1
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:09,458
-[horse neighs]
-[gunshots]

2
00:00:09,541 --> 00:00:10,750
[Seamus] Hey, Willy boy.

3
00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:12,208
Bring me another beer.

4
00:00:12,291 --> 00:00:15,166
And some of those fancy nuts
with the candy around them.

5
00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:16,958
I told you, Dad, it's Elliot.

6
00:00:17,041 --> 00:00:19,291
And the fancy nuts are peanut MandM's.

7
00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:22,666
But we'll address all that and the decades
of trauma you've inflicted upon me

8
00:00:22,750 --> 00:00:24,500
after your ankle heals, okay?

9
00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:26,750
Dad, how long is he staying here?

10
00:00:26,833 --> 00:00:28,625
He's been pissing in beer cans.

11
00:00:28,708 --> 00:00:31,458
Well, the orthopedist said
he has to be in a cast for 6 to 8 weeks,

12
00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:32,458
so it'll just fly by.

13
00:00:32,541 --> 00:00:35,375
Don't you think he'd be more comfortable
if he were dead in the ground?

14
00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:38,250
[gasps] Are you suggesting
we euthanize your grandfather?

15
00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:40,708
Of course not.
We would pay somebody to do it.

16
00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,666
Nicholas Birch!

17
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:42,833
Uh-oh.

18
00:00:42,916 --> 00:00:44,916
Mommy Diane is using your big-boy name.

19
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,666
Your grandfather is only here

20
00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,833
because you couldn't leave
well enough alone.

21
00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,166
Now, why don't you go
and bring him a beer and his fancy nuts.

22
00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:53,833
-But...
-Just fucking do it.

23
00:00:53,916 --> 00:00:57,416
-[groans]
-Ooh, it's my wee butler.

24
00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,875
And I call you that
because now you can take away my wee.

25
00:00:59,958 --> 00:01:04,291
Ew, I'm not taking your pee can.
There's, like, steam coming off it.

26
00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:06,291
[man] Say, is your life miserable?

27
00:01:06,375 --> 00:01:07,208
Yes.

28
00:01:07,291 --> 00:01:11,041
[man] Well, just imagine a future
where everything is perfect,

29
00:01:11,125 --> 00:01:14,041
where possibility meets impossibility,

30
00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:18,041
and it's all pinned
right to your very own shirt.

31
00:01:18,125 --> 00:01:20,916
Introducing the Apple Brooch.

32
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,833
Oh, it's so fancy and shiny.

33
00:01:24,916 --> 00:01:27,500
[man] It's like a gleaming sign
on your chest

34
00:01:27,583 --> 00:01:31,375
that says,
"I have disposable income to burn."

35
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:33,291
I've always wanted a brooch.

36
00:01:33,375 --> 00:01:36,416
I just don't think
I knew it until right now.

37
00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:40,208
What a worthless piece of shite
for rich, spoiled bitches.

38
00:01:40,291 --> 00:01:42,833
Mommy, Daddy, can I get an Apple Brooch?

39
00:01:42,916 --> 00:01:45,541
Of course. I'm sorry you even had to ask.

40
00:01:45,625 --> 00:01:48,041
-Absolutely not.
-Excuse me?!

41
00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:50,583
I told you not to dig
into your father's past.

42
00:01:50,666 --> 00:01:52,083
And here we are.

43
00:01:52,166 --> 00:01:54,208
Consequences for your actions.

44
00:01:54,291 --> 00:01:56,541
But I want an Apple Brooch!

45
00:01:56,625 --> 00:01:58,416
We needs it.

46
00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,958
-I said no, and that's final.
-[groans]

47
00:02:01,041 --> 00:02:03,333
Uh, I think something's wrong
with your mom.

48
00:02:03,416 --> 00:02:05,625
Maybe you should try restarting her.

49
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,458
She's busted, baby.

50
00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:15,458
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

51
00:02:19,291 --> 00:02:24,833
{\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪

52
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,541
{\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪

53
00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,250
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪

54
00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:45,291
Jessi, I can't believe
you're gonna leave me alone with your dad.

55
00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:47,583
{\an8}Will you please text me
every stupid little thing he says?

56
00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:49,333
{\an8}You got it, girl. [chuckles]

57
00:02:49,416 --> 00:02:50,541
{\an8}I like Caitlin.

58
00:02:50,625 --> 00:02:53,416
{\an8}She's who I'd wanna be
if none of my dreams came true.

59
00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:54,833
So, when I'm eating peanuts,

60
00:02:54,916 --> 00:02:56,958
it's kinda like I'm making peanut butter
in my mouth.

61
00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:58,750
-Uh-huh.
-But I don't feel that way

62
00:02:58,833 --> 00:03:00,791
-about jelly when I'm eating grapes.
-[phone dings]

63
00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:02,833
-You know what I mean?
-[chuckles] Oh my God.

64
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:06,125
[chuckles]
What's, uh... What's so funny? What's funny?

65
00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:09,458
Oh, um, nothing. Just a...
Just a text Caitlin sent me.

66
00:03:09,541 --> 00:03:12,875
Oh, fun. You guys have inside jokes.
That's fun.

67
00:03:12,958 --> 00:03:14,458
Uh, but we should get going, Jess.

68
00:03:14,541 --> 00:03:16,291
I've been saving The Bachelor,

69
00:03:16,375 --> 00:03:20,083
and I think Ashley S.
is finally on her way out.

70
00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:22,916
Ooh, you know what?
It's actually Ashley R.

71
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,041
I watched it with Caitlin.

72
00:03:24,125 --> 00:03:28,666
Oh, you watched it without me,
and you spoiled it for me. That's fun too.

73
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:29,916
Hey, hey, hey, Shannon?

74
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,916
-Uh, regarding the Jessi bucks...
-You mean the child support check?

75
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,208
Yeah, the Jessi bucks.

76
00:03:35,291 --> 00:03:37,291
-Could I get cash instead?
-[sighs]

77
00:03:37,375 --> 00:03:40,083
Whoa! Shannon got that paper.

78
00:03:40,166 --> 00:03:42,416
Wow, I didn't realize
my mom had so much money.

79
00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:43,750
Well, she needs it.

80
00:03:43,833 --> 00:03:46,250
You gotta be either rich or hot.

81
00:03:46,333 --> 00:03:49,791
And we both know Shannon
is just softball league hot.

82
00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:51,833
[Barbara] Sweetie, I'm sorry.

83
00:03:51,916 --> 00:03:53,916
I can't be around your father right now.

84
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,583
I just need a couple of days.

85
00:03:55,666 --> 00:03:58,625
Okay. I'll say "hi" to Dad for you.

86
00:03:58,708 --> 00:04:00,750
Please don't. But I love you.

87
00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:02,583
Oh, I'm sorry, Andrew.

88
00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:04,875
But you know
what will make you feel much better?

89
00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:06,000
My mom coming home?

90
00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:09,166
Oh no. I meant something
that's actually gonna happen.

91
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,541
-[dance music plays]
-Uh-oh!

92
00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:13,750
A Montel fashion show.

93
00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:15,416
The suit is by Gucci,

94
00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,333
the kicks, Balenciaga,

95
00:04:17,416 --> 00:04:20,583
and of course,
the season's hottest accessory,

96
00:04:20,666 --> 00:04:22,750
the Apple Brooch.

97
00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:24,791
Do I look fucking rich or what?

98
00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:28,250
Hold on. You spent $800
on a brooch for a baby?

99
00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:30,666
Well, first of all,
Montel's a toddler now.

100
00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:32,500
Hormone monsters age very rapidly.

101
00:04:32,583 --> 00:04:35,000
Oh, so they won't be a baby
for the whole season?

102
00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:36,958
-Ugh, God, no.
-That's good.

103
00:04:37,041 --> 00:04:39,958
-I hate it when shows add a baby.
-Yeah, right?

104
00:04:40,041 --> 00:04:43,041
Okay, but what does a toddler
even use an Apple Brooch for?

105
00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:44,583
It's not about using it.

106
00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:47,541
It's about having it,
you pear-shaped peasant.

107
00:04:47,625 --> 00:04:51,500
Montel, be nice.
His mommy doesn't love him anymore.

108
00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:53,875
Ooh, maybe I should save up
and get my own.

109
00:04:53,958 --> 00:04:57,750
I mean, it is allowance day,
and I have no concept of money, so...

110
00:04:57,833 --> 00:04:58,791
Allowance?

111
00:04:58,875 --> 00:05:02,541
What have you ever done to deserve
one red cent of my green money?

112
00:05:02,625 --> 00:05:04,458
Well, Mom usually just gives me...

113
00:05:04,541 --> 00:05:05,625
Gives!? [laughs]

114
00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:08,208
If you want money from me,
you're gonna have to work for it.

115
00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,875
-What kind of work?
-Sex work?

116
00:05:09,958 --> 00:05:12,750
-Menial labor. Back-breaking chores.
-[groans]

117
00:05:12,833 --> 00:05:15,333
-But you'll pay me?
-Very, very little.

118
00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,333
Now start by scrubbing the bathrooms.

119
00:05:17,416 --> 00:05:19,833
Your mother used to do that,
but she abandoned us.

120
00:05:19,916 --> 00:05:21,500
So you're my wife now.

121
00:05:21,583 --> 00:05:25,791
{\an8}Okay, so each hygiene kit
gets a toothbrush, check,

122
00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:27,958
a pair of socks, got it,

123
00:05:28,041 --> 00:05:30,625
and a box of collagen, flat-tummy tea?

124
00:05:30,708 --> 00:05:31,750
Yeah. [chuckles]

125
00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:34,083
Pastor Luke
is a personal trainer in his free time.

126
00:05:34,166 --> 00:05:35,625
Well, it still feels good to help.

127
00:05:35,708 --> 00:05:37,833
Some people have so little
and we have so much.

128
00:05:37,916 --> 00:05:40,416
Oh, please, what do you have?

129
00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:44,458
You don't have Elijah's dick, his ass,
or even his tongue in your mouth.

130
00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:46,333
You, my dear, are sex poor.

131
00:05:46,416 --> 00:05:49,500
Mona, you know we decided to take it slow.

132
00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:53,416
We don't want to take it slow.
We just want to take it.

133
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:57,250
I don't know. I think taking our time
could actually be sexy.

134
00:05:57,333 --> 00:06:01,291
All the anticipation and sexual tension.

135
00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:04,166
Ooh, like in Bridgerton.

136
00:06:04,250 --> 00:06:06,125
[classical music plays]

137
00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,208
My lady, would thee care
to do an elaborate dance

138
00:06:10,291 --> 00:06:12,916
that the entire ballroom
somehow knows by heart?

139
00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,500
Yeah, but not with you.

140
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:17,416
I heard you're broke as fuck,
Prince Fatass.

141
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,416
Miss Foreman-Greenwald,
you look so radiant this evening.

142
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:24,916
It makes me want to ride my horse
shirtless through the mist.

143
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,041
[chuckles] Ooh.

144
00:06:26,125 --> 00:06:28,416
You flatter me, Duke Majorhunk.

145
00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:31,791
Have you come to ask me to dance,
palm to palm?

146
00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:34,208
Alas, I cannot dance with you.

147
00:06:34,291 --> 00:06:36,500
I'm joining the priesthood
in but a fortnight,

148
00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:38,625
and it would be improper.

149
00:06:38,708 --> 00:06:39,666
Oh, of course.

150
00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:43,208
[gasps] Oh, full English breakfast,
I dropped my glove.

151
00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:45,458
Oh no, please allow me, my lady.

152
00:06:45,541 --> 00:06:48,750
Lest our fingers touch sensually.

153
00:06:48,833 --> 00:06:53,291
[Missy] Oh yes. Oh, caress my bare hand
in an untoward way.

154
00:06:53,375 --> 00:06:56,708
[Elijah] Indeed, so bare, and so untoward.

155
00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,666
Holy shit, this is hot.

156
00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,500
Quick. Let's go home and rub one out.

157
00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:03,875
Missy, are you okay?

158
00:07:03,958 --> 00:07:06,458
'Cause you closed your eyes
and did a pretty elaborate dance.

