1 00:00:01,168 --> 00:00:03,545 - Really, Bev? Oh, thank you so much. 2 00:00:03,837 --> 00:00:05,214 That is wonderful news. 3 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,173 - "Wonderful news"? 4 00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:07,883 The last time I said that 5 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,343 was when my pet gnus 6 00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:11,115 learned the true meaning of Christmas. 7 00:00:11,261 --> 00:00:13,347 Classic Tracy... You'll miss this. 8 00:00:13,639 --> 00:00:15,849 - Anyway, that was one of the adoption agencies 9 00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:16,850 we're working with, 10 00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:18,902 and they may have a kid who's perfect for us. 11 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,854 He's a three-year-old boy from transylvania. 12 00:00:21,146 --> 00:00:22,940 Stay with me. His name is Dracul. 13 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:23,899 Hear me out. 14 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:26,693 He is a hemophiliac with a sleep disorder. 15 00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:28,320 - Children change everything. 16 00:00:28,612 --> 00:00:29,988 Right now you can do what you want, 17 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,280 but once you have kids, 18 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:32,908 you have to be on their schedule, 19 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,200 watch their cartoons, 20 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:35,494 and touch their poop. 21 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,704 - Tracy, you still do whatever you want. 22 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,915 - That's right, I do. 23 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,208 But you don't. 24 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,834 So have fun while you can. 25 00:00:43,126 --> 00:00:45,420 Be spontaneous. You know, stop being yourself. 26 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:46,712 - I'm spontaneous. 27 00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,507 For instance, I started talking 28 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:52,302 before I had an example of how I'm spontaneous. 29 00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:55,973 [Farting sound] 30 00:00:56,265 --> 00:01:00,102 [Farting sound] 31 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:03,146 Nice haul, Mr. CEO. Did you get my gift? 32 00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,190 - I assume it was the bottle of wine 33 00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:07,234 with the card, reading, "dear Doritos", 34 00:01:07,526 --> 00:01:09,778 "what about just selling bags full of your dust? 35 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,655 I could put it on chicken or fish." 36 00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:13,227 - Obviously, there was a mix-up. 37 00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:14,992 I wrote you a very heartfelt note 38 00:01:15,284 --> 00:01:17,411 that said, "congratulations on becoming CEO. 39 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,913 Do you know anyone at Doritos?" 40 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:21,540 - Well, I'm not CEO yet. 41 00:01:21,832 --> 00:01:23,112 The board has to rubber-stamp me. 42 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:24,888 There'll be a party for me later this week. 43 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:26,688 Then I have to drive around with my headlights off 44 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:27,838 until someone flashes me. 45 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:29,732 Then I have to... Well, it's not important. 46 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:32,050 In the meantime, I'm tying up some loose ends. 47 00:01:32,342 --> 00:01:33,982 I'm heading down to Florida this afternoon 48 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,537 to take care of my mother's estate. 49 00:01:35,721 --> 00:01:38,265 Fittingly, she left everything to her live-in nurse, Martha... 50 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,892 The house I paid for, the silver, 51 00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,894 my grandfather's purple heart. 52 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,147 It's terrible what alcoholism can do to the body. 53 00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:46,749 - She really didn't leave you anything? 54 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,585 That's not very nice. - I loved my mother, Lemon... 55 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,569 Obviously, because of Stockholm syndrome. 56 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:53,905 But she was, on her best day, a miserable old crone 57 00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:56,491 whose only Joy came in sharing her unhappiness 58 00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:58,952 with others, even in death. 59 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:00,787 - She is the only person in the world 60 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,497 to have sarcastic last words. 61 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:04,249 - "I just want you to be 'happy'." 62 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,001 Oh, mother, how I "miss" you. 63 00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:08,712 Anyway, I thought you might like to come to Florida with me. 64 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,084 I can get you a V.I.P. pass 65 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:11,575 to universal's Harry Potter world. 66 00:02:11,757 --> 00:02:14,801 - Okay, I am not some kind of "nerdery" slut. 67 00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:16,219 I like star wars. 68 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:17,951 - Lemon, I'm not relishing this trip. 69 00:02:18,096 --> 00:02:19,890 It would be nice to have someone with me. 70 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:22,809 Are you coming or not? - Yes. I am. 71 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:26,313 How's that for spontaneous... Florida on a work day? 72 00:02:26,605 --> 00:02:26,980 [Chuckles] To that store 73 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:31,568 that sells long-sleeve S.P.F. shirts! 74 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:34,112 [Exciting jazz music] 75 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:42,404 ♪ ♪ 76 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,297 - Hey, I need somebody to sign for this water. 77 00:02:52,589 --> 00:02:55,175 - Um, no, you need a nobody to sign for that water. 78 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:57,010 We're on TV. 79 00:02:57,302 --> 00:02:58,595 - Okay, then who's in charge? 80 00:02:58,887 --> 00:02:59,513 - Well, Liz, but she's in Florida. 81 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:02,849 - Or Pete, but he went to a line producers' convention 82 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,141 in Albany. 83 00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:05,602 I saw him pack a wig. 84 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:09,189 - Tracy, does this mean we're in charge? 85 00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,022 - Where do you want the water? 86 00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,701 [Cheerful music] 87 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:28,959 ♪ ♪ 88 00:03:41,179 --> 00:03:42,597 [Knock at door] 89 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:45,016 - I'm sorry. Where is Liz Lemon? 90 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,348 - She's out of the office. 91 00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,145 Is there anything we could help you with? 92 00:03:48,437 --> 00:03:49,980 We've got about... Oh, ten minutes 93 00:03:50,272 --> 00:03:51,940 before we've got to go watch shopping. 94 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:53,792 - Well, this does affect the two of you. 95 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,862 I'm Martin Luther King from NBC's in-house counsel. 96 00:03:57,154 --> 00:04:00,449 A former TGS employee has filed a harassment lawsuit 97 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,744 against this production and both of you individually. 98 00:04:04,035 --> 00:04:05,680 Complainant is seeking damages in the amount 99 00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:08,415 of $50 million. 100 00:04:08,707 --> 00:04:09,416 [Click, dial tone] 101 00:04:09,708 --> 00:04:11,793 - Hold my calls, giant bee. 102 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,879 - I assume you know this woman. 103 00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:17,132 - Wassername! - What's her name? 104 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,093 - So these are the things your mother wanted you to have. 105 00:04:20,385 --> 00:04:21,678 - Oh. 106 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:25,015 The baby shoe she found after that fire. 107 00:04:25,307 --> 00:04:27,100 God, she loved looting. 108 00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:28,977 - Colleen was such a lovely woman. 109 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:31,354 - Thank you, Martha, but you don't have to do that. 110 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:33,273 I mean, you knew Colleen. 111 00:04:33,565 --> 00:04:35,066 - And there's so much I miss... 112 00:04:35,358 --> 00:04:36,777 Her kindness, her laugh. 113 00:04:37,068 --> 00:04:39,196 - Her laugh, of course. 114 00:04:39,488 --> 00:04:41,248 - Oh, she was the happiest person I ever met. 115 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:42,157 - Sure. 116 00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:44,618 Remind me of some of the happy things 117 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:45,619 my mother would do. 118 00:04:45,911 --> 00:04:48,580 - Oh, you know, tell jokes... 119 00:04:48,872 --> 00:04:50,624 And the pranks! 120 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:54,169 Her nickname here was Mrs. Silly. 121 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,213 - Uh, tell me, Martha, 122 00:04:56,505 --> 00:04:58,924 how long did you work for my mother exactly? 123 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,177 - I'm sorry. 124 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:03,678 - What the hell was that? 125 00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,847 She'll miss Colleen's laughter? 126 00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:08,058 That woman clearly didn't even know my mother. 127 00:05:08,350 --> 00:05:09,601 This is a scam. 128 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,269 She took advantage of an old lady. 129 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:12,687 - I saw this on dateline. 130 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,732 Next, we'll be holding hands in adjacent bathtubs. 131 00:05:16,024 --> 00:05:18,264 Or maybe that was a Cialis commercial... it's all a blur. 132 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:21,321 - I'm calling the police. 133 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,785 - Thank you for calling Florida emergency services. 134 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,930 If this is regarding an anaconda in a crawl space, 135 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,163 press 1. 136 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,295 If a sinkhole full of Indian bones has appeared 137 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:33,500 in your living room, press 2. 138 00:05:33,792 --> 00:05:35,672 If you want to know why jag wasn't on this week, 139 00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:36,752 press 3. 140 00:05:36,962 --> 00:05:38,296 If your shabbos goy... 141 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,507 - why can't we just cut this state adrift 142 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:41,967 and let it crash into Cuba? 143 00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:43,778 - We'll just solve this ourselves, like that woman 144 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:45,071 on dateline who tried to solve her sister's murder, 145 00:05:45,095 --> 00:05:46,095 then disappeared. 146 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:48,390 But we won't go scuba-diving with the husband. 147 00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:49,962 - Lemon, when Martha comes back, 148 00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:51,785 I'll distract her while you sneak around 149 00:05:51,977 --> 00:05:53,311 and go through her things. 150 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:56,940 - It's a caper! Who's spontaneous now, Tracy? 151 00:05:57,232 --> 00:05:58,692 - Okay, start from the beginning. 152 00:05:58,984 --> 00:06:00,920 - Well, the plaintiff's deposition alleges that... 153 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:01,611 - no, further back. 154 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,197 What kind of dinosaur was your grandfather? 155 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,199 - Um, the plaintiff alleges that there is 156 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,411 a widespread culture of depravity here at TGS... 157 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:13,081 Sexual harassment, intimidation, threats of violence. 158 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:16,585 Her deposition is very gross. 159 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,587 - I'm going to use this doll to show you 160 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,714 what Tracy and Jenna did to me. 161 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,246 [High-pitched voice] No, no, no! 162 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:22,883 [Normal voice] Yes. 163 00:06:23,174 --> 00:06:23,758 [Grunting] 164 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:25,927 [Singing indistinctly in falsetto] 165 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,219 [Grunting] 166 00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:29,055 [Screaming] 167 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:31,016 - She's lying like a rug. 168 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:34,227 "Rug" is an offensive term for persians that I made up. 169 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:36,021 - We would never do that to a page... 170 00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:37,856 Maybe that tall Asian one. 171 00:06:38,148 --> 00:06:39,357 - Oh, yeah, Miranda. 172 00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:41,651 Her hair is so thick and black. 173 00:06:41,943 --> 00:06:42,569 - Please don't include me in this. 174 00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:45,614 Look, legal views this as a frivolous lawsuit. 175 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,283 Hazel Wassername, aka Richard drench, 176 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:51,161 has a long history of suing former employers. 177 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:53,705 So all we need is for everyone who works at TGS 178 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,749 to sign this affidavit 179 00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,709 saying that they have never witnessed 180 00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,503 or been party to any inappropriate behavior. 181 00:07:00,795 --> 00:07:01,939 - I once played a lawyer in a movie, 182 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:03,843 so I know all about winning your son's love back 183 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:05,467 thanks to a magic camera. 184 00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:07,469 - Yes, movies are terrible. 185 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,055 - Well, don't worry. We'll get everyone to sign. 186 00:07:10,347 --> 00:07:11,908 - We really don't want this to go to court 187 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:12,932 for a number of reasons. 188 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:16,019 You two could be personally liable for any damages. 189 00:07:16,311 --> 00:07:19,064 Hank Hooper hates any type of negative publicity like this. 190 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,107 And I didn't super-duper finish law school. 191 00:07:21,399 --> 00:07:24,277 So... - Ah. 192 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:27,906 - I'm sorry about that. 193 00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:30,742 I just miss your mother so much. 194 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,495 She was an angel that fell from heaven. 195 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:34,371 - Uh, yes. 196 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,957 [Whispering] So was Lucifer. 197 00:07:37,248 --> 00:07:39,125 - Do you have a bathroom I could use? 198 00:07:39,417 --> 00:07:41,544 - Uh, down at the end of the hall. 199 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:43,397 - I may be in there a while because I have 200 00:07:43,421 --> 00:07:45,674 a gluten thing that turns my business white. 201 00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:48,677 Both: Just go! 202 00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:58,770 - So, Martha, tell me some more funny Colleen stories. 203 00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:03,817 - Colleen had two night tables? 204 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,318 Kama Sutra? 205 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:09,572 Huh? 206 00:08:09,864 --> 00:08:11,408 Who is "m"? 207 00:08:11,700 --> 00:08:14,869 Gah! 208 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,625 Shmesbians! [Gasps] 209 00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:22,502 - Where are my manners? This is Florida. 210 00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,879 Let me boil up a pot of hot Gatorade. 211 00:08:25,171 --> 00:08:26,171 Is Blue okay? 212 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,842 - Ah. 213 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,251 - [Whispering] Jack, bedroom... 214 00:08:32,470 --> 00:08:33,710 - lies. Martha's been telling me 215 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,515 Colleen loved children and animals. 216 00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,927 The only animal Colleen ever bought me was a myna bird 217 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:40,520 who was later revealed to be Colleen's personal spy. 218 00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,355 I told that bird everything. 219 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:43,767 - No, Jack, it's not a scam. 220 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:47,444 I think Martha and Colleen were... Together. 221 00:08:47,736 --> 00:08:49,630 - Have you lost your mind? - [Normal voice] It's a thing. 222 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,007 Men die first, and these older women are alone 223 00:08:51,031 --> 00:08:52,631 and turn to each other for companionship, 224 00:08:52,824 --> 00:08:54,464 like my aunt Linda and her roommate, Jean. 225 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:55,699 But they weren't lesbians. 226 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,013 Oh, my god, of course they were! 227 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:58,621 - Lemon, listen to what you're saying. 228 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:00,081 Colleen Donaghy was gay? 229 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,613 She stopped watching the bruins 230 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:03,795 because Derek Sanderson's mustache made him look, 231 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:06,254 "like he takes his sandwich with a pickle." 232 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,426 - They shared a bed, Jack... A sleep number bed, 233 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,635 set to two drastically different firmness levels. 234 00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:12,469 Only an insane person would do that 235 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:13,821 if they were sleeping alone. 236 00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:14,845 Insane! 237 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,407 - Martha tricked Colleen into thinking 238 00:09:16,431 --> 00:09:17,057 she was her friend, 239 00:09:17,348 --> 00:09:19,184 and of course two friends can share a bed. 240 00:09:19,476 --> 00:09:21,352 For example, Abraham Lincoln and his roommate, 241 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,524 Joshua fry speed, slept in the same bed together 242 00:09:23,813 --> 00:09:26,399 until Joshua died from dancing too long at a party. 243 00:09:26,691 --> 00:09:28,276 [Door opens] 244 00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:29,235 - The Gatorade's on. 245 00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,988 While we're waiting, I DVR'd a documentary 246 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:37,243 about the woman who designed all of Pat Summitt's blazers. 247 00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:42,582 - Kenneth, we have a signed affidavit 248 00:09:42,874 --> 00:09:44,074 regarding this Hazel situation 249 00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:46,878 from everyone on the TGS crew except you. 250 00:09:47,170 --> 00:09:49,047 - [Sighs] - Look, I get it. 251 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:51,591 I know how former lovers can have a hold over you 252 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,343 long after they're gone. 253 00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:55,261 In some ways, I'm still pinned 254 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:56,947 under a passed-out Harvey weinstein, 255 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,306 and it's Thanksgiving. 256 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,142 - But the truth is, Hazel is gone, Ken Jennings, 257 00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:04,312 and to prove it, we hid a camera on a gigolo friend of ours 258 00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,481 and asked him to seduce Hazel. 259 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:07,917 - Sloppy Rodney... Do you know him? 260 00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,150 He has syphilis. 261 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,111 - Hey, baby, you want to get down? 262 00:10:11,402 --> 00:10:12,402 - Sloppy Rodney? 263 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,656 [Laughs] It's me, Richard drench. 264 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,282 - I remember that ass. 265 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:17,617 - [Laughing] 266 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:19,869 - Please stop. 267 00:10:20,161 --> 00:10:23,456 Hazel isn't the reason I won't sign that affidavit. 268 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,908 The truth is, I have seen a lot of inappropriate things 269 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:27,252 here at TGS, 270 00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:28,824 and I don't want to lie about it. 271 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,213 - What's the big deal? 272 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:31,214 Lying is easy. 273 00:10:31,506 --> 00:10:33,341 For example, there isn't a hole in my pocket 274 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,176 I keep touching my penis through. 275 00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:36,177 See? Easy. 276 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,804 - Not for me, sir. 277 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,348 I've lost a lot this past year. 278 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,393 I went from being a page to a janitor. 279 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,311 My girlfriend dumped me. 280 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:48,606 The only thing I have left is my integrity. 281 00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:51,860 Now, you both know I would do anything for you. 282 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,445 But I want you to think long and hard 283 00:10:54,737 --> 00:10:57,532 before you ask me to sign that affidavit, 284 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:00,910 because you'd be making me give up who I am. 285 00:11:01,202 --> 00:11:04,622 - Whatever. Sign it. - Uh-huh. Sign it. 286 00:11:07,625 --> 00:11:09,752 - I apologize. 287 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:12,204 We never had the need for a second bedroom around here. 288 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:13,882 This is usually where I store 289 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:18,178 my woodworking tools and the pottery I make. 290 00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:20,930 - [Gags] 291 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:22,390 [Clears throat loudly] 292 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:23,802 - What's the problem, Lemon? 293 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,268 They're just lumpy flowers. 294 00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:27,854 - Now, I don't know who usually sleeps on which side, 295 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,356 so I put a strawberry calcium chew 296 00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:31,968 on both night tables for you, Liz. 297 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:32,901 - Uh, we're coworkers, Ms. Edwards. 298 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:34,211 - Oh, we're not... no, no, no. 299 00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:36,279 - Oh, I'm sorry. I just assumed... 300 00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:37,571 - that's quite all right. 301 00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,383 A lot of people are making wild assumptions today. 302 00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:41,409 Our relationship is purely platonic, 303 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,620 if Plato had an elderly, shut-in aunt. 304 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:44,621 - Uh-huh, you know what Plato did have? 305 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,193 A gay relationship with socrates. 306 00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:47,641 - Lemon, the only way you're like socrates 307 00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,018 is you have the body hair of a Greek man. 308 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,362 - Are you sure you aren't married? 309 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,128 'Cause this seems pretty married. 310 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:53,922 - Siri, find me the nearest hotel. 311 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,494 - Finding hookers. Is that right? 312 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:56,997 - Oh, you don't want to go out. 313 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,777 The Vietnam vets are starting to retire, 314 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:01,387 and they get antsy at night around all these palm trees. 315 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:02,679 - No, that's all right. 316 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:03,889 We can sleep together, 317 00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,577 because there's nothing weird about two friends sharing a bed, 318 00:12:06,601 --> 00:12:09,270 right, Jack? - Of course not. 319 00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,193 - Your pajamas have a turtleneck. 320 00:12:15,485 --> 00:12:16,605 - They're from the L.L. Bean 321 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,446 maritime professional collection. 322 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,448 So what way do you want 323 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,242 to totally normally sleep together? 324 00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,370 Face-to-face, or butt-to-butt? 325 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:31,042 - Uh, careful... old mattress. 326 00:12:36,464 --> 00:12:39,008 [Grunts, sighs] 327 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,500 It goes without saying, Lemon, 328 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,071 that nothing will happen in this bed tonight, 329 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,430 and I am referring, of course, to your... 330 00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:45,722 Digestive failings. 331 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:47,433 - I'd laugh, but I'm trying not to do 332 00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:50,311 the thing that you just referred to. 333 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:53,648 [Both grunting and sighing] 334 00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,487 Why didn't anything ever happen between us? 335 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:00,488 - Good god, Lemon. 336 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,907 If you're trying to conjure my mother's ghost, 337 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:04,701 you could just shake a jar of coins 338 00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,369 while praising Jimmy Carter. 339 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,621 - No, I'm not saying I wanted something to happen. 340 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,068 But why didn't something happen? 341 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:11,483 We've spent a lot of time together. 342 00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:14,252 We've been drunk together and day-drunk together 343 00:13:14,544 --> 00:13:15,944 and on the rebound at the same time, 344 00:13:16,045 --> 00:13:17,797 and also, you're kind of a slut. 345 00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:20,425 - I did sleep with Jenna a lot during season three. 346 00:13:20,717 --> 00:13:22,468 - If I were a different person, 347 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:24,137 would you have hit on me? 348 00:13:24,429 --> 00:13:25,781 - I understand what you're getting at, Lemon. 