1 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:38,240 Oh, Mr Blackadder... 2 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,960 Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I'd wanted to talk to a vegetable 3 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,800 I'd have bought one at the market. 4 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:46,440 - Don't you want this message? - No, thank you. 5 00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:50,440 God, I'm wasted here. It's no life for a man of noble blood 6 00:00:50,520 --> 00:00:53,600 being servant to a master with the intellect of a jugged walrus 7 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,000 and all the social graces of a potty. 8 00:00:57,080 --> 00:01:00,840 I'm wasted too. I've been thinking of bettering myself. 9 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,280 Oh, really. How? 10 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:05,320 I applied for the job of village idiot of Kensington. 11 00:01:06,320 --> 00:01:07,720 Get anywhere? 12 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:10,680 I got down to the last two. But I failed the final interview. 13 00:01:10,840 --> 00:01:11,920 Oh. What went wrong? 14 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:13,320 I turned up. 15 00:01:13,400 --> 00:01:16,120 The other bloke was such an idiot he forgot to. 16 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:18,520 I'm afraid my ambitions stretch slightly further than 17 00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,120 professional idiocy in West London. 18 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,200 I want to be remembered when I'm dead. I want books written about me, 19 00:01:24,280 --> 00:01:26,320 I want songs sung about me. 20 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:30,080 And then, hundreds of years from now, I want episodes from my life 21 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,080 to be played out weekly at half past 9:00 22 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:36,480 by some great heroic actor of the age. 23 00:01:36,560 --> 00:01:40,600 Yeah, and I could be played by some tiny tit in a beard. 24 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,960 Quite. Now, what's this message? 25 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,280 - I thought you didn't want it. - I may do. It depends what it is. 26 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:46,920 So you do want it? 27 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:49,120 Well, I don't know, do I? It depends what it is. 28 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,600 I can't tell you unless you want to know and you said you didn't want to know. 29 00:01:51,680 --> 00:01:52,800 Now I'm so confused 30 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,320 I don't know where I live or what my name is. 31 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:57,400 Your name is of no importance 32 00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:01,480 and you live in the pipe in the upstairs water-closet. 33 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,960 Was the man who gave you this, by any chance, a red-headed lunatic 34 00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:06,560 with a kilt and a claymore? 35 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:09,720 Yeah, and the funny thing is, he looked exactly like you. 36 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:11,880 My mad cousin MacAdder. 37 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,760 The most dangerous man ever to wear a skirt in Europe. 38 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:18,480 Yeah, he come in here playing the bagpipes, 39 00:02:18,560 --> 00:02:20,600 then he made a haggis, sang Auld Lang Syne, 40 00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,760 - and punched me in the face. - Why? 41 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:26,960 Cos I called him a knock-kneed Scottish pillock. 42 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,520 An unwise action, Baldrick, 43 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,240 since Mad MacAdder is a homicidal maniac. 44 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:34,240 My mother told me to stand up to homicidal maniacs. 45 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,680 If this is the same mother who confidently claimed 46 00:02:36,760 --> 00:02:39,840 you were a tall, handsome, stallion of a man. 47 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,480 I should treat her opinions with extreme caution. 48 00:02:42,640 --> 00:02:44,040 I love my mum. 49 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,480 And I love chops and sauce, but I don't seek their advice. 50 00:02:48,280 --> 00:02:50,360 I hate it when MacAdder turns up. 51 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:54,880 He's such a frog-eyed, beetle-brewed basket-case. 52 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,440 - He's the spitting image of you. - No, he's not! 53 00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,440 We're about as similar as two completely dissimilar things in a pod. 54 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,640 What's the old tartan throw-back banging on about this time? 55 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:10,880 "Have come south for rebellion." Oh, God. Surprise, surprise. 56 00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:13,160 "Staying with Miggins... The time has come..." 57 00:03:13,240 --> 00:03:15,440 "Best sword in Scotland..." 58 00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,400 "Insurrection... Blood..." 59 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,480 "Large bowl of porridge... Rightful claim to throne..." 60 00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:23,680 He's mad. He's mad. 61 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:25,880 He's madder than Mad Jack MacMad, 62 00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:28,920 the winner of last year's Mister Madman competition. 63 00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,720 Ah! The walrus awakes. 64 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:39,840 Ah-ha, Blackadder, notice anything unusual? 65 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,280 Yes, sir, it's 11:30 in the morning and you're moving about. 66 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,960 Is the bed on fire? 67 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,880 Well, I wouldn't know, I've been out all night. 68 00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:55,600 Guess what I've been doing? 69 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,680 - Beagling, sir? - Better even than that. 70 00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,160 Sink me, Blackadder, if I haven't just had 71 00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,200 the most wonderful evening of my life. 72 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:05,560 Tell me all, sir. 73 00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:09,000 Well, as you know, when I set out, I looked divine. 74 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,680 At the party, as I passed, all eyes turned. 75 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,560 - And I dare say, quite a few stomachs. - Well, that's right. 76 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:20,800 And then these two ravishing beauties came up to me and whispered in my ear 77 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,520 that they loved me. 78 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,240 And what happened after you woke up? 79 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,040 This was no dream, Blackadder. 80 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,000 Five minutes later I was in a coach, 81 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,000 flying through the London night, bound for the ladies' home. 82 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,200 And which ladies' home is this? 83 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:41,560 A home for the elderly or a home for the mentally disadvantaged? 84 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,640 No, no, no. This was Apsley House. Do you know it? 85 00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:48,240 Yes, sir. It is the seat of the Duke of Wellington. 86 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,840 Those ladies, I fancy, would be his nieces. 87 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:54,480 Oh, so you fancy them too? Well, I don't blame you. Bravo. 88 00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:56,320 Oh, I spent a night of ecstasy 89 00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:58,360 with a pair of Wellingtons and I loved it. 90 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,080 Sir, it may interest you to know 91 00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,360 that the Iron Duke has always let it be known that 92 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,640 he will kill in cold blood anyone who takes sexual advantage 93 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,360 of any of his relatives. 94 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,760 Yes, but Big Nose Wellington is in Spain, fighting the French. 95 00:05:10,880 --> 00:05:11,960 He'll never know. 96 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,920 On the contrary, sir. Wellington triumphed six months ago. 97 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:18,160 - I'm dead. - It would seem so, sir. 98 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,800 I haven't got a prayer, have I, Blackadder? 99 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:24,920 Against Throat Slasher Wellington, the finest blade His Majesty commands? 100 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,280 Not really, no. 101 00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:29,680 Then I shall flee. How's your French, Blackadder? 102 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,080 Parfait, monsieur. But I fear France will not be far enough. 103 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:38,400 Well, how's your Mongolian? 104 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:42,040 But I fear Wellington is a close personal friend of the chief Mongol. 105 00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,600 They were at Eton together. 106 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,640 I'm doomed. Doomed as the dodo. 107 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,520 Oh, my God, he's here, 108 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:50,320 Wellington's here already! 109 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,000 Oh, Your Grace, forgive me. I didn't know what I was doing. 110 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:56,320 I was a mad, mad, sexually overactive fool. 111 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:59,400 Sir, it's Baldrick. You're perfectly safe. 112 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:00,640 Oh. Hurrah! 113 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,880 Ah. Until 6:00 tonight. 114 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,040 Hurrooh. 115 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,880 From the Supreme Commander, Allied Forces Europe. 116 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:11,360 "Sir, prince or pauper, when a man soils a Wellington he puts his foot in it." 117 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:15,480 "This is not a joke." 118 00:06:15,560 --> 00:06:19,720 "I do not find my name remotely funny, and people who do end up dead." 119 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:25,200 "I challenge you to a duel tonight at 1800 hours in which you will die." 120 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:28,400 "Yours, with sincere apologies for your impending violent slaughter," 121 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:30,280 "Arthur Wellesley, Duke of Wellington." 122 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,280 Sounds a nice, polite sort of bloke. 123 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:36,440 Don't worry, sir, please. 124 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,040 Just consider that life is a valley of woe 125 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:42,160 filled with pain, misery, hunger and despair. 126 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:43,680 Not for me it bloody isn't. 127 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:44,760 As far as I'm concerned, 128 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:47,120 life is a big palace full of food, drink, and comfy sofas. 129 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:51,280 - May I speak, sir? - Certainly not, Baldrick! 130 00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:52,520 The Prince is about to die. 131 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,400 The last thing he wants to do in his final moments 132 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:58,200 is exchange pleasantries with a certified plum-duff. 133 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,840 Easy, Blackadder, let's hear him out. 134 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,000 Very well, Bald rick. 135 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:05,600 We shall hear you out, then throw you out. 136 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:09,400 Well, Your Majesty, I have a cunning plan 137 00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:11,360 which could get you out of this problem. 138 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:12,560 Don't listen to him, sir. 139 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,080 It's a cruel proletarian trick to raise your hopes. 140 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:16,560 I shall have him shot the moment 141 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,480 he's finished clearing away your breakfast. 142 00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:19,640 No, wait, Blackadder. 143 00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:22,080 Perhaps this disgusting, degraded creature 144 00:07:22,160 --> 00:07:24,160 is some sort of blessing in disguise. 145 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,600 Well, if he is, it's a very good disguise. 146 00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:29,360 After all, did not our Lord send a lowly earthworm 147 00:07:29,440 --> 00:07:31,120 to comfort Moses in his torment? 148 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:32,560 No. 149 00:07:33,840 --> 00:07:35,280 Well, it's the sort of thing he might have done. 150 00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,040 Well, come on, Mr Spotty, speak. 151 00:07:37,120 --> 00:07:39,480 Well, Your Majesty, I just thought, 152 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:42,240 this Wellington bloke has been in Europe for years. 153 00:07:42,320 --> 00:07:43,960 You don't know what he looks like. 154 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:45,680 He don't know what you looks like. 155 00:07:45,760 --> 00:07:50,400 So why don't you get someone else to fight the duel instead of you? 156 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:53,960 But I'm the Prince Regent! My portrait hangs on every wall! 157 00:07:54,040 --> 00:07:55,560 Answer that, Bald rick. 158 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:59,680 Well, my cousin, Bert Baldrick, Mr Gainsborough's butler's dogsbody, 159 00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:03,600 he says that he's heard that all portraits look the same these days, 160 00:08:03,680 --> 00:08:06,120 cos they're painted to a romantic ideal, 161 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,640 rather than as a true depiction of the idiosyncratic facial qualities 162 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:11,000 of the person in question. 163 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,840 Your cousin Bert obviously has 164 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,720 a larger vocabulary than you do, Baldrick. 165 00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,960 No! He's right, damn him! 166 00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,720 Anybody could fight the duel and Wellers would never know. 167 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,920 All the same, sir, Baldrick's plan does seem to hinge on finding someone 168 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,080 willing to commit suicide on your behalf. 169 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:32,160 Yes, but he would be fabulously rewarded. 170 00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:35,960 - Money, titles, castles... - A coffin. 171 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:37,920 That's right, I thought maybe 172 00:08:38,000 --> 00:08:40,200 Mr Blackadder himself would fancy the job. 173 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,040 What a splendid idea! 174 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,560 Excuse me, Your Highness. Trouble with the staff. 175 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:52,360 Baldrick, does it have to be this way? 176 00:08:52,480 --> 00:08:56,400 Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you into long strips 177 00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,720 and telling the Prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle-grid 178 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:02,000 in an extremely heavy hat? 179 00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:05,680 Mr Blackadder, you was only just saying in the kitchen 180 00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,040 how you wanted to rise again. 181 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,200 And here the Prince is offering you the lot. 182 00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:12,480 But, tiny, tiny brain, the Iron Duke will kill me. 183 00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:13,560 To even think about taking him on 184 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:16,760 you'd have to be some kind of homicidal maniac 185 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,720 who was fantastically good at fighting, like MacAdder... 186 00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:21,040 Like MacAdder... 187 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,680 MacAdder could fight the duel for me! 188 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,280 My apologies, sir. 189 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:28,960 I was just having a word with my insurance people. 190 00:09:29,040 --> 00:09:32,360 Obviously I would be delighted to die on your behalf. 191 00:09:32,840 --> 00:09:35,320 God's toenails, Blackadder, I'm most damnably grateful. 192 00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:36,560 You won't regret this, you know. 193 00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:38,000 Well, that's excellent. 194 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:41,080 There's just one point, sir, the suicide policy. 195 00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,880 There is an unusual clause 196 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:46,320 which states that the policy holder must wear a big red wig 197 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,040 and affect a Scottish accent in the combat zone. 198 00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:50,640 Small print, eh? 199 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:58,200 Ah, Mrs Miggins. Am I to gather from your look of pie-eyed exhaustion 200 00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:01,000 and the globules of porridge hanging off the walls 201 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,240 that my cousin MacAdder has presented his credentials? 202 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,640 Oh, yes, indeed, sir. You've just missed him. 203 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,320 -I hope he's been practising with his claymore. 204 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:12,840 Oh, I should say so! 205 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:17,480 I'm as weary as a dog with no legs that's just climbed Ben Nevis. 206 00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:19,600 A claymore is a sword, Mrs Miggins. 207 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:23,520 See this intricate wood carving of the infant Samuel at prayer? 208 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,640 He whittled that with the tip of his mighty weapon 209 00:10:25,720 --> 00:10:27,240 with his eyes closed. 210 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,080 Yes, exquisite. 211 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:32,160 He bid me bite on a plank, there was a whirlwind of steel, 212 00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:36,640 and within a minute three men lay dead and I had a lovely new set of gnashers. 213 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,720 Really? 214 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:43,160 Just tell him to meet me here at 5:00 to discuss an extremely cunning plan. 215 00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:46,080 If all goes well, by tomorrow the clan of MacAdder 216 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,600 will be marching the high road back to glory. 217 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:49,720 Oh, lovely. 218 00:10:49,800 --> 00:10:51,320 I'll do you a nice packed lunch. 219 00:10:52,520 --> 00:10:54,160 Good news, Your Highness. 220 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:57,000 This evening I will carve the Duke into an attractive piece of furniture 221 00:10:57,080 --> 00:10:58,800 with some excellent dental work. 222 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:03,040 Your Highness? Your Highness! 223 00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,120 Oh, thank God it's you, Blackadder. 224 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,080 I've just had word from Wellington, he's on his way here now. 225 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:10,480 That's awkward. 226 00:11:10,560 --> 00:11:12,840 The Duke must believe from the very start that I am you. 227 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,560 Any ideas? 228 00:11:14,640 --> 00:11:17,240 There's no alternative, we must swap clothes. 229 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,640 Oh. Fantastic, yes, dressing up. I love it. 230 00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:23,680 It's just like that story, "The Prince And The Porpoise." 231 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,160 "...and the Pauper" 232 00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:28,840 Oh, yes! "The Prince and the Porpoise and the Pauper." 233 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:36,160 Excellent, excellent. Why, my own father wouldn't recognize me. 234 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,160 Your own father never can. He's mad. 235 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:39,960 Oh, yes. 236 00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,520 Unfortunately, sir, you do realize 237 00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:44,240 that I shall have to treat you like a servant? 238 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:47,120 Oh, I think I can cope with that, Blackadder. 239 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:48,840 And you will have to get used to 240 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:50,600 calling me "Your Highness," Your Highness. 241 00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:53,160 Your Highness, Your Highness. 242 00:11:53,240 --> 00:11:55,880 No, just "Your Highness," Your Highness. 243 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,680 That's what I said, "Your Highness, Your Highness", 244 00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,280 Your Highness, Your Highness. 245 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,080 Yes, let's just leave that for now, shall we? 246 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:04,120 Complicated stuff obviously. 247 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:07,200 Big Nose is here... 248 00:12:07,280 --> 00:12:11,080 But what? Who? Where? How? 249 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,360 Don't even try to work it out, Baldrick. 250 00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:15,480 Two people you know well have exchanged coats 251 00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:16,840 and now you don't know which is which. 252 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:21,080 I must say I'm pretty confused myself! Which one of us is Wellington? 253 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,280 Wellington is the man at the door. 254 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,480 Oh! And the porpoise? 255 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,280 Hasn't arrived yet, sir. 256 00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:37,040 We'll just have to fill in as best we can without it. 257 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:39,880 Sir, if you would let the Duke in. 258 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,800 Certainly, Your Highness, Your Highness. 259 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:45,920 And you'd better get out too, Baldrick. 260 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,720 Yes, Your Highness, Your Highness. 261 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:51,960 Oh, God. If only they had a brain cell between them. 262 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:55,520 The Duke of Wellington! 263 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:58,080 Have I the honor of addressing the Prince Regent, sir? 264 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,280 You do. 265 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:04,360 Congratulations, Highness, your bearing is far nobler than I'd been informed. 266 00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,640 Take my hat at once, sir, 267 00:13:05,720 --> 00:13:07,560 unless you want to feel my boot in your throat, 268 00:13:07,640 --> 00:13:09,400 and be quicker about it than you were with the door! 269 00:13:09,520 --> 00:13:12,400 - Yes, my Lord. - I'm a Duke, not a Lord! 270 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,040 Where were you trained, a dago dancing class? 271 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,520 Shall I have my people thrash him for you? 272 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,040 No, he's very new. At the moment I'm sparing the rod. 273 00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,840 Fatal error. Give them an inch 274 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,200 and before you know it they've got a foot, 275 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,320 much more than that and you don't have a leg to stand on. 276 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:28,880 Get out! 277 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,720 Now, sir, to business. 278 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,000 I am informed that your royal father grows ever more eccentric 279 00:13:36,080 --> 00:13:41,160 and at present believes himself to be, "A small village in Lincolnshire," 280 00:13:41,240 --> 00:13:45,120 "commanding spectacular views of the Nene valley." 281 00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,840 I therefore pass my full account of the war on to you, 282 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:48,920 the Prince of Wales. 283 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,560 Ah, that's excellent. Thank you. 284 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,400 "We won. Signed, Wellington." 285 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:57,320 Well, that seems to sum it up very well. Was there anything else? 286 00:13:57,400 --> 00:13:59,240 Two other trifling affairs, sir. 287 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:01,240 The men had a whip-round and got you this. 288 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:04,560 Well, what I mean is, I had the men roundly whipped until they got you this. 289 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:08,960 It's a cigarillo-case engraved with the regimental crest 290 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:10,840 of two crossed dead Frenchmen, 291 00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:13,760 emblazoned on a mound of dead Frenchmen motif. 292 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,200 Thank you very much. And the other trifling thing? 293 00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:20,360 Your impending death, Highness. 294 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,240 Oh, yes, of course. Mind like a sieve. 295 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:25,080 Mmm. I cannot deny, I'm looking forward to it. 296 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,760 Britain has the finest trade, the finest armies, 297 00:14:27,840 --> 00:14:29,360 the finest navies in the world. 298 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:33,600 And what do we have for royalty? A mad Kraut sausage sucker 299 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:37,880 and a son who can't keep his own sausage to himself. 300 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,520 - The sooner you're dead the better. - You're very kind. 301 00:14:40,600 --> 00:14:43,720 Now, you're no doubt anxious to catch up with the news of the war. 302 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,680 I have here the most recent briefs from my general in the field. 303 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:47,960 Yes, well if you could just pop them 304 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,400 in the laundry basket on the way out. Tea? 305 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:52,400 Yes, immediately. 306 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,640 Now, let's turn to the second front, my Lord. 307 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:01,880 Ah, yes. Now, as I understand it, Napoleon is in North Africa. 308 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,800 - And Nelson is stationed in... - Alaska, Your Highness. 309 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,600 In case Bony should try and trick us by coming via the North Pole. 310 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,320 Perhaps a preferable stratagem, Your Grace, 311 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,040 might be to harry him amid-ships 312 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:20,920 as he leaves the Mediterranean. Trafalgar might be quite a good spot. 313 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:23,800 Trafalgar? Well, I'll mention it to Nelson. 314 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:26,600 I'm beginning to regret the necessity of killing you, Your Highness. 315 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,320 I'd been told by everybody that the Prince was a confounded moron. 316 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:31,640 Oh, no, no. 317 00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,360 Here's that tiresome servant of yours again. 318 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:36,920 Budge up, budge up. 319 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,240 How dare you sit in the presence of your betters! Get up! 320 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:44,920 - Oh, cripes, yes, I forgot. - You speak when you're spoken to. 321 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,680 Unless you want to be flayed across a gun carriage. Well? 322 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,000 Sir, I fear you have been too long a soldier. 323 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,960 We no longer treat servants that way in London society. 324 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:58,240 Why, I hardly touched the man! 325 00:15:58,320 --> 00:15:59,800 I think you hit him very hard. 326 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:03,520 Nonsense! That would have been a hard hit. 327 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:06,160 I just hit him like that. 328 00:16:06,240 --> 00:16:09,600 No, sir, a soft hit would be like this. 329 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,400 Whereas you hit him like this. 330 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,400 Please, um, I wonder if I might be excused, 331 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,680 Your Highness, Your Highness? 332 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:25,440 Certainly. 333 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:29,280 I'm sorry about that, sir, but one has to keep up the pretence. 334 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,960 I quite understand. You carry on the good work. 335 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,520 Very well, sir. 336 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:40,040 Hang on, this is bloody coffee! I ordered tea! 337 00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:42,880 You really are a confounded fool, aren't you? 338 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,960 I'd heard that the Prince was an imbecile, 339 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,760 whereas his servant Blackadder 340 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,680 was respected about the town. 341 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:53,040 Now that I discover the truth, I'm disposed to beat you to death. Tea! 342 00:17:00,280 --> 00:17:03,880 Tell me, do you ever stop bullying and shouting at the lower orders? 343 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,040 Never! There's only one way to win a campaign, 344 00:17:07,120 --> 00:17:08,960 shout, shout and shout again! 345 00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,520 You don't think then that inspired leadership and tactical ability 346 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:14,800 have anything to do with it? 347 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:18,240 No! It's all down to shouting. 348 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,320 I hear that conditions in your army are appalling. 349 00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:25,360 Well, I'm sorry, but those are my conditions 350 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:26,760 and you'll just have to accept them. 351 00:17:26,840 --> 00:17:30,080 That is, until this evening, when I shall kill you. 352 00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:34,080 - Who knows, maybe I shall kill you. - Nonsense. 353 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:39,640 I've never been so much as scratched, my skin is as smooth as a baby's bottom. 354 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:41,520 Which is more than you can say for my bottom. 355 00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:47,280 One point, sir. I should, perhaps, warn you that while duelling 356 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,760 I tend to put on my lucky wig and regimental accent. 357 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,880 That won't help you. 358 00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,880 It would take a homicidal maniac 359 00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,680 in a claymore and a kilt to get the better of me. 360 00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,360 Well, that's handy. 361 00:18:01,920 --> 00:18:05,440 I'm not leaving this kitchen until that man is out of the house. 362 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:07,200 Oh, God! 363 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:11,080 It's all right, Your Majesty, don't worry, I'll deal with this. 364 00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:15,280 Hello, Baldrick. I've brought your buns. Where's Mr Blackadder? 365 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,680 Oh, not upstairs still, running about after that 366 00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:22,200 port-swilling, tadpole-brained smelly-boots? 367 00:18:23,360 --> 00:18:28,320 - I don't know who you mean. - Prince George, Baldrick. 368 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,720 His boots smell so bad, a man would need to have his nose amputated 369 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,240 before taking them off. 370 00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:37,240 - Well, that's what Mr Blackadder says. - As a joke. 371 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:40,520 Didn't you write a little poem about him last week? 372 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:43,120 - No, I didn't. - Oh, you did. 373 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,000 "In the winter it's cool, in the summer it's hot," 374 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:49,200 "but all the year round, Prince George is a clot." 375 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:53,760 "A lovely." I said Prince George is a lovely. 376 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,240 I'd better be off anyway. 377 00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:00,040 Tell Mr Blackadder to expect Mr MacAdder at 5:00. 378 00:19:00,120 --> 00:19:03,840 As soon as that fat Prussian truffle-pig has got his snout 379 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,120 wedged into a bucket of tea-cakes. 380 00:19:07,760 --> 00:19:10,280 I think it must be next door you're wanting, 381 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:14,000 strange-woman-whom-I've- never-seen-before, Mrs Miggins. 382 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,480 - Bald rick! - Yes, Your Highness? 383 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,320 Is it true? 384 00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,840 Did you really write a poem about how lovely I am? 385 00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:29,080 Yes, and Mr Blackadder loves you too. 386 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,080 I must say I find that very touching. 387 00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,760 I do. 388 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,640 I wish they wouldn't keep on doing that. 389 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:39,760 Goodbye, sir. And may the best man win, i.e. me. 390 00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,600 - Your tea, sir. - You're late! 391 00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:46,000 Where the hell have you been for it? India? 392 00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,800 - Or Ceylon? - Or China? 393 00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,440 Don't bother to show me the way out. 394 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,800 I don't want to die of old age before I get to the front door. 395 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,880 Ah! Miggins. So where's MacAdder? 396 00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:03,960 I thought he was going to be here at 5:00. 397 00:20:04,040 --> 00:20:07,440 Yes, I'm sorry. He's just popped out. 398 00:20:07,520 --> 00:20:11,280 You look ever so similar to each other, you know, it's quite eerie. 399 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:12,720 Look, did you tell him to be here or not? 400 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:15,840 I did, I did. You just seem keep missing each other. 401 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:19,760 - I can't imagine why. - I'll tell you why! 402 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,400 It's because there's no coffee shop in England 403 00:20:22,480 --> 00:20:24,600 big enough for two Blackadders. 404 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:28,360 Ah! Good day, cousin MacAdder. I trust you are well. 405 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,480 Aye, well enough. 406 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,040 - And Morag? - She bides fine. 407 00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:36,640 And how stands that mighty army, the clan MacAdder? 408 00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,200 They're both well. 409 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:39,720 I'm so glad. 410 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:42,840 I always thought that Jamie and Angus were such fine boys. 411 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,320 - Angus is a girl. - Of course. 412 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:50,320 So, tell me, cousin, I hear you have a cunning plan. 413 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,360 I do, I do. 414 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:55,360 I want you to take the place of the Prince Regent 415 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,160 and kill the Duke of Wellington in a duel. 416 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:02,840 - Aye, and what's in it for me? - Enough cash to buy the Outer Hebrides. 417 00:21:02,920 --> 00:21:05,720 - What do you think? - Fourteen shillings and Sixpence? 418 00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:10,520 Well, it's tempting. But I've got an even better plan. 419 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:13,280 Why don't I pretend to be the Duke of Wellington 420 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,280 and kill the Prince of Wales in a duel? 421 00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:18,120 Then I could kill the King and be crowned 422 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,760 with the ancient stone bonnet of MacAdder. 423 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:25,320 And I shall wear the granite gown and limestone bodice of MacMiggins, 424 00:21:25,400 --> 00:21:27,680 Queen of All the Herds. 425 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:31,040 Look, for God's sake, MacAdder, you're not Rob Roy. 426 00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:33,000 You're a top kipper salesman 427 00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:35,560 with a reputable firm of Aberdeen fishmongers. 428 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,200 Don't throw it all away. 429 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:40,600 If you kill the Prince, they'll just send the bailiffs round and arrest you. 430 00:21:40,680 --> 00:21:43,240 Oh blast, I forgot the bailiffs. 431 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,400 So we can return to our original plan then? 432 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:46,880 No, I'm not interested. 433 00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,640 I'd rather go to bed with the Loch Lomond monster. 434 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:52,200 And, besides, I have to be back in the office on Friday. 435 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:53,960 I promised Mr MacNaulty 436 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,760 I'd shift a particularly difficult bloater for him. 437 00:21:58,040 --> 00:22:00,840 Forget the whole thing. I'm off home with Miggsy. 438 00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:05,920 Yes, yes. Show me the glen where the kipper roams free. 439 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:07,840 And forget Morag forever. 440 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:10,640 No, never. I must do right by Morag. 441 00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:14,520 We must return to Scotland and you must fight her in the old Highland way, 442 00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:17,800 bare-breasted and each carrying an eight pound baby. 443 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,240 Yes! I love babies. 444 00:22:21,320 --> 00:22:22,880 You're a woman of spirit! 445 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:25,560 I look forward to burying you in the old Highland manner. 446 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:29,440 Farewell, Blackadder, you spineless goon. 447 00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:35,200 Oh, God! Fortune vomits on my eiderdown once more. 448 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:39,840 Ah, Blackadder. 449 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:44,040 It has been a wild afternoon full of strange omens. 450 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:47,560 I dreamt that a large eagle circled the room three times, 451 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:50,280 and then got into bed with me and took all the blankets. 452 00:22:50,400 --> 00:22:54,240 And then I saw that it wasn't an eagle at all but a large black snake. 453 00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:58,680 Also, Duncan's horses did turn and eat each other, as usual. 454 00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:00,920 Good portents for your duel, do you think? 455 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,760 Not very good, sir. I'm afraid the duel is off. 456 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:07,240 - Off? - As in "sod." I'm not doing it. 457 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,480 By thunder, here's a pretty game. 458 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,720 You will stay, sir, and do duty by your Prince or I shall... 459 00:23:12,800 --> 00:23:18,600 Or what, you port-brained twerp? I've looked after you all my life. 460 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,240 Even when we were babies 461 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:23,000 I had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks. 462 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,520 Oh, please, please, you've got to help me. 463 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,000 I don't want to die. 464 00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,640 I've got so much to give. I want more time. 465 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:31,880 A poignant plea, sir. 466 00:23:31,960 --> 00:23:33,640 Enough to melt the stoniest of hearts. 467 00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:37,560 But the answer, I'm afraid, must remain, "You're going to die, fat pig." 468 00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:41,800 Oh, wait, wait! I'll give you everything. 469 00:23:44,240 --> 00:23:45,720 - Everything? - Everything! 470 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:48,200 - The money, the castles, the jewellery? - Yes. 471 00:23:48,280 --> 00:23:51,960 The highly artistic but also highly illegal set of French lithographs? 472 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:53,400 Everything. 473 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,040 The amusing clock where the little man 474 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,240 comes out and drops his trousers every half hour? 475 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:00,920 - Yes, yes, all right. - Very well, I accept. 476 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,960 A man may fight for many things, 477 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,640 his country, his principles, his friends, 478 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,760 the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. 479 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:12,600 But personally I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, 480 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:16,040 an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn. You're on. 481 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:17,880 Hurrah! 482 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,280 Right, Baldrick. Here's the plan. 483 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,200 When he offers me the swords, 484 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,160 I kick him in the nuts and you set fire to the building. 485 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,720 In the confusion we claim a draw. All right? 486 00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,640 Your Highness, let's be about our business. 487 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,680 Don't forget, Baldrick. You... When I... 488 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,960 Come, sir. Choose your stoker. 489 00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:46,560 What? Are we going to tickle each other to death? 490 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:49,040 No, sir. We fight with cannon. 491 00:24:49,160 --> 00:24:51,000 But I thought we were fighting with swords. 492 00:24:51,080 --> 00:24:54,000 Swords? What do you think this is, the Middle Ages? 493 00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:58,000 Only girls fight with swords these days. 494 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:01,400 Stand by your gun, sir. Hup two three! Hup two three! 495 00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:02,880 Wait a minute! 496 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:08,000 Stand by cannon for loading procedure. Stoke! Muzzle! Wrench! 497 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,760 "Congratulations on choosing" 498 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:15,640 "the Armstrong-Whitworth four-pounder cannonette." 499 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:18,400 "Please read instructions carefully" 500 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,560 "and it should give you years of trouble-free maiming." 501 00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:24,680 Check elevation! 502 00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:29,520 Chart trajectory! Prime fuse! Aim! 503 00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:31,160 - Look. Wait a minute. - Fire! 504 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:37,200 Mr B! Sir, please help me get his coat off. 505 00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,960 Leave it, Baldrick. It doesn't matter. 506 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:42,520 Yes, it does. Blood's hell to shift. I want to get it in to soak. 507 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:46,640 You die like a man, sir, in combat. 508 00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:49,920 You think so? Damn it, we must build a better world. 509 00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:51,640 When will the killing end? 510 00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:54,440 You don't think I too dream of peace? 511 00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:59,680 You don't think that I too yearn to end this damn dirty job we call soldiering? 512 00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:04,480 Frankly, no. My final wish on this Earth is that Baldrick be sold 513 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:08,040 to provide funds for a Blackadder foundation to promote peace 514 00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:10,480 and to do research into the possibility 515 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,680 of an automatic machine for cleaning shoes. 516 00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,120 And so I charge... 517 00:26:17,080 --> 00:26:19,320 His Highness is dead. 518 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:21,640 Actually, I'm not sure I am. 519 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,400 Fortunately, that cigarillo box you gave me 520 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,560 was placed exactly at the point the cannonball struck. 521 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:31,040 I always said smoking was good for you. 522 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:36,960 Honour is satisfied. God clearly preserves you for greatness. 523 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,960 His Highness is saved. Hurrah! 524 00:26:40,040 --> 00:26:43,640 Erm, no actually, it's me. I'm His Highness. 525 00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:45,240 Well done, Bladders, glad you made it. 526 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:49,560 What in the name of Bonaparte's balls is this fellow doing now? 527 00:26:49,640 --> 00:26:51,320 No, I really am the Prince. 528 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,920 It was all just larks, and darn fine larks at that, I thought. 529 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,880 I have never, in all my campaigns, encountered such insolence! 530 00:26:58,960 --> 00:27:04,120 Your master survives an honorable duel and you cheek him like a French whoopsy! 531 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,720 I can contain myself no longer! 532 00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:15,720 I die. I hope men will say of me that I did duty by my country. 533 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,600 I think that's pretty unlikely, sir. 534 00:27:17,840 --> 00:27:20,800 If I was you, I'd try for something a bit more realistic. 535 00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:23,640 - Like what? - You hope that men will think of you 536 00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,200 as a bit of a thicky. 537 00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:28,760 All right, I'll hope that. Toodle-oo, everyone. 538 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:31,480 Kneel for His Majesty, the King of England! 539 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:34,920 Somebody told me my son was here. 540 00:27:35,520 --> 00:27:39,560 I wish him to marry this rose-bush. 541 00:27:40,680 --> 00:27:43,600 I want to make the wedding arrangements. 542 00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,680 Here I am, Daddy. 543 00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:51,680 This is the Iron Duke, Wellington, commander of all your armed forces. 544 00:27:51,920 --> 00:27:55,040 Yes, I recognised the enormous conk. 545 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:58,120 - He's a hero. - A man of wit and discretion. 546 00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:00,000 Bravo. 547 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,760 You know, my son, for the first time in my life 548 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:06,040 I have a real fatherly feeling about you. 549 00:28:06,120 --> 00:28:08,760 People may say I'm stark raving mad 550 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,080 and say the word "Penguin" after each sentence, 551 00:28:12,160 --> 00:28:16,160 but I believe that we two can make Britain great, 552 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:20,720 you as the Prince Regent and I as King Penguin. 553 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:23,000 Well, let's hope, eh? 554 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:25,920 Wellington, will you come and dine with us at the palace? 555 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,600 - My family have a lot to thank you for. - With great pleasure. 556 00:28:29,680 --> 00:28:32,240 Your father may be as mad as a balloon, 557 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:34,560 but I think you have the makings of a fine king. 558 00:28:37,680 --> 00:28:41,080 Oh, and Baldrick, clear away that dead butler, will you? 559 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:48,080 There's a new star in heaven tonight. 560 00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:51,480 A new freckle on the nose of the giant pixie. 561 00:28:52,280 --> 00:28:55,160 Um, no, actually Baldrick, I'm not dead. 562 00:28:55,280 --> 00:28:57,880 You see, I had a cigarillo-box too, look. 563 00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,040 Oh, damn, I must have left it on the dresser.