1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:06,000 This programme contains very strong language from the outset and throughout. 2 00:00:20,000 --> 00:00:21,720 ♪ Thank You For Being A Friend 3 00:00:24,240 --> 00:00:25,920 Ooh, I LOVE this! 4 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:29,880 Of course...you know WHY we love -this show so much, don't you? -Hm... 5 00:00:29,920 --> 00:00:31,960 WE'RE the Golden Girls. 6 00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:34,680 Old dears! Old?! 7 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:36,040 Hanging out together. 8 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:39,240 Lonely! Speak for your bloody self, dear. 9 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:41,880 I'm Rose, of course - sweet and kind. 10 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,640 Incredibly annoying. 11 00:00:43,680 --> 00:00:46,040 You're Sophia. Why the bloody hell am I Sophia? 12 00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,400 She's 4ft tall and 90! 13 00:00:48,440 --> 00:00:50,440 But she does go like a bloody train. 14 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:53,120 Ooh! (PEALS OF LAUGHTER) 15 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:55,000 (GIGGLES) My God! 16 00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:57,600 Diana, you're Blanche cos she... 17 00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,720 Dirty bitch! (GIGGLES) 18 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:02,760 I mean, honestly, I expect that sort of behaviour of this one, 19 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:05,240 but YOU - a princess. 20 00:01:05,280 --> 00:01:08,520 Oh, listen, boys, just tonight, 21 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,880 I'd just awfully like to NOT be a princess. 22 00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,520 What would you rather be - 23 00:01:12,560 --> 00:01:14,240 a plasterer? (GUFFAWS) 24 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:16,360 Get the fucking drinks in, love! (LAUGHS) 25 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,160 Much better. 26 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,000 Yah. 27 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,560 Oh, Ken, where's the bell for your butler? 28 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:25,320 Oh, isn't she funny? 29 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:27,320 (GIGGLES) 30 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:28,720 Ladies and gentlemen, 31 00:01:28,760 --> 00:01:30,960 the Princess of Wales! Sod off, Ken. 32 00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:32,960 (DOOR BUZZER) 33 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:35,000 (HUMS CHEERFULLY) 34 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:39,920 (SILLY VOICE) Hello! MAN: Taxi, Mr Everett. 35 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,640 Oh. Where are we going? 36 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:44,720 Oh... 37 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,360 No, we'd booked it before you came over. 38 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,120 It's OK. I'll just cancel. No, you bloody won't! 39 00:01:50,160 --> 00:01:52,520 I'm not going to get fucked sitting here, am I? 40 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,920 Well, if anyone can conjure a dick out of thin air, 41 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,160 it's you. (GIGGLES) 42 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,960 (DOOR BUZZER) 43 00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,120 (DOOR BUZZER) You SHALL go the ball, Ken, my dear. 44 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:04,880 There's two of us. 45 00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:07,160 It's not that we don't want you to come, 46 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,360 but it's...erm... 47 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,600 Honestly, you wouldn't like it. Why not? 48 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,640 Awful place. 49 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,720 Very rough, very dark. 50 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,760 Full of big sweaty, horrible men. 51 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,080 So why are YOU going? 52 00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,120 Big sweaty, horrible men! 53 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:23,600 Sounds jolly nice, actually. 54 00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:27,160 Honestly, it definitely ain't the Ritz, darling. 55 00:02:27,200 --> 00:02:29,040 It's OK. 56 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,040 I understand. 57 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,080 Oh, for goodness' sake, why can't she come? 58 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,040 Let the girl have some fun. 59 00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:37,240 Oh, yes, Fred, very clever (!) 60 00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,480 I can just see tomorrow's headlines. 61 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:43,120 'Princess of Wales pictured in gay club. 62 00:02:43,160 --> 00:02:44,840 Off her head on poppers.' 63 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,600 What if they don't know it's HER? 64 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:50,320 Freddie... 65 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:53,560 I can't walk to Marks without 40 people shouting, 66 00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:55,840 'It's all in the best possible taste!' 67 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:57,840 I bet you've only got to open your window 68 00:02:57,880 --> 00:02:59,840 before people start giving it all that: 69 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,840 ♪ I see a little silhouetto of a man 70 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:03,600 Fuck off. Scaramouch! 71 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,080 My point is...darling, 72 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:10,320 how on earth are we going to smuggle the most famous woman in the world 73 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:14,080 into the maddest gay bar in London without anyone knowing it's her? 74 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,400 I think we should just stay in. 75 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:19,000 Don't be such a boring old pouf. 76 00:03:19,040 --> 00:03:22,000 Come on, dear, the bloody suspense is killing us. 77 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:31,520 Well, what do you think? 78 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:33,440 Well... 79 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:35,880 I prefer 'em a little butcher myself, 80 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:37,600 but... 81 00:03:37,640 --> 00:03:39,680 you do make an awfully pretty boy. 82 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,400 Now try the voice. 83 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:43,920 I'm Jeremy. 84 00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,960 Pleased to meet yer. 85 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:48,120 Is that Northern? Try another one. 86 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,160 (FAKE COCKNEY) All right? 87 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,000 Ain't you a lovely-lookin' fella? 88 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:55,040 Oh, if I were you, I'd stay quiet. 89 00:03:55,080 --> 00:03:57,080 Let's go. Ooh! 90 00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:59,000 Isn't this jolly fun? 91 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,880 (CHUCKLES) 92 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:04,600 What? Oh, no, I was just wondering 93 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,240 if maybe we should dress down a little too, you know? 94 00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,280 I don't think you could, dear. You look like Ena fucking Sharples. 95 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:12,160 Thanks, Fred (!) 96 00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,440 No, I mean, so we don't attract attention. 97 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,680 Oh, well, I think the more attention on US 98 00:04:16,720 --> 00:04:18,720 the less attention on HER, don't you? 99 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:20,840 And I do find things happen much quicker 100 00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:22,880 when people know I'm Freddie Mercury. 101 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:24,800 Well, that's fine if you just want... 102 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,520 you know? 103 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:29,160 Well, I do and... I do. 104 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:31,840 Well, I don't. 105 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,720 (MELODRAMATICALLY) I'm lonely, Fred. 106 00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:37,640 You can say it in your normal voice, you know? 107 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,440 I'm lonely. How long do I have to wait, boys? 108 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:42,160 Coming, dear. 109 00:04:42,200 --> 00:04:44,560 Well, if you don't want to be Kenny Everett, 110 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:47,400 put this on, pull it down... 111 00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,320 Perfect. 112 00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,680 'Who's that mystery man?' they'll say. 113 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,520 Ena fucking Sharples... 114 00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,560 in a hat. 115 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,240 Thank you, by the way. 116 00:05:01,280 --> 00:05:04,160 It's honestly so nice to be out having a normal night. 117 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,880 Normal?! Normal? 118 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,560 Normal? Sorry. 119 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,160 Well, if this is normal, my dear, 120 00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,320 what on earth must the bloody Palace be like? 121 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:14,520 Oh, it's mental. You saw It's A Royal Knockout, didn't you? 122 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,240 They're like that all the time. Fucking awful. 123 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:18,960 It's like being on the Moon. 124 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,680 She's drunk! 125 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,440 Well, that's what I always thought. 126 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:27,480 It just feels awfully remote and silent. 127 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,160 And then I get wheeled out - 128 00:05:31,200 --> 00:05:33,760 the Princess - at some function, 129 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,600 and everybody stops and turns 130 00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:38,800 and waits to hear what I've got to say, and... 131 00:05:38,840 --> 00:05:41,160 well, I've been doing nothing. 132 00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:42,920 Just... 133 00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,480 on the Moon. 134 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,520 So what am I going to say? 135 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:49,560 (SILLY VOICE) Moon was nice. 136 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,160 Moon was lovely, very peaceful this time of year. 137 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:53,760 (CHUCKLES) 138 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:56,520 Well, anyway, thank you ever so. 139 00:05:56,560 --> 00:05:58,760 Ooh, we're a right bloody bunch, we are. 140 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:02,920 Well, here's to a normal night. 141 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:05,800 ♪ La-la-la la-la-la-la 142 00:06:05,840 --> 00:06:09,600 ♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la 143 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:13,680 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la 144 00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,760 ♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la 145 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:18,600 ♪ La-la-la 146 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:20,640 (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) 147 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:24,560 ♪ MY name is MacNamara, I'm the leader of the band 148 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:26,480 It's only a Wednesday, darling. 149 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,520 You should see it on a Saturday. 150 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,560 Just play it cool, OK? Come on. 151 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,320 Sorry! 152 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:37,760 Well, it's awfully bloody dark in these glasses. 