349 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,849 There was a particularly youth-orientated priest 350 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:31,436 in my childhood parish who went after everybody but me... 351 00:13:31,728 --> 00:13:34,439 Even fat Ralph, and he ate his boogers. 352 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,482 I felt so unpretty. 353 00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,401 - No, this isn't about appearance, Jack. 354 00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,028 Did nothing ever happen between us 355 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,905 because I'm not fun? 356 00:13:43,197 --> 00:13:44,449 - Good god, Lemon. 357 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:46,760 Obviously, our relationship, however you define it... 358 00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:47,827 Mentor/mentee... 359 00:13:48,119 --> 00:13:49,319 - sister-ployee/work oracle... 360 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:52,540 - is more interesting than some dating scenario. 361 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,375 And obviously, to ruin what we have 362 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,836 with a tawdry, yet expert sexual encounter 363 00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:58,129 would've been a mistake. 364 00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:00,340 - Obviously, but is it the kind of mistake 365 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,925 that I should have made? 366 00:14:03,217 --> 00:14:04,594 Tracy told me I haven't lived. 367 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,971 - You're allowing Tracy to criticize 368 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:08,681 your life choices... Tracy Jordan? 369 00:14:08,973 --> 00:14:10,933 - Whoa. 370 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:14,729 [Sighs] 371 00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,773 - Now what? 372 00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,065 - But he's right. 373 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,650 I haven't done anything impulsive ever. 374 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,819 I don't have any tattoos or broken bones. 375 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:22,737 I've never been high, 376 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,781 except for that choir trip to Montreal 377 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,908 where I accidentally ate a pound of marijuana. 378 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,035 - Also, maybe I was never attracted to you 379 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,763 because you're the kind of person who finds a way 380 00:14:30,787 --> 00:14:33,081 to talk about herself while lying in my dead mother's bed. 381 00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,373 - Wow. Okay. 382 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:35,958 Well, for the record, it's mutual. 383 00:14:36,250 --> 00:14:37,710 I wasn't exactly chomping at the bit 384 00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:40,421 to be with a middle-aged man with crippling mommy issues. 385 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,341 - First of all, it's "champing" at the bit. 386 00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:44,842 Horses champ. 387 00:14:45,134 --> 00:14:47,154 And second of all, I'm not going to fight in bed with a woman 388 00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:48,338 I'm not even having sex with. 389 00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:49,764 - Why? Is it weird? 390 00:14:50,056 --> 00:14:51,641 - Of course it's weird. 391 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,435 Lincoln was super gay. - Thank you. 392 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:58,064 - And I don't even want to think about my mother. 393 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:00,608 And I know those pots aren't flowers. 394 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:04,695 [Whispering] They're my mother's vagina. 395 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,075 - J-Mo, I am like the following joke 396 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,993 about Bjork's swan dress... 397 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:11,786 Tired. 398 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:12,787 - Mm. - I've seen dresses 399 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,079 that look fly, 400 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:15,706 but never dresses that can fly. 401 00:15:15,998 --> 00:15:16,998 - [Sighs] 402 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:18,626 I couldn't sleep at all last night. 403 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,546 I've got this weird, sick feeling in my stomach. 404 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:22,838 - Me too. 405 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,632 It's the same feeling I got in 1997 406 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,684 when that jury foreman looked at me and said, 407 00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:27,301 "guilty!" 408 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:29,887 And I had to close my water park. 409 00:15:30,179 --> 00:15:32,974 I forgot to make an opening at the end of the slide. 410 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:34,809 - Is that what this is... guilt? 411 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,102 - I don't think so. 412 00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,563 I mean, what have we done to feel guilty about? 413 00:15:38,855 --> 00:15:41,232 - We don't care that we made Kenneth lie, right? 414 00:15:41,524 --> 00:15:43,776 - No! Come on! It's Kenneth. 415 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,362 Although he has been acting a little different 416 00:15:46,654 --> 00:15:48,072 since yesterday. 417 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:49,824 - What? Did I miss a spot? 418 00:15:50,116 --> 00:15:51,659 I don't care. 419 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,911 All I care about is which jazz club 420 00:15:54,203 --> 00:15:56,789 I'm going to tonight. 421 00:15:57,081 --> 00:15:58,374 - He's broken. 422 00:15:58,666 --> 00:15:59,834 - Oh. 423 00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:01,377 [Door closes] 424 00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:02,962 - Good morning, Jack. 425 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:04,338 You sleep okay? 426 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,950 Colleen's myna bird told me you spent the night in the car. 427 00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:10,303 - Oh, I slept fine. 428 00:16:10,595 --> 00:16:13,306 - Before you leave, I wanted you to have this. 429 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:14,741 That was taken at the wrap party 430 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,809 for our community center's production of grease. 431 00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,478 Your mother was Sandy. 432 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:20,563 Well, the fourth Sandy. 433 00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:22,415 The first three died falling off the car 434 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:23,690 during "summer lovin'." 435 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:27,445 - I don't know the last time I saw her so happy. 436 00:16:29,906 --> 00:16:30,906 [Scoffs] 437 00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:35,203 I'm glad she had you to, uh, take care of her. 438 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,913 [Cell phone rings] 439 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,205 Lemon? 440 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,372 - Jack, you need to come to Orlando and pick me up. 441 00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:43,294 I'm in Harry Potter world jail. 442 00:16:43,586 --> 00:16:45,004 - [Breathing heavily] 443 00:16:45,296 --> 00:16:48,007 Kenneth Parcell isn't signing your precious affidavit. 444 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:51,427 - That is a Christmas card from my estranged daughter. 445 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:52,719 - Tell him, Ken. 446 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,389 If you've ever experienced anything inappropriate at work, 447 00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,226 just tell the truth. 448 00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:07,068 - Well, sir... 449 00:17:07,360 --> 00:17:08,962 - No, Kenneth, you have something in your teeth. 450 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,571 I'm just trying to lick it off. 451 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:13,699 Let me do it. I'm your friend. 452 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,868 - Want to see a porno my cousin is in? 453 00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,829 [Dramatic classical music] 454 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:26,587 ♪ ♪ 455 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,464 - [Laughing] 456 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:30,466 - To close a very important deal, 457 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:32,319 I'm going to need to loan you to David geffen 458 00:17:32,343 --> 00:17:33,343 for the weekend. 459 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:35,071 - Why do I even take birth control pills 460 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,722 if I'm always gonna be alone? 461 00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:38,454 You might as well take them, Kenneth. 462 00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:40,351 You take them! 463 00:17:40,643 --> 00:17:41,643 Take them! 464 00:17:41,852 --> 00:17:44,814 - Now, for days that weren't my birthday... 465 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:47,108 - Get me Philadelphia. 466 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,610 'Cause I wanted to sound cool, okay, Tucker? 467 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,989 Fine, get me Gary Derekson. 468 00:17:56,826 --> 00:17:57,493 - Well, I did it. 469 00:17:57,785 --> 00:18:00,204 I tried to live life, and it sucked. 470 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:02,957 I came here without studying the park map beforehand, 471 00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:04,729 which is how I ended up in a long line 472 00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,721 that turned out to just be a crowd of people 473 00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:08,170 watching two owls have sex. 474 00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:09,742 Then the park started to fill up, 475 00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,425 but, oh, I'm being spontaneous, so I tried to cut the line 476 00:18:12,717 --> 00:18:14,760 for the flight of the hippogriff, 477 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,430 which is when Duncan here caught me. 478 00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:19,098 What is the point, Jack? 479 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,183 I am who I am, and I'm never gonna change. 480 00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:22,476 I'll die full of regrets, 481 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,448 like that time I sat next to Richard Grieco 482 00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,647 on an airplane and just let him read his hustlers 483 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,983 without ever telling him I was a fan. 484 00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:30,275 - Lemon, you're wrong. 485 00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,569 People can change. 486 00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:34,155 Maybe tomorrow, maybe when you're 85, 487 00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:37,325 you'll find a reason to do something 488 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,617 totally out of character. 489 00:18:38,826 --> 00:18:42,455 After all, that's what Colleen did. 490 00:18:42,747 --> 00:18:43,867 - Not to make this about me, 491 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,267 but are you admitting that I was right 492 00:18:45,291 --> 00:18:48,961 about your mother's late-in-life lez-out? 493 00:18:49,253 --> 00:18:50,796 - I just can't believe it. 494 00:18:51,088 --> 00:18:53,341 - I know, and a woman of color too... good for her. 495 00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:56,302 - No, not that. I can't believe she was happy. 496 00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:58,220 She was Mrs. Silly. 497 00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,847 - Oh, sketch idea. - At the end, 498 00:19:00,139 --> 00:19:01,783 when she said she just wanted me to be happy, 499 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:02,516 I thought she was being sarcastic, 500 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,648 because when I was growing up, I thought people 501 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:06,270 who wanted to be happy were weak... 502 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:08,898 Hippies, Italians, kindergarten teachers. 503 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:10,650 What am I supposed to do with this? 504 00:19:10,941 --> 00:19:12,818 I don't know how to be happy. 505 00:19:13,110 --> 00:19:14,171 - What are you talking about? 506 00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,915 That is enough of your black Irish nonsense. 507 00:19:15,988 --> 00:19:16,988 Of course you're happy. 508 00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,658 - It's never been the goal, Lemon. 509 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,743 The goal has always been money or prestige 510 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,621 or, when playing hockey, the goal. 511 00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,724 - Jack, in an hour, you are flying to New York City 512 00:19:25,748 --> 00:19:28,918 on a private jet to a party celebrating you 513 00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:31,295 as Kabletown's next CEO. 514 00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:32,939 It's everything you've ever wanted. 515 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,508 And Colleen is looking down on you right now, 516 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,386 and you're happier than you've ever been. 517 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:41,514 - Of course I am. 518 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:50,189 [Telephone ringing] 519 00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,068 - Hello, Beverly. 520 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:55,403 - It's just Bev, Liz. 521 00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:56,935 My mother died while naming me. 522 00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:59,615 Well, I do have an opportunity for an immediate placement. 523 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,033 - Really? Wow. Okay. 524 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,535 - There is one issue. 525 00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,745 It's two children... A brother and a sister, 526 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,397 and we don't want to split them up. 527 00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:08,374 - Two? Boy, that wasn't our plan. 528 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:10,251 - I know. It's a lot to take on. 529 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:11,127 Why don't you discuss it 530 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:13,105 with that little action figure you're married to? 531 00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,129 - No, no, we'll do it. 532 00:20:14,338 --> 00:20:16,048 - Are you sure? - Yes, we'll take them. 533 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,217 We'll take both kids. 534 00:20:18,509 --> 00:20:19,949 [Knock at door] - There you are, Liz. 535 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:21,387 I'm on my way up to see Jack, 536 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,306 but as long as I'm still CEO, I want to say two things. 537 00:20:24,598 --> 00:20:26,809 One, did you get a little sun? You're glowing. 538 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,937 And two, because of the lawsuit and the P.R. nightmare 539 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,064 and the den of sin you've built here, 540 00:20:32,356 --> 00:20:34,734 I have to go ahead and cancel TGS. 541 00:20:35,025 --> 00:20:37,653 Next Friday is your last show. 542 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:41,449 - Great news, Liz. 543 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,461 Kenneth doesn't have different hair anymore. 544 00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,870 - [Giggles] 545 00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:48,581 Liz? Liz? 546 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,877 - I showed up without a bra one day, 547 00:20:53,169 --> 00:20:56,088 and I was viciously harassed until I put on a shirt. 548 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,716 I once saw Kenneth Parcell naked. 549 00:20:59,008 --> 00:21:00,176 It was horrible. 550 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:02,428 His body is just a smooth beige tube 551 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:03,720 with a head. 552 00:21:03,929 --> 00:21:05,639 Frank Rossitano was always trying 553 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,475 to give me pornography 554 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,643 that I had given him in the first place. 555 00:21:09,935 --> 00:21:10,936 I mean, what a re-gifter. 556 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:14,523 There were these two African-American giants 557 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:17,443 that were always pressuring me 558 00:21:17,735 --> 00:21:18,986 to join their book club. 559 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:21,489 Can I please have a glass of water? 560 00:21:21,781 --> 00:21:23,741 Thank you.