1 00:00:28,650 --> 00:00:36,650 Tweaks by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:37,260 --> 00:00:40,300 Oh, Blackadder! Blackadder! 3 00:00:40,980 --> 00:00:43,300 - Your Highness. - What time is it? 4 00:00:43,620 --> 00:00:45,710 Three o'clock in the afternoon, Your Highness. 5 00:00:45,730 --> 00:00:48,320 Thank God for that, I thought I'd overslept. 6 00:00:48,730 --> 00:00:51,110 I trust you had a pleasant evening, sir? 7 00:00:51,130 --> 00:00:54,300 Well, no, actually. The most extraordinary thing happened. 8 00:00:54,980 --> 00:00:58,300 Last night I was having a bit of a snack at the Naughty Hellfire Club, 9 00:00:58,730 --> 00:01:02,300 and some fellow said that I had the wit and sophistication of a donkey. 10 00:01:03,090 --> 00:01:05,700 - An absurd suggestion, sir. - You're right, it is absurd. 11 00:01:05,730 --> 00:01:08,300 Unless, of course, it was a particularly stupid donkey. 12 00:01:10,730 --> 00:01:12,300 If only I'd thought of saying that. 13 00:01:13,300 --> 00:01:15,160 It is so often the way, sir, too late one 14 00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:16,800 thinks of what one should have said. 15 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,220 Sir Thomas More, for instance, 16 00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:21,820 burned alive for refusing to recant his Catholicism, 17 00:01:21,860 --> 00:01:24,730 must have been kicking himself, as the flames licked higher, 18 00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:27,010 that it never occurred to him to say, 19 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,520 "I recant my Catholicism." 20 00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:34,500 Only the other day, Prime Minister Pitt called me an idle scrounger, 21 00:01:34,650 --> 00:01:37,800 and it wasn't until ages later that I thought how clever it would've been 22 00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:41,300 to have said, "Oh, bugger off, you old fart!" 23 00:01:41,580 --> 00:01:43,810 I need to improve my mind, Blackadder. 24 00:01:43,840 --> 00:01:45,120 I want people to say, 25 00:01:45,170 --> 00:01:49,300 "That George, why, he's as clever as a stick in a bucket of pig swill." 26 00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:52,800 And how do you suggest this miracle is to be achieved, Your Highness? 27 00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:56,300 Easy, I shall become best friends with the cleverest man in England. 28 00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,380 That renowned brainbox, Dr Samuel Johnson, 29 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,720 has asked me to be patron of his new book. And I intend to accept. 30 00:02:03,730 --> 00:02:06,300 Would this be the long awaited dictionary, sir? 31 00:02:06,980 --> 00:02:10,100 Who cares about the title as long as there's plenty of juicy murders in it. 32 00:02:10,170 --> 00:02:12,600 - I hear it's a masterpiece. - No, sir, it is not. 33 00:02:12,820 --> 00:02:15,590 It's the most pointless book since "How To Learn French" 34 00:02:15,610 --> 00:02:18,320 was translated into French. 35 00:02:20,260 --> 00:02:23,300 You haven't got anything personal against Johnson, have you Blackadder? 36 00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:25,640 Good Lord, sir, not at all. 37 00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:29,020 In fact, I had never heard of him until you mentioned him just now. 38 00:02:29,260 --> 00:02:32,300 - But you do think he's a genius? - No, sir, I do not. 39 00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:36,400 Unless, of course, the definition of "genius" in his ridiculous dictionary 40 00:02:36,450 --> 00:02:39,780 is "a fat dullard or wobblebottom; 41 00:02:40,310 --> 00:02:42,920 a pompous ass with sweaty dewflaps." 42 00:02:45,140 --> 00:02:48,300 Close shave there, then. Lucky you warned me. 43 00:02:48,890 --> 00:02:51,300 I was about to embrace this unholy arse to the royal bosom. 44 00:02:52,490 --> 00:02:54,480 I'm delighted to have been instrumental 45 00:02:54,510 --> 00:02:56,820 in keeping your bosom free of arses. 46 00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:01,300 Bravo! I don't want to waste my valuable time with wobblebottoms. 47 00:03:01,560 --> 00:03:05,000 Fetch some tea, will you, Blackadder? Make it two cups, will you? 48 00:03:05,300 --> 00:03:08,300 That splendid brainbox Dr Johnson is coming round. 49 00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:13,300 Something wrong, Mr B? 50 00:03:14,490 --> 00:03:16,970 Something's always wrong, Balders. 51 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,520 The fact that I'm not a millionaire aristocrat 52 00:03:20,580 --> 00:03:25,300 with the sexual capacity of a rutting rhino is a constant niggle. 53 00:03:25,540 --> 00:03:27,450 But, today, something's even wronger. 54 00:03:27,470 --> 00:03:30,720 That globulous fraud, Dr Johnson, is coming to tea. 55 00:03:30,790 --> 00:03:33,500 I thought he was the cleverest man in England. 56 00:03:33,730 --> 00:03:35,240 I'd bump into cleverer people 57 00:03:35,270 --> 00:03:38,520 at a lodge meeting of the Guild of Village Idiots. 58 00:03:38,930 --> 00:03:41,300 That's not what you said when you sent him your navel. 59 00:03:41,770 --> 00:03:46,300 Novel, Baldrick, not navel. I sent him my novel. 60 00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:51,900 Well, novel or navel, it sounds a bit like a bag of grapefruits to me. 61 00:03:52,390 --> 00:03:54,520 The phrase, Baldrick, is "a case of sour grapes", 62 00:03:54,550 --> 00:03:56,420 and yes it bloody well is. 63 00:03:56,980 --> 00:03:59,160 He might at least have written back, but no, 64 00:03:59,190 --> 00:04:01,920 nothing, not even a "Dear Gertrude Perkins, 65 00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:05,600 Thank you for your book. Get stuffed. Samuel Johnson." 66 00:04:05,610 --> 00:04:06,700 Gertrude Perkins? 67 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,520 Yes, I gave myself a female pseudonym. 68 00:04:09,730 --> 00:04:13,300 Everybody's doing it these days: Mrs Radcliffe, Jane Austen... 69 00:04:13,980 --> 00:04:16,300 - Jane Austen's a man? - Of course. 70 00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:20,300 A huge Yorkshireman with a beard like a rhododendron bush. 71 00:04:21,250 --> 00:04:22,870 Quite a small one, then? 72 00:04:22,890 --> 00:04:25,620 Compared to Dorothy Wordsworth's, certainly. 73 00:04:26,050 --> 00:04:28,800 James Boswell is the only real woman writing at the moment, 74 00:04:29,050 --> 00:04:32,300 and that's just because she wants to get inside Johnson's britches. 75 00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,260 Perhaps your book really isn't any good. 76 00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:38,520 It's taken me seven years, and it's perfect. 77 00:04:38,570 --> 00:04:41,000 "Edmund: A Butler's Tale" 78 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:46,300 A giant rollercoaster of a novel in four hundred sizzling chapters. 79 00:04:46,570 --> 00:04:50,340 A searing indictment of domestic servitude in the 18th century, 80 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,420 with some hot gypsies thrown in. 81 00:04:53,540 --> 00:04:55,290 My magnum opus, Baldrick. 82 00:04:55,310 --> 00:04:58,120 Everybody has one novel in them, and this is mine. 83 00:04:58,170 --> 00:05:01,300 And this is mine. 84 00:05:01,570 --> 00:05:03,500 My magnificent octopus. 85 00:05:04,420 --> 00:05:08,300 - This is your novel, Baldrick? - Yeah, I can't stand long books. 86 00:05:09,020 --> 00:05:13,300 "Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage called Baldrick, 87 00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:17,300 and it lived happily ever after." 88 00:05:17,610 --> 00:05:22,300 - It's semi autobiographical. - And it's completely utterly awful. 89 00:05:22,810 --> 00:05:25,300 Dr Johnson will probably love it. 90 00:05:26,490 --> 00:05:28,400 Speak of the devil... 91 00:05:28,430 --> 00:05:32,520 Well, I'd better go and make the great Doctor comfortable. 92 00:05:32,690 --> 00:05:37,500 Let's just see how damned smart Dr Fatty-Know-It-All really is. 93 00:05:37,610 --> 00:05:40,900 - And prepare a fire for the Prince. - What shall I use? 94 00:05:41,460 --> 00:05:43,600 Any old rubbish will do. Paper's quite good. 95 00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:46,320 Here, try this for starters. 96 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,300 Enter! 97 00:05:50,570 --> 00:05:53,300 - Dr Johnson, Your Highness. - Ah, Dr Johnson! 98 00:05:53,860 --> 00:05:55,040 Damn cold day! 99 00:05:55,070 --> 00:05:57,120 Indeed it is, sir, but a very fine one. 100 00:05:57,250 --> 00:06:00,400 I celebrated last night the encyclopaedic implementation 101 00:06:00,460 --> 00:06:04,300 of my premeditated orchestration of demotic Anglo-Saxon. 102 00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:08,300 Didn't catch any of that. 103 00:06:08,980 --> 00:06:10,940 I simply observed, sir, that I'm felicitous, 104 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,320 since, during the course of the penultimate solar sojourn, 105 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,650 I terminated my uninterrupted categorisation 106 00:06:17,670 --> 00:06:21,320 of the vocabulary of our post-Norman tongue. 107 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:24,720 I don't know what you're talking about, 108 00:06:24,740 --> 00:06:27,100 but it sounds damn saucy, you lucky thing. 109 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:29,400 I know some liberal-minded girls, 110 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:32,180 but I've never penultimated any of them in a solar sojourn, 111 00:06:32,210 --> 00:06:34,820 or been given any Norman tongue. 112 00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:40,600 I believe, sir, that the Doctor is trying to tell you 113 00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:43,120 that he is happy because he has finished his book. 114 00:06:43,220 --> 00:06:45,900 It has apparently taken him ten years. 115 00:06:45,980 --> 00:06:48,600 Yes, well, I'm a slow reader myself. 116 00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:56,200 Here it is, sir, the very cornerstone of English scholarship. 117 00:06:56,490 --> 00:07:01,000 This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language. 118 00:07:01,250 --> 00:07:04,700 - Every single one, sir? - Every single word, sir! 119 00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:06,260 Well, in that case, sir, 120 00:07:06,290 --> 00:07:08,820 I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor 121 00:07:08,900 --> 00:07:12,500 my most enthusiastic contrafribblarities. 122 00:07:13,020 --> 00:07:16,100 - What? - "Contrafribblarities", sir. 123 00:07:16,700 --> 00:07:19,700 - It is a common word down our way. - Damn! 124 00:07:20,610 --> 00:07:26,300 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'm anaspeptic, phrasmotic, 125 00:07:26,610 --> 00:07:30,300 even compunctious to have caused you such pericombobulation. 126 00:07:31,420 --> 00:07:32,700 What? What? What? 127 00:07:32,860 --> 00:07:34,410 What are you on about, Blackadder? 128 00:07:34,430 --> 00:07:37,520 This is all beginning to sound a bit like dago talk to me. 129 00:07:37,610 --> 00:07:39,830 I'm sorry, sir. I merely wished to congratulate 130 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,920 the Doctor on not having left out a single word. 131 00:07:43,390 --> 00:07:45,080 Shall I fetch the tea, Your Highness? 132 00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:47,850 Yes, yes. And get that damned fire up here, will you? 133 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,120 Certainly, sir. 134 00:07:49,220 --> 00:07:52,300 I shall return interphrastically. 135 00:07:55,460 --> 00:07:57,530 So, Dr Johnson. Sit ye down. 136 00:07:57,550 --> 00:08:01,320 Now. This book of yours, tell me, what's it all about? 137 00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:04,150 It is a book about the English language, sir. 138 00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:06,420 I see. And the hero's name is what? 139 00:08:07,690 --> 00:08:10,300 - There is no hero, sir. - No hero? 140 00:08:10,730 --> 00:08:13,300 Well, lucky I reminded you. Better put one in pronto! 141 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,300 Call him George. George is a good name for a hero. Now, what about heroines? 142 00:08:18,250 --> 00:08:21,300 There is no heroine, sir, unless it is our Mother Tongue. 143 00:08:21,730 --> 00:08:24,300 Ah, the mother's the heroine. Nice twist. 144 00:08:25,050 --> 00:08:26,230 How far have we got, then? 145 00:08:26,250 --> 00:08:28,920 Old Mother Tongue is in love with George the Hero. 146 00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:31,840 What about murders? Mother Tongue doesn't get murdered, does she? 147 00:08:31,930 --> 00:08:32,650 No she doesn't. 148 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,400 No one gets murdered, or married, 149 00:08:34,430 --> 00:08:37,250 or in a tricky situation over a pound note. 150 00:08:37,260 --> 00:08:41,300 Well, now, look, Dr Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, 151 00:08:42,260 --> 00:08:45,300 but even I know a book's got to have a plot. 152 00:08:45,540 --> 00:08:49,300 Not this one, sir. It is a book that tells you what English words mean. 153 00:08:49,970 --> 00:08:53,420 I know what English words mean, I speak English! 154 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,320 You must be a bit of a thicko. 155 00:08:55,690 --> 00:08:58,060 Perhaps you would rather not be patron of my book 156 00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:00,290 if you can see no value in it whatsoever, sir! 157 00:09:00,300 --> 00:09:02,340 Perhaps so, sir! As it sounds to me as if my 158 00:09:02,370 --> 00:09:05,420 being patron of this complete cowpat of a book 159 00:09:05,500 --> 00:09:09,500 will set the seal once and for all on my reputation as an utter turnip head. 160 00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:14,300 Well, it is a reputation well deserved, sir! Farewell! 161 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:23,300 Leaving already, Doctor? Not staying for your pendigestatery interludicule? 162 00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:26,300 - No, sir! Show me out! - Certainly, sir. 163 00:09:26,810 --> 00:09:30,900 Anything I can do to facilitate your velocitous extramuralisation. 164 00:09:31,740 --> 00:09:33,580 You will regret this doubly, sir. 165 00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:37,520 Not only have you impecuniated my dictionary, 166 00:09:37,540 --> 00:09:39,670 but you've also lost the chance to act as patron 167 00:09:39,690 --> 00:09:42,720 to the only book in the world that is even better. 168 00:09:42,740 --> 00:09:44,340 Oh, and what is that, sir? 169 00:09:44,370 --> 00:09:49,420 "Dictionary II: The Return of the Killer Dictionary"? 170 00:09:50,050 --> 00:09:54,300 No, sir! It is "Edmund: A Butler's Tale" by Gertrude Perkins. 171 00:09:54,850 --> 00:10:00,100 A huge rollercoaster of a novel crammed with sizzling gypsies. 172 00:10:00,450 --> 00:10:02,110 Had you supported it, sir, 173 00:10:02,130 --> 00:10:06,120 it would have made you and me and Gertrude millionaires. 174 00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:07,300 Millionaires! 175 00:10:09,690 --> 00:10:13,600 But it was not to be, sir. I fare you well; I shall not return. 176 00:10:13,690 --> 00:10:15,400 Excuse me, sir. 177 00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:16,400 Dr Johnson... 178 00:10:18,170 --> 00:10:19,300 A word, I beg you. 179 00:10:19,690 --> 00:10:22,610 A word with you can mean seven million syllables. 180 00:10:22,630 --> 00:10:25,920 You might not be finished by bedtime! 181 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,370 Oh, blast my eyes! 182 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,560 In my fury, I have left my dictionary with your foolish master. 183 00:10:30,690 --> 00:10:31,570 Go fetch it, will you? 184 00:10:31,590 --> 00:10:34,020 Sir, the Prince is young and foolish. 185 00:10:34,210 --> 00:10:36,500 And has a peanut for a brain. 186 00:10:36,970 --> 00:10:39,660 Give me just a few minutes and I will deliver both the book 187 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,030 - and his patronage. - Oh, will you, sir? 188 00:10:42,050 --> 00:10:43,720 I very much doubt it. 189 00:10:44,300 --> 00:10:47,800 A servant who is an influence for the good is like a dog who speaks: 190 00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:48,920 very rare. 191 00:10:49,090 --> 00:10:52,300 - I think I can change his mind. - Well, I doubt it, sir. 192 00:10:52,540 --> 00:10:56,310 A man who can change a prince's mind is like a dog who speaks Norwegian: 193 00:10:56,340 --> 00:10:57,720 even rarer. 194 00:10:58,170 --> 00:11:01,210 I shall be at Mrs Miggins' Literary Salon in twenty minutes. 195 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,840 Bring the book there. 196 00:11:03,850 --> 00:11:05,950 Your Highness, may I offer my congratulations? 197 00:11:05,980 --> 00:11:07,520 Well, thanks, Blackadder. 198 00:11:07,570 --> 00:11:10,300 That pompous baboon won't be back in a hurry. 199 00:11:10,850 --> 00:11:14,300 On the contrary, sir. Dr Johnson left in the highest of spirits. 200 00:11:14,740 --> 00:11:18,600 He is utterly thrilled at your promise to patronise his dictionary. 201 00:11:19,140 --> 00:11:21,600 I told him to sod off, didn't I? 202 00:11:21,900 --> 00:11:24,500 Yes, sir, but that was a joke. Surely. 203 00:11:24,740 --> 00:11:25,750 Was it? 204 00:11:25,780 --> 00:11:28,820 Certainly! And a brilliant one what's more. 205 00:11:29,930 --> 00:11:33,300 Yes, yes! I suppose it was, rather, wasn't it? 206 00:11:34,020 --> 00:11:37,300 So may I deliver your note of patronage to Dr Johnson, as promised? 207 00:11:38,690 --> 00:11:40,790 If that's what I promised, then that's what I must do 208 00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:42,790 and I remember promising it distinctly. 209 00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:46,300 - Excellent. Nice fire, Baldrick. - Thank you, Mr B. 210 00:11:46,690 --> 00:11:50,300 Let's get the book. Now, Baldrick, where's the manuscript? 211 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,760 The big papery thing tied up with string? 212 00:11:53,790 --> 00:11:56,720 Yes, the manuscript belonging to Dr Johnson. 213 00:11:56,810 --> 00:11:59,300 You mean the baity fellow in the black coat who just left? 214 00:12:00,690 --> 00:12:01,730 Yes, Baldrick, Dr Johnson. 215 00:12:01,900 --> 00:12:05,300 So you're asking where the big papery thing tied up with string, 216 00:12:06,210 --> 00:12:09,300 belonging to the baity fellow in the black coat, who just left, is. 217 00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:12,300 Yes, Baldrick, I am, and if you don't answer, 218 00:12:13,170 --> 00:12:17,300 then the booted bony thing with five toes on the end of my leg 219 00:12:17,450 --> 00:12:18,840 will soon connect sharply 220 00:12:18,860 --> 00:12:22,420 with the soft dangly collection of objects in your trousers. 221 00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:28,300 For the last time, Baldrick: Where is Dr Johnson's manuscript? 222 00:12:29,210 --> 00:12:31,300 - On the fire. - On the what? 223 00:12:31,900 --> 00:12:35,300 The hot orangy thing under the stony mantlepiece. 224 00:12:35,810 --> 00:12:38,300 - You've burnt the dictionary? - Yup. 225 00:12:38,660 --> 00:12:42,300 You've burnt the life's work of England's foremost man of letters? 226 00:12:42,900 --> 00:12:45,750 Well, you did say "burn any old rubbish." 227 00:12:45,770 --> 00:12:46,720 Yes, fine. 228 00:12:47,050 --> 00:12:49,530 Isn't it going to be a bit difficult for me 229 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,220 to patronise this book if we've burnt it? 230 00:12:52,720 --> 00:12:56,200 Yes, it is. If you would excuse me a moment. 231 00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:57,390 Of course. 232 00:12:57,420 --> 00:12:59,900 Now that I've got my lovely fire, I'm as happy as a Frenchman 233 00:12:59,930 --> 00:13:02,600 who's invented a pair of self-removing trousers. 234 00:13:02,690 --> 00:13:05,300 Baldrick, will you join me in the vestibule? 235 00:13:10,260 --> 00:13:11,910 We are going to go to Mrs Miggins', 236 00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:13,760 we're going to find out where Dr Johnson 237 00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:15,220 keeps a copy of that dictionary, 238 00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:16,800 and then, you are going to steal it. 239 00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:17,970 - Me? - Yes, you. 240 00:13:17,970 --> 00:13:20,500 - Why me? - Because you burnt it, Baldrick. 241 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,920 But then I'll go to Hell forever for stealing. 242 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:27,600 Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub 243 00:13:27,690 --> 00:13:29,820 and all his hellish instruments of death 244 00:13:29,850 --> 00:13:35,140 will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil... 245 00:13:36,460 --> 00:13:39,320 if we can't replace this dictionary. Now come on. 246 00:13:40,300 --> 00:13:43,600 O, love lorn ecstasy that is, Mrs Miggins, 247 00:13:43,660 --> 00:13:46,800 wilt thou bring me but one cup of the browned juicings 248 00:13:46,820 --> 00:13:51,300 of that naughty bean we call "coffee" ere I die. 249 00:13:51,850 --> 00:13:54,800 You do have a way of words with you, Mr Shelley. 250 00:13:54,910 --> 00:13:57,600 To Hell with this fine talking. Coffee, woman! 251 00:13:58,420 --> 00:14:00,400 My consumption grows evermore acute, 252 00:14:00,420 --> 00:14:02,920 and Coleridge's drugs are wearing off. 253 00:14:03,020 --> 00:14:06,800 Oh, Mr Byron, don't be such a big girl's blouse. 254 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:12,300 - Don't forget the pencil, Baldrick. - Oh, I certainly won't, sir. 255 00:14:14,850 --> 00:14:17,300 Ah, good day to you, Mrs Miggins. 256 00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:21,300 A cup of your best hot water with brown grit in it, 257 00:14:22,210 --> 00:14:25,500 unless by some miracle your coffee shop has started selling coffee. 258 00:14:25,540 --> 00:14:28,600 Be quiet, sir. Can't you see we're dying? 