1 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:36,600 (HEAVY ROCK BLARES OUT) 2 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:45,280 (MUSIC STOPS) 3 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,960 Why are you walking towards me, Mike? 4 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:02,680 No. It's like you're trying to fold it with a TV in it. 5 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,840 You're such a clown. Mike, stand still. 6 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:09,800 -Have you been looting? -If we'd been looting, why would it be in a blanket? 7 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,840 Fingerprints. 8 00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,880 It came through the window. I know how looting works. 9 00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,520 It came through THAT window. 10 00:01:17,560 --> 00:01:19,920 (CRASHING FROM INSIDE) Room 211. 11 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,520 Johnny Cash's room. Exactly. 12 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,000 But it's rock musicians who throw tellies out of hotel windows. 13 00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:29,000 That's how they maintain they're fabulously muscular abdomens. 14 00:01:29,040 --> 00:01:32,120 Johnny Cash is country and western. More of a thinker. 15 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:36,040 Songs about unsuccessful marriages and late night rail travel. 16 00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,160 He's been on the rampage. There were sounds of an argument, 17 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,680 bad language and now, he's barricaded himself in his room. 18 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:44,760 Barricaded? Well, he's put the chain on. 19 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:47,320 JOHNNY: Aarrghhhhh! 20 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,360 -That's the trouser press. -Did he not get my welcoming card 21 00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:52,880 saying he should come to me with any concerns? 22 00:01:52,920 --> 00:01:54,760 I included my extension number. 23 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:57,040 JOHNNY: NO! Oooh! 24 00:01:58,080 --> 00:02:00,640 Shortbread fingers. You got lucky this time. 25 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,320 JOHNNY: Not again! 26 00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:05,960 Should we call the police? Definitely not. 27 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,520 The Evening Post will have us for breakfast. 28 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,560 Cash, Bang, Wallop! That's the headline I'd anticipate. 29 00:02:11,600 --> 00:02:15,320 No. Anything short of manslaughter we deal with in-house. 30 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:19,040 Mine! 31 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,320 Best get yourselves out of here. 32 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:33,320 Her days are numbered. 33 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,760 I think you'll find all days are numbered. 34 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:39,080 Take a calendar for example. Each month... Please stop. 35 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:41,480 I'm talking about our so-called manageress. 36 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:45,240 Eight weeks into a 12-week trial and she's got a major incident 37 00:02:45,280 --> 00:02:48,080 with an overseas celebrity? She's finished. 38 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,360 Oh, I think her plan is keep it all hush-hush. 39 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,680 Well, you know what they say... the best laid plans of mice and men. 40 00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,640 I doubt there's much crossover. Eh? 41 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,200 Plans of mice and men. I doubt there's much crossover. 42 00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,520 They want such different things. Mike! 43 00:03:02,560 --> 00:03:05,280 Why don't you go and see if Mr Cash needs anything? 44 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:08,160 Like a skip...for example. 45 00:03:19,840 --> 00:03:22,120 ♪ Love is a burning thing 46 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:25,720 Mr Cash. Mr Cash. Begging your pardon. 47 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,280 You seem to have accidentally grabbed my tie. 48 00:03:28,320 --> 00:03:31,320 Mr Cash, I just want to check -your mini bar. -You can't. 49 00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:34,240 It's stuck in a bush. Mike, I'll take it from here. 50 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:36,960 I can't actually leave because...er... 51 00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:38,760 Right. 52 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,080 ♪ I fell into a ring of fire 53 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:46,080 ♪ I fell into a burning ring of fire 54 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:50,520 Whilst in the midst of battle, Lord Almighty fallen 55 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:54,360 -Where are his people? -They've gone on a day trip to Sherwood Forest. 56 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:57,120 -Of course. -There's definitely someone in there wi' him. 57 00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:00,520 He's been screaming blue murder -at 'em. -Do something about the tie. 58 00:04:00,560 --> 00:04:02,560 Oh, but I love her, Jean. 59 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:05,320 I know there's an age difference but she says... Mike. 60 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:07,160 Go away. 61 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,200 ♪ The ring of fire ♪ 62 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,520 Mr Cash, it's Jean Sexton. I'm the hotel manageress. 63 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:17,200 Abandon all hope ye who enter here. 64 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,560 For your information, that is the nicest room in the hotel. 65 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:23,080 Doesn't even have a television. 66 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:26,960 Mr Cash, if you won't let me in, I'm going to have to call the police. 67 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:28,680 I'm a country and western singer. 68 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:32,040 Their involvement would only fuel the legend. 69 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,120 We need to make up your room. 70 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:37,720 There's no need to make it up. It's already here. 71 00:04:37,760 --> 00:04:40,520 You can't stay in there forever. 72 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:45,720 Eventually, you're going to run out of painkillers. 73 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,680 (CHAIN RUSTLES ON DOOR) 74 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:58,280 To they that knocketh, it shall be opened. 75 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:23,400 Hello. I'm Johnny Cash. 76 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,840 What have you written that with? 77 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,680 -Hot chocolate. -That's a relief. 78 00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:35,040 Shall I take that? Thank you. 79 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:38,160 I guess you'd better sit down. 80 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,000 There may be some vomit on that. 81 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:45,920 I'll wash my hands. Maybe you could pass me the sink (?) 82 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,960 Oh, sure. 83 00:05:50,440 --> 00:05:53,120 Ha! I'd offered you coffee but... 84 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,640 You don't have a kettle. I have red wine... 85 00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,320 if you don't mind drinking it out of your cupped hands. 86 00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,080 Not now I've got sick on them. 87 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:04,400 Oh, Mr Cash. Whatever have you been up to? 88 00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:08,360 I'm sorry, mam but I had to defend myself. 89 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,640 Against who? Not Mike. 90 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,680 Mike? (MAKES CHOKING NOISE) 91 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,560 Hell, no. Not him. He's just a jerk. 92 00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:18,720 Well, there's no one else here. Oh, he'll be back. 93 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:22,320 I'm afraid I can't predict when. 94 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,560 No one can. 95 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:28,400 We should get someone out to have a look at your hand. 96 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,480 No, I don't believe in that palm reading bullshit. 97 00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:35,760 No, I don't mean someone to predict when your attacker will return. 98 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:38,680 I mean someone to LOOK at your hand. 99 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,720 -A doctor. -No, it's OK. 100 00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:42,640 I...I have medication. 101 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,720 I saw the empty packets in the bin. 102 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:46,640 Well, you're quite a detective. 103 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:50,600 Say, do you know I was in Columbo once? 104 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,880 Yes, I remember. 105 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:56,120 Mam, can I be completely honest with you? 106 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:58,520 I know what you're going to say but you weren't bad. 107 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:00,360 -You're a singer not an actor. -No. 108 00:07:00,400 --> 00:07:04,040 Columbo wasn't what I was gonna be completely honest about. 109 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:10,440 -Oh. -The truth is, I've experienced darkness in my life. 110 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,240 Yeah. An addiction to painkillers. 111 00:07:13,280 --> 00:07:19,000 Surely you need to experience pain in order to write melancholy songs. 112 00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:21,600 You speak of sooth, mam. 113 00:07:23,320 --> 00:07:25,320 You can call me Jean. 114 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,160 I'm John. 115 00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,560 Tell me, do you sing, Jean? 116 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:34,800 Not any more. I used to sing in a choir. 117 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:36,840 Yeah, and you shall give. 118 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,880 We all shall. 119 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,080 Anyway, I've wrestled with pain. 120 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:48,760 Pain in all its grim manifestations. 121 00:07:48,800 --> 00:07:51,520 What brought about such terrible torment? 122 00:07:51,560 --> 00:07:55,000 -I had an eye infection. -Yes, that can really smart. 123 00:07:55,040 --> 00:07:57,480 So I got some pills to take the pain away. 124 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,960 And well, that felt good. 125 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:04,000 Have you heard of Optrex? I just didn't want any more pain. 126 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:06,800 You should try sitting on an upturned wastepaper bin 127 00:08:06,840 --> 00:08:09,520 while a sad, but slightly rambling, story unfolds. 128 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,480 Jean, forgive me. Here. Please take my pillow. 129 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:15,600 Anyway, I beat that addiction... 130 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,560 with the help of the Good Lord. 131 00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:21,000 Amen! Sorry. 132 00:08:21,040 --> 00:08:23,160 I'm, by instinct, a joiner-inner. 133 00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:26,560 But hang on a minute, if you've beaten the addiction, 134 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:29,880 why was the bin full of...? Beat it I did... 135 00:08:29,920 --> 00:08:34,320 And then, well I guess it was about two years ago... 136 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:40,120 ..I went for what you might call a life-changing walk. 137 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:49,520 The air that day seemed to smell like the early times. 138 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:54,080 I looked at creation all around me and I saw that it was good. 139 00:08:56,240 --> 00:09:00,280 But who can say how or when the Evil One will manifest himself? 140 00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:05,480 ♪ I found him by the railroad track this morning ♪ 141 00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:08,000 Hold on a minute. Were you in Africa? 142 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:10,440 I guess I'd better start at the beginning. 143 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,120 I'm going to tell you a somewhat distressing story. 144 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:18,120 Will it involve you throwing anything out of the window? 145 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:21,160 Only my personal dignity. I'm all ears. 146 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:26,160 My home is in Tennessee. I live in a place called The House of Cash. 147 00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:28,440 Oh. Is it a bureau de change? 148 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,840 It's a theme park. What sort of theme park? 149 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:34,080 It's me themed. 150 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,720 Oh. The House of Cash. I get it. 151 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,400 Maybe theme park's the wrong word. 152 00:09:39,440 --> 00:09:42,360 It's more of a museum - a museum about me. 153 00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,040 A me-seum. 154 00:09:45,080 --> 00:09:48,200 -If you like. -You live in a museum dedicated to yourself? 155 00:09:48,240 --> 00:09:51,240 I guess we all do. 156 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,880 Wise words? 157 00:09:53,920 --> 00:09:57,440 In a ways, I populated the surrounding land with a menagerie 158 00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,640 including a couple of ostriches. 159 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,680 Male and female. 160 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:05,920 I cared for them as Noah cared for his adopted creatures. 161 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:08,880 You mean in extremely cramped -conditions? -Hell, no! 162 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:10,920 They wandered free. 163 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,960 Sometimes, I'd happen across them making love in a clearing. 164 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,920 -What was that like? -Disgusting. 165 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,000 Then came that awful winter. 166 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,360 Oh, I tried to give 'em shelter 167 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:35,520 but they were the meanest, most uncooperative critters, I ever knew. 168 00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,960 Have you ever employed English teenagers? 169 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,720 Whoa. We had this girl from Derby worked here... 170 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,760 She used to sit there, take her shoes off and then sit... 171 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:50,920 It grew colder. The ostrich is a desert bird 172 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,800 and well, love can only keep you warm for so long, Jean. 173 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:57,480 I know. I've been camping. 174 00:11:01,440 --> 00:11:03,440 I found her frozen solid. 175 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:07,120 I won't deny it. I cried like a child. 176 00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,880 ♪ Goodbye, little darling... 177 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,720 But the meat was tender. 178 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:19,160 -What about her partner? -We could not locate that bird. 179 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,960 ♪ Although we have to part... 180 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,600 I tried everything I could think of. 181 00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:29,240 ♪ You're always in my heart 182 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:33,920 ♪ Goodbye, little darling, goodbye 183 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:40,520 ♪ Goodbye, little darling, goodbye ♪ 184 00:11:45,600 --> 00:11:47,800 I really thought he'd come looking for her 185 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:50,520 but I guess he knew she'd gone to a better place. 186 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,280 Your stomach, you mean. 187 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,880 Then spring came. 188 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:02,120 I was out taking a solitary walk. 189 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:06,080 The air was crisp as fine linen. 190 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,320 It felt good to be alive. 191 00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:10,640 My personal problems behind me. 192 00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,760 (RUSTLING) 193 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:21,560 Then, suddenly, there he stood. 194 00:12:26,240 --> 00:12:30,080 Manifesting great rage and hungry for revenge. 195 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,640 Waldo... 196 00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,680 I always figured we'd meet again. 197 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,320 Waldo? 198 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,360 (TOILET FLUSHES) 199 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:50,400 That was his name. 200 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:52,200 And you spoke to him? 201 00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,680 Did Eve not speak with the serpent? 202 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,800 Yes, but... I'm not saying that turned out well. 203 00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,920 I'm just saying there's a president. 204 00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960 (HISSES) 205 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:06,680 Look, I'm sorry for your loss. 206 00:13:06,720 --> 00:13:09,080 But this land is my land and you're on it. 207 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,400 And I'm the boss. 208 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:15,000 Now, cease this leaping. You're an ostrich, Waldo. 209 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:17,960 You lost your battle with gravity generations ago. 210 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:23,040 Whoa! I see there's no reasoning with you on this occasion. 211 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:25,480 I shall walk again tomorrow. 212 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:29,560 Guess that'll give you 24 hours to reconsider your position. 213 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:33,680 (HISSES) 214 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,640 Firm but fair. How did Waldo take it? 215 00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:40,080 Oh, he continued to bluster so I moved on. 216 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,560 I don't like to play hard ball with the bereaved. 217 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,760 But his manner was hostile and I had to draw a line. 218 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,040 So the next day, I walked again. 219 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,520 With a big stick. 220 00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,240 To draw the line? In a manner of speaking. 221 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:59,560 Yey, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death 222 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:02,760 I will fear no evil for thou art with me, 223 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,080 Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. 224 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:08,120 You were going to hit him with it. 225 00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:10,160 If the occasion arose. 226 00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:17,120 I returned to the path I had walked the previous day. 227 00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:35,600 (HISSES) 228 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:40,000 Waldo, I did not come here seeking conflict. 229 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:43,200 But I will strike thee down if you come any... 230 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,600 Ompf! 231 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,640 (HISSES) 232 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:04,360 My next blow will finish you, Waldo. 233 00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:07,160 I'll eat you like I ate your beloved. 234 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:24,360 ♪ I hurt myself today 235 00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:28,280 ♪ To see if I still feel... ♪ 236 00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:31,600 Don't condemn me with your stare, Jean. 237 00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:36,960 I'll show you what a vengeful ostrich is capable of. 238 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:41,320 Oh, sorry. When things got scary last night, 239 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:45,960 I put on the hotel's non-slip bath mat as a protective shield. 240 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:49,520 Would that I'd been wearing it that fateful day in Tennessee. 241 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,040 (GASPS) 242 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,240 After Waldo fled into the undergrowth, 243 00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:00,880 I had to hold the wound together to stop my intestines falling out. 244 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:05,320 Like I was clutching a busted grocery bag full of sausages. 245 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:09,280 That flightless bastard broke two of my ribs as well. 246 00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,640 If I hadn't been wearing a sturdy leather belt, 247 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:14,880 I wouldn't be here today. It doesn't bear thinking about. 248 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:18,520 But did you have to tell him you'd eaten his partner? 249 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:21,320 It must have been hard for him to comprehend. 250 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:24,560 I did mention he's an ostrich. 251 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:27,240 Yes. But who knows what they do and don't understand. 252 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:31,800 Well, he understood the international language of the big stick. 253 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:38,800 Anyways, the pain was intense and well, I just couldn't take it. 254 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,280 Oh. I see. 255 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:45,720 Waldo got his dark revenge. He turned me back into a junkie. 256 00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:48,680 -That's annoying. -I'm a pillhead, Jean. 257 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:52,280 I wash 'em down with a bottle of red wine and I am at peace. 258 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:56,000 Well, I was until last night. 259 00:16:57,240 --> 00:17:00,360 -He has returned. -Who? 260 00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:04,080 I woke in the early hours and there he stood 261 00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:08,760 pecking at the complimentary fruit bowl. Biding his time. 262 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,520 Not Waldo. But, how did he get past reception? 263 00:17:12,600 --> 00:17:16,800 They wouldn't have recognised him. Ostriches look pretty much alike. 264 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:21,560 Fearing another attack, I tore the vertical ironing board from the wall. 265 00:17:21,600 --> 00:17:27,120 -It's a trouser press. -And used it as a shield. He fought like a demon. 266 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,560 You've made a right mess of this shoe horn. 267 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,400 It occurred to me if I could shove it into his anus 268 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:34,960 I might be able to rupture his spleen. 269 00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:40,040 -Any luck? -I gained entrance but just as I was about to commence 270 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:44,720 my scooping motion, he suddenly wiggled like a hula dancer, 271 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,760 spun around and took it from me with his razor-sharp beak. 272 00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,560 He fears nothing. Including bacteria. 273 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:55,280 What I don't understand is how did he manage to get in...? 274 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:02,360 Jon, take multiple painkillers with copious amounts of wine... 275 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:06,040 Are there side effects? None whatsoever. 276 00:18:06,080 --> 00:18:09,000 That's lucky (!) What are you driving at, Jean? 277 00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:11,720 You just hear about people on drugs having hallucinations. 278 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:15,720 -You know, seeing things. -You're wrong, Jean. He was as real as... 279 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:21,440 (PHONE) Erm... I believe it's underneath the mediocre landscape. 280 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:24,680 If you don't like this, why didn't you throw it out of the window? 281 00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:27,680 I respect art. Even at its most pedestrian. 282 00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,720 Hello. 283 00:18:29,760 --> 00:18:31,720 Hello, Kirsty. 284 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,600 Thanks. Your road manager is here. He's on his way up. 285 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,680 -Is he with Waldo? -No. 286 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:39,600 I think Kirsty would have mentioned it. 287 00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,800 How long you been running the place, Jean? 288 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:47,360 I've only got this job on a three-month trial. 289 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,000 I'll find out next month if they're keeping me. 290 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,440 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 291 00:18:52,480 --> 00:18:56,040 Hm. I guess I haven't helped. 292 00:18:56,080 --> 00:19:00,120 John, I got here as fast as I could. 293 00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,720 Didn't you get a hotel pen and one of those little notepads? 294 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,520 Am I still wearing my hat? I hope so. 295 00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:13,080 It's what Robin Hood used to wear. (SIGHS) It's pretty. 296 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:16,160 I was gonna get you one but they -don't do them in black. -Oh, J-J... 297 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:18,960 this is Jean. She's showed me kindness. 298 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,000 God bless you, Jean. 299 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,560 Would you like a Johnny Cash souvenir plectrum? 300 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,800 I didn't do it for personal gain. 301 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,440 Take it, Jean. I won't think less of you. 302 00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,480 Thank you. I used to play the guitar. 303 00:19:30,520 --> 00:19:32,960 This might inspire me to take it up again. 304 00:19:34,480 --> 00:19:37,640 What have you done to yourself? It was here in this room. 305 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:41,440 We fought like Lucifer and the Archangel Michael. 306 00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,760 I'm confused now. 307 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:48,000 You smashed the room up because you -were on pills and wine. -Hell, no. 308 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,200 Waldo came. Looking for blood. 309 00:19:50,240 --> 00:19:53,600 Waldo? As in the ostrich Waldo? You betcha. 310 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:56,840 -But where is he now? -Humpf. The bird has flown. 311 00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:00,640 I'm no ornithologist but I'm pretty sure ostriches are incapable... 312 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:05,200 -How did he get here? -He didn't say. He might have been on our plane. 313 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,400 An ostrich on a plane. 314 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,960 It's taken him a while but he finally found a Plan B. 315 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,400 But wouldn't we have seen him on the plane? 316 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,440 -Maybe he was in coach. -Are you sure about this, John? 317 00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:21,880 It could have been another Ostrich. I don't know anything anymore. 318 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,560 John... 319 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:28,160 ..probably best you don't mention this to anyone. 320 00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:29,920 You think I'd be ostracised? 321 00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:32,320 (MOUTHS) 322 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:38,040 You're not yourself. You're... I've lost my way, J-J. 323 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:42,400 I must accept that. I can't go on burying my head in the sand. 324 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,160 (MOUTHS) 325 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:48,440 (PHONE) 326 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,160 Hello. OK. They'll be right down. 327 00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,520 The ambulance is here. He's parked at the back. 328 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:03,720 -It's more private. -Come on, John. Let's get that hand fixed. 329 00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,600 If they right hand offendeth thee, cut it off. 330 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:08,640 We're not going NHS. 331 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,400 I guess I did a bad thing, Jean. 332 00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:15,560 This room was due for a refurb. 333 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:19,640 No, I was talking about my Columbo. No, that was a fab episode. 334 00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,680 Honest. I love where you point where you think all the killers are. 335 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:27,600 That was my idea. The director said it was too much. 336 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,840 Ooh. 337 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,920 -Come with me, Jean. -Jean's got a hotel to run. 338 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,400 -I've got you now. -I need you. 339 00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:45,320 Just for a little while. 340 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:56,440 ♪ He heard that lonesome whistle blow 341 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,960 Mr Cash. Mr Cash. 342 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,720 I'm from the Nottingham Evening Post. 343 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,680 We were told there'd been -an incident. -Told by who? 344 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,800 Mr Cash has badly wounded his hand... 345 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,840 falling over a...erm... 346 00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:13,160 an extension cable rail. You know those...things. 347 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,720 Yes, I fell into a turning ring of wire. 348 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:22,840 And I believe I may have bled to death had it not been for the actions 349 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:25,640 of the hotel manageress, Jean Sexton. 350 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,760 Make sure you get the name right. 351 00:22:27,800 --> 00:22:30,560 She's best hotel administrator I've ever met. 352 00:22:30,600 --> 00:22:34,920 She's handled everything -to perfection. -Sorry, Miss. 353 00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,040 We really need to get Mr Cash to the hospital. 354 00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:42,040 ♪ I'm so lonesome, I could cry ♪ 355 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:53,000 JOHNNY AND JEAN: chariot... 356 00:22:53,040 --> 00:22:57,520 ♪ Comin' for to carry me home 357 00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:03,360 ♪ Swing low, sweet chariot 358 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:07,880 ♪ Comin' for to carry me home ♪ 359 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:09,920 (PLAYS RIFF) 360 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,640 subtitles by Deluxe Email sky.subtitles@sky.uk 361 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,840 ♪ Swing low... 362 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:26,400 ♪ ..sweet chariot 363 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:30,360 ♪ Comin' for to carry me home 364 00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:34,840 ♪ Swing lo-ow-ow, sweet chariot 365 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,480 ♪ Comin' for to carry me home 366 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:43,840 ♪ Well, now, they're comin' for to carry me home ♪ 367 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,760 Every loose end has got to be tied up. 368 00:23:48,520 --> 00:23:50,560 Makes you crazy. 369 00:23:50,600 --> 00:23:53,240 That's a crying shame. It really is. 370 00:23:53,280 --> 00:23:58,480 A man with your talent. Real killers loose out there. 371 00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:00,520 And they got you chasing smoke.