1 00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,471 Previously on Malcolm in the Middle... I love you. 2 00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:05,639 I want to break up. 3 00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,209 DRILL SERGEANT: Welcome to the US Army! 4 00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:09,543 You are not going to lie 5 00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,845 to put someone in jail who might be innocent. 6 00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:13,647 Can't he at least put some pants on? 7 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:17,017 Just as soon as we get a good perp walk out of him. 8 00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:18,486 MAN: Your court order says you have 9 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,054 to stay within a 50-foot radius. 10 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,556 My drill sergeant's breath is not my concern! 11 00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,524 I know you're innocent, 12 00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,658 and I can prove it. 13 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,393 Just make sure you stay 14 00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:26,660 within 30 feet of this backpack. 15 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,496 I want you to explain to these recruits 16 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,098 how the worst soldier in the unit 17 00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,899 has managed to put them all to shame. 18 00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,667 I just stopped thinking. 19 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,169 I'm the world's happiest tool. 20 00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,838 Mom, you've been in there for three hours! 21 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,040 LOIS: In a minute. I'm in the shower! 22 00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,742 I think we got a bomb here. 23 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,010 Sir, I need you to step away 24 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,778 to a distance of at least 150 feet. 25 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,013 I can't do that. 26 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,182 I'm... I'm... 27 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,551 I'm in the bomb squad. 28 00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,254 (whimpers) 29 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:56,890 * Yes, no, maybe 30 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,360 * I don't know 31 00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:02,796 * Can you repeat the question? 32 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,932 * You're not the boss of me now * 33 00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:07,368 * You're not the boss of me now * 34 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:08,869 * You're not the boss of me now * 35 00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,939 * And you're not so big 36 00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,308 * You're not the boss of me now * 37 00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,377 * You're not the boss of me now * 38 00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,912 * You're not the boss of me now * 39 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:21,782 * And you're not so big 40 00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:26,254 * Life is unfair. 41 00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,260 OFFICER (over bullhorn): You're not alone. 42 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:35,129 We've called every available police officer 43 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:38,232 in the Tri-County area. 44 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:40,134 Are you sure you don't need any equipment? 45 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,136 We've got some needle-nose pliers. 46 00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:43,937 No! Stay away! 47 00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,639 Everyone has to stay away! 48 00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:49,510 This thing is picking up a lot of vibrations right now. 49 00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,078 I said get back. 50 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,413 Do you have a death wish, Officer? 51 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,248 I'm Lieutenant Sortino with the bomb squad. 52 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,184 I'm here to help. What's your name? 53 00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:57,751 No time for introductions. 54 00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,187 We've got a level five explosive 55 00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,490 with a gravity timer and a percussion fuse. 56 00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,526 What bomb squad did you say you were with? 57 00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,760 Millbrook. 58 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,595 I'm off duty. 59 00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,996 Came by to return a library book. 60 00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,264 You've got a better selection here. 61 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,433 And they charge 50 cents a day back home. 62 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,168 Now, I know the fines help pay 63 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:16,136 for the place, but that's really 64 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,505 a very small part of the budget. 65 00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:20,774 Now, if we are finished playing 20 questions, 66 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,211 I've got lives to save. 67 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:27,615 Since you guys seem more up to date in Millbrook, 68 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,850 I'm just going to go call your supervisor, 69 00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,219 see if he can send some backup. 70 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,287 Hoo-hoo! Sure. 71 00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:36,624 If you can find him. (chuckling) 72 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,527 (indistinct police radio transmissions) 73 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:45,666 Okay, I'm going to try to detach the coaxial... 74 00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,068 (screeches): Oh, no! 75 00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,670 I cut the wrong wire! 76 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,905 It's gonna blow! 77 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,342 Tell my wife I love her! 78 00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,143 Five! 79 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,144 Four! 80 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,579 Three! 81 00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,480 Two! 82 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,249 One! 83 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,697 See? You don't need grocery money if you're creative. 84 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,333 I wish I had better news for you, Hal, but the prosecution 85 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,669 has 30 eyewitnesses that can all avoid 86 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,772 going to prison themselves by fingering you. 87 00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,507 How about my mystery guy? 88 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,175 He's only got six months to live. 89 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,244 He doesn't want to die with a guilty conscience. 90 00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:32,112 He's gonna completely exonerate me. 91 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,581 And he's not imaginary. 92 00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,215 This is pretty much how things 93 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,017 have been going around here lately. 94 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,519 Dad's trial starts tomorrow, 95 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,521 we still have no idea where Reese is, 96 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,623 and Mom kind of had a breakdown. 97 00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,526 It's okay. She's slowly working her way back. 98 00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,262 I think her new hobby's helping her. 99 00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,033 This one's name is Sam Gundlebumps. 100 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:57,037 He grew up on a farm where he was friends with a turkey and a duck. 101 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,374 He can't see very well, so he's always getting lost. 102 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,442 It'll be okay, Lois. 103 00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,043 We're gonna find Reese. 104 00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,413 (gasps): Look, he picked flowers. 105 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,349 He's going a-courtin'. 106 00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,118 Right face! 107 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,119 Left face! 108 00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:14,154 About face! 109 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:14,988 Right arm windmill! 110 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,124 Hop on your left foot! 111 00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:19,726 Teapot! 112 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,161 About face! 113 00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:23,431 Forward march! 114 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,736 He'll do that all day. 115 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,472 He's got no more thought than a bug. 116 00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,073 It's almost enough to restore my faith 117 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,241 in the future of this army. 118 00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,677 I guess those subliminal ads are working after all. 119 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,979 The army doesn't use subliminal ads. 120 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,815 (Reese bumping wall repeatedly) 121 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,484 At ease! 122 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,087 Now, in a few days we have some 123 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,423 very important field training exercises, 124 00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:52,125 and I want you to be my number two, 125 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,794 because you will obey my every command 126 00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,597 like some kind of beautiful, brainless zombie robot. 127 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,298 I'd be honored, Drill Sergeant. 128 00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,600 Now let's go make some bets 129 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,802 and march you into the electric fence. 130 00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,138 WOMAN: I saw the defendant 131 00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,441 hack through the proxy server's firewall, 132 00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,611 and delete the SPE files without leaving any tracks. 133 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,480 I didn't totally understand it, 134 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,814 but he said the dummy corporation 135 00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,850 could be used to launder all the money we siphoned off. 136 00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,953 You can threaten my children all you want! 137 00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,021 I don't care! 138 00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,990 I have to tell the truth! 139 00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:30,330 (mouthing) 140 00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,133 For God's sakes, do something. 141 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,468 Just be patient. 142 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:37,137 There's such a thing as too much evidence. 143 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:40,040 Eventually they'll get bored. 144 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,009 The prosecution calls Gordon Walker. 145 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,914 That's him. That's my guy. 146 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:53,821 I was worried about what I would say when I got up here, 147 00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:54,988 but deep down, I knew 148 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,157 I would have to tell the truth. 149 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,727 There's a conspiracy going on here, 150 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,829 and it's all been orchestrated 151 00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,096 by that man. 152 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,733 (gallery murmuring) 153 00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,737 (whispering): Is he pointing at someone directly behind me? 154 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,106 And after he shredded the last of the documents, 155 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,207 he delivered the punch line 156 00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,744 to yet another racist joke. 157 00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:18,712 PROSECUTOR: No further questions. 158 00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,116 Turns out I'm gonna live. 159 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,619 They had the wrong X ray. 160 00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:27,555 Boy, when you've had a scare like mine, 161 00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:29,423 you realize what's really important-- 162 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:30,924 staying out of jail. 163 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,392 Good luck. 164 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,139 MALCOLM: With this many people lying, 165 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,709 we've got to be able to find something to trip one of them up. 166 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,578 Let's not get our hopes up. 167 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,914 Mom, I know you've had a rough time 168 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:57,551 and that your little projects are very therapeutic for you, 169 00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,553 but Dad is in very big trouble. 170 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,254 You have to start helping. 171 00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,823 Honey, I know this is a crisis, 172 00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,559 and believe me, I'm doing everything I can. 173 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:08,228 I spent extra money on quick-drying glue, 174 00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,898 so no matter how you shake it, the sequins won't fall off. 175 00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,432 After what happened at Compulsories, 176 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:16,103 Rebecca's really got to nail her long program. 177 00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,779 Those flour bombs just don't do it for me. 178 00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,315 I miss the old days when we got to use live ordnance. 179 00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,150 That looked like the movies. 180 00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,085 Tell your men advance 181 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,120 northwest, 20 meters. 182 00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,656 Advance northwest, 20 meters! 183 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,424 North-northeast, five meters! 184 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,693 North-northeast, five meters! 185 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,431 (beeping) Crap. I'm hit! 186 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,433 I'm gonna go die over here in the shade. 187 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,768 Get to the rendezvous point! 188 00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,003 Bravo, lay down cover fire! Alpha, flank right. 189 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:53,106 Get to the rendezvous point! Bravo, lay down cover fire. 190 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,675 Alpha, flank right! 191 00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:55,609 You are really showing 192 00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,177 leadership, soldier! 193 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,079 I am really showing leadership! 194 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,149 (man screaming) 195 00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:04,184 I'm allergic to wheat products! 196 00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,620 This is going to be awesome. 197 00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,688 You've got to watch this. 198 00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:08,956 He swells up like a balloon. 199 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,524 Hey! 200 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,826 We got a vehicle from Blue Team approaching. 201 00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:13,627 Squad Leader! 202 00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:14,962 Intercept that vehicle! 203 00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,597 Yes, Sergeant! 204 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,168 Oh, no! 205 00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:26,607 Oh, my God, are you okay? 206 00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,078 God, I love that boy. 207 00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:34,715 More Blue Team vehicles approaching-- should we run? 208 00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:38,217 Sergeant! Sergeant! 209 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,486 Forget the sergeant! 210 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,654 Just say we can run! 211 00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,255 Sergeant? Sergeant? 212 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:44,391 Idiot! Move! 213 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,826 Reese! Come on! 214 00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,160 Can we go?! 215 00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,096 Sergeant? Sergeant? 216 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,702 Sergeant? Sergeant? 217 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,874 Sergeant? 218 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,617 Ladies and gentlemen, you have heard a staggering amount 219 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:10,684 of evidence against the defendant. 220 00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,686 Let me clarify what we now know. 221 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,588 Three members of the board of directors 222 00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:15,923 testified that the defendant 223 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:19,693 submitted altered financial statements on August 9. 224 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:20,861 The Senior VP of Finance 225 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,930 heard the defendant plot to hide 226 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:26,433 company assets offshore on December 6. 227 00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,868 The Chief Operations Officer 228 00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,703 saw him shredding documents in a stairwell 229 00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,538 on February 21. 230 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,875 And on June 27, the Director of IT Services 231 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,810 testified that the defendant 232 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:39,246 showed him pictures of his new yacht 233 00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:42,816 which he named Above the Law. 234 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,252 And, on July 11, 235 00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,888 you heard the Senior Analyst 236 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,923 break down in tears as he revealed 237 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,058 (snoring) the defendant's scheme 238 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,392 to bilk the company out of millions... 239 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,227 What are you doing? 240 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,630 Shh. I'm awake. 241 00:09:56,664 --> 00:10:00,300 I'm trying to get you grounds for an appeal. 242 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,769 (snoring) 243 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,608 Mom? Are you coming out for dinner? 244 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,811 I'm just taking Penelope's temperature. 245 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:13,146 I think she caught Ambrosia's cold. 246 00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,582 Is Penelope the foreign correspondent 247 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,450 or the candy striper? 248 00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,420 No, she's just a homemaker, 249 00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,922 but a big candy company's 250 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,357 interested in her taffy recipe. 251 00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,225 Can I have the potatoes? 252 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,928 You can have anything you want, son, 253 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,263 if you're willing to work for it. 254 00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,199 Just reach for the stars 255 00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,266 and never let go. 256 00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,836 I should have told you that a long time ago. 257 00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,438 And when you write an angry letter, 258 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,940 hold onto it for a day. 259 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,709 You might not feel the same in the morning. 260 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,376 And never invest 261 00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,612 in a friend's restaurant. Never. 262 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,147 You know what? 263 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:47,948 I'm not hungry. 264 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,616 Come on, Dewey, let's go teach you 265 00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,718 how to shave. 266 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,620 Great! 267 00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,488 When you tip a valet, 268 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,290 always fold your dollar up real tight. 269 00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,392 That way, by the time he sees what he's got, 270 00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:00,694 you're down the block. 271 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,831 (sobbing) 272 00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:04,732 Dad? 273 00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,366 I made coffee. You want some? 274 00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,467 Oh, hi. 275 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,869 I was just singing. 276 00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,271 Always have a song in your heart, son. 277 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,241 Thanks. 278 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,743 (sighs) 279 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,644 You know what the worst thing is? 280 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,313 I have always hated that job. 281 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,148 I wanted to quit 282 00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,883 ten years ago when they started 283 00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,351 deducting for sick days. 284 00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,485 I wanted to quit a year ago 285 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,854 when they started making us 286 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,521 vacuum out our own cubicles. 287 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,057 If I'd have done that, 288 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,825 they would have found another patsy 289 00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,693 and I wouldn't have been in this mess. 290 00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,428 They should have just fired me. 291 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,365 I was a terrible employee. 292 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,767 I never read a memo, 293 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,235 I came in late, I blew off Fridays. 294 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:45,205 What the hell is wrong with those people? 295 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:47,841 Just promise me 296 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,910 that you'll learn from my mistakes. 297 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,679 Don't ever settle, Malcolm. 298 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,314 I won't. 299 00:11:56,483 --> 00:12:01,054 I'm going to go make love to your mother one last time. 300 00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,425 I probably wasn't going to sleep tonight anyway. 301 00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,061 Malcolm, we have to talk. 302 00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:10,597 We've been avoiding this, but it's 303 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,199 time to face the facts. 304 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,567 We need you to forge Dad's signature on this document 305 00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,436 declaring Mom mentally incompetent. 306 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,537 That way, when Dad goes to jail, 307 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,806 you can get emancipated 308 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,308 and I'll take custody of Dewey and Jamie. 309 00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:22,943 It's funny. 310 00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:26,246 I always figured Mom for jail and Dad for the loony bin. 311 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,480 Life, huh? 312 00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,549 I can't fake Dad's signature. 313 00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,085 I do Mom. Reese does Dad. 314 00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:32,986 What? 315 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,621 You should each be able to do both. 316 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,089 What did I tell you about building 317 00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,825 a little redundancy into the system? 318 00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,927 Wait a second. 319 00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,461 Oh, my God. 320 00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,964 What is it? I need to talk to Dad right now. 321 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,736 Maybe I'll wait 20 minutes. 322 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,072 What were your orders, Private?! 323 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,573 I don't know. Ask the sergeant. 324 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,742 Tell us your call signs and frequencies! 325 00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,510 I don't know. Ask the sergeant. 326 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,846 We don't have to do this 327 00:12:58,879 --> 00:12:59,980 the hard way. 328 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,815 Let's all take a break 329 00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,450 and relax a little. 330 00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,986 You want a glass of water? 331 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,421 I don't know. Ask the sergeant. 332 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:09,622 Stop saying that! 333 00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,258 This may not be a real war, 334 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,160 but I got an extra day's leave riding on this, 335 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,028 and a girlfriend who is in model school. 336 00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:16,596 Model school! 337 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,833 Now you will talk or I will make your life a living hell! 338 00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,201 You don't think I want to?! 339 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,769 This sucks! I've been a good soldier! 340 00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,272 I shut off my brain like the Army wanted. 341 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,440 Everyone said I was doing great, but I'm not! 342 00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:28,842 I have to help my squad. 343 00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,277 The guys are depending on me, but I can't! 344 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,379 You know what? I don't care what the Army says. 345 00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,947 I'm sick of this! 346 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,348 I'm turning my brain back on! 347 00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,221 Did it happen? 348 00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,456 Did what happen? 349 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,624 Wait... 350 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,326 I think it's... 351 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,661 No, it's not. 352 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,630 Yes, it is. 353 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,132 Is it? 354 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,167 Damn, I wish there was more of a difference. 355 00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,036 Look, you can act as crazy as you'd like, 356 00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,570 'cause I got nothing but time. 357 00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,072 And no one's coming to rescue you. 358 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,807 Not your sergeant, not your squad, 359 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,075 and your mama's not going to come 360 00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,177 and wipe your nose and change your diaper. 361 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,581 Mom. 362 00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,583 Mom. Of course. 363 00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,020 (inhales deeply) 364 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,223 Freak held his breath 365 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,525 until he turned blue and then passed out. 366 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,164 Yeah! Whoo! 367 00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,765 Haven't done that in a while. 368 00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,567 You okay? I'm fine. 369 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,402 I know how to get us out of here. 370 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,005 That's impossible. Look around. We're in prison, man. 371 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:35,175 Wrong. We are not in prison. We're grounded. 372 00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,344 And there's always a way to get out of being grounded. 373 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,079 You can pry up some floorboards... 374 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,048 set your bed on fire. 375 00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:43,150 There's only two things you have to remember. 376 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,018 You need a diversion 377 00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,220 and the little guy gets screwed. 378 00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:48,521 But that's okay. 379 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,690 He's too little to do anything about it. 380 00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:51,758 You're going to have 381 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,393 to eat some dirt-- about three pounds of it. 382 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,128 What good's a diversion going to do? We're tied up. 383 00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,130 I guess your brothers never tied you up 384 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,066 and left you in a Dumpster on trash day. 385 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,236 Okay, start eating. 386 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,872 It's not fatal, it only looks like it. 387 00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:06,873 (vomiting) 388 00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:07,874 We need more shovels! 389 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,243 And just get every bucket you can find! 390 00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,884 You might want to hike up your pants. 391 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,652 He's got another half hour of this. 392 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,224 Good news, sir. 393 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,126 It looks like Red Team's about to fold. 394 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,560 Two squads have been captured, 395 00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,563 the others are pinned down here, here, and here. 396 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:35,468 Okay, now we've just got to sneak the keys out of his purse. 397 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:38,005 (clears throat) 398 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,444 Test, test. 399 00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,680 Test, test. 400 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:49,916 (blows) 401 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:50,917 The microphone works. 402 00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:51,851 The chair is perfect, 403 00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:52,952 and your hair looks fine, sir. 404 00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,187 Can we proceed? 405 00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,590 Now then, Hal, we've heard a lot of testimony 406 00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,093 from people about what you've done at this company. 407 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,462 Why don't you tell us in your own words 408 00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:05,032 what kind of an employee you were. 409 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,400 Marginal. 410 00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,271 At best. 411 00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,439 Would you care to elaborate? 412 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,509 When you work for a big, impersonal corporation 413 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:17,677 like this... 414 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,312 You know those nature shows 415 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,848 where a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar, 416 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,950 then injects it full of larvae? 417 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,618 It stays alive for weeks, 418 00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,221 completely aware, feeling every little bite 419 00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,990 as the larvae devour it from the inside. 420 00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:33,960 I sat in a cubicle every day 421 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,962 envying that caterpillar 422 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,731 'cause at least he got to be on TV. 423 00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,568 I hated that job. 424 00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,836 I was a crappy employee. 425 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,004 And yet countless 426 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,574 eyewitnesses paint you as a man at the center 427 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,975 of an ingenious conspiracy. 428 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,510 (soft crying) 429 00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,912 Shh-shh... 430 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,714 Time and time again you were placed 431 00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,015 at a crucial event. 432 00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:59,419 Do you have any way of refuting these claims? 433 00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:00,520 Well, I didn't. 434 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,454 Who could remember 435 00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:03,823 what they were doing on January 25, 2002 436 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,226 or March 14, 2003? 437 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,994 But my son figured something out. 438 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,530 Stand up, Malcolm. 439 00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:12,732 I know he looks normal, 440 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,867 but my son is a freaky genius with numbers. 441 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,669 I'm telling you, his head should be 442 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,003 the size of a medicine ball. 443 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,406 You give him 444 00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,007 any day of any year, and he can tell you 445 00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,008 what day of the week it is. 446 00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,542 And what does that have to do with anything? 447 00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:27,914 Well, he figured out that every date on the board 448 00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,015 is a Friday. 449 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,184 Every one. You can check the calendar. 450 00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,119 DENNIS: I'm sorry, 451 00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,186 I don't understand 452 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,754 why that would be so important. 453 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:43,696 I haven't shown up for work on a Friday in 15 years. 454 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:47,334 He didn't show up on Fridays for 15 years! 455 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,770 That isn't going to be on the record, is it? 456 00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,372 Do you have any evidence 457 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,441 to back up this wild assertion? 458 00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,576 Well, yeah, once I knew what to look for, 459 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,378 I realized I had almost everything I need 460 00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,812 right here in my memory box. 461 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,882 The prosecution maintains 462 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,084 that you handed the board of directors 463 00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,220 a set of cooked books on August 9. 464 00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:11,324 Yes, that's when I went to Bavaria Land. 465 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,396 And when you were 466 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,797 supposed to be hiding money 467 00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:18,965 offshore on December 6? 468 00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,633 I went to The Nutcracker. 469 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,570 Pretty good for a community college production. 470 00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,138 DENNIS: February 21. 471 00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,406 My driver's license 472 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,308 from Grand Prix Go-Carts. 473 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,077 June 27. 474 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,812 Pilgrim Village. 475 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,514 July 11. 476 00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:37,083 There was a ghost in my car. 477 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,187 Right in my car. 478 00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,955 And finally, 479 00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,191 August 22. 480 00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,258 Well, I was chosen 481 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,560 to be a junior trainer at Oceanland. 482 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:53,366 He did all the work. I just stood there. 483 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,102 (laughing and cheering) 484 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,804 Congratulations, Hal. 485 00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,107 Sorry about my little outburst there at the end. 486 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,275 But they really should say 487 00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,010 "Innocent" instead of "Not guilty." 488 00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:05,745 It's confusing. 489 00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:10,417 Lois, we won the case. 490 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:11,718 Now we can get 491 00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,386 our lives back to the way they were. 492 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:17,824 You didn't work on Fridays? 493 00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,058 After all the sacrifices 494 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,694 I made for this family. 495 00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:22,962 For 15 years 496 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,897 I worked double shifts, 497 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,367 drove carpool, cleaned the house 498 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,902 while you were feeding Shamu! 499 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,037 Actually, it's Keiko 2. 500 00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,406 He's smaller, but you get just as wet in the front row. 501 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,741 It's a really good show. Let's... 502 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:35,908 We should see it sometime. 503 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,812 All right, let's get this over with. 504 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,147 Red Team surrenders. 505 00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,148 Come on, Hendrix, 506 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,650 you can put a little feeling into it. 507 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:44,684 Yes, sir. 508 00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,019 That leaves us with the matter of the wager. 509 00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,421 I believe I can expect to see you 510 00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,257 bright and early tomorrow morning 511 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,824 marching on the parade grounds 512 00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:54,561 wearing patent leather pumps and a bustier. 513 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:55,562 Now, I've always 514 00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,364 favored red, but far be it from me 515 00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:58,998 to tell a lady how to dress. 516 00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,868 (engine rumbling) 517 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:10,743 Captain, 518 00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:12,044 I suggest you surrender. 519 00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,413 If not, I have enough flour 520 00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:14,681 packed in this barrel to bake 521 00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,349 500 cakes. 522 00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,018 All right, don't fire. 523 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,254 We hereby surrender. 524 00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:25,892 Ah, what the hell. 525 00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,867 Things are finally back to normal. 526 00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:38,070 Well, except for the fact that Reese is still missing, 527 00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,939 Mom and Dad both don't have jobs, 528 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,141 and we're $20,000 in debt. 529 00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,776 It's a letter from Reese. 530 00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:47,213 Oh, my God, he's joined the army. 531 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,316 "Dear family, I'm fine. 532 00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,551 "I waited till I was a success to write to you. 533 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,753 "I finished basic training at the top 534 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:54,787 "of my class. 535 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,055 "My drill sergeant told me 536 00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,058 I've earned some sort of reward." 537 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,226 All right, gentlemen. 538 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,994 We've entered Afghani airspace. 539 00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,062 We expect both hostile 540 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,597 and friendly fire. 541 00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,466 The better you remember your training, 542 00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:07,967 the longer you will survive. 543 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,001 On your feet! 544 00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,070 How soon do we land? 545 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,605 Well, that's up to you. 546 00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,843 Remember, pull the green cord before the light green cord.