259 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,510 Don't you worry about my poets, Mr Blackadder. 260 00:14:31,540 --> 00:14:35,020 They're not dead, they're just being intellectual. 261 00:14:35,090 --> 00:14:36,910 Mrs Miggins, there's nothing intellectual 262 00:14:36,930 --> 00:14:40,220 about wandering around Italy in a big shirt, trying to get laid. 263 00:14:40,300 --> 00:14:41,700 Why are they here of all places? 264 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,700 We are here to pay homage to the good Dr Johnson. 265 00:14:45,540 --> 00:14:49,600 - As, sir, should you. - Well, absolutely. I intend to. 266 00:14:49,810 --> 00:14:52,210 You wouldn't happen to have a copy of his dictionary on you, 267 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,720 so I can do some revising before he gets here? 268 00:14:54,780 --> 00:14:58,300 Friends, I have returned. 269 00:14:58,930 --> 00:15:00,980 So, sir, how was the Prince? 270 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,920 The Prince was and is an utter fool, 271 00:15:03,930 --> 00:15:07,300 and his household filled with cretinous servants. 272 00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:11,410 - Good afternoon, sir. - And you are the worst of them, sir. 273 00:15:12,420 --> 00:15:15,300 After all your boasting, have you my dictionary and my patronage? 274 00:15:16,090 --> 00:15:17,020 Not quite. 275 00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:20,620 The Prince begs just a few more hours to really get to grips with it. 276 00:15:20,780 --> 00:15:22,300 Bah! 277 00:15:22,620 --> 00:15:25,560 However, I was wondering if a lowly servant such as I 278 00:15:25,590 --> 00:15:27,700 might be permitted to glance at a copy. 279 00:15:27,740 --> 00:15:31,100 Copy? There is no copy, sir. 280 00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:33,000 - No copy? - No, sir. 281 00:15:33,450 --> 00:15:36,270 Making a copy is like fitting wheels to a tomato, 282 00:15:36,300 --> 00:15:39,120 time consuming and completely unnecessary. 283 00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:42,020 But what if the book got lost? 284 00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:43,920 I should not lose the book, sir. 285 00:15:43,970 --> 00:15:45,750 And if any other man should, 286 00:15:45,780 --> 00:15:50,420 I would tear off his head with my bare hands and feed it to the cat! 287 00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:53,700 Well, that's nice and clear. 288 00:15:53,900 --> 00:15:57,900 And I, Lord Byron, would summon up fifty of my men, 289 00:15:57,970 --> 00:16:01,300 lay siege to the fellow's house and do bloody murder on him. 290 00:16:01,780 --> 00:16:04,300 And I would not rest until the criminal was hanging by his hair, 291 00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:10,300 with an Oriental disembowelling cutlass thrust up his ignoble behind. 292 00:16:10,810 --> 00:16:13,300 I hope you're listening to all this, Baldrick. 293 00:16:16,810 --> 00:16:19,300 Sir, I have been unable to replace the dictionary. 294 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:22,840 I am therefore leaving immediately for Nepal, 295 00:16:22,860 --> 00:16:25,320 where I intend to live as a goat. 296 00:16:27,370 --> 00:16:28,300 Why? 297 00:16:29,350 --> 00:16:30,590 Because if I stay here, 298 00:16:30,620 --> 00:16:33,520 Dr Johnson's companions will have me brutally murdered, sir. 299 00:16:33,570 --> 00:16:36,010 Good God, Blackadder, that's terrible! 300 00:16:36,240 --> 00:16:38,020 Do you know any other butlers? 301 00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:40,680 And, of course, when the people discover 302 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:42,720 that you have burnt Dr Johnsons's dictionary, 303 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,700 they may go round saying, "Look! There's thick George. 304 00:16:46,020 --> 00:16:50,300 He's got a brain the size of a weasel's wedding tackle." 305 00:16:51,690 --> 00:16:53,760 Well, in that case, something must be done! 306 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:56,420 I have a cunning plan, sir. 307 00:16:57,210 --> 00:16:59,300 Hurrah! Well, that's that, then. 308 00:16:59,780 --> 00:17:01,300 I wouldn't get overexcited, sir. 309 00:17:02,260 --> 00:17:04,400 I have a horrid suspicion that Baldrick's plan 310 00:17:04,420 --> 00:17:06,720 will be the stupidest thing we've heard... 311 00:17:06,810 --> 00:17:10,300 since Lord Nelson's famous signal at the Battle of the Nile: 312 00:17:10,540 --> 00:17:13,270 "England knows Lady Hamilton is a virgin. 313 00:17:13,390 --> 00:17:16,820 Poke my eye out and cut off my arm if I'm wrong." 314 00:17:17,260 --> 00:17:18,300 Great! 315 00:17:19,090 --> 00:17:21,300 Let's hear it, then. 316 00:17:21,940 --> 00:17:23,300 It's brilliant. 317 00:17:23,980 --> 00:17:27,300 You take the string-- that's still not completely burnt-- 318 00:17:27,610 --> 00:17:32,300 you scrape off the soot, and you shove the pages in again. 319 00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:35,300 - Which pages? - Well, not the same ones, of course. 320 00:17:36,500 --> 00:17:41,300 I think I'm on the point of spotting the flaw in this plan, but do go on. 321 00:17:41,780 --> 00:17:44,300 - Which pages are they? - Well, this is the brilliant bit. 322 00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:47,300 You write some new ones. 323 00:17:47,810 --> 00:17:50,300 Some new ones? You mean rewrite the dictionary? 324 00:17:51,690 --> 00:17:53,420 I sit down tonight and rewrite 325 00:17:53,450 --> 00:17:56,020 the dictionary that took Dr Johnson ten years. 326 00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:57,100 Yup. 327 00:17:57,220 --> 00:18:00,700 Baldrick, that is by far and away, and without a shadow of doubt, 328 00:18:01,050 --> 00:18:04,900 the worst and most comtemptible plan in the history of the universe. 329 00:18:06,050 --> 00:18:07,320 On the other hand, 330 00:18:07,450 --> 00:18:11,520 I hear the sound of disembowelling cutlasses being sharpened, 331 00:18:11,740 --> 00:18:14,500 and it's the only plan we've got, so if you will excuse me, gentlemen. 332 00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,500 Perhaps you'd like me to lend a hand, Blackadder. 333 00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:18,980 I'm not as stupid as I look. 334 00:18:19,020 --> 00:18:21,300 I am as stupid as I look, sir. 335 00:18:22,090 --> 00:18:25,300 - But if I can help, I will. - It's very kind of you both. 336 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:27,490 But I fear your services might be as useful 337 00:18:27,510 --> 00:18:30,020 as a barber shop on the steps of the guillotine. 338 00:18:30,050 --> 00:18:32,700 Oh, come on, Blackadder, give us a try! 339 00:18:33,850 --> 00:18:35,370 Very well, sir, as you wish. 340 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:37,420 Let's start at the beginning, shall we? 341 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:40,300 First "A". How would you define "A"? 342 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:43,440 Oh, I love this! I love this, quizzes... 343 00:18:43,460 --> 00:18:44,720 Hang on, it's coming. 344 00:18:45,090 --> 00:18:47,300 - "A", oh, crikey, erm... - "A"... 345 00:18:47,940 --> 00:18:49,300 - Yes, I've got it! - What? 346 00:18:49,650 --> 00:18:52,300 Well, it doesn't really mean anything, does it? 347 00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:57,300 Good. So we're well on the way, then. 348 00:18:58,050 --> 00:19:02,300 "A - impersonal pronoun, doesn't really mean anything." 349 00:19:02,810 --> 00:19:04,300 Right! Next - "ab"... 350 00:19:05,980 --> 00:19:08,300 "ab"... Well, it's a buzzing thing, innit? 351 00:19:09,090 --> 00:19:11,300 "A... buzzing... thing." 352 00:19:12,410 --> 00:19:15,300 Baldrick, I mean something that starts with "Ab". 353 00:19:15,540 --> 00:19:18,500 Honey? Honey starts with a bee. 354 00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:20,770 He's right, you know, Blackadder. 355 00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:22,890 Honey does start with a bee, and a flower, too. 356 00:19:22,910 --> 00:19:25,190 Yes, look, this really isn't getting anywhere. 357 00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:27,760 And besides, I've left out "aardvark". 358 00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:29,580 Don't say we didn't give it a try. 359 00:19:29,610 --> 00:19:31,520 No, Your Highness, it was a brave start. 360 00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:33,300 But I fear I must proceed on my own. 361 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,300 Baldrick, go to the kitchen and make me something quick and simple to eat. 362 00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:39,490 Two slices of bread with something in between. 363 00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:41,720 Like Gerald, Lord Sandwich, had the other day? 364 00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:44,300 Yes, a few rounds of Geralds. 365 00:19:53,020 --> 00:19:55,300 - How goes it, Blackadder? - Not all that well, sir. 366 00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:57,300 Well, let's have a look. 367 00:19:57,940 --> 00:20:04,300 "Medium-sized insectivore with protruding nasal implement." 368 00:20:04,700 --> 00:20:06,590 Doesn't sound much like a bee to me. 369 00:20:06,620 --> 00:20:10,320 It's an aardvark! It's a bloody aardvark! 370 00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:13,680 Oh dear, still on "aardvark", are we? 371 00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:15,320 Yes, I'm afraid we are. 372 00:20:15,570 --> 00:20:16,960 And if I ever meet an aardvark, 373 00:20:16,990 --> 00:20:19,920 I'm going to step on its damn protruding nasal implement 374 00:20:19,980 --> 00:20:22,460 until it couldn't suck up an insect if its life depended on it. 375 00:20:23,090 --> 00:20:24,280 Got a bit stuck, have you? 376 00:20:24,510 --> 00:20:27,120 I'm sorry, sir. It's five hours later, 377 00:20:27,220 --> 00:20:29,460 and I've got every word in the English language, 378 00:20:29,490 --> 00:20:32,120 except "a" and "aardvark", still to do. 379 00:20:32,460 --> 00:20:35,120 And I'm not very happy with my definition of either of them. 380 00:20:35,260 --> 00:20:39,300 Well, don't panic, Blackadder, because I have some rather good news. 381 00:20:40,020 --> 00:20:41,300 Oh? What? 382 00:20:41,570 --> 00:20:44,370 Well, we didn't take no for an answer, and have been working all night. 383 00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:48,300 - I've done "B". - Really? And how have you got on? 384 00:20:48,890 --> 00:20:51,450 Well, I had a bit of trouble with "belching", 385 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,920 but I think I got it sorted out in the end. 386 00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:57,300 Oh no, there I go again! 387 00:21:00,650 --> 00:21:04,300 You've been working on that joke for some time, haven't you, sir? 388 00:21:04,570 --> 00:21:05,300 Yes, I have. 389 00:21:06,180 --> 00:21:07,740 - Since you started... - Basically. 390 00:21:07,790 --> 00:21:09,600 So, in fact, you haven't done any work at all. 391 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:10,660 Not as such, no. 392 00:21:12,090 --> 00:21:15,300 - Great. Baldrick, what have you done? - I've done "C" and "D". 