1 00:00:27,440 --> 00:00:30,520 You bitch! This is war. 2 00:00:30,560 --> 00:00:33,640 And they say the history books are only written by the winners. 3 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:36,280 So, it looks like I'll need to buy myself a new pen. 4 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:41,520 Oh, I know when to stop all right. 5 00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:43,800 Just after I've heard the thump, thump, thump 6 00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,320 of me driving over something thick and empty. 7 00:00:47,680 --> 00:00:49,680 Like your head. 8 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:53,440 You thought I was playing a game? 9 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,800 Sweetheart, you'll know when I'm playing games, 10 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,000 because I'll be holding a cricket bat and looking for a couple of balls. 11 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:07,680 (SCREAMING, THUDDING) 12 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:11,640 Cut!(BUZZER) 13 00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:13,720 And that's a wrap on Miss Joan Collins 14 00:01:13,760 --> 00:01:15,840 and that's a wrap on Dynasty! 15 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,880 (APPLAUSE) 16 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,920 Thank you, everyone! 17 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:26,080 This show would not be the success it is 18 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,240 without all the work you've done. 19 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:33,000 I know for many of you, this may be the end of the story, but for me, 20 00:01:33,040 --> 00:01:35,640 it's merely the end of a chapter. 21 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,000 And a new chapter is just beginning. 22 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,520 Farewell. 23 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:42,680 Beautiful speech, Miss Collins. -Very moving! -Thank you, Steven. 24 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,640 Simon. It's been an honour to work with you these last few years. 25 00:01:45,680 --> 00:01:47,920 I can imagine. Where will we see you next? 26 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:51,520 At the top of the best-seller list. I'm writing another novel. 27 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,880 Oh, following in the footsteps of your sister? 28 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,480 It's impossible for me to follow in Jackie's footsteps, 29 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,440 because believe it or not, I'm the older sister. 30 00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,160 What's the book going to be about? I can't tell you the plot 31 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:04,200 or I'd have to kill you! (CHUCKLES) 32 00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:09,560 But it's going to be an epic story of glamour, sex, passion, betrayal, 33 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:13,360 -and sex. -That's a lot of sex! There'll be oodles of it. 34 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:16,080 I'm sure it'll create quite a scandal! (LAUGHS) 35 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,120 Goodbye, Steven. 36 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,520 (CAR HORNS BLARE) 37 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,280 (THEY MUMBLE) 38 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,440 Miss Collins. What an honour! 39 00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,200 Alberto Vitale, CEO here at Random House. 40 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,960 But I gotta be honest, my main job is actually being 41 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,000 Joan Collins's No.1 fan. Look, I don't have long. 42 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,960 I'm brunching with Roger Moore, and you don't keep James Bond waiting. 43 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:52,720 The only reason I'm here is my agent Swifty 44 00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:56,280 said I should take this meeting. You've got five minutes. 45 00:02:57,280 --> 00:03:00,400 So, here at Random House, we have absolutely 46 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,040 the best people for you to work with.4.5 minutes. 47 00:03:03,080 --> 00:03:06,640 This is Joni Evans. Joni is one of the best editors, 48 00:03:06,680 --> 00:03:10,320 well, in the world. And No.1 Joan Collins fan. 49 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,720 He said that. You can't both be No.1. (LAUGHS) 50 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,760 (THEY LAUGH) 51 00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:19,960 I'm just gonna come out and say this. Miss Collins, 52 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,520 you are a modern-day Jane Austen. 53 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:26,520 Thank you. But of course, Jane didn't act as well. 54 00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:31,320 Your previous novels, Prime Time, and Love 55 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,000 the moment I read them, I knew they were instant classics. 56 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,640 I get told that a lot. Three minutes. 57 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,800 Miss Collins, you'd be in great company here at Random House. 58 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,520 I promise I will champion you at every turn and Joni here 59 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:45,280 will be at your beck and call, 24/7. We can provide... 60 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,240 I've heard enough. I very much doubt you could afford me. 61 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:50,640 So, let's save ourselves a couple of minutes. 62 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:52,680 Thank you, and goodbye. 63 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,720 $2 million. 64 00:03:55,840 --> 00:03:59,280 A million upfront, a million when you deliver your masterpiece. 65 00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,520 Remind me of your names again. 66 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:13,880 ♪ Tall and tan and young and lovely 67 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,280 ♪ The girl from Ipanema goes walking 68 00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:19,440 ♪ And when she passes 69 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:22,840 ♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!" 70 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,640 ♪ When she walks, she's like a samba that 71 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,280 ♪ Swings so cool and sways so gently 72 00:04:32,320 --> 00:04:34,320 ♪ That when she passes 73 00:04:34,360 --> 00:04:37,240 ♪ Each one she passes goes, "ah!" 74 00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:45,200 ♪ Oh, but he watches her so sadly 75 00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,960 ♪ How... ♪ 76 00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,400 I hate it. 77 00:04:56,440 --> 00:04:58,120 (LAUGHS) 78 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,640 Are you going to let an editor talk to me like that, Alberto? 79 00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,800 Yes. I hate it, too. What do you mean, "hate"? 80 00:05:07,840 --> 00:05:10,920 -Strongly dislike.Abhor. -Despise. 81 00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:13,400 Yes, yes, we can all look up "hate" in the dictionary. 82 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:16,440 -Thesaurus. -Name one thing about the book you didn't like! 83 00:05:16,480 --> 00:05:19,040 The plot is nonsensical. Characters are unbelievable. 84 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:22,560 -Littered with cliches. -Boring -to read. -The sex is excruciating! 85 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:24,840 (LAUGHS) Nobody has sex like that! 86 00:05:25,840 --> 00:05:29,920 I said, "Name one thing."Joan, Random House cannot publish this. 87 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,160 The public adore me. The book would sell! 88 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,840 Oh, come on. You can't call this a book. 89 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,280 I mean, books have stories. This does have a story! 90 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:41,880 And what's more, it's a story that you gave me notes on. 91 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,280 Notes you patently ignored.(SCOFFS) 92 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:48,560 Just let me do another draft. 93 00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:51,800 We could...spend more time together. 94 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:57,080 -Polishing it. -You can't polish...what this is. 95 00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,120 It's dead, Joan. 96 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,000 Can't bring the dead back to life, like you did in Dallas. 97 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,720 Dynasty. 98 00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,200 You'll be hearing from my agent. 99 00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:10,520 Swifty will have your guts for garters. 100 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,480 By the way, I pity your poor husband. 101 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:18,840 Some of us do have sex like that. 102 00:06:24,640 --> 00:06:26,280 (DOOR SLAMS) 103 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,760 Poor Swifty. He was only 86. 104 00:06:32,880 --> 00:06:36,520 -MONTY: -He would've loved the service. More star-studded than The Oscars. 105 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,960 Wasn't easy having to sing the hymns stood next to Frank Sinatra. 106 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,000 That Madonna can't sing a note. 107 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,200 Champagne? It's what he would've wanted. 108 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,960 -Darling? -What is it? It's Random House. 109 00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,760 -They're suing you. -What?! 110 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,120 Bastards! 111 00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,400 Swifty's body not even cold. 112 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:04,160 They want their $1 million back. How dare they?! 113 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:06,960 I'll sue them right back. Well, don't do anything rash. 114 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,200 I'm not being rash! When have you ever known me to be rash? 115 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:12,640 -When you sued The Globe? -And I won! 116 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:15,480 Every woman should be allowed to sunbathe topless in her villa 117 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,080 in the south of France without some creep taking photos. 118 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:21,280 I thought Pinky and Perky looked positively majestic! 119 00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:24,160 They always look majestic. But that's not the point. 120 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,200 I took The Globe to the cleaners, and I'll take Random House 121 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,560 to the cleaners. The book I wrote them was a best-seller. 122 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:32,920 You loved it, didn't you, darling? 123 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:36,360 Oh, Joanie, it was tour de force. 124 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:39,040 Like nothing I've ever read before, or I'm sure... 125 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,680 ..will ever read again. Thank you, Monty. 126 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:46,160 Then, they haven't got a hope in hell. 127 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,880 I'll see them in court! Now, make love to me. 128 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:52,760 Er, I'd just like to let -those vol-au-vens settle. -Now! 129 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:55,160 Not like in the book though, please! (LAUGHS) 130 00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:04,720 It's Day 1 of the showbiz trial of the decade, 131 00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:09,040 with Dynasty star Joan Collins and indeed, literature itself, 132 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:12,800 both on trial. And you can watch the entire proceedings 133 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,720 on Court TV. Miss Collins, Miss Collins! 134 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,640 Are you worried you might have to give $1 million back? 135 00:08:18,680 --> 00:08:20,720 Miss Collins, can we ask you a question? 136 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,760 (GRUNTING) 137 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:30,240 (GROANING) 138 00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,480 (PUFFS) Oh. 139 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,200 -Pen. -Are you sure about dressing down like this? 140 00:08:38,240 --> 00:08:41,280 Trust me. Today, we don't want you looking like a star. 141 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:44,040 We want you looking like a victim! 142 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:46,520 Oh, OK. So, they got Robert Callagy. 143 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:50,200 -Is that good or bad? -Good for them. Not so good for us. 144 00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,280 Is he a better lawyer than you? 145 00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,320 The word I would use is "infinitely". 146 00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:59,360 What have I done? I haven't got a hope in hell, have I? 147 00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:02,800 Joan, we do have a chance. 148 00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:05,920 Now, the case hinges on this. 149 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:08,560 In the deal Swifty struck with Random House, 150 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,440 you only had to deliver a complete manuscript. 151 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,040 Now, normally, a contract would demand a manuscript 152 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,520 that was complete and satisfactory. 153 00:09:17,560 --> 00:09:21,000 So, what we have to argue is that your manuscript, 154 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,480 The Rules Of Passion, was complete. 155 00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,920 -The Ruling Passion. -That. 156 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,600 Course it was complete! With 125,000 bloody words. 157 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:30,640 There you go. 158 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,080 -Did you read it? -Sure I did. 159 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,880 -Did you like it? -Gotta tell you. 160 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,000 Best book I read this year. 161 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,520 How many books have you read this year? 162 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,560 We should probably get a coffee before this thing starts. 163 00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,840 Why don't you just lie? I thought that's what lawyers were good at. 164 00:10:22,760 --> 00:10:25,400 There's a lot of cameras. Well, I guess you must be 165 00:10:25,440 --> 00:10:28,120 used to this kind of thing. I'm not used to this! 166 00:10:29,120 --> 00:10:31,120 I'm used to having a script, and retakes! 167 00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,960 You'll be fine, just don't look the jury in the eye. 168 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,080 And Joan, this is very important. Try not to insult anyone, OK? 169 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:45,600 Even if the bitch has got it coming to her? 170 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:47,960 Especially if the bitch has got it coming to her! 171 00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,560 All rise. 172 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:02,640 Right, let's get this done. 173 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:08,360 Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Random House vs Joan Collins. 174 00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:11,840 You must decide whether Ms Collins completed the manuscript 175 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,880 that Random has paid her $1 million to write. 176 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:21,200 I'm told Joan Collins is an actress in a soap opera. 177 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:25,760 -It's a drama! -But don't let her fame influence your verdict. 178 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:28,080 We'll start with opening statements, please? 179 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,200 On behalf of Random House, Mr Callagy. 180 00:11:30,240 --> 00:11:32,360 You just watch him. This is gonna be great. 181 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:41,640 Thank you, Your Honour. Here we go... 182 00:11:41,680 --> 00:11:44,320 It's really a very simple case. 183 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:49,200 Under the contract, Joan Collins had to deliver a complete manuscript. 184 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,080 I emphasise the word "complete". 185 00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:56,280 Miss Collins may have written 125,000 words, 186 00:11:56,320 --> 00:12:00,520 but if those meandering words make no sense whatsoever, 187 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:04,880 how can her book, if we can call it that, ever be considered complete? 188 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:09,600 It is Random House's contention that the defendant has to return 189 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,120 the advance of $1 million. Throughout this case, 190 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:17,320 I will remind you, the hard-working men and women of the jury, 191 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:20,760 that Miss Collins is a professional actress. 192 00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:25,160 So, don't be suckered in when she plays the victim. 193 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:29,400 For in this case, she is anything but. Thank you. 194 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,920 (THEY WHISPER) 195 00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:38,800 Mr Burrows? 196 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:42,200 We will argue that "complete" is a quantity term, 197 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:44,320 not a "quality" term. 198 00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:50,760 -Is that it? -Less is more. Not always, in my experience. 199 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,920 Why not say The Ruling Passion is quality? Tell them that! 200 00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,080 That is not what we're here to argue, Joan. 201 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,160 Please, you have to trust me. Mr Callagy, 202 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,880 do you want to call your -first witness? -Thank you, judge. 203 00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:03,520 The plaintiff calls Miss Joni Evans. 204 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,320 I've been looking forward to this. 205 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:32,720 Miss Evans, do you swear the truth, the whole truth, 206 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,040 and nothing but the truth, so help you, God? 207 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:38,440 -I do. -Bet the bitch would reject that book, too! 208 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:42,080 Miss Evans, you worked at Random House as an editor. 209 00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,120 Before The Ruling Passion was written, 210 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,560 you had a few meetings with Joan, correct? 211 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:50,320 -Yes. -What was discussed in those meetings? 212 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:53,440 We were trying to come up with a credible plot. 213 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,880 So, Joni and I agreed on the plot. 214 00:13:56,920 --> 00:14:00,880 A story about a Princess Diana type, and her sister. 215 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:03,400 Only in Monaco. 216 00:14:03,440 --> 00:14:06,560 One has a miscarriage, the other one has a husband 217 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:09,560 who's as gay as a daffodil... (OTHERS LAUGH) 218 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,880 Once Joni and I had agreed on that plot, 219 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:17,640 then I jetted to the Riviera to write. 220 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:21,680 So, when you returned, what did Miss Evans make of your work? 221 00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:26,600 (SCOFFS) She told me the plot was, in her words, 222 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:28,680 absolutely diabolical. 223 00:14:28,720 --> 00:14:33,480 -And what did you say to her? -I said, "Joni, this is the plot we agreed!" 224 00:14:33,520 --> 00:14:37,920 And Joni just said, "Well, I made a mistake." 225 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,960 (CAMERAS CLICK) 226 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:48,880 What was your reaction on receiving the manuscript from Joan Collins? 227 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:55,000 I remember feeling alarmed, that it was very...primitive. 228 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:57,640 When you say primitive, what do you mean by that? 229 00:14:57,680 --> 00:15:01,360 Well, it was not credible. Jumbled and disjointed, 230 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:03,400 it was utter garbage, frankly. 231 00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:06,240 Did you try to give Miss Collins help on her book? 232 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:09,680 I told her if it needs a writer who will work with you, 233 00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:12,840 let's find that writer. If it needs an editor or two editors 234 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:15,080 or five editors, let's do that. 235 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,960 Did she take you up on the offer? No. 236 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,720 The bitch! 237 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:21,960 Did you have something to add, Miss Collins? 238 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,400 Ah, no, my client just...sneezed, Your Honour. 239 00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:31,640 I repeatedly begged Joni Evans for some face-to-face meetings. 240 00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:33,680 And how did she respond? 241 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:36,120 She was too busy, staying with Jeffrey Archer. 242 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,200 Who is Jeffrey Archer? 243 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:42,960 Who is Lord Jeffrey Archer? Yes, who is Lord Jeffrey Archer? 244 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:47,720 Lord Jeffrey Archer is not only an incredibly principled politician, 245 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,000 he's also the Charles Dickens of our day. 246 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:55,040 And hosts the most wonderful champagne and shepherd's pie parties. 247 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,120 I didn't get the invite. 248 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,160 (THEY LAUGH) 249 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:03,560 Yes, I admit I did go to Jeffrey Archer's house. 250 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,800 -Which one? -The one in The Bahamas. 251 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,440 Nice, and how long were you there for? A day, a long weekend? 252 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,080 -A month. -During this sun-soaked month 253 00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:15,240 in a millionaire's tropical mansion, it was just you, 254 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,280 beavering away on Jeffrey's -latest offering? -No. 255 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,800 How many editors were -out there with you? -Just two. 256 00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:24,720 So, just you and one other person? No, me and two others. 257 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:27,880 So, three editors for one month in The Bahamas, 258 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:30,200 all to help Lord Jeffrey Archer, 259 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:35,760 an author who's already sold over 200 million books. 260 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,200 Well, unlike Joan's book, 261 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,520 Jeff's was actually salvageable. 262 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,200 (MURMURING) 263 00:16:42,240 --> 00:16:46,360 The contract Joan Collins signed says she needed to turn in 264 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:49,840 a complete manuscript of 125,000 words. 265 00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:51,920 -Is that correct? -Yes. 266 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:55,720 Many contracts at Random House say the author needs to turn in 267 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:59,600 a complete and satisfactory manuscript. 268 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,600 Why was the wording different for Miss Collins? 269 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,680 Her agent at the time, Swifty Lazar, insisted on it. 270 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,440 Or he would take the book off to another publisher. 271 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:14,400 So, is Miss Collins's manuscript, The Ruling Passion, complete? 272 00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,440 It's complete something. 273 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:19,040 (LAUGHTER) 274 00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:21,400 Let me rephrase the question. 275 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,520 Did Miss Collins just randomly write 276 00:17:24,560 --> 00:17:29,680 125,000 words in no particular order? 277 00:17:29,720 --> 00:17:31,320 Yes. 278 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:33,440 -Excuse me? -Yes. 279 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,720 You're saying yes, she did? 280 00:17:38,760 --> 00:17:40,840 Yes, she did.(GASPS) 281 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,280 So, uh... I just... 282 00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,320 OK, so, 283 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,360 these 125,000 words were... 284 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:52,600 Were just arbitrary? 285 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:55,920 It wasn't gibberish, but it wasn't what anyone would call a book. 286 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:58,320 So, you're saying a monkey with a typewriter 287 00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:00,600 could have written The Ruling Passion? 288 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,000 Given enough time, sure. 289 00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,040 (LAUGHTER) 290 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:09,320 (CHUCKLES) 291 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:12,760 (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) 292 00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:14,280 (COUGHS) 293 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:16,920 -Joan, Joan! -No questions, please. 294 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:19,480 What's it like to have your work trashed on live TV? 295 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,240 Will you have to stop writing now? I said no questions. 296 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,040 Have you spent the million dollars already? 297 00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,400 Are you broke, now Dynasty's cancelled? 298 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,600 Is it true your book could've been written 299 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,720 by a monkey with a typewriter? 300 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:41,160 Darling, you were wonderful today. I was glued to the television. 301 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:43,680 -Bra-vo! -It was a disaster. 302 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:47,320 "Disaster" is a strong word. All right, how about "catastrophe"? 303 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,920 Joan, you're being melodramatic. Monty, if I lose this case, 304 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,880 I'm ruined. I don't have the advance. The money is long gone. 305 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,520 It's a million dollars, you can't have spent all of it. 306 00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:00,160 It's not cheap being Joan Collins! 307 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:03,320 The public expect me to look the part, day and night. 308 00:19:03,360 --> 00:19:06,240 They don't realise it's all just a fantasy. 309 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,400 There's this case, the tax man, Swifty's share, 310 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:12,640 which he took to the grave, and of course, Savile Row suits for you. 311 00:19:12,680 --> 00:19:14,880 I'm Mr Joan Collins, I need to look the part. 312 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:17,000 Darling, I didn't mean to snap at you, but 313 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,560 for the first time in my life, I'm frightened. 314 00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,800 Promise you'll visit me in prison. 315 00:19:23,840 --> 00:19:26,840 You don't get sent to prison for writing a terrible book. 316 00:19:28,320 --> 00:19:30,800 Oh, so now you think it's terrible? 317 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:34,360 No, no, I'm not saying that. That's what they were saying in court! 318 00:19:35,520 --> 00:19:38,160 What would you give The Ruling Passion out of 10? 319 00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,000 -10. -You hesitated.11. 320 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:46,160 That's better. 321 00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,320 Make love to me. 322 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:53,840 Maybe we should just finish our champagne first. 323 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:03,000 (GLASS CLINKS)(GASPS) 324 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,440 (BELL RINGS) 325 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,360 OK. Here we go again. 326 00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,760 Court is in session. Mr Callagy? 327 00:20:20,080 --> 00:20:23,480 I'd like to call Miss Lucianne Goldberg to the stand. 328 00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:30,600 -Who is this woman? -She's an editor and a ghost writer. 329 00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:34,560 Miss Goldberg, have you read Miss Collins's manuscript 330 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:38,160 for The Ruling Passion? I have, several times. 331 00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,720 Perhaps you could summarise what the book is about? 332 00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,960 (SCOFFS) Well, I'll try. 333 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,000 (THEY LAUGH) 334 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:51,120 There are two sisters, I think. One of them is pregnant, 335 00:20:51,160 --> 00:20:54,520 except then, she's not. There are a few hunks. 336 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:59,080 Someone's gay, and there's a whole lot of sex. 337 00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:01,120 Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex! 338 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,760 It's a mess. Even the sex is a mess. 339 00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,560 OK, can we focus in on the story? 340 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:11,280 Objection, Your Honour. 341 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:14,280 This case is not about whether the story makes sense. 342 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:16,320 Overruled. 343 00:21:16,360 --> 00:21:21,200 Do you remember, one of the sisters, Desiree, starting taking pills? 344 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,160 She developed a drug problem. Sure, I remember. 345 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,400 And suddenly, there's no mention of a drug problem whatsoever. 346 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:30,320 So, what happened? 347 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,360 It's a miracle!(LAUGHTER) 348 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:37,640 And at one point, Desiree has a heart operation 349 00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,240 caused by a stroke, from the chemotherapy, of course. 350 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,560 And this is all before the coma. 351 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:47,240 Now, from the midway part of the book, 352 00:21:47,280 --> 00:21:50,280 none of these terminal problems were ever mentioned again. 353 00:21:50,320 --> 00:21:53,560 Now, how do you account for that? Another miracle! 354 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:55,600 (THEY LAUGH) 355 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,240 I'd like you to read page 96, the first five lines. 356 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:05,760 "'What's wrong, my little cabbage?' He pouted sweetly. 357 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:10,400 "'How dare you, Pascal?! I'm not anyone's little cabbage. 358 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,640 "'Least of all, yours.'"(LAUGHTER) 359 00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,440 "She lowered her voice to a whisper. 360 00:22:15,480 --> 00:22:18,920 "'You're still gay, aren't you? 361 00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,520 "'Even after last night!'" 362 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:25,400 -Who's Pascal? -I have absolutely no idea. 363 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:28,960 Except that he likes cabbages, and he might still be gay. 364 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:30,640 (LAUGHTER) 365 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:32,680 I have no more questions, Your Honour. 366 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,040 Mr Burrows, your witness. 367 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,600 (CLEARS THROAT) 368 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,400 Good luck. 369 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,720 Miss Goldberg, it is I think clear to everyone here 370 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:46,040 that as far as The Ruling Passion is concerned, 371 00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:49,200 there is some room for improvement. 372 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,360 (WHISPERS) Who's side are you on?! 373 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,920 We've heard a lot of negative opinion about the book, 374 00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:56,320 but what were its merits? 375 00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:58,640 It's the right weight for a book. 376 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:03,240 So, there was nothing in those 125,000 words you found enjoyable, 377 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,120 nothing at all. Oh, sure, I enjoyed it. 378 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:10,840 I'm just not sure if the bits I enjoyed were...intentional. 379 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:13,200 Let's cut to the chase, Miss Goldberg. 380 00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:16,800 In your experience as an editor, is the book fixable? 381 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:18,920 -Objection! -Overruled. 382 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,760 Well, I'd have to take a pencil and some scissors to it. 383 00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,240 The question, Miss Goldberg, was is it fixable? 384 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,560 Oh, sure, it was fixable. 385 00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:33,480 Just like Desiree's drug addiction, heart attack and terminal cancer! 386 00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:36,720 Is The Ruling Passion a complete manuscript? 387 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,560 -Objection! -Overruled. 388 00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,760 Is The Ruling Passion a complete manuscript? 389 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:57,480 Absolutely. 390 00:23:57,520 --> 00:24:00,000 No further questions. 391 00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:05,000 (BANGS GAVEL) 392 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,880 No, don't. 393 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:22,520 Joan, don't be upset. You're doing great. 394 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:25,520 Wish I could say the same for you! We're on top here. 395 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,880 Lucianne has just put us in the driving seat. 396 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,640 Didn't you hear her say your book was a complete manuscript? 397 00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,320 I couldn't hear anything over the mocking laughter. 398 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:35,680 Mustn't take it personally. It is personal! 399 00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:38,000 Making me out to be some sort of village idiot, 400 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,560 who couldn't write a shopping list. Surely Joan Collins 401 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,800 has someone to write her shopping lists for her? 402 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,760 Of course I do. Many of them, but that's not the point. 403 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:48,040 I put my heart and soul into that book. 404 00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,240 Whether you did or you didn't doesn't matter. 405 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:52,280 It matters to me! 406 00:24:52,320 --> 00:24:54,560 My literary career is all I have now. 407 00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,880 Roles like Alexis don't come around again for an actress of my age. 408 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,920 You may not believe this, Ken. 409 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,200 But I'm 62. 410 00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:11,040 -No?You hesitated! -No, I didn't. 411 00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:13,280 Yes, you did. 412 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,520 I know hesitation when I hear it. 413 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:20,920 I'm three years off getting my free bus pass! 414 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:25,320 Well, every cloud. This is hard, Ken. 415 00:25:26,320 --> 00:25:28,480 It's harder than I ever thought it would be. 416 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,520 I honestly don't think I can hold it together if that bastard 417 00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:36,400 -calls me to the stand! -There is no way that is gonna happen. 418 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:38,640 You said you delivered a complete manuscript, 419 00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:41,400 the expert has agreed. What else is there to ask you about? 420 00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,400 Going over the same ground's only gonna weaken his case. 421 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:48,720 You mark my words. Callagy won't dare call you today. 422 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,920 (SIGHS) (BELL RINGS) 423 00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:57,320 -How do I look? -Absolute perfection. Too fast this time. 424 00:25:59,360 --> 00:26:01,000 (BANGS GAVEL) 425 00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:04,120 And on it goes. Mr Callagy? 426 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,320 The next witness, please. I'd like to call to the stand 427 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,120 Miss Joan Collins. 428 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,080 Miss Collins? 429 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,400 Did you think that The Ruling Passion was good enough? 430 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,600 Good enough for what? Answer the question, 431 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:46,760 at the time that you submitted it, did you think it was good enough? 432 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:51,800 -Good enough for what? -Did you think the manuscript you delivered 433 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,400 was good enough for anything? Good enough for anything? Um... 434 00:26:57,320 --> 00:27:01,840 -..yes. -That's interesting. Because in 1992, you took The Globe newspaper 435 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,520 to court, because they took pictures of you topless 436 00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,920 in the south of France at your villa. Isn't that correct? 437 00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:11,040 -Uh, objection. -Overruled. 438 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:16,800 Yes, that's correct. And during that trial, 439 00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,760 you testified that you were so upset, you claimed 440 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:24,280 you could not concentrate to write The Ruling Passion. 441 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,320 -Is that correct? -Yes. 442 00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,880 Miss Collins, this is the testimony from that trial, 443 00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:32,280 what you gave under oath. May I approach the bench? 444 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,040 Please do. 445 00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:40,440 Would you read page 126, line No.7? 446 00:27:40,480 --> 00:27:43,560 And remember, you told this jury under oath, 447 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:47,320 that you thought The Ruling Passion was good enough for anything. 448 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,960 "I just knew it wasn't good enough." 449 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,160 And that was truthful at the time, wasn't it? 450 00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:02,160 It was partially truthful. Wait a minute, you were under oath 451 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:04,680 at the Globe trial, weren't you? 452 00:28:04,720 --> 00:28:06,960 Yes, but I...The question. 453 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:10,520 Miss Collins, I remind you that when you take the oath 454 00:28:10,560 --> 00:28:12,880 and you swear on the Bible, it's for the whole truth, 455 00:28:12,920 --> 00:28:15,400 not a part truth. -Do you understand that? -Yes. 456 00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:19,080 Yes. 457 00:28:20,360 --> 00:28:23,920 So, what you're saying is, that you told one jury one thing 458 00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,760 when you were suing for $20 million and you tell this jury 459 00:28:26,800 --> 00:28:30,640 another story, so that you don't have to return a $1 million advance. 460 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:34,400 -Yes or no? -No, I haven't... No is the answer. Next question. 461 00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:38,200 -Have you no shame? -Objection! Sustained. 462 00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:42,040 (SIGHS) I have no more questions. 463 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,760 Thank you, Miss Collins. That'll be all, for now. 464 00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:50,680 OK, court is adjourned. See you tomorrow. 465 00:28:57,440 --> 00:28:59,440 (WHIMPERS) 466 00:29:21,680 --> 00:29:23,280 Mm. 467 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:28,280 What's the matter, darling? You've barely touched your caviar. 468 00:29:28,320 --> 00:29:31,080 I can't eat at a time like this. 469 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:34,280 -I'm sick with worry! -Just ignore what the newspapers are saying. 470 00:29:34,320 --> 00:29:36,840 What have they been saying? As for that David Letterman, 471 00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:38,880 he deserves a bloody good biff on the nose! 472 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,960 Has he made a joke about me? One or two. 473 00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,520 But his jokes just aren't funny. You actually look 474 00:29:43,560 --> 00:29:46,600 -fabulous for your age. -Are you trying to upset me, Monty? 475 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:49,560 No! I'm trying to make you feel better. 476 00:29:49,600 --> 00:29:52,560 People have been saying it's great to have you back on the box. 477 00:29:52,600 --> 00:29:55,640 -On Court TV?! -It's actually fantastic entertainment. 478 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:58,520 Well, I'm glad you found it entertaining, watching my life 479 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,120 unravel before the world. Have some more bubbly! 480 00:30:02,160 --> 00:30:04,360 Monty, I don't think you understand. 481 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,720 If I lose this case, we lose everything. 482 00:30:07,760 --> 00:30:09,960 I don't think you have anything to worry about. 483 00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,480 The jury should be on your side by now. 484 00:30:12,520 --> 00:30:14,800 They must have lapped up those crocodile tears. 485 00:30:14,840 --> 00:30:18,360 A stroke of genius. I almost believed them myself! 486 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,000 How dare you? Those tears were real! 487 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,720 I don't think you have the slightest idea how distressing 488 00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:27,200 this case has been for me. I'm beginning to wonder 489 00:30:27,240 --> 00:30:29,800 if you know me at all. Oh, darling, I was just trying... 490 00:30:29,840 --> 00:30:31,960 I'm going to bed, and that's not an invitation. 491 00:30:32,000 --> 00:30:34,840 Tonight, you can sleep on the couch. 492 00:30:34,880 --> 00:30:36,880 (DOOR SLAMS) 493 00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:46,560 (WHIMPERS) 494 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,160 (SNIFFS) 495 00:30:54,960 --> 00:30:57,560 (TV PLAYS) 496 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:00,600 -REPORTER: -In court today, an almost unrecognisable Joan Collins 497 00:31:00,640 --> 00:31:04,360 was a shadow of her former self, as she was accused of lying under oath. 498 00:31:04,400 --> 00:31:07,880 (REMOTE CLICKS) Joan Collins is so old, she wrote her first book 499 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,920 on stone tablets.(LAUGHTER) 500 00:31:09,960 --> 00:31:13,040 I know! I shouldn't be rude, it sold very well. 501 00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:16,000 It kept The Ten Commandments off the top of the best-seller list. 502 00:31:16,040 --> 00:31:19,240 (REMOTE CLICKS) Call me a bitch, see if I care! 503 00:31:19,280 --> 00:31:21,680 I make no apology for being a woman who goes out there 504 00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:25,040 and gets what she wants, every single time. 505 00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:28,920 (MUSIC STOPS) Look at you. 506 00:31:30,640 --> 00:31:32,720 What have you become? 507 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,160 Don't ignore me, Joan. 508 00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:39,480 -Me?Yes, you! -Hey! (THUDDING) 509 00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:41,520 You've become a punchline. 510 00:31:41,560 --> 00:31:43,560 How are you talking to me? 511 00:31:43,600 --> 00:31:46,440 It's a dream sequence, the sort of thing we used to do in Dynasty. 512 00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,720 Joan, what happened to you in that court room? 513 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:51,920 You let them walk all over you like the door mat at The Savoy. 514 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:56,360 Where was Joan? All I could see was some meek little beige woman. 515 00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,400 That's who I am. 516 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,280 (SOBS) A meek little beige woman who writes trashy novels. 517 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,560 And apparently, I'm not even any good at that. 518 00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,400 Don't make me come out of this TV and slap you. 519 00:32:10,440 --> 00:32:12,760 Of course that's not who you are! 520 00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:16,080 You're a ball-breaker. And when I look around that court room, 521 00:32:16,120 --> 00:32:19,200 all I see is a lot of balls that are still intact. 522 00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:22,520 Lovely speech, but this is my real life. 523 00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:25,080 -It's not Dynasty. -You're the star! 524 00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,240 Why don't you behave like one? 525 00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,360 I'm not a star any more. 526 00:32:33,080 --> 00:32:35,080 If I'm honest, 527 00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:37,160 I don't know who I am. 528 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:39,200 I'll tell you who you are. 529 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,640 You're Joan bloody Collins! 530 00:32:44,640 --> 00:32:46,640 Don't you ever forget that. 531 00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,840 (CAR HORNS BEEP) 532 00:33:16,880 --> 00:33:19,880 -Where's your client? -I don't know. 533 00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,000 She'll be in contempt of court. 534 00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,640 What are you wearing? 535 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:45,680 Haute couture. 536 00:33:45,720 --> 00:33:49,160 And before you ask, I don't think they have it in your size. 537 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,800 Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, 538 00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:56,360 and welcome to the grand finale. Don't look the jury in the eye! 539 00:33:56,400 --> 00:33:59,880 We did it your way. Now, we're going to do it my way. 540 00:34:03,080 --> 00:34:05,080 Nice of you to join us! 541 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:08,800 Let's begin. Mr Callagy. 542 00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:11,560 I wish to call Miss Joan Collins to the stand. 543 00:34:13,480 --> 00:34:15,640 (HUMS) 544 00:34:15,680 --> 00:34:17,560 (WHISPERS) Joan? 545 00:34:25,160 --> 00:34:29,280 Your Honour, she's taking too long. Overruled! (LAUGHS) 546 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,320 Joan, please. 547 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:45,960 I love what you're wearing. We could be twins! 548 00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:49,400 Please, Miss Collins. 549 00:34:49,440 --> 00:34:51,000 Sorry! 550 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,760 -You may begin. -Miss Collins, 551 00:35:08,800 --> 00:35:12,000 did Random House ever say to you that your manuscript, 552 00:35:12,040 --> 00:35:14,400 the one you submitted, was not good enough? 553 00:35:14,440 --> 00:35:16,720 What is this, Mr Callagy? A memory test? 554 00:35:16,760 --> 00:35:18,920 Answer the question. 555 00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:22,720 (PUFFS) Yes, at same point. 556 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:24,760 Yes is the answer. 557 00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,800 Now, would you look at page 113, line 6? 558 00:35:27,840 --> 00:35:31,040 -In my book? -No, in your deposition. 559 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,160 You need to be clear, Mr Callagy. 560 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:36,080 It's what Random House is paying you squillions for. 561 00:35:36,120 --> 00:35:39,880 (THEY LAUGH) In your deposition, which you gave under oath 562 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,280 when I questioned about this case, 563 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:45,560 what was your answer to that question then? 564 00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,560 What was what answer to what question when? 565 00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:53,200 Did Random House ever tell you that the manuscript you submitted 566 00:35:53,240 --> 00:35:55,240 was not good enough? 567 00:36:08,320 --> 00:36:10,000 No. 568 00:36:12,360 --> 00:36:15,200 Good. Now, page 1. 569 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,640 In my book or the deposition? In your book. 570 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:20,840 You're confusing me. Well, let me help you. 571 00:36:20,880 --> 00:36:23,400 Oh, Mr Callagy, you're not supposed to come close to me 572 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:25,440 without asking permission. 573 00:36:25,480 --> 00:36:27,800 (LAUGHTER) 574 00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,720 Your honour, may I approach? You may approach. 575 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,440 That's quite close enough! 576 00:36:34,480 --> 00:36:37,880 Is it true that your manuscript was in such a terrible state, 577 00:36:37,920 --> 00:36:41,440 that you couldn't find the title? I gave it many titles. 578 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,320 So incomplete was your writing, that at one moment, 579 00:36:44,360 --> 00:36:47,400 you called your book The Ruling Passion. 580 00:36:47,440 --> 00:36:49,760 Another, Hell To Pay. 581 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:52,600 And then, Lie Back And Think Of England. 582 00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:56,680 I've come up with a lot names for you during this trial, Mr Callagy. 583 00:36:56,720 --> 00:36:59,920 But that doesn't mean I don't know exactly what you are. 584 00:36:59,960 --> 00:37:01,960 (LAUGHTER) 585 00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:07,160 Are there any further questions? No further questions. 586 00:37:07,200 --> 00:37:09,600 The defence rests, Your Honour. 587 00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:13,280 I'd like to say a few words. Please, Miss Collins. Sit back down! 588 00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:18,280 This is David versus Goliath. 589 00:37:19,520 --> 00:37:24,160 Goliath, the international publishing empire Random House, 590 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:26,200 versus me. 591 00:37:26,240 --> 00:37:29,560 A humble, jobbing actress. 592 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:33,280 Mr Burrows, can you -control your client? -Nope. 593 00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:38,040 They have attempted to humiliate me by trashing my unedited manuscript. 594 00:37:38,080 --> 00:37:40,080 I wrote them a book. 595 00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:44,960 I put my heart and soul into that book. 596 00:37:47,080 --> 00:37:49,240 (SOBS) And yes... 597 00:37:49,280 --> 00:37:51,640 ..mad, crazy things happen in it! 598 00:37:52,720 --> 00:37:55,640 But don't mad, crazy things happen in life? 599 00:37:57,440 --> 00:38:01,080 Nobody held a gun to their heads to give me all that money. 600 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:03,920 I kept my end of the bargain, 601 00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:06,880 but they did not uphold theirs. 602 00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:09,920 David versus Goliath. 603 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:12,800 We all know how that story ends in the Bible. 604 00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,040 Is that really a story you want to rewrite? 605 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,120 Call me old-fashioned, 606 00:38:21,160 --> 00:38:23,680 but I prefer God's version. 607 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,160 Finished? 608 00:38:26,200 --> 00:38:27,760 Yes. 609 00:38:30,000 --> 00:38:32,200 -You may continue. -Thank you. 610 00:38:34,160 --> 00:38:36,840 Jury, you may now deliberate. 611 00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,000 What the hell were you doing in there? 612 00:38:40,040 --> 00:38:43,120 Being myself, Joan bloody Collins! 613 00:38:43,160 --> 00:38:46,600 Well, I hope that little performance was worth $1 million, 614 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:48,960 because that's what it looks like it's cost you. 615 00:38:52,720 --> 00:38:54,720 (DOOR SLAMS) 616 00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,400 (DOOR OPENS) We're back. 617 00:39:16,440 --> 00:39:18,440 (BELL RINGS) 618 00:39:29,520 --> 00:39:31,360 All rise. 619 00:39:51,120 --> 00:39:53,720 With respect to the allegation that Joan Collins 620 00:39:53,760 --> 00:39:56,280 failed to deliver a complete manuscript... 621 00:39:59,960 --> 00:40:01,960 ..how do you find the defendant? 622 00:40:15,880 --> 00:40:17,320 Not guilty. 623 00:40:17,360 --> 00:40:19,360 (GASPS) 624 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:23,080 Yeah!(APPLAUSE) 625 00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:28,320 (CHEERING) 626 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:30,640 Order! 627 00:40:31,920 --> 00:40:35,680 Order! one of your many toys... 628 00:40:35,720 --> 00:40:38,760 Order! 629 00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:43,600 (BANGS GAVEL) Order! I can't go with other boys 630 00:40:45,880 --> 00:40:49,120 ♪ And don't tell me what to do 631 00:40:50,160 --> 00:40:53,360 ♪ Don't tell me what to say... Ho-ho! 632 00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:56,320 ♪ And please, when I go out with you... 633 00:40:56,360 --> 00:41:00,640 -We did it! -Yes, I did it.(LAUGHS) 634 00:41:02,520 --> 00:41:04,680 ♪ ..you don't owe me 635 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:09,880 ♪ Don't try to change me in any way 636 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:12,400 ♪ You don't own me... ♪ 637 00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,760 Will you sign your book, please, Miss Collins? 638 00:41:17,800 --> 00:41:19,800 -And this? -Oh! 639 00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,920 Well, I couldn't have done it without my supporting cast. 640 00:41:24,280 --> 00:41:26,320 My God, you can smile. 641 00:41:26,360 --> 00:41:28,960 You were all so completely stony-faced during the trial, 642 00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:31,120 -it terrified me. -We were told to. 643 00:41:31,160 --> 00:41:33,840 Never let anyone tell you what to do. 644 00:41:33,880 --> 00:41:36,040 Always be yourself. 645 00:41:42,080 --> 00:41:44,920 In answer to your question, Mr Callagy. 646 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,400 No, I don't have any shame. 647 00:41:48,800 --> 00:41:50,960 But I do have $1 million. 648 00:41:52,640 --> 00:41:54,720 It's Joni, isn't it? 649 00:42:03,160 --> 00:42:05,160 Happy reading! 650 00:42:09,040 --> 00:42:11,960 -Miss Collins! -How do you feel, Miss Collins? 651 00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:15,640 Extremely, extremely, extremely happy. 652 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:19,520 This has ended two years of absolute hell. 653 00:42:19,560 --> 00:42:23,000 They laughed at my writing, they called me a liar, 654 00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:25,400 they dragged my name through the mud. 655 00:42:25,440 --> 00:42:27,440 But I won. 656 00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:30,200 Let it be known that I did not take on this fight for me. 657 00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:32,240 Lord knows I don't need the money. 658 00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:35,440 I took on this fight for authors the world over. 659 00:42:35,480 --> 00:42:39,040 And I can now announce that this whole saga 660 00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,840 will be the last chapter in my new autobiography, 661 00:42:42,880 --> 00:42:44,480 Second Act. 662 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:48,600 So, this story does have a happy ending! 663 00:42:51,280 --> 00:42:53,280 Good job! (APPLAUSE) 664 00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:01,720 -I love you. -Who can blame you? 665 00:43:01,760 --> 00:43:03,760 Make love to me. 666 00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:05,880 I thought you'd never ask. 667 00:43:13,800 --> 00:43:17,000 ♪ And don't tell me what to do 668 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:21,360 ♪ Don't tell me what to say 669 00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:25,000 ♪ And please, when I go out with you 670 00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:30,160 ♪ Don't put me on display, cos 671 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,720 ♪ You don't own me 672 00:43:33,960 --> 00:43:37,920 ♪ Don't try to change me in any way 673 00:43:37,960 --> 00:43:40,160 ♪ You don't own me 674 00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:45,440 ♪ Don't tie me down cos I'd never stay 675 00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:51,600 ♪ I don't tell you what to say 676 00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,440 ♪ I don't tell you what to do 677 00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:59,320 ♪ So, just let me be myself 678 00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:02,800 ♪ That's all I ask of you 679 00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:06,840 ♪ I'm young and I love to be young 680 00:44:06,880 --> 00:44:10,640 ♪ I'm free and I love to be free... ♪ 681 00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:12,680 Subtitles by Deluxe 682 00:44:12,720 --> 00:44:15,480 E-mail: AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk