1 00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:36,040 Tweaks by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:43,250 You look smart, Mr Blackadder. Going somewhere nice? 3 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:46,930 - No, I'm off to the theatre. - Don't you like it, then? 4 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:48,460 No, I don't! 5 00:00:48,490 --> 00:00:50,920 A lot of stupid actors strutting around 6 00:00:50,940 --> 00:00:53,710 shouting, with their chests thrust out so far, 7 00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:55,880 you'd think their nipples were attached 8 00:00:55,910 --> 00:00:57,560 to a pair of charging elephants! 9 00:00:57,850 --> 00:01:01,390 And the worst thing about it is having to go with Prince Mini-Brain! 10 00:01:01,940 --> 00:01:03,900 - Doesn't he like it, either? - He loves it. 11 00:01:04,250 --> 00:01:06,710 The problem is that he doesn't realise it's made up. 12 00:01:06,820 --> 00:01:09,520 Last year, when Brutus was about to kill Julius Caesar, 13 00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:13,760 the Prince yelled out, "Look behind you, Mr Caesar!" 14 00:01:14,010 --> 00:01:16,250 I can't see the point in the theatre. 15 00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:19,700 All that sex and violence-- I get enough of that at home. 16 00:01:19,930 --> 00:01:23,060 Except for the sex, of course. 17 00:01:23,310 --> 00:01:26,100 I want you to give this palace a good clean. 18 00:01:26,130 --> 00:01:29,420 It's so dirty, it'd be unacceptable to a dung-beetle 19 00:01:29,650 --> 00:01:33,820 that had lost interest in its career and really let itself go. 20 00:01:34,070 --> 00:01:36,280 Come on, Blackadder, or we'll miss the first act! 21 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:39,830 Coming, sir, as fast as I can! 22 00:01:40,080 --> 00:01:42,620 Stick the kettle on, Baldrick. 23 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:46,060 Now, sir, give I this advice to thee: 24 00:01:46,190 --> 00:01:49,570 Never, never, never trust thine enemy. 25 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:50,960 Agh! 26 00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:52,290 Aaaaaagh! 27 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,390 Thy life is forfeit, sir... Aaagh... 28 00:02:05,350 --> 00:02:11,530 Thy life is forfeit, sir, and at an end, like our poor play. 29 00:02:11,730 --> 00:02:14,780 We hope it pleased you, friends. 30 00:02:15,030 --> 00:02:17,670 Certainly not, you murdering rotter! 31 00:02:17,690 --> 00:02:19,540 Guards, arrest that man! 32 00:02:19,870 --> 00:02:21,860 Your Highness, it's only a play. 33 00:02:21,890 --> 00:02:24,480 What about the poor fellow who's dead? 34 00:02:24,710 --> 00:02:27,040 Saying "it's only a play" will not feed and clothe 35 00:02:27,070 --> 00:02:29,440 the little ones he leaves behind. Call the militia! 36 00:02:29,670 --> 00:02:33,420 Sir, he's not dead. See, he stands, awaiting your applause. 37 00:02:33,670 --> 00:02:37,050 Oh, I say, that's very clever. He really isn't dead. 38 00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:40,100 Bravo! Bravo! 39 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:45,980 - Blast, the Prince likes it! - Shit, we'll close tonight. 40 00:02:46,190 --> 00:02:49,830 Work for the weavers! Smash the Spinning Jenny! 41 00:02:49,980 --> 00:02:51,610 Burn the Rolling Rosalind! 42 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:55,210 Destroy the Going Up and Down a Bit and then Moving Along Gertrude! 43 00:02:55,530 --> 00:02:58,490 And death to the stupid Prince who grows fat on the profits! 44 00:02:58,740 --> 00:03:00,430 I say, how exciting! 45 00:03:00,460 --> 00:03:04,440 This play's getting better and better! Bravo! 46 00:03:04,660 --> 00:03:08,920 It's not a play any more, sir. 47 00:03:09,170 --> 00:03:13,590 Put the bomb down and make your way quietly to the exit. 48 00:03:13,740 --> 00:03:14,890 Blackadder, you old thing, 49 00:03:14,920 --> 00:03:16,320 your problem is, you can't tell 50 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,370 when something's real and when it's not. 51 00:03:20,850 --> 00:03:23,980 I must say, Blackadder, that was a close shave. 52 00:03:24,230 --> 00:03:30,410 Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill "you"? 53 00:03:31,570 --> 00:03:33,920 I think it might've been you he was after, sir. 54 00:03:33,950 --> 00:03:36,650 Hogwash! What on earth makes you say that? 55 00:03:36,870 --> 00:03:39,800 Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words 56 00:03:39,930 --> 00:03:42,420 "Death to the stupid Prince". 57 00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:44,900 It was a bit rude, wasn't it? 58 00:03:45,250 --> 00:03:47,370 These are volatile times, Your Highness. 