153 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,800 For goodness' sake, stop it. 154 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,040 Are you sure someone won't recognise me? 155 00:06:44,080 --> 00:06:47,360 ♪ Ooh, and Henessee Tennessee tootles the flute 156 00:06:47,400 --> 00:06:49,000 ♪ My word, 'tis something grand 157 00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:50,680 Hey! Hello, dear. 158 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:52,560 ♪ Is MacNamara's band 159 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,600 Evening. La-la la-la-la-la 160 00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:58,360 ♪ La-la la-la-la la-la la-la-la-la Who's this? 161 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,320 Your boyfriend? 162 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:03,640 Something like that. 163 00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,040 Kenny, I need the lavatory. Is there a loo? 164 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,680 ♪ Whenever an election's on 165 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,640 ♪ We play on either side 166 00:07:14,680 --> 00:07:16,680 ♪ The way we play our fine old airs 167 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,720 ♪ Fills Irish hearts with pride 168 00:07:18,760 --> 00:07:22,400 ♪ Oh, if poor Tom Moore was living now, he'd make you understand 169 00:07:22,440 --> 00:07:25,880 Thank you. 170 00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,960 I almost think she's bloody gone and done it! 171 00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:30,880 Yes, but where's Di, dear? 172 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:32,840 She's just here. 173 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:34,520 Oh, fuck! 174 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:37,240 ♪ Ooh, and Henessee Tennessee tootles the flute 175 00:07:37,280 --> 00:07:39,400 ♪ My word, 'tis something grand 176 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:42,680 ♪ A credit to old Ireland, boys, is MacNamara's band 177 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,720 ♪ La-la-la 178 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:46,720 ♪ La-la la-la 179 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:49,880 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 180 00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,640 ♪ La-la la-la 181 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,800 ♪ La-la la-la-la 182 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,360 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 183 00:07:56,400 --> 00:07:58,160 Ken! 184 00:07:58,200 --> 00:07:59,960 Kenny, I really... 185 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:01,680 (WHISTLING) 186 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,840 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 187 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:06,880 (MURMURS) 188 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,400 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la 189 00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,280 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 190 00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:13,760 ♪ La-la-la 191 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:15,520 ♪ La-la la la-la-la 192 00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:19,360 What do you mean, she's gone? Well, do you know how she was here?! 193 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:23,720 (GASPS) Oh, my God, Freddie, we've lost the Princess of Wales! 194 00:08:23,760 --> 00:08:25,880 ♪ La-la la-la-la-la la-la-la 195 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:27,600 ♪ La-la-la! ♪ 196 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,960 (DANCE MUSIC AND CHATTER) 197 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,000 Sorry, busy. 198 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:08,240 Well, go and find her. Why me? 199 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,440 Because this whole stupid thing was your idea. 200 00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,480 But you're in disguise. 201 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,720 Bi-atch! 202 00:09:20,840 --> 00:09:23,720 How did it go? Killed it. 203 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:28,160 Showtime, motherfuckers! 204 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,200 I am coming to get you! 205 00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:32,880 (DOOR SHUTS) 206 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,280 (TOILET FLUSHING) 207 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,360 (GROANS) 208 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,320 (Oh, come on, you bastard.) 209 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,680 Careful, darling, no wig. 210 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,120 I'm sorry. I'm ever so sorry. 211 00:09:47,160 --> 00:09:49,000 I... (DEEPENS VOICE) I'm sorry. 212 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,880 (GULPS) No, you're all right. 213 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,720 At least you flushed! (POLITE LAUGH) 214 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,480 Put your hand back. 215 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,680 (GASPS) Oh, Je... 216 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:04,720 Jesus Christ. 217 00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:07,600 It's... It's YOU? 218 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:09,760 Er...yeah. 219 00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,480 I suppose it is. 220 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,200 Oh... Well, I should probably... 221 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,800 My friends will... Yeah. 222 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:18,880 Unless you want a hand with your dress. 223 00:10:18,920 --> 00:10:21,680 Oh, no, I don't like people seeing... Yeah. 224 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,800 No, honestly... It's really no bother. 225 00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:25,640 I... 226 00:10:25,680 --> 00:10:27,920 I'm not looking my best. 227 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,760 I don't mind. Really? 228 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:32,600 Of course I don't. 229 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,800 I'm sorry about my skin. It's... 230 00:10:37,840 --> 00:10:40,040 It's fine. 231 00:10:40,080 --> 00:10:42,080 What about your friends? 232 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:44,400 Oh, well, they'll be all right for a minute. 233 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,880 Probably haven't even noticed I've gone. 234 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:48,920 Where the fuck is she? 235 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,960 Excuse me. 236 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,200 I don't suppose... What's that, mate? 237 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,520 Oh, I was just wondering if... 238 00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,400 It's too loud. You're gonna have to... 239 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,120 What did you say, mate? Are you looking for someone? 