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Music: "My way" by frank Sinatra

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♪ and now ♪

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♪ the end is near ♪

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♪ and so I face ♪

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♪ the final curtain... ♪

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Ow! What the hell?
— walk it off, lululemon.

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♪ ...I'll say it clear ♪

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♪ I'll state my case ♪

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♪ of which I'm certain ♪

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♪ I've lived ♪

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♪ a life that's full ♪

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♪ I travelled each and... ♪

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"Live every day like it's your last."
Bite me. I'MMA live forever, bitch.

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Ma'am? It's 132.21.

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So, big plans this weekend?
— yep.

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I'm gonna sit alone in my house
watching wedding fails on YouTube

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drinking margaritas
through a twizzler straw

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until I pass out on top of my vibrator.

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Hi there. Do you have a second
to talk about the environment?

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No. Buzz off, whale—humper.

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You know, I see you here all the time,
and you're always mean to me

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and it really hurts my feelings.

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It does? Because the minute
you're out of my line of sight

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I literally forget you exist.

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Watch. You exist... you don't exist.

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You're bothering me...
Don't care if you die. See?

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Why are you like this?

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Excuse me? Why am I like this?

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You don't know me, dude.
You don't know what I'm like.

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Look what you made me do, jagoff.
— ♪ I did it my... ♪

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Woman: Oh my god, look out!

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Uh—oh. — ♪ ...Way ♪

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Oh, good, you're awake.

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Can I ask you a question
about where we're going?

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Sure.

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Where are we going? I forgot.

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We're going somewhere
that's not the good place

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and it's not the bad place.

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We're going to a medium place.

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Hm, is there a 7—eleven on the way?

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Cos Janet's powers aren't working

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and I want some gum
and some football cards

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and some scratchy tickets.

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Go away from me. — ok.

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Can this train go any faster, Janet?

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No pressure, but Jason and I
will literally be tortured

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for all of eternity if we get caught.

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Don't worry, there's no way to tell
we're going to mindy St. Claire's house.

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It'll be our sexy little secret.

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Jason taught me about sexy things.

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Oh yeah?
What things did he say were sexy?

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Lamborghinis, cool snakes,
spinning rims

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20,000 followers on Instagram,
girls with pigtails eating lollipops

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latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads and sex.

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Hm. Some of those are right.

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I'm here to preside
over case number 00003

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regarding the soul of Eleanor shellstrop.

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The bad place has sent bad Janet
to present their argument.

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Low chime — what up, dingdongs?

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Yeah, so basically, um,
the fake Eleanor's a dirtbag

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and these jabron/'s are gonna try and claim
she's less of a dirtbag now

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but she just stole your train,
and she still sucks bad.

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And she belongs with us.

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Oh, also, check this out.

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Farts loudly

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nailed it.

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Low chiming

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I've ruled the fart inadmissible
as evidence.

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What I will consider
is the recent development

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of Eleanor stealing my train.

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Now, hold on a second.

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She stole your train
to voluntarily go down to the bad place.

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She was sacrificing herself
because she is a wonderful, selfless...

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No, don't... oh.

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What's happening?
— I should have warned you.

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Shawn only cares about cold hard facts.

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If he detects any feelings in your voice,
he retreats into a cocoon

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so what we need to do now
is just be very still...

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Whispers: And very quiet.

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Finally!

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Michael: Oh, come...
Chidi: What did he just say?

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Oh, because you're all so perfect.

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Eleanor murmurs: Wow.

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This is truly...

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Nothing.

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So where does this mindy St. Claire live?
Janet: I don't know.

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I'm out of range of our neighbourhood. I
don't have any of my normal abilities here.

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Perfect.

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Well, let's try this way.

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Ooh, I've never had to walk before.
This is fun.

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Now I'm bored. Walking is dumb.

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Well, given that she's the only person
in the neighbourhood

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I'm guessing this is the pl...
Oh! She's naked!

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Oh, sorry!

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Who are you?

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I'm Janet.

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Hello, mindy. My name is beadle.

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I'm from the good place

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and welcome to your first day
in the afterlife.

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What's up, idiots?

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Sorry I'm late, babe.
Hey, are you pregnant?

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She sighs: That's not possible.
— congrats.

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Yeah, so, mindy, look.

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You mostly sucked,
but then you did this one good thing.

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I mean, / still think we should get you...

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They didn't, but neither did we.

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A compromise was made:

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The neighbourhood you are in now
by yourself.

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You submitted
a list of things you wanted.

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The good place provided those things.

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Yeah, and the bad place
made some modifications.

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We got you your favourite beer.
— yeah, but it's always warm.

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On your jukebox,
you'll find every song ever sung.

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Yeah, by the eagles,
and it's only the live versions.

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Also, there '3 some spoken word poetry
from William sha tner.

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It's deeply terrible.

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Beadle: You get the idea.
Welcome to eternal mediocrity.

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Welcome to the medium place.

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So what's up? What's your deal?
Are you single? What's going on?

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Sorry about before.

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One of the perks of living alone
is that I get to just walk around naked.

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Laughing: My kind of gal.

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And I gotta say, you keep it toight.

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Oh, that is the nicest and only thing
anyone has said to me in 30 years.

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So tell us everything.
I mean, what did you do to end up here?

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That's kind of a long story.

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You're gonna need a drink or three.

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Definitely my kind of gal.
— you guys have fun.

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This is me and Janet's honeymoon

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so we're gonna go try and figure out
how to have sex.

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So I was a hotshot corporate lawyer
in the 1980s.

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I only cared about making money
and doing cocaine.

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And I was pretty crappy to my family
as well.

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But, one night, I had an epiphany, right?

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I needed to do something good
with my life

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so I drew up plans for this foundation
that would help kids all over the world

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would advance human rights,
revolutionise agriculture

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and just improve every nation
and every society in every possible way.

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You were pretty coked up, huh?
— oh, yeah, man. I was flying high.

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It was so awesome.

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But, you're not gonna believe this:
I followed through.

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Yeah, I woke up the next morning

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I went straight to the bank,
I withdrew my life savings

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and I was gonna start that charity.

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Good for you!

146
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And then I immediately fell
into subway tracks

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and was electrocuted by the third rail.
— ooh.

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Honestly, not the type of rail
I thought was gonna kill me.

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Cos I love cocaine.

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Do you have any?
I'm just... I shouldn't... do you?

151
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No. — oh, yeah.

152
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I mean, I was just... I was just kidding.
It was just a joke.

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I mean, who would want to do cocaine
right now?

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Silence

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Are you ok?
— anyway, so after I died

156
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uh, my sister found my plan

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and she used my money to start
the mindy St. Claire rescue alliance, yeah.

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It's actually the largest
relief aid charity in the world.

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Oh, so the question was

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did you get credit
for all those good person points or not?

161
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Exactly.

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I don't know how long my case was pending
or whatever

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but when I woke up

164
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the two sides had been fighting about me
for along time.

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Like a stripper
over that last bump of coke at the party

166
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if you know what I mean.
— she laughs

167
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:10,532
but anyway, they finally came
to this compromise, you know?

168
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Well, it beats being tortured.

169
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Mindy: Mm.
— I was about to turn myself in.

170
00:08:14,869 --> 00:08:20,000
No. Yeah, there's no time
for that morality nonsense, sweetheart.

171
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This is about survival.

172
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You gotta look out for number one.

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Right, well, we don't have proof
that it doesn't cure Alzheimer's.

174
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Eleanor, we've got a surprise for you.

175
00:08:32,137 --> 00:08:33,972
Yeah, thanks, but I brought my own cake.

176
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Oh, I know you've only worked here
a few weeks

177
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but we have this little office tradition
where we all pitch in, and then we...

178
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Yeah, no, I get it.
It's just, I know what kind of cake I like.

179
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Plus, it's Lisa's birthday next week,
and if I let you give me a cake

180
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that means I gotta pitch in
to get Lisa a cake, and sing to her

181
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and wear one of those dumb hats
you all are wearing right now.

182
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No, thanks.

183
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,659
This way, I don't owe you anything,
you don't owe me anything.

184
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Later.

185
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What were we talking about?

186
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What is her deal? Why is she like this?

187
00:09:01,583 --> 00:09:04,711
I don't know, but the meaner she is,
the more it turns me on.

188
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:06,504
Is that weird? — you're my boss.

189
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,423
Oh, say that to me again

190
00:09:08,506 --> 00:09:10,508
but more disgusted with me,
like I'm a worm.

191
00:09:12,427 --> 00:09:13,511
Whoosh

192
00:09:13,595 --> 00:09:15,513
Eleanor was supposed to be
in the bad place

193
00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:16,806
arrived here by accident

194
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,601
assumed another person's identity
and has now escaped.

195
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,020
Is that the whole story?

196
00:09:22,479 --> 00:09:26,191
Well, no.
Someone else was sent here by mistake.

197
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,318
His name is Jason mendoza

198
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,361
and I believe he's on the train
with Eleanor.

199
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:31,946
You knew about Jason?

200
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:36,159
Yes, I know that he's a fake,
and that he's married to Janet

201
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:38,244
and that this entire neighbourhood is...

202
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,080
What's the human expression?

203
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:43,374
Ah, yes, a smokin' hot turd.

204
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,710
Shawn: I will deal
with Jason mendoza later.

205
00:09:45,794 --> 00:09:47,253
For now, I will hear your arguments

206
00:09:47,337 --> 00:09:50,131
for why fake Eleanor shellstrop
should stay in the good place.

207
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:53,551
We can do this,
but we must remain emotionless.

208
00:09:53,635 --> 00:09:56,846
I'm talking Kristen Stewart
on a red carpet level of emotionless here

209
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:57,972
all right?

210
00:09:58,973 --> 00:09:59,973
Begin.

211
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:03,061
Robotically: Eleanor dedicated herself
to the study of ethics.

212
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:05,480
I was blown away by her capacity
for self—improvement.

213
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,190
Deadpan:
Eleanor is a magnificent person

214
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:08,959
who has grown tremendously
in her time here.

215
00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,860
Deadpan:
Please, I'm begging you. Please.

216
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:13,321
Robotically:
Voluntarily heading to the bad place

217
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:15,406
proves that she is a selfless person.

218
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:18,660
Sorry. I'm getting choked up.

219
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,372
Yes, voluntarily sacrificing herself

220
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:25,041
and heading to the bad place
would be a point in her favour.

221
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,565
However, I've just received word
that Eleanor is not currently

222
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,670
in the bad place.

223
00:10:28,753 --> 00:10:30,296
We have no idea where she is.

224
00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:32,048
Well, what the fork! — what?

225
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,174
Chidi sighs

226
00:10:36,219 --> 00:10:37,971
I will now review Eleanor's memories.

227
00:10:38,263 --> 00:10:40,807
Her memories?
As in, all the things she's done on earth?

228
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:43,434
Mm—hm. — perhaps we
could take a little break first.

229
00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:45,958
You know, we've been at it for a while,
and you must be tired.

230
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:48,523
I've been asleep in goo
for the last 29 years, so I'm good.

231
00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,025
Call up the screen
for fake Eleanor shellstrop, please.

232
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,405
Where should we begin,
"waiters screamed at"

233
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:57,991
or "cyberbullying of pregnant woman
from spin class"?

234
00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,417
Hey, you wanna grab a drink or something?

235
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,712
Uh, no, I kind of have
my own private time routine.

236
00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,315
I thought you'd want company
after being here alone for so long.

237
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:16,009
No. — ok, I get it.

238
00:11:16,885 --> 00:11:18,219
Hey, uh, where did you get that?

239
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,263
That's not one of my books.

240
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,016
I only have Anne rice vampire novels
with water stains

241
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:25,476
and I've cut words out of most of them
to make pornography.

242
00:11:25,560 --> 00:11:28,730
My friend in the good place gave it to me
when he was teaching me ethics.

243
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,148
It reminds me of him.

244
00:11:30,231 --> 00:11:33,943
Look, if you wanna survive,
you have to forget what you left behind.

245
00:11:34,027 --> 00:11:36,112
Take that whole experience,
crumple it up

246
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:37,989
throw it in the garbage can.

247
00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:41,326
Ok.

248
00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,409
Instead of reading

249
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:46,998
I will watch
this vhs copy of cannonball run ll.

250
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:51,544
Or maybe
the making of cannonball run ll.

251
00:11:51,961 --> 00:11:53,796
Wow. Very medium.

252
00:11:54,088 --> 00:11:55,131
Yeah.

253
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:57,926
Hey, you two lovebirds
figure out how to have sex yet?

254
00:11:58,176 --> 00:11:59,761
No. We tried for two hours

255
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,430
but there was just a lot of,
like, bumping into each other.

256
00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:03,765
It was weird.

257
00:12:06,893 --> 00:12:11,356
Ouiero agradecer/es a mis
padres por este dl'a tan especial y...

258
00:12:11,439 --> 00:12:12,899
Air horn blares

259
00:12:13,441 --> 00:12:15,360
this ain't your bar mitzvah anymore, bitch.

260
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:18,613
It's my 24th birthday! What!

261
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:20,114
Hot tiara, girl.

262
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:23,636
Shawn: That was "the crashing
and subsequent destruction

263
00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:25,495
of Vanessa Garcia's ouinceafiera”.

264
00:12:25,620 --> 00:12:26,955
Let's move on to another event.

265
00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,375
"Heckling of Mali santas"?

266
00:12:30,708 --> 00:12:33,878
"Lifetime ban from build—a—bear workshop"?

267
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:37,715
"Brief Instagram flirtation with kid rock"?
Oh no.

268
00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,426
This is getting away from us.
We need to do something quickly.

269
00:12:41,219 --> 00:12:45,098
Yeah, uh... uh, judge, request permission
to speak somewhat emotionally?

270
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:46,432
Ugh. Fine.

271
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:50,311
Dramamine. Helps with the nausea. Proceed.

272
00:12:50,853 --> 00:12:54,482
Look, I know, obviously,
these memories aren't great.

273
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:57,986
I was particularly disturbed
by "started fire in mailbox

274
00:12:58,069 --> 00:12:59,988
to get mailman to take off shirt"

275
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:01,531
but that was the old Eleanor.

276
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:02,907
She changed.

277
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,244
She worked, and she studied
and she got better.

278
00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:08,871
And it wasn't just self—preservation.

279
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,748
It was real self—improvement.

280
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:14,294
I made the decision to help Eleanor
that first week, and I'm glad I did.

281
00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:16,462
Because she's worth it.

282
00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:18,548
I, too, helped Eleanor.

283
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:20,967
Not as much as chidi, surely

284
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:24,637
but my help was more friendship
and sorely needed fashion advice.

285
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,889
Eleanor deserves to stay.

286
00:13:27,890 --> 00:13:29,809
Thank you for these testimonials.

287
00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,436
A ruling has been reached.

288
00:13:36,190 --> 00:13:37,608
Oh, you want to hear it.

289
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:40,236
I forgot how needy humans are.
— clears throat

290
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,697
Eleanor shellstrop is a bad person.

291
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,742
The progress she has made
does not offset her actions on earth.

292
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,202
She deserves to be in the bad place.
— oh.

293
00:13:48,703 --> 00:13:49,996
As concerning Jason mendoza

294
00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:52,790
I have heard no statements
nor seen any evidence to suggest...

295
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,584
Oh, he's from Florida?

296
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,086
Yeah, he belongs in the bad place.

297
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,756
No, but, how do you intend
to enforce this ruling?

298
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:01,341
You have no idea where they are.

299
00:14:02,091 --> 00:14:03,134
Bad Janet?

300
00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:04,719
Low chime — what's up, forknuts?

301
00:14:05,094 --> 00:14:06,596
Engage walkie—talkie protocol.

302
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:08,931
Electronic wailing

303
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,102
what if you're here and I'm like this?

304
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,271
Yes, that may work.

305
00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:18,274
Beeping

306
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,859
whoa, what is happening?

307
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,236
Is she having an orgasm?
Did I do it somehow?

308
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,906
Shawn: Attention Eleanor shellstrop
and Jason mendoza.

309
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,742
This is the almighty judge on high
of all beings, living and dead

310
00:14:27,825 --> 00:14:28,825
for all eternity.

311
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:29,868
My name's Shawn.

312
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:31,537
We do not know where you are

313
00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:33,206
but hope you are receiving
this message.

314
00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,976
You have been found to be
the rightful property of the bad place.

315
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:37,794
Either return
to your original neighbourhood

316
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,130
or your accomplices,
chidi anagon ye and tahani al—jami/

317
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,774
will go to the bad place in your stead.

318
00:14:42,882 --> 00:14:43,800
What? — what?

319
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,968
You have four hours. Goodbye.

320
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:50,056
Your honour, please,
chidi and tahani are completely innocent.

321
00:14:50,139 --> 00:14:51,516
They are not completely innocent.

322
00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:52,892
They told me so themselves.

323
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:56,896
They aided and abetted two criminals,
one of whom, was a dj.

324
00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:00,650
They're gonna send chidi and tahani
to the bad place?

325
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:04,278
We're off the hook. This is amazing!

326
00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:07,657
Babe, we are going to be trying
to make love all night long.

327
00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:17,375
We don't have to go back, though.
They just said.

328
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,961
We can't let tahani and chidi
go to the bad place.

329
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:21,170
They're our friends.

330
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:23,631
We literally owe it to them.

331
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:25,675
If they're really our friends,

332
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,261
then why aren't they
here with us right now?

333
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,638
Because we ran away. Are you...?

334
00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:35,852
Does your brain work, actually?
Do you have a functioning head?

335
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,295
Mindy:
I think he has a good point.

336
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,250
I wouldn't go back for those turkeys.

337
00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:41,816
How can you say that?
— think practically here.

338
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:44,485
Ok, you go back,
you turn yourself in

339
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:47,280
you get sent to the bad place,
and you never see your friends again.

340
00:15:47,363 --> 00:15:50,867
Or you stay here,
you're safe from the bad place

341
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:52,618
and you never see your friends again.

342
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:53,952
It's the same results

343
00:15:54,078 --> 00:15:56,122
except if you stay here,
you don't get tortured.

344
00:15:56,205 --> 00:15:58,499
But they do.
— that's their problem.

345
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:01,502
Your problem is whether you get tortured.

346
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,379
Now if you'll excuse me...

347
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:05,465
It's my masturbating time.

348
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:07,884
When isn't it? We're going back.

349
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:09,677
But—— — Eleanor: Now.

350
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,527
Eleanor:
Can we even make it there in time?

351
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:16,684
I believe so, though it'll be close.

352
00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:18,102
Where's Jason?
— Jason: Heads up!

353
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,937
Sorry, Eleanor,
but I can't let us leave.

354
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:22,398
In slow motion: Bortles!

355
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,485
No!

356
00:16:29,322 --> 00:16:30,990
What are you doing, you goon?

357
00:16:31,073 --> 00:16:32,283
Trying to blow up the train.

358
00:16:32,575 --> 00:16:34,785
Blowing stuff up
got me out of so many jams on earth.

359
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,038
Let me try again.
Do... do you have another bottle?

360
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:41,584
Hi there,
since there's no Janet here to serve you

361
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,169
I brought you two a little treat.

362
00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:46,547
Ah, kind of like a last meal.
— not like a last meal

363
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,800
just, uh, the final food
you might ever eat.

364
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:54,680
I'm gonna miss these little perks
when I'm down in the bad place

365
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:56,390
being forced to wear a...

366
00:16:56,766 --> 00:16:59,352
A knock—off handbag and drink tap water.

367
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,605
That's what you think hell is?
— ugh.

368
00:17:03,439 --> 00:17:05,107
Janet, please, we have to go.

369
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:07,485
I won't start the train
until my husband says it's ok.

370
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:11,113
I'm sorry, Eleanor,
but I engaged a ride or die protocol

371
00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:13,074
so I'm loyal to Jason forever.

372
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:16,160
Buddy_.

373
00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,913
Come on, we gotta go.

374
00:17:19,789 --> 00:17:21,415
I don't wanna go to the bad place.

375
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,751
It's scary, like the movie ratatouille.

376
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:25,878
What?
— yo, I ain't trying to have rats

377
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:28,798
living in my hat and pulling my hair
to get me to do stuff.

378
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,175
I'm scared too

379
00:17:32,134 --> 00:17:35,304
but we can't just abandon our friends
and let them take the fall for us.

380
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:38,391
Sure we can.
It would be so easy to do that.

381
00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,476
We'd just go back to mindy's house,
chill out...

382
00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,270
I'd get used to room—temperature beer.

383
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,064
Me and Janet keep trying to solve
the problem of how to have sex

384
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:46,732
which could take years.

385
00:17:47,275 --> 00:17:50,611
Let's just pretend that we didn't hear
the Janet walkie—talkie message.

386
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:55,449
No. It's time to own up, dude.

387
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:59,245
I spent my whole life acting like mindy —
Me first, no matter what

388
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:01,664
and it literally took dying

389
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:06,168
and being around a bunch of good people
to realise that I was kind of a nightmare.

390
00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:08,713
Why were you like that?
— Eleanor: Well...

391
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,799
Let me tell you about
Doug and Donna shellstrop.

392
00:18:11,882 --> 00:18:12,882
Whoosh

393
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,720
hey, dad, just a warning,
mom's gonna be here in a second.

394
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:19,307
Ugh, your mother's coming?
Oh, boy, hide the silverware.

395
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:21,070
You mean the silverware
you stole from mom?

396
00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:23,019
Yeah, but she keeps trying
to steal it back.

397
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,146
I drove here as fast as I could.

398
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,440
You scored free wrestlemania tickets?

399
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:28,542
There are no tickets, mom.

400
00:18:28,566 --> 00:18:30,377
I knew that was the only way
I could get you here.

401
00:18:30,401 --> 00:18:31,986
A—ha! Burn.

402
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,947
Eleanor, just because your father and I
are divorced

403
00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:37,325
does not mean
you can disrespect me like this, ok?

404
00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:38,826
We are a family.

405
00:18:39,744 --> 00:18:41,287
Whose birthday is it? — mine.

406
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:43,331
Doug: Are you serious? No way!

407
00:18:43,706 --> 00:18:45,875
There was a bs. Foul on Chapman.

408
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,752
And since you both forgot, again

409
00:18:47,835 --> 00:18:50,379
which means you definitely
didn't get me a present, again

410
00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,714
I got myself something.

411
00:18:51,797 --> 00:18:53,341
I just need you to sign it.

412
00:18:53,799 --> 00:18:56,427
Emancipation papers? Honey!

413
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,721
What does "emancipation" mean?

414
00:18:58,804 --> 00:19:00,598
It means I'll be on my own.

415
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:04,060
All my life, I've been taking care
of myself and you guys.

416
00:19:04,143 --> 00:19:06,812
I work two after—school jobs
because you blew half my college fund

417
00:19:06,896 --> 00:19:08,290
bailing your boyfriend out of jail.

418
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:09,482
So irresponsible.

419
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:11,835
And you blew the other half
trying to frame her boyfriend.

420
00:19:11,859 --> 00:19:15,488
It was so stupid.
He was already guilty, dumb-ass.

421
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,406
I've been on my own
for a while now anyway

422
00:19:17,740 --> 00:19:19,950
and after you sign these papers,
it'll be official.

423
00:19:20,242 --> 00:19:22,578
I won't owe you anything,
you won't owe me anything.

424
00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:25,831
Well, if you want me to sign...
Oh, that's a joint.

425
00:19:26,165 --> 00:19:27,958
Uh, do you have a pen... or a lighter?

426
00:19:29,585 --> 00:19:31,837
You're a really interesting person,
Eleanor.

427
00:19:32,296 --> 00:19:33,547
We should hang out sometime.

428
00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,265
Wow, your parents sucked.

429
00:19:43,599 --> 00:19:44,642
Yeah, they did

430
00:19:45,559 --> 00:19:47,436
and I've been using their crappy parenting

431
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,980
as an excuse for my selfish behaviour
all my life.

432
00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:52,232
No more.

433
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:54,193
We know what's right here.

434
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:55,945
We have to go back.

435
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:02,118
Ride or die.

436
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,412
Beeping

437
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,881
Time is up. In preparation for your trip
to the bad place

438
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:17,216
please put on these fedoras.

439
00:20:17,550 --> 00:20:18,884
Oh no.

440
00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:21,679
Well, no use delaying the inevitable.

441
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:23,931
We surrender.

442
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:25,557
Together.

443
00:20:26,183 --> 00:20:28,728
Chidi, tahani,
we're back to save your souls!

444
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,232
Real weird vibe in here.

445
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:36,235
Was definitely expecting some applause.

446
00:20:36,902 --> 00:20:39,655
You're too late.
You... you missed the cut—off.

447
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:41,323
But we're here.

448
00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:43,993
We came here as fast as we could,
and we're here.

449
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,119
So...

450
00:20:46,454 --> 00:20:47,496
Now what?

451
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,627
What is the most logical decision?

452
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:55,963
I made my initial ruling.

453
00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:58,758
I established a deadline.
The deadline was missed.

454
00:20:58,841 --> 00:21:00,593
Now the original perpetrators are here.

455
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:03,012
Ugh, this is exhausting.

456
00:21:03,679 --> 00:21:06,119
I just want to go back
to my container of goo and go to sleep.

457
00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:08,017
The bad place is owed two people.

458
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:11,103
In my opinion,
which is an objective fact in this case

459
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:12,563
and all cases always and forever

460
00:21:12,646 --> 00:21:15,524
you have all done bad things
since you arrived here.

461
00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:17,818
Therefore, I don't care
which two of you go.

462
00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:19,153
You can decide.

463
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:20,446
You have 30 minutes.

464
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:24,784
Beeping, dramatic music