1 00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,848 [serene music] 2 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:16,850 [tapping] 3 00:00:16,891 --> 00:00:24,065 * * 4 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:31,614 - * Honey came in, and she caught me red-handed * 5 00:00:31,656 --> 00:00:35,076 * Creepin' with the girl next door * 6 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:37,537 - * Picture this, we were both butt-naked * 7 00:00:37,579 --> 00:00:40,165 * Banging on the bathroom floor * 8 00:00:40,206 --> 00:00:46,379 - * How could I forget that I had given her an extra key? * 9 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:50,133 - * All this time, she was standing there * 10 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:53,094 * She never took her eyes off me * 11 00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,764 * * 12 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,807 * But she caught me on the counter * 13 00:00:57,849 --> 00:00:59,100 - * It wasn't me * 14 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,769 - * Saw me banging on the sofa * 15 00:01:00,810 --> 00:01:01,853 - * It wasn't me * 16 00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,772 - * I even had her in the shower * 17 00:01:03,813 --> 00:01:05,106 - * It wasn't me * 18 00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,858 - * She even caught me on camera * 19 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,443 - * It wasn't me * 20 00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,195 - * She saw the marks on my shoulder * 21 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,571 - * It wasn't me * 22 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:12,947 - * Hear the words that I told her * 23 00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:14,282 - * It wasn't me * 24 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:16,576 - * Heard her scream getting louder * 25 00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:18,453 - * It wasn't me-- * - [screams] 26 00:01:22,707 --> 00:01:24,626 [gasps] 27 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,462 * * 28 00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:29,130 [grunts] 29 00:01:30,423 --> 00:01:32,258 It was you, Bumper. 30 00:01:32,300 --> 00:01:33,927 - [shudders] 31 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:37,263 - You stole my song... 32 00:01:37,305 --> 00:01:40,141 and now you've stolen my future. 33 00:01:40,183 --> 00:01:42,936 - Heidi. - [grunts] 34 00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:45,063 [dramatic music] 35 00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,731 - Oh, my God. 36 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,483 * * 37 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:50,777 And now my hands are feet? 38 00:01:50,819 --> 00:01:53,071 [screaming] 39 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,281 [screams, panting] 40 00:01:55,323 --> 00:01:57,367 - * Welcome * 41 00:01:57,409 --> 00:01:59,285 * In Berlin * 42 00:01:59,327 --> 00:02:01,413 * Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank * 43 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,956 * Danke schön * 44 00:02:02,997 --> 00:02:04,416 * Welcome * 45 00:02:04,457 --> 00:02:05,542 * In Berlin * 46 00:02:05,583 --> 00:02:08,962 * Dank--dank--dank-dank-dank * 47 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,422 * Danke schön * 48 00:02:10,463 --> 00:02:11,881 Oh, good, you're here. 49 00:02:11,923 --> 00:02:13,425 I've been trying to reach you all night. 50 00:02:13,466 --> 00:02:16,803 I tried everything-- the phone... 51 00:02:16,845 --> 00:02:18,430 - Okay. 52 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,599 - Look, so I got here super early 53 00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:23,560 to try to get your usual order. 54 00:02:23,601 --> 00:02:25,687 But I don't speak German, so I just pointed at things 55 00:02:25,729 --> 00:02:29,149 until they handed me this rag for the milk steamer. 56 00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:31,109 Is this what you normally order? 57 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,862 Did I do good? Can I feel better? 58 00:02:33,903 --> 00:02:34,821 - Ein latte, bitte. 59 00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:36,406 - Hey, you know what? I'll pay. 60 00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:37,949 - Oh, no, no, no, that's okay. 61 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:40,744 I wouldn't want to take something that belonged to you. 62 00:02:40,785 --> 00:02:44,998 - Okay, so acts of service are not your love language--noted. 63 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,083 Look, I am so sorry. 64 00:02:47,125 --> 00:02:50,754 I just--I started singing your song, and it was so good, 65 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,505 and everyone said I needed to impress Thea in order to have 66 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:53,840 any hope of making it to Unity Day, 67 00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:55,425 and it all just happened so fast. 68 00:02:55,467 --> 00:02:58,303 - You know what? It's fine. Let's just move on, okay? 69 00:02:58,345 --> 00:02:59,554 I can write another song. 70 00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:01,598 If you need that one so bad, you can have it. 71 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,517 - Okay, if I just listen to the words you're saying 72 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:07,395 and not the tone, it seems pretty good. 73 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:09,856 I think if you, like, liked me again, 74 00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,983 that might be more fun than being mad at me. 75 00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:13,943 'Cause are you having fun? 'Cause I'm not having fun. 76 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,403 - Oh, I'm not mad. 77 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:17,364 I am just disappointed in a way that makes me feel 78 00:03:17,405 --> 00:03:18,615 like I should never believe 79 00:03:18,656 --> 00:03:20,200 anyone or anything ever again. [door opens] 80 00:03:20,241 --> 00:03:22,285 - So two big pieces of news. 81 00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:23,703 First news, bad. 82 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,080 The former love of my life, Gisela, 83 00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:26,623 just tweeted out that she's doing a big show 84 00:03:26,664 --> 00:03:28,249 in Friedrichshain tomorrow. 85 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:29,376 If we don't stay competitive, 86 00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:31,044 she's gonna get that newcomer spot. 87 00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:33,755 I admit that seeing my former lover in the flesh recently 88 00:03:33,797 --> 00:03:36,716 has stirred up some feelings for her in my own flesh. 89 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:40,553 Ooh, to feel her skin on my skin would... 90 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,014 well, that would be magic indeed. 91 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,516 But that could never happen. 92 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:46,226 "Sleeping with the Enemy" is merely 93 00:03:46,267 --> 00:03:47,394 a 1991 Julia Roberts film, 94 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,813 not a documentary about my real life. 95 00:03:49,854 --> 00:03:53,149 But, anyway, moving on to second news, which is good. 96 00:03:53,191 --> 00:03:56,069 There is a talk show that's had a last-minute cancellation. 97 00:03:56,111 --> 00:03:57,821 - Wait, wait, don't tell me. - I have to tell you. 98 00:03:57,862 --> 00:03:59,656 It's the whole point of me talking right now. 99 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,533 I sent a demo to "Sour Pickles," 100 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:04,285 and they want to talk with you at the taping today. 101 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:05,578 - Yes! 102 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:06,788 Wait, what's "Sour Pickles"? 103 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:08,373 - It's an immensely popular talk show 104 00:04:08,415 --> 00:04:11,459 that breaks new musicians while they eat very sour pickles, 105 00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:13,753 and they are soaking up the brine for your song. 106 00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:16,214 - They like the song that much? 107 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,799 - The people in charge of Unity Day 108 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:20,427 are going to love seeing you perform your original song 109 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:21,469 on this popular show. 110 00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:23,596 They tend to follow the trends. 111 00:04:23,638 --> 00:04:25,432 Whew, this is such a great opportunity 112 00:04:25,473 --> 00:04:27,600 to debut this Bumper banger. 113 00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:28,852 - Is that what we're calling it? 114 00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,521 [laughs nervously] I don't like that title. 115 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,232 And you're sure it's the song from last night? 116 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,443 - Yes, t-the one you wrote last night. 117 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:37,944 Thea will back you up live. 118 00:04:37,986 --> 00:04:40,280 You'll answer a few questions while eating pickles. 119 00:04:40,321 --> 00:04:42,782 I hope you have a sour tooth. 120 00:04:42,824 --> 00:04:44,617 - You know... 121 00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,703 I feel the more I think about it, 122 00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,164 the more I think that that song sucks. 123 00:04:49,205 --> 00:04:52,250 Mm-hmm. I mean, it's a good song, but it sucks. 124 00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,752 - What? The song is great. 125 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:55,628 It's what got Thea on board. 126 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:58,214 We love it, and soon all of Germany will love it. 127 00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:01,426 They'll be playing it at every charming Christmas market 128 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,303 and completely free day-care center 129 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:04,721 all across this great land. 130 00:05:04,763 --> 00:05:08,058 Ah, don't second-guess yourself. 131 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,935 If this appearance goes well, you're gonna be way ahead 132 00:05:10,977 --> 00:05:13,021 of Gisela on the race for Unity Day. 133 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,147 And if you get nervous, 134 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,649 just talk about how much you love Germany. 135 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,361 And we'll all be there together, 136 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:22,906 because teamwork makes the cream... 137 00:05:22,947 --> 00:05:24,199 "thirk." 138 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:25,575 Like, it "thirkens" it up? 139 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:27,077 Is this is the phrase? 140 00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,162 Oh, I bet it is. 141 00:05:29,204 --> 00:05:30,914 Eh, I'll Google it. 142 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,584 - So that's-- Uh... 143 00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:37,462 [dramatic music] 144 00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,339 [sighs] 145 00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:42,092 * * 146 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,802 - Listen, we are about to perform together, 147 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,011 and I want this to be good. 148 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,513 So tell me what is bothering you, 149 00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:47,931 so we can get it over with 150 00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:50,684 and never have to have a personal conversation again. 151 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:52,352 - It's nothing, nope. 152 00:05:52,394 --> 00:05:53,687 - You clearly want to talk. 153 00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,314 You're like a teen boy who just saw "Fight Club." 154 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,941 So out with it. 155 00:05:57,982 --> 00:05:59,359 - Okay, fine. 156 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,361 Hypothetically, I made a girl mad at me. 157 00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,446 Like, I stole her... 158 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,532 staircase? 159 00:06:05,573 --> 00:06:07,409 I did a bad thing, all right? 160 00:06:07,450 --> 00:06:10,578 Which, fine, guilty as charged, but then I apologized, 161 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,539 which is the thing you're supposed to do, 162 00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:13,873 and she's still upset-- it's not fair. 163 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,750 - An apology doesn't guarantee forgiveness. 164 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,752 Sometimes people are just mad. 165 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,879 I am mad every day at the idea of spelling. 166 00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:22,924 How dare words tell me what to do, right? 167 00:06:22,966 --> 00:06:24,300 Hi! - Hello. 168 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:25,760 - Um... 169 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:29,097 Bumper Allen and DJ Das Boot for "Sour Pickles." 170 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,016 - Yeah, Miss Boot, please go upstairs. 171 00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:32,058 - Thank you. 172 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,060 - Every time I messed up in the past, 173 00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,687 everyone was just like, 174 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,397 "Oh, that's just Bumper being Bumper," 175 00:06:37,439 --> 00:06:39,441 and they forgave me immediately. 176 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,651 I never would take out the trash. 177 00:06:41,693 --> 00:06:43,570 Bumper being Bumper. 178 00:06:43,611 --> 00:06:45,488 Put chili in the Keurig. 179 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,198 That's just Bumper being Bumper. 180 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:48,408 Got the lawyer wet. 181 00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:51,119 Bumper being Bumper. 182 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:54,581 I just wish everyone liked me so I could feel good. 183 00:06:54,622 --> 00:06:56,291 - You're clearly not going to stop talking 184 00:06:56,332 --> 00:06:58,752 until I pretend to care. 185 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:01,171 It seems like you're only interested 186 00:07:01,212 --> 00:07:03,965 in making yourself feel better. - Mm-hmm. 187 00:07:04,007 --> 00:07:08,011 - For once, try thinking about someone else's feelings. 188 00:07:08,053 --> 00:07:11,222 - Wow. Me think about someone else? 189 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,641 Okay, uh... 190 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:16,102 the only other person I can think of right now 191 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,729 is Clarence Thomas? 192 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:20,065 I don't even remember who that is. 193 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:22,233 - Bumper... 194 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:23,860 just sing. 195 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,366 - * One day they'll know my name * 196 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:31,993 [pop music playing] 197 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:35,372 * One day they'll know my name * 198 00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:37,248 * * 199 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:40,418 * One day I'm gonna make it out this room * 200 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:43,213 * I don't have nothing to lose * 201 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:47,133 * I'll be patient 'cause I know it's on the way * 202 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:49,969 * One day they'll know my name * 203 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:52,305 [cheers and applause] - Wow. 204 00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:55,308 [cheers and applause continue] 205 00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,185 - Whoo! 206 00:07:57,227 --> 00:07:59,020 Yeah! 207 00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:00,438 - Thank you. 208 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,441 [upbeat music] 209 00:08:03,483 --> 00:08:05,360 * * 210 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:07,904 - Well, it's a beautiful song you've written. 211 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,198 - And it really is for everybody. 212 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:11,700 - Yes. - Little kids, 213 00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:15,286 airline gate attendants, scuba treasure hunters-- 214 00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,830 everyone. 215 00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,915 - So let's now move on to the interview. 216 00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:22,669 Bumper, you will eat increasingly sour pickles 217 00:08:22,711 --> 00:08:24,713 while you answer questions. - Okay. 218 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,007 - So please take up your first pickle. 219 00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,675 - [clears throat] Okay. - Question number-- 220 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:31,845 - Before we get to munching, I do have, um-- 221 00:08:31,886 --> 00:08:33,221 This looks delicious. Thank you. 222 00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:36,933 But, um, I do have one thing that I'd like to say. 223 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:41,354 I didn't actually write that song. 224 00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:43,606 All the credit goes to Heidi... 225 00:08:43,648 --> 00:08:44,899 Fraren? 226 00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,736 - Wait, Heidi wrote that song? 227 00:08:47,777 --> 00:08:49,195 You're Heidi. 228 00:08:49,237 --> 00:08:51,239 - Yeah, I just, uh-- 229 00:08:51,281 --> 00:08:53,992 I was just messing around with something. 230 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:56,494 - Well, that is quite a revelation. 231 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,496 - You did not write this song? 232 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,706 Pickle number two. 233 00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:01,124 - Moving on quick, okay. 234 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,709 - But your manager, Pieter Kramer, 235 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:04,878 told us that you conjured it out of thin air. 236 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:08,590 Pickle me this, did famous liar Pieter Kramer lie again? 237 00:09:08,631 --> 00:09:09,716 - Oh, no. - No. 238 00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:10,842 - Oh, my God. - Absolutely not. 239 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:11,926 - No. - No, this is my fault. 240 00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:15,388 See, we-- - So you misinformed Pieter, 241 00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:16,723 and he never lied? 242 00:09:16,765 --> 00:09:17,974 Pickle number three. 243 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:21,186 - Uh, yeah, well, I wouldn't say-- 244 00:09:21,227 --> 00:09:23,063 [chokes, shudders] 245 00:09:23,104 --> 00:09:25,065 This one's got a little pep to it. 246 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:26,733 I wouldn't say that he never lied. 247 00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,068 I mean, he lies, 248 00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,652 'cause he lied to get me to move to Germany, but-- 249 00:09:29,694 --> 00:09:30,820 Oh, my God. 250 00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,530 - What is he doing? 251 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,990 - Well, you have heard it here first. 252 00:09:34,032 --> 00:09:37,243 Disgraced mouth-musician- turned-mouth-manager 253 00:09:37,285 --> 00:09:38,870 Pieter Kramer lies again. 254 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:41,081 - No, no, okay, let's, let's-- 255 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,541 Oh, yeah, this is really sour. 256 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:45,126 Let's switch topics 257 00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:48,963 and talk about how happy I am here in Germany, 258 00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:51,257 'cause it's great-- the high-speed trains, 259 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,551 low-interest home loans I've been told? 260 00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,096 And that hottie Angela Merkel-- 261 00:09:56,137 --> 00:09:58,306 whoo, wouldn't mind twerking on that Merk. 262 00:09:58,348 --> 00:10:00,475 - Do you think it's appropriate to say that 263 00:10:00,517 --> 00:10:01,893 about our former chancellor? 264 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,604 - Chancellor? I hardly know her. 265 00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,106 [laughs] 266 00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:08,233 But I will by the end of the day, know what I mean? 267 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:10,276 - Well, congratulations, Bumper Allen. 268 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:14,322 Your various gaffes mean it is time for our segment 269 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:18,743 "You Have Gotten Yourself in a Horrible Pickle." 270 00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,453 Now say it with me. 271 00:10:20,495 --> 00:10:21,579 [horn blares] 272 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,165 all: Good luck getting 273 00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,960 out of this one! 274 00:10:27,002 --> 00:10:30,296 [loud pop, cheers and applause] 275 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,140 [dramatic music] 276 00:10:40,181 --> 00:10:43,143 - Let's just review what happened. 277 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,936 We went in to promote your song 278 00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,564 and show the world how charming you are. 279 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:50,817 We left with you admitting it wasn't your song at all, 280 00:10:50,859 --> 00:10:52,777 which you didn't even promote because you were all 281 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,113 too busy assassinating my reputation 282 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:58,074 and objectifying Angela Merkel? 283 00:10:58,116 --> 00:11:00,076 [groans] - Can I please have a chair? 284 00:11:00,118 --> 00:11:03,038 - No. Chairs are for good boys. 285 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:07,083 This is gonna set you way back with the Unity Day bookers. 286 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:10,045 No one is gonna take you seriously when that comes out-- 287 00:11:10,086 --> 00:11:11,338 or me seriously. 288 00:11:11,379 --> 00:11:13,465 - I was just trying to do right by Heidi. 289 00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:14,799 - Oh, well, you didn't, 290 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:17,302 because now the debut of my first song ever 291 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,928 is a PR disaster. 292 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,097 - I'm never gonna outrun my shameful past. 293 00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:24,100 This is gonna bring us so much bad press, 294 00:11:24,142 --> 00:11:26,811 while Gisela just Rollerblades her way 295 00:11:26,853 --> 00:11:29,773 all the way to the newcomer spot unimpeded 296 00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,650 and, in all likelihood, braless. 297 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,944 - You... 298 00:11:34,986 --> 00:11:38,823 you are incredibly talented. 299 00:11:39,783 --> 00:11:41,951 But I'm out. 300 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:45,705 If anyone who is not Bumper needs me, 301 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:48,124 I'll be at my favorite abandoned factory. 302 00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:52,295 [train rumbling, objects clattering] 303 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:53,713 [door closes] 304 00:11:53,755 --> 00:11:57,884 - Maybe I should resign, stop trying to rehab my image. 305 00:11:57,926 --> 00:12:00,303 - I'm gonna have to live off German unemployment. 306 00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:03,431 How am I supposed to survive on 90,000 euros a year 307 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:06,059 with benefits? - No. 308 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,686 No, okay? 309 00:12:07,727 --> 00:12:10,313 You can't quit. You can't give up on me. 310 00:12:10,355 --> 00:12:11,481 I will fix this. 311 00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:12,816 - Oh...kay. - Oh, da. 312 00:12:12,857 --> 00:12:14,317 - No, shut up, listen. Listen to me. 313 00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:15,318 I'm gonna fix this. 314 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:16,820 I will talk to the hosts. 315 00:12:16,861 --> 00:12:19,739 I will explain everything, and they'll kill the episode, 316 00:12:19,781 --> 00:12:23,868 and they'll probably give me a do-over, maybe even a medal. 317 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:26,413 I'll fix it. I'm gonna fix it. 318 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:27,872 [door opens] - Oh, God. 319 00:12:27,914 --> 00:12:29,541 - [groans] [door closes] 320 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,502 [electronic music] 321 00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:37,340 * * 322 00:12:37,382 --> 00:12:40,260 - Cool. It's like a scary adult preschool. 323 00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:44,681 * * 324 00:12:44,723 --> 00:12:45,932 - You came. 325 00:12:45,974 --> 00:12:47,851 - I'm sorry. Is it okay? 326 00:12:47,892 --> 00:12:49,352 I just needed a change of scenery. 327 00:12:49,394 --> 00:12:51,688 - This is a safe space emotionally. 328 00:12:51,730 --> 00:12:53,356 Physically, it's full of tetanus. 329 00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,150 - Oh. Eh... 330 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:56,359 - So... 331 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:57,861 how are you feeling? 332 00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,487 - Uh, I don't know. 333 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,114 Not good. 334 00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:03,742 I know Bumper was just trying to do the right thing, 335 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,952 but he messed up my whole plan-- 336 00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:07,537 write songs in secret for decades, 337 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:08,872 release one perfect album, 338 00:13:08,913 --> 00:13:10,248 and then walk away while I'm on top 339 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:12,417 to become a self-righteous animal rights activist. 340 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:15,045 - Wow. 341 00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,088 You got the next six years planned out. 342 00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,548 - Yeah. - Sounds hard. 343 00:13:18,590 --> 00:13:20,050 I don't even know how I'm gonna end this sentence. 344 00:13:20,091 --> 00:13:21,176 Basketball, milkshake, Denmark. 345 00:13:21,217 --> 00:13:23,136 - I've always been this way. 346 00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,471 There were just so many things 347 00:13:24,512 --> 00:13:26,723 that I couldn't control when I was a little kid 348 00:13:26,765 --> 00:13:29,017 moving around all the time. 349 00:13:29,059 --> 00:13:30,935 I am literally allergic to chaos. 350 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,520 My head swells up like a beach ball 351 00:13:32,562 --> 00:13:34,272 if someone changes a dinner reservation. 352 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,274 - That's no way to live a life. 353 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,400 - Mm. 354 00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,735 - That changes today. 355 00:13:38,777 --> 00:13:41,237 Eccentrics, gather around. 356 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:44,908 It's time to fix an American. [cheering] 357 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,370 - Oh, have you guys done this before? 358 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:49,996 Stranger danger. 359 00:13:50,038 --> 00:13:52,874 - Heidi being mad at me-- worst feeling I've ever felt 360 00:13:52,916 --> 00:13:54,250 in my entire life, 361 00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,294 and I've had hemorrhoids before and also now. 362 00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:58,254 Wait, you're not still mad at me, are you? 363 00:13:58,296 --> 00:14:00,548 Please say no. - Well, I'm angry at-- 364 00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:01,883 - The situation? Me too. 365 00:14:01,925 --> 00:14:03,927 This situation is so bad. 366 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:05,387 Me, Bumper-- I'm a good guy. 367 00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:08,056 Frankly, this situation can hike up a volcano 368 00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:09,808 and dip the tip in lava. 369 00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,685 I'm glad we're on the same page, Pieter. 370 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:14,104 - [sighs] 371 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:16,106 [clears throat] Hello. 372 00:14:16,147 --> 00:14:18,191 Um, Pieter Kramer, Bumper Allen. 373 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,694 We're just going back up to the "Sour Pickles" studios. 374 00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:23,613 - I'm sorry, guys, but your appointment is over. 375 00:14:23,655 --> 00:14:25,198 I cannot let you up. 376 00:14:26,616 --> 00:14:29,160 - [through clenched teeth] Okay, I'll make a distraction, 377 00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,454 then you make a run for it, okay? 378 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:38,086 [normal voice] Oh, my God, that man has a gun! 379 00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:40,088 - [laughing] Where would he get a gun? 380 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:42,090 This is Germany, guys. 381 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,552 - Stupid, safe, wonderful country. 382 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:51,057 - [sighs] Okay. Heidi... 383 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:53,935 give me a tattoo... 384 00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:56,646 of anything you want. 385 00:14:56,688 --> 00:14:57,981 - What? No. 386 00:14:58,023 --> 00:14:59,983 I don't know how to tattoo someone. 387 00:15:00,025 --> 00:15:01,901 - Guess what. I don't care. 388 00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,070 Put your worst art ever out there. 389 00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:07,449 Nothing you make is ever going to be as bad as this, 390 00:15:07,490 --> 00:15:08,533 or as permanent. 391 00:15:08,575 --> 00:15:10,493 - Where did you even get this pen from? 392 00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:11,619 From the ground? 393 00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:13,204 That's where worms have sex. 394 00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:17,625 - If you don't tattoo me in ten seconds, I will tattoo you. 395 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:18,668 Ten... - No you won't. 396 00:15:18,710 --> 00:15:19,669 - Nine... - You're lying. 397 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:20,670 - Eight... - Okay, okay! 398 00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:21,713 - Se-- - Okay. 399 00:15:21,755 --> 00:15:23,757 I will tattoo you. 400 00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:25,842 Take a seat, madam. 401 00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:27,844 Do you want me to do it in front of all these people? 402 00:15:27,886 --> 00:15:29,512 - Yep. - Oh, so this is where-- 403 00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:31,264 where you want me to do? 404 00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,349 Okay. 405 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:34,559 I will do it. [chuckles nervously] 406 00:15:34,601 --> 00:15:36,394 Mm. 407 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:37,937 Does that hurt? 408 00:15:37,979 --> 00:15:41,649 It seems like it doesn't hurt her at all. 409 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,401 Oh, mm. 410 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,946 Oh, wow, I am really good at this. 411 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:49,032 I think I might have found my calling. 412 00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,576 This is awesome. Oh, my God, I did it. 413 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,496 I did it! I did it, I did it, I did it! 414 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,706 - You did! What is it, though? 415 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,041 A bowling ball? 416 00:15:58,083 --> 00:15:59,709 - It's my favorite actress-- Sandra Bullock. 417 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:00,960 Everyone loves Sandy. 418 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:02,545 - See? 419 00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:03,755 You weren't prepared. 420 00:16:03,797 --> 00:16:05,632 You can't fix it. 421 00:16:05,674 --> 00:16:07,926 But you survived. 422 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,636 Though I'm not sure I will. 423 00:16:09,678 --> 00:16:11,596 I think you hit bone. 424 00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:14,391 - Oh, this feels amazing. 425 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:17,268 Normally I don't go anywhere without an A-plus health grade 426 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,396 and a visible choking-safety poster, 427 00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:22,232 but this is the beginning of a brand-new Heidi. 428 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,983 Do any of you guys want a tattoo? 429 00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:25,568 I'm a pro now. [all muttering] 430 00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,237 [cell phone chimes] 431 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,114 Oh, God, it's Bumper. - Oh. 432 00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:31,199 - "Couldn't even get past the turnstiles. 433 00:16:31,241 --> 00:16:34,160 "Gonna drink, bye. Siri, find the closest bar. 434 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:36,746 "Oh, shit, I'm still texting. Siri, stop texting. 435 00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:40,041 Oh, no, this text is going to cost me so much money." 436 00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:43,503 [sighs] You know, my plans are screwed, 437 00:16:43,545 --> 00:16:46,172 and things are already out of my control. 438 00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,508 Maybe I should just improvise. 439 00:16:48,550 --> 00:16:50,260 Yeah. 440 00:16:50,301 --> 00:16:54,014 Let's go save my song. 441 00:16:54,055 --> 00:16:55,765 And you know what? 442 00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,142 You know what? 443 00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:00,145 I am finally gonna get an electric toothbrush. 444 00:17:00,186 --> 00:17:02,063 What am I waiting for, an invitation? 445 00:17:02,105 --> 00:17:03,481 [laughs] Whoo! 446 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:11,573 - We have an appointment. - Of course. 447 00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:12,907 - Can you believe it? 448 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,576 I didn't even know that's what I was going to say 449 00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:16,161 until seconds before I said it-- 450 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,079 parsnip, injection, catacomb. 451 00:17:18,121 --> 00:17:22,542 [rhythmic smacking and clanking] 452 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:26,546 - * And a decent whiskey for the day * 453 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:30,800 * When I'm gone, when I'm gone, mm-hmm * 454 00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:34,596 * You're gonna miss me when I'm gone * 455 00:17:34,637 --> 00:17:35,930 You'd never believe it, 456 00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:38,850 but this was, like, a huge deal. 457 00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,935 Everyone loved it. They lost their minds for it. 458 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,771 - They loved it? 459 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:44,522 - I don't get it either. 460 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,944 I'm sorry I messed everything up. 461 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:53,239 - So Heidi really wrote that song? 462 00:17:53,281 --> 00:17:55,617 Heidi? - Yeah. 463 00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,786 It was... 464 00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:59,954 magic. 465 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:02,290 - She's worked for me for seven years. 466 00:18:02,332 --> 00:18:04,167 I knew she went to music school, 467 00:18:04,209 --> 00:18:06,586 but she never told me she could do that. 468 00:18:06,628 --> 00:18:09,214 I'm trying to be a manager. I can't even detect 469 00:18:09,255 --> 00:18:11,675 talent directly under my nose. - I know. 470 00:18:11,716 --> 00:18:13,927 - My mustache could be Oscar Isaac, 471 00:18:13,968 --> 00:18:15,303 and I wouldn't know. 472 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:18,056 Maybe I deserve to have my career destroyed. 473 00:18:18,098 --> 00:18:19,349 - Seems harsh. 474 00:18:19,391 --> 00:18:21,643 - I guess it's true what they say... 475 00:18:21,685 --> 00:18:24,270 you miss 100% of the shots you take. 476 00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:31,319 When the episode comes out, pin it all on me. 477 00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:34,197 Pin that tall tale on this tall donkey. 478 00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:36,157 Tell them I demanded you lie about the song. 479 00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:37,659 You can still make Unity Day. 480 00:18:37,701 --> 00:18:39,911 You can still be a star without me. 481 00:18:39,953 --> 00:18:41,746 - Pieter, don't talk like that. 482 00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:44,207 - Oh, God, now I can't even talk right? 483 00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:46,668 - Hey, sad boys. Got big news. 484 00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,670 We talked to the hosts of "Sour Pickles"-- 485 00:18:48,712 --> 00:18:50,380 - Wait, you got into the building? How? 486 00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:52,507 - It wasn't that hard. - Was it a disguise? 487 00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:54,300 Or you slid underneath the turnstiles, 488 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:57,012 then whipped out nunchucks like turtle power? 489 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,597 - Shut up. Shut up. 490 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:01,933 We got "Sour Pickles" to pull the episode. 491 00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,227 - All we have to do is have Pieter give an interview 492 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:06,813 about Gisela's involvement in the DSM scandal. 493 00:19:06,855 --> 00:19:09,691 They've heard rumors that she was responsible, 494 00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:11,609 but they've never been able to confirm it. 495 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:13,486 Pieter... 496 00:19:13,528 --> 00:19:15,655 is it true? 497 00:19:15,697 --> 00:19:16,865 - It's true. 498 00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:18,491 [electronic music] 499 00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,785 Ultimately, it was my fault. 500 00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,662 I was the one who pushed the button, 501 00:19:22,704 --> 00:19:26,249 but, yes, technically, Gisela was the one 502 00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:27,959 who thought to use the sound machine 503 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:29,544 for Das Sound Machine. 504 00:19:29,586 --> 00:19:31,254 [crowd cheering] 505 00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:35,508 However, it was I who flipped it on and I who was caught. 506 00:19:35,550 --> 00:19:37,719 I promised I would never reveal her involvement. 507 00:19:37,761 --> 00:19:40,722 [crying] 508 00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:42,682 We were dating and in love at the time. 509 00:19:42,724 --> 00:19:44,809 - [shouting in German] 510 00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,019 - I did it! 511 00:19:46,061 --> 00:19:48,605 * * 512 00:19:48,646 --> 00:19:51,566 She left me immediately after the news broke. 513 00:19:51,608 --> 00:19:57,030 * * 514 00:19:57,072 --> 00:19:59,741 And then my heart broke. 515 00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:01,493 - Oh. 516 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,245 - Pieter, I had no idea. Why didn't you tell us? 517 00:20:04,287 --> 00:20:05,413 - My sense of honor 518 00:20:05,455 --> 00:20:07,749 always outweighed my desire for revenge, 519 00:20:07,791 --> 00:20:10,418 and also, I maybe still have stupid feelings for her, 520 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,587 which I deal with by doing 1,000 push-ups every day. 521 00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:14,547 - Oh, my God, you still love her. 522 00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:17,801 - Yes, I know it's shameful, but I find her so irresistible. 523 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,053 It's the part of me I like the least, 524 00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:21,596 and I have seven nipples, 525 00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:23,598 and they are not where you think they are. 526 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:25,100 - Okay. 527 00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:26,685 So let me get this straight. 528 00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,103 If you do this, 529 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,397 my disaster interview goes away, 530 00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:33,483 and you throw dirt on our main rival for Unity Day, 531 00:20:33,525 --> 00:20:36,569 and the story makes you seem more sympathetic, 532 00:20:36,611 --> 00:20:40,490 and it helps repair your reputation, 533 00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:43,535 and it gets you over your toxic ex? 534 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,787 Guys? 535 00:20:45,829 --> 00:20:47,789 Okay, I'll be the one to say it. 536 00:20:47,831 --> 00:20:49,290 This certainly feels 537 00:20:49,332 --> 00:20:51,918 like a "kill a bunch of birds with one stone" situ-aish. 538 00:20:51,960 --> 00:20:55,797 * We making down pillows tonight, boys * 539 00:20:55,839 --> 00:20:57,048 And girls. 540 00:20:57,090 --> 00:21:00,051 - Never do that again. But maybe he's right. 541 00:21:00,093 --> 00:21:02,637 Gisela deserves everything that's coming to her. 542 00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:07,350 Gut her, Pieter. End it once and for all. 543 00:21:07,392 --> 00:21:09,310 - This is the right thing to do. 544 00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:11,271 Gisela's your competition. 545 00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:13,106 [sighs] She's also bad, 546 00:21:13,148 --> 00:21:14,816 even if she also makes me horny 547 00:21:14,858 --> 00:21:16,526 and the thought of hurting her makes me feel 548 00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:19,154 like I'm wearing someone else's wet bathing suit. 549 00:21:19,195 --> 00:21:23,324 Oh, why must I still pine for her sweet sherbet kisses? 550 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:25,160 What a cruel reality of life 551 00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:27,620 that we can't choose for whom we ooze. 552 00:21:27,662 --> 00:21:31,207 [sighs] I'm just glad I can do something to help you, Bumper. 553 00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:32,792 - Oh, God. 554 00:21:34,836 --> 00:21:36,838 You can't do this. 555 00:21:36,880 --> 00:21:38,423 - What do you mean? 556 00:21:38,465 --> 00:21:39,883 - It's not right. 557 00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:42,010 I mean, sure, it would get me off the hook, 558 00:21:42,052 --> 00:21:43,887 but that's not your job-- 559 00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:46,848 certainly not at the expense of your heart. 560 00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:48,266 No. 561 00:21:48,308 --> 00:21:50,852 It's my job. 562 00:21:50,894 --> 00:21:52,354 I mean, you got me here. 563 00:21:52,395 --> 00:21:55,690 You set me on the path to Unity Day. 564 00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:57,901 [sighs] I have to right this ship. 565 00:21:57,942 --> 00:22:00,445 [sucks teeth] I mean, it's my dream. 566 00:22:00,487 --> 00:22:03,114 I have to start taking responsibility for my actions. 567 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,908 - Then what are you going to do? 568 00:22:04,949 --> 00:22:06,868 - [sighs] I think I have to do something 569 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:09,037 I haven't done in a very long time. 570 00:22:09,079 --> 00:22:11,373 - What's that? 571 00:22:11,414 --> 00:22:14,292 - Try to think of something. 572 00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,877 - Yeah. 573 00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:19,422 [dramatic music] 574 00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:21,883 - I told my friends I'd fix this, but... 575 00:22:21,925 --> 00:22:23,802 I have no idea how. 576 00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:26,680 - It's like my coach from the East German Olympics team 577 00:22:26,721 --> 00:22:28,348 used to say-- don't do the high jump 578 00:22:28,390 --> 00:22:31,059 if you've taken the steroids for shot put. 579 00:22:31,101 --> 00:22:33,520 Play to your strengths. 580 00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:36,106 - [chuckles] Yeah. 581 00:22:36,147 --> 00:22:39,317 Well, the only thing I'm good at is ruining things. 582 00:22:39,359 --> 00:22:43,071 * * 583 00:22:43,113 --> 00:22:44,197 Wait a minute. 584 00:22:44,239 --> 00:22:45,490 - No. 585 00:22:45,532 --> 00:22:49,160 * * 586 00:22:49,202 --> 00:22:51,413 - [chuckles] 587 00:22:51,454 --> 00:22:55,834 * * 588 00:22:55,875 --> 00:22:57,377 - Bumper. 589 00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:01,548 - Tell me you didn't call an emergency team meeting 590 00:23:01,589 --> 00:23:02,924 to get matching jackets. 591 00:23:02,966 --> 00:23:04,926 - No, but we should put a pin in that, 592 00:23:04,968 --> 00:23:07,512 because that is a very, very good idea. 593 00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:11,182 Okay, so you know how I always mess everything up? 594 00:23:11,224 --> 00:23:12,225 - Yes. - Oh, yes. 595 00:23:12,267 --> 00:23:13,393 - Big-time. 596 00:23:13,435 --> 00:23:17,439 - Okay, well, what if this time, 597 00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,734 I mess something up on purpose... 598 00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:22,610 to help us? 599 00:23:22,652 --> 00:23:25,280 Would you guys trust me to do that? 600 00:23:25,321 --> 00:23:27,282 - Yeah, actually. - Actually, yes. 601 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,658 - Thank you. 602 00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:30,952 Because what I have in store is gonna make 603 00:23:30,994 --> 00:23:35,081 "Sour Pickles" look like small p-- 604 00:23:35,123 --> 00:23:37,167 pickles. 605 00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:39,294 [distant cheering] - Yeah. 606 00:23:39,336 --> 00:23:40,754 - Here we go. 607 00:23:40,795 --> 00:23:45,300 [crowd cheering] 608 00:23:45,342 --> 00:23:48,261 - Hello, my little Gise-lads 609 00:23:48,303 --> 00:23:51,514 and Gise-lasses! 610 00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:55,769 - And what's up, all my Bumper Gump shrimps? 611 00:23:55,810 --> 00:23:58,480 - Yes! Bumper Gump shrimps! 612 00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:00,315 Bumper Gump shrimps! - Gump shrimps! 613 00:24:00,357 --> 00:24:03,443 - Bumper Gump shrimps-- shrimps... 614 00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:04,903 - [through clenched teeth] What the hell 615 00:24:04,944 --> 00:24:06,696 do you think you're doing, you silly little kinder man? 616 00:24:06,738 --> 00:24:08,907 Are you perhaps lost on your way 617 00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:12,202 to one of Berlin's many world-famous chocolate shops 618 00:24:12,243 --> 00:24:13,787 or museums? [laughs] 619 00:24:13,828 --> 00:24:15,580 - No, I was just thinking, 620 00:24:15,622 --> 00:24:18,458 what if we turn this little concert 621 00:24:18,500 --> 00:24:21,044 into a little riff-off? 622 00:24:21,086 --> 00:24:22,754 [crowd cheering] 623 00:24:22,796 --> 00:24:26,007 - Of course you are challenging me to a whiff-off. 624 00:24:26,049 --> 00:24:28,760 You Americans, you are obsessed with your whiff-offs. 625 00:24:28,802 --> 00:24:30,762 - Whiff-off? - Yeah, a whiff-off. 626 00:24:30,804 --> 00:24:32,597 - It's a riff-off. - Whiff-off. 627 00:24:32,639 --> 00:24:34,516 - Riff-off. - You said whiff-off. 628 00:24:34,557 --> 00:24:36,101 I said whiff-off. - Okay. 629 00:24:36,142 --> 00:24:39,771 - And I would love to be a part of the whiff-off, 630 00:24:39,813 --> 00:24:42,065 but, unfortunately, the a cappella bylaws 631 00:24:42,107 --> 00:24:44,317 clearly say a "quowum" of a cappella peers 632 00:24:44,359 --> 00:24:45,568 must be "pwesent" 633 00:24:45,610 --> 00:24:47,487 for a whiff-off to be legally binding. 634 00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:49,239 So it's sad, yeah. 635 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,658 - It's actually not sad, nein. 636 00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:53,118 It's not sad at all, 637 00:24:53,159 --> 00:24:57,580 because if you were to reread page 45, paragraph 7, 638 00:24:57,622 --> 00:24:59,040 it clearly states, 639 00:24:59,082 --> 00:25:02,085 "In the case of an international riff-off 640 00:25:02,127 --> 00:25:05,755 "within 100 kilometers of a fordable river, 641 00:25:05,797 --> 00:25:08,466 the quorum can be waived"! 642 00:25:08,508 --> 00:25:10,135 [cheers and applause] 643 00:25:10,176 --> 00:25:13,430 - All right, then, what are the stakes? 644 00:25:13,471 --> 00:25:15,223 - If I win, 645 00:25:15,265 --> 00:25:16,891 I get to say whatever I want 646 00:25:16,933 --> 00:25:19,227 to all of your followers on your livestream. 647 00:25:19,269 --> 00:25:21,396 all: Ooh! 648 00:25:21,438 --> 00:25:24,566 - Okay, and, uh, when I win? 649 00:25:24,607 --> 00:25:27,694 - If you win, I will... 650 00:25:27,736 --> 00:25:29,320 go back to America... 651 00:25:29,362 --> 00:25:32,073 all: Ooh! [cheers and applause] 652 00:25:32,115 --> 00:25:33,491 Today. 653 00:25:35,493 --> 00:25:38,580 - All right, then, I agree to your terms. 654 00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:42,250 But we are on my home turf, 655 00:25:42,292 --> 00:25:45,545 so the theme is Germany. 656 00:25:45,587 --> 00:25:48,340 You will sing German songs, 657 00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:52,761 and I will sing American songs. 658 00:25:52,802 --> 00:25:54,804 [laughs] 659 00:25:54,846 --> 00:25:56,890 [cheers and applause] 660 00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:59,225 - You're about to go down. 661 00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:01,936 * Here I am * 662 00:26:01,978 --> 00:26:05,231 * Rock you like a hurricane * 663 00:26:05,273 --> 00:26:07,067 * Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on! * 664 00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:09,319 - [beatboxing] - * Here I am * 665 00:26:09,361 --> 00:26:10,528 * Rock you like a-- * 666 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:11,946 - * But I have to charge * 667 00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:14,199 * My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard * 668 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,159 * And they're like, it's better than yours * 669 00:26:16,201 --> 00:26:18,203 * Damn right, it's better than yours * 670 00:26:18,244 --> 00:26:19,913 * I can teach you * [singers vocalizing] 671 00:26:19,954 --> 00:26:22,415 * I know you want it * 672 00:26:22,457 --> 00:26:24,459 * The things that makes me-- * 673 00:26:24,501 --> 00:26:25,960 - [hisses] 674 00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,922 - * Du hast, du hast mich * - [beatboxes] 675 00:26:28,963 --> 00:26:31,758 - * Nyah, nyah, nyah * 676 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,426 - * Do what I wanna do * 677 00:26:33,468 --> 00:26:35,345 singers: * It's my prerogative * 678 00:26:35,387 --> 00:26:37,472 - * Oh, no, no * [all beatboxing] 679 00:26:37,514 --> 00:26:39,641 * Don't ask me questions * 680 00:26:39,683 --> 00:26:42,102 * Why am I so real? * 681 00:26:42,143 --> 00:26:43,728 * But they don't understand-- * 682 00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:45,980 - * No one understands what Major Tom sees * 683 00:26:46,022 --> 00:26:47,399 * Now the light commands * 684 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:48,942 - You're supposed to be helping me. 685 00:26:48,983 --> 00:26:51,069 * I'm coming home * - * Four, three, two, one * 686 00:26:51,111 --> 00:26:54,239 * Yeah! * - * Earth below us * 687 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,491 * Drifting, falling * 688 00:26:56,533 --> 00:26:58,660 - You're supposed to be doing my song. 689 00:26:58,702 --> 00:27:00,662 - * Floating weightless * - Oh! 690 00:27:00,704 --> 00:27:02,372 - * Calling, calling-- * 691 00:27:02,414 --> 00:27:05,250 - * We could be homeless, we could be broke * 692 00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:09,004 * As long as you love me, I'll be your platinum * 693 00:27:09,045 --> 00:27:12,424 * I'll be your silver, I'll be your gold * 694 00:27:12,465 --> 00:27:13,925 * As long as you love-- * 695 00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:17,721 - * No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no * 696 00:27:17,762 --> 00:27:20,181 both: * No, no * 697 00:27:20,223 --> 00:27:22,100 - Oh, Gisela. 698 00:27:22,142 --> 00:27:23,268 Ooh, you lose. 699 00:27:23,309 --> 00:27:24,561 - What do you mean? 700 00:27:24,602 --> 00:27:26,604 - You see, Justin Bieber... 701 00:27:26,646 --> 00:27:27,981 is Canadian! 702 00:27:28,023 --> 00:27:28,982 all: Ooh. 703 00:27:29,024 --> 00:27:30,442 - Those were your rules, so-- 704 00:27:30,483 --> 00:27:34,946 - But he lives in America, and he loves money and fame, 705 00:27:34,988 --> 00:27:37,073 and he peed in the bucket. 706 00:27:37,115 --> 00:27:41,494 - And yet his blood runs maple. 707 00:27:41,536 --> 00:27:43,413 [Canadian accent] Sorry "aboot" it. 708 00:27:43,455 --> 00:27:44,956 [laughs] Where's the livestream? 709 00:27:44,998 --> 00:27:46,166 Hey! 710 00:27:46,207 --> 00:27:48,335 What's up? I'm Bumper Allen! 711 00:27:48,376 --> 00:27:51,212 Check out my new song, written by my girl 712 00:27:51,254 --> 00:27:53,506 Heidi Miller! 713 00:27:53,548 --> 00:27:56,593 [cheers and applause] 714 00:27:56,634 --> 00:28:01,056 You are so lucky you have an ex who is looking after you. 715 00:28:01,097 --> 00:28:03,683 Your career almost ended today. 716 00:28:03,725 --> 00:28:06,144 I know about the thing. 717 00:28:06,186 --> 00:28:08,396 - The bathroom looked like that before I went in there, 718 00:28:08,438 --> 00:28:10,023 I swear. 719 00:28:10,065 --> 00:28:12,776 - I'm talking about the DSM thing. 720 00:28:12,817 --> 00:28:16,988 Your thing sounds gross. 721 00:28:17,030 --> 00:28:18,365 I won! 722 00:28:18,406 --> 00:28:21,534 [cheers and applause] 723 00:28:21,576 --> 00:28:23,578 [upbeat music] 724 00:28:23,620 --> 00:28:25,497 - Off. - Thank you. 725 00:28:25,538 --> 00:28:26,664 Thank you. 726 00:28:26,706 --> 00:28:33,672 * * 727 00:28:40,095 --> 00:28:43,640 [music playing softly, indistinct chatter] 728 00:28:43,682 --> 00:28:45,266 - Pieter just heard that "Sour Pickles" 729 00:28:45,308 --> 00:28:47,435 pulled your interview since you scooped them 730 00:28:47,477 --> 00:28:48,770 on releasing your song. 731 00:28:48,812 --> 00:28:50,980 - Just to say it, I would love to work with you 732 00:28:51,022 --> 00:28:52,315 whenever you're ready. 733 00:28:52,357 --> 00:28:53,942 We are the most talented here, anyway. 734 00:28:53,983 --> 00:28:56,986 - You know it. [chuckles] - [grunts] 735 00:28:57,028 --> 00:29:00,073 [groans] Sorry, my tattoo's a little tender. 736 00:29:00,115 --> 00:29:00,949 - Sorry. 737 00:29:00,990 --> 00:29:03,243 - Team, great work today. 738 00:29:03,284 --> 00:29:05,912 And seeing Gisela glistening up there onstage 739 00:29:05,954 --> 00:29:09,499 inspired me to make a resolution of the heart. 740 00:29:09,541 --> 00:29:11,126 I deserve better than to be in love 741 00:29:11,167 --> 00:29:13,128 with the very woman who destroyed me. 742 00:29:13,169 --> 00:29:15,547 I will try to have the self-respect of a man 743 00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:17,590 with way fewer nipples. 744 00:29:17,632 --> 00:29:19,259 From here on out, 745 00:29:19,300 --> 00:29:21,886 I will no longer be under the spell of Gisela. 746 00:29:21,928 --> 00:29:25,640 From now on, my heart belongs to you all. 747 00:29:25,682 --> 00:29:27,225 - Turtle power. 748 00:29:27,267 --> 00:29:29,477 - Turtle power. - Turtle power. 749 00:29:29,519 --> 00:29:31,062 - Whoo! 750 00:29:37,318 --> 00:29:38,445 - Hello, Pieter. 751 00:29:40,238 --> 00:29:41,948 - Gisela. 752 00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:44,784 - I heard you saved my hide today, 753 00:29:44,826 --> 00:29:48,621 and so I thought you might as well feel it. 754 00:29:48,663 --> 00:29:51,624 [intriguing music] 755 00:29:51,666 --> 00:29:57,213 * *