393 00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:18,300 Right, let's have it, then. 394 00:21:19,180 --> 00:21:22,300 "Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in." 395 00:21:23,690 --> 00:21:24,300 What's that? 396 00:21:25,260 --> 00:21:26,300 "Sea". 397 00:21:28,130 --> 00:21:31,300 Yes, tiny misunderstanding. 398 00:21:31,940 --> 00:21:35,300 Still, my hopes weren't high. Now, what about "D"? 399 00:21:36,390 --> 00:21:37,800 I'm quite pleased with "dog". 400 00:21:37,830 --> 00:21:39,810 Yes, and your definition of "dog" is? 401 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:42,600 "Not a cat." 402 00:21:45,780 --> 00:21:48,300 Excellent. Excellent! 403 00:21:49,050 --> 00:21:51,300 - Your Highness, may I have a word? - Certainly. 404 00:21:51,980 --> 00:21:54,160 As you know, sir, it's always been my intention 405 00:21:54,180 --> 00:21:56,290 to stay with you until you had a strapping son 406 00:21:56,300 --> 00:21:58,580 and I one likewise, to take over the burdens of my duties. 407 00:21:59,180 --> 00:22:01,100 That's right, Blackadder, and I thank you for it. 408 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,060 I'm afraid that there's been a change of plan. 409 00:22:03,220 --> 00:22:06,300 I am off to the kitchen to hack my head off with a big knife. 410 00:22:07,220 --> 00:22:10,300 Oh, come on, Blackadder, it's only a book. 411 00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:14,300 Let's just damn the fellow's eyes, strip the britches from his backside 412 00:22:15,050 --> 00:22:18,100 and warm his heels to Putney Bridge! Hurrah! 413 00:22:18,690 --> 00:22:23,300 Sir, you can't just lop someone's head off and blame it on the Vikings. 414 00:22:24,130 --> 00:22:25,300 - Can't I, by God! - No. 415 00:22:26,410 --> 00:22:28,090 Well, then let's just get on with it! 416 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:31,120 I mean, boil my brains, it's only a dictionary. 417 00:22:31,460 --> 00:22:34,900 No one's asked us to eat ten raw pigs for breakfast. 418 00:22:34,930 --> 00:22:36,920 We're British, aren't we? 419 00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:40,400 You're not, you're German. 420 00:22:41,650 --> 00:22:43,130 Get me some coffee, Baldrick. 421 00:22:43,150 --> 00:22:46,020 If I fall asleep before Monday, we're doomed. 422 00:22:49,540 --> 00:22:52,300 - Mr Blackadder, time to wake up. - What time is it? 423 00:22:53,410 --> 00:22:54,780 Monday morning. 424 00:22:54,810 --> 00:22:57,520 Monday morning?! Oh my God! I've overslept! 425 00:22:57,610 --> 00:22:59,410 Where's the quill? Where's the parchment? 426 00:22:59,430 --> 00:23:02,020 I don't know. Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him. 427 00:23:02,130 --> 00:23:04,300 - What?! - He's outside. 428 00:23:04,940 --> 00:23:06,660 - Are you ill, sir? - No, you can't have it. 429 00:23:07,410 --> 00:23:09,980 I know I said Monday, but I want Baldrick to read it, 430 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,520 which, unfortunately will mean teaching him to read, 431 00:23:13,500 --> 00:23:15,040 which will take about ten years, 432 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:18,040 but time well spent, I think, because it's such a good dictionary. 433 00:23:18,460 --> 00:23:22,300 - I don't think so. - Oh God! We've been burgled! What? 434 00:23:22,740 --> 00:23:24,470 I think it's an awful dictionary, 435 00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:27,320 full of feeble definitions and ridiculous verbiage. 436 00:23:27,500 --> 00:23:29,740 I've come to ask you to chuck the damn thing in the fire. 437 00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:31,350 Are you sure? 438 00:23:31,370 --> 00:23:33,920 I've never been more sure of anything in my life. 439 00:23:34,690 --> 00:23:37,300 I love you, Dr Johnson, and I want to have your babies. 440 00:23:41,020 --> 00:23:44,300 Excuse me, Dr Johnson, but my Auntie Marjorie has just arrived. 441 00:23:45,410 --> 00:23:49,300 Baldrick, who gave you permission to turn into an Alsatian? 442 00:23:49,780 --> 00:23:52,300 Oh God, it's a dream, isn't it? 443 00:23:52,610 --> 00:23:55,300 It's a bloody dream! 444 00:23:56,020 --> 00:24:00,300 Dr Johnson doesn't want us to burn his dictionary at all. 445 00:24:05,090 --> 00:24:08,300 Mr Blackadder, time to wake up. 446 00:24:08,610 --> 00:24:10,530 - What time is it? - Monday morning. 447 00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:13,320 Monday morning?! Oh my God! I've overslept! 448 00:24:13,590 --> 00:24:15,240 Where's the quill? Where's the parchment? 449 00:24:15,270 --> 00:24:17,690 I don't know. Maybe Dr Johnson's got some with him. 450 00:24:17,700 --> 00:24:19,300 - What?! - He's outside. 451 00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:21,970 Now, hang on. 452 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,920 If we go on like this, you're going to turn into an Alsatian again. 453 00:24:28,090 --> 00:24:30,300 Oh, my God! Quick, Baldrick, we've got to escape. 454 00:24:31,090 --> 00:24:32,800 Bring out the dictionary at once. 455 00:24:32,810 --> 00:24:34,400 Bring it out, sir, or, in my passion, 456 00:24:34,420 --> 00:24:37,120 I shall kill everyone by giving them syphilis! 457 00:24:37,260 --> 00:24:40,300 Bring it out, sir, and also any opium plants you may have around there. 458 00:24:41,020 --> 00:24:43,300 Bring it out, sir, or we shall break down the door! 459 00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:46,320 Good morning. Dr Johnson, Lord Byron... 460 00:24:46,350 --> 00:24:47,620 Where is my dictionary? 461 00:24:47,650 --> 00:24:49,300 And what dictionary would this be? 462 00:24:49,740 --> 00:24:53,300 The one that has taken eighteen hours of every day for the last ten years. 463 00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:55,610 My mother died-- I hardly noticed. 464 00:24:55,640 --> 00:24:58,020 My father cut off his head and fried it in garlic, 465 00:24:58,090 --> 00:24:59,820 in the hope of attracting my attention-- 466 00:24:59,850 --> 00:25:01,620 I scarcely looked up from my work. 467 00:25:01,700 --> 00:25:04,200 My wife brought armies of lovers to the house, 468 00:25:04,290 --> 00:25:08,100 who worked in droves so that she might bring up a huge family of bastards. 469 00:25:09,090 --> 00:25:10,300 I cannot... 470 00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:14,300 Am I to presume that my elaborate bluff has not worked? 471 00:25:14,890 --> 00:25:16,270 Right, well, the truth is, Doctor-- 472 00:25:16,300 --> 00:25:18,580 now, don't get cross, don't overreact-- 473 00:25:18,610 --> 00:25:20,150 the truth is: we burnt it. 474 00:25:20,260 --> 00:25:21,800 Then you die! 475 00:25:23,300 --> 00:25:24,340 Good morning, everyone. 476 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:27,820 You know, this dictionary really is a cracking good read. 477 00:25:27,890 --> 00:25:31,300 - It's an absolutely splendid job! - My dictionary! 478 00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:33,300 But you said you burnt it. 479 00:25:34,130 --> 00:25:35,480 I think it's a splendid book, 480 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:37,720 and I look forward to patronising it enormously. 481 00:25:37,810 --> 00:25:39,100 Thank you, sir. 482 00:25:39,690 --> 00:25:42,110 I think I'm man enough to sacrifice the pleasure of killing 483 00:25:42,130 --> 00:25:44,310 to maintain the general good humour. 484 00:25:44,410 --> 00:25:46,300 There's to be no murder today, gentlemen. 485 00:25:46,980 --> 00:25:48,330 But prepare to Mrs Miggins'-- 486 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:51,680 I shall join you there later for a roister you'll never forget. 487 00:25:54,090 --> 00:25:57,300 So, tell me, sir, what words particularly interested you? 488 00:25:57,850 --> 00:26:00,690 Oh, nothing. Anything, really, you know. 489 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,020 I see you've underlined a few. 490 00:26:03,700 --> 00:26:10,300 Bloomers, bottom, burp, fart, fiddle, fornicate... 491 00:26:10,740 --> 00:26:12,830 Sir! I hope you're not using the first English 492 00:26:12,860 --> 00:26:15,120 dictionary to look up rude words. 493 00:26:15,300 --> 00:26:19,300 I wouldn't be too hopeful, that's what all the other ones will be used for. 494 00:26:19,740 --> 00:26:23,300 - Sir, can I look up turnip? - Turnip isn't a rude word, Baldrick. 495 00:26:23,610 --> 00:26:26,300 It is if you sit on one. 496 00:26:26,740 --> 00:26:28,300 We have more important business in hand. 497 00:26:29,260 --> 00:26:33,300 I refer, of course, to the works of the mysterious Gertrude Perkins. 498 00:26:33,540 --> 00:26:36,300 Mysterious no more, sir. It is time for the truth. 499 00:26:36,890 --> 00:26:40,300 I can at last reveal the identity of the great Gertrude Perkins. 500 00:26:41,260 --> 00:26:43,300 - Sir, who is she? - She, sir, is me, sir. 501 00:26:44,410 --> 00:26:46,300 - I am Gertrude Perkins. - Good Lord!! 502 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:49,300 And I can prove it. Bring out the manuscript, 503 00:26:50,220 --> 00:26:51,890 and I will show you that my signature 504 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,320 corresponds exactly with that on the front. 505 00:26:55,090 --> 00:26:57,310 I must have left it here with the dictionary. 506 00:26:57,330 --> 00:26:59,220 This is terribly exciting. 507 00:26:59,700 --> 00:27:01,600 Baldrick, fetch my novel. 508 00:27:02,020 --> 00:27:02,840 Novel? 509 00:27:02,860 --> 00:27:05,320 Yes, the big papery thing tied up with string. 510 00:27:05,890 --> 00:27:08,300 - Like the thing we burnt? - Exactly like the thing we burnt. 511 00:27:09,130 --> 00:27:12,560 So you're asking for the big papery thing tied up with string, 512 00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:15,020 exactly like the thing we burnt. 513 00:27:15,130 --> 00:27:16,300 Exactly. 514 00:27:16,940 --> 00:27:19,300 We burnt it. 515 00:27:19,650 --> 00:27:22,310 So we did. Thank you, Baldrick. 516 00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:25,320 Seven years of my life up in smoke. 517 00:27:25,540 --> 00:27:28,300 - Would you excuse me a moment? - By all means. 518 00:27:32,410 --> 00:27:35,300 Oh, God, no! 519 00:27:36,540 --> 00:27:37,500 Thank you, sir. 520 00:27:37,590 --> 00:27:40,140 Burnt, you say? That's most inconvenient. 521 00:27:40,170 --> 00:27:42,620 A burnt novel is like a burnt dog... 522 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:43,700 Shut up! 523 00:27:44,180 --> 00:27:47,300 Sir, I have a novel. 524 00:27:50,220 --> 00:27:54,300 "Once upon a time there was a lovely little sausage called..." Sausage?! 525 00:27:55,220 --> 00:27:59,300 Sausage?! Oh, blast your eyes! 526 00:28:00,300 --> 00:28:03,300 I didn't think it was that bad. 527 00:28:03,780 --> 00:28:08,300 I think you'll find he left "sausage" out of his dictionary. 528 00:28:08,940 --> 00:28:12,300 Oh, and "aardvark". 529 00:28:12,610 --> 00:28:15,060 Come on, Blackadder, it's not all that bad-- 530 00:28:15,090 --> 00:28:17,720 nothing a nice roaring fire can't solve. 531 00:28:17,780 --> 00:28:21,300 - Baldrick, do the honours, will you? - Certainly, Your Majesty. 532 00:28:27,320 --> 00:28:35,320 Tweaks by XhmikosR www.addic7ed.com