59 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,240 The American Revolution lost your father the Colonies, 60 00:03:50,460 --> 00:03:53,010 the French Revolution murdered brave King Louis 61 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,540 and there are tremendous rumblings in Prussia, 62 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,990 although that might be something to do with the sausages. 63 00:03:59,240 --> 00:04:00,310 The whole world cries out, 64 00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:04,420 "Peace, freedom, and a few less fat bastards eating all the pie". 65 00:04:05,150 --> 00:04:08,720 Well, yes, quite, something must be done. Any ideas? 66 00:04:09,070 --> 00:04:13,280 Yes, sir. Next week is your royal father's birthday celebrations. 67 00:04:13,490 --> 00:04:17,240 I suggest that I write a brilliant speech for you to recite, 68 00:04:17,250 --> 00:04:22,520 to show the oppressed masses how unusually sensitive you are. 69 00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:24,360 Tell me about these "oppressed masses", 70 00:04:24,390 --> 00:04:26,010 what are they so worked up about? 71 00:04:26,290 --> 00:04:28,170 Because they are so poor, 72 00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:29,600 they are forced to have children 73 00:04:29,630 --> 00:04:33,980 simply to provide a cheap alternative to turkey at Christmas. 74 00:04:36,850 --> 00:04:39,730 Disease and depravation stalk our land like... 75 00:04:39,850 --> 00:04:42,820 two giant stalking things. 76 00:04:43,620 --> 00:04:46,160 And the working man is poised to overthrow us. 77 00:04:46,190 --> 00:04:48,630 Oh my God, and here he is! 78 00:04:49,650 --> 00:04:52,130 Don't be silly, sir. That's Baldrick, my dogsbody. 79 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,510 He looks like an oppressed mass to me. 80 00:04:54,630 --> 00:04:55,860 Get him out of here at once! 81 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,080 Shoo, Baldrick, carry on with your cleaning elsewhere. 82 00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:01,130 By the end of tonight, I want that dining table so clean 83 00:05:01,150 --> 00:05:03,250 I can eat my dinner off it. 84 00:05:05,790 --> 00:05:08,960 Crikey, Blackadder, I'm dicing with death here. 85 00:05:09,210 --> 00:05:13,180 The sooner I can show how unusually sensitive I am, the better. 86 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,940 Oh, I just had another brilliant thought. 87 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,720 - Another one, Your Highness? - Yes, another one, actually! 88 00:05:19,770 --> 00:05:21,210 You remember that one I had about 89 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:24,050 wearing underwear on the outside to save on laundry bills? 90 00:05:25,180 --> 00:05:26,110 I'm thinking myself, 91 00:05:26,140 --> 00:05:28,740 Why don't we ask those two actors we saw tonight 92 00:05:28,740 --> 00:05:30,840 to teach me how to recite your speech?" 93 00:05:30,870 --> 00:05:33,330 - Brilliant, eh? - No, Your Highness, feeble. 94 00:05:33,780 --> 00:05:35,070 What? 95 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,870 I would advise against it. It's a feeble idea. 96 00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,540 Well, tish and pish to your advice, Blackadder! 97 00:05:40,570 --> 00:05:41,890 Get them here at once! 98 00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:45,260 I'm fed up with you treating me as if I'm some kind of thickie. 99 00:05:45,410 --> 00:05:47,540 It's not me that's thick, it's you! And you know why? 100 00:05:47,570 --> 00:05:50,140 Because I'm the bloody Prince and you're only a butler. 101 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:51,930 Now go and get those actors here this minute, 102 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,000 Mr Thicky-Black-Thicky- Adder-Thicky. 103 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:08,240 Mrs Miggins, I'm looking for a couple of actors. 104 00:06:08,270 --> 00:06:10,890 Well, you've come to the right place, Mr B. 105 00:06:11,110 --> 00:06:15,390 There's more Shakespearian dialogue in here than there are buns. 106 00:06:15,940 --> 00:06:18,900 All my lovely actors pop in on their way to rehearsals 107 00:06:18,930 --> 00:06:23,430 for a little cup of coffee and a big dollop of inspiration. 108 00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:25,750 You mean they actually rehearse? 109 00:06:25,780 --> 00:06:29,450 I thought they got drunk, stuck on a silly hat and trusted to luck. 110 00:06:29,470 --> 00:06:31,370 Oh, no! 111 00:06:31,470 --> 00:06:33,790 There's ever so much hard work 112 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:37,510 that goes into the wonderful magic that is theatre today. 