159
00:07:06,541 --> 00:07:08,541
Yeah. I, um...

160
00:07:09,208 --> 00:07:10,041
Gotta go.

161
00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,416
So, Jess,

162
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,000
before you go,
I got you a little something.

163
00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:18,000
-Really?
-It's an Apple Brooch. Ah!

164
00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:21,583
Wow. Thank you, Mom.
This is so... expensive.

165
00:07:21,666 --> 00:07:23,583
Please, don't worry about the price,

166
00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:26,458
which was $800, not including tax.

167
00:07:26,541 --> 00:07:28,833
I just wanted to show you
how much I love you.

168
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:32,916
I don't know, Connie. Am I really
an Apple Brooch kind of girl?

169
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000
Oh, Jessi, brilliant Jessi.
Of course, you are.

170
00:07:36,083 --> 00:07:37,875
You're so hip. You're modern.

171
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,000
And look at you. You're on Netflix.

172
00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:42,125
You're streaming in 27 languages.

173
00:07:42,208 --> 00:07:44,041
Oh, obrigada.

174
00:07:44,125 --> 00:07:47,333
Jessi, I have seen my soul in that brooch.

175
00:07:47,416 --> 00:07:50,250
-Yeah.
-And it is rich as fuck.

176
00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:54,083
Wow, Mom, thank you.
You're... You're, like, the coolest.

177
00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:58,166
Some might even say
cooler than Caitlin. Right?

178
00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:02,500
-[all gasp]
-What is that?

179
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,291
Jessi got an Apple Brooch.

180
00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:06,958
No shit, Caleb. [weeps]

181
00:08:07,041 --> 00:08:09,750
Oh my God. Is everyone,
like, obsessed with me?

182
00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:12,375
{\an8}Yes, of course, they are.
I mean, how could they not be?

183
00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:16,458
-Quite the brooch, Jessi.
-Ooh, now we know. Jessi's rich.

184
00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:20,375
I'm looking at her boobs,
and I'm totally getting away with it.

185
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:23,583
Holy shit, Jessi. We are hallway royalty.

186
00:08:23,666 --> 00:08:24,916
You're like Meghan Morkle.

187
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,041
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Markle.

188
00:08:27,125 --> 00:08:29,750
That's what I said.
Meghan Morkle from Soups.

189
00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:31,708
-[Montel] Connie Mommy, Connie Mommy.
-Montel.

190
00:08:31,791 --> 00:08:33,458
-Up, up, up.
-Wait a minute.

191
00:08:33,541 --> 00:08:35,291
How'd you get an Apple Brooch?

192
00:08:35,375 --> 00:08:37,458
Daddy bought it for me 'cause he loves me.

193
00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:39,333
Maury, this is crazy.

194
00:08:39,416 --> 00:08:42,250
A toddler doesn't need
an expensive, high-tech brooch.

195
00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:46,125
Connie, relax. It's just credit cards.
It's not real money.

196
00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:47,666
-Hey, Nick.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

197
00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:49,583
How did you get an Apple Brooch?

198
00:08:49,666 --> 00:08:51,375
Spoils of divorce, Nick.

199
00:08:51,458 --> 00:08:55,916
-Maybe you should break your parents up.
-It really is so, so unfair, Nick.

200
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,416
I mean, your mom
should just buy you one of me.

201
00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,375
Wait. How do you know about my bitch mom?

202
00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,666
I know everything. I'm the Apple Brooch.

203
00:09:03,750 --> 00:09:04,916
You sure are.

204
00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,125
The ultimate symbol of fuckability.

205
00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:08,333
I must have you.

206
00:09:08,416 --> 00:09:09,250
Yes, Nick.

207
00:09:09,333 --> 00:09:14,000
I'm gonna make you the sexiest little boy
in all of Bridgeton.

208
00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:18,500
I'm gonna fuck that brooch
if it's the first thing I do.

209
00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:20,083
OMG, you guys.

210
00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:24,333
Lady Pussysqueak says
I looked absolutely immaculate

211
00:09:24,416 --> 00:09:25,541
at the ball last night.

212
00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:27,583
I wonder who she is? [chuckles]

213
00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:28,875
-Definitely not me.
-[scoffs]

214
00:09:28,958 --> 00:09:30,708
Who cares about Lady Pussysqueak?

215
00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:32,916
Everyone cares deeply.

216
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,000
Yet her identity
remains very much unknown.

217
00:09:36,083 --> 00:09:38,208
Well, I care about books,

218
00:09:38,291 --> 00:09:41,125
women going to college,
and wearing very high collars.

219
00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:45,750
Missy, get it together.
Duke Majorhunk is eating custard.

220
00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:49,333
Oh, yeah, he's really going to town
on that spoon.

221
00:09:49,416 --> 00:09:51,791
And now he's going after the bowl.

222
00:09:51,875 --> 00:09:53,666
[Missy] Oh, that's so much dairy.

223
00:09:53,750 --> 00:09:55,416
Do you think he's gonna get sick tonight?

224
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:56,708
Oh, I don't know,

225
00:09:56,791 --> 00:09:59,375
but it looks like
he spilled some on the table.

226
00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:02,958
Oh, yeah, eat it,
you nasty little termite.

227
00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:04,625
-Ooh.
-Good God.

228
00:10:04,708 --> 00:10:08,958
Elijah didn't even have to touch you
to send you all the way to Shondaland.

229
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:11,250
I told you taking it slow could be hot.

230
00:10:11,333 --> 00:10:12,500
Damn right.

231
00:10:12,583 --> 00:10:17,000
So, Missy, who do you think
Lady Pussysqueak really is?

232
00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,458
It's... It's totally Lola.

233
00:10:18,541 --> 00:10:20,000
No, no, no, no. Keep wanking.

234
00:10:20,083 --> 00:10:22,375
We need to go back and investigate.

235
00:10:22,458 --> 00:10:23,750
All right.

236
00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:25,083
Ooh! Ooh!

237
00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,166
Hey, Dad. How you holding up?

238
00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:31,208
Not good, Nicky.
Your grandpa won't stop eating asparagus.

239
00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:33,458
Yeah, it's been stressful for all of us.

240
00:10:33,541 --> 00:10:37,083
I'm actually a little bit worried
that my self-esteem is suffering.

241
00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:38,833
[gasps] Your self-esteem?

242
00:10:38,916 --> 00:10:41,791
Yeah, and Jessi got
an Apple Brooch at school,

243
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,791
and she made me feel like...
like I don't have one.

244
00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:45,791
Oh no.

245
00:10:45,875 --> 00:10:47,708
But no. You know what? Mom is right.

246
00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:50,083
I don't deserve it. I'm a bad boy.

247
00:10:50,166 --> 00:10:51,541
Nicky, bite your tongue.

248
00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:54,666
I'm gutter trash. I stink.
Pee-yew, you know?

249
00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:56,916
You stop that. You smell lovely.

250
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,208
Now here, take my credit card
and go buy yourself an Apple Brooch.

251
00:11:00,291 --> 00:11:01,708
But, Dad, what about Mom?

252
00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:04,916
I mean, we'd have to keep this a secret
from her as long as we live, right?

253
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,625
Yes. I'll just do what I do
with all my secrets.

254
00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:10,583
Whisper it into the open body cavity
of one of my patients

255
00:11:10,666 --> 00:11:12,583
and then sew it right back up.

256
00:11:13,208 --> 00:11:14,458
[Marty] All right, Andrew.

257
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:17,833
I used to hear scratching,
but now there's just a terrible odor.

258
00:11:17,916 --> 00:11:19,750
So whatever's under there must be dead.

259
00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:23,250
And you're sure you don't wanna call
a professional exterminator?

260
00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:25,041
Hey, you want the three bucks or not?

261
00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:27,833
I don't know about this, Maury.
It looks pretty scary under there.

262
00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:29,916
But if you're ever
gonna afford nice things,

263
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,958
you need to degrade yourself
with back-breaking labor.

264
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:34,708
That's capitalism.

265
00:11:34,791 --> 00:11:38,583
Uh... Okay, Dad? I'm not seeing anything.

266
00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:40,458
It does smell pretty bad.

267
00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:43,541
[Marty] You're not getting paid
unless you bring me a corpse.

268
00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:44,875
Ugh, wait! Wait a second.

269
00:11:44,958 --> 00:11:46,250
I see something.

270
00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:48,250
Yep, it's a dead possum.

271
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,000
Yeah, it reeks pretty bad.
Must've been down here for a...

272
00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:52,041
[hisses]

273
00:11:52,125 --> 00:11:53,375
[screams] It's alive.

274
00:11:53,458 --> 00:11:54,833
It just smells dead.

275
00:11:54,916 --> 00:11:57,333
[screams] It's scratching my face.

276
00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:58,750
Oh no, it got into my shirt.

277
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:01,250
Ooh, the possum has the upper hand.

278
00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:03,333
It's the possum's shirt now.

279
00:12:03,416 --> 00:12:06,000
All right, whoever wins is my true son.

280
00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:08,375
-I'll see one of you at dinner.
-[Andrew screams]

281
00:12:08,958 --> 00:12:11,416
So, the bananas were
in the crate labeled avocados.

282
00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,416
And I was like, "I have a feeling
I know where the avocados are."

283
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,083
And I'm sorry, you said
you thought this could be a movie?

284
00:12:17,166 --> 00:12:19,958
Whoa, rad tech alert.
Is that the new Apple Brooch?

285
00:12:20,041 --> 00:12:21,458
-Pretty sweet, right?
-Totally.

286
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,625
Oh my God, Caitlin, you should get one.

287
00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:26,375
Yeah. I don't think
that's exactly within our budget.

288
00:12:26,458 --> 00:12:28,250
Oh man, I'm sorry. Of course.

289
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:33,750
I forgot you guys were poor...ly funded
in the money department?

290
00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:35,000
No worries, no worries.

291
00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:38,583
For you, I mean.
We actually do worry about money a lot.

292
00:12:38,666 --> 00:12:42,000
[scoffs] Why did I say that?
I sound like such a spoiled brat.

293
00:12:42,083 --> 00:12:43,500
Oh, no, Jessi, Jessi.

294
00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:45,750
Sweet, intelligent, wealthy Jessi.

295
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:49,625
You're just better than other people
because you have me.

296
00:12:49,708 --> 00:12:50,958
Oh, I know.

297
00:12:51,041 --> 00:12:54,750
Let's order Nobu to our room
and not share.

298
00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,916
Ooh, I hate how good that sounds.

299
00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,416
Rock shrimp.

300
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,041
Wow, the Apple Store.

301
00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:03,333
You know, Steve Jobs was a psychotic,

302
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:06,583
but if screaming at everybody built this,
I applaud him.

303
00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:09,416
Hello? Excuse me?
Child with a credit card.

304
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,458
Hey. Mr. Birch, welcome back.

305
00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:14,666
Yum, yum, yum.
Look at all these innovative products

306
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:18,250
that do roughly the same thing
but in different shapes and sizes.

307
00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:21,291
Ooh, but, Andrew,
I'm the hot new status symbol.

308
00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:23,708
Think of your status.
Don't you want status? Status...

309
00:13:23,791 --> 00:13:25,416
Oh, I need you, Brooch.

310
00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,958
Without you,
I'm just a got-nothing hillbilly.

311
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:31,791
Oh yeah, baby. And imagine walking around
with me pinned to your shirt.

312
00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:35,875
Nobody will make direct eye contact
with you ever, ever again.

313
00:13:35,958 --> 00:13:38,791
'Cause they're all gonna be staring
at your chest, baby.

314
00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,625
I'll finally know
what it feels like to be a woman.

315
00:13:41,708 --> 00:13:43,791
Andrew, uh, do you have $10,000?

316
00:13:43,875 --> 00:13:47,666
I have $4 and a loose Listerine strip.

317
00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:50,291
Oh God, I tried to buy
an extra Lightning cable,

318
00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:51,916
and they cut up all my credit cards.

319
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,916
Apparently, I owe
all these companies actual money.

320
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,291
Hey, Andrew, what do you think?

321
00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:58,958
Do I look like
the absolute height of fuckability?

322
00:13:59,041 --> 00:14:00,958
Ah, shit, he does.

323
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:04,000
That cocky little fuckable bastard.

324
00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:05,000
Hey.

325
00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:08,958
{\an8}Great work this week, Missy.
You've really made Jesus proud.

326
00:14:09,041 --> 00:14:11,708
Well, Jesus better watch out,
because that's {\an8}my girl.

327
00:14:11,791 --> 00:14:16,083
[chuckles] Yeah, watch out, JC.
Elijah'll mess you up.

328
00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:18,000
I'm just kidding. You have free will.

329
00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:20,666
If you really wanted to get with Jesus,
I don't own you, girl.

330
00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:23,208
Aw, that's really respectful
of my autonomy.

331
00:14:23,291 --> 00:14:25,166
Yeah, yeah. But should we go home

332
00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:28,875
and think of new surfaces
for Duke Majorhunk to lick?

333
00:14:28,958 --> 00:14:29,958
Okay, gang.

334
00:14:30,041 --> 00:14:34,208
Today was a great example
of idle hands doing God's work

335
00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,583
instead of the devil's work.

336
00:14:36,666 --> 00:14:38,208
So before we leave,

337
00:14:38,291 --> 00:14:41,458
let's all sing
the "Don't Touch Your Flower" song.

338
00:14:41,541 --> 00:14:43,125
Oh, I don't think I know that one.

339
00:14:43,208 --> 00:14:46,500
♪ Don't touch your flower ♪

340
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,083
♪ Don't touch your flower ♪

341
00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:53,666
♪ Never, ever spill your seed... ♪

342
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,083
I'm so sorry. What is this song about?

343
00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:57,291
It doesn't even rhyme.

344
00:14:57,375 --> 00:15:00,750
Oh, it's about how
you should never travel alone

345
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,458
to the southern hemisphere.

346
00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:03,583
Because of Zika?

347
00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:08,916
No, it's about how you shouldn't,
uh, you know, touch yourself?

348
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,708
Oh, oh, right. Of course. Because of Zika?

349
00:15:12,791 --> 00:15:16,291
Well, no, because it's... it's a sin, right?

350
00:15:16,375 --> 00:15:18,833
I mean, it's the exact opposite
of self-control.

351
00:15:18,916 --> 00:15:21,708
Oh. Right. Duh. Self-control.

352
00:15:21,791 --> 00:15:24,250
Mona, am I an out-of-control masturbator?

353
00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:28,083
Absolutely.
It's the only thing I like about you.

354
00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:29,000
[sighs]

355
00:15:30,041 --> 00:15:32,166
[sighs] Stop right there.

356
00:15:32,250 --> 00:15:34,500
I know what's in
your twisted red-headed noggin,

357
00:15:34,583 --> 00:15:37,041
and you cannot give away that brooch.

358
00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:40,583
But I don't want it anymore.
It feels weird to me.

359
00:15:40,666 --> 00:15:42,958
And I don't need material things
to be cool.

360
00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:46,041
Oh, baby, you're not hot enough
to say stuff like that.

361
00:15:46,125 --> 00:15:48,500
Hey, Caitlin, I've been thinking about it,

362
00:15:48,583 --> 00:15:51,458
and I really want you
to have my Apple Brooch.

363
00:15:51,541 --> 00:15:54,875
Oh, wow, Jessi, that is so sweet of you,

364
00:15:54,958 --> 00:15:56,875
but you know I can't accept this.

365
00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:59,208
What if you just borrowed it
until the baby comes?

366
00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,375
You could use it
to time your contractions.

367
00:16:01,458 --> 00:16:03,375
You could even watch that show
on Paramount Plus

368
00:16:03,458 --> 00:16:05,166
about the wheel of cheese who's a lawyer.

369
00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,125
-Oh, my God, The Gouda Wife?
-Yeah.

370
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:10,125
Oh, Caitlin, you're so much more
than a cheese girl.

371
00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:13,291
You are a Dairy Queen, my darling.

372
00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,166
And you deserve me.

373
00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,750
Okay. But just to borrow.

374
00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:22,375
[sighs] Well, Jessi, you were cool
for about, mm, 18 hours?

375
00:16:22,458 --> 00:16:25,291
I guess we're gonna go read
a fucking book now.

376
00:16:26,375 --> 00:16:27,375
[dings]

377
00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:28,583
Hey, Rick, check it out.

378
00:16:28,666 --> 00:16:30,875
I just ordered a pretzel
on my Apple Brooch.

379
00:16:30,958 --> 00:16:35,000
Wow, so many apps.
Can I please fucks it now?

380
00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:37,541
Rick, it's never gonna happen.
The brooch is out of your league.

381
00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:38,916
Yeah, I know.

382
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,291
Hey, Andrew, you want a pretzel?

383
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:44,208
Nick, I can't afford braided bread
with salt on it. I'm destitute.

384
00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:47,458
Well, just give me what you have,
and I'll put the rest on my Brooch bucks.

385
00:16:47,541 --> 00:16:48,500
Oh, um...

386
00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:51,125
Okay. You don't want
the Listerine strip, do you?

387
00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:52,666
No, I'll take it.

388
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:56,416
If you ask me, Nick, you know what he is?
He's a spoiled brat.

389
00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:57,916
-Yeah.
-And you know what you are?

390
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,666
A working-class hero.

391
00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:01,666
I am New Jersey strong.

392
00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:04,833
And you deserve me
so much more than he does.

393
00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:07,333
Yes, you should be mine.

394
00:17:07,416 --> 00:17:09,500
You shall be mine.

395
00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,458
[laughs evilly]

396
00:17:11,541 --> 00:17:12,500
Yeah.

397
00:17:12,583 --> 00:17:13,666
[Mona] Okay, Missy.

398
00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:17,541
If jerking off were a sin,
why would God make it feel so good?

399
00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:20,125
Well, it does feel hecking good.

400
00:17:20,208 --> 00:17:23,291
And you're already right here
in your wanking chamber.

401
00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,541
Do you mean my bedroom?

402
00:17:24,625 --> 00:17:25,833
I didn't want to do this,

403
00:17:25,916 --> 00:17:29,166
but if you don't touch yourself,
they'll revoke my work visa.

404
00:17:29,250 --> 00:17:30,125
Oh my gosh.

405
00:17:30,208 --> 00:17:34,708
So please, Missy,
go digging in your garden... for me.

406
00:17:34,791 --> 00:17:38,208
Okay. For your work visa.

407
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,708
[classical music plays]

408
00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:43,958
Oh, Duke Majorhunk.
What are you doing here?

409
00:17:44,041 --> 00:17:46,250
Just licking some flowers.

410
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:47,375
-Mm.
-[Missy] Ooh.

411
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:49,958
But I thought we weren't even
supposed to touch flowers.

412
00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:51,750
I can't help myself.

413
00:17:51,833 --> 00:17:55,250
I have but one night
until I take my priestly vows,

414
00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:57,083
and I wish to spend it with you.

415
00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:59,416
Good Duke, I ain't mad at that.

416
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,666
-[Missy] Mm.
-[Lola] Gasp.

417
00:18:01,750 --> 00:18:03,500
Absolutely scandalous.

418
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,458
Everyone's gonna know about this,
or my name isn't Lady Pussysqueak,

419
00:18:07,541 --> 00:18:08,375
which it isn't.

420
00:18:08,458 --> 00:18:09,625
-[squeaking]
-That wasn't me.

421
00:18:11,083 --> 00:18:13,333
-No, I'm... I'm sorry. I can't do this.
-Oh!

422
00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:15,125
It's a sin against God.

423
00:18:15,208 --> 00:18:18,958
Uh, oh, maybe if you
just licked the flowers again?

424
00:18:19,041 --> 00:18:21,041
No, it's all been ruined.

425
00:18:21,125 --> 00:18:22,791
You ruined it.

426
00:18:22,875 --> 00:18:24,291
I must make haste.

427
00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,625
No, no haste.

428
00:18:25,708 --> 00:18:26,666
Make stay.

429
00:18:26,750 --> 00:18:28,166
Make stay.

430
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,333
What the fuck was that?

431
00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:32,875
I'm sorry, Mona,
but I just can't masturbate anymore.

432
00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:36,125
But we still don't know
who Lady Pussysqueak is.

433
00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:39,583
-It's Lola. It's obviously Lola.
-Mm.

434
00:18:39,666 --> 00:18:40,916
-[bell rings]
-[Jay] Shit, Nick.

435
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,541
You got the Apple Brooch?

436
00:18:42,625 --> 00:18:45,333
Oh, and I see you kinda got one too?

437
00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:46,375
Oh no.

438
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:49,625
Mine's a first-generation iPod shuffle
that I found at a thrift store.

439
00:18:49,708 --> 00:18:51,041
Glued it to my shirt. [chuckles]

440
00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:54,375
A Venmo request from Nick for $8?
What the fuck is this?

441
00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:57,291
Eight dollars? But we have nothing.

442
00:18:57,375 --> 00:18:59,916
Hey, hey, Bernie Madoff.
What's this request for?

443
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,083
Oh, the pretzel? You know, from the mall.

444
00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:04,000
-No rush.
-I thought you were paying for them.

445
00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:07,458
Why would I buy my friend a pretzel?
I'm not, like, trying to fuck you.

446
00:19:07,541 --> 00:19:09,083
It's not even your money.

447
00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:11,750
It's your dad's credit card.
It's inherited wealth.

448
00:19:11,833 --> 00:19:16,083
So, wait. Because my family has money,
I should buy things for you?

449
00:19:16,166 --> 00:19:18,083
Yes. Subsidize me, Nick.

450
00:19:18,166 --> 00:19:19,750
Yeah, yeah. You gotta earn it yourself.

451
00:19:19,833 --> 00:19:22,916
Pull yourself up. Grab the, you know,
the bootstraps or whatever, all right?

452
00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,666
-I gotta go.
-I was attacked by a possum.

453
00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:27,291
Underneath a house.

454
00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,250
[screams]

455
00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:33,083
Look at him
absolutely rimming that spoon, Missy.

456
00:19:33,166 --> 00:19:34,083
Mona, please.

457
00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:35,125
That could be you,

458
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:39,375
getting bathed by his tongue
like a dirty little kitty cat.

459
00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:40,833
-[snarls]
-Oh!

460
00:19:40,916 --> 00:19:43,166
Would you just eat like a normal person?

461
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,208
-Missy, are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, man.

462
00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:48,166
-You were really working that spoon.
-I could eat it with my fingers.

463
00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:51,291
No, that's even worse. You might as well
smear it all over your chest.

464
00:19:51,375 --> 00:19:52,833
What is going on?

465
00:19:52,916 --> 00:19:54,625
I'm a sinner, okay?

466
00:19:54,708 --> 00:19:58,666
I... I tended my garden.
I tended it hard, Elijah.

467
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:01,750
I tilled the soil. I rotated the crops.

468
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:04,208
-I dug deep with my hoe.
-Oh.

469
00:20:04,291 --> 00:20:07,000
And now that you know
I'm such a constant gardener,

470
00:20:07,083 --> 00:20:09,166
you probably don't even wanna hang out
with me anymore.

471
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:12,291
Just to make it clear,
we're not talking about gardening, right?

472
00:20:12,375 --> 00:20:15,750
No. I'm an out-of-control masturbator.

473
00:20:15,833 --> 00:20:19,791
How do you do it, Elijah?
You know, keep your seed in your bag?

474
00:20:19,875 --> 00:20:21,875
I don't know. I just do.

475
00:20:21,958 --> 00:20:24,208
It's not hard for me.
Does that make me weird?

476
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,083
No. Why would you think that?

477
00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:29,500
Well, it just feels like everybody
around here is obsessed with gardening.

478
00:20:29,583 --> 00:20:31,875
I mean, what am I even doing on this show?

479
00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:35,541
Well, I don't know,
but I'm glad you're here.

480
00:20:35,625 --> 00:20:37,583
And I don't think you're weird at all.

481
00:20:37,666 --> 00:20:41,750
You're perfect and wonderful,
exactly the way God made you.

482
00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:43,625
Okay. So by that logic,

483
00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:48,208
you're also perfect and wonderful,
exactly the way God made you.

484
00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:50,458
[giggles] Elijah.

485
00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:54,000
And I certainly won't judge you
for having a... green thumb.

486
00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:57,875
Oh, um, I don't really use my thumb a lot
just 'cause, like, the angle's kind of...

487
00:20:57,958 --> 00:21:00,166
Honestly... You know what, actually?
Thank you.

488
00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:02,916
Holy shit, Missy,
is he saying it's okay to masturbate?

489
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,458
I think he is.

490
00:21:04,541 --> 00:21:09,291
Great, because I have ideas
on how we can incorporate your thumb.

491
00:21:09,375 --> 00:21:12,000
Uh, I, uh... I gotta go.

492
00:21:12,541 --> 00:21:14,291
[sinister music plays]

493
00:21:15,625 --> 00:21:16,625
[Andrew] Hey, kid.

494
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:19,083
We don't know each other.
Give me the brooch.

495
00:21:19,166 --> 00:21:21,500
Ah! Andrew, what the fuck are you doing?

496
00:21:21,583 --> 00:21:23,666
Give him the fucking brooch.

497
00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,666
Fuck yeah.

498
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:27,041
Just hand it over, you fat-lipped fuck.

499
00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:30,083
Andrew, buddy. Let's just relax, okay?

500
00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:32,708
Easy for you to say, rich boy.

501
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,791
You got a brooch. You got a pool.

502
00:21:34,875 --> 00:21:37,583
-You got a hot mom that didn't leave.
-Ew.

503
00:21:37,666 --> 00:21:39,708
Just give me the fucking brooch.

504
00:21:39,791 --> 00:21:42,708
Jesus, keep it down.
My mom can't know about it.

505
00:21:42,791 --> 00:21:44,375
-Kill him.
-Hyah!

506
00:21:44,458 --> 00:21:46,083
Holy shit.

507
00:21:46,166 --> 00:21:47,416
[grunting]

508
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:49,375
Yes, yes. Fight over me.

509
00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:53,041
This is capitalism. You reap what you sow.

510
00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:55,916
Quick, Montel, raid the closet.
Take everything.

511
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,958
Nah, this guy dresses like shit.

512
00:21:58,041 --> 00:21:59,916
Rick, help. What the hell are you doing?

513
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:00,958
Fuck you, man.

514
00:22:01,041 --> 00:22:05,583
Opportunity knocked, and I answered, baby.
Hello, it's me, Rick. What's happening?

515
00:22:05,666 --> 00:22:07,291
What the heck is going on up here?

516
00:22:07,375 --> 00:22:10,083
Daddy, he's trying to steal
my Apple Brooch.

517
00:22:10,166 --> 00:22:11,000
What brooch?

518
00:22:11,083 --> 00:22:13,041
-Oh shit.
-Ooh, I'm in trouble.

519
00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:15,083
Sorry, Nick, you're on your own.

520
00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:16,041
[chuckles]

521
00:22:16,125 --> 00:22:16,958
[grunts]

522
00:22:17,041 --> 00:22:20,166
Okay, window. You got me.

523
00:22:20,250 --> 00:22:22,333
Hey, honey, can we get outta here?

524
00:22:22,416 --> 00:22:24,625
This apartment reminds me of my twenties.

525
00:22:24,708 --> 00:22:26,166
Yep. Let me just grab my bag.

526
00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:28,958
-Oh, and don't forget your Apple Brooch.
-Oh.

527
00:22:29,041 --> 00:22:30,000
Hey, Shannon. what's up?

528
00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:32,791
I was about to crack open a coconut.
Do you want some meat or milk?

529
00:22:32,875 --> 00:22:34,166
No, I'm good.

530
00:22:34,250 --> 00:22:37,416
Did you, uh...
Did you get an Apple Brooch too?

531
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:39,166
-Oh shit.
-Um, no.

532
00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:40,625
Jessi just let me borrow hers.

533
00:22:40,708 --> 00:22:42,333
Just until the baby comes.

534
00:22:42,416 --> 00:22:44,458
Oh, great. You gave it to Caitlin.

535
00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:47,333
It's almost like I bought it for her.

536
00:22:47,416 --> 00:22:49,791
-You know what? It's my bad.
-Don't give it to me.

537
00:22:49,875 --> 00:22:51,791
-I shouldn't have taken it.
-It's Jessi's.

538
00:22:51,875 --> 00:22:53,750
If it's mine,
then I want Caitlin to have it.

539
00:22:53,833 --> 00:22:57,708
-No!
-I bought it for you, Jessi. It's yours.

540
00:22:57,791 --> 00:22:59,208
Well, I don't want it anymore.

541
00:22:59,291 --> 00:23:02,833
-Maybe the coconut should have it?
-I'll take it if coconut doesn't want it.

542
00:23:02,916 --> 00:23:05,500
It's Jessi's! The brooch is Jessi's!

543
00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:07,500
I bought it for her, okay?

544
00:23:07,583 --> 00:23:12,000
Not for you, not for you,
and certainly not for the coconut!

545
00:23:12,083 --> 00:23:14,416
Mom, why are you freaking out?

546
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:18,375
Because I...
I wanted to watch The Bachelor with you.

547
00:23:18,458 --> 00:23:20,000
That was our thing.

548
00:23:20,083 --> 00:23:21,416
We talk shit about the women,

549
00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:25,000
and then worry it isn't feminist of us
to talk shit about the women.

550
00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,083
-Oh.
-Damn.

551
00:23:26,166 --> 00:23:28,916
I hate it when your mom
has feelings like a person.

552
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,916
Ugh, that fucking brooch.

553
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,375
I'm so sorry.
I never meant to steal your thing.

554
00:23:34,458 --> 00:23:36,125
I'm really sorry too, Mom.

555
00:23:36,208 --> 00:23:38,750
I didn't realize
you were giving me the brooch

556
00:23:38,833 --> 00:23:42,250
-so I'd want to hang out with you more.
-No, that's... That's not...

557
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:45,166
What I mean is, I love you.

558
00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:47,666
And I wanna hang out with you
no matter what.

559
00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:48,916
Wow, Jessi.

560
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,125
That is so sweet of you
to lie to your mom.

561
00:23:53,208 --> 00:23:55,791
You know what?
You should keep the brooch, Caitlin.

562
00:23:55,875 --> 00:23:57,833
It's just a thing. It's not love.

563
00:23:57,916 --> 00:24:01,625
Oh, Shannon, you magnificent lady boss.

564
00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:05,083
If anybody deserves an Apple Brooch,
oh, baby, it's you.

565
00:24:05,166 --> 00:24:09,333
Yeah. I'll get one in rose gold
so it's nicer than Caitlin's.

566
00:24:09,416 --> 00:24:10,333
[Apple Brooch] Yes.

567
00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:11,500
[laughs evilly]

568
00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:15,541
Andrew, you do not come into my house
and rob my family.

569
00:24:15,625 --> 00:24:18,333
I'm sorry. Capitalism got the best of me.

570
00:24:18,416 --> 00:24:19,750
-And, Elliot.
-Ooh.

571
00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:22,291
You don't give the kids
secret credit cards

572
00:24:22,375 --> 00:24:24,125
and undermine my parenting.

573
00:24:24,208 --> 00:24:26,750
I could watch you
lay down the law all day.

574
00:24:26,833 --> 00:24:27,958
And, Nick.

575
00:24:28,041 --> 00:24:29,750
You get everything you want

576
00:24:29,833 --> 00:24:32,541
and don't appreciate
the value of anything.

577
00:24:32,625 --> 00:24:35,208
-You're right. And I've learned my lesson.
-[Diane] Oh no.

578
00:24:35,291 --> 00:24:38,333
You're not getting off that easy.
You're getting a job.

579
00:24:38,416 --> 00:24:40,458
Ah! You should be a vampire hunter!

580
00:24:40,541 --> 00:24:44,958
You're Grandpa's new piss boy,
in charge of emptying his cans.

581
00:24:45,041 --> 00:24:48,541
I've already got
a nice bloody one for ya, laddie.

582
00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:50,875
Hey, Andrew, uh, care to make a few bucks?

583
00:24:50,958 --> 00:24:52,833
You want me to clean your poppy's piss?

584
00:24:52,916 --> 00:24:55,166
Ten dollars a can,
and I'll wipe you pretzel debt.

585
00:24:55,250 --> 00:24:56,500
Let me see the money first.

586
00:24:56,583 --> 00:24:59,208
Aha! Do svidaniya, bitch.

587
00:24:59,291 --> 00:25:00,583
[grunts]

588
00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:01,500
Like a bird.

589
00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:03,250
[Lola] Dearest reader.

590
00:25:03,333 --> 00:25:07,291
Word on the horse-shit-covered street
is the good Reverend Elijah

591
00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:11,416
still holds high regard
for Lady Foreman-Greenwald.

592
00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:16,458
And tragically, Prince Fatass
has fallen precipitously in rank,

593
00:25:16,541 --> 00:25:20,666
and is now known
as the Baron of Hot-Yellow-Piss.

594
00:25:20,750 --> 00:25:24,791
But to answer the most burning question
of the social season,

595
00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:31,000
yes, Lord Rick did finally consummate
his courtship with the Apple Brooch.

596
00:25:31,083 --> 00:25:35,416
Oh, Rick, you incredible sex beast,
that was amazing.

597
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:39,041
If only Steve Jobs was alive to see this,

598
00:25:39,125 --> 00:25:42,541
he'd be so proud
of how far everything has come.

599
00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:44,416
And how far I just came.

600
00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:47,458
I shot like a fucking rocket, man.
[giggles]

601
00:25:47,541 --> 00:25:48,875
-♪ I was born to flex ♪
-♪ Yes ♪

602
00:25:48,958 --> 00:25:50,250
♪ Diamonds on my neck ♪

603
00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:52,458
♪ I like boarding jets
I like morning sex ♪

604
00:25:52,541 --> 00:25:55,083
♪ But nothing in this world
That I like more than checks ♪

605
00:25:55,166 --> 00:25:56,000
♪ Money ♪

606
00:25:56,083 --> 00:25:57,875
-♪ All I really wanna see is the... ♪
-♪ Money ♪

607
00:25:57,958 --> 00:25:59,750
-♪ I don't really need D, I need the... ♪
-♪ Money ♪

608
00:25:59,833 --> 00:26:01,791
-♪ All a bad bitch need is the... ♪
-♪ Money, whoa ♪

609
00:26:01,875 --> 00:26:04,083
-♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪
-♪ Coupe ♪

610
00:26:04,166 --> 00:26:05,500
♪ Busting out the roof ♪

611
00:26:05,583 --> 00:26:07,791
-♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪
-♪ Coupe ♪

612
00:26:07,875 --> 00:26:09,125
♪ Touch me, I'll shoot ♪

613
00:26:09,208 --> 00:26:11,041
-♪ Bow, shake a little ass ♪
-♪ Money ♪

614
00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:13,333
♪ Get a little bag
And take it to the store ♪

615
00:26:13,416 --> 00:26:14,666
-♪ Get a little cash ♪
-♪ Money ♪

616
00:26:14,750 --> 00:26:16,583
♪ You shake it real fast
You get a little more ♪

617
00:26:16,666 --> 00:26:18,875
-♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪
-♪ Coupe ♪

618
00:26:18,958 --> 00:26:20,250
♪ Busting out the roof ♪

619
00:26:20,333 --> 00:26:22,500
-♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪
-[trills]

620
00:26:22,583 --> 00:26:23,958
♪ Busting out the roof ♪

621
00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:26,208
♪ I gotta fly, I need a jet, shit ♪

622
00:26:26,291 --> 00:26:27,625
♪ I need room for my legs ♪

623
00:26:27,708 --> 00:26:29,958
-♪ I got a baby, I need some money ♪
-♪ Yeah ♪

624
00:26:30,041 --> 00:26:31,291
♪ I need cheese for my egg ♪

625
00:26:31,375 --> 00:26:33,958
♪ All y'all bitches in trouble
Bring brass knuckles to the scuffle ♪