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The following programme contains
strong language.

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♪ THE ROLLING STONES:
Can't You Hear Me Knocking

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♪ Yeah, you got satin shoes

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♪ Yeah, you got plastic boots

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♪ Y'all got cocaine eyes

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♪ Yeah, you got speed-freak jive

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♪ Can't you hear me knockin'
on your window? ♪

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(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)
Hello, Margaret.

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Would you care to try that again?

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(CHUCKLES) All right, yeah.
Your Highness and whatnot.

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I know you. You're a singer.

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More of an anarchist, really.

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The singing's just my route
to the downtrodden.

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Not many downtrodden in here.

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Yeah. I'm sort of parodying
the whole scene.

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You're doing ever so well.

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The newspapers say your marriage
isn't doing so great.

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Aren't they mean?
Terribly so.

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But if it's true,
may I offer myself up

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for, you know,
a bit of national service?

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Darling, while I admire
your ambition,

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is the Queen's sister
not a little above your station?

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I thought you were supposed to be
the fun one.

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These things are relative.

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Then prove it.

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(GROANING)
Ooh! Oops.

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(HICCUPS AND GRUNTS)

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Hello, Margaret.

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Hello, Elizabeth.
(BURPS)

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(GRUNTS)
Forgive me.

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(GRUNTING)

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Expanding one's mind
is not as much fun as one hoped.

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Well, you're only just starting.

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I'm afraid I shan't be able
to see you again.

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Why ever not?

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Because my sole role in life
is to support my sister

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and not cause the family
any embarrassment.

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Which tends to preclude anything

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that risks being
the slightest bit fun.

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Keith, put it down.

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There is a place, however,

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where one can have
as much fun as one wants.

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Oh, yeah? Where's that, then?

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You came! How industrious of you.

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Great vibe.
This is Basil.

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You all right?
Hey, man.

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How about a little fortification?

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Your Highness, could I trouble you
for some payment?

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Wonderful, Basil. Wonderful humour.

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So, what news from home?

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The bloody Beatles have got MBEs.

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You can't be jealous, surely.
An anarchist like yourself?

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God, no. Far from it.
I just think it's a shame

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that your sister's being duped
by all that Northern ballocks.

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I'm sure they'll get round
to giving you a trinket.

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I'd turn it down.
No, you wouldn't.

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I'd consider turning it down.

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Well, I'm sure she'd be on the edge
of her broom, darling.

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They probably think
I'm too dangerous.

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Oh, undoubtedly.

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And if I may be somewhat forward...

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I rather hope that you are.

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I suppose you want me
to come to the palace for tea?

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You'd have to dine below stairs,
of course, being a bit of raff.

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A bit of raff? I'm from Dartford,
we've got a Sainsbury's.

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The Sainsburys
have moved to Dartford?

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(KNOCKING)
Phone call, Your Highness.

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Thank you, Basil.

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Darling, did you fly
out of London Airport?

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Yeah.
Oh, Christ.

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♪ THE ROLLING STONES:
Everybody Needs Somebody To Love

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♪ Everybody wants somebody... ♪

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THROUGH PHONE: "I forbade you."
Elizabeth, we have a deal.

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I give you ten months of the year
to smile and cut bloody ribbons

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and as reward I may come here
and indulge myself.

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"I imagine you've been indulging
with some abandon."

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Oh, Elizabeth. How very un-regal.

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"If you must holiday
with a musician,

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why not one
of those nice Beatle boys?

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I like Dingo."
Ringo.

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"I thought it was Dingo."
No.

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"He looks like a dingo."
He's not called Dingo.

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"Well, perhaps he should be."
Was there anything else?

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"Just promise me you won't stir up
the newspapers, Margaret.

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You or your friend."
I live to serve Your Majesty.

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"Well, that's more like it."
(CLICK / DIAL TONE)

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♪ Something happened to me yesterday

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♪ Something I can't speak of
right away

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♪ Something happened to me

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♪ Something oh so groovy... ♪

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Her Majesty.
 Something... ♪

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I know.
"He has to go."

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I said I know.

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"I'm sorry, Margaret."

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Then I'll allow you
to make it up to me.

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I didn't enjoy it
as much as I thought I would.

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I suspect that's
the point of incarceration.

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I thought it'd be full
of plucky salt of the Earth types

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but if I'm honest,
they were sort of arseholes.

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Well, you're out now.
How did that happen, then?

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I was supposed to do three months.

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I'm afraid it was a parting gift,
darling.

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If you ever need me, love,
I'll be there.

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Goodbye, Michael.

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♪ PAUL SIMON:
50 Ways To Leave Your Lover

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♪ The problem is all inside
your head, she said to me

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♪ The answer is easy
if you take it logically

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♪ I'd like to help you
with your struggle to be free

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♪ There must be
50 ways to leave your lover... ♪

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(KNOCKING)
BASIL: Phone call, Your Highness.

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Have we been overthrown?

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They have a photo of you
and your latest friend.

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They came here?

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I think it's time for your companion
to exit proceedings.

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This is a private island.

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"Nothing is private any more."

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Of course, I wouldn't have to
sneak around

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if you'd let me divorce.

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Well, you'll have to now.
Thank you, Elizabeth. What a treat.

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Margaret. Don't you see?
Times are changing.

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There's no reverence any more
and this kind of thing

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gives our enemies the ammunition
they crave.

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Some are saying they wish you
to retire from public life.

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Oh, really?

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And tell me, Elizabeth.
How the fuck might one do that?

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I don't know.

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Well, let me know when you do.

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(THUNDER / RAIN POURING)

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Hello, Margaret.

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Thank you so much for coming.

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You were there when they went for me.

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And it sort of tied in
with the tax exile thing.

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Oh, cheer me up, darling.

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I'm getting divorced.
You too? What happened?

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Officially, it's on the grounds
of adultery

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00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,600
but in reality, Bianca can't separate
the actions of Mick Jagger the man

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00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:06,960
and Mick Jagger the character.

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Oh, I have missed you, Michael.

139
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Well, I'm here now.

140
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Basil, could you bring Michael
the key for Stargroves?

141
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Of course, Your Highness.
It's for sale, if you're interested.

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Your little friend still around?

143
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No. Scuttled off.

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Right. So...?

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Michael, I don't have
a great many friends

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and I should like
to keep you as one this time.

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I think this is the most likely
way to do that, don't you?

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Yeah, all right.

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I suppose it's the last taboo,
really, isn't it?

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Not having sex.
Maybe that could be my new thing.

151
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I don't think that's the route

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you'd truly like to traverse,
is it, Michael?

153
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-No.
-No.

154
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,560
Fuck that!
Quite.

155
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I'll see you back at the house.

156
00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,520
So, what do you think of Jerry?

157
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I do like Americans.

158
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They have such a puppy-ish quality.

159
00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:41,760
She's engaged to Bryan Ferry.

160
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,560
That would appear
to offer certain complications.

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She's breaking it off
when we get back.

162
00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:51,680
To be honest, I feel sorry
for Bryan but...what can you do?

163
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Other people's lives.

164
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I'm so glad you bought the house.

165
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Worth every penny to see you, love.

166
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:03,760
And they've got that whole Caribbean
manana, manana approach to tax.

167
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,520
Oh, they're wonderful people,
Michael.

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They have clung me to their bosom
and I shall never forget it.

169
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Not now, Basil.

170
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,080
So? Come on, how was the wedding?

171
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:18,880
It was surprisingly affecting.

172
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,320
Diana looked very beautiful

173
00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,720
and Charles managed
to get her name right.

174
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:26,280
Elton wasn't invited, was he?
No.

175
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,960
Thank Christ.
(CHUCKLES)

176
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,120
You know, Margaret, you seem
dangerously close to being happy.

177
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:37,720
Oh, Michael. I am liberated.

178
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,880
The press don't care about me
any more.

179
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They have a younger, prettier
princess to pretend to worry about.

180
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:46,800
It really is
the most wonderful thing,

181
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:49,240
to feel that one's life
is one's own.

182
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,280
So what are you gonna do with it?

183
00:11:51,320 --> 00:11:54,160
I have absolutely no idea.

184
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,160
Well, I'm very much looking forward
to meeting her.

185
00:11:57,200 --> 00:11:59,200
Meeting whom?

186
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,240
Oh, didn't they tell you?

187
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:04,200
Diana wants to meet
the nation's cultural figures.

188
00:12:04,240 --> 00:12:07,560
I've heard she has a lot of ideas.

189
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,920
They've booked me in.
Lunch at the palace.

190
00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,480
The first step to Sir Mick.

191
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:15,360
I remember when
you were an anarchist.

192
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,480
Still am, love, still am.

193
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,920
I'm subverting the system
from the inside.

194
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:21,960
How clever.

195
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:27,760
Tell me. Did the invite come through
the palace or her office?

196
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,800
Why does it matter?

197
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,040
Because, darling...

198
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:36,120
the palace retains final approval
over diaries.

199
00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:40,640
Margaret. She's a princess.

200
00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,440
If she wants to feast her little eyes
over old Mick,

201
00:12:43,480 --> 00:12:45,480
they can't exactly stop her.

202
00:12:45,520 --> 00:12:47,520
Oh, Michael.

203
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:52,480
It was bloody cancelled.
No, it wasn't.

204
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,280
"You what?"
Diana threw a tantrum.

205
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,480
She wanted to meet a pop star

206
00:12:57,520 --> 00:13:01,320
so, well, they had to let her
meet a pop star.

207
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,600
Who?
"Must you ask, darling?"

208
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,960
If you say Elton, I'll hang myself.

209
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:09,400
Philip Collins.
Jesus Christ!

210
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,360
Apparently, he was very pleasant.

211
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,840
Oh, I bet he was.
I bet Collins bloody lapped it up,

212
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,080
eating cucumber sandwiches
with his little sausage fingers.

213
00:13:18,120 --> 00:13:20,720
I heard he was a fitting substitute.

214
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,000
What, for me? Phil Collins? For me?

215
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,920
Who might you have rathered?
What, than Collins?

216
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,280
I don't know, Roland Rat?
(CHUCKLES)

217
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:31,440
Keith, get down right now.

218
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,480
I've got to go, love.

219
00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,520
(CLATTER / THUDDING)

220
00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,680
Happy now?

221
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:48,840
Yeah, you have. Just a tickle. Here.

222
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:52,400
One has not the slightest clue
to what you refer.

223
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,440
There's no shame in it.

224
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:57,160
Look at McCartney,
he looks bloody haunted.

225
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,800
Or Elton, with that doormat
nailed onto his head.

226
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:04,480
Now that I'm the forgotten princess,
I find I can do all sorts of things.

227
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,000
Do you know I holidayed
with a male companion in Italy?

228
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:11,040
We held hands, toured the palaces.

229
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,360
We kissed in a bloody piazza.

230
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,880
You deviant!
I know!

231
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,720
Well, if your new bloke doesn't mind,

232
00:14:18,760 --> 00:14:21,120
I'd like you to be my date
at the palace.

233
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,040
I've got a new plan. Tony Blair.

234
00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,640
Oh. The fox lover.

235
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:30,000
Don't knock him.
He had me round his house.

236
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,360
Made me watch him play guitar.
Fuck me, that was a long night.

237
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,720
But it was worth it.
He's putting me up for a knighthood.

238
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:40,240
Oh, Michael.
He promised.

239
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:45,280
Well, he was decidedly foolish
to do that.

240
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:51,320
♪ No, you can't always get
what you want

241
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:56,760
♪ You can't always get
what you want... ♪

242
00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,080
The Honours this month.
Thank you, Harold.

243
00:15:00,120 --> 00:15:02,600
♪ You can't always get what you want

244
00:15:02,640 --> 00:15:06,320
♪ But if you try some time... ♪

245
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:10,920
Oh, dear.
 You get what you need... ♪

246
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,320
Oh, for...
Who's next? Chas

247
00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:16,840
Must you care so much, darling?

248
00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:20,560
Must you still be the boy
from Dartford asking to be let in?

249
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:23,920
It's nothing to do with that.
It's the principle of the thing.

250
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:26,000
I see.
I've done some things, Margaret.

251
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,680
I've done things that
you wouldn't believe but Elton?

252
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,680
My God, he's been there, you know?
He's been there.

253
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,880
Perhaps if you engaged
in more charitable pursuits...

254
00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:39,720
I do charity. I did bloody Live Aid
for Bob and, you know, the Africans.

255
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:43,720
You don't do charity like Elton.
Oh, what, his black and white ball?

256
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,680
That's just an excuse for Elton
to stick the sequins on

257
00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:49,720
and whip out his...
Not all of it, Keith. Not all of it!

258
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:52,440
We'll soon be back out there,
Michael.

259
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,280
Celebrating another year of freedom
for me

260
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,560
and another year
as a commoner for you.

261
00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,280
A big old party at Basil's.

262
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:02,320
How does that sound?

263
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,720
Diana's death changes everything.

264
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,920
The business with the flag.

265
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,160
The criticism of the Queen.

266
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:17,120
They'd finally found a Royal
they could love

267
00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:19,480
and they blame us for losing her.

268
00:16:21,040 --> 00:16:23,320
It was a lovely funeral.

269
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,840
And to be fair, Elton did OK.

270
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:31,440
A little bit karaoke but he's always
had a bit of the Dog and Duck in him.

271
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:35,000
They're coming after me again.
Did you notice?

272
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:39,480
"Princess Margaret,
who attended the funeral alone."

273
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:43,040
That is the sound
of claws sharpening.

274
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,080
And a new angle.

275
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:49,120
Not the love-struck princess,
nor the predatory harlot...

276
00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:52,920
but the tragical woman
left on the shelf.

277
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:57,240
You give them too much power,
Margaret. You always have.

278
00:16:57,280 --> 00:17:01,920
Well...they won't have much longer
to torment me.

279
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:05,520
They've popped one of my lungs out,
darling.

280
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:08,640
Why didn't you say anything?

281
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,240
Why? Did you want it?

282
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:16,160
Illness is bad for the brand,
Michael.

283
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:22,800
But between us, I fear
I'm not long for this world.

284
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,280
Nah. Not with your breeding.

285
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:31,640
Generations have spent their lives
sat at home doing fuck all

286
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,680
to look after those genes of yours.

287
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:36,800
Not now, Basil.

288
00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:49,920
(WATER RUNNING)

289
00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:57,480
I'm staying here.

290
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,600
ON PHONE:
"Margaret, the Royal physician

291
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:01,680
says you are to come home
immediately."

292
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:03,720
They just need a little lotion.

293
00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:06,960
"A little lotion? Margaret,
you'll need skin grafts."

294
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,000
I'm staying here.

295
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,440
"Why do you have to be
so bloody difficult?"

296
00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,360
Because for 40 years
this is the only place

297
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:17,320
where I've enjoyed
the slightest sense of freedom.

298
00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:22,120
And I know that if I leave now,
I shall never return.

299
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,160
"Oh, Margaret."

300
00:18:25,400 --> 00:18:27,400
I'm sorry, Elizabeth.

301
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:30,600
Another embarrassment
for you to worry about.

302
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,320
"Margaret, my only worry
is that you're injured

303
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:38,120
and well, there's no alternative way
to phrase this but I love you.

304
00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,600
I know that's not a sentiment
we bandy about and quite right too

305
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:45,120
but I do and you're just going to
have to accept it."

306
00:18:45,160 --> 00:18:47,840
I live to serve Your Majesty.

307
00:18:47,880 --> 00:18:50,360
"And you do it better than anyone."

308
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:56,440
May I have one more day?
I have a friend on his way.

309
00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,040
Cheer me up, darling.

310
00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:11,320
I'm getting divorced.
Oh, for Christ's sake.

311
00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:13,800
I'll be honest, love.
It's a real slap in the face.

312
00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:16,800
Right before the baby's born as well.
Jerry's pregnant?

313
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:20,520
She's not, no. Which is, apparently,
a whole big drama.

314
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:27,640
You know, Michael, I've had the best
days of my life on this island.

315
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:30,920
I mean, just look at Basil.

316
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:35,920
For 40 years he has opened his doors
and invited us into his home.

317
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:40,120
-My home?
-I only wish
we could repay the hospitality.

318
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:45,280
Ma'am, your plane is ready.

319
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,320
One more minute, please.

320
00:19:52,880 --> 00:19:55,880
You know, Michael, when I was born,

321
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,520
the nation had prayed for a prince.

322
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:02,040
I entered the world
as a disappointment

323
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:04,080
and that is how I shall exit.

324
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,240
At least I was consistent.

325
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,280
With respect, Your Highness...

326
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:11,680
that's a load of old bollocks.

327
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:15,280
Well, what was my life, then?

328
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,920
I fell in love with the wrong men.

329
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:21,760
I drank, I smoked.

330
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,600
I was berated, ridiculed and pitied.

331
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:31,440
What would you call that, Michael,
if not disappointment?

332
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,680
I call it rock and roll.

333
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:43,280
You know, they'll give you
your trinket after I go.

334
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:46,040
Once the press
can't make the connection.

335
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,080
I'll turn it down.

336
00:20:48,120 --> 00:20:50,120
No, you won't.

337
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:56,960
Goodbye, Michael.

338
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,000
Goodbye, Margaret.

339
00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:20,280
Not now, Basil.

340
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:22,560
♪ THE ROLLING STONES:
Waiting On A Friend

341
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:29,840
♪ I'm not waiting on a lady

342
00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:37,680
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend

343
00:21:39,800 --> 00:21:44,640
♪ Mmm, a smile relieves a heart
that grieves

344
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,960
♪ Remember what I said

345
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:54,640
♪ I'm not waiting on a lady

346
00:21:57,280 --> 00:22:06,360
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend

347
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:10,680
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend

348
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:15,240
♪ I'm just waiting on a friend... ♪

349
00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:19,000
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