1
00:00:07,980 --> 00:00:14,100
I sing a song of England in those lusty
days of yore.

2
00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:20,420
The night a royal child was born to good
Queen Eleanor.

3
00:00:25,060 --> 00:00:26,400
It's a boy.

4
00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:30,940
Praise be to God. England has a future
king.

5
00:00:31,460 --> 00:00:35,100
But wicked barons lie in wait.

6
00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,780
to do their wicked thing.

7
00:00:38,280 --> 00:00:45,080
They've sworn that helpless little child
shall never be their king.

8
00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:46,980
Never!

9
00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:56,100
Take him to the forest and leave him
there to die.

10
00:01:00,040 --> 00:01:06,670
But as the barons rode away, their evil
mission on.

11
00:01:07,090 --> 00:01:13,690
Within the chamber of the queen, another
child is born.

12
00:01:16,170 --> 00:01:17,690
It's twins.

13
00:01:18,470 --> 00:01:19,870
Praise to God.

14
00:01:20,090 --> 00:01:22,490
England has another king.

15
00:01:23,030 --> 00:01:29,190
That child it was became the king of
everlasting fame.

16
00:01:29,670 --> 00:01:32,410
A lion -hearted warrior.

17
00:01:33,690 --> 00:01:36,150
King Richard was his name.

18
00:01:38,770 --> 00:01:40,650
Oh, I'm so bored.

19
00:01:42,510 --> 00:01:44,990
Oh, not this for a lark.

20
00:01:45,190 --> 00:01:47,610
I'm going on a crusade.

21
00:01:51,330 --> 00:01:58,290
And no one knew and no one cared

22
00:01:58,290 --> 00:02:01,190
what happened to his brother.

23
00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:05,380
So frail, forsaken and alone.

24
00:02:05,860 --> 00:02:09,699
No father and no mother.

25
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:16,380
And thus

26
00:02:16,380 --> 00:02:23,420
it

27
00:02:23,420 --> 00:02:30,300
happened that I grew up in that lowly
pigsty. And it came to pass...

28
00:02:30,730 --> 00:02:35,530
But eventually they realized I was not a
pig like the others.

29
00:02:35,770 --> 00:02:38,270
And they took me into the castle.

30
00:02:39,890 --> 00:02:41,710
I haven't finished yet.

31
00:02:45,090 --> 00:02:51,010
And I became a servant, a serf. And they
named me Lurkelot.

32
00:02:51,530 --> 00:02:52,850
Because I do.

33
00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:11,740
Give me a modern man who knows how it
has to be, not some old miser

34
00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:18,200
hoarding my chastity, listing his lady
as though she were some kind of

35
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,400
chattel. It's unnatural.

36
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:27,320
I need a strong, true fighter who'll
willingly tilt for me, not some poor

37
00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:30,320
who'll suddenly wilt when he's hard.

38
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:37,720
pressed right in the thick of the
battle. Oh, for a night for my

39
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:44,500
nights. Oh, for a night for my nights.
Oh, for a

40
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:45,940
night for my nights.

41
00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:02,450
do out there all day?

42
00:04:03,050 --> 00:04:04,630
I'm not sure, my dear.

43
00:04:05,310 --> 00:04:07,410
I believe he invents things.

44
00:04:11,830 --> 00:04:12,830
That's it.

45
00:04:13,770 --> 00:04:16,089
I wonder.

46
00:04:19,010 --> 00:04:20,730
I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

47
00:04:21,269 --> 00:04:26,370
After all, I might get killed and think
what a loss it would be to humanity.

48
00:04:27,719 --> 00:04:31,840
No. No. After all, if I'm going to
market this thing, I must be the one to

49
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:32,840
it out.

50
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:34,000
Now.

51
00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:41,060
There we are. The lurker lot flying
machine, mark one.

52
00:04:42,420 --> 00:04:45,620
Thou hast thy wings, and thou art ready
to fly.

53
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,060
Follow thou closely my instructions.

54
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,800
Spread thy arms to the uttermost.

55
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:56,280
launcheth thyself from a great height,
and flappeth thy wings up and down like

56
00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,700
the veritable clappers. That's right.

57
00:05:00,020 --> 00:05:05,620
In order to obtain best results, it is
recommendedeth that thou should

58
00:05:05,620 --> 00:05:10,980
beforehand eateth two groatsworth of
butter beans to ensure a perfect lift

59
00:05:14,700 --> 00:05:18,120
Oh, not now. I'm just getting ready for
blast -off.

60
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,520
He'll have to go. I agree.

61
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,940
Let's swap him for one of these nice
Swedish girls.

62
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:36,020
One small step for man, one giant leap
for mankind.

63
00:05:37,580 --> 00:05:39,240
Oh, milady Lobelia.

64
00:05:39,720 --> 00:05:40,740
Would you mind?

65
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,820
Ah, south by southeast.

66
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:45,339
Five knots.

67
00:05:45,340 --> 00:05:46,340
Yes. Thank you.

68
00:05:56,659 --> 00:06:00,000
Here. Oh, me chopper.

69
00:06:04,520 --> 00:06:05,680
I'm all right, Mother.

70
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,060
Don't get your crackling a twist.

71
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:10,420
Oh, she does fuss.

72
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:13,480
Look -a -lot, there you are. Come in at
once.

73
00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:15,300
I want you to pose for me.

74
00:06:24,940 --> 00:06:25,940
Yes, madam.

75
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:31,000
Four years I've been posing for this,
and she hasn't even finished me

76
00:06:31,580 --> 00:06:32,980
Mind you, it's a lot of stitches.

77
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:37,680
Oh, damn, damn, damn, and blah.

78
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:41,060
The confounded roof is leaking again.

79
00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:46,360
This is my master. My master's a coward.
It's a coward decusted.

80
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:53,040
His daughter, Lobelia, was born 23 years
ago, and that... But alas, was

81
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:54,760
custard's last stand.

82
00:06:56,020 --> 00:06:58,440
Our body of the stinking fish.

83
00:06:58,780 --> 00:06:59,780
What's the matter, dear?

84
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,980
What's the matter? The castle is
crumbling about our ears and there isn't

85
00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:04,660
penny in the coffers to pay for the
repairs.

86
00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:09,560
Three pounds a year it costs to run this
castle. Where am I going to get that

87
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:10,560
sort of money from?

88
00:07:10,580 --> 00:07:14,760
Rubbish! Our daughter, Lobelia, must
marry our neighbour, Sir Braggart de

89
00:07:14,760 --> 00:07:15,760
Bombard.

90
00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:17,580
Oh, look at you!

91
00:07:17,820 --> 00:07:19,100
Now look what you've made me do!

92
00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,550
Yes, it's my turn.

93
00:07:25,170 --> 00:07:28,590
You cannot allow your daughter, Lobelia,
to marry Sir Braggart de Bombast.

94
00:07:28,830 --> 00:07:34,110
Why, he's nothing but a drunkard, a
dissolute lecher, a despoiler of young

95
00:07:34,110 --> 00:07:36,370
virgins, and the best part of the film.

96
00:07:36,830 --> 00:07:41,210
Besides, Sir Braggart will be brutally
displeased when he finds out that your

97
00:07:41,210 --> 00:07:43,550
daughter, Lobelia, is not chaste.

98
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:49,450
Well, she is, but she falls down a lot.
Even now she lies with the woodman.

99
00:07:49,610 --> 00:07:51,810
That's not true. He merely went out
there to stoke a fire.

100
00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:53,070
Well...

101
00:07:53,580 --> 00:07:55,080
putting it? Get out.

102
00:07:55,540 --> 00:07:59,420
All right. All right. Get somebody else
to pose for your city.

103
00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:23,800
Don't knock into anything.

104
00:08:23,840 --> 00:08:24,840
Look at that, then.

105
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:26,660
Mother known. Oh, sorry.

106
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,620
This is not weed. The custard.

107
00:08:28,900 --> 00:08:29,900
Air apparent.

108
00:08:30,580 --> 00:08:31,600
Brains not so.

109
00:08:32,059 --> 00:08:35,640
I thought I'd find you here, playing
with your crucibles.

110
00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:37,500
You'll pardon you. I'm working.

111
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:39,080
What's that you're making?

112
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,860
This is my latest batch of homemade
aphrodisiac.

113
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:45,460
What's that?

114
00:08:46,300 --> 00:08:48,920
Aphrodisiac. Well, it's the pseudo.

115
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:50,880
Gets you going.

116
00:08:52,170 --> 00:08:53,170
Going where?

117
00:08:54,010 --> 00:08:58,650
Look, this is for people, you see, who
want to, but they can't. And they take

118
00:08:58,650 --> 00:09:01,910
some of this, you see, drink some of
this, and they can, like rattlesnake.

119
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:03,910
Can what?

120
00:09:03,950 --> 00:09:04,950
Rattle.

121
00:09:05,550 --> 00:09:07,190
This is a love potion.

122
00:09:07,970 --> 00:09:10,170
That's exactly what I need, because I've
been smitten.

123
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:12,570
Smitten? By whom, pray?

124
00:09:13,050 --> 00:09:16,050
Mary, the milkmaid. Oh, Mary from the
dairy.

125
00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:17,890
I know her well, yes.

126
00:09:18,250 --> 00:09:20,090
One of the biggest pullers in the
village.

127
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,600
Dost thou think thou canst help me,
Lurkelot? Dost thou?

128
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:30,120
Yes, I doth. I definitely doth.

129
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,140
I do all the dusting round here.

130
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,840
Dusting? Oh, don't bother.

131
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:41,140
Look, this girl of yours, she's a
milkmaid. Yes. Does she drink a pint of

132
00:09:41,140 --> 00:09:46,100
day? I think so. Well, look, put a few
drops of this in it. Now, remember this.

133
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,640
Two drops, and she's yours.

134
00:09:48,980 --> 00:09:50,780
More than that, she's anybody's.

135
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,520
How... Can I thank you?

136
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:53,760
By going.

137
00:09:55,140 --> 00:09:57,100
I have to get this ready for the early
morning delivery.

138
00:09:57,460 --> 00:09:58,680
This is selling well, you know.

139
00:09:58,880 --> 00:09:59,880
Really? Very well.

140
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:04,700
I have a standing order for 40 gallons a
week in the village.

141
00:10:04,940 --> 00:10:05,940
Have you?

142
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,020
It'll be the biggest town in England
soon.

143
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:09,780
Well, it's a great help to our finances.

144
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,460
Well, it pays the rates.

145
00:10:11,780 --> 00:10:15,240
Well, Father, he's very grateful to you.
Well, he's been very kind to me.

146
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:18,080
It's the least I can do till I find out
who I really am.

147
00:10:19,600 --> 00:10:20,600
Not weed.

148
00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:21,840
Who am I?

149
00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,900
Whose wild oat am I? Whose loins did I
spring from?

150
00:10:26,140 --> 00:10:27,540
Who put me in the pigsty?

151
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,000
Ah, it must be somebody.

152
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:34,480
It's not conceivable with all these
brains and all these good looks. I'm

153
00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:35,480
load of old tat.

154
00:10:38,780 --> 00:10:42,900
Poor lecher. I don't suppose you even
know how old you are. Oh, about 23, 24.

155
00:10:43,670 --> 00:10:47,870
Father said he found you in the pigsty
in 1157. That is over 40 years ago.

156
00:10:48,110 --> 00:10:50,550
He found me at 1157.

157
00:10:51,390 --> 00:10:56,370
Don't worry. One day I'll find out who I
really am. My voices will tell me.

158
00:10:56,730 --> 00:10:57,549
Your voices?

159
00:10:57,550 --> 00:10:58,550
Yes, my voices.

160
00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:02,570
Sometimes at night I hear them. They
speak to me. They get quite chatty at

161
00:11:02,570 --> 00:11:03,710
times. What do they say?

162
00:11:04,110 --> 00:11:06,350
They say... Like a lot.

163
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:08,270
Like a lot.

164
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,800
Can you hear me, Lurkelot?

165
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:19,060
Yes.

166
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:21,360
Receiving you loud and clear.

167
00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:22,740
Over.

168
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,860
Lurkelot, the time has come to tell you
who you really are.

169
00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,420
Yes, yes. Please tell me who I really
am.

170
00:11:32,660 --> 00:11:35,320
You're not Lurkelot the Surf at all.

171
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:39,280
No, no. I knew it. I knew I was a knob.

172
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,680
Tell me who I really am.

173
00:11:42,120 --> 00:11:43,620
You're none other than...

174
00:11:58,670 --> 00:11:59,670
you I really am.

175
00:12:03,230 --> 00:12:04,350
Oh, shut up.

176
00:12:22,530 --> 00:12:27,130
Like a nice chicken. That's killed a
day. Fresh today.

177
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:37,650
Love potions and chastity bolts.

178
00:12:38,170 --> 00:12:39,430
Everyone a woman.

179
00:12:39,690 --> 00:12:40,690
There we are.

180
00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:43,550
Love potions, chastity bolts.

181
00:12:44,250 --> 00:12:48,470
Love potions and chastity bolts.

182
00:13:02,410 --> 00:13:03,410
Potional tragedy belt.

183
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:05,110
Yes, love potion for you.

184
00:13:05,950 --> 00:13:06,950
Here.

185
00:13:07,350 --> 00:13:08,349
Lucky charms.

186
00:13:08,350 --> 00:13:11,130
Hey, get your lucky charms. Ward off
evil. Lucky charms.

187
00:13:11,330 --> 00:13:12,330
Protect yourself.

188
00:13:12,630 --> 00:13:15,590
Will you take the old one in part
exchange?

189
00:13:16,190 --> 00:13:17,710
Yes. Certainly, why not?

190
00:13:18,230 --> 00:13:19,590
Yes. Cut out the rust.

191
00:13:19,830 --> 00:13:23,030
Give it a re -spray. Someone will have
it. Right, now I'll allow you half a

192
00:13:23,030 --> 00:13:24,870
groat on this. It'll be ten groats,
please.

193
00:13:25,650 --> 00:13:26,810
That's it. Thank you very much.

194
00:13:27,490 --> 00:13:28,750
Here we are. Thank you.

195
00:13:29,590 --> 00:13:30,590
There we are.

196
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:34,400
Good luck. Oh, thank you. I didn't mean
him. I meant her.

197
00:13:34,740 --> 00:13:35,740
Lucky charms.

198
00:13:36,220 --> 00:13:37,580
Get your lucky charms.

199
00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:41,000
Guaranteed to protect you against every
hazard.

200
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:43,200
I'll have a bottle.

201
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:48,360
Is this your wife?

202
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,000
Yes.

203
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,040
Thank you. And the best of luck.

204
00:13:55,260 --> 00:13:56,840
Get your love potion here.

205
00:13:59,120 --> 00:14:01,040
You don't need any, sir, surely?

206
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:05,180
No, no, I'm just off to the Crusades.
I'd like to buy a chastity belt for my

207
00:14:05,180 --> 00:14:09,180
wife here. A very wise precaution, sir.
You can't trust anyone these days.

208
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,760
There's a lot of it about.

209
00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,440
Now, this is the ideal.

210
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,640
Absolutely marvellous, but saucy too.
It's a see -through.

211
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:23,120
Yes, beautifully made, double mortise
lock, as worn by the crowned backsides

212
00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,920
Europe. What do you think, dear? It's
very smart, isn't it?

213
00:14:26,220 --> 00:14:29,440
You'll be the envy of the tapestry class
in this. I'll take it. Yes.

214
00:14:29,790 --> 00:14:32,010
Well, now, shall I wrap it up, or will
you wear it now?

215
00:14:32,450 --> 00:14:35,630
There's a fitting room over there. No,
no, no, we'll take it with us.

216
00:14:36,510 --> 00:14:37,770
Well, there we are.

217
00:14:38,330 --> 00:14:39,330
Fifteen groats.

218
00:14:41,750 --> 00:14:42,750
Spare keys.

219
00:14:42,930 --> 00:14:43,849
Spare keys.

220
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:44,850
Spare keys.

221
00:14:44,870 --> 00:14:48,270
Lucky charms.

222
00:14:49,250 --> 00:14:50,710
Buy your lucky charms.

223
00:15:12,140 --> 00:15:16,080
Sir Braggart de Bombas, Sir Grumble de
Grunt, welcome to Custard in the Wold.

224
00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:19,500
To what do we owe the pleasure of this
visit, Sir Bombas?

225
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:24,820
I've come for an answer to my question
about buying your castle and lands.

226
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,860
I'm sorry, I've told you they are not
for sale.

227
00:15:28,140 --> 00:15:30,020
I will not be trifled with, Custard.

228
00:15:31,120 --> 00:15:32,120
Isn't he very funny?

229
00:15:32,380 --> 00:15:33,380
He's good.

230
00:15:33,740 --> 00:15:35,040
Trifle, Custard is here.

231
00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,160
Don't bother, carry on. Who are you?

232
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:41,160
This is my serf, Lurkelot. A serf.

233
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,240
I will not be thwarted.

234
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:46,320
I always get what I want.

235
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,820
Sir Braggart, it would please me very
much if you and your followers would be

236
00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:51,540
guests at Custard Castle tonight.

237
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,840
I'd like to throw a banquet in your
honour. I would like to throw one in his

238
00:15:55,840 --> 00:15:56,840
face.

239
00:16:09,640 --> 00:16:11,720
I'm terribly sorry, Lercolot, but it was
the only way.

240
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:17,080
We've got nothing else in the house. I
understand very well that Uncle Percy

241
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,820
always very good to me. I know, I know.

242
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:24,780
Go on, get the thing cut up. I'm
starving. Sir, have you no respect for

243
00:16:24,780 --> 00:16:28,700
departed? Will you carve, Lercolot, or
shall I?

244
00:16:28,980 --> 00:16:31,600
Oh, I couldn't, sir. I'm sorry, either.

245
00:16:32,200 --> 00:16:33,200
I understand.

246
00:16:35,580 --> 00:16:38,700
It's the last time I shall ask my family
round to tea.

247
00:16:46,869 --> 00:16:47,990
Common as muck.

248
00:16:48,210 --> 00:16:50,890
Would you like a piece of crackling, Sir
Braggart?

249
00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:52,470
Not now.

250
00:16:52,870 --> 00:16:53,870
Later.

251
00:16:54,730 --> 00:16:57,750
It was most gracious of you to accept
our invitation.

252
00:16:58,370 --> 00:17:02,230
I've long cherished the hope of
entertaining you in our humble castle.

253
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,530
The pleasure is all mine, my lady.

254
00:17:05,010 --> 00:17:10,650
You have a fine estate and a grand...
castle here, my lord. Such a property

255
00:17:10,650 --> 00:17:16,089
would be a prize for any ambitious
nobleman bent on increasing his power in

256
00:17:16,089 --> 00:17:18,869
land. And this one's as bent as they
come.

257
00:17:19,270 --> 00:17:21,650
No way, Durgalot. Yes, sir, yes.

258
00:17:21,970 --> 00:17:24,849
It's such a pity it's in such a poor
state of repair.

259
00:17:25,650 --> 00:17:29,870
It needs a man with money to keep it up.
Your fortunes will never be restored

260
00:17:29,870 --> 00:17:32,530
unless you win the archery pools.

261
00:17:33,030 --> 00:17:36,750
I cannot sell it. I hold it on trust for
my successors.

262
00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:39,370
One day, all this will come down to not
weed.

263
00:17:40,990 --> 00:17:41,990
Thank you, Father.

264
00:17:42,110 --> 00:17:45,890
I will restore it as soon as I start
selling my ballads.

265
00:17:46,190 --> 00:17:50,970
Music, that's all he thinks of. Come,
Mr. Custard. I'll strike a bargain with

266
00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:57,130
him. I'll give you 5 ,000 if you'll
throw her in as well.

267
00:17:57,550 --> 00:18:00,810
My Lord flatters me. I know as not what
to say.

268
00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,670
So long as she knoweth what to do,
that's all he's worried about.

269
00:18:04,110 --> 00:18:08,970
No fairer maid exists in all the land.
Such soulful eyes, such tempting lips,

270
00:18:09,190 --> 00:18:12,530
such a rich, smooth, creamy dress.

271
00:18:13,130 --> 00:18:14,850
And you want stuffing?

272
00:18:15,550 --> 00:18:18,990
You will regret your impudence before
this night is out, sir.

273
00:18:20,790 --> 00:18:22,510
Bring on the jester!

274
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:24,450
Hello,

275
00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:26,570
hello, hello.

276
00:18:26,730 --> 00:18:27,930
Good evening, folks.

277
00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:30,070
Now just sit back and relax.

278
00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:31,730
It's fun time.

279
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:34,100
I have to do everything around here.

280
00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:40,380
Right, funny story number one coming up.
Aha, folks, this will kill you. If it

281
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:43,640
doesn't, it might have just that effect
on you.

282
00:18:44,060 --> 00:18:45,420
Oh, dear, it's a good start.

283
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:46,660
Well, here goes.

284
00:18:46,980 --> 00:18:51,580
Ah, now, there was a knight, you see,
going off on this crusade. And he called

285
00:18:51,580 --> 00:18:55,460
his oldest servant to him. And he said,
oldest servant, he said, I want you to

286
00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:59,900
guard the key of my wife's chastity
belt. Chastity belt, you see.

287
00:19:00,490 --> 00:19:05,010
And the oldest servant said, oh, my
lord, I will guard this key with my

288
00:19:05,290 --> 00:19:09,930
So the knight rode off to the crusade.
Now, after he'd been running about a

289
00:19:09,930 --> 00:19:14,230
mile, the oldest servant came running up
and said, my lord, he said, you left me

290
00:19:14,230 --> 00:19:15,049
the wrong key.

291
00:19:15,050 --> 00:19:16,050
You see?

292
00:19:16,330 --> 00:19:17,610
You left me the wrong key.

293
00:19:17,850 --> 00:19:22,630
And he was trying to, you know, but he
wasn't all that old.

294
00:19:25,590 --> 00:19:26,590
Well,

295
00:19:26,930 --> 00:19:27,930
he told it to me.

296
00:19:28,270 --> 00:19:31,230
We don't like stories about crusaders,
sir.

297
00:19:31,510 --> 00:19:33,090
They're the scum of the earth.

298
00:19:33,370 --> 00:19:36,750
Surely you don't mean that, Sir
Braggart. Have you forgotten the most

299
00:19:36,750 --> 00:19:40,930
illustrious crusader of them all is none
other than our beloved king, Richard

300
00:19:40,930 --> 00:19:42,270
the Lionheart.

301
00:19:43,230 --> 00:19:45,930
What king did you say?

302
00:19:46,330 --> 00:19:47,830
Oh, God, here we go.

303
00:19:48,310 --> 00:19:49,830
King Richard, of course.

304
00:19:50,410 --> 00:19:51,530
Long may he live.

305
00:19:51,890 --> 00:19:53,790
Long may he rot in hell.

306
00:19:54,130 --> 00:19:56,490
I recognize no such king.

307
00:19:56,850 --> 00:20:02,040
I serve only... his brother, Prince
John, the only true and rightful monarch

308
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,040
this realm.

309
00:20:03,740 --> 00:20:05,940
Gentlemen, I give you a toast.

310
00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:11,700
Let all loyal Englishmen rise now and
drink to our liege lord, Prince John.

311
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:39,940
I'm fighting the good fight with all his
might. The man's a rotter. Oh, a

312
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:41,160
bounder. A rogue.

313
00:20:41,380 --> 00:20:43,440
A rascalion. A parrot.

314
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:47,060
You will pay for these insults. Ah,
well, he said the last one.

315
00:20:47,260 --> 00:20:50,140
Our champions will meet on the field of
honor tomorrow.

316
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:52,920
I throw down me gauntlet.

317
00:20:54,160 --> 00:20:55,160
Ah.

318
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:56,840
Don't dig.

319
00:20:57,460 --> 00:20:58,460
Don't dig.

320
00:21:01,820 --> 00:21:02,820
Don't dig.

321
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:03,699
Don't dig.

322
00:21:03,700 --> 00:21:04,700
Don't dig. Don't dig.

323
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:06,120
Don't dig.

324
00:21:19,530 --> 00:21:26,530
Serfs and Saxons come, presenting the
champion of Sir Braggart de Bombast,

325
00:21:26,770 --> 00:21:33,650
that terror of the tourney, that jovial
jock and jouster, at 865

326
00:21:33,650 --> 00:21:35,310
pounds in his armour.

327
00:21:54,030 --> 00:21:55,630
Ah, yes, my champion.

328
00:21:55,970 --> 00:21:59,690
Oh, where is he? Well, that's just it,
you see. I haven't got one.

329
00:21:59,890 --> 00:22:01,090
Oh, I could die of shame.

330
00:22:01,550 --> 00:22:05,810
Be it known, then, that since the coward
has failed to produce a challenger for

331
00:22:05,810 --> 00:22:08,470
my champion, I do thereby claim the
prize.

332
00:22:08,930 --> 00:22:12,990
I claim the Lady Lubelia as my private
property.

333
00:22:13,410 --> 00:22:16,250
Oh, well, perhaps everything's for the
best. Take her to my tent.

334
00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:31,250
Yes, it's me again.

335
00:22:31,430 --> 00:22:32,229
Who are you?

336
00:22:32,230 --> 00:22:34,250
Speak, Sir Knights.

337
00:22:34,650 --> 00:22:41,210
I am the man with no name. I am sworn to
defend the honor of the beautiful

338
00:22:41,210 --> 00:22:44,850
Lady Lobelia and of Richard, called the
Lionheart.

339
00:22:45,090 --> 00:22:47,390
A task that pleaseth me greatly.

340
00:22:47,790 --> 00:22:53,970
Thus I am known as the happiest knight
of the year. Let the joust begin.

341
00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:56,930
Don't take too long on it.

342
00:22:57,470 --> 00:23:00,030
I know a better way of spending the
afternoon.

343
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:43,700
A new set of ribs.

344
00:24:36,620 --> 00:24:41,060
This calls for the ultimate deterrent.
When I invented it, I hoped it would

345
00:24:41,060 --> 00:24:42,460
never be used, but needs must.

346
00:24:42,660 --> 00:24:43,660
Bring it here.

347
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,360
What did it work a lot?

348
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:51,260
Well, it had magic properties.

349
00:24:52,260 --> 00:24:55,460
I know not what, but it worketh. Thank
you.

350
00:24:56,540 --> 00:24:58,300
Verily, thou hast a strange -looking
weapon.

351
00:24:58,540 --> 00:24:59,540
You speak for yourself.

352
00:25:00,100 --> 00:25:01,100
What does it do?

353
00:25:01,260 --> 00:25:02,300
It has strong...

354
00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:06,480
all to the jokes.

355
00:26:53,710 --> 00:26:56,830
At least my mother never used to have
fell winkles in Whitehall.

356
00:26:57,090 --> 00:26:59,270
My mother was a lady in waiting.

357
00:26:59,570 --> 00:27:00,730
You mean she used to hang around?

358
00:27:01,070 --> 00:27:05,010
Oh, I admit they named a coin after her.
They used to call her the Frugly Bit.

359
00:27:05,210 --> 00:27:08,630
Come back here. In a moment, I'm going
to forget that I'm a lady.

360
00:27:08,930 --> 00:27:09,689
Why not?

361
00:27:09,690 --> 00:27:10,710
Everyone else has.

362
00:27:14,710 --> 00:27:19,810
Correct me if I'm wrong, but the rules
of chivalry demand that only a knight

363
00:27:19,810 --> 00:27:22,470
enter the risk to do combat with his
peers. Is that not so?

364
00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:23,879
That is so.

365
00:27:23,880 --> 00:27:28,140
Then the victory is mine. And I claim my
prize.

366
00:27:32,900 --> 00:27:34,080
Narchalot, help me.

367
00:27:34,340 --> 00:27:35,560
Out of my way, sir.

368
00:27:36,780 --> 00:27:38,240
Unhand that maiden. Never.

369
00:28:33,610 --> 00:28:34,610
It's the best offer I've had today.

370
00:28:35,470 --> 00:28:36,870
Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

371
00:28:38,550 --> 00:28:39,770
Now, get your clothes off.

372
00:28:41,490 --> 00:28:43,050
But we haven't got time.

373
00:28:43,350 --> 00:28:46,290
Look, my name's Lurk a lot, not Like a
lot. Now, get them off.

374
00:28:46,730 --> 00:28:48,190
How about you, darling?

375
00:28:48,910 --> 00:28:50,170
One more time.

376
00:28:50,650 --> 00:28:51,650
Dirty musicians.

377
00:28:51,770 --> 00:28:52,770
Come on, hurry.

378
00:28:52,810 --> 00:28:57,810
Here they come.

379
00:28:58,150 --> 00:28:59,150
Charge!

380
00:29:00,650 --> 00:29:01,650
Oh, no.

381
00:29:01,970 --> 00:29:03,170
Everyone's seen that gag.

382
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:05,360
Haven't you?

383
00:29:53,610 --> 00:29:55,150
She's been in more bed than the
croakers.

384
00:29:55,490 --> 00:29:58,710
And to think that villain will have his
way with her.

385
00:29:59,070 --> 00:30:02,670
He may try, sir, but I doubt he'll
succeed.

386
00:30:03,130 --> 00:30:04,130
What do you mean?

387
00:30:06,150 --> 00:30:12,550
Not... Yes, my latest model. The Knicker
Locker Glory Mark III.

388
00:30:46,930 --> 00:30:48,030
Chastity belt.

389
00:30:48,350 --> 00:30:54,210
The little bitch is wearing a chastity
belt. This means war.

390
00:30:54,850 --> 00:30:57,250
All right, men. Now let's fight again.

391
00:30:57,730 --> 00:30:59,470
Get ready to fire.

392
00:31:00,030 --> 00:31:02,890
Let me see.

393
00:31:03,670 --> 00:31:05,310
Do you have a here?

394
00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:11,100
Squirrel. Your arrow's in the wrong way.

395
00:31:11,340 --> 00:31:13,240
Unless you're intended to commit
suicide.

396
00:31:14,100 --> 00:31:16,540
Which, in your case, I thoroughly
recommend.

397
00:31:17,600 --> 00:31:18,600
Right.

398
00:31:19,380 --> 00:31:21,380
Now, let's fight again.

399
00:31:22,000 --> 00:31:23,000
Ready?

400
00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:24,800
Fire!

401
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:27,440
Very good.

402
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:28,560
Very good.

403
00:31:28,660 --> 00:31:31,640
Excellent. We should annihilate them.

404
00:31:32,100 --> 00:31:34,460
Provide they attack us on their hands
and knees.

405
00:31:34,900 --> 00:31:36,060
Oh, what a shower.

406
00:31:36,810 --> 00:31:38,310
No wonder we lost the Battle of
Hastings.

407
00:31:38,650 --> 00:31:39,690
God help us.

408
00:31:44,410 --> 00:31:46,110
What's holding us up? Why don't we
attack?

409
00:31:46,490 --> 00:31:50,770
It's the braggart, my lord. He still has
30 more locksmiths to see.

410
00:31:56,950 --> 00:32:00,450
Well, in all my days, I have never
encountered such a lock.

411
00:32:00,730 --> 00:32:02,770
I simply cannot fathom its construction.

412
00:32:05,610 --> 00:32:06,610
But it was fun trying.

413
00:32:06,930 --> 00:32:08,390
On your way, scoundrel.

414
00:32:08,890 --> 00:32:10,330
Next. My lord.

415
00:32:10,650 --> 00:32:11,629
Are you a locksmith?

416
00:32:11,630 --> 00:32:15,850
No, my lord. I'm Chopper the Woodsman. I
have no need for woodsmen.

417
00:32:17,270 --> 00:32:18,270
That's a bracket.

418
00:32:18,990 --> 00:32:20,850
I know who has the keys that you seek.

419
00:32:21,950 --> 00:32:22,950
What?

420
00:32:23,370 --> 00:32:24,370
Look at this.

421
00:32:25,190 --> 00:32:27,330
He wears on a chain around his neck.

422
00:32:28,350 --> 00:32:29,350
To hop.

423
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:52,180
picked a fine time to get religious.

424
00:33:52,540 --> 00:33:54,500
Oh, don't worry, dear.

425
00:33:54,700 --> 00:33:57,100
He won't be long. That isn't why I'm
crying.

426
00:33:57,460 --> 00:34:00,900
Why? What did he do to me before he
left? Oh, dear.

427
00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,240
Talk about locking the stable door after
the horse.

428
00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:05,600
It's not fair.

429
00:34:05,820 --> 00:34:10,699
It made me wait for years. I'm a
passionate woman. Are you? I think I may

430
00:34:10,699 --> 00:34:11,699
myself into the boat.

431
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:13,239
Well, you can't do that. You might sink.

432
00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:16,020
Now, don't worry. What's he done with
the key? There is...

433
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:23,440
He's used my latest invention.

434
00:34:24,020 --> 00:34:25,880
Now, you'll never get it out without the
number.

435
00:34:26,120 --> 00:34:27,699
I don't know the number.

436
00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:30,980
It's 85923419.

437
00:34:32,560 --> 00:34:34,040
She loves those who've got a full house.

438
00:34:35,980 --> 00:34:39,260
It's a pleasure to see you. I must go.
Otherwise, I fear may put me on the

439
00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:50,219
Lady Ashton, by default of your
husband's army in battle, I reclaim to

440
00:34:51,469 --> 00:34:58,390
castle and everything that's in it and i
suppose you intend to embark on an

441
00:34:58,390 --> 00:35:04,050
orgy of looting and raping of helpless
women i hadn't planned on it what a pity

442
00:35:04,050 --> 00:35:09,810
first of all i want that surf of yours
lurk a lot oh well to eat his own i

443
00:35:09,810 --> 00:35:12,970
suppose search the castle he must be
found

444
00:35:49,580 --> 00:35:51,200
Oh, Trudy came to me during the night.

445
00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,680
This is a charity matinee.

446
00:35:54,620 --> 00:35:56,800
That's all we need, a funny fairy.

447
00:35:57,340 --> 00:36:01,260
Now, listen to me, Luckalot. You must
fly, fly to the Holy Land.

448
00:36:01,500 --> 00:36:05,620
There you must seek out King Richard the
Lionheart and bring him back to

449
00:36:05,620 --> 00:36:06,620
England.

450
00:36:06,700 --> 00:36:08,180
Yes. Bring it on, then.

451
00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:09,480
Mrs.

452
00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:12,380
Oh, she's gone.

453
00:36:13,280 --> 00:36:14,280
Smash it down.

454
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,640
Enemy territory.

455
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:07,680
Wait!

456
00:37:14,120 --> 00:37:14,800
What

457
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:21,900
a

458
00:37:21,900 --> 00:37:22,900
way to start a journey.

459
00:37:28,060 --> 00:37:32,980
That was Winifred the Goatherd, better
known as Winifred the Goatherd.

460
00:37:54,700 --> 00:37:56,400
You're a very vocal local yokel.

461
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:58,420
Could you tell me the way to the hotel?

462
00:38:24,680 --> 00:38:25,680
fucker.

463
00:39:04,970 --> 00:39:05,970
in the film?

464
00:39:53,450 --> 00:39:54,189
Hello, Johnny.

465
00:39:54,190 --> 00:39:56,630
You want to meet my sister? Lovely girl.

466
00:39:56,870 --> 00:40:00,770
Two ackers. No, thank you. I'm ackered
enough as it is.

467
00:40:07,510 --> 00:40:13,650
The Crusaders' arms.

468
00:40:14,850 --> 00:40:18,330
I suppose this is where the Crusaders
come after their bloody battles with the

469
00:40:18,330 --> 00:40:19,330
Saracens.

470
00:40:44,840 --> 00:40:46,200
It's not like the pumps back home.

471
00:40:46,800 --> 00:40:47,800
Look at that.

472
00:40:47,920 --> 00:40:49,560
Not a dartboard in sight.

473
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:55,720
Can I get you anything?

474
00:40:56,060 --> 00:40:58,180
Yes, a half a bitter, please, and a
scotch egg.

475
00:40:58,480 --> 00:40:59,760
A scotch egg?

476
00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:01,700
Yes, a scotch egg.

477
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:03,260
Thank you. Do you mind?

478
00:41:03,500 --> 00:41:05,140
No. Dateline, Holy Land.

479
00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:09,040
Welcome to Jerusalem, where the battle
entered its 60th bloody day.

480
00:41:09,620 --> 00:41:10,840
As I write...

481
00:41:11,150 --> 00:41:15,910
20 ,000 screaming Saracens surround the
camp of Richard Colonel Leon, and all

482
00:41:15,910 --> 00:41:18,070
around is slaughter and carnage.

483
00:41:18,330 --> 00:41:20,390
No, dear, carnage, not carnal.

484
00:41:21,290 --> 00:41:26,390
Not 20 yards from where I'm hiding,
innocent women are being ravished in

485
00:41:26,390 --> 00:41:31,730
hundreds. The noise of the battle is
deafening, and from here I can hear the

486
00:41:31,730 --> 00:41:33,070
groans of the dying.

487
00:41:38,590 --> 00:41:40,210
What a way to go.

488
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:41,880
Copy.

489
00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,820
I want that to be in Fleet Street by
February.

490
00:41:47,440 --> 00:41:50,760
What a lovely war.

491
00:42:04,140 --> 00:42:05,260
Sick Howard.

492
00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:06,399
It's a lie.

493
00:42:06,400 --> 00:42:08,260
These ladies are just good friends.

494
00:42:08,500 --> 00:42:09,940
It's me, Nakalot.

495
00:42:10,300 --> 00:42:11,300
So it is.

496
00:42:11,500 --> 00:42:12,840
Well, well, well.

497
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:17,660
Welcome to the Crusades, my dear chaps.
Thank you. Pull up a girl and sit down.

498
00:42:17,840 --> 00:42:19,040
How's Custer's castle?

499
00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:21,400
A braggart in residence now.

500
00:42:21,780 --> 00:42:24,940
How's my wife taking it? Oh, quite
regularly, I believe.

501
00:42:25,220 --> 00:42:28,720
But, sir, sir, shouldn't you be outside
fighting the Saracens?

502
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:32,720
Fighting? Good heavens, no. You don't
think I had a club I had to fight, do

503
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:34,660
I must say, it did surprise me at the
time.

504
00:42:35,230 --> 00:42:38,830
Oh, no, no. Nobody fights in the
Crusades. That's just what we tell them

505
00:42:38,830 --> 00:42:40,810
home. Otherwise, they wouldn't let us
come.

506
00:42:41,170 --> 00:42:42,630
You mean it's almost like this?

507
00:42:42,850 --> 00:42:46,410
Oh, yes. It's just an excuse to get away
from home for a few years.

508
00:42:48,030 --> 00:42:51,630
Make love, not war, little autumn.

509
00:42:52,710 --> 00:42:54,090
I didn't know you could do either.

510
00:42:55,270 --> 00:42:56,270
See what I mean?

511
00:42:56,510 --> 00:43:00,690
All we want here is a little love and a
little peace.

512
00:43:02,510 --> 00:43:04,590
You've got some right little pieces
here, haven't you?

513
00:43:10,550 --> 00:43:16,270
What about the, you know, the leader of
the Saracens? The arch -villain? The

514
00:43:16,270 --> 00:43:17,550
scourge of Christendom?

515
00:43:17,950 --> 00:43:21,870
Saladin is a crusader's friend. He's the
one who organizes all this.

516
00:43:22,090 --> 00:43:23,390
Oh, not the nappy.

517
00:43:24,470 --> 00:43:25,890
And what's this?

518
00:43:26,090 --> 00:43:27,049
A spare teeth?

519
00:43:27,050 --> 00:43:29,250
Try. You would like it. If you insist.

520
00:43:37,100 --> 00:43:38,620
Not as good as dandelion leaves, too.

521
00:43:38,900 --> 00:43:39,900
Makes a change.

522
00:43:43,080 --> 00:43:44,080
Hi, folks!

523
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:45,600
Everybody happy?

524
00:43:47,300 --> 00:43:49,060
Hi, there comes the baby!

525
00:43:49,560 --> 00:43:53,780
Ah, there you are. Look -a -lot, Pete
Saladin. Sal, this is a friend of mine

526
00:43:53,780 --> 00:43:54,638
from England.

527
00:43:54,640 --> 00:43:58,380
What do you say, man? Great to have you
with us. Say, you with a tour, or do you

528
00:43:58,380 --> 00:43:59,380
make it here on your own?

529
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:01,320
Super, makes no difference.

530
00:44:01,660 --> 00:44:02,760
Enjoy yourself.

531
00:44:03,100 --> 00:44:04,120
Forget everything.

532
00:44:05,200 --> 00:44:06,260
Forget everything?

533
00:44:07,990 --> 00:44:12,390
everything. I've come all the way from
England on a very important mission.

534
00:44:12,490 --> 00:44:14,730
Mission? What mission, man? Mission.

535
00:44:15,870 --> 00:44:18,050
I don't know.

536
00:44:18,890 --> 00:44:19,890
I forgot.

537
00:44:20,170 --> 00:44:22,270
That's it, man. Freak out, baby.

538
00:44:23,630 --> 00:44:25,310
Peace and love, man.

539
00:44:25,730 --> 00:44:27,050
Peace and love.

540
00:44:27,550 --> 00:44:28,550
Beautiful.

541
00:44:29,510 --> 00:44:31,110
Go to it, mama.

542
00:44:32,530 --> 00:44:33,610
Excuse me.

543
00:44:34,230 --> 00:44:37,090
Yes? Can I do anything for you?

544
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:38,800
Yes.

545
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:44,840
Cancel that scotch egg.

546
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:53,040
Lurk a lot?

547
00:44:55,140 --> 00:44:56,140
Lurk a lot?

548
00:44:58,960 --> 00:44:59,960
Voices.

549
00:45:00,700 --> 00:45:01,700
Hello, voices.

550
00:45:02,160 --> 00:45:04,300
Have you followed me all the way from
England?

551
00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:06,460
No, I'm shouting.

552
00:45:08,360 --> 00:45:09,780
You can never win with her, can you?

553
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:12,140
Have you forgotten your mission?

554
00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:14,260
Her? Her mission?

555
00:45:14,520 --> 00:45:15,520
Yes, the mission.

556
00:45:16,440 --> 00:45:17,900
Peace and love.

557
00:45:18,320 --> 00:45:19,980
Get off. Go on, get off.

558
00:45:20,520 --> 00:45:22,080
I want to find King Richard.

559
00:45:38,600 --> 00:45:39,600
What do you say, ma 'am?

560
00:45:39,680 --> 00:45:42,420
I said, where is King Richard?

561
00:45:42,660 --> 00:45:43,558
King Richard?

562
00:45:43,560 --> 00:45:46,060
Oh, that Richard baby. Yes. Oh, he
split, ma 'am.

563
00:45:46,320 --> 00:45:49,020
Not in twain. Oh, no, no, no. He went.
He went?

564
00:45:49,420 --> 00:45:50,420
Went where?

565
00:45:50,840 --> 00:45:51,840
On a trip.

566
00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:53,480
But where? Look.

567
00:45:53,880 --> 00:45:55,540
Where did he go?

568
00:45:55,920 --> 00:45:57,320
Oh, in his tent, ma 'am. Next door.

569
00:45:57,640 --> 00:46:02,460
What's he talking about? Has anyone seen
King Richard lately?

570
00:46:02,920 --> 00:46:05,540
Ah, well, somebody goes in every day to
change the girls.

571
00:46:05,880 --> 00:46:06,880
The girls?

572
00:46:07,080 --> 00:46:08,080
Every day.

573
00:46:09,290 --> 00:46:12,250
Oh, his heart isn't the only thing
that's like a lion's. Oh, you can say

574
00:46:12,250 --> 00:46:14,510
again, man. He's insatiable. Is he?

575
00:46:14,750 --> 00:46:17,070
Right now, he's turned on with some
chick from Kathmandu.

576
00:46:21,230 --> 00:46:28,230
Was that

577
00:46:28,230 --> 00:46:29,970
to your satisfaction, Your Majesty?

578
00:46:31,190 --> 00:46:32,610
Yes, not bad.

579
00:46:33,070 --> 00:46:34,070
Thank you.

580
00:46:34,950 --> 00:46:36,450
It passes an hour.

581
00:46:38,540 --> 00:46:39,540
What shall we do now?

582
00:46:40,180 --> 00:46:42,960
Would you like your tea?

583
00:46:43,460 --> 00:46:45,000
No, later.

584
00:46:46,980 --> 00:46:49,160
Perhaps we might attend the next one.

585
00:47:09,910 --> 00:47:14,450
Sutra. For those of you who don't know
what that is, let me describe it.

586
00:47:16,050 --> 00:47:22,670
It's a book about... Well, it describes,
you see, how to, you know,

587
00:47:22,710 --> 00:47:29,150
if... It's a guidebook to the various...
It's a sort of Mrs.

588
00:47:29,250 --> 00:47:31,050
Beaton for sex maniacs.

589
00:47:31,390 --> 00:47:32,430
It's a good read.

590
00:47:32,790 --> 00:47:36,990
Like a whodunit, really. To who and
where and when.

591
00:47:37,840 --> 00:47:39,140
And with what?

592
00:47:39,480 --> 00:47:41,120
Here's one we haven't tried.

593
00:47:41,760 --> 00:47:42,760
That one?

594
00:47:45,320 --> 00:47:46,560
But that's impossible.

595
00:47:49,220 --> 00:47:50,220
How is it?

596
00:47:50,320 --> 00:47:51,960
Darling, you know what they say.

597
00:47:52,260 --> 00:47:54,180
Don't knock it until you've tried it.

598
00:47:55,000 --> 00:47:59,720
Now, first you put your two knees close
up tight.

599
00:48:00,020 --> 00:48:04,180
You swing them to the left, then you
swing them to the right.

600
00:48:04,440 --> 00:48:06,200
Who translated this?

601
00:48:07,980 --> 00:48:11,940
Repeat four times and... Well,

602
00:48:14,000 --> 00:48:15,860
my lord, shall we try it?

603
00:48:16,640 --> 00:48:20,400
But first, let's turn the lights down.

604
00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:21,760
As you wish.

605
00:48:26,980 --> 00:48:29,160
Shall we start, my lord?

606
00:49:01,580 --> 00:49:02,640
It's all in the instructions.

607
00:49:06,860 --> 00:49:08,320
I don't believe it.

608
00:49:08,580 --> 00:49:09,580
It's impossible.

609
00:49:11,940 --> 00:49:12,940
There must be two.

610
00:49:34,250 --> 00:49:35,870
What a handsome -looking man.

611
00:49:41,750 --> 00:49:42,750
It's a coward.

612
00:49:43,410 --> 00:49:44,450
This is serious.

613
00:49:44,790 --> 00:49:46,890
The king must return to England.

614
00:49:47,290 --> 00:49:50,730
Why? Well, he hasn't been home for 15
years. It's not good enough.

615
00:49:50,990 --> 00:49:55,150
Well, go and tell him. But I can't get
in to see him. He's been shacked up with

616
00:49:55,150 --> 00:49:56,950
a Turkish bent for three weeks.

617
00:49:57,470 --> 00:50:01,110
You see, he won't come out. He's got the
Kama Sutra in there. He's up to page

618
00:50:01,110 --> 00:50:02,170
22, that's all.

619
00:50:02,430 --> 00:50:03,430
He'll be months yet.

620
00:50:03,570 --> 00:50:04,650
You'll never get him away from here.

621
00:50:04,930 --> 00:50:07,370
Not with all these beautiful girls
about.

622
00:50:08,030 --> 00:50:09,030
Beautiful girls?

623
00:50:09,250 --> 00:50:12,050
No. The only thing is to cut off his
supply.

624
00:50:12,610 --> 00:50:13,670
How? How?

625
00:50:14,270 --> 00:50:16,090
Oh, I'll tell you. Now, listen, listen.

626
00:50:16,630 --> 00:50:20,850
You are to collect all the swords and
armour you can, you see. All the metal.

627
00:50:20,950 --> 00:50:22,290
And take it down to the blacksmith.

628
00:51:19,050 --> 00:51:20,950
Excuse me. Are you the blacksmith?

629
00:51:21,230 --> 00:51:22,230
Are you kidding?

630
00:51:22,310 --> 00:51:27,510
Well, now, Mr. Smith, I bring you
fraternal greetings from the Nottingham

631
00:51:27,510 --> 00:51:30,930
of the Amalgamated Sheet Metal Workers'
Union.

632
00:51:31,670 --> 00:51:32,670
Greetings, brother.

633
00:51:32,870 --> 00:51:33,870
Greetings.

634
00:51:34,290 --> 00:51:36,430
We're all right. He's a mason. Good.

635
00:51:36,690 --> 00:51:37,890
What can I do for you, man?

636
00:51:38,610 --> 00:51:42,050
Well, I wonder if we might have the use
of your equipment.

637
00:51:42,710 --> 00:51:46,870
I beg your pardon? Your tongs and your
bellows. Ah. Ah.

638
00:51:47,700 --> 00:51:48,820
Yes, sure. Help yourself.

639
00:51:49,040 --> 00:51:52,860
Thank you. You're most kind. I hope
you'll attend one of our ladies' nights

640
00:51:52,860 --> 00:51:54,320
sometime. Come on, let's get started.

641
00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:55,900
Thank you. Pardon me.

642
00:52:08,760 --> 00:52:09,760
Well,

643
00:52:10,980 --> 00:52:12,460
that's that.

644
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:17,320
Operation Rumpo Stop is about to
commence.

645
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:24,100
And so, in addressing this first meeting
of the Holy Land

646
00:52:24,100 --> 00:52:30,540
Women Liberation Movement, I must
impress upon you the need for we girls

647
00:52:30,540 --> 00:52:36,300
to rebel against these coarse men. They
have dominated us for far too long.

648
00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:41,260
Yes, they have abused us and misused us
for centuries.

649
00:52:42,200 --> 00:52:43,200
Hear, hear.

650
00:52:43,660 --> 00:52:45,980
Here he is. Thank you, Fratty Titimar.

651
00:52:46,280 --> 00:52:52,560
Now, we demand equality in all spheres.
And until we get it, neither

652
00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:57,080
will they. And so, girls, do not forget
our motto.

653
00:52:57,900 --> 00:53:00,540
Look up and lock up.

654
00:53:01,060 --> 00:53:04,060
Now, Fratty Titimar, dish out the belts.

655
00:53:06,840 --> 00:53:07,980
Thank you, dear.

656
00:53:08,200 --> 00:53:11,200
Take care not to scratch yourselves,
won't you? There.

657
00:53:13,160 --> 00:53:17,640
If I catch those two old bags who put my
girls up to this, I shall burst them.

658
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:19,880
Ready, sire?

659
00:53:20,140 --> 00:53:23,340
Of course I'm ready. Are you coming with
us, Sir Custard?

660
00:53:23,620 --> 00:53:25,780
No, I think I'll hang around for a bit.

661
00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:27,280
What bit?

662
00:53:27,340 --> 00:53:30,560
Where? Where? Oh, for goodness sake,
don't start him off again.

663
00:53:30,780 --> 00:53:33,060
Come, sire, let us make haste for
England.

664
00:53:33,400 --> 00:53:34,560
Oh, very well.

665
00:54:00,780 --> 00:54:02,380
Won't those horses go any faster?

666
00:54:02,740 --> 00:54:06,460
Bullocks. How dare you address your king
like that?

667
00:54:06,860 --> 00:54:09,060
Oh, dear, why must I go back to England
anyway?

668
00:54:09,860 --> 00:54:14,080
Because you're the king, that's why. But
I haven't been in England for years.

669
00:54:14,380 --> 00:54:18,100
I don't suppose they'll remember me. If
I go back there now and say I'm your

670
00:54:18,100 --> 00:54:21,240
king, I most likely will be stoned.

671
00:54:21,740 --> 00:54:23,840
You couldn't be more stoned than you are
now.

672
00:54:24,780 --> 00:54:26,180
Well, where are we anyway?

673
00:54:26,540 --> 00:54:30,760
We're passing through a country called
Germany, my liege. Germany?

674
00:54:31,020 --> 00:54:34,940
Oh, let's see. Who do I know in Germany?

675
00:54:36,600 --> 00:54:43,560
Lottie, Brunnhilde, Gretel, Karen, Fumf.
Oh, Fumf, Bad Oderstrasse,

676
00:54:43,620 --> 00:54:45,800
Hamburg. Crumpet Madius.

677
00:54:46,060 --> 00:54:47,680
It's taken us a year to get this far.

678
00:54:49,420 --> 00:54:53,440
I say, there's rather a tasty bit.

679
00:54:53,940 --> 00:54:55,840
As I was saying, my...

680
00:54:56,060 --> 00:54:59,700
problem is this, you see, I don't know
who I really am. And as soon as I set

681
00:54:59,700 --> 00:55:05,460
eyes on you, I thought, good heavens,
there's a definite resemblance there.

682
00:55:05,800 --> 00:55:07,800
We're alike as two peas in a pod.

683
00:55:08,160 --> 00:55:09,160
Don't you agree?

684
00:55:10,060 --> 00:55:12,800
Hello? The other pea has peed off.

685
00:55:22,380 --> 00:55:25,420
Oh, no.

686
00:55:26,010 --> 00:55:27,450
He can't. He'll kill himself.

687
00:55:29,270 --> 00:55:30,630
Excuse me. Oh.

688
00:55:31,810 --> 00:55:33,690
Oi, King Richard.

689
00:55:34,250 --> 00:55:35,250
Come out.

690
00:55:35,350 --> 00:55:36,470
I know you're in there.

691
00:55:36,830 --> 00:55:38,490
Oh, thank you so much.

692
00:55:39,210 --> 00:55:43,050
King Richard, come on. Leave that
peasant alone.

693
00:55:43,530 --> 00:55:44,990
Who is out there?

694
00:55:45,430 --> 00:55:48,910
It's lurk a lot. And this is no time to
go surf riding.

695
00:55:50,490 --> 00:55:53,130
Go away. I am busy.

696
00:55:53,430 --> 00:55:55,190
You've got to come home to England.

697
00:55:55,790 --> 00:55:57,650
I won't. Thou wilt.

698
00:55:58,650 --> 00:56:01,370
Mind you, after all that crumpet, anyone
would wilt.

699
00:56:01,850 --> 00:56:04,490
You are the king. England needs you.

700
00:56:04,730 --> 00:56:07,150
Look, you think you look like me?

701
00:56:08,050 --> 00:56:09,650
You wear the crown.

702
00:56:27,370 --> 00:56:29,030
She's crazy about it.

703
00:56:31,850 --> 00:56:33,590
Seven and three -eighths.

704
00:56:34,030 --> 00:56:35,490
Just my size.

705
00:56:35,870 --> 00:56:37,030
It's an omen.

706
00:56:39,890 --> 00:56:42,150
Cry God for England.

707
00:56:42,690 --> 00:56:43,890
St. George.

708
00:56:44,270 --> 00:56:46,550
And above all, luck alone.

709
00:57:09,720 --> 00:57:13,800
That's me, sir. 24 -hour service, head
office, 31 Horsham, Venison Yard,

710
00:57:13,960 --> 00:57:15,020
I can read.

711
00:57:15,340 --> 00:57:16,480
Of course you can, sir.

712
00:57:16,940 --> 00:57:17,940
It's all in here, sir.

713
00:57:18,560 --> 00:57:19,620
Have tools, we'll travel.

714
00:57:19,900 --> 00:57:20,900
Like a plumber, sir.

715
00:57:21,040 --> 00:57:21,999
Always on tap.

716
00:57:22,000 --> 00:57:23,000
Always on tap.

717
00:57:23,260 --> 00:57:24,720
I'm in no mood for jollity.

718
00:57:25,480 --> 00:57:30,760
This is an extremely complex problem,
Master Locksmith. Don't you worry, sir.

719
00:57:30,860 --> 00:57:33,300
The lock has not been made what Nick the
Pick cannot lick.

720
00:57:34,060 --> 00:57:37,040
Now, what was it you wanted done, sir?
Was it a drawbridge, a portcullis, a

721
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:38,900
cupboard? Is it a chest you want opened?

722
00:57:39,480 --> 00:57:42,760
It's a bit lower than that. Lower than
that, sir. A chastity belt.

723
00:57:43,560 --> 00:57:44,700
Hello, hello, hello.

724
00:57:44,920 --> 00:57:48,960
It's a good start for a Monday morning,
you saucy old sex. To me, hey!

725
00:57:49,360 --> 00:57:53,380
If you so much as cast a glance on the
fair face of the lady, it'll be out of

726
00:57:53,380 --> 00:57:56,420
your eyes, gouged out with red -hot
firebrand.

727
00:57:56,660 --> 00:57:57,660
Have no fear, sir.

728
00:57:58,020 --> 00:58:00,700
I never look at the mantelpiece when I'm
poking the fire.

729
00:58:02,040 --> 00:58:05,380
This won't take long, sir. Now, where is
the unfortunate young lady?

730
00:58:06,200 --> 00:58:07,038
Out here.

731
00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:09,990
Don't you worry, sir. I've never failed
a customer yet. My dear, the last

732
00:58:09,990 --> 00:58:12,730
chestnut you bought I had was all
covered in big dents all down the front.

733
00:58:12,730 --> 00:58:15,530
thought to myself, hello, someone's been
having a go at this with every blunt

734
00:58:15,530 --> 00:58:18,670
instrument. But I got it open, sir,
don't you worry. I've never failed a

735
00:58:18,670 --> 00:58:20,330
customer yet. Never failed a customer
yet.

736
00:58:20,670 --> 00:58:21,670
Oh, wait.

737
00:58:22,590 --> 00:58:25,410
Cover yourself, woman. The locksmith is
here.

738
00:58:25,790 --> 00:58:27,530
Ah, there she is.

739
00:58:28,030 --> 00:58:30,410
And a thousand crowns if you succeed.

740
00:58:31,050 --> 00:58:31,968
Loving to it.

741
00:58:31,970 --> 00:58:36,170
Good morning, madam. Lovely morning.
Might I be permitted to view the

742
00:58:36,170 --> 00:58:37,170
article? No.

743
00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:38,538
Show him.

744
00:58:38,540 --> 00:58:40,340
Don't worry, my dear. I'm happily
married, man.

745
00:58:40,600 --> 00:58:42,580
I'm not going to see anything here I
haven't seen before, am I?

746
00:58:43,220 --> 00:58:44,220
Won't affect me at all.

747
00:58:45,140 --> 00:58:46,140
Well,

748
00:58:46,340 --> 00:58:48,100
what do you think?

749
00:58:48,360 --> 00:58:49,360
What?

750
00:58:50,560 --> 00:58:54,520
Oh, you mean the... Ah, damn, boy, no
trouble at all, is it? No trouble at

751
00:58:54,940 --> 00:58:55,940
Everything's in here?

752
00:58:56,260 --> 00:58:57,700
Every tool known to mankind.

753
00:58:59,380 --> 00:59:00,380
We'll have it off in a minute.

754
00:59:01,320 --> 00:59:02,400
Oh, good to pass.

755
00:59:03,999 --> 00:59:07,400
You idiot. Hurry up, man. Yes, sir. Get
it off. All right, sir.

756
00:59:08,700 --> 00:59:09,700
And it?

757
00:59:10,080 --> 00:59:11,080
It's locked.

758
00:59:12,280 --> 00:59:13,280
Can't be too careful.

759
00:59:14,940 --> 00:59:15,940
Come on, man.

760
00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:20,460
Hurry up.

761
00:59:23,160 --> 00:59:25,100
Have you got a knife, sir?

762
00:59:25,500 --> 00:59:26,500
Hurry up.

763
00:59:30,800 --> 00:59:32,520
Don't you worry once we get this open,
sir.

764
00:59:33,040 --> 00:59:34,040
We're away.

765
00:59:36,280 --> 00:59:38,180
It's all right, sir. It won't be long
now.

766
00:59:39,100 --> 00:59:40,880
There's not a lock in the land, I can't
open.

767
00:59:42,160 --> 00:59:43,320
Come and borrow your sword, sir.

768
00:59:45,740 --> 00:59:47,060
Ah, that's more like it.

769
00:59:47,420 --> 00:59:48,560
I don't know if it's open now.

770
00:59:51,840 --> 00:59:52,840
Sorry,

771
00:59:53,300 --> 00:59:55,100
sir. I seem to have broken your weapon.

772
00:59:55,760 --> 00:59:57,700
It was a big thing, sir, but don't
worry, sir.

773
00:59:57,900 --> 00:59:59,140
I'll get it open, sir. Don't worry.

774
01:00:05,360 --> 01:00:06,360
My lord!

775
01:00:07,360 --> 01:00:08,279
Who is it?

776
01:00:08,280 --> 01:00:09,280
What do you want?

777
01:00:09,300 --> 01:00:13,060
I bring brave tidings. It is said King
Richard the Lionheart has landed in

778
01:00:13,060 --> 01:00:15,400
England and with great speed is heading
this way.

779
01:00:15,840 --> 01:00:18,200
He expects to pass through Maidenhead
tonight.

780
01:00:18,560 --> 01:00:20,140
I've been trying to do that for weeks.

781
01:00:20,580 --> 01:00:22,500
Don't bother me with trifles.

782
01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:47,500
To rally the people.

783
01:00:57,220 --> 01:01:00,380
Well, I am back.

784
01:01:03,020 --> 01:01:04,980
It's me. I'm back.

785
01:01:06,320 --> 01:01:07,320
I'm awake.

786
01:01:07,780 --> 01:01:09,380
I have returned.

787
01:01:09,780 --> 01:01:10,780
Excuse me.

788
01:01:11,900 --> 01:01:13,400
Don't you recognize me?

789
01:01:13,740 --> 01:01:15,360
It's Richard.

790
01:01:18,160 --> 01:01:19,700
Now, let's see.

791
01:01:23,100 --> 01:01:29,680
This is your king. I have returned to
lead you out of bondage. And I ask for

792
01:01:29,680 --> 01:01:30,680
your allegiance.

793
01:01:31,220 --> 01:01:32,660
Are you a troublemaker?

794
01:01:32,980 --> 01:01:37,540
Are you a troublemaker? No, I was
just... Sit down. Shut up or I'll throw

795
01:01:37,540 --> 01:01:39,380
out. Ah, but... Sit down.

796
01:01:39,600 --> 01:01:46,160
Shut up. And take your rattle.

797
01:01:46,810 --> 01:01:47,810
Take your hat off.

798
01:01:48,010 --> 01:01:50,410
Hat. This is the crown.

799
01:01:50,830 --> 01:01:53,290
I don't care which pub you nicked it
from. Take it off.

800
01:01:54,210 --> 01:01:57,990
This will have you doubled up, this
will.

801
01:02:19,720 --> 01:02:23,000
Little Appelstrudel, your little Adolf
has returned home.

802
01:02:23,780 --> 01:02:24,860
Oh, I'm sorry.

803
01:02:25,300 --> 01:02:26,820
Oh, come in, Adolf.

804
01:02:29,820 --> 01:02:36,780
This is Sister Elowaz. We have been

805
01:02:36,780 --> 01:02:42,360
praying together for your safe return
from the crusade. Welcome home, my son.

806
01:02:44,140 --> 01:02:48,280
Now, if you will excuse me, I have my
little Liebfrau -Milch for five years.

807
01:02:48,400 --> 01:02:50,540
I understand.

808
01:02:51,020 --> 01:02:53,660
It must be very sad for you.

809
01:03:22,120 --> 01:03:24,700
He called himself the Lionheart. That's
right. Richard I.

810
01:03:25,160 --> 01:03:26,160
Yes.

811
01:03:26,260 --> 01:03:27,260
Oh, yes.

812
01:03:27,320 --> 01:03:30,940
You know, he was with me for quite a
time before he went to the Crusades.

813
01:03:30,940 --> 01:03:32,300
the one. That's you. Got it. That's him.

814
01:03:32,600 --> 01:03:37,380
Oh, I knew King Richard. The little fat
chap, you know, the little Jesus star.

815
01:03:37,480 --> 01:03:41,560
Yes. No, no, no. He was a very tall man.
He was very attractive.

816
01:03:41,880 --> 01:03:42,618
Excuse me.

817
01:03:42,620 --> 01:03:43,620
No.

818
01:03:43,940 --> 01:03:48,940
I beg your pardon, sir, Knight Crusader.
I am questing after my father, and I

819
01:03:48,940 --> 01:03:51,520
was wondering if you could possibly tell
me the way to the Holy Land.

820
01:03:51,930 --> 01:03:53,910
Certainly. Turn right at Bulgaria.

821
01:03:54,530 --> 01:03:56,090
I know it, that voice.

822
01:03:56,810 --> 01:03:58,310
Lercalot. I thought it was you.

823
01:03:58,530 --> 01:03:59,530
No, no.

824
01:03:59,670 --> 01:04:01,090
It's King Richard.

825
01:04:01,390 --> 01:04:03,730
Nonsense. You are Lercalot the Serf.

826
01:04:04,010 --> 01:04:05,070
Lercalot the Serf?

827
01:04:05,930 --> 01:04:06,990
Lercalot? Tissue.

828
01:04:07,290 --> 01:04:11,090
Tissue. I've left you. You escaped from
us at Custard Castle. Well, it won't

829
01:04:11,090 --> 01:04:11,908
happen again.

830
01:04:11,910 --> 01:04:13,610
Look, you are making a terrible mistake.

831
01:04:14,070 --> 01:04:15,150
Oh, no, we're not.

832
01:04:15,470 --> 01:04:17,590
Two hundred of us were there that day
and still he escaped.

833
01:04:17,930 --> 01:04:21,170
How escaped one from so many? Oh,
indeed. He flew like a bird.

834
01:04:21,410 --> 01:04:22,410
What?

835
01:04:22,860 --> 01:04:25,340
Nothing like him. The yellow blouse bag.

836
01:04:25,740 --> 01:04:27,220
He flew in the sky?

837
01:04:27,560 --> 01:04:32,280
Yeah, we all saw him. On great winds he
flew over our heads. Up, up and away.

838
01:04:32,740 --> 01:04:33,840
He's witchcraft.

839
01:04:34,220 --> 01:04:36,960
If this be true and a witch he is, then
he shall die for it. No, no, look,

840
01:04:37,060 --> 01:04:40,420
you've got it all wrong. I keep telling
you, I am Richard the Lionheart.

841
01:04:40,780 --> 01:04:43,780
All right, I know King Richard very
well. He's a little fat fella.

842
01:04:44,020 --> 01:04:46,660
A glass eye and a club foot. Shut up.

843
01:04:47,100 --> 01:04:49,460
Seize him. To the ducking well with him.
Make him confess.

844
01:04:49,680 --> 01:04:50,680
The ducking well.

845
01:04:59,500 --> 01:05:01,160
Will somebody hold my nose, please?

846
01:05:07,420 --> 01:05:14,040
Oh, dear.

847
01:05:14,740 --> 01:05:16,460
I thought you'd gone home for a minute.

848
01:05:16,680 --> 01:05:17,680
Look, lad.

849
01:05:17,800 --> 01:05:21,020
Confess thou that thou art a witch, and
thou shalt soon be warm and dry.

850
01:05:21,320 --> 01:05:22,320
All right, I confess.

851
01:05:22,660 --> 01:05:26,740
I am a witch. I am a witch. I am a
witch. And thou shalt be warm and dry.

852
01:05:27,040 --> 01:05:28,040
Oh, thank you.

853
01:05:28,740 --> 01:05:29,740
Burn him.

854
01:05:30,020 --> 01:05:35,420
Oh, blimey, you can't win, can you? Take
him to the stake. Don't bother, I'm a

855
01:05:35,420 --> 01:05:36,420
vegetarian.

856
01:05:40,160 --> 01:05:41,540
You'll have to draw me out first.

857
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:53,300
Come on, a pair of you.

858
01:05:53,580 --> 01:05:55,380
Let's sit down here. Out of the smoke.

859
01:05:56,980 --> 01:05:59,220
Here's a nice fat one. We might see a
bit of a blade.

860
01:05:59,600 --> 01:06:03,160
I hope so. That bloke last week kept
going out. What a way to go.

861
01:06:05,040 --> 01:06:06,220
Barbecued in my prime.

862
01:06:06,600 --> 01:06:08,340
Can I poke you in my stick? Here, sit
down.

863
01:06:08,700 --> 01:06:09,880
You won't come here again.

864
01:06:10,180 --> 01:06:11,480
Oh, fickle fate.

865
01:06:12,280 --> 01:06:15,420
One minute a king, next minute spare
ribs.

866
01:06:15,720 --> 01:06:17,280
Chestnut! Chestnut!

867
01:06:17,800 --> 01:06:19,880
Race chestnuts, 35 minutes!

868
01:06:20,280 --> 01:06:22,680
Pop it, or I'll melt all over you.

869
01:06:23,820 --> 01:06:25,660
So perish all witches.

870
01:06:41,040 --> 01:06:42,680
I must say you left it a bit late,
haven't you?

871
01:06:42,920 --> 01:06:47,340
Quick, before I go, tell me, who was I?
Never mind about that now.

872
01:06:47,980 --> 01:06:49,480
Fear not, you have friends.

873
01:06:49,820 --> 01:06:50,960
Help is on the way.

874
01:06:51,400 --> 01:06:52,400
Well, they'd better hurry up then.

875
01:06:52,660 --> 01:06:54,640
Nothing much you can do with two pounds
of dripping.