113 00:06:38,430 --> 00:06:41,400 Still I don't expect you'd know much about that, 114 00:06:41,520 --> 00:06:44,360 being only a little butler. 115 00:06:45,860 --> 00:06:46,930 They do say, Mrs M, 116 00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:49,930 that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. 117 00:06:50,450 --> 00:06:52,910 They are of course wrong, as you'll soon discover... 118 00:06:54,030 --> 00:06:56,870 when I stick this toasting fork in your head. 119 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:02,420 Ladies and gentlemen, will you please welcome Mr David Keanrick. 120 00:07:02,620 --> 00:07:07,380 - And the fabulous Mr Enoch Mossop. - Hurrah! Gentlemen, gentlemen! 121 00:07:07,590 --> 00:07:11,170 Settle down, settle down, settle down. I'm sorry, no autographs. 122 00:07:11,420 --> 00:07:14,970 - The usual, Mrs M. - Coming up, my lovely. 123 00:07:15,220 --> 00:07:20,430 Well, if I can just squeeze through this admiring rabble. 124 00:07:21,060 --> 00:07:23,600 Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition. 125 00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:24,970 How dare you, sir. 126 00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:28,230 You think just because we're actors we sleep with everyone. 127 00:07:28,860 --> 00:07:31,900 I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone. 128 00:07:32,110 --> 00:07:34,700 I come here on behalf of my employer, 129 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:37,100 to ask for some elocution lessons. 130 00:07:37,130 --> 00:07:40,060 I fear, sir, that is quite impossible. 131 00:07:40,590 --> 00:07:43,430 We are in the middle of rehearsing our new play 132 00:07:43,450 --> 00:07:45,310 and we could not possibly betray our 133 00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:47,400 beloved audience by taking time off. 134 00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,360 Oh no, mustn't upset the punters. 135 00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:53,380 Bums on seats, laddie, bums on seats. 136 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:56,560 And what play is this? 137 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,240 It is a piece we penned ourselves, called 138 00:07:59,390 --> 00:08:03,060 "The Bloody Murder of the Foul Prince Romero 139 00:08:03,180 --> 00:08:06,140 and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife". 140 00:08:07,570 --> 00:08:09,560 A philosophical work, then. 141 00:08:10,010 --> 00:08:11,510 Indeed yes, sir. 142 00:08:11,660 --> 00:08:13,310 The violence of the murder... 143 00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:17,580 and the vastness of the bosom are entirely justified artistically. 144 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,350 Right, I'll tell the Prince that you can't make it. 145 00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:22,970 - Prince? - Sorry, yes, didn't I mention that? 146 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,600 It's the Prince Regent. Shame you can't make it. 147 00:08:25,730 --> 00:08:28,510 No, no, no, please, no. Please wait, sir. 148 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,430 Off, off! 149 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:35,370 I think we can find some time, Mr Keanrick. 150 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:36,770 Definitely, Mr Mossop. 151 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:39,630 No, you've got your beloved audience to think about. 152 00:08:39,830 --> 00:08:45,630 - Sod the proles! We'll come. - Yes, worthless bastards to a man. 153 00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:48,170 It's nice to see artistic integrity thriving 154 00:08:48,190 --> 00:08:50,190 so strongly in the acting community. 155 00:08:50,610 --> 00:08:54,200 This afternoon at four, then, at the Palace. 156 00:08:56,620 --> 00:09:01,210 - Well, what do you think? - Are you ill or something? 157 00:09:01,460 --> 00:09:04,040 No, I'm simply trying to look more like an actor. 158 00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:06,280 I'm sure you don't need the false moustache. 159 00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:07,810 - No? - No. 160 00:09:07,930 --> 00:09:08,680 Ow! 161 00:09:10,670 --> 00:09:12,960 Egads, it's that oppressed mass again! 162 00:09:14,570 --> 00:09:17,660 No, sir, that is Baldrick spring cleaning. 163 00:09:18,810 --> 00:09:20,100 Oh yes, so it is. 164 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:24,360 - Finish the job later, Baldrick. - The cleaning or the being strangled? 165 00:09:24,610 --> 00:09:26,750 Either suits me. 166 00:09:28,540 --> 00:09:31,170 Look, Blackadder, this is all getting a bit hairy, isn't it? 167 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,490 Are you sure we can even trust these acting fellows? 168 00:09:33,670 --> 00:09:36,520 Last time, three of them murdered Julius Caesar, 169 00:09:36,750 --> 00:09:39,010 and one of them was his best friend Brutus. 170 00:09:39,540 --> 00:09:42,570 As I've told you about eight times, 171 00:09:42,590 --> 00:09:46,860 the man playing Julius Caesar was an actor called Kemp. 172 00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:48,970 - Really? - Yes. 173 00:09:49,420 --> 00:09:50,600 Thundering gherkins! 174 00:09:50,620 --> 00:09:53,510 Brutus must have been pretty miffed when he found out. 175 00:09:54,140 --> 00:09:55,560 What? 176 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,380 That he hadn't killed Caesar after all, 177 00:09:57,400 --> 00:09:59,380 just some poxy actor called Kemp. 178 00:09:59,560 --> 00:10:02,730 Do you think he went to Caesar's place after the play and killed him then? 179 00:10:02,980 --> 00:10:05,530 Oh, God, it's pathetic! 180 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,740 - Is that the door? - Don't worry, it's just the actors. 181 00:10:16,250 --> 00:10:17,920 - My uncle Baldrick was in a play once. 182 00:10:17,940 --> 00:10:20,740 - Really? - Yeah, it was called Macbeth. 183 00:10:21,730 --> 00:10:24,890 - And what did he play? - Second codpiece. 184 00:10:27,840 --> 00:10:30,150 Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes. 185 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:34,000 So he was a stunt codpiece? 186 00:10:37,510 --> 00:10:40,440 Did he have a large part? 187 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:47,030 Depends who's playing Macbeth. 188 00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:50,230 Incidentally, Baldrick, actors are very superstitious. 189 00:10:50,340 --> 00:10:54,510 On no account mention the word "Macbeth" this evening, all right? 190 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:57,830 It brings them bad luck and it makes them very unhappy. 191 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,460 Oh, so you won't be mentioning it either? 192 00:11:00,490 --> 00:11:01,520 No. 193 00:11:01,900 --> 00:11:04,160 Well, not very often. 194 00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:08,490 You should have knocked. 195 00:11:08,540 --> 00:11:10,560 Our knocks, impertinent butler, 196 00:11:10,590 --> 00:11:12,970 were loud enough to wake the hounds of hell. 197 00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:17,380 - Lead on, McDuff. - I shall. 198 00:11:22,560 --> 00:11:24,590 Lest you continue in your quotation 199 00:11:24,620 --> 00:11:27,190 and mention the name of the Scottish play. 200 00:11:27,610 --> 00:11:31,410 Never fear, I shan't do that. 201 00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:35,830 By the Scottish play, I assume you mean Macbeth. 202 00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,960 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 203 00:11:40,210 --> 00:11:44,210 - What was that? - We were exorcising evil spirits. 204 00:11:44,460 --> 00:11:45,510 Being but a mere butler, 205 00:11:45,530 --> 00:11:48,120 you will not know the great theatre tradition 206 00:11:48,150 --> 00:11:51,770 that one does never speak the name of the Scottish play. 207 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:53,960 What, Macbeth? 208 00:11:54,460 --> 00:11:57,680 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 209 00:11:58,230 --> 00:12:01,480 You mean you have to do that every time I say "Macbeth"? 210 00:12:01,730 --> 00:12:06,610 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 211 00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,170 Will you please stop saying that! 212 00:12:09,190 --> 00:12:11,430 Always call it "the Scottish play". 213 00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:13,090 You want me to say "the Scottish Play"? 214 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:13,630 Yes! 215 00:12:14,010 --> 00:12:15,290 Rather than "Macbeth"? 216 00:12:16,540 --> 00:12:19,420 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 217 00:12:19,570 --> 00:12:21,440 Say, what is all this hullabaloo, 218 00:12:21,560 --> 00:12:24,270 all this shouting and yelling blue murder? 219 00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,310 It's like that play we saw the other day, what was it called? 220 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:28,650 Macbeth, sir. 221 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,820 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 222 00:12:33,070 --> 00:12:38,160 - No, no, it was called Julius Caesar. - Ah yes, of course, Julius Caesar. 223 00:12:38,810 --> 00:12:40,210 Not Macbeth. 224 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:44,770 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 225 00:12:45,320 --> 00:12:47,870 Are you sure you want these people to stay? 226 00:12:47,890 --> 00:12:50,560 I asked them, didn't I, Mr Thicky Butler. 227 00:12:50,740 --> 00:12:52,380 Your Royal Highness, may I say 228 00:12:52,410 --> 00:12:54,530 what a great honour it is to be invited? 229 00:12:54,680 --> 00:12:56,470 - Why certainly. - Thank you. 230 00:12:56,720 --> 00:12:59,910 What a great honour that it is to be invited here 231 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:02,740 to make merry, in the halls of our King's 232 00:13:02,770 --> 00:13:05,840 loins' most glorious outpouring. 233 00:13:06,420 --> 00:13:07,670 Ugh! 234 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,510 Now, Your Highness, shall we begin straight away? 235 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,020 - Now, I've got this... - Before we inspect the script, 236 00:13:15,070 --> 00:13:18,950 let us have a look at stance. 237 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,830 The ordinary fellow stands like, well, as you do now. 238 00:13:24,130 --> 00:13:28,310 Whereas your hero... stands thus. 239 00:13:29,110 --> 00:13:31,870 Right, sort of like this... 240 00:13:32,070 --> 00:13:35,080 Excellent, Your Highness. Even more so... 241 00:13:35,330 --> 00:13:37,870 Like that? 242 00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,630 - What was that noise? - It wasn't me. 243 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:47,630 We are used to standing in this position. 244 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:53,140 It came from over here. 245 00:13:53,390 --> 00:13:55,390 - Anarchist! - Cleaner! 246 00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,230 So you've had a wash, that's no excuse! 247 00:13:59,980 --> 00:14:03,820 - That is Baldrick spring cleaning. - But look, he's got a bomb! 248 00:14:03,870 --> 00:14:06,670 It's not a bomb, sir, it's a sponge. 249 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:07,910 So it is. 250 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:10,110 Get it out of here at once before it explodes. 251 00:14:13,030 --> 00:14:16,200 Now, stance. I'm sorry about that. I think we really had something there. 252 00:14:16,250 --> 00:14:17,220 Yes, Your Highness. 253 00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:22,370 Your very posture tells me "Here is a man of true greatness". 254 00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:26,020 Either that, or "Here are my genitals, please kick them". 255 00:14:28,290 --> 00:14:31,310 Sir, I really must ask 256 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:34,570 that this ill-educated oaf be removed from the room. 257 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,060 Get out! 258 00:14:36,090 --> 00:14:39,250 Your presence here is as useful as fine bone china 259 00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:41,870 at a tea-party for drunken elephants. 260 00:14:41,870 --> 00:14:42,740 Is that right? 261 00:14:42,770 --> 00:14:46,140 Well, yes, get out Blackadder, and stop corking our juices. 262 00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:47,680 Certainly, Your Highness. 263 00:14:47,710 --> 00:14:49,870 I'll leave you to dribble in private. 264 00:14:53,850 --> 00:14:55,370 Something wrong, Mr B? 265 00:14:55,390 --> 00:14:57,530 I've had it up to here with that Prince. 266 00:14:57,560 --> 00:14:59,620 One more insult, and I'll hand in my notice. 267 00:14:59,650 --> 00:15:01,250 Does that mean I'll be butler? 268 00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:03,910 Not unless some kindly surgeon 269 00:15:03,930 --> 00:15:07,510 cuts your head open with a spade and sticks a new brain in it. 270 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,050 I don't know why I put up with it. I really don't. 271 00:15:11,080 --> 00:15:14,370 Every year at the Guild of Butlers' Christmas Party 272 00:15:14,390 --> 00:15:17,400 I'm the one who has to wear the red nose for winning the 273 00:15:17,420 --> 00:15:20,260 "Who's got the stupidest master" competition. 274 00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:23,180 All I can say is, he'd better watch out! 275 00:15:23,330 --> 00:15:25,870 One more foot wrong and the contract between us 276 00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:27,920 will be as broken as this milk-jug. 277 00:15:28,150 --> 00:15:30,300 But that milk-jug isn't broken. 278 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:32,340 You really do walk into these things. 279 00:15:39,250 --> 00:15:43,260 Excellent. And now, sir, at last, the speech. 280 00:15:43,470 --> 00:15:44,490 Right. 281 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,280 No, Your Royal Highness. 282 00:15:51,110 --> 00:15:53,250 What have you forgotten? 283 00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:55,810 If I stand any more heroically than this, 284 00:15:56,060 --> 00:16:00,020 I'm in danger of seriously disappointing my future Queen. 285 00:16:00,270 --> 00:16:05,030 No, Your Highness, not the stance, the "roar". 286 00:16:05,280 --> 00:16:08,780 - You want me to roar? - Of course we wish you to roar. 287 00:16:08,830 --> 00:16:12,170 All great orators roar before commencing their speeches. 288 00:16:12,400 --> 00:16:14,130 It is the way of things. 289 00:16:14,750 --> 00:16:17,320 Mr Keanrick, from your Hamlet, please. 290 00:16:20,170 --> 00:16:21,570 Ooooooo, to be or not to be. 291 00:16:28,510 --> 00:16:31,600 From your Julius Caesar. 292 00:16:31,810 --> 00:16:38,340 Ooooooo, friends, Romans, countrymen... 293 00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:44,570 From your leading character, in a play connected with Scotland. 294 00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:47,530 That's Macbeth, isn't it? 295 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:52,620 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. Ow! 296 00:16:57,300 --> 00:17:02,820 Let's all roar together, shall we? One, two, three... 297 00:17:02,970 --> 00:17:04,050 Oooooooo! 298 00:17:07,780 --> 00:17:09,970 Excellent, Your Highness. 299 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:12,780 Now, shall we try putting it all together? 300 00:17:16,290 --> 00:17:20,610 Rooooaaarr! Unaccustomed as I am... 301 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,890 No, no, no. 302 00:17:25,350 --> 00:17:29,810 Alas, I fear you mew it like a frightened tree. 303 00:17:31,260 --> 00:17:34,080 May I see the speech? 304 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,040 Who wrote this drivel? 305 00:17:50,150 --> 00:17:52,780 Is there a problem with the speech? 306 00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:56,690 Well, yes, there is a problem, actually. 307 00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:58,770 The problem is that you wrote it, 308 00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:04,700 Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-Can't-Write- For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed! 309 00:18:09,590 --> 00:18:10,630 Whoops! 310 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:16,490 Shall I get their supper, sir? 311 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:19,210 Yes, preferably something that has first passed 312 00:18:19,230 --> 00:18:21,610 through the digestive system of the cat. 313 00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,420 And you'll have to take it up yourself. 314 00:18:24,450 --> 00:18:25,210 Why? 315 00:18:25,230 --> 00:18:26,810 Because I'm leaving, Baldrick. 316 00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:29,560 I'm about to enter the job market. 317 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:33,710 Right, let's see. Situations vacant: 318 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,690 Mr and Mrs Pitt are looking for a baby-minder 319 00:18:37,710 --> 00:18:40,580 to take Pitt the Younger to Parliament. 320 00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:45,810 Some fellow called George Stevenson has invented a moving kettle, 321 00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:49,320 wants someone to help with the marketing. 322 00:18:49,350 --> 00:18:51,500 Oh, there's a foreign opportunity here. 323 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:56,100 Treacherous, malicious, unprincipled cad, preferably non-smoker, 324 00:18:56,120 --> 00:19:00,700 wanted to be King of Sardinia. No time wasters, please. 325 00:19:01,050 --> 00:19:05,560 Apply to: Napoleon Bonaparte, PO Box 1, Paris. 326 00:19:05,780 --> 00:19:08,050 Right! We're on our way! 327 00:19:11,270 --> 00:19:15,730 Oh, sir, about costume... Any thoughts? 328 00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:19,280 Well, enormous trousers, certainly, 329 00:19:19,530 --> 00:19:21,840 and perhaps an Admiral's uniform, 330 00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:24,880 because we know what all the nice girls love, don't we? 331 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:29,320 I'll tell you what, why don't I go and try them on for you? 332 00:19:30,430 --> 00:19:31,560 Help yourselves to wine. 333 00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:34,900 You'll need a stiff drink when you see the size of these damn trousers. 334 00:19:37,380 --> 00:19:41,050 - Oh, my dear, what a ghastly evening! - You're so right, love. 335 00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:44,630 Look, while he's gone, why don't we have a quick read-through of 336 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,890 "The Murder of Prince Romero and His Enormous-Bosomed Wife"? 337 00:19:48,140 --> 00:19:50,220 Act 1, Scene 1? 338 00:19:50,430 --> 00:19:52,760 "Spring has come, with all its gentle showers. 339 00:19:52,790 --> 00:19:55,430 Methinks it's time to hack the Prince to death." 340 00:19:55,850 --> 00:19:58,720 Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss 341 00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:01,550 your honest and friendly companionship. 342 00:20:01,780 --> 00:20:03,240 Ah, thank you, Mr B. 343 00:20:03,490 --> 00:20:06,620 But as we both know, it'd be an utter lie. 344 00:20:06,670 --> 00:20:10,330 I will therefore confine myself to saying simply, "Sod off", 345 00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,670 and if I ever meet you again, 346 00:20:12,700 --> 00:20:15,030 it'll be twenty billion years too soon. 347 00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:20,030 Goodbye, you lazy, big-nosed, rubber-faced bastard. 348 00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:28,930 I fear, Baldrick, that you will soon be eating 349 00:20:28,960 --> 00:20:31,050 those badly chosen words. 350 00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:33,590 I wouldn't bet you a single groat 351 00:20:33,610 --> 00:20:36,380 that you could survive five minutes here without me. 352 00:20:36,410 --> 00:20:37,620 Come on, Mr B, 353 00:20:37,650 --> 00:20:39,410 it's not as though we're gonna get murdered 354 00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,090 or anything the minute you leave, is it? 355 00:20:41,180 --> 00:20:43,310 Hope springs eternal, Baldrick. 356 00:20:45,530 --> 00:20:47,660 Coming! 357 00:20:48,110 --> 00:20:53,020 - Let's kill the Prince. - Who shall strike first? 358 00:20:53,470 --> 00:20:59,240 Let me, and let this dagger's point prick out his soft eyeball 359 00:20:59,490 --> 00:21:04,310 and sup with glee upon its exquisite jelly. 360 00:21:05,460 --> 00:21:07,750 Have you the stomach? 361 00:21:07,860 --> 00:21:11,100 I have not killed him yet, sir, but when I do, 362 00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:15,280 I shall have the stomach and the liver, too, 363 00:21:15,630 --> 00:21:20,510 and the floppily-doppilies in their horrid glue. 364 00:21:20,860 --> 00:21:24,860 What if a servant should hear us in our plotting? 365 00:21:25,020 --> 00:21:30,030 Then shall we have servant sausages for tea. 366 00:21:30,980 --> 00:21:35,480 And servant rissoles shall our supper be. 367 00:21:37,090 --> 00:21:40,710 Murder! Murder! The Revolution's started! 368 00:21:40,860 --> 00:21:43,120 - What?! - A plot, a plot to kill you! 369 00:21:43,370 --> 00:21:45,280 Ah, so you've come clean at last, have you, 370 00:21:45,310 --> 00:21:47,170 you bloody little poor person. 371 00:21:47,400 --> 00:21:50,190 Not me! The actors downstairs, they're anarchists! 372 00:21:51,140 --> 00:21:52,230 I heard them plotting. 373 00:21:52,230 --> 00:21:55,110 They're gonna poke out your liver, turn me into rissole, 374 00:21:55,140 --> 00:21:57,640 and then suck on your exquisite floppily-doppilies. 375 00:21:58,690 --> 00:22:01,150 - What are we going to do? - Mr Blackadder says, 376 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,230 "when the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table". 377 00:22:04,780 --> 00:22:08,450 - Blackadder, of course! Where is he? - He's in Sardinia. 378 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,580 - What? Why? - You were rude to him, so he left. 379 00:22:11,630 --> 00:22:14,380 Oh no! What a mad, blundering, 380 00:22:14,410 --> 00:22:17,400 incredibly handsome young nincompoop I've been. 381 00:22:17,990 --> 00:22:18,870 What are we to do? 382 00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:21,640 If we go downstairs, they'll chop us up and eat us alive. 383 00:22:22,130 --> 00:22:24,630 We're doomed, doomed! 384 00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,440 Good evening, Your Highness. 385 00:22:38,650 --> 00:22:40,930 Four minutes and 22 seconds, Baldrick. 386 00:22:41,060 --> 00:22:42,830 You owe me a groat. 387 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,620 Thank God you're here! We desperately need you! 388 00:22:45,650 --> 00:22:47,030 Who, me, sir? 389 00:22:47,030 --> 00:22:50,270 Mr Thicky-Black- Thicky-Adder-Thicky? 390 00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:51,770 Oh tish! 391 00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:54,710 Mr Hopelessly-Drivelly-Can't-Write- For-Toffee-Crappy-Butler-Weed? 392 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:55,760 Yes, well... 393 00:22:56,210 --> 00:23:00,340 Mr Brilliantly-Undervalued-Butler who hasn't had a raise in a fortnight? 394 00:23:00,690 --> 00:23:04,750 Take an extra thousand... ...guineas per month? 395 00:23:05,660 --> 00:23:07,470 All right. What's your problem? 396 00:23:08,020 --> 00:23:10,350 The actors have turned out to be vicious anarchists! 397 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:11,960 They intend to kill us all! 398 00:23:12,190 --> 00:23:13,960 What, are they going to bore us to death? 399 00:23:13,990 --> 00:23:15,860 No, stab us! Baldrick overheard them. 400 00:23:15,890 --> 00:23:16,690 I did! 401 00:23:16,690 --> 00:23:18,900 - Are you sure they meant it, sir? - Quite sure. 402 00:23:18,950 --> 00:23:20,920 - How far apart were their legs? - This far. 403 00:23:21,070 --> 00:23:22,560 - And their nipples? - That far. 404 00:23:22,710 --> 00:23:23,720 They meant it, all right. 405 00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:25,560 All right, sir, I'll see what I can do. 406 00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:28,480 To torture him, I lust. 407 00:23:28,730 --> 00:23:32,340 Let's singe his hair, and up his nostrils... 408 00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:35,550 ...hot bananas thrust. 409 00:23:37,660 --> 00:23:40,490 - Rehearsals going well, gentlemen? - Begone! 410 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,830 A mere butler with the intellectual capacity 411 00:23:42,860 --> 00:23:45,400 of a squashed apricot can be of no use to us. 412 00:23:45,820 --> 00:23:47,180 Indeed yes, sir. 413 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:49,900 Your participation is as irritating 414 00:23:49,910 --> 00:23:52,880 as a potted cactus in a monkey's pyjamas. 415 00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:57,140 Well, in that case, I won't interrupt you any longer. 416 00:23:57,890 --> 00:23:59,730 Sorry to disturb, gentlemen. 417 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,730 Blackadder, thank God you're safe! Well, what happened? 418 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,890 Sir, there was no need to panic. It was all perfectly straightforward. 419 00:24:11,140 --> 00:24:12,270 They're traitors, sir. 420 00:24:13,670 --> 00:24:17,140 They must be arrested, brutally tortured and executed forthwith. 421 00:24:17,220 --> 00:24:18,640 Bravo! 422 00:24:21,010 --> 00:24:24,190 But Your Highness, there's been a terrible mistake. 423 00:24:24,300 --> 00:24:26,640 That's what they were bound to say, sir. 424 00:24:26,790 --> 00:24:28,650 It was a play, sir, a play! 425 00:24:28,670 --> 00:24:31,990 Look, all the words you heard were written down on that page. 426 00:24:32,010 --> 00:24:33,710 Text book stuff again, you see. 427 00:24:33,730 --> 00:24:37,280 The criminals' vanity always makes them make one tiny mistake. 428 00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:40,150 Theirs was to have their entire conspiracy 429 00:24:40,170 --> 00:24:42,910 printed and published in plain manuscript. 430 00:24:43,430 --> 00:24:47,480 - Take them away! - Mercy, we beg for mercy! 431 00:24:47,590 --> 00:24:50,080 I have got only one thing to say to you... Macbeth! 432 00:24:50,990 --> 00:24:54,700 Hot potato, off his drawers, pluck to make amends. 433 00:24:55,810 --> 00:24:58,330 Well done, Bladder! How can I ever thank you? 434 00:24:58,380 --> 00:25:00,430 You can start by not calling me "Bladder", sir. 435 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:02,980 Macbeth! 436 00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:05,310 Of course, Bladder. No sooner said than done. 437 00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:07,360 - No hard feelings? - No, sir. 438 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:08,960 It's good to be back in the saddle. 439 00:25:08,980 --> 00:25:12,000 Did I say saddle? I meant harness. 440 00:25:12,650 --> 00:25:16,520 Bravo! So we're the best of friends as ever we were. Hurrah! 441 00:25:16,670 --> 00:25:18,140 In fact, now that the evil... 442 00:25:18,170 --> 00:25:20,500 Mossop and Keanrick have got their comeuppance, 443 00:25:20,620 --> 00:25:22,330 the Drury Lane Theatre is free. 444 00:25:22,460 --> 00:25:24,350 I thought we might celebrate by staging 445 00:25:24,380 --> 00:25:25,940 a little play that I've written. 446 00:25:26,000 --> 00:25:27,340 Oh, what an excellent idea! 447 00:25:27,370 --> 00:25:29,690 And with my new-found acting skills, 448 00:25:29,710 --> 00:25:31,380 might there be a part in it for me? 449 00:25:31,580 --> 00:25:33,960 I was hoping that you might play the title role. 450 00:25:34,070 --> 00:25:37,060 What a roaringly good idea! What's the play called? 451 00:25:37,270 --> 00:25:40,110 "Thick Jack Clot Sits in the Stocks 452 00:25:40,140 --> 00:25:42,920 and Gets Pelted with Rancid Tomatoes" 453 00:25:43,840 --> 00:25:45,040 Excellent! 454 00:25:46,870 --> 00:25:54,870 Tweaks by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com