1 00:00:48,480 --> 00:00:50,080 New York City. 2 00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,250 Population: 100. 3 00:00:52,450 --> 00:00:57,820 A land full of CEOs, VIPs and STIs. 4 00:00:58,020 --> 00:00:59,130 And with that many people, 5 00:00:59,330 --> 00:01:02,830 there's bound to be a few great stories. 6 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:04,180 Like this one. 7 00:01:04,380 --> 00:01:08,010 Our story begins like all great stories, 8 00:01:08,210 --> 00:01:10,490 with two straight men. 9 00:01:10,690 --> 00:01:13,530 Fuck, I am good. 10 00:01:13,730 --> 00:01:16,620 Yeah. Yeah. 11 00:01:16,820 --> 00:01:18,670 This is Craig Tiddle. 12 00:01:25,220 --> 00:01:27,290 And this is Trevor Brock. 13 00:01:27,490 --> 00:01:30,460 - They're twins. - Identical twins. 14 00:01:30,660 --> 00:01:32,130 Fuck you! They are. 15 00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:34,860 And how do I know all of this? 16 00:01:35,060 --> 00:01:37,170 Because I'm God. 17 00:01:37,370 --> 00:01:38,990 That's right. God. 18 00:01:39,190 --> 00:01:42,350 He/him. The greatest storyteller of all time. 19 00:01:42,550 --> 00:01:44,040 Check the sales of my book. 20 00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:46,390 Number-one bestseller in the world. 21 00:01:46,590 --> 00:01:49,570 They're highly successful alpha males. 22 00:01:49,770 --> 00:01:51,530 Virile. Strong. 23 00:01:51,730 --> 00:01:54,540 And so-very manly. 24 00:02:06,030 --> 00:02:07,730 Fuck yeah. 25 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:11,740 Wow, those twins really have it all. 26 00:02:15,270 --> 00:02:16,960 Good morning! 27 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:19,530 Or do they? 28 00:02:20,530 --> 00:02:23,170 Craig and Trevor don't know they're twins. 29 00:02:23,370 --> 00:02:26,740 They were separated at birth and have never met. 30 00:02:26,940 --> 00:02:30,260 But that all changes today. 31 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,750 Craig, I think you dropped your mug. 32 00:02:41,950 --> 00:02:43,750 Keep it, old lady. I got a lot of mugs. 33 00:02:43,950 --> 00:02:45,060 I got a lot of everything. 34 00:02:45,260 --> 00:02:47,060 Wow, your life seems perfect. 35 00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:50,080 Trust me, my smelly friend, it is. 36 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,240 I got a mansion in the Hamptons 37 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,460 I got a bungalow upstate 38 00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:58,120 I got a penthouse just for fucking 39 00:02:58,320 --> 00:02:59,810 And another where I masturbate 40 00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:00,950 Pow 41 00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:03,120 The money just keeps rolling in 42 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,560 The good times never stop 43 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,600 There's never been a man like me 44 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,270 And I'll always be on top 45 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:13,130 Package for Trevor Brock. 46 00:03:13,330 --> 00:03:14,440 Fuck this tiny thing. 47 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,670 I already got the biggest package in town. 48 00:03:17,150 --> 00:03:19,310 My cock is fucking massive 49 00:03:19,510 --> 00:03:21,750 It always leaves the ladies sore 50 00:03:21,950 --> 00:03:24,140 Seven inches long Curves to the left 51 00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:26,230 Then it goes ten inches more 52 00:03:26,430 --> 00:03:27,800 - Ooh! - I got girls and cash 53 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,150 Cars and booze 54 00:03:29,350 --> 00:03:31,280 I'm the cream of the fucking crop 55 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,540 There's never been a man like me 56 00:03:33,740 --> 00:03:36,150 And I'll always be on top 57 00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,560 Thanks, doll. 58 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:45,480 Oop. 59 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:48,700 You have a good day. 60 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:57,540 Whoa. 61 00:04:09,900 --> 00:04:11,460 - You're welcome. - You're welcome. 62 00:04:17,990 --> 00:04:20,070 I'm the best 63 00:04:20,270 --> 00:04:22,370 So fucking blessed 64 00:04:22,570 --> 00:04:25,250 Sexy, smart It's just not fair 65 00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:27,990 I slay pussy everywhere 66 00:04:28,190 --> 00:04:29,430 I get what I want 67 00:04:29,630 --> 00:04:31,690 And what I got I flaunt 68 00:04:31,890 --> 00:04:35,210 And though some people find it strange 69 00:04:36,890 --> 00:04:40,390 No one's gonna make me change 70 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:52,750 My God. 71 00:04:52,950 --> 00:04:54,010 Sorry, you just... 72 00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:55,190 You really look like me. 73 00:04:55,390 --> 00:04:57,320 I think you mean that you look like me. 74 00:04:57,520 --> 00:04:59,190 - Craig Tiddle. - Trevor Brock. 75 00:04:59,390 --> 00:05:00,370 - Whoa. - Whoa. 76 00:05:00,570 --> 00:05:01,940 I think I got some lube on you. 77 00:05:02,140 --> 00:05:03,820 Hey, no worries. I'll save that for later. 78 00:05:04,340 --> 00:05:05,810 Say, where do you work? 79 00:05:06,010 --> 00:05:08,770 GVPI. It's my first day at the new corporate headquarters. 80 00:05:08,970 --> 00:05:10,250 Hot damn! Me, too. 81 00:05:10,450 --> 00:05:11,990 You must be from the downtown office? 82 00:05:12,190 --> 00:05:14,120 That I am. Take it you're from the uptown branch? 83 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:16,600 - My reputation precedes me. - Nope. Never heard of you. 84 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,520 Actually, I'm the one who's never heard of you, so... 85 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:19,690 Well, you should've heard of me, 86 00:05:19,890 --> 00:05:21,130 because I'm the number-one salesman 87 00:05:21,330 --> 00:05:22,350 this company's got. 88 00:05:22,550 --> 00:05:23,740 Hate to break it to you, buddy, 89 00:05:23,940 --> 00:05:25,570 but last time I checked, I was number one. 90 00:05:25,770 --> 00:05:27,130 Craig Tiddle's always on top. 91 00:05:27,330 --> 00:05:29,660 You might be on top of a sex offenders registry, 92 00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:32,050 but I've always been the best salesman. 93 00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:34,450 Fuck you, pal. I've had a record month. 94 00:05:34,650 --> 00:05:36,580 While you were in bed milking your morning wood, 95 00:05:36,780 --> 00:05:39,020 I've been pounding the pavement making sales. 96 00:05:39,220 --> 00:05:40,320 If you think I can't make sales 97 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:41,580 and jerk off at the same time, 98 00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:43,240 you got another thing coming because... 99 00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:45,500 I always get the things I want 100 00:05:45,700 --> 00:05:47,680 There's no way I can flop 101 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,420 There's never been a man like me 102 00:05:50,620 --> 00:05:52,510 And I'll always be I'll always be 103 00:05:52,710 --> 00:05:54,340 I'll always be on top 104 00:05:55,750 --> 00:05:57,340 Global Vroomba Parts 105 00:05:57,540 --> 00:05:58,990 No, we don't sell Vroombas 106 00:05:59,190 --> 00:06:00,600 Just the parts Like the gears 107 00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:03,260 And the wheels and those teeny tiny brushes 108 00:06:03,460 --> 00:06:04,610 Listen to me, you piece of shit. 109 00:06:04,810 --> 00:06:06,000 The sooner you make me money, 110 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,090 the sooner you can afford health insurance. 111 00:06:08,290 --> 00:06:11,350 Health care is a luxury. 112 00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:17,970 This is... gorgeous. 113 00:06:18,170 --> 00:06:20,280 Beautiful. A beautiful space. 114 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:21,840 Craig Tiddle, Trevor Brock. 115 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:23,320 My two top salesmen. 116 00:06:23,520 --> 00:06:25,450 Um, actually, I'm Trevor. 117 00:06:25,650 --> 00:06:26,850 Yeah, and I'm Craig. 118 00:06:27,050 --> 00:06:28,720 Okay, well... 119 00:06:28,920 --> 00:06:31,020 You two motherfuckers look like y'all could be twins. 120 00:06:31,220 --> 00:06:32,680 - I don't see it. - I think we actually 121 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:33,940 - look very dissimilar. - Yeah. 122 00:06:34,140 --> 00:06:35,120 I guess it's just, 123 00:06:35,320 --> 00:06:36,860 some shit that I really don't care about. 124 00:06:37,060 --> 00:06:39,160 I'm your new boss, Gloria Masters. 125 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,300 Wow, a-a lady boss. 126 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,170 I guess it really is the year that it is. 127 00:06:44,370 --> 00:06:45,820 - I'm crazy about that. - Yes, the year of the pussy. 128 00:06:46,020 --> 00:06:47,870 Exactly. So, boss, we were wondering, 129 00:06:48,070 --> 00:06:49,520 which one of us is top salesman 130 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:51,000 and which one is a dumb little baby? 131 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:52,570 Well, I'm glad you asked. 132 00:06:52,770 --> 00:06:55,270 As you can see right here, I have installed a leaderboard 133 00:06:55,470 --> 00:06:56,620 that tracks y'all's sales. 134 00:06:56,820 --> 00:06:58,270 Plug 'er in, fellas. 135 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,970 - Yes! Yes! - No. 136 00:07:06,170 --> 00:07:08,410 Trevor Brock, my prize pig. 137 00:07:08,610 --> 00:07:10,370 But the rest of you motherfuckers? 138 00:07:10,570 --> 00:07:11,600 Get to work. 139 00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,370 Hey, tough titty, Tiddle. 140 00:07:14,570 --> 00:07:17,380 Hey, but chin up, maybe you could be my assistant. 141 00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:20,030 All my assistants suck my dick. 142 00:07:25,150 --> 00:07:26,520 What in God's green hell? 143 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,170 Mark me down for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears 144 00:07:29,370 --> 00:07:31,130 and 3,000 of those teeny tiny brushes. 145 00:07:31,330 --> 00:07:32,390 That's a big sale. 146 00:07:32,590 --> 00:07:33,740 Let this be a lesson to you. 147 00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:35,960 Use people, like pawns on a checkerboard. 148 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:41,270 Son of a fucking bitch. 149 00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:43,660 That's right. Back where I belong. 150 00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,270 For now. I'll admit, you're good. 151 00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:47,670 It's gonna be fun to crush you. 152 00:07:47,870 --> 00:07:48,970 Right back at you. 153 00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:50,450 - May the best man... - Win. 154 00:07:50,650 --> 00:07:52,540 Win. I was gonna say that. 155 00:07:52,740 --> 00:07:55,200 Craig Tiddle's fucking awesome 156 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:57,680 Trevor Brock is off the charts 157 00:07:57,880 --> 00:08:00,030 They talk a lot about their dicks 158 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,420 And they sell fucking Vroomba parts 159 00:08:02,620 --> 00:08:04,550 You won't ever take me down 160 00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,520 I'll work until I drop 161 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,430 There's never been a man like me 162 00:08:09,630 --> 00:08:11,920 And I'll always be on top 163 00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:15,480 15,000 gears 164 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:16,780 - Money, money, money - Craig Tiddle 165 00:08:16,980 --> 00:08:18,220 - Money, money, money - Number one 166 00:08:18,420 --> 00:08:19,660 20,000 wheels 167 00:08:19,860 --> 00:08:20,960 - Money, money, money - Trevor Brock 168 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:22,400 - Money, money, money - Is getting it done 169 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:23,570 30,000 gears 170 00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:24,960 Craig Tiddle You're the best 171 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,010 40,000 wheels 172 00:08:26,210 --> 00:08:27,720 Trevor Brock Sign my chest 173 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:31,710 I love fucking money! 174 00:08:31,910 --> 00:08:33,410 - Who's it gonna be? - Who's it gonna be? 175 00:08:33,610 --> 00:08:34,630 Who's it gonna be? 176 00:08:34,830 --> 00:08:37,460 - Who's it gonna be? - Who's it gonna be? 177 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,340 100,000 teeny tiny brushes! 178 00:08:45,260 --> 00:08:46,740 Look around 179 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:48,960 It's plain to see 180 00:08:49,570 --> 00:08:53,700 There's never been a man like me 181 00:08:55,570 --> 00:09:00,000 'Cause I'm the fucking 182 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:05,280 Top... 183 00:09:13,340 --> 00:09:14,490 Still at it, shrimp? 184 00:09:14,690 --> 00:09:15,930 Work hard, stay hard. 185 00:09:16,130 --> 00:09:17,500 Never been tied for first before. 186 00:09:17,700 --> 00:09:19,410 I'm used to being the total top. 187 00:09:19,610 --> 00:09:21,330 Yeah, I'm gunning for your ass, little boy. 188 00:09:21,530 --> 00:09:23,110 That's why I'm here late. 189 00:09:23,310 --> 00:09:24,680 - Grinding. - Same. 190 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,370 Definitely not because I have nowhere to go 191 00:09:26,570 --> 00:09:28,250 and no one to see. 192 00:09:28,450 --> 00:09:30,030 I got a vast network of meaningful relationships, 193 00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:31,730 for sure, but no time for those now. 194 00:09:31,930 --> 00:09:34,350 I got to put in the hours so I can stay ahead of you, Craig. 195 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,210 Trevor. 196 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,000 You just called me Craig. You're Craig. I'm Trevor. 197 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,740 God, you're such an idiot, Trevor. 198 00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:43,090 No, I'm Craig. 199 00:09:43,290 --> 00:09:45,260 - You're Trevor, Trevor. - Damn it, we look alike. 200 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,090 We do not. You have long hair like a girl. 201 00:09:47,290 --> 00:09:48,530 You have short hair like a lesbian girl. 202 00:09:48,730 --> 00:09:50,400 This haircut is classic Trevor. 203 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:52,100 Fuck. Classic Cr... Fuck you! 204 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,440 No, fuck you. 205 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,450 - You don't get me. - You don't get me, either. 206 00:09:55,650 --> 00:09:56,710 No one does. 207 00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:09,110 I'm in this struggle all alone 208 00:10:09,310 --> 00:10:12,130 I don't know what to do 209 00:10:13,130 --> 00:10:16,310 I wish there was someone who knew 210 00:10:16,700 --> 00:10:19,610 What I am going through 211 00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:23,560 This feeling that I'm feeling 212 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:27,140 It feels so very bad 213 00:10:27,580 --> 00:10:30,570 It's almost like my life's a lie 214 00:10:30,770 --> 00:10:35,150 And actually I'm sad 215 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:40,680 No one understands what I've been through 216 00:10:42,290 --> 00:10:46,540 No one knows what it's like to be 217 00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:49,560 A man with my specific life 218 00:10:50,040 --> 00:10:52,900 Saying these specific words 219 00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:56,940 The only one who understands 220 00:10:57,140 --> 00:11:00,030 Is me 221 00:11:00,230 --> 00:11:02,210 Say, is this your family? 222 00:11:02,410 --> 00:11:05,300 What? No. But I definitely have a real family. 223 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:07,340 And they're rich and smart and kind and real. 224 00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:09,690 Me, too. I got a birth mommy and a birth daddy, 225 00:11:09,890 --> 00:11:11,710 same as everybody else. 226 00:11:12,540 --> 00:11:15,130 Growing up with just a mom 227 00:11:15,330 --> 00:11:18,060 It left a gaping hole 228 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,490 My single dad He did his best 229 00:11:21,690 --> 00:11:24,800 But life She took her toll 230 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:27,840 With Pops I could have fished for fish 231 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:30,760 My fastball we'd perfect 232 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,200 With Mom I could have learned to bake 233 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:38,690 Or show women respect 234 00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:44,310 No one understands what I've been through 235 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:49,820 No one knows what it's like to be 236 00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:53,130 A man with my specific life 237 00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:56,310 Saying these specific words 238 00:11:56,510 --> 00:12:00,220 The only one who understands 239 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,110 Is me 240 00:12:02,540 --> 00:12:06,270 If you think I've had it easy 241 00:12:06,470 --> 00:12:08,930 Then you're wrong 242 00:12:09,130 --> 00:12:12,370 The road's been fucking hard 243 00:12:12,570 --> 00:12:15,330 And fucking long 244 00:12:15,530 --> 00:12:18,280 Everything I ever got 245 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,510 I got all on my own 246 00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:24,420 I rose up from the ashes 247 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:28,700 Of my single-parent home 248 00:12:29,270 --> 00:12:32,300 'Cause I've always been a fighter 249 00:12:32,500 --> 00:12:35,480 Since the day that I was born 250 00:12:35,680 --> 00:12:41,740 On January 3rd, 1986 251 00:12:41,940 --> 00:12:47,530 - At 5:08 a.m. - At 5:07 a.m. 252 00:12:47,730 --> 00:12:49,230 Wait, what the fuck, dude? 253 00:12:49,430 --> 00:12:52,800 Yeah, there are a lot of similarities happening here. 254 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,320 - What is that? - This? 255 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:55,970 The only thing I have 256 00:12:56,170 --> 00:12:57,540 from the dad I never knew is... 257 00:12:57,740 --> 00:12:59,590 Half of a locket. 258 00:12:59,790 --> 00:13:01,680 This is the only thing I have from my mom. 259 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:04,160 I've never understood mine. It just says "our bo." 260 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,200 I think it must be an ancient Indigenous saying. 261 00:13:06,400 --> 00:13:07,770 Mine only says "toys." 262 00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:10,180 But what if...? 263 00:13:12,500 --> 00:13:14,560 "Our two boys." 264 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,470 My God. Does this mean... 265 00:13:16,670 --> 00:13:17,950 Hold on, sorry, you thought that said "toys"? 266 00:13:18,150 --> 00:13:20,260 Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys. 267 00:13:20,460 --> 00:13:21,740 No, there's not a "W" in toys. 268 00:13:21,940 --> 00:13:22,870 Damn it all to fuck, Craig! 269 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,440 Who cares about letters right now? 270 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,740 You only have a dad. I only have a mom. 271 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:29,050 We were born on the same day, almost down to the minute. 272 00:13:29,250 --> 00:13:30,360 We must be brothers. 273 00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:31,660 Not just brothers, Trevor. 274 00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:32,750 Twins. 275 00:13:32,950 --> 00:13:34,710 Wow, we're twins. 276 00:13:34,910 --> 00:13:36,200 We're fucking identical twins. 277 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:42,470 No one understands what I've been through 278 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:47,770 No one knows what it's like to be 279 00:13:47,970 --> 00:13:50,030 A man who thought he was alone 280 00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,940 But then found out he had a twin 281 00:13:52,140 --> 00:13:54,790 Who works at the same fucking job 282 00:13:55,790 --> 00:14:00,600 What a big coincidence 283 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:07,410 The only one who understands 284 00:14:08,970 --> 00:14:14,280 Is we 285 00:14:16,810 --> 00:14:20,720 Is we 286 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:27,510 Is we 287 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:35,120 Gears. Wheels. 288 00:14:35,320 --> 00:14:36,860 Teeny tiny brush... Wow. 289 00:14:37,060 --> 00:14:41,250 L, M, N, O... 290 00:14:41,450 --> 00:14:42,660 P. 291 00:14:49,450 --> 00:14:51,100 - Hey. - Hey. 292 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:54,050 This is crazy, right? 293 00:14:54,250 --> 00:14:55,880 Totally crazy. I mean... 294 00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,970 What are the odds of working with your long-lost twin? 295 00:14:58,170 --> 00:15:00,230 I don't know, one in four, three in four? 296 00:15:00,430 --> 00:15:02,930 - It's crazy. - Crazy. But wait. 297 00:15:03,130 --> 00:15:05,100 I can't believe Mom and Dad split us up. 298 00:15:05,300 --> 00:15:06,710 Like, is that abuse? 299 00:15:06,910 --> 00:15:08,150 Did they abuse us? 300 00:15:08,350 --> 00:15:10,200 We definitely experienced abuse-ment. 301 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,330 - My God. - I mean, don't get me wrong. 302 00:15:12,530 --> 00:15:13,630 My life is awesome. 303 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:15,770 No, no, no, no, m-m-mine is awesome, too. 304 00:15:15,970 --> 00:15:17,680 - I have an amazing job. - Amazing job. 305 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:18,900 I'm always dating some big-tit lady. 306 00:15:19,100 --> 00:15:20,380 Stunning big-tit ladies. 307 00:15:20,580 --> 00:15:22,080 I always get the things I want. 308 00:15:22,280 --> 00:15:23,470 Except for a real family. 309 00:15:23,670 --> 00:15:25,250 Single-parent homes are not real families. 310 00:15:25,450 --> 00:15:26,780 That's true. 311 00:15:29,270 --> 00:15:31,740 What do we do? 312 00:15:31,940 --> 00:15:34,260 You know, if Mom and Dad got married again, 313 00:15:34,460 --> 00:15:36,480 then we'd have a real family. 314 00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:37,890 What if... 315 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,750 What if we tricked them into getting back together? 316 00:15:41,950 --> 00:15:43,660 Keep talking until I understand. 317 00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:45,400 We trick Mom and Dad into thinking 318 00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:46,710 they need to get married again. 319 00:15:46,910 --> 00:15:48,190 My God, yes. 320 00:15:48,390 --> 00:15:49,970 I'll go talk to Dad now and trick him 321 00:15:50,170 --> 00:15:51,850 into getting back together with Mom. 322 00:15:52,050 --> 00:15:53,720 Well, no offense, 323 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:55,240 but you'd probably fuck it up. . 324 00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,760 I should be the one to trick Dad. 325 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,030 But you've never met him. 326 00:15:58,230 --> 00:15:59,640 Baby, I'm the number-one salesman. 327 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:00,900 I could trick anybody. 328 00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:03,290 Okay, hold up, I'm the number-one salesman. 329 00:16:03,490 --> 00:16:04,680 If anybody's gonna trick a parent 330 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:06,210 they've never met, it's gonna be me. 331 00:16:06,410 --> 00:16:08,300 While you're tricking Dad, I'll trick Mom. 332 00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:09,910 And I'll do it better. 333 00:16:10,110 --> 00:16:11,600 All right, then. It's settled. 334 00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:13,690 We're switching places to trick the parent we never knew 335 00:16:13,890 --> 00:16:14,870 into getting married again. 336 00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:16,350 - Fine. Fine. - Fine. 337 00:16:16,550 --> 00:16:18,220 Which means we're going to need... 338 00:16:18,420 --> 00:16:20,180 Disguises! 339 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:22,400 Wow, you look so good, King. 340 00:16:22,600 --> 00:16:23,920 You, too, King. 341 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,970 I mean, obviously, I would've preferred a lace front, 342 00:16:26,170 --> 00:16:28,620 but sometimes a shake and go can get the job done. 343 00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:30,280 - Right. - So, what's Mom like? 344 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:31,580 At the very least, I hope she fulfills 345 00:16:31,780 --> 00:16:33,410 every single expectation I have of her. 346 00:16:33,610 --> 00:16:35,280 - That's reasonable. - Just, like, an awesome, 347 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:37,200 conventional, elegant mommy. 348 00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,280 God, if she's, like, a kooky old eccentric lady, 349 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,260 I don't know what the fuck I'll do. 350 00:16:41,690 --> 00:16:44,680 Yeah, um, let's, let's change the subject entirely. 351 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,510 Tell me about Dad. 352 00:16:46,710 --> 00:16:47,640 Our dad? 353 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:49,080 - Yeah, our dad. - Um... 354 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,910 Is he a big, strong macho guy like me? 355 00:16:51,110 --> 00:16:52,820 I hope he's a big macho guy like me! 356 00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:54,730 Yeah, listen, I would obviously love to talk about that, 357 00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,950 but look, God, it's Mom's house. So I got to go right now. 358 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,480 God! 359 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,060 Okay, bye-bye. 360 00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:03,060 Drive, you piece of shit! 361 00:17:04,020 --> 00:17:05,750 Okay, Craig, you got this. 362 00:17:05,950 --> 00:17:07,970 Shit! Fuck! Damn! No! 363 00:17:08,170 --> 00:17:09,840 You're Trevor now, all right? 364 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:12,320 And Trevor is gonna knock on the door. 365 00:17:23,860 --> 00:17:25,130 Hello? 366 00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:28,120 Mom? 367 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,290 Why, Trevor, 368 00:17:30,490 --> 00:17:32,700 what a nice surprise. 369 00:17:33,790 --> 00:17:34,860 Mom! 370 00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:36,690 That's right, it's me. 371 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:38,470 - Good old Mom. - Right. 372 00:17:38,670 --> 00:17:41,000 And I'm... Trevor. 373 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,610 - Yes, you are. - So... 374 00:17:43,810 --> 00:17:45,830 Mom, you're in a wheelchair now? 375 00:17:46,030 --> 00:17:49,790 Well, Trevor, I've been in this wheelchair since January. 376 00:17:49,990 --> 00:17:52,750 Yes, and I haven't been here since then, so... 377 00:17:52,950 --> 00:17:55,270 January of 1979. 378 00:17:55,470 --> 00:17:57,010 Cool, so I do know this. 379 00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:00,370 Darling, what's the matter? You're not acting yourself. 380 00:18:00,570 --> 00:18:02,280 And what's with that hair? 381 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:06,110 I don't remember it being this fake and shitty looking. 382 00:18:06,310 --> 00:18:07,940 It's a wig. Dah! 383 00:18:08,140 --> 00:18:11,640 I mean, um, I'm growing it out for a wig. 384 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:13,380 Yeah, Locks for Love. 385 00:18:13,580 --> 00:18:15,080 I'm gonna give some bald, 386 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:16,600 barren women a second chance. 387 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,520 Well, I was just about to have some tea. 388 00:18:19,720 --> 00:18:21,310 Won't you join me? 389 00:18:21,790 --> 00:18:23,660 Mom, it's really good to see you. 390 00:18:24,050 --> 00:18:25,260 Really actually good. 391 00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:28,260 Well, it is really good to see you, too, dear, 392 00:18:28,460 --> 00:18:31,310 always, my darling boy. 393 00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,720 My only darling boy. 394 00:18:34,370 --> 00:18:36,050 The only boy I ever had. 395 00:18:36,250 --> 00:18:37,450 - Sure, yeah. - Yes. 396 00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:39,320 The only boy that ever came 397 00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,580 rocketing out of my vagina. 398 00:18:41,780 --> 00:18:42,760 Okay. 399 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:44,540 I would've probably had another one 400 00:18:44,740 --> 00:18:46,190 just like you, but I didn't. 401 00:18:46,390 --> 00:18:48,280 - The more you... - I had a vasectomy. 402 00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,890 One second after you was born, 403 00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,240 - Wow. - I had a vasectomy. 404 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,430 They snipped it. 405 00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:57,090 So, Mom... 406 00:18:58,040 --> 00:18:59,560 It's been a minute, what have you been up to? 407 00:18:59,760 --> 00:19:02,300 My gosh, Trevor! 408 00:19:02,500 --> 00:19:04,390 Well, you know me. 409 00:19:04,590 --> 00:19:05,650 I do. 410 00:19:05,850 --> 00:19:07,390 And all the things I get up to. 411 00:19:07,590 --> 00:19:09,910 Any specifics about it, though, would be appreciated. 412 00:19:10,110 --> 00:19:12,000 Tell me it as if I didn't know, 413 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,310 - even though of course I do. - This morning, 414 00:19:14,510 --> 00:19:18,100 Patricia and I watched a film from the Criterion Collection. 415 00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:20,920 - You know Patricia, of course. - If you say so. 416 00:19:21,120 --> 00:19:23,750 Mom, you seem so cultured. 417 00:19:23,950 --> 00:19:26,450 Well, I'm glad you're finally recognizing that. 418 00:19:26,650 --> 00:19:30,240 Yeah, me, too, it's time that someone fina... 419 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:32,850 That's sand. 420 00:19:33,050 --> 00:19:34,940 My God. 421 00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:38,120 I switched the tea and the sand again. 422 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,460 Again? 423 00:19:39,660 --> 00:19:41,700 I'm going fast. 424 00:19:42,220 --> 00:19:44,380 I make my own sand, you know. 425 00:19:44,580 --> 00:19:45,860 - Do you? - Yes, I do. 426 00:19:46,060 --> 00:19:47,120 Out of what? 427 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:48,690 Out of sand. 428 00:19:48,890 --> 00:19:50,350 Here you go, darling. 429 00:19:50,550 --> 00:19:51,610 - Thank you. - My gosh, 430 00:19:51,810 --> 00:19:53,300 wait a minute, not so fast. 431 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:54,870 That'll be your reward. 432 00:19:55,070 --> 00:19:56,390 Before you go, I need you to grab 433 00:19:56,590 --> 00:19:58,440 something down for me, please? 434 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,220 - Yeah, fucking sure. Um... - Yes, yes. 435 00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:01,880 It's that one right there. 436 00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:03,790 - This one? - Nope, that one. 437 00:20:03,990 --> 00:20:05,760 - So this one? - No, that one. 438 00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:08,710 - Okay, then this one? - No, darling, that one. 439 00:20:08,910 --> 00:20:09,930 - Here? - Darling? 440 00:20:10,130 --> 00:20:11,410 Let's calm down, look at me. 441 00:20:11,610 --> 00:20:13,190 - Do you see my finger? - I do. 442 00:20:13,390 --> 00:20:15,020 - This is called pointing. - Yeah. 443 00:20:15,220 --> 00:20:17,200 If you draw a little dotted line 444 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,460 from the tip of my finger and you go poop, boop, boop. 445 00:20:19,660 --> 00:20:21,420 Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop right to here. 446 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:22,860 - This is the one? - No! 447 00:20:23,060 --> 00:20:24,030 - Here? - Let me, okay, let me... 448 00:20:24,230 --> 00:20:25,160 I need to calm down. 449 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:26,560 Could you describe it? 450 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,120 Darling, I'm not going to spoil you. 451 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:31,040 How about a single adjective of-of any of these? 452 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:33,520 Not over there. Look, this is like this. 453 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:35,130 - Here again. - Not that one. 454 00:20:35,330 --> 00:20:36,350 - Is it this one? - Yeah! 455 00:20:36,550 --> 00:20:38,220 Motherfucker. Goddamn it. 456 00:20:38,420 --> 00:20:40,190 I could think of words you could've used. 457 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:43,180 Ooh, well, that was quite an ordeal. 458 00:20:43,380 --> 00:20:44,960 - Yeah, I'll say. - My God. 459 00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,620 No, no, no, no, please. 460 00:20:46,820 --> 00:20:48,530 That's Jerome. He's easily aroused. 461 00:20:48,730 --> 00:20:50,320 Don't get him anywhere near me. 462 00:20:50,520 --> 00:20:51,540 You have sex with this? 463 00:20:51,740 --> 00:20:53,150 Darling, of course. 464 00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:55,370 Look at him, how could I possibly resist? 465 00:20:55,570 --> 00:20:57,460 - He? It's a he? - He's a they. 466 00:20:57,660 --> 00:20:59,810 God, well, I-- Now that I know that you 467 00:21:00,010 --> 00:21:02,940 fuck this little gay boot, I'd love to put it somewhere. 468 00:21:03,140 --> 00:21:04,510 I think you should put him right down there 469 00:21:04,710 --> 00:21:06,460 next to Patricia, she can handle it. 470 00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:08,680 This is Patricia, who you saw the movie with? 471 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,210 Darling, of course. You know Patricia. 472 00:21:11,410 --> 00:21:13,430 And I would ask you to unhand her! 473 00:21:13,630 --> 00:21:15,080 Okay, Mommy, you know what? 474 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:17,690 I think maybe you need to get out of the house a little bit. 475 00:21:17,890 --> 00:21:19,870 Darling, why would I leave the house? 476 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,180 I have everything I need right here. 477 00:21:22,380 --> 00:21:23,350 Yeah, sure. 478 00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:26,350 I lead a charmed life, Trevor. 479 00:21:26,550 --> 00:21:28,270 Don't you understand? 480 00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:36,930 My life's been quite the wild ride 481 00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:39,150 Intrigue, thrills 482 00:21:39,350 --> 00:21:41,730 Romance 483 00:21:42,210 --> 00:21:46,030 I may have reached my twilight years 484 00:21:46,230 --> 00:21:50,870 But it's all still song and dance 485 00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:53,120 Seasons come 486 00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,910 And seasons go 487 00:21:56,110 --> 00:22:00,710 My years keep flying by 488 00:22:01,660 --> 00:22:05,780 And now I sit here in my house 489 00:22:05,980 --> 00:22:08,350 Trevor, I'm an independent woman. 490 00:22:08,550 --> 00:22:12,310 I do what I want when I want with whom I want. 491 00:22:12,510 --> 00:22:14,790 - I am very confused. - I'm afraid 492 00:22:14,990 --> 00:22:16,800 you simply don't understand 493 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:20,710 what a gas it is when you get to be my age. 494 00:22:20,910 --> 00:22:21,970 I'm 93 495 00:22:22,170 --> 00:22:23,590 No, 94 496 00:22:23,790 --> 00:22:25,150 That can't be right. 497 00:22:25,350 --> 00:22:26,680 Just wait, there's more 498 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:29,550 My back is broke My tits, they sag 499 00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:32,640 I have to pee into a bag 500 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:35,860 I have three toes My eyes are coins 501 00:22:36,060 --> 00:22:38,950 A mouse named Pip lives in my loins 502 00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:41,780 I smell like milk Well, more like cheese 503 00:22:41,980 --> 00:22:45,390 My nipples wink I never sneeze 504 00:22:45,590 --> 00:22:47,870 I cannot remember the year I was born 505 00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:51,000 I sculpt all my friends out of clay 506 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,270 I've seen every movie And most of them thrice 507 00:22:54,470 --> 00:22:57,310 For breakfast I only eat hay 508 00:22:57,510 --> 00:22:59,320 Well, this has been fun, but I got to be 509 00:22:59,520 --> 00:23:01,320 anywhere but here. 510 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:04,320 I keep all my ice cubes inside of my purse 511 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,280 I have a whole room full of geese 512 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:09,980 I only read backwards I never use spoons 513 00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:12,500 My mother is also my niece 514 00:23:12,700 --> 00:23:15,030 My organs are cotton I cry melted butter 515 00:23:15,230 --> 00:23:17,600 I have no reflection I bathe in asbestos 516 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:19,680 The world is a riddle I might be the devil 517 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,400 My pussy fell off once in Greece, hey! 518 00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:25,780 Who saw that coming? 519 00:23:25,980 --> 00:23:28,050 I did. 520 00:23:29,270 --> 00:23:30,400 Craig. 521 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:32,710 My favorite son. 522 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:34,870 My only son. 523 00:23:35,070 --> 00:23:36,700 - What a surprise. - Yeah. 524 00:23:36,900 --> 00:23:38,270 I thought I'd swing by. 525 00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:41,880 A hug. 526 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:45,060 Well, this is new. 527 00:23:47,550 --> 00:23:49,060 Don't forget to let go. 528 00:23:49,260 --> 00:23:50,890 Otherwise, we're just wrasslin'. 529 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:54,820 Wow. 530 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:57,510 Swanky digs, Dad. 531 00:23:57,710 --> 00:23:59,900 - Hush. - No, I mean it. 532 00:24:00,100 --> 00:24:03,120 This place is so nice and clean and chic and... 533 00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,130 God, I wish I'd grown up here. 534 00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,860 What are talking about, Craig? You did grow up here. 535 00:24:09,060 --> 00:24:11,170 And I wish I could grow up here again. 536 00:24:11,370 --> 00:24:13,390 - Shame how time works. - Yeah. 537 00:24:13,590 --> 00:24:15,520 It really sucks. Care for a mimosa? 538 00:24:17,590 --> 00:24:19,920 Don't judge, but I've already had one... 539 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:21,090 pitcher. 540 00:24:21,290 --> 00:24:23,010 Come on. 541 00:24:23,210 --> 00:24:24,530 Just kidding. 542 00:24:24,730 --> 00:24:26,360 But I do drink every morning. 543 00:24:26,560 --> 00:24:27,770 - Sure. - Cheers. 544 00:24:31,220 --> 00:24:33,540 Craig, I'm glad you're here actually. 545 00:24:33,740 --> 00:24:36,110 Same, Dad. What do you want to do first? 546 00:24:36,310 --> 00:24:39,300 Play catch in the yard? Not talk about our feelings? 547 00:24:40,560 --> 00:24:42,650 Funny you should mention feelings. 548 00:24:52,150 --> 00:24:53,040 Wow. 549 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,400 Okay. 550 00:24:55,230 --> 00:24:57,360 I've been meaning to tell you for some time. 551 00:24:58,540 --> 00:25:01,230 There's no easy way to say this, but... 552 00:25:01,930 --> 00:25:04,090 - But... - But what? 553 00:25:06,630 --> 00:25:07,880 I'm gay. 554 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,800 Wait, wait, this is something that I, 555 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:15,020 Craig, didn't know about until just now? 556 00:25:15,220 --> 00:25:16,320 That's correct. 557 00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:18,370 Um, okay, great, then I can freely say, 558 00:25:18,570 --> 00:25:20,910 what the fuck, Dad, you're gay? 559 00:25:21,860 --> 00:25:23,810 Well, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm, 560 00:25:24,010 --> 00:25:26,290 but yes, Craig, I'm gay. 561 00:25:26,490 --> 00:25:28,940 Queer as a three-dollar bill and just as thin. 562 00:25:29,140 --> 00:25:30,990 - Well, let's not go c-- - Shh. Daddy's talking. 563 00:25:31,190 --> 00:25:32,900 Honestly, 564 00:25:33,100 --> 00:25:35,560 the signs have been there for ages. 565 00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:37,470 I'm only now realizing it. 566 00:25:37,670 --> 00:25:40,780 I am and have always been a normal homosexual man 567 00:25:40,980 --> 00:25:44,440 who does all the normal things normal homosexual men do. 568 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,320 - Like what? - Well, I'll tell you. 569 00:25:48,410 --> 00:25:50,530 I wake up, drink my coffee 570 00:25:50,730 --> 00:25:52,550 Have brunch around 11:00 571 00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:55,060 Walk my bichon frise 572 00:25:55,260 --> 00:25:57,490 Then nap till half past 7:00 573 00:25:57,690 --> 00:25:59,840 A night out at the symphony 574 00:26:00,040 --> 00:26:02,020 Such elegance, what poise 575 00:26:02,220 --> 00:26:04,280 Or maybe I'll just stay at home 576 00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:05,940 With my two Sewer Boys 577 00:26:06,140 --> 00:26:07,070 What? 578 00:26:07,270 --> 00:26:10,510 The answer is perfectly clear 579 00:26:10,710 --> 00:26:15,820 It's a gay old life being queer 580 00:26:16,020 --> 00:26:18,470 I'm so sorry, did you say "Sewer Boys"? 581 00:26:18,670 --> 00:26:22,180 Come on, Craig. You know my Sewer Boys. 582 00:26:27,190 --> 00:26:28,790 No! 583 00:26:28,990 --> 00:26:32,400 No! No! 584 00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:37,190 No! No! No! 585 00:26:37,390 --> 00:26:39,190 Christ on a crutch, Craig. 586 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:40,840 Are you all right? 587 00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:43,540 You sounded like Maria Callas on a rough matinee. 588 00:26:43,740 --> 00:26:45,370 What the fuck are those things? 589 00:26:45,570 --> 00:26:47,720 My Sewer Boys. 590 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,240 Pale little inbred creatures, 591 00:26:50,440 --> 00:26:51,940 live underground. 592 00:26:52,140 --> 00:26:53,720 Only communicate in clicks and whistles. 593 00:26:56,270 --> 00:26:58,510 I-I'm very confused. 594 00:26:58,710 --> 00:27:00,120 You do seem a bit off, dear. 595 00:27:00,320 --> 00:27:01,650 And what's with your hair? 596 00:27:01,850 --> 00:27:04,210 I don't remember it being this fake or shitty looking. 597 00:27:04,410 --> 00:27:06,260 God, who cares about wigs right now? 598 00:27:06,460 --> 00:27:07,870 Those things are disgusting. 599 00:27:08,070 --> 00:27:10,310 They're not disgusting, they're gay culture. 600 00:27:10,510 --> 00:27:12,570 Gay culture? Well, they don't seem gay. 601 00:27:12,770 --> 00:27:14,400 They seem dangerous. 602 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,710 Well, I appreciate your concern, but... 603 00:27:17,910 --> 00:27:22,540 There's nothing dangerous about vacationing in Spain 604 00:27:22,740 --> 00:27:24,100 That is until you've thrown 605 00:27:24,300 --> 00:27:26,840 Half of your savings down the drain 606 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:29,370 But money should be spent on things 607 00:27:29,570 --> 00:27:31,630 Both lovely and refined 608 00:27:31,830 --> 00:27:34,070 The Sewer Boys drink blood for fun 609 00:27:34,270 --> 00:27:35,720 And also read my mind 610 00:27:35,920 --> 00:27:39,520 Don't get in a tizzy My dear 611 00:27:40,130 --> 00:27:42,690 It's a gay old life 612 00:27:42,890 --> 00:27:46,210 Being queer 613 00:27:46,410 --> 00:27:48,740 What do you mean, they read your mind? 614 00:27:48,940 --> 00:27:51,000 Someone's hungry. 615 00:27:52,770 --> 00:27:54,130 God. 616 00:27:57,070 --> 00:27:58,620 They'll do anything for a little deli meat. 617 00:27:58,820 --> 00:28:01,760 No, I hate this. 618 00:28:02,550 --> 00:28:04,190 What are you doing? 619 00:28:10,340 --> 00:28:12,560 All right, it's your turn. 620 00:28:15,730 --> 00:28:17,910 There's got to be a different way to feed them. 621 00:28:18,470 --> 00:28:19,740 No! 622 00:28:22,390 --> 00:28:23,870 All right, all right. 623 00:28:27,480 --> 00:28:30,340 Hey, let's brainstorm some ideas together, Papa. 624 00:28:30,540 --> 00:28:31,520 Maybe a bowl. 625 00:28:31,720 --> 00:28:33,750 Have you thought about a fucking bowl? 626 00:28:34,190 --> 00:28:36,130 Nope, this is how we've always done it. 627 00:28:36,330 --> 00:28:38,090 Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys, 628 00:28:38,290 --> 00:28:39,570 Backpack and Whisper. 629 00:28:39,770 --> 00:28:40,790 Those are their names? 630 00:28:40,990 --> 00:28:41,880 Watch your talons. 631 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:43,880 Talons. 632 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,710 - Want some ham? - No, I don't want any ham! 633 00:28:46,910 --> 00:28:48,710 I feel like I'm in a fucking nightmare! 634 00:28:48,910 --> 00:28:51,120 I understand, son. 635 00:28:52,380 --> 00:28:55,550 Coming out can be just as hard on the family. 636 00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:58,890 But it's a journey we'll go on together. 637 00:28:59,090 --> 00:29:01,240 I'm not talking about coming out. 638 00:29:01,440 --> 00:29:03,510 I'm talking about the fucking monsters. 639 00:29:04,930 --> 00:29:08,640 Shh! Don't say that in front of them. 640 00:29:08,840 --> 00:29:09,950 You'll hurt their feelings. 641 00:29:10,150 --> 00:29:12,340 Their feelings? They feel? 642 00:29:12,540 --> 00:29:15,300 What are they? Explain them to me! 643 00:29:16,630 --> 00:29:18,360 Well, it's a long story. 644 00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:20,570 Very well. 645 00:29:20,770 --> 00:29:22,180 Yeah. Get a hat. 646 00:29:22,380 --> 00:29:23,790 Many decades ago 647 00:29:23,990 --> 00:29:25,480 I was down in the sewer 648 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,750 - Why? - Shh, Daddy's singing. 649 00:29:27,950 --> 00:29:30,660 Rowing my boat through the slime and manure 650 00:29:30,860 --> 00:29:32,490 How did you get a boat into the sewer? 651 00:29:32,690 --> 00:29:34,490 You want to hear the story or not? 652 00:29:34,690 --> 00:29:37,710 Collecting adventures and treasures galore 653 00:29:37,910 --> 00:29:42,590 But I couldn't guess what fate had in store 654 00:29:42,790 --> 00:29:45,030 I rounded a bend and what did I see? 655 00:29:45,230 --> 00:29:48,380 Two creatures so bloody So foul, so carefree 656 00:29:48,580 --> 00:29:51,730 They were taking a bath in the corpse of a swine 657 00:29:51,930 --> 00:29:53,950 And that's when I knew 658 00:29:54,150 --> 00:29:57,790 They had to be mine 659 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:01,350 I tried to entice them 660 00:30:01,550 --> 00:30:03,780 But they were too quick 661 00:30:03,980 --> 00:30:06,050 Tried to rip out my trachea 662 00:30:06,250 --> 00:30:08,610 Bite off my dick 663 00:30:08,810 --> 00:30:10,490 With a club I subdued them 664 00:30:10,690 --> 00:30:14,060 And made to depart 665 00:30:14,260 --> 00:30:16,930 And I stole the two creatures 666 00:30:17,130 --> 00:30:21,160 Who'd stolen my heart 667 00:30:21,550 --> 00:30:22,590 Jesus. 668 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,720 My boy There's no reason to jeer 669 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,730 It's a gay old life 670 00:30:32,930 --> 00:30:34,950 Being 671 00:30:35,150 --> 00:30:39,520 Queer... 672 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:40,780 I bathe in bleach 673 00:30:40,980 --> 00:30:42,430 There's skiing up in Aspen 674 00:30:42,630 --> 00:30:44,260 - I play the horn - And sailing of West Palm 675 00:30:44,460 --> 00:30:45,480 One time I died 676 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:46,910 The snow is fine as powder 677 00:30:47,110 --> 00:30:48,920 - I suck on corn - The waves are always calm 678 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:50,870 - I poison fruit - But no matter where I am 679 00:30:51,070 --> 00:30:52,530 - I kissed a chair - There is no way 680 00:30:52,730 --> 00:30:54,100 I can resist the urge to climb 681 00:30:54,300 --> 00:30:55,400 - I juggle for exercise - Below the streets 682 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:56,790 - Never use alphabet - And smell 683 00:30:56,990 --> 00:30:58,190 - And a tornado's my friend - That stinky mist 684 00:30:58,390 --> 00:30:59,930 The answer is 685 00:31:00,130 --> 00:31:02,320 Perfectly clear 686 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:05,990 It's a gay old life 687 00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:08,980 Being queer 688 00:31:09,180 --> 00:31:14,560 I have no pussy 689 00:31:17,910 --> 00:31:19,820 Those foolish boys. 690 00:31:20,020 --> 00:31:21,860 What, what will they do? 691 00:31:26,970 --> 00:31:30,040 Craig Tiddle's phone, Craig Tiddle speaking. 692 00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:31,700 Why didn't you tell me Dad was a gay man 693 00:31:31,900 --> 00:31:33,530 obsessed with Sewer Boys? 694 00:31:33,730 --> 00:31:35,010 Because I was ashamed. 695 00:31:35,210 --> 00:31:37,050 You don't know what it's like to feed Boar's Head ham 696 00:31:37,250 --> 00:31:39,100 to those slimy little demons your whole life. 697 00:31:39,300 --> 00:31:41,660 Why didn't you tell me Mom's pussy fell off? 698 00:31:41,860 --> 00:31:44,010 You weren't there. It was really disturbing. 699 00:31:44,210 --> 00:31:45,710 Well, I'm sure it was, but not knowing really-- 700 00:31:45,910 --> 00:31:48,680 No, Craig. It was awful. 701 00:31:49,210 --> 00:31:51,690 It crawled away like a fucking cockroach. 702 00:31:52,170 --> 00:31:53,370 Mom was screaming at me, 703 00:31:53,570 --> 00:31:56,680 "Kill it! Kill it!" 704 00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:59,460 I raised my flip-flop to deal the death blow, 705 00:31:59,660 --> 00:32:01,470 and it stared me straight in the eyes. 706 00:32:01,670 --> 00:32:03,130 It had eyes now. 707 00:32:03,790 --> 00:32:06,600 "Dream of this," the pussy said to me. 708 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:08,400 "Dream of this every night." 709 00:32:09,360 --> 00:32:10,750 And I do, Craig. 710 00:32:11,530 --> 00:32:12,620 I do. 711 00:32:13,840 --> 00:32:15,050 Well, our parents are fucking freaks, 712 00:32:15,250 --> 00:32:16,390 and there's nothing we can do about it. 713 00:32:16,590 --> 00:32:17,530 What do you mean? 714 00:32:17,730 --> 00:32:18,880 I mean that I thought our plan 715 00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:20,620 was going to be easy, and it was not. 716 00:32:20,820 --> 00:32:22,230 But I still want to be brothers, no homo. 717 00:32:22,430 --> 00:32:23,580 Want to be brothers, no homo, too. 718 00:32:23,780 --> 00:32:25,010 Well, then we have to do this. 719 00:32:25,210 --> 00:32:26,930 But our parents are completely incompatible. 720 00:32:27,130 --> 00:32:29,190 Mom has no pussy. 721 00:32:29,390 --> 00:32:31,450 Dad is a gay. 722 00:32:31,650 --> 00:32:34,730 I want this to work, okay? But it just feels... 723 00:32:35,770 --> 00:32:37,040 impossible. 724 00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:39,720 Anything's possible if you force it to be. 725 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:41,810 - But-- - Shh. 726 00:32:48,610 --> 00:32:51,080 When I was picking colleges 727 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:53,870 My sights were set on Brown 728 00:32:54,070 --> 00:32:56,910 But my scores were all so miserable 729 00:32:57,110 --> 00:32:59,310 That they just turned me down 730 00:32:59,510 --> 00:33:02,270 So I went and saw the chancellor 731 00:33:02,470 --> 00:33:04,370 To make him think again 732 00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:06,400 And when he still refused 733 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:12,150 I roofied him And then he let me in 734 00:33:12,350 --> 00:33:14,320 You can't give up 735 00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,990 When people tell you no 736 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:19,410 You can't give up 737 00:33:19,610 --> 00:33:22,820 If you want it, make it so 738 00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:26,290 Life's a game of poker 739 00:33:26,490 --> 00:33:29,030 And I only play to win 740 00:33:29,230 --> 00:33:31,950 So if someone says don't do a thing 741 00:33:32,150 --> 00:33:34,530 Just do that thing again 742 00:33:35,790 --> 00:33:38,260 Last year I found a condo 743 00:33:38,460 --> 00:33:40,870 So high up in the sky 744 00:33:41,070 --> 00:33:43,790 But the grandmother who lived there 745 00:33:43,990 --> 00:33:46,480 She wouldn't let me buy 746 00:33:46,680 --> 00:33:48,880 So I framed her ass for larceny 747 00:33:49,080 --> 00:33:51,660 And now she rots in jail 748 00:33:51,860 --> 00:33:53,540 Then I roofied a whole bar 749 00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:55,230 And we all killed 750 00:33:55,430 --> 00:33:59,190 A humpback whale 751 00:33:59,390 --> 00:34:00,600 You can't give up 752 00:34:01,080 --> 00:34:03,560 When people tell you no 753 00:34:04,170 --> 00:34:05,940 You can't give up 754 00:34:06,140 --> 00:34:09,130 If you want it, make it so 755 00:34:10,610 --> 00:34:13,030 Life's a game of Boggle 756 00:34:13,230 --> 00:34:15,400 And I only play to win 757 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:18,430 So if someone says don't do a thing 758 00:34:18,630 --> 00:34:20,480 - Just do that thing - And do that thing 759 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:23,000 Again 760 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:25,220 The losers are all thinking 761 00:34:25,420 --> 00:34:27,970 There's some secret to success 762 00:34:28,500 --> 00:34:31,090 And they also think that "no" means "no" 763 00:34:31,290 --> 00:34:35,750 But really "No" means "yes" 764 00:34:35,950 --> 00:34:40,930 "No" means "yes" 765 00:34:41,130 --> 00:34:42,890 You can't give up 766 00:34:43,090 --> 00:34:46,070 When people tell you no 767 00:34:46,270 --> 00:34:48,110 You can't give up 768 00:34:48,310 --> 00:34:51,910 If you want it, make it so 769 00:34:52,610 --> 00:34:54,770 Life's a fucking hand job 770 00:34:54,970 --> 00:34:57,600 And I only play to win 771 00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,640 So stroke my fucking cock 772 00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:02,440 Until I blast all on your chin 773 00:35:03,010 --> 00:35:05,610 Then take that cum and lube me up 774 00:35:05,810 --> 00:35:08,310 Until I come again 775 00:35:08,510 --> 00:35:11,180 And if someone says don't do a thing 776 00:35:11,380 --> 00:35:13,010 Just do that thing and do that thing 777 00:35:13,210 --> 00:35:14,270 And do that thing 778 00:35:14,470 --> 00:35:18,970 And do that thing... 779 00:35:19,170 --> 00:35:22,580 Again 780 00:35:22,780 --> 00:35:24,450 Do that thing again 781 00:35:30,910 --> 00:35:33,210 Should I open another bottle? 782 00:35:33,650 --> 00:35:35,030 I know it's our second, 783 00:35:35,230 --> 00:35:36,380 but we're not Baptists. 784 00:35:39,450 --> 00:35:40,510 Are you sure that thing's secure? 785 00:35:40,710 --> 00:35:41,820 Hardly. 786 00:35:42,020 --> 00:35:44,170 They've gotten out so many times, 787 00:35:44,370 --> 00:35:46,950 animal control made me tag them. 788 00:35:47,150 --> 00:35:49,350 Have you ever thought about putting them down? 789 00:35:49,550 --> 00:35:51,880 Good grief, I'd sooner put down my wine. 790 00:35:52,360 --> 00:35:53,960 Though I admit, they're a handful. 791 00:35:54,160 --> 00:35:56,610 I haven't had a vacation in years, 792 00:35:56,810 --> 00:35:58,850 and you know how I love jet lag. 793 00:35:59,410 --> 00:36:01,880 Let's talk about what I want to talk about. 794 00:36:02,080 --> 00:36:05,010 Like Mom, for example. If she's real or whatever. 795 00:36:05,210 --> 00:36:06,710 How did you two meet? 796 00:36:06,910 --> 00:36:08,930 It's a funny story. 797 00:36:09,130 --> 00:36:10,890 We met in a graveyard. 798 00:36:11,090 --> 00:36:12,980 I was trying to find a kidney. 799 00:36:13,180 --> 00:36:15,940 They sell like hotcakes on the black market. 800 00:36:16,140 --> 00:36:17,900 - You were graverobbing. - Why, Trevor, 801 00:36:18,100 --> 00:36:20,810 you know that was my job before the war. 802 00:36:21,010 --> 00:36:23,210 And after. Yahtzee. 803 00:36:23,410 --> 00:36:24,380 We're doing a puzzle. 804 00:36:24,580 --> 00:36:25,640 Puzzle. 805 00:36:27,110 --> 00:36:29,470 There was your mother, up to her neck 806 00:36:29,670 --> 00:36:31,480 in freshly-tilled dirt. 807 00:36:31,680 --> 00:36:34,130 When I called out to her, she pulled a gun on me. 808 00:36:34,330 --> 00:36:35,440 Thought I was a cop. 809 00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:37,790 Graverobbing was illegal in those days. 810 00:36:37,990 --> 00:36:39,140 It's still illegal. 811 00:36:39,340 --> 00:36:40,700 Well, don't tell the police 812 00:36:40,900 --> 00:36:44,050 or they'll make me return half my wardrobe. 813 00:36:44,250 --> 00:36:47,140 All this talk about Dad. What is it, Father's Day? 814 00:36:47,340 --> 00:36:48,710 You know, the more you yammer on about Dad, 815 00:36:48,910 --> 00:36:50,150 it makes me think you miss him. 816 00:36:50,350 --> 00:36:52,320 Like you want to see him again. 817 00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:54,370 - See your mother? - Why not? 818 00:36:54,570 --> 00:36:56,850 You said so yourself, you're fucking monster children... 819 00:36:57,050 --> 00:36:58,070 Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys! 820 00:36:58,270 --> 00:36:59,600 Whatever! 821 00:37:00,170 --> 00:37:03,200 Your Sewer Boys take up so much of your time. 822 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:05,290 When's the last time you went out 823 00:37:05,490 --> 00:37:06,990 and had a little fun? 824 00:37:07,190 --> 00:37:09,170 A little daddy time? 825 00:37:09,370 --> 00:37:11,790 The last time I went out... 826 00:37:12,310 --> 00:37:14,690 I know the Nazis were still a thing. 827 00:37:14,890 --> 00:37:16,560 God, whatever happened to them? 828 00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:17,830 See, this is what I mean. 829 00:37:18,030 --> 00:37:19,920 You should leave the house now and then. 830 00:37:20,120 --> 00:37:21,830 Hit the town, look at a current globe, 831 00:37:22,030 --> 00:37:23,050 see Dad. 832 00:37:23,250 --> 00:37:24,400 I don't know about seeing your mother, 833 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:26,700 but... you're right. 834 00:37:26,900 --> 00:37:28,320 A little company could be nice. 835 00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:31,010 Well, how about you and me go to dinner? 836 00:37:31,210 --> 00:37:32,930 Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.? 837 00:37:33,130 --> 00:37:34,320 Tomorrow night? 838 00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:36,580 Let's just have drinks here instead? 839 00:37:36,780 --> 00:37:39,150 Or, or... we could go somewhere better. 840 00:37:39,350 --> 00:37:41,330 The kind of place where you could fall in love again. 841 00:37:41,530 --> 00:37:43,040 A place like 842 00:37:43,430 --> 00:37:45,590 La Chateaux. 843 00:37:45,790 --> 00:37:49,210 The most romantic restaurant in all of New York? 844 00:37:49,410 --> 00:37:51,080 Odd place to go with your son. 845 00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:52,340 Well, I already made a reservation, 846 00:37:52,540 --> 00:37:54,950 so enjoy your empty evening full of nothing 847 00:37:55,150 --> 00:37:56,560 but the silence of your own thoughts. 848 00:37:56,760 --> 00:37:59,740 And I loved that idea you had about dinner at La Chateaux. 849 00:37:59,940 --> 00:38:01,960 Wait a minute, wasn't that your idea? 850 00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:04,310 Yup, that's right, a dinner that's definitely your idea, 851 00:38:04,510 --> 00:38:05,740 and definitely with me. 852 00:38:05,940 --> 00:38:06,790 Bye, Mommy. 853 00:38:06,990 --> 00:38:08,270 Well, we'll see. 854 00:38:08,470 --> 00:38:11,100 I mean, it was lovely of you to come over, though. 855 00:38:11,300 --> 00:38:13,400 I hope you'll come back... 856 00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:14,710 soon. 857 00:38:14,910 --> 00:38:15,840 Come back soon. 858 00:38:24,300 --> 00:38:29,780 The phone, it never rings 859 00:38:31,300 --> 00:38:36,740 The door, it never knocks 860 00:38:38,310 --> 00:38:43,260 I sit here with my bric-a-brac 861 00:38:43,460 --> 00:38:46,010 My tchotchkes 862 00:38:46,490 --> 00:38:50,190 And my clocks 863 00:38:52,190 --> 00:38:56,710 I don't think it's a problem 864 00:38:56,910 --> 00:39:03,280 That I hate to go outside 865 00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:06,540 Though I worry 866 00:39:06,740 --> 00:39:10,370 It'll take them weeks 867 00:39:10,570 --> 00:39:13,900 To find my body 868 00:39:14,100 --> 00:39:17,700 Once I've died 869 00:39:18,220 --> 00:39:20,250 I'm lonely 870 00:39:20,450 --> 00:39:23,600 I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely, I'm lonely 871 00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:25,260 I'm lonely 872 00:39:25,460 --> 00:39:26,820 So lonely 873 00:39:27,020 --> 00:39:31,360 So fucking lonely all the time 874 00:39:32,410 --> 00:39:35,750 I am a person 875 00:39:35,950 --> 00:39:37,400 Who's lonely 876 00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:42,380 My Sewer Boys They bring me joy 877 00:39:44,420 --> 00:39:49,690 They have throughout the years 878 00:39:51,210 --> 00:39:52,850 But I admit 879 00:39:53,050 --> 00:39:55,900 They've scared away 880 00:39:56,100 --> 00:39:59,550 My wife, my son 881 00:39:59,750 --> 00:40:02,640 My peers 882 00:40:02,840 --> 00:40:06,040 Could it be 883 00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:09,950 I've hid behind 884 00:40:10,150 --> 00:40:16,660 My sweet, delightful pets? 885 00:40:18,340 --> 00:40:20,970 That they've mired me 886 00:40:21,170 --> 00:40:23,880 In crippling debt 887 00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:28,710 And been the cause of my death threats 888 00:40:31,310 --> 00:40:32,760 I'm lonely 889 00:40:32,960 --> 00:40:37,390 I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely 890 00:40:38,080 --> 00:40:39,680 So lonely 891 00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:45,030 So lonely and so all alone 892 00:40:45,230 --> 00:40:48,660 I am a person 893 00:40:49,350 --> 00:40:51,950 Was it wrong to throw away 894 00:40:52,150 --> 00:40:54,390 The marriage that I had? 895 00:40:54,590 --> 00:40:56,170 Was it wrong? 896 00:40:56,370 --> 00:40:58,220 To split my children up 897 00:40:58,420 --> 00:41:01,400 Is there a chance that was bad? 898 00:41:01,600 --> 00:41:03,180 That was bad 899 00:41:03,380 --> 00:41:05,790 Am I wrong to live my life 900 00:41:05,990 --> 00:41:08,270 The way I do now? 901 00:41:10,680 --> 00:41:13,060 - Should I try to change? - Yes 902 00:41:13,260 --> 00:41:15,280 - Some way - Please 903 00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:16,460 Somehow 904 00:41:16,660 --> 00:41:17,410 Change 905 00:41:17,610 --> 00:41:19,680 I have so much to share 906 00:41:19,880 --> 00:41:20,850 Change 907 00:41:21,050 --> 00:41:23,070 Does anybody care? 908 00:41:23,270 --> 00:41:26,420 Please, God If you're listening 909 00:41:26,620 --> 00:41:30,300 Just trust me I'm Christian now 910 00:41:30,500 --> 00:41:35,430 Answer my motherfucking prayer 911 00:41:35,630 --> 00:41:37,790 Not now. Not now. 912 00:41:43,230 --> 00:41:45,830 I'm lonely 913 00:41:46,030 --> 00:41:50,190 I'm so lonely 914 00:41:50,390 --> 00:41:52,140 So lonely 915 00:41:52,340 --> 00:41:56,840 So lonely, I'm all alone 916 00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:59,890 - I'm lonely - I'm lonely 917 00:42:00,090 --> 00:42:01,590 So very lonely 918 00:42:01,790 --> 00:42:03,890 You know I'm lonely 919 00:42:04,090 --> 00:42:07,380 I am a person 920 00:42:09,220 --> 00:42:11,700 - Who's - Who's 921 00:42:13,790 --> 00:42:15,950 Lonely 922 00:42:16,150 --> 00:42:19,520 - Lonely - Lonely 923 00:42:19,720 --> 00:42:22,440 Lonely 924 00:42:22,640 --> 00:42:29,450 - Lonely - Lonely 925 00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:37,230 Mom called me confirming she's on for dinner tonight. 926 00:42:37,430 --> 00:42:39,710 Dad has left me, like, 14 voice mails. 927 00:42:39,910 --> 00:42:42,150 - The plan is working, King. - Hell yeah, King. 928 00:42:42,350 --> 00:42:44,070 There's no way this can possibly go wrong. 929 00:42:46,350 --> 00:42:48,900 Tiddle, Brock, what the hell y'all two doing here? 930 00:42:49,100 --> 00:42:50,290 We're keeping your company afloat. 931 00:42:50,490 --> 00:42:51,510 - You're welcome. - I don't know 932 00:42:51,710 --> 00:42:52,770 if estrogen makes you forgetful, 933 00:42:52,970 --> 00:42:54,210 but we're your top two salesmen. 934 00:42:54,410 --> 00:42:55,510 You're not my two top salesmen. 935 00:42:55,710 --> 00:42:56,790 Check the board. 936 00:43:02,070 --> 00:43:03,170 Okay, so we missed a day 937 00:43:03,370 --> 00:43:05,040 and we fell down a slot or two. Big deal. 938 00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:07,480 Bid deal? Y'all ain't been here in two fucking weeks. 939 00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:09,260 - Two fucking weeks? - Two fucking weeks? 940 00:43:09,460 --> 00:43:10,920 - 'Cause we got that wig. - That's it. 941 00:43:11,120 --> 00:43:12,530 - That's where the time went. - Yeah. 942 00:43:12,730 --> 00:43:14,700 Y'all fucked up. So guess what? 943 00:43:14,900 --> 00:43:16,310 Because y'all haven't been making me no money, 944 00:43:16,510 --> 00:43:17,450 y'all are dead to me. 945 00:43:17,650 --> 00:43:18,800 - What? - You haven't been selling 946 00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:20,540 any fucking wheels, any fucking gears, 947 00:43:20,740 --> 00:43:21,930 and y'all damn sure ain't been selling 948 00:43:22,130 --> 00:43:24,190 no teeny tiny fucking brushes. 949 00:43:24,390 --> 00:43:26,930 Okay. I know we're not supposed to say this anymore 950 00:43:27,130 --> 00:43:28,810 because it's not acceptable or whatever, 951 00:43:29,010 --> 00:43:30,980 but you're being a bitch. 952 00:43:31,180 --> 00:43:32,200 Yeah, and I would say that 953 00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:33,330 the way you're acting right now 954 00:43:33,530 --> 00:43:34,940 is actually very bitch-y. 955 00:43:35,140 --> 00:43:37,780 Okay, well, I can show y'all two bitches a bitch. 956 00:43:39,570 --> 00:43:40,900 They say boys'll be boys 957 00:43:41,100 --> 00:43:42,340 Man, what a crock of shit 958 00:43:42,540 --> 00:43:43,690 These men They hold all the cards 959 00:43:43,890 --> 00:43:44,950 It makes me want to spit 960 00:43:45,150 --> 00:43:46,260 They always fucking shit up 961 00:43:46,460 --> 00:43:47,690 They're always making a mess 962 00:43:47,890 --> 00:43:50,440 But I'mma tell you the secret to my success 963 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:52,870 Men are all stupid Weak little boys 964 00:43:53,070 --> 00:43:55,570 They're not very smart They just make lots of noise 965 00:43:55,770 --> 00:43:56,920 They got their nose up my ass 966 00:43:57,120 --> 00:43:58,050 They want to be teacher's pet 967 00:43:58,250 --> 00:43:59,400 And so I keep them on their toes 968 00:43:59,600 --> 00:44:00,450 And make those fuckers sweat 969 00:44:00,650 --> 00:44:01,580 - Girls - Girls 970 00:44:01,780 --> 00:44:02,880 Sit on your throne 971 00:44:03,080 --> 00:44:04,360 And just act like a queen 972 00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:06,580 And these boys will be dying to kiss the ring 973 00:44:06,780 --> 00:44:08,980 Train them to beg like the dogs that they are 974 00:44:09,180 --> 00:44:10,980 And you'll find that it ain't no thing 975 00:44:11,180 --> 00:44:14,290 To out-alpha the alpha 976 00:44:16,260 --> 00:44:18,860 - Outfox the fox - Yeah 977 00:44:19,060 --> 00:44:20,870 Outfox the fox 978 00:44:21,610 --> 00:44:26,730 Outsmart all these dummies 979 00:44:26,930 --> 00:44:31,490 Out-fuck all these cocks 980 00:44:32,010 --> 00:44:34,610 They'll cop a feel or smack yo ass 981 00:44:34,810 --> 00:44:37,090 And then they'll suck their little thumbs 982 00:44:37,290 --> 00:44:40,050 These boys all want a kiss from mommy 983 00:44:40,250 --> 00:44:42,180 They're all scummy sacks of cum 984 00:44:42,380 --> 00:44:44,970 So put your foot right on they throat 985 00:44:45,170 --> 00:44:48,490 If they are standing in your way and just 986 00:44:48,690 --> 00:44:53,080 Make those fuckers pay 987 00:44:58,910 --> 00:45:00,290 Stackin' my dollars Making my coin 988 00:45:00,490 --> 00:45:01,590 Got drip in the back of my truck 989 00:45:01,790 --> 00:45:02,940 Bank vault apartment Swimming in cash 990 00:45:03,140 --> 00:45:04,340 Scrooge McFucking McDuck 991 00:45:04,540 --> 00:45:06,640 I always stay stunnin' My shit is brand-new 992 00:45:06,840 --> 00:45:08,910 My tuna is ahi My beef is Wagyu 993 00:45:09,110 --> 00:45:10,730 Y'all are just servants This is my palace 994 00:45:10,930 --> 00:45:11,910 Built it brick by brick 995 00:45:12,110 --> 00:45:13,430 So get in a line Drop on your knees 996 00:45:13,630 --> 00:45:14,610 And suck my fucking dick 997 00:45:14,810 --> 00:45:15,830 Then eat my ass Lick my pussy 998 00:45:16,030 --> 00:45:17,130 And find my clit 999 00:45:17,330 --> 00:45:18,440 Just keep on fucking I'm not done 1000 00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:19,570 I'll tell you when to quit 1001 00:45:19,770 --> 00:45:20,790 Hell, yeah, I'm raw 1002 00:45:20,990 --> 00:45:22,180 Bitch, I'm the star 1003 00:45:22,380 --> 00:45:24,660 And yes, I'm real, boy There's no HR 1004 00:45:24,860 --> 00:45:27,270 I'm the fucking dom Don't need a fucking man 1005 00:45:27,470 --> 00:45:29,320 And by now you know my plan 1006 00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:34,150 Out-alpha the alpha 1007 00:45:34,350 --> 00:45:36,450 Out-screw the cock 1008 00:45:36,650 --> 00:45:39,340 Yeah, out-screw these cocks 1009 00:45:39,860 --> 00:45:44,940 Outplay all these losers 1010 00:45:45,140 --> 00:45:50,440 Out-juice all these nuts 1011 00:45:51,050 --> 00:45:53,520 These baby boys can't keep the pace 1012 00:45:53,720 --> 00:45:56,040 They're all so fucking slow 1013 00:45:56,240 --> 00:45:58,960 They love acting like they run the place 1014 00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:00,750 But I'm the CEO 1015 00:46:01,540 --> 00:46:03,870 These men are fucking dinosaurs 1016 00:46:04,070 --> 00:46:06,480 About to be destroyed 1017 00:46:06,680 --> 00:46:11,320 - And I'm the asteroid - And I'm the asteroid 1018 00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:13,750 They've called me shrill They've called me slut 1019 00:46:13,950 --> 00:46:16,280 They've called me ice queen And what's more 1020 00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:19,110 They've called me crazy Called me loud 1021 00:46:19,310 --> 00:46:22,210 They've called me bitch and cunt and whore 1022 00:46:22,510 --> 00:46:24,720 Imagine, if you will 1023 00:46:24,920 --> 00:46:27,510 We murdered all the males 1024 00:46:27,710 --> 00:46:29,940 A woman-driven world 1025 00:46:30,140 --> 00:46:32,900 Where equity prevails 1026 00:46:33,100 --> 00:46:35,430 Sadly That's not how it is 1027 00:46:35,630 --> 00:46:37,690 But don't you get upset 1028 00:46:37,890 --> 00:46:40,520 I'll put those boys right in their place 1029 00:46:40,720 --> 00:46:42,220 Goddamn, that makes me wet 1030 00:46:45,890 --> 00:46:48,530 Trevor, Craig, you're fired. 1031 00:46:50,250 --> 00:46:54,620 Out-alpha the alpha 1032 00:46:54,820 --> 00:46:57,230 Outfox the fox 1033 00:46:57,430 --> 00:46:59,760 Outfox the fox, 1034 00:46:59,960 --> 00:47:02,020 Outsmart all these dummies 1035 00:47:02,220 --> 00:47:05,070 Outsmart all the dummies 1036 00:47:05,270 --> 00:47:10,200 Out-fuck all these cocks 1037 00:47:10,400 --> 00:47:13,290 Out-alpha the alpha 1038 00:47:13,490 --> 00:47:15,820 Out-alpha the alpha Out-alpha the alpha 1039 00:47:16,020 --> 00:47:18,120 Out-alpha the alpha 1040 00:47:23,710 --> 00:47:25,610 Bitch, that was fun. 1041 00:47:25,810 --> 00:47:28,090 Okay, now, back to the story. 1042 00:47:43,330 --> 00:47:44,890 You know, fuck that fucking job. 1043 00:47:45,090 --> 00:47:47,060 - Who needs that fucking job? - Shh! 1044 00:47:47,260 --> 00:47:48,940 Rude. 1045 00:47:49,140 --> 00:47:51,430 Look, look, look. 1046 00:47:52,340 --> 00:47:54,810 Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am. 1047 00:47:57,780 --> 00:47:58,910 M-Ma'am? 1048 00:48:26,290 --> 00:48:28,280 Well, this is ridiculous. 1049 00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:29,800 I don't see him anywhere. 1050 00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:32,080 I'm just going to go right back ho... 1051 00:48:32,640 --> 00:48:34,860 - Evelyn? - Harris? 1052 00:48:35,430 --> 00:48:37,460 What are you doing here? 1053 00:48:37,660 --> 00:48:39,030 I'm having a romantic dinner... 1054 00:48:39,230 --> 00:48:40,330 - ...with Trevor. - ...with Craig. 1055 00:48:40,530 --> 00:48:42,640 My God. 1056 00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:43,990 The twins. 1057 00:48:44,190 --> 00:48:46,300 The twins must have found one another, 1058 00:48:46,500 --> 00:48:48,780 switched places to meet the parent they never knew 1059 00:48:48,980 --> 00:48:51,750 and then tricked us into coming here and reuniting. 1060 00:48:52,230 --> 00:48:53,740 Those rascals. 1061 00:48:53,940 --> 00:48:55,870 Well, I'm flummoxed. 1062 00:48:56,070 --> 00:48:57,870 I'm dumbfounded. 1063 00:48:58,070 --> 00:49:00,400 Those were always two of your best qualities. 1064 00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:03,660 Harris. 1065 00:49:03,860 --> 00:49:06,880 My God, Evelyn. How long has it been? 1066 00:49:07,080 --> 00:49:10,100 260 years. 1067 00:49:10,300 --> 00:49:13,680 It's been 260 years since we last saw one another? 1068 00:49:14,900 --> 00:49:18,150 I thought you meant since the French and Indian War. 1069 00:49:18,350 --> 00:49:21,340 I have no idea how long it's been since we... 1070 00:49:22,300 --> 00:49:23,560 split up. 1071 00:49:24,260 --> 00:49:27,960 Yes, well, at any rate, it's been a long time. 1072 00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:30,920 Yes. Yes, it has. 1073 00:49:33,070 --> 00:49:34,180 Garcon? 1074 00:49:35,320 --> 00:49:37,970 - Garcon? - Yes, madame? 1075 00:49:38,360 --> 00:49:40,740 Um, my apologies, but, 1076 00:49:40,940 --> 00:49:43,610 we're actually going to have to cancel our reservation. 1077 00:49:43,810 --> 00:49:46,010 Yes, there's been a mistake. 1078 00:49:46,210 --> 00:49:47,490 Ooh. 1079 00:49:47,690 --> 00:49:49,230 But I hear that this wine 1080 00:49:49,430 --> 00:49:51,270 will be of particular interest to you both. 1081 00:49:51,470 --> 00:49:53,970 It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy, like you had 1082 00:49:54,170 --> 00:49:55,710 - on your honeymoon. - Like we had on our honeymoon. 1083 00:49:55,910 --> 00:49:57,510 And it's in a bottle. 1084 00:49:58,290 --> 00:50:01,250 Well, it is a very nice wine. 1085 00:50:01,990 --> 00:50:04,330 And it is free, after all. 1086 00:50:04,530 --> 00:50:06,940 It's not. Enjoy. 1087 00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:10,130 A toast, 1088 00:50:10,610 --> 00:50:12,910 to our clever, stubborn boys. 1089 00:50:13,110 --> 00:50:16,000 They are the one thing we got mostly right. 1090 00:50:16,200 --> 00:50:18,310 Mostly. 1091 00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:22,190 And... dissolve. 1092 00:50:23,020 --> 00:50:25,400 God, I've missed this. 1093 00:50:25,600 --> 00:50:28,010 And I haven't even thought about the Sewer Boys once. 1094 00:50:28,210 --> 00:50:31,920 Those fucking things are still alive? 1095 00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:34,400 God, how old are they now? 1096 00:50:34,600 --> 00:50:35,840 They're younger, actually. 1097 00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:38,670 They operate outside of linear time. 1098 00:50:38,870 --> 00:50:41,160 Sure. I'm familiar. 1099 00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:45,810 What went wrong between us, Evelyn, 1100 00:50:46,010 --> 00:50:47,770 all those many moons ago? 1101 00:50:47,970 --> 00:50:50,730 What goes wrong with any couple? 1102 00:50:50,930 --> 00:50:52,990 We were young and foolish. 1103 00:50:53,190 --> 00:50:55,380 We drifted apart. 1104 00:50:55,580 --> 00:50:57,440 And you did start fucking men. 1105 00:50:58,270 --> 00:51:00,440 All the time, fucking men. 1106 00:51:02,320 --> 00:51:05,090 There are always little clues that a person might be gay. 1107 00:51:05,290 --> 00:51:08,050 Well, it hardly matters now, since my pussy fell off. 1108 00:51:08,250 --> 00:51:09,960 Yes, it hardly matters now. 1109 00:51:12,120 --> 00:51:13,500 I'm sorry, what? 1110 00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,590 Delicious. 1111 00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:21,020 Evelyn, is something the matter? 1112 00:51:22,350 --> 00:51:24,320 You're choking. 1113 00:51:24,520 --> 00:51:25,460 Yes. 1114 00:51:31,400 --> 00:51:33,430 Harris? 1115 00:51:33,740 --> 00:51:34,860 Yes? 1116 00:51:35,060 --> 00:51:36,900 You're still holding onto me. 1117 00:51:37,100 --> 00:51:39,250 - I'm sorry. - No, no. It's fine. 1118 00:51:39,450 --> 00:51:40,470 It's... 1119 00:51:40,670 --> 00:51:42,170 It's more than fine. 1120 00:51:46,920 --> 00:51:48,480 What are we even doing? 1121 00:51:48,680 --> 00:51:49,740 I'm not sure. 1122 00:51:51,860 --> 00:51:53,350 Aren't you gay? 1123 00:51:53,550 --> 00:51:55,360 I-I don't know. It's like I'm... 1124 00:51:55,560 --> 00:51:57,840 I'm attracted to both men and women. 1125 00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:01,360 Well, now I have heard everything. 1126 00:52:01,560 --> 00:52:05,190 But, also, and correct me if I'm wrong, 1127 00:52:05,390 --> 00:52:09,210 but, didn't you just say that your... 1128 00:52:10,950 --> 00:52:12,500 ...pussy fell off? 1129 00:52:12,700 --> 00:52:16,550 Yes. Trevor had to kill it with a flip-flop in Greece. 1130 00:52:16,750 --> 00:52:20,860 But what he doesn't know is, I went back afterward, 1131 00:52:21,060 --> 00:52:24,250 scooped it up and put it into a plastic bag, 1132 00:52:24,450 --> 00:52:27,910 and now I always carry it with me 1133 00:52:28,110 --> 00:52:30,260 so that I feel like a woman. 1134 00:52:30,460 --> 00:52:32,230 Well, now I've heard everything. 1135 00:52:32,670 --> 00:52:34,790 My God. 1136 00:52:34,990 --> 00:52:36,540 Well, that was unexpected. 1137 00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:40,050 I'm sorry. 1138 00:52:40,250 --> 00:52:41,490 These are yours, those are mine. 1139 00:52:41,690 --> 00:52:42,880 I'm so embarrassed. Yes. 1140 00:52:43,080 --> 00:52:45,420 Yes. 1141 00:52:46,110 --> 00:52:47,280 My God. 1142 00:52:49,940 --> 00:52:51,030 So... 1143 00:52:52,560 --> 00:52:54,680 we can be together. 1144 00:52:54,880 --> 00:52:57,900 Why, yes. Yes, we can. 1145 00:53:06,220 --> 00:53:09,040 I thought these feelings 1146 00:53:09,240 --> 00:53:11,390 All had died 1147 00:53:11,590 --> 00:53:14,700 But now you're here 1148 00:53:14,900 --> 00:53:18,530 And now I find 1149 00:53:18,730 --> 00:53:23,530 I've missed you very much 1150 00:53:25,860 --> 00:53:30,670 I've missed your hair Your eyes, your face 1151 00:53:30,870 --> 00:53:33,410 But now you're here 1152 00:53:33,610 --> 00:53:35,630 And now I yearn 1153 00:53:35,830 --> 00:53:40,910 For a tender lover's 1154 00:53:41,210 --> 00:53:43,260 Touch 1155 00:53:44,740 --> 00:53:46,210 - Wow. - Wow. 1156 00:53:52,400 --> 00:53:55,610 I feel the beat, beat, beat of your thumping heart 1157 00:53:55,810 --> 00:53:57,170 It's just my body telling you 1158 00:53:57,370 --> 00:53:58,650 I'm ready to start 1159 00:53:58,850 --> 00:54:01,480 Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go 1160 00:54:01,680 --> 00:54:03,050 You know I like it rough 1161 00:54:03,250 --> 00:54:04,790 So don't you take it slow 1162 00:54:08,120 --> 00:54:09,490 I'm desperate for your dick 1163 00:54:09,690 --> 00:54:11,190 Desperate for your pussy 1164 00:54:11,390 --> 00:54:12,540 Hungry for your dick 1165 00:54:12,740 --> 00:54:14,710 Give me Give me that pussy 1166 00:54:14,910 --> 00:54:17,890 I got the taste, taste taste of you on my tongue 1167 00:54:18,090 --> 00:54:21,020 I want to get real wild like when we were young 1168 00:54:21,220 --> 00:54:24,240 Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go 1169 00:54:24,440 --> 00:54:27,460 Roll over here, baby 'Cause I'm fixing to blow 1170 00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:32,290 I'm desperate for your snatch 1171 00:54:32,490 --> 00:54:34,210 I'm desperate for your cock 1172 00:54:34,410 --> 00:54:35,380 I want vagina 1173 00:54:35,580 --> 00:54:38,140 I'm talking about penis 1174 00:54:53,730 --> 00:54:56,230 I'm desperate 1175 00:54:56,430 --> 00:55:01,240 For your love 1176 00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:03,080 Desperate for your love 1177 00:55:09,690 --> 00:55:11,200 And stay out. 1178 00:55:11,400 --> 00:55:14,510 I had a cape. 1179 00:55:14,710 --> 00:55:16,820 We did it, we did it 1180 00:55:17,020 --> 00:55:17,860 We did it 1181 00:55:18,060 --> 00:55:19,120 Harris, we're being mugged. 1182 00:55:19,320 --> 00:55:20,390 - We're gonna die. - No, no. 1183 00:55:20,590 --> 00:55:21,780 - No, darling. - What? 1184 00:55:21,980 --> 00:55:23,390 It-it's our boys. 1185 00:55:23,590 --> 00:55:24,650 My God! 1186 00:55:24,850 --> 00:55:26,650 - It's so good to see you. - Yay. 1187 00:55:26,850 --> 00:55:29,220 To see you both together. 1188 00:55:29,420 --> 00:55:31,830 Now, why'd you switch places? 1189 00:55:32,030 --> 00:55:33,830 I guess we thought, since you gave us up, 1190 00:55:34,030 --> 00:55:35,580 - maybe it meant you... - Hated us. 1191 00:55:35,780 --> 00:55:37,840 Hated you? No. 1192 00:55:38,040 --> 00:55:39,620 We hardly even knew you. 1193 00:55:39,820 --> 00:55:42,900 We drew straws at the hospital and each took a kid. 1194 00:55:44,340 --> 00:55:46,280 I just can't get over it. 1195 00:55:46,480 --> 00:55:48,150 All of us, reunited. 1196 00:55:48,350 --> 00:55:49,680 It's just like we planned. 1197 00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,030 And now that you're back in love again, 1198 00:55:52,230 --> 00:55:54,030 you're gonna get married! 1199 00:55:54,230 --> 00:55:55,070 - What? - What? 1200 00:55:55,270 --> 00:55:56,550 Get married! And when you do, 1201 00:55:56,750 --> 00:55:57,950 do you think you'll change your last names? 1202 00:55:58,150 --> 00:55:59,640 Should we change our last names? 1203 00:55:59,840 --> 00:56:01,430 - No, wait. - We can all live together. 1204 00:56:01,630 --> 00:56:02,690 Then every day would be like Christmas. 1205 00:56:02,890 --> 00:56:04,300 - Yes. - Unless we're Jewish, 1206 00:56:04,500 --> 00:56:06,610 then every day would be like Easter. 1207 00:56:06,810 --> 00:56:10,610 Boys, boys, please, I mean, Craig, I just met you. 1208 00:56:10,810 --> 00:56:13,350 - I'm Trevor. - Exactly. And I'm gay. 1209 00:56:13,550 --> 00:56:15,350 Yeah, but you just had hot, awesome sex with Mom, 1210 00:56:15,550 --> 00:56:17,140 so now maybe you're straight. 1211 00:56:17,340 --> 00:56:19,230 It's clear that we were both just longing 1212 00:56:19,430 --> 00:56:20,880 for some physical touch. 1213 00:56:21,080 --> 00:56:22,620 We were fucking horny. 1214 00:56:22,820 --> 00:56:26,410 Right, exactly, but our marriage didn't work. 1215 00:56:26,610 --> 00:56:28,410 And I'm an independent woman. 1216 00:56:28,610 --> 00:56:33,040 I do not like when people live with... 1217 00:56:40,570 --> 00:56:41,740 me. 1218 00:56:42,180 --> 00:56:46,520 And I-I feel like maybe I haven't stressed this enough, 1219 00:56:46,720 --> 00:56:48,260 I do fuck men. 1220 00:56:48,460 --> 00:56:50,950 Not as often as I'd like, but whenever I get the chance. 1221 00:56:51,150 --> 00:56:53,000 Boys, listen now. 1222 00:56:53,200 --> 00:56:54,880 We love you, but... 1223 00:56:55,410 --> 00:57:01,670 we will never... 1224 00:57:02,890 --> 00:57:04,810 get married again. 1225 00:57:07,240 --> 00:57:09,670 This is stupid! 1226 00:57:09,870 --> 00:57:12,280 I hate you! And I hate both of you! 1227 00:57:12,480 --> 00:57:13,540 We lost everything 1228 00:57:13,740 --> 00:57:15,110 - because of you. - No. 1229 00:57:15,310 --> 00:57:16,850 Now we don't even have a family? 1230 00:57:17,050 --> 00:57:19,030 We can still be a family, 1231 00:57:19,230 --> 00:57:21,330 even if your mother and I aren't together. 1232 00:57:21,530 --> 00:57:23,380 No, not the kind we wanted. 1233 00:57:23,580 --> 00:57:26,030 You split us up when we were babies. 1234 00:57:26,230 --> 00:57:28,380 I mean, that's fucking psycho! 1235 00:57:28,580 --> 00:57:30,210 Boys, we didn't realize 1236 00:57:30,410 --> 00:57:32,130 that being lied to your entire lives 1237 00:57:32,330 --> 00:57:33,950 would upset you this much. 1238 00:57:34,150 --> 00:57:36,650 But at least we have each other now. 1239 00:57:36,850 --> 00:57:38,350 - No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no. No, Dad. 1240 00:57:38,550 --> 00:57:39,960 - Yay! Yay! - No. No, Mommy. 1241 00:57:40,160 --> 00:57:42,050 - Yay. Yay. - No, Mommy. 1242 00:57:42,250 --> 00:57:44,280 - No. No. - Stop it. Stop it. 1243 00:57:45,540 --> 00:57:47,070 - Yay. - No. 1244 00:57:48,810 --> 00:57:49,800 Come on, Craig. 1245 00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:50,980 - Trevor. - Trevor. 1246 00:57:51,720 --> 00:57:53,190 Let's go. 1247 00:57:53,390 --> 00:57:55,060 Yeah. 1248 00:57:55,260 --> 00:57:57,290 Don't. Don't leave like this. 1249 00:58:00,690 --> 00:58:02,910 Which one is which? 1250 00:58:03,690 --> 00:58:04,990 We can still fix this. 1251 00:58:05,190 --> 00:58:06,550 We just need to get Mom and Dad to... 1252 00:58:06,750 --> 00:58:08,030 No, Trevor, just-- No. 1253 00:58:08,230 --> 00:58:09,860 - You don't mean that. - I do. 1254 00:58:10,060 --> 00:58:13,170 I-I mean no, and no means no this time. 1255 00:58:13,370 --> 00:58:15,340 I'm done, okay? This is done. 1256 00:58:15,540 --> 00:58:16,610 What are you saying? 1257 00:58:16,810 --> 00:58:18,740 I-I don't know what I'm saying. 1258 00:58:18,940 --> 00:58:21,390 I've never felt this way before. 1259 00:58:21,590 --> 00:58:23,570 Usually when I want something, I get it. 1260 00:58:23,770 --> 00:58:26,220 In fact, it almost feels like society and all its systems 1261 00:58:26,420 --> 00:58:28,700 were built so that a man who looks like me can succeed. 1262 00:58:28,900 --> 00:58:31,530 And so, now to want something and not get it, 1263 00:58:31,730 --> 00:58:34,060 it-it makes me feel... feel... 1264 00:58:34,260 --> 00:58:36,150 - Feel what, Craig? What? - Feelings! 1265 00:58:36,350 --> 00:58:38,800 Bad ones! And I want to make them go away! 1266 00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:41,410 - This is just like you. - Excuse me? 1267 00:58:41,610 --> 00:58:43,680 To give up. I bet you give up on your boner 1268 00:58:43,880 --> 00:58:44,980 before it's even fully hard. 1269 00:58:45,180 --> 00:58:47,380 Fuck you. I have never given up on a semi. 1270 00:58:47,580 --> 00:58:49,070 My doctors say I am medically horny. 1271 00:58:49,270 --> 00:58:51,680 I never lost anything until you showed up. 1272 00:58:51,880 --> 00:58:53,210 You ruined my life! 1273 00:58:53,410 --> 00:58:54,900 You ruined mine, okay? 1274 00:58:55,100 --> 00:58:56,470 I knew this wouldn't work! 1275 00:58:56,670 --> 00:58:59,130 It would still work if you weren't a fucking quitter. 1276 00:58:59,330 --> 00:59:01,820 We didn't quit. We failed! 1277 00:59:05,280 --> 00:59:06,480 Well, if that's how you feel about it, 1278 00:59:06,680 --> 00:59:07,960 then I guess there's nothing left to say. 1279 00:59:08,160 --> 00:59:09,370 I guess not. 1280 00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:11,180 Goodbye forever, Craig. 1281 00:59:11,380 --> 00:59:12,880 Goodbye to you, too. 1282 00:59:13,080 --> 00:59:14,280 For forever. 1283 00:59:28,470 --> 00:59:29,640 Wait, you... 1284 00:59:29,840 --> 00:59:31,460 You've lived next to me this entire time? 1285 00:59:31,660 --> 00:59:33,000 I guess so. 1286 00:59:33,910 --> 00:59:35,440 That's weird. 1287 00:59:35,870 --> 00:59:36,960 Yeah. 1288 00:59:37,310 --> 00:59:38,480 That is weird. 1289 00:59:45,100 --> 00:59:50,580 No one understands what I've been through 1290 00:59:53,150 --> 00:59:59,070 No one knows what it's like to be 1291 01:00:00,290 --> 01:00:04,380 I just lost my brother twin 1292 01:00:07,860 --> 01:00:12,390 Who also was my only friend 1293 01:00:15,430 --> 01:00:20,520 The only one who understands 1294 01:00:22,920 --> 01:00:24,220 Is... 1295 01:00:41,280 --> 01:00:42,710 Jesus, Craig. 1296 01:00:42,910 --> 01:00:44,230 You look like shit. 1297 01:00:44,430 --> 01:00:45,970 I'm fine. Can it. 1298 01:00:46,170 --> 01:00:47,800 Hey, that's my job. 1299 01:00:48,000 --> 01:00:48,840 Shut up. 1300 01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:49,980 No, you shut up. 1301 01:00:50,180 --> 01:00:51,280 You know what? 1302 01:00:51,480 --> 01:00:53,170 Actually, fuck off. 1303 01:00:54,120 --> 01:00:55,950 Get the fuck out of here! 1304 01:01:01,360 --> 01:01:03,380 Hey, hey. Can I bum one of those? 1305 01:01:03,580 --> 01:01:05,340 Man, I already gave you a whole pack. 1306 01:01:05,540 --> 01:01:07,600 Aren't you supposed to be some sort of hung hotshot? 1307 01:01:07,800 --> 01:01:09,180 He was once. 1308 01:01:09,920 --> 01:01:11,390 But he got fired. 1309 01:01:11,590 --> 01:01:12,830 And I heard 1310 01:01:13,030 --> 01:01:15,040 that while his penis is large, 1311 01:01:15,240 --> 01:01:17,150 it's only slightly above average. 1312 01:01:18,710 --> 01:01:20,880 No. That's not true. 1313 01:01:21,080 --> 01:01:22,760 It's very large! 1314 01:01:23,240 --> 01:01:24,630 Come back! 1315 01:01:26,980 --> 01:01:28,380 Harris. 1316 01:01:29,420 --> 01:01:31,200 I'm worried. 1317 01:01:31,900 --> 01:01:32,980 About us? 1318 01:01:33,180 --> 01:01:34,590 No, not about us. 1319 01:01:34,790 --> 01:01:37,200 We'll be friends, and sometimes we'll fuck. 1320 01:01:37,400 --> 01:01:40,160 Okay, yes, same page, precisely. 1321 01:01:40,360 --> 01:01:43,420 I was talking about the boys. 1322 01:01:43,620 --> 01:01:44,510 Them. 1323 01:01:44,710 --> 01:01:46,350 What are we going to do? 1324 01:01:47,130 --> 01:01:48,340 I don't know. 1325 01:01:48,540 --> 01:01:50,040 Should we drown them in the bathtub 1326 01:01:50,240 --> 01:01:51,830 in the old-fashioned way? 1327 01:01:54,760 --> 01:01:56,130 They didn't drown them. 1328 01:01:56,330 --> 01:01:58,140 They kidnapped them. 1329 01:02:01,360 --> 01:02:03,010 Surprise! 1330 01:02:03,210 --> 01:02:05,660 Mom? Dad? What the fuck? 1331 01:02:05,860 --> 01:02:08,320 - And where's my beard? - Where's my beard? 1332 01:02:08,520 --> 01:02:09,490 Those beards were fucking awesome. 1333 01:02:09,690 --> 01:02:10,750 Yes. 1334 01:02:10,950 --> 01:02:13,020 - No, they were fake. - And shitty looking. 1335 01:02:13,220 --> 01:02:14,580 Exactly. 1336 01:02:14,780 --> 01:02:17,670 Boys, we see now that splitting you up at birth 1337 01:02:17,870 --> 01:02:19,340 was borderline abusive, 1338 01:02:20,040 --> 01:02:22,070 but parenting's hard. 1339 01:02:22,270 --> 01:02:25,200 Everyone makes mistakes, right? 1340 01:02:25,400 --> 01:02:28,070 That's it? That's why you kidnapped us? 1341 01:02:28,270 --> 01:02:31,290 Can you even kidnap an adult? 1342 01:02:31,490 --> 01:02:33,380 - Yes. - Listen, 1343 01:02:33,580 --> 01:02:35,260 we didn't want to be kidnapped, all right? 1344 01:02:35,460 --> 01:02:37,130 - We wanted you to apologize. - Right. 1345 01:02:37,330 --> 01:02:39,090 We are apologizing. 1346 01:02:39,290 --> 01:02:41,480 We're sorry that you're mad at us, 1347 01:02:41,680 --> 01:02:43,570 and we'd rather that you not be. 1348 01:02:43,770 --> 01:02:46,010 You know what? We would love to not be mad at you, 1349 01:02:46,210 --> 01:02:49,490 if you would just do what we want and get married. 1350 01:02:49,690 --> 01:02:52,580 Eat me. Not again. 1351 01:02:52,780 --> 01:02:55,710 You two really are stubborn. 1352 01:02:55,910 --> 01:02:57,020 You two are stubborn. 1353 01:02:57,220 --> 01:02:58,230 Dinnertime. 1354 01:02:58,430 --> 01:03:00,060 - Why won't you change for us? - Yes. 1355 01:03:00,260 --> 01:03:03,640 I don't even know what there is to change. 1356 01:03:04,470 --> 01:03:06,720 This, Dad. Change this. 1357 01:03:06,920 --> 01:03:09,460 Now you've upset them. 1358 01:03:09,660 --> 01:03:11,550 Careful. 1359 01:03:11,750 --> 01:03:13,160 They don't like sudden movements. 1360 01:03:16,150 --> 01:03:18,520 They're out. They're out. Ew, ew, ew! 1361 01:03:18,720 --> 01:03:22,130 Motherfucker! 1362 01:03:22,330 --> 01:03:24,320 Shut up! 1363 01:03:25,100 --> 01:03:27,760 Backpack. Whisper. Dear God, no! 1364 01:03:29,760 --> 01:03:31,240 Sewer Boys. 1365 01:03:31,760 --> 01:03:33,460 My Sewer Boys. 1366 01:03:35,630 --> 01:03:38,450 They've returned to the slimy depths 1367 01:03:38,650 --> 01:03:40,250 from whence they came. 1368 01:03:44,960 --> 01:03:46,280 They've gone down the pipes. 1369 01:03:46,480 --> 01:03:48,080 Back into the sewers. 1370 01:03:48,470 --> 01:03:49,630 I have to go after them. 1371 01:03:49,830 --> 01:03:50,900 Go after them? 1372 01:03:51,100 --> 01:03:53,160 But he's, like, 40 years old, I bet. 1373 01:03:53,360 --> 01:03:55,200 What do we all think of this cape? 1374 01:03:55,400 --> 01:03:56,950 I know, 1375 01:03:57,150 --> 01:03:59,220 it's too drab. I'm gonna go with the Valentino. 1376 01:04:00,050 --> 01:04:03,080 Are you sure this is a good idea? 1377 01:04:03,280 --> 01:04:04,950 Sure as schadenfreude. 1378 01:04:05,150 --> 01:04:06,560 I'm going in. 1379 01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:10,580 A sometimes-gay man all alone in the sewers? 1380 01:04:10,890 --> 01:04:13,270 Seems dangerous. 1381 01:04:13,470 --> 01:04:14,540 It is, 1382 01:04:15,370 --> 01:04:17,070 but those Sewer Boys, 1383 01:04:17,630 --> 01:04:19,110 they're my whole life. 1384 01:04:21,600 --> 01:04:23,020 Au revoir,my dear. 1385 01:04:27,350 --> 01:04:29,800 Goddamn it. 1386 01:04:30,000 --> 01:04:32,430 I just got these pants. 1387 01:04:33,430 --> 01:04:34,980 Come on, Mom, let's get you home. 1388 01:04:35,180 --> 01:04:36,200 But Harris is all alone and... 1389 01:04:36,400 --> 01:04:37,550 Fuck him. 1390 01:04:37,750 --> 01:04:39,470 And what do you care? Don't you have to go back 1391 01:04:39,670 --> 01:04:41,260 to shutting out the entire world? 1392 01:04:42,920 --> 01:04:45,860 I'm 93 1393 01:04:46,060 --> 01:04:49,040 No, 94 1394 01:04:49,240 --> 01:04:52,350 That's not so bad 1395 01:04:52,550 --> 01:04:55,660 I do want 1396 01:04:55,860 --> 01:04:58,750 More 1397 01:05:17,970 --> 01:05:21,600 I'm coming, Harris! 1398 01:05:21,800 --> 01:05:23,290 What the fuck? 1399 01:05:23,490 --> 01:05:24,860 Jesus Christ. 1400 01:05:25,060 --> 01:05:27,600 We're not going in there, right? 1401 01:05:27,800 --> 01:05:29,570 No fucking way. 1402 01:05:33,190 --> 01:05:35,170 - I'm gonna go in. - Okay, then me, too. 1403 01:05:35,370 --> 01:05:37,610 Whee! 1404 01:05:45,720 --> 01:05:47,200 I must run 1405 01:05:47,590 --> 01:05:49,620 To my boys 1406 01:05:49,820 --> 01:05:52,710 I must go I must run to my boys 1407 01:05:52,910 --> 01:05:53,890 Dad! 1408 01:05:54,090 --> 01:05:55,980 My God, they came 1409 01:05:56,180 --> 01:05:57,630 Could it be that I was wrong? 1410 01:05:59,220 --> 01:06:02,080 Was I running from my family all along? 1411 01:06:07,390 --> 01:06:09,120 Harris is so brave 1412 01:06:09,320 --> 01:06:11,210 The boys each found their twin 1413 01:06:11,410 --> 01:06:13,300 These men have charged back in my life 1414 01:06:13,500 --> 01:06:15,560 And changed it from within 1415 01:06:15,760 --> 01:06:17,650 Up is down 1416 01:06:17,850 --> 01:06:19,870 Left is right 1417 01:06:20,070 --> 01:06:22,790 And even underground 1418 01:06:22,990 --> 01:06:25,590 My world feels bright 1419 01:06:29,810 --> 01:06:31,620 I'm sorry we fought 1420 01:06:31,820 --> 01:06:34,020 My God, dude, me, too 1421 01:06:34,220 --> 01:06:37,930 My life's so much better when I am with you 1422 01:06:38,130 --> 01:06:39,930 It's not what I wanted 1423 01:06:40,130 --> 01:06:42,200 And yet, could it be? 1424 01:06:42,400 --> 01:06:45,560 Do we have a family? 1425 01:06:50,440 --> 01:06:51,860 I must run 1426 01:06:52,060 --> 01:06:54,170 - Harris is so brave - You're so fucking awesome 1427 01:06:54,370 --> 01:06:58,000 - Dude, you're awesome, too - My life's so much better 1428 01:06:58,200 --> 01:06:59,650 - When I am with you - These men 1429 01:06:59,850 --> 01:07:01,130 - Have charged back - They're here 1430 01:07:01,330 --> 01:07:02,740 - In my life - I fear that I was wrong 1431 01:07:02,940 --> 01:07:06,000 I've been running from my family all along 1432 01:07:06,200 --> 01:07:07,740 Do we have a family? 1433 01:07:11,410 --> 01:07:13,230 I can't believe 1434 01:07:13,430 --> 01:07:15,230 We are together 1435 01:07:15,430 --> 01:07:16,710 Underneath the city 1436 01:07:16,910 --> 01:07:19,020 Where it smells like piss 1437 01:07:19,220 --> 01:07:20,840 As a unit 1438 01:07:21,040 --> 01:07:23,280 We are so much better 1439 01:07:23,480 --> 01:07:25,950 I never thought it would be like this 1440 01:07:26,340 --> 01:07:28,160 Also, it smells like piss 1441 01:07:28,360 --> 01:07:30,260 It smells like piss 1442 01:07:31,430 --> 01:07:33,030 We're all down here together in the sewer 1443 01:07:33,230 --> 01:07:34,900 And it smells like fucking piss 1444 01:07:37,740 --> 01:07:38,990 Backpack. Whisper. 1445 01:07:39,190 --> 01:07:41,520 Die, Sewer Boys, die. 1446 01:07:41,720 --> 01:07:43,000 Dear God! 1447 01:07:43,200 --> 01:07:45,780 No! 1448 01:07:45,980 --> 01:07:47,520 No!... 1449 01:07:47,720 --> 01:07:49,920 Die, die, die! 1450 01:07:50,120 --> 01:07:51,440 God. 1451 01:07:51,640 --> 01:07:53,490 Okay. All right, all right, all right, 1452 01:07:53,690 --> 01:07:54,970 all right, all right. 1453 01:07:57,300 --> 01:08:00,940 Mama's gonna need you to be brave, baby girl. 1454 01:08:01,900 --> 01:08:04,120 I know, I know, 1455 01:08:04,550 --> 01:08:06,190 but you got this. 1456 01:08:06,390 --> 01:08:07,460 All right. 1457 01:08:26,490 --> 01:08:27,560 Ooh! 1458 01:08:27,760 --> 01:08:29,000 My God. 1459 01:08:29,200 --> 01:08:32,530 Eat my snatch, you government piece of shit. 1460 01:08:32,730 --> 01:08:34,570 Are you all right? 1461 01:08:34,770 --> 01:08:37,620 Jesus, Mom, your pussy saved the day. 1462 01:08:37,820 --> 01:08:39,310 Backpack. Whisper. 1463 01:08:43,780 --> 01:08:46,370 Wait a minute, are those... 1464 01:08:46,570 --> 01:08:48,410 their parents? 1465 01:08:48,610 --> 01:08:51,600 They're so fake and shitty looking. 1466 01:08:52,650 --> 01:08:54,690 All right, 1467 01:08:55,130 --> 01:08:56,160 let's grab the little abortions 1468 01:08:56,360 --> 01:08:57,520 and get the fuck out of here. 1469 01:09:00,570 --> 01:09:01,650 No. 1470 01:09:02,740 --> 01:09:04,770 - Let them stay. - What? 1471 01:09:04,970 --> 01:09:06,210 But you love them. 1472 01:09:06,410 --> 01:09:07,440 I do, 1473 01:09:08,310 --> 01:09:09,910 but they deserve to be with their family. 1474 01:09:12,290 --> 01:09:13,190 And... 1475 01:09:14,010 --> 01:09:15,710 maybe when they're gone... 1476 01:09:17,190 --> 01:09:19,140 I'll finally have time to be with mine. 1477 01:09:19,340 --> 01:09:25,060 Aw... 1478 01:09:25,260 --> 01:09:26,580 - Does he mean us? - Yeah. 1479 01:09:26,780 --> 01:09:28,200 - I think he means us. - Good. Okay. 1480 01:09:28,590 --> 01:09:30,060 Goodbye, Backpack. 1481 01:09:30,260 --> 01:09:32,290 - Bye. - Goodbye, Whisper. 1482 01:09:33,160 --> 01:09:35,640 Goodbye, Daddy. 1483 01:09:41,130 --> 01:09:42,830 Take care of yourselves. 1484 01:09:50,310 --> 01:09:53,450 Boys, I... I'm-I'm so sorry. 1485 01:09:54,450 --> 01:09:55,700 I was wrong. 1486 01:09:55,900 --> 01:09:57,090 And I was wrong. 1487 01:09:57,290 --> 01:09:58,740 We were wrong, too. 1488 01:09:58,940 --> 01:10:00,480 Big hug? 1489 01:10:00,680 --> 01:10:01,960 - Yeah. - Big hug. 1490 01:10:02,160 --> 01:10:03,140 Family hug. 1491 01:10:03,340 --> 01:10:04,400 And so the twins 1492 01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,100 finally got the family 1493 01:10:06,300 --> 01:10:07,890 they never knew they wanted. 1494 01:10:15,250 --> 01:10:17,020 They even decided to move in together, 1495 01:10:17,220 --> 01:10:19,890 to a little shitbox on the Lower East Side. 1496 01:10:26,260 --> 01:10:27,600 No. 1497 01:10:27,800 --> 01:10:29,220 No, I don't want... 1498 01:10:29,920 --> 01:10:30,990 Whatever. 1499 01:10:31,190 --> 01:10:33,080 No, not me. I can't. 1500 01:10:36,630 --> 01:10:38,960 - Craig, what's wrong? - Trevor, what's wrong? 1501 01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:40,780 I was having a nightmare. 1502 01:10:40,980 --> 01:10:43,090 - A nightmare I was gay. - Me, too. 1503 01:10:43,290 --> 01:10:45,480 I was having a gay nightmare, and I was gay in it. 1504 01:10:45,680 --> 01:10:48,140 Come here. I got you. 1505 01:10:48,340 --> 01:10:50,360 - You're not gay. - You're not gay either. 1506 01:10:50,560 --> 01:10:51,760 I've got you. 1507 01:10:57,960 --> 01:10:59,860 - What is it? - I don't know. 1508 01:11:00,340 --> 01:11:03,280 I guess I just thought that if I got everything I ever wanted 1509 01:11:03,480 --> 01:11:05,200 - I'd somehow feel... - Complete? 1510 01:11:05,400 --> 01:11:07,640 Yeah, but I guess I still feel... 1511 01:11:07,840 --> 01:11:09,940 - Empty inside? - Yeah. 1512 01:11:10,140 --> 01:11:11,210 It's like I just wish there was... 1513 01:11:11,410 --> 01:11:12,470 Someone who has gone through 1514 01:11:12,670 --> 01:11:13,600 exactly what you've gone through 1515 01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:15,210 and know exactly how you feel? 1516 01:11:15,410 --> 01:11:16,660 My God, 1517 01:11:17,090 --> 01:11:18,870 I do have that person. 1518 01:11:19,070 --> 01:11:20,690 - That person is... - Me. 1519 01:11:20,890 --> 01:11:23,440 No. I was gonna say "you." 1520 01:11:23,640 --> 01:11:26,740 But, Trevor, when you say "you," 1521 01:11:26,940 --> 01:11:28,540 it means "me." 1522 01:11:29,670 --> 01:11:30,760 I... 1523 01:11:31,240 --> 01:11:32,940 I love you, Craig. 1524 01:11:34,500 --> 01:11:36,490 I love you, too, Trevor. 1525 01:12:02,850 --> 01:12:04,530 Yeah! 1526 01:12:09,840 --> 01:12:11,960 Aw, fuck! 1527 01:12:12,160 --> 01:12:14,660 Yeah! 1528 01:12:23,220 --> 01:12:26,210 What the fuck? 1529 01:12:33,400 --> 01:12:35,590 - My God. - Wow. 1530 01:12:37,970 --> 01:12:40,730 - That was so hot. - That was so hot. 1531 01:12:40,930 --> 01:12:43,560 And easy. Everything made sense and was comfortable. 1532 01:12:43,760 --> 01:12:45,260 Easy, easy. 1533 01:12:45,460 --> 01:12:47,260 - Anal's easy. - Anal is easy. 1534 01:12:47,460 --> 01:12:49,300 It takes no practice to learn. 1535 01:12:49,500 --> 01:12:50,520 I didn't douche. Did you douche? 1536 01:12:50,720 --> 01:12:52,480 I didn't. No. I don't know what douching is. 1537 01:12:52,680 --> 01:12:53,760 Yeah. 1538 01:12:56,510 --> 01:12:57,960 So, then after cumming, 1539 01:12:58,160 --> 01:12:59,980 we laid there cuddling all night. 1540 01:13:00,330 --> 01:13:02,400 - It was beautiful. - I feel so lucky 1541 01:13:02,600 --> 01:13:05,060 to have found the only person in the whole world 1542 01:13:05,260 --> 01:13:07,280 who is as smart, awesome, 1543 01:13:07,480 --> 01:13:09,320 big-dicked, and smart as me. 1544 01:13:09,520 --> 01:13:10,980 And as fate would have it, 1545 01:13:11,180 --> 01:13:13,280 the person most like me 1546 01:13:13,480 --> 01:13:15,980 is my identical twin. Crazy. 1547 01:13:16,180 --> 01:13:17,640 - Crazy. - It's crazy. 1548 01:13:17,840 --> 01:13:19,330 - It's crazy. - Crazy. 1549 01:13:19,530 --> 01:13:20,680 - Babe, look at me. - Yeah? 1550 01:13:20,880 --> 01:13:22,950 - It's crazy. - I'm sorry, I just... 1551 01:13:23,150 --> 01:13:24,920 I find this so moving. 1552 01:13:25,700 --> 01:13:27,650 Okay, if anyone has any reason 1553 01:13:27,850 --> 01:13:29,650 this couple should not be wed, 1554 01:13:29,850 --> 01:13:31,690 speak now or forever hold your... 1555 01:13:37,360 --> 01:13:39,310 This is not what the Bible says. 1556 01:13:39,510 --> 01:13:41,050 What the fuck? 1557 01:13:41,250 --> 01:13:43,270 You do the math. This don't work. 1558 01:13:43,470 --> 01:13:46,420 Stop, stop, stop, you fucking assholes! 1559 01:13:46,630 --> 01:13:49,100 I command you. 1560 01:13:49,300 --> 01:13:52,370 - Why should we listen to you? - Yeah! 1561 01:13:52,570 --> 01:13:56,380 Because I am God! 1562 01:14:13,490 --> 01:14:16,300 Now listen and listen good, 1563 01:14:16,500 --> 01:14:17,700 you self-righteous, 1564 01:14:17,900 --> 01:14:20,130 judgmental flops. 1565 01:14:20,330 --> 01:14:22,450 Two twin brothers marrying each other, 1566 01:14:22,840 --> 01:14:24,620 it sounds like an abomination, 1567 01:14:24,820 --> 01:14:26,850 and yet, it's not. 1568 01:14:27,720 --> 01:14:30,930 Because love in all its forms, 1569 01:14:31,130 --> 01:14:34,840 is a divine thing given to you by me, 1570 01:14:35,040 --> 01:14:38,060 who, again, is God. 1571 01:14:38,260 --> 01:14:40,810 But, Father, they're fucking twins. 1572 01:14:41,010 --> 01:14:42,390 Is that Sister Tammy? 1573 01:14:43,080 --> 01:14:45,200 You shouldn't judge. 1574 01:14:45,400 --> 01:14:47,200 An apple a day keeps the doctor away, 1575 01:14:47,400 --> 01:14:49,990 but cum ain't apples. 1576 01:14:50,190 --> 01:14:51,600 - Gross! - Who is? 1577 01:14:51,800 --> 01:14:53,080 They are. 1578 01:14:53,280 --> 01:14:55,210 I don't do any of that nasty stuff. 1579 01:14:55,410 --> 01:14:58,040 I only have procreative sex with my wife. 1580 01:14:58,240 --> 01:15:00,130 - Yeah! - Lights off, eyes closed, 1581 01:15:00,330 --> 01:15:02,000 just as you intended, my Lord. 1582 01:15:02,200 --> 01:15:05,050 Don't put that shit on me, Steve. 1583 01:15:05,250 --> 01:15:08,180 Fucked up men, Yes, men, 1584 01:15:08,380 --> 01:15:10,790 took my words and changed the meaning. 1585 01:15:10,990 --> 01:15:14,880 I mean, you sticking your sloppy hard wiener 1586 01:15:15,080 --> 01:15:17,580 into your wife's wet hole? 1587 01:15:17,780 --> 01:15:19,670 That's disgusting, too. 1588 01:15:19,870 --> 01:15:22,060 Well, goddamn, if he ain't right about that. 1589 01:15:22,260 --> 01:15:23,110 When he explained it like that, 1590 01:15:23,310 --> 01:15:24,500 - I got it. - I never thought of it 1591 01:15:24,700 --> 01:15:26,200 - in that way. - I mean, it makes sense. 1592 01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:27,850 Look at these twins. 1593 01:15:28,050 --> 01:15:30,770 They're vile. Misogynists. 1594 01:15:30,970 --> 01:15:32,680 Pigs. Perverts. 1595 01:15:32,880 --> 01:15:35,380 - Depraved little sex pests... - Okay, we get it, God. 1596 01:15:35,580 --> 01:15:37,050 Yeah, relax, God. 1597 01:15:37,920 --> 01:15:39,910 But they love themselves, 1598 01:15:40,110 --> 01:15:42,530 in every sense of the word. 1599 01:15:43,100 --> 01:15:45,390 That's why I brought them together, 1600 01:15:45,590 --> 01:15:47,090 to teach you 1601 01:15:47,290 --> 01:15:50,060 that all love is love. 1602 01:15:51,280 --> 01:15:53,540 Damn, this story ended up good. 1603 01:15:54,280 --> 01:15:58,270 Fuck it, I'm putting this one in the Bible. 1604 01:16:02,900 --> 01:16:04,420 Harris. 1605 01:16:05,600 --> 01:16:08,330 We share a love 1606 01:16:08,530 --> 01:16:11,260 That can't be ignored 1607 01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:14,070 A love sent to us 1608 01:16:14,270 --> 01:16:15,770 From our holy fucking Lord 1609 01:16:15,970 --> 01:16:17,310 This guy. 1610 01:16:17,610 --> 01:16:20,430 I have no pussy 1611 01:16:20,630 --> 01:16:23,520 And I'm straight and gay 1612 01:16:23,720 --> 01:16:26,170 People may judge us 1613 01:16:26,370 --> 01:16:32,280 But this is what we'll say 1614 01:16:32,710 --> 01:16:35,320 All love is love 1615 01:16:35,670 --> 01:16:38,330 Even when it's ugly 1616 01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:41,490 All love is love 1617 01:16:41,690 --> 01:16:44,500 Even when it's wrong 1618 01:16:44,700 --> 01:16:47,240 All love is love 1619 01:16:47,440 --> 01:16:52,240 Like a woman who fucks men made out of sand 1620 01:16:52,440 --> 01:16:54,940 All love is gross 1621 01:16:55,140 --> 01:16:58,200 But all love is love 1622 01:16:58,400 --> 01:17:00,380 You are my brother 1623 01:17:00,580 --> 01:17:03,830 My family, my kin 1624 01:17:04,180 --> 01:17:06,650 We share a bond 1625 01:17:06,850 --> 01:17:10,040 That comes from deep within 1626 01:17:10,240 --> 01:17:12,090 But our love has grown 1627 01:17:12,290 --> 01:17:15,700 Now it's ancient and divine 1628 01:17:15,900 --> 01:17:18,400 We'll fuck each other's assholes 1629 01:17:18,600 --> 01:17:24,680 Till we can't tell yours from mine 1630 01:17:25,200 --> 01:17:27,730 All love is love 1631 01:17:28,250 --> 01:17:31,370 Even when it's ugly 1632 01:17:31,570 --> 01:17:34,020 All love is love 1633 01:17:34,220 --> 01:17:37,460 Even when it's wrong 1634 01:17:37,660 --> 01:17:39,510 All love is love 1635 01:17:39,710 --> 01:17:43,820 Like a man who gets a blow job from a horse 1636 01:17:44,020 --> 01:17:47,430 - Wow. - All love is gross 1637 01:17:47,630 --> 01:17:50,570 But all love is love 1638 01:17:53,500 --> 01:17:56,220 I now pronounce these twin brothers 1639 01:17:56,420 --> 01:17:57,610 legally married. 1640 01:18:02,600 --> 01:18:04,760 That's got to be a first. That's got to be a first. 1641 01:18:05,460 --> 01:18:07,320 God loves all of you 1642 01:18:07,520 --> 01:18:09,720 because God is all of you. 1643 01:18:10,330 --> 01:18:12,580 God is man and woman. 1644 01:18:12,780 --> 01:18:15,110 God is Black and white. 1645 01:18:15,310 --> 01:18:17,590 God is straight and gay. 1646 01:18:17,790 --> 01:18:19,760 What, hold on, what? You're gay? 1647 01:18:19,960 --> 01:18:21,290 Yeah, obviously... 1648 01:18:21,490 --> 01:18:23,200 ...amongst other things, but my point is that... 1649 01:18:23,400 --> 01:18:25,430 No, totally, we hear you. God is gay. 1650 01:18:27,000 --> 01:18:31,690 All love is love All love is love 1651 01:18:31,890 --> 01:18:34,080 God is a faggot 1652 01:18:34,280 --> 01:18:35,610 And all love is love 1653 01:18:35,810 --> 01:18:36,910 That's not exactly my point. 1654 01:18:37,110 --> 01:18:41,700 All love is love All love is love 1655 01:18:41,900 --> 01:18:46,620 God is a faggot and all love is love 1656 01:18:46,820 --> 01:18:51,320 All love is love All love is love 1657 01:18:51,520 --> 01:18:55,450 God is a faggot and all love is love 1658 01:18:55,650 --> 01:18:56,630 Everybody! 1659 01:18:58,130 --> 01:18:59,210 Sing along! 1660 01:19:00,470 --> 01:19:01,600 Can't hear you. 1661 01:19:02,780 --> 01:19:04,170 You're a bigot! 1662 01:19:06,130 --> 01:19:08,290 - All love is love - That's what I said. 1663 01:19:08,490 --> 01:19:10,160 - All love is love - GOD: Even incest. 1664 01:19:10,360 --> 01:19:12,120 - All love is love - GOD: Love a fruit. 1665 01:19:12,320 --> 01:19:13,380 All love is love 1666 01:19:13,580 --> 01:19:15,430 - Hallelujah! - All love is love 1667 01:19:15,630 --> 01:19:17,300 - All love is love - All love is love 1668 01:19:17,500 --> 01:19:18,430 All love is love 1669 01:19:18,630 --> 01:19:20,300 All love is love- 1670 01:19:20,500 --> 01:19:22,390 - All love is love - God is a faggot 1671 01:19:22,590 --> 01:19:24,570 - All love is love - Sing God is a faggot 1672 01:19:24,770 --> 01:19:26,960 - All love is love - God is a faggot 1673 01:19:27,160 --> 01:19:28,140 - All love is love - Yeah 1674 01:19:28,340 --> 01:19:29,620 All love is love 1675 01:19:29,820 --> 01:19:30,840 Yay, yeah! 1676 01:19:36,810 --> 01:19:38,410 Check out the New New Testament. 1677 01:19:38,610 --> 01:19:40,020 Coming this Christmas. 1678 01:19:40,220 --> 01:19:42,850 And all love 1679 01:19:43,050 --> 01:19:45,980 Is love 1680 01:19:54,970 --> 01:19:57,600 The end. 1681 01:20:05,160 --> 01:20:06,650 - Surprise! - Surprise! 1682 01:20:06,850 --> 01:20:08,840 I looked right into camera. 1683 01:20:17,720 --> 01:20:19,550 It doesn't really go in there. 1684 01:20:21,870 --> 01:20:23,120 - Spit it? - Yeah. 1685 01:20:33,610 --> 01:20:35,300 Yes, we can. 1686 01:20:43,140 --> 01:20:45,620 Whatever. Y'all fucked up. 1687 01:20:48,940 --> 01:20:52,050 Kids, listen, we love you, but 1688 01:20:52,250 --> 01:20:56,620 we will never... get married. 1689 01:20:58,690 --> 01:20:59,720 Mom? 1690 01:21:05,460 --> 01:21:07,580 Let's go home and discuss it? 1691 01:21:07,780 --> 01:21:09,850 Let's go home and get in the bed 1692 01:21:10,050 --> 01:21:11,590 and discuss it in my puss. 1693 01:21:15,690 --> 01:21:18,120 ...if you do what we want and get married. 1694 01:21:18,320 --> 01:21:20,210 For fuck's sake. 1695 01:21:20,410 --> 01:21:21,510 Eat me. 1696 01:21:26,220 --> 01:21:28,210 Tiddles. Titties. Craig. 1697 01:21:28,410 --> 01:21:30,690 Trevor Brock. My two top salesmen. 1698 01:21:30,890 --> 01:21:32,830 I feel like it says "Titties." I keep forgetting. 1699 01:21:45,810 --> 01:21:49,100 Of all the humiliations I've had in show business, 1700 01:21:49,300 --> 01:21:50,710 and they are legion, 1701 01:21:50,910 --> 01:21:53,410 this may be the most humiliating moment... 1702 01:21:53,610 --> 01:21:55,540 ...I've ever had. 1703 01:22:06,060 --> 01:22:07,180 Set. 1704 01:22:08,740 --> 01:22:10,600 My prize pig. 1705 01:22:10,800 --> 01:22:11,870 I wanna be a prize pig. 1706 01:22:12,070 --> 01:22:13,300 Hey, baby, 1707 01:22:13,500 --> 01:22:16,090 you could be a prize pig in my bed when I fuck you. 1708 01:22:21,800 --> 01:22:23,890 Okay. 1709 01:22:25,500 --> 01:22:26,980 My God. 1710 01:22:28,330 --> 01:22:29,850 My God. 1711 01:22:30,900 --> 01:22:34,340 I am the lady, the bitch, the boss, rich... 1712 01:22:34,730 --> 01:22:36,370 Don't put a gender on my title. 1713 01:22:36,570 --> 01:22:38,020 Yeah, and, lady, I'm Craig, so... 1714 01:22:38,220 --> 01:22:40,120 Lady? Yes, um, well... 1715 01:22:40,470 --> 01:22:42,070 I forgot what the fuck I was supposed to say. 1716 01:22:44,400 --> 01:22:45,810 This time, let's improvise. 1717 01:22:46,010 --> 01:22:47,900 God, no. 1718 01:22:48,100 --> 01:22:49,730 That's-that's bad. 1719 01:22:49,930 --> 01:22:51,990 'Cause then it's just a lot of potty talk. 1720 01:22:52,190 --> 01:22:53,990 - Mom! - Dad! 1721 01:22:54,190 --> 01:22:55,690 - Dad? - Mommy! 1722 01:22:55,890 --> 01:22:56,840 Cut! 1723 01:22:58,620 --> 01:23:00,520 I hope he's a big macho guy like me. 1724 01:23:00,720 --> 01:23:03,350 Um, yeah, listen, I would love to talk about that, obviously, 1725 01:23:03,550 --> 01:23:05,610 but this is actually Mom's house, so I got to go now. 1726 01:23:05,810 --> 01:23:06,790 God! 1727 01:23:09,080 --> 01:23:11,010 Okay, bye-bye. 1728 01:23:11,210 --> 01:23:12,490 Yeah, that's good, but I think 1729 01:23:12,690 --> 01:23:14,450 also maybe a little more open-handed, if possible. 1730 01:23:14,650 --> 01:23:15,760 - Okay. - Yeah, like that. 1731 01:23:15,960 --> 01:23:17,190 - That's good. Okay, good. - Yeah. God. 1732 01:23:17,390 --> 01:23:18,410 - Thank you. - God. 1733 01:23:18,610 --> 01:23:19,630 - God... - God. 1734 01:23:19,830 --> 01:23:21,070 Open-handed pussy. 1735 01:23:28,580 --> 01:23:30,860 Hop on. 1736 01:23:31,060 --> 01:23:32,210 Yeah, get right under here, 1737 01:23:32,410 --> 01:23:33,820 - you'll feel much better. - Okay. 1738 01:23:38,700 --> 01:23:40,620 Shh. 1739 01:23:45,580 --> 01:23:47,280 Shh. 1740 01:23:48,320 --> 01:23:50,090 - I loved a girl some... - Shh. 1741 01:23:54,200 --> 01:23:57,100 Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. 1742 01:23:57,300 --> 01:23:59,490 Single-parent homes are not families, that's true. 1743 01:23:59,690 --> 01:24:02,730 Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. Fuck! 1744 01:24:06,660 --> 01:24:09,940 That's-that's my other autobiography title. 1745 01:24:10,140 --> 01:24:12,120 "Fresh bag of ham." 1746 01:24:12,320 --> 01:24:15,680 No! No! 1747 01:24:15,880 --> 01:24:17,700 No! 1748 01:24:18,700 --> 01:24:21,300 Surprise, I'm in this movie. 1749 01:24:23,460 --> 01:24:27,040 I do want 1750 01:24:27,240 --> 01:24:29,790 More... 1751 01:24:29,990 --> 01:24:33,050 Sorry. My God, I'm so sorry. 1752 01:24:33,250 --> 01:24:34,630 And cut. 1753 01:26:02,540 --> 01:26:06,530 It's a gay old life 1754 01:26:06,730 --> 01:26:12,060 - Being queer - I have no pussy