876
01:06:57,340 --> 01:06:59,420
This is terrible. The brushwood ain't
burning.

877
01:06:59,680 --> 01:07:01,000
Must be damp from the night's rain.

878
01:07:01,340 --> 01:07:02,960
It's him. He's still soaking wet.

879
01:07:03,620 --> 01:07:04,700
Leave him to me.

880
01:07:17,320 --> 01:07:18,720
One, two, three, go!

881
01:07:25,220 --> 01:07:28,660
You can't say you aren't getting your
money's worth.

882
01:07:33,940 --> 01:07:34,940
Robin,

883
01:07:43,300 --> 01:07:45,000
I cannot thank you enough.

884
01:07:45,770 --> 01:07:47,350
For your timely rescue.

885
01:07:47,730 --> 01:07:51,950
Oh, it's a pleasure, Ducky. We haven't
had such a giggle since we rolled the

886
01:07:51,950 --> 01:07:54,770
Sheriff of Nottingham in the cow
pasture, have we, lads? No.

887
01:07:56,050 --> 01:07:58,870
I suppose this is the Robin Hood.

888
01:07:59,770 --> 01:08:02,270
Well, Ducky, what do you think of our
camp?

889
01:08:02,650 --> 01:08:04,150
Oh, I think that's the word for it.

890
01:08:05,850 --> 01:08:06,850
Lovely.

891
01:08:07,670 --> 01:08:10,130
Blackalot. Aren't they magnificent in
their Lincoln green?

892
01:08:10,390 --> 01:08:12,970
They certainly are. It is a lovely
colour, isn't it?

893
01:08:13,730 --> 01:08:15,330
Designed them myself, you know. Did you?

894
01:08:15,530 --> 01:08:16,530
Oh, yes.

895
01:08:16,670 --> 01:08:21,069
Mind you, I prefer our winter outfits
best. Yes. Black leather. Oh.

896
01:08:21,490 --> 01:08:24,130
Cut very tight across the hips.

897
01:08:25,050 --> 01:08:26,729
Open thonging up the chest.

898
01:08:27,649 --> 01:08:28,770
Very boyish.

899
01:08:29,290 --> 01:08:31,710
Of course, we're not looking our best at
the moment.

900
01:08:31,930 --> 01:08:35,470
Lost most of our sequins. Oh, how
maddening.

901
01:08:36,170 --> 01:08:38,850
It's all this swinging through the
trees, you know. You swing?

902
01:08:39,170 --> 01:08:40,170
Oh, every night.

903
01:08:40,370 --> 01:08:41,370
Yeah, I guessed it.

904
01:08:41,930 --> 01:08:45,310
Now, are you sure you've had enough to
eat? There's oodles of ratatouille left.

905
01:08:45,529 --> 01:08:48,109
No, I've had oodles of oodles, thank
you.

906
01:08:48,529 --> 01:08:50,550
Beautifully cooked. Oh, that's Alan.

907
01:08:50,930 --> 01:08:53,609
Alice? No, Alan. Oh, Alan. Alan O'Dale.

908
01:08:54,069 --> 01:08:57,689
It's a bit limp -wristed when it comes
to the spices, but otherwise it's all

909
01:08:57,689 --> 01:09:00,810
right. Mr. Bellioni is out of this
world.

910
01:09:01,170 --> 01:09:02,170
Really?

911
01:09:04,200 --> 01:09:07,540
It's far too fattening. You have to
watch your figure, don't you? Well,

912
01:09:07,540 --> 01:09:09,580
I mean, these suits show everything.

913
01:09:09,920 --> 01:09:10,920
So I noticed.

914
01:09:12,100 --> 01:09:14,060
So I'll see. Here, mate, watch it.

915
01:09:14,300 --> 01:09:15,300
I'm sorry.

916
01:09:16,260 --> 01:09:20,220
Would you like to meet the rest of the
lads? Oh, you mean the boys in the band?

917
01:09:23,300 --> 01:09:24,899
That's Friar Tuck.

918
01:09:26,960 --> 01:09:29,180
He ministered to our spiritual needs.

919
01:09:29,420 --> 01:09:32,000
I must say, he looks a bit drab compared
to you.

920
01:09:32,300 --> 01:09:33,960
Oh, that's because he's religious, you
see.

921
01:09:34,439 --> 01:09:37,600
Mind you, you should see what he wears
underneath.

922
01:09:39,359 --> 01:09:40,460
He wouldn't dare.

923
01:09:43,080 --> 01:09:44,080
Outrageous!

924
01:09:45,080 --> 01:09:48,939
And that is Will Scarlet. Yes.

925
01:09:49,600 --> 01:09:51,640
They've named a fever after him, haven't
they?

926
01:09:53,120 --> 01:09:54,600
Oh, you look lovely, dear.

927
01:09:58,530 --> 01:10:00,750
Will insists on designing all his own
gear, you know.

928
01:10:01,290 --> 01:10:03,410
Silly boy, because he can be seen a mile
away.

929
01:10:03,730 --> 01:10:05,990
I'm surprised he doesn't get picked up
by the Norman soldiers.

930
01:10:06,450 --> 01:10:09,070
Oh, he does all the time. Why do you
think he wears it?

931
01:10:09,450 --> 01:10:10,650
Yeah, who's that one over there?

932
01:10:10,890 --> 01:10:12,270
That is little John.

933
01:10:12,570 --> 01:10:14,310
I must say, he doesn't look very little
to me.

934
01:10:14,650 --> 01:10:16,370
Robin! What is it, Much?

935
01:10:16,690 --> 01:10:20,430
Look! Look at that brute! If I attack
him down to my tights, I'll kill him. I

936
01:10:20,430 --> 01:10:22,690
really will. Right, all right, Much. You
are far too much.

937
01:10:23,250 --> 01:10:25,070
Take him off. I'll darn him for you.

938
01:10:29,680 --> 01:10:31,400
Oh, aren't they magnificent?

939
01:10:31,900 --> 01:10:34,780
You know, Locke, I must confess, I'm
bent on joining them.

940
01:10:35,120 --> 01:10:37,020
I've got a feeling you'll have to be.

941
01:10:45,440 --> 01:10:46,440
I'm back.

942
01:10:49,160 --> 01:10:50,160
It's me.

943
01:10:50,480 --> 01:10:51,480
I have returned.

944
01:10:52,980 --> 01:10:55,620
Well, don't you recognize me? It's
Richard the Lionheart.

945
01:10:56,140 --> 01:10:58,180
Hey, he's back again.

946
01:10:58,590 --> 01:11:00,290
He must be off his head. Let's get him.

947
01:11:00,890 --> 01:11:01,890
Gentlemen,

948
01:11:02,350 --> 01:11:04,650
thank you. I'm touched by your loyalty.

949
01:11:05,450 --> 01:11:12,350
And now, sir, where is

950
01:11:12,350 --> 01:11:13,209
that key?

951
01:11:13,210 --> 01:11:14,230
Key? What key?

952
01:11:14,490 --> 01:11:17,850
I don't know what you're talking about.
You know very well what I'm talking

953
01:11:17,850 --> 01:11:22,350
about. It hangs around your neck like a
chain. What do you think you're doing?

954
01:11:22,450 --> 01:11:24,890
Now, unhand my royal person.

955
01:11:25,450 --> 01:11:26,449
Where is it?

956
01:11:26,450 --> 01:11:30,940
What have you done with it? Look. You
obviously don't realize with whom you

957
01:11:30,940 --> 01:11:31,679
mucking about.

958
01:11:31,680 --> 01:11:32,940
I am a Richard.

959
01:11:33,460 --> 01:11:34,460
Richard who?

960
01:11:34,520 --> 01:11:37,060
No, not a Richard who. A Richard the
Lionheart.

961
01:11:39,480 --> 01:11:40,760
We agree. Tidy.

962
01:11:41,300 --> 01:11:44,520
It is said that King Richard the
Lionheart has joined Robin Hood and his

963
01:11:44,520 --> 01:11:47,180
men in Sherwood Forest and are planning
to attack the castle.

964
01:11:47,520 --> 01:11:51,660
All right. Double the guards on the
ramparts. No one must enter or leave the

965
01:11:51,660 --> 01:11:54,140
castle. This is ridiculous.

966
01:11:54,460 --> 01:11:57,400
How can Richard the Lionheart be in
Sherwood Forest?

967
01:11:58,220 --> 01:11:59,400
Take this surf away.

968
01:11:59,680 --> 01:12:00,760
Oh, dear.

969
01:12:00,980 --> 01:12:02,880
So's the right. I shall stay in bed.

970
01:12:04,540 --> 01:12:05,560
Oh, Robin.

971
01:12:05,860 --> 01:12:08,180
It must be lovely to live here in the
forest.

972
01:12:09,040 --> 01:12:13,480
You can keep it, ducky. I can't stand
it. Huh? No, it's this weather.

973
01:12:14,440 --> 01:12:16,480
I'm a martyr to the rheumatism. Are you?

974
01:12:16,720 --> 01:12:20,480
Yes. I mean, every time you put
something new on, down comes the rain.

975
01:12:21,300 --> 01:12:25,360
No, soon as Richard comes back, I'm
jacking it all in. I mean, my small

976
01:12:25,360 --> 01:12:26,400
has gone to rack and ruin.

977
01:12:26,960 --> 01:12:28,480
Well, I don't suppose it gets much use.

978
01:12:29,800 --> 01:12:35,080
Robin, I think it's marvellous the way
you rob the rich and give it to the

979
01:12:35,880 --> 01:12:37,580
You have to be joking.

980
01:12:37,920 --> 01:12:40,900
You don't? Of course we don't. Keep it
all ourselves.

981
01:12:41,340 --> 01:12:43,220
How do you think we get all this boner
drag?

982
01:12:43,520 --> 01:12:48,460
Doesn't country, you know. I hope you
won't misunderstand what I'm about to

983
01:12:48,640 --> 01:12:53,440
But you see, I always thought that you
and your merry men were more sort of...

984
01:12:53,440 --> 01:12:56,200
You see, and they're sort of...

985
01:12:57,250 --> 01:13:03,170
I always thought that you and Maid
Marian were... at it.

986
01:13:05,890 --> 01:13:07,510
You must be mad.

987
01:13:07,890 --> 01:13:08,890
Maid Marian?

988
01:13:08,990 --> 01:13:10,090
Have you ever met her?

989
01:13:10,370 --> 01:13:11,570
No, I haven't had that pleasure.

990
01:13:12,110 --> 01:13:13,110
Robin!

991
01:13:13,390 --> 01:13:18,530
Robin! Where are you? Over here, Petal.
What do you want?

992
01:13:19,310 --> 01:13:21,850
Five bleeding hours I've been riding.

993
01:13:22,310 --> 01:13:24,350
I've got something to tell you.

994
01:13:25,020 --> 01:13:30,320
Prince John's up at Nottingham Castle
and he's got a big shake on. The bloody

995
01:13:30,320 --> 01:13:34,260
king's back in the country, so you'd
better get your finger out and have a

996
01:13:34,440 --> 01:13:39,860
And who, pray, is this fragile wooden
nymph? This is the Maid Marian.

997
01:13:40,140 --> 01:13:41,140
Ah.

998
01:13:41,580 --> 01:13:43,620
Pardon? Maid Marian.

999
01:13:43,940 --> 01:13:45,500
That explains a lot of things.

1000
01:13:46,040 --> 01:13:48,120
Well, you can't really blame him, can
you?

1001
01:13:48,360 --> 01:13:49,500
I mean, could you?

1002
01:13:49,720 --> 01:13:50,720
With her?

1003
01:13:52,650 --> 01:13:55,010
So you are the beautiest maid, Marion.
How do you do?

1004
01:13:55,870 --> 01:14:00,690
Not very often, thank you. Ah, your
reputation has spread far and wide.

1005
01:14:01,490 --> 01:14:03,610
And that's not the only thing, by the
look of it.

1006
01:14:04,070 --> 01:14:05,730
Have you eaten, Hartface?

1007
01:14:05,990 --> 01:14:08,010
No, I'm starving angry.

1008
01:14:08,650 --> 01:14:10,190
Oi, shag nasty!

1009
01:14:10,590 --> 01:14:13,810
Get that bleeding dear cat out and bang
us a leg.

1010
01:14:17,450 --> 01:14:20,510
To think we could have got Julie Andrews
for the same money.

1011
01:14:22,280 --> 01:14:23,340
Oh, good, he a prisoner.

1012
01:14:24,180 --> 01:14:26,460
Look here, put me down.

1013
01:14:26,840 --> 01:14:27,940
This is an outrage.

1014
01:14:29,760 --> 01:14:31,780
You're so coward.

1015
01:14:32,060 --> 01:14:32,978
Who's that?

1016
01:14:32,980 --> 01:14:33,980
It's me.

1017
01:14:34,420 --> 01:14:36,500
Good heavens, it's Lercalot.

1018
01:14:36,900 --> 01:14:41,540
What are you doing all dressed up like
that? I say, it's father.

1019
01:14:42,880 --> 01:14:45,720
Notweed, don't tell me you're one of
them.

1020
01:14:46,060 --> 01:14:47,480
If he isn't, he soon will be.

1021
01:14:47,840 --> 01:14:49,820
Father, what are you doing here?

1022
01:14:50,320 --> 01:14:53,920
I was just on my way home to Custard
Castle when these ruffians leapt upon me

1023
01:14:53,920 --> 01:14:54,679
from the trees.

1024
01:14:54,680 --> 01:14:58,060
Most upsetting. And I don't feel at all
well either.

1025
01:14:58,500 --> 01:15:01,200
Sir Coward, there is no point in going
to the castle.

1026
01:15:01,540 --> 01:15:04,700
Sir Brackett is holding it. And I'm
going to get it back.

1027
01:15:06,520 --> 01:15:09,160
I'm not going to be put upon by Sir
Brackett any longer.

1028
01:15:09,660 --> 01:15:10,980
The worm has turned.

1029
01:15:11,180 --> 01:15:15,820
I shall tell him face to face. Either he
gives me my castle back or I shall

1030
01:15:15,820 --> 01:15:19,180
challenge him to a duel. Father, this
doesn't sound like you.

1031
01:15:19,980 --> 01:15:21,080
I thought so.

1032
01:15:21,300 --> 01:15:23,480
He's been smoking this all the way home.

1033
01:15:24,280 --> 01:15:29,140
Would somebody mind telling me what's
going on? We must recapture the castle.

1034
01:15:29,500 --> 01:15:31,160
If I can be of any help.

1035
01:15:31,400 --> 01:15:34,200
Oh, that's extraordinarily decent of
you.

1036
01:15:34,740 --> 01:15:36,540
Decent? Nothing. It'll be a pleasure.

1037
01:15:36,900 --> 01:15:39,160
Anything to get away from Mad Marion.

1038
01:15:39,420 --> 01:15:44,920
Let me think. We must get back into the
castle. Oh, I feel very peculiar.

1039
01:15:52,590 --> 01:15:57,450
My lord, Sir Coward de Custard is at the
drawbridge, requesting admittance to

1040
01:15:57,450 --> 01:15:58,309
the castle.

1041
01:15:58,310 --> 01:16:02,190
The devil he is. My husband, home from
the crusade.

1042
01:16:02,590 --> 01:16:05,830
So our fearless knight has returned, has
he?

1043
01:16:07,450 --> 01:16:08,530
Is he alone?

1044
01:16:08,890 --> 01:16:13,170
No, sire, he is with a man of the
church, a friar.

1045
01:16:13,650 --> 01:16:15,890
How looks my father? Is he well?

1046
01:16:16,370 --> 01:16:19,290
Alas, no, my lady, he looks close to
death.

1047
01:16:21,900 --> 01:16:24,360
And he hath come home to die.

1048
01:16:24,940 --> 01:16:29,060
Bring him here and his friar. I'm clean.

1049
01:16:30,760 --> 01:16:32,720
Death the crusader's sickness.

1050
01:16:33,240 --> 01:16:34,240
Let me see.

1051
01:16:34,360 --> 01:16:36,180
I'm clean. Let's get out of here.

1052
01:16:36,920 --> 01:16:38,080
I'm clean.

1053
01:16:40,140 --> 01:16:42,280
Oh, I meant him, not you.

1054
01:16:55,600 --> 01:16:57,360
Well, it has been up to now. Let's face
it.

1055
01:16:58,740 --> 01:16:59,740
Unclean.

1056
01:17:06,860 --> 01:17:07,860
Give away.

1057
01:17:07,920 --> 01:17:09,300
He brings the sickness.

1058
01:17:11,040 --> 01:17:13,140
Ashfordell, my dearest wife.

1059
01:17:13,360 --> 01:17:15,480
That's all right, my dear. Don't bother
to get up.

1060
01:17:16,340 --> 01:17:18,680
How dare you bring this man here? Who
are you?

1061
01:17:19,420 --> 01:17:22,240
Friar Balsam, on an errand of mercy.

1062
01:17:22,700 --> 01:17:24,520
And I intend to stay.

1063
01:17:24,830 --> 01:17:29,490
until this man hath snuffed his last
nymph.

1064
01:17:29,870 --> 01:17:30,870
Take him to the dungeons.

1065
01:17:31,550 --> 01:17:33,510
No, you can't. There's somebody there.

1066
01:17:37,910 --> 01:17:39,690
I've come to keep you company.

1067
01:17:41,230 --> 01:17:44,390
Oh, well, beggars can't be choosers, I
suppose.

1068
01:17:45,490 --> 01:17:46,690
Oh, no, no.

1069
01:17:47,270 --> 01:17:48,690
Get in there.

1070
01:17:49,010 --> 01:17:50,310
You two, guard the door.

1071
01:17:55,120 --> 01:17:57,440
Heard of the Kama Sutra? No.

1072
01:17:57,800 --> 01:17:59,400
It's brilliant, Zerkelot.

1073
01:17:59,780 --> 01:18:00,780
Very good.

1074
01:18:01,380 --> 01:18:06,420
You got us into the castle, and much
good it has done us. Now, don't start

1075
01:18:06,700 --> 01:18:07,700
I'm not to blame.

1076
01:18:08,040 --> 01:18:10,520
Oh, my stomach.

1077
01:18:10,820 --> 01:18:13,280
Oh, for goodness sake, stop moaning.

1078
01:18:17,580 --> 01:18:20,640
Honestly, how much longer do they expect
us to sit here waiting? We shall catch

1079
01:18:20,640 --> 01:18:22,220
our death sitting in this damned craft.

1080
01:18:23,280 --> 01:18:25,260
How long's it take them to drop their
drawbridge?

1081
01:18:28,040 --> 01:18:29,160
Drawbridge, dear.

1082
01:18:30,120 --> 01:18:31,920
Honestly, some people's minds.

1083
01:18:38,060 --> 01:18:39,060
Gut fake.

1084
01:18:39,320 --> 01:18:42,820
I take two ladlefuls of sulphur.

1085
01:18:43,300 --> 01:18:45,200
Sulphur. One, two.

1086
01:18:46,640 --> 01:18:49,640
And a similar amount of ground charcoal.

1087
01:18:50,700 --> 01:18:51,700
Wait a...

1088
01:18:56,620 --> 01:18:59,920
Hang on. Wait a minute. Let me see now.

1089
01:19:00,200 --> 01:19:01,200
There we are.

1090
01:19:02,080 --> 01:19:05,280
I should be getting the drawbridge down
for Robin Hood, not plain doctors.

1091
01:19:05,620 --> 01:19:06,920
Perhaps they've been incarcerated.

1092
01:19:08,380 --> 01:19:09,860
Oh, no, no.

1093
01:19:10,080 --> 01:19:11,080
Shouldn't think so.

1094
01:19:11,260 --> 01:19:12,360
We'd have heard the scream.

1095
01:19:13,200 --> 01:19:14,200
Agony, I'm told.

1096
01:19:22,430 --> 01:19:25,470
If this doesn't move you, nothing will.
Come on. It's no use, Lercolot.

1097
01:19:26,090 --> 01:19:29,210
I'm not any good at taking medicine. Oh,
come on, get it down, you. Come along.

1098
01:19:29,510 --> 01:19:30,510
No.

1099
01:19:34,630 --> 01:19:41,010
I said it would move you, didn't I?

1100
01:19:41,250 --> 01:19:42,250
What happened?

1101
01:19:43,070 --> 01:19:44,070
I don't know.

1102
01:19:45,890 --> 01:19:47,230
What was in this stuff?

1103
01:19:49,830 --> 01:19:50,830
Sulfur?

1104
01:19:53,160 --> 01:19:54,160
Oh, Peter.

1105
01:19:55,240 --> 01:19:56,240
Do you know?

1106
01:19:56,680 --> 01:19:58,200
I've just invented something.

1107
01:19:58,980 --> 01:19:59,980
What's it called?

1108
01:20:00,220 --> 01:20:01,220
How do I know?

1109
01:20:01,300 --> 01:20:02,300
I've only just invented it.

1110
01:20:02,760 --> 01:20:05,560
Well, look what it did to that door.

1111
01:20:05,920 --> 01:20:08,820
One second it was there, next second it
was gone.

1112
01:20:09,580 --> 01:20:13,020
Yes, that's it. That's it. That's what
I'll call my latest invention.

1113
01:20:13,600 --> 01:20:14,600
Gone powder.

1114
01:20:15,200 --> 01:20:16,200
Oh, oh.

1115
01:20:27,230 --> 01:20:32,030
sound the alarm the prisoners have
escaped the prisoners have escaped

1116
01:21:14,640 --> 01:21:16,780
Is not he his twin brother?

1117
01:21:59,400 --> 01:22:00,660
In the bed.

1118
01:22:01,120 --> 01:22:03,640
In the bed.

1119
01:25:18,730 --> 01:25:19,850
You sent me to school and I wouldn't
be...

1120
01:25:55,430 --> 01:25:56,490
Bye, Robin.

1121
01:26:40,330 --> 01:26:47,030
and justice for all. My brother John has
fled, and the power of the barons

1122
01:26:47,030 --> 01:26:48,730
is curbed forever.

1123
01:26:49,050 --> 01:26:50,970
This is indeed a happy day.

1124
01:26:51,330 --> 01:26:57,230
Also, it is right and proper that your
king should have a queen, and I have

1125
01:26:57,230 --> 01:27:03,670
chosen the beautiful Lady Lobelia,
daughter of my good and loyal

1126
01:27:03,670 --> 01:27:06,290
friend, the coward Ducat.

1127
01:28:00,270 --> 01:28:06,990
Give me a modern man who knows how it
has to be. Not some old miser

1128
01:28:06,990 --> 01:28:13,750
hoarding my chastity, listing his lady
as though she were some kind of a

1129
01:28:13,750 --> 01:28:15,990
chattel. It's unnatural.

1130
01:28:16,410 --> 01:28:19,230
I need a strong, true fighter.

1131
01:28:55,950 --> 01:29:02,450
...who's glued to the flag and when he
should be up there facing the dragon,

1132
01:29:02,650 --> 01:29:09,650
oh, my man must have a name that is
steady, keeps his head

1133
01:29:09,650 --> 01:29:16,330
in, soon cross my drawbridge, disproving
the fallacy that there's no

1134
01:29:16,330 --> 01:29:18,230
lover can cross my...

1135
01:29:40,400 --> 01:29:41,400
Uh...