240 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,160 I was. 241 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,200 I am, actually. 242 00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,240 What's YOUR name? 243 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:13,440 Tony. What's yours? 244 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:17,200 Now, that would be telling, wouldn't it? 245 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,440 Well, I bet you're wishing I'd kept my dress on now. 246 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,880 (LAUGHS) 247 00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:27,200 Sorry. 248 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,000 (CHUCKLES) For what? 249 00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:31,280 I... (SPLUTTERS) 250 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,520 I go round town with four jumpers on. 251 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,600 No-one's ever seen the state of me. 252 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:37,360 Nobody except, well, 253 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,120 Princess bloody Diana! 254 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:40,440 (SYMPATHETIC LAUGH) 255 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,800 What's with the... Oh. I... 256 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,240 I thought I might try and blend in for once, have a normal night. 257 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,520 Normal? Feel like I'm tripping! 258 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:51,680 Mm. 259 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:56,120 You know, I watched it over and over. 260 00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:58,800 The wedding. Oh. 261 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:00,960 I thought it was the most beautiful thing. 262 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,160 YOU were the most beautiful thing. 263 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,080 If I'd known then that you... 264 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,200 well, there would've been a million things 265 00:12:08,240 --> 00:12:09,920 I would have wanted to ask you. 266 00:12:09,960 --> 00:12:12,000 Oh, well... 267 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:14,880 I never really have anything interesting to say. 268 00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:16,640 It doesn't matter. 269 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,680 I can't think of anything to ask. 270 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,840 (SIGHS) 271 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:25,920 Not now anyway. 272 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,400 (SOBS SOFTLY) 273 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:32,440 Sorry. 274 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,360 It's OK. I know. (SNIFFS) 275 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:39,120 I just... 276 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:40,880 I don't cry. 277 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,440 (SIGHS) 278 00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:53,120 I wish you'd seen me before. 279 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:57,120 Not that you'd have any...reason to. 280 00:12:57,160 --> 00:12:59,160 I just... 281 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:03,760 I was... 282 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,480 Jesus, I was gorgeous. 283 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,120 I'm on the Town Planning Committee of the council. 284 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,840 Fascinating. And what is it you do? 285 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,680 Oh... 286 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:20,520 You know, boring. 287 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:22,560 Tell me more about YOU. 288 00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,360 What are you doing? 289 00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:28,160 We have lost Princess bloody Diana. 290 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:30,200 (Oh, don't panic, Fred.) 291 00:13:30,240 --> 00:13:31,920 He doesn't recognise me. 292 00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,680 He was just talking to me. 293 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,520 About what? Town planning. 294 00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,240 Ooh! 295 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:40,720 Oh, you don't get it. There's no catchphrases. 296 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,720 No 'In the best possible taste!' 297 00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:45,120 Lovely! 298 00:13:45,160 --> 00:13:47,160 Hi, Freddie. 299 00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,040 Hello, darling. 300 00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:50,600 (CHUCKLES) 301 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:52,840 I know this isn't like the done thing, 302 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,760 but can I just say I'm a massive fan? 303 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:57,720 Can I buy you a drink? What are you doing? 304 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,480 We were just talking. Oh. 305 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,320 Yeah, it's nice to meet you and that, 306 00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,680 but, well, this is Freddie Mercury. 307 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,680 And I'm... 308 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,440 Kenny Everett! 309 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:13,160 Off the telly? 310 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,600 Oh, I don't... I'm not much for the telly. 311 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,440 I've got a bit of gear if you'd rather. 312 00:14:17,480 --> 00:14:19,840 Oh, go on. Why the hell not? Where do you want to... 313 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:23,080 Cupid Stunt? You'll have seen Cupid Stunt. 314 00:14:23,120 --> 00:14:25,080 What about the table? Too sticky. 315 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,560 It's a joke. What about the loo? 316 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,600 It's always bloody busy in there. Come on, Sid Snot? 317 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,440 'Hello, lads, it's Snot here.' 318 00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:36,120 There must be somewhere else flat and clean? 319 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,240 Honestly, like that... 320 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:44,240 the whole world's turned inside out and upside down. 321 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:46,360 But this illness is... 322 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:49,680 We've got so much we want to tell people, 323 00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:52,760 but no fucker wants to listen. 324 00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:58,040 What? No, it's just... 325 00:14:59,040 --> 00:15:01,360 ..well, I've got absolutely nothing to say, 326 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:04,440 and everybody wants to listen. 327 00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,480 It's all in the best possible taste! 328 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:09,640 Freddie, what are we doing? 329 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,400 This is ridiculous. 330 00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,120 I know. It's so wrinkly and sweaty, 331 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:14,880 it's not happening at all. 332 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:16,600 No. 333 00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:19,480 Freddie, dear, we've lost our friend, you know, 334 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:24,520 who also just happens to be the most famous woman in the world 335 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,840 in this packed, rowdiest, punk gay bar. 336 00:15:26,880 --> 00:15:29,640 We need to find her, and we're not going to be able to do that 337 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:32,440 unless we stop attracting bloody attention to ourselves. 338 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,880 Now, let's get a move on. I wonder how keen you'd be 339 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:38,880 to get a move on if YOU were getting all the attention. 340 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,760 I could get him if I wanted him, you know? 341 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:42,600 I don't, but I could, if I did. 342 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,640 Excuse me, Kenny. 343 00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:47,160 Yes? 344 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,240 Oh, no. Excuse me, Kenny. 345 00:15:49,280 --> 00:15:51,760 So, Freddie, can I give you a call some time? 346 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,120 (MUTTERS) 347 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:00,360 Come here! 348 00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:02,160 Bitch! 349 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,920 Slut! 350 00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:07,320 I've seen things in these last few years. 351 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,080 Amazing things. 352 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:12,000 Guys nursing their blokes - 353 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,920 reading to them, singing to them, 354 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,960 feeding them, 355 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:18,040 cleaning the shit off of them, 356 00:16:18,080 --> 00:16:20,080 holding them while they die. 357 00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:24,120 I did it. 358 00:16:24,160 --> 00:16:26,080 When I first met him - 359 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,600 Terry - he was... 360 00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:31,440 well, something else. 361 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,160 Big bloke, you know? 362 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,160 Took care of himself. 363 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,760 Legs like... (CHUCKLES) 364 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,400 Not in the end, more like... 365 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,560 I know! 366 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:44,280 'Peepee.' 367 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:46,520 (BITTER LAUGH) 368 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,560 Those were his last words. 369 00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:51,520 All of a sudden, he had this panicked little look on his face 370 00:16:51,560 --> 00:16:53,600 because he didn't want to mess himself. 371 00:16:53,640 --> 00:16:56,760 Like a little boy he was, in the end. 372 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,760 'Peepee.' He always said 'piss', you know? 373 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:02,800 'Wazz' sometimes, but... 374 00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:06,360 He was lucky to have you. 375 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,360 He was, 376 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,280 cos it was OK for him to be a little boy. 377 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,440 Weak and helpless 378 00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,000 because he had someone who knew... 379 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,360 who really knew 380 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,440 how brave and how strong he was. 381 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:25,280 And now I need to go back home 382 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,400 cos he went first. 383 00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,640 I need to go back to my mum and dad... 384 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,000 ..and I'll be thin and I'll go blind 385 00:17:35,040 --> 00:17:37,960 and I'll look anything but fucking brave and strong, 386 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,280 and they'll watch me fade away 387 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,080 and they'll think it's... 388 00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:44,720 all my fault. 389 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:47,320 Wages of sin and all that, 390 00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:49,120 and they won't know 391 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,360 and they'll try and remember the better times, 392 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,200 before I got sick. 393 00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,160 They'll remember the old me... 394 00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:59,960 the sad, unhappy...little me. 395 00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,560 Cos they never knew the happy me, 396 00:18:03,600 --> 00:18:06,680 down here, or the brave me. 397 00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,720 No-one's going to remember that me. 398 00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:13,480 Cos there'll be no-one left. No-one that cared. 399 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:17,080 No-one that was here. You know? 400 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,040 I don't know that I understand. 401 00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:23,000 Oh, sweetheart. 402 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:26,560 There are so many of us, going or gone. 403 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:30,000 Half of them out there. More. 404 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:32,240 All of us - sometimes - it feels like. 405 00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,840 I know. 406 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,200 It doesn't look like it, does it? 407 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,560 All cheering and dancing and fucking. 408 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,000 No. 409 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,200 Why are they all dancing? 410 00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,640 What else are we gonna do? 411 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:50,920 Lived our whole lives - most of us - 412 00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:53,200 alone, different. 413 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,280 I'm not different. 414 00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,320 Wrong? 415 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:01,880 And then we... We find a place like this. 416 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,000 And it all finally makes sense. 417 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:10,400 And maybe we don't want them to take it away. 418 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,400 Maybe we just want to feel normal. 419 00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:15,440 In here... 420 00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:17,480 for a night. 421 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,760 That's all I want. 422 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,840 That's all? 423 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:27,000 Oh, that and my bloody health 424 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,120 and a million pounds and a shag, 425 00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:32,120 but...you know, 426 00:19:32,160 --> 00:19:34,760 you don't see many people climbing around me these days 427 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,440 looking for some action. (SCOFFS) 428 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,400 Or even a fucking hug or a kiss. 429 00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:47,160 Yeah. I meant off a bloke. 430 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,800 Oh! (LAUGHS) 431 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,000 You know I'm gay, right? 432 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:53,480 Yes, darling, I had realised. 433 00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:57,800 But thanks. 434 00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:01,440 (HUBBUB) 435 00:20:09,440 --> 00:20:13,400 There you are. We thought you'd been kidnapped by anarchists. 436 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:15,480 (LAUGHS) So... 437 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,440 THESE are your friends? 438 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,920 Yes. 439 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,920 How's that normal night working for you?(CHUCKLES) 440 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,880 Shall we make a move? Yes. 441 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:27,800 Erm...but before that, 442 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,880 could we not have a little dance? 443 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:34,520 That is what you normally do in a club, isn't it? 444 00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,400 ♪ NEW ORDER: Blue Monday 445 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,160 ♪ How does it feel 446 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,760 ♪ To treat me like you do 447 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:16,720 ♪ When you've laid your hands upon me 448 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,320 ♪ And told me who you are? ♪ 449 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:23,480 Oh, thank you for taking me out. 450 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,200 Sorry it wasn't exactly normal, my love. 451 00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:29,440 I don't think either of you two could ever have a normal night. 452 00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:31,480 And I hope that never changes. 453 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,000 Everything's changing, my dear. 454 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,200 I mean, come on, I'm going home alone. 455 00:21:38,240 --> 00:21:41,160 I only ever go out to find someone to stay IN with these days. 456 00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:45,440 You know, I think the next time people turn around 457 00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,160 expecting me to talk, 458 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:49,680 I should actually say something. 459 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,960 Let's get a taxi. 460 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,800 Nonsense. 461 00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:57,120 I've spied a far more appropriate carriage for royalty. 462 00:21:59,040 --> 00:22:01,600 (WHOOPS) 463 00:22:03,760 --> 00:22:05,800 (TRIUMPHANT LAUGH) 464 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:08,320 Come on, my dear. Getting in... 465 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,120 (WHOOPS) 466 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:11,880 OK. 467 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,000 Ready? Go! 468 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,800 Whoo! 469 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:19,280 ♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me 470 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,160 ♪ And the card attached would say 471 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,680 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 472 00:22:26,880 --> 00:22:28,880 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 473 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,080 ♪ Thank you for being a friend 474 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,440 ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪ 475 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:44,360 subtitles by Deluxe AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk