 00:19:05,402
no talent, big-footed freak.

418
00:19:05,403 --> 00:19:07,104
You pretend to relate to your fans,

419
00:19:07,105 --> 00:19:09,506
but you make your bodyguards
carry your purse.

420
00:19:09,507 --> 00:19:11,508
All your songs sound the same.

421
00:19:11,509 --> 00:19:14,343
And your cats aren't that cute.

422
00:19:18,850 --> 00:19:20,850
Thank you, Chris.

423
00:19:24,222 --> 00:19:27,224
This next song is about
my dumb ex-boyfriend,

424
00:19:27,225 --> 00:19:29,559
who either mistreated me, cheated on me

425
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,829
or went to massage parlors
when I was out of town.

426
00:19:38,578 --> 00:19:41,238
Wow, Chris, that was really nice of you.

427
00:19:41,239 --> 00:19:42,839
Yeah, I guess.

428
00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,908
Don't worry, there'll be
plenty of girls for you.

429
00:19:44,909 --> 00:19:47,244
No one will ever be close
to as good as her,

430
00:19:47,245 --> 00:19:48,512
but we'll find you someone.

431
00:19:48,513 --> 00:19:50,380
What about, like, a motorcycle lady?

432
00:19:50,381 --> 00:19:51,715
You know, like an old gal?

433
00:19:51,716 --> 00:19:53,750
Her grandchildren call
her by her first name?

434
00:19:53,751 --> 00:19:55,740
Let's get out of here.
I called us an Uber.

435
00:19:56,988 --> 00:20:00,661
How many tooths is not enough tooths?

436
00:20:05,263 --> 00:20:07,898
Well, kids, your father
may have gotten beat up,

437
00:20:07,899 --> 00:20:09,533
but Uber's still a great job

438
00:20:09,534 --> 00:20:11,268
for anyone afraid to sell their blood.

439
00:20:11,269 --> 00:20:13,103
And, Chris, I'm sorry it didn't work out

440
00:20:13,104 --> 00:20:14,538
with you and Taylor Swift.

441
00:20:14,539 --> 00:20:16,239
I think we're all sorry
about that, Brian,

442
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,508
but I'm afraid we are out of time.

443
00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:20,877
I would like to thank our
guests Taylor Swift,

444
00:20:20,878 --> 00:20:22,879
Chris Griffin, Stewie and Brian,

445
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:25,816
Cleveland Brown and his
band of Brown Renown.

446
00:20:25,817 --> 00:20:28,385
Hey, we'll see you down in
Brown Town, huh, Cleveland?

447
00:20:28,386 --> 00:20:30,721
Oh, I ain't even gonna go there, Peter.

448
00:20:32,223 --> 00:20:33,790
We apologize to the greased-up deaf guy.

449
00:20:33,791 --> 00:20:35,025
Didn't have time for him tonight,

450
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:36,827
but let's see if we can
get him back next week

451
00:20:36,828 --> 00:20:39,563
when Amanda Peet will be here
with stand-up Dom Irrera.

452
00:20:39,564 --> 00:20:40,931
Good night, everybody.

453
00:20:42,434 --> 00:20:47,525
<b>Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com</b>

453
00:20:48,305 --> 00:20:54,542
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